#meanwhile Crosshair is glaring in the background

[here-comes-the-moose]

Hunter, introducing Crosshair: This is my baby brother!

Random person: Sir, that’s a grown ass man. He’s also taller than you.

Hunter: My baby brother.

[tamarinfrog]

Unwanted House Guest Part 27 - Tetrox Vs. Cosmo

“C…” Cosmo muttered as he moved the joystick on the arcade cabinet, “I… M!” he said triumphantly. “Nice!  1st Place on the High Score List for today!”

Tetrox had just finished entering her initials on the cabinet and smiled, “And 2nd Place for me!  Not bad if’n I do say so myself!” she stated confidently.   It was another 10 or 15 minutes before Tetrox and Cosmo finally beat Metal Sea Slug 2XLT with the destruction of the Crustaceanoid mother ship. “Gotta say, sugar, you a pretty good shot there!”

“Likewise!” Cosmo smiled as he returned the compliment.

Sorrel and Arnick just glared at the two of them from a distance.  Arnick had folded his arms and was tapping his finger against his bicep impatiently.  “If you two are finished patting each other on the proverbial back, can we PLEASE get going now?!” Arnick complained, “The noise and din in this place has already pushed Tiny Splat Tim here off his rocker, and I’m not interested in the same happening to me!”

“Staring at your ugly mug doesn’t help either, Monkeyface!” Sorrel shot back.  Arnick turned, growled, and made a mental note to show this kid a thing or two about who’s boss if they ever run into each other on the Splattlefield.

“Just one more game, sugar!” Tetrox called out with a smile to Arnick.  She then turned to face Cosmo who was cracking his knuckles and stretching his arms over his head.  It had been a while since he had a good video game challenge, and if Tetrox was as good at other games as she was at Metal Sea Slug, then he figured this little competition of theirs ought to be fun.  “How about that one?!” Tetrox said excitedly as she pointed to a larger arcade cabinet over in a corner.

Cosmo smirked as he saw what game Tetrox was pointing at, “Splatter House of the Dead Crisis Time, huh? Good choice!” he said with a smile. The two walked over to the cabinet that had two small light guns connected by a cable to the large cabinet. In front of them was a large 60” screen that was playing the introduction for the game.

11,998, 12, 18…

A phone sat on a small desk and began to ring.  It went to the answering machine and a woman’s voice could be heard.  “HELP! E-EVERYONE’S BEING SPLA- “was all she said before the call cut off.

A middle-aged Inkling man in a black suit and tie was sitting near the desk, and listened closely to the call through an ear piece.  “I know who that is…” he said solemnly before turning to an Agent standing by their side.  “Get Agents 1 & 2 on the line!  We have a situation!”

It then cuts to an overhead panning view of an island covered in lush forests with a single tall mansion sticking out from the foliage.  A helicopter came into view and zoomed towards the island as the government official from before narrated.

“Agent 1.

Agent 2.

There’s been a kidnapping. It’s Rasbora: daughter of the President of Lemuria!  She’s been taken captive and brought to an uninhabited island by Sherman Garibaldi, the last blood relative of the Lemurian royal family that was exiled years ago.  He’s demanding secrets belonging to the Island Nation of Thule in exchange for Rasbora’s life.  Get inside, and rescue her!”

The scene changes to a clearing as Agents 1 and 2 hop off the helicopter before it takes off again. Agent 2 scanned the perimeter. “This is Agent 2.  Performing communications check.  Agent 1, can you read me?”

The headset on Agent 2’s head crackled to life and she could hear, “ɹǝƃpop ɹǝƃoɹ”, as a response.

Agent 2 then turned to Agent 1 who smiled and waved at them.  Agent 2 just scratched their head and said, “How do you do that with a headset?!”

“ǝɯ sʇɐǝq”

“Well anyway, stay alert. Approaching this island was way too easy.  I got a bad feeling about this,” Agent 2 said with a serious tone in her voice.

A narrator began to speak as the two Agents began to walk into the dense jungle, “Sometimes, somewhere, someone is plotting a government overthrow…”

*SQUISH*

Agent 2 froze up and looked at her foot in horror.  Lifting it up, she saw an ink-like substance cling to the bottom of her shoe.  There was an eyeball stuck in the ooze.  It blinked.  The camera pans out to a wide view of the island as an ear-piercing shriek echoes through the trees, causing several birds to fly away in surprise.  

The narrator continues, “And sometimes, somewhere, someone is plotting something even worse!”

The introduction then cuts to a montage of cut scene clips as an orchestral musical score plays over them.

Agent 2: “There was someone else here before Garibaldi showed up!”

Agent 1: “Who?!”

A lobster wielding a cane and wearing a white lab coat laughs maniacly.

It then cuts to a fish-man in an ornate navy blue suit.

Garibaldi: “YOU TRICKED ME!”

It cuts to a scene where Agents 1 and 2 are running and firing at unseen pursuers.

Agent 1: “THEY’RE GAINING ON US!”

Another scene appears where Agent 2 is reading a document in an abandoned lab.

Agent 2: “Progress on the Atlantis Project is advancing swimmingly…”

It cuts to a mysterious man in sunglasses and a trench coat, holding a detonator in one hand.

Wild Dogfish: “Just to be sure.  HA HA HA HA HA!”

Cut back to the lab.

Agent 2: “…the secret of eternal life is within my grasp, and nothing will stop me now!”

A large anemone tendril bursts through a glass ceiling and begins flailing around wildly.

A large conch shell sits before Agents 1 & 2 before two glowing yellow eyes appear from underneath.

A shadowy figure with shark-like features screams in the distance, eclipsed by moonlight.

Once more to the lab.

Agent 2: “…there is only one more thing I need, and it’s already on its way.  By the time anyone reads this, I will be a Cod among Squid! Signed…”

Close up shot of Agents 1 and 2 cocking their weapons.

Agent 2: “…Dr. Crucian.”

A close up of Agent 1 smiling wide appears before zooming out so the Agents can strike a pose.

Agent 1: “IT’S TIME FOR THE TWO-SQUID ARMY!”

A shot rings out as a crosshair zooms in on the title against a black background.

“SPLATTER HOUSE OF THE DEAD CRISIS TIME!”

Scene changes back to show Garibaldi holding a fileting knife next to Rasbora’s neck.

Garibaldi: “Your mother will pay the price for destroying-“

A large crash is heard as an anemone tendril bursts through the wall, wraps around Garibaldi and pulls him away.

Garibaldi: “AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHhhhh!”

???: “HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!”

“Oooooooooohhhhhhh!” Tetrox awed.

Arnick meanwhile was looking thoroughly disgusted.  “Are you squidding me?” he said to no one in particular, “Agents 1 & 2 licensed their likenesses to this… this… Travesty!?”

“Hey man, don’t knock it until you tried it!” Cosmo said with a smirk as he walked up to the cabinet. He leaned on the edge where the light guns were holstered and looked at Tetrox with a confident, smug grin on his face. “Alright, rules are simple!  We start the story mode off and play from here to the end of the game.  Winner will be whoever has the highest score by the time we get to the Initial Entry screen.”

“Sounds good tah me!” Tetrox said with a gleeful smile.

“But remember,” Cosmo said while lifting a finger in caution, “If you lose all your health and have to continue, your score resets back to 0 and you’ll have to start from the bottom back up!  Think you can handle it?”

Tetrox exuded confidence, “Honey, I betcha I could do this blindfolded with an arm & tentacle tied behind my back!”

“I’d like to see that,” Arnick muttered under his breath. Sorrel, in the meantime, was standing a little further back and wondering why he was still here.

Tetrox walked up and took the light gun for Agent 1 while Cosmo grabbed the light gun for Agent 2. The two of them put two tokens in and both hit start.  A scene from the intro clip replayed with Agent 2 screaming after stepping in the strange goop.  Suddenly, a small Splatoon of Horseshoe Crab soldiers appeared.  

One of them cried, “THERE THEY ARE!  GET THEM!”

Agent 1 smiled and cocked her weapon, “IT’S TIME FOR THE TWO SQUID ARMY!”

The game was on.

Arnick slumped back against the side of another arcade cabinet and watched Tetrox and Cosmo begin their game.  He thought they looked absolutely ridiculous swinging those brightly colored plastic toys that could barely be called “guns” around.  He looked over to Sorrel and decided that given this could easily take a good half hour for them to beat, he may as well attempt to make small conversation.

“I don’t understand how you can stand having a superficial slacker like Cosmo on your team,” Arnick said, “Doesn’t it make your ink boil knowing that your team loses whenever he’s acting like a blithering idiot?!”

“Tell me about it,” Sorrel deadpanned.

Seeing a chance at finding some common ground to discuss, a dislike of Cosmo, Arnick decided that it would be better to find something to talk about than simply stand there in silence. “So-“

*EXPLOSION*

“WHAT?!” Cosmo cried out in disbelief.

“WHOO-HOO!” Tetrox whooped, “GOT ‘EM!”

A 10,000 point bonus went to Tetrox for blowing up a crate of explosives and taking out all the Horseshoe Crab soldiers that were on the screen.  It then changed to a summary of Stage 1-1, and upon moving a bit closer, Arnick’s eyes widened a little.  Displayed on the screen were the respective scores for Tetrox and Cosmo…

…and Tetrox was in the lead!

Sorrel was also dumbstruck, “SHE BEAT YOU?!  HOW THE SHELL DID SHE DO THAT?!”

“Whoa! Whoa!  Easy there, Sorrel.  It’s just the first stage!” Cosmo reassured.

“DUDE!  Nobody has EVER gotten a higher score than you on the first stage!” Sorrel exclaimed, “Cod knows I’ve tried something like a million times trying to get the high score!”

That piqued Arnick’s interest.

“So I underestimated her. Big deal!  Just means I’m going to have to get serious!” Cosmo said confidently.

“As if you could,” Arnick thought to himself.  He was now standing closer and began to pay more attention to the game.  Normally, he wouldn’t have been caught dead anywhere near this thing, but deep down he began to feel something he hadn’t felt in a long time:

A genuine feeling of excitement.

A cut scene began to play on the screen.

Agents 1 & 2 flanked a doorway and peeked inside.  There they could see Sherman Garibaldi in his navy blue suit standing before Rasbora. She was tied to a chair and appeared very frightened.  The dandyish Garibaldi brandished a filleting knife from his coat sleeve and looked at it with admiration.  “Ahhhh…” he said with a dramatic gesture, “Isn’t it wonderful when everything goes your way?  Once I get the launch codes for Thule’s Inkstrike Warheads, I’ll have enough power to take back Lemuria and not even those pesky Agents will be able to stand in my way!”

Rasbora was quite defiant, “You’ll never get them!  They’ll never give in to your demands!”

Agent 1 nearly gave a cheer of “Yeah!  You tell him, sister!” before Agent 2 slapped her hand over Agent 1’s mouth and shooshed them.

“A setback, but a temporary one at best!” Garibaldi said with a smile, “As it just so happens, there’s someone who is VERY interested in you and was willing to pay top sand dollar to anyone able to deliver you to their doorstep.  I’ll either get the codes, or I’ll get the money to finance an even grander operation to take back Lemuria!”  He then slammed his fist into the wall behind Rasbora and held the fileting knife close to her neck.  “Your mother will pay the price for destroying-“

With a crash, a large, gelatinous, magenta tentacle bashed through the side of one wall and began to flail wildly.

Garibaldi turned in shock and uttered a loud, “What?!” before the tentacle wrapped itself around him and pulled him through the newly formed hole in the wall.  “AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHhhhh!” he screamed before another tentacle burst through the wall.  Another smashed through the glass ceiling of the room Rasbora was in, sending shards of glass falling to the ground.

Agents 1 and 2 burst in. “WE GOTTA STOP THAT THING BEFORE IT HURTS RASBORA!” Agent 2 yelled over the commotion as she and Agent 1 turned to face the owner of the gelatinous tentacles.  A massive Sea Anemone with a head full of tentacles, red glowing eyes, and a mouth with razor sharp teeth burst through the wall and roared.  On the screen, underneath the creature, the words “THE TOWER” appeared.

“WHOA!”

Tetrox hooted in surprise, “What in Tarnation is

THAT

?!”

“Just the first boss,” Cosmo said as a matter of fact, “This gal’s not too terrible.  Just shoot where it tells you to shoot.  Nothing to it.”

Tetrox and Cosmo both began shooting at it as colored circles appeared to mark the weak points that needed to be hit for massive damage.  Arnick was standing almost behind Tetrox now.  She and Cosmo were aiming quickly at the circles which were gradually changing from green to red, indicating how much time they had to shoot them before it was too late.  At first, there were only two circles on screen at a time.  Then there were three.  Then four.  Then six.  

Tetrox had maintained a solid lead going into the boss fight, but it soon became apparent that she was beginning to struggle a little.  Both she and Cosmo were mashing the trigger on their light guns as fast as they could.  Unlike the rest of the stage leading up to the boss, there was nowhere to hide for cover, and the only way to avoid taking a hit was to fire fast enough to push the boss back so they couldn’t get too close.  

Here, Cosmo had the advantage since he had the boss’ attack patterns practically memorized.  It took him little effort to aim at just the right spot and fire just the right number of times to keep the anemone tentacle away whenever it targeted him.  Tetrox was also firing at the tentacle aimed at Cosmo, expending a lot of energy even when she wasn’t in danger.  But when the tentacle was aiming for Tetrox, Cosmo only made a “show of effort” to help.  Even though teamwork was supposed to be an important part of the game, this was still a competition and Cosmo was playing to win.

Arnick furrowed his brow as he saw small beads of purple sweat begin to form on Tetrox’s.  He had been silently watching the boss fight carefully and could tell that Tetrox was barely able to keep herself from taking damage. She was surviving on pure force and willpower alone.  If this kept up, she would become too exhausted to see the game through to the end. Arnick didn’t want that to happen, so if what he saw on the game screen was what he thought he saw…

“How many times I gottah shoot the Dang Thing?!” Tetrox complained as she frantically tried to keep up.

“Oh don’t worry!  It’s almost dead,” Cosmo said before thinking to himself, “Or at least it’s FIRST form is. Once it changes to its second form, it’ll be so fast that there’s no way she’ll be able to keep up!  Well, unless you know the secret to skipping the second form altogether like I do!  Time to show her how it’s-“

Cosmo thoughts were interrupted when Arnick suddenly shouted, “BOTTOM LEFT CORNER, BETWEEN THE THIRD AND FOURTH TENTACLES! 

FIRE!”

As if by reflex, Tetrox swung her light gun away from the tentacle that was approaching her and fired right where Arnick had said.  As the tentacles that weren’t attacking Tetrox whipped around every which way, they spread apart just enough to create a space between them large enough for a shot to pass through.  Time seemed to slow down as Tetrox unconsciously put her faith in Arnick and pulled the trigger.  

The shot rang out, and as it did, a small red circle, barely visible to the naked eye, appeared for a split-second.  The circle was over a giant flagellum which had a slightly different color than everything else on the screen.  The shot connected and the screen changed to a cut scene.  It showed Tetrox’s shot hitting a very sensitive spot causing the slimy appendage to drop what it was holding:

Garibaldi.

As the agitated despot in the navy blue suit landed on the floor, he stood up and gritted his teeth in rage.  He reached into his inner jacket pocket and pulled a miniature Splat Pistol that contained a strange colored liquid that was most definitely not ink.

“YOU DARE ATTACK ME!  TAKE THIS!”

Garibaldi fired a shot at the creature’s back which connected.  The creature howled and screamed in agony as a strange chemical reaction began to resonate through it.  Its tentacles began to swell and puff up before the rest of it began to follow suit.  Agent 2 grabbed Agent 1, “GET DOWN!” she shouted as they both dived behind a table.  The creature grew and grew until finally it stopped.

*KER-SPLAAAAATTT*

It exploded and covered the entire room with its remains.

Agent 1 stood up and looked like they were going to be sick, “EWWWWWWWWW!” she whined.

Agent 2 snapped at Agent 1, “NEVER MIND!  WHERE’S RASBOR-“

*CLICK*

“HEY!”

 Tetrox said defiantly, “I wanted tah watch that!”

Cosmo seemed non-plussed, “Yeah, Yeah.  Found the secret alternate route, got the hidden cut-scene, blah blah blah blah. Let’s get going to the next stage!”

Tetrox pouted and prepared for Stage 2.  Before it began, their scores appeared on screen hinting that Cosmo had got a gain on Tetrox’s lead.  She was still ahead, but the gap had narrowed.

Arnick scowled at Cosmo from behind Tetrox.  “That little Sneak!” he thought to himself, “Don’t think I didn’t see what you just did there, Cosmo!  You can’t fool me!  You didn’t skip that cut scene to get on with it!  You skipped it so that Tetrox wouldn’t have enough time to rest her trigger finger!”

Arnick didn’t know it at the time, but his hunch was correct.  Cosmo had built up a callous that makes wielding weapons such as his N-Zap ’89 a breeze thanks to years of practicing with light gun games.  So long as Tetrox didn’t have that kind of tolerance for toy, plastic weaponry, then Cosmo had a good chance to wear her finger out which would allow him to not only take the lead but surge past her.

After blasting their way into the mansion, the enemies on screen started to become a mix of soldiers and strange creatures.  Tetrox kept her focus trained on the screen and continued to fire at almost anything that moved.  With her eyes still staring straight ahead at the game, she gave a small smile and said, “Thanks for the assist, Nicky,” knowing he was behind her, “How’d you know to do that?!”

Arnick smiled a confident smile, “I didn’t!” he said plainly, “I just noticed something kept appearing on the screen every now and then and since it seemed to be following a pattern, I figured-“

Tetrox interrupted him, “You noticed a lil’ ole’ thing like that?!”

“How could I not!?” Arnick defended himself, “Frankly it was becoming quite annoying how it would stick out like a sore thumb about every 15 sec-“ he interrupted himself, “Yellow soldier hiding behind the table.”

*BANG*

The table broke apart as the Horseshoe crab soldier in yellow garbs fell back and a stylized +5000 point bonus appearing above them.

As Cosmo silently grit his beak underneath closed lips at the missed bonus, Tetrox couldn’t help but be impressed by Arnick, “You could tell that lil’ ole’ thing was there the whole time?” Tetrox said in awe, “AND how often it showed up?!  Nicky, that’s amazing!”

Arnick actually felt himself blush a little from modest embarrassment.  “Oh it’s nothing that spectacular,” he dismissed.

“Nuh-Uh,” Tetrox said as she blasted three guys and a mutant sea cucumber away, “Seeing a tiny lil’ thing like that with all them big tentacles flying around?  I know I ain’t capable of doing something like that, sugar.”

“It does take some practice,” Arnick admitted, “Although if you’re really interested in that sort of thing, maybe I could teach you how to notice details like that someday.”

“Maybe you will!” Tetrox said sweetly.

Sorrel was about to gag. “Oh! My! COOOOOOOD!” he loudly complained, “Would you two Kissing Gouramis stop already!?  It’s bad enough I don’t have the money to play anything without having to watch you two flirt with each other!”

Arnick’s eyebrow twitched as he whipped around to look menacingly at Sorrel.  “WHAT?!  WE WERE NOT FLIRTING?!”

“You squidding me?!  You totally were!”  Sorrel quipped, “I mean c’mon: ‘If you’re really interested in that sort of thing, maybe I could you teach you how’ and junk!?” he said while making finger quote signs as he spoke, “That’s like flirting One-Oh-One right there!”

“NO IT ISN’T!” Arnick denied, “I was genuinely offering to tutor her on ways to improve her perception!”

“You were not!”

“YES!” Arnick barked, “I WAS!”

“I dunno, Nicky,” Tetrox said with a smile, “You kinda were!”

“WHAT?!  Tutelage is NOT a dating tactic!”

“Dude, it 

totally

 is!”

 Whinter thought to himself as he continued watching the events transpire from a distance.  It was just last week that he was two hours late for team practice after a one-on-one lesson session with Clementine.  He had a perfectly good alibi ready for being tardy too, but the hickey marks on his neck and face gave him away.  Marian chewed him out something royal that day.

Normally, Cosmo would have been all over this conversation like a fly to honey, but he still had ground to cover if he was going to surpass Tetrox.  “Okay, guys,” he called out calmly enough, “Hate to be a buzzkill, but could you keep it down a little?  Kinda throwing off my groove here.”

“What’s the matter, sugar? Having trouble over there?” Tetrox teased.

“What? Me?! Pfft!  No!  I got this,” Cosmo said even though he knew full well that he hadn’t got this.  For someone who had never played or even seen this game before, Tetrox’s aim and reaction times were incredibly good.  It was like she had been practicing or training for something like this.

The second stage boss came and went, and the tallied scores on the screen showed that Tetrox was still in the lead, but Cosmo was slowly catching up.  Cosmo breathed a small sigh of relief before turning to Tetrox, “You sure, you never played this before?  You ain’t hustlin’ me, are yah?”

“Nope!  Just a girl out lookin’ for a good time is all,” Tetrox said with a smile, “Ain’t nuttin’ wrong with that, right sugar?”

Cosmo smiled confidently back at Tetrox.  It was a smile that Arnick noticed and immediately became concerned about.  “But we’re only halfway through this game, and I still got a few tricks up my sleeves!”

“Might as well lay all your cards out on the table, sugar, ‘cause I’m calling!” Tetrox said with a grin.

Cosmo then peered behind Tetrox and grinned at Arnick, “See that?  Now THAT was flirting!”

“THAT WAS BANTER!” Arnick shot back.

“That’s a kind of flirting,” Cosmo stated

Arnick was clearly getting steamed, and Cosmo took a small comfort in knowing that he could still rattle his cage.  Now if he could only figure out how to get under Tetrox’s skin, then he’d be able to shake her off her groove and reclaim the lead.  Fortunately for him, he knew exactly where in Stage 3 he could make that happen.

To Be Continued…

Written by

Some Squid Named Steve [Patreon]

Art by

Oranguin and Splatatattat

WORD FROM THE UHG CREW 

You may have noticed we have a new artist contributing to our silly cause!

Please welcome the newest member of the Unwanted House Guest crew, everyone’s favorite:

Splatty Tatty Tat!

Look forward to more of Tat’s colorful and dynamic work in future updates!

Previous Parts:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Part 8

Part 9

Part 10

Part 11

Part 12

Part 13

Holiday Special

Part 14

Part 15

Part 16

Bonus 1

Part 17

Part 18

Part 19

Part 20

Part 21

Part 22

Bonus 2

Side-Story 1

Part 23

Part 24

Part 25

Part 26

Tammy’s comments: WOO! A great new chapter once again and welcome to the team Tat! Lovely work from everyone!