#medic is showing Solly how to put on his earrings

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

They're speedrunning being gay

[okeymakeydude]

Soldier.

He's the surprise one. I mean, Solly is a man of words, and not be ashamed; He would tell S/O how much he loves 'em and even if the team is present.

Although it doesn't mean that he doesn't give some affectionate gestures. The surprise came when the team won the match, everyone was celebrating it, S/O was about to get a drink when...

"C'mere, sweetheart!"

He´d kiss his S/O hard, almost crushing their noses, and moves away to see their face, to do it again. With his arms on their hips. He also likes to give kisses on the top or back of their head, while he's hugging ´em.

Scout.

Insecure one. Oh boi, this one gets very nervous when it's about someone he really loves, so he usually gives quick kisses on the cheeks and giggles. He can't help scratching the back of his neck.

But he´s trying! While both were laughing at a joke, he fell down to appreciate the face of his S/O and smiled, slowly bringing his face closer until he stood still. What if it bothered you if he did that? He stayed a few inches away. 

“... Shit”.

He was about to walk away and say some excuse, until he felt some arms around him, his love took the first step and gave him the kiss, he answered. Patience is one of the things he loves you for.

Sniper.

Ghost kisses. You can feel it but it feels like the touch of a breeze. Causing chills. He loves kissing on the neck while his arms are around, spending time with S/O alone and appreciating the person he loves the most.  

Imagine, on top of the caravan on a starry night, and he can't help but talk about the constellations he sees but when he looks into your eyes...

"... yer bloody adorable, roo."

Then he rests his forehead on his S/O, to plant a soft kiss. They both laughed under their breath and then continued to listen to the forest singing.

Demoman

As i call it, "angel kisses". It may sound strange, but our merc gives kisses around the eyes or even on the eyelid of his S/O. He's smooth about it. He's never had such interactions, even between his parents, tho he remembers someone who took care of him giving kisses like that when he was little. He wants to make you feel protected.

When he sees his love, doesn't hesitate to approach 'em and then put one arm around while the other holds the bottle.

" If ye were mah partner i would kiss ya..." "Demo, we're a couple."

His surprise made you laugh and he gave a smile when realized it. He gave up drinking so could squeeze the cheeks of his love, sometimes he thinks he has no right to have you.

Spy.

He starts from the hand to the lips. As a gentleman, polite, he'll always go at the pace his beloved wants. And well, being a spy, he knows relationships aren't that easy.

Both alone in his private room, with your head resting on his legs while he's giving soft kisses on your fingers. The silence was easy to break.

"... Confortable, amour?"

Of course he's the master of pleasure, he knows almost every kind of kiss and could do it. However, he doesn't want to make the same mistakes in his previous relationships, he was fast but now, wants to go slowly but surely.

Engineer.

Kisses on the jaw, between the chin and the neck. That's his favorite part, even if his S/O is taller than him, knows it tickles and is sensitive in that area.

You could feel his hands on your sides, he wanted to get your attention but you wanted to do one thing first. A chill came when you felt his lips there.

"Oooh so cute, darlin' "

He's very passionate, usually planting several around the jaw to the ear. Compared to Solly, he's a man of gestures than words, and more when it comes to expressing how much you love someone.

Medic.

Like Engie, he'd like to touch the sensitive parts of the body; the neck, the jaw, the ears... they don't call him Medic for nothing! Their kisses last longer on the skin but don't leave a red mark.

Late at night, S/O falls asleep on the stretcher waiting for the German to finish work (something almost impossible), he realizes it and gives em a kiss on the forehead.

"Gute nacht, liebling."

He isn't a person who shows his feelings much, yet he makes an effort when it comes to his loved one.

Heavy.

Do you know that in Russia it's common to give even six kisses? This bear is not the exception! Three on each cheek and at the end, a kiss on the tip of the nose.

Both of you are lying on the couch, Heavy reading a book and translating it to you, laughing as he reads something.

"Here he says; "loving you is like breathe, can't stop."

His S/O's smile when they heard it made him happy, they knew it was a cliché, but they couldn't help but do a quick kiss before going on.

Pyro.

Kisses everywhere! They's able to give a thousand in a short time, very energetic, letting know how happy they is with you.

With their arms around you in front the fireplace, his S/O was reading a story with a happy ending. They raised their arms to clap.

"mmph phm umm!" "Do you want me to read it again? Uh..."

Suddenly you heard a whimper from em before put the mouth part of their mask on yours. You sighed, couldn't say no.

I dunno if ya wanted a second or third person, so I mixed both. Hope you liked it. Thanks 4 requesting!

Masterlist

Are u interested for a request? Then go ahead! Here's the rules!

[raccoonpatriotism]

260 [Random, Useless Headcanons 📂] from @homeofthevan | Part 2 Explosive Boogaloo

1-100: Here

101: He’s always had an, uh, ‘excellent’ temperament with old women - starting from being forced to help out at Old Folks Homes to get him out of the Orphanage. 

102: He yells to show he cares. 

103: He also yells for the sake of it.

104: You have to constantly say his name if you want him to continue to be part of the conversation.

105: that’s why he so often repeatedly uses names, nicknames, a simple ‘son’ when speaking to people.

106: He assumes everyone’s just like him until proven otherwise.

107: Along with what I said earlier about him not being empathetic; he really isn’t able to visualize himself in someone elses shoes unless he’s been walked through, like, a specific a few times. 

108: He respects Miss Pauling the most out of everyone he knows. 

109: Smissmas and Thanksgiving are tied for his favorite holiday.

110: Jane really likes Halloween though, and isn’t a grump on Valentines day. 

111: <- Jane’s password for anything he owns that requires a password. More 1s if necessary.

112: When he’s thirsty he’ll go to the nearest form of water for hydration - catch him just drinking out of the bathroom sink - leaning up as he wipes his mouth, chirping, “Hello, private.”

113: He guzzles coffee like it’s fuel, but he has a very strict, No Caffeine after lunch protocol.

114: Decaff is for WIMPS.

115: Jane plays the trombone.

116: Subsequently, in most music, he appreciates and hums along with the bass parts.

117: Modern AU-Jane may be a Call of Duty fanboy, but he respects Halo for being another accurate depiction of life on the battlefront. 

118: Speaking of modern Jane, the Military didn’t accept him in the 80s either.

119: His love for the military lead him to believe for sure he’d be accepted he was the Perfect Patriot and his enlistment would be a surefire way to help fund his transition--

120: But of course, as strong as he had become he’d spent his youth very sick and with the possibility of the illness to return along with a terrible psyche eval and 80s typical transphobia that lane was firmly closed.

121: At least he had DOOM to fall back on. And he was physically strong enough to hold down jobs to at least pay for testosterone.

122: And then Call of Duty came out and he became an early era streamer. (Went viral as one of those guys who basically RPs being an actual soldier in the voice chat.)

123: BACK TO CANON JANE because those headcanons just.. plain, aren’t useless. canon jane doesn’t have to deal with transphobia. tch.

124: He’s not the best to have on your football team as menacing as he is. He’ll start tackling everybody. Running the wrong way. Trying to steal the ball from his teammates.

125: If you tell Jane something’s American after he criticizes it, watching him backtrack is really fun.

126: Jane doesn’t get sick often, which is good because he is insufferable. Either goes full isolation straight up outside somewhere. Or is whining to everyone and everyone how it’s not allowed that he can’t be burrowing somewhere outside.

127: His hands are always warm - if they’re cold he’s probably having an Episode of some sort. 

128: Rock and Roll helps his tinnitus, though he’ll still refer to it as Hippy Garbage. Like most music.

129: Jane could probably tapdance if given proper shoes. Mmm no, he’d stomp through the floor. Horse level clomping.

130: He’ll be the hype-man for anyone on his team.

131: Despite not being a fan of mint flavoring, he loves himself a candy-cane.

132: His thumb isn’t double jointed - seeing someone showing off their double jointed-ness would have Jane proclaiming magic was necessary.

133: LT. BITES lightning round!! Lt. Bites sees jane as its “General” 

134: It got the bite taken out of its ear fighting over sour cream - it won.

135: Jane doesn’t give any raccoons a higher rank than Bites.

136: Lt. Bites doesn’t crave human flesh or anything, but it likes the sensation of biting people!

137: Jane has tried to get his raccoon a job at RED.

138: You can tell when Jane is having a really good day on the battlefield because you’ll round the corner and there’s Naked Soldier.

139: He’s waxing poetry about the beauty of the Male Form, take it in you soft quivering maggots. 

140: I can’t get the image of Jane crowd surfing out of my head? That’s, like, his ideal dream for being recognized for his heroics. Medals and a mosh in his Honor.

141: Anytime he sees a Bald Eagle he entirely stops what he’s doing to place his left hand over his heart.

142: Jane loves The Art of War and is still awaiting Sun Tzu’s next book.

143: [ Alcohol ] Jane only sees ghosts when he’s starving, drunk, or suffering from a concussion. And it’s merely a way for such a boar minded guy to internalize what’s going on around him.

144: He can touch his toes keeping his knees straight.

145: Jane has minor ice-skating knowledge, as most growing up in the midwestern united states do. He’s not, good, though, he’s really intent on Taking Steps instead of gliding.

146: Put him in front of a piano and he’s holding out on finger and pressing down on one key at a time like an old man at a desktop keyboard.

147: Jane is ready to beat up your father. 

148: Especially if your dad is shitty, unleash good ol’ Solly on him.

149: While he favors picking his nose with his pinkies, neither of his pinkie pads have any feeling.That makes them a little less dexterous when the time comes.

150: He’s always aching to be active, his brain will take things literally if it means he’ll be doing something.

151: Rum pineapple juice and malibu caribou -- Er. He doesn’t like pineapple flavoring. Isn’t a fan of mixed drinks in general? 

152: He’s capable of staying out of the picture and not picking his nose, often times if things aren’t focused on him he’ll just sorta.. Stand out of the way playing with his hands - rifling through his pouches. Some times he’ll even, *gasp* pay attention. 

153: He really likes to but in with his opinion is the thing.

154: He’s an American and his ideals must be heard.

155: Merasmus out here having doing the most for Soldier, in helping him reintegrate back into society. You think he’s bonkers now?? Psh. You should’a seen him fresh home from Poland.

156: He’s shown up to Civil War reanactments with a real gun.

157: Jane is incapable of yawning silently.

158: Stairs are overrated.

159: Catch Jane with a lukewarm mug of water pouring coffee grinds directly into it and saying “Damn, that’s a fine cup of Joe.”

160: Only. 100 left? Sweet Joseph Wetnurse of Jesus He’s got dirty blond hair leaning toward brunette.

161: Any righteous death deserves a warrior’s burial - That’s why you’ll find Jane, helmet over heart, giving a stirring eulogy about the Toilet from the Men’s Restroom that Got Unearthed and Shattered By... Nobody In Particular. 

162: He will just join in large groups of people  - like protests? He’ll just fall in line and preach his own stuff which sometimes doesn’t exactly align with the group at large.

163: i asked myself, would jane pick someone else’s nose? Yes.

164: His hugs are always really warm.

165: He would notice his wallet being pickpocketed - unless it was replaced by something the same weight. He’s like a temple from Indiana Jones.

166: Mentally? Jane’s fine with being alone, but. That leads to him living in a box or a room straight out of that “Damn, bitch, you live like this?” comic.

167:  Despite deep cold being triggering to him (SEE HC, 67.), he loves snow-forts and hot chocolate because those are great American past-times.

168: next one is this post’s 69 brace yourselves! Jane’s never truly in silence, the constant whistling in his ears will see to that. That’s why sometimes, when it is quiet, you’ll catch Jane looking into space like he’s trying to see where the sound is coming from.

169: Important to note, he ain’t popping a boner any time he’s fighting nude. Or, really, fighting any time. Intent is really important for him. (If he gets all rubbed up on, though, Well,)

170: Jane is under the assumption that everything he comes up with is ingenious and people like Red Spy are holding society back by ignoring such wide plans.

171: He’s secretly soothed by everyone on his team’s voices.

172: First off, himself. He loves to hear himself talk. Mostly fueled by self-important intent, the tenor of his own voice also soothes his eardrums.

173: Pyro’s is muffled yet energetic - and never fails to get Jane pumped up.

174: Scout’s got that accent that is pure and simple, American. Soldier may not listen to half of what he says, but for background buzz and funny colloquialisms 

175: And, Engie's accent garners a whole other sort of American respect out of the Soldier. As far as soothing goes? Engie’s is like butter.

176: Soldier hate’s Heavy’s accent on principle, but below his American Stubbornness is a love for the deep, thoughtful symbols Heavy provides. Plus, y’know, he appreciates a fellow loud guy.

177: Demo’s voice makes Solly a happy man. It used to make him furious, an all Scottish accents did, but more recently it makes him feel nostalgic. 

178: Jane would swear up every mountain he can that there’s nothing positive to be found in Spy’s accent, but zoning out to such poised speech patterns and rounded vowels is a common occurrence. 

179: When Sniper gets that gravelly tone going on, when he takes things really seriously? Jane like that.

180: Jane can’t find it in him to be really put off by anything Medic says during surgery, so his voice only causes a feeling of safety throughout the Soldier. He can’t get enough of hearing Enthusiasm in the Medic’s voice.

181: He doesn’t believe the Police can arrest him because they aren’t the official Government.

182: He looks at a baby and is like “What animal is this?”

183: Big hands.. talented at giving massages.

184: BEWARE HIM BREAKING YOUR SPINE - just specify ‘and don’t kill me’!

185: Jane doesn’t gossip so much as, be around people who are gossiping which makes him want to make up some Hot Goss. Also, he’ll act like every rumor someone else shares is spoken truth.

186: Jane picked up finger guns from Scout. He either uses it constantly or doesn’t use it for weeks at a time.

187: He lifts, broskis.

188: Jane will talk about trucks because the Average American Male is expected to. He knows nothing about cars.

189: He’s an impulsive liar, so caught up in in his web of ‘things he says to impress people’ that he believes everything he says. So are the woes of being an adult with ADHD.

190: He goes between being smell-blind and having the scent skills of a bloodhound. It’s probably a mental thing, because there’s no in between, but Jane doesn’t know anything.

191: i’ve been working on these for 5 days at this point... i hope they’re appreciated JANE prefers..soft food. jane Does Not lov the cronch.

192: Which is what makes cashews his favorite nut. they’re soft-ish. and they have just enough crunch to not gross him out.

193: He loves immediate gratification. 

194: Beyond joining the Military? Jane’s never had a solid plan for his future. Lives too in the moment. 

195: As long as he’s having fun, Jane’s a pretty content guy.

196: Any artistic skills he may have once had go into making Maps for war planning sessions.

197: He’ll fall victim to Sleep Paralysis occasionally and, once able to move, will spend the rest of the day curing ghosts and Merasmus’ magic.

198: He was SUPER into Howdie Doodie Time in his youth, and being put in front of any reruns will have him basically hypnotized into silence.

199: He’s proud of his ass.

200: Jane can keep marching pace for hours at a time. And if he’s not lugging around his rocket launcher he can keep marching for an entire day no pausing. 

201: Jane isn’t shy about telling jokes, because he believes everyone has the same sense of humor as him.

202: He knows karate but refuses to use his knowledge because it is not an American Form. He will stick to brute strength and loud yelling thank you very much.

203: He’s the type to state every time he’s going to use the bathroom. Like, people can be having a serious conversation and hes like, “I am going to take a shit now!”

204: Jane’ll go a week without washing his hair, but he always brushes his teeth two times a day.

205: He gives a damn good kiss.

206: All Human Nudity is safe for work. As it was God’s Intention to make people strongest when not held back by fabric.

207: All he wants is recognition.... for his good deeds...

208: He’ll have staring contests with the Sun. He’s yet to win, but that damn star shouldn’t get too comfortable.

209: Much like his pinkies, his feet have been crushed, blown up, and bruised so many times that he doesn’t have much feeling in them either.

210: He’s never washed his bellybutton.

211: He prefers savory to sweet, but he prefers sweet to sour.

212: Half assing is not in Jane’s vocabulary.

213: His brain will get stuck on simple Math - like, he tries his best to figure it out, it’s just.... Numbers..... they are a construct. And so he’ll end up pondering what 5+7 is for, like, 5 minutes.

214: Jane is constantly torn between wanting to be a Figure of Authority and also being a man born in the trenches following orders.

215: Have I mentioned lately Jane fucks? 

216: Jane’s room is sparsely decorated, but it’s only because he’s not materialistic and doesn’t generally receive gifts.

217: He’s more than willing to strip Right This Moment and fight something.

218: Jane’s not afraid to call other people losers.

219: He crops his own hair once a week. Same day he’ll do his wash.

220: Jane’s stubble grows in really fast, but he can’t deny the feeling of having a freshly shaved jaw is amazing.

221: If a teammate is struggling emotionally..... Jane walks away.

222: If they’re struggling again, /then/ Jane will give them some uncalled for American Advice. Like, meaningfully yelling “GET OVER IT, YOU SLOBBERING FOOL.”

223: He has a very, very high pain threshold. 

224: He accidentally walks into walls all the time.

225: He can’t magically see through his helmet - he just knows everyone’s feet super well.

226: It’s good that Lt. Bites is a wild, self sufficient animal because Jane is terrible at pet care. And child care. And any sort of care.

227: On the very rare occasions Jane gets overwhelmed with depression he’s a shadow of his former self questioning the sanctity of American Ideals and wondering aloud if War really is the answer to his problems.

228: Next day he’ll be fine and forget he was ever upset.

229: He’s never gotten a real back massage before, if he were to get one he’d probably literally melt? Some women he’s slept with liked to say sensually ‘oh what a big tense man you are’ and, like, weakly rub his back. they didn’t get paid to fix this man’s back muscles LMAO

230: Any backwards period-typical beliefs about women went out the window upon meeting Miss Pauling.

231: His love for America is truly as pure as it gets.

232: Jane’s pretty xenophobic, but he can learn better, I’m sure. he’s gotten his ass kicked for being ignorantly racist and he grew to be a better person.

233: He takes really well to learning things through violence, the only issue is.. dealing with Soldier Being Violent.

234: There’s nothing a fist to the face won’t fix.

235: He’s not much of a napper, his brain being far too active to let him rest during daylight hours.

236: He’s constantly moving, even in sleep.

237: Hell, give him a few hours after being knocked unconscious and he’ll start wiggling something around.

238: He doesn’t stop to smell the flowers, because if they wanted to be smelled they’d approach him.

239: He believes in the good of all humans, it’s just buried down past his Fight Everyone radar.

240: He only likes musicals about fighting Hitler.

241: His biggest regret is not punching Hitler.

242: He does not fear death, he does not fear punishment. He lives for his ideals and if he’s taken down believing in himself? Then that’s okay.

243: Jane needs deodorant reminders.

244: He takes personally being betrayed as people betraying the country of America.

245: (oh shit i slacked off it’s been like two days since i wrote something, Who Is Soldier?) CEREAL THEN MILK, MAGGOTS

246: Jane doesn’t know the word migraine so he really can’t describe how he feels.

247: Look, he loves his friends, he loves his guns, but he’s stingy with the word.. Love because that’s what he feels for America and the country will always be number one.....

248: Jane’s not too partial to sarcasm outside of combat, but it’ll find it’s way into his speech. His tone is usually hammed up to signify he’s joking around or being cruel.

249: He’s like a cartoon character, he can only understand sarcasm if it’s Funny to at the moment.

250: Jane likes his hair being pet.

251: He likes his hands being played with as much as he likes playing with other people’s hands. (A lot.)

252: He loves dogs, but is more of a cat person. Dogs and him just echo energy and HYPE feelings back and forth at each other until they pass out and then Jane feels more emotionally exhausted than hanging out with people.

253: The weirdest parts of rom-coms make him cry. 

254: He appreciates a good non-american explosion, but he has his preferences. 

255: You show Jane genuine kindness and interest and he’s like, Yours. Jane vc: Are you the vice-president?

256: If he were to have a reptile for a sidekick instead of a raccoon, he would have a turtle.

257: He can be delicate when he needs to be, but cracking eggs is a different story.

258: While not too partial to sugary beverages - he has a figure to maintain, root beer and ginger ale are his go-tos.

259: He can appreciate a salad! Jane Doe will eat his greens!!!!

260: Soldier has no tattoos, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be open to getting any. Just never crossed his mind.

SWEET SPIRIT OF JOE BIDEN AM I FINISHED?

thank you,... for reading my garbled thoughts.. for respecting The Soldier... and for being a creative individual. But mostly the respecting Soldier thing.

[teamfortress2headcanons]

Okay, so what would the Mercs reactions be to say some rich business CEO pays the team to look after/protect his 7 year old daughter while...certain matters are taken care of. This little girl though is fairly cute,curious & odd. She's unfazed by the dead bodies that occasionally are seen around, giggles sometimes even. She seems genuinely curious about the mercs line of work, and has been caught trying on their clothes pretending to be them. Lastly, she like teaparty's and invites the mercs.

Hey man, thanks for your ask. This is going to be a long one.

Scout:  He takes the first shift taking care of her. The little girl laughs at all his jokes and together they read comic books. When she goes missing Scout freaks out, the kid’s father is going to kill him. He finds her wearing his hat and headphones, waving his metal bat around. He walks in, smiling from ear to ear. “What ya doing?”“Bonk!! I’m you!”Together they run all over the base, the young girl softly hitting the other mercs with the bat.

Pyro: Everything was going well, the young girl was drawing and playing with Pyro’s toys. It all goes south when she puts on a spare mask and scares Pyro. The firebug starts to cry, why is there an other version of them?? This isn’t their enemy. The young girl becomes confused. What did she do wrong?? She never meant to hurt the Pyro. She takes off the mask, moving slowly towards the merc. She hugs them. An understanding, of how far she can go around them.

Solider: Solly first shows her his heads and then his weapons. She asks him about how the guns and rocket launcher works, witch Soldier happily explains. He then teaches her how to use a shotgun. “Solly don’t hand her the gun”“It’s not loaded…… yet”

They spend the rest of their time playing war, where the child wears Solly’s helmet.

Demoman: She gives out a small giggle.“So, you can blow stuff up??”“Yes lass, it’s my job”“Can we blow something up??”The Demoman and the girl are seen outside the base, the girl behind protective glass. While Demo is setting up the explosives around an old truck. He hands her the remote trigger and places on a set of headphones. Using his finger the Demo counts down from five. Sometime after the explosion she asks him a question.“Why do you have one eye??”Tavish takes a deep breath and tells her the tale, skipping over some parts and sugar coating others.

Heavy: By the time it’s Heavy’s time to take care of the girl she’s feeling quite hungry. She sits down at the table while Heavy make the both of them a Sandvitch. At first she is scared of the man, she has never seen a man so big in her life. Heavy notices this so after they finish their meal he shows her photos of his family, he tells her all about his mother. The girl hangs on to every word he says. At the end of his story the Heavy leaves to use the bathroom. When he returns Heavy finds the young child in one of his tops. “Why you wear top??”“I just wanted to feel big”The Heavy has to hold back a laugh, the girl is swimming in his top, it looks more like a dress on her then a top. He picks her up and gives her a piggy back.

Engineer: “No, hun!! Don’t touch that.” Has to lead the young girl out of his work shop. It’s been sometime since he has entertained a child. He decides to take her down into the local toy store to buy some Lego. When they return back to base, he helps her create a small town. “This makes me an engineer right??”“Sure does sweety”“Does that mean I can wear a hat??”The Engi smiles and hands her his hat. They go from building a town into creating a city.

Medic: The young girl gets dropped off at Medics lab when she walks in she sees Heavy on the operating table medi-gun above him. The medic waves her over, the girl seems unfazed as she looks into the Heavy’s chest. “Would you like to touch his ribs??”The girl looks at the German man, she is unsure. It’s the Heavy that assures her.“Little girl can touch rib. It’s ok”Saying nothing she runs her index finger along the bone. The Medic finished up with the Heavy and turns his full attention to the girl before him. “What would you like to do??”“Can we play a game?”“What do you have in mind”The girl smiles. Together they play hospital, the Medic allowing the girl access to his stethoscope, syringes (no needles) and crepe bandages. They do this as the girl walks around in the Medic’s coat.

Sniper: The girl disappears again. Sniper is losing his mind.“Of course the girl goes missing on my watch”He searches high and low. Checking in with all the other mercs, goes all around the outside of the base. It’s until he hears soft giggling where he finds her, inside his van. “Kid, wot are you doing here??”“Scout dared me to come in here”The Sniper makes a mental note to kill the Boston once the kid is gone. Once both are back inside the base the girl notices that the assassin hasn’t taken off his glasses.“It’s rude to wear sunglasses inside”“It ain’t rude if ya need them”The girl doesn’t understand and the Sniper notices her facial expression change. He takes them off kneeling down to hand over his glasses. “These glasses help me see colour”The girl puts them on.“I don’t understand, you can’t see colour”He nods.“Yep. I have red / green colorblindness”The girl hands back the glasses, she looks ashamed. “I’m sorry.”“Nah it’s ok.”

Spy: The Spy stays in the same room as the young girl. He is annoyed that he can’t smoke or drink. Still the man does have a soft spot for kids. He tells her some of his adventures and shows her some tricks with his butterfly knife.

Ok that is the head canon part done, now onto the tea party.

It’s late, the team is in the dining room cleaning up after a large meal. The girl they are all being paid to look after is drawing on the floor. Sniper walks past Scout slapping him softly at the back of the head.

“That’s for daring the kid into my van”“Come on Snipes it was funny”The assassin looks Scout dead in the eyes, his facial expression is neutral. If looks could kill. “You gotta admit slim”The Engineer says as he wipes down the stove.“It was a laugh to see you run around. Think it was the most exercise you got in years.”

The entire team bursts into laughter. A sigh escapes the Sniper’s lips, he flips off the Texan. The young girl takes this as her queue. She goes up to each team member handing an invitation.

“I hope you can come”She says before walking out.The team take a moment to read over the invite they’ve been given. The Scout is the first to speak.“A tea party! We’ve got to go.”All the mercs nod in agreement, they would not dare break the little girl’s heart.

By the time the girl is found she has set up a small room with biscuits, teacups and a teapot. All the men take a seat on the floor. However the Snipers face goes from one of boredom to one of annoyance. “This is my tea set”Demoman chips is.“You own a tea set Snipes??”“It’s my mother”The assassin says defensively. The girl hands out the teacup and starts to pour the imaginary tea. For the night all nine harden killers play tea party until the young girl finally wishes to go to bed.

Yo. Sorry the tea party story was short but I gotta wrap things up.

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

TF2 Fic: Responsibility Weighs More Than Dog Tags

...so, I started writing an idea before last Halloween, intended to be posted on the day. Except I lost my spark of creativity for a while... therefore there’s been three unedited chapters of what’s going to be a long-ass fic, floating about on my computer since then. Here is chapter one of a kid-merc fic. Soon to be edited and completed.

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Chapter 1: Dear Ma, I regret Everything I’ve Ever Done…  

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In every facet of his life, Scout could honestly say that some form of absolute chaos was the norm. That wasn’t even bein’ dramatic, it was stating a fact, plain an’ simple. At first, the runner found himself one of seven boys born to a woman with an iron-clad constitution, and the ability to quell their shenanigans with a single gesture.

Now? He’s one of nine skilled mercenaries; surrounded day and night by men from all walks of life, who are way crazier than he’ll ever freaking be. Or at least, that’s what he tells himself.

Easier ta think you’re the pinnacle of mental health about these parts when compared against a guy who throws his piss at people for laughs, a dude who never takes off his balaclava even when showering, a medical professional who lets his freaking pets play in the patients, and a certain military-minded someone who uses a fuckin’ rocket launcher for transport.

But that’s the thing, ain’t it? It’s one thing to be a faction of the entropy, to feast on the chaos swirling around -embody one of the deadly sins if ya wanted to get all met-a-phorical and shit- but it’s something else entirely ta be the poor sucker tryin’ ta control it.

He has no idea whatsoever how his Ma did it all those years; with the lot of her rag-tag rebellious boys and their crazy ways. To be honest, he’d downright sell his soul fer an insight inta how she’d done it all’a this time; but he can’t, pretty sure the confidentiality clause in the contract Miss P had’em all sign right at the beginning covered even these weird-as-hell events.

Looks like he was just gonna have ta deal with this by himself.

Something exploded two feet from the runner’s left ear, shattering a wall and setting nearby furniture on fire; forcing the young man to jerk his head from the cradle of his hands, and glare across the table at the current cause of the chaos. A handful of his teammates glared back, some wearing expressions of innocence, and others grinned in unbridled glee at the destruction.

With a sigh of exasperated frustration, Scout slams his hands on the table and shoves his seat out as he stands. “Alright, an’ I can’t freakin’ believe these words’a comin outta my mouth right now just so ya know, I’m givin’ ya ten seconds ta own up ta nearly blasting me through respawn for the third time ta-day, or ya all going on time-out.”

He crosses his arms, making a vague note that he needs to switch out the bandages at some point, because there’s an alarming amount of jam smeared across the back of his right hand.

They ain’t budging. The Scout shoves down a smirk and adopts the most serious frown he can muster given the circumstances; he can’t quite go ‘full Medic’ when it comes ta disappointed faces, but he’s somewhere close on the spectrum.

“Alright, ya asked fer it…” He sighs. “Ten… Nine… Eight…”  

The way the present classes scrabbled in panic was sorta, how would Spy put it? Delicious, maybe? Hilarious, too.

“Seven… Six… Five, I ain’t kidding, y’better fess up soon guys… Four…”

Somehow he kept up a stern expression as fingers started pointin’ every which way, firing blame like this was a Sudden Death match fer a new hat drop, and friendly fire was off. Yeah, just like home, then.

“Three… Two… One an’ three-quarters… One ‘n a half… One ‘n a quarter…”

Soldier leapt forwards, nearly taking out Demo, who’d been helping him hold the incriminating launcher steady while firing. “I FIRED AT YOU FOR THE SAKE OF AMERICA… AND COOKIES!”

“Oh really? Cookies, huh? Ya know who gets ‘em?” he asks, smugly, at their confused expressions. “People who don’t go firing freakin’ weapons at their teammates, chucklenu-... er, trucks. And maybe if yer gimme the bazooka, ‘n go wash yer hands, we’ll talk about cookies fer dessert, alright?”

Never before in living memory had one of the REDs relinquished control of one of their weapons so fast, even ta a teammate. Demo and Solly racing one another outta the room to wash their hands… anything ta get one of the cookies Scout’s Ma’d sent that mornin’ in the mail. Heh, she’d made ‘em inta little ghosts ‘n shit, tryin’ ta be ‘spooky’ ta fit in with the whole Halloween theme’a things. Ironic, really, considerin’ that was half the reason this crazy shit was going down.

But on the other hand, they were excellent fer coercin’ ya team inta completin’ tasks that needed doing.

RED Scout didn’t even get ta blink before the twin terrors were back infront’a him, hands out fer inspection ta show that yeah, they were definitely clean.

“Ya promise not ta blow anymore shi-... er, stuff up?” He asks, heading to the kitchen to grab the jar of baked goods the rest’a the team were hankering after.

“WE PROMISE NOT TO USE THE ROCKET LAUNCHER AGAIN!” shouted Solly, saluting. Demo copying, trying not ta giggle as the pair shot suspicious looks between ‘em.

Scout paused. “Oi, y’might think yer being clever, but ‘m not an idiot guys. There were seven of us at home, y’think I can’t see the loophole in that statement… think again. Promise ya won’t go snatchin’ up the weapons I took away from ya ta keep ya idiots safe, an’ ya can have a freakin’ cookie.”

“Oh aye, we promise al’right?” grumbles the Demo, glaring with his one good eye.

Not being a complete fool, Scout knows the two’re gonna find a way around the whole ‘Don’t Blow Shit Up’ rule, but hey, he’ll burn that bridge when they get ta it. Or, y’know, however that saying goes.

“Yeah, fine, good enough fer now. Ya can have one,” he stresses the word, while offering the jar to ‘em. “But don’t go runnin’ off, ‘cause it’s almost dinner, an’ if I have ta come catch ya, it ain’t gonna be fun fer any of us.”

The pair nod solemnly, and it’s real hard to take ‘em serious when Solly’s helmet falls over his eyes like that. If only Spy hadn’t stolen his camera last week, this could be freakin’ hilarious blackmail.

An’ also proof it happened. Y’know, for when he managed ta change’em back ta normal.

Fuckin’ Merasmus.

                                                              -)0(-

TBC.