#me and lydia were a little cray last night. perhaps me most of all

[therosevest]

i'll appreciate the peace while i have it. unfortunately hungover and so tired im dreaming of my bed rn

[pandplit]

Chapter 7

💉💊Metro Bennet’s own stacks consisted almost entirely of an estate of two thousand bones a year which unfortunately for his daughters was going to go straight to a male heir, a distant relation, and their mother’s stacks, though ample for her situation in life, couldn’t really make up the difference. Her father had been an attorney in Meryton and had left her four thousand bones. She had a sister married to a Mr Phillips who had been a clerk to their father and succeeded him in the business and a brother settled in London in a respectable line of trade.

The village of Longbourn was crazy close to Meryton which made it easy for the young ladies to go HAM on visits, sometimes three or four days a week, to their aunt and to the Milliner’s shop just over the way. The two youngest of the family, Catherine and Lydia, were there particularly often. Their minds were more vacant than their sisters and when they weren’t busy face-jerking, a walk to Meryton was a good way to waste some time and gather some goss for the evening. However tacked the country in general might be, they always managed to get something out of their aunt. At present indeed, they were well supplied both with news and good vibes by the recent arrival of a militia regiment in the neighbourhood. It was to remain the whole winter and Meryton was the headquarters. Their visits to Mrs Phillips now became sexy little spy visits. Everyday added something to their intelligence on the officer’s names and connections. Where they were staying was not long a secret and at length they began to know the officers themselves. Mr Phillips visited them all, which opened up for his nieces an ark of the covenant amount of joy that almost melted their faces off. They could talk of nothing but officers and Mr Bingley’s large fortune, the mention of which made their mother a bit hot under the collar, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

After listening one morning to them yapp on and on about the subject, Metro cooly observed, “Its my cool observation, girls, that you are probably the most clueless ladies in the country.”

Catherine was disconcerted and made no answer but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day as he was going the next morning to London.

“I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs Bennet, “that you would so easily dropkick your daughters like that. If I wanted to insult anyone’s children it wouldn’t be my own!”

“If my children are boneheads, dear, I would rather be aware that they’re boneheads.”

“Yeah but as it happens they’re actually rather smart.”

“Babe, we connect on a lotta levels but this is not one of them, I dissagree, I think theyre dimmer than average”

“My dear Metro, you must not expect such girls to have sense of their father and mother, when they get to our age I dare say won’t be spending all their time getting horny over officers.”

“I remember a time when I liked those camo slacks a whole lot and indeed maybe I do still, y’know, just a little bit, yeah, and if a smart young colonel with five or six thousand bones a year should want one of our girls then I’m not gonna say no, and I thought Colonel Forster looked very, um- platonically very good, the other night, at Sir Williams’

“Umh, I needa lie down”

“Mama,” cried Lydia, “my aunt says that Colonel Forster and Captain Carter don’t go so often to Miss Watson’s as they did when they first came, she sees them now very often standing in Clark’s library.”

Mrs Bennet was stopped from replying by the ding of an email notification for Miss Bennet. It came from Netherfield and it had the little red flag symbol meaning that it was important. Mrs Bennet’s eyes lit up, they exploded, they sparkled with joy as she started screeching. She was making the most ridiculous noise while her daughter read.

“Well Jane who’s it from and whats it about? What does he say? Come on, I’m busting out of my skin here, Jane tell us!”

“It is from Miss Bingley.” said Jane and then read it aloud.

“Sup fam,

“If you don’t dine today with Louisa and me we may legit fall out for the rest of our lives, cause you know two ladies together that’s gonna end in a fight, beam your ass over here as soon as you see this email, my bro and his hans are dining with the officers

“xoxo Caroline Bingley.”

“With the officers,” cried Lydia, “why didn’t our aunt tell us about that!”

“Dining out though,” said mrs bennet, “that’s unlucky.”

“Can I take the beamer?” said Jane.

“No my dear, you better go on the Vespa, because it seems likely to rain, and then you’d have to stay all night.”

“That would be a good scheme,” said Elizabeth, “except you don’t know whether they’d other her an uber.”

“Okay but the gentlemen are already out on the town, right, so they’ll be using theirs and the hearse don’t have a nice car.”

“I’d much rather take the family ride.”

“But my dear. your father can’t spare it he needs it for work, you need it for work, right, Metro?”

“I need it for all kinds of things way more often than I can get it.”

“But if you need it today specifically,” said Elizabeth, “mum will be very happy.”

She did finally squeeze out of her father that indeed the car was needed. Jane was therefore obliged to vesp it up and her mother danced behind her all the way to the door checking her weather app and smiling.

Her hopes were answered, Jane had not been gone for more than a few minutes when it started raining real hard. Her sisters were worried about her, but her mother was delighted. The rain continued all evening, there was no way Jane was coming home.

“This was a very lucky idea of mine.” said Mrs Bennet more than once as if she’d started the rain.

Till the next morning, however, she wasn’t fully aware of what she’d done. Breakfast was scarsley over when a message arrived in the family whatsapp group from Jane.

“hey team- super sick this morning 🤢 which is probably because i got all wet yesterday 🌧 🌧 the guys here really dont want me travelling until I’m feeling better they also insist on me seeing doc jones 💉 💊 so don’t freak out if you hear about him seeing me its really not a big deal, just a sore throat and a headache catch ya later -J x”

“Well, my dear,” said Metro, when everyone had finished reading the message, “if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness and fall over dead at least it’s nice to know that it happened chasing boys.”

“Oh I’m not afraid of her dying, people dont die from that shit, she’ll be taken care of and the longer she stays there the better I’d go see her if i could have the car.”

Elizabeth, feeling really anxious was determined to go to her but since the car wasn’t available, and she didn’t have a scooter license, walking was her only alternative. She declared her resolution.

“How can you be so crazy in the coconut,” Cried her mother, “as to think of such a thing, in all this dirt, you’ll get fucked up like a football bat and you won’t be fit for a good snorgle by the time you get there!”

“I’ll be fly enough to see Jane which is all I want.”

“Is this a hint to me, Lizzy,” said her father, “to bring the car around?”

“No, I don’t want to drive, I want the walk. distance is nothing when one has a motive, it’s only three miles, I’ll be back by dinner.”

“I’m feeling your kind spirit,” observed Mary, “but every impulse should be guided by reason and, in my opinion, effort should always be in proportion to what is required.”

“We will go as far as Meryton with you.” said Catherine and Lydia

Elizabeth accepted their company and the three young ladies set off together.

“If we make haste,” said Lydia as they walked along, “perhaps we may see something of Captain Carter before he goes.”

In Meryton they parted. The two youngest slumped off to the lodgings of one of the officer’s wives and Elizabeth continued her walk alone crossing field after field at a quick pace, jumping over stiles, springing over puddles with impatient activity and finding herself at last within view of the house.

With weary ankles, janky dirty stockings, and a face glowing with the warmth of exercise she was shown into the breakfast parlour, where all but Jane were chilling and where her appearance created a great deal of surprise. That she should’ve walked three miles earlier in the day in such horrible weather and by herself seemed turbo cray to Mrs Hurst and Miss Bingley and Elizabeth would swear down that they were judging her for it.

She was welcomed though, very politely, and in their brothers manners something slightly beyond politeness. There was good humour and kindness. Mr Darcy said very little and Mr Hurst nothing at all. The former was kinda torn, the glow that all that exercise had given her was definitely tickling his fancy, but he also thought that it was kinda melodramatic and unnecessary for her to come this far alone. The other one was just making love to his breakfast.

Her inquiries after her sister didn’t get the best results. Miss Bennet had slept ill and although she was up, was still feverish and not well enough to leave her room. Elizabeth was glad to be taken to her immediately and Jane was super psyched to see her. She didn’t want to spook anyone but she had longed for such a visit. She was not up to much conversation however, and when Miss Bingley left them together all she could really do was mumble about her gratitude for the extraordinary kindness she was being treated with. Elizabeth silently attended to her.

When breakfast was over, they were joined by the sisters, and Elizabeth began to take a shine to them herself when she saw how legit nice they were being to Jane. The doc showed up and having examined his patient said, surprising no one, she had caught a violent cold and they should try and get the better of it. He told her to get back in bed, and wrote up a script for some flu meds and soup. They followed his advice for the feverish symptoms increased and her head ached a lot. Elizabeth never hit the slide nor would the other ladies often absent. With the boys being out, in fact, they had nothing to do elsewhere. When the clock struck three, Elizabeth thought it was time to go even though she didn’t want to. Miss Bingley offered her a ride but Jane made a commotion about not wanting her to go so eventually the offer of a ride was converted to an invitation to remain at Netherfield. Lizzy thankfully accepted and added to the whatsapp group.

“Staying the night, can somebody prime now me so PJs?”

This chapter was lovingly transcribed by Zuz.