#me thinking about cee holmes every day even after ten years?? more likely than you think | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gunmetalgrey-trashpile · 4 years ago

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medical draaaaaama with @consultingsister

SEVERIN

Severin Moran was supposed to be a doctor. He was supposed to be helping people. Five years of schooling, two years in the army, one treating frontline patients in crisis points to... being benched behind a desk to run budgets for each department, trying it squeeze pennies here and there just to make ends meet. He got to see a handful of patients, if any. Coming home was supposed to be more than this. He missed A&E more than he could possibly admit, and right now it was weighing on his shoulders more than usual. He used to have full faith in people. In her specifically. Cecelia Holmes was respected, brilliant and a once in a generation surgeon but adjusting the life support of a patient was… grounds for termination. Not to mention her being struck off.  The pager had practically vibrated off of his desk.

Crash on London Bridge, three casualties, multiple passers by injured. Once dead on the scene. He wore scrubs constantly, just in case for the awful moments like this when he had to sprint down to the first floor and prove himself. The son had made it into triage by the time he arrived, the second and third casualties still under assessment when the daughter began to code. The head of the emergency room should have handled it, but he was closer. He was the official call in this moment. John Watson grabbed the shock cart, more people moving around them to try and support the situation. He ignored the two Sebastian Morans at the emergency room doors, everything else melted into he background.

Third shock, almost twenty full minutes of chest compression and he absolutely refused to call it. He kept going, the muscles in his arms burning but he couldn’t give it up. Long enough for someone to page Cecelia. He didn’t even notice in the fray, he was too focused on the patient. Early twenties, brown matted hair, heavy streaked eyeliner and-

The ringing of the heart monitor and the call of the alarms meant nothing. He had to keep going.

CECELIA

Celia loved a panic. It was sick, she knew but she also knew that almost every doctor on the floor felt the same, whether they admitted it or not. It was a time to prove yourself; it make your heart best like nothing else on the earth. And Cee was riding high. She had been in with of the first casualty; the medics were ready to call it but she met them all the door. While male, thirty-two, glass shards making their way to his heart.

It was almost too easy; she didn’t even need to bring him into surgery.

It was odd to see Celia on the floor in scrubs. It was almost like it’s own alarm bell. Cecelia Holmes has taken off her heels, run for cover. A car crash was also a wonderful distraction from thinking too much about what Sev was going to do. Which weighed more? His love for her or his moral code. Cee used to love that he was a good person, unwavering in it, but now it felt like another roadblock to her success.

She was in between check ups when she got the page. A small gathering at the door, as if there wasn’t anything better to look at. She didn’t need the whispered explanation from Nurse Emma. She could see it in his face, sweat dripping from his forehead. Twenty minutes in. There was nothing left to save. “Clear the room,” she barked. Then her voice softened. “Severin...” her eyes flash to John, then to the two nurses who remained. Down with the ship, she guesses. “Sev.”

A little firmer, she tries again, this time reaching for his shoulder. “Doctor Moran. You have to call time of death. There is nothing you can do now. Step away, take a breath, call it.” She speaks as if it’s easy. “Sev.... you can stop now.” SEVERIN He didn't even hear her barking orders in an emergency room that wasn't hers to control. He simply kept on going. Saying his name wasn't going to pull him away from the job at hand, he had to help people, he had to do... something. Initially he leant backwards at the hand on his shoulder, letting himself be moved so carefully. But he didn't take a breath. He turned to face Cecelia, glassy eyed and hands still shaking with adrenaline. It was his call. And he couldn't save anyone. "Time..." He started out with his voice unsteady, swallowing before he could carry on. He puffed up his chest, his eyes momentarily dropping tot he floor before his brow tightened and all the fury was back in his body again. Severin brushed her hand away roughly, shoving past her to stand next to John. "Time of death 19:57."

He wasn't about to hang around for a lecture she had no right to give. What was she even doing there?

CECELIA

She wasn’t used to being at the receiving end of... what? His bad mood? Sounds a little flat. His hatred? She could hardly bear the thought. He was always sweet with her. Even after the baby, the weeks that bled into months where was cold, dismissive, sometimes outright cruel. He forgave and forgot. It wouldn’t be so simple this time.

She turned back to John but he stopped her, “I’ve got this. Go.”

“I owe you.” She moved quickly from the room. Second sign of an emergency; Cecelia Holmes running. “Doctor Moran.”

It still sounded funny in her mouth to call him doctor. Maybe she still saw him as the kid from her biology class; maybe that was the problem. Cee needed to adapt, needed to see him as a doctor, her boss. Only technically. “Doctor, can I please speak with you? Where are you going?”

SEVERIN

He didn’t stop. He just kept moving, waiting for her to follow him into a completely empty OR, not that he had planned it well. His pager wasn’t going off so he couldn’t claim to be urgently needed elsewhere, his anger and frustration piling on in heaps. He had been so good at staying calm and collected before he came back to work here. With her.

“Don’t.” He didn’t want to see her right now, let alone be forced to listen to stupid justification as to why his saviour complex got in the way of him actually doing his job. “You don’t get to lecture me on life and death, what the hell do you fucking know?”

Severin rallied, rounding on her with those icy eyes that gave away his inner turmoil. He was quiet, despite his rage. Enough so that nothing would carry back to a busy ER.

“You don’t get to speak with me, not now.”

CECELIA

“I know!” Cee wasn’t do adept at keeping her voice down. Sev’s anger was always icy when hers was fire. Hot, unstoppable; people were likely to get burnt. She pressed her lips together, trying to keep it together. “I know that the best thing I could have done for Jennier Ried was let her die on my table. Or, better yet, not have pushed for the surgery at all so she could have died at home, with her family, peacefully. But instead, because of my pride, I kept her alive when it was her time to go. And now she is a fucking vegetable, Sev! With her mother coming in every single fucking day. Losing a child is hard but this...”

She gave a growl of frustration, covering her face and turning away from him. She should tell him it was a mistake; a bad decision made at the end of a long shift. That she was grateful that he stopped her. Even if it was a lie. It was save her career, it would save their relationship.

Cee turned back, closing the space between them. “You weren’t saving that patient. They were gone Sev, you were trying to save yourself. Everyone in that room knew it.”

SEVERIN

"No. No the best thing you could have done was stick to letter of the law. There are rules Cecelia. You cannot make yourself the arbiter of life and death, although how would you know? It's not like you have ever had that control taken away from you." He snarled. There was hardly two feet between them.

He reached out for her shoulder, pulling her to face him again. No, she didn't get to do this.

"I don't need saving. I am fine, I'm the only sane one here."

Severin pushed her, heading straight for the doors of the OR as if he was ready to head straight back to work.

CECELIA

“You are drowning, Moran.”

She knows because she’s been there herself. She knows because putting him in the position to keep her secrets was as good as shoving him under the water. She moved past him quickly, leaning against the door. He could easily move her, she knew that, but she hoped it would be enough.

“You have been since you came back to London. Fighting with Bash, you’ve been short with interns. I have never seen you like this. I fucked up, I know that! I know I am making your life hard, but please, I can help. This can’t go on, Sev. It’s a race to see who you kill first; yourself or.a patient.”

SEVERIN

“I have to be fine, because I clearly can’t trust anyone. Look at you, I had total faith and you just...”

He stopped dead in his tracks, glaring her down completely. It was hilarious now how many times he could think he had hit breaking point only to realise there was still deeper he could sink to.

“How would you know? You shut me out. You didn’t care when things were at their worst, stop acting like you care now. It’s not going to change my mind, you pretending that there’s a second chance just to save your bloody career. You need to move.”

CECELIA

"Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare." Without meaning to, without even realising she was doing it, she shoved him. He was right that Cecelia didn't like losing control but she was wrong that she never did. "I have never ever cared more than when we lost--" her throat constrict.

"Yes, I shut you out afterwards but that was not because i did not care. I didn't know how to handle how much I cared, Sev. I lost your baby. And I could do nothing, say nothing to bring her back for you. But you left, you picked a war zone over staying with me."

She doesn't want to cry but she can feel the sharp stinging at the corner of her eyes. "I do care now, I cared then and I care now. Fire me, honestly, if that will lift a weight off your shoulders but you know I made good calls, nine out of ten times, I made a good call even if it's not textbook."

SEVERIN

Severin stepped backwards. This was hardly enough to break through to him, even with how much the admission had cost her emotionally. “Really? You put your career first, and always. Clearly above patients. Clearly above us, any chance there was here? It’s gone. Don’t question my calls, don’t undermine me in front of my staff. I am your boss. Remember that.”

He didn’t even want to hear it. “I left to do my god damn job, now step aside.”

CECELIA

"I am willing to lose my job to give a family some peace, Sev. How the hell is that putting my career first?" She knew her argument was weak. What Celia called colouring outside the lines most would call gross negligence. She stands taller against the door, bracing herself.

"No." Her hand wrapped around the door handle and she realised she might even be a little scared of him. Just last week she'd watched him subdue a drink man twice his size in A&E, he could throw her across the room if he wanted to.

SEVERIN

Head shaking, he stepped back again. He moved to the operating table, pressing his palms to it with a deep breath in order to press out some of the anger. He couldn’t do this right now. In a flash, he kicked out tossing a tray across the room in a clattering racket before huffing like an idiot.

His hands moved to his face, his fingers pressing into the flesh with the stress. “I need to get out there before they loose anyone else. Let me go.”

CECELIA

"You have not been paged, I have not been paged. You are not currently in a fit state to look to patients and I have no intention on letting you leave before you have calmed down."

She gripped onto the door handle tighter, trying not to shake. Strike that, she was a lot scared. She had jumped as the tray hit the floor but now moved forward, away from the door, pulling hands hand away from his face and replacing them with her own. "Look at me, look at me Sev. You cannot save everyone. Not everyone lives. Not my patient, not yours. Not the baby. Not Alex. But so many do live. So many people have gone on to live because of what you did for them. Me included Sev. I am only alive today because of you. You saved me. Let me help you, please."

SEVERIN

“What are you going to do for me, huh?” He pulled away again, pacing like a caged animal. He needed to be busy and just... not think. “How’s putting me in positions were there is no right choice going to help?!”

Severin hadn’t told a soul, and it was the very first time he had disobeyed his own moral code. There was flexibility when it came to the law and high pressure situations but not this.

“I can’t think straight around you. Sam is right, you get in my head. And you just...”

He stopped DEAD IN HIS TRACKS, closing his eyes to breathe in deep through his nose and out through his mouth slowly. “The last thing I want from you right now is whatever your idea of help is.”

CECELIA

“Jessica is brain dead and I am the best surgeon on your staff. You saw me with my hand on the switch, that’s it. There is a right choice.” She almost instantly regretted that. She was right, but it wouldn’t help. Cee moved towards him again.

“Sam is not right. After your punch up with Bash, who did you come see? You said it yourself, you sleep better in my bed. How can you tell me I don’t help?”

It’s a risky move but she stops him, hands back on his face, she kisses him. Hard and urgent, desperate to the through to him. “I love you, i love you. Don’t leave me. I love you.”

Even Cecelia isn’t sure what she is more panicked about; losing him or losing her job but the two seem connected now. It’s their fourth year all over again and her planned future is going down the drain. “I love you”.

SEVERIN

She was the best surgeon on his staff, that he couldn’t argue with. Largely because she took the risks no one else wanted to. It was infuriating that she could be so damn right all the time.

The kiss made him want to relent, forget the chaos going on around them and just kiss her back. Only it wasn’t that simple. Severin lingered longer than he should have, kissing her back with as much frustration and urgency as she had. He slept better in her head, he found life easier by her side but this hurt deeply. Not just her actions, but confronting him like trying to do his all was the wrong move.

“No- no. Don’t say that. Not now.” She knew the buttons she was pressing and this time around he wouldn’t play into her hands so easily. Severin pulled away, pulling her hands down from his face.

“You can’t love me when it’s convenient for you.”

CECELIA

The OR light bounced from the table and onto her face, reminisce of the lighting in black and white movies. She twisted her mouth and her eyes gleamed. She thought she had worked it out this time. Done the right maths. Right time, right place. They could make it work this time.

But he was still Sev and she was still Cee. Not enough had changed. Or everything had, she couldn't tell.

She opened her mouth but a incessant beeping from her waist band cut her off. Looking dow to her check her message, she sniffs. "Loving you... is absolutely never convenient for me. I just do it anyway." She looks into his face and smiles saddly. "We have to go. Second wave."

SEVERIN

Her pager beeped. His was completely silent. He didn’t break his concentration on her face, trying to understand where he should even be in this mess. If she had said those three little words at any other point then he’d be over the moon. The problem lay in the delay, that now apparently there was weight to them.

“Debrief me before you leave.” He still knew it was stupid to send her into surgery unsupervised be he really didn’t have a choice. “I have a family to call.”

CECELIA

"Sir yes sir." Her smile grew tight. How could he treat her like she was a liability? Her almost perfect track record of general surgery. Who else on her level had that?

The next five hours are a blur. Two minor procedures, one surgery, one shower. By the time she's found him in his office, she's out of scrubs and back in her power suit, heels on, ready for her own battle. She knocks, even though the door is open. "Did I ever tell you I applied for this job when you did? I mean--- thank god I didn't get it. It's sort of make you a dick." Her pleading tone is gone. She's pissed at him. It feels like he is holding her job over her head.

"I'm here you to tell you I didn't kill anyone today. Same as yesterday, same as the day before. I even managed to fit in a scheduled surgery, which brought int he hospital about... hm, ten thousand in billable hours, I think? I'm not an accountant, but I think that's my going rate."

SEVERIN

He should have stopped her. This wasn't about oversight, in fact, he was too invested in a family that had lost two members in one day- in spite of his attempt to help. He wanted to know that there was a chance the other two made it to the end of his shift.

Severin watched her move through the doors, and away from the emergency room. His first call was to Sam, to put him on the ground. Right now, the poor second would be starting his shift with a fresh mind and fresher hands. It was going to be easier on both of them.

He insisted on calling the relatives himself, trying to bury himself in the budget and not watch the hours tick by. He'd managed it, well, his eyelids were drooping as the knock on the door cut through his thoughts.

"Right." His steam had blown off entirely, calmer again. Almost rational. "That sounds about right. I've been running the numbers so I can believe it."

Severin stood up, hands shoved awkwardly in his pockets in a way that would seem achingly familiar. His head tilted awkwardly, charmingly. As if he had never lost his cool. "I think we need to talk, don't you?"

CECELIA

Cecelia paused in the doorway, stuck between an adult and telling him to suck it. However, in the best interests of her own career, she took off her coat and closed the door behind her.

She wishes she had something smart to say, she seems to for everything else but all she can think to say is... you look tired. She wants to take him into leaving with her, maybe even taking some holiday time like normal people. "I meant everything I said before but I can't-- I cannot lose my job Sev. St Thomas' would never sign off on you letting me go so you'd have to have me struck off. Are you seriously considering that?"

SEVERIN

He leant against his desk, propping himself up.

"Just -listen." He raised a hand, trying to get her to give him time. Tired was one way to put it. Total and complete exhaustion was another.

"We've been fighting, in one way or another since I go here. I'm not saying I didn't deserve some of it, but somewhere along the line- we made a good team." Late night study sessions right up to trial parenting. There was nothing they couldn't do, as long as the did it together. Maybe in the months of moving around each other, he'd lost sight of what the real goal was.

"I need to trust you to work with me. You love me, then you know I've only ever got your best interest. And the patients, because there's a situation where the two aren't exclusive." This was the biggest risk of his career, and maybe more. What other alternative was there? He couldn't report her, it was just not going to happen. "I am not going anywhere alright? I love you, but don't use it against me."

CECELIA

A weight lifts. The sky clears. She moved to the door and back to the desk; he’s not going to tell! She should be more sorry, more solemn but she can’t help but. She wants to shout out! She’s keeping her job!

“Yes, I promise. I love you, I really do.” She covers her face with her hands to hide her grin. They’re parents, of course he wasn’t going to let her go. She stares at him for a moment and then laughs, a mister of relief and something else.

“Look at you... behind a desk... pushing papers and working out budgets. That’s... that’s sick.” No wonder he is losing his mind.

SEVERIN

The relief was palpable, but he wasn't finished. "Wait. It's not that simple. Brain dead or otherwise, that's never your call to make. This ever happens again, I'm reporting us both. I can't let you do that Cee. I'm not asking you to be sorry, but I am asking you to promise me that will never, ever happen in my operating rooms again. Am I clear?"

He kept his voice steady, his posture loose. He was very much pulling the boss card, but trying to make it look like there was something more than work that was driving him. This was a huge mistake, the issue was that that the alternative didn't bare thinking about.

"Pays well. Paperwork or CPR, that's what I seem t have signed up for." His blonde hair was growing lighter around the sides, his laughter lines deeper in the dim evening light as it shifted into the early hours of the morning. Just because he wore his weariness well didn't make it any less obvious.

"Starting to see why the job was so available. Poor Lelia, I'm pretty sure she's reserved a bed in the psych ward for the day I finally push her over the edge."

CECELIA

"I promise I will never put you through this again. Ever. With anything." It wasn't a lie, per se, but it wouldn't have made it harder to say even if it was. She would say anything she needed to, as long as he allowed her to cut. To heal someone more optimistic might say. But she would be careful. She would make good, by the book decisions, for a couple months and she wouldn't allow herself ot be in the position again of having a brain dead patient.

She moved around his desk, pulling his arms around her. "You're very clear. And you're very bossy. You're right, I need to stop seeing you as my study-buddy and start seeing you as my boss. Only technically," she allows another grin to grow on her rep lips. "And only when we're here."

Cee wished she couldn't hear the little voice in her head, the wicked nagging little sound that she was sure she inherited from her father. You've got him wrapped around your finger, you're safe now, clever you. It wasn't fair. This wasn't planned. She wasn't going to take advantage of this, of him. She could be better with him.

"I think we're all going going there eventually. Or to hell, I don't know which I'd prefer."

SEVERIN

It wasn’t lost on him that her career was the only constant in her life. She had used it as ammunition to push him away, her only real defiance against her father. When they had pulled apart, she had sought refuge in it. If it came down to a choice...

Severin let himself be moved into holding her, even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted right now. It was impossible to read her, and even worst to be stuck second guessing her motivations. Of course this was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

“Makes a change, doesn’t it?” He pressed his forehead against hers with a heavy sigh. “Don’t know either. Depends how much paperwork there is in hell. It’s bad excel has me missing Helmand, right?”

He moved back for peace and quiet, and yet in the year he had been here it has been anything but. Constant battles with family, with the board, with Sam.. he was a very different person to the easy going doctor that had agreed to the position. How could helping people twist him up like this?

“I think it’s safe to say today wasn’t subtle. And that I owe John and apology for acting like a prat in his emergency room.”

CECELIA

As his forehead lent against hers, she knew she was safe. Maybe for the rest of her career. It was an accident, in fact she had ever intention of not going near Severin Moran ever again but--

"These things happen." She lifted her chin to kiss his head and then leant against him again. "I've seen John lose it with interns more times than I can count. Even doctors have bad days and A&E seems to get the brunt of it." Even she, infallible Cecelia, had lost her cool once or twice.

"We should get away-- oh, we should go to Italy! Take a whole week off, forget this place even exists. No beepers, no excel, no Bash or Seb!" She gives a little giggle. "Come on, boss."

SEVERIN

It was torture to know he hadn't even finished for the day. He also wanted to head to the ICU, check on the family himself since she didn't seem to have any news. Severin softened further, the tension in his shoulders dropping at her gentle kiss in a way that showed at leas the physical stress had left his body. She was right. A&E was always where tensions were highest, he knew that from his own experience. If that had been his department back in Bristol though he would want to have a chat and make sure all was fine. Maybe he could grab a pint... if it wasn't nearly 2am again. One day he would leave here at a reasonable hour.

"We should." A trip back to paradise would be a welcome break. Maybe if he did a trade off, left Sam for a week and gave him a week in return... "I think that would be perfect. I've got another half hour, you should head home. No point waiting for me, I'm going to be awful company..."

He'd still head back to her flat, slip in quietly and close his eyes for a few hours. Better than the mattress on the floor and empty fridge he was living with in Bermondsey.

#discord thread 005 | cee and sev drama #v; ⋱ science and progress ⋰ ⦙ |*| ( angsters anatomy au )#the golden boy | (severin)#consultingsister #death tw #injury tw #medical tw #medicine tw #blood tw #idk this is medical drama content ok pls just be aware it's all nonsense with science

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