#middle school havilah has been feeling unloved and unlovable lately and idk how to make her feel better idk what to say the pandemic is just

[i-am-a-fucking-nerd]

td is my 21st bday and my day wasn’t bad and lots of ppl have done lots of things to make me feel loved but im gonna vent a bit bc i’ve been saving it. and im. so fucking sad. last year my bday was just after quarantine started and it was tough bc nothing rly felt real yet and i’d been looking forward to going to services and seeing my friends at temple and then going home to my roommates and a couple friends and being able to eat dinner w them and get drunk and watch a movie together and i held a lot of resentment towards the universe for a v long time bc i kept thinking abt how like, i wasn’t asking for much at all, i just wanted a nice day where i got to see ppl who loved me, and yet somehow it was still too much to ask. and like. im def not “used” to living like this and i can’t say it’s gotten easier over time but sometimes things aren’t totally awful, yknow? but the past week has been hell, the year feels so heavy. and it’s undeniably a year. bc it’s actually slightly over a year. bc quarantine started just before my bday. a whole year feeling unloved and alone. and who i talk to or how much doesn’t even change that much bc no one can hug me. it’s been a year. it’s been a year. it’s so big and it hurts so much. i tried not to ask for anything this year bc if i don’t ask for anything then anything that Does come my way is a pleasant surprise (and lots of ppl reached out and i got some rly thoughtful gifts and im not tryna discount the love i received and i don’t wanna seem ungrateful) but if im being honest w myself i’d always expected to do something for my 21st, most likely in the form of buying a drink legally, and like im not a party type of person but i am a ‘hanging out w my friends’ type of person and i just feel so fucking alone.