#maybe. I just won’t go home. maybe I’ll go get Panera and sit and watch on my phone

[queencaramilflinda]

I am so mad I want to watch the Ravening war premier live but I have my first archery lesson tomorrow right before then and it’s a 40 minute drive home 😭

[kaseylynnwriting]

First Meeting- Finn and Yvette

“I think you’re just being pa— FINN, stop!” I slammed on the breaks, sending us both lurching forward into the dashboard.

“What the hell was that for?” I demanded. Before she could answer, something hopped up on the hood. A slender orange and white cat peered at me through the windshield, it’s dark eyes narrowed. I felt a chill go down my spine and spread through my fingers.

She unbuckled and threw open her door.

“Stupid cat—”

Before it could make a move, Adalie had it by the scruff of its neck and brought it back into the car.

“You almost got hit. You got a death wish or what?!” She demanded, holding it out and scolding it as though it had any earthly idea what she was saying.

“Put it down before it scratches you.” I hissed. From the way that it’s fur’d started to fluff up along its tail, I knew that it wasn’t thrilled with being manhandled.

I won’t scratch her. I’ll just bite the end of her nose off.

The voice came from inside my head. I froze, my fingers tense against the steering wheel. With a shaky breath, I pulled up to the exit and started to watch for an opportunity to make a left turn. No way. There’s no way. I imagined it. It was just… my subconscious. Intrusive thoughts. Maybe I’ve been playing too many video games. I leaned forward to see past a line of bushes that blocked the view of the road. One car to the right, three left… Turning was always a bit of a risk, but most students learned how to time it correctly without causing a massive pile up. A few honks were commonplace, but there hadn’t been a wreck since the first day of school- and that was remarkable. I managed to turn and ignored the warning beep from the Jeep Wrangler I’d somewhat cut off.

“We can’t take it all of the way home with us,” I said. Adalie relinquished her hold on the cat, and it had bounded into the backseat.

I hate to break it to ya, but it looks like that’s exactly where I’m going. I watched, in the rearview, as it circled a few times, its claws digging into the faux leather with tiny popping sounds.

You aren’t speaking. I know that. It’s just my subconscious.

I’m glad you’re already sitting down, because I am most definitely the one speaking. Just stay calm. We don’t want you to crash or almost hit any other cats, do we?

“Hey, don’t forget about the Panera order…” Adalie said, motioning to the street ahead. I pulled over into the right turn lane and waited for the cars on the other side to finish crossing over.

This isn’t possible. I gotta be losing it. That’s the only explanation.

Maybe we should start with introductions, first. My name is Yvette and I am your guardian.

What, like guardian angel? I snorted. Adalie turned to look at me, her brow furrowed.

“Are you okay? You got randomly, weirdly quiet all of a sudden. Is it the cat? I don’t think its gonna attack you. We can let her out once we get home. I just don’t want it wandering around near such a busy road where she absolutely will get squashed.”

“Yvette.” I said reflexively. “Her name is Yvette.”

“You named her?”

“It just…feels like a good name.”

“You don’t know if its a girl, anyway. Aren’t most orange cats boys?”

“I just know that she’s a girl, Adalie. I can’t really explain it. I just know that’s what she wants her name to be.”

Her mouth curved into an amused little grin. Turning in the seat, she reached her hand out towards the back. Yvette huffed, her tail swishing back and force as she eyed her fingers with what I could only describe as complete and utter disdain. With a scowl, she pulled her hand back. With a purr, Yvette settled into the seat, curling her paws in under herself. I turned into the parking lot.

“Are you planning on keeping her?”

“I don’t know. We can figure that out later. Go get our food.”

“Why do I have to get it?”

“Because I paid for it, I drove you here. I picked you up from school.”

“You go to the same school. It’s not like it was out of y-”

“Just go and get the damn food. Please.” She mumbled something under her breath, mocking me, no doubt, but got out of the car and slammed the door behind her.

“Okay,” I spun around in the seat. Yvette popped open one eye and stretched out before hopping up onto the center console.

“You’ve got until she comes back to tell me what’s going on. What are you? Why are you hear?”

I can’t answer every question you have right now.

[misterbitches]

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas. 

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL. 

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t 

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers! 

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die. 

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts  more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more.  i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done) 

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom. 

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through. 

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao.  basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman.  anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord. 

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop. 

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t.  beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when  i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are. 

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of  bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid. 

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc. 

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me) 

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao 

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and  i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex) 

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

[helpmyheavydirtysoul]

Starting here - Day 1

So, since my mental health has kind of been doing it’s own thing lately, I’ve decided to use this platform as sort of a journal. I mean, isn’t that what a lot of people do on here? I’m just going to spill my thoughts on here everyday. Whether something drastic happens or I just decided to get out of bed that day. Maybe it’ll help, maybe it won’t. But it’s worth a try and like I always say, “I’ll try anything once.” So, here it goes.....

Today is Saturday and it was a pretty decent day. Got to do the tiny humans nails today. Well, just her right hand because she didn’t have the patience to sit through the other hand. After that, I finally got around to soaking off the nails on my silicon practice hand (it only took me 3 days). But, hey, one step at a time. I then got the urge to watch some more Fruits Basket, so I went to the bedroom, laid down and turned the PS5 on. Tiny human wanted to finish up her mac n’ cheese she got from Panera before she decided to join me for some cuddles. My eyes started to get heavy and eventually I drifted off to sleep. I think I slept for about an hour and a half. Then my man-child called me to let me know he’ll be going to his brother’s tomorrow and that he’ll be home soon. Once I hung up the phone with him, I laid there for another thirty minutes before I decided to get up.

Tiny human and I made our way out in to the living room and she was showing me videos of kids playing Super Mario Party. She told me she wanted to play too and I thought it might be fun, as well, so I booted up my Switch and bought the game. We both waited (her impatiently) for the game to download. We didn’t get to play for very long because the attention span of a four year old isn’t very long. She began to get frustrated and I decided that was enough. She wanted to play something different. I showed her Just Dance 2020 and she had a blast with that for about 20 minutes before she wanted to play Fall Guys on the PS4 because, ya know, tiny human, tiny attention span. I started up Fall Guys and then she decided she was hungry and we argued about her eating in the living room. Needless to say, I won and she was ready to eat a PB&J at the dining room table, not before she cried, refused to eat it because I didn’t cut it in the right type of triangles. I cut it diagonally, like you’re supposed to, right? Wrong. It was clearly not the right way. She told me she didn’t want it and I wasn’t going to force her. So, I told her it was time for bed because it was almost 9:30pm and it was already past her bedtime. I left the untouched sandwich on the table and tucked her in to bed.

Man-child finally came home and I could start dinner. I decided to use my bamboo steamer and make the beef gyoza and seafood dumplings I bought at the Asian grocery store. I steamed them and then my brother pan fried them up because I prefer mine fried and not steamed. I also made a homemade gyoza dipping sauce with roasted sesame seed oil, rice vinegar, soy sauce, honey, some garlic powder and some onion powder. It was pretty on point and quite delicious. The seafood dumplings weren’t all that great but the beef & veggie gyoza was so good. Especially, pan fried. Highly suggest. So, Man-child, brother and I sat down and enjoyed our quick dinner. Once we were done, Man-child went out to his man cave (the shed) for a bit and I went in to my cave (the office) and did my nails. 

I’m really in to reverse stamping right now and it really helps with my creative noggin achieve the look it craves. I’m not super great at free-hand art on nails, so the reverse stamping really helps with that. I needed to cover up my naked nails because they are currently detaching themselves from the nail bed. I think it may be because of an iron deficiency because they are also starting to “spoon”. I’m going to call the doctors office on Monday to make an appointment to talk to her about it. I’m hoping it’s just an iron deficiency and not a thyroid problem. So, I’m just going to have to get the blood work done and find out what is wrong with me. At least I can use the blood work for my therapist’s office too. That way I don’t have to get double the needles in my arm *sigh of relief*.  BUT! Enough about that and back to one of the only hobbies that has ever kept my interest for this long, nails. So, I did one design on my left and another on my right, while I watched the original Ben 10 on Hulu. 

Once I was done my nails, I had an urge to check out tumblr. I logged in to my old account and realized I had only touched it for about an hour and wanted to use it for all it’s worth. So, here I am... starting here.... day one *sigh*. Well, that’s all I’ve got for today. I’m going to go lay in bed, play on my phone until about 3am and then attempt to fight my anxiety and finally get to sleep. Whoever decides to read this, fair warning, I’ve got a lot of things to figure out and I’m really just writing this for myself. But, I understand this is social media and this is definitely not private. I guess I didn’t make it private because maybe someone will realize they aren’t alone and can relate to my life. It is what it is, I guess. Hopefully I wake up tomorrow better than I was today. 

[pisati]

I already posted on main about it and I’ve got nowhere else to really vent. I know my co-receptionist is active on twitter and I don’t know if she’s ever tried to look for me (probably not), but I don’t want to risk complaining where she could possibly see.

it’s just been a long, shitty week. and it’s only tuesday. we had two euthanasias yesterday and two today. usually we get one TOPS in a week. most weeks we don’t have any. 

I don’t know how many weeks we’ve been doing this now, but it’s definitely been over a month. I’ve worked with the lead receptionist a bunch since I started. she’s nice, but she’s very much got her own personality. she’s from new jersey, and that’s the explanation for a lot of her attitude, she says. I respect her and how well she knows herself and her boundaries. but I really feel like she could be a little nicer. I get that she’s worked in healthcare for a long time and she’s seen some shit but she acts like she knows everything and sometimes it’s just really insensitive.

I don’t think she means to sound rude, but there have been times when I’ve been talking about something and she’s only half-listening, usually because she’s working on something, and she’ll finish what she was doing and go “now what are you babbling about?” she did it to one of the techs the other day too. I know she just means to ask “what were you saying?” but it really makes me feel like whatever I’m saying is just nonsense to her, like I’m running at the mouth and whatever it is isn’t important. 

we listen to what she wants to listen to. for 12 straight hours, 3 days a week, every week. according to her my music taste is respectable, but “a lot of sad-sackery”, so we listen to her music. we have limited overlap, but I don’t say anything. not because I don’t want to start an argument, I’m pretty much cool with whatever. but I’ve noticed that when we listen to what she likes, it’s often just a small handful of things she likes. I KNOW DMX has way more songs than just the same few. same with nicki minaj and beyonce. we’ve listened to some rage against the machine, which I can appreciate, but there are definitely way more songs than just killing in the name, bombtrack, take the power back, and know your enemy. I’ve listened to musical soundtracks. we did les mis and chicago and maybe a few others last week. I’ve sat there and watched videos I didn’t care to watch, because she’s really enthused about black opera singers and bruce springsteen and whomever the fuck else, because I like to think I’m a nice person and when someone is excited about something and wants to share it I let them be fucking excited about it, even if I don’t give half a flying fuck about it. today was a disney day, apparently, so I listened to soundtracks for mary poppins, the little mermaid, and beauty and the beast. sound of music too. whatever other eclectic songs tickle her fancy on any given day. but I’ve noticed it seems to just be the things she likes. I’ve come to work on disney days before but I don’t recall hearing soundtracks to more than just a few movies. I tried to get her to listen to a little hozier once or twice; since she’s a singer we often end up talking about vocal talent. and I was trying to show her what a great vocalist he is. she listened to maybe a few seconds of a song or two and, nah, not her taste. she gets why someone like me would like his voice, though. today she was laughing about something one of the techs had said; we have a whiteboard in the back hallway and every week or so someone (her, maybe?) puts up a prompt and people can write their responses. ya know, team bonding, sorta. this week she’d put up “what two famous people would you like to have dinner with?” and one of the techs had written “leo dicaprio and billie eilish”. and she was laughing about it. she’s not a fan of billie’s popular stuff. I told her about how I didn’t think I’d much like billie at first, but I listened to her whole album and I was surprised, I thought she had a really nice voice. just.. nope. I asked if I could play one song. just one. nope, nope, nope. she’d listened to half a second of each song on her album and decided she didn’t like any of them. I didn’t press.

yesterday she really just... ugh. the head vet had come up to the front desk to tell us that a really sweet client offered to buy us lunch, and did we have any ideas on what we’d like? they were thinking panera. I wasn’t sure if there was anything there I’d eat, but I’d take a look at the menu. my coworker had piped up with “she’s like super picky” and then ensued the “so what do you eat?” conversation. I didn’t really have much to say, since I’m tired of that fucking question and I don’t have such a small palate that I can just list off everything. she interrupted with “mac and cheese, I know that.” I forget what else she said, but I tried to explain that it was a sensory issue and there’s actually a disorder that involves a sensory rejection of food that lasts well into adulthood, and she was just sitting there next to me trying to hold back laughs. I asked her what was funny, she goes “it just sounds like picky eating, like it sounds so ridiculous”. 

yeah, because I love being 25 and not being able to go to more than a tiny handful of restaurants with friends because those few places have one thing on the menu I’ll eat. I fucking love being too deeply embarrassed to special-order anything plain that I’d rather not eat at all. I love the “so what DO you eat” question, I love being laughed at and made fun of, I love feeling like a child who could never “grow out of it”. I really fucking love it, that’s why I continue to do this to myself. fuck’s sake.

this is the person who takes euthanasias so seriously that she’ll fuck anyone’s day up if they interrupt her while she’s getting paperwork together or if they’re being loud while the owner is in the room. she told me about her home health care work and how she dealt with a lot of people who were in hospice and she was real sympathetic to just about anything, because they were dying. I know I’m not dying, this doesn’t involve death, but the complete lack of empathy towards me just... really hurts. here I am trying to explain myself the way I always feel the need to, because I apparently have to have a fucking reason why I’m so picky, and she won’t hear any of it. she was fucking laughing at me. 

I don’t feel disliked at my job, but I’m getting that feeling like I did in high school and college. like I’m both a part of something and not. I know I’m weird and a little awkward, but... she talks to people on the other team and they leave memes for each other. there’s a new girl on the other team who only started a month or two ago, but my co-receptionist is leaving memes for her specifically; the new girl even called today and she picked up, and they were having a riot of a conversation from what I could hear; a lot of genuine laughter, and I could hear the way she was talking, it sounded just so natural. a lot of the time with me she doesn’t quite sound like that. she’s got a pretty dirty sense of humor, and she was leaving some pretty gross memes for the new girl, meanwhile there was a video she’d shown the new doctor and the head vet that she didn’t want to show me because she “wasn’t sure if we were there yet”. she’d already described it to me, and she finally showed it to me today; it was just some nerdy guy singing about pussy in an 80s R&B voice. nothing I couldn’t have found somewhere on the internet myself. hell, it’s probably already floating around tumblr somewhere. idk, I don’t feel disliked but I am starting to feel left out. like, even the new people are more integrated than I am, and I’ve been there 8 months. I don’t know why this happens to me literally everywhere I go. every job, every school (except IUP somehow??), fucking everything. I just never feel like a true part of anything and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m not unfriendly. I don’t think I’m unapproachable. maybe I really just am that boring.

I’m just really tired of this. when she was out sick that one day last week, and I had to handle 13 straight hours of reception basically by myself, with some help from the office manager, I actually felt less tired than when she was there. I feel like I have to put on a face for her, like I have to pretend to be interested in whatever she’s going on about all day. I can’t say anything to her because she’s the lead receptionist, but it’s been getting on my nerves lately that I try to actually do work and she’s sitting there looking at memes, telling me she has to find this particular one of jason momoa so she can print it out have it at her desk because he’s just so attractive

I didn’t get a break yesterday, because our doctors were lagging so far behind and I had to keep the phones on. she left to go do something, and I was left to answer phones by myself. I almost didn’t get a break today either; there were still one or two clients left by 1pm and I couldn’t turn the phones over to the break message, and she had a thing to do with her car so she’d be back. I forget how I ended up mentioning that I didn’t get a break yesterday either and she was like “well that’s me the other times the doctors are behind. it’s your turn”. and while that is fair... one of the techs came up to talk to her after she’d left. she looked at me and was like, “where’s trish?” and I was like “... on break”. and she looked at me and I looked at her and she was like “...she’s been taking more breaks than any of us”. and I was like “yyyyep.” she goes out a few times during the day to have a cigarette too. usually when it’s quiet, but of course in the space of 10 minutes there’s a lot that can happen. often it does. thankfully today we had those last few clients out by 1:30 so I did get to clock out, and she let me stay off the clock until 2:30. but if the doctors were as behind today as they were yesterday, I’d have had no break today either.

we pretty much only ever talk about what she wants to talk about. she’s constantly interrupting me or talking over me, so I just let her talk. I’ve heard more about her wild sex life back in her 20s than I’d ever care to know. today she told a story three times (once to me, once to the head vet, and once to one of the techs) about how she can accurately guess a man’s dick size by the way he walks, and how she did this to some guy she dated in her early 20s and he was surprised by it. I don’t want to make things tense or awkward by saying I don’t want to talk about these things and I’d personally rather listen to music that keeps me calm and just quietly scan, fax, label, and attach things in between the periodic phone calls, but I can hardly get a word in edgewise anyway, so it’s mostly just me listening. she’s let me know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t like rats and doesn’t think they’re cute; doesn’t want to see pictures of them, just.. nothing. I personally think that you can’t claim to love animals if you only love the ones you think are cute. but I don’t even know if she does. I couldn’t tell you why she’s working at a vet clinic. 

it’s fucking exhausting. it’d be exhausting with alexa too, I know that for a fact. I’m getting better at my job but I still need a supervising receptionist, so either way I’d have to deal with one of the two. I’m just glad it’s only 3 days a week, but even my 4 day weekends are flying by. the days are all blending together and I’m having a hard time getting my brain to work. none of this is easy. but it definitely doesn’t help to have to work with someone who’s so rigid about everything they do; like, I spend all fucking day listening to what you have to say and listening to every single song you want to listen to and watching every stupid video you think is funny (though some of them are; other times it’s like.. something reminded her of a veggie tales episode so now we have to watch it), and I can’t even play one song I like because you’ve listened to a split second of it and automatically think you don’t like it? the fuck, dude.

just.. the way she acts like she knows everything about the way people act, and how little tolerance she has for bullshit. I appreciate that second bit, but there’s other times when she really just has no sympathy and I feel like everything would be easier if she did. yesterday our one doctor was lagging really far behind and she was getting so annoyed because he had all this time for his appointments and people were having to wait and he never caught up all day; one of the clients ended up being one who was VERY particular about estimates and payments and shit and apparently he’d fucked something up after she had told him and the tech well ahead of time to be very careful with her. and she’d about had enough of him after that. by the end of the day he looked like he was either about to cry or had been crying. and he apologized to her for fucking up; I forget exactly what he said and she accepted his apology, but it almost seemed superficial. she had had it. the second she was done with her shit for the night she left. I stayed a few extra minutes to do something, but... like, even I could tell there was more to the story there. you don’t just lag all day for no reason, and especially not when you have to start the day on a euthanasia that wasn’t expected. I get that when you’ve worked with people for so many years you end up with a low tolerance for bullshit, but come on. I’ve been dealing with shitty people my whole life but I at least understand what it’s like to have a bad day. this particular doctor, a lottttt of the staff has a problem with, for many reasons. he’s only ever been nice to me, and I don’t know a lot of what goes on that annoys reception and the techs so much (often it’s some of his medical decisions, which... I wouldn’t know anything about that. how am I supposed to know what his rationale was for prescribing meloxidyl for a rhodesian ridgeback? the owner asked me for a refill and I requested it). so I guess some people’s patience runs low with him. but even so, I don’t think I could ever lack empathy that much. no matter how long I do this shit. I was tempted to ask him if he was okay, but I figured he had a lot on his plate to get to. he was there til like 10 last night, and his worklist was really long today too. I could tell he’s been on edge since last week. it’s not my business to know why, and I don’t have to. just be fucking nice to people, lmao

for someone who’s so picky about her music taste, she’s got no fucking right to talk about my eating. she won’t even venture outside the things she likes. she decides once that she doesn’t like something and that’s the end of it. so why is it suddenly a problem when I don’t want to try a variety of foods?

I’m just. really frustrated. I don’t want to have to vent about my coworkers but I’m not going to get through this easily. we don’t even know how long we’re going to have to do this. I found out today alexa’s husband is now in the hospital; they’re treating it like COVID and/or really bad pneumonia, but what the fuck does that mean for her team? for mine? did she bring germs to the clinic? is she going to have to quarantine along with her team? is my team going to have to run shit? I have no idea, and I only found out about this through facebook. I haven’t heard anything else from anyone. we do sanitize between teams so there’s a low risk of cross-contamination, but... we don’t get everything. there’s no way to.

I need to go to bed soon. I’m so glad tomorrow’s my friday. I’m ready for this week to be over.

[whoiskt]

Doing this year-end thing for me again

1: What did you do in 2019 that you’d never done before?

Told a man I loved him, graduated college, said goodbye to a loved one, lived alone, gave a eulogy, was Maid of Honor, went to a bachelorette party, and saw my favorite band in concert!!

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I forgot whatever my resolution was. Most likely I didn’t complete it then oof. Although there’s a strong possibility my resolution was just to survive the rest of senior year which was a valid resolution and I made it.

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

No, but my other sister is married now. I’ve given up hope on my oldest sister, but there’s new hope now. Maybe soon I will be auntie.

4: Did anyone close to you die?

My grandma passed away from cancer at the end of May. I’m happy to know she’s not suffering anymore but I miss her. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with a loss like this.

5: What countries did you visit?

Still have never left the country. Furthermost I traveled this year was to the U.P.

6: What would you like to have in 2020 that you lacked in 2019?

More money, less debt! Please, I need a real job ASAP!

7: What dates from 2019 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May 30th because that’s when my grandma passed. November 15th because that’s when Erika was married!

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Graduating.

9: What was your biggest failure?

The hundred rejection emails I have for jobs in my inbox. Please employ me for your video production needs.

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

No, but my allergies were really bad this year. For a while there I was having to take allergy meds everyday on schedule just to be able to breath. And I hate taking pills unless totally necessary.

11: What was the best thing you bought?

My graduation present to myself was my studio apartment. I know I didn’t buy it technically but living alone is an opportunity some people never get so paying the rent for no-pants-zone is best thing.

12: Whose behavior merited celebration?

I think mine deserves to be celebrated in the form of a job offer soon. Of course, I love all my friends and family who bring love into my life and make it worth living. My bf has been by my side through thick and thin this year and lord knows I’ve been depressed lately so I’m very thankful for him.

13: Whose behavior made you appalled?

If you might recall, my boyfriend’s friend group is all messed up right now from a huge cheating scandal. That’s a really long story but I think that was the wildest and worst thing of the year. So S/O to those snakes.

14: Where did most of your money go?

Tuition. Rent. Food. Where it always goes.

15: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Love! Friendship! Vacation! Graduation! Being free!

16: What song will always remind you of 2019?

All I know is if I ever hear another Panera Playlist Song(tm) I’m gonna wreck whatever device is playing one of those songs. Seriously that place has made me hate “Big Yellow Taxi” which was previously a song I hadn’t heard in YEARS.

17: Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

Sad to announce. Sadder. About the same. Poorer.

18: What do you wish you’d done more of?

Been successful in my endeavors. Be creative. Gotten something done so I had something to show for myself.

19: What do you wish you’d done less of?

Sit around and do nothing. Kept my feelings bottled up.

20: How did you spend Christmas?

Home with the family. There’s no where else to be. Although part of the family was missing, and Will didn’t show up until later... it was still a good Christmas!

21: Did you fall in love in 2019?

A little more each day

22: What was your favorite TV program?

Things I enjoyed this year: Bojack Horseman. The Good Place. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure. Breaking Bad. Better Call Saul. Documentary Now! Madoka Magica. Death Parade. Doctor Stone. (yes my bf really conned me into watching all this anime) Tuca and Bertie. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. A Series of Unfortunate Events.

23: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I’m not much of a hater. Don’t have it in me.

24: What was the best book you read?

I’m gonna be real with you fam, haven’t been reading much this year :/

25: What was your greatest musical discovery?

Uhhh, Cosmo Sheldrake. Lizzo. Idk I’m not very good at following artists it’s more like a heard a few good songs.

26: What did you want and get?

Out of college. A studio apartment. Away from all the stuff about college that wasn’t actually college but still made me feel bad like the people around there and stuff.

27: What did you want and not get?

A MOTHERFUCKING START TO MY CAREER!!

28: What was your favorite film of this year?

I was so poor all year I didn’t see like any movies :’( And I’ve also been super depressed lately so my memory is failing as to what I even saw. You know, I liked “Us” a lot so I’ll just go with that.

29: What one thing that made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Knowing I don’t have to go back to school and soon I won’t have to live in this city anymore.

30: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018?

A poor person who has like 3 good outfits that are “looks” and just has to keep re-wearing them in different combinations.

31: What kept you sane?

I went insane this year. Honestly every now and then someone would just be really unexpectedly nice and kind to me and it would be like a slap in the face to me and I would feel better.

32: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Man, I do not care about celebs.

33: What political issue stirred you the most?

This year? Climate change still. Also how fucked up Parking Enforcement and the local government is around here like I’m going to burn this place to the ground I hate it here so much and I’m POLITICIZING IT!!!

34: Who did you miss?

My grandma. My cat because she never comes out even when I come to visit.

35: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2019.

People be lying. 

36: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Only thing that’s coming to mind is “Oooh, I gotta get out of here.”

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. i am starting at 10:40!!! i was grading. i wanted to finish two sections today since i didn’t get much else accomplished.

in the morning i was working on my note catch-up. i accidentally forgot mom and my brother were coming to pick me up. mom wanted a “long lunch” and i said no. i think i mentioned that yesterday. she drove like a blind person again and almost plowed right into someone in the lane next to us trying to make a left turn.

what ended up happening was that we went to panera and after i ate i said i was ready to leave and then mother decided to just not leave. also my brother got some trash dumped on him accidentally and he was pretty upset about that since he had to sit on the plane all day. i think he had a change of pants at least.

so it took a little bit to cajole her into leaving the restaurant, and then we spent some time at my apartment and again it was difficult to get her to leave so i could go to the office and work. i got to the office at about 1:30 which was disappointing but could have been a lot worse.

at about 3:00 harrison rolled in and sat at the desk across from me and started chatting. we talked for a long time... i wanted to get more work done but i think it helped a little to express my frustration at not being able to keep up with my classmates in our classwork. he said his grades aren’t that good and he’d feel bad lending me his homework to work off of. i think i might have to ask him to do that though because suzanne never got back to me about the help. harrison said he would help at least but like... it would be a lot of help. he said he doesn’t have anything left to do this week because he accomplished everything he wanted to over the break. i congratulated him, honestly.

jennica and i had a discussion about harry potter and star wars prompted by her laughing about her mother starting to watch dr. who. it got extremely stressful for me extremely quickly. i think i was having a panic attack? i could not think at all and my mouth felt thick and heavy and i had trouble making sentences when i didn’t a few minutes before. my head started hurting real fast too.

i was trying to say that i didn’t like the prequels, and that the force awakens had just been a rehash of a new hope. harrison seemed to pick up on my meaning there but jennica kept talking about how it was totally different, she grew up watching the prequels so she liked them.

if you had trouble following that train of thought, i did too. that didn’t help me become more coherent either. it felt like she was arguing against points only tangentially related to what i was actually saying. 

like i said fantastic beasts had too many plotlines to fit into a two-hour movie and she said they were all going to be continued in the next installment. i said it kinda sucked that the memories all got erased at the end and that rebuilding the city in a one-minute scene kind of destroyed the stakes there. she said that the muggle guy did actually subconsciously remember the whole adventure and that he’d be showing up in the next movie too. 

it didn’t line up with what i was saying very much and that repeatedly threw me off. i think i was getting genuinely angry and that might have been why i felt so sick. mom and dad and my sister do that to me a lot too.

i guess i’m too cynical but it feels like so many of these sequels are more about the cash grab than telling a coherent story set in a very, very small universe. i was trying to talk about how the harry potter universe doesn’t make a lot of sense once you leave harry’s narrative and she kept coming back to these spinoffs. i mentioned native american magic in the harry potter world and she said the wizarding school in the us was built by a british guy. which didn’t address my point at all.

so like, trying to expand on a universe that ONLY serves the narrative of one character stops working when you’re making a cinematic universe or whatever. since the barrel’s so dry it feels like a cash grab. i dunno. i just feel like harry potter and star wars are culturally overblown. like they’re good stories, they’re solid and i like them, but the widespread obsession is really confusing to me.

thinking about it is making my thoughts hazy. i can’t seem to put together a paragraph of coherent thoughts on one topic about it. i run into this problem when i try to talk to other people in a fandom too. it stresses me out. i had a headache that whole time i was composing that message to the artist i liked on deviantart the other day. 

it doesn’t happen to the same extent, but it does happen when i try to talk about pokemon with other people who know what they’re doing. when i’m explaining the basic rules to someone like harrison, who doesn’t know a lot about it, i feel fine, but talking movesets... unless i’m sharing something that i’m proud of it’s a huge blur to me.

GEE IT’S LIKE THAT WHEN I TRY TO TAKE TESTS TOO???

it’s miserable.

something good is that i graded TWO sections today AND organized some lecture notes for my final lab this week. and i completely caught up on classical mechanics notes. i need one quantum lecture and i might be able to wring it out of jake. he and suzanne can be... unreliable. i’m not sure what’s going on there. jennica said she’s had a lot of trouble exchanging more than one message with suzanne too so it’s not just me. it’s aggravating that the messages register as “read” and she also posts in the main group chat but only replies to one private message every few days. and the response is usually a greeting.

i really need to do homework... i’m worried. i’m always worried.

ok the good thing. i uh, i also rode most of the way home in a gear higher than usual. i Went Fast. and i’m on schedule for grading. if i can grade one section per day through next saturday i’ll be done for the semester.

harrison said the lab we just finished before the break is very easy to grade... maybe this won’t be a 2/3-hour time sink every single day.

i know it’s not true but i can hope anyway.

it’s almost 11:10. i can’t keep writing or doing homework. i need to sleep. i’m still kinda sick. still have to live next to a tissue box. it’s been ten days.

[oakpodcast]

Transmission 5

Transcript:

Transmission 5

HOLLY:

If you're a new listener, make sure to start from the very beginning.

MUSIC: Solitude by Muciojad

Intro

SOUND: Water flowing, swings squeaking, children playing

HOLLY:

Um... (lovingly, with a small laugh) hi, I guess. I know it's been a while since I reported in. It's been a lot to take in.

HOLLY:

I don't actually know when this will make it into my feed? I now have to submit all my audio messages for censoring and approval, and we both know how... wonderfully efficient the government is.

HOLLY:

I feel... odd now that I know you really are listening. I feel... self conscious, which is not something I ever expected to feel talking to you.

HOLLY:

I know you would never judge me, but I still wonder what you've thought about my "adventures."

HOLLY:

I'm really glad you're still alive. (Voice breaking slightly) I didn't know if I'd ever hear your voice again. And I still have so much left to say! God, I miss you so much.

HOLLY:

(shifting quickly to angry) But goddammit! What did I make you promise me before you left? "Promise me you won't go out and try to kill him."

HOLLY:

So, naturally, what did you decide to do? (scoffs) You went out and tried to kill him!

HOLLY:

You know how America punishes treason, you stupid idiot! When I think about what could have happened, I— (inhales and exhales shakily)

HOLLY:

So. That's why it's taken me so long to record this. Every time I sit down to talk to you, I get so upset I, I forget how to talk. I thought knowing would be better than not knowing, but... (sighs)

SOUND: .-. . -. -.. . --.. ...- --- ..- ...

Surveillance

HOLLY:

I've gotten a few messages about this, so I guess I should go on record and say: yes, I did know I was being monitored this whole time. Or, at least, I strongly suspected.

HOLLY:

But no, Oak, to answer your question, I never seriously considered going off the radar.

HOLLY:

When I first woke up here, I didn't snap my sim card or trash my phone like I wanted to. Just... think about it logically, y'know?

HOLLY:

First of all, why would anyone go to all the trouble of drugging me, kidnapping me, and setting me up in a new country, just... to then... kill me? That doesn't make any sense.

HOLLY:

It would be way too inefficient, even for the military. And way too much unpaid busy work for a private assassin.

HOLLY:

Secondly, I'm not exactly in a position where I can finance my own phone plan. And my phone has been my lifeline here!

HOLLY:

Thirdly, it just seemed like a stupid idea. Either it would have made it harder for my allies to keep me safe, or it would have  made my enemies angrier.

HOLLY:

Either way, shaking off surveillance seemed like a terrible idea. So I that's why I decided not to do anything except re-install my old VPN.

HOLLY:

Speaking of decisions...

SOUND: -... -.--

Sitrep

HOLLY:

SitRep: It's May 14th. It's Mother's Day, a Predators game, and HOT AS FUCK. (Sighs) Have I mentioned that I hate the heat?

HOLLY:

More importantly, it's 8 days past the deadline. The point of no return. Barring an act of God, or... the military I guess, I'm going to see this through to the end now.

HOLLY:

I had a pretty good idea I wasn't going to be able to make it in time. I spent so many weeks, just, distraught over it. But finally, just a day or two before I got that phone call, I realized... why? Why am I making myself sick with stress trying to fix someone else's massive fuckup?

HOLLY:

This isn't junior high (thank goodness). I don't have to fix the whole group project by myself the night before it's due. And yes, I am still holding that grudge from 1998. I will always hold that grudge against you, just for the record. I got my first white hair from that project. Thanks a lot.

HOLLY:

Anyway. I know what the right thing to do is. And I know what I'm probably going to do, which is... not that.

HOLLY:

What part of this surprised you? That I wasn't a completely non-functional mess? Or that I didn't feel at all like you assumed I would? I would have told you my thoughts on all this shit if you'd asked, but you never did. Never do...

HOLLY:

Thanks for the encouragement, though, I guess? Don't worry. (laughs) I'm "not throwing away my shot." Nerd.

HOLLY:

I can't believe we haven't talked in months, and you say goodbye to me with a Hamilton quote. (Giggles) Thanks.

SOUND: ... . .--. -

Missing

HOLLY:

Anyway, I think I can do this! Alone, even, if I really had to, but...

HOLLY:

You are... doing your best, right? You're not going to do something stupid and impulsive and get yourself killed? Please... don't.

HOLLY:

See, I'm a little nervous because you kept saying, "Okay, but if I go missing, you hide like your life depends on it. Don't let them get their hands on you!"

HOLLY:

I'm sure you're just being paranoid. Covering all your bases, just in case. 

HOLLY:

But what do you know that I don't? What didn't you tell me?

SOUND: ----.

The Other Mission

HOLLY:

The field assessment to prove my competence, or whatever, it's  finally getting underway now that I have a vague idea of what's going on. Turns out, I need context to do a good job.

HOLLY:

I don't know how much I can comment on that due to the whole (imitating Willard) "Don't. Talk. About. ANYTHING. Classified!" thing. But it's going pretty well, all things considered!

HOLLY:

I know I could stop this any time I wanted. And believe me, a lot of me thinks, "Maybe I should." But I'm already more than halfway done! I would be so pissed off if I had to start all the way over from the beginning. No. I'm just going to get this bullshit over with and move on with my life.

HOLLY:

Hey, with any luck, I'll be finished by the time you get home. It would be great to have a month or two to spare to get our new place painted and furnished. Bought.

HOLLY:

Where do you want to live when we're free? I don't really want to go back to Ottawa anymore. Maybe somewhere Scandinavian, maybe? I don't care, as long as it's cold and not Alabama. Anywhere but Alabama, PLEASE. 

SOUND: .-. --- ... . ..--..

Inventory

HOLLY:

Thank you so much to Anouk for your generous support each transmission, and to Nico for helping me do laundry this week. And a HUGE thank you to Julia from Spirits Podcast for sending me enough money to buy a better fitting bra. My back and I thank you. And I'm going to check out your podcast just as soon as I'm allowed to drink again.

SOUND: Leia purring

HOLLY:

I know things are starting to look up for me a little, but it's still hard to get by in the meantime. I rely so much on the support I get from all of my listeners. People like you are making sure Leia and I can eat regularly, and I could never properly express how grateful I am for that.

SOUND: .-. .. ...- . .-. ..--..

HOLLY:

Inventory acquired since last transmission... You know what? I'm not going to bother. I haven't acquired much else since last time, and for once, I don't feel the need to cling to rituals and imagination to get through the week. I actually feel really good, for once.

HOLLY:

I can tell you're free, or at least cooperating, because things are suddenly a lot easier for me. I keep getting gift cards in my email—Starbucks, Panera, grocery stores.

HOLLY:

They're always anonymous, but I know at least some of them have to be from you, because they have messages like "Eat some fucking vegetables, nerd!" or "Get decaf!" or "Fruit helps you poop!" (laughs)

HOLLY:

I miss you. And I'm eating a lot healthier now. But I'm still not getting decaf, sorry.

HOLLY:

Now if only someone could just anonymously send me money for a hotel room, or even just an air-conditioned shelter bed... I'm not picky at this point.

SOUND: --- .--. .- .-.. ..--..

Podcasts (Sort of)

HOLLY:

I've been listening to a podcast called Greater Boston this week. It's not as scary as what I normally listen to, but it's cute. It makes me kind of homesick for our college days. Although we had to take commuter rail to get to the Red Line, so we mostly drove everywhere... well, you drove. I navigated, because GPS still sucked back then, but... Anyway.

HOLLY:

Honestly, I wish I were watching Sense8, but I can't get into our old Netflix account, and I'm waiting to start my free trial until closer to when House of Cards comes out. I swear, Oak, if you spoil me on anything...

Outro

HOLLY:

Oh, the Preds game is starting. I'll talk to you soon, hopefully. And, not to sound ungrateful, but if you could please send me some actual money through my PayPal or Patreon, I'd be really appreciative. It's really, really hot out here, and I'm having a hard time with it. I really just need a little more to survive until you come back for me.

MUSIC: Solitude by muciojad

HOLLY:

Be safe, okay? I'm counting on you making it back in one piece.

[theweddingofthefoxes]

are you still accepting prompts? how about a chronically ill Hux and his clueless boyfriend, Kylo?

(Modern AU!)

It seemed as though, from the moment the weather turned cold until it got warm again, Hux had a cold. He hated how stuffed up he was, how much pressure was on his head….and how many tissues he seemed to go through on a regular basis. He’d have to remember to text Kylo and ask him to get more before he got back from work. Hux finished sending the last of his emails and hurried out to the car, thinking about how badly he wanted to just climb into bed and make an early night of it. It didn’t help that it was dark so early in the winter months, ugh. 

Just before he put his key in the ignition, he heard his phone chime–a text from Ren. 

Hope you’re ready for me when I get home. ;) 

Hux sighed. 

The only thing I’m ready for is bed. This cold’s kicking my ass.

There was no reply–Hux didn’t think about that at first, he’d thrown his phone into his briefcase so he could focus on driving home. But when he unlocked the door, went to the bedroom and plugged in his phone, he felt a pang of something anxious when he saw Ren hadn’t responded. It wasn’t like he hadn’t made it clear that he was sick this morning, when he’d insisted on going to work anyway–it was a Friday, if he just made it through, he’d be in the clear til Monday. But what if Ren was having a little tantrum just because…?

Hux had known a lot of people like that, who seemed to view him getting sick as his own fault, an inconvenience to them. It was why he always worked and always kept to his plans–what if people decided he was weak if he didn’t? He hadn’t thought Ren would be the same, but now he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t bothered to ask about the tissues. 

Hux was nearly asleep when he heard the door unlock and Ren enter, flipping on all the lights that Hux hadn’t even bothered with. There was a sound of heavy paper crumpling, and then of Ren shooing the cat away from something. Then Ren entered the darkened bedroom.

“Hey, sorry I was so long. Every high schooler in the county was at Panera bread, apparently. Why are you allowed to take lacrosse sticks into Panera Bread? Jesus. But I got lots of soup.”

Hux sat up. “Hm?”

“I’ve got chicken noodle, but also broccoli and cheddar. Whichever one you don’t pick, I’ll throw in the fridge for tomorrow.”

“Oh, god.” Now Hux felt awful for doubting him. “You didn’t have to go to all this trouble,” he said, accepting the chicken noodle. 

“It’s not trouble. I got myself a sandwich, and I thought, hm.” Ren looked fake-thoughtful. “I guess I’ll get Hux something, too.”

“And you’re not annoyed about…?”

“About what?” Ren seemed genuinely confused. “I don’t have anything to be annoyed about. Unless like, you have a confession to make.”

Hux scooted himself up into a sitting position and popped the plastic lid off the soup. “About your text. I’m just not…really into it right now.”

“Oh, holy shit, I hope that’s not bothering you.” Ren sat down on the edge of the bed. “Tonight I will eat a sandwich and take care of my Hux and watch a movie, and maybe when you’re feeling better we can reschedule me tying you up or whatever.”

“That’s a good idea.” 

“Damn right it is. Eat that soup.”

When Hux came out to use the bathroom later in the night, he saw Ren had also picked up one of those Sam’s Club sized packs of tissues, the kind that ensure you won’t run out until next winter. Hux smiled. 

[newstanmarshblog]

The Average and Unusual Couple: Chapter Four

   Stan gets near to Lydia as he graces to how very beautiful she was. From her dark raven hair that’s in a half ponytail hairstyle, to her gorgeous eye makeup, black upper lip and red lower lip, a long dark purple top, a pair of black leggings, and a light purple and pink sash tied around her waist. He’s never seen a girl with such spooky beauty before. Probably the most beautiful person that he has ever met in his entire life.

   Stan sits next to Lydia at the table, and there was no one else but the two of them.

   Stan: So, Lydia, how are you liking this town so far?

   Lydia: I haven’t seen much of it yet. I’ve only been out once between after moving here and before coming into this school.

   Stan: What did you do while you were out?

   Lydia: It was shopping for my much needed school supplies at Target. And then I ate at Panera Bread on the way back.

   Stan: Do you see anything cool while you were out?

   Lydia: I saw a sign that leads to a trail park.

   Stan: Oh, you mean the Beaver Creek Trail?

   Lydia: Yeah, that one! I definitely want to plan a visit there someday in hope to see a wild Elk. From where I came from, we only had one trail park, and it’s pretty smell. Only takes about an hour to walk around the whole place.

   Stan: It doesn’t sound pretty exciting if you’re looking to do a much longer walk.

   Lydia: True, but it does at least have some decent nature sightings. I’ve seen some deer, skunks, hawks, and a shit load of Canadian geese.

   Stan: Oh yeah, those guys. They’re only common around here during winter.

   Lydia: I usually see them like everyday. Even whenever I’m in my room, I’ll alway hear them flying by.

   Stan: Do you hate them?

   Lydia: Nope. I actually like them. Yeah, they can be annoying at times, but whenever I see them in a skein, it’s a really nice sighting to behold. I’m pretty much an animal lover in a nutshell.

   Stan getting excited: Really? I love animals a lot too! Do you have a favorite animal?

   Lydia: Bats. Especially since I love old Vampire movies and not the newer ones, I mostly love them for their creepy appearance. But I also love how they socialize with each other, and the way they sleep.

   Stan: My favorite type of Bat might have to be the Little Red Flying-Fox. I just love their dog like face.

   Lydia: They are very cute looking Bats for sure. What about your favorite animal, Stan? 

   Stan: Dolphins and Whales for me. I find them to be some of the most fascinating creatures on the planet. I’ve seen some of them in the wild one time during my vacation on the east coast.

   Lydia: Nice! Sometime ago, I actually did a telethon on helping the whales where we raised about over $10,000.

   Stan: Awesome! I’ve donated some money to a whale charity myself, and even took a stand against the whaling industry.

   Lydia: Good for you. I just can’t imagine in living a world without them.

   Stan: I couldn’t agree with you more.

   After on having their lunch, it was now time for recess. Outside, Stan and Lydia head over to an empty picnic table to continue on with their conversation.

   Clyde: Yo, Stan, are you up for a good game of football?

   Stan: Not today, Clyde. I want to keep on having my conversation with Lydia here.

   Clyde: Are you sure? This is literally our very game in over a year.

   Stan: Maybe another time. 

   Clyde: Alright, but promise that you’ll play with us again sooner than later.

   Stan: Will do.

   As Clyde leaves, Stan and Lydia were once again alone together.

   Lydia: You play football?

   Stan: Yep. I’m actually one of the quarterbacks for this school’s football team. We’re the South Park Cows.

   Lydia: Huh? Why are you guys call the cows?

   Stan: This town has a huge history when it comes to the cow industry. We’ve produced the most cow beef in all of Colorado for over a hundred years now, and the founder of South Park was a butcher on cows.

   Lydia: Uhh…ok?

   Stan: Yeah, I know. Kinda fucked up on having a cow as a mascot that’s based on slaughtering them for a living, but our school and town still love our cows regardless. We even hold a special event every summer call Cow Days in their honor.

   Lydia: This town surely does have such a weird obsession with cows even more so than my Aunt May and Uncle Clyde ever could. Moving onto a different topic, what is like to live in South Park?

   Stan: Well, in some days, it’s really nice and quiet. But there’s also other days when this town can go batshit crazy. 

   Lydia: Really, how so?

   Stan: There was this one event that happened on Thanksgiving years ago when one of our local scientist tried to clone turkeys in order to give those in need that can’t afford on buying one, but the turkey got out of control that they were killing people. Our town had to fight them off, and we won.

   Lydia: Wow! And here I thought Thanksgiving 12: The Killer Turkey was already crazy enough.

   Stan: What’s that?

   Lydia: It’s a horror movie that I like to watch every Thanksgiving.

   Stan: Oh. Anyway, there’s also this one time where all our seniors citizens took over our town for a short period until we took it back by locking Country Kitchen Buffet from the inside as it was their main source of food.

   Lydia: Damn.

   Stan: And this town even got some visits from Aliens on several occasions.

   Lydia excited: Deadly Vu! Actual Aliens?! What were they like?

   Stan: Some look as genetic as you expect, and others are just very hard to describe that you have to see them for yourself to believe.

   Lydia: I hope to have an Alien encounter myself someday. 

   Stan: Just be careful when you come across them. Some may be friendly, but others can be very dangerous that you’ll have to run like hell to get away from them.

   Lydia: Thanks for the warning. *sighs* So, living in this town must be like going through a crazy adventure. Even the most craziest events from where I used to live at doesn’t compare to what you guys have been through. Living in this town must be very special for you.

   Stan: Actually, for the first ten years of my life, I used to live within South Park. I lived very close to where my friends still currently live at around the suburb area. But shortly after I became ten, my dad decided that he had enough of this town and we now live in a place call Tegridy Farms that’s about an hour drive from here.

   Lydia: Tegridy Farms? My parents said something about trying out some type of weed that South Park is well known for as we were on the road. Your family runs a weed business?

   Stan: Yes, but we were forced into it by my dad against our wills. He’s seriously passionate about it, but me and the rest of my family hate living there.

   Lydia: What’s it like?

   Stan: It’s like living through hell. It takes me much longer to get to school, I don’t often see my friends as much as I used too, and yet despite of me and my family feeling unhappy living there, my dad doesn’t care about our feelings at all. He really loves his weed products and all the money that he’s been making.

  Lydia: Has your mother tried to do something about?

   Stan: She can’t. And believe me, she tried as hard as she could to get us move back to South Park. My dad doesn’t want to move back to South Park no matter how hard she tried to plea him. Plus, my mom doesn’t have enough money on her own to either get us move back here or filing a divorce against my dad.

   Lydia: Such a terrible hardship. I’m very sorry for hearing the things that you and your family are going through. I only wish that you and your family can someday return here in anyway possible.

   Stan: About that, I don’t think that’s gonna be possible anymore.

   Lydia: Why not?

   Stan: Before I tell you why, promise me that you won’t get mad about it.

   Lydia: Go on and express your feelings for whatever it is. I’ll be as honest on what you have to say about it as I can.

   Stan *takes a huge breath* The house that I used to live at, is now yours.

   Lydia: You mean the house that I just recently moved into?

   Stan: Yes. Last Saturday while I was on my bike, I saw the moving truck parked right next to what used to be my front yard, and even saw your parents talking with each other outside. I’ve been dreaming for so long for that very day that I can finally return to my old house. I have so many wonderful memories there, and it was my most favorite place in the entire world. But now that can’t happen, and I’m honestly heartbroken because of it. But that doesn’t mean that I’m at all angry at you or your parents. I welcome you all with open arms to South Park. And even though we already just met, you’re such a wonderful person to be around with and I really would like to hang out with you a bit more. I only hope that you’ll make yourself incredible memories to your new home with it just as much as I did. *he begins to tear up a bit*

   Lydia begins to feel a lot of sympathy for Stan. Hearing on what he has been through and missing his old house with strong breaking heart makes her own heart feel very blue. But also at the same it, she has a lot of appreciation in how Stan expressed his feelings towards her. Aside from Beetlejuice, no one else has ever said such strong honesty words in front of her.

   Lydia: Stan, in all the years that I’ve known people personally, none of them had ever said such honestly words to me in the way that you just did. Not only do I love your honestly, but you’re also very sweet, nice, and so wonderful to talk with. For those reasons, I seriously would love to hang out with you more, and now see you as my new friend.

   Stan: Really?

   Lydia: Absolutely. And it also hurts me a lot to hear on how much suffering you’ve been through living in that farm and missing your old home. If you’re completely free this weekend, then I’ll be more than happy to invite you back to your old house for a sleepover. We can even make plans on what we can do around in this town.

   Stan smiling: I’ll be more than happy to do those things with you, Lydia. Also, thank you so much for inviting me to your home.

   Lydia smiling: And thank you in becoming a new friend for me. I didn’t have a lot of friends back from the school that I used to go too. It really means a lot to me.

   Stan smiling: I can’t wait to show you so much of this town during next weekend, new friend.

   Lydia smiling: Me too.

   The school bell rang as it was time to head back to class. As Stan and Lydia walked back into the building together, their special relationship had only just begun.

   In the next chapter, Stan shows off Lydia and her ghostly friend on what South Park has to offer.

[younganddumbandpretty]

As soon as I graduate, I am going to leave everyone behind completely. I’m going to move away to an address they don’t know and get a new number and new socials. I’m going to stay in my own home for Christmas, Easter. I’m going to make myself a Thanksgiving dinner for one and buy myself a birthday present and a cake. I’m going to spend summer all alone. I’ll hide in blanket forts and spend the day at the beach all by myself. I’ll take myself out to dinner and brunch and buy myself Christmas presents to put under the tree.

I’m going to forget every street, every building, every memory of this place and have my own place. Somewhere safe, tucked away from everyone I’ve ever known. I’ll have soft blankets on my bed and couch and I’ll sit where ever I want at the table and I’ll hang artwork on the walls that I like. I’ll buy soft towels and floral body wash and tons of bath bombs.

I’ll go to school and make new friends that I’ll have for life. We’ll have study groups before tests with coffee and pastries late at night in some warm little booth at Panera. We’ll get together every once in a while to hang out or do something fun, something special.

I’ll find a best friend, and we’ll hang out. And she can borrow my clothes and I’ll borrow her makeup and we’ll braid each other’s hair and mutually lift each other up. We’ll never put each other down or hurt each other, we’ll trust each other completely. She will be my whole family, and she’ll give me what I need.

I’ll go to work and I’ll watch all the faces that pass by me in a day and I’ll let myself forget them all when I get home. Maybe this will blog will take off and I’ll get rich. Probably not. I’ll make enough to mix what I need and want, I’ll never need, but I won’t have much more than I need. Everything I own will have a special place in my heart.

I’ll get a pet, maybe a dog, maybe a cat. I’ll adopt them. We’ll be best friends. They’ll sleep on my bed and be completely bonded to me, loyal to me only. We’ll cuddle on the couch and I’ll always feed them treats and we’ll play all the time. They’ll be my companion, always there.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll fall in love. I’ll stop catching feelings for every other person I see, but maybe I’ll bump into the one by chance. We’ll take things real slow. I’ll always get butterflies when I see him, and he’ll get the same way when he sees me. He’ll buy me flowers and I’ll keep them on my windowsill and maybe I won’t be alone forever in this world. Maybe I’ll have my own little girl and love her forever and ever. Or maybe I’ll just do a single parent adoption. We can vacation together. I’ll finally go to Disney. And Paris. I’ll see the world, get a career that I love,

Be the person I am, and never, ever think about these people or places again.