#might as well bear my heart since I don't feel numb anymore

[exosmutfactory]

It's really heart breaking to read this. I can't begin to imagine the exhaustion you must feel. It's sad to know that something that you used to give so much drive and joy became this toxic and just ends up consuming you because of others. I'm sorry to hear that from you. I don't know if you will continue to write even if you don't decide to publish and just write for your own entertainment. But I really hope you do! I created my ff blog after anonymously reading Six Phases and it had such huge impact of on me. As did many of your works... You are a really gifted writer. Thank you for everything I can only hope things go right for you. Sending strength and compassion your way.

I spent the last 2 weeks taking a break away from here and AFF. The only way to not stress is to not see anything, so I make sure to stay away as much as I can.

I remember how active and happier I was in January this year. I wanted to start the new year right and full of positivity. Yet for the past two months, I'd wake up every day wondering: which story will they report this time? Did I block all their suspicious accounts? Why are these strangers I've never seen before laughing then deleting their weird replies to me?

It took me this long to stop feeling hopeless when I had to delete a blog post on AFF expressing my frustration. I posted the same one here as well, when someone reported my story for having smut when it didn't have smut. 5 days or so after I received that report, I had published a new smut-free story. That same day, of all days, a reporter came and reported my blog post. One where my readers were "bashing" the reporter. "We do not tolerate this behavior, reporters are doing their job." Yet I am held responsible for other people's actions? I simply said I might not update often because I was upset over it, yet when my supportive readers react more intense than me, I get the blame.

-Anyway, I learned not to say sh*t on that site coz it is crawling with people ready to report me for everything and nothing. Its very uncomfortable to be watched 24/7. That's exactly why I turned off my "online" green dot on Tumblr, because some people wait for me to Be Online before they come in with their trash talk :) months ago someone came into my Tumblr inbox in September like "for someone on break, you sure are clogging the tags with your shit posts" ??? BLOCK me? Or come off anon so I can do it for you, seriously, it takes 2 seconds.

Sorry this is so long, I've been holding this in for a long time and every time I get upset over it, I ask myself if I'm overreacting or too sensitive. I had a breakdown 2 weeks ago because someone reported my story on AFF for "violation of content guidelines" because:

hahaha. It's hard. The stress makes it impossible to write. I feel like a lot of my readers there hate me because I am inconsisitent with posting and I can't even tell them what is happening because I'll just be reported again. It's funny seeing writers with big followings throwing my name around in their public conversations with their friends. It's so nice to know how hated I am and a relief because I could disappear from the internet any day and never hear from them again. Because a hobby, a passion, causing so much stress is never worth all these sleepless nights.

I barely interact with anyone anymore because I feel like a failure. I can't even write fanfics and post often without hating every word I write. I always wonder how unreliable and selfish I must seem to other people, but those are all my problems. I wanted to spread happiness with my stories, and now, my stories are the ones sucking the joy out of me.

I'm trying my best, but I have to look after my health first, and all of this isn't helping.

Sorry for all of this (>.<) thank you for sending me this message, anon. I will finish my stories no matter how long it takes. My works are supposed to be happy vibes, not full of my personal pains. It's hard to write things when I don't feel them. Honestly that's how Six Phases came to be (>////<) good luck with your blog!!! Share your unique writer voice with the world 💕🌸✨ I wish you the best, love 💖

[harmonizingsunsets]

I'd Rather Go Blind & Let My Body Go Numb Than To Lose You Or The Weight Of Your Love

Prompt: Jealousy and all its cousins. Fanart Credit here.

Read on Archive here.

Anthony never thought he'd be the kind of husband who needs to know where his wife is at every moment of every day.

(To be fair, he never thought about being a husband much at all until the season he'd pursued Edwina only to fall maddeningly in love with Kate).

But here he is, sitting on the couch with his feet drumming loudly against the floor, staring intensely at the door.

On the table beside the couch sits a cup of tea, cold and untouched. Anthony had someone from the kitchens prepare it for him, but his nerves made him unable to stomach anything.

Anthony looks a mess. He'd been raking his hands through his hair for the past two hours. He'd also slapped his cheeks once or twice to stay awake.

His jacket lay discarded and wrinkled on the ground near the door. He feels guilty, knowing one of the maids would have to press it. However, he can't gather the desire to move from the couch and retrieve it. 

Instead, he's glued to the couch as he considers where Kate is. A hundred different scenarios run through his mind—each scenario worse than the last.

For the past month, Kate has been disappearing at night. He hears her footsteps tiptoeing past his study when he stays up to work. He feels the weight from her side of the bed lessen as she stands and departs from their bedroom when she thinks he's fallen asleep.

At first, Anthony questioned her about it. Kate would always make up an excuse about needing fresh air or going to see Edwina. But he knows her well enough to know when she's lying.

However, Anthony hadn't ever called Kate out on her deceit. He feared the truth, especially how it might crush him to hear it.

But he couldn't take the not knowing anymore. So when he heard the door close after Kate told him five minutes prior that she was retiring to bed, he made his way towards the front of the house. Anthony watched at the window as a carriage rode away. A hole had formed in his stomach, making him feel hollow. He then sat down on the couch so he could catch her when she returned.

Finally, after what felt like ages passed, he hears footsteps approaching the door. He quickly jumps up from the couch and makes his way to the foyer. When Kate steps through the door, her eyes widen.

"Anthony!" she exclaims in surprise, putting a hand to her chest to steady her breath. "You're up late."

"So are you," Anthony says, crossing his arms and blocking her way.

"I was only walking around to get some fresh air."

Anthony raises a brow. "Really, for two hours?"

Her eyes shift anxiously from his stare. "Has it really been that long?"

"Yes," he answers through gritted teeth, anger rising within him.

"Oh well, it was such a lovely night the time got away from me." Kate stands on her toes, kissing him quickly on the cheek. "Sorry for worrying you."

As she tries to retreat, Anthony's hand lurches out to grab her elbow, pulling her back to face him.

"I've had enough, Kate," he sighs tiredly. "Where were you?"

"I just told you, I was—."

"You've been going out for fresh air at odd hours of the day for the past month. You'd think you'd have your fill by now."

Kate fidgets. "Well, it hasn't just been out to get fresh air. I've been attending engagements. I have a life outside you and this household, you know."

"Oh, I know that, but your engagements don't usually take place after dark and don't require you sneaking out of the house to attend."

"Darling, everything is fine," Kate says, pulling her arm out of his reach and giving him a nervous smile. "You've probably been working too hard. Let's go to bed."

As she tries to walk away again, Anthony pulls her back. But this time, he holds onto both of her arms, forcing her to meet his eye.

"Kate, I know you—perhaps more than you know yourself, and I know when you're lying to me," he says, his voice turning softer—more fragile. It's as if he's a vase that could shatter at any moment. "What I don't know is why."

"I promise that what I have been going out and doing is not anything scandalous or dangerous." After letting out a long breath, a laugh bubbles from her throat in amusement. "Honestly, where I've been going to is nothing to fret over. You're acting as if I'm having an affair or something."

Anthony's heart sinks in his chest. No matter how ridiculous the prospect sounds, he can't help but whisper the question that's been plaguing his mind these past few weeks.

"Are you?"

Kate's mouth falls open, her face paling. "Anthony, how could you think that?"

"It's the only explanation I can think of," he says, stepping away from her and beginning to pace. "It explains why you've been coming back so late and being so evasive these past few weeks."

"Anthony—."

His legs go weak at the affection in her voice. Anthony falls to his knees in front of her and takes hold of her hands.

"Just tell me, Kate, I cannot bear it," Anthony says, hating the way his voice wavers. "I cannot bear the thought of you finding pleasure in someone else's arms. I cannot bear you leaving our bed because you'd rather be in another's. I cannot bear the idea of someone else touching you, loving you, or kissing you."

He brushes his lips against Kate's knuckles, causing her breath to hitch. Anthony pulls his lips away, but just so his fingertips can swirl circles on her palm. When his thumb skims over her pulse, he feels her heartbeat quicken.

"Most of all, I cannot bear the thought of you loving someone else." Anthony swallows thickly, feeling a lump forming in his throat. "I'd die right now if you told me all of this was true."

Anthony has always feared time. He used to compulsively reach into his pocket to grasp his father's watch. Each time a hand on the clock ticked forward, he felt as if an ounce of his soul got sucked away.

But since Kate came into his life, that fear has dissipated. Suddenly, he didn't spend each moment of his life calculating how much time he had left. Instead, Anthony began counting things other than seconds.

He counts the number of Kate's smiles. He counts the number of laughs they share next to one another at the table surrounded by his family. Anthony counts the number of kisses that were slow, stirring an aching feeling in his chest. He also counts each hungry and passionate kiss that sets every inch of his skin aflame.

Most of all, Anthony counts how many times he's lost count around her. He gets lost in the timeless and wonderful enigma that is Kate Sharma.

Anthony feels that fear of time creeping up on him again. But now, he's not afraid of time passing and leading to his demise. Instead, he's terrified that Kate's time of loving him has run out. Maybe, she's found a more deserving man to spend the minutes with than him.

When Anthony braves a glance up at Kate, he expects to see pity. But instead, he's surprised to see an entirely different emotion reflected in her eyes.

Love.

Pure, unconditional, steadfast love.

Kate gets down to her knees in front of him. But she doesn't let go of his hands, holding them tighter.

"None of that is true, Anthony," she says firmly. "I love you, have only loved you, and will only love you."

Her words release a breath of relief from him. But, he still can't help doubting this, not knowing how else to explain her odd disappearances.

Kate must sense his train of thoughts. She smiles gently, moving one of her hands up to graze his cheek.

"I love you so much that I've been waking up in the middle of the night so I can give you the perfect present."

Anthony blinks in confusion, feeling the room that had been spinning become still.

"What?"

Kate laughs, and she rests her forehead against his. "Do you know what tomorrow is?"

It hits Anthony like a whip. All the clues that he'd gathered up to form a horrible conclusion were, in fact, clues that lead to a more justifiable and pleasant one.

"Our anniversary," he answers dumbly.

"Yes," she nods, her face beaming with a giddy kind of delight. Anthony feels lucky that he gets to see it. Her expressions are free without restraint only when she's comfortable with someone. He's glad to be one of those treasured few. "We've made it a year, can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday, I was stepping on your toes at a ball, and you acted like a madman when I got stung by a bee."

Anthony frowns, his forehead creasing. "I did not act like a madman."

"You did, but it led us to where we are now," Kate says, pressing a tender kiss to his lips. "Married and happy."

"I'd like to think it would've happened with the bee or not."

"I'm not sure. You were quite thick-headed about how in love with me you were."

"Oh, I'm the thick-headed one?" he scoffs. "After the night you fell in love with me, you gave your approval for me to marry your sister. How thick-headed is that?"

"Well, I didn't think you'd ever feel that way about me," Kate defends, rolling her eyes. "But I know very well now that you do. You show me with every kind word, every touch, every…" her words drift, cheeks reddening, "Well, you know."

Anthony smirks. "No, I do not know. Please elaborate on everything I do to you that gives you pleasure in vivid detail."

"You're insufferable," she grumbles and puts her hands on her hips. "I have a good mind not to tell you the true reason for my disappearing and keep you stewing in jealousy."

"I don't think you'd like the result of my increased jealousy."

"I don't know, your scowl was fierce, and the fire in your eyes was quite the sight," Kate teases, tracing her thumb over his furrowed brows. "Very becoming, actually."

Anthony stands and pulls her up with him, leading her to the couch. "Why have you been disappearing?"

"As I said, our anniversary is tomorrow, and I was getting your gift ready," she explains. "It's almost midnight. Perhaps I can give it to you a little bit early. I had one of the servants waiting outside for my return. They came in through the back entrance and have already snuck it into your study to reveal as a surprise for tomorrow."

"How sinister of you, plotting with our staff against me."

"Nothing sinister about it. I asked, and they agreed to help me. Unlike you, they think I'm perfectly agreeable."

"Obviously, they don't know you well enough to fear the wicked inner workings of your mind as I do."

Kate stands, gracefully sticking out her tongue and making him laugh. Anthony follows her down the hall into his study. She makes him close his eyes. He feels like a fool, stumbling into the room with Kate chuckling behind him. But, he feels guilty for thinking Kate could ever be unfaithful and indulges her wishes.

He waits for a few moments, hearing her moving something across the floor, before he asks, "Can I open my eyes now?"

"Alright, you bloody impatient man, open your eyes."

As Anthony takes his hands away from his eyes, his heart stops in his chest. He gawks at the painting on a canvas stand in front of him.

"Kate," he utters breathlessly.

Kate chews on her bottom lip, hesitantly watching him observe the painting—no, "painting" doesn't seem like the right word for what it is.

It's a masterpiece, an almost perfect depiction of Kate.

The artist captured the exact fraction that Kate's lips tilt up when she smiles in amusement. Anthony often sees that expression pointed towards him when they're engaged in one of their bantering matches. The color of her brown eyes is just as deep in the painting. They're full of so much that Anthony still wants to explore even after a year of marriage.

In the portrait, Kate's shoulders are bare, the sleeves resting low on her arm. The bottom of the picture shows the scarlet bodice of her dress. But the most alluring part is how the brown curls of her hair flow freely down her neck, cascading like a waterfall.

Anthony has a strong distaste for her bonnets and how society demands she wears her hair up in public. Anthony loves running his fingers through her hair, which probably is why she posed for the painting with it down. That minx knew it would stir a feeling within him that no one else but her has been able to elicit.

"I hired Sir Granville to paint it," Kate blurts out, nervous from how long he's remained silent. "I wanted him to paint it in a private setting because it's a bit…."

"Breathtaking," Anthony answers.

"I was going to say suggestive, but breathtaking is a good adjective," Kate grins bashfully. She steps towards him, her eyes glowing through the dim light of the room. "It's a portrait for your eyes only, no one else's."

Anthony ducks his head. "I'm sorry that I thought you were...I just—."

"Foolishly got jealous of a person who doesn't exist? Yes, yes, you did."

He runs his fingers against the frame of the painting. "I have a mind to hang this in the common area, so everyone can see how lucky I am."

Kate's eyebrows snap together. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, wouldn't I?" he asks playfully.

"It might encourage some men to meet the woman behind the painting," Kate notes with a mischievous glint in her eyes, pretending to consider his proposal. "Who am I to oppose admirers?"

Anthony's smirk fades. "You wouldn't dare."

"Ah, there's that handsome scowl," Kate points at him in triumph.

He swoops forward, his arms going around her waist. "You're maddening."

Kate's smile widens as she looks up at him, looping her hands around his neck. "You love it."

"You're right. I do love you. And, I love this portrait," Anthony adds, bobbing his head towards the painting. "Perhaps I should hang it in here. It can serve as a reminder of what's waiting for me when I finish my work."

She leans up a bit on her toes, her hands traveling lower down his back. "You know, I could come down to your study to remind you."

Anthony begins moving his hands as well. As they skim up her body, brushing her breast, he relishes in the sound of her moan. Anthony leans closer, pressing kisses down her neck until he gets to just the right spot. Kate's fingers curl tighter onto his back as his lips apply pressure there, and her body gravitates further against him.

"You're far too distracting," Anthony murmurs against her skin. "Perhaps, the portrait is too dangerous to be in here. I'd get nothing done."

"Exactly." She leans her face back a margin, so Anthony can see that enchanting tilt of her lips the artist depicted. "Why do you think I commissioned the painting in the first place?"

"To torture me?"

"All is fair in love and war," Kate says, grinning at him. "And hasn't our relationship always been a bit of both?"

In response, Anthony kisses her deeply and thoroughly. The sound of his pocket watch ticking starts to fade away. It gets replaced with the sound of his heart, which beats for Kate more than himself these days.

[rebelwrites]

Trying Not To Love You

Clay Spenser x Reader

A/N: This is Part Two To “Can’t Give Her What She Wants” But Could Be Read As A Stand Alone Fic. I Just Couldn’t Leave It How I Did 😂 Rebel Isn’t Good With Angst Without A Happy Ending.

Join The Group Chat Here - If You Want Tagging Manually Let Me Know 🖤

Clay Spenser Masterlist

This Months Writing

You call to me, and I fall at your feet. How could anyone ask for more? And our time apart, like knives in my heart. How could anyone ask for more? But if there's a pill to help me forget, God knows I haven't found it yet. But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.

The moment Jase saw the cheap bottle of whiskey on the coffee table alongside one of Clay’s dog tags laying next to it, he knew what type of night you had. It had only been a month since you and Clay went your separate ways and everyone could see how much it was hurting both of you. He also knew that after your party for one you would definitely need some strong coffee.

“Hey sleepy” Jase said, nudging you as he put a fresh coffee on the table.

“Urgh” you groaned pulling the duvet over your head.

“I see you enjoyed a party on your own last night kiddo” he said pulling the duvet off you.

“Enjoyed wouldn’t be the word I would use” you sighed running your hand over your face before reaching for the coffee and grabbing Clay’s dog tags running you finger over the engraving. “Unless you class knocking back shit whiskey and crying as a good night, then yeah it was a good night”

“It will get easier” Jase said sitting next to you, wrapping his arm around your shoulder “I mean you’ve been camping on my sofa for the last month now, and that tells me you aren’t ready to give up on hope yet”

“Or I just don’t want to be alone so at least I have Emma and Mikey around when you aren’t” you sighed. “I just want this constant ache in my chest to go away, nothing helps me forget Jase and right now I want to forget”

“Well can I suggest taking a shower” he laughed trying to lighten the mood. “Because you smell like a brewery”

“I’m gonna go for a run” you said, sipping your coffee before slipping the dog tags around your neck, tucking them into the hoodie that belonged to Clay. No matter how much you tried to get rid of the hoodie and dog tags you couldn’t bring yourself to do so. “I need to try and clear my head”

“The boys are coming over soon, so if you aren’t ready to see him yet I’d go soon” Jase sighed squeezing your shoulder he hated how much this was affecting the both of you.

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. 'Cause trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

The moment Clay walked into Jase’s house his senses were attacked by the smell of the body spray you always used, he knew you were staying here even if you weren't speaking to him, the sight of your trainers on the shoe rack, made his heart hurt. They were only simple things but everything that related to you made that cut just that bit deeper.

No matter how much he tried not to love you it only made him love you more, Sonny was right you were his other half and life without you was hell.

The moment he walked into the living room, he saw Jase folding up the duvet, placing it in the corner of the room along with the pillows and the teddy bear that you only slept with when you slept alone. He also spotted one of his hoodies thrown over the back of the sofa.

“Is she here?” Clay asked.

“She’s gonna for a run” Jase sighed “she needed to clear her head and shift the hangover she has from nailing a bottle of cheap whiskey”

“How is she doing?” Clay asked as he picked up the empty bottle.

“She’s hurting, just like you are” Jase said with a sad smile.

“I just don’t know what to do” Clay sighed as he sat on the sofa resting his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands. “Where do I go from here? I’m trying not to love her but it’s only making me love her more”

“You just got to give it time man” Sonny said squeezing Clay’s shoulder. “It’s only been a month”

“I’m just lost without her”

And this kind of pain, only time takes away. That's why it's harder to let you go. And nothing I can do, without thinking of you. That's why it's harder to let you go. But if there's a pill to help me forget, God knows I haven't found it yet. But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to.

No matter where he went or what he did, he was tormented with memories of you, everything he did always came back to you making things harder. No matter how much he tried to forget he couldn’t. Everyone was right, you were his other half, the person that made everything better.

So he found himself knocking back the shots, distancing himself from his brothers, trying to do anything he could to forget the pain he was feeling. But nothing was working, he couldn’t bring himself to change his lockscreen. Pulling his phone out he stared at the picture of the two of you that was taken around a year ago, he was pressing you against the wall and you were both looking into each other’s eyes with smiles that shine brightly.

He knew he shouldn’t but he found himself writing a text out to you but deleted it before he even sent it.

It's trying not to love you, only goes so far. Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor. And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for. 'Cause trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

“I’ve never seen either of them this low before” Ray said leaning against the counter of Jason’s kitchen.

“I don’t think any of us have” Sonny sighed. Their voices were hushed as you were only on the sofa in the next room. “They are both putting away a serious amount of alcohol to try and numb the pain”

“You do know you aren’t as quiet as you think” you said walking into the kitchen, all their eyes landed on Clay’s hoodie you were still wearing. It no longer smelt of him but you couldn’t part with it, it was like your comfort blanket. “Jase you are in my way”

“I’m not moving,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m cutting you off the spirits”

“Fine I will just go to the pub then” you huffed storming out of the kitchen.

You knew drinking wasn’t the answer but for a short period of time it numbed the pain, but it never lasted too long.

“We should go with her” Ray sighed. “With how she is feeling she’s gonna start a fight just to feel something other than the heartache she’s feeling”

“I know someone else who is exactly the same” Sonny sighed “but maybe this will work, they haven’t been in the same room as each other for the last two months and I know full well Clay is at the pub”

“You think that maybe if they see one another they might come to their senses?” Jase asked.

“Exactly that”

The moment you walked into the bar you ordered a couple of drinks, tucking yourself into the corner where no one would see you. But from across the room you spotted one person whose mood reflected yours. Maybe coming here was a bad idea, you knew he would be here but was this your heart's way of saying that you needed him.

Leaning back into the chair you watched from across the room having an internal battle on whether you should just go over to him or not.

So I sit here divided, just talking to myself. Was it something that I did? Was there somebody else? When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears. Sat right down beside me, and whispered right in my ear. Tonight I'm dying to tell you. That trying not to love you, only went so far. Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart.

“Hey little buddy” Sonny said, sitting beside Clay. “You know it’s bad luck to drink alone right”

“Maybe I want to be alone” Clay sighed.

“Just reach out to her man” Jase said, pulling the beer bottle to his lips. “We all know that you and Y/N are just being stubborn, trust me she is no fun to live with at the moment”

“Yeah well we both decided to go separate ways” Clay snapped.

“Oh come on man you and everyone else knows that you two are meant to be together” Sonny said, glancing across the room to see Ray chatting to you, he didn’t know what was being said but he saw the tears in your eyes as you nodded, standing to your feet and started walking across the room. “But if you want to sit here feeling sorry for yourself then who are we to stop you” nodding at Jase they both stood up leaving him alone but knew he wouldn’t be alone for long.

“Clay” you sniffed fighting back tears as you sat opposite him. You waited until he looked up, his mood matching yours. “I can’t do this anymore”

“Do what?” He whispered looking into your tear filled eyes.

“Be apart from you any longer” you said fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie you were still wearing. “I’ve tried everything in me not to love you anymore but it only got me so far and if I’m being honest it only made me love you more and the more I tried not to need you just tore me apart”

You didn’t expect him to reach across the table, squeezing your hand, the contact making your heart feel a little lighter.

Now I see the silver lining of what we're fighting for. And if we just keep on trying, we could be much more.

“I think we made a mistake “ he whispered, brushing his thumb over your hand, sending sparks through your body. “The last two months just made me realise I don’t want anything other than you, I don’t want this life if you aren’t by my side”

“What we had was so special even if the last couple of months wasn’t the best” you whispered “we didn’t go about it like adults would, we let the communication break down. But I can’t do this without you, and I don’t want to do it without you” reaching out you placed your hand on his cheek as a smile appeared on Clay’s face.

“We gave up fighting for love but I see it now, maybe we can try again” he whispered, his blue eyes glistening with hope as well as tears.

“I’m willing if you are baby” you whispered, brushing your thumb over his cheek as his smile grew.

“Maybe Sonny was right all this time, soulmates always find a way back together” he whispered before leaning across the table placing a gentle kiss against your lips. “It’s a nice night tonight. What do you say we go for a walk?”

“Just like our first date” you said laughing for the first time in months, standing up you held your hand out in front of him, he wasted no time standing up linking his fingers between yours as you left the pub without saying bye to the guys.

You always believed that having a soul mate was a bunch of bullshit, until this moment. You both knew that you wouldn’t go back to how you were a year ago and it would take time and a lot of communication but it was a road you were both willing to travel, no matter how long it took.

'Cause trying not to love you. Oh, yeah, trying not to love you. Only makes me love you more.

@chibsytelford @mrsmarvelous1995 @supervalcsi @everyhowlmarksthedead @talicat713 @disasterfandoms @bravo-four-seal-team @jasonbabymama @jayhalsteadfan-2417 @lotsoflovefromlea @seik-o @ohitsnicolexo @phoenixhalliwell

[acciocriativity]

All Too Well||Harry Potter

Pairing: Harry Potter x Reader/Sirius' Daughter

Summary: The Second Wizard War was over more than a month ago and everybody had scars that might never be fully healed. This is not a new concept for you, you lost everything you once had.

Warnings: The whole thing is really angst

Word Count: 2,2k

A/N: I absolutely loved to write this fic, it is my first request so I'm a bit nervous haha. I hope you all enjoy!

I was used to the pain, both physical and emotional. After a week of Tonks and Lupin's funeral, everything was empty and the pain was numb, I had no hope that this would end anytime soon.

Largo Grimmauld's house had stayed for me, but after everything that happened, I couldn't even think of putting my feet there. To be fair, anywhere I could possibly go would have memories that are too painful to bear, so I rented a room in the Leaky Cauldron until I had an idea of ​​what to do with my life. I just didn't imagine it would take so long for that to happen.

Almost a month after the War was over, I had the willpower to go to the bank, as I was the last Black alive, everything that was in the coffers of those horrible people was now mine and they needed my consent to make the transfer.

To be honest I wish I had set fire to everything but unfortunately I needed money, my savings were almost over but I swore, even as a new millionaire, that I would not use anything more than necessary and that as soon as I had a job, I would return every penny, the minimum to make my father proud.

The next step took a few more days, visiting the abandoned house at Largo Grimmauld. For a few seconds I waited to see Kreacher there, which is really ironic, his bad mood would be the most comforting thing for me at the moment.

The pictures continued to scream, the mess was still in place, nothing new. There was no way I could live there at all, the few months I spent there were only possible because my father was there, Harry was there and obviously Mrs. Weasley's food helped a lot.

I haven't seen her since the Battle of Hogwarts, I knew that no Weasley would be against my visit, after all we were allies and even friends but I couldn't make it. They are dealing with their own losses and I know that He is there too.

He, it’s been a long time since I didn’t think about him or at least I wanted to fool myself thinking so. In the past year nothing has been able to take the eminent worry out of my heart, not for me but for him.

As I looked around the dusty room, I realized the stupid idea I had, here was the climax of my relationship with Harry.

- They would be very proud, you know - I said quietly looking at the brunette in the corner of my eye, he was looking at that picture again - not only because you are fighting as you can but because you are still you, you are still Harry, only Harry.

We were silent for a few seconds until I could see his green eyes staring at me in the pitch of the cold night, with only one lamp on and then he smiled, for how long I didn’t see his eyes shine so brightly?

- I guess only you think so but that's okay, I like just being Harry with you - he took one of my hands and we stayed like that, in silence, a moment of peace and quiet.

I felt an overwhelming urge to cry but I didn't allow myself to. Not after all this time that I was fixing the broken pieces of me. I took a deep breath and looked around, even though I knew there would be no one there, I went upstairs to my room.

Big mistake again, I already knew what would be waiting for me up there.

- Harry, what are you doing here ?? My dad will kill you if he finds out you are in my room! - I was in shock with the little love he had for his own life, since Sirius' room was right next to mine.

- And who said he needs to find out? In fact, we are not doing anything inappropriate, I just… - he didn't want to admit it, but it was always obvious, the dark circles under his eyes gave away his sleepless nights.

The only thing I did was make room on the bed, which was enough to make him smile and lie down with me. We didn't sleep, we just kept talking until the tiredness won us over but even without sleep, I felt that I was helping in some way.

I walked calmly through the room, it was the same way I had left it, the bed untied and the light blue paint already peeling, I opened the closet and started to take some clothes off the hangers.

I was sure that I would return there, that everything would work out, that I could somehow form a home at some point and how wrong I was...

The third step towards my full recovery was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. Admitting that there was no more space for me in London, that I was alone and I could do nothing about it, that I needed to leave everything behind and start over once and for all.

In the meantime, I often visited that house. I was not ready to let go, even the things I hated the most there, which is basically everything.

The last step was to say goodbye, so I visited Tonks and Lupin’s grave, I also visited Andromeda for the first time and finally met Teddy Lupin. He was adorable as I had imagined, with his mother's colored hair.

I said that I needed to be away for a while and she replied the only thing I didn't expect to hear.

- I understand dear, but know that you can always have a home here with us - her voice gave me a comfort that I didn't know I needed until then.

- I will remember it fondly and I will really come back, I want to be in the life of this little one here, if you let me - and then, her response came with a motherly hug, I couldn't contain myself anymore.

I couldn't take the weight of the pain alone and she didn't say one word until I calmed down. If I wasn’t as broken as I knew I was, I wouldn't have left her house anytime soon.

Apparating in front of the Burrow wasn't the most difficult part, even though I didn't completely master the apparition. I changed my mind at least 10 times before I reached the door and another 5 times before I knocked.

The sky was completely black, but the storm clouds covered the view of the moon and stars, no sound from inside the house was made and so I tried again and waited patiently.

- Y/N… my dear, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? Come in, you must be cold - the red-haired woman was wearing a purple robe and the only change I noticed was her tired eyes and lacking the natural glow inside them.

- I'm sorry for suddenly appearing here Molly, I wanted to say goodbye - I spoke as soon as I entered the room, almost as cold as outside.

- Are you moving dear? You should have warned me before, I could have made you a farewell party - she guided me to the kitchen and I was sure I wouldn't leave without a cup of tea.

I tried to stay as calm as possible, but I couldn't convince my heart to do the same. The sofa, the dining table and even the stairs...

- RONALD WEASLEY COME HERE NOW - the irritated voice of the matriarch echoed across the walls of the house, giving goosebumps to those who were unused, that is, Harry and me.

- It's always like that? - I asked slightly intimidated to the boy with glasses next to me.

- You haven't seen anything yet - said Ron as he passed us on the stairs and went down to face his mother's anger over some mess he had made.

We were 12 years old and I couldn't say that we were close friends, who would be friends with the daughter of a murderous traitor? Why did they invite me? I didn't even remember.

- And where do you want to go? I've heard of several good places to live in the countryside - the smell of tea brought me to reality and then I noticed his gaze under me.

- Well, I'm going to spend some time in the United States - I replied with the confidence that still remained in my body, if it had been in another situation I would have found the expression of surprise on her face really amusing.

We stayed for a few seconds in silence drinking tea until she answered me a little more calmly.

- If you're sure, I can only tell you to take care and keep in touch. I understand that this adaptation period has not been easy for any of us. If that's what you need to heal yourself ... - her face fell a bit and I noticed right away.

- Do you want to hear about the place where I'm staying? - I asked with a small smile and little by little she got excited again.

As I did not want to bother her beyond the point I already was, after the tea we said goodbye with a hug still in the kitchen, when we arrived in the living room we hugged again and I had the same feeling as when I hugged Andromeda earlier. I never had a mother and after so long, it seems that I got two maternal figures who really cared about me.

- Don't forget to send me a lot of pictures, okay? - before I could answer, we both turned around as soon as we heard a noise on the stairs.

There was no one there and even if there was, it would be difficult to distinguish a silhouette in the middle of the darkness formed in that area, but for a few seconds I managed to see an unowned foot before it disappeared.

- I really need to go Molly, can you tell the others that I'll be in touch soon, please? - she confirmed with a smile and I left without giving a second look at that staircase.

Why was he spying and listening to the conversation? My life has been around the actions of Harry Potter for a long time, but it has been years since the direct contact was over, until now. Why now? Why do I have to remember him again? Why do I have to walk around being a shadow of what I once was?

- Can you sit down and talk to me? - His voice sounded irritated for no plausible reason.

- Oh sure, do you want me to sit and listen to all the reasons why you don’t love me anymore? Do you want to put more salt on the wound or what? - my usual sarcasm was multiplied by 1000, even though I knew that Harry hated that.

I didn't wait for an answer and immediately left his empty dormitory towards the Gryffindor common room, which by luck or a lot of planning on his part, was also empty.

- You know that I have strong feelings for you, but not as befor- can you grow a little at least once? - his steps came behind me and I felt his gaze piercing my back, until I couldn't take it anymore and I turned to look at him.

- You already made your point clear yesterday Harry, if you want to break up alright, but I will not be silent hearing about how you fell in love with another girl- and for the first time he did not answer me back - Yeah, do you really think that I wouldn't notice? I was the first to see it, believe it or not. My mistake was to close my eyes and pretend that everything was fine between us.

He found no words to answer me and I was too tired to hear anything else.

- I will return your things and you can feel free to do whatever you want to, our conversation is over.

Some women passed behind me in the bathroom, I knew what was going on in their heads, "what's wrong with her?" or "why is she crying?" but I didn't mind and kept looking straight into that foggy airport mirror.

As soon as the door slammed and I knew I was alone for a few minutes, I closed my eyes and then made a promise to myself.

- I'll be back and I won't even remember why I had to forget you in the first place.

Harry Potter Masterlist

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

Dangerous Love (Pt. 10 of 13)

Pairing: Bruce Wayne (Batman) X Harley Quinn's sister!Reader

Word count: 3K

Summary: You're Harley Quinn's sister, Havoc, one of the many villain's of Gotham. But you've been caught, and has been tortured constantly for an year in Belle Reve. But when your think your life can't be anything else than the nightmare you find yourself into, Bruce Wayne, the Batman, takes you in for a project. He has a program to rehabilitate villains, and you're his lab rat. But soon enough confusing feelings start getting in the way. You know falling for Bruce is stupid. But can you keep your heart under control?

<- Previous part (09)

Next part (11)->

{Justice League - DC Masterlist}

×

Absence

The first week goes by terribly slow. The second is far worse. You're currently right in the middle of the third week since Bruce went to Washington to fight an alien invasion. And there's isn't much in the news yet. On the quick talk you had with Bruce, he told you they're doing their best to deal with the situation before the world starts freaking out. These aliens look like humans, but are far stronger. And Bruce is human. He has no superpower but his intelligence, and that's worrying you to death. You know how well he can deal with this, but it's different... Now that you love him, it's different. The very thought of losing him is suffocating, unbearable. You try your best not to think about it too much, but it's a paradox. How are you supposed to stop thinking about someone who's in your head 24/7?

During this time, Alfred has been a very good company. He doesn't speak much, but with time, you notice he feels a bit more comfortable being around you. He was probably one of the many people to try and talk Bruce out of the idea of bringing you here. But you understand him. If you were in his place, you'd probably do the same.

“So, do you like me now?” You ask him, seated on the kitchen island, watching as he takes the lasagna out of the oven. You made it yourself. Alfred gave you Bruce's tablet, so you would have something to distract yourself. One of the things you started doing was cooking. You try a new recipe every day, and you think you're improving.

“I'm growing used to your presence, Miss Quinzel. And I must admit you're doing quite well considering... You know what.”

“Considering I was a criminal. Harley Quinn's sister. Sentenced to life in prison twice?” It's getting easier to talk about your old life. It doesn't mean you like it, but you don't feel so attached to it anymore. You feel like you can exist apart from it, evolve, have a different life.

“Yes.” Alfred nods.

“Did you try to make Bruce, not like me? You know... You must've noticed something.”

“The effect you had on Master Bruce was immediate.” He starts, cutting a piece of the lasagna for you and for himself. “He even thought about sending you back to Belle Reve in the beginning. Whatever that was, I thought it would vanish with time but it didn't.” He puts the plate before you, and you watch the smoke coming from it as you listen to Alfred. “I often caught him looking at nothing, daydreaming, thinking... And when I went to ask about it, the first subject was always you.”

You're blushing, biting back a smile. “How much... How much do you think he likes me, Alfred?” Lowering your voice, you look at him, who sighs.

“I think he loves you, miss Quinzel.”

“Love...” You mumble, wondering if that could be true. Guess only time will tell. And you hope you'll have time, that whichever species is threatening Earth will be defeated. “I'm scared, you know... Of what may happen.”

“Don't worry. Master Bruce always comes back.”

“That's good to know,” you whisper more to yourself than to Alfred.

The bright part of the day was that Alfred actually complimented your lasagna. And for a moment you were able to smile and forget your worries. But later, at night, you're staring at the TV, news channel on, looking for any signs of Bruce. Anything about the aliens that might mean something... But there's nothing.

“Perhaps he'll have time to call you tonight, Miss Quinzel,” Alfred says, trying to calm you down.

Bruce probably asked him to look after you, because Alfred is always around, distracting you when you're starting to overthink, or just asking if you're alright. It's kind really, but you would like it better if it was Bruce doing all of those things. “Maybe. But he's always in such a rush... I can't bear the idea of him getting hurt.”

“Master Bruce is–” The sudden change in the TV gets your attention, and you're both staring when the 'Breaking News' letters come to the screen, in bright red.

“Live from Washington. A giant being, not from Earth, just arrived. He came out of the ship that was hovering over the city and–” The woman speaks fast, and behind her, the city is up in flames. The camera moves away from her, focusing on some kind of human-like beast with gray skin and spikes coming off his body. The thing is kneeled on the ground, like a stone. “He just came out of the spaceship and destroyed a few buildings on his way. He stopped now, but the Justice League is already trying to take him down. Despite the efforts, the... Being doesn't seem to get hurt. It's just sitting there...”

Your heart is beating so loud you can't even hear the woman now. Stumbling up from the couch, you walk away from the living room until you can't hear the TV anymore.

“Miss Quinzel,” Alfred calls, and you sit on the stairs, both hands on your head.

You should be there. You've been to missions before. You could help. “Alfred, how do I get there?” You speak fast, standing up to your feet and going back to your room.

“Bruce wouldn't want you to go.”

“I don't care. I have to help him.” Being here, doing nothing as Bruce is out there fighting a freaking giant gray alien is stupid. “I know I'm only human, but–”

You're cut off by a ring coming from the tablet. It's Bruce. Running to get it from the nightstand, you breathe out relieved to see it's a video call. Sitting on the bed, you answer it. Seeing him brings a smile to your lips. He's wearing the Batman suit, but without the mask. “Bruce.” You put the tablet on the nightstand, using the lamp to support it because your hands are shaking a little.

“(Y/N). How are you?”

“I'm fine... How are you? A-are you alright?” Pulling your feet up, you hug your knees. He looks tired.

“I'm alright, don't worry about me, sweetheart.”

“How can I not worry about you? I saw it on the news, like two minutes ago... The huge gray monster, Bruce. I'm going there to help you.” You speak fast, already thinking about how you'd actually get there. A commercial flight isn't really an option, not for you.

“No, (Y/N). If you were here I'd lose focus.”

“I won't distract you, I promise. I want to help.” You beg because that's the least you can do after everything he did for you. And you'd be helping people too, after being a villain.

“If you were here I'd lose focus because I'll want to protect you. And that would become my priority.” Bruce lowers his voice, and Alfred leaves after mumbling something about giving you some privacy. “(Y/N), I need you to know that if anything happens to me, you won't go back to Belle Reve.”

“What?” What the hell does he mean by that? He can't say something like that... “No! Don't you even-don't you even... Bruce, I don't wanna hear it. You have to make it back.” You speak fast, tears in your eyes. You can't lose him just when things are just starting. This can't be the end.

“Please, (Y/N)–”

“No! I don't wanna hear it.” You yell.

“(Y/N), listen!” Bruce shouts too, his voice louder than yours. His sudden outburst shuts you up, but you're a mess, tears rolling down as you're forced to face the possibility of his death. “I will not let them put you back in that prison. So I made plans just in case...” He makes a pause. “You'd live with a friend of mine. Well, with his mother on a farm in Smallville. It's a beautiful place. You'd have a calm life, but I must ask you not to startle Martha too much.”

“I don't wanna go anywhere, Bruce,” you beg, drying off some tears. “I just want you to come back.”

“I know, my love. But I had to do this. I would never leave you unprotected.” He gets tense suddenly when an explosion happens. “And I will leave you my money. To you and Alfred. You'd have all the means to rebuild your life as you want. In the farm or somewhere else. Study, buy a nice house–”

“Screw your money, Bruce. I want you!”

Another explosion and someone calls him. “I have to go... Take care of yourself, (Y/N).”

“Please, be careful.” I love you. The sentence comes to the tip of your tongue again, but you hold it back. “Come back to me.” You're still speaking when the connection is cut.

You just stay here, paralyzed, looking at the screen where Bruce was seconds ago. He was there, so close yet so far...

Time starts passing by in a blur. You stopped watching TV because you don't want to know what's happening out there. If Bruce dies... Alfred will be the one to tell you. And whatever comes next, it won't matter. At first, you were angry, furious, certain that you'd leave the mansion and head back to your old lair, straight back into your old life. But as the days go by, and turn into weeks, you realize you can't do that. You can't undo what Bruce did like it was nothing. You know that, if the worst happens, you'd want to honor the memory of the man you love. So you'd go to the stupid farm, live the rest of your days remembering the days you spent here, the few kisses you shared.

Sometime in the numbness, you made your way down to the cave, where you started putting all your anger, fear, and desperation on a punching bag. It soon became a daily activity, and it didn't take long until the skin on your knuckles broke. Alfred taught you how to wrap a bandage around your fists to help with the impact, but even so, the blood soon started to soak the white fabric. Bruce will be happy to know that you didn't revert back to your old ways... If he ever has the chance to know.

Today, almost a month after your last video call, you're cleaning your knuckles carefully, gasping when the pain hits. The skin is basically gone, and it's a nightmare just to clench your fists. But it's the only way you can cope. Pain is the only way you know how to deal with everything you're feeling. And above all that, you're feeling dizzy, sore. It's so damn cold today, but you refuse to take a coat with you because you'll warm up as soon as start punching the bag. With one last look in the mirror, you leave the bathroom, taking the bandages and wrapping them around your hands. You hear low voices, chattering, coming from downstairs. Did Alfred invite someone? Nobody came here since Bruce left.

Bruce... You're going crazy because you swear to God you hear his voice among the others. “Get it together. Don't think too much.” You repeat to yourself the motto you made, saying it again and again for the last weeks. “Get it together.” But you hear it again, and low footsteps.

You're telling yourself not to do this, that it's probably just your mind playing tricks, but you're soon at the hall, the voices filling your ears as you walk fast to the stairs. You're halfway there when you see him, climbing the last steps. You stop on your tracks, too scared to be seeing a ghost, a hallucination. Impulse wins over fear, and you're running towards him, too scared to reach nothing. But your heart stops and you start crying when you reach flesh, and you immediately jump onto his arms, wrapping your legs around his waist. He's quick to hold you, sustaining your weight.

“Are you really here?” You mumble, your voice is weak and a little affected by the crying.

“I'm here. I'm back, sweetheart. It's over.”

You pull away just enough to kiss him, to make sure this is not a dream. You can feel your heart beating violently, and the kiss has to be brief because you're having a hard time catching your breath.

“Oh, my.” Someone says, and something gets your attention downstairs. When you look, you see the small group of people responsible for the chattering. The so-called Justice League. You jump down, suddenly noticing how you were clinging into Bruce.

“I didn't know you had company,” you mutter, fixing your hair. Bruce suddenly takes one of your hands, and then the other one.

“What's that?” He asks.

“I was on the verge of going mad so I befriended one of your punching bags.” As you speak, Bruce starts unwrapping the bandage, and you sigh because you didn't want him to see what's underneath.

“(Y/N).” He exclaims to see the wounds, the basically inexistent skin on your knuckles, and some blood already.

“I know, Bruce, I just... I didn't know what to do and... This is–” You're aware of the eight pairs of eyes on you. “You should give your friends some attention,” you whisper.

“Excuse me for a moment.” Bruce raises his voice before pulling you with him, back into the bedroom.

He's silent as he treats the wounds. It hurts like hell, so you bite your lip. The bandage he puts on is a different type, and then he wraps it all around your hand, and in between your fingers. He also applied some moisture to help the healing process. “Why did you do that?”

“Because that's the only way I know how to cope.” Bruce sits on the bed beside you, and you turn your body towards him. “I was... I was mad because I finally fell in love with someone and he could die, I...”

“Hey, let's not talk about it now, ok?” He brings his hand to your face, and you missed his touch so much. But there's a weird expression on his face, and his hand moves to your neck. “You're hot.”

“What?” You don't follow the sudden change.

“You have a fever.”

“Oh... Really? I didn't notice.” Well, you noticed the soreness and dizziness, and how your body has been weaker in the last two days.

Bruce goes to the bathroom again and comes back handing you a pill. “This will help lower your fever. Now come, let's get you a glass of water and introduce you to the League.”

He reaches out his hand and you take it. “Are you going to introduce me to them?”

“Of course.”

You take another route so you'll pass through the kitchen first. And then you make your way to the living room. Bruce is still holding your hand, and you're sure that won't go unnoticed. “Bruce, I think you should let go of my hand. They'll think we're together.” You whisper, forcing him to slow down his pace.

“They just saw us kissing. And you jumping in arms.” He stops, looking down at you.

“Oh... Sorry about that, I didn't know they were looking.”

“Do you think I'll hide our relationship?” Bruce furrows his eyebrows a little, his fingers caressing your chin.

“Won't you?” You was expecting that. You didn't think Bruce would ever let whatever is happening between you to get outside this mansion.

“Of course I won't.” He bends over to kiss you and you tiptoe to meet his lips halfway. “Now, come. They're excited to meet you.”

“Why would they be excited to meet me?” You mutter, shrugging your shoulders.

When you get to the living room, all eyes fall on you. Maybe they're curious to know the criminal Bruce sheltered. “(Y/N), these are Clark, Arthur, Diana, and Barry. Everyone, this is (Y/N) Quinzel.“ Bruce says, and you step forward to shake their hands.

“Hi,” you mumble, clearing your throat. “It's nice to meet you, guys. I've seen you on TV.”

“I've seen you on TV too,” Barry speaks up. “No offense.”

“None taken. Don't worry.” You assure him. “I made peace with my past.”

“So... You two, huh?” Arthur says with a smirk. He's holding a huge Trident, and you have no idea why he has this thing here with him.

“Bruce here couldn't stop talking about you," Diana says with a smile, and the others nod and giggle. They seem eager to embarrass Bruce somehow. But you're sure you're the one blushing because it's good to know that he was thinking about you as much as you were thinking about him.

“Age gap. Hot.” Arthur winks at you. Or at Bruce, you're not sure. And it only takes three words to make everyone a little uncomfortable.

“Arthur, would you shut up?” Diana gives him a hard stare.

“Can you talk to fish?” You ask him, trying to change the focus of the subject.

“In a way, yes.”

“That's cool. In an away.” Shrugging your shoulders and giving him a small smile, you exchange a glance with Bruce as the others giggle again.

“Sassy. We'll get along just fine.” Barry exclaims, high-fiving you.

“Well, you're welcome to stay as long as you want before you need to head back to you... Jurisdictions.” Bruce announces. “And as long as you don't say stupid things to my girlfriend.”

“He's talking to you, Arthur.” Clark comments.

“So you guys are officially dating?”

“Of course they are, Barry. Batman here couldn't seem to think about anything else than her during the whole mission.” Diana says in a sassy tone.

“Alright,” Bruce speaks up, sighing. “Make yourselves comfortable. Come, sweetheart.”

“It was nice to meet the girl who stole Batman's heart,” Arthur says as you start walking away with Bruce.

“Woman.” You correct him as you wave.

Bruce takes you upstairs again, and you can't help but smile like an idiot. You feel your cheeks warm, but you're not sure if it's the fever or if you're just blushing. Instead of stopping by your bedroom, Bruce keeps guiding you through the hall. Before you can say anything, he opens a door for you.

“I need a warm shower and attend to a few wounds. Thought you'd like to be around.” When you step in, you realize you've never been in his bedroom. It's huge. The bed seems to be twice the size of yours, and there's a lounge near a big window with a couch and a TV. “Make yourself comfortable.”

“Ok.” He places a soft kiss on your lips before heading to the bathroom. There's another door here, which probably leads to a closet. But you don't want to intrude, so you just seat on the edge of his bed.

After a few minutes though, you can't help but wander around a little, looking at his stuff. It kinda feels like Bruce is allowing you to get to know him better, to get closer... A while after you end up by his nightstand, taking a picture up to get a closer look. It's a child Bruce, with his parents.

“I see you already met Martha and Thomas Wayne.” His voice scares you and you put the picture down.

“Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, (Y/N).” Bruce touches your arm, pulling you closer. You see a purple bruise on his neck, coming from his shoulder.

“You're hurt,” you say, pulling the collar of his shirt away so you can have a better look.

Bruce takes your hands in his, placing a kiss on the bandage wrapped around your knuckles. “I'm fine. Don't worry about me.”

“But–”

“Come here.” He pulls you towards the bed, sitting down, his back against the headboard. Taking a deep breath, you sit before him, but he keeps pulling you until your back is resting against his chest. “I fought a giant gray alien so I just want to sit here with you for a while.”

You smile to feel his arms around you, keeping you close, safe. You're very, very comfortable here, but you have to do something. So you move, turning around to face Bruce.

“What?”

“Sorry, but I have to kiss you.”

“Alright, but stop apologizing, ok? There's no reason to.” As he speaks, Bruce pulls you closer, a finger under your chin.

“Ok,” you mutter, smiling and slowly giving in into the kiss.

×

@fionanovasleftnut @glitterypinkkitty @mybabyboytony @chipster-21 @agustdpeach @yaakimoon2 @chloe-skywalker

[nomintokki]

Shouldn’t Be | Lee Jeno

PAIRINGS: Lee Jeno x Girlfriend!reader 

GENRE: angst, just angst kslajsajdla

WORDCOUNT: 1.4k

Synopsis: You found out you were being played by your partner for a year and a half.

A/N: Inspired by the song Shouldn’t be by Luke Chiang. I wrote this 2am in the morning and I was craving some angst so pls bear with me. 

It was late at night the moon was fully up, you just got back from your favorite cafe finishing your reviewers since finals were coming up. As soon as you arrived home you dropped your stuff and dove right into your bed letting the sheets swallow you up. As you rest you remembered you haven't seen or heard anything from your boyfriend, Lee Jeno. You and Jeno have been together for a half and a year by now although the past months were rough the two of you made sure to make up. However since finals were around the corner it was rare for both of you to see each other, even through texting and calls since both of you were too occupied by your own works. Thinking about him made you fish out your phone from your bag. You opened your phone having unread messages from Jeno and your best friend. You opened Jeno's message first "y/n sorry for replying late. I'm tired I’ll call you when finals are over. I miss you 💕" You miss him too you really do you just wish the finals will be over soon. You miss his scent, the scent of his minty cologne mixed with the citrusy scent of his shampoo, you miss his deep voice, and most of all you miss seeing his eye smile, his eyes that turn into two crescent moon shape whenever he smiles. You texted him back "I miss you too Jeno. Good luck with your finals! I love you!".

After clicking send you checked on your best friend's message "y/n I really don’t think Jeno and Cassie are just friends. I saw them again they were at Baskin look" *pic attached*. As you read your best friend's message your heart sank but once you opened the picture your heart even shattered. You have been suspecting that Jeno was cheating on you with Cassie, a random girl from your uni,  however, you keep on denying at convincing yourself they were just friends. You turned your phone off, not having the energy to reply to your best friend, lying down on the bed you feel nothing, numb perhaps, a lot is going through your mind.  You didn't want to confront Jeno yet, you don't want this to affect your performance in school most especially that finals are nearing. It hurts After staring at the ceiling long enough to gain back the energy to move, you stood up dragging your feet to the bathroom hoping a shower would help you clear your thoughts. 

Sadly, the shower was of no help. While the water was rushing through you thoughts keep coming. You kept on asking yourself ‘where could have I gone wrong?’ ‘Am I not enough?’ ‘am I too toxic for him?’ ‘why does it have to come to the point wherein he would cheat’. Knowing the stubborn you, you kept rebutting the last question you keep on telling yourself that Jeno can’t do this, he wouldn’t cheat even though proof was already there. You stepped out of the shower got dressed to your PJs and dove back to your bed. You snuggled yourself in you didn’t realize tears were coming, soon enough you fell asleep tired from thinking and crying. 

You woke up to your alarm, trying to open your tired and puffy eyes you turned off that annoying sound. You noticed that you have a notification from Jeno, just great what a nice thing to start your day with, you sarcastically thought. You clicked on the notification reading “Hi y/n today is your first and last finals for the sem! I hope you are well rested! Good luck” You wanted to convince yourself that what he said was genuine. Again you are too stubborn to see that he was lying, again you convinced yourself that they were just hanging out in that picture. But you were too tired to reply, You just threw your phone to your bag and started to get ready for the long day ahead. 

Finally, all of your written finals are over, some of your finals were practical and physical and you have already submitted them also. While walking toward your locker with your best friend you finally see Jeno, he was leaning through the door frame of a random classroom. The whole week you haven’t seen him, his back was facing you and you were planning to surprise him, but it was you who was surprised. As of on cue Cassie walked out of the classroom Jeno as near she gave him a hug and Jeno offered to carry her bag. You froze at the scene you were witnessing your best friend also froze probably didn’t know how to handle the situation. While your feet were still stuck on the ground Jeno turned around and saw you. His eyes grew big and called your name softly. He tried to reach out for you but you were fast, you started running away from him. 

After running far enough for your energy to drain you end up in the university’s parking lot. You dropped down to the ground and started crying harder. You couldn’t believe you witnessed your boyfriend for a year and half cheat on you. You weren’t surprised because you already knew that there is a possibility that he was cheating on you but the pain you were feeling was gnawing. It was really painful for you to think that he wasn’t honest when he was saying he misses you, he was playing with you, he hurt your pride. You realized that he told you words he didn’t mean. 

Your best friend found you in the parking lot she comforted you by patting your back. She waited for you to calm down and offered to bring you home. As soon as you got home, you let yourself be drowned by your sofa. You didn’t have the energy to go to your room and fix yourself anymore. Your best friend got a blanket from your room and put it on top of you. She fixed and placed some tissue, water, and anything you might need before she left. A few minutes after she left you fell to sleep while crying. 

Knocks from your door woke you up, too tired and drained you didn’t bother answering it. But then you heard his voice call out for your name. Tears started to form from your eyes again, you were already tired from crying but as if your tear ducts were broken and can’t stop from producing tears. “y/n please open the door let me talk to you” you heard him call for your name again. After a few more knocks you heard a heavy sigh from the other side of the door. ‘I don’t know if your in here or not if your listening or not. It’s okay if you don’t open the door I don’t really deserve it. Im such an asshole for doing this to you.’ you wanted to open the door for him but you were too hurt to do so, you decided to just listen instead. ‘‘There are no acceptable excuses as to why I cheated on you. I don’t know what gotten into me and how I did that. I won’t try to defend myself and throw excuses anymore cuz the fact is that I still cheated on you. Even though me and Cassie were not a thing I still cheated on you I admit that I’m sorry. If you won’t accept my apology I respect and understand that. But I’m really sorry.  You alone is enough I swear its just that... I couldn’t resist the temptations around me and I am really sorry It is totally my fault. I guess this will be the end for us huh?’’ he chuckles but you heard his voice crack and this made you cry harder. “ I want to say I’m really thankful for you y/n. With you, I was able to experience different things and feel the happiness I have never felt before I met you. Having you beside me was probably the highlight of my life. I swear I would regret doing this to you. I probably can’t even forgive myself for doing this to you. I was too dumb to ruin what we have. I am sorry y/n I really am.”

Hearing him makes you want to open the door and forgive him already, you miss him so much you wanted to smell his scent again. But you just can’t. everything is just too painful for you to brush off. You want to keep him so bad, keeping him close to you shouldn’t be this hard. But you can’t it made you feel the lowest and you don’t think you can stand up yet and keep him near you again. 

[mom-dad-im-black]

"I promise I'll love you even with my broken heart"

What's love?

It has been the question on  14 years old Soyeon's mind as she watched her friend running in the backyard of the orphanage, the shorter girl following the female figure up close as both of them make their way to the tree house that the tallest among them declared as hers.

They went up the stairs and made themselves comfortable surrounded by memories they had hung on the wood walls, they even used to play darts with the picture of the principal of the orphanage as they talked about the families that had visited them that day

Soyeon listened careful as her dearest friend was on and on about an special Chinese family that caught her attention, seems like a perfect match with a lovely mom, a kind dad and an impatient younger daughter by the name Yuqi.

And as Soyeon kept hearing her friend, she began to confirm to herself that the girl in front of her was the only home she got and needed, for the gummy smiled girl, her friend was everything and wished for it to stay that way.

They knew both of them were already old to be adopted, being teens, complicated their situation, knowing that when they turn 18, the orphanage won't be able to host them anymore, it was the reason why they got a backup plan.

If that day came, they will live together, both of them will work their asses out to have a decent life and the most important of it, they will be together.

 When her friend finished her description they did their ritual to end the day, toasting with their red cups with some 7up in them and cheered for better days to come and to keep their friendship no matter what.

Don't take her wrong she was happy that her friend was finally able to have the family she had always wished but on the other side Soyeon felt alone, who was going to be her partner in crime now? 

But life is never what a person expected to be and by the second month Soyeon got one of the saddest news she had heard...

her friend got adopted.

After the new spreeded, two more weeks were given to them, as a way of closure but as they said they farewells in their tree house they also made a promise to keep in touch as they raised their traditional 7up red cups and tears fell from their eyes, they hugged each other and silently both of them repeated

"No matter when, no matter how we will find each other" 

Soyeon watched her long friend walking outside the orphanage, being welcome by her now parents and sister as they helped her to hop onto the car all this as her eyes were clouded by her tears and her heart felt empty and numb.

For Soyeon life was never easy after that, even though every Friday she received a letter from her friend, after another three years passed the dream of a family faded away when the principal announced her she will have to leave on her next birthday.

She walked out of the orphanage with nothing more than just a suitcase in her hand and a bag hanging from her shoulder, and once again, she was alone.

The orphanage helped her to find a job as a waitress in a Thai restaurant and a small apartment to live in on her own just a block away from her workplace, it wasn't much but for the first time in her life she had something that it was hers, and with her first salary received she bought a necessary cellphone to keep in touch with her friend although sometimes it was difficult.

At the restaurant Soyeon saw Minnie, the owner's daughter with who she began to develop a good friendship too, the girl was younger than her but they had got along since the day they met.

On the other side her childhood friend had won the lottery, her family loved her a lot and offered her the opportunity to travel and also supported her on her dreams to became a dancer.

The last time they talked her friend talked her about a Taiwanese girl she had met on her dancing studio and for some reason Soyeon felt sad as she heard the happy voice on the other line.

After a long year of work Soyeon finally could met up with her friend, she had invited her to a collage party, inviting Minnie along, so Soyeon dress up for the occasion, a ripped jeans, white shirt and a black leather jacket on top as black leather ankle boots completed her outfit.

They arrived to the direction given and found a house full of drunk people on the front yard and loud music reached her ears. Shyly Soyeon and Minnie got inside, Soyeon looking with her eyes to her friend,  almost not recognizing her partner in crime which hair was red now.

Both of them looked each other back and forth before the red haired girl ran to Soyeon's direction throwing her arms around her neck and her legs around her waist as the koala bear girl expressed how much she had missed her.

-Soyeon omg I'm so glad that you are here, come you have to meet my friends - an excited redhead welcomed Soyeon as she dragged her by the arm to meet the other people in the room

- I'm glad to see you again too Soojin- was Soyeon unheard answered with a Minnie clinged to her waist.

- here, this is Hui, Yuto, Miyeon and guys where is she?- was the half introduction Soojin did before getting distracted.

-anyways, y'all, this is my best friend Soyeon and she...who is she?-  Soojin questioned Soyeon when she saw the silent girl besides her friend.

- she is Minnie, a friend of mine - Soyeon introduce her and they all greeted each other.

After that, they bagan to drink and dance as the music was on point that night, they all even sang  most of the songs played, it was until Soyeon felt drop of cold water on her hands that she saw Soojin holding a red cup filled with a some beverage in, to which the short haired girl laughed.

- I cannot believe you remembered- she said holding the cup on her hands

- how could I forget it - she pointed out raising her cup - for our friendship-

-for our friendship- Soyeon repeated and toasted.

- this is definitely not 7up- Soyeon expressed feeling the burning sensation on her throat.

- we are 19! Of course it wouldn't be 7up alone - Soojin explained her winking an eye to Soyeon

They were outside talking when suddenly a pair of arms surrounded Soojin's shoulder along with a cute nickname said

-jin-ah~ why you left me alone- the stranger girl pouted as she looked at Soojin dearly

- I just left for about 10 minutes, don't be dramatic- Soojin said smiling sweetly to the other girl

- I know I know I know, but I missed you - clearly the poor girl was drunk making her even cuter.

 And Soyeon got surprised when Soojin touched the other girl's cheek and kissed her lips.

-you are drunk baby -  Soojin stated as she looked shyly back at Soyeon.

- she is Shuhua, my girlfriend- the red hair explained.

- I have been wanting to tell you but she got lost and then I kinda forgot- she excused herself, looking with a little shame to Soyeon.

- I was also afraid of your reaction- finally Soojin admitted not hearing a reply from her friend.

Soyeon sensing the insecurity in Soojin's voice just smiled at her

-it's totally fine, don't worry, is she the pretty girl of your dancing class?- Soyeon inquired receiving a nod from Soojin who was now holding a sleepy Shuhua on her shoulder.

- I should  probably take her home- Soojin spoke after some silent minutes

-yeah you should, she will totally regret it tomorrow - Soyeon laughed at her joke watching a zombie like Shuhua.

And as Soyeon watched her friend getting into a cab she called her name

- Soojin! It was great to see you again and it's totally fine, really, I like girls too - was all Soyeon confessed just to received a warm hug from a teary Soojin seconds after hearing a lot of "thank yous" from her, who went back to the car promising to call her tomorrow.

And standing outside of a foreign house as a cab faded on the road, Soyeon experienced a broken heart for the first time.

The following moths they hang out almost every weekend, specially after Soyeon got her first car, it was and old red Camaro, it was not fancy at all but it was hers, it became mandatory to went out to ride the streets of Seoul going to hills on the outside of the city and enjoy the view of the busy city below them, a red cup always in their hands and right there on the right side door their names were engraved.

Soyeon remember too those moments shared at her room, how Soojin will always be around singing songs and dancing as the gummy smiled girl wrote lyrics, little did Soojin know they were all about her. 

The now blue haired girl might have a girlfriend but that didn't stopped Soyeon to stop her feelings from growing inside her chest although she well known Soojin will never love her like that, it killed her but she preferred having her friendship that nothing at all.

But as we all know things never stay the same and Soyeon found out about it when both of them turned 22, and it showed up as a letter delivered to her house.

Curiosity took over her as she opened the envelope which was on the floor five seconds later, there Soyeon red something she had seen coming but wasn't ready for it.

"Soojin and Shuhua invited you to their wedding" 

It was understandable, the girls have been dating for almost 4 years, it was meant to be and  Soyeon cried remembering all those moments shared on her car, her room, and a third face always on the background, watching them and enjoying the time spent with them.

So now Soyeon was watching her friend on her wedding dress, walking down the aisle while remaining as beautiful as Soyeon had always seen her, hearing her saying the "I do" she dreamed was for her one day,  sharing their first dance together with the song she had wrote for them and as each moment happened before her eyes, it came a moment where it was too much for her to handle.

She walked outside the salon, towards the  garden on the back, hugging herself as the cold air hit her body and tears began to form on her eyes.

Soyeon clean the last tear from her cheek as something cold and wet touched her bare shoulder founding a beautiful smile on her side.

- don't tell me we are doing this- she questioned the girl on her right side laughing by the silliness of the situation

- it wouldn't be us if we didn't- the now black short haired girl replied lifting her red cup up

-for our friendship?- Soyeon said in doubt received a light push from the other cup that touched hers

- for our friendship- Soojin confirmed drinking up the liquor in.

Soyeon took that instant to admired Soojin one last time, she had been the love she had dearest the most, but she will let it go to stay with the best friendship she has ever had.

 And Soyeon drunk to that receiving a tight and warm hug from a married Soojin, who had tears pouring down on her make up.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Soojin went inside leaving Soyeon alone outside, who had stayed to admired the starts, it was her excuse to ease her mind.

Soyeon was too caught up looking up the sky when she felt something warm around her shoulder.

- you shouldn't be outside without a proper coat, you might catch a cold- a cute voice replied her taking a seat next to her.

-you know, first love always sucks but there is a reason why is called like that- she spoke surprising Soyeon by her straightforward words

- it's because the first love is made to be forgotten, if it was truth love, then it will be called the last love-  she continued her explanation ending it with a shy smile.

- I'm...- and Soyeon got interrupted

- you are Soyeon, Soojin's best friend, and I am Yuqi, Soojin's sister- the stranger finally got a name, and as she introduced herself she extended her arm for a handshake.

And as Soyeon  touched the other girl's hand her body freezed as she heard Yuqi next statement.

- and your last love - 

And Soyeon smiled at the confidence of the girl next to her.