#mebackin2010

[tohoberry]

Foolish 

(written on December 20, 2010)

They are finally coming back, it was about time they did. this year has been tiring. Taking diferent paths, they made their decision and we respect that, wait no we, not everyone will think the way I do.. I respect their decision, I have never had clear why they decided it, something about a beauty cream company, creativity, money and freedom. Still am not clear about it, it was their choice, that's their life. Am just a foolish person for supporting them no matter what.

You might think that this "obssession" (that's how even I call it) for a boy group it's childish and inmature. I don't disagree with that, it is childish and inmature. No. It was childish and inmature: because it became love. And being in love with 5 guys it's even worse than being childish and inmature. And you might say that's not love, you don't even know them. I do know them, because they are honest. As honest as they can be, but honest either way. When you worry about someone, when you care about that persons health, when you care about that persons opinion, when you see that person smile, and you also smile, when you feel helpless because you just want to see that person smiles but you can't even calm its pain, and you do everything in your might to relieve it, even if it's just a little bit. Don't you love that someone? I love the 5 of them, and it's not like a I want to marry with one of them and drool the rest of my life because of their handsome faces. I just want them to be happy becuase it makes me happy. Selfish, I know, I know. I decided this to be my first entry here, because reality affected me today, because this blog is going to be the place where I'll freely talk about them, and let everything out. They are split and that affected me. All this time I have been in my little bubble, chanting my self: "they are the same", "they have never changed" If you ask me why do I love TVXQ. I won't be able to answer that question with confidence, becuase I don't even know the true reason myself. If I loved them because they are really good looking, I would be in love wiht BSB or Take That, or N'sync or just any boy group that has a bunch of cute guys. The truth is that for people to be chosen to be in a musical group, they have to be appealing. So it's not that.. then it is because of their cuteness? I can have a great time with it, but not, that's not it. Because they are funny? nope. Because they are 5 and five has always been my favorite number since that was the first multiplication table I learnt? nope. It was because of their team work. I've always been alone in my entire life. I've always thought that if I want something to be good, I have to do it myself, asking for help is a waste of time and effort. And at that time I was so damn alone, deciding what to do with my life, just stay stucked or go and fight for a dream? does dreams come true? I believe now that they do. thanks to them, am happy or sad, or worried, or anything. Thanks to them I could actually live and realize that the only way you gain something is fighting for it, is taking a lot of pain, sweat and blood. And if I go for the music field... They are amazing. They have a least one song for each mood. For even when you don't want to listen to nothing at all. They have they really cheesy bubble gum pop songs, that you would only love in you teens, no doubt about it. It was a challenge for them to be considerate more than an "idol group" that an actual group of music. There are so many songs, that am sure I would be listening to when I'll be on my 30s. they have perfect harmonization. They can compose, and write, and play instruments, they are talented. They have what it takes to be in the music field. This is when I blame us. Because for them being an "idol group" a group of perfect five boys that are not more than human being that are not perfect, because we are obssessed with them, we care too much about them, we daydream the whole day with them, we buy anything that has their face on it, anything that come from their lips is an angel's comand and we go and do it, because we are so foolish in love with 5 people that have no idea of our existence as individuals... then comes marketing and publicity and reputation and money and contract deals and all that sh*t. So if there is anyone to turn the finger of blame, its on us, because we love them and people who loves gets hurts. This is how love is so painfully beautiful. Is not SM faults. because I don't know what was going trough those five minds when they sign that paper. I don't know what on earth does the paper says. I have not the correct aknowledge to determine if its fare or not. If SM has the fault in something its about them having the tools to make people famous, and make artists. I don't know anything about that world, so things has to be the way they are for some reason, it'll probably be money, may be not. Still is not SM's fault that this world is ruled for a tiny piece of paper. We could blame it of being greed. But wich business doesn't greed for money? Is not JYJ faults because wanting to be free and spread your wings and want to sing about anything you want, wanting to not be smiling the whole day and feign that everything is perfect when it isn't, it's human nature. They got tired, and I can't blame them for that, I have never been adored by millions of fans being photographed another billion, being told what to sing, what to wear, when appear, what to say, being asked about my life, and not having one at all. I've never been in their shoes, so who am I to judge them? Is not the new TVXQ faults (I got sick of call them HoMin when they call themselves TVXQ) it's about their time to finally shine, to finally perform, because that's actually all they know how to do, all they want to do. It kind of bothers me that they actually call themselves tvxq because its not the same without 5 members. But they have all the right of being called tvxq, they all won that spot in our hearts with effort, not just for the pretty name, but I can't help myself, it bothers me. This is one thign I could blame on SM, but again, was I there when they decided to came back? would you came back with that huge name, reputation you had all over the world with less than the half of people you use to work with? I understand why are they scared to hell. I would've rather to change my name, so I won't have to carry that amount of pressure. They have to work 10 times harder, they have to fill 3 empty spots, not dissapoint any one, and sing and dance 10 times better to fill the stage. Is not that they can't.. of course they can each of them can handle a world tour and rule it. But when you are used to be in a group, to be in charge of part of the job, to enjoy your work, to have someone that knows exactly what you are going trough because he is part of your team. It's hard to let that go, and go to face the world on your own. It's hard for everyone to go away from home and make your own. I'm not going to support any of them more than the other because I'm a self proclaimed cassiopeia, and when I decided that, I decided to be Jaejoong's, Yunho's, Yoochun's, Junsu's and Changmin's fan I knew the time would come when they would take seperate ways and each one do whatever they wanted to. Actually I just want to each of them do whatever they want, act, produce, write, compose, go into law school, protect animals, anything! is their life! I can't not even wait to listen to the leader sing a ballad by himself to remind me why is he a TVXQ member. I can't wait to see in the great men they are becoming, I can't wait to envy their wifes, and trying to find someone like them for me. They deserve to live as much as any human being in this world. So its no fair to blame any one. Because in the end, everyone is guilty. My selfish little wish is to be able to see them perform as 5 , live! with me being part of the red ocean. It was my wish before all this begun and it'll be until it'll become true. Is a dream that am not the only one who has to fight for. Actually makes me sad that it could never be reachable and not because of me... Either way, I still have to study, have a job, save money for the trip... So take all the time you need to be five again, I won't push you, I don't want to see you suffer trying to make something that is out of your hands. It depresses me that you are not free at all, that you have to carry such a big burden on you, that it's also my fault and there is nothing I can do to remend it. It's not fair, it's not fair that JYJ can't perform in their own country, it's unfair that Yunho and Changmin can't talk about the matter, and have to carry so much pressure, it's not fair that things turned out this way.  I'll just stand by you, because am helpless and that brings me back to earth and reminds me whats truly important in life. No one can predict the future. All we can do is keep the faith that someday everything gets better, all we can do is learn from the past, remember it with a bitter smile, and never forget it. Your story has just begun, don't tear out the pages, nothing can be misspelled. Because it's yours.

                                         Thank you, thank you for everything                                              This shining feeling is a gift from you                                 It's taught me that we can support each other,                                                Gaze into each others eyes,                                                              And that I'm not alone                                                                       Because I'm with you

I wrote this on centimeterisloved.blogspot.com. I deleted that blog today but I did not want this to go to waste because surprisingly I still agree with most of this.