#mehhhhh im depressed

[a-puzzling-development]

spidey boy and tin man

[footponshoulder]

So regular followers know I use this platform now and again just to post about how im feeling. Just scroll past this kind of shit, it is more a way of getting things off my chest without actually having to talk to anyone about it and as I am shit at explaining things verbally it never comes out right anyway.

But yeah for the past couple of weeks I dont know, I dont feel depressed, but neither am I happy.

Let me explain wa gwaan for some context.

Around this time last year I had probably the most terrible mental health breakdown I have ever had. I am actually surprised my mum didn’t get me sectioned, because at that time I probably needed it. This was down to a break up with my ex.

Well, at the start of December, I did the silly thing of getting back in contact with her, and yeah you know the score....

Like I did really like this girl when I was going out with her, even though she fucked with my mind nuff times in the 9-10 months we were together, I cant really explain it, but she just had something about her, I was a metaphorical moth to a flame.

So after we linked a couple of times, we agreed to take things slooooow and just see how things go, no pressure, nothing. And that is how I wanted to it too, I did not want to go in all guns blazing and based upon my past experiences with her, allow her to mentally fuck me over once more (since what happened back in Jan last year, my mental health has honestly been the best it has been ever since I had my first mental breakdown when I was 27-28, you could even say I have been content with life for the first time since I was probably a teenager)

But then at the start of Jan, she went back to just airing me (this is what she did constantly when we were together, I know she wasnt cheating or whatever, but her own mental health issues come to the fore). Now I have told her plenty times that kind of shit is not fair on me or anyone infact, and if things are hard then all you need to do is explain it to me, of course I would try and help, but ultimately it is her life, so there is only so much I can do, and it is down to her if she wants that help anyway.

I know that her mental health has seriously plummeted recently, just going by what she posts on social media. I have tried to reach out, not even on a simpin tip, but as someone who is genuinely worried  about her welfare. I have sent texts and tried to call and make it clear that it is cool if she doesnt want to talk, but just to tell me she is okay, even if she isnt. But calls ignored, texts not replied to.

I was thinking about this earlier, unless I am close to you, if you act in that kind of way to me then I honestly couldnt care less, you’re just out of my life. Thank U next. 

But I cant do this to her. Again I can not explain why. For what she did to me last year I am WELL within my rights to say “fuck you�� and get along with my life. 

I have breakups in the past of course, some better than others (note the ex before the one I am talking about now, who literally stabbed me when we broke up lol) but never ever have I felt this kind of way towards someone. 

But the problem is, it is consuming me. I just want to hear from her. I can not stop myself checking her social media to see how she is doing, because that is the only way for me to know that she is still ‘there’ if you get me.

However at the same time, I second guess myself, to think, well was it something I said when we linked to make her par me off. Or has she come to her senses and realised meeting up was the wrong thing to do. Well if that is the case and you are too embarrassed to admit it, then just block me, atleast then I would get the message.

I have even told her, like if you want me to fuck off out your life, all you need to do is tell me and I will. I think then it would actually trigger something in my brain to get on with my life. But no, she is always checking my story on Insta, so I know there must be some sort of feeling there?!

Anyway, in the past few years I have learnt what triggers my real bad depression episodes, and that is rejection, and just like Freud said it stems back to my Mum and how I was treated growing up. 

But because I have genuinely strived so hard in the past year to be more positive and better myself, I have not become all depressed, but I just have no discernible emotions at the moment. Not in the Anhedonia/Avolition sense. I guess how I can describe it, is that life my emotions are just ‘beige’. Not dark, nor colorful, just mehhhhh.

Not that i want to be all depressive and slitting my wrists, far from it, but atleast then I actually know how I am feeling. Feeling something is better than feeling nothing right?

Like I have been thinking all evening, about whether I should try and call her, but then I dont want to embarrass myself when she doesnt answer, or send a text and get left on ‘read’ (and btw, I am not some total freak trying to call her every day, or sending a million texts). However at the same time, i want her to know I still care about her, in the sense that I just want to make sure she is ‘okay’. But knowing her, she wont reach out to me first, so all I can do is try, but should I be bothering to try? There is only so much ignoring I can take, but I know she is finding this 3rd lockdown particularly hard. So I do not want to push to hard for some sort of recognition from her, but nor can I be that much of cunt and just delete her out myself.

LOL why the fuck cant my life just be a bit more simpler, and why the fuck do I go for girls who are just human red flags?!

Anyway I have a banging headache. I’m out. Peace and Love x

[newtype-princess]

 I was tagged by:  @shinyrifle

Objective: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag others.

I’m tagging:  @mrharp9​  @ i dont talk to many ppl here but all my mutuals are invited to do this silly thing

LAST

drink -Water keeping me moist phone call - my mom lol text message - idk the phone company who does that ?? lmao song you listened to -  Veteran of the Psychic Wars - Blue oyster cult time you cried - uhh last week bc of stress

EVER

dated someone twice - who tf goes on dates what am I 12? kissed someone & regretted - yep been cheated on - nope lost someone special -no been depressed -yessssssss  gotten drunk and thrown up -i dont drink

FAV COLOURS

i like every color buuut rn pink green and yellow

IN THE LAST YEAR, YOU…

made new friends -i guess yea fallen out of love -idk what this means  laughed until you cried - yeah always found out someone was talking about you - i feel this is like a post for 14 yo kids met someone who changed you -i guess ¿? found out who your friends are -¿?¿??¿¿?¿? kissed someone on your facebook friends list -lmao yes

GENERAL

how many of your facebook friends do you know irl -most of them  do you have any pets -2 dogs and  2 cats do you want to change your name - nah what did you do for your last birthday - stress and had a fun time with friends what time did you wake up today - high noon....... what were you doing at midnight last night -watching requiem for a dream with my friends what is something you can’t wait for -winter, and playing dnd  what are you listening to right now -  Blue Öyster Cult - Fire Of Unknown Origin have you ever talked to a person named tom - no  something that’s getting on your nerves - lag on hots most visited website - this hellsite  hair color - brown long or short hair - short i hate long hair its annoying do you have a crush on someone -yes my bf what do you like about yourself -ehhh want any piercings -no thx blood type -idk nicknames - my friends call me Tuna relationship status - i have a man 💁 zodiac -Scorpio  pronouns - she-her fav TV shows - i dont watch tv but ehh stranger things is the only thing i watch  tattoos - nope  right or left handed -right ever had surgery -nope sports - i did karate when i was 12 and i really want to go back  piercings -nope vacation - im going to brasil next month  trainers -what does this means??????????

MORE GENERAL

eating - nothing rn

drinking - water

about to watch - i want to watch full metal alchemist bc its on netflix waiting for - im waiting to play dnd  want - a lot of shit mostly money i want money get married -NO career - art 

WHICH IS BETTER

hugs or kisses - hugs lips or eyes - depends shorter or taller - idc older or younger - idc but same age is better not a big fan of age gap nice arms or stomach - this one is hard im a sucker for both  hookup or relationship - mehhhhh relationship i guess troublemaker or hesitant - hesitant af

HAVE YOU EVER

kissed a stranger - no drank hard liquor -nope lost glasses - yes all the time but i find them eventually  turned someone down - yep a lot of times  sex on first date - LMAO WHO DATES ¿?¿¿?¿? broken someone’s heart -yes srry  had your heart broken -nope been arrested - this one time my entire class decided to leave school early and the cops found me and some friends and sent me home but no  cried when someone died - on movies yes irl no fallen for a friend - yes 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

yourself - sometimes miracles - nope love at first sight - nope santa claus - ?? no  kiss on a first date -¿?¿??¿ angels -¿¿?¿?¿?¿?

OTHER

best friend’s name - i dont have one i think eye colour -brown fav movie -idk i dont have favs its hard to pick one fav actor -i dont really care about actors or famous people