#messages to lism

[sweetdees-gf]

VENT!!

TW: Psychosis, (child) r*pe, m*rder, cannib*lism, p*rn

psychosis is really fucking scary. I thought I killed my cat and lizard. I thought I was dying. I thought my family had abandoned me and been replaced with special agents trying to send me to jail. I kept asking hospital staff “are you staying? will you stay with me?” because I thought my family had left me. i thought I was being filmed at all times. I thought my family was watching from cameras telling the nurses and patients what to do next in order to torture me. i thought my dna was being collected for evidence so I tried not to go to the bathroom or touch anything. I thought I was being accused of canib*lism, p***philia, r*pe, and m*rder. I thought my little brothers were being “played” by child actors. I thought I was being poisoned with rotten food. I thought all the nurses were trying to sleep with me. I thought all the male nurses were trying to physically restrain and hurt me. There was another psychotic patient there and I believed that I was communicating with him and that he was being punished in the same way I was. I thought I was on a movie or TV set and every one in the hospital was an actor being told to act like people from my life or characters from my favorite movies and shows to try and appeal to me to get information. I rejected visitation from my father because I believed he was the ringleader of it all and when he came around it meant I was being arrested. I thought I was being sent messages through music and tv. I thought certain programs were carefully curated to mimic my life and talk to me. I thought the books they were giving me were AI generated. I thought they were giving me child p*rn to read. I thought they were just finding the most racist shit possible and giving it to me. I thought everything in the books were metaphors for r*pe, beasti*lity, racism, or child r*pe. I thought everyone was in on it, everyone I’d ever met , my school, my family, I thought every moment of my life was leading up to them “catching” me.

[alittlextrathatway]

I just wanted to say I saw your post about LiSM and a bad comment but please trust and believe you should NOT let this get to you.

Nothing justifies a negative comment on your work and I'm sure it's disheartening but I PROMISE there is an audience for this fic. I was devastated by JS leaving and what it would mean for Brettsey but I love imagining this world where they are making it work and getting to see those trials and tribulations which you write so beautifully! It's the nuance that show can't give us due to timing and just JS not being around but you've turned that into an incredible fic that is entirely plausible and romantic as hell. There are so many opportunities for the Brettsiest of moments we'll never get on the show but we are so lucky to get in your fic instead!

I can't say I know what its like to be on the other end of it but I just wanted to say as a reader, truly, I've enjoyed this fic just as much as your season 8/9 fics or Cruel Something. As long as I get Brettsey together in any way, shape or form, I'm good! Anyways, this is all to say, write what makes YOU happy and trust there are readers for it, I certainly am one of them!! 🌟💛

HOW DID I MISS THIS? I feel SO INCREDIBLY BAD.

Your encouragement on LiSM makes me so emotional still! I really felt passionate about that fic. It was a labor of love during a time in my life where my comfort show was no longer a comfort. I needed to imagine Brettsey would get through it even if the show tries to make me believe otherwise. I am so glad other people enjoyed it and felt it was in character and cathartic.

My favorite thing about fanfic is being able to write the little moments that make a ship feel real. The domesticity Tv shows can rarely give us due to the formula or make up of the show is such lovely fodder for fanfic. The white space is my favorite space, lol.

LiSM had complicated timing fandom wise. A lot of people didn’t want to think about Kara exiting or Jesse never coming back but then some people like myself really wanted to live in a world where Sylvie wouldn’t have to choose between a career she loved and the man she loved. I wanted so badly to help her find a path that gave her everything she wanted.

I still hope the show does that for her. Whether she goes to Portland or Matt moves back to Chicago, or they go somewhere else all together, I hope she gets to be head over heels for her man, a mom to Julia, and a badass leader of medics for happily ever after.

It’s what she wants so, as Matt says, that’s exactly what she deserves.

And thank you so much for reading my fics and stopping by the askbox to offer me some encouraging words! It means the WORLD to me. The fact that you love LiSM as much as my works from the PEAK Brettsey era is extremely moving to me.

And omg you mentioned Cruel Sometimes. The way that fic became one of my personal ALL TIME faves to write shocked me, to be honest. It was supposed to be a quick Sylvie-in-Danger whump and then ended up becoming this exploration of the Brettsey-Darden family and the Brettsey-Stellaride friendships along with an HEA for Brettsey. It was a surprise to me as I plotted it out but I am incredibly proud of the outcome.

And thank you 🥹 you’re right. I should just write what makes me happy. If it makes me happy, hopefully it makes other people happy too.

Gosh, this was such a beautiful surprise to find in my messages even if I feel INCREDIBLY guilty for letting it sit for FAR TOO LONG.

(😭 PLEASE FORGIVE ME. YOU ARE THE SWEETEST.)

[ask--killianjones]

The sot was spewing flagrant disrespect for an officer of the King’s Navy.

I simply... invited him to reconsider his bile

❝ Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature? ❞

Is that your way of saying you refuse to be my second?

[lightinginwaterloo]

what’s up, everyone!

name’s ronnie, i’m 20 years old.

this is an independent rp account, used to promote my accounts and look for more people to write with. i will also be posting starters and such here!

feel free to interact anytime! looking for friends and partners.

i write for a lot of fandoms (universes), i‘ll put them right here.

multimuse and multiverse. multiship/singleship— oc & crossovers friendly.

i will write only with +18 writers. if you are a minor do not interact, please.

will do planned/unplanned ships, stories, groups and everything, i’m open to any plot.

i will NOT write inc*st, ped*philia, c*nnib*lism, n*crophilia, r*pe, b*stiality. i draw the line at that, so do not insist.

i’m in for every other kink that not include either of those written above.

might write NSFW but it’s not a necessary thing to me nor i’d want a whole plot based on it.

might not always answer immediately, please have patience and be kind. i will respect you too.

open to any kind of ship such as fxf, fxm, mxm, fxfxm, fxnb, etc etc.

roleplay in english and spanish. my first language is spanish so i’m not picky with grammar, although I like to keep mine as best as possible.

+8 years of experience in rp. i’m only new in tumblr.

any type of themes are okay for me. (i don’t mind dark themes). i do not have any triggers.

i write here and on discord! i’m not selective so feel free to message, tag or reply to me if you want to write anything! I swear I don’t bite!

Muses:

⏳loading. . .

[lunarfae714]

Scotlandia

Northbound train :: Murmuration express

the farther north, the greener the fields the higher the hills, the sheep multiplied & birthed forests, creeks, rivers abundant the marriage of water & mud.

baby lambs so pure they don’t know the future of the earth blissed to be present among castles of stone in a strong magic realm where old ways & new come together as one.

the farther north you go, the nicer people become, joab told me. the more layers you wear, the more layers you shed.

wildflowers are the color of the sun.

waves of godsend in this country after the deep moon, after a bluebell magic spell, drawing the medicine circle with sticks among the nettle, let’s call our ancestors with our smartphones.

the men next to me on the train speak of the masculine, how the coin Gods reign, unknowing these gods & technology will soon disappear then what will you value?

Spirit in everything~ forgiveness in exhales in their plastic waterbottles & chewing the skin of dead animals someone else killed.

yet-we ride the same train, on this earth together we can all bring what we offer Give, not collect We all breathe, drink water eat & poop plants want Love & calmness these threads sew us in the blanket of the Earth we, weavers of great mother tend to get caught up in webs of illusion.

folks mirror the sheep herds in cities of normalcy & expectations Isolation in the mind Light needed most where the shadow of repression is heavy on the bricks. why did I travel halfway cross the earth to do sexual work in a grey place? do these thoughts hold anything? is Love enough? for all the ways that we can Love– undefined.

Folks don’t travel far from home here & i appreciate the localism. For how can an outsider ever grasp or judge what’s going on within? appropriation nation.

Be, receive, give, spiral, honor the mystery, challenge the mind, Witness patterns of colonization, Hippies go to cheap once-indigenous places now morphed by the capitalism they ran away from. What is belonging Or separation What is respectful What is Advaita?

***

5.28

zombies of Aberdeen.

aberdeen, where i involuntarily practice boundary work with a too-wide-eyed hairfree polski. ale drunk at the mutt pub.

in a place without sunset or sunrise, i dance on cement at the devils hour under turquoise Sky~ i watch as zombies fall into the bed of the street in the shadows of the streetlamps, glitter stars on their shoulders, bare skin their frozen nightdress, working hard & drinking harder, the oil industry collapsed as do the people into traffic.

cat-calling eyes wander into the backs of the sockets where is the presence, juice, vitality? candycane vomit spews over granite that doesn’t age. how can we live so far from the Mother? in these dead boxes?

why not do what you Love? open the mind to possibility & the heart will follow instead of escape the reality built up, why not confront & transf take off your clothes take off your skin undress from yourself & do a little contact.

play your organs with your fingertips. when’s the last time you’ve really felt your spleen? i asked a stranger today what part of his internal landscape he doesn’t pay attention to, he couldn’t even give me an answer.

breathe into all the parts of your body, of your animal self. we are so deeply in them let’s get weird. you didn’t think this poem was going here. it’s here. you’re here. we’re all here.

we’re all just waffles waiting to be served.

*** the first of June: newfound appreciation in Aberdream.

waking from a fine dream (of pleasure & flight) to enter another (of pleasure & flight)

patterns like clockwork new patches sewed into the tapestry of moments of finding Love with Passion once i make plans to depart.

weaving cobwebs of connection among the torus of the earth, trying to not be entangled in the web of emotion.

What a dance~ of masculine & feminine at war with each other- follow through with Saturn’s Time & plans, or feel your way through Life? id forever be making Love. & there are so many ways to make Love. with the Earth, with each other, with the wisdom of living through the lens of curiosity & newness.

found freedom in motion~ the earth is a great big garden bed the more we dig & plant ourselves in dirt the more our truths become illuminated in the Sun.

Lovers are rich soul that help feed the roots of my watery soul.

But the topsoil is already deep inside me.

***

5.22 Mirrors. dirty beach oil town your environment Is you. Upward downward mobility Are we even moving?

5.8 London: five-minute poem in a Jewish neighborhood

Reflections on when someone asked,

are you playing monopoly? mono, poly, both? how do you like your coffee? Whipped– with the innards of a cow? are you drinking the blood of this moment? are you drinking for your blood to run faster? so your mind may follow? are you drinking to swim in the mud of thoughts & rainfall, of the changing Sky & birdcall, dont take it personally~ so many of us do when we don’t take it personally feel release recycle body a vessel for passing feeling Nothing will affect you, is that really how to live? Functional Nih-spirit-lism-words & feelings are they enough- are you playing monopoly?

***

the second of June

on a bus out of Norway, past forests & waters jacked-up prices & untouched people.

the officer of customs saw my pack & bit his knuckle– he wanted papers i didn’t have, thought i was freeloading, but apparently he was about to go on holiday, & let me in.

i bet he loves the power to decide someone’s fate. job description: must yell at others well to let out your personal crap. therapee.

i wonder the taste in his mouth.

Strangers offer bus tickets, places to crash, i find Gemini Jesus, Barefoot birthday in the bus hall we are still as people orbit us.

we speak of containers being like a flowerpot soil you can take with you i break my glass container then. it feels important, 

the water spills everywhere.

jesus left with his cake party gang of artists & kooks they go north the mountains, i go east to the lakes.

messages in each person i cross Tarot spreads foresee solitude studies, guides Bliss in community bubbles Living extremes to understand Emotional maturity.

I touch a strangers anxious chest and breathe with them, tell them words from my mouth that didn’t come from my mind. Streamed.

Release. Dolphin medicine of breath. I walk past homes, Orange and red to the sea. On a secret beach, a marina wirh my birthday inscribed in it. I crouch goddess pose over the sand Young dead jellyfish unfer my pussy. This one didn’t sting. a fish swimming through emotions of boundaries, dissolved, transformed.

In my dream last night Someone asked the difference Between transformation & transmutation.

5.12

The church bells ring midnight, in this place of obvious magic, quietness and grey in a way I haven’t appreciated before. I wandered into the forest & sang to the spirits in the cemetery on the hill, the taking in the cold wind like wine, up skirt & kissing my bare thighs in this fleeting moment of union with gaia & release. In the woods with loud birds & louder in their movement tree spirits, at the tower over the sea, dreaming with a mother & crone calamity above an alleyway, living the medicine wheel, the plants mirror the heavens, as do we

5.25 Aberdeen

When Life looks like Easy Street…

cloudless sky Scottish morning melting into Granite City seeing Love in everything, in love with Love itself,

from the way the bubble of dew kisses the blade of grass, bringing Water to Earth, rainbow illuminations by the Fire of the Sun, untouched by the soft wind of today.

masculine & feminine in the fractals of everything~ seen & unseen, tangible & formless, active & receptive. playing as One.

from the charges in an Adam, heads & tails, to the Sun & the Moon in their endless dance in circles they hold the Earth & give us structure in waking dream, nightdream.

Mmmm….

i love the simplicity in peoples’ lives here, so telling. just a few spices, grow the plants you savor in your mouth most, no excess, Controlled consumption.

cherry blossoms in Spring, bumbleberries in Summer, understanding the beauty in tended Earth is an extrordinary gift for Spirit.

Disoriented by the late, late sunset & rise before four reframe my mind to bicycle on the feminine side of the road.

Why am i here? i let the feminine take over yesterday, allowed Spirit to guide my fast feet, open to possibility, following signs like breadcrumbs. a not-so stranger led me, through trees that stood in the soil through the tension of the centuries, to where the river meets the sea.

I feel–Fully–In my watery soul, I am. where the rushing River meets the open Sea.

❤️

[alittlextrathatway]

I just wanted to say the latest chap of LiSM had me in actual tears! I'm not sure how people feel about canon/Oregan fic but I personally love it bc its such a peek into what could be. It feels more real in that sense? I could see this storyline happening (but your version is better than anything the show could do!) I felt every emotion in her convos with each character and the way you write them is so true! I never want it to end but I also can't wait for more! All the tears and kudos!!

Holy cow! I can’t believe I missed this!! Aprilash! Thank you so much! 🥺

I get down about this fic really easily cause I feel like I’m working harder on this than anything I’ve ever written for Brettsey and it just seems like the buzz and excitement people had for Cruel Sometimes or g/r/r or even YWIB isn’t there anymore.

I know fics about the LDR are touchy for some people but I would never give Brettsey a problem they can’t handle or ultimately take on together and I guess I just hoped people had enough faith in me as a writer to know that and take a chance on it.

But I understand wanting to forget 10x05 ever happened. It crushed me too. It’s just LiSM was and still is what I used as my therapy to get myself excited about Brettsey and CF again so this multichap is a little more personal to me than some of my others.

Thank you so much for reading and your message in my askbox made me REALLY happy on a low night even if you sent it a while ago and I missed it. 😬