#meant to post this yesterday but i was very sick! yay!

[kibbozthecat]

PINK!!!

[measuredingold]

to be in love and to be loved

chapter five: the liars club

authors note: helllooo ! i meant to post this last night but forgot... oops ! anyways, new chapter yay ! it was fun writing this and it's mainly in noah's pov. some parts hurt me to write so sorry for any pain caused ? feelings are just hard to figure out. anyways, as always enjoy and feedback is always appreciated :)

pairing: noah sebastian x ofc x nicholas ruffilo

masterlist / cross-posted on ao3

word count: 8.6k

cw: ~kissing~, angst, feelings not being understood, someone (noah) is stubborn and emotional, some yelling during an argument, sexual identity crisis has begun lol, 18+ (minors do not interact.)

Noah wakes up the next morning confused, with a raging fucking headache, and alone. It freaks him out at first, the feeling of the cold bed sheets against his fingertips when he reaches out causing his heart rate to spike, but then he sees his bedroom door ajar. His heart slows down, only briefly, and he groans as he wipes a hand down his face. 

If he's being completely honest, he feels like he got run over about 50 times last night by a goddamn bus, and he can't even remember it. How much did he drink last night? With another groan he rolls over in his bed, face burying into the pillow next to him. He tries to sort through his mind around what exactly happened yesterday, but the only things he can remember are the moments leading up to the bar and then… nothing.

He remembers being on edge all day, freaked out of his fucking mind because he needed everything to go exactly as he planned because if it didn't he'd probably lose it. This wasn't their first show, no, but this was their first album. First time people were coming out to a show to see them specifically, excited to listen to the album they'd been anticipating for months now. He almost made himself sick at one point yesterday.

He remembers that it went way better than he ever expected. The crowd's energy was something he'd never experienced before, and there was no better feeling than having people actually sing your words back to you. He's been working at this for so long and he finally feels like this is exactly where he's supposed to be. Making music for people like him, searching for something that makes them feel like they belong. 

Then he remembers all the congratulations, the pictures, the first few shots at the bar... and that's about it.

He's sure it was just a regular night out for them - throwing back shots and enjoying each other's company - but there's this nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach telling him he's missing something important. He doesn't dwell on it for too long, thought fleeting the very second Naomi steps back into his room. 

Wet curls wrapped up in a towel on top of her head, adorn in one of his old shirts that he's sure she had stolen years ago. All warm and clean and probably smelled amazing, like lavender. One of her favorite scents. He remembers her telling him that it was a smell that brought her comfort, easing her anxiety. She shuts the door behind her quietly and he assumes it's because she thinks he's still asleep, and his assumption was correct when she turned around and yelped.

"Shit!"

Noah can't help but laugh, pressing his face further into the pillow. 

"You suck." Naomi whines out, but he can hear the smile in her voice. "I thought you were asleep."

"I just woke up." He grumbles, followed by a yawn, and flops onto his back. "I thought you were gone."

Her gaze softens as she makes her way towards the bed, and Noah waits for her to sit before throwing an arm around her waist, face burying against her thigh. He practically purrs at the feeling of her fingers immediately tangling in his hair and his eyes flutter shut. He could fall back asleep just like this.

"Why'd you think I was gone?"

"Bed was empty and cold." His voice was muffled as he pressed his face further into her thigh, wanting to be as close as possible. "Thought you left me."

"I would never." He hears Mimi hum above him, and he smiles to himself at the giggle she lets out. She scratches at his scalp again and it takes everything in him to not moan out in pleasure, the feeling having his eyes flutter shut again. 

Seriously, if it weren't the consistent pounding behind his eyes, he would've fallen back asleep already.

"Head hurts." Noah grumbles, reluctantly pulling away from her to bury his face against the pillow beside her legs. "How much did I drink last night?"

"You don't remember?" There's something behind her voice, an edge that wasn't there before, and if he wasn't battling this headache right about now he'd question it, but doesn't. 

Instead he shakes his head, sighing out, "No. I don't really remember much."

The silence that follows doesn't make the ever growing pit in his stomach ease any at all, and there's a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him something happened and he needs to remember it now, but he's so tired. He'll try to remember later. He feels Naomi shift next to him and clear her throat, and he peeks open an eye to watch her get up off the bed.

"I'll get you some water and Ibuprofen, okay? Fix that headache of yours." She's speaking so fast, that edge still there, and it has Noah opening both of his eyes, propping himself up on his elbows.

"Okay."

His stomach drops at the smile she gives him, one that doesn't quite meet her eyes and very much strained before she slips out the door. He falls back the second it shuts, eyes trained to the ceiling. What happened last night that has Mimi acting so... weird? He tries to search through his hazy memories of the night before but nothing comes up. It's as if whatever happened was completely wiped from his memory. 

He tries telling himself that it's nothing, that he just drank way too much and maybe said something a bit out there in front of too many people and that's why Naomi is acting weird. Maybe she doesn't want to embarrass him? He knows he can say some outlandish shit when he's drinking. He covers his face with his arm, groaning quietly to himself.

Everything’s fine. It was nothing... right? 

...

Something's off.

Noah would say these last few days have been fine, great even. The response to their album was amazing, people were loving it. In hindsight, everything was literally perfect. Except... it wasn't? He couldn't exactly put a finger on it, but the uneasiness from a few days ago still lingered, making a home in the pit of his stomach.

Naomi had been acting weird still, though he thinks she seemed more on edge than anything. He assumed it was because she was leaving tomorrow, and the edge was the sadness seeping out into the real world. He tried his best to mask his own sadness, hating that he has to see her leave again, but he's telling himself that they won't go as long without seeing the other again. That'll make it easier.

Jolly seems to be normal. Nothing off balance with the Swede. He’s always been kind of odd, anyways. Folio the same way. Now that he thinks about it, those two actually seem to really be the only people he's encountered the last few days. His brows furrow as his mind thinks back to the last few days, glimpses of the interactions slipping through his mind. 

The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes the only people who truly seemed off were... Naomi and Nicholas. His stomach turns, the unease creeping through his veins when he realizes he's barely seen Nicholas at all since their album release. 

He's barely left his room, door shut at all times, and Noah tries to think of the times he's even seen the male leave. His mind races, thinking of all the possibilities on why Nicholas was being weird, barely leaving his room and speaking to anyone - especially Noah - and for some reason his mind always wanders back to the damn bar that he still can't fucking remember. 

Why can't he remember?

Something settles in his bones, something like... fear? He's not sure what he's even scared of. Maybe it was the not knowing. If he could just fucking remember what happened that night, maybe it could give him some sort of insight on what happened and why everyone is being so fucking weird and -

"Noah?" 

His eyes moved from the television, stuck on some Netflix show he definitely had not been watching to Naomi, who was standing near the couch. She looked... anxious, for better words. Face flushed, brows furrowed, lips turned down into a frown. It's as if she was in pain, but he knew she wasn't. He knew her better than he knew himself sometimes, and he knew there was something on her mind. His stomach turns painfully.

"Yeah?" He clears his throat when his voice breaks at the end, lips pursing. "What's up?"

Naomi chews on her bottom lip, hands wringing in front of her. "...Can we talk?"

Those three words punch Noah in the chest. Can we talk? That could mean so many things. So many things that scare him, that make him think oh no, something's wrong and that the worst is about to come. He's heard it so many times before in the past, he just never expected it to be from her.

"Oh." He swallows, a lump now forming in his throat and he nods. "Yeah. Of course."

She doesn't seem to spot his panic right away and he realizes maybe he's getting better at his poker face, and comes to sit next to him. She's so close, so fucking close, but Noah feels like she's never been so far away. Their legs are brushing but she feels worlds away, not even braving a glance at him. 

He's going to be fucking sick. 

Something is wrong and he doesn't know what and he swears it has something to do with that god forsaken bar he can't remember anything about. Something happened there that made her far, out of reach, and it was obviously so bad that Nicholas won't even talk to him, and... God. 

She's going to break up with him before she leaves. 

He doesn't realize he's panting until he feels Naomi's fingers wrap around his wrists, breaking him from his thoughts.

"Hey, look at me." She sounds farther away, but she's right there, and Noah slowly manages to gaze at her. "There you are. Can you breathe with me? In, out. In, out. Just like that."

He tries to match her breathing, really does, and it isn't until he feels her nails lightly scratching against the inside of his wrists that he feels himself come back to himself. His breathing is still a bit ragged, and he thinks his eyes are burning just a bit but he blinks whatever it is away. They sit in silence for a little while longer and Noah really focuses on the way her nails feel against his skin and how soothing it actually is, and her steady breathing. 

"...I'm guessing you already know what I want to talk about?" Naomi finally speaks after a few moments of bated silence.

Noah can't exactly read her, the look in her eyes something he's never seen from her before. Was it fear? He doesn't know exactly why she would be scared, but the voice in the back of his head is yelling at him because he knows what this is about. The nagging feeling, the deep pit in his tummy... this was it. He swallows away the lump building in the base of his throat, head nodding slowly. 

"You want to break up."

He says it so definitely, his stomach dropping because this is it. This is what she's doing. This is why she's been so weird the last few days because she didn't know how to do it and let him down easy. He doesn't bother looking at Naomi, instead moves his gaze on his lap because he can't bear to see her right now. See the pitying gaze she's probably giving him, her eyes indicating that yes, this is over.

"What?" 

He finally moves his gaze up to hers and pauses at how bewildered she looks, eyes wide with confusion, full lips dipping further into a frown. This almost angers him, almost, because how dare she look confused. His head tilts to the side, eyes searching her face.

"That's what this is about, right?"

"No, baby, that's..." She sighs, brows furrowing again as her head tilts to the side. "That's not even remotely close to what I wanted to talk about." 

Noah pauses again, mind racing at her words. What did she want to talk about then, if not this? He feels her hand slip to his cheek, turning his head back to face her.

"Noah," She sighs out, frowning again, "Why would you even think that?”

He doesn't know how to respond so he shrugs instead, staring at her. Naomi scoots closer to him, their legs now pressing together, and he focuses on her bare skin against his rather than her pleading eyes.

"Baby..." Another sigh follows her words. "Talk to me. What's going on in that head of yours?"

"I don't know." He eventually says, but doesn't dare to look up at her. "You've just been acting weird. Felt like I did something wrong, I don't know."

He rushes his words out, feeling his cheeks heat up at the confession. He was never good at expressing how he felt, how things bothered him. Never wanted to be a burden, too scared of the things that he may say ruining whatever he had going for him. In his time of knowing Mimi, loving Mimi, he's had to come to terms with the fact he just can't do that with her. She insists that he talk about his feelings, always telling him communication is one of her top priorities in any relationship she has - platonic and romantic. That infamous therapy talk of hers.

It was hard for Noah at first, and it still really fucking is, but he tries. He tries his hardest because he doesn't want to let her down.

"You didn't do anything wrong, baby." She's quick to respond, reaching out to place her hand on his thigh. He watches the way her fingers flex around his thigh, trying to calm down his heart that still seems to be racing. "You did nothing wrong, okay?"

"Then what's this about?" Noah doesn't stop the words from leaving him and he doesn't think twice before flicking his gaze up to hers, brown eyes round and wide. "Because when someone says they need to talk, it's usually nothing good."

He knows it's just the anxiety talking, whatever she's wanting to talk about eating at him because what the fuck could it be? If not that, then what else is there to talk about that's made her so... weird? 

"Do you remember Davis' birthday that year I couldn't go? I had to work."

He nods. "Yeah. Barely."

"Right." Naomi rolls her lips before speaking again. "Do you remember almost kissing Nick that night?"

As soon as she said it, the memory came back to him almost instantly. It was pretty shaky, the memory of Nicholas in front of him blurry, but he remembers that exact moment like it was fucking yesterday. They both drank absolutely way too much and the way Nicholas' cheeks were tinted red from the alcohol was... nice. So nice in fact Noah couldn't stop looking at him or his lips, and remembers wondering what it would be like to kiss his best friend. 

His heart pounds against his chest and he swallows down whatever lump was stuck in his throat, gazing back at Mimi.

"...Not really."

Lie. 

"Noah-"

"Okay, yes. I do. Sort of." He pauses to catch his breath, already feeling himself get worked up. "What's that have to do with anything? That was two years ago."

He hates the way she's staring at him, eyes narrowed but still gentle, as if she can see right through him, because she can. She's always been able to read him since the day they met. 

"I never knew that until you mentioned it at the bar."

His eyes widened at that. He got so drunk that night that he confessed to his girlfriend that he almost kissed their best friend? 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

"I'm sorry. It was forever ago, before we were together, it didn't mean-"

"Noah." She drops her hand from his face and holds it up, and Noah stops in the middle of his sentence, lips pressing together as he watches her. "It's okay. I don't care." 

"Oh." He feels himself sink back against the couch, relief filling his body.

Okay. Cool. She didn't care. That was good, right?

"Yeah." Naomi's voice trails and she stares off to the side, as if trying to find her next words. "Well, um. After you... mentioned that, you... Um."

Noah's eyes narrow at her. In the three years he has known Mimi, she wasn't one to stumble over her words. Usually that was his and Nicholas' jobs, stumbling through their sentences and Naomi helping them along the way.

"I... what?" His arms cross over his chest.

"You..." There was another pause and she finally looked back at him, lips pressed in a line. "We kissed."

His brows furrow. "...Okay?"

"All three of us. Kissed."

Oh.

Fuck.

Oh fuckfuckfuck.

“What?” He didn’t intend for his voice to come off so loud but he couldn’t help it, because what the actual fuck did she just say?

"We kissed."

Right. That's what he heard the first time yet it still doesn't sound fucking real. 

What does she mean they kissed? Why the fuck would that ever happen? How did it happen? Noah's gaze tears from Naomi to stare off to the side, too caught up in his own mind to even register that Naomi's gripping his hand, begging him to look at her. His chest feels heavy again, like at least ten tons of weights were just dropped on it.

We kissed. There's no way he actually kissed... no. That couldn't have happened. Noah's stomach turns. He feels hot, almost like he's going to be sick, because this didn't happen. It couldn't have happened. He would've remembered kissing his best friend... or watching his best friend kiss his girlfriend.

His face heats up at the thought.

"...Noah?"

He sucks down a deep breath to try and come back to himself,  finally looking back at Mimi. The weight on his chest lifted only slightly as their eyes met once again. He blinks.

"What?"

"Did it..." Naomi pauses and swipes her tongue over her bottom lip, and Noah can't help but follow it. "Did it mean anything?"

Noah tilts his head. "What did?"

"The almost kiss. Between you and Nicky.” 

He feels his whole-body freeze, stiffening at the implication of her words. Did it mean anything? What does it matter if it meant anything? It was years ago, back before Naomi, back before Noah knew shit about anything... back when it was just him and Nicholas. Back when the only things that meant a goddamn thing to him was his music and his best friend.

And sure, maybe there had been a time where it may have meant something to him, back when he was still learning himself, all awkward and all limbs. Back when things didn't seem to make much sense besides the fact he loved being around Nicholas, he loved his best friend. He had never really had that type of safety growing up, never felt secure, but when he was bouncing around with Nicholas, sleeping on his family's couch, in his bed, shooting the shit into the wee hours of the night with him, he remembers thinking he could live like this forever as long as it was with Nick. 

So yeah, maybe at the time it meant something. Or maybe it was the alcohol in his system that night that made him think that. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. 

He swallows down the lump that was beginning to form in his throat and averts his gaze from Naomi, and he misses the look she gives him. He misses the way her face drops, lips pulling down into a frown, and instead wraps his arms around his middle, curling in on himself.

It didn't mean anything.  

It couldn't mean anything. 

"No." 

It sounded like a lie. His voice wavered and he looked anywhere but Naomi, couldn't dare look at her. He felt... guilty, in a way. That even though this almost kiss was years ago, his skin prickled at the thought of it happening now and how he didn't seem to be to put off by it. His heart pounded against his chest just at the mere thought of their lips brushing and he's frozen in his spot. It happened, just a few nights ago, and he's more upset at the fact he doesn't even fucking remember it.  

Why would he even want to kiss Nicholas, anyway? Naomi was his girlfriend, sitting right next to him. She should be the only person he wants to kiss, touch. 

"...Are you sure?" 

"Of course." He spits out, then flinches because he didn't mean to sound so harsh. He gives Naomi a quick glance before letting his eyes drop again. "Why would it? Nothing even happened, anyways." 

Noah knows why. He fucking knows and it makes his stomach turn, throat close up, and he could probably throw up at any fucking second, but he chooses to ignore it, because the truth is too much. It's not like he still doesn't feel the same for Naomi, that's not it at all. She's the first person he's ever loved this hard, ever considered to be serious with, to start a life with. He knows Naomi is his endgame and has always been. 

So has Nicholas, he briefly thinks, and has to physically shake his head to put the thoughts away. 

They sit in silence for a moment, not uncomfortable, but silence nonetheless and Noah's scared to look at Naomi. Scared to find that she sees through him and his stubbornness, sees through the lies that he spits out, because he doesn't want to think about what'll come after. He can't lose Naomi and the life that they've built together, will build together. He can't lose the stableness she's brought into his life, the love she gives him when sometimes he thinks he doesn't deserve it. He can't lose his best friend - both of them. 

So, he'll continue to lie, continue to tell himself and everyone around him that it meant nothing at the time and definitely doesn't mean a goddamn thing now. 

"Noah." Naomi's voice is so soft, so gentle, he has to squeeze his eyes shut to will away the burning that it brings. "Baby, look at me." 

Her hand is on his arm now and he feels her scoot closer to him, but she's timid, keeping her space. She knows how he gets when he starts to shut down, build the walls back up around himself when things get too complicated because he hates when it starts to feel like that. He's comfortable for the first time in his life and he can't let that slip through his fingers. 

He takes a deep breath, then two, then three, and finally opens his eyes to find Naomi staring at him, brows furrowed in concern. Her hand doesn't leave him, and he relaxes ever so slightly at the feel of her thumb rubbing into his skin, trying to calm him down. Usually, she'd do the thing where she rubs at his wrists, gently scratching at the skin to bring him back down to earth like she had done earlier, but she can't with the way he has his arms wrapped around him, hands tucked away at his sides. 

"Me and Nicholas had an almost kiss, too. I told you that night but I’m assuming you don’t remember." She starts slowly and her hand moves up his arm to rest against the back of his neck, fingers digging into his skin gently to rub out any tension there. It was helping. "We didn't, though, because of you." 

"Me?" He perks up at that, but for some reason his chest aches, heart pounding again.  

Why did they stop because of him? Why was he the reason for their kiss ending before it ever even started? The guilt comes back, settling in the pit of his stomach. 

Naomi nods. "It didn't feel right... with how I felt about you and...." 

She trails off and he can tell she's choosing her words carefully, like she was leaving out something, but he doesn't say anything. Noah swallowed thickly, eyes scanning her face. 

"I..." He watches her eyes flutter shut and watches her throat bob as she swallows down whatever fear may linger there. "I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't. Well - he didn't. He asked me what about Noah? and we stopped." 

"That doesn't make any sense." The words leave him before he can even think about it. "You shouldn't have stopped because of me." 

"Yes, we should have." Her answer was quick, and Noah can only stare at her. "We should have because it wasn't fair to you." 

"Why?" He doesn't get it, or... maybe he does, but he refuses to believe what's so obviously in front of him.  

"Jesus." Naomi breathes out, a quiet laugh following. "This is a lot harder than I thought it would be." 

Her hand drops from his neck to rest back against his arm, and he watches the movements, eyes following her fingers drawing circles, tracing the artwork that was etched across his skin.  

"It wasn't fair to you because of how we felt about you." She starts off slowly, eyes dropping down to her hand. "We both cared about you so much then, and still do. At the time it was more confusing, but I think," She takes a deep breath before her eyes find him again. "I think it didn't feel right to do that with you not there. It didn't feel complete." 

Complete. They didn't feel complete without him there and that has his stomach turning, as if a thousand butterflies were let off inside of him but he can't seem to be happy about it. It can't mean what he's thinking. He refuses to even believe that because that would mean what he's feeling is true and that's impossible. 

How the hell can you love two people at once and it's fine? It sounds fucking selfish. 

"I don't..." His words trail off and he has to look away from her, her gaze becoming far too much.  

Both of her hands slide back up his neck this time, turning him back to her but he shuts his eyes before their gazes even meet. He's being stubborn, he fucking knows, but it's too much. He can't do this. Not now. 

"Noah..." 

"What?" He tries to make it sound harsh, but it instead comes out weak, voice cracking at the end. Noah opens his eyes, and the look Naomi is giving him is borderline painful, and he has to swallow down the lump in his throat once again. 

"I... liked it when we kissed the other night." She finally starts again, voice barely above a whisper. Noah averts his gaze, eyes dropping to his lap, but her hand doesn't leave his neck. "...And I think you liked it, too." 

His stomach is full of twists and turns, a voice in the back of his head telling him that she's right. Even if doesn't remember it he knows he liked it, more than he should have, and his eyes squeeze shut to try and wrack his brain around some type of memory to remind him of how it felt, but nothing comes. 

He wishes he could remember, but he can’t. So, he says the first thing that comes to his mind. 

"I... I don't know if I liked it." Lie, but he pushes through it.  

"...And that's okay. If you don't know." Naomi speaks so carefully, thumbs brushing against his skin as her eyes scan his face. "You don't need to know right now. I just needed you to know." 

"And what is it I need to know?" 

"That I liked kissing Nicholas. Far more than I probably should." She pauses, sucking in a deep breath. "And that I think you liked it too, but you don't know how to feel about it, and that's completely okay."  

They keep their eyes on each other for a moment or two, the silence slowly eating away at him. How could she know that? There's no way she could know that. Hell, Noah barely even knows that. He wishes he could fucking remember what it was like, his lips against Nicholas'. The way it felt when their lips finally met. The way it made him feel in that moment, after waiting for it for so long. He can feel goosebumps rise across his skin just at the mere thought of their lips brushing and his face flushes out of embarrassment.  

Naomi doesn't comment on it. 

"So," He clears his throat, eyes dropping again. "What does this mean?"  

"Nothing. If that's what you want."

Noah's silent, and he doesn't move his gaze from his lap. 

"I love you." Naomi presses, and she's leaning forward, lips ghosting over his cheek. "That hasn't changed and will never, ever change. I just... needed to be honest with you." There's another pause in her words and she pulls back, eyes scanning him again. "And I want you to be honest with yourself. It doesn't need to be right now, but whenever you're ready. Okay?" 

He swallows thickly again, and he thinks his eyes are burning but he refuses to even acknowledge that. His stomach twists and turns at the implication of her words and he so desperately wishes he could do that, for her, for himself, but he can't. Not yet at least. 

So instead, he nods, quietly saying, "I love you."

He hopes that's enough for her, for now, and he thinks it is when she leans in to press their lips together. It's different from the others they've shared, something else is behind it and he can't quite place it, but it only has him pressing harder against her, trying to deepen it. He loves her, with his entire being, and hopes one day he can be honest with her in the way she's wanting. 

Maybe. 

"Okay." She says once she pulls back, taking a deep breath to come back to herself. Her hands slide up and down his neck and she gives him a small smile, and this time it reaches her eyes. "Wanna help me finish packing?"

Noah nods, finally unwrapping his arms from around himself. "Yeah... I wanna help."

Her smile grows wider at that, and he actually returns it before letting her pull him up and off the couch, dragging him towards his room to finish packing for her flight tomorrow morning. He does his best to ignore the voice in his head screaming at him when they pass Nicholas' room, especially when he catches himself staring at the shut door longingly.

… 

He's pissed.

No - he's downright fucking livid.

He'd never seen such heartache in Naomi's face when he told her that Nicholas wouldn't be coming to the airport to drop her off, even though he so clearly was home, holed up in his room. She acted as if it didn't bother her, only for a second, before the tears fell. Noah swore he saw red, never once in his life being so... disappointed in his best friend. He hated anyone that made Naomi upset, and knowing it was Nicholas at the other end of this anger was something Noah's never experienced.

He kept it together for her, even when he kissed her goodbye. Especially when she asked Noah to let Nicholas know that she said goodbye, and that she'll text when she lands. The drive home was excruciating and he swears he broke several traffic laws because he couldn't stop thinking about it. What the fuck was Nicholas' problem? 

If he had been so bothered by what happened then he should say that. Noah can take the rejection - it hurts less because he doesn't exactly remember it. At least he thinks it does, but maybe this anger he's feeling is overshadowing the ache in his chest that's yearning to remember what it was like to have Nicholas' lips on his. He barely thinks about it, actually, so consumed by the anger and disappointment rising in him, he slams the front door shut. 

No one else is home. Just him, Nicholas, and an empty house. His feet move before he can even think about it, taking him up the stairs and down the hall, second door on the left. Noah swings open Nicholas' door, the latter looking up from his desk, sketch pad placed in front of him. His brows furrow at the sight of Noah, confusion written all over his face and that somewhat pisses off Noah even more. 

"What the hell is your problem?"

This surprises Nicholas, eyes widening. "What?" 

"Cut the fucking bullshit." This has Nicholas' pressing his lips together and Noah steps into his room, shutting the door behind him. He points over at Nicholas, eyes narrowing. "Mind telling me what's been up your ass this last week?"

Nicholas pauses. "Nothing."

"Sure." Noah scoffs, arms crossing over his chest. "You seriously suck at lying, dude. You always have." 

"It's nothing, Noah." Nicholas grumbles, low and annoyed, and he's swinging his chair back around to his desk, staring down at the flash sheet before him. "Just been busy."

"With what?" Noah knows he should keep it down, knowing the other guys are just in the living room, but he can't find it in himself to even care. "We fucking live together, man. I know when you're busy."

Silence.

"She was expecting you to be there, you know." Noah grits out, voice shaking. "Do you know how hard it was to watch her cry? Knowing it was over you? Really fucking hard, Nick. She wanted you there." 

Nicholas doesn't say anything to this, but Noah notices the moment his shoulders tense, his actions pausing, before picking his pen up again. 

"Oh, so you’re just not gonna say anything? How fucking mature.”

"I don't know what you want from me, Noah." Nicholas sounds defeated as he whips around in his chair, shoulders slumping forward as sad, gray eyes meet Noah's brown ones.

"I want you to tell me what the fuck is going on." He's angry, maybe irrationally so, but he doesn't care. He's pissed, hands shaking at his sides as his eyes narrowed down on his best friend.

"Nothing's going on."

"Stop lying to me!" Noah's voice booms throughout the bedroom and both boys pause, eyes widening.

Noah doesn't yell. In a song, sure, but never ever in conversation. And never at Nicholas. In the years he's known the boy, he can't really remember any argument that they've had that led to a raised voice. It was never like that with him, but maybe things have changed. A lot of things have changed.

He sucks in a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut as he tries to calm himself down. Naomi's voice fills his mind, softly chanting in and out, in and out, in and out. He feels like he's spiraling, the anger and confusion coming to a halt inside his body and not sure how to release. He hates feeling like this, he hates being angry at Nicholas, but he can't help it. He's lying. Noah knows he's lying and he doesn't have a damn clue on why he keeps it up.

"Stop lying." He says softer now, voice wavering. "You don't need to lie."

"Yes, I do."

"If..." In, out. In, out. In, out. "If this is about the stupid fucking kiss from the other night, it's not that big of a deal."

His stomach drops the second those words leave his mouth, and he's sure Nicholas has the same feeling with the way his eyes are widening, staring at him in disbelief. 

"I remember - well, Mimi told me. But I know." He pauses. "That's it, isn't it? The kiss? You're being fucking weird because of a stupid kiss?"

It wasn't stupid. Even if he doesn't remember it he knows it wasn't, but he can't seem to stop the words tumbling from his mouth.

"Yes." Nicholas finally grits out, eyes narrowing at him. "It is about the stupid kiss."

"I knew it." Noah laughs and it's such a sad fucking sound, because he doesn't feel any better hearing those words from Nicholas. Actually, he somehow feels worse. "I fucking knew it."

Nicholas laughs now, a crazy sound, and he runs a wild hand through his hair before his arms flail out around him.

"What the fuck do you want to say then, Noah? I mean, since you already know everything." It's Nicholas' turn to narrow his gaze, anger brewing behind his eyes. “I don’t know what you fucking want from me if you already know so much. What’s there to even talk about, huh?”

"I just want you to be honest with me," Noah tries to keep his voice level, but there is another waver towards the end, and he has to curl his hands into fists and squeeze. 

In and out, in and out, in and out. 

"Honest? You want honesty?" With another laugh that sounds anything but humorful, Nicholas rises from his chair and takes a step closer to Noah. "Do you know how fucking hard it is to watch the person you love be with someone else? And then have them kiss you?”

There it is. 

He thinks deep down he knew all along that Nicholas loved Naomi. The more he thought about it - and he's thought about it a lot these last 24 hours - the more it made sense. Noah remembers the longing glances shared between the two, remembers the tension whenever they first met. Maybe he tried convincing himself it was nothing just to justify his own feelings, but it was always clear as day.

Nicholas fucking loved her. His hands shake at the thought and he squeezes them into fists again, fingernails digging into the skin of his palm. It hurts to hear out loud even though he knew. He fucking knew.

But he thinks it hurts more knowing that it's just her, and not him.

"Naomi told me." He manages to get out, swallowing down the lump in his throat. "She told me about the first time you tattooed her. How you guys didn't..." He can't say it fully, taking a deep breath before continuing, "because of me. You spared my feelings because you'd rather, I don't fucking know, deprive yourself of happiness because you didn't want to hurt my feelings?"

Nicholas doesn't say anything again, just stares at him with his lips pressed together and for some reason that angers Noah even more.

"Did you think I couldn't handle it? Her rejection? I could have." He takes a step closer to Nicholas, the other boy watching him carefully. "I would have if it meant that you two were happy. That's all I ever fucking cared about."

They're toe to toe now, not touching just yet but almost there. Nicholas' eyes soften. 

"Noah, that's all I cared about, too. That's why I couldn't do it, because of you and-"

"Because of me! That's all I keep hearing. Me, me, me. You didn't know how I'd feel. You didn't know how I'd react. Not once did you even think of yourself, either of you, because for some reason you both are so worried about how I'd feel." The words fall from his lips without much thought and a humorless laugh slips from him, arms moving wildly at his sides. "And now look, you resent me! Probably Mimi, too, because of a choice you made."

Was it harsh? Maybe, but Noah was done letting this shit build up inside of him. If Nicholas wanted to ignore him then goddammit, he was going to get out everything he's been wanting to say for the last two days. 

Nicholas looks at Noah now as if he's just grown two heads and for some reason that just makes him angrier. Why is he confused? He doesn't get to act confused, he's the one that's been ignoring them, resenting them, for a choice he made. 

"I don't resent you."

"Could've fooled me.”

"I don't-" Nicholas pauses, taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of his nose. "I don't fucking resent you. I don't resent Mimi, either. If anything I resent myself for being fucking stupid."

It's Noah's turn to be confused, eyes narrowing down at his best friend.

"What?"

Nicholas opens his mouth to speak but closes it almost instantly. He doesn't say anything, just stares at him with wide eyes and Noah's not sure what to do next. He doesn't understand any of this. If Nicholas didn't resent them, then why the hell was he acting like he did? 

"I..." Noah's stomach twists at the sight of tears welling in Nicholas' eyes and he forces himself to look away, anywhere and everywhere but his face. "How can you not fucking see, Noah?"

"See what?"

They're so close. So fucking close and Noah finally gains enough courage to look at Nicholas again, and immediately wishes he hadn't. He watches the first tear fall, stream down Nicholas' cheeks, and he feels like someone just stabbed him in the fucking chest repeatedly. Why was he crying? What was there to cry over? 

"How I feel about Naomi. How I feel about you." Nicholas sounds so small, voice barely above a whisper.

"...About me?" Noah asks dumbly, but his mind is working double time already, heart thudding loudly against his chest.

There's no way Nicholas is admitting to this. Admitting to something that Noah told himself years ago would never fucking happen - could never fucking happen. That's why he shoved it so far back into his mind, his heart, because he could never allow something like that to come between him and his best friend. 

"Noah, I..." The words are on the tip of his tongue and Noah knows what he's going to say. He can feel it in his fucking bones and he feels his hands shaking at his sides again, but this time with anticipation. "I..."

"Nicky." Noah all but whines out, voice soft and eyes pleading. 

Nicholas' mouth shuts and Noah sees the exact moment his gaze falls to his lips before moving back up. His ears ring and his skin heats up, standing there while Nicholas reaches for him, tattooed hands cupping his face. He watches the boy lean in and barely even registers the fact that Nicholas' lips are against his before the other is pulling back, eyes wide. 

"Shit, Noah - I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm so fucking sorry-"

Noah's not paying attention to his words, no, his ears are still ringing so fucking loud that Nicholas sounds muffled right now. He's too busy thinking about the way Nicholas' hands are still cradling his face and how gentle he was with him, their lips pressing together in what he thinks was the gentlest kiss of his life. Well, sort of a kiss. He didn't even kiss back, didn't think to kiss back because his brain short circuited. His lips were soft, not nearly as soft as Mimi's, but still softer than he imagined.

"- I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have done that without asking, I'm fucking sorry-"

Noah reaches up to circle his fingers around Nicholas' wrists when he feels the other trying to slip away. He keeps his hands there, against his face, and stares at him for another beat before surging forward. Their lips crash together with such force that they both stumble and Noah's hands drop from Nicholas' wrists to rest against his hips, keeping him steady. He thinks he hears Nicholas make some kind of noise, feels the vibration against his lips, but that damn ringing in his ears won't stop.

This kiss isn't anything like the one they just shared. Far from it. It's messy, sloppy, and all teeth, but it has Noah's skin buzzing in what he can only assume is excitement and fucking relief because this is what he's always imagined it to be like. Years of pent up frustration, long years of fucking yearning has led to this and Noah can't help but whine against Nicholas' lips. It's like they fit perfectly together, like Nicholas was the missing puzzle piece in this story. It reminds him of kissing Naomi, and how much he loves it, and how perfect and right it always feels. 

Naomi.

It's like his brain was on autopilot and just finally turned back out, screeching to a halt as the realization finally dawned on him. 

He can already feel the panic settling into his bones, rising until it lodges in the base of his throat and he all but pushes Nicholas away from him as if he's been burned. He feels like he's going to throw up at any second and he wishes that his ears would stop fucking ringing so loud, because all he can see is Nicholas' mouth moving but no words are coming out. The other takes a step towards him, arms reaching out but Noah shakes his head quickly. He takes two large steps back.

"Noah?”

It's muffled and barely sounds like Nicholas. Noah shakes his head again and takes another step back, yelping when he comes in contact with the door. He has to get out of here.

"I'm sorry." He gets out shakily before he reaches for the door handle and throws the door open, rushing for the stairs.

FuckFuckFuck.

He needs to get out of there. He needs to leave and go somewhere so fucking far away because he cannot stay here. No, he can't. The last glimpse he had of Nicholas crosses his mind, the absolute heartbreak written all over his face, and his chest hurts. It hurts so fucking bad and he can't breathe and-

"Woah. Slow down there, man."

Jolly chuckles and rests his hands on Noah's shoulders, but the younger boy doesn't know what's funny. He looks at him, gets out that he's headed somewhere, anywhere but here, and sees the moment confusion and then concern crosses Jolly's features. He doesn't let him question it, already ripping himself from his friends grasp. He grabs his keys that are still sitting on the counter where he left them, pats his pockets to make sure he still has his phone, and bolts out the door without another thought.

...

Her apartment feels foreign to her. She's tried so hard to make it feel like home, and it did at one point, but now it just... feels like a space she lives in. Richmond feels the same. This was the place where she grew up, where she became who she is today, and yet she's never felt so disconnected from it. It isn't home. Not anymore.

Home is almost three thousand miles away.

Naomi's eyes glance over at her phone next to her on the floor and sighs when no new notifications show up. She's only been home for about an hour, texting both Noah and Nicholas the second she walked through the door. She wasn't too surprised that Nicholas didn't respond, seeing as he didn't even bother telling her goodbye this morning, but Noah's silence comes as a shock. Usually she's welcomed with a text right when she lands from the boy, asking if she's landed yet and that he misses her.

There was nothing.

She knew how angry he was when Nicholas didn't meet them at the car this morning, ignoring both their texts. She knew he tried his best to hide how he was feeling, especially when she didn't do a good job hiding how she did. She felt guilty, in a way, crying over someone else when Noah was right there. He was so understanding, though, and had been ever since she told him how she felt about the kiss and Nicholas.

Naomi knew deep down it was because he understood how she felt, but was too stubborn to figure it out for himself and admit to it. 

She sighs again as she tosses another shirt from her suitcase into the dirty clothes pile she's made in the middle of her room, trying to distract herself from her thoughts. She doesn't want to do laundry. She wishes she could snap her fingers and everything would be cleaned and put neatly in its place, it'd save her a lot of time. 

She really tries hard to not dwell on it, but her hand is moving for her phone before she can stop herself. She'll just text him again, make sure he's alright and didn't do something stupid like confront Nicholas. She never gets to ask, though, the incoming phone call screen popping up on her phone. Her breath hitches when she realizes it was Nicholas calling her.

She lets it ring three times before answering.

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for being a stubborn fucking asshole and not saying goodbye. I'm sorry for ignoring you like a child." Nicholas' voice comes out quickly, words rushing together that she barely even catches what he's saying.

"Nicky, slow down-"

"I'm sorry for running away and not being brave enough to even talk about what happened-"

"Nicholas."

"- and I'm sorry for not telling you I loved you sooner. I should've done that a long time ago, but I'm a coward." Nicholas pauses to suck in a deep breath, probably to try and center himself. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Naomi. I'd take it all back if I could."

"...What?" It's stupid to say but it's all she could manage out.

“… I love you."

Mimi is stunned into silence, mouth agape as her brain tries to process whatever the fuck Nicholas just told her. Their first conversation in almost a week and this is not what she was expecting. Well, maybe the apology, but not the confession. 

I'm sorry for not telling you I loved you sooner. 

It should feel good. It should feel really good to hear those words, to know that he loves her, because she loves him, but it doesn't. It feels far from it. Nicholas sounds so broken and defeated on the other end that she knows that this didn't come from a place of happy realization. 

Something happened. With Noah, no doubt. Something stirs in the pit of her stomach.

"Noah talked to you."

"He did." 

She stays silent, the confirmation swirling around her mind. Noah talked to him. 

"He left." Nicholas' voice shakes and she can already see his face, crumbling as the tears well in his eyes. She doesn't bother stopping her own, the pit in her stomach now feeling like impending fucking doom. His sniffle on the other end breaks her heart. "He barged into my room, yelled at me. Deserved. I was being an ass, I’m sorry. And then I kissed him. He asked me to be honest and I fucking kissed him because it was easier doing that than saying it."

"Nicky..."

"He just stood there and I knew I fucked up, I knew it, but then... fuck, then he kissed me." He sniffles again, followed by a pitiful whine. "Then he left. Pulled away from me like I was some sort of fucking plague and ran off. He's been gone for like two hours. I don't..." A shaky sigh follows his words and her heart feels like it's about to fall out of her chest. "He’s gone. I don't know where he is, Mimi."

Fuck.

[mywingsareinvisible]

Sweet Kiss

Just a little snippet how that kiss at the end of episode 5 came to be because I have decided I love Nine and he is a love-sick childhood friend.

I already posted this on Ao3, so in case you want to read this there: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42882546

Nine doesn’t know why Yai is sad but his behavior yesterday made it clear that he was not all right. This was even more reason to be delighted when Yai accepted his invitation for dinner because Nine could cheer him up. And it seemed like he had been successful because Yai had been his cheerful and charming self all evening. The caterpillar might have helped distract him, even though it probably hadn’t been pleasant, but Nine did his best to entertain Yai and make him feel comfortable. He couldn’t help but worry. Seeing Yai unhappy just made him feel bad too. After the dinner, they had no hurry to go home. Yai didn’t seem to have noticed the number of couples around. It made Nine a bit shy, although he had deliberately chosen the restaurant because of the romantic atmosphere. Luckily, Yai was a bit oblivious in that regard as he only praised the good food as they stopped outside. He looked satisfied. He also looked very handsome. And cute. With a smile, he remembered his reaction to the poor caterpillar. Yai had always been endearing though. Nine hadn’t seen him in so long and it just made him realize how much… “What?” Yai leaned his head slightly to the side looking at him expectantly. “Nothing”, he said quickly, running a hand through his hair. Then he smiled. “It’s just nice to be with you again. I missed you.” He meant it. Maybe the best approach was to be honest and see how it went. It was already worth it because Yai seemed to be shy, looking away with a slight blush. “It’s nice that you are back.” It was a bit mumbled, but sweet and then Yai met his eyes again. But Nine could see that his thought drifted somewhere else. He wanted to ask if he was okay. He wanted to comfort him. Before he could help himself he had lifted a hand to Yai’s cheek, stroking his thumb along soft skin. “You..”, he began, unsure what he even wanted to say. “I…” Yai just stared at him curiously. Nine’s eyes flickered lower for a split second because he couldn’t resist. Immediately after he saw the realization in Yai’s eyes. But he didn't move away. Nine wanted to be close to him so desperately. He wanted to touch him and comfort him and love him. He didn’t know what Yai was going through at the moment. Guessing from the few hints he had gotten maybe a breakup. It might be questionable to come onto Yai when he was vulnerable but he just wanted to make him happy. He would make him happy if Yai let him. His hand slid to Yai’s neck and he closed his eyes as he leaned down. The feeling of Yai’s lips on his was perfection. Whoever had let Yai down was an idiot. Yai deserved better and if he wanted Nine would give him the world. He drowned the fear that Yai didn’t want him to in their sweet kiss.

[sortaotaku]

Kyle ECB Story Translation

I hope everyone is safe and doing alright!

Hello~ I’m back! I haven’t abandoned my Tumblr blog. I have been away finishing papers, doing online exams and busy opting out of my university exchange program because of the pandemic. Afterwards I indulged myself in binge watching/reading Kimetsu no Yaiba and baking a whole bunch of different sweets. (Souffle pancakes, sakura cookies, cream puffs, milk buns, green tea sponge cake and all that good stuff) I also celebrated my 21st birthday on the 4th! (Before our favorite spicy hatter)

Here’s that ECB Kyle story from the Secret Message collection event (Ikerev TW) that I promised a LONG time ago. It’s the same event as the “Blossoming Romance” collection event that just ended I think. I’m pretty sure I have Jonah’s too so I can do that one too if anyone want me to.

I also did Edgar’s collection story: https://sortaotaku.tumblr.com/post/188554992898/ikerev-tw-secret-message-collection-event-story

在一個吹拂著春天氣息 , 微風和緩又溫暖的下 

Under the gentle spring breeze, in the midst of the warmth of spring

我在醫務室工作的時候 , 看到擺在窗臺的一盆 花綻放了 。 

While working in the infirmary I noticed a potted plant placed by the window.

( 我還以為醫務室裡種的都是香草和藥草之類 的呢 . . . . ) 

(And here I thought all the plants in the infirmary would be medicinal herbs)

Alice 「 凱爾 , 這是什麼花 ? 」 

Alice: Kyle, what’s this flower?

凱爾 「 是九重葛 , 終於開花了呀 。 」 

Kyle: It’s a bougainvillea. So it has finally bloomed huh?

Alice 「 好可愛的花呀 ! 顏色好鮮艶 . .

Alice: What a cute flower! The colour is so vibrant.

凱爾 「 你喜歡嗎 ? 」 

Kyle: Do you like it?

Alice 「 嗯 ! 但是這個是要用來入藥的嗎 ? 」 

Alice: Yeah! But is this going to be used for medicine?

凱爾 「 是呀 , 不���只用葉子 。 」 

Kyle: Yes, but only the leaves.

( 這樣呀 , 原來用不到花呀 。 ) 

(So that’s it. The flower won’t be used)

這鮮豔的花朵給簡樸的醫務室帶來了一絲明豔 的色彩 。 

The bright flowers gave the plain office some colour.

( 看來在醫務室擺些鮮花也挺不錯的呢 。 ) 

(It seems that keeping some flowers in infirmary is quite nice)

( 看到的人們也會有種治癒心靈的感覺 . . . 真 希望除了九重葛外 , 也能多裝飾一些其它花朵 呢 。 ) 

(Seeing the flowers may help lighten people up, I do hope that more flowers aside from the bougainvillea can be brought in.

—— 第二天 。 

~ The second day

我在醫務室裡裝飾了幾個插著人造花的小花瓶 

I decorated the infirmary with vases filled with artificial flowers.

凱爾 「 這是什麼 ? 」 

Kyle: What’s this?

Alice 「 昨天那盆九重葛不是開花了嗎 ? 我覺得在醫 務室裡擺些花很不錯 。 」 

Alice: Didn’t the bougainvillea bloom yesterday? I thought that it would be nice to place some flowers in the infirmary.

凱爾 「 原來如此 , 但為什麼要擺人造花 ? 」 

Kyle: Oh so that’s it. Why artificial flowers?

Alice 「 我怕鮮花的花香會對醫務室的工作有影響 。 」 

Alice: I was concerned the smell of flowers might negatively affect the work environment of the infirmary.

Alice 「 身體不舒服的時候 , 不能去聞太刺鼻的香味 吧 ? 」 

Alice: It probably wouldn’t be too good to smell something pungent while you’re sick right?

凱爾 「 妳 . . . 考慮得很周到嘛 。 」 

Kyle: Wow, you’ve thought a lot about this. (A/N meaning she is through and considerate)

凱爾一邊微笑著一邊用手輕輕摸了摸我的頭 。 

Kyle chuckled lightly and patted my head.

( 阿阿 , 被他稱讚了 。 ) 

(Yay, he praised me) (A/N Alice is such a cutie pie) 

他寬大的手掌帶來的觸感讓我感到十分高興 , 臉上不禁露出了笑容 。 

The feeling of his big hand made me exceedingly happy, a big smile appeared on my face. (A/N 十分高興 literal 10 minute happy, but meant as very happy)

凱爾 「 那個啊 , 今天晚上有空嗎 ? 」 

Kyle: So. Are you free tonight?

Alice 「 有空呀 , 是想約我去喝一杯嗎 ? 」 

Alice: Yes, I’m free. Did you want to invite me out for drinks?

凱爾 「 啊 , 不是的 . . . 有空的話 , 就到我房間來吧 。 」

Kyle: Um it’s not that, if you have free time then stop by my room then.

Alice 「 . . . 好的 。 」 

Alice: ... Sure.

( 凱爾居然會主動邀請我 , 真難得 。 ) 

(Kyle took the initiative and invited me over. How rare)

雖然不知道邀請的理由是什麼 . . . . 

Though I don’t have a clue as to why he’s inviting me over...

我一邊為這個約會暗自悸動 , 一邊開始了當天 的工作 . . . 

I secretly excitedly looked forward to this meeting as I started on the days work.

( . . . 明明是對我發出了邀請 . . . ) 

(... Even though he was the one who invited me...)

一起在房間裡隨意喝了幾杯後 , 凱爾就直接在 床上睡著了 。 

After nonchalantly finishing a few drinks in his room together, Kyle collapsed onto his bed. (A/N ahaha same tho... I’m in the bad tolerance club too)

( 今天也很忙 , 看來是他真的很累了吧 . . . . ) 

(It was quite busy today, I guess he must be really tired...)

我也覺得有點睏 , 就鑽到凱爾身旁躺了下來 。 

I feel quite tired, I’ll just tuck myself in with Kyle and take a rest too. (A/N she said she’ll tunnel into where his body is. She wants to be the little spoon. A woman of good taste she is...)

( 凱爾 , 晚安 。 ) 

(Goodnight Kyle)

相互依偎傳遞而來的體溫非常舒適 , 我很快就 進入了夢鄉 . . . 

Because the warmth of his body snuggled against me felt very comfortable I quickly dozed off...

接著 , 在小憩片刻之後 . . . 

After the short rest...

隱約聽到了什麼聲音 , 我抬起沉重的眼簾 。 

After hearing a faint noise, I lifted my heavy eyelids.

( 凱爾 . . . . ? 他醒了嗎 ? ) 

(Kyle... did he wake up?)

我昏昏沉沉地思考著這些 , 並將頭轉向了他 

I drowsily tried to make sense of everything while turning to look at him.

凱爾 「 . . . 呢 ! 」 

Kyle: ...Guh!

Alice 「 凱 、 凱爾 . . . . ! ? 」 

Alice: K-Kyle?!

凱爾 「 . . . 搞什麼啊 , 明明就差一點了 。 」 

Kyle: ... What is this, just when I was almost... (A/N He’s asking what she is doing as if she’s messing around)

Alice 「 差一點是怎麼回事 . . . . ? 」 

Alice: What do you mean almost?

我看到凱爾的手上正握著盛開的九重葛 。 

I saw clenched in Kyle hand a fully bloomed bougainvillea.

凱爾 「 算了 , 先不要動喔 ? 」 

Kyle: Ah don’t think about it, don’t move kay?

Alice 「 嗯 , 好的 。 」 

Alice: Ah ok.

凱爾把手放到床頭板上 , 然後傾身探了過來 , 床褥在壓力下發出吱呀聲響 。 

Kyle planted his arm on the headboard, then lightly leaned over. The bed creaked under the weight. (A/N KYAAA BED KABEDON SOMEONE HELP ME!!! *fans self obnoxiously*)

( 唔 . . . ! ) 

( Ohhh my...!)

骨節分明的手指輕輕觸碰著頭髮 , 近在咫尺的 距離使我心跳加速 。 

His fingers gently touched my hair, the closeness caused my heart rate to increase. (A/N the descriptor added for his fingers is something like sharp/bony)

凱爾 「 . . . 真的很適合 。 」 

Kyle: It really suits you a lot.

凱爾用像是梳理般的動作撫摸我的髮絲 , 露出 無比柔和的眼神 。 

Kyle stroked my hair with comb-like motions while showing an extremely warm expression. (A/N soft, warm and/or gentle look)

Alice 「 欽 . . . . ? 」 

Alice: ....? (A/N it says “qin” but idk what that sound effect is supposed to mean)

我用手輕輕觸碰頭的一側 , 手指便碰到了花瓣 

I lightly ran my hand over the side of my head and my fingers brushed over flower petals.

( 這是 . . . . 九重葛 ? ) 

(This is... the bougainvillea?)

凱爾 「 我看你好像很喜歡這種花 , 就想���如果早上 起來看到這個變成了自己的頭飾應該會很高興 。 」 

Kyle: I saw that you liked the flower a lot so I figured you might like it if you were to wake up to find that it became your hair ornament.

Alice 「 原來是這樣啊 . . . 凱爾 , 謝謝你 ! 」 

Alice: So it was was like that. Thank you Kyle!

凱爾 「 . . . 一笑起來就更般配了 , 真的好可愛啊 。 

Kyle: It suits you even more when you’re smiling. You’re so cute. (A/N dang son he’s such a smooth operator)

Alice 「 . . . . 唔 。 」 

Alice: .... Oh.

( 凱爾有時說話真的很坦白呢 . . . ) 

(Kyle can be so direct when he speaks sometimes) (A/N unfiltered/frank/honest)

但這直率的話語總是能直擊我的心 

But the cool way of speaking always seems to move me. (A/N strike at her heart)

每當這種時候 , 我都會覺得自己的全身心都被 他所俘虏了 。 

Every time this kind of situation happens, I feel as if my whole body and heart has been captured by him.

Alice 「 難道你 . . . 就是為了這件事 , 才邀請我到房 間來的 ? 」 

Alice: Could it be... Because of this matter... you invited me to your room?

凱爾 「 是呀 , 妳不是說花很漂亮啊什麼的 , 看起來 很高興嗎 ? 」 

Kyle: Yeah, didn’t you say the flower was pretty? You looked real happy.

( 原來他一直都有在注意我 。 ) 

(So he has really been paying close attention to me)

Alice 「 真高興 .… 」 

Alice: I’m so happy

凱爾 「 . . . . 是嗎 。 」 

Kyle: Is that so

凱爾低聲說著 , 用雙手緊緊地抱住了我 。 

Kyle said in a low voice as he embraced me tightly with both arms. (A/N low voice as in volume, he’s whispering)

Alice 「 凱 、 凱爾 . . . ? 」 

Alice: K-kyle?

凱爾 「 都怪妳總是擺出一副讓人忍不住抱緊妳的表 情 。 」 

Kyle: It’s your fault for always making an expression that make people can’t help but to want to hug you tightly.

( . . . 呃 , 被他這麼一說 . . . ) 

(... Ahh when he says it like that...)

他的低語讓我的臉頰發燙 。 

His voice made my cheeks hot. (A/N low whisper)

凱爾「雖然我在妳面前總是很難表現出帥氣的一面.....]

Kyle: Though it’s hard for me to show a cool face when I’m in front of you. (A/N show his cool and handsome side)

凱爾「但這樣的時光讓我感到非常幸福，我真的很喜歡。」

Kyle: But these kinds of times make me feel really fortunate, I really like it. (A/N 幸福 again! Meaning happiness, fulfillment and all that kind of stuff) 

凱爾「所以無論是今天還是明天還是後��，我都要一直跟妳在一起。」

Kyle: And so whether it be today or tomorrow or the day after that, I want to continue staying by your side.

Alice「…我也是。」

Alice: Me too

抱緊我的手稍稍放緩了一些我的視線與凱爾充滿憐愛的目光交織在一起。

He guided my hands down a little bit. My eyes met with Kyle’s loving gaze.

Alice「凱爾…就保持現在這樣就好了。」

Alice: Kyle... let’s stay like this.

我把手繞到凱爾的脖子上，親吻了他。

I wrapped my arms around Kyle’s neck and gave him a kiss

Alice 「.....唔。」

Alice: ...Oh

回應親吻的甜蜜觸感，讓我發出陣陣喘息。

In response to the sweet feeling of the kiss, I breathed out softly. (A/N aftermath of the sweet atmosphere, soft pants. Something to that effect)

(我總是為凱爾率直的話語而心悸）

My heart keeps racing at Kyle’s cool words.

(不需要特地表現得帥氣。）

(Coolness that doesn’t need extra effort)

親吻之後，凱爾帶著微笑將額頭與我相貼。

After the kiss, with a smile Kyle pressed his forehead onto mine.

凱爾「妳又擺出一副讓我想抱緊妳的表情了。」

Kyle: You’re making an expression that makes me want to hug you again.

Alice「...可能是吧。」

Alice: Maybe?

凱爾「快過來吧。」

Kyle: Hurry up and come here

Alice「嗯。」

Alice: Uhn (Yes)

我飛撲進凱爾的懷中。

I flew into his embrace (A/N she flew into him. Same tho Alice...)

即使是略有涼意的春夜，但只要兩人互相依偎就能感到無比溫暖…

Even though it was actually a pretty cool spring night but when the two of us were embracing it felt extremely warm.

我感受著這份幸福，揚起了笑容～

I felt this feeling of happiness and smiled

END. 

THIS MARKS MY RETURN. THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE WAITING!!! 

[patriciahaefeli]

A Cautionary Tale? A Love Story? You Decide

It's been one of those rollercoaster weeks, one that began with a great deal of pain, which I tried to ignore at first, so as not to ruin my 17- year old’s already Corona-compromised birthday party. At some point during our 5 p.m. family Zoom celebration, I quietly left the room and went upstairs to lie down, writhe in pain, get back up, bend over, moan, repeat. This continued through the night Monday – and at one point, I remember thinking that labor wasn’t this bad and that I should probably go to the emergency room. In this new world we’re in, that thought was quickly dismissed by one word: COVID. I paced the floor at 3 a.m., alternately moaning and then bopping my head and sort of softly singing what kept running through my head, which was the chorus of The Knack’s 1979 hit song, “My Sharona.” Only my version went “My Corona.” Yes, even while suffering, I’m clever that way. 

By Tuesday morning the pain had subsided. I was exhausted however, and slept throughout the day. “Tricia! Drink this! Jesus, she’s burning up.” It was the alarm in my husband’s voice that I responded to more than the command. I sat up, drank the water he was holding out to me, and when I caught my reflection in the mirror over the dresser I had the brief, feverously detached impression of someone who’d sat under a sun lamp for too long. Sun lamp, the words made me almost giggle out loud. Sun-lamp, sun-lamp, sun-lamp…Does anyone even know what that is anymore? A few hours later I had a virtual appointment with my regular GP, during which the decision was made for me to go to the office first thing Wednesday for a full exam. My instructions (my fever-addled brain again added the words “should I choose to accept them” - hehehe), for entering the building would come in the form a text. 

My office exam was efficient and thorough. Upon arrival, I called the office and someone met me at a side door. As we were both masked and gloved, we nodded and murmured muffled greetings. Two PAs and an MD palpated my tender abdomen while I stifled screams. They decided that I should have a C-T scan that day, with the expectation that the offending culprit was a kidney stone. As many radiology facilities are currently closed, it took a few hours for them to locate one that would take me. My scan took place at 4:30. I was the last patient of their day. 

 Fast forward to 6:30 p.m. Wednesday evening. I picked up the call, which was remarkable in itself because anyone who knows me knows how irritating it is that, a) my phone is always on silent mode, and, b) I rarely answer numbers I don’t recognize. It was another doctor from Vanguard, calling to let me know that my C-T scan showed no evidence of kidney stones – “Yay!” BUT, he cut in, it did show acute appendicitis. What I needed to do, he said, was to go directly to the nearest ER. 

So here’s where this story really begins, because I was about to get a reality check regarding the difference between the inconveniences of “social distancing” and quite literally, matters of life and death. For those of us who are shuffling around at home in our sweatpants, eating too much, complaining about the buffoonery of our President, laughing at all the funny memes, and who are, to one degree or another, COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that health care workers do not have the luxury of ANY of that, here’s the newsflash: The Corona virus has virtually SHUT down normal operations for hospitals and surgical facilities, so if you’re also laughing in the face of social-distancing guidelines, and just can’t wrap your head around the possibility of contracting this deadly disease, know this too: If you break your arm, or your spouse has a heart attack, or your child’s strange rash won’t go away and you’re just really concerned, good luck. We are NOT in Kansas anymore, peeps. 

 I considered doing a bit of a negative a rant on the first hospital that I went to here, but perhaps that wouldn’t be fair. “The nearest ER” for me would have been another hospital, but due to their somewhat dubious reputation, we opted to go just a bit farther away. The best thing I can say about that experience was that the safety protocols to enter the ER were impressive. Picture the scene in E.T. where the Hazmat-suited guys from the space program find out about him and “invade” the house in a tunnel of white - then picture the people standing six feet apart outside of say, ShopRite, only these people don’t look so great. They’re kind of bent over, or swaying, or leaning on someone else. Then count your blessings that your gut hurts and you’re not bleeding out…or struggling to breathe. 

Three hours later, after they’d reviewed my scans and completed all of the necessary pre-op tests (blood work, EKG, urine analysis), I got the word that most of the ORs were being used as ICUs for COVID patients, and they were only doing “emergent” surgeries. They sent me home with massive doses of antibiotics, and a referral to see their staff general surgeon - outpatient. 

I figured they were right, too. Must not be very serious. I was doing well with that notion until the following morning, when I heard the barely concealed shock in the voice of my regular MD.  

“Did they see your scans?” his tone serving only to increase my anxiety. 

 “Yeah. But my appendix hasn’t exploded yet.” I said. 

 “Ah,” he sighed, “I know things are being handled differently in the ‘current environment,’ but last time I checked, acute appendicitis was emergent.” 

Okay, pay attention now, because here’s where it gets really interesting: See if you can answer his parting questions: 

 “Do you have a general surgeon? Preferably one with their own facility?” 

 So, do you? And if you do, are you sure they’re even open right now? I sure as hell didn’t (and the name they gave me at the hospital turned out to be for a doctor whose answering machine told me he was not seeing new patients). And the idea that it was now pretty much my problem to solve was a little intimidating – especially for someone who generally needs to be told that they’re sick (enough) or in (enough) pain to seek help—but that’s another story. Now that doctor, who I respect and like a lot, said he’d be trying to find me one, but that I should do my research as well. 

 My husband and I made a fairly long list of people/places to call, and split it. Those we were able to reach at all offered possible solutions to my dilemma, but each dead-ended pretty quickly. I focused on the task now, trying to ignore what it might mean that the ache in my belly seemed to be spreading down my right leg. 

As of this writing, I have yet to hear back from my regular GP and yet, here I sit, post-op, able to get this down mostly because of a Facebook message I sent to one of the nurses in the Belleville Public School district. The only real help I got came from her, a nurse, who responded immediately to an “in-boxed” message, and kept responding for the next hour, sending me the names and phone numbers of doctors (sometimes with their credentials!), links to possible facilities, and words of encouragement. She gave me her personal cell phone number and encouraged me to call it if I had questions and/or to let her know how it was going. I felt like she meant it, too. I also think she was responsible for the first in a series of serendipitous events that just may have saved my life. One of the names she gave me turned out to be the dad of one of my kid’s friends. 

 At that point, things happened pretty quickly. I called him (at home) and told him my situation. In a matter of 20 minutes, he had my scans and had booked  a time slot for me for same-day surgery at Clara Maass. He’s a high-energy, outgoing kind of guy, and although I’d stood on sidelines with him and his lovely wife at many a sports event, I don’t know him well enough, nor did I think it was appropriate to laugh out loud when he laid out the plan: “With everything going on, I just really want to do you – and get you the hell out of there!” 

So here I am, more grateful to him than I can possibly express and having some time to consider just how random and crazy and dangerous that whole situation was (turns out, my appendix had begun to perforate after all, and the real fun was just beginning) and how fortunate I am. 

 But the real heroes here - Oh, and God, aren’t we all a little sick of the “hero” thing? – well get over it, and listen up! From the minute I walked through the door of Clara Maass yesterday, my experience was the best it could possibly have been. The nurses! OMG the nurses - I was in pre-op for hours. Lucky as I was to have been squeezed in to an already crowded surgical schedule, the truth of the matter was that my presence had required a quick shifting of resources—stretchers and space and - nurses. My sudden appearance in the queue was inconvenient, possibly even annoying. And yet all of them, including the nurse who ran the OR, came by to check on me, to give me extra blankets, to chat with me, and laugh with me. A friend’s daughter-in-law, who is a nurse there, got a text from him and even she came from three floors below just to say hello and charm me with her Australian accent and tired-but-twinkling blue eyes. I swear, for me? The whole experience was a cross between a weirdly sterile spa stay, and – as mine all happened to be women - a girls’ sleepover with your best girlfriends—only these were women I'd just met (but they’d also pretty much seen me naked, so, there’s that…). 

Most of them were nearing the end of a 12-hour shift. As I lay there, relaxed and warm, reading and texting, they race-walked back and forth among those of us who waited, or were recovering. I lost count of how many times one of them asked me if I was okay, or if I needed something. They ate their dinners on the move, taking bites and then sprinting off, tearing off one set of gloves, putting on another. These people Do. Not. Sit. The sink was right near my bed, so I saw a lot of hand-washing traffic too, and a lot of red, chapped, over-sanitized hands. They spoke in soothing voices to those who were waiting, and possibly scared, and loud-enough voices for those emerging from the cloud of anesthesia to understand. Sometimes they shouted good-natured complaints to one another, or teased one another – and me, as when one started repacking those bags they give you for your clothes, amusement in her voice as she yelled, “What the hell did you do here, shove it all in like a little kid? Your purse is open – Maria, come over here and see this – she’s a mess!” Hahahaha! One came by and pointed to the cover of the book I was reading entitled “The Silent Patient”, and joked “That’s the kind we like!” 

I even began to wonder if what I was getting was “special treatment” reserved for those whose surgeries were personally called-in by the surgeon. Once he arrived, however, it was clear that not only did they not know he was the one who got me in, but they chided him in the same affectionate way. At a point, I said to one of them, “Doctors think they’re all that, but nurses really run the show don’t they?” She winked at me and elbowed me a little, “Like husbands, honey – they just think they’re in charge!” 

I lounged, for over four hours while they stood on what had to be tired feet, hands on hips as they talked to me, telling me which part of the hospital they’d spent the morning in, or where they were headed next in this crazy, all-hands-on-deck environment. We chatted about jobs and kids, and only when the topic of this deadly disease came up did the lack of words become conspicuous. Then it was all a mime of sad shakes of the head and downward glances. 

It occurs to me today that after all of this, I'm not sure I would recognize any of them tomorrow if I saw them on street – nor they me. Of course, we were all masked. But maybe I would – if I could see their eyes again. And I'm not exaggerating when I say that most of all, those eyes conveyed a profound kindness. And laughter, and concern, and compassion, and dedication—and a toughness that allows them to do it all. 

I'll tell you a secret: I am a person who often has a weird response to unexpected kindness - it makes me cry. I welled up more than once yesterday afternoon. I may have been just one of many for them – this is just what they do - but for me, a bond was made. I will always remember them. 

Make no mistake: it’s no hardship to be home in your sweatpants with your gel manicure looking a little ratchet, and your spouse and kids seeming more like houseguests who have overstayed their welcome. Today, I want you to feel really, really blessed and grateful, and if you’re like me, a generally healthy person who never really gave too much thought to the job that these people do, I hope I was able to convey just a little of it. 

That school nurse who rescued me put it this way: “I took an oath when I graduated just as physicians do. I have followed it for 28 years and it has never let me or my patients down.” That whole oath thing is good and important and all, but the heart behind it gives it grace. 

So, if you get an invitation to do one of those car processions where you beep your horn and cheer for the local health care workers as they go in to, or leave, work– get in your car and go. Or, just mail them each a check for a million dollars. Either way.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S3 Ep 36-37: Local Mom-Friend’s Weird Trick, Doctors Hate Him

Hey y’all it’s a surprise midweek post because I’m in Canada this weekend woo. Surprised I even got this post done, TBH, I finally get some time where I’m not commuting around to and from San Francisco or corralling small children and I can just sit at my computer and focus and have some peace and quiet and I got--a mysterious sickness from all those kids! *yay* So, since I can’t really focus on anything, I’ll type in here and see if any of my words make any sense at all and hopefully I won’t go on some weird ass tangent like I tend to do like every other post.

So Yugi is still dueling Kaiba, much like he has for the past like...it feels like 4 years. I know I’ve only seen 3 seasons but this is...this is a really long duel. Maybe because there was a month-long break for me in the middle, (during which I watched the entirety of Evangelion, 2 Seasons of Gotham, Stranger Things S3, and the disappointing season of One Punch Man so like...I’ve had some time away from Yugioh) or maybe...maybe it’s because they’re actually playing card mechanics that go more in depth...

But yeah, despite everything, they’re still dueling.

And honestly, I’m looking at that episode number above me and it’s like...so there’s this Kaiba and Yugi Duel and then...only one more duel, right? Is it going to be a ten episode duel? Like unless Rebecca comes back for a weird cameo like...how...?

Whatever, we’ll get there when we get there.

Anyways, everyone who’s been avoiding this duel like the plague is down with the plague victims in the hospital. That’s where Tristan gets a bright idea and it’s one of his dumber ones, believe it or not.

Man, I forgot that comatose Joey Wheeler is still wearing that duel disk Pharaoh slapped on him during all this too, haha.

Also, why does he have to have all these pectoral suction cups while they just kinda...gave up on Mai? I mean I know they can’t show boobies on a Y7 show but like...it really feels like the doctor just kinda shrugged at Mai and was like “I only have one set of boob suction cups, I really didn’t think I’d need more than that, if at all.”

(read more under the cut)

And so Tristan decides that if Joey is at the window which is like...600 ft below Yugi Muto’s duel, a duel you can’t...really see from the ground...then Joey Wheeler will arise.

I mean, it’s gonna work, it’s just also kind of laughable that Joey wasn’t able to hear any of this nonsense from the bed that is two feet away from the window.

But wtv, it’s very dramatic and Tristan gets to cry some more and feel useful I guess.

The haunted underwear mannequin plot-thread was dumped between that episode and this one, and I’m kinda bummed out that more things haven’t turned into haunted underwear mannequins.

Instead of horrific underwear mannequins, Joey’s dream has gone back to the standard fare of Joey picking on middle schoolers and wearing a much better outfit than he has for most of this show.

I will super miss Joey in a fitted suit. Like, soak it allll in horny preteens, because pretty soon, Joey Wheeler will be back in that scruffy oversized T-shirt just like...well, just like how a teenager would be. I mean there’s some REASONS Mai can’t date Joey, but the fact he has a fitted suit he refuses to ever wear is one of the top reasons right under, youknow, the fact he’d need a fake ID to ever go out with her.

It’s kind of amazing actually, how my whole life I kinda just figured this was a show of insane character designs, only to find out when I actually watch the show that there is like a ... REALLY horny line just going all the way through it.

Honestly, me trying to figure out how and when this kid’s show got so damn horny has been a very big mystery I’ve been trying to solve in the background this entire time. Like, I was told “yeah the Yugioh boys get very attractive.” and I was like “ehhhhhhhh I don’t even know what you’re talking about” but, little by little over the past 3 seasons, these animators are starting to draw these boys just waaaaaaay older than these kids actually are. I’m starting to see what people are saying. It’s still not my thing, personally, but uh yeah I can see how this spawned all that fanart now.

Anyways, speaking of, the other day a friend of mine’s sister was talking about how she, as a millennial, has been wired to love very tall skinny boys in skinny pants and very long coats with popped collars and I immediately was like “Lol are you admitting to Seto Kaiba?”

And she meant Cumberbatch Sherlock, LOLOLOLOL.

And so, back on the duel field we got Seto Kaiba, who’s a lot like Sherlock except a Sherlock who is suffering from both short term and long term memory loss. And, who does cards instead of heroin.

They probably both play violin.

Kaiba, despite having arc after arc where his little brother is his main motivation, has decided to just ditch Mokuba and it’s like...either he’s psyching Yugi out or Seto Kaiba forgot he had a brother for a little bit. He might...he might have forgotten. Mokuba is standing behind him, after all.

And so, because Joey is facing Yugi at just the right moment and at just the right time, somehow he can do his little force ability again and just do this:

Thanks, hallucination!Joey.

And out he goes, drawn like a romance anime character lol.

Anyways, he’s back to being a slob so...welcome back, wrinkle shirt, it’s been a while.

And then Joey looks around and actually said this:

“Did someone get hurt?” He asks, after being burned, electrocuted AND drowned just yesterday.

I was kinda very much hoping Tristan would deck him out.

Glad that, as predicted, the moment Mai doesn’t need to be Joey’s main motivation anymore, the moment he puts the cards away, she may as well not even exist. This show and the way they write straight romances.

Please admire the matching lace up boots on the Kaiba Corp’s Emergency Squad. This would be the most obscure Cosplay on earth but maybe the most wearable Yugioh cosplay outside of Bandit Keith because you wouldn’t need a 400 dollar wig.

And then for some reason Tea just loses her mind and has a complete breakdown. She’s been kind of a mess since Yugi walked out like 2 episodes ago, which seems kind of...I dunno, both out of character but very much in character at the same time. I mean we’re assuming they “have” a relationship it’s just never actually say that they do, so her acting like her man is dead is kinda like...it still feels like it comes out of freakin nowhere.

Anyways, Tea who is strong enough to lift this entire plane and who is, in fact, possessed by at least 2 powerful ghosts (remember Shadi did spends some time there and he did NOT like it), is now a seeping crying mess that refuses to lose any more of her hospital-prone boys.

I mean they were going to go anyway, but they let Tea pretend she had any control over that and kind of glazed over this.

Back in this game that no one else is really watching anymore, Seto Kaiba is still monologuing about his entire life story that he’s never gotten any therapy for, except for that time his evil step brother accidentally gave him therapy.

Quite upset we never see the color of Mokuba’s little tuxedo.

Course...didn’t...Noah wear a little tuxedo in that same exact shape? I mean it’s a silly headcanon but youknow...it could be a yellow tuxedo they just happened to find in the back of the closet.

And it’s at this point that Mokuba just lost his lid. I’m so used to Mokuba unconditionally supporting his crazy brother that this would have been the biggest anime betrayal of the whole series, if Mokuba had said any of this outloud (which he wisely did not).

It was like...damn Mokuba. He actually said something along the lines of “I liked you better when you were poor” and it was like. Holy cow, Mokuba. Damn.

Anyway, a bunch of card stuff happens, and Pharaoh has decided that Seto has too much anger in his heart, and that’s why he will lose. Then, Pharaoh played the card proof for how angry Seto is, and if I actually payed any attention to cards, it would have been very meaningful.

But anyways, kudos to Pharaoh on not mind-wiping Seto Kaiba this time or launching him directly off this very tall tower like he attempted to do last time. They actually played a game start to finish with eachother and nothing exploded except for every television in Domino. Progress.

and then Mokuba started crying and initially I thought...wouldn’t he have WANTED his brother to lose but then I kind of remembered oh yeah now Mokuba has to deal with this oncoming aftermath.

RIP Mokuba, I guess.

Anyway, I’m out of town for the rest of the weekend, escaping to the far North to get away from the weather. I should be back next weekend, but if I’m not, I was probably eaten by a bear. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway, if you just got here, this is a link to my Yugioh recaps in Chrono order from the beginning.

[bevioletskies]

20 questions [16/20]

characters: peter/gamora, guardians-centric

fandom: avengers academy/marvel cinematic universe

summary: wasp has a new competition in store for the students of avengers academy, and there’s money involved. so obviously, peter and gamora have to pretend to be a couple in order to win. wait, what?

chapter preview: the school festival commences, yondu gets some horrifying news, and peter and gamora discuss what love means to them.

word count: 5889 | total word count: 118k

a/n: chapters 15 through 17, also known as the chapters where peter and gamora watch the entire original star wars trilogy. yay?

ao3 | previously | next | masterpost

Unfortunately for Gamora, ever since she and Peter had passed Natasha’s little test, it seemed as if her social calendar was filling up rather unexpectedly, the floodgates having been opened for Janet to bombard her with pre-prom all-girl events, including sleepovers, salon trips, nail appointments, and...dancing lessons.

“I have danced plenty with Quill,” Gamora had said hastily upon seeing Janet’s digital event spreadsheet (it was colour-coded). “Thank you, Janet, but I’ll pass.”

She had also somehow gotten roped into being on the set-up committee for the fundraiser festival. So, on Thursday evening, she found herself hanging up decorations, while secretly wishing she was back on the Milano, watching The Empire Strikes Back with Peter (“Gamora, this movie is perfection”).

“I heard you guys got your outfits all sorted,” Janet said cheerily. The two of them were stringing up white holiday lights around the quad, while the other volunteers were making signs, setting out tables, and checking the electrical wiring. “Have you decided on your hair and makeup yet?”

“Not quite, but I figured I could consult you for that,” Gamora replied. Janet beamed - clearly, it had been the right response. “I also have a little surprise in my outfit, for Quill.”

“Well doesn’t that sound sexy?” Elektra purred from nearby, where she was painting the banner for the kissing booth. “I have a thigh-high slit in my dress. Matthew always did like my legs the best. What’s your surprise?”

“Nothing like that,” Gamora said, annoyed. “It’s my shoes, actually.” She found the picture of said shoes on her phone and held it out for the other girls to gather around and see. Janet let out a squeal of excitement.

“Oh, he’ll love that,” she sighed. “It’s very sweet of you.” She turned back to the task at hand. “And your six-month anniversary is this week, isn’t it? You have anything fun planned?”

Gamora froze, her hands still in mid-air in an attempt to detangle a section of lights. How could she have forgotten? The two of them had buckled down on their relationship “timeline” recently, mapping out the trajectory of their breakup in the way they planned for missions. In her defense, it wasn’t like she had a colour-coded digital spreadsheet. Hell, the Guardians’ only semblance of organization was a shwarma receipt taped to their fridge door, with their grocery list written on the back of it. Instead of check marks, it had tallies - they couldn’t be bothered to make a new list every time.

“Quill has a surprise for me,” she lied smoothly, recovering. “I have no idea what it could be or when it’s happening, but I trust him.”

“I’m sure it’ll be romantic as always. Your trip to New York was super cute,” Janet gushed, wrapping up the last of the lights. “Nat told me Peter was constantly cheering you on during training. I think it’s sweet how much he adores your badass-ness. I mean, who wants to be with someone who can’t appreciate a girl for everything she is, right?”

“Hear, hear!” Elektra called, raising her paintbrush in victory.

Gamora, feeling particularly bold, decided to embellish a little more. Partially because talking about Peter had become second nature as of late, but also because Elektra was starting to irritate her. “Quill walked into a door when first saw me during a combat exam. He told me it was because he’d been amazed by what he saw, that he’d never seen a girl like me before. It’s...kind of sweet.”

“Kind of? That’s the cutest thing I’ve heard all week, and I heard Lucky sneeze this morning.” Janet stared at Gamora, scarily serious. “Do you know how cute dog sneezes are? It seems pretty clear to me that you and Peter were made for each other.”

Gamora turned away, fussing at another knot that didn’t exist, hoping the others couldn’t see the mixed emotions written across her face. Made for each other, she scoffed to herself. She had told herself, time and time again, that her chance at a normal life had ended the moment Thanos had first stepped onto her homeworld, ceased to exist when he’d grabbed her by the ankles and hauled her away from her parents’ bodies. The very notion of love - any sort of love, be it familial, platonic, or romantic - was laughable for a girl like her, a child raised as a weapon. And yet, here she was, at this academy that she never thought would exist in her lifetime, meant to house all sorts of heroes, anti-heroes, anti-villains, and reformed villains alike, living their lives of various degrees of heroism, sprinkled with “normalcy”, whatever that meant. So yes, maybe romantic relationships were in the cards after all, but she was still so unsure of whether it could ever happen with Peter.

She had fantasized about it, of course, the different scenarios that could come about. Combat practice that ended with her pinning him to the ground (as always), leaning in to peck him on the cheek for his troubles. Him attempting to pass her notes in class - he already did that every now and then, asking for help with a certain question, or to meet with him after school, but she could imagine him to be the type to write song lyrics that made him think of her. A post-mission adrenaline rush, resulting in frenzied kisses against his bedroom door before it became too much and not enough, her practically throwing him down on the bed, straddling him in an instant, wondering why Peter’s belt was too complex to remove within seconds. That last one had featured in Gamora’s mind more than once, that was for sure.

Aside from what she was sure to be just her own imagination running wild, what Gamora couldn’t picture was how they would deal with the more unsavory parts of herself, the thoughts that lingered on what she had done and the people she had done it to. Her first kill at the age of nine. Her first massacre at the age of twelve. Inflicting physical torture by thirteen, and psychological warfare by the time she was fifteen. Gamora was getting better at tackling them all on her own, of course. She wasn’t quite as “gloom and doom” as Nebula, she didn’t think about the inevitability of death the way that poor Bucky Barnes did, but sometimes there would be a twitch in her muscles, or a glimpse of a face in the crowd, that would take her back to “before”. Sharing a bed with Peter had helped combat the nightmares, but it was when she was awake that her brain decided to take her psyche and play. She wasn’t about to tell him any of that, knowing it would result in him hovering, prodding, and fussing like he always did. She didn’t need him to take care of her, and he knew that, but he would try anyway.

Gamora didn’t return to the Milano until late into the night, wondering if any of the Guardians were even there. It was always a toss-up between them sleeping on the ship or back at the dorms, though Rocket was usually the most consistent presence on the Milano, since his own night terrors led to him tinkering away at 3 AM. It was something they never talked about whenever they caught each other wandering around, bleary-eyed and trembling, too numb to speak. “Hello?” Gamora called out as she entered the common area.

Peter was sitting on the couch in the dark, the tablet in his hand being the only source of light. It left a soft glow around his face, highlighting the darkness of the bags under his eyes, the visible clench in his jaw. He looked oddly serious until he seemed to have registered the sound of her voice, his head snapping back up. His grim expression was instantly replaced with his signature grin. “Gamora, hey. Wasn’t expecting you back.” He quickly closed what it was he’d been looking at, though she could have sworn she saw a picture of her face on the screen.

“Thought I’d take my chances, see if you were here instead of the dorms. You’ve been spending a lot of time on the Milano lately, more than usual,” she commented. She considered sitting right next to him, but it felt too intimate when no one else was around to fill the space. She settled for the armchair instead. “Any reason?”

He patted the armrest he was draped over. “Milano’s my girl. She was out of commission for so long, I guess I wanted to keep her company, like she’s a sick pet or something. Is that weird? Yeah, that’s kinda weird.”

Gamora shrugged. “Not that weird. Your attachment to the Milano is to be expected, considering all you’ve been through with...her,” she acquiesced. “What were you looking at?”

Peter glanced back at the tablet in his hands, as if he had forgotten it was there. “Going through our Google Alerts, actually. Pepper set it up for me so I could keep track of our press. Lots of stuff about you and me, especially with that video of Groot.”

“You still feel guilty,” she guessed, eyeing the near-permanent crease between his eyebrows. “Quill, it’s okay.”

“It’s not that, not anymore,” he sighed, leaning back. “It’s more like, there’s a lot more people invested in our ‘relationship’ than I thought, and not just our classmates. When we started this whole thing, I thought it’d just be Janet and Kamala, because they love that kind of stuff. But there’s drawings of us. There’s couples recreating the kissing selfie from Central Park. I asked Cap about this yesterday, and he said he gets the same thing with him and Carter, that it’s all part of the job, but it’s still freaking me out. He told me not to look into something called...fan...fiction?”

Gamora wasn’t sure what he was talking about either, but moved to sit next to him and clasp his hands in between hers. “And it will pass once word of our breakup spreads. We’ve seen what the media is like in this world - fast, fleeting. We will be yesterday’s news before tomorrow’s headlines are even written.”

Peter looked down at their entangled fingers, squeezing. “Profound. I like it.” she pulled away after a moment of comfortable silence, shooting him that warm, almost flirtatious smile once again. He never really knew what to expect whenever she looked at him like that, or how he was supposed to interpret it. He chose to pretend Gamora really was flirting with him, that she was inviting him to flirt back. “What?”

“Janet reminded me that our six-month anniversary is this week,” Gamora replied. “I told her you had a surprise for me.” She stood, moving towards the hall. “Anyways, I’m going to bed now.” He was disappointed to see her hand coming to rest on the handle of her own bedroom door.

“Wait, what are we doing for our six-month anniversary?” he called. His stomach turned slightly at how legitimate it felt as he said it, like they had been actually dating for six months instead of faking it for three.

“Like I said. Surprise me.” She grinned before disappearing into her room, leaving Peter feeling slightly disgruntled, but mostly stunned. Well, damn.

______

The entire Academy seemed to have woken up earlier than usual on Friday morning, eager for a school-wide event that, for once, wasn’t some sort of invasion or fight. Not to mention the fact it also got them out of attending class - Janet van Dyne, everyone’s friend, the perfect event planner, and secret genius.

As it turned out, Peter and Gamora were the only ones on the Milano that night, which made him somewhat curious as to why she had slept in her own room instead. She only seemed to do it whenever the others pointed it out and embarrassed her, but with them being alone...Peter shivered a little. Okay, maybe she had a point. There was no telling how stupidly brave he would try to be if there was no one else around to mock him for trying.

Regardless, they had a relatively peaceful breakfast together, chatting quietly about their respective festival gigs, enjoying the lack of interruptions or teasing from the others. It felt like all the clichés in the world coming together for Peter when he admired the way the early morning light illuminated Gamora’s face, the red undertones of her dark hair more prominent than usual. And if Gamora was eyeing the scruffy bedhead that Peter was sporting, wondering if he would object to her running her fingers through it, he didn’t need to know.

“By the way, a group of us are playing a surprise show at the end. Don’t tell anyone,” she said, setting her spoon down into her empty cereal bowl. “Me, Drax, Adam, Barnes, and Gwen.”

“That sounds amazing,” Peter replied through a mouthful of Cheerios. “In the quad?”

“Mhm,” she hummed. “Janet’s got a couple cameras set up so she can film the show and put it online. Said it would be good for boosting the public’s perception of us, though she claims all the photos of our dates and the selfies that I’ve sent her are doing a fine job already.” She twirled the spoon around absent-mindedly. “I looked at some of the articles you talked about last night after I went to bed, and it’s even more than I realized. It’s honestly overwhelming how invested people are.”

“We’re a good-looking pair of badasses from space,” he shrugged. “In hindsight, not that surprising.”

“And so humble,” Gamora teased. “I suppose it sells better papers than Matt and Elektra. A law student and a socialite’s daughter is hardly worth anything beyond the society pages.”

After breakfast, they dressed and made their way to the quad, where it seemed as if every single student was currently bustling about, whether to help with last-minute setup, or to wait in nervous anticipation. Some students, like Nebula, had opted not to participate or volunteer, whether they were too busy, too lazy, or couldn’t be bothered (...like Nebula).

“Over here, Gamora!” Janet called cheerfully, gesturing for her to join Elektra and Colleen at their station.

“See you later,” Peter said, leaning in to kiss her without a spare thought. He was slightly alarmed to find Gamora also tipping her chin up in response to meet him halfway, an automatic movement on both their parts. Janet cooed in the background as their lips met briefly, before Gamora pulled away, biting her bottom lip in the way that made every thought evaporate out of Peter’s mind. He watched her leave, wondering when the careful calculation of every hand-hold, every kiss, had turned into second nature.

The fundraiser started off with a bang - literally, as Tony, Rhodey, and Pepper flew over the crowd, providing a light show with the use of their modified reactor beams - and the energy remained high throughout the day. Despite not being particularly close with Colleen or a big fan of Elektra, Gamora still found herself having fun with the other girls. Elektra especially was more endearing to her, once she stopped bragging about her and Matt’s exploits of both the hero and the sexual kind.

“I’m glad to see girls like us, with such terrible pasts, can be redeemed,” Elektra said privately to her during one of their water breaks. “But we must remember to never compromise on how powerful we truly are.”

“That’s a good way of putting it,” Gamora commented thoughtfully. “We still deserve a place to go home to, with people who love us, so we can love them and provide for them in return.”

“Which is why I hope Romanoff can see beyond her own past as well.” Elektra nodded at Natasha, who was standing across the quad, chatting with Clint. He was leaning against a tree, nonchalantly blowing bubblegum as he always was. They couldn’t hear the conversation, but he was apparently doing a good job of making her laugh. “She’s had her relationships with different kinds of boys on this campus, including a bit of a tussle with Matthew that I don’t appreciate, but there’s something about that weird one that has her captivated, even though they already didn’t work out. I confess I don’t understand.”

“He’s her best friend,” Gamora said quietly. “She probably trusts him with her mind and her heart more than anyone else. They’re both strong, in different ways, but they’re stronger together. He played an important role in her redemption, so her attachment was there from the start. She doesn’t want to know what life is like without him in it, and he came into his own full potential partially because of her guidance. It makes perfect sense.”

Elektra raised an eyebrow. “Honey, are you talking about them, or you and Peter?”

Gamora was unsure of how to answer, so her only response was to take another long drink from her water bottle. She found herself desperately wishing it was alcohol at this point.

Peter, meanwhile, was having a blast with Agent Coulson, whose fanboyish enthusiasm for all the various weapons that both Stark and Rocket had donated for their presentation couldn’t be contained. “You might be the only person who calls me Star-Lord consistently,” Peter told him.

“It’s a cool name,” Coulson replied with a shrug and an easygoing grin. “I wish I had an outlaw name.”

“Your name’s already pretty badass,” Peter said, smiling back. “Thor and his crew call you ‘Son of Coul’, like all the time. That’s already pretty cool.”

Coulson’s eyes widened. “Really? You think so?”

Peter patted him on the back. “Hell, yeah, dude!”

The other Guardians were enjoying themselves at their stations as well, with the exception of Nebula, who opted to walk around by herself and occasionally stop by Gamora’s spot to see if she was going to screw up (she hadn’t, of course). Rocket was giving engineering lessons to students wanting to get better at technology, Drax was challenging people to wrestle (though he drew the line at Hulk - he wasn’t stupid), and Yondu was putting on a “magic show” in which he drew caricatures of people using the yaka arrow. Mantis was using her empathic abilities to predict people’s futures with varying success, and yes, Groot was at the kissing booth, receiving cheek kisses and “ooh”s and “ahh”s of admiration from the majority of the student body.

Peter’s grin was so wide, he was sure he looked maniacal, but he couldn’t find himself to care. It was moments like this that left him in awe of the people had chosen to spend his life alongside - not just the Guardians, but everyone else who made being a hero so much fun. He could have never imagined a life like this after being abducted as a child, raised to be nothing more than a thief, and yet, here he was, living a life that was just so... good. Peter could imagine that Gamora and many others had felt the same way at one point in time or another, having lived in unspeakably abusive conditions with abhorrent people. He also hoped that they felt the same way he did about what this school was doing for them, what it meant to them.

He was broken out of his reverie when Gamora walked past him, and more surprisingly, with Nebula and Yondu in tow, Director Fury a few paces ahead of them. “Gamora? What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she said quickly, though she looked distressed, lying through her teeth. At his knowing glance, she relented with a sigh. “I’ll tell you later if I can, okay?”

Once again, Peter found himself watching her walk away, though now his mind was racing with the possibilities of what a meeting with Fury could possibly mean for his friends. It was like he had jinxed himself, thinking about how good everything was going. Clearly, someone was about to deal them a hand that they weren’t ready to take.

______

“What’s all this fuss about, Director?” Yondu said, as nonchalant as could be. He and Nebula seemed to be having a contest on who could sit in their chair more obnoxiously, while Gamora opted to stand a little off to the side, arms folded across her chest. Fury let out a long sigh, though it seemed more world-weary than people-weary (and there was a difference), settling down on the other side of his desk into his leather office chair.

“It’s distressing news for the three of you. Disturbing, even,” he said, his voice somber. “I’d advise you against telling the others, but I have a feeling you’re probably going to tell Quill anyways. But don’t tell the kid, alright? Groot doesn’t need this kind of stress at his age.”

“What is it?” Gamora asked. Nebula sat up a little straighter, hands coming to rest on her lap. Yondu followed suit, the jovial humour in his eyes evaporating near instantly.

"Seems Thanos wanted to send a message.” Fury leaned forward to rest his elbows on his desk, steely-eyed gaze fixed on Yondu. “Got one of them Black Order people - and I don’t know which - after your Ravagers.”

Yondu shot out of his chair in alarm, fists clenched. Gamora took a cautious step forward in case he was about to deck Fury. “You better be lyin’ to me, Director,” he hissed.

“I wish I was.” He was doing his best to sound authoritative, though there was an underlying tone of sympathy that told them how serious it had been. “Forty-five of your men killed, somewhere out in space. I got in touch with the authorities, see if I could find out more, but there’s not much I can do at the moment but wait for their reply.”

Gamora and Nebula exchanged looks over Yondu’s head as he sat back down, stunned. “My boys,” he whispered. He sounded as if he were a million miles away, or more accurately, wanted to be millions of miles away, with his crew. “This is all on me, ain’t it. Tryna be a Guardian, and I get ‘em killed.”

"This is our fault, Yondu, I’m...I’m so sorry.” Gamora reached to rest a hand on his shoulder. “Thanos wants to hurt Nebula and I by hurting you.”

“You two don’t care about me!” Yondu snapped, slapping her hand away and turning to shoot her an ice-cold glare. “You only pretend to ‘cause Quill keeps me around.”

“We do care,” Gamora protested, frowning. “Do you know how often I meet with Director Fury, trying to convince him that you and Nebula have done something, anything that could possibly get you both to finally come on missions with us? You’re part of this family, Yondu, with or without Quill. Do not insult me by denying that very notion.”

He glowered for another moment before slumping over, sighing. He turned to look back at Fury. “At least tell me Kraglin’s okay. That boy doesn’t deserve to be done in, just ‘cause I’m here.”

“He’s the one who contacted the authorities about the hit,” Fury nodded, relieved that the worst of Yondu’s anger seemed to have passed. “I’m sorry to tell you all this, but I figured this secret wasn’t mine to keep. Now, Thanos himself wasn’t seen or heard from at the scene of the crime, so it could just be him sending a message instead of doing the deed himself. Either way, we’re on high alert. I’m not about to get his hands on any of you kids. Especially not you two.” He wagged his finger at Gamora and Nebula. “You’ve had enough to deal with, living your whole damn childhood out with him. He’s not gonna get a hair on anyone’s head if I have anything to say about it, and I’m sure you feel the same.”

Nebula, who had been silent the whole time, finally spoke. “I don’t have any hair on my head, Director. Same as you. But I suppose I can appreciate the sentiment.” She cast a glance over at Yondu, who was staring off into the corner of the room, gritting his teeth as if he were in pain. “Thank you for telling us.”

Fury couldn’t even hide his surprise, staring at her in utter confusion. “Alright, I’m kind of weirded out now. You kids go back to the festivities, and don’t let this spoil the rest of your day.”

______

It felt like coming home when Gamora picked up her guitar again, especially after the heaviness of Fury’s reveal. She played like her heart and soul depended on it, soaking in the enthusiastic (and a little off-key) sounds of her classmates singing along to words she had penned herself, every cheer and every clap driving her to push herself harder. What hit her most, however, was the unabashedly wide grins looking back at her. Despite the hardships that everyone had gone through to get here, they all looked so innocent in that moment, so unaffected by the looming horror that could approach them at any time.

The show ended soon after sunset, though the majority of the student population lingered in the quad, cleaning up and chattering excitedly about their favourite parts of the festival. Janet was flitting about as always, taking selfies with everyone and congratulating them on their various successes. Gamora, meanwhile, was dismantling her set-up when she heard footsteps behind her. I must really have it bad if I can tell who it is without looking, she thought, sighing.

“Hey, Quill. You enjoy the show?”

“You were awesome, as always,” Peter grinned, kneeling next to her so he could help with the complex wiring. “I love seeing you play. And it’s been a really long time, too.”

“Too long,” she agreed. “How about your demonstration? How’d that go?”

“Coulson nearly got me with the Destroyer once, but all he did was burn my hair a little.” He ran his fingers through his hair to show her a slightly singed chunk near his left ear. “No big deal, though.”

Finally giving in to the urge, Gamora reached over to ruffle it slightly until the burnt pieces were tucked out of sight. “I can help you trim that later, if you’d like,” she said softly.

“Sure,” Peter replied. “Hey, I was also thinking of watching Empire Strikes Back tonight, if you’re not too tired. We could head to the dorms instead? We helped raise a crap ton of money, we deserve to wake up without back pain.”

Gamora chuckled. It would be the perfect thing to keep her from letting the peril of Fury’s news plague her every thought. “I’m awake enough. As long as you help me pack up the rest of my equipment.”

He held out his hand almost immediately, pinky out for hers to loop with. “Deal.” She hooked their fingers together, eyes twinkling with mirth. Of all the things Peter had taught her about Earth, admittedly, she found this one to be one of the sweetest. A simple gesture he associated with his mom, now another thing that he shared with her.

______

Once again, Peter found himself distracted by the sight of Gamora lying by his side, cocooned in his sheets, watching the screen with the level of focus she usually reserved for combat. It was easy to tell by the concentration in her eyes that Gamora’s silence wasn’t out of boredom, but of engagement. Peter wondered if all the movies he’d been showing her before - romantic dramas and comedies, for the most part - were not for her. Instead, it was the adventures, the engaging characters, the world-building - that was the kind of stuff she seemed to love. The idealistic versions of their own world, things that reminded her of the happiest parts of their lives.

“You’re really loving this,” Peter commented as Yoda began training Luke. “I should’ve stuck to this stuff instead of the rom-coms. It’s more your style.”

“It’s not that I disliked the other movies,” Gamora said somewhat defensively. “It’s just...I’ve never really experienced romance, or romantic love. It’s hard to relate to something that I’ve never had.”

Upon hearing her confession, he began to wonder what she considered to be romantic. Her words implied that she based her understanding of romantic love off of what the movies showed her - Westley’s devotion to doing as Buttercup asked in The Princess Bride, Phil wanting to learn everything he could about Rita in Groundhog Day. Maybe he was wrong (and Peter found himself to be wrong more often than he’d like to), but it felt as if he were basically already doing those things.

When Peter had first met her, he would’ve joked that her idea of love was knives instead of flowers, and desired combat training in lieu of actual dates, but he knew her better now. He had seen her warm-hearted nature in equal parts to her fierce demeanor. She liked history, as evidenced by how immersed she had been on their “date” at The Met. She enjoyed nihilistic literature, and even though Peter didn’t understand it himself, he wanted to sneak a peek through her bookshelf and figure out what she already owned, so he could buy her more books that would make her happy. He wanted to sit by her side while she wrote songs, be her soundboard for lyrics that she couldn’t quite work out on her own. He wanted to hunt down every movie that he could hope to find that she would enjoy, so he could share as many evenings with her as possible, watching her expressions as she experienced them for the first time. And, in time, Peter wanted to help her on her journey that she never spoke about - rediscovering her home, her culture, her parents, in whatever way she could. There had to be something there, records, photos, videos, anything, that would make her feel like part of a whole again. Hell, he was incredibly gone for this girl.

Then, he got an idea.

“Question,” he said slowly after the movie was over. Gamora had ranted for a good ten minutes about the Darth Vader reveal, her face starting to redden as a result of it. She perked up a little, immediately recognizing the cue that had come to signal their incredibly long-standing game. “What’s romantic to you? Forget everything you saw in the movies, or out there with our classmates, or whatever else you’ve seen. What do you find romantic?”

She turned over onto her back, hands moving to absent-mindedly adjust her pillow as she contemplated the question. “I don’t need anything special,” she finally said. “Big gestures don’t impress me. That’s a sign of showmanship, not love.”

“Then what would be a sign of love to you?” Gamora tensed at this, wondering why Peter was looking so deeply into this particular topic. She could only hope that it was a precursor to something she’d been wanting, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up. This was all just conversation, wasn’t it?

“It’s the small things.” Another memory of her parents appeared to her like an old home movie playing in her brain as she considered the displays of affection she’d witnessed in her life. Her mother, who was terrible at cooking, attempting to make her father his favourite meal. She had burnt it terribly, and Gamora herself had complained at the time, but her father had eaten it regardless with a wide smile on his face. Or her father, who wasn’t the most creative of minds, but had some of the steadiest hands, stretching new canvases so her mother could paint beautiful landscapes. “Like remembering my favourite food, or finding some odd knick-knack that reminds them of me.” Her eyes flickered over to where her utility belt was, laid across Peter’s desk chair, where the multi-tool was tucked away. She had found it to be mostly useless, and tricky to handle correctly without having to take pause in what she was doing, something she couldn’t afford to do in combat. However, it had become one of her most prized possessions, not that she would ever tell anyone that.

“So you’d object if they brought you flowers?” Peter pressed on, determined.

“It’s not like I’d throw them out,” she protested. “It just wouldn’t interest me as much. It doesn’t feel personal.” He nodded, thinking it over. Maybe this whole “giant-crush-on-his-best-friend-slash-fake-girlfriend” thing wasn’t going to leave him with a broken heart after all. There would be time, what with everything he had learned about her these past few months. “Question for you, then. If you had to choose between sex and love, what would it be?”

He laughed, startled. He had never known Gamora to think too much about sex, and he certainly didn’t blame her, considering the horrors she’d experienced as a child, with adults commenting on her attractiveness like it was normal. “They’re not always mutually exclusive, you know. I mean, some people don’t want to have sex at all, and some people don’t want to be in relationships at all, but I’ve never personally felt that way myself.”

“Let me rephrase,” she interrupted, her hand pressed firmly against his chest as if to stop another Peter Quill ramble. “What do you value more, sex or love?”

“Love,” he replied easily. As he expected, she looked rather surprised at his answer. “Sex is great - at least, in my opinion - but I think love is always more fulfilling. Love’s what drove me and my mom to take care of each other, for her to share all the pop culture she grew up on, and for me to enjoy every second of it. Love is what got me and Yondu to bond instead of fight, the way the Ravagers were hoping we’d do. Love is why I fight so hard to keep you guys alive, and safe, and happy. It’s what keeps me going every day, to get up in the morning and be like, hell yeah, I wanna kick ass with the people that are important to me so that other people can live their lives without fear. Y’know? And love doesn’t have to be romantic.”

Gamora bit her tongue before she could ask him to elaborate on the kind of love he felt for her. She was too afraid to know the answer, to hear what she was sure was true. “That’s quite selfless of you. I’m impressed.”

“You wound me every time you doubt me, Gamora,” he said seriously, though his stern face was ruined by a cheesy grin. His expression softened as the moonlight began to creep through his blinds, reflecting the silver on her face, illuminating her impossibly long lashes and the light in her large brown eyes. It was a face he’d been waking up next to so often as of late, a face he wanted to wake up to every day. But the spell could be broken at any time, couldn’t it? Not unless he did something, soon. “What’re you doing tomorrow night?” Peter whispered.

“Nothing, really. Why?”

“It’s our six-month anniversary, of course. I think I know what my surprise for you is gonna be. And it’ll be awesome.”

a/n: i'm still banging their heads together, trust me. but oh boy, next chapter will lead to some epiphanies i'm sure you guys will want to see ;)

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

[katdvs]

Lucas Friar moved back to Texas at 17, now he’s running for Mayor of Rosewood Springs so best friend Zay and little sister Gigi decide he needs a little help from a political consultant.

Riley Matthews found her calling, she found a fiancé, but she never expected to find herself here, of all places.

Cross-posted to FF.net | Soundtrack

-the moon that moves your tides- | -basics of you and me- | -rather hurt than feel nothing at all- | -taste of love oh bittersweet- | -time to face my weakness- | -you do what you do- | -a place you belong- | -the one I want for life- | -find a reason-

Author Note: I meant to get this done yesterday, but stuff happened and I ended up taking my laptop apart to fix it, but hey it seems to be working now so yay! Tonight (Saturday) is your last chance to enter the fanfic giveaway on tumblr, so if you do that would be awesome. You guys rock, xoxo.

-show me the way-

“Yee-haw” Lucas hooted when he entered the barn where Zay had just ended a phone call.

Zay stared at his best friend, “Not the reaction I was expecting. Actually, I don’t know what to expect.”

Lucas grabbed Zay by the shoulders, “Riley is going to stay until at least after the election.”

“At least?” Zay noted the way his green eyes seemed brighter than they had in a very long time. “After the election if you win or lose she’s gone, she goes back to New York where she’ll plan her wedding to Dave after giving him hell for getting her that cheap as shit ring.”

“No” Lucas pointed to Zay as he backed away practically skipping, the smile on his face growing, “No, she is not going to marry Corn Chip Dave. He doesn’t deserve her, no she’s not pulled to him.”

Zay rubbed his eyes with his fingers before pinching the bridge of his nose, “Okay, I’m missing something so spill.”

“If Riley and I aren’t together by the end of this, then we don’t belong together, maybe I’m meant to be a piece of shit guy just getting blowjobs from random women and the occasional one night stand.” Lucas looked around the bar, “But no; I am meant to be with Riley Matthews, she was brought back into my life for a fucking reason Zay.”

“Yeah to get you elected mayor.” Zay shook his head, “I called Smackle to arrange this.”

“Of course, you did, but still, this is all happening for a reason Zay.” Lucas ran his hand through his hair, “After all this time seeing her again, it’ still there Zay, it’s even more intense now, God last night I could’ve kissed her.”

“She’s engaged.”

“For now,” Lucas shrugged, “you didn’t feel the way she claimed me in front of Dixie, that’s what she did Zay. That wasn’t some political move Zay, she was telling Dixie that I’m hers.”

“Follow her lead” Zay warned, “Don’t make a move on her first, don’t scare her away. She is engaged and its Riley, even if she was claiming you in front of Dixie. Don’t break her heart again.”

“I would never break Riley’s heart.” Lucas reminded his best friend, of course he meant it, not realizing that he had in the past.

“Seriously Lucas, I will beat the living life out of you if you break her heart, if you do anything that would hurt her. This isn’t a game, this is her heart and yours.” Zay warned him, “This isn’t about fulfilling some sex fantasy you have. If it’s possible that you and Riley have a future this is about the two of you loving each other, building a life together, possibly having children together. You need to find out if that’s even something the both of you want. But hey you’ve got until November.”

Lucas nodded knowing that Zay was right, he couldn’t push it, that this was so much more than anything he was used to now. Things with Riley always had been, they were more, in ways he wasn’t sure he could ever describe.

Maya had just gotten off the phone with Zay and was sitting down on her couch when her phone sang with Riley’s ring gone, “Hey Honey, what’s up.”

“I did something really stupid Maya, like really stupid. I can’t even believe I did it.”

Maya looked around even though she knew Charlie wasn’t home she still felt the need to check, “Did you have sex with Lucas?”

“No” Riley breathed, “I um, I kind of went and staked my claim on him.”

“What did you do?” Maya stood up pacing around, knowing her husband was due home any minute and he might just have Dave with him.

“We were at church, it was after the service. Lucas was mingling and talking to Dixie Carmichael, one of those girls in those pictures all those years ago, oh you should’ve seen the way she looked at Lucas. She looked as if given the chance she would strip him naked, dip him in chocolate and lick every inch of him.”

“And you of course have never thought about doing that.” Maya smirked to herself as she moved to the kitchen raking out a few items from the fridge to make a sandwich.

“Maya,” Riley ignored the comment, “I moved across the social hall, slid right up to Lucas, put my arm around him and said I was his girlfriend and sticking around. Then I kissed him.”

“It was good, wasn’t it?” She couldn’t believe after all these years these two were still such fools.

“Yes, and it was brief, part of me just wants to walk up to him and kiss him again, let whatever happens, happen.”

Maya shook her head, “Have you told Dave what you’re up to?”

“Not exactly, there’s more Maya.”

“What else could there be?”

“Well I kind of have to stick around and be his girlfriend publicly since you know it wouldn’t look good if he makes his run for mayor and I run back off to New York.”

Maya quickly pumped her fist in the air in joy, “So you have to stay until after the election huh, okay I’ll um go by your place later today get you some more Texas friendly clothes, anything else you want me to get for you?”

Riley sighed, “I don’t know, anything you see in my room you think I might need over the next few months. For sure though, please send me some of my cotton tank tops, it’s getting hotter here each day.”

“I will, so crazy question, what are you going to tell Dave?”

“I don’t know, just that this is a complicated small town situation, that I need to be here, be hands on, and if I can get away for a weekend or a couple of days I’ll come back to New York, but right now I need to be in Texas.”

Maya was smirking as she finished making a sandwich, “Okay, sounds like a plan, just text me the address to send your stuff to and I’ll have it sent as quickly as possible.”

“Thank you, I should go see if Gigi needs help with lunch and then help Lucas with his wardrobe.”

“Riley, you’re playing with fire, don’t get burned.”

“I know what I’m doing.” Riley assured her friend, “Thank you and bye.”

“Bye” Maya watched as the call ended on her screen, “Yeah you’ll be crying out yee-haw before you know it.”

The door opened, Charlie came in with their two children following behind, but quickly running to their own room, “Maya guess who is officially going to be Dave’s best man when he and Riley get married in November.”

“They haven’t set a date yet.” Maya reminded her husband, “And she’s currently busy working on a new campaign.”

“Dave set a date, he talked to a wedding planner.” Charlie tried to grab the sandwich and Maya swatted his hand.

“He’s counting his chickens before they hatch, Riley is going to want to plan her own wedding.”

“He’s doing this to help her.” Charlie grabbed an apple from the counter, “He knows how busy she is, and that sometimes she can’t get back to New York to make the plans she needs to.”

“Great he can get her a wedding band she’s allergic to as well.” Maya muttered.

Charlie either didn’t hear her or decided to ignore it for whatever reason, “Oh, you should see his new boat Maya, it’s more like a mini yacht. It’s sick, it’s beautiful, and it has bedrooms, so one weekend we can leave the kids with my Mom and go sailing with Dave and Riley for an overnight.”

Maya stopped what she was doing, “He bought a new boat?” huh probably where the money he was going to spend on a ring went, “What did he name it?”

Charlie chuckled, “Tostitos, he thinks its good luck to name it after his favorite chips.”

“I have to run an errand, actually it’s for Riley.” She grabbed half the sandwich, “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“What does Riley need you to do?” Charlie picked up the half she left behind.

Maya grabbed her purse and was already at the door when she looked back to her husband, “She wanted me to send her a few things since she doesn’t know when she’ll be back in the city.”

“Where the hell is she?” He took a bite of the sandwich as he watched his wife at the door.

“Riley is exactly where she needs to be.” She left the apartment, wondering more and more why her best friend had ever accepted Dave’s proposal in the first place, and what she could do to help her friend make the right decision about her future.

If what Zay had told her was true, right now it was possible that the only thing really holding Riley and Lucas back, was Dave being her fiancé.

An idea hit, Maya knew she would probably get yelled at for what she was about to do, but Riley needed a push, and maybe if she was lucky it would give Lucas the push as well.

“Gigi is a great cook.” Riley told Lucas as they stood outside his bedroom, the air thick with nervous energy, as if she would cross the threshold and all semblance of self-control would be gone.

Lucas nodded, “She is, she’s actually been pretty helpful to have around.” He opened the door, “So where should we start?”

“Um, well what’s an average day like for you, like what do you wear?” She stayed near the door afraid to really enter his room.

“Jeans, a t-shirt and a plaid button up over it. I usually do some work here at the ranch with our animals, and then I go check my schedule, make house calls in the morning before going to the office to see the smaller animals.” He looked to her with a soft smile, “Riley, you can come in here.”

“And you wore almost a full suit for church.” She took a couple of steps in, his room, his sanctuary, his bed.

“Well we’re not fancy like in the city.” He watched her, “I have suits of course, mostly for conferences, weddings, the bachelor auction.”

“If they have a good fit, you should be fine. Um ties, are they in this drawer?” Riley started to pull his sock drawer open.

“No” Lucas dashed across the room, “That’s um socks.”

“Oh sorry” she tried to read him, but she was sure she saw a panic wash over him, that couldn’t be possible.

“Ties are in the closet, sorry if I scared you.”

Riley reached up, her thumb rubbing over his chin, “You have never scared me in that way.”

“In what way then have I scared you?”

She’d opened the door to this, she had to be honest with him, “The intensity of my feelings for you when we were younger, it terrified me.”

“Do you love Dave with that same kind of intensity?” She couldn’t, could she?

Riley was sure for a moment he was pleading, begging to know something, “Dave is different, Dave is, well Dave.”

“So, you don’t feel an intensity with Dave, that you feel with me?”

“You were my first Lucas, that kind of intensity doesn’t exist with anyone else.” She moved away feeling herself getting drawn into him as she went through the door into his bathroom. She paused for a moment when she saw the giant tub in the corner with a bay window that looked out at the property, the walk-in shower right next to the closet which she forced herself to walk into, and ignore the fantasies that were already filling her mind.

Lucas watched as she took in his bathroom, he knew it was a bit much for just him, but he would never tell a living soul this, when he had it redone a few years before he’d thought about what she might like. He hadn’t thought he’d never see her again, and yet now she was in his closet studying his ties.

“These should be your go to ties for now.”

“Great, wonderful.” He watched her, “So about your clothes, what have you got that’s appropriate for hanging out on a ranch in Texas?”

“I guess it depends on what kind of work you’re going to put me to.” She teased, feeling her cheeks flush.

“Well City Girl, I think if you really want to help out we could find something for you here and there. I mean you’re going to have to be helping me with the campaign right, girlfriend?” He’d moved closer to her, wishing her could touch her—really touch her.

“True, but I can still cook, take some of the burden off of Gigi for a while, maybe do some laundry.” She caught herself getting lost in his eyes, sure she was seeing smoldering fire of desire before she blinked, knowing how easy it would be to reach up, unbutton his shirt, expose his chest, “You know, whatever I can do to help out.”

Lucas could think of a million things she could do to help, and none of them had to do with cooking, laundry, and everything with being naked in his bed, calling out his name. “You don’t just have those short skirts, do you?”

“Maya is sending me some more stuff, I never had a chance to pack for Texas, I was packed for Hollywood.” She licked her lips, feeling as if the closet was growing ten degrees. “What’s wrong with my skirts?”

“Nothing” His voice was thick, needy as his fingers ran through her hair, tangling with her soft curls as his lips crashed down on hers and her body clung to him, feeling him lift her up, carrying her to the bed.

“Riley, Riley?” Lucas snapped her fingers “You okay?”

“Yeah I um, spaced out, it’s really hot in this closet.” She pushed past him sure she audibly gasped at how hard his chest, “Um the stuff Maya is sending me actually should be here tomorrow afternoon if she uses the service I asked her to.”

“That will be good, if she um doesn’t send you what you need Austin really isn’t that far for some real shopping, I doubt you’d want to hit up the Wal-Mart.”

“The Wal-Mart would be fine Lucas” She smiled, “I don’t need labels, just something that fits, that I’m comfortable wearing. The only thing I’m really picky about is jewelry and only because of my allergy.”

Lucas nodded, “Good to know Ri, good to know.”

“That’s my phone.” She could hear the ringtone from down the hall, “We can finish or whatever later.”

“Of course,” Lucas watched her leave, he hung on the door, part of him wanting to bash his head between it and the frame.

It was great that she was staying, but what exactly was he going to do now? What could he do to show her that he was the man for her, that she was the woman for him?

Dates! He’d have to take her out to dinner one in a while, or to the movies, all sorts of things they used to do when they were really dating. People wouldn’t believe they were a couple if they didn’t see them together. Hell, maybe he would even take her to a scary movie so she would grab his hand, maybe that action, that touch would unlock something, anything, everything.

He pulled his phone out from his back pocket looking up movie times at the theater, he saw one he knew she would enjoy, well unless she was over her crush on Chris Evans. He went down the hall knocking gently on the door.

“Hey, what’s up?” She was just putting the phone down.

“I um realized this whole people thinking you’re my girlfriend thing probably works best if people see us on dates, right?”

“I guess, I mean we really can’t stay here all the time, people would think we were just having sex all the time or something.” Had she just said that? She wished she could understand what was coming out of her mouth around him.

Lucas had to remind himself to breathe, “Um yeah, so the new Chris Evans is playing at the Rialto tonight, and I thought we could go see it, and really be seen together.”

“Not fair Lucas, you know I can’t say no to a Chris Evans movie.” She smiled, amazed he remembered that, he seemed to remember almost everything, except their night together. But why?

“Great, it starts at seven-twenty, so we should leave here at six-thirty.”

“That’s great, casual attire, jeans and t-shirts kind of thing.”

“Yeah, oh a hoodie, the theatre tends to blast the AC, so I remember you get cold easily.”

“That would be something I don’t have with me.” She shrugged.

Lucas smiled, “I’ve got an extra one, don’t worry. We’ll go after dinner, it’s just you and me again tonight, Zay and Gigi are working again.”

“Okay, I’m going to get some stuff done, we can make dinner in a little bit.”

“Great, I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” He backed away, returning to his room and going into his closet.

It wasn’t full, barely half way filled. Which made what he was looking for easy to find. Over the years, he’d never been able to get rid of it. He’d worn it the first few weeks he was back in Texas until his mother washed it, with it she washed away the last hint of Riley’s scent, sweet and fruity. It had spent a lot of time deep in his closet, it probably didn’t even fit him now.

Abigail Adams Baseball adorned the front of the hoodie in block letters. He remembered her wearing it when she would get cold on a summer night as they sat on her roof top looking for a hint of stars. She probably didn’t remember it, but he did. He remembered so much that she’d probably forgotten, let first to the back of her mind as new boyfriends took over.

He gripped the hoodie in his hands, maybe she would start to remember, start to fall in love with him again.

He grabbed the one he usually wore, his old Texas A&M one that had seen better days, and he should probably replace it.

As he looked at the two of them, he wondered if she could ever love him again. If she could ever open herself up to him. No matter what happened Lucas Friar wasn’t going down without a fight for Riley’s heart, and he was going to prove to her that he was worth it, that he would always be worth it.

[tfloosh]

Courage, Wisdom, Power

Lol, guess who almost forgot to post today? I was really struggling about what to write for this prompt, like why did I even make this a prompt, but then it hit me: Zelink babies!!

It was Link’s turn to stay with Callum. The young boy was almost five years old, but he and Zelda had decided to take extra precautions. The High Priest had assured them numerous times that the Triforce of Power was not inherently evil, but the King and Queen felt the need to give their first child every form of protection they could think of. That included either Zelda or Link staying up part of the night in their son’s room.

Sadly, that also meant an early wake-up call in the form of Callum jumping up and down in Link’s lap in the morning.

“Papa,” Callum cried cheerfully. “No bad dreams. None at all.”

“That’s good,” Link rubbed his eyes wearily. “Really good, yeah. Are you ready for breakfast?”

Callum’s face fell slightly, and he shook his head. He quickly ran off to grab the proper clothes and throw them on. Link smiled slightly when he had to step in to turn Callum’s shirt the right way around. He couldn’t help the way his face fell when he saw the glow of the Triforce of Power on his son’s right hand.

“Ready,” Callum proudly proclaimed when he slipped his shoes on.

They walked (or skipped in Callum’s case) down to the breakfast parlor. Zelda was already there waiting for them. Callum barreled into the room and ran directly into his mother’s arms.

“Mama!” he smiled brightly. “No bad dreams.”

“Yay,” Zelda cheered as she bundled Callum into her lap. “That means we’re going to have a good day, right?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Callum nodded. He reached for Zelda’s fork, still filled with forgotten eggs when Callum stole Zelda’s attention.

“No, sir,” Zelda scolded. “Eat at your own plate.”

“Sorry,” Callum moved to his own seat and began eating breakfast.

“What’s on the agenda today, my dear?” Link asked as he, too, began eating his breakfast.

“Court for an hour after lunch,” Zelda read off the schedule at her side. “Then a budget meeting for the Goddess’ Day Gala next month. We should finish by supper, which the Daugherty’s have invited us to at their estate.”

“Nothing this morning?” Link asked.

“No,” she smiled. “I thought we could spend this time with Callum. You’ve been wanting to teach him how to ride, haven’t you Link?”

Callum’s eyes brightened, “Can we, Papa?”

“I don’t see why not?” Link smiled at his son. “Why don’t you go put on riding clothes after you’re done eating?”

Callum nodded enthusiastically and started shoveling his sausage and eggs into his mouth. As soon as their son left, Zelda leaned closer to Link.

“Did he really do good yesterday?”

“Yes,” Link nodded sincerely. “He only got angry once but didn’t end up going into a tantrum.”

“That is good,” Zelda smiled. “I was thinking of going to the High Priest. No, Link I know he’s going to get sick of us, but I want some healthy ways to deal with his anger.”

“I understand,” Link reached for Zelda’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “I see how the other nobles treat their kids sometimes, and I don’t want that for Callum. If we ignore and suppress his powers and their side effects, it’ll only make it worse in the long run.”

“I agree,” Zelda squeezed Link’s hand back. “Now Callum should be back any moment.”

They stood just as their son barreled back into the breakfast parlor.

“Papa?” Callum asked breathlessly. “If I’m good enough, can I ride Epona? Please?”

“You know what, son?” Link kneeled down so he was eye level with Callum. “We’re actually going to start with Epona so you can learn to ride on a well behaved horse.”

Callum’s eyes grew to the size of saucers, and Link smiled as he was tugged out of the castle to the stables.

***

“Hmm,” the High Priest stroked his short beard in thought. “I do see your concern, my Lady. Lessening the, ah, adverse side effects of the Triforce of Power will help young Callum control and eventually harness its power.”

“We’ll wait on harnessing his power when he’s older,” Zelda laughed nervously. “But that’s the idea, yes.”

“Well, I always suggest meditation,” the Priest began. “It helps calm the mind and center the body, and Sir Link could help young Callum since I have tutored him in this technique since he was gifted with the Triforce of Courage.”

“That would be a great start,” Zelda nodded. “Callum has always been closer to Link, so he would be more likely to take to meditation if Link was the one to teach him.”

“Another step would be to have him continually learning,” the High Priest continued. “Our research has shown that the Triforce of Power grants a mind that learns as quickly as Sir Link and as thoroughly as you would. So keep young Callum’s mind engaged in learning, but stay with subjects he will find useful in the future. You should have no problem with that considering he will be Crown Prince someday.”

“Yes,” Zelda nodded. “Link is actually teaching him horseback riding as we speak. But Callum really might have the ability to be smarter than both Link and I?”

“Among other abilities, yes,” the Priest answered. “The Triforce affects everyone differently. Our research has shown enhanced physical power, higher level strategic thinking, and offensive magic powers, along with minor abilities such as the ability to detect when someone’s lying.”

“Interesting,” Zelda pondered this new information. “I’ll talk with Link about this. It seems like a good start. Thank you, High Priest.”

“Anytime, my Lady.”

***

“Papa?” Callum asked suddenly as he sat astride Epona. “Why do you and Mama worry about my dreams so much?”

“Mama gets dreams sometimes,” Link said as he continued to lead Epona around the field. “They’re caused by the Triforce of Wisdom. The dreams always mean something special, but sometimes they are very scary. So Mama and I just want to make sure that if you have a special dream we know about it.”

“Oh, okay,” Callum nodded, but the look in his eyes showed he didn’t really understand just yet.

***

Callum was now ten, and if it weren’t for his short stature (Link blamed himself), Zelda would think her son was closer to sixteen or seventeen. He was so mature, a perfect gentleman, and so smart, his tutors told Link and Zelda, he was learning the equivalent studies of a student in their final year of secondary school.

The prince was like a sponge, taking in everything his parents could teach him. Link had started Callum’s tutoring in war strategy and weapon mastery five years earlier than normal due to his son’s enthusiasm for learning.

And everywhere Callum went, little Ellowyn was determined to follow. Being barely four years old, Ellowyn was nowhere near as smart as her older brother, but she was determined to learn everything Callum was, though most of the time she spent drawing or reading instead of actually paying attention to the lesson.

What Link and Zelda found most amazing about their children’s relationship was that Ellowyn tempered Callum’s tendency to anger easily. When Zelda asked him about it, he told her it was because he was trying to be a good role model for his little sister.

“Why do you worry about me being angry so much?” Callum asked his mother. “You ask about it a lot.”

“Anger is a very dangerous thing sometimes,” Zelda explained. “It takes over your feelings, warps your judgement, and makes you do things you will end up regretting or worse, things you do not regret.”

“So you’re worried I might lose control of my powers if I’m angry?”

“Yes,” Zelda nodded solemnly. “But your father and I worry about the same thing for ourselves. It’s dangerous for any of us to lose control of our powers. So we must be vigilant if we don’t want to unintentionally hurt others.”

“I see,” Callum tilted his head. Zelda, however, knew it would take a little more time before her son truly understood.

***

“You’re doing very good, Callum,” Link smiled at his son. “Focus on the will to protect; protect others by fighting the battles no one else can.”

“I got it, Father,” Callum smiled back. The red aura surrounding him strengthened.

“Are you under control?” Link called.

“Yes.”

“Good. Now visualize the energy around you condensing, forming a solid beam, and firing toward the target.”

The aura around Callum slowly moved to condensing just as Link instructed. Sweat formed on the prince’s brow as he forced the magic into a bolt of red light. But just as the bolt seemed to come together, the aura dissipated, and Callum almost fell from exhaustion.

“Brother,” Ellowyn rushed forward, but it was too much for the ten-year-old to hold up her sixteen-year-old brother.

“Hey, ah, thanks Ellie,” Callum ended up sitting on the ground. “Can I rest for a bit, Father?”

“Yes, son,” Link smiled as he came to sit next to Callum and Ellowyn in the grass. “We’re not going to try this again until tomorrow so you can get your full strength back.”

“That would be wise,” Callum chuckled. “Maybe we could try some defensive spells. Mother always says they require less power as a whole.”

“But you have the Triforce of Power,” Ellowyn tilted her head. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“Ellie’s right,” Link nodded. “Since you have the Triforce of Power, it’s going to be harder for you to perform defensive magic, just as it’s hard for your mother to perform offensive spells.”

“An interesting trade-off,” Callum pondered. “Yet another reason why each of the pieces of the Triforce are just one part of a whole.”

“Exactly,” Zelda’s voice carried to them from across the training field. “That is why united, the bearers of the Triforce pieces can do anything.” She gracefully sat on the grass with the rest of her family. “Now do you understand why we’ve worried so much about you and your power? Why we stressed the way you think about it, use it, and control it?”

“Yes, I understand now,” Callum nodded. “But you must admit, we would be pretty unstoppable if we worked together.”

“Now that’s the Triforce of Power talking,” Link teased, reaching over to ruffle his son’s hair. “And you’re forgetting Ellie.”

“Oh, never,” Callum reached over to Ellowyn, and tugged her into his lap. “She’s the magic that holds us together, obviously.”

For the first time in sixteen years, Link and Zelda didn’t worry about their son and his Triforce of Power.

[theglowstickchronicles]

OH MAN do I have a story for you guys

Let me start by setting the mood for you. Me, a 25-year-old white girl who wears makeup every day, badass nurse who routinely yells at patients, and in the past 5 days has succumbed to illness. I am totally great at taking care of other people when they are ill, injured, or having a heart attack (see: stepdown nurse). Things I am not good at include solving rubix cubes and being sick. I either ignore that I’m sick and work 16 hours of overtime, like this past weekend, or lay in bed and declare myself Too Sick To Study For My Certification Exam, ie today. Of course hospital life as taught me that every Sick person needs Juice (and also cough drops because coughing grosses me out, including my own), and I drank all the juice and forgot my cough drops at work yesterday. This meant I had to make a trip to the grocery store. 

However, I’m Sick, so I wasn’t too interested in getting dressed. I put on sweapants and my favorite hooded sweatshirts (it has thumb holes! and it’s Goo Goo Dolls!) and drove 4 minutes down the road to Stop and Shop. The only upside to this story is that I have numerous S&S giftcards so I did not pay for any of my groceries.

Anyway. I’m at S&S and I am disgusting and out of cough drops and OF COURSE cannot stop coughing. People are avoiding me like I have consumption. I might actually HAVE consumption. It was like that movie, with Consumption Draco Malfoy? Only ME. 

Also, no makeup and maybe dizzy because I took 3x the amount of Dayquil recommended yesterday for work, and it’s possible I’ve eaten nothing but soup and weird tostito-chicken in 4 days. Also a lot of cranberry juice at work yesterday ANYWAY. I grab my groceries and go to check out and inwardly cheer that I A) did not actually cough on anyone/thing and B) paid for everything with a giftcard. WOOOO!! Plus it is time to go home! Yay! I open up the small bottle of iced tea I bought myself and allow myself to cough my lungs out as I approach my car. I have my keys in my hand, and I go to press the unlock button..

Aaaaaaand my key fob is gone. I have my keychain my house key, my Dad’s house key, my Gramma’s house key, and all my gadgets on it, but no car key. Panicked, I fling my groceries next to my car and run back in (not a good idea with Consumption, btw) and check the station I checked out at. The woman self-checking her groceries clearly feels bad for me but hasn’t seen my keys and very obviously does not want to get near me, since I have The Plague.

I checked the service station and the pharmacy before the lonely 4 aisles I used. Nothing. At this point I’m starting to get panicked. Do I keep searching? Do I stand by my car so that no one finds my fob and steals my car? Horrible thoughts about how much trash and germs are in my car start floating through my head. At this point I’m starting to get a little hysterical and wondering if I should call the police.

I pull myself together a little (not really) and decide to search every single aisle in the store. And post a facebook status about it, of course. I mean I AM friends with half the people in this town from my Dairy Queen days *shudder* and I do actually know a few people who work in this store, so. I make a very grownup facebook status about how this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and continue to search. The more aisles I come up empty-handed, the more my panic starts to grow. Eventually I’ve searched every aisle except the produce section, which I did not even go near, and have started to make new living arrangements. I can set up a bed in the pet aisle, and hey- free beer. I am Stop and Shop girl. I live here now.

After a few minutes I come back to myself and call my Dad, realizing he is stopping by my sister’s house which is 1) 8 minutes away and 2) where my spare keys are. At this point I’m crying / coughing, and I run into my cousin and completely ignore her in favor of crying/coughing. Dad takes pity on my obvious despair/ potential death-by-TB and agrees to bring me my spare keys (after a terrible moment where he can’t find them, but he’s just old and needed to put his glasses on, crisis averted). 

Defeated, I hang my shoulders, wipe my tears, continue to cough, and wearily make my way to the parking lot. As I pass by the check-out stations one last time I take another quick glance and-

MY KEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!!!!!!!!

I am now safely at home, with my car keys.

Unfortunately I still have Consumption, but that’s another problem for another day.

[naamahdarling]

That is actually a really good question!

For the psych eval, yes, absolutely, I need to know, because that was potentially a matter of life and death.  That’s why I looked up the clinic online.

And the answer for the rest is I don’t know.  I can’t decide.  I wrote the above under stressful circumstances and at the time, no, I just wished I didn’t fucking have to deal with it.  I had enough to deal with.

On the one hand, there’s what I said in the original post, “I get that even if they didn’t SAY it, they would still have the same biases, but I don’t have much choice in who I see, so I’d be stuck with them regardless, and I’d rather not have the anxiety of worrying about it.”

On the other, with some distance from the episode, yeah, maybe I would rather know?

Except I can’t always play straight?  There are times when withholding the fact that I am LGBT will compromise the quality of my care.  If I go to get a flu shot, or go to the ear/nose/throat doctor, I really don’t need to bring up my orientation.

But for OB-GYN care, for instance, or for the pelvic floor physical therapy I was doing this summer which is what the original post was about, I actually really do need them to know my orientation so that we can have honest conversations about things like my sex life.  Medical personnel work off assumptions as much as anyone else, maybe more, and unless they know I’m queer those assumptions are liable to be wrong.  My sex life does not look like the typical sex life of a cis woman in a relationship with a cis dude.  I have different priorities and needs, I have different goals, and because I am a grownass human being at 40 years old, I would rather be up front and honest about it all, rather than play fucking head games.  I want good health care.  Sometimes my orientation is irrelevant to that.  Sometimes it is acutely relevant.

So I suppose in that circumstance, I would rather know, provided I could go somewhere else if I didn’t like what I found.  Which isn’t always possible.

Sometimes, though, it’s all I can do to keep my shit together about an appointment, and I don’t need the extra grief.  You know?

For some folks, letting a stranger touch them very personally for like two minutes is something they can deal with -- nobody likes it, blah blah blah blah, etc., but they can do it and come away and not feel sick to their stomach or needing to take a boiling hot shower.  (I am told this is the case but I find it baffling.)  That’s fantastic.  But I have past trauma around being touched intimately by non-partners.  I NEED there to be as few reasons as possible to fear that person because a meltdown brings everything to a screeching halt, prolonging the time I have to be there and worsening everything . . . or possibly getting me thrown out of the office.  Which has happened!

I want to note, the lady who said “Have a blessed day!” didn’t scare me off from going to that clinic. I went, I LOVED my PT, I got great results, I feel better, the experience was super-positive and I would recommend it to anyone with pelvic pain issues, even people with trauma.  I also grilled them over the phone about it before I set foot in there, and I didn’t get any creepy vibes.  And I still almost had a nervous goddamn breakdown in the waiting area because Yay Trauma, and the “have a blessed day” thing just made it that much more unnerving.  You know?

The personal values of the sweet elderly woman who sold me nail polish yesterday and then wished me a blessed day had zero chance, in that situation, of causing a real problem for me.  She had no power over me.  The convenience store is not a major source of institutional violence.  I am free to take her statement as it is meant: as a kindness.

The medical profession?  Absolutely is a source of institutional violence.  A fucking huge one.  And I therefore have to take any statement as a potential red flag.

Trauma is not rare.  I talked to my PT about it, and yeah, trauma is super fucking common in the people she sees.  Being queer isn’t rare either.  Like at all, wow.  And being queer actually means you’re more likely to have trauma in your past.  So honestly, even receptionists need training in making sure all patients feel comfortable, even when that means not openly signaling your personal faith because you acknowledge that it makes some people feel unsafe.

Honestly, even if I were Christian, I think I would feel the exact same way, because this isn’t about me not being Christian, it’s about Christians being generally intolerant of LGBT people.

Enjoy your long and rambling answer to a benign question!

But like at the same time, Christians who have certain jobs need to throttle back at work because for real it gives me hives being told “Have a blessed day!” by someone like a receptionist at a doctor’s office. It happened today and while she was super-sweet and very obviously genuine (in context, I think she was actually trying to make me feel safe) it was still one of those “…welp…” moments.  I’d just told her two minutes before that my girlfriend would be coming to the appointment with me.  My cat was out of the bag, no takesie-backsies.

Christians have a very nasty track record with violence and obstruction against LGBT people like me, so I suddenly am aware that there are people around who might hate people like me, and they have the ability to make my getting medical care difficult or even impossible.

I get that even if they didn’t SAY it, they would still have the same biases, but I don’t have much choice in who I see, so I’d be stuck with them regardless, and I’d rather not have the anxiety of worrying about it.  My other choice is not disclosing that I’m queer if it comes up, and even when not saying anything about it is an option, which it often isn’t, it’s not one I’m willing to take.  I have to choose between being safe and being honest, and that’s shitty.

It can be hard to imagine, I think, for Christian people, what it’s like to be afraid like that, because to Christians, Christianity is a great thing and Christians are great people.

But like the first psych doctor they wanted to send me to for my disability reevaluation worked out of a Christian therapy office (okay) and their clinic policy was “gay people are against God.” (Not okay at all.)

My disability eval was going to be performed by a dude who was comfortable telling children they are wrong to be gay.

I called up the disability office the day I got the letter and got another doctor to do the eval. Thank goodness they were willing to reassign my case after I told them there was “a potential conflict of interest that might threaten the doctor’s impartiality.”  Thank goodness I had the spoons to make the call and the presence of mind to phrase my issue the way I did instead of just yelling “MOVE I’M GAY.”

I mean, y’all understand, I could have gotten my benefits yanked if I’d gone in there and they’d taken a dislike to me based on the fact that I’m not cishet.  Legal protections aside, there is no impartial third party monitoring that appointment, and they have total control over what goes on their paperwork. There is literally nothing keeping them from recommending I be denied.  For disabled people, legal protections are only effective to the extent we can afford to enforce the law with our own money. Money that, if you are on disability, you obviously do not have.

Without my benefits, especially medical coverage, I cannot survive.  So like.

Yeah.

A lot is riding on the goodwill of people who have been shown to historically have very little goodwill for people like me. I don’t like being reminded of it.

Y’all are cool, I love y’all so so so much, but y’all are also really fucking scary in large groups, and when one of y’all has power over me, I never know whether I can trust you and that shit is scary.

Fucking police your own, thanks.

[gsmatthews95]

the animal house

Hola all.

I'm very sorry about the black out I havent been in a blogging mood recently for some reason. but today, with half an hour till our bus to Macedonia I thought I can't continue this and be a whole country behind, that, would have been a large mountain to climb. I am also sorry I have just remembered I forgot to post my Kosovo blog, I Was too bust having fun and that. Worry not I am back and unsure of whether I will post one or two blogs and if I do 2 how will I split them up. Life's unanswered questions.

So our start in Albania was eventful, shockingly because of the buses. You may have noticed the running theme here guys, the buses are crap meaning I got my wish for more adventure but it has meant they've been more expensive and tiring than wed hoped to be honest. But yes, we were at the terminal having speed walked cause we were late in time for the bus. We asked where it left from and were pointed to a corner outside the station... OK, so an international bus is leaving from that corner? Sure. We got there and another man was waiting for the same bus, this helped our nerves. Then he came to speak to us to tell us the bus wasn't coming into the city but was leaving from a restaurant out of town and we had to share a taxi there, cheers for that. Oo i be just realised I wrote about this in the last piece. Oops sorry. Ok moving on.

So Tirana is the Albanian capital city. Not the most exciting place in the world but it had a good feel to it with some pretty buildings, a big Pyongyang esque square and a rich history of empires and communism. One thing that must be noted about Tirana is its abundance of bus stations... It has 3 or 4 just to add to the confusion, amazing, wicked, falaminderit. But yes. Our first stop in Tirana, get George a tattoo yay. I've wanted one for ages and having finally found a design and place for it, it was just a matter of getting the tat. 50 dollars? Fine. And now a few weeks later its not infected, its peeled and looks sick. Everyone meet wei ling my new panda. The next day we were up for an early free walking tour, which was banging followed by a trip to the biggest of Hoxha's communist rule. Side note: he was so paranoid of soviet and us nuclear attacks over a few years he made (I think) 188,000 bunkers, put of an intended 370,000 (I think) to prepare for war with both the us and the soviets. The irony is that the president didn't even know Albania existed, lol. The one we visited tho was huge and never used. At times it was 5 stories underground and even had a huge meeting room/theatre. I stress, it, and none of the others, were used. Wow. On The day we planned to leave for berat we planned a day trip to kruja, the stronghold and home of our great Albanian hero skanderbeu the liberator and saviour of the Albanian people. This was cute. It was a town in the mountains with a pretty old town with cobbled streets and stores and a big omnipotent looking castle. We had a nice lunch up there and wandered the walls before heading back for our bus. This is when the next bus saga began.

This one ranks high in our list of bus grievances second the one in Kosovo and one ahead of the one we're in as I write... So we got back and walked to our hostel, 30 mins. We got our stuff and walked to the station with our bags in the rain. Remember there are three bus stations. We walked to the one we thought was it. Oh no its the one just along this road on the left by the big statue. Ok we can do that. This was maybe another km. We are tired and demotivated. As we get to the station we see a bus to beret leaving around the roundabout. We dont panic, there'll be another we're not in a rush. We ask a guy who works there... That was the last bus, great. So we have to get a bus towards fier and get off at a roundabout to get a taxi. As the sun was setting. Then when we got to beret the street name had changed so the one we gave people was the new one and everyone only knew the old ones so we couldn't find the apartment. This was until a nice man made it his mission to get us there so he called the number five times rill he picked and and the host picked us up. This was a very long day.

Beret however, was a pretty old ottoman city. Another UNESCO site (again) god were getting bored of these now just get me a beach and a city. He he he. Speaking of which we've seen two  more since lol. OK yeah so there's lots of white ottoman houses up the hills with big windows, very photogenic and pretty. There was also a big castle on the hill over the town. This was big, not just a castle but now there are restaurants and hostels up there too along with a mosque and church. Much more than we anticipated. Good exercise, good views and some good history, good cricket. (That was for you dad). Berat was nice but we were done with towns so it was on to the coast and one of our favorite little spits on the trip, vuno....

So I've now decided how to split this piece. I was going to put this in the second one and Split them between cities and beaches but having had such an action packed day yesterday I think I may ramble a bit too much so putting vuno in this piece may be preferable for both my brain and your sanity. I hope y'all agree with me, much love. So vuno. This was a funny stop, wed heard about it from a girl in Montenegro who recommended it to us a a hostel that was converted from a school in a tiny old town near the sea. Cool, the clincher tho was when she said there were animals just wandering around all the time. Score, result, as two big animal lovers vuno was placed on our itinerary immediately. So getting there wasn't easy, shock another bus situation. This one was long and hot. Firstly there was the intracity bus, simple. Then the minibus thru the mountains which was long, over two hours. The driver was also the most sane driver we've ever seen, he drove so carefully and slowly it was refreshing although it did mean the journey was super long. Bring back my crazy drivers please. So we were in vlore. Fine, one more bus and we're there. Only issue, there was no bus station. WHAT?! Omg. Yep we were dropped on the street and told to go to a street corner. We went there and spoke to three taxi drivers who told us we needed a three euro taxi, shock. Not having that thanks. So we spoke to a bus driver who told us to go stand by the road 50m away and hail down a bus that passes. Lord Almighty. Ok. Oh yeah by the way it was like 30 plus degrees. We waited then I asked another woman in a bus company shop and she says there is one leaving from outside her shop in 20 minutes... Convenient... We also only have half the money she asked for and she accepts it. We were very suspicious. Waiting in the road again but this time with a ticket the stakes were high.... We jumped at every bus that came until finally we got it. Easy. We got on and calmed down knowing the worst was done. How wrong we were. This journey, supposed to take an hour by car, took three hours and was unbearably hot. Urgh. It was a big one. But we made it to vuno and when walked to the hostel went a windy way to find a shop. There was no shop. We ended up walking down a narrow downhill path, thru rubble and rocks and eventually thru a construction site as some workers had to let us thru their underground piping operation. Safe to say we felt we deserved a beach day the next day. So the skholla hostel was nice, well done up and had all the amenities apart from, when we first arrived although it got fixed, running water... We were camping so it was also very cheap. The next day we went to a buff beach near by. It was an hour and a half walk to get there thru olive groves, over little farmers walls and down a cliff. It was very nice and provided some exercise before an inevitable day of beach lounging, eating food and swimming. Tick tick tick. A lush day on a lush beach with barely any people because it was getting to late in august. The only problem... The walk home... Up hill... We also manager to get lost... It was very hot and sweaty and we missed our trail sign, grrrrrr. Luckily we had the maps app and we ran into some shepherds who pointed us right. This also led us thru a scenic... Bee farm... The randomness of this trip never fails to disappoint hahahaha. A good day nonetheless. The other day and a half we spent at another beach near by that we could hitchhike to. Again very nice but more busy because its easily accessible and closer to the big town himare. As eluded to earlier the true attraction of the hostel was the wandering animals. Firstly the house cat was an aggressive scavenger, literally eating off your plate and would even come back after he'd been thrown away. Next came the "stray dogs" its hard to say if there stray tho or just have very lax owners. They were all starved of love and affection tho. Lucky they came to the right place, two affection craving humans here, form an orderly line please while we pet all of you in turn. Ok next. We showered them with love and they loved it. I miss Rowland 😞. Next came the heard of goats that fame straight thru the hostel every day. I say thru the hostel the hostel in built on one aide of the road and campsite is on the other. This is the main road to vuno town.. It was wide enough for one Car... But somehow seemed to have constant traffic running thru it, bazar really. The goat heard tho was hilarious, many if them equipped with bells so their imminent arrival was anticipated they would all trot thru, maybe 100 of them, grazing around our tent climbing down walls and generally just chilling, they were jokes and their procession was generally a highlight of our day. Lastly was the wandering mules. Lol. Mules. Run you mule. There were three but apparently there were up to 15 that just wandered freely all day erday. They arrived as we were all eating dinner, how convenient... And as I was trying to chow down on my pasta I had two mule heads, one on each shoulder, also trying to get a bite. They were very persistent, they're big and strong so it was a tricky one to stop them from getting at my food. We pushed them. They didn't budge. We clapped. They flinched. Them eventually our Peruvian friend got them away and then it was just the cat to contend with. An eventful dinner time at the animal house but all very funny and enjoyable.I'll leave y'all here and write the next chapter of our tale in half an hour or so, my head needs a wee rest, as does my stomach. This bus is like a furnace and is weaving round mountains, bleurgh.Falaminderit, ciao. G.