#me when the most upbeat song in the world plays: does anyone else feel like crying

[sunmisbf]

this is literally a fucking classic to all the teen wolfers from back in the day😭

[iliveiloveiwrite]

I wonder what it’s like to be loved by you // Benedict Bridgerton

Summary: You’ve loved him for as long as you can remember. Is this the season where he finally realises?

A/N: I LOVE BENEDICT. I love him so much. What do I have to do to get a Benedict? Title is from Shawn Mendes - Wonder. I had so much fun writing this fic, I can’t wait to write more for the Bridgerton fandom! I truly hope you all like it, let me know what you think please?

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x Fem!Reader

Warnings: swearing, mentions of food and drink, fluff, pining, mutual pining, dancing, balls, obliviousness, friends to lovers, she/her pronouns, a lot of history - I am a historian after all and this is the regency era.

Word count: 4.8k

Lady Danbury never spared any expense on the balls she held every season. She knew full well that many a match could be made that night so there was not only pressure from the ton, but also a responsibility that this ball must outdo all others thrown before – by herself and other matriarchs in society.

A feat she always managed to achieve, the elder thinks to herself as she watches your eyes widen upon entering the ornately decorated room. Looking you up and down, she approves of your outfit – a dark blue dress punctuated with silver jewellery, hair twisted into an updo with only a few strands hanging loose to frame your face. From her spot across the ballroom, Lady Danbury wonders how you hadn’t married yet.

As the band strikes up, Lady Danbury walks into the fray, greeting her guests with a smile. All the while, she keeps a trained eye on you, wondering who on earth had captured your heart but had not noticed.

-------------

No matter how hard he tried, the charcoal would not wash from his fingers. Having scrubbed and scrubbed at his hands, Benedict could only offer you a smile of apology as you not only noted his lateness but the state of his hands.

“It’s very fortunate that you are a talented artist,” You comment with a teasing smile.

Benedict reaches for your hand, dropping a kiss to the back of it before answering. “I class myself as very fortunate to have a friend like you who understands how easy it is to get lost in a sketch or a painting.”

You roll your eyes, careful not to let anyone else but Benedict see your act of impropriety. He smirks, unable to help himself.

“You’re a shameful flatterer, Benedict.”

“Some might even call me a ‘rake’,” He replies, his tone teasing.

“I shall save that for when you’ve really annoyed me.”

He laughs; a loud chuckle that draws the attention of those closest to you. Most notably, Benedict’s mother, Violet Bridgerton and Lady Danbury.

Benedict clears his throat; cheeks flushed not only from the attention but from the knowledge that his mother would soon be making her way over to him. He adored his mother; was grateful for her every day, but he could happily admit he could live without the meddling in his love life. He grabs your gloved hand once more; kissing the back of it in parting before asking, “Save me a dance on your card?”

“Always,” You answer, watching his back as he stalks away. Benedict narrowly avoids being collared by his mother, an act to which you find yourself smiling at.

With thoughts of Benedict in mind, you wander around the outskirts of the ballroom, your dark blue skirts swishing pleasantly under foot. You pause only to grab a lemonade from the table, sipping happily at the cold drink.

You catch sight of the brunette that had stolen your heart dancing with Penelope Featherington and though you know there is no romance there, your heart is unable to stop the hurt that lashes through it. Schooling your face into a mask of polite delight, you force yourself to turn away from the sight of the man you had so readily given your heart to dancing with someone else.

“How long have you been in love with my brother?” A raspy voice asks from behind you.

Your lemonade splashes slightly as you turn to face your interrogator. “Eloise!” You laugh, smiling too wide to be comfortable, “Whatever do you mean?”

Eloise’s shrewd blue eyes narrow slightly as she takes in your dismissal. She waves her hand in the general direction of Benedict though you knew exactly where he was – could feel his location thrumming in your veins.

“Don’t play coy, (Y/N). It doesn’t become you. Now, how long have you been in love with Benedict?”

That was the question, wasn’t it? How long had you loved Benedict? Thinking back on it, you’re sure that you’ve always loved him. Your family had been good friends with the Bridgerton family for as long as you could remember. Your mother was always having tea with Violet and you were always thrust upon the eight siblings without much worry. Your friendship with Benedict had started in earnest when you had complimented his art skills, bringing up how you liked to draw too. From there, a close friendship was forged.

By your twentieth year on this earth, you realised that your feelings for the second Bridgerton were no longer platonic… that you craved something more. Falling for Benedict Bridgerton felt inevitable almost; that your heart was destined to be his whether he knew it or not.

Sighing heavily, you see no point in lying to the second eldest Bridgerton girl. “For as long as I can remember,” You admit, rushing to add on, “But he doesn’t know so please don’t tell him!”

Eloise’s eyes widen at your confession, not only shocked that you readily admitted your feelings for her elder brother, but for how long you have harboured them. “Is that why you have not yet married?” She demands, “Because you loved him?”

Biting your lip, you nod. “It wouldn’t be fair to my husband. Their wife in love with another man – it doesn’t exactly set stable foundations for a long, prosperous marriage and…”

“And…” Eloise prompts, her innate curiosity getting the better of her. If her mother could hear her now, she would surely receive a scolding.

You ball your hands into fists before letting them drop to your sides; letting them hang there like the constant hope you have for Benedict.

“And I still hope he’ll notice I’m here. That I have been here all along,” You voice cracks on the admission causing a pang of upset to flash through Eloise. She’d reach out to comfort you, but it would only draw attention from the many mothers circling and no doubt, Lady Whistledown.

“(Y/N)…” Eloise begins but you hold a single hand up to stop her before she starts. With a strained smile, you reassure her. “It’s fine, Eloise. I accept it with every season that passes that it is unlikely he shall ever return my feelings.”

“Then he is a fool,” Eloise states plaining, sending a glare in the direction of her beloved brother. She had no qualms admitting that Benedict was indeed her favourite sibling, but he had his moments where he vexed her beyond belief.

“Who is a fool?” A voice questions to the right of you. Benedict.

Freezing in place, you cast a helpless look at Eloise, begging her silently to take control of this situation. Eloise smiles and nods imperceptibly. She turns towards her brother, hooking her arm through yours as she declares, “The men that have not offered their hand to (Y/N) yet. They’re all fools, aren’t they dear brother.”

Benedict casts his gaze towards you; his eyes scanning your face for what, he does not know. “Fools,” He agrees quietly though he is heard perfectly over the music. “Would you care to dance?” He asks, wanting you to himself for a little while. As much as he loved his younger sister, she was a keen observer, and he wasn’t ready for her to figure out his feelings just yet. Not when he hadn’t admitted them to you.

Nodding your head, you take his outstretched hand, bidding goodbye to Eloise for now. The brunette shakes her head as the both of you walk away. Oblivious, she thinks to herself, completely oblivious.

As the music strikes up once more, it becomes obvious that the next dance is a waltz, requiring the closeness of your partner. It was only years ago that this dance had scandalised the ton for its closeness – now, it was required at every ball, many married couples savouring the intimacy.

Benedict’s hand settles on the small of your back as his other grips your hand. Your hand rests comfortably on his shoulder as he begins to lead you through the steps you have known since your youth.

Music around you fades as do the other couples. The only two people in the room are Benedict and yourself. The feel of his hand on your back and the look in his eyes; it’s enough to have you accept your fate then and there. It’s enough for you to admit that you have been ruined for any and all men; finding yourself in love with the man who holds you so tenderly and has always held you in high regard. Is this it? You ask yourself, is this what it feels like to be loved by him? To feel like the only one in the world. If it is, you’ll take it with open hands.

Your eyes do not leave his as Benedict leads you through the rises and falls of the dance. His hand remains a steady presence on your lower back; the feeling just enough to distract you from the crowd now watching you and instead, leading you to wonder what his hands would feel like elsewhere on your body.

As the music falls into another song; this one more upbeat, Benedict drops his hands, letting you free. He hadn’t wanted to; had wanted to pull you from the ballroom, to confess the feelings that have haunted him for years and to ask you to be his for better or for worse.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he bows and smiles, reaches for your hand to kiss it and then lets himself breathe as he turns and walks away.

-------------

Dear Reader,

Though there is much to report from Lady Danbury’s ball last night – the fashion, the food, the décor – This Author wants to focus on one moment in particular.

Now, Dear Reader, whilst you may wonder the importance of such a moment, remember that it is one’s job to observe all. That is why I want to bring attention to Mr. Benedict Bridgerton who found himself extremely popular last night, dancing with many eligible women and delighting them with his talents.

However, Dear Reader, this is not the moment I want to focus on.

No. Instead, I want to bring attention to the heart most likely suffering in silence as Mr. Bridgerton continues to charm the ton.

As you all know, I am not one to beat around the proverbial bush and hide identities, but for the sake of the woman who has found herself in love with the second eldest Bridgerton for as long she can remember, I shall endeavour to keep her name a secret.

Know, however, that This Author’s sympathies lie with you.

To love another unrequitedly is a dear shame.

----------

The gossip sheet is scrunched to a ball in your hands. It’s all you can do to keep the tears from falling down your face. As if you didn’t know your love was unrequited; as if you didn’t know you had all but doomed yourself to being a spinster as you wait for a man who did not know you loved him.

Lady Whistledown knew your secret, and your identity. As a result, the whole ton knew your secret but whatever morals the author possesses, she had not revealed your identity.

Summoning the carriage, you ask to be taken to Bridgerton House where you can speak to Eloise in confidence and ask for her advice on what she might do. Deep down, you had to know whether Benedict had read the paper too.

It doesn’t take long for Eloise to find you in the tea room; a cup of tea in your hands but readily ignored as you chew on the inside of your cheek. Her brown hair tied up in her usual bun, her eyes hold the pity you didn’t want to see or hear as of this moment.

“I didn’t know she was listening, I swear,” Eloise promises, sitting by your side and reaching for your hand.

“I know,” You comfort, “You would never tell a soul.”

“At least she didn’t reveal your identity,” Eloise chirps, trying to find a silver lining.

“Yet she has revealed my secret to the entirety of London society,” You sigh. Removing your hand from Eloise’s, you press your palm to your forehead, feeling overwhelmingly tired and desperate for the day to be over already. “Does he know?”

Eloise chews on her bottom lip, deciding whether to answer you. “He has read it,” She admits,  but rushes to add, “He doesn’t know it’s you! He doesn’t have a clue really. He’s angrier at himself for not noticing anything was amiss.”

“I don’t know what to do,” You whisper, feeling helpless.

“For now,” Eloise states, “We do nothing.”

---------

Your heels sink into the soft carpet as you wander down the stairs, pausing only to check you have everything. Your mind remains elsewhere as you check your bag out of habit, the conversation with Eloise, the latest gossip sheet, your feelings for Benedict. They circle around your mind, leaving you dizzy in their wake as you try to make sense of them all, try to find your next step in and amongst the mess.

“(Y/N),” Benedict greets, hurrying down the final few stairs, pleasantly surprised, “What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were visiting.”

“I came to drop in on Eloise. I wanted to thank her for last night; she was an ear when I needed someone to listen.”

“Is it anything I can help with?” He asks, voice taking on a concerned note as he reaches out for you.

You shake your head, squeezing his hand in return. “For now, everything is okay.”

Benedict clears his throat. “I’m glad to hear it, but please come to me next time. I want to help if I can.”

“I will,” You promise, your eyes now scanning over his fine clothes. “Where are you off to?”

“An art exhibition at Somerset House. They’re showing some Holbein’s from the Royal collection.”

“Holbein’s?” You ask, shocked at the name falling from Benedict’s mouth.

He nods, just as excited. It was a rare thing indeed to have Holbein’s on display; they were usually kept in whatever royal residence they found themselves in; hidden away from the public eye. Art was the very foundation of your friendship; having seen so many of his sketches as a young boy and watching them develop into surer lines and confident strokes. Benedict was an exceptionally talented artist – something he would say about yourself. Benedict was the only person to see such work; the watercolours in your sketchpad leaving him breathless as you bring life to the inanimate.

“Would you like to join me?” He asks before he can talk himself out of it. He had barely seen you all season; you had closed in yourself, as if accepting a fate that you did not want. Benedict would do what he could to ensure your happiness for a little bit longer.

“Unchaperoned?”

A faint blush rises on Benedict’s cheeks as he realises what he has asked of you. “I shall ask Eloise to accompany us,” He suggests, turning to face the direction in which you had just come, “Did she mention any plans to you?”

You shake your head to which Benedict leases a sigh of relief. “I’ll go ask her now. I’m sure she won’t mind… much.”

Laughing quietly, you wait patiently in the entryway of Bridgerton House. The house in London so often felt like a second home to you; spending so much of childhood summers here when your mother would take tea with the Bridgerton matriarch. As you grew into your teens, you would begin to visit the house with just your maid, calling on the family for social niceties. The friendship with Benedict and Eloise only solidified your standing in the close family unit.

Eloise’s voice brings you back to the present. She walks down the stairs, accompanied by her brother. Taking one look at you, waiting patiently for the both of them, Eloise gets a mischievous look in her eye. It isn’t a look that leaves you in comfort, but rather leaves you wondering just what she has planned for the art exhibition.  

“Eloise has so graciously accepted to join us,” Benedict announces, sounding rather pleased with himself.

Eloise smiles: a smile that sets Benedict’s nerves on edge. He would owe her for this, that much he knew. “I would be more than happy to accompany you, brother.”

Benedict resists the urge to groan; he’s in deep shit for this.

“Thank you, Eloise,” You murmur with a smile. Something in Eloise softens at your tone as if she would be unable to deny you this time with Benedict when it was their mother’s mission to see him married off this very season.

“Of course,” Eloise allows, glancing between you and Benedict – noting the longing in both sets of eyes. She shakes her head, gesturing to the door and where the carriages waits just beyond it. “Shall we?”

--------

“He wasn’t a handsome monarch, was he?” Eloise murmurs quietly, staring up at the grand portrait of the fearsome king who preferred executing his wives rather than loving them.

The walls of Somerset House have become dedicated to the eyes of the past. Past monarchs and relatives decorate the walls; their eyes following each attendant, as if curious to see how society is progressing less than three hundred years after the death of the artist.

Benedict chuckles; the very sound raising goosebumps across your skin. You barely repress the shiver the sound elicits. Trying your best to listen as the siblings argue about the reign of this particular monarch – the pros and the cons to what he did for the very country he ruled over for decades.

“Oh!” Eloise gasps, interrupting the argument and loosening her grip on your arm, she waves frantically at Penelope Featherington. “Would you mind terribly if I go say hello?”

“Not at all,” You laugh.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay with Benedict?”

The man in question scoffs, rolling his eyes at his little sister. “Off with you,” He dismisses, “I’ll escort (Y/N) – someone who actually appreciates the art.”

Eloise laughs as she turns away, but you do not miss the wink she sends in your direction. It hits you all at once; her mischievous look before you all left the house. She had concocted this plan in her head; accepting to accompany you as a rouse to get you and Benedict alone.

You didn’t know whether to appreciate her genius or hide her favourite book.

Jumping at the sound of someone clearing their throat, you focus your attention on Benedict. He watches you with an amused look, and it’s then that you realise that he has stood beside you waiting with his arm out for a minute or so whilst you glared after his younger sister. Taking his arm, you rid yourself of any thoughts of violence against Eloise. Instead, focusing on the man beside you.

“How are you?” You ask, hand resting gently on Benedict’s forearm.

“Do you mean in general or after today’s publication?”

“Both, I suppose.”

“In general, I am quite well. I have a wonderful lady on my arm, and I am in the presence of excellent art work. However, after today’s publication, I must admit I am rather angry.”

“Oh?” You sound, trying hard not to let his words affect you so much but they rattle around your mind on repeat, committing themselves where they will last for an eternity.

“I’ve never been the focus of the gossip paper and now after one ball, I am. I don’t think I like the attention.”

“I don’t believe that for one second, Benedict Bridgerton.”

He pauses, smiling widely down at you. His eyes light up with the smile and your heart begins to pound at the sight of it. “Alright, I do like the attention,” He concedes, “But what I don’t like are the looks I’m getting from all mothers.”

“Why?”

“They all look like I’m about to break their daughter’s heart.”

“I’m sure you’re just imagining things,” You reassure, tightening your grip on his arm.

“I don’t think I am,” He states, nodding politely at Lady Whitelaw who in turn glares at the younger man. He turns his gaze to you as if to say, see?

You turn your face away from him, trying your best to hide the smile and laugh that threatens to break free. “You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?” Benedict guesses, a smile in his own voice.

“I’m not,” You promise, schooling your face into a mask of indifference, focusing on the closest sketch to you. A graphite sketch of Anne Boleyn; marking her beauty only years before her death.

“You are,” Benedict argues, standing beside you, admiring the same sketch. Throwing him a knowing smile, you turn your attentions to rest of the exhibition, unable to hide your awe at just what is being shown to the public.

The art is incredible; your watercolours barely compare to what is being shown in Somerset House. He would disagree in a heartbeat, but Benedict could come close to producing something of this calibre. He had shown his portraits of his mother and brothers; Anthony making the perfect candidate for a painting.

You come to a natural stop in front of a portrait of a young women. A young queen, in fact. This particular queen had never got to reign in the manner that she was capable, dying after giving birth the king’s heir. His one true love, the king had called her after he death.

“She’s beautiful,” You whisper, admiring not only the artistry but also the focus on the painting.

Benedict watches you admiring the portrait painted so carefully by Holbein. Though the portrait is indeed beautiful, Benedict finds himself agreeing that they do not hold a candle to you. As he watches you lift a single hand, trying to dampen the urge to run your fingers over the brush strokes, he thinks to himself that there would be no artist on this earth that would be so talented to capture your beauty.

His breath comes faster; his heart rate increases. He recognises the symptoms; he’s only experienced such signs before. He had been eighteen then; barely a man but man enough to accept that he had fallen in love with his best friend. Years later, here he was, experiencing such feelings once more. Once more, he wonders what it would be like to be loved by you. He cannot help but hope that the mystery woman in the society papers is you.

-------

Dear Reader,

It seems that Mr. Benedict Bridgerton reads my paper!

He was overheard at the Somerset House Holbein exhibition, complaining to Miss (Y/N) (Y/L/N) about my last column in which I criticised his treatment of the lady in love with him.

All I have to say on the matter is this:

Mr. Bridgerton, for every complaint you offer, you break her heart further. Stop now before you do irreparable damage.

-----

“What does she mean ‘break her heart further’? I’ve been trying to figure out who it is so I can put a stop to it!”

“It doesn’t matter whether you know who it is, Benedict,” You argue, placing your teacup on the table, “But rather the fact that you unknowingly hurt whoever it is that is in love with you.”

“Do my feelings not matter?” He demands, throwing the damned paper onto the table. Benedict runs a hand through his hair, sighing in frustration. “I’m sorry,” He apologises, “I should not have taken that tone with you. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“You’re forgiven,” You laugh, “I’ve heard you say a lot worse.”

He smiles though it doesn’t reach his eyes. Leaning forward on your chair, you wring your hands together, working up the nerve. “What feelings haven’t they taken into account?”

“Lady Whistledown,” He spits the name with derision, “Hasn’t taken into account that I may not have noticed someone in love with me because I am in love with someone myself.”

It’s as if the chair is pulled out from under you; your stomach dips and flips as the world crashes around you and Benedict is none the wiser. He’s none the wiser to the palpable shift that has taken place. Instead, he’s sat down across from, looking utterly defeated.

“Does she know?” You ask after a moment of silence, using the time to pull yourself back together, to compile it all and put it away for later.

Benedict shakes his head; eyes sad as he watches you. “Why haven’t you told her?” You ask, unable to stop the questions now they’re on the tip of your tongue.

“I suppose for the same reason she hasn’t told me. Fear maybe?”

“Fear of what? I’ve never known you to be afraid of anything.”

“Fear of rejection. Fear of humiliation. Fear of ruining a friendship,” He lists off, counting the reasons on his fingers, holding them up for you to see.

“Have you thought about telling her?”

“All the time,” He answers honestly, and you wonder whether the crack your heart makes was audible to the whole of the ton.

“Do you plan on telling them?”

“Eventually.”

You take a deep breath, staring at the teacup instead of him, readying yourself to offer up your broken heart. To confess that the two most recent society papers have been about you; have shown your heart to the whole of London.

“It’s me,” You confess quietly, voice no louder than a whisper but he hears you all the same.

Benedict’s head whips towards you. Had this been another situation, it would have been funny, but the look on his face… “What?” He whispers, shocked.

“It’s me,” You announce; louder this time, ready to lay your heart out on the floor for him to break entirely. “It’s me, Benedict. Lady Whistledown must have overheard Eloise and myself talking at Lady Danbury’s ball the other night. She had caught me watching you dance and asked me outright. I couldn’t deny it. I’ve been in love with you for years, Benedict. For as long as I can remember.”

“For as long as you can remember?”

You nod, wringing your hands together once more. “I didn’t realise until I turned twenty, just what my feelings meant. I think I’ve always been in love with you, Benedict.”

Benedict remains silent; eyes wide, hands slack as they rest on his thighs. He looks like he doesn't believe the very words leaving your mouth; as if he is unworthy of the love you offer him so willingly. 

“Say something, please,” You plead, “I know it isn’t proper for the woman to announce her feelings for the man, but I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. Not when it is the focus for Lady Whistledown to sell more copies of her paper.”

“I didn’t know,” He whispers after a prolonged silence.

“You weren’t to know. You don’t have to feel the same, Benedict.”

“I do as it happens.”

“What?”

“I do feel the same,” Benedict clarifies, standing from his chair, “I’ve loved you since I was eighteen.”

You sniffle slightly; emotional from hearing the words you have longed to hear for years. The words that have haunted your dreams; had you rushing from sleep, so you didn’t let yourself believe an alternate reality.

“You do?”

Benedict nods, “I do. I love you very much.”

“I love you too,” You reply, standing from your chair, reaching for him – not wanting anymore space between the two of you.

He dips his head, pausing mere millimetres away from your lips. The question burns in his eyes; desperate to know whether he can kiss you after so long waiting. Your nod is barely imperceptible but it’s nod, nonetheless.

Slowly, almost wanting to savour every moment, Benedict presses his lips to yours. Reaching up, you haul him closer, wanting to feel every inch of him pressed against you after having waited so long, after having dreamed of this moment for too long.

He tastes like tea and his hands bring to life the butterflies in your stomach as they wander the path of your back, settling on your lower back, dipping you slightly. Benedict groans softly at the feel of you lined up against him. If he had known heaven was this close, he would not have waited this long.

Benedict breaks the kiss; not out of need of air, but to stop himself from taking this too far when you feel like heaven pressed against him. You smile widely, kissing his jaw lovingly before starting to laugh lightly. Benedict’s hands on your waist tighten possessively as he joins you in laughter.

Briefly, he wonders whether this is what it feels like to be loved by you.

********

Bridgerton Taglist: @heloisedaphnebrightmore​ @dreaming-about-fanfictions​ @now-its-time-for-a-breakdown​

[fandomlit]

proximity concert (corpse husband x reader)

requested by @greenie-of-shield “reader is friends with like James Charles and is really good at guitar or ukulele and singing and one day they are all streaming together and like they hear reader playing in the background of someone’s mic and ask who it it’s like James is like “ooh yeah this is my friend (y/n)” they all say hi and corpse compliments her voice and like they ask her to play among us with them and when she dies in among us she plays music for her stream or her friends in proximity chat and stuff. She and corpse get close cause of music and it spirals into like a friends to lovers or something”

summary you’re hanging in the background as your dear friend james charles records an among us video with some youtuber friends (pewdiepie and his usual gang). you decide to entertain james with some ukulele and singing, and end up gaining the welcome attention of youtube’s beloved horror narrator.

warning swearing, sexual reference

gif cred belongs to @datchidatchi​

“let’s go!” james cheered when his screen displayed a bright blue crewmate label. you cheered behind him, your voice distant and the sight of you blurry on his camera as you raised your ukulele to cheer with him. he laughed. “oh wait, im not supposed to be muted, we’re using proximity..” you laughed as he unmuted himself and went to do his tasks.

james groaned as he began to download in weapons, slumping against his desk. “this is the most boring task for no reason,” he complained. then he turned to you suddenly and you gave him a surprised look. “y/n, queen, can you sing me a song to pass time?”

you laughed but nodded at your best friend, beginning to strum your ukulele into an upbeat tune. james cheered at the familiar tune. before you could sing the first line out, he waved you over. you paused your strumming to question, “what?”

“come to the mic!” he exclaimed. “let the people hear your beautiful voice!”

you laughed again and went over to his mic. “hi,” you spoke closely into his mic, looking into his camera. he laughed as you leaned back and began to strum the tune again. “sittin’ all alone, mouth full of gum in the driveway..”

james was too busy dancing and you were too busy singing to notice his download had finished and many people had come and go through weapons during the entire scene.

“my friends aren’t far, in the back of my car lay their bodies,” you sang smoothly. “where’s my mind? where’s my mind?” you grinned. “they’ll be there pretty soon, lookin’ through my room-” you cut yourself off as an emergency meeting was called. you clapped a hand over your mouth and pressed a quick kiss to james’s cheek before sneaking back into the background.

james gaped at the perfect lipstick mark you had left on his cheek as toast spoke, “okay, does anyone else hear the ukulele playing or am i going crazy?”

“i was actually just about to ask about that,” corpse spoke. james’s camera zoomed in on your shocked face at his voice.

‘is that corpse?’ you mouthed. james nodded, leaning to mute himself.

“crazy, right?” he laughed. you nodded frantically as he turned back to the game.

“so who is it..?”

“it’s me, guys, sorry,” james spoke. “well, not me, but it’s coming from my room.”

“.. what?”

“my friend y/n is here entertaining me,” james laughed as he explained. “but im honored you’d think my voice is as angelic as hers.”

“i will kiss you!” you exclaimed, loud enough that the mic could pick up your voice. they all burst into laughter.

“sorry,” james said again.

“no, it’s okay, i was just making sure people were doing their tasks,” toast chuckled. “cause i don’t think you can play the ukulele and among us at the same time..”

“not as good as y/n did, anyway,” corpse backed up.

“yeah.”

“your voice is very pretty,” corpse complimented. you placed a hand to your heart as james grinned at you teasingly.

“thank you!” you called over. they laughed simply at the distance and abruptness of your voice. “i think your voice is pretty, too! just like the deep part.” james burst into hysterical laughter.

“thank you,” corpse chuckled. “we, uh, we can skip now.”

“you made him flustered,” james said, turning to you after everyone had dispersed to finish their tasks.

“here, wait, find him,” you spoke, scooting your chair up next to james’s mic. 

“you got it, sis.”

james found corpse alone in electrical. corpse turned away from his task to stare down james. “are you here to kill me?”

“no,” james laughed.

“we’re here to sing!” you spoke into the mic.

“oh, great,” corpse chuckled.

“any requests?” you asked, picking at your strings to make sure they were tuned.

“uh.. something with cuss words.”

james let out a loud laugh as you giggled. “okay, i can do that.” you thought for a moment before looking down to your strings, “fuck you, and you, and you. i hate your friends and they hate me, too. im through, im through, im through. this that hot girl bummer anthem turn it up and throw a tantrum.

“this that got girl bummer anthem turn it up and throw a tantrum, this that throw up in your birkin bag, hook up with someone random. this that social awkward suicide that-” a body was reported and you cut yourself off again as corpse groaned.

“guys, i was getting a concert,” corpse complained as you and james laughed.

“okay, well, sykkuno is dead, so i think that trumps your concert,” pj sassed.

“where was his body?”

..

after that round, and much more entertainment of your uke playing, the crewmates managed to beat out the imposters; toast and felix.

“y/n, you should join,” corpse spoke as you all loaded back into the lobby.

“yeah!” rae agreed, many others piping up to encourage you in.

“shit, i don’t know where my laptop is,” you laughed.

“go find it!” james exclaimed. “corpse wants you to play!”

“oh my god, hold up,” you said, handing james your uke and running out of the room.

“so, corpse,” james spoke, strumming your uke as best as he could with his long nails. “what are your intentions with my girl, y/n?” everyone burst into laughter, including the now red-faced faceless youtuber.

..

you were the first to die. gasped at your screen, you grabbed your ukulele. you had gone into a separate room from james to be able to play fairly, but you weren’t very good at the game in the first place.

“james!” you yelled out.

“yeah?”

“request?”

there was a pause. “something sad!”

“got it!” you sighed as you turned back to your laptop screen, considering. you had begun streaming to your youtube when they asked you to join, and now your chat was blowing up with sad song requests. “oh, that’s a good one. thanks..” you let out a laugh. “corpselover3340. i got you, hun.”

you started to strum the song, but as you were playing, corpse’s ghost appeared by yours. “hello, y/n.” you stopped your playing, sitting up straight.

“oh, hi, corpse!” you exclaimed. “request?”

“cuss words, please.”

you laughed. “i got you, i got you..” you considered before beginning to play, “a few weeks ago, i could only do ten pushups. six months ago, i thought you were my girl. but now things have changed, and im so tired. i thought that i was your world. but now you’ve got new friends, and you have all beginnings, well i’ve got ends.. that i didn’t want.

“and yeah, you fucked some other dude.. i guess he loves u more than i do.”

“there it is.”

“what?” you asked, looking up from your uke with a laugh.

“oh, i was just waiting for the cuss word. continue.” 

you let out a laugh, but just before you could start playing again, a dead body was reported.

“sean’s body was electrical..”

..

the round was long. after you serenaded corpse a few times, you both talked about music and how you both got into it. eventually, it was just james, felix, rae, and sykkuno left.

“well, there’s only one imposter left..,” sykkuno sighed after calling the meeting. 

“i think it’s felix.”

as they all started pointing fingers at each other, james was mostly quiet, to your absolute surprise. then, interrupting a yelling match between rae and felix, james spoke, “do you think y/n and corpse are fucking in ghost chat?”

before anyone could react, corpse unmuted himself to confirm, “yes.” everyone exploded into laughter, you included. as innocently as he could, corpse spoke, “oh, was i unmuted? my bad..” and he muted himself again.

after that round and everyone had gotten their aggressions out on each other, sean reminded everyone with a laugh, “fucking in the ghost chat.. i can’t.”

you all laughed at the reminder.

“oh, y/n, we should go,” james sighed. “we gotta get that video edited before midnight.”

you sighed with him. “yeah, that’s gotta get done.. thank you all for letting me play, it was a lot of fun.”

“bye, y/n!”

“feel free to join again!”

“oh and corpse,” you called out.

“yeah?”

“that was not fucking,” you clarified, making everyone laugh and ‘ohhh’. 

“no?” he prodded.

“nah, that purely foreplay, baby,” you confirmed. “see you all!” and you left the call just as they all exploded again.

james walked into the room you were in before you turned off your live. he placed his hands on his hips. “young lady, we need to have a talk.” you laughed and turned off signed off.

[agustdef]

That Couple

Pairing: Yugyeom x Reader

Genre: Fluff

Word Count: 1.9k

Warning: Mildly suggestive behavior. 

Rating: PG-13

My Lovely Beta: @hobeemin​

A/N: This is going to turn into a oneshot series. So... look out for that. LOL

“If you make me run through this again, we’re going to have a problem,” YN said right as Ariana Grande’s Positions began to play through the speakers.

The dancers behind her all nodded, but it was in the way they began dancing to the song that told her that they truly heard her. Every move was what it should have been with everyone’s own flair. They all moved where they should when they should and didn’t lose energy at any point as they performed. At a certain point, she stopped focusing on them and focused on herself as she danced with them.

Watching yourself through a mirror was a weird out of body experience, but over the years YN had gotten used to it and managed not to focus too much on her face as she watched. The mask that she wore also helped her out a great deal with the temptation that arose sometimes. Plus, she wanted to see if she herself was on par with what she expected from the others.

All that focus made the song pass quickly and then brought on the collapse of everyone, except her, onto the floor.

“And to think if you’d just done that six run throughs ago you’d already be off living your lives,” YN joked.

That earned some groans and curses from the girls, but they knew she was right. She’d only wanted about two hours to run through their performance for an upcoming concert and they’d done well until they got to Positions which was why she’d had them go over it more times than anything else. 

They probably hated her a little, but she wanted to ensure they were prepared. A K-Pop group’s first concert was one to remember for everyone and could change how people saw them if they gave great performances or phoned it in. And having worked with many groups that ended up disbanding or not reaching the heights they could always made YN work harder to ensure the next group or artist did as well as they could. 

And she thought that the girls she was working with were capable of greatness. Even as they crawled across the floor to grab their towels and water bottles.

YN smiled. “We’re done for the day, but I want y’all to do another run through before the day is over and twice tomorrow. Don’t repeat things, just go through the whole setlist to ensure that you have it. I know a lot of this is new choreography, so it takes a bit to sink in. But you’re doing really well.”

That seemed to give them a bit more energy and after a few more minutes of pulling it together, they packed up their things and left with promises to do as they were told. And with them and their managers gone it left YN on her own in the studio.

She didn’t mind it much and was happy to get some time to herself before she had other things to do. Especially since it had been so long since she’d had a moment to dance because she wanted to be silly for over a month. Work was a lot and she either created for someone else, taught, or danced in the background for something. By no means did she see that as a bad thing, because three years prior twenty-six-year-old Lisa struggled to keep consistent work, but it was all so tiring. By the end of most days, she ended up in bed or wanting to do anything but dance.

So, with her little window of time, she decided that was the time. YN redid the ponytail because she’d sweated and her hair got bigger, downed some water, and reapplied lotion to her elbows. The things were a darker brown than the rest of her from how often she hit them or did a move that had her pressing them into the floor. It was annoying, but not the end of the world.

Once ready she put her playlist on shuffle, turned the volume up, and got to it.

The first few songs were slower, which meant she had to adapt from all the more intense moves she’d done earlier. She was intentional and fluid with her moves, finding herself wrapped up in the music and truly just vibing. So, into it and watching herself that she ended up ripping off her mask and throwing it to the side, not even bothered by the sudden view of her full face.

However, despite the way those songs made her feel it wasn’t enough. YN needed more. She needed something that hit hard or something that allowed her to be a bit freer with what she was doing, so she stopped dancing and switched playlists to something that lacked the slower tempo songs. And the first song out of the gate rewarded her.

Ciara’s Goodies played and she danced the routine she’d learned as a kid for competitions. It was the first one she’d been allowed to choreograph herself and it had gotten her a high mark. Plus, it was just fun to fall back into something she knew so very well and thought was funny as hell.

From there it was more upbeat songs that she’d performed in the past or didn’t have a routine at all. It was just her moving however she wanted and she lived for it. 

About five songs into her second playlist the door to the room opened and she almost stopped until she noticed that it was just Monster Woo and his crew of dancers plus a few friends. She simply nodded at him and continued what she was doing. None of them interrupted her, in fact, they shouted greetings and cheered her on as she went.

Until Megan Thee Stallion’s Circles came on and then as if they’d practiced for that moment two of them - friends of hers - joined in to perform the dance they’d worked on the week the song had been dropped. It wasn’t something they taught or performed ever, just something that they did for fun.

YN was so into it and having so much fun that she didn’t notice more people enter the room, let alone who was amongst those people.

And she continued to not notice as the song ended because as each new one came on there was a different set of people joining her to dance along to them. Until Bruno Mar and Anderson .Paak’s Leave The Door Open came on and then they left her there. She hadn’t met with any of them to dance to it and though they seemed to move off to the side to do something they had they left her front and center.

The song had been her love for two weeks and though her first dance moves alongside it had been a slow dance with her boyfriend, they both came up with something for it together later so that’s what she went with but solo.

Sensual and smooth was what the song was, so she matched that and found an easy groove in it. She was so into it that she barely looked into the mirror and almost missed the approach of someone behind her. However, she saw a hat fly and her gaze met theirs in the mirror.

He saw her the moment she noticed him and smiled, something she returned despite her still dancing along. Not that he left her alone for long, just as the last line of the pre-chorus hit his arms were wrapped around her waist and he helped her spin to face him. 

Though YN felt a flutter in her stomach as she looked up at him and wanted to stay there for a while longer she didn’t. They moved into the next moves with ease and danced what they’d come up with in perfect harmony. Albeit while probably being a little too intimate with the moves.

Not that anyone complained.

“Get it Yugyeom!”

“Yes, YN! Yes.”

And other encouragements were yelled out as they danced and even after they finished. 

YN was used to them being like that when she did anything remotely sexy, especially when Monster Woo was in the area. The man enjoyed trying to make her blush and had succeeded a few times, though only usually when Yugyeom was present and dancing with her.

And that time was no different. The final position was similar to the move that Yugyeom had joined her with, but their faces were much closer. And since she could feel his breath on her face and could see the way he smiled at her she couldn’t help the way her cheeks burned. Though that kind of went out of the window once Yugyeom leaned down and kissed her lips. YN returned it with enthusiasm and only pulled away when she grew tired of the gagging noises.

After they were apart they moved to the side to let the others continue dancing to whatever played. Yugyeom laced their fingers together and didn’t let go even when they’d found a place to stand.

“I thought you would have been gone before we got here,” he said.

She shook her head. “No. Something got moved and so I don’t have anything until later and it’s just me recording the moves for another group plus a few errands.”

For a moment Yugyeom pouted, which was beyond cute, but it confused YN.

“What’s wrong?” 

“You left me alone in bed this morning. Didn’t even give me a kiss goodbye.”

The pouting intensified after that and YN laughed, throwing her head back a little. She’d been in a rush to get to work and he’d gotten to bed late so she’d let him sleep in. But she was being wrongly accused.

“Just because you weren’t awake for the kiss, does not mean the kiss didn’t happen. I gave your cute little lips multiple kisses before I left. You just didn’t wake up for any of them.”

That made him flustered, the pout vanishing as he fought down a smile and looked anywhere but at her. YN loved doing that to him, though she knew he would get his revenge on her later.

“That -” Yugyeom started only to be interrupted.

“So, you do have a thing for older women,” Jay Park said.

Just from hearing his voice, YN rolled her eyes, but then when she turned to face the little intruder she couldn’t help but do it again.

“It’s literally a two-year difference,” YN said.

Jay waved her off and focused on Yugyeom who’d gotten a little shyer about things when he was being confronted head on. It didn’t help that it was Jay and Loco who were staring him down.

“You could have just told us it was little YN, man. We know her. She’s cool people,” Loco said as he reached out to lightly poke YN’s cheek right where her dimple rested. A habit he’d gotten after he stopped gushing about how deep it was.

“I told you I was going to tell you at the end of the week. It’s not like I was keeping it a secret. We were just going to tell people outside of those who know at our own pace.”

“GOT7 knows? JYPE staff?” Jay asked.

Yugyeom nodded and that made Jay frown, but he didn’t say anything and before anyone could break the weird silence Blackpink’s Pretty Savage came on, and just like that YN was gone to dance again.

That left Yugyeom watching on again and YN threw him a wink every so often since they’d changed the choreography up quite a bit and that left for more sensual moves. 

[cherry-valentine]

Spring 2021 Anime Season

Mars Red is one of two series this season set in one of my favorite periods, the Meiji era. It’s a vampire series that deals a lot with the politics of war as the Japanese military is attempting to establish a vampire unit, supposedly to compete with the British vampire unit (because of course that’s a thing). It focuses on a human military officer named Maeda who is charged with recruiting and managing vampires. Maeda is the type of character I really enjoy. Handsome, a little older than most anime protagonists, chain-smoking, overly serious, and voiced by Junichi Suwabe (who has to have the sexiest voice in all of anime). The series has a classic, romantic feel to it. Its take on vampires is somewhat traditional (they evaporate in the sun, drink blood, sleep in coffins, have super strength and speed, etc.). If it brings anything new to the table, it’s the concept of vampires having different ranks, from S-class down, and how lower ranks naturally fear higher ranks. Still yet, the classic vibe works in the show’s favor. Combined with the historical setting, it gives the show a certain charm. The art is lovely, from the backgrounds to the character designs, and the music is a high point. It easily has the best ending theme of the season.

Fumetsu no Anata e (To Your Eternity) is a unique series. I’ve seen a lot of people comparing it to Mushishi, but with an overarching plot, and that assessment is pretty accurate. The show follows an entity that comes to be known as Fushi. It begins as an orb, and as it makes contact with other objects and creatures, it learns from them and can possibly take their forms. Among the forms it most often takes are a white wolf and a young man. Originally, it’s a somewhat empty shell, incapable of communicating, but as it meets different creatures and learns, it develops a personality and begins to speak. The series is, overall, about Fushi’s journey through this world and all the experiences it gains, both wonderful and tragic. There’s a subtle beauty to the series, with an early focus on nature, but it also has scenes of trauma and violence. The animation is fluid and the facial expressions are amazing. There’s an overall natural feel to it that, like others have pointed out, reminds me of Mushishi (though it’s definitely faster paced than Mushishi). The show also likes to make you cry, so keep that in mind.

Joran: The Princess of Snow and Blood is the other series set in the Meiji era this season, albeit an alternate version of it that has a strange form of technology. To be honest, I’m a little fuzzy on some of the details, but it seems to be about a group called the Nue who work for the government to fight against a growing rebellion. The main character is Sawa, a member of Nue who has some sort of special powers involving her blood, which allow her to transform and battle monsters, or whatever else stands in her way. Her goal is to get revenge for the death of her entire clan (implied to be wiped out because of their power). Sawa is a decent heroine, a woman who craves vengeance and is determined to get it through any means, but is, at her core, a compassionate person who would rather live in peace. It’s this internal conflict that makes Sawa compelling (even if it’s not entirely original). The other characters are interesting, particularly Tsuki, whom I won’t talk much about because it would involve spoilers. The plot and details can get a little convoluted, but the action and animation are solid. When Sawa transforms, the art style changes, and it’s a really cool visual effect. The music is also nice.

Shaman King received a remake this season. I was a huge fan of the original, and so far I’m enjoying the remake, but to be honest, I’m having trouble seeing the point. The art is almost the same (just a lot shinier), the voice actors are the same, the plot is the same. Maybe it’s just that it’s been so long since I saw the original, I’m unable to remember the details and so I can’t tell what’s different. But to me it feels like I’m just rewatching the show. Which is fine, because I loved it to begin with. Maybe it gets different later on. Maybe it more closely follows the manga. I’ll keep watching to find out. For anyone new to the series, it looks like the remake is a solid place to start if you want to get into it. I won’t go into plot details for a story this old, so I’ll just say it’s a top tier shounen fighting series with a unique art style and some very memorable characters. If you like that sort of thing, and missed the original (or you just want a refresher), definitely check it out!

Godzilla Singular Point is a true delight. I’m a huge Godzilla (and kaiju in general) fan. I’ve watched every single Godzilla movie, as well as all the related movies (the Mothra films, Rodan, etc.), but I never watched the previous Godzilla anime that was on Netflix a few years ago. It just didn’t sound like something I’d like. Singular Point, however, is right up my alley. Set mainly in a small seaside town that’s suddenly attacked by bird-like monsters known as Rodans, we have two geeky protagonists using their intelligence to figure out what’s going on while more and more monsters appear. Mei and Yun are excellent heroes. They rely on their wits rather than physical strength, which is a refreshing approach. It’s also interesting that they have little to no face-to-face interaction. Instead, they chat with each other via text as they work separately. They often challenge each other with science questions. It’s adorable. The show’s overall feel is fairly upbeat and energetic. The colorful art and peppy character designs by Kazue Kato (who did Blue Exorcist) help with this feel. It should be noted that Godzilla himself doesn’t fully appear until halfway through the series. It says a lot about the quality of the show that I don’t actually mind that at all. Some of the science stuff does go over my head, but the general plot is easy enough to follow and the action is very well done. It also has fantastic music, with my favorite opening theme of the season. Even if Godzilla isn’t your thing, consider giving this series a shot if you like nerdy science types as heroes.

Burning Kabaddi is a sports anime about an unsual sport. I’d never heard of it before now, and if people in the comments were not talking about the very real sport, I would have assumed it was made up for the anime. The show is aware that the sport is obscure, so it takes great pains to explain the rules and details so that we can all follow the action. The story centers on Yoigoshi, a soccer prodigy who decides to drop all sports once he gets to high school due to all the drama and angst that surrounded him (mostly due to his teammates being jealous of his talent), and pursue a career as a streamer. All the various sports clubs at the school want to recruit him (especially the soccer club, of course) because they’ve heard of his skill and he has an athletic build. He rejects them all, but the Kabaddi club is strangely relentless. He ends up being manipulated into joining (the vice captain of the team straight up blackmails him by threatening to show his online streaming account to the whole school). Despite this rocky beginning, Yoigoshi actually starts to enjoy playing Kabaddi, and more importantly, begins to bond with his new teammates. It’s pretty fun stuff that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The art is serviceable for a sports anime and the music is fine. The series isn’t going to blow your mind, but it’s a fun way to spend twenty minutes every week. Worth a watch if you have a weakness for hot blooded sports anime.

The World Ends With You finally got its anime adaptation and I was so excited. The game is one of my all-time favorites. So far the anime is pretty good. The art is a near perfect replication of the bold, thick-lined art of the game. The battles are exciting and cool. Best of all, the anime often uses music from the game. This is important because the game has one of the best soundtracks, ever. Every time I recognize a song from the game, I almost squeal. If I had a complaint, it’s that the pacing feels a little off at times. It feels like the anime is rushing through the story, but that’s understandable. In the game, it took longer for everything to happen because you were walking from place to place, fighting battles along the way, stopping to scan NPC’s, shopping at stores, spending time in menus, etc. The anime has to cut most of that out, so naturally things are going to move faster. The result is that you don’t get to spend as much time with these characters, and so you feel less attached to them. Anyone watching the anime who didn’t play the game might feel like the emotional beats are lacking. I feel like this anime is definitely meant to be enjoyed by fans of the game, rather than newcomers to the story. But if you are a fan of the game? You should be watching this every week. It’s an excellent refresher on the story, just in time for the second game to come out this summer. Super high on my watch list.

Boku no Hero Academia has a new season. To be honest I don’t remember what number we’re on. This season, so far, focuses on a tournament-style competition between the two main hero classes. I would much prefer the plot to move on to something more exciting involving the villains, but I suppose they have to throw arcs like this in every so often just to remind everyone of which characters have which quirks. The plus point is that instead of being an individual competition, it’s team-based. What this ultimately means is that characters that are viewed as weaker or having more obscure quirks actually get a chance to shine. These are characters who definitely aren’t going to win one-on-one battles. In an individual tournament, it’s pretty much a given that characters like Deku, Bakugou, and Todoroki are going to win most of the matches. But in a team, everyone has to work together. The end result is that the lady characters, all of whom have fairly weak or situational quirks, finally FINALLY get to actually do stuff! Even better, in several of the match-ups, the girls have taken the lead in planning and strategizing. It’s been pretty nice to watch. The girls from the other class have been very proactive as well. I really wish the girls could do more in “real” battles with villains, since it’s clear that they can step up when they need to. Who knows? Maybe this is a sign of good things to come.

86 is a new mecha/sci-fi anime based on a series of light novels. The setup is fairly cool: In a country where everyone has silver hair and eyes, the people live in what looks like a utopia. There is a war going on outside their protected land but all combat is performed by automated robots, so there are no human casualties... or so the government would have the people believe. In reality, there is a district that exists on the outskirts of the country called 86, where people who don’t have silver hair and eyes are sent to pilot the robots and fight to protect the country that shunned them. Most of the pilots are children or teenagers. The mortality rate is high. Only a few people in the government know of their existence, mostly military types that include “handlers”. These handlers each take on an 86 unit and communicate with them through a system called “para-raid”. Using this, they monitor the battlefield from their safe positions and issue commands. Naturally, most handlers view their units as nothing more than tools in the war, and most 86-ers view their handlers as privileged snobs who know nothing of actual battle. The real plot kicks in when Lena, a young Major, becomes the new handler for a particular 86 unit. Lena is sympathetic to the people of 86, but it’s going to be hard getting her notoriously rough unit to accept her. The plot is a bit complicated and the show deals with some weighty themes (racism, privilege, war, child soldiers, death). Lena is a likable enough heroine and the members of 86 are all interesting and fairly well written. The music is fine. The art... well, it’s pretty to look at, but it feels a bit generic to me. A bit too shiny. The mecha designs are great, but I’m not crazy about the character designs, which feel like they could be from any other modern anime. I also find it sad but hilarious at the same time that the women’s military uniforms are clearly designed for fanservice (they include mini skirts, thigh-highs with garters, and a short jacket that opens up just above the chest to show the tight shirt underneath) while the men’s uniforms are just totally normal military wear. To be honest it’s just too stupid to actually be offensive, so it comes across as comical. Thankfully, the interesting setup and plot carry the show, making it good enough to overlook the generic visuals.

Moriarty the Patriot has a new season... maybe? I think it’s technically still season one, but with a split cour. Regardless, it feels like a new season so I’m treating it as such. The series focuses on famous Sherlock antagonist Moriarty, here represented as a trio of handsome brothers (though one of them is clearly the protagonist and the leader of the group) who work as “crime consultants” and basically help the lower classes wage class warfare against the nobility. This season shifts the focus away from the individual crimes Moriarty concocts and instead focuses on larger-scale conflicts that involve government conspiracies, corrupt cops, etc. We’re also treated to a lady James Bond (finally!), fixing one of the very few complaints I had about the first cour (that it lacked strong lady characters). The show remains very compelling, with beautiful art and excellent new opening and ending themes.

Best of Season:

Best New Show: Godzilla Singular Point

Best Opening Theme: Godzilla Singular Point

Best Ending Theme: Mars Red

Best New Male Character: Maeda (Mars Red)

Best New Female Character: Sawa (Joran)

[teentitwns]

soooo, as you know i wrote some bbrae fanfictions and, this one, especifically, called “all you had to do was stay” (yes, taylor swift’s song) was published in 2017 but i deleted after sometime because im little lazy and the history always seems easily in my mind.

anyway! i decided to rewrite this fanfiction and the first chapter is already posted on the brazilian website that i use (spirit fanfics), so why not put in here too?

please, remember that im brazilian and my english is a little broken - sorry for the mistakes you’ll find on the text.

well, thats it. im really nervous right now and insecure. i hope you like it and, maybe, i can post the fanfiction on ao3 or another website.

_______________

The protective dome around Raven was totally useless and, like her friends, she knew it.

She was there, standing in the middle of the contraption built by Cyborg, with all her vital signs being recorded on the computers that occupied a large part of the room, beeping together with the devices that showed her brain waves.

Everything had been perfectly assembled and positioned so that she had the best protection that anyone could have in the face of what was about to happen, but all those technological tools made her feel like a laboratory rat, studied in vain to discover that in the end the experience had gone wrong again.

She sighed loudly and propped her elbows on her knees, resting her face in one hand; she no longer cared about floating.

She felt physically and mentally drained to use her powers in something as unnecessary as floating, and she didn't need to be inches from the ground at that moment.

In fact, it was better to have contact with the earth, with the concrete floor. At least she would be sure that she was still alive, that the world was fine and whole.

Raven let out a loud snort and huffed impatiently, her eyes roaming the room until they found the door, waiting, miraculously, for one of the other Titans to enter. She had been inside that dome for hours and she couldn't take it anymore - loneliness was good when chosen willingly, not out of obligation.

To her despair, in addition to the blatant private prison that was happening there, the kidnapping, or anything else of that level, the situation made terrible flashbacks go through her head, making her remember Slade, the brand of Scath , the end of the world and, consequently, Trigon.

Why did everything have to be so similar? It seemed that karma was acting exactly the same as it had on her sixteenth birthday, creating a tedious and scary looping. She never considered herself a fan of automatic repetitions anyway.

Unconsciously, she took her left hand into the pocket of her midnight blue cloak in hopes of finding a specific object inside it, but this time, she had no lucky coin to cling to and consider as an amulet. She was alone, forgotten, practically left to die, just as she should have been two years ago, on the fateful day when Trigon’s Prophecy almost came true.

The empath, a “witch” as many called her, allowed herself to laugh with mockery. She hated feeling sorry for her own tragic life, but she couldn't escape the pitiful thoughts she was having. She probably didn't think differently from what her friends had in mind - she was just a poor girl, victim of circumstances, who was not to blame for being the fruit of the forbidden, unhealthy relationship between a human and an interdimensional demon. She was not to blame for being “Daddy's darling”, the one chosen to bring him to Earth for the second time, since she was a poorly raised daughter and prevented him the first time.

Now, at eighteen, she wouldn't be as lucky as she was at sixteen.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”, she closed her eyes and started to meditate, with nothing else to do. “Azarath Metrion Zinthos…”

“Raven!"

She opened her eyes with a start, facing Beast Boy. Awkwardly, he spread his hands on the thick glass of the dome, breathing heavily.

“Great.", She thought. “Of all the people that Robin could send, he chose the most restless."

" What are you doing here?", she asked.

“Dude, isn't it obvious? We’re doing it wrong! ”, Beast Boy waved his hands compulsively. “I mean, it's your father! There is no one better to stop him than you!”

“If I leave here it will be easier to get to Earth."

“I really don't want to be pessimistic, but he's already here, mama."

“Beast Boy..."

“It worked last time, didn't it? What good will it do you to be stuck in that dome? The world will end anyway!”

“Weren't you the one who was upbeat until two seconds ago?"

“I still am!"

“Does Robin know you're here?"

“…yes."

“I don’t believe that."

“Of course I told him,", the shapeshifter scratched the back of his head, causing his newly acquired muscles to start filling his uniform to appear. “I just don't know if he paid attention.”, He gave a nervous smile.

“It doesn't count as a warning."

“Have you never been told that what counts is the intention?"

Raven rolled her eyes and uncrossed her legs, standing up. She walked over to where Beast Boy was, touching the dome with her fingertips. He smiled broadly, running to the nearest computer and typing in the code that would free her.

When the dome barriers disappeared, Raven adjusted the hood on her head, thinking about the possibilities that surrounded her. Beast Boy was right, after all. Trigon was already on Earth, like the first time, and she would not be of much help if she were trapped, safe and sound, while her friends killed themselves to save the world.

“I knew you'd be up for it!" He celebrated, approaching her.

“It wasn't your worst idea."

“I'm smart, you underestimate me too much."

“I must have my reasons for that, right?

“Taking into account my discussions about tofu being the best food in the world can’t be considered as a reason.”

“No?”

“We all have our childish moments.”

“And you have your adult moments.”, she said.

“Nothing for having released you, I’m at your service.

“Where are they?”

“Downtown.”

“Excellent.”

“Raven”, Beast Boy called her when she started to leave. “Are you ready to go?”

“You don’t?”

“It's just… You have nothing to bring you luck.”

“I don't believe in luck.”, she lied, ignoring the thought that she had been wishing for a lucky charm a few minutes ago.

“Why not?”

“I make my own luck.”

“But it's always good to have help, isn't it?”

“Come on, Beast Boy.”

He shook his head negatively and approached her, holding her arm firmly and preventing her from getting away. The difference in height between them remained almost nil, with Raven looking a little taller from a distance because of the hood.

She frowned and looked at him without understanding, trying to pull her arm out of his grip, uncomfortable with the position they were in.

“It's just…”, Beast Boy started to speak. “I shouldn't be here and I know it. You are always so focused and correct that you even embarrass me for acting that way, but, last time, you had the coin I gave you and we won.

“I don’t know where it is.”, Raven lied, lowering her head to hide the blush on her cheeks. Some of her emotions were manifested in Nevermore, reminding her of the small passion she held for him. Passion, that, that she was sure that she would never be reciprocated. He was not a philanderer, he had never dated anyone after Terra, but he was not unaware of love affairs like her. She had a little more experience, even though she was also small. “We can't keep others waiting.”

“I can't let you go without an amulet.”

“There is no such thing as luck, Beast Boy! How many times have I told you that we need to run after what we want?”

“Many.”

“And none of them fixed on your brain?”

“Apparently no.”

“I should have imagined.”

“Why can't you give me a credit?”

“You are acting like a child who believes in Santa Claus.”

“And you're being cruel to me.”, he complained. “I thought you stopped that a while ago.”

“I stopped. Are we going to battle or not?”, Raven asked impatiently. “The world is about to end!”

“I know!”

“Then let me go!”

“I can't let you leave here without an amulet!”

“So give me this shit!”

Raven's words echoed around the room, and Beast Boy smirked, as if he had been waiting for this ever since they started arguing.

Such nonsense fights and quick discussions were not new to them, who were used to being awkward a few times a day, always for stupid reasons. However, that time, the shapeshifter had a purpose and, knowing that Raven would play the game, he put his idea into practice, which ended up working very well, thank you.

Raven shook her head and shrugged, silently asking if he wouldn't give her anything. She was waiting for a frog charm or other coin, but all she received was a warm kiss on the mouth, which made her blow up the nearest computer monitor.

The touch of Beast Boy's lips on his made her close her eyes instantly, her body and mind embracing the fact that she wanted that kiss - she had even been waiting for him for a long time, having fantasized the moment several times in the stillness of his. room.

On the other hand, Beast Boy didn't explode at all, but he felt his whole body vibrating. Her cheeks were as flushed as Raven’s, and it had taken him a long time to have the courage to kiss her.

The kiss could not be considered "worthy of a movie" because the two were too tense to give themselves up completely. They did not know where to put their hands and neither should they do it; A light in their heads blinked incessantly, reminding them that the world was ending while they were kissing, and billions of people were at risk.

It could be considered an ordinary kiss, but for Raven and Beast Boy, it meant much more than that.

They separate after a few seconds, unable to exchange a direct look. Beast Boy cleared his throat and Raven clung more tightly to her cloak, almost disappearing inside it.

“Raven”, Beast Boy smiled, making her look him in the eye quickly. Without breaking eye contact, he simply stuck a five-cent coin in her hand. Like old times. “Good luck.”

—————————————-

ok, i had no idea that the text would lose the diagramming!!! i wrote this on my iphone notes, sorryyyy

[fluidfox123]

Follow up rambles from this amazing post about Raph's plurality you should totally read if you want to. I would also like to thank the Constellation System (@december-rains) for giving me feedback on my grammar usage that I kinda messed up on and helping me with figuring out some information I couldn't decide on! You guys should totally check lune out!

Also, once again, please don’t screenshot/repost this post without my permission. I know it’s “only headcanons” but I would rather you ask before doing so. Also you can reblog since that’s not reposting.

Updated info:

Origin: Traumagenic and Protogenic (Mixed Origin System)

Savage is also Trauma-Locked (see the last post for the rest of his roles/identities, linked above)

---

Headcanons:

- Red is reckless and hard-headed. He's usually the one who does dangerous stunts for fun and gets angry the quickest. Even though he's pretty blunt as well, the guy is still pretty hard set in getting the rest of the system and turtle brothers through difficult times. An example of this is when Raph's brothers continued to eat poison despite it being, well, poison and fought with Raph over babying them or them learning to actually solve things by themselves. Red wasn't trying to say that they shouldn't ask for help in any sort of way, but he wanted nothing more than Leo, Donnie, and Mikey to learn how to do things without depending on Raph so much or just continuing to be irresponsible. It's unbelievable for Red that they won't even go out on missions a lot of the time despite them all collectively agreeing to be heroes. - Red is a foodie and has more than once ate so much food that their body suffered major stomach aches and gotten really sick. Mind scolds him each and every time. - Raph watches spy/action movies frequently ever since Red introduced them to him when he was younger. Sometimes rolling around and pretending to point a gun everywhere when on missions/patrols. All his brothers tease him for it. - Red and Raph sometimes co-front whether intentional or not. This causes them to be unsure of who is fronting or/and blur together. This often happens when Red decides to be involved with Raph's brothers without Raph leaving or because the body is in danger and he needs to quickly move them out of the way, only taking enough control to only move the body and protect it. Only on rare occasions do they co-front for long periods of time, especially since it is still fragile for them, and if it's focused on too much one will be forced back. - Red's voice is a lot rougher and a bit deeper than Raph's, despite the two being harder to discern from one another compared to everyone else in the system. - Mind practically lives in their inner world and it's rare for him to ever front unless it's to take care of the body, comfort someone who is fronting (usually by co-fronting and for example comfortingly rubbing the bodies arm), they've been forced to front (Red and Raph have been forced away/other reasons), or because they were positively triggered by something in the outside world that causes them to front (Like the strong smell of cinnamon or song Mind may love). - Mind is a very calm person, everything about them is practically soothing. They usually are the one everyone goes to for advice and comfort because it's something they radiate constantly. They're pretty peaceful but could practically kill you with their stare of disapproval when something bugs them. They're not very blunt, liking to think things through and adjust to the person they're around and talking to, making sure that they say what they know will get through to them or that Mind's presence isn't bothersome. Plus, they're practically the Mom friend but actually takes care of you like a soft-spoken mother. His ideas may not be the best but he tries his best to help everyone in the system and helps Raph with the people on the outside when he's having trouble. - Mind has a thing for bubbles. He loves the way they pop, make little soapy rainbows, and how much of a mess it makes after you've blown a whole bottle. In the outside world, Mind will practically jump to the front to blow some bubbles if offered. In the Inner World Mind's Station has bubbles floating around it constantly. - Mind might not be the best singer when it comes to anything fast or really upbeat, but slow and lullaby-like songs are his thing for sure. Mind has distinct memories of Splinter singing to the turtles when they were younger and learned it to help Raph and Savage when they're scared, upset, or unable to sleep. Mikey once asked if he and Splinter could do a lullaby duet. They said they would, but they haven't yet. Everyone wants nothing more than to hear it so they're all waiting for the day that two of the best lullaby singers put on a show. - Mind's blue eyes glow dimly,

making them a bit otherworldly than everyone else. His voice is pretty feminine, quiet, slow, and soft. He speaks the most formally out of everyone besides Donnie. - Mind likes to braid their mask tails from time to time. Red always compliments the look when he sees it. - Mind keeps track of everything within the inner world by using a very large computer. Using files and keywords in a search system to organize and find information easily. - Savage is someone who hates fronting. Practically avoids it at any cost and the only time he does front is when he's forced to, and it's always forced. He's emotional, most of the time non-verbal, and the most untrusting of everyone else out of everyone in the system. He hates the world outside just as much as he does the Inner world if not more and he wants nothing but for the outside world to never exist in the first place. - Savage is 6 years old, the youngest out of the system. - Savage is pretty silent and only speaks when he's distressed or so angry that he's on a warpath. He might be seen as the stereotype for the "evil alter" for systems, but he's not. He's far from it, in fact, and never intended to reinforce something so hurtful. He's simply a little kid who's forced to front when Raph's left alone for too long, and the pain and loneliness of being the worst feeling in the world. Even if he is the only one who can take it. But, despite his loathing for existence, he's a sweet kid. He loves strange animals, rock candy, and climbing things. He has fluffy pillows and likes the piece of brown cloth always wrapped around him, it comforts him and it's his own personal little blankly for wherever he goes. - Mind is the one who takes care of Savage, constantly giving him first aid for his climbing accidents, bathing him after he's dirty from his cuts, and playing in the sand/dirt in the Inner World. Mind is the only one Savage somewhat trusts out of the whole 2 worlds, and the only one he can even think to feel safe with. - Savage loves animal crackers. - The little Snapping turtle has neon bandaids constantly littering his skin other than bandages and bruises. He has no pupils and has gotten the nickname white eyes for that reason, it being the only nickname he'll allow people to call him other than his name. - Savage is the one out of everyone in the system that looks closest to a dinosaur. - He likes hanging from branches with his tail and digging pointless holes with his claws. - It's canon that Raph has a peanut allergy (Mascot Melee), but I feel like he's also allergic to Pineapple. - Mind pitched the idea when the body was a pre-teen to wear bracelets so everyone on the outside knew who was there, even if Red and Raph are the ones always present. Red wears a red thread bracelet similar to this:

Mind wears a blue, white, and turquoise bracelet that looks similar to this:

Raph usually doesn't wear one, but when he isn't fronting for an unusual amount of time, anyone else being the host would wear a bracelet to show Raph is co-fronting/co-conscious with them. The bracelet being a pink, yellow, and white mini rubber band bracelet Mikey made for him when he told him about Mind's idea:

And, even though Savage doesn't front, Mind made sure to include him by having a neon lime green triple rope bracelet:

---

That should be it for now! That's mostly the information for their system other than their Inner World, but I haven't really made anything for that yet, so I guess I'll make a third post for that eventually! Thank you for getting to this point! It really means a lot! Asks are open if ya'll wanna send one in about any of this!

[eddiesdiaz]

If I may request: Eddie realizing he's in love with Buck after he catches him singing (badly). Both of them realizing how big a dork they are for each other. I just want something sweet and sappy related to music. ❤💜

not gonna lie i’ve been struggling with writing so much lately, but for you, my love? anything. in other news: evan buckley is a taylor stan, you can’t change my mind (also super huge shoutout to @firefighterbuckleydiaz for reading this and convincing me not to throw the entire thing in the trash when i was tempted to lmao)

Buck’s good at a lot of things. He’s good at most things, actually, in that effortless kind of way that would be annoying in anyone else but is somehow just endearing when it’s Buck.

As it turns out, though, singing is one of the rare exceptions.

Eddie discovers it on a lazy Sunday morning. Buck had crashed on the couch after their weekly movie night, and when Eddie wanders into the living room in the morning, Buck greets him with a yawn and a sleepy smile and a promise to make his Diaz boys breakfast after he takes a quick shower.

While he’s gone, Eddie goes around the house and gathers all the laundry he’s been putting off doing all week. There’s a lot more of it lately, he’s noticed — Buck’s here often enough that nearly half the clothes in Eddie’s hamper are his.

He’s making his way down the hallway with a basket of Christopher’s clothes on his hip when he hears it. As Eddie walks by the bathroom, through the door, he can just make out Buck cheerily singing an upbeat pop song Eddie vaguely recognizes — Taylor Swift, he thinks.

Objectively, Buck’s terrible. Eddie barely even knows the song, and he can still tell that Buck’s off-pitch and off-beat and just generally shrill and grating and verging on dying cat territory. It’s quite possibly the worst singing he’s ever heard, but he can tell Buck’s putting his all into it anyway; wholeheartedly and unapologetically, like he does everything. 

It makes an impossibly fond smile stretch across Eddie’s face. He thinks of him and Christopher singing along to the radio together on their morning drives to school, and he pictures Buck there with them, joining in, and then he stops dead in his tracks as his breath catches in his throat.

It’s not some big, dramatic, earth-shattering revelation. The world keeps turning exactly as it has been — nothing changes. It’s more of a quiet realization, like he’s been falling a little bit more in love with Buck every day and he’s finally putting it together.

To Eddie’s surprise, he doesn’t freak out about it. There’s no point, though, really. As ridiculous as it is that Buck’s painfully bad singing is what gave him his moment of clarity, it’s so blatantly obvious now how deep his feelings for Buck run. And honestly, if he had to fall in love again, he’s glad it’s with the one person on this earth Eddie knows he can trust with his heart. 

He stands there in the hallway, lost in thought, until the door opens and Buck steps out of the bathroom with a towel slung around his waist. 

“Hey,” Buck says, smiling even as he raises an eyebrow at Eddie in concern. “You okay?”

It takes a significant effort not to get lost in the miles of pretty, pale skin Buck has exposed, which is new, but when Eddie meets his eyes, it’s easy to smile back and nod.

“Yeah,” he answers, and he means it.

///

Eddie tries to subtly coax Buck into singing again after that. At the station, he has music playing constantly, humming and whistling and singing to himself in an attempt to get Buck to join in, but to no avail. It’s disappointing, but at the same time, it warms Eddie’s heart to know that Buck knows singing isn’t his strong suit and avoids it whenever possible, and yet he felt comfortable enough at Eddie’s house, in Eddie’s shower, to let his guard down and do it anyway.

In the end, it’s Christopher who finally breaks Buck’s resolve, because the kid can get anyone to agree to anything.

The three of them are watching The Lion King together one night, and as soon as I Just Can’t Wait to Be King starts playing, Eddie and Chris are immediately singing along, just like they always do.

Buck turns to watch them with a smile so soft it makes Eddie’s heart flip in his chest. It’s not good enough for Chris, though, who reaches for the remote so he can pause the movie.

“You have to sing too, Buck,” he says, shooting him a pointed look. “It’s the rules.”

“Trust me, buddy, you don’t want that. I can’t sing,” Buck answers with a laugh, shaking his head.

Chris, for his part, just raises a brow. “So? You always tell me you have to do what makes you happy, even if you’re bad at it.”

Buck looks to him for help, but there’s no way in hell Eddie’s going to let this opportunity slip away.

“I do seem to recall a pretty compelling speech about not always having to be the best at everything, as long as you’re having fun,” Eddie says with a shrug.

He can see Buck hesitate for a moment, but Eddie knows he’ll cave. He’s a man of his word, especially when it comes to Christopher. 

Sure enough, Buck takes the remote back with a look of determination and presses play. Not only does he start singing; he takes it a step further still. He launches himself off the couch, pausing just long enough to scoop Chris up in his arms, and then dances around the living room with him.

The sound of Chris’ delighted giggling fills the room, and Eddie keeps singing along halfheartedly, but his focus lies solely on the scene unfolding in front of him. On his family, happy and laughing and so breathtakingly beautiful. 

Before Eddie can stop himself, he grabs his phone and takes a video of Buck and Chris. He wants to remember this forever, wants to bottle up the overwhelming joy and love he feels for his boys in this moment so he can bathe in it on days when the walls start closing in. 

When the song ends, Buck collapses back on the couch with a sigh, Chris falling into his lap.

“You already have plenty of dirt on me, you know,” he says, slightly out of breath as he gestures vaguely at Eddie’s phone. “Did you really need that extra blackmail material?”

Eddie wants to say that he’ll never show it to anyone. That it’s just for him, special and sacred and precious to him in ways Buck will never know. 

But that’s a little too telling, so he just laughs and nudges Buck with his foot and says “I gotta keep you in line somehow, Buckley.”

If he hugs Buck a little tighter and a little longer when he leaves later that night, though, that’s no one’s business but his own.

///

Eddie’s not proud of his latest tactic, but it does prove to be incredibly effective. 

It’s Christopher’s first night away at camp, so they’re hanging out at Buck’s, because they figured it’d be better to be miserable together than to mope apart.

He didn’t set out to get Buck drunk, necessarily; it just sort of happened. Eddie’s only had one beer, but Buck’s on his fourth, and his loose limbs and lazy smile spark a flicker of hope in Eddie’s chest.

“So, are you ever gonna sing for me?” he asks, shooting for casual.

Buck’s brows furrow in confusion, and Eddie has to resist the urge to smooth the wrinkles with careful fingers. “What do you mean? I sang for you guys last week.”

“Yeah, but that was for Chris,” Eddie counters. “I want my own show.” 

Buck shrugs easily, picking up his phone and tapping around for a minute until a song starts playing. It’s Taylor Swift again; one Eddie actually knows, because despite the team’s insistence, he doesn’t actually live under a rock. 

He starts singing along, much more relaxed and casual than he had been with Chris, and Eddie’s mesmerized. He’s still as terrible as ever, but he’s having fun with it. He looks carefree, his beautiful blue eyes shining with easy contentment. Buck’s stunning, and Eddie’s so far gone. He really is. 

Eddie knows he has no reason to record him this time, not without the cute kid excuse to hide behind, so he focuses his energy on trying to school his heart eyes into something more believingly platonic instead. 

When the song ends, he gives Buck a standing ovation in encouragement. Buck beams, getting up momentarily to take a bow before they both fall back onto the couch, landing a lot closer to each other than they were before. 

“I never knew you were so into Taylor Swift,” Eddie says, knocking his knee against Buck’s. 

“Oh, yeah, she’s the best. She just gets it, you know?” Buck answers, a little slurred but so genuinely serious it makes Eddie laugh fondly. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, nodding. “Like...You Belong With Me? Hey Stephen? God, and Dress? She’s a genius, man.” 

They go back to their video game not long after that, and Eddie doesn’t think much more about it. 

Later, though — after he’s tucked a very cuddly drunk Buck into bed and set up camp on the couch so he can keep an eye on him — it worms its way back into Eddie’s mind again. On a whim, he reaches for his phone and taps into the YouTube app. 

He listens to the first two songs Buck had mentioned, and he starts to put things together. 

If you could see that I’m the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can’t you see...you belong with me?

Come feel this magic I’ve been feeling since I met you...can’t help it if there’s no one else.

The lyrics are painfully relatable, familiar in a way that makes Eddie’s heart ache in his chest. The ache grows, morphing into something brighter and hopeful, when it hits him that Buck thinks they’re relatable too.

When Eddie listens to Dress, though...that one takes his breath away.

You made your mark on me, a golden tattoo.

All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting; my hands are shaking from holding back from you.

Say my name and everything just stops...I don’t want you like a best friend.

Even in my worst times, you could see the best in me.

My one and only, my lifeline.

Every line cuts Eddie down to his core. It’s like he could have written it himself, if he was half as good with words. 

He can’t sleep after that. He tries, but the song keeps replaying in his head on a loop as he lays there, staring up at the ceiling. All he can think about is Buck listening to this song when he’s alone and thinking of Eddie, of the lyrics echoing through Buck’s mind when their eyes met or their hands brushed in moments Eddie was sure he’d been reading too much into.

Around 3:00 AM, Eddie gives up on the prospect of sleep and instead starts thinking about what the hell he’s going to say to Buck in the morning. Because this is big. It’s the kind of conversation Eddie usually ruins by either saying the wrong thing or saying nothing at all. He can’t mess this up, though; it’s not an option. Not when he’s so close to having this — to having everything — with Buck.

His eyes land on Buck’s laptop sitting in the middle of the coffee table, and suddenly the answer is clear. Eddie grabs the computer, loads up Buck’s music library, and starts playing Taylor’s entire discography in search of the perfect song. Because if Buck’s love language is Taylor Swift...well, Eddie can do that.

///

Eddie’s making coffee in the morning when Buck appears at the top of the stairs, whining pathetically and squinting at the sun like it’s personally offended him.

“Morning,” Eddie calls to him, lips stretching into an affectionate smile. “Come down here, I need to talk to you.”

“Sounds serious,” Buck says, eyeing Eddie warily as he makes his way downstairs and into the kitchen. “I’m too hungover for serious.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t sleep, so we’re even,” Eddie counters with a laugh. He slides a mug of coffee across the counter to him, ridiculously sweet, just the way Buck likes it.

Buck hums his appreciation, taking a few long sips before setting his mug back down and looking at Eddie expectantly.

“Okay. What’s up?”

In answer, Eddie presses play on Buck’s laptop, then walks around the island so he’s standing in front of Buck and holds out a hand.

“Dance with me, Buck.”

Buck looks absolutely lost, like that was the last thing he’d expected to come out of Eddie’s mouth, but he smiles almost shyly as he does what he’s told and steps into Eddie’s space.

His hands tentatively land on Eddie’s waist. It’s the first time Eddie’s ever danced with someone taller than him, but he adjusts easily. It’s comfortable, the most natural thing in the world, as he wraps his arms loosely around Buck’s neck.

“Since when do you listen to Taylor?” Buck asks, sounding a little breathless. 

“Since about 3:00 this morning,” Eddie admits with a sheepish smile. “This song reminded me of you.”

They’re close enough that he can feel Buck’s breath hitch and his skin go warm under Eddie’s fingers. “Eddie,” he whispers, reverent and so, so hopeful. 

Eddie sways gently in time to the music, looking at Buck with more raw sincerity and vulnerability than he’s ever given to anyone.

“I don’t wanna look at anything else now that I saw you,” he sings quietly.

Buck leans forward and presses their foreheads together, his eyes fluttering shut.

“I don’t wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you,” Buck answers, voice shaky.

“I’ve been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night, and now I see daylight,” Eddie continues, spinning them around in a slow, easy circle.

Buck opens his eyes again, looking into Eddie’s own with intensity and overwhelming softness simultaneously. They’re so blue and beautiful Eddie could drown in them.

“I only see daylight,” they sing in unison, and then Eddie closes the small amount of space still remaining between them and captures Buck’s lips with his own. 

It’s short and chaste, but it’s a promise of so much more. Of a lifetime full of easy, familiar, comfortable love. It’s not black and white, and it’s not burning red; it’s golden.

Buck’s grinning as he takes Eddie’s hand and steps back so he can twirl him, then pulls him back into his arms and dips him. Eddie laughs, bright and carefree, and Buck leans down to steal another kiss. 

///

Buck tells the story to everyone who will listen — to the entire firehouse, to Christopher’s teachers at parent-teacher night, to random civilians he saves out on calls — of how romantically his boyfriend told him he loved him, always with a dorky, lovesick smile plastered on his face. 

Eddie thought it would bother him at first, being publicly portrayed as emotional and sappy and vulnerable so constantly, but he finds he doesn’t mind at all. Buck deserves an incredible, beautiful love story, and Eddie’s not afraid to give it to him.

[rebellionbeach]

HELLO apparently July 28th is the release date for Down to Earth therefore in honor of its 42nd birthday I wanna do a ranking of all the songs based on my personal preference of course. 

(I’m only doing songs from the original studio release sorry no Bad Girl or Weiss Heim but they’re both sexy ;))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwCsMQWkN3g

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7YOM4gx3RE (spark don’t mean a fire aka the alternate version don’t worry it’s beautiful)

8. No Time To Lose:  Starting off this list we’ve got the second song off this record and it isn’t bad in anyway.  In fact, it’s very upbeat and energetic, especially with Graham’s absolutely stunning vocals.  However, compared to the rest of the list I feel it falls just a bit short.  The lyrics themselves are actually pretty dark looking at them with examples such as, “It ain’t no lie, you’re hurting and you don’t know why.”  Don’t know what Roger or Ritchie were going through but damn, anyway, musically the song is also very strong.  The guitar riff is addicting but I feel it’s the combination of, again, Graham’s vocals and Cozy’s monstrous drumming that gives this song so much energy.  Not bad at all from a song that’s at the bottom of a list.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P17ct4e5OE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_v0bDfZytwk (Russ Ballard version, it’s really good)

7. Since You’ve Been Gone: Listen, I know many may judge this choice but I didn’t put this song at the bottom because of one, the sentimental value it has, and two, it’s not a bad song at all.  Okay, it’s not the best as well but Russ Ballard made a beautiful song about heartbreak that is only made greater by this glorious lineup.  I’ve actually listened to Ballard’s originally version and while it isn’t bad, I feel that Graham really helped cement this song and really put Rainbow on the charts.  I especially enjoy the interlude section that drops into a sweet ballad type tone before dropping back into the chorus.  Graham’s versatile vocals are well-equipped to amplify this song to a new level and not only that but without this song I probably would have never started listening to Rainbow.  Although very commercialized and maybe too light to many, this song holds a special place in my heart and I do love it dearly.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2XDORONuuY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WmQBKq0d_-I (Cozy Powell mix, yes it’s exactly what you’d think it would sound like if the drummer was the producer)

6. All Night Long: The second real commercialized song on this album and honestly the last.  However, where it differs from the other is that this song still has big traces of that hard rock attitude that Rainbow had emerged into.  That simple yet beautiful riff that gets stuck in your head, Cozy’s powerful drumming, Graham’s powerhouse vocals, I mean what else do you really want from a song.  Just from that opening riff you feel that rush of just pure hard rock energy shiver through your body.  It really is just a fun hard rock song that, although may not be anything too complex, isn’t bad at all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeVFTeXs1o8

5. Danger Zone: Danger Zone always stood out to me as a very interesting and different song.  Don is absolutely phenomenal in this song, especially his keyboard solo which Ritchie follows up upon to make a beautiful instrumental section.  I’d be remiss to not mention Graham who hits at some of his highest parts here.  This song really showed off the prowess of his full vocal abilities, hitting high notes with all the strength you’d expect from a hard rock singer.  The actual lyrics of the song are quite beautiful as well I believe.  Parts such as, “Don’t understand when you’re looking for a dame but it’s only a heartbreak away.  And you’ll learn, faking has no return.”  Really suspecting some mental instability from either Roger or Ritchie at this point...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8FcrH1lDeY

4. Eyes of the World:  Many may be surprised why this song isn’t higher up the list but trust me, I have good reasons.  Eyes of the World is definitely a highlight piece in this album and really is a final goodbye to the Dio era of Rainbow.  The subject manner is very of that era and really feels like it could have been sung by Ronnie.  I think to many this song helped alleviate the fears that Rainbow had gone fully vapid with it’s material (though we’ll see how that sentiment drags on throughout the next few years)  Don Airey truly deserves the limelight here for that incredible keyboard intro that just sucks you into that dark world of evil.  He really makes this song something truly special.  Cozy Powell is phenomenal throughout all these tracks but especially in this track where he’s at his home environment and just listen to the interludes between the chorus and verse, just incredible.  Then to our man of the hour, Graham Bonnet, he just absolutely kills it here.  He puts so much passion and emotion into the vocals that I find it strange how anyone could possibly still doubt him as a suitable vocalist for the band.  Ritchie’s solo here as well is probably one of my favorites off of this album just really makes this song something truly special.  I often like to compare this piece to the Gates of Babylon or Tarot Woman to Down to Earth with an incredible keyboard intro and other-wordly themes of evil and darkness that make it a classic Rainbow tune.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU__fm6QFvk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzQZoOvzzNo (Ain’t A Lot of Love In the Heart of Me, it’s brilliant and honestly parts are somewhat better than the final version lol)

3. Love’s No Friend:  I remember reading an article that talked about this song being Rainbow’s Mistreated.  That description always had stayed with me and while I partially agree with the statement, I also think this song is very different from the former.  Yes, both deal with heartbreak and emanates a grandiose sense of grievance from that sentiment however it differs in how that sentiment is delivered.  Mistreated, as stated by Blackmore, is really just a guitar song.  The relies both on David’s great bluesy voice that can conceive that anguish in his voice like no other vocalist can (love ya Dave) and Blackmore’s just heart-wrenching solo at the end which is probably one of the most emotional guitar solos I’ve ever heard.  With Love’s No Friend I find that it’s more of a complete package having all elements of the band contribute to the piece.  Not that but the lyrics are much more refined in this song.  I often find Mistreated’s lyrics very stale and boring since they’re basically just “I’ve been mistreated, I’ve been abused,” and the only reason they get away with that is because of David’s incredible vocal performances.  Trust me, Graham’s an incredible performer as well but these lyrics have much more substance to them and I feel just stands taller as a complete song.  Speaking of Graham, this is probably his strongest performance in the album.  You know what part I’m talking about if you’ve listened to this song but THAT part is just wow, that solidified him as one of my favorite vocalists of all time.  The entire song is really just a masterpiece and really just stands as one of the best Rainbow tunes in my opinion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1LvViMLKNo

2. Makin’ Love - Oh this song, how can I express my love for this song in ways that I haven’t already before.  Well if you didn’t know before, I put this as #5 on my top 5 Rainbow tunes and I still stick to it.  Let me just say, this is one of my favorite intros to any songs ever.  Don Airey is just magical in this entire album (and his entire career) but he especially shines here.  The simple yet beautiful little touches he adds throughout this song really makes it so much more profound.  That, once again, addicting Blackmore riff that just goes on throughout the song making the listener feel as if they’re going through a lonely yet sentimental walk down memory lane.  It kind of almost reminds me of one of my favorite Rick Springfield songs, Written In Rock, in that manner.  I guess I’m just a sucker for a pretty love ballad but man does Graham make it even better.  The man just had the perfect voice for these types of songs (please listen to Will You Be Home Tonight as an example) and he’s able to convey those vulnerable tones in his voice while maintaining that strong hard rock attitude like I’ve seen no other singer be able to.  I didn’t even mention the sudden shift during the pre-chorus that’s complimented with Cozy’s ferocious cymbal playing.  Overall, I’m just a sucker for a nice love song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRLHHftZEJA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eRLQyXzZ1Y (the live Alcatrazz version because Yngwie is a cocky little piece of work and gets his guitar unplugged for 1 minute of the song, Graham is a beast here)

1. Lost In Hollywood - The magnum opus, probably not only the greatest Rainbow song but one of the greatest songs ever written and produced.  I’ve already gone into detail about this song in my overall album review but just on first listening you can definitely tell that this song is something else.  The energy, the tempo, is almost seems rushing like they’re running out of time on the record to give everything they wanted to show to the listener.  The lyrics sort of remind me of Super Trouper (the Deep Purple one okay) if Super Trouper was an overdramatic and grandiose love ballad.  It’s obvious that the song is talking about the overbearing nature of becoming famous and the sacrifices one has to make to get to the mantle.  One of my favorite song lyrics of all time perfectly exemplify this through, “I’m gonna lose control, if I’ve been losing you to pay for rock and roll.”  They’re lost in Hollywood, not just the actual place but the lifestyle that befits every star.  I still think that Super Trouper as a song is a more profound piece on the effects of stardom as a whole but this song as well is beautifully written to talk about those themes in maybe not so personal manners.  The song really is just a beautiful showcase of the talents that were the Mark 4 lineup of Rainbow and stands in my eyes as one of the finest pieces of music ever created.

Yeah, I’ve probably over exaggerated enough.  Once again, I’m very biased here but I’m also speaking with my own tastes and experiences in mind.  Despite the constant lineup changes, Blackmore always seems to find the most top-notch musicians and I believe this lineup truly exemplified that.  It’s a shame that they couldn’t continue on but at least we got this album as a glorious reminder of what 5 musicians can do with enough talent and probably alcohol.

Also, the hallmark of all live performances: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5VPzJlUKVc

[paintedlight]

Supernatural Season 15 & Sufjan Stevens' “The Ascension”

Teaser: there’s a song on this album called "Die Happy” where the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” for 5 minutes and 45 seconds. yeah. yeah.

Disclaimer: yes it’s all a stretch and I’m overthinking it but also… am I? (yes) 

long post time! know that reading ahead may hurt you and yes it does get worse the further down the track list you get 💕 have fun kids

So just to start off, I think it’s funny that something Sufjan’s discography & Supernatural have in common is the 15+ years of the internet arguing if it’s gay or not, and the answer ending up being yes. PLUS there’s the obvious connection of American mythos + mythology + calvinist themes (I am hissing) + religious trauma prevalent in both. 

If you’re a fan of both like I am, it’s easy to connect them— notable connections being songs like “John My Beloved” and “The Owl and the Tanager” or even “John Wayne Gacy Jr.”, but I’m going to focus on Sufjan's 2020 album, “The Ascension” since even the arc itself seems so connected to season 15 of Supernatural, specifically. 

At least in my head it does <3 enjoy 

MAKE ME AN OFFER I CANNOT REFUSE

When interviewed about the meaning of this track, Sufjan explains that this song is about asking God, “what do you have to say for humanity?” That it’s about desperation, creation, and devastation. It’s about frustration with divinity. Also the vibes are 10/10. Need I say more 

RUN AWAY WITH ME

This song is beautiful, it makes me want to sit in some grass and stare at the sky. 

Some lines that make me Dean/Cas crazy are the two lines in verse 1 and verse 2 that mirror each other by being in the same place melodically:

Verse 1: they will terrorize us / with new confusion / with the fear of life that seeks to bring despair within

Verse 2: I will bring you life / a new communion / with a paradise that brings the truth to light within

Yeahhh so the words “Despair” and “The Truth” were mirrored in this song yes it was coincidental yes I’m clinging to it. It fascinates me 

But this song is about begging someone to stay with you.

sweet falling remedy / come run away with me / you’re all I ever need

VIDEO GAME

My first thought when I heard this song was about how it was such a song for enneagram 4s. If you don’t know what that means, I think Dean is a 4 and wrote a post about it here. 

AND @trapperjohnmcintyre also made the connection between these lyrics and Dean in this post, and honestly I don’t need to say much more than that??

The song is about feeling paranoid and angry that God is controlling your every move and you can’t escape it (aka hating the doctrine of predestination). Of course it’s also about not wanting to follow societal scripts. 

You just want to have an easier life instead of the weight of good and evil resting on your back!!!

I don’t want to put the devil on a pedestal / I don’t want put the saints in chains / I just want to make my life a little easier / I don’t want to play your video game

Also these painful lines, as a treat: 

I don’t want to love you if you don’t receive it / I don’t want to save the world that way

Oh, I almost forgot, also. At the end, the narrator gives up. He’s like well I guess I can’t escape. Gotta follow the procedure. Gotta be a puppet.

I don’t want it to go down that way / but in a way you gotta follow the procedure / so go ahead and play your video game

  LAMENTATIONS

I don’t have much to say about this one but this line always makes my heart ache idk:

I was only thinking of human kindness

TELL ME YOU LOVE ME

Here we gooooooo. Y’all aren’t ready.

Thesis: Tell me you love me despite the primordial darkness about to overtake me. And even if you don’t, I’m going to love you. 

15x18 Despair anyone?? 

I want to just paste the whole song but, here—

DIE HAPPY

Yep, "Die Happy" immediately follows "Tell Me You Love Me." Yes, the lyrics are just “I want to die happy” over and over for almost 6 minutes. 

First of all, the repetition mirrors the end of the song Fourth of July, from Sufjan’s previous album Carrie & Lowell, where Sufjan sings “we’re all gonna die” over and over.

Parallels, baby.

But I noticed something else about this recently though— in Die Happy, if you are listening to it in your headphones, there’s this weird sound that sounds like a wasp flying around your head (it made me uncomfortable which is why I noticed it, haha). After I felt unnerved for a moment, I had a realization— that this could be referencing one of Sufjan’s most beloved songs, “The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades Is Out To Get Us!!” (yes that’s a real song title lol)

The Predatory Wasp is about how Sufjan fell in love with his best friend at the Bible Camp he went to as a teenager. The wasp is a metaphor for internalized homophobia and also his love and how he fears his love will hurt the boy he’s in love with. 

So, Die Happy references an iconic song from Illinois (2005) with these notable lines:

Tl;dr: 

I want to die happy vs. I can’t explain the state that I’m in / the state of my heart / he was my best friend

Here’s an Despair photoset with Predatory Wasp lyrics via @toneelspeelster. 

ATIVAN

So your best friend has just died happy by being in love with you. You feel like the primordial darkness is on YOU now:

I woke up in stereo—I spent the day in vertigo / I could not get the spirit off my back

You’re once again tossed in the waves of thinking that God is fucking with you. But either way you just want to be tranquilized at this point. 

Is it all for something? Is it all part of a plan / tranquilize me, sanitize me, Ativan

Is it all for nothing? Is it all part of a plan? / make my death wish, mind my business / do the best I can with what I am

Ativan asks, was the true leading woman all this time… substance abuse?? 

Ativan / my leading woman

Long story short, you’re drunk on communion wine, asking the shadows to come back.

fill me with the blood of Jesus / clean my plate 'til he receives us / separate the colors from the black / ... / tell the shadows near us to come back

 URSA MAJOR & LANDSLIDE

Not a lot to say about this (even though I love these songs) so I’m gonna skip mostly, but the narrator has decided he wants to love you, he can’t help it <3 

GILGAMESH

Oh boy. 

I mean you kinda know what’s coming because of the title. The Epic of Gilgamesh is the world’s oldest piece of epic world literature, and Gilgamesh was “the first hero of human history.” 

In the world’s oldest story, The Epic of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh and Enkidu are “very close friends” (their relationship is very homoerotic and this is barely disputed). Gilgamesh calls Enkidu his brother, and they are mutually selfless towards each other but when Enkidu dies, indirectly because of Gilgamesh, Gilgamesh has a breakdown and mourns him like that of a spouse and then has to come to terms with his own mortality. 

The meta level of this is so obvious I’m not even going to go into it. Anyways… here are lyrics that make me want to scream! 

the repetition of “my heart”... the concept of singing a eulogy.... saying your heart is chained to Your Angel............ it hurts

DEATH STAR

Star Wars reference my beloved. Like many of these songs this has Fuck You God energy.

what you call the human race / expedite the judgement day / it’s your own damn head on that plate

vandalize what you create / ... / witness me resist your fate / it’s your own damn head on that plate

 GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

This song is a bop honestly 

When the lyrics were released a bunch of Sufjan fans contrasted Goodbye To All That’s here I am alone in my car / hopelessly infatuted / and I’m driving to wherever you are to Sufjan & Moses Sumney’s song, “Make Out in My Car”.

Yeah, I know, we’re all thinking of this:

Make Out in My Car is basically where Moses gave Sufjan a horny car guy chorus and told him to write the verses, and Sufjan proceeded to write the most liturgical shit ever (and we love him for it). ANYWAYS… Goodbye To All That also reminds me of Dean’s depression and the weirdness that started in 15x19 and goes into 15x20. For some reason he makes it seem more upbeat and happy than it is...

Despite this song being a bop, the lyrics are depressing. He’s alone in his car. He’s hopeless. He realizes it’s too late to have died a young man. 

He’s going to try to move on, even though nothing is left of him, he’s begging someone to turn around and show me his shadow.

He also references substance abuse again—

love me / and leave me / intoxicated

  SUGAR

The music video? Iconic. The mom of a family is making a pie, or she’s trying to. She ends up rubbing the filling all over her face, crushing the fruits, the oven catches on fire. 

But she does it! She makes the pie. 

Meanwhile the other family members are in their rooms, overindulging in sugar in all its forms. And then as she and her family eat around a dining table, occassionally being seemingly marrioetted by some unseen force, she looks angrily over her family, they all seem to kind of lose it, then the house starts to come apart until the chandelier falls on the dinner table. 

It’s the making pie + overindulgence in sugar + marionetted family metaphors for me ❤️ 

Ultimately, the song is about begging for affection, being desperate for domesticity, but you feel doomed, you feel like your defeat is predestined, that you can’t escape it.

You just don’t want to be heartbroken & you don’t want to be angry anymore!!!!

  THE ASCENSION

So you may be asking… does this guy get the domesticity he’s longing for?? Does he get his love back?? 

No. He dies. :/

The Ascension begins with just that. He’s dying.

THEN Sufjan decides to rhyme “confess” with “confess”, in two lines that mean almost opposite things:

When I am dead / and the light leaves my breast / nothing to be told / nothing to confess / let the record show / what I couldn’t quite confess

So does this guy have something to confess or not??? 👀

Moving on… 

He goes back to thinking about how his life was predestined all along, and now after all that, he’s dying. So he thinks about all the times he was kind of like this Mythological Icon. That he always had to be the one to show what was right, to lead by example. That that had been his entire identity. 

And he realizes he needs to answer for himself. 

Then he is frightened— realizing he was always asking what everything meant, what it all was for, but that all along he was just angry and depressed.

But even though he feels a like he should have just resigned himself to meaninglessness, that he only thought he could change the world for the better… it strengthened him to know the truth.

And even through the absolute shit of it all, and even though God & others did things from a place of so-called holiness and hopelessness...

He did everything out of love ❤️

So then he dies 🙃

AMERICA

So, as the end of The Ascension asked, what now? 

The album ends on this long track, which Sufjan describes as a protest against all that America has been and has become. 

It’s a protest against capitalism, of destroying humanity for the sake of some cold machinery. 

I have worshipped / I believed / I have broke your bread / for a splendor of machinery

And in true Sufjan fashion, he makes this song about protesting somehow both horny and religious, god bless

I have loved you / like a dream / I have kissed your lips / like a Judas in heat

I have worshipped / I have cried / I have put my hands in the wounds on your side / I have tasted of your blood / I have choked on the waters / I abated the flood / I am broken / I am beat / but I will find my way / like a Judas in heat

I am fortune / I am free / I’m like a fever of light / in the land of opportunity / don’t do to me / what you did to America / don’t do to me / what you do to yourself

  to finish out, here’s a DeanCas post by @eggcessive with lyrics from America ❤️ I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY WEBWEAVING :)

[passionate-reply]

What would Great Albums be, if not for defenses of albums lots of people hate? SPK’s Machine Age Voodoo is, of course, one of those albums, being the attempt of a noisy, drony early industrial group to make synthy disco magic. Did they succeed? Well, maybe not--but at least it’s interesting. Find out more by watching the video, or checking out the transcript under the break!

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! This time, I will be once again be coming to the defence of an album that’s been very divisive: Machine Age Voodoo by SPK, first released in 1984. Earlier in the 1980s, SPK had distinguished themselves as one of the most prominent figures of the nascent “noise music” movement, alongside acts like NON and Throbbing Gristle. Just two years before Machine Age Voodoo, they released their arguable magnum opus: Leichenschrei, an album that eschewed a traditional tracklisting, featured the mutilated visage of a victim of napalm burns on its cover, and sounded something like this:

Music: “Seite ((Klono))” / “Napalm (Terminal Patient)”

With their follow-up to Leichenschrei, SPK would take their sound in a very different direction. They abandoned the harsh, buzzing textures and nauseous, whirring drones of their earlier work, and set out in a remarkably more pop direction. While Machine Age Voodoo features verses and choruses, brighter synth textures, and winsome slap basslines, it still maintains a certain “industrial” identity, tying it into the same overarching web of related styles that SPK’s earlier work fell under. This album reminds me a bit of Depeche Mode’s mid-80s output, such as Some Great Reward, in its incorporation of both synth-pop structures as well as some accents of mechanistic clangs and bangs. Depeche Mode and SPK were, of course, passing by one another after coming from opposite directions on this spectrum, but the end results remain comparable.

Music: “Junk Funk” / “Machine Age Voodoo”

Listening to the album’s stomping opener, titled “Junk Funk” on most releases but made into the title track for the US market, I’m struck by just how upbeat of a track it is. Where many industrial acts are keen to portray modern labour as a punishing, soul-sucking, miserable endeavour, “Junk Funk” seems to make it into something of a party. Given that even Depeche Mode were penning tracks like “Everything Counts” with a dour outlook on capitalism, the seemingly playful aura surrounding this single really sets it apart--though not necessarily in a good way. As I mentioned earlier, *Machine Age Voodoo* has consistently been panned by fans of the group’s more aggressive earlier work, and I think the album’s affinities with light-hearted, and perhaps even silly, post-disco pop make it all the more easy to write off as ridiculous and asinine. But much like simply being in a style you don’t care for isn’t a reason to lambaste a work of art, simply being lighter in tone is no reason to reject something. Not all great art needs to be stone-serious, after all! While Machine Age Voodoo may not be a continuation of the classic SPK sound, I think it’s an album that has plenty of appeal for fans of lighter synth-pop, and one that I wish had managed to achieve a bit more renown among those who might be a bit more receptive to its style.

Naturally, the title of the album and the themes of its sometime title track invite us to consider the role that appropriation of “primitive” themes has to play. Ever since industrialization and colonialism began to create large separations between the lifestyles of “the West and the rest,” Western artists from Picasso to Gauguin have found themselves fascinated by so-called “primitive” ways of life, found among communities of colour whom they believed to live closer to the natural or archaic state of humankind, uncorrupted by capitalism. But followers of the religion sometimes known as “Voodoo” are living in the modern world as much as anyone else is, and the use of their faith as a symbol of barbarism or the unrestrained id here is presumptuous at best, and bigoted at worst--particularly given the reference to “funk,” a music style that, like Voodoo, is strongly associated with Black culture. The love for things “primitive” has served an important cultural role in the West, offering an apparent alternative to the crushing death spiral of capitalism, and serving as an outlet for questioning the assumed status quo and the truth of human nature--but at the same time, I think we can fairly criticize it for offering a stereotyped and tokenized view of cultures outside of the West. Machine Age Voodoo offers another, very different, perspective on the Other on its second track, “With Love From China.”

Music: “With Love From China”

Compared to “Junk Funk,” “With Love From China” is distinguished as one of the album’s more plaintive and less dancefloor-oriented tracks, and, in contrast to “Junk Funk”’s joyful embrace of “high technology hoodoo,” “With Love From China” portrays the titular Communist power as something quite sinister. While a simple read of the lyrics suggests that it may be a triumphant hymn to the state, the track’s plodding, dirgelike melody makes it hang like an ominous cloud instead. Arguably the most successful state to be built upon Marxist ideals, China is a prominent feature of lots of early 80s synth-pop, where it and other Communist states saw varying portrayals as anywhere from dystopian to utopian. Like the appropriation of “voodoo” earlier, the dread romanticism applied to China by SPK on this track says more about them than it does about China itself. I think both tracks, taken together, paint a picture of a sort of “anywhere but here” ideology, defined less by any strong feelings for these particular cultures, and more by a desire for an escape to the exotic, and an abandonment of all that is sick about the West. Overall, though, “With Love From China” isn’t necessarily a fair representation of the average track on Machine Age Voodoo, as the album consists mostly of higher-energy tracks, like “Metal Dance.”

Music: “Metal Dance”

Perhaps the track most clearly aimed at nightclub rotation, “Metal Dance” feels like a logical choice for the album’s first single. Less of a pop tune and more of a floorfiller, “Metal Dance” still hums with industrial touches, propelled by clunking metallic percussion and chant-like shouts that prefigure the synthesis of machine music and club fare that EBM acts like Nitzer Ebb would achieve later in the 1980s. With its succinct title and a compelling hook that implores us to “synthesize our dreams away,” “Metal Dance” almost feels like a love letter to the sheer concept of electronic music for dancing to--a consummate paean to the discotheque, even if it comes from what may seem like an unlikely, and perhaps dishonest, source. A similar embrace of dance music qua dance music is found on “High Tension.”

Music: “High Tension”

If “Metal Dance” sounds like a preview of later industrial dance genres like EBM, then “High Tension” feels like a throwback to the first attempts to “synthesize” an electronic disco, with its dense, complex production style, prominent bass, and lyrics that promote “danc[ing] ‘til you drop” as a response to “bad times.” Despite its compelling use of a well-textured vocoder, “High Tension” veers away from the worship of the machine that was central to “Metal Dance,” and its straightforward celebration of dancing itself makes it feel like the most likely genuine crossover hit on the album--not that it really had any. It’s also worth noting that the track’s bridge contains an early reference to “hip-hop,” back when artists like Man Parrish were freely using the term to describe club-friendly electro that didn’t necessarily include rapping. Times have changed, of course, but I think “High Tension” fits right in with other works in that style--even if, again, it comes from a group that nobody would have expected to make music like this!

On the cover of Machine Age Voodoo, we see a fantasy cityscape, defined by a massive tower crowned with the band’s name accompanied by a Communist-inspired red star. It’s as firmly removed from the vile and shocking imagery of Leichenschrei as the music contained within. But, just as the music has retained some degree of industrial sentiments, the cover is not without its own sense of subversion--it is, after all, apparently enshrining the ostensibly dangerous, foreign ideology of Communism!

It’s tempting to compare this image to the futuristic imagery of Fritz Lang’s classic silent film, Metropolis, particularly given that there’s also a track on the album that shares that title. But I think that the visual style employed here, with its blocky, cubistic rendering of form and lively use of diagonals to enrich its composition, is perhaps more reminiscent of the work of the Russian avant-garde of the 1910s. Even before the Russian Revolution, pioneering abstract artists, like the “Rayonist” Natalia Goncharova, were looking towards the exciting potential of the future, and making art that celebrated the beauty of machines in motion. The early abstraction of painters like Goncharova would go on to influence the abstract art associated with the early days of the Soviet Union, which makes it a particularly fitting affinity given the themes of Machine Age Voodoo.

After Machine Age Voodoo, SPK never returned to making more melodic music--perhaps unsurprisingly, given the album’s simultaneous failure to achieve crossover success, or retain the interest of their existing fanbase. They returned in 1986 with Zamia Lehmanni: Songs of Byzantine Flowers, an album of dark ambient music that avoided slavishly copying earlier works like Leichenschrei, while still feeling like a worthy continuation of the spirit in which they had begun their career.

Music: “Invocation to Secular Heresies”

My favourite track on Machine Age Voodoo is “Seduction,” which is easy to overlook as it actually only appeared on the US release of the album. “Seduction” is striking for its blatant, wantonly sexual lyricism, which, when combined with SPK vocalist Sinan Leong’s competently sultry vocal style, recalls the best work of the experimental disco outfit Gina X Performance. And much like Gina X Performance, there’s a bit of subversively queer gender-bending to be had here, as a male backing vocalist repeats Leong’s line, “you call yourself a man?” I think that may be unintentional, a sort of happy accident, but I love it nonetheless. That’s all I have for today--thanks for listening!

Music: “Seduction”

[duchesschameleon]

codependent idiots

an ajf playlist for @winterscaptain

hello tali! and everyone else reading this.

music is something incredibly important to me, as a musician and as someone who hates existing in silence. I always need something in the background. so, what better way to celebrate 100 ajf fics than with a playlist? tali, I am so incredibly proud of you for 100 ajf fics and so honored to have been part of the journey. and to be your friend. seeing the hard work that goes into this universe and how much you love it is just incredible. I cannot wait for what comes next and to see you continue to create and grow this universe that I love so, so much. you are amazing and wonderful and I love you to bits and pieces darling.

so without further ado, here’s the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0RpXkdEbsdMqX6l5daBdaL?si=bae62e4556674c84

These songs make me think of ajf or just fit the universe - it’s not about one specific moment or one specific relationship, it’s ajf as whole. So I’ve included a little explanation for each song, considering there isn’t a cohesive sound.

paper rings - taylor swift

this one is pretty self explanatory. it’s a song about loving someone so much you don’t care how, when, or why you marry them. considering meraki, I think we can all agree this fits.

I will follow you into the dark - death cab for cutie

this is a song that screams going to the end of the line for someone. and we’ve seen time and time again (and I’ve referenced it in many a commentary) that aaron & mom lean on each other for everything. they are so reliant on each other for everything and I feel like this song captures it. 

be my baby - the ronettes 

another classic love song. and just the right amount of sweetness for aaron & mom I think. their love, to me, is a deep and everlasting love that endures and as we’ve seen in the fic, is filled with sweet moments between each other. and there’s a lot in this song about knowing you love someone from the start.

can’t keep on loving you from a distance - elliot yamin

this fits into berry hill/mean it ajf I think. it’s the yearning guys. it’s the not being able to love someone from afar anymore and wanting to do something about it. yeah I threw in a little angst, but this is one of my favorite songs. it’s good and it fits. it’s a crossroads.

die a happy man - thomas rhett

pretty self explanatory, listen to the lyrics. it's all about needing just the love of the person you love the most in this world. that is aaron and mom to a t. 

unforgettable - thomas rhett

okay an upbeat song! this one is not forgetting any detail from when you met the person you love. again, aaron and mom. also it’s one of my favorite thomas rhett songs. it’s about inevitability, knowing that you’ve found your person, and not forgetting a single thing about them. 

this will be (an everlasting love) - natalie cole

aaron always gives me classic song vibes, he likes the oldies and what he was raised on. this song is...it is happiness personified. it is happiness and joy in a song and you cannot convince me it wasn’t played at the wedding. 

make a life, not a living - brett kissel

okay so first off: brett kissel is an amazing canadian country artist whom I love dearly. this is his newest song and it was released just in time for this. this ENCAPSULATES ajf for me - this aaron that allows himself to live and love again, to have this happiness and joy. it’s all about making a life, and making a good one. this is ajf for me. 

between you and me - brett kissel

and this one is for all the 18+/nsfw moments. listen to the song and it's pretty self-explanatory. 

at last - etta james

it took them like 6 years (? I think) to get together and another 2.5 to get married. someone played this at the wedding and you cannot convince me otherwise. again, it goes to inevitability and how everyone was waiting for this to happen. we knew it was gonna happen, it was just a matter of when. so when it does happen, everyone’s screaming “AT LAST!”

kiss me - ed sheeran

okay this album came out in 2011, mean it happened in 2011...it fits. and this song screams mean it to me. that’s really all I have to say

give me love - ed sheeran

same reasoning as kiss me. I just couldn’t decide which one fit more. but they both work.

growin’ up - bruce springsteen

this song is less mom & aaron and more ajf in general. it’s rebellion and doing what you want - hello bau - and it’s just a great song about learning and growing up and doing things your way. also it’s me, there had to be springsteen on here somewhere

mary’s place - bruce springsteen

run with me on this one: you’re driving in the car with your family, people you love, and this song comes on. you can’t help but smile and sing along and it is happiness personified. this one is all about the vibes, not the lyrics or meaning of the song. this to me is a bit of a party starter and something that could play at every bau party. familiar faces, laughter, gathering people together….this is all about having a good time with people you love. 

we take care of our own - bruce springsteen

last springsteen song I promise. this one is similar to above, it’s all about a family and being there for one another. looking out for your own, looking out for each other. 

some day one day - queen

this is a great soft, sweet song talking about hope for mom & aaron. much like this is early in queen’s discography, it fits into the early years of ajf. 

you’re my best friend - queen

self explanatory. they are codependent, they rely on each other so much, they are best friends and lovers. it fits so well. and this song will always put a smile on my face.

another one bites the dust - queen

another unsub bites the dust because the bau is great at their jobs. and, this screams hotchner’s dancing around the kitchen or the living room. they seem like the kind of family to dance around and film each other for….no ulterior motive whatsoever (/sarcasm)

my wish - rascal flatts 

so this fits for the wedding vows BUT ALSO - during enough when aaron is thinking about how he’ll fit into reader’s life. he just wants them to have a good life, to find happiness. that is his wish for them. 

danger zone - kenny loggins

we all know the hotchner’s love top gun. they absolutely, unabashedly love this song and blast it for a dance party. 

landslide - fleetwood mac

maybe it’s because we sang this at my camp as a last night campfire song, but I can see this being a song sung to the littles to get them to settle down. the lyrics might not make total sense but it’s a bit of a vibe. 

this is it - scotty mccreery

it’s a great love song and I love it. it gives me ajf vibes for many reasons and many moments in the series

not alone - mcfly

OH ITS TIME FOR MY MCFLY SOAPBOX. mcfly is a band that yes, I mostly know because of the close geography of the internet and early 2010s british youtubers. they are a big band in the uk and they were in an early 2000s movie called just my luck with chris pine and lindsay lohan. I love the movie, I love mcfly. seriously, they are one of my favorite bands ever. not alone is a great song and one I think can be the background for many ajf scenes. and yes this is about to start a few mcfly songs on the playlist

I wanna hold you - mcfly

it’s just about being close and wanting to hold the person you love. how many times during ajf do we see mom & aaron with a hand on each other and reaching for one another? 

it’s all about you - mcfly

I tend to find this is the most well known mcfly song. it was written for one of the band members’ wife and it’s so good. and yes, again, it encapsulates the love aaron and mom have.

being alive - company

I kinda had the realization that this song screams aaron to me. that for so long he fought against his feelings and was almost content with being alone, with not having anyone. he sort of holds himself at arms length, like bobby does throughout company. and then at some point, there’s a switch. and he realizes that being alone is not the same as being alive and he wants to have someone to hold and someone to be alive with. and that’s what this song is about. 

louder than words - tick, tick, boom

there are so many times where aaron and mom just look at each other. they use their actions, their body language, and their eyes to communicate and forgo words. they don’t need words. and it’s not just with one another. it’s with jack and the littles and the whole team. actions truly do speak louder than words in this universe. 

always will - bright star 

it’s a mean it & mistletoe song. “we’re supposed to be/together it’s true/I’ve had my doubts/but not about you.” these lyrics SCREAM ajf and this is one of my favorite songs from bright star - WHICH IS AN UNDERRATED MUSICAL.

dirty little secret - all american rejects

okay so it’s never a dirty secret, but this fits in during the mean it arc. they’re so secretive and sneaking around. we needed one unhinged song here okay???

the power of love - huey lewis & the news

this is a song that fits the relationship, but is also something that could play in the hotchner house and get everyone singing and jamming. or could be played at dinner at uncle dave’s house to get everyone up and dancing on the flagstones.

sharp dressed man - zz top

it’s aaron hotchner. also, this is a song I can see aaron making his kids listen to (yes my dad made me listen to this a lot growing up)

I want to hold your hand - the beatles

yes we need a beatles song on here and yes this is one that always makes me think of ajf. there’s always some way people are touching - linking pinkies, holding hands, a finger through a belt loop, hands on the top of someone’s chair - touch and contact are important here so yes this is the requisite beatles song.

the heart never lies - mcfly

one more mcfly song. just listen to the lyrics and you’ll know why it’s one of my favorites. for as long as these two fought their feelings and denied them, the heart never lies. and their eyes can give it away.

[rainbowsky]

Tagged by @peekbackstage

Post 4 songs you’ve had on repeat lately! 

Well, I could just end this list at one song, because truth be told I’ve just been listening to Wild Child on repeat for several days now. GG’s voice is so beautiful, strong and sweet, and so damn comforting. He makes it seem like everything’s going to be OK. There is nothing else I can listen to right now. Nothing. I’ve tried branching out for the sanity of my partner, but nothing else does it for me. Fuck I love GG so much. God I love that man.

Xiao Zhan - Wild Child

But I will add a few more for completion’s sake:

Wang Yibo - Rules of My World

DD’s new song, I love it. So much power, and I love the sentiment of it. His NYE performance blew me away. Despite the fact that all I can listen to is Wild Child, when I’m puttering around the house and there’s no music playing, this is the song I’m always singing (LOL or badly approximating anyway).

I know I’ve always been really subtle and nuanced in how I talk about DD, but hopefully some of the more astute readers have been able to parse out some of my feelings for the princeling.

Rüfüs Du Sol - Innerbloom

I know I’m being boring af when I put this song here, because it’s been in almost every music post I’ve made, but there’s a reason. I love this song so much. It pretty much epitomizes an element of music that I love most. I’m all about anthemic yearning and bittersweet, upbeat grief and catharsis.

Amyl and the Sniffers - I’m Not A Loser

I’m going to mention them here because FUCK COVID. I was so excited for this show and the tour was canceled just as the first lockdowns happened in my region. Watching this video makes me nostalgic for distant times when we could all cram together in a hot, sweaty group and enjoy getting our eardrums ripped out by the performers we love. God, I miss live shows.

SOPHIE

I’m also going to mention SOPHIE, because she recently died and it was a fucking tragedy. It’s such a massive loss on multiple levels. She was not only a groundbreaking, brilliant producer who worked with pioneering artists and producers along with many big names in the industry, she was also a LGBTQ icon and someone who rebelled against the boundaries of conformity on every front. She was a personal hero of mine.

For anyone who’s curious to learn more about her, there are so many good articles out right now. Just google her and you’ll find great write-ups from the BBC, NYT and all the other major newspapers and magazines.

I’ll link to her video for It’s OK To Cry rather than embed it because it has some nudity and Tumblr will likely remove it if I embed.

Tagging:

@keeperofbooks​, @bearwithoutpaws​, @joshua-beeking​, @jiyamjain-blog​ and @latitudeoctopus​

[checkurwindow]

too late

Book: Open Heart

Warnings: Not the best fic I’ve written but I needed to get the idea out of my head so here you go. Once again, angsty as hell.

Rating: General

Pairing: Ethan x M!MC (ft. Bryce x mc)

Word Count: 1900+ words

Author’s note: BISEXUAL ETHAN RAMSEY!! My first male mc fic! And while you’re here, check out my masterlist!

The party was in full swing. With the sun setting and all kinds of alcohol being passed around, everyone was feeling warm and giddy. People were dancing in the middle of the room without a single care, others were sitting at tables, conversing and laughing freely. Near the stage at the front of the space, the top lights had been dimmed and instead replaced with soft flashing lights,

In short, it was the type of party Ben was not used to.

Once the ceremony was over, they moved indoors and he’d barely moved from his seat since, only getting up to enjoy and milk the open bar stocked with the most expensive liquor. Elijah had left the table long ago, and Sienna only came back to talk to him every half hour or so. And just like that, he was left alone at the table with his glass(es) of Gin & Tonic.

He was lost in his own thoughts when she heard the chair beside her scrape across the marble floor, making her jump in her seat.

“Some party, huh?” Ethan’s eyes scanned across the room as he sat down beside him.

Sitting up straighter in his chair, he felt a sudden wave of nervousness wash over him, “yeah, it’s uh...it’s great.”

“I bet you fifty bucks that he,” he pointed to Sothy, Elijah’s intern, doing rounds of shots with the other interns, “ends up belly-flopping onto a table,” he held back a laugh, “or something in that spectrum of dumb things to do.” 

“I see your fifty and raise you to a hundred,” Ben challenged and a smile emerged from his tightly pressed lips as they both turned their attention to Jackie and Elijah, “that my dear friends and second year resident over there will make a catastrophically disastrous attempt at stealing that swan over there,” she pointed to where Jackie was suspiciously eyeing the ice-sculpture at the corner, whispering to Elijah and pointing accusingly.

He let out a chuckle, “y’know what, I don’t doubt that in the slightest, seeing as how they’ve somehow managed to drink the bar dry of whiskey,” he raised his glass that was unusually filled with brandy.

“You’re being unusually open tonight, what’s wrong with you?” Ben teased.

“I don’t really know, maybe it’s because we’re finally out of the hospital and all the work and problems are far far away from here,” he replied smoothly, taking the last sip of his drink.

“I suppose,” Ben said.

“So I was thinking,” he started but was quickly cut off by the burst of excitement from Harper, who sat down next to Ethan and held his hands so he would face her.

“I am loving this venue,” she said, looking around and admiring her surroundings, “I’m so glad we got to come here!” 

Ethan looked up at Harper with a sweet and gentle smile, caressing her arm with his hand. He looked peaceful, his eyes locked on Harper, full of love and adoration.

Something he would never have with him.

Before Harper could continue her rambles and talk about her and Ethan’s future together even more (he was sure if he heard a baby name, he would’ve exploded), Naveen came over and clapped Ethan on the shoulder, Harper giving him a hug and a wide smile.

Ben gave him a hug, a wide smile planted on the older doctor’s face as they parted, “I’m so glad to see you could all make it,” he said, smiling brightly.

“Congratulations, this really is a beautiful setup,” Harper complimented.

Naveen chuckled slightly, “thanks, I thought it was a little bit much, but I don’t suppose the groom gets a lot of say in wedding planning,” everyone laughed, though his seemed to sound a little too forced, “but whatever makes the wife happy, makes me happy,” he was happy that Naveen had finally found someone to share the rest of his life with, but god, everything was so lovey-dovey and sappy, it made him almost want to throw up.

Screw love, why couldn’t he have what everyone else seemed to attain so easily?

Harper gasped as an upbeat song started playing, “I love this song! Ethan, babe, come dance with me,” she took his hand and pulled him onto the dance floor. He went easily, smiling at Harper with such passion.

Ben had to admit it, he’d never seen Ethan happier than now. Ever since he and Harper started dating, he had almost become a different person. His smile was wider and he was more enthusiastic and high-spirited when she saw him. He even started taking days off from work, could you imagine?

The look on his face must’ve been too gloomy and somber as Naveen placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder, “are you alright?” he asked worriedly.

He nodded, “I’m...fine, thanks.”

Naveen pursed his lips, but didn’t think much more of it and nodded nonetheless. He had long ago figured out Ben’s feelings for Ethan, or at least that was what he thought it was. To Ben, however, it was something that just grew more every time he looked at him.

It was something that made him wonder what his lips would feel like, if they were really as soft as they appeared to be. He imagined how he’d look in the mornings, when the sunlight would flow through the room and wrap around his skin. He wondered if he’d whisper sweet nothings tenderly into his ear when they were alone and the world was quiet.

He imagined what it would be like when he’d see him after work. Would he wrap his arms around his waist, pull him close, and inhale his familiar scent that he’d grown to love, or would he kiss his cheek and tell him all about his day. 

Of course, he let these be what they originally were: thoughts. He didn’t dare to share these hopeful wishes with anyone. Not that it would matter in the end, he probably already does those with Harper.

“Well, I’m off to try and sober Doctor Yoeun up before he breaks something,” Naveen says, knocking him out of his daydreaming trance.

He called his name as he found a glass of water, “Congratulations, I’m really happy for you,” he returned his smile before walking away.

The upbeat tempo in the air was quickly swapped with a slow song, forcing him to keep his eyes on his glass, a desperate attempt to avoid seeing Ethan and Harper as they slowly swayed in each others’ embrace. 

Despite that, temptation had found him soon after, and as luck would have it, the happy couple was in the middle of his sight the second he looked up. Ethan was resting his cheek closely to Harper’s, whispering into her ear. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his neck, pulling them closer to each other.

Moments passed and he was still watching them, a mix of envy and guilt building up uneasily inside his chest. Suddenly, his eyes locked with the deep blue ones of Ethan. He seemed to be entranced by her, staring for a while as he swayed with another person in his arms. As fast as it had happened, he realised exactly what he was doing and quickly looked away, pretending that nothing had happened.

Heavy footsteps approached him and he was greeted by Bryce walking over, waving softly at him, “there you are.” 

“Hey, Bryce,” he sighed, hoping that he didn’t notice the drop in his mood, how his demeanor was completely different from before when they had met in the courtyard earlier in the evening, his sweet charm making her laugh. 

“This wasn’t exactly the friendly welcome I was hoping for,” he joked as he sat down in the chair beside him, the one Ethan had previously sat in a mere 15 minutes ago. 

“No, sorry, it’s just-” he rubbed her temples and let out a frustrated groan before looking up at him again and giving him a half-smile, “sorry.”

“No worries,” he assured him and leaned back, placing an arm around the back of his chair, “nice ceremony huh?”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful,” he’d never been to a beach wedding before, and while he didn't appreciate the sand in his shoes, the view and fresh air weren’t one to complain about. 

He wouldn’t mind having a beach wedding one day, granted he finds someone who he could see himself spending the rest of his life with, someone who appreciates him, who listens and laughs with him.

And just like that, his eyes landed back on him, Ethan, and his head was clouded with the millions of possibilities about the wonderful life they could have led together. But he knew better, and so he pushed those thoughts away. 

Bryce followed his gaze and cleared his throat, “would you like to dance?” he held out his hand, and he was hesitant but took it in the end. It wasn’t as if staring at a man he could never have would do him any better. 

His big, gentle, promising hands that held his own with such care led him to the dance floor, his grip never faltering for even a second.

Bryce wrapped an arm around his waist and his hand with the other. Ben held onto his shoulders with his free hand, and for a while, they just held each other close and swayed in time to the music.

He could feel his breath near his ear, his fingers finally intertwining with Ben’s. It made his stomach flip, not used to the normally unfamiliar affection. He leaned against him and laid his head on Bryce’s shoulder, closing his eyes, feeling more peaceful and calm than ever before.

While others around them danced in a soft sway, they moved slowly in a circle, more focused on the warmth of the other than the actual dance. Ben buried his face into the surgical resident’s neck, hearing him swallow nervously as he did so.

Seconds passed, maybe minutes, or even hours. He couldn’t tell, too caught up in the tempo of the song and the steady beat of his heart to care, the safe feeling he experienced drowning out everything else around them. 

Suddenly, Bryce pulled back, licking his lips and gazing at Ben with the entrancing dark brown eyes of his, “do you want to get out of here?” he asked. 

He’d never heard him so shaky, his normal easy confidence replaced with the slight quiver in his voice with every breath, but he knew that he held promise. Promise of what, he was yet to know, but he’d like to find out.

“Yeah,” he whispered and he nodded firmly. He took their intertwined hands and led them back to his table, saying their goodbyes to the others.

As they headed for the door, Ben looked to the dance floor to find Ethan looking back at her. It made him pause, the look of uncertainty on Ethan’s face, his eyebrow raised and mouth parted slightly.

Ben liked to think that one day Ethan would try. One day, Ethan would stop distracting himself with work and worrying about what the future would hold for him. He had hoped that he would sit down and have an honest conversation about them and that he would let her see that vulnerability that he hides so well, the person behind the white coat, the sarcasm, the bottled up feelings. He liked to think that they would be the ones dancing closely right now, or even the ones sneaking out.

But it was too late.

He mentally shook himself as he blinked, looking away and walking out of the reception, leaving behind the look of heartbreak on Ethan’s face as tears escaped from the eyes of both parties.

[dinoyoongi]

Confirm or Deny (5)

SYNOPSIS: You’re a member of the rising group FRNZEE. You’ve been dating Namjoon for years when Dispatch releases an article exposing your relationship. Your company confirms the relationship. Big Hit denies it.

PARTS: ONE | TWO | THREE | FOUR | FIVE | SIX

PAIRING: Namjoon x Reader

GENRE: Romance, Angst

WARNINGS: Strong language

WORD COUNT: 3503

AUTHORS NOTE: A bit shorter than the others but I felt this was a good spot to end the chapter on. There will only be one more part to this before it’s over! I want to thank everybody for your patience - I’m definitely not as quick a writer as some others on here and when I do sit down to work on this, writer’s block hits me like a garbage truck every time. This chapter is kind of rushed and Namjoon-less but it I hope you’ll all like it just the same! Thanks for all the love. ❤️

___________________________________

BREAKING: Y/N officially departs FRNZEE & terminates contract with Hot Star Entertainment!

After two months of speculation of whether Y/N would return to FRNZEE after being attacked outside the KBS building, it's been confirmed by Hot Star Entertainment that Y/N has officially terminated her contract with the company. Y/N was recently involved in controversy after her company confirmed dating rumors between Y/N and BTS' leader RM that the latter denied. She had been removed from the group's comeback and was on hiatus from all activities when she was attacked by BTS fans outside the KBS building during a taping of Music Bank that she had attended with her manager out of support for her members. Despite official statements being released by both Big Hit Entertainment and RM – who uploaded a handwritten plea on Weverse begging for his fans to stop the bullying – Hot Star Entertainment felt that Y/N's mental health was being compromised and released her from contract.

“Like they give a shit about my mental health,” you snicker sarcastically, dropping your phone a little too forcefully onto the kitchen counter. From your peripheral, you can see your mother's lips turn downwards in disapproval at your foul language but she fortunately chooses not to scold you, recognizing the delicate situation. It's not as if this is a blindside. Nobody was pulling the wool over your eyes right now. You had been aware that they were permanently removing you from the group and from the company only one day after you returned home to Daejeon.

You're only surprised that they waited this long to announce it. You imagine it wouldn't look too good for them if they kicked you out of the group right after you were assaulted – no surprise there. Their image is all they care about.

“Has anyone tried reaching out to you?” your mother asks from the stove, stirring a steaming pot languidly.

Your eyes fall down to your still-lit phone, catching the small red balloon icon that signifies missed notifications. Calls, texts, voicemail, emails; you don't need to open them to see who they're from – you've spent the past week dodging any incoming forms of communication from everyone including your members, your former manager, the CEO of Hot Star, numbers that you don't recognize that you assume to be reporters and even all seven members of BTS.

Out of all the names that showed up on the screen on your phone, Namjoon's appeared the most.

His unread messages and unopened voicemails feel like an anchor on your chest. Is he reaching out to pity you for what happened with his fans? Is he reaching out to get back together with you? Is he reaching out to cuss at you because you dragged his name into your articles again? Is he reaching out to hammer that final nail in the coffin and be done with you for good?

All of these scenarios are equally terrifying so you pretend that the messages don't exist. However, there are times when you miss him so much that your chest physically aches and the thought of loading up your phone's inbox to listen to his voice is so devastatingly tempting. Playing his albums or watching him on YouTube isn't the same. You don't miss RM – you miss Namjoon. Your Namjoon.

You're not completely depriving yourself of him, though. Two months ago, the day of your attack, he posted a message messily scrawled onto a napkin to his Weverse account. Despite his username displaying as RM, your heart can tell just by his words that it's Namjoon. You've stared at the message so many times over the past few weeks that you have the words ingrained into your head.

ARMY,

Today, somebody I care about was seriously injured. I want to deny that our lovely ARMY would do anything to cause harm to other people. That's not Bangtan. That's not what we teach, what we stand for. But that was our logo on their phone cases. That was our lightstick in the pocket of their bags. That was our faces on keychains that hung from their straps. At the risk of upsetting some, I speak on behalf of the rest of the group to say to those who harm other people in the name of Bangtan – both physically and verbally – you are not ARMY. ARMY is better than this. ARMY is too good for this.

Please ARMY, let's always be better.

It's a simple message but one that you know was difficult for him to write. Having known the boys for the majority of their career growth, you know that the admiration they have for their fans is one-hundred percent not an act. Knowing that some of them assaulted you in such a humiliating manner had to have felt like a knife in the gut.

“Nobody,” you lie to your mom who quirks her brows, waiting for your response. “Nobody has tried contacting me at all.”

“When are you going back to Seoul?”

You sigh, dropping your eyes onto the kitchen counter. “Mom, why would I go back to Seoul? There's nothing there for me anymore.”

“What are you going to do then?” your mother asks softly. You hear the spoon she was stirring with drop the table, followed by a heavy sigh. “Is that it? You're done with your music career?”

“It isn't as if my contract just expired and I can shop around for new agencies. I was the center of a very huge scandal. I was the butt of jokes and online bullying for so long. I don't think there's an agency out there that would poke me with a ten foot pole at this point.”

“But you trained for so long. You didn't go to university. Y/N, what -”

Your body slides from the stool, your feet slapping against the linoleum so hard that your mother flinches from the sound. “I'm suddenly feeling kind of sleepy. I'll just go take a nap before dinner.”

She calls your name as you lug yourself upstairs towards your bedroom but you pretend not to hear. You're not angry with her – absolutely not. If you're angry at anything, it's your life. It's this situation. It's the world. It's a fact that most idols audition and join agencies for two things and two things only – money and fame. And while those two things can be really great at times, that's not why you decided to be an idol. You decided to become an idol because, well … there was really nothing else you could do.

Throughout your life, whenever anybody asked you “what do you want to be when you grow up?” you never gave the usual answers that your classmates did – police officers, veterinarians, doctors, lawyers, judges, the president. Your answer from the first time you were asked until the last remained unchanged: an idol. Music was everything to you. There was nothing that you could study for, nothing you could major in that would give you a sense of happiness and fulfillment like music did. Like music still does. It was the upbeat songs, the quirky choreography, the super cute but super outrageous outfits, the camaraderie and bonds formed between group members and the thrill of satisfaction when all of that came together for a comeback. That is what you've always wanted. There was nothing that came even close.

And now that you've had it, now that it's slipped right through your fingers … what do you do? What are you supposed to do with your life?

Heaving yourself onto your bed, you groan in frustration. Your phone chirps from the pocket of your hooded sweatshirt, alerting you to a text message. Waving the device in front of your face, you sigh when you see Ji-na's name.

Ji-na: please be strong. keep your head up. don't skip meals. i love you and i'm sorry.

Your chest throbs are you reread the words again. And then for a third time. If you were being honest with yourself, you stopped being angry with Ji-na and the rest of the group the moment you arrived home. If you were to put yourself in their shoes – would you have reacted the same way? An idol's career is already typically short; seven or eight years if you're lucky. Would you be willing to risk that for another person? The knee-jerk response might come easy to some but only those who have been in your shoes, trained as long and hard as you and your members did, can answer that question. But despite not holding onto any anger, you can't erase the betrayal from your heart. Ji-na was more than just a member of your group. Ji-na was your best friend. Ji-na was the hand that you reached for when FRNZEE was getting mobbed at airports. Ji-na is your first dibs sleeping buddy when you had to pair up in hotel rooms. There was very little that you couldn't and wouldn't tell Namjoon but if there was – Ji-na was the one you confided in. Ji-na was everything.

And going through this without her and Namjoon seems incredibly impossible.

Your eyes leave the phone, slipping over to the corner of the room where your suitcase and bags are haphazardly strewn about as you were too lazy to commit to unpacking. The one thing propped neatly against the wall is a sparkly, medium-sized gift bag, intricately tied with rainbow ribbons. Ji-na's birthday is coming up in week but you've had her present ready for months. Instead of leaving it at the dorms, you brought it home with you. At the time, you were so caught up in your anger and woes and self-misery that you had every intention of sending it back to the store once you settled in but now?

It seems you have a present to hand deliver.

_______________________________________

- TWO WEEKS LATER -

You've only been gone for two months but it seems like Seoul has already changed so much. The first big difference? There's now a doorman stationed in the lobby of the dorm apartments. You can tell that he recognizes you immediately by the way his cheeks flush red but he still refuses to let you go any farther, keeping you a safe distance away from the elevator. You get it, you really do. He was probably hired to keep out nosy reporters and fansites and journalists but knowing Hot Star the way that you do now, you have no doubt that he was also explicitly warned not to let you in. Sighing, you pull your phone from your bag, typing a few quick words to Ji-na before hitting send.

It only takes three minutes for the elevator to open with a loud ding and a flash of pale skin is hurtling itself at you. Ji-na wraps her arms around your neck so tightly that you cough from the pressure until she loosens her grip. You try to ignore the moisture that you see building in her eyes when she pulls away.

Grabbing her hand, she tugs you toward the elevator. “Come on. We have some talking to do.”

“Ah -” the doorman interjects, nervously stepping in front of you. “I'm sorry, Ji-na. She's on the no clearance list. She can't go up.”

Ji-na scoffs. “Even with my permission? Even though I'm bringing her up with me?”

He grimaces. “I'm sorry. It's my job.”

“It's okay, Ji-na. I just wanted to drop this off anyway,” you say, thrusting the bag in her direction. She stares at it for a few hard seconds before hesitantly accepting it. “Happy Birthday. If you're ever near Daejeon, let me know, okay?”

You turn on your heel to leave but a painful grip on your hand stops you. Ji-na twirls you around to face her, like a scene straight out of a cheesy drama. She's toe to toe with the doorman, facial features locked in what you know is supposed to be intimidation but on Ji-na it just looks like an angry kitten.

“If you won't let her upstairs, let's compromise. Your office?” she quirks an eyebrow, head jutting toward the door behind his podium. He contemplates this offer for a moment before relenting with a sigh, dropping a pair of keys into her hand.

“Don't tell your management about this, okay? She's not even supposed to be in the building at all.”

Ji-na throws him an obnoxious salute before yanking you into the room.

_______________________________________

Your heart-to-heart is long and full of anger, accusation, revelations, tears, laughter, giggling and so much more. While you're not ready to completely forgive her for leaving you behind that day, you've accepted the reality that Ji-na is one of the only friends that you have and you're not ready to let her go. She understands your continuing edginess with the situation and promises to do everything in her power to regain your trust and make it up to you.

You expected to leave with a heavier heart than you came with. Instead, most of the weight has lifted.

You only exit the doorman's office after Ji-na receives a text from one of her managers about a project meeting the group has soon. Her arm is around your side as she walks you to the front door, squeezing you tightly. “Please come visit a lot more. We have some off time coming up – would you mind terribly if I came to stay with you in Daejeon?”

You roll your eyes but your smile stays wide. “No, I wouldn't mind terribly. Just give me a heads up so I can stock up on soju and shrimp chips.”

She throws her head back to laugh loudly, bumping her hip to yours as the two of you take a few more steps toward the front door. “Yes! You know me so well! And you also have to make sure that you have tons of-”

“Y/N.”

The voice is jarring but immediately recognizable. Lifting your head, you meet the eyes of your previous manager. The last time you had seen him, he was loading your belongings into the back of a car that would send you right home. He gapes at you, gaze wide and shocked. Behind you, the doorman audibly groans.

“Um, he has nothing to do with this,” you hurriedly declare, throwing your thumb behind you in the groaning man's direction. “He was in the process of kicking me out, I swear. He's very good at his job. You guys should give him a raise. Okay, bye.”

You squeeze Ji-na's hand one final time before moving to scurry out of the building. For the second time today, fingers wrap around your wrist and pull you backward. You sigh as you yank your hand away. “A simple 'wait! stop!' would suffice. Why is everyone so grabby today? Look, I was just dropping off a birthday present for Ji-na. I promise that the doorman didn't let me go upstairs.”

“Y/N, I don't care about the doorman. I have something for you,” he says quickly before reaching into the tote bag that hangs around his shoulder. He rummages somewhat frantically for a few seconds before producing a business card, raising it into the air with pride and beaming as if it was the cure to a zombie outbreak. “You remember me telling you about one of my old co-managers for a different group who quit Hot Star and started working for P NATION?”

Your eyebrows furrow in confusion. This was not the greeting that you expected out of your former manager.

“Um … I think so. He's one of Hyuna's managers now, you said.”

“Yes!” he screeches, his chest heaving as if he has just finished running a marathon. You exchange a glance with Ji-na who looks equally perplexed. “Yes, he works with Hyuna. And he called me last week and said that Hyuna heard about everything that happened to you in the news. And so she started looking you up on YouTube and she thinks you're really talented and wants your contact information.”

It takes a few seconds for your brain to register everything that he has just said considering how quick, breathless and jumbled his words are. Ji-na is elbowing you excitedly in the ribs.

“I've tried asking Hot Star for your address but they wouldn't tell me anything. I was literally coming here to ask Ji-na to try to reach out to you so I could pass the information along but here you are! It's like fate!”

Ji-na throws her elbow much deeper this time, accompanying the jab with a sharp screech. You can see that there's something exciting happening but your brain isn't putting it all together yet.

“Um, why does Hyuna want my contact information? You said she heard about my situation in the news so she must know that I'm not with FRNZEE anymore, right? Or any company, for that matter. We can't collab or anything like that.”

Manager and Ji-na groan in unison, so in sync that it seems rehearsed.

“Y/N, please, are you really this dense? Do I need to dumb this down for you?”

You grimace but bat your eyelashes hopefully. “Would you?”

She sighs, slapping her hands down hard onto your shoulders. “Hyuna was kicked out of Cube for a dating scandal. Psy – who founded P NATION – signed her right after. You were kicked out of Hot Star for a dating scandal. And now Hyuna is contacting you. I mean, I'm just speculating here but there's no way this is a coincidence.”

Wait.

If she's saying what you think she's saying then …

Hyuna wants to contact you … to sign you … to P NATION?

All you were here to do was to drop off Ji-na's birthday present. After this, you were going to stop into a few cosmetic stores to stock up on some harder-to-find products and then treat yourself to a well-deserved oreo bingsu before heading home. Talking to Hyuna – arguably one of the most popular and influential females in the k-pop industry ever – about possibly signing with Psy's new agency was not in the forecast.

Realizing your stunned state, Manager smirks smugly, lifting your hand to drop the business card into before wrapping your fingers around it and letting it fall.

The card feels like fire in your palm.

“Y/N,” Ji-na's voice breaks through your haze. You glance up at her silently, her warm smile only heightening your nervousness. “Go home and call her. Listen to what she has to say or what she has to … offer. Okay? And then call me and tell me every little detail.”

“You guys, that can't be right. Hyuna and Dawn's scandal was different – they both admitted to being in the relationship. Nobody bullied or laughed at them. I … I'm a joke. Why would P NATION want to sign me? Do you think they're just going around plucking up poor little k-pop idols who are mistreated by their labels? No, they're smarter than that. They-”

A hand – belonging to either Manager or Ji-na, you're not sure which one – whacks you upside the head. The strength of the blow is painful but it has its desired affect – it shuts you right up.

“Stop it, Y/N,” Manager scolds. “What happened to you wasn't fair and we all know it. You worked so hard for FRNZEE and maybe this is your good karma. Maybe this is ...”

“Fate!” Ji-na squeals hysterically.

___________________________________

An hour later, you're sitting in the corner of the cafe by yourself, a heaping bowl of bingsu untouched in front of you. Instead, your eyes focus on the card that you've set down onto the table. You wonder if this is a prank; if someone from Hot Star is getting one last act of cruel revenge on you before parting ways completely.

But what if it's not?

What if this is what was always supposed to happen? Everything that has happened to you, everything that you've been through, everything that you've lost … was it for this? Half of you jitters in happiness at the prospect of being signed to a label that houses some of the greats – Psy, Hyuna, Jessi. But the other half of you mourns what you had to give up for this.

Namjoon.

Was this opportunity supposed to make you grateful for losing him? Are you supposed to feel like your breakup served some kind of purpose now?

It didn't. Most of the happiest moments you can remember are either with Namjoon or because of Namjoon. If the choice was your idol career or Namjoon then …

Why do you have to make a choice? Why can't you have both? Why is that wrong?

For the first time, you shift your eyes away from the P NATION logo and onto the phone number scrawled messily onto the bottom of the card.

Lifting your phone, you dial with trembling fingers.

< -- PREVIOUS CHAPTER || NEXT CHAPTER -- >

[justsomefluff]

Hi! May I request for a karaoke date ateez reaction? Their s/o doesn't have the best voice so they kind of act like crackheads but like fluffy at the same time? I hope that makes sense, I really like your writing!!!

Ok this is so cute... I wish karaoke was more popular in the US because it would be my fav thing to do every weekend.

Anyway I hope you like this!! <3

Hongjoong:

So, when Joong invites you to karaoke you’re kinda nervous bc

Joong can sing and his best friends are amazing singers too so like how’s he gonna react if you aren’t as good

When you get there he’s really excited and stuff and he lets you pick the first song

And you just pick one that you both know

But you pick more of a rap-style song so that you can just scream it without him judging too much lol

Even that ends up making you nervous though bc... Joong is a professional rapper

But you actually end up really enjoying yourself bc he’s being just as wild as you are

At the end of the date you don’t really understand why you had been nervous in the first place bc karaoke really is all fun and games

Plus Joongie would never dream of making you uncomfortable even if he was low-key like “I’m dating the world’s most tone-deaf person”

He’s totally blind about that stuff

Love-stricken puppy

Seonghwa:

(this was so cute I cant breathe)

Okay I feel like Seonghwa is a huge crackhead when he does karaoke

especially if it’s just you guys and he doesn’t feel pressured to be mature in front of his bandmates

I also feel like he would force you to choose only girl group songs

Let’s face it, if Ateez could turn into a girl group.... he’d do it in a heartbeat

The reason he would choose these songs is because he’s obsessed with girl group choreographies

So you wouldn’t even have time to focus on singing with him bc he’d be like

“AND STEP TO THE LEFT, SHOULDER MOVE, BABABA”

and you’re just watching him and laughing hysterically

until he tries to get you to dance with him and it’s like... dear god no

But it actually is super cute and soft bc he’s gentle and like guides your movements and stuff

So overall, I think for Seonghwa, karaoke isn’t even about the singing

Yunho:

Yunho is already insane though

So when you get to karaoke he’s already picking super difficult songs

like difficult even for him

So your nerves will melt away in seconds

Because he’ll start off with some crazy vocalists and then end up screaming for the notes he cant hit

And when it’s your turn, if he doesn't hear you being as crazy as he is he’s gonna be bitter

like “I just put my entire lungs into that song and you can’t even yell a little bit?”

Will definitely make you do a duet

And it’s a super romantic song right... not anymore

Even if it’s notes he has no problem hitting, he’s gonna do some terrible singing just for you baby ;)

Like totally off-key and dancing like an idiot just to make you smile

*insert random twerking*

But one thing about being crazy with Yunho is that you both get tired really fast and so you end up just listening to the tracks run while you slow dance and...

it’s so SOFT

Yeosang: 

He’s shy too

Don’t ask me why bc I mean the logic just isn’t there

“Yeosang, you literally sing for thousands of people...all the time... you’re nervous in front of just me though? Really?”

He’ll just nod... “it’s different. okay?”

But whatever

You’ll have to end up taking the lead even if you don't really want to

And like, you’re not that bad, you’re just a little harder on yourself

But Yeosang is just heart eyes the whole time

Big ole goofy smile

ends up finally joining in and serenading you

is actually really genuine about it until you get too shy and just start screaming the words back at him lmao

He’s totally caught off guard but also thinks its hilarious

You just spend the rest of the night screaming random lyrics at each other like you’re an up and coming metal band

Super fun but you definitely lose your voices the next morning

San:

Sannie best boy

He’s really intuitive about your feelings so when he told you he wanted to take you to karaoke he knew you were nervous about it pretty much immediately

wants to have fun with you though so he’s constantly assuring you that it’s not a big deal

says super cheesy stuff like “even if you’re the worst singer in the world and make me lose hearing in my right ear, I’ll still love you so much bb”

Him saying that actually helps though bc nothing you do could ever be as embarrassing as that lmao

Even if you are a bad singer, he’s gonna hype you the whole time

low-key coaches you too 

will randomly be like “so good, bb, just LOUDER”

But if you’re really uncomfortable he’ll get up and literally lose his mind

like he’ll become the literal definition of screeching into the void

Will not stop until you’re literally crying with laughter

then he’s gonna make you join in for the last song of the night

and you’re both screaming so thats fun

But then as you’re leaving, he’ll kiss you and tell you how much fun he always has with you

bc he’s a closet sentimental

places so much value on your time and just hopes you always enjoy yourself as much as he does :’)

Mingi:

Ok Mingi cant really sing either I mean I love him but have y'all heard him sometimes lmao

So if you go with him, I don't see how anyone could possibly be nervous bc you’re just gonna make fun of each other the whole time

like if he starts and you laugh at him he’ll be like “this is why I’m a rapper,  babe”

Will totally make fun of you just as hard though

like he’ll be calm for a little while but then all of a sudden he’ll be like “I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE”

and literally die laughing and say stuff like “Are my ears bleeding?”

and you’ll swat at him and stuff

boom, you’re now wrestling in the room you guys rented

it’s really fun though bc you guys just feel so comfortable around each other

singing in front of someone, even if both of you suck, is really intimate I think so

karaoke night just brings you guys closer

one of your favorite memories together

Wooyoung:

Okay this child is the definition of crackhead so

he’s not gonna take any of this stuff seriously

Like if there was a soundtrack for this date, it wouldn’t be any of the songs you sang at karaoke it would just be his hyena laugh on repeat

Bc that’s pretty much all you hear the whole night lmao

his voice tends to be on the higher side so naturally he chooses songs that are really low in pitch

Just because he thinks it’ll be funny

and he’s making weird faces as he tries to get his voice down the where the song needs it to be

Will make you do the same thing for any of your songs

like if your voice is low then you have to go high and vice versa

he doesn’t give you the opportunity to even try to be good bc he’s like

“you gotta scream it or else it isn't funny”

and you both have so many videos of each other singing terribly

perfect for blackmail

like later if you’re ever play fighting or something you’ll be like “Wooyoungie, one more word and I will tweet this for all Atiny to see”

but some videos are just for you bc you want that memory to be only between you guys bc it was so special

Jongho:

(HES SO CUTE DAMMIT)

This boy, I definitely understand if you get insecure about going with him okay

he’s got the vocal range of the century okay

and if he takes you to karaoke, he’s out to impress

so he’s gonna be performing his ass off for you and you’re just like :o

like “oh, it’s serious”

and then you’re making up excuses like “just keep singing I love your voice”

which is true, but you’re really only saying that at that moment so he won’t make you sing in front of him

but he’s gonna make you, you have no choice ok

if you’re nervous he’ll do funny stuff to show you that he doesn't care

like if you pick a ballad he’ll turn on his phones flashlight and wave it around and pretend to cry

and if you pick something more upbeat he’s gonna dance and pretend to be a fan or something super cheesy and dumb

just wants his baby to be comfortable :(

so even if you were uncomfy before, he’ll sing the last song and it’ll be super slow and he’ll hit you with that back-hug while he’s singing

so if the portion of the night when you were singing was awkward for you, you forget about it in the end bc boy took your breath away with his sweetness