#melbournewriter beyou

[findingselflove-blog1]

THE MAN ON THE FOOTHPATH

I remember first deciding it was time to get a job after moving interstate and of course I went large and wanted the city office job that I could commute to, because isn’t that the trendy thing to do? Regardless only a week in, I hated it, the best part about it was the fact i’d managed to enjoy a beautiful walk from my home along the river both ways and enjoy the happening of the city life as I passed through each day.  I always found my curiosity getting the better of me when I would walk past all the cafes along the main river hub seeing all the men in suits and ties sitting their discussing business while sipping espresso’s, the same groups powering through to get to the office and the fact that out of all the people I passed each and every day there was hardly any sense of expression – they were walking zombies.  I don’t question people ambitions, I’m all for living your best life because I know that’s the way I want to live my own, but a part of me saw a sense of fear in these people more so than success and I could never quite tap into why that was, I never engaged with these people on a personal level because they were rich and successful and wore fancy suits so where was I going to fit that ‘box’ when I was just strolling along wearing converse and jeans with my headphones in? personally I actually didn’t really give a fuck because even though I’d pass on my curiosity I was also expressing my smile and not one was hardly ever responded to and I thought to myself they are so focused on being the best, having the best and appearing financial and successful in their field when I could vouch my life on the fact majority don’t even really like the field they work in, but because money is good and we’ve been conditioned to think money is the be all end all to happiness and success they stay there, constantly seeking validation, approval and financial gain for what? I almost thought thinking this way was judgemental but then I also realized I have this outlook because I have been this person, chasing money in order to have a fulfilled and happy life only to constantly be exhausted and pissed off that I wasn’t living true to myself.

One day though right as I was about to pull the pin on my city job I wandered in for my last day and I noticed a homeless man sitting just in the middle of the footpath against a light post and he was drawing something I couldn’t quite see.  As I ventured closer I saw he had a pack of chalk and was just freely drawing images onto the concrete, much like I remember doing as a child, I was so captivated by this I had to stop and admire this man for a moment.  He wasn’t overly disheveled but or in a state of begging or appearing in pain, he was merely just expressing his creativity on a city walkway and even now whenever I am feeling hard done by or struggling with what I want to do with my life I just can never shake the image of this man from my mind and how much I admired his freedom and the fact he was just unapologetically doing what he does without question.

I know I have told this story probably 20 times in the space of just a couple of months and it keeps coming to me in times I feel I’m at a crossroads and I think the message is ringing something super loud and clear to me that I was meant to see this man that day, I was meant to see that in order to be creative and free to express yourself without judgement is simply by doing it, not waiting until you have a place, or people or a fancy suit and tie, just doing it, research a topic of interest, join a dance school, attend a cooking class, just start small with some chalk if you must but don’t let the expectation of society mold you into a box and close off that inner child creativity that buries deep inside all of us.  My favourite part of my week that just passed was the fact I had done a writing session and somehow ended up on the topic of hopscotch, ironically the next day I needed to take myself for a long walk as I do and would you believe there in the footpath was a hopscotch frame drawn on the sidewalk with chalk, and yes I hopped in and out about 3 times and couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

I have no idea what it is about me and chalk on the footpath but somehow this little girl comes to life and starts to have some fun, then I truly realize its this little girl who is seeking some love and nurture and sees it in these people and these things as a way of telling me, please can we just take the time to have some fun and play? It’s heartbreaking to push that voice down and believe that without the hard work of trying to become someone’s ideal perfect is the approach I choose to take, to mindlessly eat in order to keep that little girl quiet and when I actually take time to meditate on what I need in my life right now, what makes me truly happy I always get the same response – just be you.

I know once through discussion with a mentor he asked what I like more about competition prep, was it stage or was it the prep and he even stated how much I lit up when I said stage/show time, even of late all my discussion has been around dancing, I love to dance, I love to sing (not that great at it but love it anyway) and somedays I just love to be a complete dork.  My attention to children is phenomenal and I love their innocence and carefree nature, people think I don’t like children, but if I’m honest I think I’m just a little jealous that they can have a tantrum in public and I can’t when somedays I would truly love to, they are in awe of the world and the tiniest of things but when I feel like I want to get lost in the awe of the world it’s considered daydreaming and time wasting so I carry the guilt of not being productive enough until it eats away my soul to the point I will have a tantrum, but behind closed doors because that’s not appropriate adult behavior apparently.

I know I’m pissed off that there is no instruction manual to life but I also find so much satisfaction in trying to figure it out, I’m curious, a problem solver, aware yet still manage to fall into the trap of trying to follow the footsteps of others when I feel I’d be more than happy sitting with the man on the footpath drawing chalk pictures instead, or maybe even just drawing on my own foothpath. My awareness grows from my curiosity daily and the more I come to be aware of the more I want to share my experiences regardless of how people respond, I’ve worked with coaches, teachers, friends and read books and blogs about how to structure your life but I’ve found even though it’s helpful advice, I take what works and give it a go but also allow to change or adjust as I need to because life wasn’t meant to be lived with one decision forever, it’s being free and courageous enough to change when things get out of line without fear of judgment.

I know working along side these people has been great for creativity and awareness but I find its me just following other peoples footsteps to a place I’m not sure I even want to go, but I trust these people, I admire these people and I feel like they get me, but I think it’s this trust I have in them that I just want the bonding and connection not the psychoanalysis of why I’m not where I want to be and how I can get there, when realistically I’m right where I want to be and where I’m meant to be, because that’s when I’m my best – when I can just truly be, getting lost in the creativity and expression of self through things I love just like I saw in the man on the footpath, sure I don’t know his story and in no way do I hope or believe he’s suffering in anyway, but I could just sense his truth and he will always be in my gratitude for showing me how to just be and be good at it, for bringing a smile to my face knowing you don’t have to have anything fancy to help someone and being free to express yourself is truly how you can impact the world.