#me standing by the window shivering cold watching the festivities inside wondering what went wrong

[spiritcc]

So does the general russian/soviet sherlock holmes segment not have any meta posts because nobody is bothering with it or because there is nothing to discuss at all

[perspective-series]

Kingdom Perspective (20)

By: @arc852 and @hiddendreamer67

Warnings: Fear, panic, kidnapping, keeping/treating people like pets, threats, and unwanted touching/grabbing

First Chapter || Previous Chapter || Next Chapter

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 Patton did his best to duck down as he met a few Giants gazes, but thankfully most of them seemed focused on the dog bounding straight for Roman, who was on the throne next to Logan’s.

 Roman’s eyes widened as Starbucks bounded into the hall and he stood up as he realized she was coming for him, apparently.

“What on Earth?!” Picani jumped up on his seat, and he was not alone in this action. “Whose dog is that?”

 Remy blinked, standing up from the crowd. “Uh, she would be...mine.” Remy admitted, face paling and wondering how the heck she had gotten in here.

 At this point everyone was talking over each other and standing up and the disturbance, the dog making her way to Roman during all this. She barked at him and it was then that Roman noticed her tiny passengers. Except...one, they were supposed to be back home already and two...there were three of them.

 Huh.

 Despite the shock, he wasted no time in scooping them up as Remy gave over and grabbed his dog by the collar. “I am so sorry about her.” Remy apologized. But Roman wasn’t paying much attention to him, glancing towards Logan instead and subtly motioning towards the humans in his hands.

Logan’s eyes widened, beginning to get a tiny ounce of the severity of the situation. He stood up, using his regal voice as he put out his hands to calm the panicking crowd. “Now now, there is no need for all this fuss! Clearly the hound was just as willing to celebrate as the rest of us. And Celebrate we shall. If you would kindly follow my royal advisor, the kitchen staff has prepared a regal reception for the festivities in my honor. There is much dancing and feasting to be had for all, so please, let us forget this slight setback and let the merriment begin.”

A chorus of cheers rose up at his announcement. Slowly Emile got off his chair, hastening forwards to lead the crowd.

“Remy, I do suggest that you take your dog back to your chambers.” Logan said out of the corner of his mouth.

 Remy nodded and lead is dog out of the hall.

 Roman leaned closer to his brother. “I’m going to my room. Meet me there as soon as you can.” Roman whispered.

Logan nodded, his smile just for show fading into a more determined look as he followed the crowd out into the banquet hall. Roman snuck out the other direction, neither brother noticing the sorcerer who watched from the shadows.

 Roman carefully ducked into his room, closing it behind him and putting the humans on his table. He looked at all of them, but mostly at the one he had never seen before. He was so confused and happy at the same time. “You...You guys are supposed to be home by now. And who are you?” Roman asked.

“Yeah, turns out your crackpot wizard is super evil.” Virgil shivered, still a bit freezing. “This is Thomas, my brother. The one who I told you about because I thought he was dead but apparently he’s just been here all that time.”

 Roman’s eyes widened at that. “Wait, what?” He turned to Thomas, who waved nervously.

 “Uh, hi.” He said and Roman blinked.

 “But...how? We were never told about you.” Roman said and Thomas shrugged.

 “Dee kept me a secret, cause he...liked me?” Thomas shivered at that. “Uh, but then I escaped and he didn’t want anyone knowing about his failure so he showed Patton off as the first human.” Thomas explained.

 Roman blinked. “Oh.” He collapsed into his chair with a long sigh. “So...Dee is evil?”

 Patton nodded. “Yep.”

 “That doesn’t really surprise me, to be honest.” Roman said, he just wished he had listened to that gut feeling earlier.

“Me neither.” Virgil muttered. “Oh, right, introductions. Uh, Thomas, this is Roman. He’s chill now.”

 “Hi, Roman. Thank you for not treating my brother like a pet anymore.” Thomas said and Roman winced at that. Great thing to be reminded of.

 “Yes, well, I should have realized sooner.” He coughed awkwardly and looked at all of them again. He blinked as he finally took in Virgil’s appearance. “...Virgil? Are you okay?”

“Y’know, a lot of people keep asking me that.” Virgil gave a sheepish grin, nearly shivering his boots off as he gave a sneeze. “Ah, not particularly, no.”

 “Dee threw him in freezing cold water and he almost drowned!” Patton revealed and Roman’s eyes widened.

 “What?!” He quickly scooped Virgil up, holding him close to his chest for warmth. He was going to kill Dee.

 Thomas blinked at the protective nature of Roman to his brother and couldn’t help but smile at that. If he didn’t think before that Roman was good, he did now.

“Uh, yeah, that.” Virgil winced in memory, tucking closer to Roman’s chest. “Don’t suppose you have any of my clean clothes still here, do you? These ones are still pretty soaked…”

 “Of course.” Roman went over to the drawer, taking out some of the clothes Roman had gotten Virgil before. He handed them to Virgil. “Here and uh…” He set Virgil down on the desk and brought out the privacy curtain from the bath. Thankfully, he still had it in here. “Alright, go ahead and change.”

Virgil took advantage of both, mercifully getting out of his sopping wet rags. Of course, at this point there was little use as Virgil already felt a cold coming on, but it was still a relief to be in dry clothing again.

“That’s much better.” Virgil sighed, walking out in pants and one of the hoodies Roman had gifted him.

 As soon as Virgil came out, Roman scooped him up again. “Alright, you are definitely getting some rest now.” Roman said.

 “I second that.” Thomas chimed in. 

 “And I third that!” Patton exclaimed.

Just then, there was a knock at the door, the recent king poking his head inside. “What happened?” Logan’s eyes widened, confirming the humans were here. He closed the door behind him, joining the group and finding a newcomer. “...who are you?”

 “Uh, I’m Thomas.” He introduced himself. “Virgil’s brother.”

 Patton went over running towards Logan, grinning wide, glad to see Logan again despite the circumstances. “Logan!”

Logan gave a grin of his own, scooping up Patton and hugging him to his chest. “Patton, not that I’m not thrilled to see you, but why in heaven’s name are you here?”

 Patton snuggled into Logan’s chest but frowned at the question. “Dee...put us in cages and refused to send us home.” Patton revealed.

 “And apparently dunked Virgil into ice cold water and almost killed him!” Roman exclaimed, still cradling Virgil to his chest.

“What?” Logan looked shocked at this information. “But, that shouldn’t be possible. I gave him an order, he should be forced to obey.”

“It’s ‘cause you weren’t king yet.” Virgil huffed. “He got all snooty about that detail.”

 “Yeah, I’ve learned that Dee doesn’t exactly follow the rules.” Thomas said, gaining everyone’s attention. It was weird, after being alone for so long and trying to avoid any attention. “After all, I was the first human Dee brought and he kept me a secret.”

“Why?” Logan was once again confused. “He seemed so excited to share Patton with father, why not you?”

 “Apparently, he wanted to keep me all to himself. I was his...favorite, I guess.” Thomas said, looking down. Without his permission, he got lost in his memories.

---------------

*flashback*

--------------

 Thomas rubbed his hands down his face as he walked into the night. His fight with Virgil was still prominent in his mind. He sat down on a bench in an empty playground. He let out a long sigh as he leaned back, looking up into the night sky. He was just trying to look out for Virgil but...maybe he was doing it wrong. Obviously, if Virgil reacted like that.

 He closed his eyes, letting his mind calm down.

Meanwhile, in another world, Deceit’s mind was racing as a storm brewed in his laboratory.

“Come on, nearly there…” The sorcerer murmured, at this point grabbing ingredients nearly at random and dumping the contents into the writhing cauldron. A large puff of violet smoke arose from it with a shriek, making Deceit cough.

“More eye of newt.” Deceit tore into his supplies. “And pickled toenail.”

With these additions the cauldron simmered down, now a murky grey. “And then...A single drop…” Deceit hesitantly let one drop of liquid fall from the eye dropper, worried another explosion was imminent. However, as he braced for impact, Deceit was shocked to see the contents did not explode. Instead, with a pleasant hum, the murky mixture became clear as a window, showcasing a world that was not his own.

“...I did it.” The wizard stated, almost in disbelief as he stared at the tiny land. “I did it!” In triumph he moved the image around, taking in the scenery. The houses looked strange, fixtures of sharp angles and made of flimsy material. And as he scrolled about, gazing at the various unimpressive features, one figure in particular caught his eye.

Deceit paused, transfixed. There it was- a human. The little creature looked full grown, yet would hardly be larger than Deceit’s own gloved hand. 

When he thought of the appendage, Deceit looked at it, examining the way his fingers flexed. Was it possible his scry was powerful enough for him to reach through the barrier? Well, only one way to test. Rolling up his sleeve, Deceit plunged his arm into the cauldron.

 The night had been silent, so when a low hum started, Thomas easily picked it up. He opened his eyes to take a look around, only for them to go wide at the sight that greeted him in the sky. 

 A...hand. A giant, gloved hand was coming down from the sky. And, Thomas realized, it was coming straight for him. Not wasting any time, he jumped off the bench in a panic and started to run.

Deceit gasped, shocked to see the portal actually worked as a two-way connection. However, he could waste no time marveling at his own skill. The human- his human, Deceit declared- was getting away. Quickly Deceit lunged further, feeling his fingers wrap around the impossibly fragile form.

 “Ah!” Thomas screamed, kicking and punching as fingers wrapped around his entire body. This had to be some sort of dream, right? But the feeling of skin on his own and the heat coming from them, seemed far too real. “Help! Someone help!” He screamed, despite not knowing what anyone else would be able to do.

“Oh, that won’t do.” Deceit shook his head. He retracted his hand, pulling his delicate prize back into the real world. He held the human up, tilting it this way and that as he took in every marvelous detail.

 Thomas probably should have expected it, it only made sense that a giant hand would be attached to a, well, giant. But he was nowhere near ready to see those larger than life eyes staring down at him. Looking at him like he was a prize he had just won. “I-I don’t…” He looked down to see where he had come from, only to see an image of the park in a cauldron. Looking around the room showed him that everything now matched the size of the giant before him. “What’s-What’s going on…?” He stuttered out.

“You, my little one, have just been chosen for a greater purpose.” Deceit purred, unaware of how the cauldron’s image had begun to appear murky once more as the contents bubbled up.

 “Wh-What? No! I-put me back!” Thomas shouted, struggling even more. He did not like the way this giant was talking. What did he even mean?

Deceit scowled, irritated at the human’s cheek. “Don’t talk back to me in that tone.” He raised his free hand, flicking the human in the side of the head.

 “Ah!” Thomas yelled in pain. Tears sprung in his eyes as he was forced to keep his head down as the flick had caused his head to pound against his skull. A bruise was definitely already forming there.

“Now, there there.” Deceit cooed, brushing his thumb against the wound in a soothing manner. First pain, then healing. It was the nature of all things that to build anew, first you must break down what was already present. 

Yes, this human would do nicely. But despite his duty to serve the king, Deceit knew he would not be sharing this side project with royalty just yet. Let them wait until he could recreate the experiment and gain secondary scraps. This human would be a prime lab rat, for Deceit to observe and train on his own as he studied the peculiar creature’s habits. 

“That’s it, little human.” Deceit gave a sly grin. “You’re all mine now.”

--------------

End flashback

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 “Thomas?” Patton’s voice called out, shaking Thomas out of his memories. 

 “Huh? Oh,” he realized he had blanked there for a few moments. “Sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Virgil frowned down at his brother, now that he was dry just wanting to cling to Thomas again.

 Roman seemed to sense this and set Virgil down near Thomas. Thomas smiled at him. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just got uh...lost in some old memories.” He revealed.

Virgil rubbed Thomas’ back comfortingly. He knew the feeling, and he’d definitely be asking Thomas about that later. But for now, Thomas deserved his privacy, especially since he was still anxious around the giants (for good reason).

 “Anyway, we can’t trust Dee.” Thomas said, looking down. Patton nodded in agreement.

 Roman frowned and turned to Logan. “Well, now what do we do? Dee was their only way home!”

“Well, given that the loophole was that I wasn’t king, now that I’ve been crowned we could try again. With supervision, of course.” Logan put a hand to his chin. “Then again, I’m not sure if the same magical laws of obedience apply if I give the command twice. Not to mention, even if he didn’t weasel his way out of it a second time we can rest assured he would not perform his duties with care.”

 “And who’s to say he won’t try something?” Roman raised an eyebrow. “What if instead of sending them back he just makes it look like he did? Or what if he simply takes them again once we’re gone?” Roman huffed, crossing his arms. “I don’t feel good about getting Dee’s help again.”

 “You and me both.” Thomas muttered.

“We could attempt to give more commands to prevent that, but I agree that with his sly personality he would surely twist my words to his own benefit.” Logan looked a bit stumped. “I wonder if it’s possible to get a new sorcerer… I certainly can’t keep him around in good conscience.”

 “While I want to get rid of him...while I was with him he made it clear he had worked long and hard on this spell. I think it might be of his own creation, meaning...I don’t think some other sorcerer can mimic it.” Thomas spoke up.

 Patton blinked but then he thought back. “I think...I remember him saying that too, to your father.” He told the giants.

 Roman bit his lip. “Well...that certainly isn’t good if true.”

“Then I suppose I’ll just have to word my orders carefully and we’ll take that risk.” Logan decided.

“You can’t just leave him with all those magic tools!” Virgil insisted. “What if he takes other humans, too?”

 “Yes, that could be a problem.” Roman agreed. “We just found out that he took Thomas without any of us knowing, after all.” He said, motioning towards said human.

“He took Thomas before Patton, and father only gave the order to not take any more afterwards. I think it’s safe to say no more humans are running about in the castle.” Logan assured him.

“But what about now?” Virgil asked, having no idea how these magic rules worked. “I mean, your dad isn’t king now, so does Dee still have to follow those rules or are a bunch of humans at risk as we speak?”

 “He makes a good point.” Roman said as he looked at Logan.

 Thomas was still looking down as he thought long and hard. But really, when it came to Virgil? The choice was an easy one. “I...I think I might know a way to assure Dee stays in line.”

 Roman blinked in surprise. “Oh? Well go on Thomas, tell us!”

 Thomas swallowed the lump forming in his throat. “In exchange for Virgil and Patton to go home...I stay here with him.”

“No.” Virgil said firmly, clutching his brother’s arm and giving him a stern look. 

 “I have to agree with Virgil.” Patton said, giving his own stern look. “If we go home, we’re all going home.”

 Thomas shook his head. “Look, I know it’ll be hard but if it’s the only way then I am more than willing to do it.”

“Then we’re not going home.” Virgil said stubbornly. “We’ll just stay here.”

“That’s not practical.” Logan reminded him. “Not to mention, this world is dangerous for humans.”

 “Sure took you long enough to reach that conclusion but yes, I agree. As much as I want you all to stay, it really isn’t safe.” Roman said, looking at the three of them with sad eyes. “That being said, Thomas you are going home as well. No buts about it. We’ll find a way to get the three of you home.”

 Thomas bit his lip but looked down. “Okay.” He sighed.

“How, though?” Virgil pressed. “If Dee’s the only one with this spell, and Dee won’t help us… I mean, it kind of feels like we’re stuck.”

 “Yes...it does appear that way, doesn’t it?” Roman admitted. He turned to Logan. “Well, Mr. King, having any ideas?” Roman asked.

“Your Royal Highness.” Logan corrected under his breath, more out of habit than a need for titles.

 Roman rolled his eyes. “Whatever, do you have a plan or not? Cause if it was up to me, honestly I would probably execute him, he did commit treason by disobeying a direct order and he almost killed Virgil!” As he said this, he scooped Virgil up again, holding him close to his chest.

“Roman!” Virgil protested, not a fan of being separated from his brother.

“Well…” Logan considered the proposition, softly rubbing his finger along Patton’s side. “Execution is not unreasonable, but it would be unwise for me to pursue that as a first act as king. His magic is connected to the throne. In exchange for obedience, he is granted enhanced abilities. If I formally denounce him, it would strip him of magical skill.”

 “I think that’s a lot better than killing him.” Thomas spoke. Despite Dee not being...the best, which was a large understatement, Thomas didn’t think he deserved to die.

 Roman, on the other hand, huffed. “Did you miss the part where I said he almost killed Virgil! Is taking away his magic really enough punishment?”

“Roman!” Virgil smacked the giant’s chest, looking annoyed. “Look, I think the same thing, but Thomas knows him best. If he says it’s enough, it’s enough.”

 Roman let out a long sigh. “Fine. We take away his magic. But then what? How are we supposed to get the three of you home without him?”

 Patton frowned. “Roman...has a good point. Especially if Thomas said it was Dee’s own spell.”

“Hopefully we’ll find some clues left in his lab, research left unguarded after we release him.” Logan explained. “Regardless, we will need to put out a call across the land for a new magic user. Perhaps they will be able to decipher his craft.”

 “I suppose it’s our only shot.” Roman admitted.

 “When are you going to denounce him?” Thomas asked, looking up at Logan.

“Tomorrow morning.” Logan decided. “That should give the council time to prepare should he retaliate. In the meantime, we should all get some rest. The three of you look as though you’ve been through hell.”

“No kidding.” Virgil snorted.

 “I think Virgil needs it most of all.” Patton said and Roman nodded. 

 “Not to worry, I will make sure Debby Downer here gets plenty of rest.” Roman said, petting the top of Virgil’s head. He was at least glad they got to spend some more time together.

“Thomas, will you be comfortable here as well?” Logan asked, looking to the newest human.

 “Oh! Uh, yeah, I’d rather stay with Virgil, if you...don’t mind.” Thomas said, rubbing the back of his neck.

 Roman grinned. “Of course I don’t mind! You’re Virgil’s brother, after all.” Roman reached down and scooped Thomas up as well, letting both humans sit on his open palms. Thomas let out a little yelp and sent a somewhat nervous smile towards Roman.

Virgil held Thomas reassuringly, knowing how startling it could be.

“Alright, in that case we shall take our leave.” Logan announced. “Goodnight to all.”

 “Goodnight guys!” Patton waved to them.

 “Goodnight!” Roman called out. “And make sure you keep a close eye on Patton, just in case Dee tries anything.”

“Of course.” Logan nodded with utmost seriousness, heading out the door.

 “Alrighty, let’s head on to bed then.” Roman said, He set down Virgil and Thomas onto the pillow before climbing into bed himself. However, he was quite ready to fall asleep yet. He nudged Virgil. “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t need anything else?”

“I’m...I’ve got everything I need.” Virgil was surprised to find that was true. He had everything he cared about right here.

 Roman smiled softly, as did Thomas. Thomas scooted over and wrapped his arms around his little brother. “Good to have you back, Virgil.”

 Roman aww’d at the sight. “You two are so cute. Oh! I’m guessing this means the two of you made up?”

“We’re all good.” Virgil assured him.

 Thomas blinked. “You told him about that?”

 “Yes, but he definitely needed to get it off his chest. He was...really hurting. Doing the whole, blaming himself thing.” Roman explained and Thomas looked down at Virgil.

 “I’m sorry you had to go through all that alone, Virgil.” Thomas apologized.

Virgil wrapped his arms around Thomas, putting his head on Thomas’ shoulder. “It’s alright. Roman helped me through it, even if it took me a year to get around to acknowledging it. Plus it helps that you’re not dead.”

 Thomas chuckled and hugged him tighter. “Well, I’m glad Roman was able to help.” He turned to Roman. “Thank you.”

 Roman grinned. “It was no problem. The least I could do, really.” Roman turned to lie down. “Alright, well, I think we should get some rest. What do you guys think?”

 Thomas yawned. “Yeah, I’m exhausted and it’ll be nice to sleep on an actual bed.”

“Where have you been sleeping, anyways?” Virgil turned up his chin to look at him.

 “Oh, uh...well, I found a little nook in the walls that I’ve been using. I’ve collected fabric for sleeping and crumbs for eating. Heh, I sort of felt like a borrower. You know, those children’s books?” Thomas asked, looking at Virgil.

“Oh, yeah.” Virgil had almost forgotten about those. “But, wasn’t that miserable?”

 “It...wasn’t the best but it definitely beat being with Dee.” Thomas said. 

 “Still, that sounds awful.” Roman spoke. Thomas just shrugged.

“At least you never have to do it again.” Virgil offered, for once looking on the bright side. Huh, that was new.

 “Yeah, I guess I don’t.” Thomas smiled. He had never thought one of these giants could be good but it looked like he was wrong. For which he was glad.

 “Well, I think today as been quite the day. I’m sure you both are exhausted.” Roman said. “Ready for lights out?”

“Ready.” Virgil mumbled, already closing his eyes and nestling into Thomas.

 “Then goodnight you two, sweet dreams.” Roman smiled and blew the candle out before closing his own eyes.

 Thomas looked down at Virgil for a bit longer, just happy to see him again. He then closed his own eyes and fell into the nicest sleep he’s had since coming here.

[erstwhile25]

On The Subject of Truly Awful Jokes.

((The following is a lead up to why Aedos is in trouble with the Holy See. Pro tip: Never let Kail do the talking))

It had been a good night, one of those rare refuges from the world outside and any sorrow it could muster to chill the spirit. Kail wasn’t fond of the cold, anyone who had spent more than a day in his company could have guessed as much. He preferred the sun beating down, the sand between the toes of bare feet, and just a hint of salt in the air. However he had to admit, that when the freezing winds blew outside with a force to turn marrow to ice, the warmth of the fire inside was simply that much more enjoyable.

Enjoy it they did. Brave, Hyrtwyda, Aedos, and himself had a days worth of chill to chase from their shivering bones. They laughed at the events of the tourney, when Brave and Hyrtwyda had finally faced each other with their summoned carbuncles. They guffawed when Aedos related to them the events of the previous week’s expedition. Through it all they attempted to play cards, but each game seemed to break down when it was realized that Kail was finding new ways to cheat. Every time he was caught cheating, he was made to pay for more drinks, and the more drunk he became, the more he cheated. It was a vicious cycle.

With the coin Kail had won at the day’s festivities (or rather that Brave had won, and he had capitalized on) there was little pause in the drink that flowed to the table. There was no desperation to their foray into libation, as you saw with many fighters and explorers. That almost frantic need to be drunk that caused more trouble than it was worth wasn’t for them. Rather they eased into it, as if drunk was a wife waiting for them at the end of the day. Noses and cheeks turned slightly more red, despite their seats being right next to the fireplace, and their voices slowly and steadily grew louder and louder.

For the most past the crowd at the Forgotten Knight accepted this with good grace, some were even swept up by it, adding to the growing din. It was after all a fantastic night to be drunk. There was however one table at which frosty silence reigned. Kail didn’t know any of the Elezen seated there, but he knew the type. There had been no end of changes in Ishgard of late, recent events had shifted the very foundations of the city. Where once had been a nation ruled by the iron law of the Church of Halone, now stood a republic governed by houses of the people. As with any power struggle, those who were given power were content, and those from who it was wrested were not. While the multitude of the church had been more or less docile in stepping down from the seat of power, not all did it with a smile.

The Inquisition had been the branch hit hardest by the change, before now their purpose had been clear cut, their power absolute, and when there was very little argument as to what constituted a heretic in the faith of Halone. Kail could only wonder what it was like to chisel such lines in the stone, only to see them shift like so much sand. By the symbols of Halone stitched into their cuffs, and the frosty silence between them that matched the outside chill, he suspected the table of Elezen knew from first hand experience.

It wasn’t long before one, a tall drink of water even by their standards with coal black hair and features sharp enough to cut yourself on, rose to his feet and sauntered over to their table. He offered a stiff bob of a bow to Aedos and then spoke in a rum rich voice that cut through the din with the ease of one used to public speaking. “Madam Valleritignon?”

Aedos looked up mid-sip, swallowing in a fit of giggles that was passing around the table, she shushed the others before straightening out her tunic and comporting herself. “May I help you ser…?” “Costos…I am a friend of your sister, and I simply wished to introduce myself and meet the woman she speaks highly of.” Kail didn’t know much about Aedo’s home life, but there was something about that statement that unbalanced the woman. She was struggling to reach for words, her composure showing cracks. Costos spoke on “She spoke at length on the impeccable nature of your character..” his eyes swept with barely hidden disapproval at the other faces at the table “and of the sterling character of those you surround yourself with.”

Brave started to rise, the look on her face spoke clear as to what purpose. Hyrtwyda’s hand found her shoulder halfway out her seat though, and a slight shake of the Roe’s head dissuaded her from anything rash. Before anyone could look his way or suggest any sort of sense, Kail was out of his seat, and alighted upon their table with a slight drunken sway. Costos immediately took a few frantic steps back, his hand going to a cross-hilted sword on his belt. No attack came however, instead the grey haired pirate grinned at the collection of eyes now upon them. The entire inn was silent, waiting for violence to ensue.

“Ye ser…are obviously a fella in need oh a lark.” Kail grunted and swayed dangerously towards the edge of his perch, strangely enough his feet wove deftly in between the cups, cards, and piles of coin there, spilling neither. Recovering he gave a low bow and swept an arm out that seemed to draw in the onlookers even closer. “Fortunately for ye…I’ve jokes aplenty!”

Both Hyrtwyda and Brave attempted to signal Kail as to the poor footing of his current path, with warnings that ranged from the covert cough and glance, to the overt hand signals of impending doom. He barreled on however, clearing his throat, if these lads were going to hate him, he was going to give them a damn good reason.

“There once were three dragon siblins that lived in a mountain above a valley. Eldest Brother Kyrwyn, Middle Sister Saffyrn, and Least Brother Boswyk, shared their cavernous home in relative peace, with the occasional bout of boredom only every century or so. They amused themselves during these centuries, by watching the folk that lived below in the valley, much as children watch ants building a mound. They enjoyed watching the people scurry too and fro, workin in their fields, bakin their bread, and buildin their houses, their town shifting back and forth like a river in the immortal eyes of the dragon brood. Sometimes the three dragons would even disguise themselves and walk amongst the people of the village, Least Brother Boswyk in particular was fond of stealing pies from window sills while lookin fer all the world like a fair haired little cherub. It was in fact, during one of these outings that he saw something both strange and unsettling. He heard a great bell tollin in the middle of the town from a great stone building, suddenly every townsperson young, old, small, and tall, dropped what they were doing and headed fer the immense stone vault.

They lined up in the wooden seats and packed in full. When the last of the available spaces were finally filled, they waited in silence till a tall man with a long beard and a great staff went to the front, and began to talk. He spoke of virtue and he spoke of guilt, of the great tall mountains, and the wee fishes. He told them how men could stand tall if but to trust in the skies, and he spoke of men’s cruelty to those he loved. Most concernedly t'Least Brother Boswyk, he told of how stealing pies was wrong, and only the most cruel punishments awaited thieves.

Now Least Brother Boswyk had never heard of stealin afore. He’d thought those pies were fer anyone who came along, but it scared him something frightful t'think what those folks would do t'him iffin they found out. So’s he ran as fast his little legs could carry him back t'the cavern oh his siblings, wailing all the way there.

Well Eldest Brother Kyrwyn heard his brother snuffling and asked him what was wrong, so’s he told him. Only it didn’t come out quite right cause of all of Least Brother Boswyk’s blubberin. Well cause he loved his little brother, Eldest Brother Kyrwyn decided to go down and see what all the fuss was about, disguisin himself as a strappin young man taller than most. He waited till the folk gathered in the great stone house, and went on in to have a talk with the old man therein.

He returned later that day, with a strange look on his face, and his siblins asked him what was wrong. ‘I asked the old man how one might atone for crimes committed. He said that crimes were forgiven unto those who picked up a sword and fought in their family’s name. I have no wish to fight though, for surely pies are not worth spilling blood.’

To this Middle Sister Saffryn heartily agreed, and suggested that perhaps Eldest Brother Kyrwyn hadn’t asked in the right manner. She said she would go back t'town the next time they gathered and ask in his stead. So eventually the day came, and the bells rung, and Middle Sister Saffryn went t'town disguised as a beautiful young willowy lass, dressed in sunshine and wreathed in flowers.

Well it wasn’t too long before she too came back looking crestfallen, and a little shame faced. Her brothers asked her what was wrong, to which Middle Sister Saffryn replied 'I asked the old man how one might avoid violence, and he told me I should wear more clothes, and not put wicked thoughts in the minds of young men. Am I so horrible?’

Her brothers assured her that she was not. Twas at this time that Least Brother Boswyk had decided his family had gone through enough on his behalf, and iffin they could not reason peace with the old man in the stone vault, then they would buy it. He loaded a satchel with some of the gold they hoarded in the back, enough to buy hundreds of pies, and six bakeries on top of that. Dragging the satchel behind him, he went to go reason with the old man in the vault.

Twas later that day that he returned, with no satchel, but more or less in one piece. His siblings ran out to greet him, happy their brother was whole. They asked him if all was well, if all was forgiven. 'Well I don’t know about that..’ said Least Brother Boswyk 'but my pockets are empty and my ass sure is sore’”

Kail finished with his arms spread wide, as if he’d just unraveled the mysteries of life and the universe. Aedos snapped her mouth shut, for it had been wide open, and started to look like she wanted to crawl into her tankard to escape the moment of silence that followed the joke finishing. Brave and Hyrtwyda both shook in their chairs, and kept their hands clamped on their mouths. If looks could kill, Costa’s would have been loading the trebuchet. It started small and in the back, the snickering. It caught though, like a small fire that realized it wasn’t destined to be smothered. Soon it was full throated laughter, to which Hyrtwyda, Kail, Brave, and finally Aedos joined in. The other tables of the inn began howling and clapping their tankards on the table, asking for another round. Well…all except the table with Halone’s devout, they simply stared on, clutching their glasses, while the room laughed as one.