#melyanwritings

[fallinfl0wers]

if you knew, you would understand. (you wouldn't).

fandom: genshin impact characters: xiao reader type: female summary: xiao has lost you far too many times. when the perfect opportunity is set up by fate, he doesn't let you go. genre: angst no comfort. warnings: yandere, non-consensual kissing (once). death (reader's. like many times, in different ways: crushed to death, falling to death, he has to kill you once, i don't think it's too graphic though...). notes: this is not very halloween-ish, and i don't think it's creepy? almost everything is written in xiao's pov, so it's kind of his descent into yandere-ness? but even then i'm not really sure if it's okay HAHAHA, please let me know if you think i missed something for the warnings and i'll add it asap!!! wordcount: 2905

The first time Xiao met you, he didn't think much about you. You were a human, like many others he'd seen through the ages. There wasn't anything outstanding about you; you were simply the youngest daughter of a family of farmers and there was nothing that made you stand out, in between the waves and waves of normal people, you were just another one.

This happened long, long ago; back when the powerful Conqueror of Demons wasn't the last standing Yaksha, at a time when the Archon War still hadn't come to an end anywhere, including what we know today as Liyue.

The first time Xiao fell in love with you, he could dub it as an accident.

You didn't catch his eye because you had unparalleled beauty (not to say you weren't beautiful to him, however, as far as he cared, aesthetics and beauty standards weren't something to spare a single thought. He has never been one to truly care about such things, perhaps out of his deeply rooted feeling of unworthiness and repulsiveness, he considered himself to be the last thing to have a right to judge someone's outer appearance). In fact, he didn't even know your name during the first four years his feelings for you started to bloom.

It was commonplace for humans to place food offerings for the Adepti, and although he wasn't fond of human food apart from very specific tea blends with a very specific amount of sweeteners, sometimes one of his siblings would convince him to at least be there with them when this happened. It was during one of those times that he first saw you, all on your own, arriving at the same time as he and his brother did. You couldn't have been older than twenty nor younger than sixteen- for the era that elapsed at the time you could be consider one of the luckiest people who got to live a long life, but Xiao looked into your eyes and all he could see was a soul far too young and innocent, like this was the first live you'd lived. Upon their appearance you, being the well-mannered, respectful woman you were raised to be, bowed deeply to them in greeting.

It mattered little to him, as he was busy blinking owlishly at the strange, fluttering sensation that ran through his chest. It didn't hurt, so it couldn't have been karmic debt. What was it, then?

Looking back, it was love at first sight. He knew not enough to come to this conclusion back then, but he, with a nod of acknowledgement, accepted the ceramic bowl with almond tofu you intended to give as an offering before leaving for your home. Absentmindedly, he picked up the eating utensils left with the bowl, and put a small piece of the sweet treat on his tongue. Immediately, his eyes widened in shock at the familiar texture and the amicable, welcoming sweet flavor of the dish; a replacement for sweet dreams, it was. A replacement, but a very good one.

Xiao showed his gratitude to you for introducing him to such a delightful dish, something that quelled the ache on his tongue and his need for a sweet dream without having to harm anyone, and the way you smiled at him while saying you were only doing what you had to made his heart take a leap.

Looking back, he should've known- it had been love at first sight. A sweet, innocent crush he would've nurtured and looked after had he been anyone but who he was at the time.

The first time he lost you, he hadn't been there to see the moment it happened.

An enemy attack, as those were common at the time. Just this time, it had been a strong enemy who attacked the settlement of Rex Lapis' domain.

Only after everything was said and done, a victory for the mighty god of contracts, was when he saw you within the casualties.

As humans and adepti lifted up rubble to try and find survivors, or to give a proper funeral to those who had fallen, he saw you.

His breath got stuck on his throat for a moment, and his heart clenched painfully at the sight of your body, broken and bloody, crushed underneath the rubble of a building and rocks, skin sickly pale, eyes unfocused and void of light.

That day, he learnt your name.

The first time Xiao lost you, you were twenty three, and you had been about to wed a man you knew since childhood.

At the time, Xiao didn't understand why that knowledge made his chest hurt more. Was he feeling sad because you didn't get to marry the one you loved?

No, if he looked back, it hurt more because now that he understood his feelings, he would've lost you anyway. Wed to some man he didn't know, when all he could do was catch sight of you from afar once every moon...

(Xiao wishes to say he would've rather had that, having you spend your life married to someone who wasn't him, loving someone who wasn't him, instead of having you dead. Once upon a time, he would've. But now...?)

The second time Xiao met you, he couldn't believe his eyes.

It was perhaps a hundred or two hundred years after your first death.

He saw you as one of the many refugees that arrived from the lands of a different god; a far cry from the regular, kind woman you were when he met you for the first time, yet, physically you were mostly the same, and so was your name and voice.

Unlike the first time, this time you reminded him of his darkest days, before he was taken in by Rex Lapis. Flighty, scared of everything, malnourished, with dark bags beneath your pretty eyes. And he knows, because he took the time to check on you, without your knowledge... he knows you had recurring nightmares about whatever horrors you faced out there.

(If Xiao fought harder and harder than he usually would when going against that god's soldiers, no one could get a reason as to why out of him.)

"...!! W-who... who are...?" Your trembling voice asked him back then. Xiao, without stepping forward, spoke: "If you awake to a knife at your throat, if monsters dig their claws into you, if death comes knocking at your door... call out my name. Adeptus Xiao. I will be here when you call."

You called his name.

Once. And only once.

You called him, but it was too late. You were too slow.

Xiao thought he was the one who came too late, when it was you who called him a second too late.

As if slipping through his fingers like grains of sand, you fell. Out of reach, to your death.

That was the second time he lost you.

The third time he met you, he swore to him self he wouldn't let you be hurt again. Perhaps it had been his involvement with you, however small it was, that had cursed you. So this third time, he was going to keep more distance between him and you, only protecting you from the shadows, sending whatever small blessing he could your way.

And it worked.

Until you turned around and smiled shyly, looking around.

"I know you're there... and I know you're the one who's been protecting me this whole time. I'm not scared of you. Just... thank you, whoever you are."

Xiao hadn't been able to resist back then.

He stepped out of the shadows, and allowed you to talk to him. You were brighter, and warmer, when up close. He didn't bother trying to hide the pink blush that spread on his cheeks, merely looking at you in awe as you giggled at his expression; gently beckoning him to accompany you on a walk.

He said nothing, most of the time; unsure of how to interact, unsure of what would be appropriate to say, and unsure of why he was thinking so hard about what to say. Maybe it was because of his love for you, that he wanted oh so badly to do the right thing. But the poor man knew nothing of the intricacies of a human's mind and heart, knew nothing of the courting rituals one was supposed to follow in order to show interest to the object of one's affections. So instead, he kept providing what little he could to you.

His protection.

Sometimes, he would pick up flowers on his way to visit you. Other times, he would bring bright pieces of shiny minerals he knew humans seemed to be fond of, and you always accepted gladly all his gifts. You always responded by smiling at him and placing your hand on his face, gently caressing his cheek, letting him nuzzle into your warmth momentarily.

This part of his routine was what he loved most. To be near you, to listen to you speaking, to be able to show you he cared, to be able to protect you, to share what little peace still remaining on his life he had with you.

But, fate has never been kind to him.

Soon, you start falling ill. You cough and cough, and you tell him it's okay, just a cold. But then your illness doesn't stop, and you're too weak to go out like you used to.

It is not fair, he thinks, you're still young, you shouldn't have to be bedridden like that.

And the third time Xiao lost you, he knew it had been his fault.

He stared in horror as you whrited in agony in your bed, holding onto you head, crying and screaming and trying to scratch something off yourself, surrounded by a heavy, dark energy he knew all too well that spread through your veins all along your body, unable to speak or think.

His karma. His fault.

As much as you moved and howled, you were already dead by the time he found you. This was just the remnants of what you used to be, soul corrupted and torn apart from inside out in consequence of his existence and involvement with you.

He puts an end to your suffering, feeling as though a part of him is dying when his spear pierces your chest, and silently, tears run down his cheeks, and unto your cold and still, dead body beneath him.

He's dizzy as he stares at the husk of what used to be you, mind numb and noisy all at the same time, his eyes unfocused and zeroed on the blood that spills from your wounds and then your empty eyes, eyes that used to look at him with adoration and love, staring into nothing. He can't hear anything as he cradles your cold body close to his, wishing he had never gotten involved with you, wishing he could've prevented this, wishing you were still alive and well, with him.

This is the third time Xiao has his heart broken and a piece of his sanity cracking.

And it is not the last.

Years pass and pass without mercy, and no matter where he goes, he finds you again or you find him yourself.

It's a vicious cicle of you being there, being your beautiful, so easy to love self, Xiao loving you a little too much, and being unable to save you from an untimely end be it at hands of others, of your own nature, of yourself or even he himself. Whether he keeps his distance or not, he could never do anything for you.

Not protecting you.

Not saving you.

Not having you.

And perhaps, that was what hurt the most.

Because Xiao, flawed and broken as he was, loves you. From your first life and even now that he's lost you once again, he's been in love with you and everything you represent in his mind that losing you every time makes his soul break just a little bit more.

Xiao desperately wanted to hold you tight.

He wanted to live with you.

He cursed at his own existence, blaming his karma for everything that happened to you.

Every time he met you again he kept on thinking about how different things would be if only he had been anyone else but himself.

If only he wasn't the dull, pathetic excuse of a weapon he was.

If only he could be stronger.

If only he could be human.

If he were human, maybe he wouldn't have doomed you to this cicle of endless violent deaths and rebirths.

If he were human, maybe he would've been able to properly love you and make you happy instead of cursing you for his attachment to you.

The last time Xiao meets you, he stares.

He hears that blond traveler call you by the name he knows by heart, and he sees you laugh with her and it's the sound of that pure laughter that always makes his heart flutter. He looks at you, and he knows it's you.

He briefly sees the traveler walking away after whispering something to you and pointing upwards, and he can hear his name in the wind.

"-guy named Xiao. Please hand it to him while I finish my commissions."

And once you're there, standing in front of him, holding a ceramic bowl with almond tofu, asking if he is 'this guy named Xiao' and telling him that 'Lumine was too busy but she would come later', his mind goes blank.

Because, unlike the past, when he'd only feel his heart fluttering and breaking at the sight of you, when he'd only find himself craving your presence and touch, this time, the ever present, pulsant agony of karmic binds was no more.

Dull. Silent. Gone.

Just because you were there, it disappeared.

Like you were cleansing his soul.

If his karma stops when you're around, that must mean something. It must mean this is a dream. And if it's not, then it must mean he can't harm you anymore.

But he's not the only reason why he's lost you in the past. Illnesses that could've been easily prevented, battlefields you should've never been present at, disgusting humans you should've never crossed paths with-- this world had taken you away far too many times for him to trust it with you.

You flinch, seeing how tears silently start falling down from the corners of his eyes. Yet, you can't bring yourself to be fully concerned for his wellbeing, not when his piercing gaze is staring at you, as if looking straight into your soul without any emotion being shown on his face or body language.

Shivers run down your spine, and Xiao doesn't see it.

No.

Xiao doesn't see you taking a step backwards, because he moves forward towards you with his mind reeling.

He's lost you far too many times.

This world has taken you away far too many times.

And if this time, by some miracle, you're immune to the harm his karma brings...

The only thing he can do, is take you away.

"W-wait... what are you--?" "I'm sorry." "What do you me---" "I won't lose you again. Not this time."

Before you can blink or scream or do anything, he's taken you somewhere you don't recognize.

It's a tiny room. Dark, and without windows. At least you think so, you can't see much before you're rapidly thrown down. Breath is knocked out of your lungs when he pushes you down against the floor, careful not to hit your head, holding you close and pressing his lips against you with desperation, tears dripping onto your skin as his inhuman strenght makes it impossible for you to fight back and you're scared, scared beyond belief, not knowing who this is, or what he wants or what he'll do-

But to Xiao, this is paradise.

Holding you close, kissing you, this is all he wants.

Perhaps to your relief, he doesn't wish (or perhaps, doesn't know it's possible) to go further than that, he just hugs you tightly, clinging onto you for dear life, frantically mumbling incoherencies about how this time it's going to be different, this time he'll take care of everything and won't let the world hurt you.

Xiao doesn't let go of you, even hearing the taquicardic rhythm of your heart and feeling your body shaking.

You're afraid of him.

But it's okay (it's not, please don't look at him like that, please stop shaking, please stop giving him that look please love him again)

You just don't know anything yet.

He'll tell you everything eventually.

Surely then, you'd understand.

Surely then, you'd understand and know he is the only one who can keep you safe, the only one who can make you happy.

Surely, once you know... you won't blame him.

Surely then, you'll smile at him again, and look at him with the same love you used to all those years ago.

Surely then... surely then... if he does this all, then surely...

...he can... keep you forever, this time... right...?

When Lumine goes up to the balcony, she feels unsettled at the sight of a broken ceramic bowl and spilt almond tofu on the floor.

She calls out Xiao's name in concern, and for the first time, he doesn't come.

No matter how many times she calls, he never comes.

fallinfl0wers. 2022.