#me. mid row: wait what did they just say??? *checks* oh. that’s kinda funny.

[patron-saint-of-lesbeans]

God would love me if I was a worm (Isaiah 41:14)

[hime-memes]

( Requested ) This long list of starters comes from the youtube content creator: Nisipisa ! In particular, the video: ‘ Let’s Go Window Shopping 6: Crimes Against Pants with Shein ‘

Trigger Warnings: Sexual Innuendo, Alcohol & Drug Mentions and Swearing.

As always: feel free to change anything within these starters that you see fit to make it work for your muse & the receiver’s muse !

( Some sentences have been modified for length, understanding, or to give fuller context. )

“ First of all, these shorts ? I’m living for the whole outfit. I appreciate _____ finding a use for trashbags that’s not just holding trash. “

“ ... I don’t have enough brain bandwidth to actually hold enough information about it ... “

“ People deserve access to clothing in their size. 100 %. “

“ I’m already kinda impressed. “

“ This is a pretty dress & this is a pretty dress. That’s pretty ! That’s ... passable ? “ 

“ We had a lot of fun last time with t-shirts. “

“ Oh my god. Oh god ... Oh yes ! This is our first graphic tee of the day. “

“ It’s a crew neck in the ugliest shade of purple known to human or lobster eyes. “

“ Sorry: #Momlife. “ 

“ You can make sure your search engine optimization is as powerful as possible when you’re waiting in line to check out at Target™ for the fourth time this week. “ 

“ I didn’t mean to shame anybody that spends three days out of their week at Target™. “

“ If there wasn’t a panna cotta going on, that would be me. It’s my favorite place in the goddamn world ! “

“ It’s second only to shoe stores that sell a size twelve ! “ 

“ As we all know - I am not a mother and will likely biologically never be one, because God looked at me and said, ‘ If I give you a reproductive system, you’re going to be too powerful ‘ and so, he just nuked my uterus. “

“ I don’t find that this t - shirt celebrates motherhood in any meaningful way. “ 

“ I do think it celebrates having bad taste in a meaningful way. “

“ You know what ? For some people: That’s enough. “ 

“ ... We aren’t going to address why having a cutout tight might be useful ... “

“ And THIS is the sexiest shoe we could have put my girl in ?! “

“  You guys put her in this conservative nightmare heel ?! “

“ I like that ______ thinks you should wear all these graphic tees with light wash mom jeans and converse low tops. “

“ I think every website should encourage it’s patrons to dress like the main character of a Sarah Dessen novel from 2007. “

“ There’s some high schooler in a debate club that’s really into it. It’s kinda their whole personality, and they’re like: ‘ This is so ironically funny for me ‘. “

“ In the year of our Lord, 2008: I started high school and my absolute favorite shirt to wear was a shirt quite like this. “

“ It looked like I was wearing long sleeves under short sleeves when in reality, I was wearing a crime. “

“  Have you ever tried layering ? Like, actual layering ? It sucks ! “ 

“ You’re kidding ! A double whammy in the same row ? Oh my god ... “ 

“ ... We have also inexplicably made the model hit this pose. “

“ The person who needs these pants is someone who likes to go out and party - likes to go to the club - but, they are also the president of a fan club for Shar Pei dogs. “

“ You know what dogs I think are cute ? ( * Googles favorite dog * ) Just look at this guy ! “ 

“ Look at these pointy bastards ! “

“ This is like if you had a bat and you did a spell on it to make it a dog ! “ 

“ These ... Now THIS is a pair of pants ! “

“  Clinically depressed, stressed jeans. “

“  You take leopard print fabric and sew it into your distressed holes. “

“ You don’t have to frankenstein it into this type of fit ... this is kinda like how a hypebeast would dress if they were in elementary school. “

“ If you put a bow on this and a tutu: this is me and my girls rolling up to the Jojo Siwa concert. “

“ Am I saying I wouldn’t wear these shorts ? No, I’m not saying that at all - I would wear the fuck outta these shorts ! “

“  As we’ve established: my taste is awful. “ 

“ Do you think in 1503, when Lisa del Giocondo sat down to start being painted for this portrait - she thought in a couple hundred years some random fast fashion brand would take her likeness, photoshop a face mask on it ... and sell it on a graphic t - shirt ? “

“ The only responsibilities I had were watching Rugrats and learning object permanence. “

“ Stop living in the past. The future is fun because my videos are in it ! “

“ This little cherry top, I think I’d probably wear. I think it’s very sweet ! “

“  I’m so weak to anything with a grid print. “ 

“ I’m going to think about this shirt for the rest of my life ... “

“ What exactly does a lil’ house elf from Harry Potter™ have to do with this ? “

“ I do feel like this floral print will cause my brain to atrophy if I look at it too long. “ 

“ Rosé is not the only wine to rhyme with ‘ all day ‘. Rosé isn’t even good ! “

“ You know what ? I don’t work for _______, so it’s fine. It’s not my responsibility ! “ 

“ Hey guys, you having fun at mushroom college ? “

“ I saw two things: The crotch butterfly and the booty butterfly and now I’m thinking these are the only clothes anyone should ever wear. Ever. “ 

“ NOT THE ‘ SEX ’ EARRINGS !? YES ! “ 

“ This is brazenly and offensively targeting a very very very specific group of people that I went to my preppy college with and I don’t appreciate that. “

“ I’ve worn spaghetti sauce stained yoga pants to bed that are sexier than this ! “

“ I’d wear the fuck outta this. “

“ I don’t know what I can say ... the picture speaks for itself, this is awful ! “

“ I’ve been saying for the longest time there is absolutely no store online that I can find articles of clothing for my single, mid-western, art teacher from the 70s, halloween costume. Finally someone is filling that niche ! “

“ This is absolutely unprecedented, because _______ decided to take something that, not only didn’t exist, but that no one has ever asked for and make it a reality. “ 

“ They think to themselves: ‘ Man - I love leopard print and I love galaxy print: but, I wish there was some way I could experience them at the same time, in an orientation that looks like the very beginnings of a DMT trip, and I wish I could experience all that whilst exercising. “

“  This is so tacky that I wanna wear it. “ 

“ Lord - Jesus, life is so beautiful. and full ... and amazing ! “ 

“ Curse allttle and carra fu///ng ON. “

“ The Rocky Horror Picture Show did not die for our sins for you to make this, okay ____ ? “

“ I feel like the person that wears this is a representative from the International Coalition of Clowns that are also Sexy. “

“ I want the opposite of this: I want a pink pastel frilly one piece that just says across the front of it, in like Curlz MT font : ‘ Death ‘. “

“ Listen, I don’t know what font that is, but I would like President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris to outlaw it. I don’t think it does society any good. “ 

“ I heart freak city ? “

“ Uh yeah, I live on Drip Goth Punk street. “

“ Is that near Superfreak Sexy Gurl lane ? “ 

“ We have a big snake problem here in Boston and I’m glad _____ is finally recognizing this. “

“ Mama. “ * Cue insane cackling * 

“ This shirt says ‘ heart stopper ’ ... that’s me when I’m a serial killer ! “ 

“ That’s so topical and current ! Thank you, _______. “ 

[tsuki-chibi]

Blackberries (Adrinette April) Day 26: Sick day

Or see it on AO3: Blackberries 

--------

When Marinette walked into school on Monday morning, she kind of wished she had taken a sick day, because the hottest topic of conversation was Coccinelle and Lynx and the new Bee and Fox miraculous holders. As she walked to Madame Bustier’s classroom, she couldn’t help looking around and wondering if one of the students around her was Coccinelle or Lynx. It could’ve been anyone.

‘This sucks,’ she thought to Adrien, who had already arrived at the classroom. Rather than wait outside for Marinette like he usually did, he’d been dragged into the school by an overly excited Alya.

‘It’s frustrating,’ Adrien thought in agreement. ‘But maybe, with time, it’ll get a little easier and we won’t wonder as much.’

Marinette had her doubts about that. Any attempts at getting Tikki to give so much as a hint about Coccinelle’s identity had been met with either silence or polite refusals or, last night when she had pushed Tikki too far, a gentle scolding about respecting privacy. Adrien had also asked Plagg about Lynx a few times, but Plagg usually just laughed at him and refused to say anything.

“Marinette, there you are!�� Alya cried as Marinette slid the door to their classroom open.

“Uh – what?” Marinette said, freezing and wondering if her phone had lied and she was late.

‘You’re not late. Alya is just going crazy,’ Adrien thought, waving to her from where he was still sitting beside Chloé in the front row. Chloé wasn’t there yet.

“Did you read my newest article on the Ladyblog?” Alya demanded, practically jumping down the stairs to shove her phone in Marinette’s face. “Look! It has over two hundred thousand views already! That’s over twice as many views as I got from Lila’s interview!”

“Wow,” Marinette said, gently easing Alya’s phone away from her nose. “That’s really cool! And of course I read it, but my mom made me help in the bakery all day yesterday. We were slammed. I didn’t get a chance to text you.”

“Sure, yeah,” Alya said absently, all of her attention on her blog as she hit the refresh button again. Marinette slipped by and made her way up to her desk, thankful that Lila wasn’t there yet either. Maybe she would be lucky and Lila would be the one who was out sick.

“Good morning, Marinette,” Nino said.

“Hi Nino,” Marinette said with a smile, taking her seat. “Long weekend?”

Nino just sighed. “Let’s just say I’m kinda glad that Alya and I have shields up,” he whispered, leaning towards Marinette. “All she’s been talking about nonstop is that article she wrote.”

“Ouch,” Marinette said, who was well acquainted with exactly how obsessed Alya could get. She suddenly found herself grateful that she had been preoccupied all weekend. Listening to Alya drone on about Ladybug was awkward enough. She really didn’t want to have to listen to endless theories about the new Bee and Fox too!

“So do you think there’ll be an akuma attack today?” Alya demanded, throwing herself down in her seat. She looked from Marinette to Nino to Adrien, clearly expecting an answer. Marinette looked at Nino and shrugged, so Nino turned hopefully to Adrien. Adrien sighed.

“Uh – we don’t know,” he said at last. “I don’t think anyone but Hawkmoth knows that.”

“But I need someone to get akumatized!” Alya cried.

“Alya!” Nino said. “That’s awful.”

Alya scrunched her face up. “I know, but how else am I going to find out more about Coccinelle and Lynx?” she asked, dramatically flopping over the desk. “If they’re anything like Ladybug and Chat Noir, they’ll only come out when there’s an akuma or when they’re on patrol. And who even knows if they’re going to be doing patrols? I just have so many questions I want to ask!”

“It’s very unlikely that they’re going to tell you what you want to know even if you do get to see them,” Marinette pointed out.

“You don’t know that. I can be very persuasive,” Alya said, wiggling her eyebrows.

“What do you even want to know?” Adrien asked.

“Everything! I want to know why Ladybug and Chat Noir stopped being heroes, I want to know who Coccinelle and Lynx are, I still want to know who Ladybug and Chat Noir are – I want to know it all!” Alya proclaimed.

“Why don’t you just ask Lila?” Marinette said before she could stop herself.

“Why would Lila know?” Alya asked, puzzled.

“Well, you said Lila and Ladybug are best friends. If Ladybug doesn’t have the Ladybug miraculous anymore, then surely she would’ve told Lila who she was so they could keep hanging out,” Marinette said in the most innocent voice she could muster. “Lila probably knows all the details now.”

Adrien was hard-pressed to restrain a smirk as Alya’s eyes lit up. ‘You’re evil,’ he thought.

‘You know it,’ Marinette thought smugly. She was extremely curious to find out what Lila would say in response to that. Though knowing Lila and the wild stories she could pull out of mid-air, she’d probably make something up about Ladybug having to flee Paris unexpectedly. After all, it wasn’t like Lika could give the name of someone. Not unless she had someone willing to lie for her…

“That’s a great idea!” Alya burst out. “Maybe she’d be willing to do another interview!”

Nino was smiling at Alya’s enthusiasm. “You won’t know until you ask. And there’s your chance.” He nodded to the door and Marinette turned to look as Lila walked into the room. Chloé, Sabrina, and Ivan were right behind her.

“Hi Lila!” Alya said.

“Hi,” Lila said, making her way up to her desk.

“Did you see the Ladyblog this weekend?” Alya asked.

“Yeah,” Lila said slowly. “Why?” She looked from Alya to Nino to Adrien before settling on Marinette, her eyes narrowed. It was obvious that she knew something was up, but she wasn’t sure what. Marinette couldn’t help a small smirk.

“I wanted to know if you’d do another interview!” Alya said, and it was wonderful to see the way that Lila froze.

“Another interview? Why?” Lila asked.

“Because you’re Ladybug’s best friend, of course! You’ve got the inside scoop on why she’s no longer a superhero,” Alya said. “And maybe even on her identity?” She looked hopefully at Lila.

‘This is great,’ Adrien thought gleefully.

‘She looks totally panicked,’ Marinette thought, biting her lip to hold a smile in.

“U-um… I’ll have to see…” Lila said, clearly trying to think fast. “Ladybug, she – she doesn’t really want me spreading her secrets…”

“But she’s not Ladybug anymore,” Nino said. “Hey, maybe you could even introduce us!”

“That would be amazing!” Marinette chimed in, unable to resist.

“I’d like to meet her too,” Adrien added.

“So would I,” Chloé said, setting her backpack down behind Asrien. “You did say on the blog that you’d do more interviews. You wouldn’t want to disappoint your fans, right?”

“Of – of course not,” Lila said weakly.

“Speaking of blogs, did you guys see the picture of Marinette and Adrien?” Chloé went on, turning to Alya and Nino.

“No,” Alya said, looking baffled by the fact that Chloé was speaking to her.

“You need to see it. They look like the perfect couple,” Chloé gushed, pulling her phone out and turning it on. She aimed it at Alya and Nino – and, Marinette realized, at Lila, who took one look at the photo and went white. Then she flushed red with anger.

‘Remind me to bake Chloé a dozen cookies,’ Marinette thought.

‘She deserves way more than just a dozen,’ Adrien thought. ‘I almost feel bad for enjoying this.’

“Wow, that is a great picture,” Alya said, impressed.

“Excuse me,” Lila mumbled, grabbing her backpack. She rushed down the steps and out the door.

“Oh, poor Lila,” Alya said, her smile immediately falling. “Seeing you guys together is so hard for her.”

Chloé put her hands on her hips. “And why would that be?” she asked tightly.

Alya awkwardly glanced over her shoulder at Marinette. “Ah, well…”

“If the next words out of your mouth have anything to do with soulmates, then save it,” Chloé sneered. “You call yourself a journalist, but you’re really failing to check your sources. I’ve never heard of an ethical and genuine journalist that ignores an established source of information for pure clickbait bullshit.”

“Watch it, Chloé,” Nino said warningly.

“Shut it, Lahiffe. This doesn’t concern you,” Chloé said haughtily. “Everyone, listen up!” She yelled that last part, and everyone in the class turned to look at them.

“What is it?” Alix said.

“At first I thought it was funny, but now I’m sick of it and so I’m putting this dumb rumor to rest. Adrien Agreste and Lila Rossi are not soulmates. Whatever Rossi thinks she feels towards him is all in her head,” Chloé said. Adrien’s mouth dropped open in surprise.

“How do you know?” Alya demanded.

Chloé glared at her. “Because Adrien and I have been friends since we were children. I know what his words are, and I guarantee you that Rossi did not, and never will, say them.”

[cow-legs]

Girls Night Out

I wanted to practice writing something in a script format which I’ve never really done before in any serious capacity, so I asked people on twitter for random Pokémon characters to use (which ended up being Gardenia, Sina, Valerie, and Mr. Backlot) and with those I wrote....something. Enjoy??

HEARTHOME CITY - NIGHT

    [Gardenia, Valerie, and Sina are sitting in a booth in a small restaurant - Valerie and Sina sitting on one side, and Gardenia across from them. Each are just finishing up their respective meals, and are mid-conversation.]

VALERIE: I must say, [She pauses to wipe her face with a napkin] I am very happy that you two are getting along so well!

    [As she speaks, she slides her long sleeve back down to its usual length, as she had it rolled up further than it could take as to allow her to actually use her hand for eating, but was now finished]

GARDENIA: Well, thanks for bringin’ us all together! It’s been a while since I’ve had a good night off.

SINA: Same. If it weren’t for you bringing me with you here, I’d probably be back at home reorganizing like dozens of research papers for the fifth night in a row, so chilling with you and Gardenia is an alternative I’d take like, any day.

GARDENIA: Aww~

    [Valerie chuckles, pleased with the situation, Sina takes another sip of her drink.]

SINA: How’d you two meet, anyway? 

GARDENIA: Oh, well, years back all us Sinnoh leaders went up to Kalos to challenge the leaders there.

SINA: Oh!! Oh, yeah, Arceus, I remember that! I REALLY wanted to see Fantina's matches, but I had just started working for the professor at the time so I had wayyy too much work to do...

GARDENIA: Ooh, Fantina? Are you a fan of hers? She's in town, I could probably introduce you!

SINA: Oh Arceus, no, haha! You really don't have to.

GARDENIA: Aaaalright, she's probably asleep anyway. [Laughs] But anyway, me 'n Val got paired up for our first match, and we became friends pretty quickly. I won the battle, of course.

VALERIE: That's strange, I appear to remember differently.

GARDENIA: Hey, you and the ref can keep saying that, but we all know that I was the clear winner there.

VALERIE: Funny, I don't recall you having such an attitude when I completely destroyed your roserade.

[All laugh.]

GARDENIA: Anyway, how do you two know each other?

SINA: Well, you know I work under Professor Sycamore, and he usually, like, sends me and Dex to do a lot of his errands all over the reasons, because Arceus knows he has way more work than a man like that should ever be trusted with, so there was this one time I had to go to Laverre City to take care of some stuff,

VALERIE: I was doing a show at the time and was a touch short on hands, so I ended up plucking her up off the street and using her as a model! [Laughs] Thinking back, I feel it was a bit rude to ask on such short notice, but now I am glad I did, as I would not have met her otherwise!

GARDENIA: Oh man, seriously? Lucky!! I don't even like dresses, but I'd seriously kill to wear one of Val's.

VALERIE: [Shocked] Truly? You mean it? Well then, [Claps her hands together once, happily] I will have to make one for you someday!

GARDENIA: REALLY? Fuck yeah!! You're seriously the best, V--

[Waiter walks past, setting down the check in front of Gardenia]

GARDENIA: Oh, thanks. Hey, we can ditch whenever you guys want. [Shoving the change in her pockets]

SINA: We might as well go now. I wanna take in as much of The Sights (TM) that I can before I gotta go back home

[Cut to the girls walking outside of the restaurant. Valerie notices something out of the corner of her eye, and stops.]

VALERIE: Oh my, is that...Amity Square, was it called? 

GARDENIA: Huh? Oh yeah, I forgot that was in this city.

VALERIE: [Excited] Oh, I have read all about this place! I was very sad to learn that Sinnoh has such strict laws about having trained pokémon out in public, but then I found out about this! [Quickly turning to face the others] May we go there?

GARDENIA: Why not?

SINA: Sure, sounds interesting enough.

[Valerie spins around again to face it and begins walking towards it. Gardenia and Sina follow behind.]

VALERIE: Wonderful! My little mawile will have so much fun~!

[At the mention of mawile, Gardenia freezes, dawning horror spreading across her face as she realizes something]

GARDENIA: [Nervous] Uh, Val, actually I uh, don't think this is such a good idea.

VALERIE: Whatever do you mean? [She does not stop walking]

GARDENIA: [Very nervous] I just, uh, well they're REEEALLY particular about the kinds of pokémon they let in, so--

VALERIE: You mean the rule about cute pokémon? There is no need to worry, Gardenia, my lovely little mawile is the cutest pokémon to ever live~! [She gets gradually more excited and her pace quickens with it]

GARDENIA: [Extremely nervous] W-well that's the thing, Val, they're really-- 

[She stops as Valerie has walked through the entrance and Gardenia realizes it's too late. Sina gives her a look of confusion and worry before the two follow after her. Inside, Valerie is speaking to the receptionist.]

RECEPTIONIST: Okay, please show me the pokémon you'd like to accompany you.

VALERIE: [Excitedly hands the nice lady a heal ball] Here! My beautiful mawile!

RECEPTIONIST: [Pauses, before promptly giving it back to her.] I'm sorry, ma'am, but mawile is not one of the pokémon accepted here.

[Valerie, still smiling, blankly looked at the woman. Gardenia cringed, knowing exactly what she feared was soon going to follow.]

VALERIE: Excuse me?

RECEPTIONIST: Here, [She hands Valerie a large laminated sheet displaying several pokémon] this is the list of pokémon we allow inside the square.

[Valerie searches the list, happy expression fading as she cannot find mawile on it. She pauses for a moment, before looking back up at the receptionist with a new polite smile, though this one is clearly forced.]

VALERIE: I am sorry, but there must be some sort of mistake.

RECEPTIONIST: [Shaking her head] I apologize ma'am, but I'm not allowed to let a mawile in. If you don't have any of the accepted pokémon, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

VALERIE: [Clearly getting more angry as she speaks] Are you not an establishment centered around cute pokémon? How do you have any right to judge my mawile without even seeing her? Only allowing specific species without accounting for any individual pokémon’s beauty is--is--...is criminal! 

RECEPTIONIST: I really am sorry, ma’am, but there really is nothing I can do about it. The owner is very strict on what species are allowed in here, and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

VALERIE: Of course you can! You can just let her in!

RECEPTIONIST: I’m sorry ma’am but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

VALERIE: Wh--Why you--

    [Valerie moves forward as if she’s about to jump over the desk and attack, but Gardenia and Sina quickly move in and each grab an arm, restraining her. They begin pulling her back towards the doors. The receptionist sighs with relief.]

VALERIE: You savages will pay for this--this--villainy!! The authorities will surely hear of your crimes!

Gardenia: They absolutely will not be hearing about this, I’m so sorry for this.

Sina: Have a nice night!

    [The two successfully pull Valerie outside. They finally let go of her after she has had time to calm down.]

VALERIE: [Calmly before growing more aggressive] I...I apologize for my outburst. I simply cannot believe the nerve of that--! 

GARDENIA: [Nervously and hurriedly] HEYY, how about we go for a nice long walk through Route 212 where you can have your mawile out and we can all calm down.

SINA: That sounds GREAT, COME ON VALERIE LET’S GO!

    [Sina grabs Valerie’s hand - well, sleeve - and they hurriedly head south toward Route 212]

    [Cut to the girls walking along Route 212. Valerie’s mawile has finally been freed now that they are in the wilderness, and is holding onto her sleeve as they go.] 

VALERIE: Okay, alright, I believe I have truly calmed down now. I am very grateful for you two keeping me in line.

GARDENIA: Just don’t do that again and we’re cool. I don’t think I have the emotional energy to prevent another murder.

VALERIE: [Clearly shocked and saddened by that comment] A--Ah, no, I would never do a thing like that! Did it really seem like that…?

GARDENIA: Ah--No, it was a joke, sorry.

SINA: At least one good thing came out of this, this’ll be like a really funny story to tell. 

VALERIE: P-please do not tell anyone about this.

SINA: Aw, alright fine, our lips are sealed.

GARDENIA: Hey, I don’t speak for me. I’m not making any promises. [Grins]

SINA: Hey!!

    [Sina jokingly slaps her on the back of the head for this. They all laugh. Mr. Backlot appears in front of them.]

MR. BACKLOT: Well! That’s a fine mawile you have there! 

VALERIE: Oh? Yes, she is my absolute pride and joy! [She picks up mawile, clearly pleased to have been complimented on her.]

MR. BACKLOT: Hoho, indeed! [Walking closer to examine the small monster] At first I thought one of the pokémon from my garden had wandered out and found you, but I can see that it’s really yours! She even resembles you a bit!

SINA: Your garden?

MR. BACKLOT: Yes! My garden - over there, see? [Gestures to the nearby mansion] Pokémon from all over the world come here just to see it! Many pokémon not found in the region reside there even now! I’d be happy to let you all see it if you’re interested. [The way he says this feels very over-eager and practiced, as if he’s given this talk many times and was just waiting for the opportunity to say it again]

GARDENIA: Oh yeah, I think I’ve heard of this place. Sounds kinda sketchy, though.

MR. BACKLOT: [Noticing Gardenia for the first time] Oh! You are the gym leader Gardenia, correct? Excuse me, I didn’t even realize. I must insist that you come see it, it’s truly a sight to behold, and I’m sure you’ll find an exotic pokémon to fit even your standards!

Gardenia: Ehhh, I dunno, dude.

Sina: As weird as it sounds, the idea of non-native pokémon being here is definitely interesting… The professor would probably want to hear about something like this…

GARDENIA: Isn’t Sycamore into mega evolution? What would he want with some weird garden?

SINA: ...Okay, I want to check it out, are you happy?

GARDENIA: Okay, fine. It sounds more interesting than Amity Square would’ve been, at least. 

MR. BACKLOT: Oh, you know Amity Square?

GARDENIA: Yeah?

MR. BACKLOT: [Proudly] I’m actually the owner of the place!

    [Valerie, who had been calmly listening, suddenly looks alert and stares at Mr. Backlot, her grip on mawile growing tighter.]

VALERIE: You’re the owner of that establishment?

MR. BACKLOT: Yes, I certainly am!

VALERIE: [Taking a step closer] You’re the man who unjustly barred my adorable mawile from entering that place?

MR. BACKLOT: [Beginning to understand the situation] Oh, erm, yes? Oh--but that’s not to say that your mawile isn’t cute! We just, you know, have a standard that we want to--

VALERIE: A what?!

    [Valerie sets down mawile and starts moving towards him faster as he tries to back up.]

MR. BACKLOT: Well, you know, there is, uh, well, you see…

    [At this point he gives up on making an excuse, turns around, and breaks into a full sprint. Valerie gives chase, and Sina and Gardenia after her. Valerie chases the poor man deep into the woods, shouting at him, and the scene fades out as they all disappear from view.]

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @nerdyfangirl57!

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year to you sweetheart, from your Secret Santa!  So excited to see what you think of your gift and I really hope that, at the very least, it makes you smile over the holidays!  Love & Hugs! XXXXXX

Read on AO3

*****

Santa's Little Helper    

Turning the collars up on his purple military coat, Magnus was glad of the full-length barrier it would provide against the crisp night air outside, only wishing he’d brought his gloves too as he prepared to leave the warmth of the cinema foyer with his two small companions. Squatting down to tie Madzie’s scarf and adjust Max’s bobble hat, Magnus couldn’t resist dropping a kiss on their dimpled cheeks as he asked if they’d enjoyed the film.

Madzie nodded vigorously. ‘I want to eat marmalade sandwiches like just Paddington. Can we, Magnus? Please?’’

Max tugged on his arm in agreement, his eagerness pitching his young voice even higher than usual. ‘Yes! Yes! Me too, Papa!’

With a token huff, he nodded, ‘OK!’ Four surprisingly strong arms wrapped themselves around his legs in gratitude and Magnus hugged them back before grabbing their hands with a cheery, ‘Let’s go!’

Stepping out with a collective gasp into the early evening chill, the happy trio entertained themselves with festive songs as they made their way to the nearby Christmas fair, arms swinging in time to each tune. They were going to visit Madzie’s adopted mum, Catarina, who was manning the fundraising stall for the hospital where she worked, before heading home to the loft for an evening of cartoons and chaos.

Deciding to soothe their vocal chords with some hot chocolate as they went, Magnus stopped at the coffee shop on the corner, grabbing an extra one for his hard working friend before steering the children towards the busy plaza where throngs of busy shoppers were congregating in the hope of finding the perfect gifts. Magnus couldn’t help but feel the stirrings of excitement at the festive scene before him as they paused for a moment to appreciate it.

The lamp-lit square had been transformed into something akin to a Christmas card picture with only the snow missing from it. At the far end, a bandstand housed members of the local music college whose brass instruments were playing hymns and carols, as well as some crowd-pleasers for the hardy souls huddled together on the temporary seats that were dotted around, with vocal harmonies provided by schoolchildren who were being led by an enthusiastic teacher. On the remaining three sides of the large cobbled space stood rows of wooden cabins, each assigned to a local charitable cause, their gabled roofs adorned with holly and poinsettia, multicoloured lights framing the stable-door shutters thrown open in welcome so that potential buyers could see the wide variety of wares on offer. The scent of pine permeated the joyful atmosphere and mixed with the delicious smells of sweet and savoury treats, beckoning them to follow their noses to where all things cinnamon and spice were waiting. Taking pride of place at the centre of all this was a popular Santa’s Grotto that made the children squeal with delight as they bounced on their toes, begging to join the queue.

‘Papa, pleeeeeeeease!’ Max implored, big blue eyes the size of saucers melting Magnus’ heart like they always did, while Madzie’s impossibly wide smile had the same effect on his knees. How could any Papa or godfather resist?

‘Fine,’ he caved, as their combined shrieks split the air, ‘but first we have to deliver this fortifying brew to your poor mother before her joints seize up from being exposed to this wintry weather for the last few hours.’ Their disappointment was quickly replaced by grudging nods as they continued in haste.

With an excitable yelp, Madzie pointed to the middle stall directly opposite the band, and conveniently facing the grotto would you believe, sporting the hospital’s banner and began tugging him closer by his coat.

‘Patience, Sweetpea,’ he cautioned affectionately, knowing it would fall on deaf ears, instead concentrating on ensuring the hot beverage reached its intended recipient in one piece. Approaching the cozy looking shelter, well stocked with all manner of knitted goods, from Christmas stockings and scarves to tree decorations and cushion covers, Magnus chuckled to himself at how Cat’s hobby had certainly been put to good use. ‘For you, my dearest Catarina,’ he greeted her gallantly, receiving a blissful look of thanks before stepping back, allowing the youngsters to say hello and give her a detailed recount of the film they’d just seen.

Drinking his own chocolate as he swept a cursory gaze over the stalls on either side, Magnus paused mid-sip as his eyes landed on the incredibly hot vendor to the right of Cat, who was sitting down, engrossed in a heavy-duty cookery book, giving him the opportunity to take him all in. His grin was feral as he swallowed.

Wrapped up against the cool breeze in a black high-collared peacoat and fingerless gloves, his head was covered by a green and red striped hat any elf would be proud, the bell at its end actually jingling when he turned the pages and the words ‘Santa’s Little Helper’ emblazoned in red flashing lights across it. Oh, I do hope that’s not literal, Magnus thought, as he bit down on a giggle. Glancing briefly at his companions to check they were still oblivious to his diverted attention, he proceeded with his appraisal. The stranger’s eye colour couldn’t be determined beneath the long thick lashes that fanned his adorably rosy cheeks but he couldn’t wait to find out. They would be amazing, Magnus just knew it. The short, no-doubt-silky strands of black hair that could be seen poking out from under the funny headgear framed his features perfectly and his hands…. oh, those hands with the long, lean, capable fingers could probably consign him to a pleasurable death or deliver him unto heaven, he wouldn’t mind which. Could he get any better? Magnus wondered.

Then Santa’s Little Helper looked up.

And WOW! He’d been so right.

Luminous hazel eyes were unblinking as they slowly subjected Magnus to an equally intense eye-balling. Unconsciously squaring his shoulders, he returned the stare, confident he was worth looking at. A lopsided smile that fairly robbed him of breath was his reward.

Then Santa’s Little Helper spoke.

‘Can I tempt you with anything?’ came the deep sultry voice, leaving Magnus with an overwhelming urge to vault over the display of cookies and doughnuts and let his body answer in the affirmative.

But he didn’t, of course. Instead, he blurted, ‘That rather depends on what ‘anything’ is…’

Shit. Smooth, Bane. Real smooth.

With a rueful roll of his eyes, Magnus held up his hand in apology as he stepped nearer to make sure the children didn’t overhear. And maybe to get a closer look.

Trying, and failing, to ignore the blush that further coloured ‘Pretty Boy’s’ kissable cheeks, Magnus grinned, ‘Please excuse me, that was rude.’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ said the beautiful lips that had somehow pulled his focus, ‘You didn’t say no, right?’ And he winked!

Magnus couldn’t conceal his surprise. Well, well. This was clearly no angel he was talking to. Glossy lips puckered of their own accord. ‘I wouldn’t dream of saying no to you….?’

‘Alec,’ The Mouth replied, his toothy grin no less devastating than his lips.

‘I’m Magnus,’ he declared, extending a bejewelled hand which Alec took readily, and for much longer than was strictly necessary but he wasn’t complaining. Quite the contrary. He never wanted to let go. How odd.

Lost in a bubble (or should that be bauble?) of mutual admiration, they didn’t notice the impatient five year old who was desperate for their attention at first, only ‘coming to’ when Max stamped on Magnus’ foot, hard.

‘Ow!’ Reluctantly breaking contact, the only real pain Magnus felt was out of concern for the damage done to his Italian leather boots. ‘What was that for, blueberry?’ he demanded without a trace of heat, as he leant down to lift his unrepentant son onto his hip.

‘We want to know when we’re going home, Papa,’ Max asked, small palms playfully squishing his father’s cheeks, which only added to the embarrassment of having been caught in a ‘moment’ with a complete stranger. He gently lowered the hands.

‘Soon, Max. I was just wondering what we could be tempted to buy from Santa’s....’ Both Bane men turned in unison as Alec stood up off the stool, his hat nearly touching the roof. ‘...Not-So-Little Helper,’ Magnus finished breathily.

He did NOT gulp when Alec chuckled.

‘Maybe you could help Papa decide, Max?’ The Mouth wondered, eyes darting quickly to Magnus, as if aware how hearing him saying those names had triggered an almost primal reaction in his gut, which was ludicrous, but nonetheless true.

Max nodded solemnly, his restless hands, now fiddling with the epaulettes on Magnus’ coat, the only indication that he was a little nervous.

Alec folded his arms and leaned down on the counter to make himself appear less intimidating. ‘I made all these goodies to sell for my son’s school,’ there was that eye dart again, ‘and I kinda need your advice on what looks good enough to eat.’

Hell, Magnus thought as he wet his suddenly dry lips, this man wasn’t just less-than-angelic, he was the devil incarnate, teasing him like this. He let his heavy lidded eyes communicate his thoughts to Satan.

‘OK!’ his son agreed, eyes roving over the mouth-watering display of cakes and confectionaries that were decorated in sprinkles and icing of every description. It was lucky for him that he couldn’t see the way Papa’s eyes were devouring the man in front of him.

Or how Magnus was being mentally undressed by said man.

‘What goes with marmalade sandwiches?’ his innocent boy asked, chewing on his chubby lip in much the same way his father was, though for very different reasons.

Understanding dawned in those glorious hazel eyes. ‘Ah, someone’s seen Paddington, right?’ Max beamed his beautiful smile. ‘My boy, Rafe, isn’t much older than you and he loved that film too. We both did.’

‘It was funny!’ Max giggled, at ease now he’d found a fellow friend of his favourite bear.

‘It sure was,’ Alec agreed, as he tapped a finger to his chin in contemplation while pretending to think what choice would be the best to compliment the unusual sandwich. ‘How about the Gingerbread Man?’

‘Too crunchy.’

‘The Christmas Tree cupcakes?’

‘Too sweet.’

Alec glanced up through his lashes at Magnus, mirroring his amused grin. ‘Is your Papa as fussy as you, Max?’

Papa forgot to breathe, dreading what his son would say.

‘No, he just loves pretty things.’ Magnus exhaled. ‘Like you.’ Too soon.

Frozen in mortification, Magnus wished for the cobbles beneath his feet to swallow him whole…...but not before a last quick look at the handsome man who was….wait, was he laughing?

The colour of cranberry he may be, but the guy was definitely laughing, gaze averted as he bagged the silver stars made out of marzipan that Max had apparently finally settled on. Quickly depositing his mischievous kid on terra firma, Magnus handed over the money, struggling, and ultimately failing, to keep a straight face..

‘Is that true?’ Alec queried, amusement still evident in the smile he flashed his way.

Magnus composed himself long enough to return his gaze. ‘Yes, on both counts,’  he confirmed, for some reason unwilling to waste time with being coy.

Alec paused in the act of handing over Magnus’ change, his wide bashful smile crinkling those magnificent eyes, as Magnus gestured for him to keep the money.

Three separate coughs as subtle as sledgehammers broke the spell. A guilty glance toward the far too observant audience on his left, prompted Magnus to begin taking his leave. Well that, and the shit-eating grin on Cat’s face that told him he was in for a roasting later!

‘It was lovely to meet you, Alexander,’ he began, voice unusually raspy for some reason. ‘I wish you all the best with your fundraising efforts for Rafe’ school.’ He took a step back. ‘I’m sure he’s very proud of you.’

Although Alec gave a dubious shake of his head, his gratitude for the compliment shone through his smile, which Magnus couldn’t help but return.

Resolutely turning to take the hands of Max and Madzie, he gave Cat a pointed look that warned her not to say a word and with a saccharine sweet, ‘See you later, my dear,’ Magnus exited the festive square, not at all grappling with the idea of flinging himself at Alec’s feet, demanding he ask him out.

Walking briskly in the direction of the taxi rank, Magnus was busy trying to commit Alec’s gorgeous face to memory when Madzie reminded him that they’d forgotten to visit Santa’s Grotto. A quick look at his non-existent watch disguised an impish grin as he spun around, pulse skipping.

‘You know what, my darlings?’ he fairly sang, barely resisting the urge to break into a run as they began retracing their steps back to the Fair, ‘Christmas is but once a year and we ALL deserve the chance to get what we wish for! Am I right?’

The delighted squeals, he took for agreement.