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[project-sour-grapes]

New New Leaf

I got a new job as a software engineer in a neuro imaging lab. There is a giant quote pasted on the wall of my jiu jitsu gym that says, "If you're looking for a big opportunity, accept a big challenge." This is definitely one of those moments.

I have been honing my cybersecurity skills and filling in all of the holes of my knowledge. I have been learning pentesting and how to actually make webservers and databases from scratch like I should have learned 10 years ago. Oh well. The second best time to plant a tree is today. I am feeling stupid constantly, but there's another quote that, "The person who asks a question is a fool for a minute; the person who nevers asks is a fool for a lifetime."

I don't know who the fuck these quotes are from.

On another note, the hospital that I currently work is an awful environment and the hospital itself is failing. I'm on the fence about staying per-diem and just working a few Sundays a month, given that the new engineer job is 9-5 Mon-Fri (versus leaving and being free of that toxic place). Staying would help me meet my financial goals on a steadier cadence, and it would probably give me just enough people interaction to scratch the patient care itch. But fuck, the environment makes me really despise people. I'm trying to balance the idea of, "The world is a mirror, not a window," with the fact that emergency medicine is a circus, and that remaining as the tiny bug under the foot of the wobbly chair that Dr. Elephant, MD, is balancing on is a psycho-socioeconomic deathwish. Is the brokenness of a system an acceptable reason to quit?

The thing I'm really trying to balance is my ability to tell myself when I'm being a whiny, little bitch with seeing others through that same lens and not being able to voice, "Hey, you're being a whiny, little bitch" (ergo, my patients). How can a person have one framework for themselves and then not get mad at others who hold themselves to a lower standard? Why am I wiping your ass, because you've been in our ER shitting yourself once every week since 2020, because you do street drugs instead of taking your seizure medication? But with this cynicism and anger, I don't have energy left over for good patients. Then I'm like every other person working in healthcare, who I swore I would never be like. Now what? There are 500,000 assholes who work in healthcare. Should I be number 500,001?

Back to systems being broken: every system is broken. If I think I should only have a career in a non-broken industry, I should go fuck myself, because I won't find one. On top of that, if a system isn't broken, would there be any improvement to be made? I would get bored and leave anyway. The system wouldn't need me. Or I'd be replaceable by any other goofball who can keep the system humming, and I always leave jobs like that.

The stopping point that I hit with jobs in broken systems is that I feel crushed by incompetent people who have more power than I do: asshole paramedics, patronizing nurses who treat their patients like shit, doctors who couldn't pass a Neuroscience 101 class. I watch them treat others like garbage, and I feel a limit on what I can do as a tech to say, "YOU ARE TREATING YOUR PATIENT LIKE GARBAGE." Or in other terms, "VERY TACTFULLY GO FUCK YOURSELF." But the REAL real issue is my own competence and position. The problem is MY refusal to become something, to sit down and study to be in their position and do it better. And I don't even have to go to paramedic, or nursing, or medical school. I am fully capable of sitting and learning everything that they know with all of the free textbooks and learning materials online. I just choose not to.

And it's not a question of whether I'm going to become a medic or a doctor (definitely not a fucking nurse, I swear to fuck). It's a question of--whatever I decide to do--am I going to do the fuck out of it or not? If I do this new engineering job, am I going to do it 200% or not? If I keep some per-diem hospital shifts on Sundays, am I going to take care of my patients 200% or not? Am I going to keep learning and growing and sharing what I've learned with others? Am I going to be a steward of medicine and science in every capacity that I can? Or not? Am I going to be a little bitch?

But we can't forget the healthcare paradox, where doctors, nurses, and medics work and study for 50-100 hours a week to become something and yet have to pay lip service to patients who refuse to take action to improve themselves. How can one empathize with the other for long?

I don't know what to do here. I can't run away from the question. That is what I have been doing in various ways for a decade (at least, the larger question of balancing competitiveness with caring for others).

I don't know. I'm sounding whiny. Gonna go for a run.

[harryhanks]

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[anthropolite]

CHARACTER STUDY

— basics.

▸ is your muse tall / short / average ? She’s 5′6″, a little taller than average for an Italian woman.

▸ are they okay with their height ? Yes.

▸ what’s their hair like ? In her glamoured state, her hair is an irridescent black, wavy in structure. Unglamoured, it’s a mass of greenish-brown snakes.

▸ do they spend a lot of time on their hair / grooming ? Yes, but not in the conventional way. Her hair likes to be stroked, and she keeps a supply of frozen mice as snacks for them.

▸ does your muse care about their appearance / what others think ? Yali’s appearance can be described as stylish, but casual. Her putting effort into her appearance is, to no small degree, a side-effect of her own vanity. There is a very short list of people for whom she is prepared to dress to impress, but, odds are, she doesn’t care what you think. As a result, she’s very rarely a paragon of fashion, but has the self-confidence to make her stylistic choices work.

— preferences.

▸ indoors or outdoors ? If forced to choose, indoors: it’s where she gets most of her best work done these days.

▸ rain or sunshine ? Sunshine, she loves the feel of it on her skin.

▸ forest or beach ? Beach! Being (among other things) a Haliad, she continues to feel a deep connection with the sea.

▸ precious metals or gems ? Neither: she’s more interested in the aesthetic quality of materials than how much money they’re worth, and she prefers the lustre of bronze to boring old gold, any day. Similarly, an amethyst will refract the light in ways that a diamond is entirely incapable of.

▸ flowers or perfumes ?  Flowers (she finds their transience poetic)

▸ personality or appearance ? Personality. Being weird-looking doesn’t mean you’re not worth knowing (indeed, in her experience, the opposite is usually the case).

▸ being alone or being in a crowd ? Being alone. People can sneak up on you in crowds.

▸ order or anarchy ? She feels like there’s probably a happy medium to be reached, but, if forced to choose, she’ll go with anarchy: havoc appeals to something deep and primordial in her.

▸ painful truths or white lies ? She’ll tell you she prefers painful truths, but she’ll pick white lies with a frequency to make you doubt it.

▸ science or magic ? Yali has a good working knowledge of practical metaphysics, but she defines “magic” as a channeling of divine power into a temporal form. Her own divine heritage gives her access to certain kinds of magic, and the other kind - that of appealing to a greater power for boons - she treats with the greatest of caution.

▸ peace or conflict ? If forced to choose, peace - but she can’t help but feel enthused about conflict.

▸ night or day ? Day, for preference.

▸ dusk or dawn ? Dusk; she finds sunsets beautiful.

▸ warmth or cold ? Warmth

▸ many acquaintances or a few close friends ? Yali is cautious about opening up to people, but is fiercely loyal to the small handful that she’s decided have earned her trust.

▸ reading or playing a game ? Reading.

— questionnaire.

▸ what are some of your muse’s bad habits ? Lies of omission, getting caught up in a project to the extent that she doesn’t leave her house for days at a time.

▸ has your muse lost anyone close to them ? how has it affected them ? Yali took her sister’s death badly, and, much as she might whimsically refer to her “dread reputation”, she did a lot to earn it in the years which followed. She’s mellowed since then, but she still blames herself for what happened, and this may go some way towards explaining her protective attitude towards the small circle of people she’s prepared to grant that she cares about.

▸ what are some fond memories your muse has ? Euryale, Stheno and Medusa more or less raised each other, and gallavanting around the Mediterranean with her sisters when they were younger remains a cherished memory for her. She also has fond memories of the French Revolution, which was a period of unprecedented freedom for her.

▸ is it easy for your muse to kill ? She’s done it before, and not always in self-defence. She’s expressed fears that she’s “gone soft” in recent years, but the truth of this remains to be seen.

▸ what’s it like when your muse breaks down ? She’s been known to quit society wholesale when it just gets too much for her, doing her best to just become a creature of the elements again, sometimes for decades at a time.

▸ is your muse capable of trusting someone with their life ? Yali once described Charles Bulkowski’s quote of “Find what you love and let it kill you” as “bad advice 101″. As she put it at the time: “That something is loved does not mean that that thing is worthy of being loved. If you love a thing, you may feel inclined to lower your guard in their presence; if they’re inclined to abuse that trust, it raises serious questions about your judgement.” Yali fully intends to live for ever if it’s remotely possible.

▸ what’s your muse like when they’re in love ? As her above quote illustrates, Yali finds it difficult to completely open up. She has a history of being hurt by people she admires, something which can give her love a jealous edge. She’ll tend to lavish her lover with full, undivided attention, and will sometimes make little hand-crafted gifts if she feels inspired. As mentioned above, she’s protective of those she’s close to, but she’s especially ride-or-die with lovers.

*

Tagged by: @doctorharley-md (yay! You’re back!)

Tagging: @oplitis, @escapedartgeek, @tesstingyou, @urbanxfantasy, @nirgama

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