#mayday kinda but as if it was an expected soon future

[synthshenanigans]

GOD.....

[actuallyrandomperson]

My thoughts on the Sanders Sides Spotify playlists- Virgil Edition!

Note: this is Purely me saying whether or not I like the songs, not theorising about any deeper meanings. I’ve done them all, so just click on the names to see my reactions to the others: Patton, Roman, Logan, Janus

Impressions from looking through the playlist: I don’t specifically know most of the songs (I know more of the bands), but I feel like that’ll be a recurring theme as I tend to stick within my very specific music taste and only add songs to my playlists if I hear them while I’m out and about and like them enough to find them on Spotify, which means my horizons aren’t broadened very often. The ones I do know do not surprise me that much (neither do the bands, for that matter), as they feel very Virgil

1: ‘Sunrise, Sunset’, by Bright Eyes. I didn’t mind it at first? But the chorus was a bit too,,, shouty for me. Probably Definitely a song I’d skip if it came up on a playlist in the future, as much as I liked the tune(/melody?). Not surprised to find it on Virgil’s playlist though, it gives off Angst. Was very in my face as I tried to continue reading fics.

2: ‘Lets Kill Tonight’, by Panic! At The Disco. One that I have probably heard before, as while I myself didn’t have an emo music phase, an ex friend did. I liked it more, as I expected to as I tend to like p!atd’s songs. Not one that I’d go out of my way to listen to again, but has been added to my 32 hour long playlist on Spotify (not my slightly more curated 10 hour one tho, but I mostly play the 10 hour one while doing work or while others are around soo). Once again felt like it suited Virgil, (as I imagine all of them will, so I might just call out ones that feel Odd if any do.)

3: ‘Sally’s Song’, by Amy Lee. It might shock some of y’all, but not one I’ve really heard before! I live in Australia so Halloween’s not a massive thing and I actually don’t know that many people who’ve watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. Thomas is actually one of the main reasons I know that the movie exists. I really liked it, unsurprisingly, so it too made its way to my 32 hour playlist (not the ten hour one, but only because I try to keep mostly ‘normal’ songs on there so there’s not that many songs from movies in it)

4: ‘It Ends Tonight’, by The All-American Rejects. I recognised the band, but not the title. I think I’ve heard this before though- I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it. I wouldn’t skip it if it popped up in a playlist at some stage in the future, but I haven’t added it to either of my playlists.

5: ‘I’d Hate To Be You When Everyone Fonds Out What This Song Is About’, Mayday Parade. Very long title (ok, I know in emo song title standards it’s not even that long but as I said I didn’t really have an emo phase so these sorts of titles always shock me) that slightly confuses me (who’s you? why is what the songs about bad for them??), but I liked it! Is now on my 32 hour playlist. I suspect that at the end of listening to all of these it will be longer than 32 hours.

6: ‘A Decade Under The Influence’, Taking Back Sunday. Another one that I liked enough that I wouldn’t skip it in the future, but didn’t add to my playlist. I just didn’t vibe with it enough. Happened to line up with Roman having a Bad Feeling™ in the fic I was reading tho so that was entertaining

7: ‘Thks fr th mmrs’, by Fall Out Boy. This was the first song to invoke feelings of Nostalgia™ in me, and I’m kinda shocked it’s not already in my 32 hour playlist. That has been remedied. This song was played a fair bit in my childhood, both on the radio and by an older sister. I imagine a lotta people my age had a similar thing. Obviously one I Love. Got me to stop reading in favour of being a doofus by lip syncing and dancing around while lying in bed (and deafening my eardrums as I turned it up louder) during the chorus.

8: ‘Be Calm’, by Fun. This was the second song that I didn’t recognise either the title or the band for. I liked it, even though the initial warped carnival-esque tune thing made me think of Pennywise. Pretty much as soon as the singing started I added it to the 32 hour playlist. It might make its way to the shorter one one day, as I actually really like it. It’s just a bit odd, and as I said I try to keep that playlist to more ‘conventionally normal’ songs as it’s designed for me to be able to play around other people without getting weird looks.

9: ‘I’m Not Okay (I Promise)’, by My Chemical Romance. Let’s be real. I would’ve cried if this song wasn’t included in the playlist. You would’ve cried if this song was not included in this playlist. If all of their songs aren’t in their respective playlists I’ll be disappointed. This song being in the playlist prompted me to go back and rewatch that episode. so many jokes originate in that ep. also we only knew one name back then? and the dark sides were barely a blip on our radars??? how????? ok back to the song- not my favourite, but I wasn’t expecting it to be. Probably won’t skip it every time it comes up in the future, but it’s definitely not my cup of tea.

10: ‘Imaginary’, by Evanescence. I laughed when I realised this was next up, as rewatching the q&a reminded me that Virgil said they were his favourite band so I’d noted that I had to look out to see if any of their songs were on the playlist. I liked it enough to add it to the 32 hour playlist, but wouldn’t go out of my way to play it in the future.

11: ‘Soft Shock- Acoustic Version’, by Yeah Yeah Yeahs. When this started my first thought was ‘oh, I think I’m gonna really like this one!’ and my second was ‘I’m kinda surprised it’s on Virgils playlist, but it feels right somehow.’ (It made more sense as I listened to the lyrics, I think I was just massively caught off guard by it being acoustic). I hadn’t heard of either the song or the band before this, but my initial instinct was Correct and it has in fact.... made it onto the ten hour playlist!! Hell yeah!! I actually liked it enough to listen to the og version as well, which I still liked but slightly less. (Also I have heard some of their music before as I realised looking at the album this came from that my one of my sisters used to listen to them, which I’m not that surprised about as we have Similar tastes in music)

12: ‘The Good That Won’t Come Out’, by Rilo Kiley. I liked this enough to consider adding it to my 32 hour playlist, and the lyrics were interesting, I just didn’t vibe with it that much. 🤷‍♀️

13: ‘Sick Sad World’, by Nervus. The bands name feels very apt for Virgil. I liked the rhythm of this one, and it was also a Certified Mood tbh. Got added to the 32 hour playlist!! Also made me wanna hug Virgil.

14: ‘Ignorance’, by Paramore. I wasn’t expecting to love this, as I don’t remember really liking much of Paramore’s music in the past even though I know I must’ve heard some, but I didn’t hate it. Didn’t get added to either of my playlists, but I probably wouldn’t skip it in the future.

15: ‘The Ice Is Getting Thinner’, by Death Cab for Cutie. I was expecting to like this one, as one of my favourite youtuber’s fave songs is a death cab for cutie song and I really like it as well. I did like this one quite a bit, but it only made its way onto my 32 hour playlist.

16: ‘Overkill- Acoustic Version’, by Colin Hay. I didn’t mind this, but didn’t like it enough to put it on the 32 hour playlist. I possibly would like the original version more, but I can’t be bothered finding it especially given my first impression is just meh

17: ‘Under Pressure’, by My Chemical Romance. I didn’t love it as much as I love the original, but it did prompt me to check if I’d added the original to my two playlists. Apparently I didn’t, even though I was listening to a Lot of Queen when I was deeply entrenched in good omens.

18: ‘Everything is Alright’, Motion City Soundtrack. I liked this one! I think I might’ve heard It before, but it’s been a while. It got added to the 32 hour playlist.

19: ‘The Middle’, by Jimmy Eat World. I didn’t recognise the title b u t I did recognise the song. Obviously. Because I’m a gen z with older siblings. It was the second big nostalgia feels song, which was made even stronger by me not immediately recognising the title (unlike thks fr th mmrs). Was added to the 32 hour playlist as soon as I realised what song it was

20: ‘Vindicated’, by Dashboard Confessional. I knew this, but mostly from a music podcast called Punch up The Jam so hearing it in full was weird. Added it to the 32 hour playlist but wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to it again.

Final thoughts: I know I said I never had an emo phase in music, but I do actually like a lot of it even tho I was never That Kid, so I was kinda expecting to at least like a lot of these songs. My favourite song was definitely Be Calm, closely followed Soft Shock and Thks Fr Th Mmrs. 12/20 got added to my 32 hour playlist, and 2 (I eventually decided my love of Be Calm was strong enough for it to be an exception) to the 10 hour one!

@thatsthat24

[thetruthaboutlovecomesat3am]

BLACKHILL MEME: [5/5] Tropes → Near Death Experience

Natasha Romanoff usually shrugged in the face of death. It was like seeing an old friend: from time to time death randomly returned into her life, saw how she was doing, they flirted a little bit, sometimes even stayed a while, but each time they eventually went their separate ways. She had never been afraid of death, after so many years of acquaintance it would only be fair if at some point death came for her and decided to stay with her forever.

It changed violently when death, leaving her alone for once, started flirting with her loved ones instead. She couldn't shrug anymore. In fact, she was left unable to blink when Maria Hill died in her arms.

She wanted to shout at the top of her lungs “How dare you” and “You were supposed to come for me first” and “Not her, not her, not her”.

Things had never been quite the same since then, even after she was successfully saved by S.H.I.E.L.D.'s doctors. Maria didn't get the sudden distance, but she never cornered Natasha about it. Theirs wasn't that kind of friendship, they settled their agreements silently and never spoke of important matters out loud, because what sort of healthy relationship kind of bullshit was that. Besides, what would she tell her, even if she could? “I care if you live or die” was expected and “I can only live if you don't die” was unspeakable. She tried not to think too much about what it meant, about what she felt, about how that fear of losing Maria grasped her throat and didn't seem to want to let go anytime soon.

She did what she did best, and carried on.

Then Natasha almost died. And she stood there bleeding out and it was just like any other time until it wasn't anymore. It was like she'd heard in stories. As she was yet again staring death in the face, she found herself thinking “She will never know, I'll die here and she won't ever think twice about what we could have had, the life I saw for us, she'll never know a single fraction of my feelings' depth”.

She returned home on borrowed time from her old friend. She'd been borrowing for years, but death never came to collect her debt.

Maria came home to find a super spy sitting on her couch and without asking for an explanation she poured them drinks and sat down beside her.

Natasha was ready to say it all. She was ready to tell her how life seemed dull and boring away from her and how she couldn't let another day go by without saying to her everything she meant and everything she felt for her. She planned a grand speech to tell her how she thought of her when she thought she would die and how unwilling she was to go without making sure Maria knew how deep and how long Natasha had been in love with her. And if by any chance Maria happened to be the one who died first, Natasha was sure she couldn't live with herself and all the missed chances to just speak up and say something. It was suddenly more than vital to her that Maria was undoubtedly sure about Natasha's feelings towards her.

She waited for Maria in that apartment and had a speech ready and took a breath and looked up and – it was all gone.

She stared into Maria's curious blue eyes and she felt peace.

Maria would have known.

If something were to happen to her, Maria would have known. Because, the way Natasha saw it, there where only two paths they could go from there. One, Maria didn't love her back and they would be condemned to an awkward friendship for the foreseeable future. Two, Maria loved her back. Or even worse, Maria wanted to be with her. And what kind of life would that have been for Maria? So, Natasha smiled, took the glass, and let her chance slip by.

//

Natasha wasn't really that surprised when Death came to collect her debt. The time she had been borrowing wasn't spent wisely. It almost felt to her like her old friend was telling her “I come visit and every time you ask for a little more time. Every time you ask for a little longer to muster up the courage to tell her. But now you've decided you never will. So you know what I've got to do.”

Natasha Romanoff was probably the only person in the entire planet who could put off a deal with Death for so long before Death came to collect.

So she sat with her back on the half-crumbled wall, she pressed her right hand on her wound and pulled her phone out with her left. She dialed the number and waited.

Maybe she had been right in her assessment that Maria would somehow know. That maybe she knew already. That Clint would have blabbed everything out to her while crying as soon as Natasha was a goner. But now the thought she might have been wrong was too unbearable.

“Romanoff, where the hell are you?”

“East wing, second floor. My safe comm has been hijacked and I have three shot wounds,” she could hear Maria giving orders and people starting to move. “It's useless. Don't send them, it's dangerous here.”

“That's why I'm sending them, they have to get you out.”

“Hill. I have three shot wounds,” she repeated. “I'm not going to make it.”

“That's bullshit, Natasha. I'm- I'm coming myself.”

“It's too dangerous and I'm dying.”

“Than why did you call for backup?”

She could hear Maria's desperation slightly peek into her voice and she almost wanted to laugh at the obvious answer to that question. At how Maria Hill, agent extraordinaire, couldn't phantom what kind of call it was. It was hilarious, wasn't it? No, it wasn't, it was probably the adrenaline. Dying could do that to you, occasionally, Natasha had learned in time.

“This is not a mayday. This is a goodbye call.”

“And you didn't call Clint or Fury or-”

“No, Maria. I don't have a lot of time so just let me say this,” she could feel the words forming harder in her brain and taking longer to reach her mouth.

“Okay.”

“I-” deep breath “-have never-” deep breath “-met anyone-” another breath “-as utterly annoying and infuriating as you are.”

“This is the last thing you want to say before you die? I'm going to save you just so I can fucking murder you.”

“And I have never met anyone-” another very deep breath “-as effortlessly stunning and brave and fierce and beautiful. I thought I wasn't capable of this type of love, but you forced me to learn how to love like this. Because life's too miserable and lonely and short, to meet someone as spectacular as you and not fall in love.”

There was no answer. Nothing. Maria had nothing to say to that. Natasha had told herself so many times that it didn't matter if Maria didn't feel the same, but right then and there, she felt like nothing else in the world mattered but that.

She was about to add something when the noise of a door busting open somewhere distracted her. A tall figure was standing beside her. Then, there were arms around her and she was being lift off the floor.

“You can't say all of that and then not make it, Romanoff. Keep your eyes open and keep talking to me, I'm getting you out.”

“I kinda,” her eyes just started drifting. Maria was so warm and her arms were so comfortable and she was so tired. “I kinda said everything I had to.”

“Well I didn't. I have so many things to say to you and you're going to have to listen, so just keep those gorgeous eyes open and talk to me.”

Natasha smiled a little. “See? I told her. It wasn't wasted time, I told her.”

“What? Who are you talking to?”

“An old friend,” Natasha murmured. Then, everything went black.

//

When Natasha opened her eyes again, Maria was sitting beside her bed, holding her hand. As soon as Natasha started to stir, she pressed the button to call for medical help, then turned her attention to Natasha.

“Hi, there. How are you feeling?”

“Like I was shot three times.”

Maria almost, almost smiled at that.

“I love you too, idiot.”

Natasha smirked. “Good.”

“Good.” Maria smiled, too.