#might also have some erorebus

[kimabutch]

Some thoughts about Sasha’s letter, because no one stopped me. 

Alright, mates.

Sorry about the erroribus. It’s been so long that you all speak Latin in my dreams. But you know I wasn’t all that good in English to start.

The phrase “you all speak Latin in my dreams” is forever going to be written in my heart — it’s a beautiful, simple way of saying how much she still thinks about them, decades later, these people she knew for a month at most. There’s something sad about it, the implication that maybe it’s not their voices exactly she hears in her dreams, it’s been so long since she heard them speak, but I think she’s okay with that. Her memories of them are intertwined with her life now. 

I got no proof you made it back, but I believe you did. I believe that you’re okay, somewhere. I am. 

What stands out to me so much throughout this letter is the hope. The faith that Azu and Hamid got back. The trust that the letter will get to them, over a thousand years later. The belief that Grizzop is happy and that she’ll get to see them all someday. Sasha didn’t really believe in good news, before. Her excitement for exploring the world was balanced by her cynicism. Now, she’s seen so much of the world, good and bad, and she’s hopeful. I’m so glad she got to that point. It gives me hope, too.

We landed back in Rome right when it was falling apart. There was fights. Grizzop took a spear that was meant for me, and then he took more. I light candles for him at the temple every year. They tell me that he’s happy somewhere on a Celestial Hunt and I believe that, too.

Words cannot describe how relieved I am that Sasha had help in finding closure for Grizzop, that she managed to talk to the Cult of Artemis/Diana and hear from someone that he was happy. There’s so much between the lines here, such a big space between his death and her lighting of candles for him, so much that Sasha would have had to process in losing her last connection to home, in having someone else die. But she wasn’t alone this time.

After everything was destroyed by the dragons, I found a home and a friend. So much was ruined and a lot of people was also lost, and so we took them in, too. Some of them was so small that they didn’t have names or they couldn’t remember them. But they’ve grown up now.

Azu is my best locksmith. Grizzop turned out all calm and quiet. He loves plants and growing living things. Cleric of Opis. I hope other Grizzop would be ok with that. Amidus used to help me out with the business side of our security work but he’s busy with his own twins now. They’re exactly your height now Hamid and they call me Ava. No one here could pronounce ‘Zolf’. We ended up calling him Sagax. Has excellens knife work when he’s not busy arguing. I think they’d get on. Little Wilde has caused me so many headaches you would not believe. Bertus teaches the kids acrobatics now that I’m getting too stiff. I wish so much that you could meet them.

Sasha was never good at speaking directly about her emotions; she was always better at showing people how she felt. And here, she doesn’t say “I love you,” or “you are my family,” or “you helped me when I was lost and alone.” Instead, she shows them — shows them how much her friends meant to her, shows them that she built with her adopted children what her friends gave to her. 

And the small images that this conjures up are just beautiful; Sasha’s audible pride in little Azu; Sasha teasing Grizzop for how different he is from his namesake and Wilde for how similar he is; Sasha smiling when she heard Amidus had had twins, just like Hamid’s siblings, and measuring their height against that of her old friend; trying to teach people how to say Zolf and finally giving up and figuring out a name that paid tribute to his wisdom; Sasha showing Bertus the falcon scar on her back. 

I also wish that they could meet them; I think all of their hearts would swell with pride for everything Sasha did and everyone she helped.

Sometimes you can’t save the world but you can save a person. I believe I’ll see you again and get to tell you that. Light a candle for Grizzop for me.

I’m also never going to be over “you can’t save the world but you can save a person.” I think it’s got a double meaning, sort of. 

On the one hand, I wonder if she’s talking about their mission, how she’s accepted that she couldn’t be there to take down the simulacrum with them and save the world she grew up in; she’s managed to save people where she is, and that’s what matters. 

But the second line makes me think she’s speaking to the guilt that she knows her friends must be facing. Reminding them that whatever happens in the world, they should know that they saved her. That Zolf and Hamid changed her life for the better when they looked out for her in that alleyway in London; that Hamid, Azu, and Wilde saved her by helping her heal in Cairo; that all of them gave her hope and love when she was so alone. That she’s taken care of other people now, and she’s let other people take care of her, and she knows how important that is, even if it’s just for one person.

And then there’s a third thing that Sasha wouldn’t have known about. When her friends saved her, just one person, they did save the world, because that one person went on to found the organization that’s now leading efforts against the infection. With every success of the Harlequins, that’s Sasha fighting alongside them. 

Thanks mates.

Whosaskinus “Sasha” Lolomg

It means so much that Sasha dropped “Rackett” in favour of one name that was truly hers and another that she shares with her mates. She lived her life free, on her own terms. I’m so, so proud of her. 

Thanks, Lydia, for the letter and for Sasha.