#maybe zach idk got therapy!

[bcofl0ve]

“off topic” but the way my mouth FLEW open at this 😭 it wasn’t exactly a secret zachary was kinda a dick to him during their relationship. to the extent that jonathan’s character on looking hbo had an entire cheating plot based off of his own life. lawd have mercy baby j WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! GET UP!!

[imagoddamnonionmason]

Howdy Goose! What do you think Steph’s family would think about Zach when they met for the first time? I imagine they wouldn’t think he’s ’masculine enough’, due to the fact he was in therapy, not understanding that bro literally has hallucinations cause of Afghanistan.

Zach would be respectful, get both his mother in law and Rachel flowers, but wouldn’t stand for any ‘jokes’ about Steph. He’d be subtle about it, but would stand up for her if they made any comments about her.

(Why do I imagine Rachel would try to flirt with him unless she’s married 🤢)

I think her Dad, Richard, would actually be very accepting; he's a man who's fought for his country, he takes care of his daughter and the two seem to be very in love. But this man is especially blind to the life the both he and Stephanie have lived, the experiences they have had and the trauma that they learned to live with. I think it comes down to not understanding, but made worse by his lack of not realising that there's issues there that need to be understood, so there would be quite the disconnect. It's not intentional disconnect, but I don't think that Richard and Zach's father-son relationship would ever go any deeper than a surface level. It'll never go beneath a surface Zach allows him to see because, quite frankly, who talks about their trauma gained from war and especially with a man who has the emotional capacity of a pre-fried chip. You know, that part of the process where the potato is just a soggy wet slice of blandness.

I think later on in life, Richard would regret not getting to know him better, regret not trying harder to understand him and would genuinely wish he could turn back time to thank him more for taking care of his daughter and giving her a family she loves so dearly. But, regrets hang heavy around the neck and his back hurts from the weight of them.

Regarding the wife and daughter?

Huh. Yeah, I feel like Agatha would be that type of Step Mom that would hide awful remarks behind non genuine concern. It would be comments towards Steph's hair, her body, her looks, the scars on her arm, sides and thighs. It's taken a while for Stephanie to become indifferent to the marks on her skin, having gone through a lot of shit trying to reconcile the connection of the scars to the shit that happened in Afghanistan. So then for Agatha to make comments like "oh, I know you struggle with how people see those scars, so I got you this to try and hide them! We don't want to be scaring kids with ugly things like that! We don't want you getting upset!" Like, fuck off, right? I love the idea that Zach would straight up just be thinking "why don't you mind your fucking mouth, Aggie, before someone minds it for you." But really he's so calculated about how he claps back.

Agatha or Rachael make a comment on her, maybe her hair, like "oh, did you style your hair like that today? What a... choice! It could only suit you." "I was thinking the same about yours, Rachael, no one else could pull off something like that."

ON THE TOPIC OF RACHAEL THOUGH

She would flirt with him. Imagine it's like... idk a family get-together and there's a lot of extended family present. Stephanie didn't really want to go, but she does because it's good for Zach Jr to see family and while Stephanie is sorting out Zach Jr, Zach Sr is just chilling in the kitchen waiting with his Wife's drink.

Rachael saunters in, maybe a few too many drinks in than she should be, and comes to stand in front of Zach. She watching him with a furtively coy stare with the slightest attempt of a flirtatious upturn of her lips and sucks on the straw of her drink. Zach isn't even looking at her. He's just doing his job of keeping his eye on his wife's drink and speaking with those who deserve his time.

She tries flirting a little more overtly, and it would be this that catches his attention because like??? This bitch? really being so forward?

I don't think she'd take lightly being shut down, probably still got that stereotypically snotty popular girl attitude of 'every man thinks I'm god's gift' and she thinks 'he wants me, not my step-sister'. Being told no would probably lead to her having a petulant reaction.

I also don't think even marriage would stop Rachael from flirting with him - I imagine her bagging such a lovely guy but she treats him like shit. She's that kind of person. Probably ends up divorced and the ex-husband finds someone better and lives happily. Good for him, Steph and Zach would think, and he dodged a bullet.

Let me know if there's anything else you'd add!! This was fun to think about 😎

[gothiccwhore]

13 reasons why season 4 review

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS!! if you haven’t finished the season yet i suggest you skip this!! :)

also this will be super long because i tend to ramble and i’ll give reviews for each character/most of the storylines! ((half way through reading this i read @jessica-acholas and @analuciacortez reviews and i agreed with a lot of it so you guys should all read their reviews as well!!))

over all ranking:

as a whole, i would give this season a 7/10. i originally was gonna give it a 6 but they get an extra point for all the zalex scenes we got, and i also was thinking of the mess that was s3 so i had to give them that extra point too

storylines/the season as a whole:

my biggest concern/annoyance with this season was how rushed or repetitive it was

every storyline this season was either super rushed or super dragged out- no in between. the fact that we only had 10 episodes as opposed to the normal 13 probably had a part in this, which idk why they cut the episodes short. let’s start off with the dragged out storylines, one of them being clay’s nightmare sequences. i honestly did like his therapy scenes because it was good to see him get help and he was a much better narrator than ani, but his nightmare scenes were so long i literally had to skip all of them i got so bored. another dragged out storyline was jesstin, which i probably will get complains about. i think they have their cute scenes and i do love both characters, especially jess being tied with alex for #1 and justin being in my top 5. but my god their storyline/relationship is beyond repetitive, its been the exact same thing for 4 whole seasons. they break up, have a long speech about how they’re not right for each other, spend the whole season pining after each other, make up in the end and then have another speech about how in love they are. like writers please make up your mind- do you want them together or not?? we also had another repetitive love triangle this season just like every other with justin jess and diego as opposed to the justin jess and alex one for like 2 seasons.

now for the rushed storylines, one of them being alex’s relationship with charlie. i love charlie ever since we saw him in s3, he’s so pure and a lovable guy and i love how he loves alex. however they happened like out of nowhere?? alex went from being in love with jess for 3 seasons to being in love with 2 people in 4 episodes. if you blinked you would’ve missed the “build up” to their relationship, and honestly it felt like they just randomly threw in some relationship for alex because they didn’t wanna have zalex happen. i’m not saying this to be bitter (maybe i am lol) but zalex had 3 seasons worth of build up and could’ve been an amazing slow burn relationship for the whole season, instead they rushed another relationship. zach is also another character who had a rushed storyline with his drinking problem, which literally happened out of nowhere too?? he just showed up this season drunk in the first scene and drunk in literally every single scene we saw him in. this storyline also never got resolved, it just stuck there like the writers didn’t even care to end or resolve it. just like how zalex could’ve worked better for alex, it could’ve worked better for zach too since his drinking problem could’ve been helped by alex. i swear the writers just hate us at this point

characters review:

clay: one of my favorites honestly, he’s in my top 5. sure clay has had his moments where he’s been annoying and extra but so has literally every single character in this show- besides tony lol. like i stated above my main concern was how dragged out his sequences were this season, like i couldn’t watch all of them. also another huge problem i had with him this season was how big of a jerk he was to justin??? for like half of the season he was rude to him and would give snarky remarks/hints like when he was surprised colleges would even want justin, which i don’t blame justin for thinking that clay expected him to just relapse again and throw his life away. the same can be said for when clay said all those awful things to him at the party- his parents not being his and not trusting him like wtf? i felt SO BAD for justin there i was expecting clay to apologize to him. on the topic of the party episode, he literally crashed zach’s car and sent them flying 30 ft in the air just to leave zach all alone to literally die?? then there’s also the part where he and ani outed alex before he was ready to fully come out which sucks, that’s something you should never do but i know he was just worried about alex and didn’t want him to get heartbroken over winston - but why didn’t you tell him sooner??

ani: like i said with clay, i hated how she outed alex before he was ready to come out. i don’t understand how her and clay both didn’t think to tell everyone - especially ALEX who literally killed bryce and would’ve gotten hurt the most about winston?? they both knew that winston and alex both knew each other and met at the hillcrest party, so why not tell him winston is gonna be looking for information to clear monty’s name?? alex is literally the only person you guys SHOULDVE told first?? however i did enjoy her this season as opposed to s3, she had a great redemption and i liked that she finally apologized to jess for sleeping with bryce. she also wasn’t up everyone’s business this season and i loved all her scenes with jess, especially the prom ones

alex: HAAAAAA BI KING WHO GOT HIS HAPPY ENDING AND DIDNT GO TO JAIL FOR FLOORING THAT RAPIST!!! HOW DO YOU BRYCE AND MONTY STANS FEEL THAT BOTH OF THEM ARE 6FT UNDER WHILE ALEX IS FREE 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳 i’m so happy he got his happy ending and became secure in his sexuality, that’s all i ever wanted for him since s1. i’m not saying this because i’m biased and he’s my favorite character, but he truly was one of the only characters who didn’t annoy me this season. he had a great arc even if it was super rushed, we finally got a zalex mutual love confession (i’m still bitter that we didn’t get our endgame but in my head we did), and i love how even if he and justin had their differences in the past seasons he was there for him in the end. i don’t really have any complaints about him besides the whole charlie thing being super rushed and so random?? why did the show put 2 bottoms together like we wouldn’t notice 🤨🤨

jessica: jess is my favorite character tied with alex, both of them have been since s1. i loved how she continued to be her badass self this season but a lot of the things she did/said kinda rubbed me the wrong way?? like i applauded her for calling out ani for judging who she was sleeping with after ani slept with bryce, but when you think about it diego literally is a rape apologist too?? jess tyler is literally your friend why would you date the guy who’s defending his rapist?? also don’t get me started how diego treated clay horribly this season, he was suffering with his mental illness and he played pranks on him and called him a psycho??? clay has always been there for you jess and he’s also one of your friends why would you still hang out with diego?? also in the first episode where justin breaks up with her and she got mad at him i got upset with her, justin made valid points he’s a recovering drug addict who needs to focus on himself not a relationship. i don’t understand why she got so mad at that, it was lowkey ooc for her? overall i still loved her i just hate how the writers reduce her to only a guy each season, but she still was amazing over all and looked beautiful!! her scenes with ani were great and i cried so much at her scenes with justin at the end.

zach: another one of my favorite characters who the writers did so dirty this season. i’ve loved zach since s1 as well, he’s in my top 5 and i’ve always loved how even if he was a jock he was still good hearted and there for everyone. i hated how in this season the writers forgot all of his traits and basically wrote him as a new person?? his drinking storyline was beyond random and had no build up/not even a resolution in the end. where even was his mother or sister this entire season. the show always paid him dirt and never focused on his home life when it was clear he didn’t have the best relationship with his mom. i’m so annoyed at how they wrote him as a “drunk” all season and didn’t even acknowledge his struggles. his scenes with alex were great, and i loved every single one of them. i’m still dying on the zalex hill and saying that they missed the perfect opportunity to make them a couple, it would’ve helped his storyline just like alex’s.

justin: oh my god, when i say my heart broke in the last episode it really did. i remember hating justin in s1, and then loving him in s2 with him being in my top 5 favorite characters. he had the best redemption arc, and i loved his portrayal of a recovering drug addict. i’m thinking now and he also didn’t annoy me this season just like alex, he was great and i’m so sad how they basically stomped all over his arc by killing him. it’s clear the show only killed him off because clay started the show by losing someone he loved, and ended it the same way. him dying by aids was so random and made 0 sense, i honestly thought he was gonna die from an overdose when discussing theories because i had a feeling it was either him or alex who were gonna die. they didn’t have a buildup for his hiv/aids- only added scars/bruises throughout the season which no one noticed if they weren’t closely examining him. i’m so saddened by his death and i will be planning a funeral for him along with zalex’s 💔.

tony: honestly a great character throughout the whole show, never was annoying and always was there for literally everyone. tony has always been a fighter and has been through so much without showing it, and i’m glad he got to go to college at the end and see his sister. i’m also so happy we got more scenes between tony and caleb this season because they are one of my favorite couples and are so underrated in the show and with fans ❤️ i was upset when he didn’t believe tyler, but i understood where he was coming from because he just wanted to be safe.

tyler: he’s so pure and i also loved his arc throughout the show, i’m so happy he has friends who love him and him and estela were so cute! i wish they explored more about him and the sheriffs working together because i honestly was confused about that before rewatching scenes. i also hate how they made him feel bad about monty dying when it literally was not his fault a rapist got killed in prison- monty’s rotting 6 ft under hello let’s celebrate to that!! i also loved how he was so supportive when he found out about winston and alex on the camping trip, he seemed worried about alex when winston said they broke up. i also love how alex was the only one who truly believed in him the entire show.

bryce: good riddance!! when i say i yelled when jess saw him when she was burning the tape why did he smile like pennywise?2@/@20so glad we saw no flashbacks of him this season and that he was just an annoying ghost, but even that annoyed me

monty: just like bryce good riddance!!! thank god we didn’t get that much of a redemption arc because i would’ve lost it- even though i literally rolled my eyes every time his ghost tried to say something that was supposed to make us feel bad for him. he’s rotting with bryce 🧚🏻‍♀️🤩

charlie: i loved him, he was so nice to everyone and so pure. i just wish they let him and alex be just friends because that came out of nowhere. i hope he’s baking more cookies and being happy

caleb: such a supportive bf i love him and tony, wish we saw more of him but i hope he’s living his best life <3

winston: he gave me joe from you vibes the entire season why was he creepy lowkey s:@:&;&!392&-03@3&4 nobody @ me but for a second i thought him and alex were cute during the bowling scene then i remembered who he was. he was a rape apologist which i hated, like dude he’s dead get over it i promise that dick probably wasn’t that good that you have to do a whole fbi investigation for him. the fact that he fell in love with monty and alex after like a week is sending me oddjdkckdkdj but i too am in love with alex standall so i see where he’s coming from, he gets points for not turning alex in at the end but i expected him to be a bigger villain this season but thank god he wasn’t because i would’ve floored him

chloe: my best girl who i wish we saw more of we only saw her for like 3 scenes?? the show did her dirty even in s3 she should’ve had more scenes her storyline was amazing :/ i did enjoy her and zach’s friendship it was so refreshing to see a m/f friendship and i’m glad they didn’t make them romantic. i didn’t expect her and scott to date but go girl!!

diego: literally came out of nowhere where were you for the other 3 seasons? i literally laughed every time he would talk about missing monty like who cares if he got you into football he was a rapist no one cares. i hated how he made clay go literally insane by pulling those pranks on him and calling him psycho?? “why’d you bring a knife” MF YOU GAVE IT TO HIM???? he was nice at the end so i guess i’ll give him some points and he also wasn’t a HUGE jerk i liked how him and justin helped each other when the cop was being racist/a dick and that he seemed upset at justin’s funeral

estela: her and tyler were super cute together and i loved how she acknowledged what monty did and didn’t try to make excuses to defend him. also loved how she wanted to join HO and was completely different from monty

so overall that was my review of the season, i will miss the characters so much and zalex will continue to haunt me every night i cannot escape 💔 jess and alex are my emotional support characters who would’ve thought. selena gomez and the 13rw writers you will pay for your crimes this season!

[anonil88]

“This isn't prison break.”parts 1 & 2

Rue runs away for a night from rehab with a bunch of people she doesn't know. They go to a club, do some stupid stuff and adopt a cat.

wrote this and put it on AO3- lnk here- but also updating on here:

PART 1

Rue laughs absently at the other group of "degenerates" as Ali would call them. They are walking along the side of the road towards wherever a kid named Malcolm was leading them. She technically was supposed to be in her small dorm bed asleep and awaiting 4 am check in. But instead here she was being a fellow degenerate who had technically escaped the rehab facility. They all intended on going back to the treatment facility eventually. She hopes Sol would even though it meant they probably would be separated. They all just needed a night of more because everyone was on edge and needed a break. Everyone was aware that the consequences would be getting kicked out or all restrictions taken away. But, fuck it.

Her group of acquaintances, because they were not her friends, was made up of a random assortment of folks. One of which was some guy named Graham who was apparently the older "brother" of Angel. Angel was the only one out of the group besides her roommate who actually knew more than whatever she half assed in group therapy. Which was very little but it was enough to keep them.... interested. Rue shoves her hands in the pockets of a pair of baggy shorts that Angel threw at her in a parking lot after everyone met back up. Their escape plan was a plan but they all booked it through a hole in the fence and through a patch of woods at first. Some person named Bones, who had to at least be a sophomore in college, picked them all up in a hatchback and the Graham who opened a backpack filled with vices.

Rue steered clear of the opiates and went straight for the bottle of Coconut Rum. Even though she could practically hear the pills singing her fucking name. Most of them actually opted to be clean of whatever landed them in rehab but not sober. Not everyone though because Angel was definitely rolling a tiny bit and so were two other people out of the 5 fence jumpers. Including her roommate Sol. Rue just figured the slap on the wrist once they got back would be less harsh without a positive test. The rum was more than enough to stay kind of alert amongst everyone here. All these faces that might leave her dying face down in a ditch if she OD’ed....again.

She wasn't even in here because of an overdose. Just a basic relapse that made her mom's mind up for her and now she was forced into a stupid facility with strangers. They forced her to talk, made sure she ate, but she honestly felt worse being inside than out. It was probably working the 12 steps and quiet therapy sessions but in places she didn't see yet. This right here though the warmth of the air touching her skin as the packed car they'd all tumbled into hurtled through empty streets. Leaning her head back she mumbles along the lyrics while Sol pulls at the worn shirt collar. 

 "Beep beep go swerving in my, Beep been you want me riding in your...."

Rue sighs feeling sticky lips press against her clavicle and up her neck.

 "Beep beep ghost busting in my,

 Beep beep you want me riding in your....driving super fast."

Sol was cool people but Rue knew it couldn't be anything more than fooling around. Kissing when no one was watching or either of them came back from a therapy session sobbing.  Sometimes Sol sneaking into her bed at night so they could have quickie sex sessions. This wasn't how Rue expected to explore her sexuality that was pretty dormant but it was what she had. It also wasn't with who she had in mind either. Lingering feelings aside the two of them were stuck in a juvenile inpatient program. With the same beds as the ones in college pamphlets, a no shoelace rule, and  fuzzy socks ( that Rue secretly loves). This girl was like 3 inches shorter than Rue, dark skinned, neck tattoos and a short cut. Sol had been through so much more shit than Rue and it made her feel ungrateful. Ungrateful because at least she had a hard working mom who still loved her and hadn't abandoned all hope. Other people in the program who took it seriously though told her not to because her life sucked too.

Feeling Sol's lips on hers she kissed her back. She didn't feel anything but it must have felt amazing to Sol who deepened the kiss. The car swerved past what in Rue's mind had to be a pothole. Sol falls away further into her body clutching the fabric of her shirt and accidentally her chest. Rue hears Sol sigh and snaps her eyes open while Sol still kisses her. Rue grabs hold of the handle above the door and sits back up mumbling, what was that. She watches Sol roll her eyes and sit back into the tan seats.

"Oh FUCK," Bones yelled slowing the car down and pulling over. Bones had their black hair slicked all the way back and a cigarette falling out of their mouth. They were odd enough sober and everyone's dd, just a ball of chaotic a.d.d they'd laughed at her earlier as they walked her from the gas station bathroom back to the car. It was a nice gesture because apparently she seemed "kind of uncomfortable," which was true. The urge to escape herself dulled the fear of her mother's true unbridled anger. Or Fez's.

He was really upset when he found out she got a new plug after actually being clean for so long. She turns to look out the back window and sees two green eyes attached to a small grey mound in the road. 

"What the....omg a cat omg," Angel is practically bouncing out of the car after pulling out a half eaten filet o fish. Rue watches him in an outfit she felt fit him so much more than the basic t-shirt and sweatpants he wore everyday. His platform sneakers lit up across the black asphalt as he inches  closer to the obviously terrified animal. A glitter covered arm wove in front of him with food and Rue leans into the window in anticipation. The only thing that could make Angel seem even more angelic was wings or a halo above his half platinum half silver hair. He honestly seemed like the type to fit right into Jules's friend group. But instead he was the kind creative rave kid who drew her pictures of kandy he'd give her one day. 

"Hey um...you ," she feels her shoulder being tapped. "Put this in your lap."

PART 2

"Yes! I love this song," Bones yells back rolling down the windows. The cool autumn air filling the car and the smell of weed being blown out the window. 

Her heel is bouncing with a mix of anxiety and anticipation. With one more she could become triple A instead of alcoholics anonymous. She can feel a comfortable softness against her sole. It's from a piece of fabric she keeps stuffed in her sock. Her knee keeps bouncing in place with the sleeping kitten being stroked by Sol in her lap. Her current reality is so much more serene than the one she relives in her head.

Arrival nurses took her hoodie at this new place only letting it stay with her the first night. She was so fucking high on check in that she screamed please don't take my dad please as they explained it to her mom. Her mom who she clung to like they were about to skin her alive. Chest rising and falling quick enough someone said something about a shot. Too high to be cold and distant but not enough for her heart to stop. Just enough to be a paranoid fuck up. Leslie tried to calm her down but it only worked after her mom bargained with them, one night.

One night and then her mom visited the next day to say goodbye. Slipping a gray square in her pocket. It was worn in from a t-shirt that her dad wore in her baby pictures. Leslie hugged her so tight before leaving whispering we love you so much. That was the last time she'd seen her mom and every time she called Leslie said oh rue like her heart was breaking again. So those phone calls were short because her mom crying always fucks her up mentally for a few days. The silent pauses remind her of the little sister who always has faith in her but is turning into someone who doesn't even look at her. 

"You okay," Sol whispers and rue nods because when was she ever. Her arm that sol is resting on is cramping but she lets it, not much arm space in this back row anyway. She should have just chosen the trunk with some 16 year old named Zach. 

"On the left yesss we made it and on time too," Graham jeers next to Sol.

 Rue looks at the dash clock crinoline her brow. "How is almost 1 am on time," she whispers. 

Sol chuckles, "It is a club not a house party you knew that right ?" Rue bites the inside of her lip and shakes her head no. Sol puckers a bottom lip and kisses her cheek. Great pity Rue thinks. Sol leans in to whisper to Rue, "Don't worry Graham knows the bouncer. No fakes required."

Rue opens back up the glass bottle in the seat net and lets the clear liquid burn her throat a bit. Out of her realm was an understatement, house parties were something she was used to but never clubs. She didn't even know what kind of club this was but judging from the giant rainbow flag out front, angry repressed frat bros wouldn't be an issue. Which helped the nerves in her stomach unwind. The fur ball on her lap made a noise and she rubbed it through the sweater it's been laid on. Sol said the kitten was probably dumped because there was a tag scar and the kitten was super clean. But was she risking it....no.

Sol takes the bottle from her hand and screws the cap back on. "You gonna dance with me tonight Benny." Sol says as she nudges her shoulder.

"Maybe," Rue shrugs.

" Okay well how about anyone else," Sol grins coyly.

Rue looks away from her and out the window. She's more interested in the brick building as they get closer than someone's hot sweaty body. There's a line to the door with several guards standing with gloved hands and flashlights. " Idk maybe," Rue looks back at Sol who is rolling her eyes. 

" Yes she is," Angel yells from the passenger seat. He's checking his makeup in the mirror and winks at rue. Which makes her tuck her hair behind her ear and cough to cover the blush. Angel turns around happily and says, "meee.'

Leaning forward Sol pecks Angel and says, " Bennett your goal tonight is to have fun, dance with someone. He, she, they, who cares, maybe you'll get a lil prison pen pal."

Rue rolls her eyes, that probably wasn't happening but it was about trying new experiences. Treatment was also not prison; it just was not freedom either. Bones pulls past the entrance and swings into the parking lot. Graham is behind them pointing as they follow directions. He's even saying fun facts like this is Knott's which Angel keeps mimicking. Bones slowly moves the car  until  one guard leans his hand in the window. The guard daps Graham up and they laugh for a second. His name is apparently DJ and he's their in. The only rules are no weapons. 

In the parking lot they all get put and Rue notices other cars with clusters of people around them. She shakes her lap free of cigarette ash and cat hair. The cat now named sparkle is being in the trunk with a makeshift bed, a small can of tuna Bones just had and an old bottle lid filled with water. Rue leans down and ties the mismatched dollar store laces on her chucks. They had hot dogs on them which was kind of cute. A tire squeals close by of a car obviously moving way too fast and drunk singing out a window speeds past them. Idiots. Everyone else was finishing a shared bottle or blunt. Leaning against the side of the trunk she feels Sol rest against her arm warming it up.

Rue can hear a steady thump and beat coming from the brick building. It makes her head move which means the music might not be her thing but it'll be tolerable. Graham even said there's another section with actual seats that has a more contained dance floor with pop and hip-hop. Just in case she got overwhelmed by the rave scene and the lights. She doubles over as she laughs at Angel's jokes. 

Kid was fucking hilarious, she stands up wiping her eyes and freezes looking in front of her.

[sitinthelight]

I’m in a weird mood where I want to talk a lot, but to the right person. 

I was having a pretty fabulous day at work, even though the events weren’t great or exciting, I was just feeling good today. Until I clocked out and waited for Zach to pick me up. My mood just dropped on the phone with him and he didn’t really notice, which is fine. 

I’m not in a bad mood. I’m not sad or necessarily apathetic. I’m not sure what I’m feeling now but I have the apartment to myself and the day off tomorrow so I’ve got time to cheer myself back up. 

At work, I was given an annual review for the first time. It wasn’t great, not going to lie. Mostly because I don’t like asking people for credit cards and I hate using our client system because I truly don’t understand the point of it in 2019. But hey, that’s just my opinion, apparently the company will keep pushing it till who knows when. I still got a raise which is cool but it was weird being reviewed by a manager who isn’t a part of my department. Whatever though. This isn’t my planned career and I don’t feel bad for having a low score because I don’t have the motivation to drive credit cards or upsell.

I love that it’s warmer though. I love it. I fucking thrive in this weather. My wardrobe improves in the summer and my coworkers have been surprised by my sudden “transformation.” In the winter, I dress to stay warm. There is no heat in the stock room and my department is by the door. I stick to cozy over-sized sweaters and dress pants and that’s literally what I wear in the winter for work. I don’t give a shit about style when I’m cold and depressed. But it’s warm again and I feel more like myself. Granted,still depressed but I actually feel like a person. I’ve missed my skirts and dresses. I’ve missed wearing floral. I’ve missed lace and frills. I love wearing things that are flowy and feminine and life is nice and more pleasant again.

I want to grow as a person. Learn how to be a more cheerful and happy person externally and internally. Honestly, I was going to start going to therapy but after reevaluating the position I’m currently am, I’m not sure. I don’t know what’s happening right now. I don’t know if I’ll be in the same city a few months from now or what. I’m clueless and not quite sure what to do and a therapist can help me only but so much in a few short months before I’d have to go through the process of finding a new one again.

Last year, the doctor I was seeing suggested anti-depressants to me. I refused at the time because, well idk. I’ve always had this mindset that I could manage life without them, that therapy is what I really needed. I’ve always recognized how medication is super important for so many people but I didn’t see taking medication as a part of my life.

I also am paranoid of possible side effects. I’m not suicidal. I haven’t been for years. I’m just terrified of having those thoughts again. 

But I’m reconsidering it now. I’m in a better place now than I was from last year. I just want to be motivated. I want to be ambitious again and get my life in the direction I want it to be in. I’ve always been a go with the flow type of person and it’s been fine up until now. But I’m tired of going with the flow. Sometimes the flow doesn’t move and when there are so many things I want to do, it doesn’t work. 

I’m accepting the fact that I do need help. That I can’t solve every issue by myself, even if I’m the only one really affected. My brain lacks what it needs to be a “normal” person and that’s okay because science has come a long way to invent something to help. And who am I to deny science? To deny something that could really benefit me and my quality of life? And maybe one day I can wake up and get up without a second thought.

[inspirationallyinsane]

June 25 2017

Hi Tumblr. It is officially summer now. It has been for a few weeks I guess but it has just started to feel like it for me. I tend to begin hating summer after the second week. I get so bored and lonely. I complain about school a lot but it gives me something to do and an opportunity to be around people. I have been around my family quite a bit though since summer has started, which has been nice. I went up to see my mom and my brother and now I am staying with my dad. It is strange to have three places I could call home and not have any of them really feel like home. My mom's house feels most like home but then I remember that it can't be and I get sad. My place feels least like home, which is shitty, since I live there most of the time. Sometimes my place feels like a hotel. I keep expecting to leave and then I never do. I've been looking for a new apartment. Mine doesn't have AC. It also doesn't have windows. I have to leave one of my doors open at night so that I don't literally die of heat stroke. I have been having a lot of nightmares about large men coming into my apartment and just standing there, watching me. They never attack me but there is just something so weird about knowing that someone could come into your house and watch you and you possibly wouldn't even know. Idk. I like my space, I don't like people in my space. It freaks me out. I've been having a lot of nightmares in general for about three or four weeks now. I'm not sleeping much anymore. I thought they would go away after finals week was over, and then I thought they would go away after I got my grades back (I passed all my classes and raised my gpa!!!!!). But I keep waking up screaming or crying. Maybe it's the heat. Or maybe there is something going on that is stressing me out and I'm not even aware of it. I have also been trying to get a job. It is hard to get a job as a teenager who has never been employed and has no connections whatsoever. The minute market across the street from my apartment was recently hiring. I really wanted that job. I even went in four times to check in with the person who is in charge of hiring. They ended up giving the job to a 40 year old man with plenty of job experience. Obviously if I were hiring I'd probably do the same thing. But it still sucks. It feels strange to be competing against adults who have been working their entire lives for the same entry level jobs. They are called entry level jobs. Meant for people who are just entering the job market. Like wtf. I am going to visit my mom and brother again next weekend. For the fourth of July. It is nice to go stay with my mommo. She can be a lot sometimes but she also brings me breakfast in bed and buys me clothes so... it's worth it :) haha no but it really is nice just to be around people. Living alone gets very lonely. It's nice to wake up and have someone there to talk to, eat breakfast with, or whatever. AG and I have been talking about moving in together. As much as I love not being alone all the time, I don't know if I'm ready to move in with my boyfriend. I know it's the thing people do in long term relationships, which ours very much is, but I'm only 18. I feel like there are still things about myself that I need to figure out before having to be responsible in a partnership. You know? Does that make sense? It's like, as much as I hate doing the dishes, I should probably learn that I need to do them myself before just letting someone else do them for me. Seeing my brother last weekend reminded me how much college changes people. How much college has changed me. High school kids are annoying af (Not my brother specifically, he’s fine most of the time, I just mean in general). They have no idea how hard things get. And it's so wonderful to hear my brother talk about his big plans and his life goals because college really fucks all that shit up. At least for me. I used to think everything would be so much easier than it really is. And I'm just out of my first year. I imagine that in four years or six years I'll look back at present me and think the same things I am thinking about past me. But at the same time, being relatively on my own and learning about how hard things are has been wonderful. I don't feel like I need money or people to be happy anymore. Those things may make me feel happier for a while, but I know that I can live in a shithole with no AC and not see anyone for like a week and still feel the exact same way at the end of the day. I feel better now than I did in high school. So that's good. Life is less stressful when you don't have any dreams left :) Staying with my dad is really great too. I miss talking to my dad. We used to talk a lot more and have amazing conversations. Sometimes I feel like my dad is one of maybe two people I have ever met that I can have super enthralling conversations with. I wonder if I am that kind of conversationalist. I'd like to think I am, but then again, both of the people that I felt I had good conversations with don't speak to me anymore, or rarely ever speak to me anymore. Nonetheless, I would be happy if things got better with my dad. Maybe I only feel that way right now because I am around him and I always feel like he isn't such a terrible guy when I am around him but still. As bad as I make him sound in those short stories I have written, and will continue to write, he isn't that way most of the time. I don't write about the good times because good times are boring and honestly who cares. I also don't need to write about the good times. No one goes to therapy or writes books as therapy about the good times. I used to write about good times. I like to read my childhood journals from when I was a child. I kept journals sporadically from the time I was in second grade. Every single one of them is filled with basically lists of things I love or cool things that happened to me. I used to be really hopeful about people beginning to like me, or good things continuing to happen. I have memories of the bad things that happened but I only ever wrote about things I loved. I had lots of things I loved. I still do, I just don't focus on them anymore. Ultimately though I have always been the same self involved self important shitty person I am now. I have read those journals probably twenty times over and this is the first time I realized that I haven't changed at all. I may be a bit more sad now, but I think that's just what life does to people. I was such a bitch!!! I wrote about being smarter than everyone in my class and I drew self portraits labeling how perfect all my features were. What kind of fourth grader does that? And then I proceeded to draw pictures of my classmates and label all of their shitty features. I look back at my posts on this blog from high school and think about what I wrote about my classmates and realize I had not changed at all since elementary school. Maybe that is how people are. They don't change. And maybe that is how I know I don't have a personality disorder, I just have a shitty personality. Or maybe I have changed now, and that is why I can finally see that I hadn't changed for 18 years. Maybe now that I am becoming my own person and I'm not dealing with my parents’ bullshit and their expectations (not blaming or victimizing, mom ;) ) and I have finally stopped idolizing them, maybe now I can be a better person. I really do want to try. I've been saying that for a while. Maybe that's just something everyone says as they continue with their same shitty behaviors. Most of my time recently has been spent playing League of Legends. I love that game a lot. I think I am getting better at it. My new fav champ is Rakan. Bird man. Bird boy. The cutestTM. Most people who play him are assholes. Most people who play League are assholes though I guess. I like to be the anomaly. Although sometimes it is fun to beat someone really hard and be a bit of an asshole about it :P I wish I were out at parties, or kickbacks or whatever, with people who I thought were my friends. It's like, if I spend an hour on the phone with you, listening to your problems and being there to support you about things you feel like you can't tell anyone else, you could at least invite me to hang out. And it's not like I'm a total freak of the week anymore either. I chilled the fuck out. I think. So at this point, I really have to question what is wrong with me. Why am I always forgotten? Oh but! Right before summer I had a great week hanging out with Zach and pals. Zach is such a cool guy. He does some crazy shit but he's a great friend and I always get to go on some sort of adventure when he is around. And Zach never forgets about me. Which means more to me than anything. He recently went back to LA. I hope he is doing well there. I am sure he is doing well there. Anyway. I guess that is all for now. My life is pretty boring. I do my best to try and make myself sound interesting or thoughtful in my writing but honestly I haven't had too much to think about recently. Which is kind of nice. I think that might mean things are finally starting to go well for me. I typically only contemplate about problems, or about whether or not I should kill myself. So. Good thing that's not happening anymore. I hope all my followers/readers are doing well. I genuinely can't believe people still go on my blog. I so rarely post anymore. I'll try to fix that. No promises though. I love you all :)

[celestialallstars]

Episode #3: "Make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent" - Mo

So first off WOOOOO! The vote happened exactly as it was supposed to. I'm hoping that means I'm actually on the pulse of this tribe. I've gradually been getting closer to Jared, and I think he trusts me probably more than I trust him.

Second off, this challenge my god. I hate it, like it's a good challenge but for me... oof. Doing this, it's like I have facial dyslexia or something. Like all of the mouths and eyes start blending together and it just starts to look nuts.

I'm hoping to keep trudging forward, if we somehow pull a win out of this, even better if Cyrena goes to tribal again given it was basically unanimous. Alternatively Orfeo to balance things out. I'm tired though and it's been a long day, so it is now time to sleep.

I’m conflicted because I so badly want to be a bad bitch and create an over the top plan but there’s such a high chance that it will flop and make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent. So I’m going to try to create my own kinda of genius that only applies to me. It sounds stupid but it’ll work. I’m being bold by saying it’ll work cus if I get eliminated I’ll look like a Doofenshmirtz. We’ll see. I’m already making charts to help me see who’s good and who’s not so good at comps. Comparing teammates to eachother and comparing the entire cast to eachother. Wish me luck. (Also I love everyone in this cast.)

So like I have so many mixed feelings about this cast. In terms of talking a lot of them are BORING or LEAVE ME ON READ, and like maybe for some it’s cause I’m not in their tribe but like, some people on my tribe still make me want to hit my head against a rock. So like that’s what I’m feeling.

Also think we’re gonna loose this immunity which I’ve hardly done anything for. So go me.

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Just a small update Mitch and I are chatting so that answers that question

"What's going on?" Well I shall tell you Anna Jane exactly what is going on. I need to get back into therapy that's what.

Apparently everyone is stressed about results and then there is me who does not care cause I want bodhi gone cause he legit doesn't talk to me so meh.

ALSO ALISSA FOUND AN IDOL QUEEEN. so we now have an idol between the 3 of us which could come in handy very much later down the road which we love! I have 100% trust in jack and alyssa now, with mo as my number 3 on this tribe. As much as i love tobi personally (hi tobi reading this post season) but like idk something is still off. he hasn't spoken much game to me at the moment so idk where his head is really at..

god help us its results this challenge was hard woo go cyrena!

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we lost by 1 point. oh my god. 1 point. that makes me wanna cry. dear god let this be a simple vote or i will actually start crying

WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE ON THE SHITTY TRIBE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THERE SOME SICK SATISFACTION OF ME ALWAYS GOING TO TRIBAL????? FUCK

I am SO pumped! I do feel bad for the people on Cyrena, but where it stands now, them going to tribal I feel is best for my game just relationship-wise for me. Still, I can only hope I am making few bonds over on their end while maintaining the ones I have on my tribe and Tuatha as well. I do really hope Mo at least makes it because he helped me this morning when I was getting bummed about all the winner talk. I'm quite optimistic for right now!

I Wrote Alexis Maxwell But I Erased It

Well we won the challenge (BARELY), a bit annoyed that we submitted before I got another chance to take a crack at the photos. I feel like I could've maybe found 1 or 2 more before we submitted. Granted we'd need to have found either 3 more or beaten Orfeo to the punch if we had wanted the reward.

I think so long as Bodhi doesn't go on Cyrena I'm pretty indifferent about them losing. They're the people I talk to the least relatively. Ideally I'd probably want an Alyssa, or Matt boot, but I have no influence so we'll see what happens.

I'm just trying to be social and relatively unimposing right now. It's Day 8, now's not the time to be doing glaringly bold things.

um so we won wooh but still no 2nd idol im sad i want one. um wanted green tribe to go tribal but blue going again i hope bodhi/jack/alyssa leave cuz they dont talk to me ever um ya thatd be cute or maybe tobi cuz hes a snake but maybe he not a snake this time? my stan list atm is jared > zach = rhys > loris = chloe > everyone else. my unstan list is: sharky jack alyssa mitch <3 um yaa hope i can do sth. chris so good gotta always watch out for him jared asked who i wanted to go to f3 with and i said def not chris and he was like oh i wanted chris in end so like hes def a threat also he likes zach so um that needs to stop real quick.

I think it should be Bodhi or Tobi to go. Am I gonna say anything? Not right now, no. Will I say something later? No clue it depends. But Bodhi isn’t as active as the others and doesn’t participate all that much. Tobi is semi-active but isn’t great at challenges. I remember him being good at challenges so idk if he’s just distracted or not putting that much energy into this. I think a swap is happening after this potentially but if it ain’t it’s still best to vote out the weakest link. It might be me and I might just be super cocky rn but I don’t think it’s me.

hi! yesterday was a monumental day. I tried to mend my social game with those I hadn’t talked much to, which resulted in me having a lengthy conversation with jack, and making me feel a bit more secure in my tribe/in the event of a swap. the people I don’t talk to keep getting voted out which I’m very much a fan of but that’s probably because they were inactive so that trend might not continue :(. also I lied in my last conf I’m now in an alliance with Chris Jared kori and Bryce? I didn’t expect it but i didn’t feel too close with kori so that should help me solidify something there!! :) I’m thriving. don’t call me ANGEL!

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don’t call me ANGEL! (in case of task challenge :p)

So we won the challenge. Again. It’s really nice to be able to just sit back and relax in the game and watch people struggle but I’m really nervous about it because we’re all so kumbaya on the Oreo tribe that I don’t fully know who I can trust just yet. Another piece of tea is the fact that Alyssa has an idol which is great for me because it shows Alyssa trusts me and I can trust her for the time being. However I’m worried about Alyssa because we keep promising each other merge which tells me she won’t want to go to the end with me just yet so I gotta keep her close and we’ll see how much damage we can do but i think I’m thriving bc I actually know where an idol is compared to last time when I had no clue.

so previously on The Adventures of a F*g, i had a small breakdown about the game. i dont know if true, but bryce informed me of an alliance between kori/jared/bryce/loris/chris, and the last two named are super close allies of mine (the closest on my tribe). they like.. didnt tell me shit about it and idk i guess i just feel excluded and it sucks that im in legit 0 (real) alliances. ive been doing good socially i thought and i dont know but i feel like i really sucked.

meanwhile, i sat down with a bag of salt and vinegar lays chips and talked to myself. why was i doing bad? why was i in 0 alliances? why no one like me?

then it hit me... like boom.

i realized that a typical flaw i had this game was caring too much. i pride myself on my ability to read situations (barring paranoia) and i know myself very well. like, i realized that since i was too concerned with doing good and proving myself, i kind of lost the fun of it all and probably come off as fake or forcible to other people. that isn't authentic.

BUT MY EPIPHANY increased even further. how? i dont know!! my brains so fucking big. i just had to be goofy. yes, i want to do good. i really do. but i played once before in this series and got RU pots and 5th. i know i am capable of being a good player and im content with that, and now that im moving into that mindset where this game wont no longer dictate whether im good or bad, im going to start having fun.

i know this isnt about game really but its like... #selfdiscovery

but ya i just wanted to update yalls on that. i won immunity though so im f18 and probs in swap. woo. finna get fucked. anyway, thank u.

and since i want like attention on this post im going to put tags.

#selfdiscovery #justgirlythings #l4l #follow4follow #gay #faggot #0alliances #disney #anime #weeb #lgbt #survivor #bigbrother #celestial

After we won the face morph challenge, it has been pretty slow. I still have a solid group with me Stephen Z and Jared. Kori and Bryce are close, Jared and I are close, Rhys and Jared are close, and Stephen and I are close. Those are the allegiances I know of right now, but things could change. Lucky for the alliance of 5, they all get to stick together. If there is a swap though, I won't hesitate to flip on bryce/rhys/kori if the opportunity presents itself. I am also kind of worried I am not keeping up socially. I have had a busy week, so my availability is limited, but I try to talk to as many people as I can when I am available. If my predicitons are correct, we should expect a swap soon. I'd love to meet up with Michael, Bodhi, Alyssa, Chloe, Drew, and Mo just to name a few. I feel like I have been able to connect well with everyone except Matt H.

So, as per my last confessional we are at tribal. And I'm conflicted. As said before I have an alliance with jack and Alyssa and they are my main 2 at the moment like love them both. We helped Alyssa find the idol and we now have a vote steal which I found. However I am feeling kinda conflicted over this vote. Jack and Alyssa want to get rid of Tobi but I personally want bodhi gone. He doesn't talk to me like at all and like he's not the best at challenges. I wanna keep Tobi as well for like a laugh because I genuinely love him. We all agreed to keep mo thank god but still, a lil conflicted. AGH. I have found a vote steal tho woo. I'm not going to be happy but I'll swallow my pride and just go with the alliance, because I'm not out here trying to make waves and be unloyal at the moment. That's for later LOL

I think there is a relatively high chance that i'm going home here, considering its 1 and a half hours till tribal and people "still haven't heard anything" so i'm assuming that i'm getting the chop here which sucks... I tried pretty hard considering i've been pretty busy and like they're not giving me much to work with here and it feels like im trying to break through a wall. I'm trying to get the target on bodhi but no one is fucking online to even try to talk to about it so i'm at  a lost for what to do here... I want to stay but i just don't know how to do that when no one is talking to me... i could just be extremely paranoid and i sound delusional right now but idk something feels off here... its so annoying when I enjoy talking to other tribes more than my own NNNN like i really wish things were different but they're not so i'm just gonna try my best and see what happens

Woo we win again. Im trying to step up socially with my tribe, although who knows how long it's gonna matter bc we're prob swapping tonight. Apparently people were saying mo's name, let's pray it doesn't happen bc he's a good fucking kid.

Well it's been a slow couple of days for me. In game I can't really speak much to anything that may have happened. I feel like Tuatha has had a bit of a kumbaya casual flow going on. Which isn't necessarily bad but it makes it hard for me to know how I'm really doing.

Tobi was messaging me worried it might be him, which admittedly wouldn't be the worst thing given how we ended our last game. I was kindof an ass which I kindof leaned into after essentially throwing that game, but I still wish I'd found a way to end things better with him. While there are others I'd rather see go, his boot is one I can probably accept.

If it isn't him then oof who knows then. So long as it isn't Bodhi from that tribe. Overall I'm feeling ok, but I don't want to get complacent, it's just so early that I really don't know what to make of things. One world still isn't really helping since I'm still struggling to try and make conversation with EVERYONE. I really should consider just narrowing it down to some instead of all.

I’m sure hoping this works out for me if there is a tribe swap like a suspect, I think I’ve built some strong enough connections but without going to tribal it’s just not possible for me to be 100%

I've never been on a tribe with a winning streak I feel like I'm in the upside down hahaha. I'm having a great time and getting to know everybody and not having the stress of tribal is great. Sucks for the other tribes OOP

Nothing much is happening! I am still set up perfectly on my tribe and Bodhi has informed me that either Mo or Matt might be going. That was at the beginning of the round so it could really be anyone. I just hope it isn't Bodhi Alyssa or Mo.

Ok this past round was ok. I just kind of let us lose immunity and then we voted out Tobi. I didn’t want to vote out Tobi but that fucker voted for me so I don’t really care at all fuck him.

So not very much has changed on Tuatha as far as I can tell. My tribe winning the immunity challenge has helped me delay any confrontation between my 2 alliances which is great, as it should theoretically allow me to maintain relationships with all 6 members of the tribe. Still, it's going to keep being important to win immunity or pray for a swap in order to keep these groups from clashing.

Jared and Rhys are still a ? for me. I don't know why/how Rhys was able to convince Kori to invite Jared to the alliance of 5 instead of Mitch, and it worries me that those 2 may have a stronger bond than I immediately suspected. Hopefully I'll have an opportunity to deal with that when the time comes.

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Tobi is voted out 5-1. We swap!

[featherfreezombie]

punisher talks:

i finished and am honestly slightly let down. the big show-down was boring, honestly when the “first finale” with orange went down, i thought the last episode was to establish a way forward, instead it was another 40 minutes of gore. i would have loved to see a little more of franks future other than the little therapy snippet. also karen. the treatment of her was erally confusing. first she‘s the most important person to him and then she just vanishes..? little unclear. i really loved their moments together so that‘s a bit sad.

i also wish they would have leaned into the gun-thing a bit more. when they introduced o’connor with his anti-semitic conspiracy NRA bullshit i thought they were really going with it, then they had this pro gun control politician who turned out to be an insecure coward.. they didn’t really adress the points he did make (don’t want to take certain guns away from all people, rather take all guns from certain people) and instead let the argument rest on karens little peashooter, which she has a licence for, and let it fizzle out there. kind of inbetween those two people, nra idiot and political animal who has no idea what he‘s talking about, and kind of put karen in the middle and... idk. never really made a point even though the setup was there and if you look at it all, the young and badly influenced ptsd victim turned terrorist shouldn’t have had a gun but that’s not quite made into a point even though it’s all there.

i mean the overlaying issue is psychological care vets need and that isn’t provided, but still. weiiiird.

i did love lewis’ dad and how earnest and loving he was with his son, that was a nice touch and very different from the portayal of families that lost their mothers usually are. also kind of opposed to micro’s family with this whole “lacking a father figure” narrative that pissed me off.

another thing i had some issue with is the all-encompassing presence of fridge-lady maria. the first couple of flashbacks got to me, the wake-up call thing frank had. but after a while it was just blegh, we get it your wife’s dead and she was pretty in soft lighting.

all in all a good show i guess? though i liked the first half a lot more than i did the second. maybe i wanted to see a bit more recovery in there, although i’m sure recovering frank castle would be counter-productive to the tone and idea of him, there could have been a bit more of it at least hinted at, you could always make steps backwards.

oh and i really liked dinahhhhh, her whole sub-plot was great, although a bit detached and frustrating but i think that was the point they were making about the different approaches of micro and frank as opposed to kinda by the books with dinah.

i’m gonna go read what other people thought now

also zach’s a little shit.