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myaekingheart · 6 years ago

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I feel like I’ve been overthinking food and my weight a lot lately. Past couple nights I’ve had dreams about weight and this weekend, I’ve felt super anxious about food. My boyfriend’s mother was up from Saturday until this morning and she lowkey exhausted the fuck out of me. Sometimes I wonder if she even understands the definition of chill, she always wants to run around and do something and go places like there’s never a relaxing day with her. Yesterday, we went to four different thrift stores, three of which were Goodwill, and that alone was exhausting as fuck. What made it even worse is that the concept of eating when she’s up is always so...stressful. She just never fucking eats, and neither does my boyfriend, but she’s always wanting to take us out to eat but neither of them care where we go so then all the pressure to make a decision almost always rests on me. And then it takes us like an hour to decide where to eat and I’ll be starving and I’ll just want to like eat toast or some shit for breakfast but then I don’t want to eat only for them to be like “Okay let’s go out and get food” and me not be hungry, you know? I feel like it’s socially unacceptable to not eat if you’re going out to a restaurant so there’s always this paranoia about social standards and shit. On Sunday, we went to WingStop and got some food and we ate in the restaurant which we never fucking do (we always just get food to go) and I mean, wings are fucking messy. I was hungry and I wanted to eat (even though I knew there was a very high chance I’d get sick because we were going to the movies afterward which is a hardcore HIGH ANXIETY environment for me and I try to avoid it at all fucking costs) but in the back of my mind all I could think about was how fucking ridiculous I looked, I was making a huge fucking mess, I had sauce all over my hands and all over my face. This one woman walked into the restaurant to order some food herself and she laughed at me, saying that’s how she was going to look once she got her order. On one hand, I was super self-conscious but on the other I didn’t even care? Or maybe that’s what I kept trying to tell myself, that I didn’t give a fuck if I, a full grown adult, was eating wings like a toddler eats cake on her birthday (or anything on any day, for that matter). Yesterday was perhaps the worst in regards to my relationship with food, though. For starters, I was beginning to feel insanely burnt out. His mother had been running us ragged all weekend and last week was the week from hell, I could not catch a break, topped off with the fact that I relapsed in the self harm department last Wednesday, told my therapist and boyfriend about it on Thursday, and then had a massive argument with my boyfriend about it over text messaging that took up all Friday afternoon and left me in hysterical tears for four hours straight, so all I had the capacity to do was clean the house in preparation for this weekend. I was so looking forward to a three-day weekend, too, but unfortunately I couldn’t even enjoy some R+R because of his mother. The only thing keeping me going is the promise of Thanksgiving break next week, honestly, even though I know the minute we come back from that it’s all downhill from there prepping for finals. But anyways, so yesterday I was feeling super burnt out which was bad enough but then that made the food issues even worse. By the time we got ready and figured out what we wanted to do, we didn’t eat our first meal of the day until fucking 2pm and I was already starting to feel dizzy and nauseous. We went to an unfamiliar restaurant where I got a good burger that I ate in it’s entirety, which led to my boyfriend’s mother commenting “She’s hungry!!” and halfway through my food I started getting some serious food-vertigo (which is basically a thing I just made up where sometimes the prospect of eating makes me dizzy and I start to feel kind of sick and anxious). This food-vertigo and exhaustion lasted throughout the entire rest of the day as I was dragged to four different thrift stores and Sam’s Club (I find it funny that after all of this, his mother had the audacity to say she didn’t get everything done up here that she wanted and that the time flew by way too fast like um okay...). I was grateful that she bought me a hoodie I found to use for a Hinata cosplay and my own bluetooth beanie after getting my boyfriend one for his birthday, like I will never say no to someone buying something for me, I was just simultaneously so fucking tired. I knew I had to keep going, though, because there was one thing I definitely wanted to get done today and that was to take the annual park picture that my boyfriend and I have taken in front of this waterfall in a nearby park every year on his birthday since we’ve been together. The picture has to be taken at night, though, when the waterfall is lit up, so we had to wait. We decided to go to dinner beforehand at this semi-fancy restaurant that I had also never eaten in before that gave me some mild anxiety. It was dark inside and the ceilings were high and the tables were marble so shiny you could see the ceiling reflected in them which gave me serious anxiety/vertigo. I wasn’t even hungry, either, but I picked at some garlic knots that tasted pretty good. We did end up getting the picture even though his mother’s hands were super shaky so almost every picture she took was blurry as fuck (and she had to use my phone because both her and my boyfriend’s phones were dead af and my phone camera is shit-- I feel like only I know how to properly work it and make the pictures come out decent). At least we did get a decent picture in the end, though, and then we went home for at least some relaxation before bed. Even this morning/today, though, the food anxiety has persisted. All I ate today before “dinner” was a croissant for breakfast which was delicious and I fucking love croissants, my anxiety was just so bad that I still felt kind of vertigo-y as I ate and even with sleeping in an extra fifteen minutes, I was fucking exhausted. All of this was well and good but I didn’t even mention the worst part of all of this: my boyfriend’s mother had a stomach bug the entire time she was here. Apparently she started feeling sick on Thursday night or something, was going to call out of work Friday, but came up on Saturday anyways because yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and she refused to miss spending it with him. So on top of everything else, I was also struck with the fear of her getting unexpectedly sick no matter what we did or where we went, as well as stuck with the nuisance of her complaining about how she hadn’t eaten anything since Thursday and that she couldn’t eat and that her stomach was bothering her so much. It made me even more anxious because all I could think about was her puking in the only bathroom in the house and then myself having to interact with that (the toilet that would have been since contaminated with her stomach bug germs) or her running to the bathroom with hand clasped over mouth or something equally nerve-wracking. Every time we went out to eat, she’d barely get any food and anything she did eat was so fucking panicky to watch like all I could think about was her vomiting it all back up again and the risk of that. It made eating even less enjoyable for me, the not-so-friendly neighborhood emetophobic. And now, tonight, I am struck with the horrifying fear that I may have just walked right into a trap. I ate her barely-touched leftovers from Saturday night for dinner and now I’m feeling so nauseous but I can’t tell if it’s because her food was contaminated with her fucking germs or if it’s just my anxiety talking. Either way, I know I cannot afford to be sick right now which makes things that much worse. I’m still so fucking exhausted, too, I still have a bit of that vertigo-y thing going on, I’m stressed, I’m anxious. Everything sucks and I overall just kind of want to die.

And in terms of the dream, last night I dreamed that I stepped on the scale and had gained seven more pounds than the last time I weighed myself. I know I need to gain weight to be healthy but at the same time, I can’t help but feel so out of control and panicked because I know I gained weight without even trying. Yeah, I eat, like I’ll starve myself but I still eat, but the fact that I recently gained five whole fucking pounds without even trying??? And in the course of, like, a month if eve that??? That is fucking TERRIFYING. Like just...how??? Especially when I didn’t think I was doing anything different, you know? That’s just so nerve-wracking. So of course my subconscious is playing on those fears and feeding me nightmares about gaining even more weight without even trying, leaving me to feel out of control and panicked. I even keep almost gaslighting myself about the real incident, saying maybe I only dreamed that I gained five pounds and that next time I weigh myself, I’ll be back to my usual weight or something, I don’t know. It’s so weird to feel so comfortable at a consistent weight that you know is logically too low for your height and age. Like I panic when I drop too low and I panic when I gain. It’s just so fucking bizarre, I don’t know, man. Maybe I am anorexic after all. I know I have some sort of eating disorder but I’ve always told myself I was super atypical, that I never fit the criteria for any of the real eating disorders, but now...well, now I’m not so sure. I took an assessment with my therapist for this sort of stuff on Thursday morning when I last saw her, so hopefully the next time I see her I’ll get the results and know for sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t know, man, right now everything is just kind of super fucked up.

#weird dreams #eating disorder recovery #emetophobia #tw: self harm #ramblings

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laurallama52-blog · 6 years ago

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Weeknight Spaghetti Squash Spaghetti Bake

You’ll never even miss the traditional pasta with this amazingly delicious spaghetti squash spaghetti bake recipe! We fight over the leftovers, it’s so good.

I know using spaghetti squash in place of traditional pasta for good ol’ spaghetti is nothing new, but this spaghetti squash spaghetti bake (very redundant title alert) is extra delicious thanks to the fast and flavorful homemade sauce. I mean, the melty, glorious cheese on top doesn’t hurt anything, however that savory, delicious sauce is what steals the show.

I’ve been on the fence about whether I would ever post this recipe, but seriously, after making it at least five times since early January (and serving it to several sets of company with very high reviews including the phrase “Mel, this is probably the most delicious thing you’ve ever fed me”), I decided for my own personal recipe sake, I wanted this spaghetti squash spaghetti to have a placeholder here on the blog.

I’ve long been a fan of spaghetti squash; I sometimes use it as a substitute for pasta or rice when I want a lower carb dinner. I cook it up and then ladle my portion of sauce/stroganoff/gravy over spaghetti squash while most of my family goes to town on the pasta or rice (except my vegetable loving 13-year old who gladly joins me in spaghetti squash land).

But for this recipe, I wanted to make an actual everyone-will-eat-this-together-or-else spaghetti bake that throws spaghetti squash into the forefront. And I don’t know why, but it’s just a million percent better mixed together and baked like this than spooning the same sauce over spaghetti squash has ever been.

The first time I made this, my 14-year old said, mid-bite, “wow, these noodles are so good,” and then surprisingly didn’t bat an eye when his younger sister destroyed his pasta hopes and dreams by excitedly telling him it was actually spaghetti squash. He just gave her a quick side eye (intuitively knowing she was trying to ruin his life) and dished up seconds.

The components of the recipe are simple:

1) super quick weeknight homemade spaghetti sauce – not a whole lot more work than opening a jar of pasta sauce, this homemade version has incredible flavor. It’s so, so good and is what makes this spaghetti squash spaghetti bake really amazing, in my opinion.

2) spaghetti squash – if cooking it seems intimidating or foreign, never fear! I’m giving some tips below.

3) cheese – and lots of it. Or not. It’s your choice. Parmesan and mozzarella are both welcome here.

There are two foolproof ways to cook spaghetti squash. First, in the Instant Pot. If you have one, it’s high time you threw some spaghetti squash in there. I have a post detailing how to cook spaghetti squash in the Instant Pot here, but in short, cut the spaghetti squash in half, scoop out the seeds, pour in 1 cup of water to the IP, add the rack and the squash, and cook on high pressure for 7 minutes. Perfecto.

The second way is to cook the squash in the oven. I use this method particularly if I’m cooking more squash than will fit in the IP. I cut the spaghetti squash in half, scoop out the seeds, place the spaghetti squash cut side down on a lightly greased baking sheet (no water needed) and bake at 375 degrees for 40-50 minutes until it is very tender.

After scraping the strands out of the squash, I like to let them sit for 5-7 minutes. Excess liquid/water will pool at the bottom of the strands, and draining that off will help the spaghetti squash bake not be too liquidy. But it’s totally optional (and the spaghetti is delicious either way).

Anyway, there you have it. Spaghetti squash spaghetti bake. It’s so, so good. Just this weekend I made it for a family of seven visiting us (who incidentally are eating processed sugar- and gluten-free right now so it was the perfect meal; we subbed in honey for the brown sugar and coconut aminos for the soy sauce). I doubled it figuring we would have leftovers coming out of our ears…but we all gobbled up every last bite.

If you start with an oven safe pan (for making the sauce), you can toss the spaghetti squash in there and bake it in the same pan which will save you a dish to wash. Otherwise, you can transfer everything to a casserole/baking dish. I use an All-clad 4-quart cook/serve pan that was gifted to me years ago for everything (making the sauce and baking); this is the well-reviewed Cook’s Standard (much cheaper) alternative aff. link if you are looking for a similar pan.

I just used up the last of my spaghetti squash from my garden last summer (I kept it in a cool, dry spot in my pantry and it lasted forever); thankfully spaghetti squash is pretty easy to find in grocery stores even at this time of year so I can keep making this until my own garden pulls through for me later this year.

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Yield: 6-8 servings

Prep Time: 20 minutes

Cook Time: 30 minutes

Additional Time: 15 minutes

Total Time: 1 hour 5 minutes

Ingredients

1 pound ground beef or ground turkey - CAN LEAVE OUT FOR MEATLESS DISH

1/2 cup chopped onion

2 cloves garlic, finely minced or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder

2 tablespoons tomato paste

1 teaspoon dried basil

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1/4 teaspoon dried thyme

1/2 teaspoon coarse, kosher salt

1/4 teaspoon black pepper

28-ounce can crushed tomatoes

8-ounce can tomato sauce

1-2 teaspoons brown sugar or honey

1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce

6 cups cooked spaghetti squash (24-25 ounces, about 2 small-medium squashes or 1 large) drained of any excess liquid/water (see note)

1 to 2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese

1/2 cup shredded Parmesan cheese

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

In a large 12-inch nonstick skillet (see note) over medium-high heat, cook the ground meat, onion, garlic, and a pinch of salt and pepper, breaking the meat into small pieces as it cooks, until the meat is not longer pink. Drain any excess grease.

Stir in the tomato paste, basil, oregano, thyme, salt and pepper. Cook over medium-high heat, stirring constantly, for about a minute, until the mixture smells fragrant.

Add the crushed tomatoes, tomato sauce, brown sugar and soy sauce. Stir to combine.

Bring the sauce to a simmer and cook for 5 minutes.

Add the cooked spaghetti squash noodles to the skillet (if it's big enough; if not, transfer the sauce and spaghetti squash to a baking dish) and toss/stir to evenly combine. Pat the mixture into a somewhat even layer. Sprinkle with the mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses.

Bake for 20 minutes until the cheese and spaghetti are bubbling. Let rest for 10-15 minutes out of the oven before serving (the longer it rests, the less liquidy it will be).

Notes

This recipe calls for cooked spaghetti squash "noodles" - I usually use my Instant Pot for this following these instructions. You can also cook the spaghetti squash in the oven. Halve the spaghetti squash lengthwise, scoop out the seeds and place the squash face down or up on a baking sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 40-50 minutes until tender. Let cool slightly before scraping up the strands of spaghetti squash.

A 12-inch skillet isn't large enough for the sauce and the spaghetti squash together, so you will need to transfer to an ovenproof baking dish to bake. If you have a larger skillet or a 3- or 4-inch deep pan that's ovenproof, make the sauce in that so you can use it in the oven, too (and save transferring to another dish).

This recipe feeds our family of seven (a few of the younger kids are small eaters) with a few servings of leftovers. The recipe can definitely be cut in half (if so, it will fit just fine in a 12-inch skillet, so if the skillet is ovenproof, you can save a dish and bake it in there, too). But, the leftovers are also AMAZING (and individual portions would probably freeze great) if you want to make the full recipe.

If you have a brand of pasta sauce you love and it comes in a 32-ounce jar, you could sub it in for the homemade sauce (and either leave the spaghetti squash amount the same or decrease slightly for a saucier dish).