#me 🤝 the one monk in the room scoring 0 for physical touch SDGFSDJK

[dearmrsawyer]

floor time!!!!

i'm trying to find things to post about, even if they're not actually that interesting to share LOL, bc i have more time since I'm not hosting someone 24/7 but i still feel very overwhelmed by ~~life~~ so i am trying to use it to idk be present. retain some small level of connection, because my instinct when i feel like this is to disappear and be as invisible as possible, and i always find it hard for myself to walk back from when i give into that. i have so many msgs from the last few months i still haven't answered 😫 i still have birthday messages i never replied to, also a couple of friends that i should be catching up with but i don't want to lol, so i'm uhh just not messaging them back

our current 'theme' for afternoon tea at work is personality quizzes, this week's person chose a love language quiz, i've always thought love languages were about how you /show/ love, apparently it is about how you prefer to receive it!? even tho its not inherently romantic and these activities are supposed to be shared in a super low stakes and fun/silly way a big part of me was like uh i don't really want to do this in a work environment?? also the particular quiz that we did had like 30 questions that i genuinely think were the same 5 questions over and over and over, for some reason about five questions in it started to make me feel extremely uncomfortable, almost upset?? i don't really know why, it could have been bc it felt like i was being asked the same thing over and over, as if i was answering questions and not being heard. also i felt like 25 of the questions were 'do you prefer a gentle touch or an unexpected small gift', 'would you like to be hugged in public or overhear someone compliment you' will this quiz please STOP asking me if i want to be touched after i just said i don't!! i have a reputation amongst my family and friends for preferring not to be touched, its something that people have always commented on especially when i was a teenager. i was just never very tactile! the only time when i feel like i participated in a lot of social/casual touch was at church camps growing up, i think bc its one of those very short but heightened experiences that almost have a sense of fantasy? like you're not in the real world. and i did like being close with those people a lot, we shared important and intimate moments of growth in my life and they were people i loved but only got to see once a year so yeah it felt right to put more into it in the few chances we all got to spend together in this very formative environment, but it never felt as natural for me to be that way in regular life, i always preferred not to be touched once normal life resumed again and i feel like people always thought i was strange for not wanting it. maybe i still have a complex about that lol. anyway my main love language turned out to be quality time, which i didn't even know was an option. also i think. i don't like the term 'love language' it feels yuck maybe. my work friend and i both scored highest for quality time but were confused because we both love to be alone, we decided it was how we showed love to ourselves 😂