#middle of the night while i was v emotional after rereading this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bokutoslittlebird · 4 years ago

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In Your Eyes

Bokuto Kōtarō x Chubby!Reader

Author’s Note : There are some dark things in here and if you feel suicidal please do not keep it bottled in. It’s not healthy and needs to be addressed. The really bad stuff isn’t until the middle (right before the smut, basically), so be warned! That’s where the suicidal stuff is and like I said, if you do any of this or feel suicidal please seek professional help because it’s not worth keeping unhealthy feelings inside ; If you are wondering why Bokuto’s obsessed with licking and biting in this, I have been rereading a doujin where Bokuto does that and, well, it’s hot ; I swear this would not have taken me so long if I didn’t keep crying while writing it omg I would be dead if I had a shot every time I had to stop writing so I could wipe my tears and snot. This is why I don’t like to read or write angst but wow was that therapeutic.

Warnings: angst, fat shaming, use of the word “pig”, body dysmorphia (inability to look in a mirror), vomit, suicidal tendencies/intention (via overdose) + implied past actions alcohol, soft!dom Bokuto, choking, creampie(s), mating press+doggy style, licking and biting, facesitting

The cheers of the crowd erupted as the whistle blew. Once again, the MSBY Black Jackals had won. This match was against the Red Falcons, another team in the V.1 division. It was a close call, but Hinata managed to break the deuce with his monstrous quick attack and seal the set with their victory.

The team was jumping and bouncing, giving out high fives as they did. Of course, they had to shake hands with the Adlers, bowing to the audience and thanking them for their support. When Bokuto did his classic ‘Bokuto Beam’ move towards the audience, you could hear the girls squealing and giggling. It isn’t like they didn’t do the same when Atsumu or Hinata waved to them, but it hit you different. After all, they were beautiful in your eyes, slim and flawless.

Oh, yes. You’re the MSBY Black Jackal’s manager, being a classmate of Hinata in his second and third year (as in you tutored him and helped manage the volleyball club with Yachi). Hinata was your first friend, which kind of sounds pathetic. It was, if you were being honest with yourself. Being heavier than the average girl at your school subjected you to bullying and pranks that ended with you crying until you threw up. Hinata never made you feel like that, though. He always made sure you were comfortable and every member of the club at Karasuno treated you like an angel. You ended up applying to be the MSBY manager when Hinata asked, saying they needed a manager and wondered if you could apply. Well, it was either that or finding a job at the circus, as your family would sneer at you. Truly, Hinata was the first to accept you.

Once you got the job, it was like being back at Karasuno, honestly. Everyone was friendly and treated you no differently than they would treat others. However, you wished one of them would treat you differently.

Bokuto.

He was the ace of the team, a goofy fella that could make anyone smile. Including you. Aside from Hinata, he made you feel accepted and made you forget about any woes and horrid thoughts you were facing. He didn’t know about them like Hinata did, but you were sure he’d treat you different if he knew.

Once everything was packed up, you and the coach headed out, the team not too far behind you.

“Shōyō-kun, that was one of yer best sets yet!” Atsumu cheerily piped up, walking behind Hinata. Hinata was right beside you, as he always was.

“I’m glad you think so! I don’t know if we can surprise the Adlers next time, though. Kageyama still knows my tricks,” he huffed as he finished his statement, putting his hair down so he could mock Kageyama. You giggled at his antics.

“Alright, change up and meet at the bus in 10 minutes, let’s go!” Coach commanded. Each member voiced their acquiescence. You decided to use this opportunity to go to the bathroom. After all, their match lasted almost an hour, if not more.

In the restrooms, you were almost done when you heard a bunch of girls giggling as they entered. Instead of leaving, you stayed in place, waiting for them to go.

You wish you hadn’t.

“Gosh, those boys are so attractive!” One of them said. Two voices agreed.

“Have you seen Atsumu and Kageyama? They’re both so hot!”

“I was too focused on that number 12,” oh no, “Bokuto, I think? He’s a good looking man, bet he has the stamina of a god, too,”

“Yeah, it’s a shame their brand is ruined by that mascot of theirs.” What?

“Mascot? Oh! You mean the pig? Yeah, she does put a damper on everything, doesn’t she? Imagine being that attractive and having that thing follow you around!” The girl cackled, her friends following suit. You felt your stomach drop, tears springing in the corner of your eyes as you listened to them.

It was easy to forget you were different when you with the team since they made you feel normal, but that didn’t mean others wouldn’t notice you.

The girls eventually left, the door slamming shut behind them. Whether they came in there to do makeup or just talk shit about you knowing you were in there didn’t matter. Not when you were crumpled up on the floor as sobs wracked your frame. Life sucks.

It’s not like you didn’t try! That’s the other thing! You try to lose weight and nothing happens, exercising doesn’t do much and diets are practically useless. You used to go to the gym, but stopped when you kept getting stares. You also used to run with Hinata in the mornings, but since he was so much faster than you, you stopped. What’s the point if you’re panting and breathless after a minute while he’s still going strong after 30 minutes? It felt like nothing would ever help.

A buzzing interrupted your crying fest, you sniffling as you wipe away the tears and look at the screen. It’s from the groupchat, Hinata asking if you’re okay and they were all at the bus. You typed back a quick ‘K’ and got up. The best you could hope for was nobody would point out the red eyes and the sniffling.

Hinata knew of your troubles, being there for you when you broke down in school more often than not. When you confided that he was the first person you felt comfortable with, it broke him. Seeing you had bottled up your emotions because nobody bothered to listen or care, it made him want to include you in his life. He would invite you over for dinner and his sister would excitedly talk to you, never making you feel uncomfortable. When he heard that you were in Osaka, he immediately called you up about being the MSBY manager.

He also knew of your crush on Bokuto. It was obvious to him, with how you looked at the ace with longing. Hinata even encouraged you to confess, but that was quickly dismissed when you told Hinata how you felt like Bokuto deserved better than someone like you. Bokuto was muscular, attractive, and charming — in your eyes, he deserved to be with someone his equal. That did not mean you. Hinata knew of your troubles, but he also knew of Bokuto’s. Bokuto has a crush on you, too, finding himself more accepted with you around. Contrary to the ace’s personality, he was insecure in a lot of things. He wasn’t very smart, which was often pointed out by others. He knew when someone was upset, though, so he always knew he needed to make you feel better.

Once you arrived at the bus, Hinata greeted you as everyone else had boarded. “What’s wrong?”

“The same old thing, you know,” you sniffle, your voice cracking as you remember the hateful words. Hinata’s face soured as you said those words. Back in high school, he would sit down and cry with you. Now, he was tired of you still being picked on as an adult.

“Immature, that’s what they are. Come on, we’re gonna stop by that restaurant you love.” Oh great, food. You may have been starving when the match ended, but after the incident, you just wanted to go home and cry. You numbly nodded and followed Hinata onto the bus. The coach didn’t bother pointing out anything, but he sent you a sad look when he noticed the red eyes on you. You sadly smiled and continued to your seat, behind the coach as the bus started to move. Curling into your jacket, you tried to think of something else.

The restaurant was a disaster. Everyone had been excited and gotten off the bus when a bunch of fangirls came up to them. You had just smiled and shook your head, feeling better already. At least, you had been until the girls noticed you and gave you looks of disgust. It was short lived, their attention turning back to the boys, so you briskly walked off, into the restaurant, away from the crowd. It took almost 5 minutes for the girls to leave, but you refused to eat anything other than a salad and drink water. Even then, you excused yourself to the restroom to take a break, crying and attempting to force yourself to throw up. Once home, you locked the front door and let your emotions spill out. Crying and screaming was common, so that’s what you did. Then came the process — getting rid of any reflective surface. Turning off the lights, turning on the tv, covering the mirrors with sheets, closing the blinds, shutting out any possibility of looking at yourself. Even with nobody around, those words and looks stuck and struck deep, you eventually curling into yourself on your bed as you cried yourself to sleep.

The next day came, your alarm ringing and the sound bouncing off the walls. You turned it off, completely turning off your phone. Instead of dealing with alarms and people, you’d suffer alone behind the comfort of your home.

The team was worried, you were never late. Bokuto was more pouty than normal, your cheerful greeting missing from his morning and his bear hug. Atsumu also missed your cheerful greeting, asking Hinata if he knew of anything. When Hinata said he did not, he texted and called you, receiving no answer.

Okay, then he’d go to you.

Hinata had stayed at your apartment before, spending the night or just to hang out. Sometimes he brings you food and snacks when you need it, or he just checks on you. He has a spare key in case of anything and he’s glad he does when the door’s locked with no answer. He calls you once more time, knocking until he hears something. It’s faint, but it sounds like movement. So, you’re awake. But not answering the door. Sighing, he unlocks the door.

The apartment is not surprising to him, the windows covered and reflective surfaces covered. He was afraid of this, but he continues on. When he reaches your room, he hears more sniffling and crying. “[Y/N]?”

“Leave me be, Shōyō,”

“[Y/N], please. The team misses you,”

“Fuck off. I’m a charity case to them, I know it. Why else would they keep me around? I should just wallow away,” your voice sounds tired, the thought of the boys sticking with you out of pity a common thought you’ve had.

A thought that isn’t true, but breaks Hinata’s heart. “You know that’s not true. Everyone loves you! Even Bokuto,”

“Shōyō, shut up. Empty words do nothing. Maybe it’d be better if I just... stayed here. Maybe I should just end the misery,”

“Do not. Talk like that. Please.” Hinata’s voice cracks with each word. He knew you were bad, but you could pretend like everything was fine. He should’ve known the harsh treatment yesterday would affect you like this. He should’ve spent the night with you when you ordered a salad and a water. He should’ve told the coach or Meian when you went to the bathroom for 10 minutes that you were trying to throw up. Your lie of there being a line was obvious, a common excuse after a long time away. Hinata felt his chest tighten as he realized you didn’t answer him. “I’m getting Bokuto.”

“Shōyō! Don’t you dare!” Your screams do nothing as he basically runs out your apartment, you flinging the door open to see him gone. You start crying more, afraid that Bokuto will see just how pathetic you are. If he ever looked at you with disgust, the way everyone else does, you don’t know if you could continue on with your life.

Maybe it’d be better that way.

Bokuto doesn’t really know what’s going on, one moment he’s stretching and the next he’s running to the train station with Hinata’s words repeating over and over again.

‘[Y/N] needs you’

Bokuto’s first thought immediately went into the gutters, a blush coating his cheeks until Hinata continued.

‘I think she’s in trouble’

With those two sentences, Bokuto ran off, forgetting his bag and just taking his phone with him. He only needed his phone, really. Strange stares from the public didn’t bother him, he knows he’s still wearing his practice clothes and his knee pads, the material looking like leggings. He made it to the train station before it left, getting on and calling Hinata back.

“Bokuto?”

“I’m on the train, is everything okay?” He was panting, the train station being a bit away from the practice gym. He didn’t even bother sitting, just standing beside the doors.

“I don’t know. She’s.. She’s in a bad place. She won’t listen to me, but she’ll listen to you,” Hinata’s words are slightly muffled, sniffling accompanying his sentence. The words make Bokuto’s chest tighten.

“I don’t know what I can do, you’re her best friend. What could I do?”

“She’s in love with you. Has been for a while, actually. I know you can help her where I can’t. Just — I’ll give you her apartment key when you get to the station. Once I do, please go to her. Please,”

“I—“ Bokuto’s eyes are wide, his face definitely pink now. He’s still worried about you, but the idea of you actually liking him — no, loving him the same way he loves you, it makes him giddy. It gives him the push he needs to make it to you.

As soon as the doors open, there’s Hinata, holding a key ring for him to take. Bokuto doesn’t hesitate, a quick nod in Hinata’s direction before he rushes off to your apartment complex. All of the boys have been to your apartment before, but Bokuto and Hinata are the only ones who know the way to the place. Bokuto has gotten a bit drunk before and ended up crashing at your place, as well as just staying there when practices run late since his place is the farthest away from their practice gym.

Arriving at the apartment, he slides the key in and turns the knob, momentarily confused at the sheets covering your glass coffee table and the TV, but he continues in. He knocks on your bedroom door. “[Y/N]? Are you in here?” When he gets no response, he freaks out. Turning the knob, he notices you’re not in there, but there are more sheets covering things, as well as the blinds being shut. Even more confused, he turns back to the hallway and notices the bathroom door is closed. Fear strikes him as he thinks he knows why you’re not answering — he hopes he’s wrong.

When he opens the door, he realizes he was partially right. With a bottle of wine pressed to your lips, an empty pill bottle in one hand, your eyes wide as Bokuto’s golden eyes met yours. A brief moment of anger flashed across his face before you were forced over the toilet, his thick fingers going down your throat.

“Shtap!” Your muffled voice comes out, gagging around his fingers as he attempts to activate your gag reflex. He doesn’t stop, your squirming easily quelled against his strong grip on your arms pinning them back. You feel the bile rise and then you’re expelling the contents of your stomach into the toilet, coughing and sputtering as the painkillers you just took are now emptied into the porcelain bowl. Bokuto doesn’t let go of you as you cry, trying to get out of his hold.

He doesn’t know what he should bring up first, the fact Hinata called him over or the fact he caught you in the middle of a suicide attempt. You’re screaming and telling him to get off of you, but he instead holds you closer, your sobs fading as tears spill out of his own eyes, staining the hoodie you’re in. “Why would you do that?” He whispers.

You don’t know how to respond to that, instead choosing the phrase, “why not?” His face scrunches up and you don’t know if he’s in pain or angry as he shakes you.

“Why would you do that?! Don’t you know how many people would be distraught over you? Hinata would be inconsolable! Who would TsumTsum and I joke with? Did you even think about that? Did you think about me?” His voice is loud and it makes you cry harder, the weight of his words hitting deep. Bokuto’s been there for you through a lot and you’ve been facing all your problems on your own. “You can’t just do that! That’s selfish!”

“Why would it matter, Bo? What’s the point? I can’t face myself let alone face my feelings! Why not just stop hurting?” You’re both crying, him holding onto you tightly as you dry heave a bit, a stinging in the back of your throat and an arrow in your heart.

“Why can’t you face your feelings? You have Hinata and me!” Before you can tell him something else, he presses his lips to your forehead. You freeze. “I don’t know what I’d do if you left me. I don’t think I could live without you,” He dryly chuckles, tears still streaking down his face. You hiccup and look down, afraid to face him.

“You don’t mean that. You’re trying to make me feel better, I know. Just be honest with your feelings. I’m already low enough, no reason to keep up appearances,” more tears come out as you try to not break into another fit. Bokuto would never look at you the same you looked at him, especially not after seeing you like this. You couldn’t blame him, you look like a mess in your old sweatpants and the old hoodie that felt too tight even if it was one of the largest sizes you could find. Your hair is no better, hasn’t been brushed and you’ve been in bed for a while.

“Hinata said you loved me—“

“Stop,”

“So I came because he said he was worried—“

“You don’t need to say it,”

“If I had been a second later—“

“Stop it, please,”

“I wouldn’t have been able to tell you my feelings—“

“Please, don’t,” you cover your face, tears blurring your vision anyways. Bokuto removes your hands, looking into your eyes. His own are full of warmth and love, not disgust or regret. It makes you cry more, a horrible wail as you dive into his chest. He laughs as his arms wrap around you, comforting in these dark moments.

“I love you, you know? I have for a while,”

“Why? What do you see in me? What could I possibly have to attract you? I’m not—“

“Don’t say it. Don’t say ‘I’m not like other girls’, because everyone’s different. You make me want to be a better man, you make me excited for each new day. Nobody can compare to you,”

“I can’t.. I’m sorry, I can’t trust you. I’ve— I’ve been made fun of for too long, I want to trust you, I want to love you, I want to be with you, but I don’t know if my heart can take another one,”

“Another— what?”

“It’s a long story, I don’t want to bore you,”

“Baby, I’m not going anywhere,” he nuzzles your cheek, more tears spilling out as your chest tightens with love.

You decided to explain to him what happened in the past and how you trusted Hinata. Bokuto brought you to your room and made you some tea, brought a bottle of water, and also made you a snack. The thought of eating made you feel sick, but a pouty buff man had you slowly nibbling on the piece of toast. You hadn’t eaten since dinner the previous day, so you wanted to inhale it, but you didn’t think you could stomach it.

After explaining everything to Bokuto, you tried to laugh it off, saying it wasn’t a big deal, but he refused to accept that. A quick call to Hinata to let him know you were okay and that Bokuto would be taking a day off was the next step, letting Bokuto stay with you for the rest of the day. He didn’t want to leave you alone, the fear of almost losing you still making his heart race in a bad way. Even as you just scrolled through InstaGram on your phone, he worried if he left you’d go back to the dark headspace. He couldn’t stop it, but he figured he could prevent it.

The first thing to change your mood is get you in the shower.

When he bounced back into your room, you looked at him from your position. You looked exhausted, the toast only half eaten but the glass was empty. Bokuto shook his head and clicked his tongue. “You need to refresh yourself. Time to take a shower!”

“What are you, my dad? If you want me to do it then make me,” You muttered, snuggling back under the covers. Bokuto closed his eyes and sighed, trying to not say anything sexual.

“I will throw you over my shoulder and into the bathroom. Don’t underestimate me, [Y/N],” the bed dips as he sits on the edge. “I’ll strip you down and wash you if I have to,”

“Why are you so forceful? Damn,” you made it sound like a bad thing, but you were smiling. “Fine, I’ll shower. You don’t gotta wash me, I’m not a baby,”

“But you’re my baby?” He sounded so confused, you freezing half out of the bed. Clearing your throat, you continued.

“Uh, sure. Are you planning on leaving soon? Or..”

“Nope! I’m staying over. I’ll change the sheets while you shower, too!”

“Oh, okay,” you say, numbly getting up to get clothes. With the lack of clean clothes, you have a few shirts and some pajama pants, but your stomach twists as you realize why they’re clean. They don’t fit as nicely as the other clothes, so you face two options: reuse the hoodie you’re wearing or face the humiliation of putting on a tight shirt. Thinking of the restriction, you decide the hoodie would be best. A large pair of pajama pants and a pair of panties is all you take, but Bokuto notices the lack of clothes.

“Are you just changing your pants? You’re showering, right?” Hes rifling through his bag, planning on changing out his practice clothes while you’re in the shower. He doesn’t want to get your clean sheets dirty, after all.

“Um, I’m out of shirts, so.. I’ll just reuse the hoodie,” you shrug, not seeing a problem. His eyes light up as he holds a finger up, digging through his bag once more. Apparently, Hinata dropped it off while you were taking a nap, all that crying had exhausted you. Bokuto smiles brightly as he pulls out his own hoodie, the black hoodie with the golden MSBY brand and the Black Jackal claws. “I don’t think—“

“I’ve been dreaming of you in my hoodie for some time, so this is a perfect opportunity! I’d prefer you to wear this,”

“Uh, I’m pretty big, Bokuto. I don’t think it’ll fit, if I’m being honest,” you look down at the ground, the disgust from earlier rising in your chest. Bokuto just tilts his head to the side.

“I think it’ll fit. It’s pretty big on me, so it’ll fit. If it doesn’t, let me know. I’ll get you something else,” he just shrugs, holding out the hoodie. His name is on the back and in a way, it feels like he’s marking his territory. You take it, thanking him as you head towards the bathroom. If it didn’t fit, you didn’t know what you’d do.

When you finished washing up, you put on the clothes. As big as Bokuto was, you still didn’t expect the hoodie to fit. When it slid on easily, you were highly surprised, but also it took you a moment to collect yourself. Seeing you in his hoodie was something out of your wildest dreams, him even telling you he’s fantasized about it making your body hotter than it should be. You had to calm yourself down before exiting the bathroom, entering the bedroom to see him lying on the bed in sweatpants. That’s it.

“Where the hell are your clothes?!” You cover your face, spreading your fingers a bit to see him stand up excitedly.

“You look so good in my hoodie!” He hugged you tightly, lifting you up a bit.

“Don’t pick me up, put on a shirt!” The only thing separating your skin from his was the hoodie which, well, wasn’t very thick. The zipper itself was as high as it could go but still felt too low.

“Why? Don’t I look good? Are you uncomfortable?”

“Yes, you look good and I’m uncomfortable. This is just a weird situation,” you try to explain... as if you had a shred of dignity left. The laptop propped open with the opening of your favorite movie caught your attention. “Are you gonna watch a movie?”

“We’re gonna watch it! To make you feel better, of course!” He seemed so proud of himself, standing with his fists on his hips as he smiled. You shook your head, rolling your eyes.

“Okay, then. Do you want snacks?”

“Snacks?!”

After getting snacks for the movie, to which he fed you some while you fed him, you ended up falling asleep as you watched the movie. It was nice and warm under the covers and Bokuto’s body heat right next to you helped to lull you to sleep. He didn’t seem to notice you falling asleep until your head hit his shoulder, eyes closed as you peacefully slept. After pressing a kiss to your forehead, he closed to laptop and got comfortable under the sheets. The worry of him losing you was still there, but he kept his arms around you tightly in case it was a dream. Like you, he hoped it wasn’t.

Waking up wasn’t that bad, an urge to quench your dry throat a common thing to wake up to. What wasn’t common, however, was the thing poking your butt. Now fully awake, you tried to shoot up in bed to see what was going on but Bokuto’s arms held you down. It was then you realized what was poking you. Attempting to get his arms off of you was a hard feat, trying to squeeze out of the grip when he moaned. You froze and looked at his face, still asleep. Attempting to move again, he let out another one. It didn’t take a genius to figure it out.

He was having a wet dream. In your bed. Beside you.

Your immediate thought was who? Your next thought was me? You dismissed that idea, rolling your eyes as if that could happen. Well, until your name came past his lips. You were surprised to hear it, even if he showed and attempted to prove his feelings for you. Him dreaming of you subconsciously? It gave you confidence.

Enough confidence to wake him up and let him continue his dream in reality? No.

But, you didn’t think you’d have another dark episode anytime soon. He didn’t seem to relent his grip on your body, so you dealt with it, staring at the wall in the dark as he continued his noises. Well, at least until he bucked his hips. You gasped as he did, him waking up to your noise. “You ‘kay? Somethin’ wrong?”

Wide eyes looked at him, before glancing down and flickering back up. He follows your eyes and his face goes red. It’s hard to tell in the dark, but the moonlight coming in from the uncovered window illuminates enough. “I am so sorry, I’ll le—“

“Why?” You can’t stop yourself from asking, immediately smacking your forehead. He’s a bit confused from your actions, but you continue. “Um, I’d, uh- I’d like to know what you dreaming about.” Confidence? Yeah, right. You’re practically shaking from the fear of his answer. Of course, it was your name but you could’ve heard wrong, right? Yeah, you—

“My boner speaks for itself, doesn’t it?” Does he have shame? You just look at him so exasperated as he just stares at you, not too sure what you were expecting. “Or do you not know?”

“I— Okay. Was it me?”

“Who... who else would it be?”

“Oh, okay. Why?” You’re both so confused, you not understanding the appeal while he’s not understanding why it’s so weird. Or confusing.

“Why not? I’m in the bed with my girlfriend, longtime crush, who I find extremely attractive? Is this too much? Is it wrong for me to, um, wanna do that? Or dream about it?” No shame!

“I’m still having problems seeing things from your perspective, but okay. Still cannot see the appealing side of me, so it’s just... it’s weird for me to actually realize you like that. You actually,” you gulp, “like me,”

“I’ll say it as many times as I need to, [Y/N]. You’re perfect in my eyes. I want you to see that in your eyes, too,”

“I cannot, if ever, do that. Sorry,” you just shrug, going back to lay down. It isn’t long until he’s straddling you. “What are you doing?”

“I want to make you see things how I do. You gave me this,” he gestured to the bulge in his sweatpants. Looking at it too long scares you, the size scaring you more. “I want you,”

“Oh my god, I’m being dead serious now: you are not gonna like what you see. I’m not attractive, Bo,”

“Let me be the judge of that, hm?” It’s the only thing he says, but you hesitantly nod. He smiles and as much as you want to enjoy it, you’re still shaking. You have no idea what’s coming next, you don’t know what he’s gonna do once he sees what’s underneath and it scares you. So badly. His hands go underneath your—his hoodie, running over your skin. “If you’re scared, I can stop. I don’t want to push you into anything,”

“It��s not that, I just can’t see what you see. But I want to. I want to see myself in your eyes, if you can do that,”

“All you gotta do is give me a signal if you want me to stop. I’ll try my best but you’re gonna have to relax, baby,” he has no idea what his words are doing to you. You just nod as he smiles, leaning down to kiss your forehead. He isn’t rough and excited, but rather gentle and soothing. Hands running under the hoodie eventually go up to the zipper, slowly pulling it down. It’s a small thing, but you notice his eyes flickering to your face for any sign of distress. Evening your breathing, you let him completely pull the zipper down as your skin is completely bare to him. You hide your face in shame, ready to apologize and have a million excuses lined up, but he doesn’t let that happen when he starts licking your chest.

“Oh!” Your hands thread through his hair, softer than you expected as it barely brushes against your skin. His eyes are still on you, your fingers moving his strands away so he could clearly see you and you, him. The way his predatory gaze latches onto your face has heat pooling between your legs, rubbing them together to create some kind of friction. Keeping his tongue connected to your skin, his eyes on yours, he moves onto one of your breasts. Popping your nipple into his mouth, he swirls the perked nipple in his mouth as his hand tweaks your other nipple. You’re panting, your head is thrown back as he continues. Soon enough, just rolling your nipples in between his fingers is not enough.

Gathering spit in his mouth, he lets it dribble onto your skin. It’s warm and slick, when he smears it across your other breast as goes back to tweaking your nipples. You look down at what he’s doing only to find him grinning devilishly at you. He then goes down to your stomach, biting into the flesh there. “Bokuto!”

“What? I just wanna taste you,” he shrugs, before licking the area he bit. He has a lot of spit, too, sucking into your flesh and leaving behind a bite mark and his saliva. It’s.. kind of gross, but hot. When he comes back up to your face, he pushes his lips against yours so forcefully that you’re reeling back, mouth opening as he slips his tongue in. It’s a deep, passionate kiss as he runs his hands over your body, squeezing anything he can as he slips his fingers into your pants. “May I?”

“Of course.” Once he has the okay, he moves back down, occasionally leaving love bites as he does. Pulling down your pants, he finds himself face to face with your damp panties. You don’t have time to get embarrassed, however, when he sticks his nose into your crotch and licks the fabric. “What is up with you and licking?” You giggle, finding humor in it. He just pops back up, shrugging. You giggle again, throwing your head back in the pillows. He goes to pull down your panties, sliding them down your legs until they’re completely off. Except for his hoodie, you’re completely naked.

Now if only you could have his cum in you, then would his wet dream be complete. However, there was one more thing he’s always wanted to try, but he’s worried you’ll be against it. “Babe?”

“Is something wrong?”

“No! No! Nothing’s wrong!” He hates how your mind immediately goes negative. Your shoulders relax and your wide eyes slowly lessen as you realize nothing wrong, yet. “Um, can you sit on my face?”

“Bokuto, I don’t-“

“C’mon, please? I’ve always wanted to try it! Especially between them delicious thick thighs of yours,” he then licked his lips with a resounding moan. Although embarrassed, you roll your eyes.

“If I’m too heavy, let me know. I’ll— I’ll get off,” you prop yourself up on your hands, feeling his spit ooze down your body. “You have a lot of spit. Reminds me of how much you sweat,”

“I produce a lot of liquids, y’know?” If it wasn’t for his wiggling eyebrows as he widely grins, you would not know he meant it to be sexual.

“Lay down!”

“Yes, ma’am,” he excitedly gets on his back, his bulge much more prominent than before now that it’s just there. You can see it. You’re still hesitant, but eventually move to straddle his face. He helps you, easily maneuvering your dripping cunt over his mouth. With his strong hands, he forces you down on top of him to the point where your legs can’t keep you up. You attempt to get up, afraid you’re crushing him but he keeps you firmly planted on his face.

A growl erupts from his throat when he gets tired of your squirming, you halting your movements as you try to calm down. His thumbs run over the skin of your thighs to try and soothe you. And it works. You’re feeling lightheaded as he sucks and licks your cunt and probably makes it messier than it is. He brushes his teeth over your clit, sending shivers down your spine as you moan from the feeling. With a grin, you can tell, he gets to work on tongue fucking you as well as sucking on your clit. It isn’t long until your fingernails are digging into his abdomen as you let out a high moan as you come undone on his face. He moans himself, using his thick tongue to gather up every ounce you produced. He also makes a loud slurping noise as he cleans it up.

You move off of him, panting as you look at him. He looks absolutely blissed out, like he saw Nirvana and Heaven all at once. You smile at him, his own smile wide and proud. He immediately gets up, pushing hips lips against yours once more as he licks the corners of your mouth. He is quickly moving to pull down his sweatpants and boxers, but hesitates. “You sure you want this?”

“You aren’t allowed to stop now,” you giggle as he glows, pulling down his pants. Your eyes go wide as you realize how big he actually is. The bulge in his pants was nothing. It is scary, you wondering if it’ll fit.

“Everything okay? Do you— Do you not want it?” He sounds so sad, you immediately coo at him, forgetting the third leg he has.

“No, no, no baby! It’s just— you’re very big. I did not expect that. Just be gentle, yeah?”

“Of course!” Another kiss to your lips, this one more of a peck than a passionate open mouthed kiss. “Can you get on your hands and knees?” You listen to him, rolling over on your stomach before getting in position. This way, you don’t have to worry about seeing him and can focus on what he’s doing, so it’s better in a way. Really, Bokuto just wants to end the night with you on your back and he plans on having you shaking from multiple orgasms before it’s over. He guides his cock to your entrance, a shaky breath leave him as his tip brushes against your folds. You shiver yourself, feeling yourself about to cry, but you wait.

Once he pushes into you, the tears come out for a different reason. “I’m sorry, it’ll feel better in a moment,” he licks your cheek, nuzzling you. You nod as you try to relax, him continuing to push into you. It isn’t until he nudged against your cervix does he stop. Even then, he is still not completely in you. He focuses on evening his breathing, inhaling your shampooed hair. It’s hard to not blow his load so quickly, you squeezing him so tightly. You’re nice and snug, though, your walls eventually relaxing as he stays inside.

“You can— you can move, Bo,”

“Fuck yeah,” he grunts, pulling out only to roughly thrust into you. You lurch forward from the thrust, immediately dropping your mouth open to moan as he sets a steady pace. It’s not fast or slow, but he’s definitely rough with his thrusts. It’s the grunts that really do you in, the way his hands grab at your ass and hips, sounds of pleasure coming from his as sinks his cock into your cunt that has you tightening around him. With a mewl, you have another orgasm and he curses, a low “shit” coming out as he struggles to pull out. He leans down to put his mouth next to your ear, biting the shell as he continues. He doesn’t even break a sweat as he does, stilling himself deep inside you as he lets out a low groan, your eyes scrunch together as you whimper. His cum fills you up to the brim, his hips swiveling to make sure he’s all done.

Well, for that round.

You’re panting heavily as he leaves you, leaning back as he watches your legs shake. His cum oozes out of you, your cunt clenching as it makes more pour out. It’s a beautiful reality, but he wants more. You’re soon flipped onto your back as he is over you again, his hands on the back of your knees, pushing them up. It’s not uncomfortable, but it’s not a very comfortable position, either. Confusion is etched in your face as he does, but his lidded eyes as he licks his lips tell you he’s not done. You’re exhausted, but he’s not.

He wastes no time in sinking himself back into you, his eyes focused on your face as you moan. His grin is almost evil, the way his lips stretch as he bottoms out inside you before roughly thrusting into you. It didn’t take long for another orgasm to start to buildup in you, your head thrown back as your back arches, your head turned to the side as he leans down to lick and bite your collarbone, sinking his teeth into the soft flesh. His hands find yours, intertwining his fingers with yours as he brings them up to your head. You focus on the way his arms flex, the muscles bulging with each thrusts as he puts every ounce of effort into the action. It really shows to how much he loves you and your body.

Even with all the marks on your body, even with all the places he’s touched and licked, that gnawing thought of you worrying nags him. The thought that you’ll still not know just how much he loves you. The thought that you’ll think it was a one time thing. He needs to know you know. He needs to know you’re seeing things in his perspective now. One hand leaves yours, it finding itself around your throat.

“Say my name,” he grunts, alternating his gaze between your face and his cock disappearing inside you. It’s something he’ll never get over. Maybe next time, he can record you two.

“B-Bo—“

“No, my given name. I want you to scream it,” his grip on your neck gets tighter, your walls tightening at the same time. He groans as he throws his head back, his thrusts slowing down as he drags his cock against your walls. “I want your neighbors to know who’s fucking you,”

“You, Kōtarō!” You loudly moan, humming in pleasure as he picks up the pace.

“Who’s making you feel this good? Who does your little cunt belong to?”

“God, you! It belongs to Kōtarō!” You scream, your eyes rolling back as his hands go back to under your knees, pushing them up to your chest. It’s hard to breathe, but you’re clamping down on his cock as a sheen of white forms around it, your slick dripping down your ass and down his balls. The last urge he needed to fuck you like an animal was that, you screaming his name. Your ands wrap around his neck, the material of his jacket rubbing against his thick neck as your nails take down his back. Hissing, he fucks you faster and harder, determination set to get you to one more orgasm. It doesn’t take long, your mouth hanging open as you come undone for one last time, him burying himself as far as he can as he spills another load into you. It’s heavy and fulfilling, but it’s wonderful. A wonderful feeling of being loved.

As you both come down from your highs, he gives you another sloppy kiss. Instead of pulling out, he released your legs and lays on his side, taking you with him.

“Shouldn’t we clean up?”

“That can wait. I don’t wanna leave quite yet,” he pants out, another sloppy kiss. Like he can’t get enough.

Really though, he can’t. He loves you too much

#haikyuu x reader #bokuto x reader #Mr. Kōtarō #bokuto smut #BB.Kinky #BB.Angst #Bokuto.Angst #Bokuto.Spice #tw.alcohol #tw.suicide mention #tw.blood #cw.food #tw.fat shaming #cw.razors #body dysmorphia #body dysmorphic disorder #tw.overdose #haikyuu smut

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fallin-4-ya · 4 years ago

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The Follies and Vices of You

cedric diggory x reader- part v of series

based off the novel and film ‘Pride and Prejudice’ by Jane Austen

summary: Being the beloved sister of the incredibly wealthy Mr. Potter, you felt no need to rush into marriage. But one day, when you come to meet a new acquaintance, the proud Mr. Diggory, your views of love and follies change.

warnings: none! (gif is not mine, credit to owner!)

part i, part ii, part iii, part iv, part v

‘Maybe it’s that I find it hard to forgive the follies and vices of others, or their offenses against me. My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever.’ -Jane Austen

The snow melted and flowers began growing, winter gone and the world welcoming spring with open arms. The earth turned ever so slowly and the cold months of the year began to pass, while the months of summertime approached slowly.

You thought often about the words crossed between you and Mr. Diggory and reread his letter hundreds of times. You replayed every emotion in your memory and found solace in his warm eyes, unable to remove him from your thoughts. The feeling of guilt, anger and love resided deep with you, for you couldn’t tell which thought to be corresponding to him.

Miss Ginny, however may have been right about two things in her letter sent to you in the New Year. You had received a proposal form not only Mr. Diggory, but from Mr. Malfoy as well which you declined almost instantly. While the other being she would be home before the flowers bloomed, which excited you greatly.

You told no soul about the proposal or the letter sent from Mr. Diggory, not even Miss Ginny; for to remember the memories of the conversation was far too painful. You had not seen Mr. Diggory since, you were told he was to go back home for the summer months.

One morning at breakfast, your brother turned to you, ‘Y/N, I am to go across country with Mr. Ron Weasley next week for some business.’ You hummed softy, ‘How would you like to join us? I think some fresh air will do you good.’

You looked up at Harry with sweet eyes, ‘Oh Harry! Of course, how exciting that sounds! What a wonderful distraction from life this will be, as what are men compared to rocks and mountains!’

The following week you rode up country in the carriage with Harry and Mr. Ron Weasley. The trip was splendid so far, as you passed the blossoming trees and blooming flowers. It felt as the world was at peace. You turned your attention to your brother,

‘Harry, where are we anyway?’

‘Derbyshire, I believe.’

‘Harry,’ Interjected Mr. Weasley, ‘Is that not the home of Mr. Diggory?’

‘Yes, Ron, I do believe it is!’ replied your brother, ‘Shall we pay our old friend a visit?’

‘Oh lets not!’ you quickly spurred out, ‘He um- Well he’s so rich. I do prefer not to.’

‘And what are we my dear sister!’ Harry shakes his head in amusement, ‘Nonsense, we shall go see our business partner. I thought you would love to meet an old acquaintance, Y/N.’

With that you slumped down into your seat, dreading the visitation of Mr. Diggory.

When you all had finally arrived to his estate you could not help but to smile to yourself, because it was more beautiful than you could ever imagine. You graciously made you way up the grand staircase up to the front doors. The doors opened and you were met face to face with Mr. Diggory, a meeting you had thought so long about. His eyes were still warm and you saw a smile that you hadn’t quite seen there before

‘Mr. Diggory.’ You bowed at his, returning the smile.

‘Miss Y/N, what a most pleasant surprise!’ He took your hand, greeting you properly. He then turned you your brother and Mr. Weasley, welcoming them to his home.

Soon you all sat in his parlor, conversation coming easily; all the while Mr. Diggory turned to you. ’Miss Y/N, would you do me the honor of perhaps playing the pianoforte. It’s been such a long while since music was played in my home.’

You nodded and walked up to the pianoforte, then began playing it graciously. The men once again became absorbed in conversation as you went into your own little world with your playing. It felt like hours had passed as you played; however, you were brought out of your piano trace with a presence stood above you. Without looking up or stopping your fingers you said,

‘You mean to frighten me, Mr. Diggory, coming in all your state to listen to me. But I shan’t be alarmed even if your family does play so well.’

He laughed, ‘Oh, Miss Potter, I know well that I cannot frighten you even if I were to wish it.’

You looked into his brown eyes, as if you were seeing their richness for the very first time. You saw the man behind the wall, a man ruined by tragedy and grief; a man numbed by the betrayal of friends and the loss of a most beloved sister. for how tragic life can be, as you knew that all too well. And perhaps Mr. Diggory was right, just because one has pride, we have no right to be prejudice towards the; especially when one’s character is severely misunderstood.

You stood quickly identifying your feelings, becoming very uneasy. You apologized and walked out of the room; for what you felt, you could not bear.

For the rest of the trip you pondered over your likeness of Mr. Diggory. You spend your nights lying awake solely thinking about him, he danced in your mind as a distance memory, something that was always just out of reach. And returning home did not fix your heartbreak, but rather made it worse. The feelings which you felt were buried very deep within your insides, for you could not handle the recollection of the emptiness you felt without him.

Month passed, and seasons changed. The end of summer came quickly. Your restlessness came to no avail, spending most nights walking the grounds of the estate. There your thoughts could not disturb you.

One night walking, you saw dawn soon approaching; but there was something else also steadily approaching you.

Mr. Diggory.

He headed onwards staright towards you, both of you dressed only in night clothes. Mr. Diggory came to you steadily with shaky hands.

‘Mr. Diggory! How- why?’

‘I could not sleep, Miss. Y/N. I think only of you and knew I had to come see you again, only to ask one more time.’

He paused looking at you, exhaling deeply. You nodded and gazed into his loving eyes.

‘Miss. Y/N, if your feelings have remined the same since last winter, please tell me so at once. My affections towards you have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. However, if your feelings have changed,’ he paused slowly, ‘I wish to tell you that you have bewitched me body and soul and I love- I love you. And I never wish to be parted from you from this day forth.’

‘It’s always been you, Mr. Diggory.’ You stared longingly at him, ‘For I cannot express the moment it stared; but that once I realized, I was only in the middle and far too deep to turn back. So, if you will take me as I am, I am yours.’

He took your hands in his, drawing them in slowly and planting a kiss onto each knuckle. Stars in his eyes and angels in yours, it was like this moment had been envisioned a hundred times in your head but never had the courage of playing itself out. Now, instead of dancing alone in his memories, you danced in each other’s, together.

For the first time you felt like you were home, and you loved him, and he loved you. And after all, how much more could you ask for.

(authors note: Ahh! its finally here! the last chapter of this series, but not to worry there will be an epilogue! if you came this far, thank you so much, i really enjoyed writing this series and I hope you enjoyed reading it! much love <333)

tag list: @freddieweasleyswife @truly-insatiable @annasdani @mullthingsoverinthehotwater

#Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #cedric diggory #cedric diggory x reader #cedric diggory x you #Ron Weasley #ginny weasley #Draco Malfoy #draco malfoy x reader #pride and predujice #jane austen #sirius black

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beanfic · 5 years ago

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Summertime Sadness - Ch. 20

Word count: 1995

Warnings: Fluff and Smut

Author’s note: This chapter hurt to reread and edit, but I hope you enjoy it! Second to last chapter :)

Song Suggestions: Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey (like just put it on repeat, do it. now.)

“You look gorgeous,” your Mom whispered as she stuck her head in your room. You smiled as you inspected yourself in the stand-up mirror in front of you. You were wearing a red summer dress that had a deep v neck and ended right above your knees, black high heels, and a diamond necklace. You had curled your hair was a faint purple and put half of it up in a clean bun.

“Thanks, Mom.” You walked over to her and gave her a hug. You could feel her hand rub your back.

“I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m right here for you.”

“I just can’t believe tonight is my last night with him.”

“Just until December,” she pulled a curl that was hanging by your face and you watched it bounce from your side profile. Your purple was almost faded, and your hair now being able to be long enough to put the top half up. “Your hair looks like a beauty queen’s hair.”

“That’s kind of the look I was going for,” you grabbed your purse and checked your phone. Josh had texted you five minutes ago that he was on his way to pick you up. You had to work during the day, cutting your very last day of summer with Josh short.

“Where are you guys going for dinner?” your mom asked.

“I’m not sure,” you shrugged. “He said he has the whole night planned out as a surprise.”

“Well, I hope you have fun, enjoy yourself and be safe.” She kissed the top of your head.

“I will be Mom, thank you.” You headed downstairs and waited outside for Josh to pick you up. You saw the familiar headlights of Josh’s jeep speeding down your street. He got out of the Jeep quickly and walked around the car.

Your mouth dropped when you got a good glimpse of him. He was wearing nice black shorts and a nice white button up t-shirt. He looked nice, like really nice. He had shaved because his stubble was no longer there, and his blue hair was styled up and back.

“You look gorgeous, Y/L/N,” he wrapped your body up in his arms and he dipped you down like in the movies, making you let out a little squeal.

“Don’t drop me!” He lifted you back up, planting a kiss on your lips. “You look handsome too, Dun.”

“Ready for dinner?” He walked over to his Jeep and opened up the passenger door for you. You nodded and hopped in, smoothing out your dress so it wouldn’t get wrinkled.

“Where are we going?” you asked while Josh headed out of your neighborhood and getting on the freeway.

“Just wait and see.”

The car ride wasn’t too long, and he pulled up to this building that had lights on it. The sign read Martini Modern Italian. Also known as one of the fanciest Italian restaurants in Columbus, Ohio.

“Josh! This place is so expensive.” You placed your hand over your mouth as you gasped. “How can you afford this?”

“Regional At Best is doing way better than we were expecting, and I wanted to treat you.” His eyes creased when he smiled, and again your stomach fluttered. You started to think of how he was moving tomorrow, but you tried to push the thought away because you wanted to enjoy the night.

Josh grabbed your hand and walked inside to the Hostess at the front. “Reservation?” She asked in a high pitched voice.

“Yes, two for Dun.” He gave your hand a little squeeze.

“Right this way!” You followed the hostess to a little booth in a corner. There was a candle in the middle of the table and rose petals all over the table cloth.

“Josh this is amazing,” you whispered in awe as you looked around. You had never been in such a fancy restaurant before.

“Only the best for you.” You couldn’t help but blush at his kind words. You both talked about the album until the waiter showed up and took your orders.

“I’ll get a glass of Chardonnay, and an order of the Chicken Carbonara.” Josh handed the waiter his menu, and then it was your turn.

“May I please just have a glass of water, and I’ll order the Shrimp Marinara.” You handed her the menu with a smile.

“Just water, huh?” Josh chuckled.

“I’m only eighteen.”

“And I’m only 23.”

“You’re old,” you giggled.

“And you’re a baby. My baby,” he teased back.

“Ew, don’t ever call me that again.” You did a gagging motion making Josh burst out in laughter. Your meals came, and you had to take a picture of the fancy plates before digging in. The food was delicious, and you didn’t want it to stop but soon your stomach felt tight in your dress.

“I’m so full,” you groaned, rubbing your stomach.

“Me too!” Josh pushed his plate forward and leaned back. He paid the bill, which he didn’t let you see but you were guessing it was probably really expensive.

“Back to the car!” he pointed his finger forward and started marching, which made you hide your face with embarrassment.

“Can you not march in the middle of a prestigious restaurant,” you mumbled. “Where are we going anyway?”

“It’s a surprise, but it’s a long car ride.”

“Mount Jeez?” you raised an eyebrow as Josh opened the passenger door.

He groaned, “How did you guess?”

“It’s night time, and where else would we drive far too? We’re obviously going stargazing on the top of Mount Jeez!”

“You’re too smart.”

Josh got in the car and started it, and you sat back in your seat. It was only around 8pm, so the sun was just starting to set but it was a solid 80 degrees out. One of the warmest nights you have seen in Ohio in August.

Josh blared the Fun. album, making it a tradition when you head up to the lookout.

You kicked off your heels and layed further in the seat. You rolled down the window and let the wind blow your curls back. Josh held your left hand tight, and he rubbed your hand.

The hour and a half drive went by quickly, and before you knew it Josh was driving up onto the lookout. He kept his car running and hopped out. You unbuckled with confusion and got out too.

Josh held his hand out to you, “May I have this dance?” he said with a smirk. You nodded and grabbed his hand. He pulled you close and you wrapped your arms around his neck. Your heels were still off, so you were shorter.

The music mixed with the sound of the telephone wires sizzling above you and your body swayed with Josh’s. He would spin you around, and both of you would laugh. You leaned your body close to his, your body buzzing. He made you feel electric.

“You’re the best,” he whispered as you slowly rocked back and forth. You looked up at him and kissed him, passionately.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I don’t want to leave either.”

“I think I’m going to miss you forever,” your eyes started to well up with tears. “You know, this summer was filled with tears and sadness.”

“I’m so sorry, Y/N. Next summer will be better, I promise.”

“Next summer?” you looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Yes, Y/N, I don’t plan on letting you go ever even if I am living across the country.”

“Thank you, Josh, thank you,” you sobbed into his shirt letting your emotions consume you. After a few minutes, you pulled away and wiped your eyes. Josh walked to his Jeep and turned it off, grabbing blankets to put on the ground.

“The sun is almost gone,” he said. The sky was starting to light up with the stars and moon. You laid down next to Josh while he rubbed your arm.

“Kiss me, Josh,” you whispered. You wanted him to kiss you hard, one last night before he goes. Josh planted his lips on yours and you grabbed at his hair desperately. You weren’t usually the one to be so forward, but you knew what you wanted.

You pulled yourself up so you were sitting on Josh’s body and you continued to kiss him. You then grabbed his shoulders and rolled over so he was on top of you. He didn’t let his full body weight down though, so you didn’t get crushed.

“Off,” you whispered in between a kiss as you fumbled with his shirt buttons. Josh got the clue and took it off and you started to shimmy out of your dress.

“Are you sure, Y/N?” Josh asked, knowing where this was leading to.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Out here?”

“Yes.”

“You want to lose your virginity the day I leave across the country?”

“Joshua! Don’t kill the mood. I said I get to decide, and I want to. Now.” You grabbed his face and pulled him back down, and you rolled back on top of him.

You were expecting to be nervous, especially being out in public, but you felt invincible as if nothing could ever scare you again. You pulled off Josh’s shorts and left him in his woven boxers. You felt Josh struggling with your bra strap so you helped him out.

The next thirty minutes of foreplay was soft and gentle as compared to before. Every touch and every lick was made with love, making sure the other was feeling pleasured and safe.

“You ready?” Josh asked, kneeling in front of you. You laid on your back naked, coming down from a climax.

“Yes,” you nodded and bit your lip and Josh moved closer to you. You couldn't believe that you were going to lose your virginity, right here, but it all felt so right. You stared into Josh’s chocolate brown eyes as he slowly pushed into you.

“Oh my god,” you blurted out. It hurt. Bad. Way more than you were expecting.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to stop?” Josh looked at you with worry in his face.

You shook your head and clenched your mouth, “No, go slow.” Josh did exactly that. His moves were slow, and you were able to stretch out and become used to his size. The pain turned into pleasure fast, and you couldn’t keep your moans inside as you felt things you had never felt before.

You kept your eyes closed for most of the time, but at one point you opened them and the look of Josh made you almost tear up. He looked vulnerable, yet strong. The moon shined down on his naked skin, making it appear luminescent, and his eyes were closed as he focused on the pleasure you both were feeling.

You reached up and grabbed his shoulders to bring his body down to yours so you could kiss him. You tangled your hands in his hair, and moans filled the air.

“Josh,” you whispered as you could feel him finish. He pulled out and laid next to you, staring into your eyes. You both had sweat dripping down each other's faces, and your hearts were racing.

“Thank you for letting me be your first time,” he spoke softly as he caressed your cheek with his thumb.

“Thank you for being my first time,” you smiled. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything,” he wrapped his arms around your waist.

“You know I said I think I might have been falling in love?”

“Yeah?”

“I definitely fell in love,” you placed a soft kiss on Josh’s swollen lips. “I love you so much, Joshua Dun.”

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tag list: @takenvysleep @ohprettyweeper @oncemorewithfeelingg @gaiatheroyalrabbit @svintsandghosts @addictwithaheavydirtycheetah @patdsinner33 @breadbinishigh @demonsdontcontrolus

#josh dun x reader #twenty one pilots x reader #josh x reader #josh dun #twenty one pilots #josh dun fanfiction #josh dun smut #josh dun fanfic #twenty one pilots fanfiction #twenty one pilots imagine #twenty one pilots fanfic #tøp fanfic #tøp fanfiction #summertime sadness #beanfic

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queerlyglittering · 5 years ago

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LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN E X T R E M E L Y LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then. Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun.

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again! 🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep.

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault.

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.

#personal #letter boy #letter boy update #long post #ignore me #so anyway that's like.... the last 6 months almost lmao #all the ups and the downs #this has been over a week in the writing and i'm sorry #i got lazy with updating the dates throughout the post

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im-basically-logan · 7 years ago

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Happy Density Day!

haha get it cuz the formula for density looks like a heart. I still dont know how to title things. Analogical V-Day fic anybody? (quick note- sorry if the pacing is sorta weird??? idk how story writing works. personally my favorite part is the last few paragraphs lmao)

Summary: Logan wants to give Virgil a poem for Valentine’s Day, but wants to make it as perfect as possible. Either way, Virgil loves it. Words: 2,796 Ship: Analogical, Royality (tho, it’s only briefly mentioned and analogical is the focus) TW: Kissing, sleeping at bad hours, uh... Patton tackles Roman playfully at one point Please send me an ask/message if I need to add a trigger. Genre: Fluff!!

@riverbendover @nokatai-realm @crowsketches @living-on-the-virge

It was about 3 days before Valentine’s Day and as much as Logan would usually show nonchalance or distaste towards the holiday, he’s been Virgil’s boyfriend for 8 months now. He wasn’t going to brush off their first Valentine’s Day. He was going to make the perfect card for his Virgil even if it meant he didn’t get any sleep that week. Well, that was an exaggeration and Virgil would probably ask as to why Logan’s sleep schedule had suddenly done a 180. But nonetheless, Logan was going to make a nice little card.

Logan started out with printer paper as a planning stage, wondering what to actually put in the card. He went through scribbled out drawings, minimalistic pictures, telling Virgil how beautiful he was, and finally settled on writing a poem. He was good at those. Usually.

His trash can in his room began filling with balled up clumps of paper which were drafts that he deemed not good enough.

“Clothes are dark as space, but eyes as bright as the stars. I hope-- No.” Logan mumbled the poem out loud to himself, then crumpled up the paper, threw it to the side, and started anew. The side of his hand was turning gray from being left-handed and the graphite of the pencil he was using. “I cannot describe to you how much I love you. It was a revelation when I had discovered my feelings for you. Like when Newton discovered gravity. It was fundamental to understanding life as you are fundamental to me understanding emotions…” He tapped the pencil against his head quickly, trying to think. It sounded… Like something. It wasn’t too bad, but he decided to trash and rewrite it again. It was probably just fine, but Logan was a perfectionist.

He began writing a bit more before deciding to create the decorations on the light purple construction paper he found for the actual card. He had the equation 128√e980 written along over the spine while the card was flattened. The equation was supposed to be read while the card was closed and turned a certain way, and it would read “I love you” from being folded in half. He found the little trick while looking up ways to say I love you to a partner. In pen he neatly wrote inside the cover of the card the beginning to his poem to Virgil. The beginning was the only thing he was happy with at the moment, but he would add more later. He checked his watch and read 11:30 pm. He sighed, put his materials away and went to bed. Although made sure to put the card neatly into the drawer of his desk. It was only 2 days before Valentine’s Day and he barely had anything! He wanted to keep working on it, but also sleeping was important and he and the others were working on getting a full night’s rest. Besides, Virgil would badger him in the morning about it and he couldn’t have his boyfriend find his surprise.

Logan went through the next day rather smoothly: Nice comebacks to Roman, reminding Thomas of important events, and of course a few nice kisses with Virgil in the middle of it all. Patton always grinned if he caught them and Roman always teased them until Logan mentioned it was almost Valentine’s Day.

“We are allowed to have physical affection, especially around this time of year, correct?” Logan asked Roman, raising a brow with a pouting expression.

“Well I suppose so, but… You two are such nerds!” Roman responded weakly, unable to come up with a witty reply. Patton butted in, putting his arm around Roman’s shoulders.

“Now, don’t be mean, Roman. It’s your time of the year, isn’t it? Valentine’s Day! A day of Roman-ce.” Patton laughed and Virgil, who was leaning slightly against Logan, snickered. Logan sighed with a very small hint of a smile while Roman rolled his eyes with a laugh. He exited with Patton, most likely about to go on an adventure or brainstorm. Logan, although, had a pit in his stomach as he was constantly reminded Valentine’s Day was just around the corner.

Such terrible planning on my end… He thought, biting the inside of his mouth before kissing Virgil on the head as they went to do their own separate things for now. He sank out and went to his room, relieved to find it just as it was when he left it. He hadn’t taken out his trash yet, but he assumed Virgil wouldn’t go digging through it at least and see the drafts. Checking his watch, which read 8:30 pm, Logan pulled out the drawer and took out the card. He drew a little density equation on the back, coloring in the little heart that the symbols for mass over volume created. He then opened the card back up, rereading the beginning of the poem he kept from a draft.

“I don’t believe I’ll be able to explain my love towards you. Like how it is a mystery as to the true way the universe was created despite the many theories. How the chances of us existing together may have been smaller than a quark, But we managed to exist and come together.” Logan sat down at his desk and began writing a bit more, once again mumbling the words to himself as he wrote. “Your mind can be as far away as a galaxy,

but I’d travel the light years.

You’re a fundamental element in my life, Like gravity to planets and stars.” He bit the bottom of his lip, unable to think of anything else to add. “I can’t even write a simple poem…” He murmured to himself, dropping his pencil. He kept his head up with his left hand, trying to think. There wasn’t any specific pattern or rhyme to the poem. It was purely just him rambling about how great Virgil is in metaphors about space and science. Would Virgil even enjoy that? He created a small, curvy border with a blue pen on the inside of the card, but cringed as he looked back to the unfinished poem. Then he put another line. “I am and always will be unable to express how much I care for you.” It was true, but the poem felt too short and he barely had an idea on how to end it. He wrote on the other half of the inside of the card “Happy Valentine’s Day, Virgil. Love, Logan”, drew a simplistic galaxy on the front, and went back to his previous position of laying his head atop his hand. Instead of coming up with any ideas, Logan somehow fell asleep on his hand. He took his nap for about 4 hours, waking up at the superb hour of around 1 am and his head ended up on the desk with his hand still upright. Great. Only 1 day until Valentine’s Day and he was barely done with his card. He dug his hands into his hair in frustration. It should have been easy to write a poem. But no it was going to be difficult and now he was tired as hell. He decided to create the blue borders on the outside of the card while waiting for the others to get up. After finishing the border, which did look rather nice, he put it back in the desk drawer and went to sleep in his bed this time. Although he didn’t fall asleep immediately. Of course not. He was thinking about what Virgil would think if he barely had anything to give. The poem was pretty choppy… he should rewrite it again. What if Virgil didn’t even want a card? Would chocolates have been better?

Luckily, Logan didn’t stay up late enough to question anymore as he crashed into sleep while thinking about Virgil. Said side must have felt Logan still being awake because he made his way into Logan’s room having woke up early himself. It was dark so he couldn’t see the trash can of the Valentine’s drafts but he could feel his way over to Logan’s bed and curled into his chest almost like a human-sized cat. Before going back to sleep, he kissed Logan’s cheek and put his head half on some pillow and half on the mattress with his head lying against the top of Logan’s chest. He didn’t mind sleeping like this, in fact if he was resting next to Logan on just a mattress he’d be content like that as well.

In the morning, the actual morning of about 7:45 am, Logan found a Virgil sleeping next to him. He sighed dreamily, then remembered that he still hadn’t thrown out his god damn drafts yet. Logan tried to move as subtly and quietly as possible to not wake Virgil. He eventually got out of bed and moved the plastic bin under his desk quickly as he heard Virgil shuffling on the bed. Then he went back over his bed, kissing Virgil’s forehead.

“Virge? C’mon, it’s almost 8 o’ clock,” Logan said, looking at his watch. Virgil was awake, but he kept his eyes closed as he replied,”I don’t wanna.”

“Patton’s making french toast.” “5 more minutes.”

“We both know that means 5 more hours, metaphorically and even literally at times.”

“Shush, nerd.” Virgil eventually opened his eyes and got up, his hair messy and partially standing. Logan smirked at the other’s appearance, holding out his hand for Virgil to take. So Virgil takes it gladly and they move on with the rest of their day.

Logan had barely any opportunities to work on his card but while there was a short lull he managed to write a few more lines. “You’re nothing short of breath taking. A star should be named after you. No, a galaxy.”

He stopped as he felt a presence in his room. It was Patton. Oh thank god. They both headed off to the commons to discuss with the other two about the big day tomorrow.

“What are you two doing?” Roman asked Virgil and Logan. They both shrugged, but Logan of course, had a small gift to finish.

“Why are you asking?” Virgil replied. “What are you doing, Princey?” Roman was about to respond when he was suddenly tackled by Patton on the couch, letting out a boisterous laugh.

“Well of course, romantic things! Anyways, I thought you’d both at least say something like spending time with each other.” He continued as Patton got off and sat next to him, a wide grin on his face.

“Well that’s a given, isn’t it?” That was Logan, who quirked a brow.

Virgil shrugged. “Sure. We can just chill out here since Romano and Patton are probably going to the fantasy realm or whatever.”

Logan nodded as Roman scoffed at the seemingly mundane idea. He said it was such a boring thing to do on Valentine’s Day, but Virgil didn’t mind.

They all went off to do their jobs and then night time came around again.

Logan was rushing through his notes after playing a game of 52 pickup with his slang vocab cards which he foolishly dropped while hurrying back to his room. He closed his binder with satisfaction after looking at the schedule, putting it away in a separate drawer from the card, which he took back out of its hiding place. He was clueless as to what to add. It had barely any stanzas. Logan tapped his pencil against the table, making a fast paced clicking noise.

“Ughhh!” The logical facet sighed, his mind totally blank. “I should have gotten more hours of sleep.” He looked at his watch: 10:40 pm. He could still finish it by tomorrow. Logan, although, was holding his head up with his forearms, consciousness blinking on and off. He decided, if anything, to add just one more line he could think of. Everything else was decorated and he could finish it after taking a quick nap. He wrote it down slowly due to fatigue, but still tried his best to make it look neat.

“I love--”

Then somehow passed out while writing with a pen. Though, Thomas used to do that at times so was it really that surprising? He was out cold for a while and even slept past 8 am.

“Logan?” Virgil called, noticing Logan’s absence in the morning from the commons. Then Virgil finally found his boyfriend’s head resting on his desk with a nicely decorated card next to his right arm. He noticed the still full trash can of paper and then picked up the card. He didn’t read the inside yet, wanting to see the other things first. He noticed the equation “I love you” message first and chuckled at such a nerdy detail. Then he found the density formula on the back and smirked. How had he been so blessed as to have had such a caring nerd in his life?

Virgil finally opened the card to see the partially unfinished poem on the left flap and a nicely written closing on the right. He saw his name, so this must’ve been for him.

“I guess he didn’t finish…” Virgil concluded out loud to himself, but he really wanted to read the poem. Logan had written him previous poems and he absolutely loved them. So he read it aloud, mumbling the words under his breath.

but I’d travel the light years. You’re a fundamental element in my life, Like gravity to planets and stars. I am and always will be unable to express how much I care for you. You’re nothing short of breathtaking. A star should be named after you. No a nebula. I love…”

Logan had woken up as Virgil was reading the second to last stanza, although wasn’t completely aware of his surroundings yet.

“Morning, dear,” Logan greeted with a yawn, adjusting his glasses and hair as much as he could. He was calm and tired until he saw what Virgil had in his hand and then he was fully awake in an instant.

“I… did you read that?” Virgil nodded slowly, hoping the logical facet wasn’t upset. They sat in silence for a few moments before Virgil, surprisingly, broke the silence.

“Um… I really liked it, actually. Really.” He gave a genuine smile, moving to plant a kiss on Logan’s messy hair.

“Really?” “Yes, I did.” “It’s not even finished or--” Logan almost tripped over his own feet trying to sit up from the chair. It was way too early for this. (It was almost 1 pm).

Virgil laughed as Logan struggled to stand up and move, eventually falling onto his bed face first before slowly turning himself around and sitting up. Virgil made his way over to the bed too with much less stumbling, sitting down next to Logan.

“I assume this-” Virgil pointed at the word “love” at the end of the poem. “-is supposed to say ‘I love you’, right?”

Logan looked at Virgil deliriously for a few seconds before practically diving forward and kissing him. Virgil almost let go of the card, but held on and melted into the kiss, smiling as he did so. Then they both fell backwards onto the bed in suppressed giggles.

“I’ve never seen you this giddy,” Virgil commented teasingly.

Logan pointed an index finger straight up as in an objection. “In my defense, I’m very tired.” They both broke into laughter again. After a few minutes of Logan waking up, he had Virgil give him the card to finish writing out “you” and then gave it back.

“I love it, Logan.” He looked at the now fully visible trash can of drafts. “Man… I wish I made something.”

“It’s okay Virgil, you yourself are enough,” Logan replied, pecking Virgil on the forehead who look assured enough for now.

They eventually made their way downstairs, Virgil still latching onto the card, and had their first Valentine’s Day. It consisted of Virgil constantly complimenting Logan’s card and poem, making him blush, and Logan constantly saying how amazing Virgil is, making him blush as well. They cuddled on the couch and watched a few documentaries about space and other oddities.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, dear.” Logan presses a kiss to Virgil’s lips for the millionth time today.

Virgil smiles into it and responds,”Happy Valentine’s Day, nerd.”

#sander sides #analogical #logan sanders #virgil sanders #royality but not rlly #patton sanders #roman sanders #sander sides fic #valentines day #kissing #analogical fluff #my fic #lo rambles

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real-good-now · 6 years ago

Text

Letters to Juliet: Chapter 3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Summary: Betty Cooper dreamed of falling in love. She once thought it would be with the red-headed boy next door until he met the mysterious brunette in the pearl necklace.So, when she begins to receive anonymous love letters, she turns to the only person she knows who is not grossly in lust: her childhood best friend, Jughead Jones.

Chapter begins below the cut

“So, first things, first. What is the evidence we have collected so far?” Jug asks, getting down to business as soon as I enter the office.

I set down my bag on my desk and pull out the letter and the gardenia I placed in my textbook to press. “So far It is just these two letters and this beautiful flower.”

“The second one is new. What do you think of it?”

I begin to respond but then decide to brush off the question. “Doesn’t matter what I think. I can’t even think about my feelings until I find out who this person is.” I pick up my trusty highlighter and purple pen that I use to edit Jug’s articles and start rereading the second letter once again. When I reach the last paragraph, I say, “This guy obviously has to have known me for a long time. That eliminates anyone new to the school…”

“Great, we can eliminate Veronica. Now we have it narrowed down to the entire male student body!”

“Look, Jughead,” I snap, “I asked for your help, not your sarcasm! Now, focus. I return my eyes to the letter but I can feel his gaze linger on me. “I didn’t mean to bite your head off. I’m sorry. I just really need to find out who this is, Juggie. Please?”

“Why does this mean so much to you, Betts? He obviously doesn’t want you to know its him. Can’t you leave it alone?”

“I don’t know why. I just have to. No one has ever really felt this way about me before. I want… I need to know if it is genuine, that he actually cares and this isn’t just… Veronica trying to cheer me up or a dumb cheer initiation prank masterminded by Cheryl. That’s why you are here. You’re my best friend but you are also one of the most honest people I know. I need you to tell me this isn’t some elaborate scheme, that this seems legitimate.”

He pulls up a chair next to me and envelopes my hands in his. When he brings them up to his lips and places a gentle kiss on them, I am momentarily stunned to silence and a rush of warmth rushes through my body. He tilts my chin up so our eyes can meet and whispers, “You are amazing, Betty Cooper. You’re like Nancy Drew meets Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You deserve love. You are too fantastic to be with anyone who treats you less than a princess.”

I am speechless. What can you say to that? Those are the most beautiful, romantic words that any person has ever said to me. I don’t do it consciously, but gravity seems to pull our faces closer— so close I can feel his breath skate over my face. I see him glance down at my lips. Just a little closer and—

Knock. Knock.

I spring out of my chair just in time to see the smiling face of Trev Brown round the corner. “Hey, Betty! I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?” He then seems to spot Jughead and, as a second thought, adds, “Oh, hi, Jughead.”

I take a look down at Jug only to see him staring down at his shoes. He only spares a second to half-heartedly wave at Trev before he storms out of the room.

“Is he okay? Did I interrupt something?”

I look after Jughead for a moment, still reeling from our… whatever it was, before I respond. “What? Oh, no. No. I think he’ll be fine. Anyway, what did you need?”

“Well, I was hoping I could ask you on a date, actually. Just you and me, maybe a movie, a round of milkshakes at Pop’s…”

For the second time in an hour, I feel the wind knocked out of me in shock. He’s asking me out? Me? We have known each other since pre-school and not once have I ever had an suspicion that he liked me as friends, much less romantically. We’ve talked in passing during student council functions, but never more than a few words here or there. I would’ve never guessed…

However, it seems that my mouth can process the information faster than my head can, because I hear myself say, “Sure.”

“Cool! Yeah!” He answers, his timid smile growing to a full-blown grin.

I hear him ramble on about times he is free and “I’ll text you later”, yet all I can think about Is what Jughead will think.

I am at cheer practice hours later when Cheryl announces that we will be here much longer than she originally thought.

“You bitches are a lot less capable than I gave you credit for. My mistake. Take a five minute break while I call Toni to tell her I have cancel our date because some people don’t understand their front handsprings from their hurkies!”

I collapse onto the ground, my muscles exhausted from basing far too many stunts than I ever want to. “V, can you pass me my phone in the front packet of my bag? I have to tell my mom I won’t be home in time to make the cupcakes for her book club tonight.”

“Sure, B. Oh you have a—“

I look up at her pause and see her staring intently at my phone, a look of shock or horror on her face. Which one, I’m not so sure.

“Elizabeth I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Cooper, what is this text from a Mr. Trev Brown?” She begins to read the message in a voice that is supposed to be male, but sounds more Terminator than Trev. “Hey, Betty! Just wanted to know if next Friday at six is okay for our date? Blushy smiley face! Betty! Why is this gentleman inquiring of your plans on Friday night and sending you flushing emoticons? What are you not telling me!”

She plops down on the floor next to me. I make to grab my phone but she moves it out of my reach before I can grab it and raises her eye brows at me.

“Its nothing, I promise. I was in the Blue and Gold office this morning when he came in and asked me out.”

“Oh my God! B! I didn’t even know you liked him. Good for you! I told you things would look up soon.” She pulls me up by my shoulders and gives me a big hug.

Cheryl’s commanding voice booms across the gym. “ENOUGH AFFECTION! The only times you ladies are allowed to look happy is when you are smiling through the intense pain and adrenaline coursing through your veins in the midst of the mind-blowing routine. Which is anything but mind-blowing right now! Back to work!”

Veronica helps me stand up and says, “We are not done talking about this, Ms. Cooper! I am calling Kevin and talking this out before we meet the guys at Pop’s tonight!”

In my bedroom, I sit at my vanity while Veronica does my makeup and Kevin looks through my closet to find an outfit for my date.

“Kev, I love and appreciate you for doing this, but my date is still a week away! That is plenty of time!”

“Oh, my dear, sweet Betty. This is not just any date. This is your first date. Why are you acting so blasé about this?” He kneels in front of me and V halts her war on my eyebrows.

I take a deep breath before thinking about it. Because he is right. I should probably be more excited about this. But something is keeping me from celebrating this thing that, just a few days ago, I was longing for.

But I don’t answer.

“Betty, if you aren’t really into him, maybe it’s not the best idea for you to go out on your first date with him? There is still time to back out, no shame,” Veronica hedges.

“I don’t want to cancel it. I had to have said yes for a reason. Whats the harm in one date, right?”

Then it hits me.

The letters. The flower.

I want him.

I want the guy who has been sweeping me off my feet. I want the one who writes me the sweet nothings and makes even my extra-curricular hell sound romantic. What if that guy is Trev? What if he has been writing the letters and has changed his mind about his anonymity? And this date is his way of telling me?

This date suddenly just got more interesting.

I must remain silent for too long because Kevin and Veronica have changed the subject to their own love lives.

“So I bought Archie’s anniversary gift yesterday and, I have to say, it is perfect!”

My curiosity piqued, I ask, “What did you decide to get him?”

She reaches into her purse and pulls out what looks like a ring box. When she opens the box, I see two small guitar pick-shaped silver pieces, each engraved with an “A”. “I was talking to his dad a couple weeks ago and he was saying that they have a wedding to go to soon, some friend of the family, and I asked if Archie had a pair of cufflinks. He said no, so I called a friend of Daddy’s to have these custom-made! Aren’t they the cutest?”

“Veronica, he will adore them! They are perfect!” Exclaims Kevin, stealing the box so he can examine them a little more closely.

Wait, his dad? “I thought you asked for Jughead’s help with the gift?”

“Jughead,” she scoffs “why would I need Jughead’s help? That boy is as inept with gift-giving as he is with his own damn emotions!” Kevin nods along in agreement.

“But he said that he was talking to you the other day because he needed your help with Archie’s gift?”

She seems to think for a moment before it dawns on her and she hurries to come up with an answer. “Oh, yeah, that. Right! I needed him to hide the gift somewhere Archie wouldn’t find it, but then I realized I could just put it in my purse.” She turns and nervously digs through her bag.

Its clear that this is not even close to the truth, but I know better than to try and get a secret out of Veronica Lodge. Its like her mind has a high-security vault that has a code only a select few know.

Instead, we leave for Pop’s.

When we walk into the diner, I look around and see Archie and Jughead in our signature booth. It is clear they are in mid-conversation, Archie laughing and Jughead…is he blushing? God only knows what that is about. I start to head over, but Pop calls me over to his position behind the register.

“I’ll meet you guys at the table, just give me a minute. Make sure Juggie doesn’t drink my shake before I get there!”

Before I can ask, Pop hands me a letter. It is just like the others. A plain white envelope with To my Beloved on the front.

He seems to read my mind because I can’t even get the question out before he says, “I don’t know who its from. The fella was long gone before I got back from the kitchen. It was just this and a post-it note that told me to give it to you.”

I rip it open, starving for the next installment in this saga.

_______________________

To my Juliet,

You are so much more powerful than any celestial body.

I like to think I have at least a basic understanding of astronomy. I know how a star is born, and how it dies. I know that the sun will some day consume the Earth in a fiery inferno like no life has ever seen. I know that we all orbit that very sun.

 But I have a new theory, something much more profound and ground breaking than Galileo or Newton.

I orbit you.

You have a gravitational pull that is so effortless, yet so strong, that I am powerless to resist it.

I am helpless, and I am not so sure that I want to be helped.

With each passing moment, I feel my body falling out of my own control and taking the path that you have determined for it, whether you are aware of it or not.

I cannot stop loving you, Betty Cooper, and I am not sure that I want to.

Always and forever yours, Your Romeo.

So chapter three is up! I was on vacation the past few days and I literally started writing this chapter on one of those free note pads that the hotels give you. >_<. I hope you guys like it. What could possibly be next for these two? You know what they say, one step forward, two steps back...

Thank you for all of your positivity!I hope this one lives up to the last two. Please, let me know if you like it and what you may want to see next!

#bughead #bughead fanfiction #riverdale #riverdale fanfiction #letters to juliet fanfic #Forevereverdeen

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