#mhm she doesnt really has surname so

[bnbc]

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[isaacathom]

why the fuck all these sorcerers old maes of rothbarts, huh. and whythe fuck do they always turn her into a swan. like, ok, clavius or w/e the fuck from the second movie gets a pass because it was odettes idea (and, again, i love odette, so im all for it. and it was a good plan). zelda has no excuse. did she not know about this. why would you turn her into a BIRD. WHO CAN /FLY/. why not like... a fucking turtle or smth. slow as fuck. stck in a cave in a mountain. she cant do shit. or is it that odettes just got that swan magic shit stuck on her from rothbart so its just swans all the way down. since i GUESS zelda and clavius are both weaker than rothbart, which makes them weird villains actually. like why would i give a shit about rothbarts apprentice if the one time derek met rothbart he killed him after like, idk, a 5 minute fight? yea derek nearly died but thats an average sunday for him. thats how it is. shot him once he died. this isnt complex.

also on the revive thing. that was why i didnt like the third movie. if we say the first one is ‘good’ (certainly not a bad childrens film, obvs). the second movie does enough new that its not just a retread. odette turning into a swan by her own choice, despite the risks, and her saving derek, and her not dying (tho jean bob did, which i did not remember happening, but ok). and it showed a development in the relationship. and encouraged ol dere-boy to appreciate his wife and mother sometimes. thats good. happy for the guy.

then you cut to movie three and dereks just lying to his wife despite the fact she has VERY REASONABLE objections to keeping dark magic shit lying around, given that she straight up died because of it once. she’s in the right here. derek is noble, perhaps, but an absolute idiot. then odette gets captured again, fuck me, then she gets rescued, again, and then instantly gets fucking killed by a fireball. well i mean fuck i guess. then she comes back even though she defintiely straight up died. in movie 1 you can wiggle the timing of it, held her last breath outta the power of love or whatever, but swan!odette got struck by a fireball and woulda crashed into the ground below, fucking her Right up. she straight up dead. so what the fuck gives. how the fuck is she back? which bitch is magic here. did derek fucking call upon dark magic to revive his wife? i have questions. also its just boring.

ok whats movie 4. christmas? THEIR FIRST CHRISTMAS???? youre telling me that the first three movies take place over the span of less than a year??? and season wise, probably like.. 6 months, tops? what the fuck? jesus. that paints derek in a bad fucking light, i tell ya. fucks him right up. god dammit derek. ‘chest with an r on it’ where did it come from? who put it there? ubertas castle isnt the same castle as the one derek has, since derek’s used to be rothbarts. that was a plot point. if i was gonna find some soul box of rothbarts, itd be in rothbarts old castle. so... why is it in ubertas? is my question? ok.

rothbart did you learn NOTHING from the first movie. stop turning her into a fucking swan. you fucking idiot what the fuck. god dammit. oh, so finally derek dies? took em 4 movies and 20 years. there we go. and is revived by the sprit of chr- oh my god. ok lets not worry about the christmas movie. whats the next one.

ok so i guess the reason she keeps going swan is because shes the Swan Princess. as like, an entity. she didnt become it because of rothbart, she was always it, like, spiritually? prophetically? ok. fine. shouldnt a stopped rothbart clipping her wings or whatever. and she is straight up magic? alright. fair. i buy that. it explains a lot. and the dark arts just straight up try to set her on fire? hardcore. but then you kill some random peasants instead. thats awkward.

ok honestly i think i just flat out dont understand what the 5th movie is about beyond like, prophecies, scullions (the fuck is a scullion? squirrels? ok. also the surname of an australian senator, how bout that) and like.... some shit. dunno what the fucks up with that but ok. we’ll just uh. leave that one. at least i didnt have to imagine odette and derek fucking because given how old i was when i watched the first movie im not sure i ever want to think about that (naturally now i have to. oh boy)

‘scully in ghost form’ ok we’ve gone off the rails here, i think. more fucking ghosts. but like, ghost animals. one who everyone can see? which sort of renders his death in the last film a bit moot, if he sticks around anyway. at least in the original three, people got REVIVED by like, Love or something. poor scully doesnt even get that. just has to be a ghost instead. far out.

oh piss off lads theyre like 12. no romance for the 12 year olds please.

‘uberta, still in love’ didnt uberta and rodgers confess in movie 4 or something. or did we all just sort of not deal with that. its not like they died or anything to wipe their memories. so why wouldnt they still be in love, is what im saying. im confused by this statement. oh my bad i skimmed, she fell in love with some other idiot. alright uberta. go for it i Guess. he’s probably some dark mage but alright dont worry about it.

‘count antonios submarine’ his what? his What? no straight up, his what? they have SUBMARINES????? but??? what?????? ? someone more up to date on swan princess lore, how does he have a submarine????? the tech level has been like, solid pre-victorian before this, right. like medieval english shit. where the fuck did he get a SUBMARINE. A SUBMARINE. what the fuck. ? like i know that the ‘reboot’ or 3d movies are kinda weird for the canon just in general but ? a submarine??? lads.

‘now called prince lucas’ it has not been adequately explained to me why this is. are these wikipedia pages written by children? im very confused. why would he be a prince. alise i get, she was adopted, but lucas still has parents. yea he was given up for adoption at some point, but he’s fine now. so. yknow. ? pardon. wouldnt just giving him a title like Lord or smth make more sense, narratively. like the whole thing earlier was that he felt about his status difference with alise (despite alise being an ex-peasant too? but thats fair) so wouldnt like, giving him a lord title or smth fit that without making No fucking sense. is there some other kingdom now? that he a prince of? wikipedia i need answers.

ok i saw the cover for the 8th movie and what the Fuck did they do to derek. no. my man. what the fuck.

something about that face is viscerally distressing to me. they havent put him on a over since movie 5, probably matching his uh. completely fucking irrelevance. but Oof. keep him off the cover, maybe. what the fuck. im wounded. also the fact yuri lowenthal voices reboot derek still fucks me up even though i have never heard him in the role. as you can tell. by me reading the wikipedia descriptions of all movies post original trilogy. oof.

so, Z’s huh. is that right. Z’s. ok so, first, Zorro. second, there is literally a character whose name starts with Z already part of the canon, that being Zelda from the third movie. she’s dead as fuck, but the track record here prevents nothing.

‘ghost rope’ mhm. ‘glass is the only thing that can hold a ghost’ i cant tell if this contradicts the ghost box from movie 4 or not but i feel like it does. i feel like everything i was just told about ghost mechanics contradicts the 4th movie in some way. then again the fucking rothbart box is just a ??? where did that come from. who put that there. did the fucking forbidden arts manifest it. lads? the box confuses me, still, and its been like 15 minutes since i read that page anyway, at LEAST.

so, ghost rope. and the Z’s are N’s. oh ok. cool.

ok again, the submarine. why is there a submarine. i cant handle that.

ok so what ive learnt is that the first two movies are probably the most cohesive, and at the stretch the first four are probably a decent set. basically, the first movie is fine, and you can watch any up until 4 with it still basically making sense (bar the FUcking Ghost Box???? what the fuck). decently cohesive on plot alone. the 3d jump for movie 4 is good reason to cut it out, but if you dont give a shit then thats fine, right.

everything after 4 is just a ??? ok.

a fucking submarine, REALLY