#meanwhile sasha would be like hell yeah let's kill this bitch

[no-naem]

Marcy Wu and Yuzuki Fuwa would get along SO well. 

[chaoticpinetree]

So I had a flight today, it was an hour late which was annoying because you know, well, over an hour more at the airport, but I listened to. So many TMA episodes before, during and after the flight. Except the start because I slept through that, like half an hour, then woke up in the air. And I had a brief moment of looking out of the window and gasping like wow... I can see the constellations... And then they turned the lights back on in the plane :C

Anyway so TMA!

So let me start by saying that the fact that Jon tried cutting his own finger off is absolutely deranged, so is the fact that he goes oh well Boneturner would be useful I guess and Melanie goes hah funny thing about that— And then it turns out that Helen is just hanging out around still. I still think that Jon is taking the whole 'being Helen except not' thing too personally.

"If I'm an it, Archivist, what does that make you?" exactly

So! Jon got Daisy out! And if Elias is to be believed (obviously he's a lying bastard who can't be trusted but you know, I guess sometimes he tells the truth) he's the first person ever to do so, which is... Quite impressive. What's slightly terrifying though is that The Buried is just absolutely filled with these tormented people who can just... Never die. Just... Jesus. Literally hell?

But Jon and Daisy are out! And Martin was the one who left the tapes! I wonder if they actually helped. They must've done something. But Jon's rib couldn't've been meaningless either, I think.

Well anyway they're out so that's good, Daisy is now traumatised which is slightly less good, but at least she doesn't want to kill Jon anymore and so Jon has someone around who doesn't want him dead, so that's something!

And Peter Lukas is being shady (or, hehe, foggy) and manipulating Martin while Martin knows... I wonder how that'll go. I mean probably pretty badly, the comics from the Lonely angst were some of the ones that convinced me to listen to TMA lmao

ALSO the fact that Daisy figured well, Basira is trapped here anyway, so she broke into Peter's office, stole an employment contract and signed one for herself queen

But yeah. Anyway and also this exchange?

Daisy: You need to stop moping. Jon: I what? Daisy: You need to stop swanning around, being all sad. Jon: I, I’m not swanning around Daisy: "Boo hoo I am so alone and a monster” Jon: I am alone. Martin is— Daisy: Busy doing paperwork. Not like he’s dead. Besides, he’s not the only other person here, you know. There’s me, Melanie, Basira— Jon: Traumatised, traumatised, and paranoid because of me.

10/10 brilliant lmao. There's so much here. The fact that Daisy can pinpoint Jon's issues and make fun of them in such a perfect and accurate way. The fact that Jon only focused on the fact that Martin is gone (well also Tim and Sasha) and Daisy's like dude we're still here. Well obviously a lot can be unpacked, one would argue that two traumatised people who also both tried to kill Jon in the past + one paranoid person who does not trust Jon at all, maaaaybe aren't the best company. But hey.

Anyway also this exchange between Elias and Martin: Martin: You love manipulating people. Elias: That makes two of us. Like bitch what? Martin? I mean sure he's got an inner bastard but come on, Elias. Come on. We all know you're a bigger one.

And I also listened to 141 which is pretty neat because Jon forces a statement out of someone and I'm just like *sees a monstrous trait out in the daylight* *screams from excitement* and I think the short argument between Jon and Basira after that was... Interesting.

Basira comes off as a hypocrite this season, because like, she wants Jon to be more cold and ruthless like Gertrude was, but whenever he displays any trait that could count as such, whenever he shows his inhuman side more, she's unhappy about that. Meanwhile Jon is indeed, as Daisy said, moping, and the thing is that he can't be like Gertrude. Because he does not see people as tools to be used and discarded, sacrificed to stop any apocalypse. He specifically said multiple times that he does not want to lose anyone else. That he went to the Buried himself because he didn't want to risk anybody else's life and he figured if he fails, worst case scenario is the world simply loses another monster. Which, like, damn, dark much, but well it kind of shows that Jon, if he was ever to become like Gertrude, would need a lot of character development—or, well, character corruption I guess—and I don't think that's going to happen because he's just so far from that kind of person that it wouldn't be feasible, especially since we've only got 1,5 season left now.

Well anyway so I don't get Basira because she's like 'yea ruthlessness to save the world' but when Jon forces a statement out of a random guy she's like 'oh :/ but he's gonna have nightmares until the end of his life now :/' like well yes but he's unharmed and alive?

EXCEPT I also agree with Basira on the detail that she thought Jon should care about this. Because he should. Except part of me is also not surprised that after not being trusted, after Basira wanting to use him, after she told him to be more like Gertrude and to be stronger because well she needs him to be, why should he be blamed for finally listening? But well.

Well it's all a very messy situation honestly and I understand why it's hard for everyone I'm just. Rambling a lot of my observations.

ALSO THIS

Basira: Have you got a pen? Jon: Uhh – Yeah, i-in the drawer. Basira: *opens the drawer* Ah, John. What’s this? Jon: Hm? Oh. That’s… I, th, uh – that’s my rib. Basira: *short silence* Right. Jon: Yep. Basira: And… the jar of ashes. Jon: Not – not, m,mine – I mean, it belongs to me, I, I, I guess, but it’s not – stationery is in the, uh, other drawer. PLEASE lmao 10/10 too

Anyway the description of the next episode left me SO excited so I'm gonna go listen to that now :3

[staytiny-angel]

Safe Haven 2/?

Co-written with @scream-qween

Pairings: Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch, Eventually Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch/Seth Rollins, Jon Moxley/Renee Young, Sasha Banks/Bayley/Charlotte Flair

Warnings: Violence, Language

Word Count: 1799

Summary: After an 8-year absence, 25-year-old Seth Rollins returns home to his pack but in no way resembling the Beta Werewolf that ran away after a violent misunderstanding with his brothers.

Seth is feral, and trapped in a form the bitten wolf shouldn't even be capable of, it turns out that he is the victim of a powerful curse that would make him a mindless slave.

Meanwhile Alpha Werewolf Drew McIntyre and his Part Banshee, Part Sea Witch mate Becky Lynch have joined the unorthodox pack of Haven in search of the final member of the Triad a seer told the pair they were destined to be apart of.

Taglist: @sethsevolution  @feathers-and-flesh-and-wrestling @deepdisireslonging  @writtingrose  @pikapuff316 @hitory--chan @finnsauroraborealis @the-beastslayers-queen

Becky slowly walked toward the cage, not taking her eyes away from the deadly predator currently staring at her with golden-brown eyes. Kneeling next to her mate she took his hand in hers and hesitantly reached through the thick sliver infused bars with the other.

Seth lifted his massive body up to sniff almost delicately at her hand before whining in the back of his throat and laying back down.

"I believe that's a 'Yes, you can touch me', Spitfire" Drew says with a slight smile.

Becky took a deep breath and reached into the bars again waiting until Seth lifted his head up to smell it once more. "If he bites me, I'm killing Reigns" she muttered. Much to her surprise however, Seth let out a content like a sigh and nudged her hand with his snout.

"He let you touch him?!" Roman exclaimed in surprise, causing Seth to growl at the sound of his big brother's voice

"Shut the fuck up, Alpha," Becky said quietly, "If he bites me I'll fucking drown you, dry land or no"

"Shhh, It's okay." Becky uncharacteristically cooed gently at the trapped wolf "That big dumb brother of yours won't say another fucking word."

Becky started to chant underneath her breath and an ocean blue light surrounded both the hand holding Drew's and the one she had placed on Seth's head.

Seth closed his eyes, sighing, revealing dark brown eyes, as Becky's magic faded. "Becky!" Drew yelled as the redhead almost collasped. "I'm fine, he's fine"

Seth barked in response, wagging his tail. "Fucking dork" Roman chuckled

"You might want to get the siren" Becky said shaking her head to clear it. "That curse is a fucked up thing, it's powered from his life energy. I managed to block it from siphoning more off of him but I don't know how long my shield will last"

Becky stood up and flipped the latches on the cage door and opened it. Seth practically lept at the redhead knocking her back down

"Becky!" Drew called out

"I'm okay," Becky said on an almost giggle as the 400-pound werewolf licked her face and nuzzled at her like an overgrown puppy

The sounds of footsteps pounded down the basement stairs as Hunter, Stephanie, Mox and another heavily bearded man with an acoustic guitar strapped across his back filled the basement

"Hey baby brother," Mox said as Seth ran over to him, Stephanie petting his head. Roman slowly got up and left, Seth noticing and whining. "He's wondering about that" Elias said, sounding bored. "Give him time to adjust honey, he hasn't forgiven himself"

Seth yipped in response shaking his head "You've been gone a long time doll, shit changes." Elias told him before sitting cross-legged in front of the wolf and placing a hand on Seth's head, a green glow surrounding both of them. "Whatever shield you put up against the curse...magic can get through to him easily now." He says to Becky

"Don't get used to this, brat." The acerbic man tells Seth, "You owe me free coffee and a place to perform for the rest of my life once you get your shop up and running. No offense to Cesaro, but his coffee will never be as good as yours"

Seth somehow managed to make an expression of disgust and grunted at the siren

"Now you and your Alpha will hold up your end of the bargain?" Drew asked Mox.

"Sure, if you like sharing your food with a pair of vampires" Mox replied with a shit-eating grin

"WHAT?! You betray our kind" Drew snapped, Seth, stepping in between them and barking.

"He says thank you for helping him but please don't disrespect his family, ANY of his family," Elias says to Drew quietly

"Violet babysat him when he was little" Stephanie says "Finn played Lego with him, they are his family. We only found him in the woods because Violet smelled the blood from the mansion" the older witch shook her head.

"If Violet and Finn had been anything other then Vampires, they absolutely would have raised him themselves. It broke their hearts just as much as ours when he left" Hunter added

Seth whined "Oh yeah kid, you're in deep shit. Queenie is gonna get you for running off like a little bitch" Elias says with a nasty smirk

Seth looked down guiltily and nudged his brother. Mox immediately began petting his head. "Who did this to you?" Drew asked Seth who barked in response

"What?!" Elias' magic flashed poison green before settling back into a more mellow shade "Paul Heyman?! He says he went looking for his birth parents. He wanted to know where he came from...about a year ago he got in a fight with Heyman's pet monster and ended up like this. Hold on you've been like this for a fucking year?!" Elias exclaimed "You were trapped in full shift for a year. You were only feral for 3 months the best that you can guess?"

Seth whined, and looked down. "Seth, honey. Why didn't you tell me? I could have found them" Stephanie said.

"He didn't want to" Mox said. "That's what we fought about. I said that they were probably dead. Ro...he said he'd be turning his back on us if he went looking for them. Roman lost his temper and attacked him, that's why Seth ran"

Seth howled "I'm sorry little brother. I...shouldn't have said that bullshit." Mox says dropping to the ground and wrapping his arms around his brother.

"That's where I know that curse from" Stephanie says quietly "Heyman. He developed it. It strips Born Shifters of their humanity....holy shit. That's why it didn't work on you, Starshine. Heyman's curse only works fully on Born Shifters. He must have assumed you were one."

"We have to turn Seth back to normal first," Mox said firmly. "Before I rip Heyman to pieces"

"Take him to Finn and Violet," Elias said, "You can turn him back now I assume?" He says looking at Becky and Stephanie

Stephanie nodded looking at Becky "If you can keep your shield spell up, I know the counter curse for this. I've done it for someone else in our pack that used to be one of Heyman's pets. Cesaro wasn't under it for as long as Seth has been."

"Your gonna need a big ass circle for this one, boss lady." Elias told her "and you are definitely gonna need Balor to fortify it. A lot of energy is pent up inside Twinkle here."

"Can I ask what's with all the star references? He wears a shooting star necklace too." Becky asks

Seth dropped to the floor in embarrassment, "Oh its because he's obsessed with space." Stephanie explained with a smile "He wanted to be an Astronomer when he was a little boy"

Seth let out a series of mumbles that made Elias chuckle. "He still has that potty mouth"

"Do you think Heyman knows that the spell didn't work on Seth?" Hunter finally speaks up

"Let's hope he didn't think it wasn't powerful enough, last thing we need is him boosting his magic" Stephaine replies

"Are you strong enough for this?" Stephanie asked Becky, who nodded. "Let's finish it and bring him back." The younger woman replied

"Come on Seth," his mother told him. "Time to face your other set of parents."

The group headed along the path that winded through the south woods that bordered Haven to a large mansion that looked like It had been dropped there from the Victorian era.

"This place makes so much sense now that we know who lives inside." Becky told her mate.

"Yeah" Drew grumbled, still unhappy about this turn of events.

Seth had stuck close to the pair the entire walk, at times dancing around them and nipping at their heels like he was excited about something.

Elias looked down at the wolf and snorted "You know all hell is about to break loose when everyone figures that out right?"

Seth barked at him, giving his friend a wolfy smirk before he turned to Mox, with an evil glint in his eyes.

"Don't you fucking dare-" Mox was suddenly shoved down, landing in dirt, Seth howling at him, looking at Drew and Becky, the pair laughing.

"You little shit" Mox growled, taking his jacket off before shifting himself, turning into a reddish brown wolf before tackling Seth.

"What will cause all hell to break loose?" Becky asked Elias

The siren let out a rusty laugh, like it wasn't a sound he made often "I hope the two of you like living in Haven. He won't want to leave again anytime soon" he says cryptically before taking the guitar off his back and strumming it as he walked along

"He won't want to leave again?" Becky whispered to her mate "He as in Seth?"

"I don't understand love. Sirens are...cheeky" He teased.

"Damn right" Becky grinned, slapping Drew on the ass before continuing her path.

The group came across a wolf sitting on the stairs, jumping from his spot. "Hey Baron" Elias greeted. "We need to see Finn and Violet"

Baron looked at the blond streaked wolf and let out a howl.

"Yep, your senses aren't betraying you, the Prince has returned" Elias answered him

The huge black wolf spun and ran up the stairs of the mansion barking his head off.

"Baron!" a woman's French-accented voice called out, "What is that racket you are making Mon Loup?"

An unnaturally pale but beautiful blue-haired woman came into view followed by a bearded man with short brown hair.

"Finn, Violet something happened while you were away from home" Stephanie says

Violet sniffed at the air, and gasped at the familiar, long missed scent "My baby?!"

Seth barked and ran forward, Drew unknowingly tensing. "I missed you Chaton," Violet said, kissing his furry head.

"Why is he fully shifted….he shouldn't be able…." Violet started to ask as she unceremoniously sat on the foyer floor and pulled the huge wolf into her lap. Finn sat down next to her and Seth immediately moved so that he was draped across both Vampires as he growled softly at them.

"Hey twinkle? My French and Gaelic are both real fucking rusty, would ya mind thinking in English?" Elias sighed rubbing his temples. "I know. I know. Automatic reaction to being with your Vampiric parental units. Apology accepted."

"He says….Twinkle I know, that part has to be in French I do know that word." Elias rolls his eyes in exasperation "He says he's sorry for leaving without telling you, Maman."

"Do it again and I'll kick your fuzzy little ass" Violet says quietly, but with feeling

Finn sat there petting Seth before saying "Don't you EVER worry us like that again." A low growl entered his voice, his eyes flashing blood red. "All THREE of us will kick your ass."

[showmeurmoves]

WWE: Out of Business ch.6

@rocketgirl2410

The superstars met up at the usual warehouse where Shane McMahon was standing at the podium.

“We’ve hit a major milestone. As of today, we’ve made a million dollars,” said Shane.

The superstars cheered and began hugging each other.

“Before we end this meeting does anyone have any questions?” asked Shane.

Kevin Owens raised his hand.

“Does anybody know where Vince is?” asked Kevin.

Triple H, Shane, and Stephanie all shook their heads. Another superstar raised their hand.

“If you say anything about my dad doing porn I swear your contract won’t be renewed,” Stephanie said angrily.

The superstar quietly put his hand down. Seth Rollins walked into the warehouse. His shirt was torn and he was covered with bandages.

“Damn, what happened to you?” asked Kevin.

“I got mauled by a demon dog at work!” yelled Seth.

He sat down and took off his hat.

“I hate working at PetSmart, and I’m not even making any money,” said Seth.

Xavier Woods sat next to Seth.

“You should start a YouTube channel and make money off that like me,” said Xavier.

Bayley became interested and scooted forward.

“Can you really make money from YouTube?” asked Bayley

“If you hit a certain number of subscribers. Then you can become a full time YouTuber and start getting paid for your videos,” Xavier explained.

There was chatter amongst the superstars with ideas on how they can use social media for profit. Some of the women discussed using their Instagram for sponsors and others talked about using their twitter accounts. The Revival came up with an idea.

“Maybe we should start a YouTube channel,” said Dash Wilder.

“That might be a good idea considering neither of us found jobs yet,” said Scott Dawson.

“Let’s look at some videos to get some inspiration,” said Dash.

They took their laptop and went to the corner. They spent hours looking at videos of different of wrestlers and non-wrestlers.

“Hey, the Bella Twins have a channel,” said Scott. “Let’s see what they got”.

They clicked on a video with a thumbnail of Brie.

“I’m going to change Birdie’s diaper,” said Brie in the video.

“Never mind, I don’t wanna see that,” said Scott before turning the video off.

They continued to scroll down the page.

“Hey, look there’s a video with Cody Rhodes in it,” Dash pointed out. “Let’s see what he has to talk about”.

They clicked on the video.

“Fuck The Revival!” yelled Cody in the video.

The Revival blankly stared at the screen.

“Oh, hell no” said Scott and Dash.

Finn Balor and Sami Zayn were on their way to the warehouse to train. Since there were no meetings they figured the warehouse would be empty. When they got inside they saw The Revival with The Uso’s and Elias Samson with recording equipment.

“What’s going on here?” asked Sami.

“Cody Rhodes made a video about us so we’re going to make a disrespectful song about him,” explained Dash.

Finn and Sami looked confused.

“What?” asked Finn.

“He means a diss track,” Jey Uso clarified.

“Just warning you, this is not going to end well,” said Jimmy Uso.

“I know what I’m doing,” said Dash. “Now turn me up in the headphones”.

Meanwhile, The Young Bucks were in their hotel room watching YouTube videos. Cody Rhodes came and sat with them.

“What are you guys watching?” asked Cody Rhodes.

Matt and Nick Jackson turned the laptop over to him.

“You definitely need to see this,” said Nick.

Cody looked confused at the screen.

“Cody Rhodes diss track?” he read.

Cody clicked on the video. The video showed Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson in an empty warehouse with headphones rapping into a mic. Elias Samson was behind them strumming a guitar.

“You went and dissed us on your video. Now you gotta pay” Said Scott Dawson before the beat came on. He rapped to the beat of “Charlie Sheen” by Lil B.

“Mr. Gingivitis (needs a new crest) Your breath kicks, smells stank like Roto Rooter Pose in pink panties like a hoe (in your pictures) You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) Breath stank like a sink in a small shack You need teeth, to eat a big mac You go both ways (like Trey Songz) You like a Hostess (with a ding dong)”

Matt and Nick Jackson laughed while Cody watched in horror. The song continued.

“Pour ketchup, on your salty fries Sesame seed on a bun for the pregnant guys Tell your friends Matt and Nick to move over You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) You go both waaaays like Trey Songz You like a hostess (with a ding dong) Tell your friends Matt and Nick to move over You ain’t got no teeth (eat Gerber) Fuck Cody Rhodes”.

The beat finally went off. Cody was enraged while the Young Bucks were laughing.

“Can you believe this bullshit?! We have to do something about this!” yelled Cody.

“What do you mean ‘we’ have to do something?” asked Nick.

“He dissed you, not us,” said Matt.

The video still had a few seconds left.

“And Fuck the Young Bucks too” said Dash.

Now Matt and Nick were upset.

“Oh no, we’re gonna get them,” said Nick.

Back at the warehouse, Triple H gathered the superstars together for a meeting.

“We have a serious issue to talk about,” said Triple H.

Triple H pulled out a laptop and went to YouTube. He played a video and turned it towards the superstars. The video had Cody Rhodes and the Young Bucks in a recording studio.

“So The Revival thought it was cool to diss us?” said Cody. We’re gonna show them a real diss”.

Cody rapped to the beat of “Black Friday” by Lil Kim.

“Who the fuck want war? Fed-Ex beef straight to your front door It'll be a murder scene, I'm turning your payday to Friday the 13th. Aight you Revival clowns, All this buffoonery shit stops now Time for you to lay down, I'm sick of the fraud, I put hands on these bitches like a spa massage We all know your look is what got you your job, You's a put together gimmick, somethin’ like a collage. Since you're putting on a show you gon’ get the applause - Clap clap with your frame like a fucking garage (Yeaaaah) This rap shit, Scott and Dash ain't built for -- This the shit the other bitch almost got killed for I'm still counting what Hard Core generated Bet my shit keep spendin’ like a syndicated Corny broads, I leave you bloody like you menstruated You hot air ass bitchs shoulda BEEN deflated. This ain't a championship fight, I BEEN the greatest Fuck the Revival”.

The video finished and Triple H closed his laptop.

“This video has already gone viral. Something like this could make the company look bad. How the hell are we supposed to fix this?” Triple H asked glaring at The Revival.

“We could diss them back,” answered Scott.

“That’s what got us here in the first place,” said Stephanie McMahon.

“We told them this was a bad idea,” said Jimmy Uso.

“I say we just ignore it,” suggested Stephanie. “We don’t want to risk starting a rivalry with another company”.

“Maybe a rivalry isn’t a such a bad thing,” said Shane McMahon. Everyone in the room looked at him with confusion.

“Remember how popular our company got during the Monday Night Wars? The competition brought ratings to both companies, until WCW went under. This rap beef might help us,” Shane explained.

Triple H took a moment to think about it.

“You know, it’s so crazy it just might work” said Triple H. “We’re gonna diss them back”.

Scott and Dash’s eyes lit up.

“Not you guys though. Your diss sucked,” said Triple H. “Finn, AJ, you guys are gonna do the diss”.

Finn looked confused.

“Why us?” asked Finn

“You guys used to be in the Bullet Club, so it makes sense,” answered Triple H.

“Can they even rap?” asked Stephanie.

“It doesn’t matter, we’ll just hire ghostwriters” answered Triple H.

A few days later some of the superstars were at the warehouse writing the next diss track.

“Check out this line right here. This bar is dope” said Finn. He showed the paper to AJ. Sasha Banks rolled her eyes.

“How did we get roped into this?” asked Sasha.

“Shane promised screen time to anyone who helped write the song or showed up in the video. And you actually agreed to it,” answered Bayley. Bayley turned to the Uso’s.

“Thanks for helping us write most of the song,” said Bayley.

“We’re just doing it for more screen time when the company starts back up” said Jimmy.

“But I’m letting you guys know, this is a terrible idea” said Jey.

Finn Balor and AJ Styles response was posted on YouTube. Finn mostly rapped while Sasha and Bayley posed in the background. Finn rapped to the beat of Stupid Hoe.

“I get it cracking like a bad back Cody talkin he the king when she looking like a lab rat We Angelina, ya’ll Jennifer Come on bitch, you see where Brad at?

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

Cause I pull up and I’m stuntin but I ain't a stuntman Yes I’m rockin Jordans but I ain't a jumpman Bitches play the back cuz they know I’m the frontman Put me on a dollar cause I’m who they trust in Ayo AJ, what the fuck’s good? We stay winnin gold, them bitches winnin wood Them nappy headed hoes, but my kitchen good I wish I wish I wish I wish a bitch would

You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, you a you a stupid hoe You a stupid hoe, yeah you a you a stupid hoe”

Cody and the Young Bucks watched in horror as AJ Styles went up for his verse.

“Look Cody, go back to ya habitat Adam Cole gone and I ain't havin that How you gonna be the stunt double to somebody monkey?? Top of that I’m in the Phantom lookin hella chonky

Ice my wrist-es then I piss on bitches You could suck my diznick, if you take these jizzes You don’t like them disses, give my ass some kisses Yeah they know what this is, give bitches the business

'Cause I pull up in the Porsche but it ain't de Rossi Pretty bitches only could get in my posse Hey, yo Young Bucks, fuck you and your EP Who’s gassing these hoes? BP? Hmm.. thinks 1, 2, 3, do the AJ Styles blink 'Cause these hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty These bitches is my sons and I don't want custody Hoes so busted, hoes is so crusty these bitches is my sons and I don't want custody……”

Cody Rhodes slammed the laptop shut.

“Ok that tears it!” yelled Cody while clenching his fist. “This isn’t a rap beef anymore. Now this is personal”.

Cody Rhodes and the rest of the Bullet Club stormed the WWE headquarters. They were carrying weapons intending to destroy anyone and anything inside. When they got to the entrance they noticed all the lights were out.

“What the hell? Is nobody here right now?” asked Cody.

Bad Luck Fale found a note on the front entrance.

“Out of business until further notice,” read Bad Luck Fale.

Cody looked confused.

“Out of business? What?” asked Cody.

“This must why explain why none of their shows have been airing lately,” said Nick.

Cody looked disappointed.

“How are we supposed to find them now?” asked Cody.

“Finn posted a picture of himself recording on his Instagram,” said Matt. “He tagged his location in it”.

Matt showed his phone to Cody.

“Change of plans. We’re now going to wherever this place is!” said Cody.

The men took their weapons and went back to their van.

Back at the warehouse the superstars were having a meeting. Triple H stood at the front of the podium.

“So, we have a serious topic to discuss. What are we having for lunch?” asked Triple H.

Moments later the Bullet Club busted into the room.

“Where’s The Revival?!” yelled Cody.

Everyone in the room pointed out Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder. Many scooted away from them to avoid any trouble.

“Ya’ll ain’t shit” said Dash.

Cody and some of the Bullet Club members ran up on The Revival. Cody was about to hit one of them until Sasha stepped in the way.

“Wait hold on! You guys shouldn’t be fighting over a stupid rap video,” said Sasha.

“Weren’t you in the video?” asked Cody.

“Huh?”

Cody pushed Sasha out the way and pulled up Scott by his collar. Shane stepped in and separated the two.

“Sasha’s right. This beef was just intended to get views on YouTube and now it’s getting out of hand” said Shane. Cody began to calm down.

“We shouldn’t be fighting and dissing each other,” Shane went on.

“I guess your right,” said Cody as he tossed his weapon.

“We should be dissing the guys in Lucha Underground!” said Shane.

Everyone’s eyes lit up.

“I actually like that idea,” said Nick. “That could bring ratings to all of our companies”.

“Let’s start writing a diss track now!” said Cody.

He and many of the other superstars left to help film the video.

A while later Triple H and Stephanie were the only ones left in the warehouse.

“How much longer do they have this recording equipment for?” asked Stephanie.

“I think they have it rented for another week. Why?” asked Triple H.

“I just wanted to record something for you?” said Stephanie while winking. Triple H turned the equipment on.

“There’s no need to wait” said Triple H.

Stephanie put on the headphones and started rapping in the mic. The beat for “My Neck My Back” was playing in the background.

“All you ladies pop your pussy like this Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss All you ladies pop your pussy like this Shake your body, don't stop, don't miss Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now Lick it good suck this pussy, just like you should Right now, Lick it good suck this pussy just like you should My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack”.

Triple H bobbed his head while Stephanie kept rapping.

“She sounds great doesn’t she?” asked Seth Rollins as he bobbed his head to the music. Triple H glared at him until he quietly walked away. When Seth left, Triple H turned the music up.

“My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack My Neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack”.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - The Meritocratic Republic of Smackdown

Don’t forget that Emma, who writes this stuff, can be found on Twitter as @Waruce.

Transmission date: Monday 17/Tuesday 18 April 2017

.

just according to keikaku, it's SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

.

we open on a recap video of the interview/murder of roman reigns last week, and i'm already giggling

.

this is like the fourth time i've watched it, and it's still great

.

cut to the arena, which is in ohio state university this week, anBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAUGGHHHHHHHHHH

.

and...booker t is on announce?

.

because apparently otunga's off doing a movie

.

so for a few weeks we get aimless chat about ducks

.

hurrah

.

braun's just like yeah i killed roman last week deal with it

.

he's proud to have stopped him coming tonight

.

the crowd agree

.

cue yes chants for a murder

.

promises to kill the rest of the roster, enter kurt to presumably suggest that he not do that

.

blue jeans and shirt jacket, because kurt angle is just like you and me

.

kurt's just like dude what exactly are you trying to prove

.

and giving us a brauman match at payback

.

braun's like fuck payback what about tonight

.

to which kurt takes the reasonable stance of 'you tried to kill your colleague, take the week off'

.

so braun threatens him with some more or else

.

and stomps off

.

later, we have sasha/nia/mickie/alexa contendership match, dean guesting on miztv, and jericho/joe

.

that latter is next

.

but first, here's seth for a presumably unrelated segment

.

now with robocop tights

.

hurt his knee so badly he just said fuck it and got robot ones

.

oh ok, he's on announce

.

i can get behind this

.

he can balance out the bookerness a bit

.

oh yeah, it's because we're setting up joe/seth at payback

.

enter some WOMP

.

points balefully at seth as he passes, seth sits there like hey dude go fuck yourself

.

recap video of kevin and joe fucking jericho up

.

it's so weird seeing jericho's new tron

.

and he's still got the amazing sparkly christmas scarf from mania

.

outstanding

.

graphic for kevin/chris at payback, kevin is shaven and in a suit and i'm still not ok with it

.

commence to fighting

.

seth does a bit about how much he wants all of samoa joe

.

d'awwww

.

joe tries to climb back into the ring, jericho springboard dropkicks him off the apron and he hits his chin on it on the way down

.

nice

.

the panel take a while to completeyl ignore the match and talk about seth's mania match

.

chris actually lands a lionsault properly, so maybe keep an eye out for rains of fire and ominous horsemen on your commute today

.

joe fucks a top rope splash, chris locks in the walls

.

joe says fuck going for the ropes, muscles out of it twice

.

and gets the coquina clutch on chris

.

jericho tries to get out of it by going up the turnbuckle, doesn't go well

.

and finally taps

.

weird anticlimax there as you see the spark of willpower die inside the forces of good

.

but to be fair, it's better than super quick tapping

.

joe immediately gets a mic so he can roar at seth

.

and do a monologue about the sound of him fucking seth's knee up

.

and how much he didn't care

.

and yet has memorised every sound of it and will monologue at a moment's notice

.

just keep telling yourself that, joe

.

apparently joe is also taking personally everything seth did to hunter and steph

.

seth gets on the announce table to shout back

.

says payback's a bitch, mild profanity gets a cheap pop as usual

.

cut to anderson and gallows walking backstage

.

past elias samson, idly strumming his guitar

.

what the actual fuck is going on with him

.

and cut to golden truth, who they're going to fight

.

until braun comes out of nowhere to kill them

.

punches r-truth in the face a bunch

.

we've all wanted to

.

throws him into a crate, and then officials turn up to shout him away

.

so yeah, guess that match isn't happening

.

cut for ads, and now he's in the locker room

.

a ref enters to tell him off

.

brave

.

ref reminds him he's suspended, braun's like fuck you i'm braun strowman

.

(his response to everything)

.

back to the arena, and the club are in the ring

.

but now anderson has a mic

.

makes a united airlines joke

.

and they're pissed they're not getting a match just because golden truth got fucked on

.

so here come enzo and cass

.

better, i guess

.

surprisingly mixed reactions from the crowd

.

would have thought a college audience would love these two

.

cass gets a cheap ohio pop

.

apparently they can see the future?

.

feels like they could do better things with that than pro wrestling

.

cole casually announces that dash broke his jaw and the revival will be off for eight weeks

.

fucking hell, guys

.

well, i guess if nothing else, the hardyz have proven that the best way to become over as fuck as a tag team is to be away for as long as possible

.

meanwhile, at ringside, cass takes anderson and gallows both down by throwing enzo at them

.

more like enzo ammunition, amirite

.

cut back from ads as enzo takes a boot of doom

.

so they leveraged that advantage well

.

i keep forgetting booker's on announce, he's speaking like once per match

.

this isn't some kickoff panel, that shit doesn't fly here

.

booker's sage advice to enzo is basically 'be bigger'

.

and now i'm imaginining enzo, but 6'5"

.

and it's weird

.

so yeah, currently we're in the sizable section of this match in which gallows and anderson fuck enzo up nine ways from tuesday

.

anderson hits a huge twisting spinebuster on enzo, because they are just inventing new ways to fuck him up

.

enzo gets his hail mary ddt, dramatic hot tag averted at the last second as anderson grabs his ankle

.

and then another one averted by enzo straight missing cass's hand

.

gj, guys

.

shockingly, botching a spot and then doing exactly the same thing again just draws attention to how badly you fucked it

.

enzo and cass try their finishing sequence, gets blocked by gallows, and then anderson does some kind of inverted snake eyes on enzo for the pin

.

commentators are all like what the shit was that

.

a sure-fire way to fuck up your knees, is what that was

.

video package in which cole tells us how excited we should be about mickie james

.

but next, miztv

.

after basically the same package, but for nia

.

so yes, here come the miz and maryse

.

miz has acquired a red three-piece suit, and...no

.

this is incorrect

.

recap video of dean being unable to recognise faces

.

more like prosopagnosiambrose, amirite

.

miz opens by basking in the boos for a while

.

but the crowd are still willing to shout the name of his show when prompted

.

make your minds up, ohio state

.

does an extended metaphor about boats, interrupted  by dean's music

.

corey is deeply offended that dean has turned up on the show he was advertised for

.

dean immediately gets a mic to effusively thank miz for having him on the show

.

remember where these guys were a year ago?

.

dean's like let's be friends for the night we're both from ohio

.

because screw maryse

.

does some chants with the crowd

.

miz is just like dude what

.

so dean insults his clothes

.

but calls his suit 'maroon', so we can add colours to the list of things dean can't recognise

.

miz commences to monologue about how he's a star and dean's a dumpster raccoon

.

and why the fuck do the crowd love him

.

(miz's question, not mine)

.

miz is bitter about all the opportunities and exposure dean's had and why he hasn't leveraged them

.

implicit crack for having the worst-placed show at mania

.

shouts at dean for being lazy

.

dean gets up like yeah w/e, does a speech about authenticity and being real and being true to yourself

.

how is dean ambrose, hardcore trashpuncher, some kind of disney hero

.

apparently dean loves coughing up his own teeth

.

actual quote

.

that seems like a hobby you could only have for a limited time

.

closes by mocking miz for losing the ic belt to him

.

maryse starts talking before her mic's on

.

mocks dean for not really being a champion, miz starts ranting while dean empties his pockets and takes his jacket off at the other side of the ring

.

way to fail a spot check, mike

.

dean jumps him, knocks over the chair he's just put all his shit on

.

now you'll never find all those bits of tin foil and burnt-out fuses

.

brief scuffle, miz and maryse run away, dean throws a chair at them

.

but now backstage, braun is dragging kalisto by the arm

.

apparently he's leaving and taking him with him

.

changes his mind, throws him in a dumpster

.

big show appears to body check braun and shout at him

.

remember when kalisto was us champion?

.

now he's a prop in a big shouty beardy man feud

.

so later, we're having brig showman

.

but now, purple ropes and a smug fil-am guy

.

displaying the bold fashion choice of a sleeveless jacket that still has shoulderpads

.

corey is like hey i still dislike tj as a person, but at least he's being pleasingly evil

.

and his opponent, pasty moustache man

.

and jojo announces neville, "making a special appearance"

.

so what is this about

.

gets in the ring to glower at jack

.

and at tj

.

even if you are his subject, the king has glower to spare

.

neville sits in a random office chair by the ring

.

and hit austin's music

.

fuck it, it's a party

.

next up, the gobbledy gooker, with the cocktails

.

austin does his own entrance announcement, finds a chair and sits next to neville

.

the banana is back in the front pocket

.

austin offers neville some banana, so he gets up, glowers, and moves his chair as far away as possible

.

meanwhile, jackin the ring like fuck your holds i am the elastic man

.

this match is like 85% counters

.

jack dabs on tj, so he grabs william iii and throws it to the ground

.

mortal insult there

.

tj bullfights jack through the ropes, he hits the floor headfirst because he is committed to killing himself to sell moves

.

austin and neville continue to stare daggers at each other throughout

.

jack headbutts tj out of the ring, retrieves william to do the umbrella splash

.

only this time it's a bronco buster

.

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like for mary poppins to slam her crotch into you at great speed...maybe get out of my house

.

tj knocks jack into austin, then neville gets up and hits him with the belt

.

tj uses the distraction to hit jack in the eye, then detonation kick for the pin

.

neville stalks off to glower, tj hides behind him

.

aaaand then the video glitches so i lose like a minute

.

boooooo

.

cut back on tozawa and apollo in the locker room being enthusiastic

.

titus enters to congratulate apollo on being on raw and becoming a dad

.

offers his brand promotion services to make people actually give a shit about apollo crews

.

or in this case, apollo cruises, apollo blues, and apollo lawsuits

.

gives him his card, leaves

.

but now, dudeface #3 interviews the hardyz

.

matt is occupying a middle ground between his real voice and the broken accent

.

and they're basically still being team xtreme

.

boooo

.

sheamus and cesaro turn up to formally welcome them to raw

.

apparently tonight we have cesaro/jeff

.

sheamus is like hey guys we're gonna fuck you up, cesaro apologises for his ebullient friend

.

segment for the announce team to remind us again that booker is here

.

makes sense, given that he's not saying shit

.

brief video package for sasha, now here she is

.

so apparently, screw alexa

.

sasha still has her strap jacket on, and it is a thing of beauty

.

oh wait, alexa's from columbus

.

welp, guess she's winning this one

.

seconded by cole saying his money's on nia

.

cheers for the kiss of death there

.

bell rings, everyone starts fighting nia

.

alexa slaps her in the face, immediately regrets it and runs away

.

like a horsefly on a rhino

.

cut to bayley, watching the match on the huge tv that's in the locker room for some reason

.

mickie does a hurricanrana, cole informs us that she calls it a 'mickierana'

.

well of course she fucking does

.

mickie's entire shtick is replacing the first part of moves with her name

.

nia powerslams alexa, drops sasha on her, slams mickie on both of them

.

she keeps fucking all of them up, then just posing for a bit instead of going for the pin

.

sort it out, jax

.

goes for a tap instead, with an enormously long bearhug on sasha

.

sasha converts it into a guillotine-cum-octopus stretch, so nia suplexes her out of it

.

mickie tries to take nia down, so she just straight fucking strangles her

.

mickie converts it to an armbar, and nia actually goes down for once

.

at least i think that's what happened behind those flares

.

gets back up, throws mickie at sasha

.

alexa gets on the top rope, looks at nia, reconsiders

.

sasha takes nia out of the ring, cue bliss/james grudge match

.

until sasha returns to hand out some punches

.

and throw mickie into alexa before doing her double knees

.

goes for the pin, 2-count before nia drags her out

.

alexa and sasha argue about who owns this show, sasha does a bank statement but mickie breaks it up

.

they fight until nia returns

.

uses sasha to knock mickie off the turnbuckle, samoan drop on sasha, then alexa knocks her out of the ring just long enough to pin sasha herself

.

told you so

.

she struts up the ramp backwards while nia stand in the ring like dohhhhhh meddling kids

.

one day nia will win a thing

.

i can have hope

.

cut to charly interviewing show, which is just a fucking hilarious visual

.

having to stretch to get the mic up as far as show's beard

.

show delivers like three sentences about how he's gonna kill braun, stomps off

.

leaving time for this enormously long advert for the network

.

mostly notable for annoying me with the word 'whackier' [sic]

.

cut back from ads to curt hawkins, king of 'already in the ring'

.

takes credit for the fact that show fought him last week, and is main eventing this week

.

which is a nice touch

.

open challenge for 'curt hawkins' star factory'

.

so here comes finn which i totally called for some reason

.

*does the arms*

.

his arena entrance now has him coming out of a column of smoke, which is cool

.

also got a new tron, which makes him look like aleister black

.

which is not something i can complain about

.

they're both badass

.

bell rings, finn immediately commences to fucking curt all the way up

.

coup de grace for the pin within like 20 seconds

.

notably shorter than his entrance

.

is he the new goldberg

.

(please say no)

.

replay of the corner dropkick, and it's ugly as fuck

.

curt was miles from the corner, and hit it neck-first

.

this is not to the good

.

and corey actually pronounces 'coup de grace' correctly

.

thank fuck

.

up next, bray does a sermon to randy, who is notably not here

.

but now, dulé hill is in the crowd

.

finally someone i know

.

and an advert for his new show, which looks really cool

.

but now, dudeface #4 interviews jericho

.

who mostly lost to joe because he was still thinking about kevin

.

this is how to ruin all your new relationships, chris

.

jericho insults kevin's face, continues to protest too much

.

doesn't care which show he's on, apparently including nitro and velocity

.

i find those implausible

.

but jericho has his friends everywhere, even on shows that don't exist

.

jericho calls dudeface 'tom'

.

his name is mike

.

they do the whole duck season/rabbit season thing, jericho shouts at him for not knowing his own name

.

does the big windup to putting him on the list, when FUCKING ELIAS SAMSON wanders through the back of the shot, strumming his guitar

.

this meta-segment of his is amazing

.

where are his cheese slices

.

long beat, jericho says "Scratch that, you're off the hook"

.

outstanding

.

does a huge windup, puts samson on the list for disrupting his promo

.

that was amazing

.

but now, aggressive wyatt cut

.

bray does a sermon with lots of creepy intercutting

.

he wants to know what we're afraid of

.

i propose we don't tell him

.

apparently bray's house of horrors has all of randy's fears in it

.

and bray will take randy to hell, then bring him up to heaven purely so he can drop him from it again

.

seems harsh

.

and then he will burn the house of horrors down with randy in it

.

which is fair given the context, frankly

.

as the proverb says

.

live by the burning house, get a better estate agent

.

(this may not be the proverb i was looking for)

.

(fucking autocomplete)

.

up next, cesaro/jeff

.

but now, alicia fox shows dana her disgrace on 205 in the locker room

.

emma turns up to tell alicia that dana was laughing at her

.

alicia shouts at her and renounces dana's friendship

.

storms off

.

emma's like oh hey looks like i lied and destroyed your friendship oh well you wanted to stand on your own feet

.

what a bitch

.

i love her

.

but now, here are the dubiously-fixed hardyz

.

kilts vs detached sleeves

.

the ultimate fashion battle

.

sheamus keeps his kilt, cos why wouldn't you

.

not fighting, and hey, free kilt

.

brother nero chants dominate

.

and cesaro's wrestling as well as ever, but with a general air of oh my god i'm fighting jeff hardy

.

splash from the apron, add that to your 'jeff hardy jumps off things' scorecard

.

jeff gets out of the ring to nurse a possibly-bad leg, cesaro uppercuts him into the barricade anyway cos why not

.

jeff goes to the top rope, cesaro rolls out and actually gets some heel heat

.

cesaro has notably slowed down to match jeff

.

does all the standard jeff hardy moves, cesaro counters a twist of fate into an uppercut

.

massive corkscrew uppercut that jeff didn't quite seem to be in position for, had to go two thirds of the way across the ring

.

jeff counters a swing to go to the top rope, gets crotched

.

cesaro goes for a superplex, gets crotched on the top rope and then jeff dropkicks him off

.

jeff does a big corkscrew splash for a near-fall

.

cesaro goes for the neutraliser, jeff counters to a twist of fate because that move never happens any more

.

and swanton bomb for the win

.

matt and sheamus come into the ring to help their partners and glare

.

sheamus offers matt a handshake

.

the hardyz hesitantly accept, and miraculously nobody does a heel turn

.

sheamus helps cesaro out, and everyone parts as friends

.

huh

.

and now let's have recaps of braun fucking everyone up

.

and now dudeface #2 is at the trainer's room, where golden truth are being treated, but fuck that shit here come slater and rhyno to showboat

.

until braun growls at them on the way past and makes rhyno throw his crackers over heath

.

as the phrase goes

.

advert for aries/perkins on 205

.

but now, time for large man vs older large man

.

show comes in and immediately starts throwing braun into nearby objects

.

before the bell has rung

.

who's the heel here again?

.

gets in the ring, they ring the bell anyway because fuck it

.

show does a walking-pace basement dropkick to braun at ringside, he sells it like he's been hit by a truck

.

then gets in the ring and shows him how you dropkick

.

show does a wristlock on braun, who spin counters out of it like he's jack gallagher or something

.

including that kipup, which still doesn't seem bounded by physics

.

long segment in which they both try and suplex each other

.

it's mostly just grunting

.

until show finally scoop slams him

.

goes for a chokeslam, braun counters into an overhead suplex because fuck your 400 pounds

.

casually walks over show, because only one of them gets to be andre

.

hoists show onto his shoulder for a powerslam, but sadly countered

.

but still

.

casually deadlifting the big show is a thing

.

show places braun on the turnbuckle, looooong superplex tease, but nothing

.

braun takes a chokeslam, kicks out anyway

.

because now taker's retired, all his moves have lost their power

.

fun fact: wrestling has no ontological inertia

.

show goes for the magic fist, braun dodges and hits that powerslam

.

show kicks out anyway, because fuck you, the audience, and the passage of time, i'm the big show

.

so braun goes to the top rope

.

and gets crotched on it

.

sigh

.

show goes to the top rope, even longer superplex tease, and then gets crotched on the top rope as well

.

wait, this sequence was in cesaro/jeff a minute ago

.

go on, dropkick him off the top rope

.

braun jumps from the ropes, show catches him with a magic fist, braun kicks out like bahahaha i am no mere human your punching magics cannot affect me

.

for i am the mighty STROW-MAN

.

so big show goes to the top rope

.

again

.

and gets crotched

.

again

.

superplex tease

.

again

.

and they hit the superplex

.

and the ring collapses

.

this is totally a spot i have never seen before

.

who could have seen this coming

.

(sigh)

.

well, the crowd are impressed

.

and braun's up

.

the match is clearly done, so he's presumably just going to shit on show's face or something

.

or just to roar and cue his music

.

sure, he could do that too

.

and go up the ramp to scream at the world

.

braun strowman, in The Beast That Shouted BRAAAAAAAAAUUGGHHHHHHHH At The Heart Of The World

.

and thus we fade

.

or at least, that show fades

.

we're still here

.

gazing into an empty and meaningless void

.

oh god

.

we're so alone

.

just me and daniel, and he doesn't even exist

.

quick

.

we must fill this aching emptiness

.

...

.

SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

.

(phew, that was close)

.

opening with an in memoriam of rosey

.

huh

.

i didn't know he was dead

.

probably why roman had the week off, to be fair

.

opening the actual show on a dramatic recap of the shakeup

.

and now we're in the arena and here comes charlotte

.

back in the black sequin gown

.

boooooooooo

.

so yes, on announce we have tom, byron and NOBODY ELSE

.

charlotte has a mic

.

and she is angry that she hasn't got a title shot yet

.

or something

.

she is being vague

.

she's angry, in any case

.

okay, yes, that was it

.

shouts at management, but here comes naomi

.

to proclaim the staunchly anti-monarchist stance of smackdown live

.

and make fun of charlotte for begging

.

but basically be like yeah, alright, you only had to ask

.

drops the mic, coldcocks charlotte, stillin her entrance gown

.

knocks charlotte out of the ring, a sudden ref tries to stop her going back in, but HERE COME THE MONEEEEEEEY

.

shane's like yeah, sure, seems legit

.

but here we earn things

.

in the Meritocratic Republic of Smackdown

.

so we have charlotte/naomi tonight, and if charlotte wins, she gets a title shot next week

.

charlotte runs back into the ring to wail on naomi, because we need reminding who's the heel here

.

naomi fights back, charlotte leaves, end segment

.

later we have sami/harper/dolph/jinder/rowan/mojo contendership match for the wwe belt

.

totally not a random collection of names

.

but now, natalya rants at shane backstage because charlotte is getting stuff and she isn't

.

shane's like ummm well you didn't ask

.

here come carmella and ellsworth to agree with the stance that charlotte doesn't deserve things

.

they argue

.

and here comes tamina

.

everyone shouts at each other, until nattie comes to the conclusion that this is all charlotte's fault and she has a plan

.

they all leave together, shane is left looking uncomfortable

.

and now, that 6-man match

.

time for a bunch of short entrances

.

but they do include rowan's awesome music, so there's that

.

also sami almost skanking his hat off

.

safe prediction: this match is going to be a fucking mess

.

swiftly turns into harper/rowan, as we all wanted

.

holy shit did harper just do a michinoku driver on sami

.

cut from ads to two superplexes and a top rope sunset flip

.

all spots all time

.

helluva kick to superkick to discus clothesline to big boot to full nelson slam

.

harper's discus clothesline is still frightening

.

likewise that suicide dive he just did

.

meanwhile, dolph kicks out of a spin kick from a large bearded man who isn't aleister black

.

who then powerbombs him onto everyone else

.

we now have rowan in the ring and the other five sprawled outside

.

drags sami back into the ring to try and pin him

.

but sami has not taken nearly enough punishment yet

.

cut back from ads as mojo is actually allowed to do things

.

including a fuck-ugly deadlift slam on dolph

.

this is why we don't let you have spots, mojo

.

douchefragment on announce confuses dolph and mojo

.

all these white men look alike

.

dolph throws rowan into harper's crotch and then zigzags him, still can't get the pin

.

harper beats all the twat out of dolph, then gets grabbed by jinder

.

sami has finally absorbed enough pain, does a tope con giro on harper and a springboard moonsault on mojo

.

and a really worryingly close exploder to jinder

.

winds up for the helluva kick, until the shining stars grab his ankles

.

and...jinder...mahal...gets...the...pin?

.

sooooo...that happened?

.

oh wait, the announcers are saying those were the bollywood boyz

.

makes slightly more sense, i guess

.

in a racist kind of way

.

renee comes in to interview jinder, he shouts at the crowd for not liking him because he's educated and indian and speaks two languages and americans don't accept diversity

.

wwe, as ever, handling sensitive issues of racial politics with all the tact and delicacy of a piss-soaked sledgehammer

.

here comes randy and his cg sperm

.

to laconically taunt jinder and his veins

.

(the only blood vessels visible from space)

.

randy briefly talks smack on jinder, then is like fuck that shit i'm here to talk to bray

.

wyatt cut, and he's here

.

in another creepy intercut video

.

bray gets to appear on both shows, thanks to his almighty satanic power

.

it takes a lot to overcome the brand split

.

but yeah, bray's delivering vague promises about his house of horrors and how it'll brutally murder randy in body and soul

.

man can speechify

.

wyatt cut, guess that segment's done

.

i choose to believe randy just left while that was playing

.

up next, shinsuke

.

after an advert for the new day

.

so yes, now we have a video of how amazing shinsuke is

.

including his violinist, because he's a fucking legend

.

and cut from that to renee interviewing aj about the us title scene

.

aj doesn't give a fuck

.

and here's baron, who has decided this is his interview

.

renee like um no?

.

aj like hey dork i kicked your ass last week why don't you just fuck off *winning smile*

.

offers baron a rematch tonight because fuck that guy

.

cut to elsewhere backstage, as tamina, nattie and carmellsworth happen upon charlotte

.

they offer paronising words, nattie knocks into her, she leaves

.

and now here she is

.

and naomi gets her full intro this time

.

complete with baseball cap with massive dreadlocks

.

bell rings, charlotte immediately begins showboating like hey did you know i'm ric flair's daughter

.

yes charlotte, we get it

.

woo

.

cut to all the heel ladies watching this backstage

.

i would have assumed they'd be lurking near the ring

.

in other news, where the fuck is becky?

.

the entire smackdown women's division is involved in this angle, except her

.

charlotte gets naomi in a really long headscissors, shouts at the crowd to remind them she's a heel

.

they don't give a shit

.

she could step on a puppy in the ring and they'd still woo

.

charlotte does some flair chops, so naomi responds by just kicking the shit out of her

.

cut back to the group watching it backstage, during which i realise they're not actually watching it so much as staring into the middle distance near it

.

two springboard spots in a row there where i'm honestly not sure whether they botched them or not

.

let's call it a save

.

naomi casually kicks charlotte in the head while standing, because her legs go for miles

.

top rope crossbody, near-fall

.

and charlotte counters another superkick into a chop block and natural selection for the win

.

and dear dumb twat in a big hat: if you're not going to stop calling charlotte 'genetically superior', at very least stop doing it when she's fighting WOC?

.

vignette of charlotte backstage, getting menaced by the women's heels and giving a defiant woo

.

but now it's american alpha vs primo and epico, who have never had any other gimmick shut your mouth

.

alpha are in eye-assaulting acid green tonight

.

nasty double underhook gutbuster by epico there

.

hot tag to jason, who dismantles them both

.

but epico gets the pin anyway through all the distraction-based shenanigans in the Big Book of Shenan

.

huh

.

did not see that coming

.

recap video of jinder

.

for whatever reason, since next we have the first ever kevin owens face of america open challenge

.

not cena at all

.

after another burlesque video from lana

.

and...andrea? interviewing tye

.

about how much everybody loves him

.

shit, it's dasha

.

i keep doing that

.

tye's like hey, lemme just cue this vt of how great i am

.

video ends, he's just like awwww aren't i great and walks off

.

...ok

.

but now, here comes the face of america

.

to fight some dude who's in the ring

.

midway through his intro, kevin grabs the mic off the ring announcer so he can do it himself

.

lets the jobber say his name

.

Gary Candy of Louisville, RIP

.

and one janky-ass popup powerbomb later, it was done

.

kevin gets his belt and mic back

.

so he can insult everyone for being american some more

.

normally this would be done in a super racist gimmick, but he just does it so well

.

declares he's doing commentary on the main event, talks québécois to piss off the crowd and freak me out, and now it's the main event

.

introducing first the wolf who douches like a man

.

kevin gets a headset, immediately starts heckling the rest of the announce table

.

kevin vs people saying words is my favourite feud

.

cutaway to austin telling us all we should watch 205

.

aj's entrance starts, swift cutaway to their match last week

.

depriving us all of some quality not wanting none

.

match starts, kevin doesn't give a shit and continues heckling the announcers

.

you can tell he's a heel, because crotchsweat is agreeing with everything he says

.

meanwhile, baron throws aj at the announce table, then after a few reversals, drops him face-first on the apron

.

so far, this match has just been baron dicking all over aj, and i'm not ok with this

.

kevin has switched to just shouting at tom every time he does anything other than call the match

.

match turns around a bit as aj bullfights baron into the ring post

.

firms it up with a pele kick and stinger splash

.

baron counters a styles clash into a nasty choke backbreaker

.

aj rolls into the calf crusher, baron screams like a wounded ape before clawing his way to the ropes

.

deep six, near-fall, sarcastic comment from kevin

.

aj hits baron at ringside with a super sloppy knee then goes for a styles clash as kevin shouts at him not to get close to him

.

so baron counters by backdropping aj into kevin

.

brief scuffle, aj forearms baron over the barricade to win by countout

.

weird finish, but watchable

.

kevin sits on the floor and seethes, aj poses for our adulation as we fade

.

and thus end the weekly shows for another week

.

however, the void is still an issue, so imma go watch talking smack and the rest of the wrestling

.

any hole in your life can be filled by enough wrestling, kids

.

(important comma there)

.

(i do not encourage wrestling kids)

.

roll the tape, daniel

[staytiny-angel]

Safe Haven 3/?

Co-written with @scream-qween

Pairings: Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch, Eventually Drew McIntyre/Becky Lynch/Seth Rollins, Jon Moxley/Renee Young, Sasha Banks/Bayley/Charlotte Flair

Warnings: Violence, Language

Word Count: 1799

Summary: After an 8-year absence, 25-year-old Seth Rollins returns home to his pack but in no way resembling the Beta Werewolf that ran away after a violent misunderstanding with his brothers.

Seth is feral, and trapped in a form the bitten wolf shouldn't even be capable of, it turns out that he is the victim of a powerful curse that would make him a mindless slave.

Meanwhile Alpha Werewolf Drew McIntyre and his Part Banshee, Part Sea Witch mate Becky Lynch have joined the unorthodox pack of Haven in search of the final member of the Triad a seer told the pair they were destined to be apart of.

Taglist: @sethsevolution @feathers-and-flesh-and-wrestling @deepdisireslonging @writtingrose @pikapuff316 @hitory--chan @finnsauroraborealis @the-beastslayers-queen

Becky took a step back, "What the hell is that?"

Finn sighed, closing his eyes until they returned to blue. "It's a long story"

"I got time, explain" Becky demanded, Drew stepping up next to her

Seth whimpered and licked Finn's face, causing Finn to smile, and lean down to rub his head against the wolf's.

"You know he doesn't like that story" Elias says gently

"I know" the vampire replied "Go play with Baron, Seth. Ember should be around somewhere as well."

With a huff and one last lick to the face of each vampire Seth ran off though the mansion to find his other friend, Baron following closely behind him.

"I recognize you as well, Cailleach na Mara and you are supposed to be very much dead." Finn says standing up and brushing off his black slacks before reaching down and helping his wife to her feet.

"So the hell are you cousin." Becky says with a snort

"Cousin!" Everyone exclaimed

"How…" Stephanie started to say

"I'm older then I look." Becky says easily, "MUCH older"

"You were killed by a Vampire." Becky says as if putting the pieces of a puzzle together "The clan told stories about seeing you still walking around after you'd died but…"

"Attacked by a vampire? Yes. Killed? Not so much"

"Prince Devitt did die that day, remember your memory problems?" Violet said.

"If you hadn't found me, I'd gone completely feral" Finn remised, kissing her head.

"Explain" Becky said

"I found him." Violet says "Dying. My sister attacked him and I saved him but his transition was….brutal and he lost a lot of his human memories. Balor has been slowly healing that part of his mind for well over a century"

"Now somebody explain why our child is a fully shifted wolf" Finn says

"Paul Heyman. He tried to turn Seth into...a slave for whatever reason. It didn't work out so well, but Seth's been like this for a while" Elias answered, making sure to step back.

Finn took a shaky breath, his eyes flashing between blue and red before finally settling on red. "Really Bálor?" Violet asked

"That....walrus, he tried to enslave our Puppy?" Balor roared causing everyone to wince and take a huge step back from the demon king. From somewhere in the house you could hear a howl and heavy four-legged footsteps, then from a corridor came Seth running, followed by Baron and a smaller wolf with orange-tipped black fur.

Seth, much to the discomfort of both Drew and Becky ran straight for the demon, who in a surprising show of strength caught the huge wolf.

"He's close with a demon...cool" Becky said, uneasy.

"We need to tell Shawn about this" Violet spoke up. "Tell a broken hearted fire sprite, 'Hey, the thing that killed your wife and twins? Yeah, his buddy tried to enslave your youngest nephew!' That? Is a death sentence" Eilas argues

"And it'd be better for him to find out later?" Violet asks

"I would highly suggest we save that conversation for after Seth is back in human form" Hunter says knowing his adopted brother well. "Seth is one of the few people who can keep Shawn calm, "

"We need your summoning circle and we need Balor to put one of his Shields around it, so we can turn him back" Stephanie explained to the pair, before asking Seth "How big are you now, so I can conjure you up some clothes"'

Elias looked down in surprise "Really? Finally had that growth spurt?" he smirked at the wolf before telling Stephanie "He says he's 6" 2" and kinda beefy?"

"Can finally fight me brother" Mox grinned, Seth growling playfully. Bálor set him down gently before summoning a ring of black fire around him. "How are we doing this" he gestured to Becky

Becky stepped forward and gestured to Stephanie,"Guide me through the counter-curse?"

Stephanie nodded "Are you ready, Starshine?"

"He's ready." Elias answered for the wolf

"Everyone back up, and keep that shield up Balor." Stephanie says taking the sea witch's hand and beginning to chant, her own golden magic soon being joined by Becky's ocean blue.

Stephanie began to pant with exertion as gold, blue and black magic surrounded Seth, who howled in pain

The magic flared almost all the way to the top of the high vaulted ceiling, completely obscuring the form within before finally fading and revealing a tall, tanned man with long dark, blond tipped hair and a thick beard, shivering and panting, with sharpened nails and fangs.

Stephanie magiked clothes on him before collasping into Humter's arms.

"Welcome back baby brother" Mox said.

"Glad to be back" Seth replied in a voice raspy from disuse, before he started to laugh for a few minutes until his eyes landed on Becky, who was now sitting on the floor with Drew wrapped around her from behind holding her up

Almost in a single leap Seth crossed the room and landed in front of the pair, startling them.

"Here we fucking go" Elias murmured

As soon as the pair locked eyes with the man crouched in front of them sonething…clicked.

"Son of a bitch" Drew swore. "You can only sense your mates for the first time when their in human form."

"Bingo" Elias says with a smirk, "Seth knew as soon as he was in his right mind"

Stephanie's eyes darted between her son and the newest members of their pack, "Goddess Above" she whispered "Xavier was right"

Everyone looked at the witch who was being held similarly to Becky by her own mate. "What?!" Mox says looking at his mother.

"Xavier had a vision about 3 months ago. He said we had to let the next two people who came to us for sanctuary into Haven, that they would be the key to getting Seth back. You two showed up about a week after that."

"We were told to come here to find our third" Drew muttered.

"Sorry we had to meet like this" Seth said. "With me all growly and shit"

Becky leaned forward and petted Seth's beard much like she had petted him in wolf form, Seth leaning into the touch "It's okay. You were kinda cute. Much cuter this way though"

"Anyone else notice that the redhead has a type?" Mox asks, pointing out the similarities in Drew and Seth's appearances

"All werewolves kinda look alike though" Violet argued.

"True but two mates looking like they could be related? Kinda a stretch" Mox replied

"I have to talk to Uncle Shawn" Seth said, turning to Stephanie "Mom. The twins aren't dead. Heyman has them under some kind of mind control spell. They both wear these amulets that they aren't allowed to take off for any reason. I managed to snatch Rhea's off of her when I was in wolf form and she recognized me, that's how I escaped from his compound. She blasted me out but The Beast caught up to us and Heyman put it back on her."'

Stephanie covered her mouth in shock. "Oh my god, Shawn always said he knew they were alive, but...we could never prove it" Seth hugged her tightly.

"What made Heyman target you?" Drew asked

"I'm not what I thought I was." Seth said quietly "Heyman's spell didn't work right on me...because I'm part warlock. Remember Mom? We always wondered why I was so good at seeing magic?" Seth waved his hand in the air creating a shower of silver sparks. "My birth mother was a Wolf and my birth father was a Warlock, they worked for Heyman but escaped when they found out they were gonna have me. That's why Heyman was here the day he killed Aunt Chyna and took the twins. He was looking for me"

"He will never have you again" Violet says. "You are our son, my baby." she caressed his cheek, Seth grabbing her hand.

Ember nudged Bálor, who scratched her head."You're gonna have to be careful Seth. Heyman won't just let you be free"

"That's why I'm here, he's going to try and get an pure Alpha. He think Omegas and Betas shake off his magic too easily and it isn't just Wolves that are vulnerable The Beast was a Dragon before Heyman fucked with him" Seth explained "When I was here the only Pure Alphas were Roman, Dad, Xavier, Charlotte and Renee"

He looked up at Drew "I'm gonna assume you are too?" He asked "Honestly, don't know for sure" Drew replied. "And I don't really care. Alphas have to protect everyone, I just have to protect Spitfire"

Seth nodded and continued "Whatever Heyman's magic did to me I have no fucking clue what I am anymore, I know it broke the seal my birth mother must have put on my magic, cause I can actually do shit now"

"I can help teach you" Becky quietly offered walking toward her new mate.

"Thank you" he says gently, with a slight bow. "I know I come with a fuckton of baggage, so I do understand if neither of you want to be mated to me"

Their impromptu meeting was interrupted when a golden blonde Wolf came barreling into the house and ran straight to Elias barking furiously

"Slow down, Renee what's wrong?!" The siren knelt down and placed a hand on her head. "I'm just gonna look okay honey?" he says gently as he closes his eyes only for them to snap open in horror a moment later.

"Elias?" Stephanie asks

"The Beast was here. Heyman took Roman."

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - ‘Angelic Ascension' to 'Nuclear Hobo’

Transmission date: Monday 22/Tuesday 23 May

.

It's far too warm to be funny, so here's FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW.

.

that's what this blog is going to be now, just me stating the facts while being disdainful of this whole 'Sun' bollocks

.

who thought summer was a good idea

.

ugh

.

um

.

anyway

.

wrestling?

.

yes

.

wrestling

.

yestling?

.

no

.

ahem

.

and we're opening with the advert for the extreme rules five-way

.

which includes bray promising to kill brock with the spear of destiny, so that pleases me

.

and just as i type that, wyatt cut through the end of the vid

.

we're in grand rapids tonight, because nobody in detroit can afford tickets any more

.

i'm assuming they don't mean the one in minnesota, otherwise that joke doesn't work and i'd have to make up some shit about logging camps and judy garland

.

but yeah, bray's here to lead a revival

.

he's going to liberate all us slaves of brock

.

or the beast here may be metaphorical

.

because it lives inside us all and keeps our children up at night

.

but i like to think that's all tiny brocks

.

bray has straight-up promised to murder brock, crack his ribs and eat his heart

.

we're straight in at the deep end here

.

this is seriously full-on revivalist shit

.

he keeps telling us to stand up, and it makes me want to

.

this is some lovely crowd work

.

he's like fuck this five-way i've already sacrificed seth and joe

.

guess they need to make a new video package

.

doesn't even need to mention roman's name and the crowd are already on the verge of armed insurrection

.

like fuck your yard, i own he world

.

here's roman to take issue

.

or, as cole puts it, "Here is the keeper of the said yard!"

.

thank you, master wordsmith

.

roman and bray are doing some top-shelf glowering across the room at each other

.

roman comes in like say that to my face you bitch, bray just starts cackling

.

and then says it to his face

.

they keep calling each other 'old friend', i'm getting the feeling i should know more classic nxt

.

roman squares up in bray's grill, cue kurt to intervene

.

maybe they''re just big x-men fans

.

now i'm imagining bray as professor x and roman as magneto

.

it's quite an image

.

kurt acknowledges that these two are two of the favourites

.

probably, like top 5

.

he's just like fuck this showrunning thing, this is a match now, bye

.

despite the number of times roman's fought bray, he still gets freaked out by the whole hanging backward off the turnbuckle thing

.

at least corey lampshades that as well

.

thanks for following my thought processes, graves

.

bray uranages roman, forgoes pinning him to just go and bite the ropes

.

he's just taking every opportunity this match to fuck about and laugh at roman

.

bray does not and has never given a shit

.

like three minutes into the match, here's joe to pick a fight

.

at least he hit his music, rather than just turning up like usual

.

stands there telling bray to get up and fight him, bray's just like um no i'll sit here thanks

.

so joe coquina clutches roman for the dq

.

bray tries to join in, gets a clutch of his own, and now here comes seth to slay some kings

.

or failing that, some large men

.

bray tries to blindside seth, roman superman punches him

.

long awkward moment between seth and roman, everyone glares at each other, hit what the fuck music is this

.

seriously, it sounded like cage the elephant or something

.

can we fire the sound guy

.

apparently it's barns courtney

.

(who's from aylesbury, so that explains a lot)

.

clearly everyone in the room has realised it's the wrong music but just to finish the segment anyway like it was intentional

.

gj, guys

.

announcements for later: finn/anderson, and sheamus/matt, with the winner of the latter picking the stipulation for their extreme rules match

.

so either matt wins and they do a ladder match because hardyz, matt winds and they have some kind of dilapidated boat mindfuck (i want this), or sheamus wins and is just like fuck it let's have a knife fight (i would also watch this)

.

oh, apparently that barns courtney song is the theme for extreme rules

.

so i guess it makes a certain kind of sense

.

still a weird-ass time to play it, though

.

anyway, i should probably unpause this and stop writing long-ass comments and looking up aylesburian singer-songwriters

.

(it doesn't necessarily come across, but i take some serious research breaks on here)

.

but now, seth and roman are passive-aggressive at each other backstage

.

kurt shows up like fuck this high school bullshit you're teaming against bray and joe in the main event

.

they accept this, walk off, elias fucking samson break

.

kurt like fine you have my attention what the fuck do you want if i give you a match against dean ambrose will you go the hell away

.

elias responds with some more abstracted strumming, kurt seems to take that as a yes

.

are we just playing him as mute on this show

.

that would be kind of great

.

but now it's cruiserweight time, with tozawa facing ariya daivari, who's accessorised with aviators, chains and possibly the most garish jacket observable by science

.

just in case you forgot he was the heel

.

and meanwhile, instead of being on announce like a normal person, brian kendrick is backstage with a big-screen tv, watching the match and occasionally chipping in with comments like a fucking nfl analyst or something

.

i swear, i'm like fifteen minutes into this weird-ass episode and it's already making me want to tap out to the bugfuck strangeness of it all

.

i think we're in one of those weeks

.

jinder mahal beating randy orton for the world title clearly broke all laws of god and man, and now reality is irrevocably shattered and we must get used to the new world we find ourselves facing

.

sorry you had to learn about it from a wrestling shitpost blog

.

anyway, back in the match

.

tozawa is in green and teal shorts, and it doesn't work for him at all

.

but he's working through this personal obstacle to beat seven kinds of piss out of ariya

.

cut back to brian, who provides us with his incisive analysis viz. HA chants being dumb

.

he is wrong

.

tozawa provides some, then does a top rope back senton for the pin

.

what was his finisher before?

.

cos that's a great one

.

cut back to brian, who's like fuck that imma kill him tomorrow

.

tozawa shouts in the face of a small child, end segment

.

next up, dean/elias

.

but first, charly interviews sasha backstage

.

she's like foxy ain't shit, alicia and noam turn up to taunt her some

.

oh wait, it's usually his snap german

.

fuck

.

how did i forget that

.

anyway, diving senton is cool too

.

but now, elias samson has a song for us about grand rapids

.

credit to him, he can actually play his guitar and sing and shit

.

because everyone hates people who can't use their props

.

but to be fair, everyone also hates elias samson

.

so *shrug*

.

dean interrupts the last few bars, corey takes advantage of his mic being back on to be like what has happened to my life

.

miz and maryse are on announce to tell us how dean ain't shit

.

maryse badmouths dean for "kicking miz in his no-no land"

.

meanwhile in the ring, elias is reminding us that he is actually a large impressive man

.

smacks dean's neck into the ropes, because fuck your head trauma rules

.

likewise, hangs dean's head off the apron and then does a bunch of knees into it

.

cut to ads, and elias is choking dean into unconsciousness

.

would have thought he'd just pin him by now

.

apparently dean is losing because miz's presence is sapping his power

.

this information brought to you by the miz

.

dean's starting to get his zaynwheels spinning, so time for a comeback

.

wait, shit, were we not meant to call it that any more?

.

dean goes off the top rope, takes a knee to the face in response

.

dean takes elias down, miz runs to the ring and kicks elias once for the dq

.

like fuck you mr ambrose i know how the rules work

.

truly the most dangerous quality in a wrestler

.

chasing miz around the ring keeps dean occupied while elias gets back up, and swinging neckbreaker for giggles

.

up next, bálor/anderson

.

but first, cass is angry backstage

.

we pan over to enzo unconscious in the middle of a bunch of weights equipment

.

and fade on medics trying to wake him up

.

to an advert for that barns courtney song

.

we come back, and he's awake

.

and doesn't rmember who blindsided him

.

kurt promises to get to the bottom of this, because he seems like a good boss

.

cass is like well let's see who finds them first

.

[large new yorker intensifies]

.

and we're back in the arena, and finn has got this whole appearing in a column of smoke thing down

.

*does the arms*

.

i love how he does proper ballroom dance hands when he does the arms

.

both because it enhances the lines of the pose and because it's kind of adorable

.

booker makes a comment about how everyone wants a piece of finn, a solid 70% of people watching just joined with me in nodding knowingly

.

he has a mic

.

but can't say the word 'fatal'

.

acknowledges it, the crowd are like fuck it, we love you

.

and then interrupted mid-speech by...heyman?

.

with a speech about how not one of the people in the five-way is shit

.

wait, was this speech meant to be in the opening segment but we replaced it with unexpected blues rock?

.

paul makes a reference to roman killing taker, the crowd hate him even more

.

paul finally reaches finn's place in his list

.

oh, apparently he's not going to trashtalk him

.

calls him the most talented performer in wwe?

.

where's the twist coming?

.

paul saying the word 'extreme' is getting a pop

.

okay, so apparently finn is his pick to win the five-way

.

this is odd

.

but i am intrigued

.

finn has a message for brock

.

(spoiler: he ain't shit)

.

paul just stands there like welp this is super intense

.

but here are anderson and gallows

.

oh yeah

.

remember there was a match happening?

.

cut for ads, and we come back to finn stomping the shit out of anderson

.

right up until anderson tries to rip his nose off and gallows gets a cheap shot in

.

not a bad match, but when have i ever not liked a finn match

.

these two are just so fluid together

.

it's almost like they've worked together for years

.

finn kicks anderson off the turnbuckle, then hits his big apron punt on gallows

.

anderson goes for a powerbomb, finn does a lovely counter into a standing double stomp and tope

.

and sling blade, corner dropkick (slightly misjudged), coup de grace for the pin

.

finn walks up the ramp, someone holds a palestinian flag up on camera

.

how long till they get disappeared

.

and corey reminds me why i love him by pronouncing coup de grace properly

.

another graphic for matt/sheamus, this time with a less broken picture of matt

.

weird

.

but now it's sasha/alicia

.

sasha enters in a double-breasted half-camo waistcoat, and i want to ask her where to buy it

.

apparently the point of this match is if sasha wins, alicia gets to fuck off

.

noam distracts sasha by literally going durrrrrrr at her, near-fall

.

noam is the best armcandy

.

sasha dodges a scissor kick into her double knees, awkward-ass pin, end

.

this whole angle has just been really weird

.

is it done now

.

noam comes into the ring to shout at sasha

.

goes for her, gets deathslapped, but alicia's there to blindside sasha with a scissor kick

.

but now we're backstage again, with kalisto and apollo

.

kalisto being like the fuck is wrong with you why are you working for dickbag o'douche

.

and also btw did you attack enzo

.

apollo denies it, talks about how he's working for titus for his connections

.

titus appears to be like oh hey you want to join the titus brand awesome

.

shockingly, kalisto actually doesn't

.

so titus sets his minion on him for a match later

.

but next, alexa talks about extremity

.

after our first ad for mitb

.

we'll be seeing a lot of those

.

and now we talk about the demise of the golden truth

.

booker talks about how being an inscrutable evil isn't like goldust at all

.

making me question whether he's actually met the man

.

and now we have a shattered dreams video package, featuring a low framerate goldust doing slam poetry about gold and wearing a suit jacket over his bodysuit

.

a disembodied hand tries to give him a script, he's like fuck that i'm reasserting creative control

.

does his oldschool weird breathing, end thing

.

and now charly has alexa backstage

.

but mostly to introduce this vt of her beating on bayley last week

.

in which they cut out the bit where it took alexa three tries to find the kendo stick

.

but with bonus pictures of the welts on bayley's back

.

whoever wolf whistled in the crowd, fuck off

.

alexa's just like heh yeah that was pretty great

.

and i'm totes gonna do worse at extreme rules

.

and apparently she's fighting mickie tonight

.

whom she's also going to murder

.

and now we talk about roman and braun some more

.

are we seriously doing the vt of braun getting his elbow fucked again?

.

apparently we are, yes

.

with dramatic replays and colour separation and everything

.

and restating that yes, he will be off for some time

.

not sure why we needed that segment

.

but anyway

.

now it's kalisto/crews

.

and the editing means we missed the start of kalisto's entrance

.

boooo

.

or should i say

.

beeeeeeoooooo

.

apparently titus is the most in-demand public speaker in the world today

.

i think we need a cetacean here

.

kalisto tries running the ropes, apollo just standing dropkicks him in the face

.

kalisto gets some offence, tries to run the ropes again, gets stopped with an enzuigiri

.

dude

.

stop trying that

.

apollo goes for a muscle buster, kalisto counters for a near-fall, titus screams at apollo to sic 'em, distracts him enough for a salida del sol

.

haven't seen that in a while

.

mostly because kalisto hasn't been allowed to win things

.

apollo looks stunned and hurt, titus shouts at him, end segment

.

up next, crazy vs irish

.

the eternal dilemma

.

the hardyz are both wearing solid green tonight, and it's an odd choice

.

matt does his delete arm on the turnbuckle, jeff does a super half-hearted one

.

now that he's wearing more and his beard's grown, sheamus's entrance has changed from 'angelic ascension' to 'nuclear hobo'

.

i'm still totally in the kkb corner for this, though

.

sheamus' strategy for this match appears to just be hitting matt in the face a lot

.

see how many teeth he can claim

.

matt chases sheamus out of the ring, is immediately shown why this was a bad plan as sheamus smacks him back-first into the apron

.

sheamus starts the ten beats of the bodhrán, stops after two when it becomes apparent that the crowd want to count along and just tackles him off the apron into the barricade instead

.

i love smart heel moves like that

.

matt mashes sheamus' face into all the turnbuckles, i'm guessing that may have been a thing in tna from the volume of the delete chants

.

cut to ads as cole tries and fails to say the phrase 'pick the stipulation'

.

sheamus gets a near-fall off white noise, the crowd think he's an obsolete mule

.

and jeff distracts him while matt gets a tornado ddt

.

sheamus gets the offence again, matt hits side effect out of nowhere

.

does the whole delete setup for a twist of fate, sheamus counters into a big knee to the face, the nearest of falls before matt gets the bottom rope

.

grand rapids think this is awesome, and they're kind of right

.

cesaro looms toward the action, jeff takes him out, sheamus kicks jeff in the back, matt takes the distraction for a twist of fate for the win

.

and now here's charly to ask matt and jeff what the thing will be

.

ooh, cage match

.

that is not the way i saw this going

.

but i could still see that working

.

and now we get the bit where the announce team recap the opening segment of this episode

.

go get a drink or something

.

dramatic advert for the main event, ahppening in like half an hour

.

cut for ads, and we're back with the cruiserweights

.

nese/aries, with the goblin king of newcastle lurking in nese's corner

.

one day my dream will come true of a neville promo where the crowd interrupt after every sentence by shouting PET

.

until then, i'll just have to do it in my head

.

apparently the aries/neville title match at extreme rules is going to be a submission match

.

i mean, they both use submission finishers, so not that strange

.

austin gets nese in a weird headlock/heelhook thing while staring daggers at neville

.

neville's procured an office chair to just lurk at ringside because the announce table isn't there any more, and i always find that kind of hilarious

.

and...cm punk chants?

.

cmon guys, if chicago could get through like all of takeover and backlash without doing that, you can use some self-control

.

austin goes for an elbow off the top rope, nese catches him with an elbow to the face in midair

.

then goes for a vertical suplex, which austin converts into a guillotine choke

.

nese tries to facebuster him out of it, which just lets austin bounce over into the last chancery for the tap

.

some lovely transitions there

.

austin walks off as him and neville glare at each other

.

and neville smacks nese's face into the canvas and puts him in the rings of saturn because fuck you

.

austin just kind of golf claps as he keeps walking up the ramp, like nice job that's going very well for you

.

but now we have alexa/mickie

.

mickie has redesigned gear that looks even more like off-brand star sapphire cosplay

.

graphic for the extreme rules women's title match

.

kendo stick on a pole

.

christ

.

mickie gets alexa in a waistlock, alexa makes it to the ropes and tells the ref to get her off, except i totally hear it as just BUGGER OFF

.

mickie is currently just stomping all over alexa, which is weird

.

near-fall, only one person does the 2 sweet thing

.

fair enough, grand rapids, you're let off for doing the cm punk chant

.

alexa just goes fuck it and punches mickie in the face really hard

.

and ddt for the pin

.

has alexa somehow inherited show's magic fist?

.

and/or jake the snake's ability to get a pin off a straight ddt

.

alexa lingers at ringside with a face like thunder, and then it only takes her two tries to find the kendo stick

.

hits mickie once, bayley runs in

.

knocks alexa down, gets the shinai, looms threateningly while alexa runs away like she does so well

.

dramatic slow-mo of alexa hitting mickie with the kendo stick, mostly just serving to highlight how badly mickie mistimed selling it

.

but next it's main event time

.

after an ad for 205

.

which we'll wyatt cut through anyway, because bray doesn't give a shit

.

recap video of bray fucking over everyone around him

.

i wonder how this tag match will go

.

seriously, somebody discipline the tech guy

.

seth's music drops, gets through a few bars before turning into joe's entrance because he's the one who's actually coming in

.

wrong tron and everything

.

and *here's* seth

.

bray's just standing on one turnbuckle grinning at seth and roman as they come in

.

bray's another one of those solid gold background actors

.

talking about the contendership match, booker seems convinced it's an elimination match

.

long awkward start as both seth and roman refuse to get out of the ring

.

eventually roman does, and seth just explodes on both the heels

.

goes poorly, as joe distracts him while bray throws him into the barricade

.

dramatic tag to roman, kicks bray in the face into a samoan drop, grand rapids don't give a shit

.

bray distracts him with the spiderwalk thing again, joe blindsides him, bray blind-blindsides him

.

cut backstage to kurt standing off to one side of a television showing the match and watching it in three-quarters profile, like humans do

.

i'm guessing that's actually a really small room and they couldn't decided on how to make the perspective work

.

joe does his corner enzuigiri to roman, the announcers freak out like that's even his physics-glitchiest move

.

bray runs through roman and then takes a moment to hug the ring post

.

and then puts roman in a chinlock for ages, which would have been boring if bray wasn't doing a whole narrative with his face

.

naturally,that narrative was dhalgren or some shit, but that's what you get when your stories come from the faces of men possessed by the devil's relatives

.

bray distracts the ref while joe attacks roman, joe rolls a natural 1 and gets immediately whipped into the barricade and driven-by

.

(it took me far too long to work out what that past participle should be)

.

dramatic double tag, seth just unloads on everyone

.

springboard crossbody, blockbuster, plancha, sling blade, suicide dive

.

fuck you i'm seth rollins

.

goes back to the top, bray distracts him long enough for joe to punch him in the head

.

bray and joe very slowly set up a double superplex

.

which seth manages to reverse into crossbodying both of them

.

fair enough

.

joe fights back, bray goes for sister abigail, roman gets involved and throws bray out, goes for joe who dodges and lets roman superman punch seth

.

seth shouts at roman like what the fuck dude until bray pulls roman out of the ring and joe coquina clutches seth into unconsciousness

.

well, that wasn't the ending to the match i saw coming

.

but is anyone honestly surprised by this

.

i don't think i've ever correctly called a match in a promotion that exists outside of my head

.

#extremefantasybooking strikes again

.

bray and joe square off, and we pan out to kurt watching through non-euclidean geometries

.

finn turns up to be like the fuck kurt why didn't i get in this

.

so next week, double main event

.

finn/bray/joe and seth/roman

.

and we end on kurt literally saying "Damn, I'm a great GM."

.

i do love his sheer guilelessness running the show

.

but yes

.

that was raw, and it was not shit, which is something of a turn-up

.

smackdown will follow, after our feature presentation: Six Hours of Sarcastic Cicadas!

.

---------------------

.

Okay, so that was more like 23 hours, but I think it was worth playing four times

.

Such good times

.

Such memorable quotes

.

"'Chirp'."

.

i have ordered merch

.

I am a newly committed member of the SHoSC fandom

.

but for another example of things I enjoy, consider exhibit B: SATURDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN!

.

(yes, i am missing doctor who for this)

.

let's see how this show goes in this brave new post-jinder world where literally anything could happen

.

i wonder if he's developed any new magical powers we should be told about, like TELEPORTING OUT OF A FUCKING FRIDGE

.

we open on a video package of the fans being pissed at jinder becoming champion and a bunch of press outlets being like wut

.

we're in toledo tonight

.

where the counterfeit american steel comes from

.

apparently later jinder holds his 'punjabi celebration'

.

but first, the announce team are interrupted by the sirens of a police escort to a motorcade

.

the singhs get out of one humvee and roll out a lovely carpet, jinder gets out of his white maharajamobile to scowl and show off his belt

.

usa chants, because fucking america

.

but here comes the money

.

presumably carried by shane

.

i wonder if this song is just because shane is always carrying his wallet in that cheap jacket

.

he's wearing white nikes

.

the fuck is that, shane

.

mitb briefcase hanging above the ring already

.

it's kind of bold to assume nobody will steal it in the next four weeks

.

i'm betting jinder

.

shane references jinder, the crowd react like he dropkicked a puppy

.

apparently randy has "instituted" his rematch clause

.

at mitb, which is in st louis, so randy's fucked

.

which i am happy with

.

but now let's talk about the actual briefcase match

.

and he's just straight-off introducing us to the participants

.

five of them this time

.

first off, here's aj

.

turns out they do want some, as long as it's some briefcases

.

and baron

.

how would you carry that case on a motorbike

.

now sami, and the image of him skanking with a bright blue briefcase fills me with joy

.

and dolph, who doesn't give a shit

.

and here's kevin, after a weirdly long beat

.

shane's like what is this kill the music kevin you were not invited

.

but this man is

.

it's shinsuke, surprising literally nobody

.

oh, apparently daniel was surprised

.

he had money on james ellsworth

.

this is why i never take his betting tips

.

shinsuke glides past kevin on the ramp like fuck youuuuuuuuu i'm awesome

.

if you want my call for the briefcase, i'm going baron or sami

.

but as we know, i may be even worse than daniel when it comes to predicting matches

.

shinsuke still gets to do his long-ass entrance while the other five guys stand around awkwardly

.

shane starts talking again, kevin immediately interrupts like excuse me mr commissioner but this is bullshit

.

dolph, baron and aj lost at backlash, unlike SOMEONE I COULD NAME

.

starts a promo on shane's weird favouritism giving the lie to smackdown's alleged meritocracy

.

that, or shane's just jealous of him cos he beat aj

.

shane reacts like hmmm yes you have some solid points

.

and puts him in the match?

.

well that was easy

.

if you want the match, just shout at shane for like 30 seconds

.

baron cuts a promo about how everyone else ain't shit, but is sadly betrayed by his mic

.

aj cuts in to tell us all some more about his house

.

and an extended three little pigs metaphor

.

calls kevin eric cartman, the crowd love it

.

feel like that one's going to stick

.

calls them all out, but calls shinsuke a rockstar while doing so, and he just smirks like why thank you yes i am

.

sami starts talking about his climb to glory, baron cuts back across him

.

with an american football film reference i don't entirely get

.

sami's like oh ok tell me more about how i KICKED YOU IN THE FACE

.

kevin tells sami to shut up, dolph tells him to shut up like hey guys remember when i won this briefcase before

.

do you really need another one, dolph

.

how many documents do you carry to work with your hoodie and wrist tape

.

shinsuke takes his mic, lets the crowd stew a bit

.

as he does so well

.

then basically introduces himself and says he's going to win, cue the massive pop that he can get off saying literally anything

.

shane cuts in like right guys let's actually do a show

.

baron/sami later on, kevin/baron v styles/nakamura for the main event

.

which should be fucking gold

.

an aj/shinsuke team sounds just amazing

.

but now it's women's time

.

nattie and carmella already in the ring

.

vs charlotte, who's stolen billie kay's black feather look, and becky

.

naomi, tamina and ellsworth are also here, because why not have the whole division in one room, it saves us having to do booking

.

one of the facts in charlotte's sidebar is literally just "The Queen of WWE"

.

[citation needed]

.

becky's got a new sleeveless trenchcoat thing that i like a lot

.

and her hair's calmed down since backlash, so i'm not so intimidated

.

carmella's still in solid red, which i'm still not convinced by

.

becky headlocks her, noogies her on top of that because giggles

.

and we cut this match into a quarter screen to play an advert break

.

is this how we're doing things now?

.

seems like

.

so if you like tiny silent wrestling while adverts happen, do i have the video for you

.

but to be fair, it's an ad break, so it's just the heels beating on becky

.

this is really weird and it's super hard to concentrate

.

and we're back in the room

.

i don't get it

.

becky keeps going for the big hot tag, nattie is keeping her off it

.

until now

.

charlotte tags in and cleans house

.

goes to the top rope, tamina tries to knock her off, naomi takes her out

.

becky tags back in and dropkicks the fuck out of nattie

.

she tags carmella, who tries to get to james, until naomi takes him out too, disarmher for the win

.

end thing

.

and let's have a graphic for jinder's punjabi celebration

.

but up next, corbin/zayn again

.

and that is now

.

and it lasts like 20 seconds before sami gets a rollup pin

.

outstanding

.

naturally, baron reacts by beating the piss out of him, but that's kind of an occupational hazard

.

baron throws him into the timekeeper's area and then just smacks him with a chair

.

and then resumes the piss-beating among the crowd

.

throws him headfirst into some stairs, hoists him over his shoulder, then drops him on a barricade

.

baron's needed some hardcore time lately, so this is good

.

goes to leave, then decides he'd rather punch him in the head on the barricade a bunch

.

some refs finally materialise to shout him off

.

it's like handling a wayward bear

.

baron corbin is probably more scared of you than you are of him

.

here comes the stretcher and the deeply questionable medics

.

and let's just cut straight to a graphic for the main event

.

idiosyncratic smackdown editing, take a shot

.

but next, fashion files: the final file?

.

(god, i hope not)

.

(but luckily, the standard rule about question marks in headlines applies)

.

but now let's have recap videos of sami getting turned to paté

.

and now, aj approaches his old friend shinsuke in the locker room

.

to be like welcome to my dojo

.

shinsuke's like i'm working with you tonight but i will cheerfully fuck you over at mitb just sayin and walks off

.

but now it's fashion files time

.

*tonk tonk*

.

they've been called into the commissioner's office

.

unfortunately, the commissioner in this case is shane, who has no clue what's going on

.

he's like guys you are not actually cops did you know this

.

which results in them having an existential crisis

.

they start giving him all their stuff

.

shane's like guys sort yourselves out you complete weirdos you have singles matches against the usos

.

so they take their stuff back, cheer up, and fandango takes one of shane's doughnuts but leaves him with a water pistol

.

i could type literally anything here and you'd have no reason to doubt it

.

cut to techs preparing the ring for the punjabi celebration

.

cut for ads, and now lights are down and we have indian drumming

.

someone starts singing in punjabi, lights come up, we have like nine guys doing proper indian dancing with staffs and stuff

.

enter the singhs, with indian-style jericho scarfs and less awful shirts than usual

.

this is actually pretty cool, because they've all committed to it

.

the dancers line the ramp as the maharaja enters

.

he has new graphics, and he's stolen the miz's red carpet thing

.

finally reaches the ring, and it's decorated with garlands and stuff

.

dancers surround the ring, still givng it some

.

jbl is very impressed, which is weird given its non-americanness

.

but i guess heels gonna heel

.

after a very long intro, jinder might actually talk

.

this is like a fucking olympic opening ceremony

.

jbl's like what the fuck is wrong with all these people booing, and to my shame i agree with him

.

jinder's just like fuck you all i'm the dude

.

and also you guys are all super racist

.

even jinder's throat is currently against him

.

sunil, samir, someone get him a drink

.

does a thing about randy being in decline, which is kind of objectively true

.

and he's like hey guys i know you guys don't like this celebration but guess what i don't give a shit

.

because i'm here for my people

.

now let me do a thing in punjabi

.

he does so

.

usa chants try and drown him out, because fucking america

.

he finishes, have some pyro

.

jesus, that was more pyro than seemed reasonable

.

fun fact: jinder mahal is canadian

.

(note: yes, heritage is a thing, but i just find that kind of funny)

.

here's a hype graphic for the main event, but now, have some more trash jazz in this lana video

.

still coming soon

.

and now it's time for tag team but not action

.

jey/tyler first

.

day one is still h, apparently

.

even when it's a singles match, tyler gets the breezango music

.

tyler has all his stuff in a box still for some reason

.

tom casually drops a treasure of the sierra madre reference into conversation, retains nerd cred

.

bell rings, jey takes a mic to talk shit at tyler

.

so fandango squirts him with a water pistol and tyler gets a distraction pin

.

and now straight on to fandango/jimmy

.

tyler puts on a grey wig out of his box, taunts jey with some handcuffs, they run around the ring a few times, fandango pins jimmy off the distraction

.

the actual fuck just happened

.

that's not a question, it's a statement

.

that which just happened was the actual fuck

.

fandango tries to taunt them, his mic is also dead

.

so tyler fixes it

.

they want a title rematch again

.

fandango threateningly gyrates at them

.

the usos are like fuck it let's do it live

.

the ref gets a message from backstage, and the match is official

.

so yes, now we have a tag title match now

.

and we're doing the tiny screen/cars 3 trailer thing again

.

tiny picture of the usos beating on tyler

.

and we're finally back

.

yeah, tyler is just getting the piss beaten out of him

.

but then, it;s an ad break

.

that's how this works

.

dramatic double tag, fandango comes in on fire, spin kicks jey in the head like fuck you guys i'm actually a p great wrestler

.

nearfall off a ddt cmbination, jey goes for a falcon arrow but then just smacks fandango's head into the turnbuckle instead

.

double superkicks to both of them, jimmy goes for a superfly splash, fandango counters into a nearfall

.

goes to the top, gets punched in the head

.

jimmy blind tags in, fandango does the last dance on jey, but then jimmy superfly splashes him for the pin

.

nice finish

.

confirmed on reply, that was really nicely coordinated

.

so the usos retain, and i'm ok with this

.

but next it's main event time

.

and i realise i may have earlier said it's kevin/baron

.

it's not, it's kevin/dolph

.

but now, shane's on the phone to someone when nattie comes in to badger him for a title shot

.

until carmella, james and becky come in to tell him why they should have a shot

.

and tamina like you guys have all fucked up title shots, i haven't

.

side effect of never getting one

.

james claims this is because she's secretly in love with him

.

sure

.

and here's charlotte to tell everyone how they suck

.

shane finally cuts through the argument

.

next week, five-way contendership match for the title at mitb

.

and who knows, maybe after that this division can support two angles at the same time

.

advert for the 205 street fight, which i'm looking forward too

.

and a promo from kendrick and his overactive hands

.

fuck off, guy behind the announce table with your too sweet sign

.

back in the ring, we’ve already got three people in

.

and here's kevin

.

clearly we didn't have enough time in this show for shinsuke's full entrance twice

.

kicking off with aj/dolph, because let's save the big pops

.

weird for aj not to be the big pop on a team

.

styles/ziggler has just turned into a dropkick contest

.

double tag, the crowd is hype as fuck

.

kevin just shouts at aj and shinsuke about how they're both losers

.

so shinsuke kicks him in the face some

.

seems fair

.

goes for a kinshasa, kevin rolls out

.

cut for ads, come back to shinsuke infuriating kevin with his weird floppy thing

.

does good vibrations, which pisses kevin off enough to get the offence back

.

dolph tags in, kicks shinsuke in the knee and scrubs his face on the rope

.

his two weak spots

.

dolph does a weird sexual harassment neckbreaker, then into a chickenwing crossface, and it's all a little bit predatory

.

kevin tags, and as ever, only the heels get to be organised

.

they're really not putting shinsuke over as hard as i'd expected

.

but to be fair, i guess with this crowd reaction, he'll be over as fuck whatever happens

.

he could lose every week for a year and everyone would still think he was awesome

.

dolph's still wearing his neon design vest, and all i'm getting from it is that mike pence fucked a horse graphic

.

aj almost tags in, kevin knocks him off the apron and cannonballs shinsuke

.

cut for ads, and when we come back nakamura is still getting fucked on

.

kevin tags dolph back in, shouting for him to take his revenge

.

strike him down, young one

.

dolph gets punched in the face a bunch and bullfought into the post, shinsuke gets the dramatic tag

.

so aj punches everyone to death, ushigoroshi for the nearfall

.

and tom doesn't call it an ushigoroshi, probably cos he can't do it justice

.

aj sets up a styles clash, kevin distracts him long enough for dolph to hotshot him

.

kevin tags in, sentons aj on the floor, puts him up on the apron just so he can kick him off again

.

and then takes a break to taunt nakamura because he can

.

and throws aj into the ring to apply a master headlock

.

aj tries to run the ropes on kevin, he counters into a beautiful back body drop

.

it's like professional vaulting up in here

.

dolph tags in, weirdly caresses aj before headbutting him

.

slow-ass superplex setup, aj escapes but dolph catches him before he can tag

.

so aj just hits a vicious facebuster on him instead

.

maybe lead with that

.

and dramatic double tag, after which shinsuke has regained his flow

.

and proceeds to use his joints to destroy kevin's

.

nearfall until dolph gets involved

.

goes for a famouser, shinsuke dodges, goes for kinshasa, kevin interferes, aj peles him out of the ring, goes for a styles clash, dolph superkicks him out, shinsuke hits kinshasa on kevin for the pin

.

proper chaotic tag finish there

.

shinsuke dances around the ring while aj stands on the turnbuckle like dude we get it calm down

.

kid in the crowd with a violin, i love you

.

aj and shinsuke pose at each other some more, focus on the briefcase, end

.

no advert for talking smack, so i have no idea what that'll be about

.

and nor do you, because i haven't told you

.

unless you've already heard, what with it being like four days ago

.

*shakes fist at the spacetime continuum*