#mh placeholder tag

[fancifolium]

small placeholder pin till i get this stuff all sorted out and figure out how i wanna design this place!

tags:

🗡️.mh

🛡️.bg3

🔥.ffxvi

🥚.thedas

🐎.rdr

❤️🤍.pokemon

[taonsil]

mom: wait are you partially verbal or partially non-verbal does that mean ur default is to speak or to not speak ??

[datheetjoella]

Why do you tag your asks with i'm sorry i'm stupid. You are not. You're one of my favorite free! blog (mostly because we share the same love for MH). You're amazing and you're not stupid. Take care always. Also, MAKOHARU IN TOKYO!

It’s not just my asks, it’s all of my personal posts. The main reason behind it is that I was looking for a tag to file my own posts under so I could easily navigate my own blog for a while but I never knew what to use since “personal” and “my posts” is something that everyone uses so some other posts might get up in the mix. Then one time I got an ask or something in which I either made a mistake or said something dumb (I don’t remember what exactly it was) and then I tagged the post with “i’m sorry i’m stupid”. Then I got that light bulb moment and I searched for the tag “i’m sorry i’m stupid” and I saw that barely anyone ever says that so it was in that way the perfect tag for me to use. So until I found something better, “i’m sorry i’m stupid” was just placeholder but out of lack of anything better, it just stuck.

I get so many people sending me messages like this, telling me that I’m not stupid and I really appreciate all of your concern, but to be honest I don’t even think about it anymore. The meaning of words can change depending on how they’re used and I don’t even think twice about my own stupidity when I type “i’m sorry i’m stupid”, I barely even read it like that anymore. So thank you for your assurance, sweet Anon, but I don’t use it because I actually think I’m stupid; it’s just a tag.

But thank you so much for you’re kind words, I’m really glad you feel that way about me and my blog and I really appreciate it. I hope you have a lovely day! ^^

ALSO I’M DEAD I CAN’T HANDLE THEM THEY’RE TOO BEAUTIFUL I’M CRYING

[taonsil]

I cant imagine anyone would, but anyway please no reblog ! this is just all personal junk

aa so..I just wanted to ramble a bit about my 4am breakdown tag post some more. though it was a really bad night, I think reaching that point will in the long run have been a good thing n I'm just trying to figure it all out so I can learn from it the best I can. It was just several years worth of stuff finally reaching a peak. I got into exo around debut time, but pretty casually. it wasn't until wolf era that I decided to be 100% fulltime dedicated, and it came around because I'd been struggling so much with my gender ID and being ace. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts and basically tao turned up that one day with his leopard print shawl on and changed everything. everything seemed like it was going to be fine. he was so distant then, and he was just perfect and strong and wonderful and I got a leopard print phonecase and had my hair buzzed like his (and coincidentally I had a whole summer of amazing ace discussions with a friend due to tao ships, so that helped with that a lot). I was so so excited and motivated every single day, buying new clothes and new products because tao had made me confident in choosing a path

in 2013 my long-term plan was to use all of this happiness to transition, to get started in the career I wanted, to reach out and help other queer kids, to study hard, to get the therapy/treatment I needed for my anxiety/agoraphobia and then who knows !! maybe move out, travel to see my friends. I was doing a lot of art that involved customising and selling and hoped to go places with that. 2014 was the best year of my whole life

tao leaving, really it just coincided with work getting worse (n also with that meaning we couldn’t travel any more to see our friends or have breaks away at all). I'm always vague on the details of this but it involves being very close to someone who's mentally and emotionally abused me and another family member into therapy before, but..needs must and all. I can’t be out around them at all. it's always been hard and it just happened to start getting a lot worse at the same time. losing sutao was so hard for me, I'd never had a relationship like theirs in my life and it made me happy every single day. I really went out of my mind waiting for news on whether he was coming back (at the time we didn't even know if he'd continue to work at all :s). when he did..it was a loss and a gain, because seeing him in a new light was strange. he went from my hero to someone I wanted to protect and defend. he's genderfluid and nd and aro and instead of looking up to him as an inspiration he just felt close and I could see so many of my bad traits in him but they were good on him, and I got so stressed and anxious every single time he dug himself into deeper holes or I thought the traits I perceived in him were going to be disproved. the two years since he left I was pretty unwell, I lost a lot of time, I wanted to die again because everything was so bad and he was all I had and it was too overwhelming at times. I never wanted to talk about it because I didn't want to be That Crazy Fan, or for my ideas to be dismissed bc of it, or for it to reflect badly on him either. some of the arguments that started cropping up in fandom brought up long buried trauma and made me analyse it way more than I'd ever wanted to. I just gave up on myself. I don't remember a lot of it. breaking away from it at the start of this year was really, really hard, but once I had it was like I'd just woken up after two years and realised I'd done nothing towards the plans I'd made when I was 23

-not to mention that I had no idea I was autistic(+ whatever else. I cant even make one appointment to look into the other possibilities bc of work lmao) until last year. I've always been diagnosed with anxiety, told to grow up, told I'm special and sweet, promised that one day with the right help I'd be fine. college was really bad and I isolated myself after it ended, and then I had to start working with family anyway, so for years it just worked out ok that I only ever went places with family and that they'd speak for me. and again, the two years lost to wherever I was with tao I just didn't think about it, until I was told it's this. and that this is just how I am, and that I'll always mentally be 12 at worst 16 at best and unable to go a day by myself without An Adult helping me out, and I'll probably never be able to like something in moderation and I'll probably never even be able to order a drink for myself let alone try and start helping charities or being involved in communities how I'd wanted

all of this + the endless problems with work, being put down every day and given all these ridiculous thankless extra hours/days, coming out of that weird tao brain fog..I realised I wasted most of my 20s without achieving any of the things I'd set out to, and with obstacles that meant I probably never would, and it made me feel really pointless. at the start of the year I'd made a lot of creative plans, but the stress of everything just knocked it all out of me. I felt bitter and upset towards all of the subjects that motivated me to be creative, and through my writing and art I’ve always tried to help and cheer up other people, but I couldn’t even enjoy it myself. I've had writers block for so long, I hate it. last week was a weird mix of receiving a lot of lovely messages about being helpful and nice etc and feeling guilty over not being uplifted by it, extra days/hours with no thanks, being hit and called stupid..I just felt like everything was over. I'd lost everything that made me feel good about being myself, I had no outlets, I'd failed at all of the goals I'd set myself. I miss tao so much but worry I'll end up in a bad way again if I go back to him full time. I keep thinking over all the ridiculous things I said in college just because I’m me and realising why no one liked me and feeling bitter over again that no one diagnosed me sooner. and trying to continue on like this knowing it's not in my power to improve most of it made me feel how I did last night, like it was just the end. but;; I think getting all of that pain and upset out and realising it was because of a lot of things, not just a bad week/month really helped.

dndhj I dont rly feel refreshed yet I just feel like a slug from crying so much. but I did see a lot of sense in the articles I was reading about what to do after having a moment like that n rebuilding things and setting new goals seems good. worrying less about my follow count and if people will think badly of me and just posting silly happy meta feels like a good way to reconnect with the things I closed off from. there's nothing I can do about work and how that is, but liking myself more again will probably help me care less OK. ok. OTL

[taonsil]

I said this briefly in a tag post but I want a record of it too bc 🌷 that I was talking with a nd friend about how we lost confidence in our writing, and specifically writing people/human behaviour when we found out we were autistic. because suddenly we wondered how our characters and their behaviour read (eg I used to have a lot of pretty wild detailed au settings that I was really passionate about, and I felt I was pretty good at slice of life. soon as I was like ah so I'm an alien, I spent two whole weeks trying to write a paragraph of a character cooking. because what if Normal people don't cook in the way I would think to write it? how is this reading to Normal people? etc) so I was like jokingly complaining about tao, and how I'd had all this totally blind confidence and my writing had improved so much because I just Got It with tao and he was a joy to write and I was really motivated and inspired and just like, wow, writing!! --and then several years later we find out he's not-cis. he's a-spec. he's definitely nd, I'd say he's on the spectrum somewhere. I was writing so enthusiastically and confidently because I was writing what felt familiar, before I knew on either his or my part ! n like generally I refer to having a garbage brain, I..have been very depressed since I found out what's up with it and struggled to imagine the future being good and finding worth in myself n all that unhappy stuff n I said to friend that when it came to writing tao he'd just inexplicably appealed to me as being all glitter and sunshine and felt so incredibly Right. and they were like, well you're made of that too, so you instinctively knew n !!! this is?? the nicest thing? this is true? this amazing incredible wonderful person who inspired and motivated me and I couldn't stop writing about..it wasn't necessarily because I'd just found a muse, it was because Same. Same ! what do I have to be so sad about when I could only relate to him so well because Same :x