#me and my homies fucking hate arizona

[m00nc4kes]

if you believe in banning abortion FOR EVERYONE because of your religion, disrespectfully die.

nah cuz what the FUCK is wrong with Arizona. what happened to separation of church and state.

[pierremcguire]

can you imagine being josh doan right now .... your dad is a local hero to the team. you get drafted to that very same team you grew up watching. make your nhl debut for that team. score multiple goal in your debut in front of the city that call you and your family theirs. and then before your first full season, the franchise is sold. and the records and legacy your dad made and you hope to continue are effectively being left behind.

[putawayurhalo]

yo fuck arizona me and my homies all fucking hate arizona

[chocolatechimsugakookie2]

My headcanons about each 4*Town member 😜

Jesse

Full name: Jesse Coleson Smith

Born and raised in San Francisco

Birthday: July 1

Age: 22

Height: 6’2

Only speaks English, but knows some German because of his grandmother.

Is learning Korean mainly because of Tae

Has an older sister (24)

Graduated high school early at age 17 which is also the age he had his kids.

Once he graduated early, he started going to art school.

Left art school to debut in 4*Town

Fears: hates snakes, and not knowing what is going on with his kids

Favorite food/snack(s): cheeseburgers, Oreos, kiwi, steak, MACAROONS, Hershey bars (with almonds), nachos, and etc.

Makes amazing burgers! He is very proud of his burger making skills “Yo Jess! Put some burgers on the grill!”

100% wears a “kiss the chef” apron for the shits and giggles

Cooking skills: 10/10

How scary when angry: 7/10 it truly depends on what happened to get a scary Jesse! He is the type to talked his anger out through gritted teeth

Played lacrosse

Good at American football

Can do more than pottery!! Makes great paintings

Good at surfing

Likes hiking and rock climbing

Pretty tech-savvy

Can play all types of guitars extremely well. Also the piano.

When he makes decisions or say certain things that shows he can be the mature oldest or just talking in general, the members say things like “yes father”. “okay dadddd”. “Father Jess is at it again”. “He swear he somebody’s dad”

Plays video games like a religion with Tae and Aaron T (sometimes all the member)

Likes giving the members ugly/stank looks just for fun

Favorite animals are elephants and pandas

Road rage 9/10 baby is a slight honker and yeller!!when it happens it’s surprising every time to the members because they don’t expect it. “I had the fucking right of way you damn dumbass!!” “CHOOSE A FUCKING LANE”

Not lactose, but prefers Almond milk (like me🙂)

Nicknames: Jess, old man, gramps, Mr. Dilf, Uncle Jesse, Nick Carter (Aaron T’s lil joke), and etc.

Robaire

Full name: Robaire Louis Beaumont

Born and raised in Toronto

Would go back and forth to France

Birthday: March 12

Age: 20

Height: 5’11

Speaks French, Haitian Creole, and English.

Mom: Haitian, Dad: from Lyon, France

A younger brother (16), and a older brother (23)

Fears: he thinks he will never find actual love and trypophobia

Favorite food/snack(s): chicken Alfredo/shrimp Alfredo, COOKIES, peaches, hibachi, Red velvet cake,  snickers, Reeses, and etc.

There is not a day when Ro doesn’t say “can we go get some cookies or something”

Makes a great variety of pastas.

Will make a small dish of spaghetti ever now and then because T lovessss spaghetti “Ro! Hey Ro! My favorite homie! Did you know you’re like the best in the group!!” “Yeahhh mhmm, what do you want from me?” “……..Can you make me spaghetti”

Cooking skills rated 8.5/10

How scary when angry 8/10 kind of like Jesse, it depends on what happened to get scary Ro, but will have no problem going off

Can play rugby

Good at American football

Is pretty decent at painting

Ran track

Good at piano and an acoustic guitar

Sometimes is Aaron Zs workout buddie

When it’s time to be the leader the members do take him serious; however, when he is just talking and says the “I am being serious” nobody ever takes him serious! Especially with the facial expressions he makes.

Like going for walks to clear his mind

Flips off Z just for the hell of it

Favorite animals are probably giraffes and lions

Road rage: 5/10 he is more of a “come on man!”

Nicknames: Ro, Bear (Baire), RoRo, bitch (from Aaron Z of course), big shot, and etc.

Aaron T

Full name: Aaron Diego Alejandro Juan Torrez

Born in New Jersey (had a big fight deciding on choosing either Arizona, Miami, or The Bronx)

Moved to Florida when he was 7, but moved back to Jersey at 10.

Birthday: October 30

Age: 19

Height: 5’11

Loves holding that he is two months older over Zs head

Speaks Spanish and English

Mom: Colombian Dad: Mexican

Has a twin younger sister and brother (17) and two older sisters (23) and (25)

Fears: he is afraid of losing memories and what lurks in the dark.

Favorite food/snack(s): SPAGHETTI, pocky, twizzlers, mangoes, kit-kats, Takis, s’mores, beef jerky, honey buns (specifically the big ones from like vending machines not little debbie)

Will go to the gas station at anytime to get a bag of takis

Cooking skill 9/10 is actually a really great cook if he doesn’t make a mistake and causes a fire!

Can make a variety of great Hispanic dishes that he mainly learned from his momma and some his dad

The members was scared when it was T’s turn to cook for the first time, but that quickly vanished when they saw how good he actually is, “wow… this actually looks good”, “damn T I am impressed”, “whoaaaa this actually taste good”, “you sure you didn’t buy takeout and set it up nicely?”

How scary when angry: 9/10 now I see T as a guy who does not like confrontation or any negative conflict that comes!! However, hitting the wrong buttons you will get a smart mouth T especially when it comes to ignorant interviewers! When T is angry he switches languages every second and the words are never kind. He sometimes gets the “I am pissed” tears running down, so yeah he mad mad

Has ADHD

Amazing at drums and keyboard

Mens gymnastics

Can play soccer and Baseball

Likes doing parkour

Loves swimming

Amazing at skateboarding (dude literally owns every type of board! Long board, penny board, etc)

Gets scolded by Everyone except Tae when he does flips in the house. (Tae is the one who eggs him on to do them)

Road rage: 10/10 mans is cussing like a damn sailor, flipping people off, and honking the horn like a clown. Afterwards he continues driving calmly with a smile like it never happened “THAT WAS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT BRO” “PENDEJO” “HOW YOU EVEN GET A DAMN LICENSES” “Me personally, I don’t mind hitting people🙂”

Favorite animals: Capybaras, wolves, dogs, and flamingos

Nicknames: Ron, Taaron, Aaron number 1, Ronnie, ugly (from Jesse), Diego, etc.

Aaron Z

Full name: Aaron Zao

Born and raised in Houston Texas

Birthday: December 18

Age 19

Height: 6’5

speaks Mandarin and English

Mom: Black, Dad: Chinese

A younger sister (5), and an older brother (23)

Fears: The Ocean. Don’t get confused the boy loves the beach and swimming! He just thinks about how no one really knows much about the ocean and what’s truly in it and the fact on how deep it goes.

Favorite food/snack(s): Seafood Boil, PANCAKES, Cap’n Crunch, Slim Jim’s, Gatorades, chocolate milk, Takis, BBQ chips, granola bars, hi-chews, and etc

He lovesss a good seasoned seafood boil!! He has expensive but good taste 😌

Cooking skills: 7.5/10

Now Z can grill like a boss, similar to Jesse but more on the other meats than burgers. Can make amazing lo mein, fried rice, egg rolls, etc, He can cook seafood, but he doesn’t cook often so that’s why it’s a 7.5. “Z…” “no” “wait Please” “what” “I just wanted some egg rolls 🥹” “ you know how to make them too bruh” “please” “…fine”

BIG pancake fan!!! Especially when Jesse or Robaire makes them!! 🤌🏾✨chefs kiss

Jesse: What do y’all want for breakfast?

Tae: I think we should have-

Z: Pancakes😐

Tae: …

Tae: I said I think we should have-

Z: pancakes😑

T: well I want waffles

Z: *death stare*

T: *gulps*

Ro: I guess we’re having pancakes then

How scary when angry: 10/10 I’m telling you the looks he gives when he is mad is a look no one wants! He will be calm with that look which means he is over and done! When he is yelling he will say shit that hurts and cuss up a storm

Amazing at basketball

Will play One on one with any member and break their ankles

Also good at track

Goes for morning jogs/run with a different member almost every morning

Plays acoustic and piano

Also can do a few flips! Learned them to add to his dance moves

He is really good at drawing and gets kind of shy when people tell him

Loves Nike

Loves driving his car at night (gets scolded for it though)

Will play Video games if he has time

Road Rage: 6/10 he is a “yo man what the fuck you doing” “Hit the damn car! I dare you” “carry yo punk ass on” “get out the street with yo Jay-walking ass”

Favorite animal: Rhinos, Dinosaurs, Hawks, and cheetahs.

Nicknames: Air, Zaaron, Michael Jordan (From Tae), Jack the skeleton (everyone), Tree-man, stone, and etc.

Taeyoung

Full name: Choi Taeyoung (in Korea you write the last name first incase someone doesn’t know😁)

Born and Raised in Daegu, Korea

Lived in Seoul from age 10-12

Birthday September 20 (Virgo power✨)

Age: 18

Height 5’10 (he will be 6’0 when he is 21)

Speaks Korean and English

Has an older brother (27)

Tae is an uncle because his brother has a 3 year old son

Fears: ending up alone and heights (even tho he loves roller coasters)

Favorite food/snack(s): Tteok-bokki, French fries, CAKE, pocky, cherries, strawberries, kimchi fried rice, fried chicken, churros, Bibimbap, and etc.

“Is someone one’s birthday come up?” “No” “Not that I know of” “I don’t think so man” “No why?” “Just wanted an excuse to buy cake” “oh” “I’m going to buy it anyway though🤷🏻‍♂️”

Cooking skills 100/10

Tae is an amazing cook specifically with Korean dishes!!

His specialties are definitely Samgyeopsal, Tteok-bokki, Gimbap, kimchi, and Bulgolgi. “Hey Tae do you mind doing Korean Bbq for dinner? Jesse said he’ll help.” “Yeah! I got y’all”

Exceptional at piano

Great at soccer

Pretty good at American football which shocked everyone

Extremely tech-savvy this man can hack things I swear 

Started painting his nails because he like how cool the rockstars looked with it

Wont hesitate to talk about someone in Korean

Was training to be in a K-pop group at age 11-12 but begged his parents to let him audition for the boy group he heard his peers talking about in California

Self taught himself English! started at the age of 10 He became fully fluent by age 13

He still had a accent while speaking til age 15 but now it comes and goes

Use to call the other members hyung a lot by accident when they first met, but they gotten use to it so he sometimes still does it (hyung is what a younger male would call an older male who’s either is his actual brother or is like his brother (as in close friends).

Loves video games

How scary when angry: 11/10 Please do not underestimate the youngest! He will tell someone off in a hot minute and keep a grudge until he feels like it (only if you really did him dirty). Yes he is a very sweet boy but making him mad is not something to play with because he will mean every word he says! Don’t test his patience he has a 3 strike warning.

Road Rage: 7.5 he is quite the shit talker! “I will run over you”. “널 때리는 걸 망설이지 않을 거야, 멍청아.” “THE LIGHT IS GREEN WOMAN”. “바보”

Favorite animals: Birds! Specifically Doves and Peacocks, cats, dogs, tigers, bears, basically all animals at this point.

Nicknames: Tae, Chef Boyardee (from T), Tae-Tae, Youngie, Gremlin (everyone), ankle biter (Jesse), and etc.

[omegawolverine]

go deep and talk about why you really like a south park character in the way dsmpblr makes whole essays about c!tommy :>

everyone probably thought this was gonna be about craig but surprise...pete supremacy moment.

now, i need to make this clear to my mutuals who dont watch south park: pete appears as a main character in about 3 episodes and a background character in like 5-7. dude doesn't have much screen time compared to a lot of other characters. on top of that, he doesnt really have a character arc all by himself; basically, where you see him, you also see henrietta, michael and/or firkle, in almost every case. i say all that to say he is still probably the most well rounded goth and there is also these small little details about him that make me feel fucking crazy but in the best possible way. like, for starters, this mfer drinks his coffee black to look hardcore but he has been seen throwing heaps of sugar into it afterwards, which none of the other goths do. also, he's an absolute fucking cunt, but he genuinely cares for his friends a lot. example: in goth kids three dawn of the posers s17e4, henrietta is sent away to a camp called troubled acres and she returns emo, which is a huge shock to all the other goths bc they hate emos and its a whole thing where michael firkle and pete then have to get help from the vamp kids despite having previously burnt down hot topic and sending their leader, mike, to scottsdale, arizona via fedex and then after recruiting the vamp kids they summon edgar allan poe who's a little bitch baby in death much like he was in life. now, doing all this shit really shows how much the goths care for each other already right? well, tldr is that what they thought was essentially a goth conversation camp controlled by plants was actually just a set up for a tv show and the producers were tricking some old dude into thinking that the plants were actually making him convert goths to emos. this obviously fucked with the few people who were supposedly "converted" to emo via "plant mind control" when they found out, henrietta included. she couldnt believe that she flipped sides so easily and there was no actual mind control involved and, to make matters worse, her two other goth friends (firkle excluded bc he was also "brainwashed") saw this happen and found out that the truth was just that henrietta was gullible enough to fall for it (i mean. she's like 9-10 ofc she did). so what did pete do? the fucker lied. he essentially back tracked on the truth to tell henrietta "no actually we defeated the emo brainwashing plants just now!" and she made a whole dramatic show of "changing back" after pete said this. and he said it just to save her from the embarrassment of having been emo for no reason. king shit imo. also him and the other goths canonically pick up sad conformists to gothify which i think is funny but also very telling of the fact that they're actually nice people who want to help others, even if their ways include horrendous poetry circles and satanic rituals.

but like. that all being said, on a physical level, pete has both the best and worst possible appearance (/nsrs obviously, there is some downright HORRID combinations made in this bitch but yall get my point. this is both a lame outfit and one that i think i would hate if i saw it on a real person) on the show and i mean this in the most loving way. grey shirt. black pants. red bolo tie. purple creepers. red roots. pox marks. he is canonically seen as kinda ugly so he dresses goth bc being goth is more noticeable than being ugly. this is literally a point made in the show. and i think that is both fucking hilarious and really sad.

anyways. idk how much more i can say about this dude bc of how little the show gives him but i would die for more of him in canon. like i just wanna see him and the homies front and center again. but, before i end this, imma give you a bonus fun fact that i think is very on brand and says everything you need to know about the goths Ever in one shot. in the south parq vaccination special the goth kids are seen in the only black masks in the entire episode (as far as i recall) stealing vaccines for themselves. icons, truly.

[thelocalshooter]

The Local Shooter Vs. Scrappy Flako

(LS) Goodmorning and thank you for being apart of this great come up, for the people who don’t know by now we got Scrappy Flako today, can you go ahead and tell us a bit about yourself? What do you do? Where are you from?

(SF) Hi, thank you for putting me on, I’m Ivan Munoz, but you can call me Scrappy Flako. I do a podcast here in Phoenix where I interview local creatives that do music, photography, videos, etc. Any art of form is welcome on my podcast where we can discuss and learn from each other. I also model and I’m just an overall creative dude that likes to try something new. I was born in Phoenix, but after kindergarten I moved to Yuma then came back to Phoenix after freshman year of high school. So Phoenix and Yuma are a part of me.

(LS) How do you juggle being a producer, a rapper and also a talk show host all in one? Like do you decide when you wake up which one you’re gonna focus on more that day or how do you choose?

(SF) I don’t really consider myself a rapper and/or producer only because I know people take those careers way more seriously than me and are better than me too. I’d say my beats are still amateurish at best, and I rap just have fun on beat. Which is why I’m making Food City Gang. A fun project that people can enjoy and laugh at the dumb bars I spit out. I definitely prioritize the podcast first because it’s the reason why people follow me and it makes me happy that everyone is interested in this passion project that’s becoming something more than what it is. So I give it the attention and care it deserves because the podcast has brought me a lot of beautiful people in my life.

(LS) What came first for you music or YouTube?

(SF) I think Youtube came first. When I was in middle school I’d always watch Smosh, FreddieWong, or even flash animations that were funny as hell. My first videos from middle school are still on my channel, alongside the podcast videos, and leave it as a memory so people can see I’m still that kid with dreams.

(LS) You’re very open with your musical side, you’ve dropped a couple bangers in my opinion, and also you recently played your beat tape which was fire on your live stream! When did you start getting into that side of the creative lane?

(SF) I’ve always been into music. I picked up guitar when I was in middle school as well and I learn a lot of metal songs, video game songs, and anime theme songs too. Time went on and I just explored other genres of music, then started falling in love with rap beats. Especially lofi and boom bap because I just love the drums and jazz chord progressions. The community here in AZ is really supportive, and I’ve always been really shy about my creative side but now I’m being more open about my stuff, even towards people I meet in public. I would just keep to friends and that’s it.

(LS) As far as the “Scrappy Flako Talk Show” you have been growing very rapidly and have had some remarkable talent on there like Saiah, SirenSings, Pariah Pete & More! How and where did you get the idea to start a podcast in your moms house?

(SF) So I actually pitched the idea to Pariah Pete to interview him. Pete and I used to work together at Chipotle and he would show me his music and I would fuck with it. Later on, he’d start doing shows and I would always go to them because it’s cool seeing a friend doing his passion and seeing him get the love he deserves, but even then I want people to know who Pete is and the other talented creative minds here in AZ. I’ve always had studio equipment in my room but I wasn’t doing anything with it. So when I saw podcasts like Joe Rogan or H3H3, I just said to myself “let’s use the equipment for podcasting and just have fun with it.” There was nothing to lose if I tried, but I did want it to be a good podcast that is presentable and somewhat professional. I made it into an “actual” podcast as much as I can, so when someone sees it they think “Oh hey this looks pretty legit. I’m interested.”

(LS) You’re currently in the midst of getting an office space? How is that for you? Does this mean your talk show is being taken to the next level or what’s the idea behind the office space?

(SF) The office is gonna bring so much to the table for me. I'm going to be able to do much in that office because of the space and also that it’s not in my mom’s house anymore. So anything goes in that office. The current podcast room was pretty small and I also want to interview bands or groups of people so that office is perfect for it. Of course, this is gonna take the podcast to a new level, but I’ll have a lot more creative freedom for myself and I’ll be doing other kinds of shows without having to worry about anything. The office is gonna be a creative space that’s gonna be like The Cave from Kenny Beats, but there’s gonna be more to it. Also, it’d give my mom peace of mind since strangers aren’t going to be in her house anymore.

(LS) What’s the next move for you Scrappy? More music? More streams? Another beat tape?

(SF) I’m gonna slow down and put the podcast on hiatus so I can get it ready for the office. I also need to do highlight clips for the podcast. Food City Gang Mixtape is in the works and it's gonna be me, my homie Angel Cabrera, and my other friend Ghost Diego who’s actually gonna be the beat producer for the project. As well as some features here and there. We’re gonna try to get it done by summer and we’re also going to make music videos for that project as well. We want to go all out on this project, but have fun with it and let everyone else enjoy it too. Maybe we can host a show at Trunk Space because I would love to see people moshing to BODIES. Other than that, I’m getting back into modeling so I gotta stay in shape and I’ll just have fun being creative.

(LS) Being a person who interviews many talents from the valley, what’s your take on the music scene in Arizona and what do you think it’s missing?

(SF) I think the AZ scene is fine the way it is. There’s a lot of love and support here and I don’t really see any hate or toxicity in the community. I think the scene just needs to keep growing, keep improving on their craft, and keep pushing as it is because we shouldn’t wait for labels, radio shows, or hand me downs when we are capable of forging our own career. It’s good that we’re making a name for ourselves and doing the things that make us happy. I fuck with some local talent more than the mainstream shit. I went to see Pete open for Doja Cat, not see Doja perform after Pete, you know? Good show though. I think what the scene needs is to still help each other out. I still feel like it’s a little bit of “every man for himself” mentality going on because people don’t want their ideas stolen, which is okay, but creative minds should try and lift each other up more. Feed off each other's energy and learn from it. What I do see a lot is artist’s personal friends and family don’t really care about their career, until they start making waves, but making waves can be hard when everyone is doing what you’re doing. So I try my best to show every artist the credit they deserve by at least checking out their music and maybe even shouting them out. Love like that can go a long way

(LS) What’s your main focus at the end of the day creative wise? Do you plan on taking music as serious as people think you want to or is simply a stress reliever? Is the talk show and YouTube your main passion?

(SF) The main focus is still the podcast and pushing it as far as I can. I’m gonna do different shows to showcase artists once I get that office. I appreciate the love that I get from the podcast and the amount of people who want to get on, but there’s gonna be other stuff that's gonna happen on the channel. This year for music, I’m gonna release Food City Gang and maybe I’ll make “serious” music after that project is done, but I probably won’t do shows like I have planned for Food City Gang.

(LS) Thank you again for being apart of this great come up! Is there anything you’d like to mention to the readers out here who want to know more about you? Or any links you wanna mention where they can check out your talk show or some of your beats?

(SF) Thank you again for putting me on here. This was fun to do actually. You guys can find me anywhere on social media or soundcloud. Just look for Scrappy Flako and you’ll see my icon with the bandanna and spiky hair. Scrappy Flako Talk Show is available everywhere like Spotify, Apple Podcast, etc. Not just Youtube, but if you want to see the artist face and mine then subscribe to SuperPug Productions. www.youtube.com/user/superpug64

Also you can support the podcast by subcribing for at least $1 a month on https://anchor.fm/scrappy-flako

And check out my merch at https://teespring.com/stores/scrappy-flako-shop

Feel free to hit me up with anything. You guys have yourself a damn good one.

The Local Shooter Vs. Scrappy Flako

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 4 – And If You Kindly Look To Your Left, You’ll Be Able To See Shit Getting Real

In which I start captaining the Kandreil ship, Orange Sportsball steps up its game, Neil pulls a Son-Goku and then I proceed to lose my shit because wHAT THE FUCK.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

Okay so first of all, WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. WHAT THE SHIT JUST HAPPENED. I LEGIT JUST PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND I AM STILL YELLING AS I TYPE THIS. I WAS NOT PREPARED.

But let’s start at the beginning.

           “Kevin’s on the List,” Nicky said. When Neil frowned, Nicky explained. “It’s a list of celebrities we’re allowed to have affairs with. Kevin is my number three.”

           Neil pretended to understand and changed the topic.

When will Neil stop being #relatable.

Also, one of my besties had a list like that with her last boyfriend! 10/10 would recommend.

Also, who are Nicky’s number two and one because I’m dying to know. Michael Fassbender? Taron Egerton? Michael Clifford? Patty Walters? Zac Efron?

Ah no, sorry, that appears to be my personal list. Got that mixed up.

(You can’t tell me Nicky doesn’t want to bone Zac Efron though. There are only two types of people (who are attracted to men) in the world: People who want to bone Zac Efron, and people who are lying.)

Moving on to our favourite murder son, Andrew, who appears to have exactly zero fucks to give about Exy. No one is surprised. However, he does seem to give a few fucks about Kevin.

Or give them to him? Because this is where the shipping bells started ringing in my overly imaginative brain… which turned out to be not so overly imaginative after all.

           “Stop staring at Kevin so much. You’re making me fear for your life over here.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.”

…………. honey, das kinda gay.

My heart already started moving down well-lit, shimmering Kandrew Lane, however Andrew comes out of nowhere and points me back towards more promising pathways:

           Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall. (…)

           “Hey, Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”

           “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-“

           “I said no.”

           “Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin. Why does it-“

           He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey.

Holy shit. That’s not even simple gay, that’s full-on three-way relationship shipping opportunity gay. Did I say Kandrew Lane? Fuck that. We’re going straight down fucking Kandreil Boulevard.

Also, let me correct myself. Andrew points me back towards more promising pathways with a knife. Holy shit?? What?? Who gave this messed-up murder maniac a weapon???

And Messed-up Murder Maniac is actually kind of abusive, which worries me.

           “That’s not okay,” Neil said, pointing at the door.

           “That’s nothing,” Nicky said.

           Neil caught his arm as Nicky passed and hauled him to a stop. “Don’t let him get away with things like that.” (…)

           “That was my fault.” Nicky said. “I said something I shouldn’t have, and I got what I deserved.”

Tumblr has led me to believe that Andrew is a smol gay emo son, not someone who would almost stab his friend and makes him feel guilty about it later. When do we get to meet the soft grunge version? When he’s off his meds?

As someone with friends who actually depend on mental health medication to live regular lives, I’m not really feeling this whole “meds are bad meds make you psycho and give you fake happiness blah blah” crap tbh.

On a more cheerful note: More Orange Sportsball! Cheerful for us, not for Neil, as Kevin and the Gang have made it their personal mission to – what’s the term? Ah yes, completely fuck him up.

First, Kevin sets up a death match that’s pretty much Neil vs Everyone, and then he makes him fire penalty shots at a malicious Andrew (yes, that scene) that fuck up Neil’s arms more than Iggy Azalea fucked up rap music.

But Stubborn Protagonist isn’t giving up, ho boy: Cue a Dragon Ball-style training montage, starring Sore Muscles, Impossible Standards and Determination in the leading roles.

(Now I’m imagining Neil as Son-Goku, complete with snazzy orange uniform (at least he’s used to the colour already), hiking up and down wonky stairs carrying piles of rocks. Fanart, now.)

Then, one night, Neil catches Kevin and Andrew having some wonderful boyfriend alone time at the court which he, of course, decides to join in on.

This is the point where we are once again reminded of what a dramatic little fucker Andrew is: His trademark accessories are bandages that have sheats built in for knives that he just wears on a daily basis. HOW ARE YOU SO EXTRA HOMBRE.

           “Why do you hate this game so much?”

           Andrew sighed as if Neil was being purposefully obtuse. “I don’t care enough about Exy to hate it. It’s just slightly less boring than living is, so I put up with it for now.”

Not even MCR’s debut album was this emo.

           “Isn’t it fun?” Neil asked.

           “Someone else asked me that same thing two years ago. Should I tell you what I told him? I said no.”

*cough* Kevin *cough*

*cough* it kills me how much those two are alike *cough*

          Andrew’s smile was small and cold. “You be something. Kevin says you’ll be a champion. Four years and you’ll go pro. Five years and you’ll be Court. He promised Coach. He promised the school board. He argued until they signed off on you.”

I’m………… dying………... I’m not even fucking trying this ship sails itself.

           “Your loose ends aren’t adding up,” Andrew said.

           “I’m not a math problem.”

           “But I’ll still solve you.”

Real smooth, homie, real smooth.

As much as I’d like to linger on the wonderful shipping currently unfolding before my eyes, we do have actual plot to get to: IT’S NEILLY BABY BACKSTORY TIME FUCK YES.

We learn aboute the absolute fucking tragedy that is his mom’s death, bleeding out on a lone beach in California and teenage Neil having to burn her and immediately having to hit the road again, not even able to mourn properly.

What the hell. As much as I like to make fun of him for being Extra and Dramatic, I get the feeling that it’s absolutely valid knowing what he’s been through (and the others as well, probably.)

And as this was all sad and tragic and stuff, I thought we’d be done with the backstory reveals for today.

Boy, was I wrong.

           “I warned Andrew he was going to come for me. I told him!”

           “It doesn’t matter. You signed a contract with me.”

           “He could pay off my scholarship in a heartbeat. You know he would. He’d pay you off and take me home and I-I can’t go back there. (…) I should go now, before he has to come for me. Maybe he’ll forgive me if I go back. If I make him hunt me down any more than I have already he’ll kill me for sure.”

What. What is going on. Who’s gonna kill Kevin.

           “Shut up,” Wymack said. “You’re not going anywhere.”

           “I can’t tell Riko no!”

RIKO. We’ve heard of that fucker before.

In the words of our lord and saviour Han Solo: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

           “How much did you hear?” Wymack said.

           “Kevin’s having a nervous breakdown,” Neil said. “I don’t know why.”

           “Edgar Allan put in a transfer request with the ERC and it was approved this morning. They’re party of the southeastern district effective June 1st”

So the Ravens and the Foxes have to play against each other? Although this is a nice twist, it’s also standard sports drama plot technique, no surprises so far. What’s the catch?

           It’d been heard enough facing Kevin in Arizona. How could Neil risk meeting Riko too? Just because Kevin didn’t remember Neil didn’t mean Riko wouldn’t either. Neil didn’t want to find out the hard way if Riko had the better memory of the two.

WAIT, so Neil has shared history with Riko too?? Makes sense considering that Kevin and Riko used to be inseparable until a few years ago, and they most likely met when they were kids. Still, didn’t think about it that way.

And then Wymack (and Nora) drops an entire bombardment of plot bombs on us.

           “Do you know why Kevin came to Palmetto State?”

What followed was me screaming WHAT THE FUCK for a good eight pages.

Turns out Kevin’s childhood was about as awesome as Neil’s, which mean absolutely fucking not. So Riko’s family is a Japanese mafia gang, the Ravens are their cover for their shady murder businesses and Kevin was pretty much abused his whole childhood?? And Riko broke Kevin’s hand, and did it purely out of spite??? Like a toy you break if you don’t want to play with it anymore?? And now they want revenge for Kevin’s escape by destroying him on the court, breaking what last willpower he has, and cashing in on the publicity this gets them??

WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLASTING FUCK?????????

But we’re not done yet, ho boy. Because plot fucking twist!! Neil used to play little league with the Moriyamas!! Itsy bitsy ten-year-old Neil livin’ it up with Kevin and Riko while the adults were upstairs doing some good ol’ murders!! Because his father is the ultimate crime lord of Baltimore and best pals with all the Japanese gangs in the area!! Also, the dads killed a dude in a conference room once and made the lil ones watch!! It all connects and I am NOT FUCKING LIKING IT.

Also, his mum didn’t only run away with him, but stole five million dollars before she did.

Five. Million. What a gal.

Back to the point at hand: WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT IS HAPPENING?? I DID NOT EXPECT THAT MUCH BACKSTORY THIS EARLY ON?? I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE LIKE THE BIG REVEAL AT THE END?? I WAS NOT PREPARED!!

           Neil had grown up wondering why Kevin and Riko were in that room eight years ago and how they’d overcome it. He’d wondered why their luck and circumstances were so different that they could become international stars while Neil’s life spiralled so quickly out of control. He’d hated and worshipped them all his life, jealous of their successes and desperate for them to excel. Now it seemed he’d been wrong all along; Kevin hadn’t escaped either.

           No matter what they did or who they became, maybe they never would.

I’m not okay. I need a moment. This just all got so much more interesting.

Shit just got real, you guys.