#mekamechanic fan fiction

[bunnyhanasong]

Child Soldier

Main ship: mekamechanic

Side ships: n/a

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort

Notes: people, including blizzard, seem to only focus on Dva’s cutesy superstar gaming idol arc and completely forget about her not so fluffy past. She’s basically a child solider who has probably seen things a nineteen year old shouldn’t have to experience. I wanted to take that into consideration with this. Baby Hana must be protected she’s so strong n deserves better tbh

Warnings: descriptions of violence and death, panic attacks

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Blood was pounding in her ears as she shakily pushed herself out of her meka. The seat retracted so she could eject from the machine, shakily holding onto the battered pink metal frame. Her mech looked to be in rough shape, which would take a lot of repairs to bring it back to working condition. Still, that wasn’t the biggest worry on Hana’s mind in that moment.

“Hana!” A familiar cheerful voice was barely audible over the rapid beating of her heart, “You did great today!”

“Brigitte,” Hana mumbled, seeing a blur of her girlfriend’s yellow armour in front of her. She felt gentle hands fall on her waist, holding her up as she began to slump against her mech.

“Woah,” Brigitte kept a light hold on Hana are she tried to make eye contact with her, “You alright?”

The younger girl tried to respond but couldn’t focus enough to find the words. She gave a minuscule shake of her head as she tried her hardest to keep her breathing even. The room felt like it was spinning and the harsh lighting of the watchpoint garage was blinding in that moment. She clutched onto Brigitte’s sleeve that was exposed under her armour, trying to find some semblance of grounding.

“Hey, take a breath, Hana. It’s okay,” Brigitte’s lightly accented words were soft and meant to calm her, but they barely registered to Hana.

It wasn’t okay. It had never been okay. It never would be.

Hana took a gasping breath as she tried so hard to stay calm, her increased heart rate making her feel like she’d just run a marathon. The mission had been a tough one for sure, yet Hana wasn’t feeling the physical impact at all. All she felt was the suffocating weight of reality on her shoulders, feeling the realization hit her.

“I... I k-killed them.”

Brigitte was taken aback by the words Hana tearfully mumbled, “They were Talon agents, Hana. They were threatening us and innocent people, you did it to protect others.”

Hana shook her head violently, hands letting go of Brigitte to instead clap over her ears. She slumped down to the ground as her legs finally gave out under her, falling from the older woman’s loose hold as she collapsed in a pile of limbs.

Brigitte became increasingly worried and was unsure what to do. She had never seen her girlfriend like this and was afraid to spook her more. She was curled into herself on the floor as much as she could, sobbing and rambling brokenly in her mother tongue. Brigitte didn’t know enough Korean to understand much, except for a repeated mantra of “I’m sorry.” She was apprehensive to move Hana, unsure if she would want her to interfere. Still, she needed to get her off the garage floor and in a safe environment if she wanted to calm her down.

“Hana,” Brigitte tried again carefully, “Hey, it’s alright. We’ll go see Angela, okay? She can give you something to help you calm down.”

The Korean girl wasn’t listening though, her palms still pressed tightly over her ears. She was breathing shallowly, gasping every so often as she fought the urge to hyperventilate. She was still rambling to herself, tears streaming down her face. Brigitte was startled to say the least, having never seen her teammate so upset before. She quickly recognized this as an anxiety attack and knew she needed to be careful to avoid upsetting Hana even more.

“Hana, look at me,” she crouched down in front of the small woman, “Can I touch you? I want to get you out of the garage but I won’t pick you up if you don’t want me to.”

It took a couple more attempts of questioning before Hana seemed to understand her words. She nodded minutely, which Brigitte took as a prompt to scoop the girl up in her arms. Hana wasn’t heavy, quite the opposite, but with Brigitte’s armour weighing her down it was a bit difficult to get back to her feet.

Hana’s arms wrapped tightly around her shoulders, clinging to her as if Brigitte would anchor her. She had begun to sob openly, hiding her face in her girlfriend’s neck. Brigitte tried to be quick and descreet about carrying Hana to the med bay in an attempt to shield the girl from questioning.

When she made it to the Watchpoint medical wing, Brigitte immediately made her way to Mercy’s office. She knew the head medic would be writing up notes of the day’s mission and any injuries sustained or resources used. The Swiss woman was indeed at her desk, and looked very startled when she saw the scene in front of her.

“Hana?” Mercy jumped up and crossed the room, “What happened?”

Brigitte answered for her, “She started panicking when she got out of her meka. Collapsed to the floor and has been hyperventilating since. I couldn’t get her to calm down but I wanted to move her out of that garage.”

Angela frowned and gestured towards the hallway, leading them down to a private exam room at the end of the hall. Brigitte could feel Hana shaking against her, her sobs not as loud now but she still felt tears falling onto her skin. She just shushed her gently as she followed Mercy into the room, letting her shut the door behind them.

“Hana, I’m gonna set you down on the bed, okay?”

Hana shook her head rapidly, clinging tighter to Brigitte. She looked at Angela for help but the doctor just looked concerned. With a sigh, Brigitte shifted Hana in her arms so she could look at her, brushing long hair off of her tear streaked face.

“Can I set you down so I can take off my armour at least? I’ll sit with you right after, I promise. It can’t be comfy with metal digging into you, huh?” Brigitte was speaking slowly and as calm as she could, like one would address a particularly upset child. It took a little more coaxing but eventually Hana nodded, still whining when she was set on the exam bed.

Brigitte tried to be quick with shedding her bulky armour, feeling her muscles screaming from the exertion of the mission and carrying Hana. As she was doing so, Mercy had taken to checking Hana’s vitals, all while the youngest woman was still borderline hyperventilating. Brigitte piled all her gear on the chair beside the bed, leaving her clad only in a long sleeve shirt and athletic pants. Once she sat down on the bed, Hana immediately threw herself back onto her girlfriend, who just gathered the small woman back in her arms.

“Hana,” Angela spoke in her gentle motherly way, “Can you tell us what’s wrong?”

She squeaked a little and hid her face in Brigitte’s neck, her tears starting up again. She really did want to talk to Angela but she couldn’t find the words she wanted. Everything seemed way too loud and too bright and just too much. She found solace in Brigitte’s strong arms holding her close, but she was still shaking with the weight of her anxiety.

“Hana, it’s alright,” Brigitte hummed softly as she pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head, “It’s just me and Angie, you’re safe.”

Hana gasped a little as she tried to catch her breath, attempting to reply, “I... I c-can’t.”

Angela crouched in front of the bed, taking one of Hana’s hands in both of hers, “Take your time, liebling. Deep breaths, we can wait.”

“A-Angie,” Hana sobbed as she finally looked at the medic, “I can’t... it’s so- so b-bad. It’s a-all too m... too much.”

“I know, Hana, I know.” Angela felt her heart break seeing the amount of panic in her dark eyes. This strong girl who was always so cheerful and confident, never faltering in her bubbly idol image. She looked so small and fragile in that moment, held close in Brigitte’s arms as she cowered away from whatever thoughts plagued her mind. It was certainly heart breaking to see one of the girls Angela thought of as a daughter so broken and terrified.

“Talk to us, bunny,” Brigitte prompted, using a nickname for Hana that always made her smile. Angela watched as Brigitte kept speaking lowly to Hana, a gentle hand brushing her bangs from her eyes as she tried to get her to focus. She saw the internal struggle that was going on, knew Hana was fighting some serious memories that she was having trouble separating from reality. These were textbook symptoms of a PTSD attack and Angela was kicking herself for not realizing the signs in Hana before.

“Focus on me, alright, Bun? Angela and I are right here; you’re safe and we want to help you.”

Hana nodded a couple times, shakily looking back to Angela as she took another deep breath. She was still leaning heavily against Brigitte, trying to listen to her strong, steady heartbeat in an attempt to calm her own racing heart.

“I- I killed t-them, eomma,” Hana said to Angela with a quivering bottom lip, “They’re... dead be-because of me.”

Angela frowned, still holding onto the girl’s hand, “Who’s dead, liebling?”

“A l-lot of people.”

Brigitte leaned down to press a reassuring kiss to Hana’s temple, “Hana, you did it to protect others. You’ve never killed in cold blood before and I know you never would.”

“Brigitte, I k- I’ve k...killed people,” Hana murmured, “I’m a murderer.”

“Hana, darling, you know that’s not true,” Angela tried to reason with her, “Yes you’ve killed people but they were criminals who had a lot more blood on their hands. You are a strong and talented soldier and peacekeeper, you’ve protected your home and many other places.”

Hana shook her head for the umpteenth time, tears welling in her eyes again. She thumped her head against Brigitte’s chest as tears silently slipped down her cheeks, “I have seen the... l-life leave more eyes th... than I can count. I have been the reason p-people have lost their children; their parents; their loved ones. I’ve killed p... killed people and not thought t-twice about it.”

Running a gentle hand over Hana’s hair, Brigitte felt her heart ache for her girlfriend. Due to Hana’s confident and borderline cocky gamer attitude, it was easy to forget that she was still just nineteen. She was barely into adulthood and yet she had seen so much and done things no teenager should have to do. Brigitte never really thought about the fact that Hana had become a soldier before she was even out of her adolescence, becoming a meka pilot and a protector of her country before she had even finished high school. Hana wasn’t just cutesy gimmicks, impressive gaming rankings, and witty one liners; she had been a child soldier and seen more than her fair share of death.

“Bunny, it’s all part of the job,” Brigitte said slowly, “I know it’s bad and I know it hurts, god I know, but it’s for a good purpose. You’ve probably saved five times as many lives as you’ve taken, don’t forget that.”

“Brig is right, Hana,” Angela agreed, “We do our best to save as many people as possible. We are not killing out of cold blood and we always have a purpose. You’re allowed to feel remorse but please do not make yourself think you’ve done anything wrong.”

A knock on the door distracted Angela and she stood, stooping down to press a kiss to Hana’s hair, “Try to relax, Liebling, I’ll be back.”

Once the medic disappeared through the door to speak to whoever was on the other side, Hana shifted in Brigitte’s arms. She hid her face in her shirt, feeling her girlfriend begin to rub her back gently in an attempt to keep her calm. Hana had stopped crying by then but she was still shaking a bit, sniffling every once in a while as the two sat in silence.

“Hana?”

The younger woman made a sound of reply, not bothering to look up as she merely snuggled closer to Brigitte. The redhead smiled sadly at her and ran her thumb over one of her tear stained cheeks.

“I love you,” Brigitte said softly, “You know that, right?”

Hana squeaked a little at the out of the blue declaration but nodded against her chest, “I know... and I love you too.”

“You know you can talk to me about these things, right? I’m always going to be here for you, bunny, and that will never change. If missions cause you this amount of anxiety please don’t try and hide it, I want to be here for you but I can’t if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Hana hesitated to respond, unsure of how to reply, “I don’t know why... why it’s so bad a-all of a sudden. I was fine...”

Brigitte frowned as Hana sniffled again, “Trauma reveals itself at sporadic moments. You’ve seen a lot, honey, and you’re still young. It’s understandable that you have these worries, but you can’t let them plague you like this.”

“What can I even do? I’m supposed to be a strong and reliable protector and I can’t even do that without having a breakdown. People can’t see me like this, Brig; I’ve got an image to keep up.”

“Hana,” Brigitte shook her head at the implications, “You’re still human and you’re allowed to feel things. You’re allowed to be upset and scared and frustrated. Just because you’re a public figure and a soldier doesn’t mean you need to always be so strong.”

“I can’t disappoint my fans,” Hana argued quietly, “I have to be strong and confident.”

“Having emotions and pain from trauma isn’t weakness, Hana. It’s something you can learn to control and get a hold of when it gets bad, but it’s okay to feel like this. Your fans won’t feel any different about you; you’re still The Hana Song.”

With a sigh of defeat Hana slumped back against Brigitte’s chest, “What’re you so wise for? Pestering me like this is Angie’s job.”

“I’m a medic too, Hana,” Brigitte replied with a low laugh, “And I love you and I want what’s best for you. In this case I think the best thing would be to let Angela test you for PTSD and other related disorders, just so we know if there’s something to be treated.”

Hana groaned, “I hate this.”

“I know, honey,” Brigitte replied as she wrapped her arms tighter around her girlfriend, “But Angela will bring it up eventually.”

“I’m tired,” the younger woman murmured, “And my head hurts.”

“My poor bunny,” Brigitte hummed as she ran a hand through Hana’s disheveled hair, “Are you feeling calmer, though?”

Hana shrugged, “I guess. Now I just feel like shit.”

The door opened as Hana was mid sentence and Angela reappeared, “Language, Hana.”

In response, Hana looked up at Mercy and mumbled something in Korean, clearly a curse of some sort. Rolling her eyes at the childish rebuttal, Angela came over to place a gentle hand on Hana’s flushed cheek.

“How are you feeling?”

“Head hurts,” Hana replied, “Tired too but I doubt I’ll sleep. I never sleep anymore.”

“Hana, you need to rest,” Brigitte chastised gently, worry clear in her tone.

Angela hummed and went over to the table across the room, picking up a tablet and tapping on it a couple times. She turned back to Hana after a few moments, “We have some anti-anxiety medication in stock I could prescribe, they may help you sleep and reduce attacks like this again. I do want to give you a full work up in the future, Hana, but it’s getting late and I would like for you to rest.”

Hana shrugged, “Whatever works, I guess.”

Angela nodded and made a comment about going to get the medication from the medical supply area. When the door clicked shut again Hana sighed and leaned heavily against Brigitte.

It was clear in her sluggish body language that the anxiety attack and the day’s mission had left Hana exhausted. Brigitte shifted Hana in her arms until she could lay them both down on the small hospital bed, though the younger protested a little.

“Just rest, Bun,” Brigitte urged her gently, “If you fall asleep I’ll take the meds from Angie and bring you back to sleeping quarters.”

Knowing she wouldn’t get anywhere in an argument about this, Hana sighed and just pressed closer into Brigitte’s arms. She hid her face in her shoulder, feeling herself relax against Brigitte’s familiar, strong body. Hana mumbled something in Korean into the fabric of her shirt, making her girlfriend ask her to repeat herself.

“I love you,” Hana said again, a bit louder and in English, “Thank you for being here for me.”

“Always, Bunny,” Brigitte promised with a smile, “I love you and I’ll never let you go through this alone.”