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shy-magpie · 5 years ago

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RQG 124

And he is doing the thing where he says the number digit by digit again. No idea why I always notice it so much. *deletes yet another essay about the intros" okay I am officially stalling because I am worried Hamid is banking on magic behaving without enough evidence and may have blown up both Grizzop and Eldarian. PS. Either all it takes to get me to care enough about a character to worry is put them in danger while out of their element or Alex is even subtler than I thought. How am I concerned for a character who knew she was probably going to Rome and wore heels? Is Bryn deliberately bad at defending himself from accusations of setting everyone on fire? Lydia makes it canon that Rome weirdness is to blame for any timeline problems Nice fireball Hot Dog!?! Lydia and Alex are threatening each other and us with backstory The dice love us? Alex you can kill them all or have all your lovely monsters creamed, they don't really have middle modes So the kid rang the dinner bell for every nasty on the plane? Hugs for Hamid and Grizzop Hamid might be insecure at times but Bryn makes sure he gets credit for his magic at least OK it was temporary, already back to not trusting Eldarian even if I was worried Sasha is indifferent to her at best So maybe not deliberate malice but not a warm parental figure The team is stepping up well Yeah well we don't trust you either "I was in the papers and you couldn't find me?" good whatever their relationship was, Sasha is not falling into her old role. Too many people mistake not arguing with someone as agreeing with their version of events, and I don't want the team buddying up to Eldarian just because Sasha didn't think there was a point in arguing. God I LOVE this team, they aren't antagonizing her exactly but they are backing Sasha She "created it for herself"!! In what possible way? "You don't get to talk to me like that anymore!" hell no she doesn't Nice the ranks just closed against Eldarian "You need to Back Off!" "the bit where I was going to shoot you? I'm going back to that bit so can you be helpful or do you want to leave?" Oh Sasha, you can hear how unused to standing up for herself she is Oh Helen may have found a loophole for Azu They know each other? Mom way? For certain values of mom that normally scare the white picket fence kids maybe Yeah either she changes or I am never typing her name on discord, because I would literally have an easier time with the Bertie fans than who ever it was who was talking about liking her. My issues are showing so I'm just going to try avoid remembering who it was; before I end up getting weird and tetchy with someone whose only crime is an opinion on a fictional character. Not their fault "we'll talk about this later" being her catch phrase raises 6 kinds of alarms for me Hamid is not confident but doing a great job of standing on the line between getting the help they need, not tipping his hand about his attitude towards her and not giving her the least chance to screw them over. Gah I should probably have an actual conversation with my therapist about how Salah Sr hit me vs how I am seeing red flags that may or may not be there with Eldarian but as long as the team doesn't back her am mostly fine. Probably TMI but that was mostly a round about way of saying you guys probably picked up on my issues during Cairo and I didn't want you to worry about me now. While we're on my hang ups are my ears behaving for once or did they tweak Ben's mic? Because I am not having to spend any effort to process tonight and he is normally right in my gap Grizzop is a good Bless Sasha, I love her explanation Did Grizzop just offer to kill Eldarian? Oh Sasha backstory, slightly confusing since I think she doesn't know many of the details and motivations. Did that sweet little goblin of my heart just upgrade that offer to "can I kill her? " And he remembered to loop them in. Recap time is always fine "they all had their shirts off very exciting" Sasha is so excited to go to another place with great daggers So Hamid is able to follow what Eldarian's doing and she is behaving. Worth a shot Lydia, Sasha would have stashed food And Grizzop has gifties! Explanation time Grizzop and Sasha are not letting Eldarian play language games or trusting her an inch Yeah that type are often saying things as they see them; they just have a "unique way of seeing things" Sweet sweet backstory time Poor kid Of course Eldarian is crying, place bets now on "it wasn't like that", "it was for your own good", "but I didn't mean to hurt you; even though you told me in every possible way that what I was doing was hurting you and I didn't stop", or a mixture thereof. On the other hand, Alex is damn good so maybe she has one hell of an explanation, realizes it was still not an excuse and was seeking out Sasha for a real reconciliation? I mean I hear it happens I am so happy she had Bi Ming Darn, I was betting on Meritocrats Of course she is playing the "you are making me out to be the bad guy" card Conflicted, if we don't get the explanation of her backstory then do we have enough info to trust her? but if we do get an explanation then the process will either mean letting her rewrite the whole thing unchallenged or pissing her off to the point that she starts noting who to "accidentally" lose Grizzop, watch telling Azu how things work here. Must try to remember that mental age aside, he only has 10 years of life experience so it makes sense he jumps to conclusions BTW I thought Einstein was their ticket home, if we are going to trust her with their transportation then can we not see him off safely before going through? Because even if you set aside his mental state, leaving a civilian there to wait is a dick move even if they do sort out the food Alex using Einstein to mess with Sasha is mean "oh no he teleported through the 4th wall" Rake Fines explanation time? I love Sasha's point of view regarding rich people vs criminals Nice solution, he can check in once a week! They don't have to just dismiss him and hope Eldarian doesn't get aggressive aggressive instead of passive aggressive or leave him to fight off everything that is coming after hearing the fight in the beginning of the episode Hamid points out they could use Einstein as a messenger. No one else has anyone to send a "if you are reading this.." letter Practical Sasha

Mage armor! Grizzop has the sense to give Einstein the necklace of sanctuary Yeah every mythology fan just winced as Einstein called himself a God while in Rome "Don't let go" and a paper chain of the team, right before heading to the place where Alex called for saves every 3 seconds, this sounds safe./s They can't be tied together why? Poor Alex GMing and running the equipment at the same time

#Rusty Quill Gaming #RQG spoilers #RQG season 3 #long post #live blog thingy #RQG 124

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sanghyukstattoos · 4 years ago

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I’m back~ sorry it’s been a while, I’ve been super sick these past few days but I’m feeling much better now thankfully 🥺 thank you for your kind words! I have to get back to job searching soon, I’m just so lazy

definitely agree! doni and coni were the worst, I love these mcs so much more, they’re a lot friendlier and welcoming 😌 I know right?? zuho’s outfit was so nice, I’m going out this weekend with a friend so I’ll probably wear something similar 👀 YEAH JAEYOON’S OUTFIT IN THAT ONE STAGE WAS WILD - thank you for tagging me in that and blessing my eyes !! my favourite stage has been the one where zuho’s hair was in a little ponytail/bun thing, he’s just been biaswrecking me non stop, I might just double bias at this point 👉👈

hanbin’s writing abilities are just absolutely amazing, I admire him so much as a writer 🥺 I feel that, I have this one fic I’ve been working on for ages and some parts are so good and the rest are just trash and I want to throw it all away but I know I can make it better I’m just lazy 😭 I kind of want to work on it now but I’m just on a work break, and have to go back in an hour 😅 same!! I even got an agenda so I can keep track of all the things I need to do but I keep forgetting to look at the agenda and update it so it hasn’t been all that helpful

I forgot to put the book on hold !! another example of my memory being trash - I’ll do it now after I send this message 😬 I don’t think so… my middle school took us on a week long trip to ottawa (which is about a 5-6 hour drive away), but I don’t know if that really counts 🤔 how about you?

Hey sweets!!! I'm really happy that you are feeling better now and it's okay with the reply time, take your time~~ hehe, I see that, I remember making cover letter(s), I was like, ''Nah, later'' but sooner than later, my 'you-know-better' side popped up and I was forced to do it. You were sick so take your time to come back, take care of yourself you know?? When I feel sick and I want to pamper myself, I pull out some body lotion/ oil that I reserve and massage myself (hopefully that doesn't sound like tmi??) Treat yourself if what I'm trying to say you know, engage in every opportunity!

Oh that is very true hehe// Oh!?! Cute! I'll tag you when I spot something absolutely beautiful! Jaeyoon's outfit had me *falling onto bed, cue the drama heh*, it's so pretty. Also! Their new stage outfits! The ones with Prince! / Regal! vibes. Here:

I saved this one and if I find the other's I'll tag you in them. Kyun looks extra pretty in it 😊 I remember seeing gifs of him in a little bun and I just- committed it to memory, that was a look on him! So you may double-bias Inseong and Zuho??? Damn 😄

He puts a story into his lyrics, very beautiful and I agree with you, I admire him as a writer too// Same! I was working on a fic and wrote some parts that had no relation to one another, when I came back to them yesterday, I thought, ''Nah, let's go from again.'' and deleted them like a c l o w n. Although I wasn't really happy, I felt better after starting over + You got this! There's always time and place to improve on writings you know???// I love how relatable that is, I got one too but the forgot about it very quickly, I just have a to-do list in my mind because I'm too lazy to write one an update it as well 😂 I try to write or do something during my breaks, I try but just end up relaxing in the end~ Do you ever have moments of motivation where a really great idea comes to you and you want to write it down but can't and then you end up forgetting it?? That frequently happens to me at night when I can't sleep but I don't want to get up, turn the lights on and my laptop so I just... continue to dream ahjgdfshg

It's okay, read it when you can! // When I lived in Dubai, my family and I would take a trip to Fujairah. We always had some spots that we would go to like a market selling fruits and this man-made lake where you could peddle a bike for alongside the water and peddle those water-bikes things in the hot sun, oh the days 😄😄😄

#changguscomet ⭐

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arbitrarycogitation · 5 years ago

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Focus

Might delete. :)

A lot of people are stuck at home nowadays. Students, workers, parents, whoever you are, I hope you’re okay in there. This post is mostly about how I am trying to be as productive as possible while constantly being home.

Focusing and memorizing will never be my thing. Yes I can focus for some time, yes I hyperfocus sometimes. And yes I do remember a lot of thing and yes I can grasp and remember certain concepts quickly. But. Sitting down and doing something for more than 90 minutes? No thanks. Memorizing a poem, speech or words that might save me “later in life”? What’s the point. Why can’t we as a society accept that there are people who can’t adhere to certain conditions? Why is it so hard to understand that some things aren’t meant to be done the same way over and over again? Patterns are amazing and our world will crumble without it but it’s not the way of teaching young minds into remembering the different functions of a rubber duck. Some people can recite a poem and knows them by heart just like that, others need to act it out. Some might need props and some might need to write and draw it on a medium. Some people might deem it important and remember it for life and others will forget the poem because it’s not relevant anymore to them.

My point is. It’s okay to be different, to do things differently. Being stuck at home made me realize that if I want to be productive, I would need to feel comfortable with my “schedule” first. You might be thinking, I’ve always done it like this and that while I’m in school or work, and I’ve never had any problems or stress about how things are done. If you are having difficulties now, it’s not your fault. Maybe the way of the school or work was not for you, personally. I’m not saying you need to quit or do anything drastic, I’m saying it’s okay to change your routines, and do things a bit more your way. I know some people are saying you have to mimic your working station in order to be more productive, but some might agree that, well, you ARE at home, why not be a bit comfy? Working at one “station” might be the way of some people, but wanting to move around is perfectly fine too. Personally, I need to stay in one place in order to get some work done, but I also need to take a break whenever I finish one task (because if I take a break in the middle of doing something I will lose all motivation to do said task). Nowadays I try to work my study time around my online classes and make sure I have enough time to take care of myself. The number one thing I priotize in my “schedule” these days is when to stop. I limit myself to 10pm. If it’s past 10pm I will try to stop myself from working and wind down for the night. So far I haven’t had any problems with it, even though sometimes I need to keep working for a bit because I procrastinate earlier. Schedules are your guides, but it’s okay to stray once in a while.

Because I’m bored and I’ve been watching one too many day-in-a-life youtube videos, I’ll guide you to the day-in-a-life of yours truly, me. Stop reading here if you think this will be pointless, most of them are tmi about myself anyways.

So I wake up depending on the online classes I have that day? My earliest is 7am and my latest is 10am. I try to sleep earlier but nothing is working for me (fyi I sleep around 1am-3am? Bad? No? Idk honestly, at least I’m getting decent hours of sleep?). I check my phone for messages and the things I have to do today (I use google calendar and google keep, nothing too complicated) and I shower because. Force of habit? After that I try to snack on something and drink something hot while I get my electronics and papers ready for the day. If I have a class in the morning I’ll do the class and organize my notes right after because I’ll forget everything if I don’t do it, then I’ll eat lunch. But if my classes are in the afternoon or evening I’ll study until 1,5-2 hours before the class. I found studying right after a shower super effective, maybe because at this point it’s still early in the day. In this case I typically have my meal before class, because being hungry in class is not fun and I feel bad snacking in the middle of online class. I’m an anxious and shy person by nature (even though sometimes people can’t tell, it’s okay, my gotta-be-social overdrive is quite powerful) so I have to literally prepare my mind for the class, oh and maybe read the things we might learn that day, while checking my social media, and replying people. After the classes I’ll chill for maybe 1 hour and if I still have time before 10pm I’ll do some homework or notes. If I finish class at 8 or 9pm I just, chill. Play some games, write my journal, watch some videos and get ready for bed. I study with some music because I concentrate better that way? It forces me to concentrate on the thing I’m doing but also, remind me to not be too tense. Something like “there’s music playing! How bad can this thing be?”. But of course, sometimes I don’t study at all, sometimes I play animal crossing one too many hours and end up praying I’m not late for class, sometimes I need to call my friends and push studies for later, so this “routine” really depends on the circumstances of the day. For me, at least. Truthfully, I’m still behind on my notes and I haven’t found any time to work on my personal projects, but I’m trying to not freak out too much because I know that the workload nowadays are somehow increasing? Teachers out there please do not give more work, I need to build my town in animal crossing and get that land shaping tool. And yes the undone work are ungraded but it’s still “work” I need to do at some point. Wish me luck. I wish you all luck too, breathe, chill, shower, eat snacks. Oh and, this is just me ranting, please do not feel the need to follow whatever is written here in any way and manners. You do you, what works for me, might be disastrous for someone else. With that, thank you for reading, but no, I’m not done yet. Feel free to continue to this next part.

Things I try to avoid:

1. Too many news

2. Snacking (I’ll focus on the snack more than my work)

3. Doing one thing for too long, my limit is 3 hours max.

4. Why you might ask. So I don’t put too much stress on myself? “Taking a 10, 30 minutes break is okay”

5. My phone, and by extension, the internet.

6. Too much coffee.

7. Napping on the desk

8. I think that’s it? Thank you for reading. Stay safe everyone. Oh and feel free to message me if any of you need to talk to someone. (Just saying hi is ok too :D)

Bai.

#ramblings #dirumahaja #quarantine2020

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a-secretplace · 5 years ago

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That guy I really liked and still kinda like

/!\ very long post ahead /!\

Before starting this LONG ASS story time, know that every glimps of names are fictional but every single event happened. I probably forgot about lots of things but there are a lot of infos already. Disclaimer: I’m not a native english speaker so I might do mistake here and there, don’t mind me !

About the people I mentioned (just so if you’re lost, you can have a little resume here) I present all the “characters” in the story the first time I mention them, so don’t worry if you don’t remember clearly the next paragraph. H. — my best friend’s boyfriend and the guy I liked. They started dating in September ‘17. K. — a girl who is part of the same group of friends H., my best friend and I are a part of. B. — a really close friend of mine who my best friend and I went to art school with 10 years ago. S. — a good friend of mine who was originally my best friend’s friend. They don’t talk anymore. L. — my best friend’s ex-boyfriend who is still a very good friend of mine.

A little less than two years ago, back in April ‘18, I came back home from a six month travel in Japan. I was able to meet the girl I considered to be my best friend, who started dating a guy right before I left the country.

This boy - who I will refer to as H. - first seemed a bit "too much", being overly demonstrative of his love for my friend and overall acting a bit childish. For the whole situation to be a little clearer, here are a few more infos about H. and his relationship with my friend. They met when they were maybe 15 yo. When they started hanging out again almost 10 years later, H. was living at his grandma’s place. When my friend and H. started dating, he moved in with her at her parent’s place after less than 6 months.

So I had a kind of bad opinion about him but, for my friend and because she loved him, I tried my best to accept H. and tried to know him better. After hanging out with them a few times, he rapidly gained my trust and my friendship. He seemed nice, honest and he was a really funny guy, even if he sometimes seemed to tell random lies about parties he said he went to.

During the following summer, I realized I was maybe having a "too good” opinion about the guy. What I mean is that I felt so much friendship for H. that it kind of didn’t feel like friendship anymore. I got worried and wanted to tell my friend about it, mainly because I wanted to understand what I felt and maybe she would have been able to help, but I got really scared that she might not understand that I would have done nothing to hurt her and that she might start hating on me.

In the mean time, I remembered that, the very first time I met H. - which happened before I left for Japan, at a time both my friend and H. were single - I told my friend that H. was cute and, at some point, I tried hitting on him.

Because I wanted to tell my friend about my present struggle but didn’t know how to, I decided to tell her about that time I tried hitting on H., presenting it as a fun fact and asking her not to tell H. ever. She promised she would keep it a secret. A week later, I was having a bad time with myself and being lonely. To cheer me up, H. told me that, if he didn’t date my friend, he "would have tried" with me. The irony hitting me hard at that moment, I told him what I told my friend a week ago and he said he didn’t know anything about it, but his act seemed off. That’s when my friend came in saying she was sorry and that she told H. right after I told her, a week ago. Apparently, he blushed really hard when she told him.

From this moment, lots of ambiguous situation started happening from time to time.

The first one happened a week later (if I remember it well). I was feeling shitty and my friend tried to cheer me up, but didn’t help AT ALL, she just made me turn silent because I felt so misunderstood and because she acted like she wasn’t listening to anything I said. Plus, she told me that she started to worry that H. might someday cheat on her and that I could tell her anything, including if I fell in love with H., which I laugh to when she said it. That’s when H. came in and my friend left us alone. He started telling me many many things, about how he could become my best friend if I wanted to and how he would always be here to help if I needed. I was crying really really hard and we hugged for maybe 5 whole minutes straight, kept talking a little and hugged again. When we came back to the others, my best friend was crying, telling how she felt so helpless and useless. We did our best to reassure her and cheer her up.

A little while later, we were in a club, my best friend was really drunk again and, as she does every time she is drunk, she left us alone to talk to strangers. H. asked me if I "would have tried" if he had show interest to me before leaving Japan. I answered that I didn’t know, that I was the type to sabotage myself so I probably wouldn’t have tried anything. During the same night, he told me twice that, if my best friend kept drinking as much as she did, he wouldn’t like to stay with someone like this.

A few other things happened between September ‘18 and May ‘19. Sometimes, there were looks that didn’t seem innocent at all and more "romantic" ones (if I dare say), or him touching my tight and putting his face really close to mine when I was falling asleep, stroking my hair, watching over me discretely, doing that flying kisses thing, sometimes putting his hands on my waist, staying around me while ice skating instead of staying with his girlfriend, etc. In the mean time, I accepted that I actually was interested in H. but still didn’t tell anyone.

There are a few stuffs that happened that deserve a bit more details too. For H’s birthday, we had dinner at my friend’s place. During the whole dinner, H. and I kept playing like little kids and laughing at random stuffs, to the point where everyone was wondering what was going on and my friend started getting a bit angry. (Note: my friend and H. are both VERY jealous/possessive and get extremely defensive when someone talk to/stays around the other for too long.) At some point, there were H., an other friend and me at the table. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but H. said that I liked him when I first met him. I corrected him, saying I only thought he was cute. He asked if I still found him cute and, because I didn’t want to tell the truth nor lie, I said that I wouldn’t answer. Our friend jokingly said "Don’t say that, his ego is gonna grow even bigger", which H. answered with a “What grew bigger is the thing between my legs". Thanks for the TMI, dude.

In December, we all met at the local fun fair. As I don’t like rollercoasters and H. is unable to ride any because of inner ear problems, we both stayed in front of the rides. At some point, we decided to go buy some drinks while our friends were all on a ride. As we arrived in front of the food stand, he asked me out of the blue if I would possibly have s*x with him. Surprised and confused, I answered again that I wouldn’t answer. He told me that I should accept my feelings and, without thinking, I said "no, I don’t want to get killed".

We were sometimes texting each other, sharing music or video games we were interested in, sometimes he asked me about things my friend liked so he could surprise her and I played along.

In May, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him during the day. At that time, he didn’t have a job and I had a part time job so we both had a lot of free time. I accepted and he asked me to keep us hanging out a secret, because at that time he was having some issues with my friend’s parents and didn’t want to make things worse and possibly get kicked out. We met and had a great time, playing video games or watching tv shows and everything seemed fine. The same day, our group of friends all met at my friend’s place and the night went a little wilder than usual. I was quite drunk, thanks to some hellish drinking game. H. asked me to rank him and one of our boy friend on who I would most likely and least likely have sex with. Being drunk and unable to think, I answered that he was number one and our friend was number two. This was my first moment of weakness and my first mistake. Later during the night, H. switched seat with someone and sat next to me. He discreetly asked me if I wanted to meet him in the hallway so we could make out. His girlfriend aka my best friend was sitting literally in front of us and I actually got surprised that nobody heard him say it. I looked at him with a mix of surprise and fear and he said “I was just checking how drunk you are". I replied "I knew you were kidding!" and he said "Or maybe I’m acting like it to hide the fact that I’m serious and maybe you’re convincing yourself I’m kidding because you know I’m not". At that point, I was lost between the will to ignore him, run away and stay to see what would happen next.

Everyone getting very tired, we all started getting ready to leave. My best friend was asleep and our other friends had left. I got ready and said bye to H. He had a really weird look on his face, like he was hesitating on doing something. I ignored it and left, walking home by feet. It was a 30 minutes walk so everything was fine. Halfway, H. texted me asking how I was and saying he was worried about me. I told him everything was fine and that I was halfway home.

At this point, he told me that he needed to tell me something but that I had to promise him not to tell anybody and delete the messages afterwards. I accepted. He told me that he really wanted to kiss me that night. I answered that I knew it, that I had my doubts. I then told him that I wanted to kiss him too and that it wasn’t the first time. This was my second and probably biggest mistake.

Starting from these messages, we talked a lot about how we felt and what we would have liked to do. We talked about our guilt for feeling this way and that we didn’t know what to do. I told him I didn’t want to make him a cheater and he told me that he had already cheated on two of his girlfriends in the past, saying that “it was the end anyway” and that he only told his best friend and I about it. The conversation going on, I told him that we should never talk about it again and act like we didn’t know anything. He kind of agreed and we kept talking until 5am. And he sent me a d*ck pic too (yup, had to say it but didn’t know how to bring the subject...). I didn’t sleep at all that night and, the day after, H. texted me and we started talking on Snapchat.

We talked everyday for two weeks and I felt fantastic. The guy I liked was interested in me and, as unlucky as I could have been, it was the first time this actually happened to me. At the end of the second week, he invited me at his place during the morning of my day off. I had a really bad feeling about this : I had an important appointment right after and was stressed and I had the feeling that our friend might come home early to surprise H. or that her father might come home earlier too. H. convinced me that everything was fine and I visited him. Still worried, I kept all my stuffs next to me in case someone came home, so I would have been able to hide on the balcony until a possibility of leaving stealthily would present itself. H. being a little stupid sometimes, he closed the door of the room, so there was no way of hearing someone entering the appartement and closed the window, so we couldn’t hear my friend’s car. We didn’t do anything other than friends would do. At some point, H. received a text from my friend and, when he tried to read it, she had already deleted the message. I got worried and said that maybe I should leave, but he reassured me and I stayed.

A little later, my friend opened the door of the room and we all just looked at each other in shock. She was angry but mostly surprised and lost. She was acting very distant with H. obviously and I left a little later, saying I had an appointment to attend. Eventually they worked it out the same day and, as we met the same night, my friend and I talked about it and she told me everything was fine.

The following week, H. remained silent. He only texted me once to ask for a pic and I threw him off. A few days later, he told me that he was deleting Snapchat and that we had to stop talking, that he loved my friend and that he had nothing to hide. I answered but he never read my message. I started getting angry, I felt used, manipulated and overall stupid for believing in his bullshit. I sent him the same message on WhatsApp, since we had nothing to hide I gave no shit if my friend saw it. We talked a little, he told me that he didn’t try to use me, that he still felt the same but that we couldn’t do anything at the moment except wait.

From there, I started saving everything.

We stopped talking. I felt horrible, I had the feeling that I was manipulated to fulfill some weird kink and that I was the only one ready to face some possible consequences. My mood was really dark for quite some time and didn’t know what to do. I kept switching moods from really sad to vengeance-thirsty, I wanted to make sure everyone knew how was really H. and force him face the consequences of his action.

All I could do during three months was tell a few friends about what happened. I first told B., a girl my best friend knew and one of my closest friend. Then, I told S. who knew my best friend as well but they didn’t stay in good terms. Finally, I told L., my best friend ex-boyfriend, and his girlfriend. I met with my best friend too at this time. We talked about H. She told me about some weird message (which was a “are you asleep?” in the middle of the night) that he sent to a girl we all met once and that he explained that he just considered her as a friend. Then she asked me if he ever did or said something weird. My mind screamed that he did so many weird shits, all the memories from last September to this day coming up, but all I was able to say was “no, he didn’t say anything weird” while looking her right in the eyes. I wanted to protect H. and didn’t want him to end up without a roof over his head. But remember, I wanted vengeance too, so I told her about him asking me to join him in the hallway to make out. To reassure her, I told her that I didn’t think he was serious and that it was some sort of “douche” humor. I added that I was pretty sure that she heard it since she was right in front of me when it happened. She got a little angry and mumbled “I’ll kill him”. She then told me “if anything was happening, you would tell me right?” and I agreed. The following night, I met her and H. at her place and, of course, H. was acting really cold with me because of what I said. I felt bad and guilty, like I betrayed his trust.

Before going on, you have to know that I’m not and never was a liar. I value truth and honesty more than anything. But for some reason (the feelings I had towards H.), I had a hard time holding on between what I considered right and what I actually wanted. I definitely did stuffs I shouldn’t have but lying to everyone and watching H. lie to my best friend felt like a stab in the chest, every single time.

In August, H. "attacked” again during a night in a club. He asked me to rank him on a scale from 1 to 10, then we talked about other stuffs, I don’t remember it clearly but I remember playfully touching his face at some point. He told me that he dreamt about me pretty often, we mentioned the d*ck pick, he was quite tactile and, when we were leaving, he touched my b*tt.

A few days later, right after B. told me that my friend tried to interrogate her about H. and I and that I should definitely back off and run away from the dude in a quite agressive way, H. asked me to give him my email by Instagram DMs. We talked via emails and I tried to make things clearer for both of us, telling him exactly what I wanted to have with him and asking him to be honest for once and tell me what he wanted to have with me. I then told him that we shouldn’t talk like this and that we had to remain friends.

We didn’t talk for a week and I felt really really bad, mostly because I just had a fight with my best friend. I needed to talk to someone and the only person I thought about was H. So I made a third mistake and sent him an email. Since then, we talked everyday for months until last December. First, everything went very well, I felt amazing again and we were talking a lot. As time went by, our talks and messages got shorter and I used to sometimes get really mad at him, because I had the feeling he was making excuses as why he would suddenly stop answering for hours. H. happened to be incoherent as well sometimes, for exemple changing details in stuffs he would tell me and, when I would mention the change, he would say shit like “yeah I know what I told you the first time, I was just making sure you were listening/remembering well” or telling me for a week that he was sick and sleeping all day only to tell me a few days later that he didn’t rest for the whole week and had a lot of things to do. When I confronted him, he denied.

A little later after starting messaging each other again, I met with my friend to discuss a time we had a big fight. We explained our points of view on various subjects and agreed that, if anything bothers one of us, we need to tell the other right away instead of letting things get worse by not working it out. At some point, I told my friend how I felt towards her view on my relationship with H., telling her that I had the feeling that sometimes, she was seeing me as a threat and was afraid to tell me so to preserve our friendship. She told me that she didn’t see me as a threat at all and, more like the opposite, she was being more suspicious about H.’s behavior. She haded that, if anything had happen or was happening between us, she knew that I wouldn’t be the cause of it and that I would end up telling her. What makes this meeting important is that, when she told me this, I saw how resignated she was about the whole situation. I knew that she knew exactly what was going on but, having no control over it and having no solid proof, she just choose to force herself into believing one if not both of us. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, quite horrible as a person and really sorry for her. I know she saw it in the way I looked at her, I can’t hide anything from anyone and everybody knows that.

Mid-December, H. suddenly got silent and didn’t answer my message for days. I got extremely worried because the situation felt extremely similar to the one in May. I didn’t want to feel thrown away again, I needed to stay in control of the situation. So I wrote an email telling him that this was over, that I wasn’t hesitating anymore and that the way he behaved proved me I made the right choice. I added that I wouldn’t answer emails but, if he wanted or needed explanations, he could call me or text me on WhatsApp in a friendly way. He never reached for me and, even last time we met, he didn’t mention it.

Talking about the last time we met, I realized I reached my limit. Seeing H. act like the perfect boyfriend while knowing everything that happened made me lose my mind. I got really gloomy and, when he and my friend left the party, I just blew up and told one of our close friend, K., the whole story. She told me that she felt since September ‘18 that something was going on and that she talked about it many times with her boyfriend. I only confirmed every doubts she had. Told you, I can’t hide anything. I don’t know if it was a good thing or not, but I learned a lot about the guy. K. told me that he had a reputation for being a cheater and a liar and, as she told me so, a lot of things got clearer. I learned that everyone except my best friend knows that H. had already cheated. K. told me that he is the main problem, that he took advantage of my lack of experience to make me fall for him and that I shouldn’t feel so bad about all this. Even if I’m not the one having to stay committed, I still feel responsible, I should have said “no” and “stop” multiple times and stand my ground.

A few days later, I met L. and his girlfriend and we talked about the situation. I told the girl that H. told my friend and I about something I was pretty sure was a lie. He said that he knew her because she "tried to hit on him at a bar a long time ago". As expected, this never happened and, actually, the girl never went to the bar H. mentioned.

As I’m writing this, the story isn’t over yet and some elements are still quite fresh. What I learned is that H. shouldn’t be trusted and that I really got manipulated to believe what he wanted me to. I don’t know if some things he said were true, like when he said that what he felt towards me was mostly not s*xual. For all I know, it might have all been a lie. The only sure thing is that he wanted to have s*x with me.

I’m planning on telling my friend what happened, but I’m scared. Scared to lose my friend, even if I need to tell her and she needs to know, even if our friendship has more lows than highs and is quite dysfunctional. Scared of the image some people might have of me, even if being into a friend’s boyfriend is definitely not a habit, never will be and none of this ever happened before. Scared of being isolated.

Scared of losing H. friendship as well.

Doesn’t matter if I felt used or manipulated, if I was a side chick, doesn’t matter how much he lied to me or to others. This is stupid but I still want us to remain friends. H. is probably one of those people that are very nice to be around as long as you don’t grow too close. From mine and specially K’s experience, he is a great friend and will do whatever it takes to cheer a friend up.

Anyway, I still have everything saved. Every WhatsApp and Instagram DMs, every email (and dear God, there are so many) and most of the Snapchat messages (I took pictures of my screen with a camera so he would never know about it). I’m not sure that this will be useful someday but at least I’m covered. I’m not trying to make H. the bad guy, I did stuffs that make me a bad person too. I just don’t want H. to be able to picture me as the succubus who nearly got him cheat on my friend. As I said earlier, I value truth more than anything and the truth is that I did some bad stuffs too. I’m 100% ready to face the consequences. I’m only scared/worried that I might end up more hurt than what I expected.

I hope telling my friend is the right thing to do. I hope I will be able to tell her soon and not wait 2 more months. I hope she won’t hate me, even if she probably should. I hope H. won’t hate me, even if he probably will. I hope I won’t end up isolated. I hope my friend will be ok, because she is quite fragile at the moment and I don’t want to make things worse. I hope K. and her boyfriend won’t pick a side. I hope no one will start talking shit about me, because this is not who I am.

Sorry for the long post, have a nice day !

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