#me just realizing i have such a huge backlog that i haven't posted on tumblr yet........ my b

[cirquecarte]

don't wanna stop, there's no need!

vbs print for one of my fave songs from them!!

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[life-of-cae]

Hello again, Tumblr!

It's been a while since I wrote here. I remember years ago, I'd pour all my heart out to tumblr. Back then I was still interested in writing and poetry. Those were the days, indeed. Now I feel like I'm back to square one, trying to figure out how to write down my thoughts. For now, I'll just go with the flow.

A lot happened these past few years. Suddenly, I felt like Tumblr is someone I haven't been in touch with and somehow I needed to caught tumblr up. This feels nostalgic. As far as I could remember, the last time I used tumblr was back in college. I tried to retrieve my previous blog, but I failed to do so. I want this to be a routine again, like I always did before. I haven't been writing in journals. Everything is just jam-packed inside my head, I never had an outlet.

Where do I start? Backlogs? Lmao. Everything after graduation. It took me months before I got a job as a Data Analyst. I can remember buying corporate attires and a lunch box (I was so eager to save up as early as I can). My first day was January 2. I asked my friend - who works in Makati - how do they commute going to work. They suggested that I take a Van in Coastal, but me being me, I was too afraid to explore. I've always been a scaredy cat. My parents/grandparents have always been protective of me going out. I view the outside world as a very dangerous and confusing place to be in. I'd rather stay at home, where everything feels familiar to me. Going back, I planned to take the bus that time. Everything did not pan out accordingly. I woke up early so I won't be late, but it was a Holiday, I failed to account that there were few public transport available. This part was a bit blurry, since I can't remember if I ended up taking a van or did I drive to work. But either way, I really felt my independence that day. I met my workmates, they were all smart and awesome by the way! My first day was an 8/10. I still feel nervous and just trying to fake it until I make it. My second day, was really memorable, I woke up really early and tried to take the bus again, and then reality hits me. Commute sucks in the Philippines. We were like sardines in the bus, I was holding back my tears. But yeah, I made it to work alive. I asked my ex-boyfriend to pick me up at work, because my energy just can't. I remember us waiting at the bus stop, but suddenly decided to have a bite in a Tropical Hut nearby. I really like that food chain. Just by entering the Hut, I felt a huge wave of nostalgia. It looks like time ceases inside the Hut. It did gave a vintage vibe, it exactly looks like the fast-food chains where my parents used to bring me when I was child. The food wasn't that great, but the ambiance is what makes me want to go back there every time. I'm not sure if it's still there in Makati.

My first job wasn't that easy. I had to go through a lot. It's like life just slapped me in the face with reality. This is the time that I realized that I have depression. I consider this the darkest moment in my life. Given that my life is perfectly fine in almost all aspects. I end up crying as I walk through the elevated walkway all the way to the station. I never knew the reason why. It came to a point that I had to resign and go to Qatar for a reset.

So that's that. My first post here in tumblr. There are as lot of in-betweens , but I'd rather post them separately. If that makes sense. Hehehe.

[weezly14]

Are you able to start posting this week because you've written a few chapters ahead again?

hi friend!

i'm posting this week for two reasons, neither of which is because i've written a few chapters ahead!

this is my blog so i'm gonna be frank about my mental health shit, because i'm certainly not going to be on instagram or god forbid facebook talking about it, so - this is gonna be a mental health related answer.

i didn't write much for a few weeks! not just dust to dust, but in general. i wanted to; i had plot bunnies, and i'm working on a collab with seek. i had things to be working on, i just wasn't doing anything. and then i did start writing, and it was hard. and my mental health was not in great place. still wasn't working on dust to dust, but generally. writing was hard.

and i was talking to seek about it, and she said i shouldn't feel pressured to write - we have such a huge backlog on our project, there's no reason why i shouldn't feel free to rest. and then i stumbled upon an analogy.

i used to run. i haven't in a while, but there was a moment in time when i ran regularly. and i realized, i don't know if writing feels hard right now because i'm pushing myself too hard, or if it's difficult because it's been a while. like, when you run, sometimes there's a level of ache that comes from using muscles you haven't in a while, and sometimes it's injury. and there's a skill in learning the difference. and what if this difficulty i'm having with writing, i thought, wasn't a "rest more to prevent injury" kind of thing, but a "the muscles haven't been used in a bit, you need to warm up more" sort of deal?

so, in talking with seek, i decided to hold myself more accountable. the words don't need to be perfect, but i have to start up again because the longer i wait, the harder it's going to be.

that's reason number one. i decided to stop overanalyzing and complaining about how it was hard, and just fucking write. i can edit later.

the second reason is, quite simply, someone asked if i was updating this week. and i knew i wanted to get back into this story, and letting it sit longer wasn't doing me any favors, and then someone asked, and i got a deadline.

i worked on the next chapter this morning. it sucked. then i had lunch, and now i'm fucking around on tumblr, and in a few minutes i'm going to go back to it.

here's the thing about writing: if you wait for inspiration to strike in order to write, you'll never write. sometimes you just have to fucking do it, even when it sucks. back when i was running, and training for a half marathon, i'd see stuff like "five miles is five miles. whether you walked them or ran them - getting the mileage in is the point." and with writing? you've just gotta fucking do it sometimes. the words are the point. use it or lose it, you know?

this morning i almost set a timer, i was feeling so uninspired. i didn't. i got a scene out. this afternoon, i might set a timer. ten minutes, see what comes out. tomorrow i'll edit. (i love editing.)

and there'll be a chapter on thursday, because i promised, and hopefully next week, too.

so no, i have no backlog. but i'll still be posting thursday.