#me venting about this on the website people go on to get asshurt in bad faith

[gangstalkerbarbie]

ok one of my biggest problems in life straight up is being too smart. this isn't a humblebrag i don't consider it a good thing i mean this in medical neurological terms, my shit is overclocked and theoretically capable of many concurrent subprocesses and my memory grips things and also dumps unnecessary information easily, the problem is that most of the processors are dedicated to all the new largely imaginary horrors this existence brings with it.

im like if to keep your computer happy (not inclined to explode) you had to run 3 resource intensive virtual machines on it at all times and keep it plugged in. i get depressed without levels of challenge and stimulation that border on the unhealthy but the thing is that i'm also a woman affected by female socialisation so if there are any consequences riding on it at all i also get depressed because what if i fail and lose the opportunity to ever try again?

im pretty sure i won't, but the anxiety is like life defining for me because so much has historically ridden for my family on me Not Fucking Fumbling the Bag

my teens were super traumatic and honestly I'm still working on unfumbling the bag

normally functioning people are obviously normally functioning, you know what you feel like, and there are people who process less information slowly and it honestly looks fucking rad to be all of you from up here too! i am capable of nothing you cannot do with a pen and paper and some patience and all i got was a stupid non-diagnosis and The Horrors Seething Beyond The Veil

i am so so sick of being aware of the horrors man. i love weed because it silences the horrors a little bit. i had never in my life been fully calm until the first time i got roasted.

i psychoanalyse the designers of the standardised tests i take. the worst thing is i'm right a concerning amount of the time for reasons that i don't understand, for lack of anybody like me in my life to validate that that did just happen (i'm allistic and need to feel safe in a pack to function at capacity). i have the strongest intuition out of every person in my life and all its made me is annoying because no one wants to hear all that

what the fuck does profoundly gifted mean anyways and what is it really actually good for on the personal level. when i recover from this period of acute personal trauma and this brain fog lifts im going to be on some sort of wizard shit that once again contributes nothing to society and endears me to no one, and unlike say the average autistic savant, objectively a happier lifeform than i, i am cursed by my pack animal wiring to care about that

im like one of those border collies nobody knows what the hell to do with. im like some sort of wolfdog that nobody signed up for get me out of here