#maybe then we'd start getting somewhere idk

[foxpunk]

im sorry, did yall think that the people paying migrant workers illegally low wages and putting them to work in dangerous weather conditions to pick your vegetables drew the line at only employing adults

[look-at-the-stars-tonight]

one of my friends and i were talking about life and where we would be in a few years and it made me a lil bit sad

[the-fiction-witch]

Please

Media The Artful Dodger

Character Jack Dawkins

Couple Jack X Reader

Rating Sad

Requested: Can you make one where jack had been neglecting y/n. Or maybe they had an argument so they've been ignoring each other and jack started hanging out with belle (or other character) and y/n can see that belle has feeling for jack so she just felt heart broken and tried to disappear from the face of the earth (not die ofc, just you know. Didn't come out of the house or left from somewhere and didn't come out for a while to cope). Idk how you'll do it but uhh fix the relationship after? Maybe with a little bit of hard to get but yeah WAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH Angst to fluff😭🙏 i kinda wanna cry today cuz i haven't been processing my emotions like how a normal person should because it the normal way-,anygays so yeah ig. 🥲💕💕💕 Warnings: Cheating mentions/ arguing/ angsts

I had been sitting in this bed for what felt like a year, stuck up in this little room above the hospital listening to the chaos below. I had never intended to be here, I had a house of my own, but I seemed to always be here. At first, it was just visiting, every day once Jack finished his work I'd come up to his room to visit him, He'd tell me of his day and the business in the hospital, perhaps I'd make him dinner and we'd have a cuddle and perhaps more depending on his energy that evening. And I was so very happy, soon enough we were engaged and of course the sweetness and closeness that comes with it, Over time I visited more and more until I ended up as I was now practically living upstairs in his room. But the more time I spent here Ironicly the less I saw him.

It wasn't like that at first, when I was first here all day every day. The very moment Jack had five minutes he'd come up for a cuddle, a kiss and a cup of tea. But I had seen him less and less of these days. I know he's busy so I didn't want to complain, but I still missed him terribly. I missed just the joy of spending time together just cuddling and saying nothing at all for the pure love of being with one another. But now I saw him once a day, when he would come up to sleep, He'd barely give me more than a few grunts and an eye roll before he'd crawl into bed and sleep. Most days I didn't even get that as He'd come crawl into bed after I went to sleep and be gone before I was awake.

I had tried to go down into the hospital but I always got overwhelmed by the madness or just pushed away by the staff, but I know that's best I don't have any medical training or even knew only what Jack had told me second hand over time, so I wasn't any help and my body being wondering around was certainly a hindrance to the important work being done, and I wasn't even allowed to go into the theatre and watch the surgeries so I lived my life up in this little room.

But today, I had had enough. My mind had been racing all day curious of what he was up to, what he was doing, and who he was with, I found myself catastrophizing the worst of everything and I knew the only way to stop myself from doing so was to know. So I put on a nice dress, did my hair and went down into the hospital as usual people bustling about the place so I checked his ward but, he wasn't there. I checked the theatre but no that was empty too. I began to get worried looking around the hospital trying to see him but I couldn't find him. Luckily I spotted Hetty the head nurse.

"Ohh Do excuse me Hetty,"

"Yes, Miss Y/l/n?" She asked stopping with her bucket in hand,

"Do you happen to uhh know where Dr Dawkins is?" I asked,

"Jack's in the morgue Y/n."

"Ohh, thank you." I smiled, turned on my heels and headed down to the morgue, all being said I was excited to see him. But when I got down there I noticed he wasn't alone, and I don't just mean the body.

He stood over a body in the process of some sort of practice, with... a woman. She was beautiful, In a dress likely worth more than everything I owned, they both glanced up at me and she didn't seem interested, he however gave me a look, he knew me and how my mind worked, and he knew he was in trouble. Immediately he put space between them.

"I know, please don't and let me explain." He began,

"Too late," I answered,

"What's going on?" She asked,

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, "Belle this is Y/n. Y/n this is Lady Belle Fox the governor's daughter."

"Right," She nodded, "And she's relevant becuase?"

"Becuase I'm his fiancé" I spoke up,

She laughed, "Really?"

"Yes." I snapped a little,

"You can't be serious?" She asked him, "Jack?"

"Jack?!" I asked him too,

"I did tell you I was... kinda engaged," he said sheepishly to her,

"Kinda!" I yelled,

"Engaged! No, you did not!" she complained,

"You never even mentioned me!"

"No, he didn't."

"We've been Engaged two and half years!"

"Well, you neglected to mention that."

I was so so enraged! and to be fair so was she, I'm sure to any outsider this would have been hilarious to have seen both Belle and I gang up on him, leaving him really without a side to choose or anywhere to turn. No matter what he did someone was gonna be mad at him.

"I uhh..."

"I'd choose your next words very carefully." She warned,

"Yeah, listen to the lady," I told him,

And his response, was that he simply just walked out. Refusing to deal with either of us. Leaving her and I alone.

"I am... So sorry Y/n, I had no idea."

"It's Alright Lady Belle,"

"If I'd have known I'd never have-"

"you didn't know I can't fault you for that," I reassured her, "Do you have feelings for him?" I asked even if it shredded my heart to ask, and she simply nodded, "That's all I need to know."

I left heading up to his room, but he wasn't there. So I grabbed a bag packed up everything of mine that was there, and I left.

I made the walk back to my little house, even if the weight of my items and the time since last making this trip it felt far longer than I remembered. I set my bag down and locked the door, my little house was dusty and cold but I slid down the door and began to cry my emotions overflowing as if a river had burst its banks, I cried for hours only interrupted by banging on the door and his voice.

"Y/n! Y/n! Y/n I know you're in there! open the door, Sweetheart!"

I didn't answer,

"Ughhh! Open it!"

I didn't answer,

"Uhhhhh for god sake! Open the bloody door!"

I didn't answer,

"I don't have time for this! Will you at least hear me out!"

I didn't answer,

"Ohh for - Fine!" He yelled and the banging stopped.

I made sure the door was locked and went to my bedroom, I lay on my bed and let my emotions flow, they took over me and I remained in this state all day, only broken by the next day at the same time, banging returned to my door.

"Y/n! Y/n sweetheart it's me! Just open the door."

I didn't answer,

"Y/n Open the door!"

I didn't answer,

"Open it Y/n for god sake!"

I didn't answer and after a while, his banging stopped.

But this continued, day after day, every day at the same time he would come and bang on my door shouting, pleading at me to open it. But I couldn't bear to do so. I barely ate. barely drank. Barely even moved. But I just sealed myself away trying to come to terms with it all. It had been a month and I knew the time and expected the usual pounding on my door but not today. Instead, I heard keys in a lock and footsteps down my hall. I forced myself up as they came to my door but I shut it and leaned against it unable to lock him out.

I heard him sigh and weigh against the other side of the door as he too slid down to the bottom of the door,

"You gonna listen to me now?"

"Get out of my house Jack."

"I will, I'll go. When you listen and not before."

"why are you here?"

"Same reason I've been here every day."

"I meant inside."

"Well... I figured we could chat in private, and if I'm inside you don't have much of a choice but to listen, and I'm not leaving till you do so, listen or not I'm staying."

"How'd you even get in?"

"I still have my spare key."

"I regret ever giving you that damn thing..."

"I don't know, it had its good uses."

"I don't have anything to say to you," I said, "I just want to be left alone..."

"I know you do," He sighed, "Strangely enough after three years of dating and two years of engagement I know you fairly well. I know this is your response when you are upset, you hide. You run and hide yourself away it's your response to stuff like this. You run and hide yourself in a corner and catastrophize yourself into a ball of fear, and tears and god knows what else..."

"I think this is a pretty good reason."

"I never said you weren't justified, Sweetheart." He said, "Not this time." He said, "Will you listen to me? Please."

"Fine." I sighed,

"Are you mad? or are you sad?"

"I was mad. Now I'm sad."

"Alright, I don't blame you... for being angry at me, I completely agree you should be angry at me, you should shout and scream and call me a bastard. I just don't want you to be upset."

"What do you care?"

"Becuase I don't want the woman I love to be upset with me."

"You don't love me..."

"I do. You think I'd come back, every day and bang on your door till my knuckles start bleeding for a month, If I didn't still love you."

I didn't have an answer so I didn't say anything,

"Yeah, I looked like a bloody nutter every day for a month." he chuckled, "I wouldn't have come back every day if I didn't."

"You could have gone to see her."

"I could. But I didn't I'm here with you, not with her." He said, "Besides she's mad at me."

"Can't imagine why."

"Ohh everyone's mad at me. You're mad at me, Belle's mad at me, Hetty's mad at me, Even Rotty at the pub is mad at me." he sighed, "I've managed to piss off every woman in port victory in one day."

"Well done."

"Thank you, I'm not proud of it."

"I take it you're doing the rounds then?"

"No. they can be mad at me I don't care, you're the only person I care about being mad at me."

"I am?"

"Well you and Hetty, but I care less Hetty is mad at me for emotional reasons its more... She's the head nurse. Have you ever tried doing surgery where your nurse is ignoring you, not talking to you, and actively wants you to fail, I don't care she's angry It's more just causing me logistical issues."

"Fair enough,"

"I don't care Belle's mad at me, she can be mad at me. I don't want you to be mad at me." He said, "You don't trust me do you..."

"It's a little hard to when you neglect to mention your engagement to a girl."

"I honestly forgot. It didn't cross my mind to mention it."

"So you don't think of me?"

"I think of you every day Y/n. I think of you as my wife so much I forget to even tell anyone else becuase to me it's just... so automatic I don't even think to tell people becuase I just know." He explained,

"Even if she liked you."

He chuckled, "How long did you like me before we started dating?"

"Two years..."

"Would think you'd have figured out I can't tell. The only time I know if a girl is interested in me is if she comes up, sits on my lap and says 'Hey wanna have sex with me' I'm a lot more oblivious to that sort of thing than you'd think I am." He chuckled, "Plus... I don't pay attention to whether other girls like me or not, I have you. So I don't really pay all that much attention."

"Why were you alone together?"

"She has this... germ theory we needed to cut a body open to check. She didn't know how I was teaching her,"

"Teaching her?"

"We didn't do anything I promise."

"And I'm supposed to just trust you."

"Yeah, If I'm going to be your husband... You have to trust me. and I know it's hard. and I know it hurts. and I know your mind and its catastrophizing make you always believe in disaster. But this is ever going to work, You have to trust me. Please"

For a moment I didn't know what to think,

I questioned whether or not to let my heart rule over my head, or my head rule over my heart,

But I got up and opened the door which surprised him as he had been leaning his back against it and was now lying on the floor looking up at me,

"Hi, Sweetheart."

"Hi, Jack."

"Are you... still angry at me?"

"Yes."

"Alright, but it's a start? right?"

"I will forgive you." I nodded,

"You will?" He asked getting to his feet, "I assume there's a but, or an if."

"There is an if."

"Which is?"

"You move in here, and we get married."

"And you'll forgive me?" He asked questionably,

"Yes,"

"... Okay," he nods slightly confused but clearly not going to argue,

"So you stay here, you come home at night, I always know if you're here or at work, and you wear a ring. That'll solve things." I said and I kissed his cheek as I went to the kitchen to make some tea, He soon followed and stood behind me a moment,

"You're sure?"

"Yes I am, That'll solve things, you live here you have to tell me where you go, I know when you're working or not, you sleep here with me, and you swear a ring, everyone knows you're taken. Besides... Two and a half jeans is a long time to keep a girl waiting about time we dealt with it, That agreeable with you?"

He wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed my cheek hard, "That's a deal sweetheart." 

[atlasisrq]

hey i'm just kind of curious why you refer to yourself as transID DID and not like. idk. self-diagnose? /genuine question. maybe it's one of the other dissociative disorders, DID isn't the only one there is

because we don't (or didn't) match any of the diagnostic criteria for DID (or other CDDs for that matter, only DRDP, which i did selfdx as the Moment i found out about it).

we see this in a similar way to reffering to oneself as a trans man vs just a man; to a lot of people the trans-ness is an important part of their identity.

more rambling wrt selfDX CDD vs transDID (and bonus DRDP lore)

(going to be reffering to our pre-plural self as "I", our current selves are "we". yes this gets confusing fast but such is the life of a later formed system LMAO)

i've been experiencing DRDP since sometime in elementary school (between ages 6-9, we'd guess it started somewhere around 8yo), we vividly remember myself experiencing quite severe derealisation on my way to that school, more than once.

when i found out about DRDP, i immedeately went "oh yeah that's it that's what i have". about 3 and a half years ago our plurality was discovered by our host of that time & we've been sincerely questioning if we became plural at a young(er) age and/or developed a CDD, but very litle points towards this being the case.

even if we were naturally (or otherwise previously) plural, only a miniscule amount of 'evidence' points towards having had a CDD throughout my childhood/adolecence.

our memory issues started sometime in our teens (like, btwn 14-16 probably?) and have only very recently started becoming more severe, which we are attributing to our transition towards disordered plurality. (getting all that checked out by the docs btw, jic it's like a brain tumor or smth 💀)

why DID specifically? not sure tbh ¯\_(���)_/¯ we suppose it's something along the lines of "most separation = most disordered", which is admittedly a flawed way of thinking. we've thought about this question a lot & tbh, still can't really describe the why very well 😭

[canmom]

the shape of things that my brain likes is a chain of 'whys'.

if i can ask 'so why is it done this way' and get an answer like 'well, when you try to do x, you encounter y problem, which you can solve by z' that is great. if it's 'we found/created this space of possibilities, and we're all exploring it', that's also great. if it's a historical story, like A came along and defined the scope of the activity, and then B came along and responded, and then C and D and E and F, we're iterating - well it's more arbitrary but if that's the best answer available it's the best answer available.

if it's 'idk, just is' then it's frustrating.

unfortunately the thing is... we humans are instantiated with pretty much an untrained neural net. at first our brains gotta learn shit like motor functions and recognise there's other minds and absorb a language to guide our thoughts and all that shit, but at some point we are just kind of left to our own devices to figure out what to do with the remaining decades of being alive. we have some sense of the shape of the world and it's affordances, our bodies give inputs that we can desire to feel again or hope to avoid, but once survival is taken care of, what we actually do with being alive is not something that has a nice 'deducible from first principles' sort of answer. we have to make arbitrary decisions. confound it!

just about anything can be an art form or a game (two very closely related concepts). it's just like... the scope of some activity that humans have settled on, maybe because we find it tends to arrange the world in ways that please our senses, maybe because it gives a handle to understand the noise around us. we find it satisfying to create these little bits of logical structure in the complete arbitrariness of everything. learning, the process of adapting to something, is a big part of what makes it compelling.

we learn these different activities by imitation at first. but since we crave novelty, and since all these activities are embedded in social relationships of power and prestige and so on, maybe at some point we get unsatisfied, we feel we've seen everything this particularly scheme has to offer, or that the activity as we encounter it doesn't suit our particular lives and we'd rather put a different spin on it... so we adjust it, make another variant. thus cultural practices evolve. they evolve in a way that is much more vague and hard to define than alleles, proteins, and organisms. there's no skin defining the boundary of a concept, it's more like the soup of bacteria swapping genes.

it's all so fascinating, because it's all made of the things that someone somewhere has found fascinating and hoped to communicate to other brains like it. "try this, you might enjoy it," spread across eight billion people and counting. 'i' could live a hundred times from the same starting point and spend the 80-ish years i get alive in a hundred completely different ways and develop into 'different people' each time, and in each one feel that i lived as interesting and purposeful a life as anyone gets to live. but i only get to experience the one lifetime, so I have to choose, even just to let the world choose for me... and let all those choices become a history that pushes into one trajectory or another, even if i can't see its shape. tumbling like a plinko horse.

why am 'i' this person, who cares about these things, and not another person who cares about other things? why did the whirlpool form there and not ten centimetres to the left? why are these sounds a musical genre, why are these shapes an art style? systems be complex, sometimes that's all you can say...

but even if I'm just one little tentacle of the incomprehensible superorganism/egregore/glider-pattern fumbling its way through experience-space, I'm glad i get to be that. wouldn't miss it for the world...

[tonydaddingham]

Because of my heart break over Good Omens season 2, I have been trying to predict what might happen in season 3. Here's what I've got: I think Aziraphale takes on the forces of Heaven. I think Aziraphale is going to realize, the hard way, how toxic Heaven is and is going to fight Heaven to save humanity. And, I think he will start this fight alone.

Aziraphale has constantly shown that he values humanity above Heaven, but he has never really been given the chance to understand that Heaven doesn't have the same values. I mean he's seen it, but he has been told for centuries that Heaven is good - when you're told something so often it makes it hard to unlearn. He will not be able to stand by as Heaven does something to hurt humanity. He also will not be willing to see humanity last only 6000 years. I think there was a bit of foreshadowing that he will fight for Crowley's nebula to get a chance to really grow. I think having him start this battle on his own allows him to get his personal growth, and show Crowley that he is ready to fight for the things he loves (including Crowley). From there everyone will come together. I would also bet that we will get to see a lot more from God in the next season.

Any ways here's to feeding my delusions of everything being fine and Aziraphale and Crowley living happily in love forever.

hi lovely, i know your ask came in a while ago but I've needed to really take a minute to think about it properly!!!✨ I feel like ive been burned by fire as far as prediction goes (ie i got NUFFINK right haha), and think i ought to just stick to analysis lmao💀

however, possible thoughts on s3:

- second coming = greasy johnson, first up

- in terms of aziraphale, i think he's going to get a taste of actually how difficult it truly is to run heaven. i don't think we're suddenly gonna have him self righteous and be pitting himself against all of heaven's bureaucracy, because i think we need to see actually how difficult it is (as much as id hate to feel ANY empathy with any of the archangels). there's going to be red tape, stupid rules that must be followed for the greater good, moral dilemmas that as a lower angel he didnt appreciate had to be made... being a boss is hard. it's not fun, you have to please a lot of people, and make everything fair whilst essentially keeping a business afloat. i think, as it stands, it's pretty obvious that aziraphale is Not Suited for it, but is too much of a good person to not take his opportunity to make things Better

- the motives behind the metatron are going to be interesting to uncover. something tells me sTILL that aziraphale and crowley, together as a unit, are part of the ineffable plan, and this was a plan to separate them in order to prevent certain things coming to fruition (eg metatron references the second coming, but what if he's trying to prevent it???)

- the BoL has to come in again somewhere (the phrase chekovs gun now gives me a Twitch), but again i think that heaven has misunderstood what it actually is. i wonder, as the link says, if it's actually the deciding journal, or at least has a chapter in it, that chooses which angels fall and which don't... which, if aziraphale was meant to fall originally (and crowley took his place - TOTAL headcanon at this point), that could explain a lot about some motives crowley to keep aziraphale from returning to heaven's clutches, a last big secret that could make or break them... anyway i disgress

- idk about god. what really strikes me is the golden glow from heaven in s2e2, vs the sterile white we see now. plus, metatron essentially being de-facto sovereign over heaven? i think god fucked off a long while ago... i suspect she will come back, but maybe not as prominently as we'd like

- idk about crowley's s3 arc, im still thinking about that, he's probably gravitated towards tadfield or the south downs or st... but we're less than 12 hours post s2 release so all a little premature to be thinking about really!!!✨

[funforahermit]

I finished season 5 of Game of Thrones in my rewatch, which now brings me exactly up to the point where I stopped watching last time.

And boy do I see why.

Everything to do with Stannis has led to fucking nowhere, they killed that whole storyline as dead as they possibly could. I haven't read the books, but I've read online that no part of this whole disaster was supposed to happen.

What the fuck happened to Sansa and Theon.... Like, in universe I absolutely support them choosing death over Ramsay, but from a storytelling perspective I think ending Sansa's story like this would be just an abysmal decision. Who does that. Like what the fuck did she even come to Winterfell for if this is it. (And what did Littlefinger get out of it anyway... well but that's a completely different question.)

I don't even want to know what's gonna happen to Daenerys

(To be fair I didn't want to know a lot of things that already happened and I sat through them regardless. But idk, maybe I'm finally reaching my limit.)

I'm glad I got spoilered about Jon coming back, because the first time around I was SO PISSED to see him murdered before we'd even learned who his true parents were (another spoiler I suppose, or just a theory that I'm 1000% convinced is true).

I mean I don't know. Killing off characters for shock value is bad enough, but doing it to characters whose stories weren't even properly over is just-- it makes telling the story in the first place kind of pointless.

Parallel to my rewatch I've been consulting a fan wiki page about the differences between the books and the tv series, and the entry about episode 05x10 starts with a whole list of people who by the way are not actually supposed to be dead at this point. So is this about budget cuts? Got too many actors?

Well anyway. This time I'm gonna power through and watch the rest. I'm sure there's gonna be something worth my time in it. The acting has been consistently phenomenal after all. And I suppose Tyrion's still there, and Brienne, and Arya. Oh and Bran, even though we haven't seen him for ages. Margaery has to be somewhere too. And Littlefinger, that evil little weasel... but he's the closest thing to a villain crush I have in this franchise, so I still want to know what the hell his endgame really is.

[et-cant-phone-home-no-signal]

okay so i couldn't help but have more thoughts watching s2e8 so here's my further rambles as i get through the episode besides me just going "oomf women <3" - spoiler alert under the cut

okay oomf women <3 sorry y'all just totally in love with the dynamic of this team it's so good and i'm sad we didn't get more of them

listen,,,,, the dark troopers are objectively terrifying and i hate them but man, they're so overkill at times sorry it feels so hopeless to watch that trooper totally annihilate and withstand din like that

on a similar note, din my beloved, how many head injuries do you have? because goddamn that's one hell of a beating and idk that "he has the helmet on!" so???? you think you can get punched in the head continuously by a beskar droid and come out with no damage?? at the very least his ears are fucked from the sound, at minimum my man has a concussion rn, and at the most he's got some serious shit going on (don't get me started on s1e8 because that's how I started writing my mando oc into the show, cause the medical issues that din most definitely would be dealing with are solid and i had to vent those medical frustrations somewhere)

apologies for the medical rant about din btw (not actually sorry tbh but yeah) cause man, that shit gets my brain working overtime, anyways i think it's so funny to watch din get thrown around like a ragdoll and then proceed to just yeet all these terrifying high tech murder droids out into space, because what ever happened to them??? i don't think we see them again?? are they just floating around in space???? that's scary bro

din lifting that trooper up by the neck with the spear with total ease,,,, yeah okay cool cool cool

on that note i fucking miss the spear so much :((( loved watching the spear choreografie and it felt so raw instead of just blaster fights, i wish we'd gotten more of that kind of stuff before it got melted down

i absolutely adore than din does not give a single fuck about literally anything other than his child. darksaber? don't know it and don't care to, just give me my kid. i respect that so much like, he doesn't care about the power it brings nor does he seem to really understand what the darksaber is or does, he just wants his kiddo to be safe with him and leave all that political bullshit to others. totally understandable

moff gideon is such a cool and complex character, and i think giancarlo esposito was the absolute perfect casting for this because he brings immense nuance to the role. why did he have me genuinely believing he was gonna let din leave with grogu? why are din and me both this gullible? is it because of his masterful delivery, or because we both want to see the best in people? maybe we'll never know

cue one of my absolute favourite fight scenes perhaps from the whole series - obsessed with the choreographie of this scene and the hand to hand combat. the spear kick and flip literally makes me pause and rewind every time like, i can't help but make a "ooh" sound out loud because i love it so much. gods we should have gotten so much more of this style of fighting!!! nothing screams mandalorian more to me than this battle y'all

DIN HOLDING MOFF GIDEON AT THE END OF HIS SPEAR OHHHH MAN yeah this scene really does it for me in so many ways i'm truly just a girl when watching this episode (not to mention he just casually accidentally became the one to rightfully claim the throne of mandalore, i'll never not find this funny as fuck, especially bo katan's reaction later i'm already giggling)

gideon's glee at bo katan not having the darksaber is actually so amusing and it rubs off on me cause why am i also cackling at her seething anger towards din rn. my man does not give a shit about this weapon, is fine just giving it to her, but because of some stupid ass ancient tradition she can't take it?? comedy gold right here. Like,,,

"the darksaber. it belongs to you." "now it belongs to her." "she can't take it. it must be won in battle. in order for her to wield the darksaber again, she would need to defeat you in combat." "i yield. it's yours." "oh no. *cackling* it doesn't work that way. the darksaber doesn't have power, the story does. without that blade, she's a pretender to the throne."

AND HER FACE THROUGHOUT ALL OF THIS IS PURE "i will murder you" AND IT TOTALLY SENDS ME!!! her grudging little "he's right." and din still not getting it, "come on, just take it." because ??? he doesn't care in the slightest, he just doesn't want the damn thing. he's got his kid so nothing else matters. i wonder if that alarm hadn't gone off, if bo would have taken it because she seemed to genuinely be considering it before the alarms went

hey remember when i said we never see the dark troopers again? yeah i totally forgot about them coming back to the ship lol sorry y'all i only ever watched this episode once because i'm too emotionally attached to the first season and never properly rewatched the second one until now. i have seen season 3 but i genuinely do not remember a single fucking thing about it so that's also gonna be fun

i think one of the reasons i find the dark troopers so genuinely unsettling is because they give off massive ww2 germany vibes, and by that i mean they visually feel reminiscent of the helmet style and it gives me luftwaffe vibes. in holland we get a lot of education on that stuff, especially since i'm from the east so we focus on that quite a bit since we were the first to be invaded (if my opa was still alive i think he would have hated star wars because of the overtness of the real war implications) so idk it sets off massive red flags and bells in my head and sends a bit of a chill down my spine. the music isn't helping though

(also this is not an open invitation to discuss war and war uniforms, i don't wanna talk about that stuff i just wanted to voice why the troopers unsettle me this much)

din patting grogu on his little head, "don't worry kid, i'm gonna get you out of here." *sobs*

all the subtle signs before luke is revealed is so *mwah*. a single x-wing arrives, grogu perks up once it enters the ship, gideon looking nervous as hell, the troopers stop and immediately shift their focus from our heroes to the newcomer,,, yeah great buildup

also luke is so damn dramatic with it, i love this kid <3 i was not a star wars child because my parents were never into it, so the mandalorian is what got me into star wars, but i really enjoy the original trilogy! a new hope is probably my fave, as simple as that sounds, just because i adore the trios dynamic in it so much, and i never thought i would get so into the lore and fandom but it's so cool?? i'm glad i could get into star wars even if it was later than most people

gideon taking his chance, din DIVING to the floor to protect his son oh my GOD, dad of the year award guys. also gideon's dramatic ass attempt immediately being foiled by cara is so funny to me, pathetic little man vibes rn

how,,, did grogu get up on the control panel?? he's so small. his dad watching him with such obvious care and love even through the helmet,,,, i love how important body language is with din and how well it's conveyed both through pedro and his stunt double (i know who it is i swear, my brain is just empty rn so if anyone wants to comment it please do). idk i love when din uses his whole head and body to convey his feelings and thoughts; tilting his head very obviously when he's confused or considering something, leaning in towards people he's really listening to, the slutty little knee (though that's mostly pedro tbh)

gods the fight choreographie *MWAH* i love it, obsessed with watching luke swipe through these troopers with such grace and ease, using the force so sparingly yet so effectively, it's not even that showy or anything, it's (mostly) very practical and i adore that!!

din and grogu having this silent conversation, they both know what has to happen next

cgi hamill can't hurt you, cgi hamill can't hurt you... but they couldn't have given him a slightly better haircut?? 😭 his unmoving face unsettles me i think this cgi is worse than what they did in rogue one for moff tarkin (that was some amazing cgi i have to say)

"are you a jedi?" ......din you're so stupid i love you so much

jedi and mandalorians are so similar in so many ways and i don't think either group likes that very much lmao, they both put younglings/foundlings at the top of their priority list, have ancient traditions that they stubbornly stick to, follow a creed of some kind and are very stuck in their ways.... maybe that's why they hate each other historically so much

had to pause on this scene because i was getting too emotional at their farewell and i couldn't see the screen through my tears ✌️ he's a good dad even if he's pretty dumb sometimes. he's a simple man in a complicated situation and he loves his son so much,,,,,,, yeah cool this is fine

LIKE COME ON THE FUCKING HEMLET TOUCH??? GROGU STARING UP AT HIS BUIR WITH THE BIGGEST WETTEST BROWN EYES THAT RIVAL HIS DADS??? DIN BREAKING HIS CREED, AGAIN, JUST FOR HIS SON???? JUST SO HE COULD SEE HIS FACE PROPERLY FOR ONCE BEFORE THEY SAY GOODBYE??? I AM EMOTIONALLY RAVAGED HOW DARE THEY I'M SO UPSET 😭 😭 😭

din why did you put your one foot tall son on the floor instead of handing him to the jedi directly lmao he's the size of a rotisserie chicken - GROGU WHINING AND HOLDING ONTO HIS BUIR'S FOOT????? I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THIS Y'ALL I'M NOT OKAY - R2 my beloved <33 favourite droid in the whole galaxy fr

luke holding grogu specially so he can see over his shoulder, i see you and i love you for this

din "brown eyes" djarin breaking my fucking heart - love the little detail that all the others are actually behind din so they haven't necessarily seen his face! just the back of his head! so luke and mayfeld are the only people that have actually seen din's face (IG-11 is a droid so i'm not counting him) - but anyway pedro is so good at the "kicked puppy wet eyed look" that i think it's gotta be his signature thing by now right?

could you imagine how fucking funny it would have been if boba appeared just in time to see luke get into his ship and he's like "isn't that the asshole jedi that sent me flying into the sarlacc??? din what's he doing with the kid???? YOU LET THE GUY THAT CONDEMNED ME TO YEARS OF PAIN AND SUFFERING TAKE YOUR CHILD AND YOU HAVE NO CONTACT INFORMATION FOR HIM??????" he would've murdered din on the spot i'm cackling

i forgot there is an after credits scene let's goo - bib fortuna looking GROSS i adore the practical effects so much more than the cgi sorry y'all you cannot beat prosthetic work goddamn he looks amazing

fennec <3333 boba's entrance mmm just straight up killing bib is such a slay honestly, the setup for bobf is so good and i love this duo, i wish we'd gotten so much more of them!!!! the hype was so real i remember being so excited when it first aired

wow what a lot of words my bad y'all sometimes i can't help myself!! hope it amuses some of you and feel free to fangirl with me over this stuff cause yeah it's awesome 👍

[confessions-official]

I'm so tired of my parents, listen they are wonderful people and I'm glad I have them and they aren't abusive at all but god they're so tiring

They talk about me being independent and how since I'm 17 I have to be ready for adulthood but then when I do something on my own they turn around and worry about someone else doing it for me

everyday before school they brushed my hair and picked me clothing for as long as I remember and the rare times they have to go somewhere so they won't do it they stress to my sister (mind you, she's 23 and in collage!!!!) to 'get me ready' when I'm in like, 10th grade? And I figured 'ok by the way this apartment is small and the way it's structured maybe this is why they'll stop eventually' but then they didnt

yesterday I decided to bake something so I went to the store, my sister at the time was at work and as she was coming home she was on the phone with mom and mom was seriously worried about if my sister dressed me not to look ugly, SHE WASNT EVEN THERE? and whatever I just threw something together because it's 30+ CRLCIUS OUTSIDE no one cares I was in there for like 20 minutes

And they do my homework, I'm being dead serious, this one's less """complainy""" because some people would kill for that and I get it but recently they started to only use chatgpt despite me askingif they can't, they still went with it so I don't bother, I don't bother with school cuz in reality my grades are theirs, the science teacher is weridly obsessed with ""my"" notebooks and wants to keep them (those notebooks were genially a nightmare, another story though), every teacher thinks I'm some werid super genius when in reality I myself haven't really done anything for the past 10 years, rightfully so cuz idk how to write an essay or a presentation, but I remember when I tried to write my homework my dad would erase everything and we'd do it again, my dad barges in the room to tell me everything about the lesson we had in whatever class cuz I haven't read it (mostly cuz A) I wanted to but I couldn't hastag executive dysfunction or B) there's no reason?) and he's so BORINGGG I can't hide it he's just so boring, I haven't used correctors in my life because they're worried about the Grammer being right on the first try (difficult relationship w my native toung lol)

and mind you, I don't think i need alot of support at all I'm a level 1 autistic (I don't like using the levels but it's the only way I can describe it) and admitibly I am a 'shut in' from the world (domino effect, I was the one who did it to myself, I know this is going to fuck me over in the future lol) but I am not stupid, I know how to usually get ready for the day I know how shopping works, the only real things I need support are going to places I don't know and things related to law

but I just can't, you guys preach about me having to be independent because you might kick the bucket soon and that's great! however you can't say that and then go to my sister panicking if SHE dressed ME for a walk to the STORE which is outside my HOUSE, I know you care so much for my wellbeing and I'm glad and appreciative for that even if I don't show it well but for me to overhear my parents arguing "well if we die and they take everything from her like money and houses what then" and my mom just replying with something along the lines of "that's her problem" like wow thanks you guys can't even decide if I should be independent or not because of the way you act, tired of you all

 

[cvbullshit]

In (slight)Defense of Sweet Cap'n Cakes!

I saw that someone had called these three 1 dimensional characters and, I'm sorry, but I have to rant about it even if no one cares. If fact, I never knew that I cared about it myself.

To say though, I know not everyone believes this possibly but I just wanted to say this anyway.

Sweet Cap'n Cakes are not flat characters. To be honest, they do have traits sprinkled out here and there. I will say though, they are... sprinkled. Not much of and I can understand why they could come off as flat characters.

Let's start with, in my opinion, the least developed seeming, Cap'n. He, admittedly, comes off as the most flat of the three as the most traits he shows, independently, is being sneaky/scam-y and liking girls. That's really it, still has traits, but pretty.. Low.

Next is K_K, the second most developed in the trio. Now, K_K is interesting... From what I can tell, he seems to have a maximum of 1 trait, which would technically make him the least developed... If he didn't give vibes of being on the Spectrum somewhat. I'll be honest, to me, he seems like he's somewhere on the Spectrum or other alike things, idk why, he just does. Gives the vibe. So, number wise in number of traits, he'd be the least developed but if you think he's on the Spectrum then that bumps him up to be more interesting than him just seeming more out-of-touch/stupid.

Lastly is Sweet, the most developed in my opinion. Unlike the other two, he seems to have a clear-cut goal, a decent goal at that. He seems to genuinely sorta want help in some aspects, he wants to make a few things better at least for himself, he's stubborn and always believes he's on the right/good side even if he's oblivious to some stuff around him. He tries to keep the other two on track and seems actually somewhat determined to get what he wants out of everything. A decent guy really.

I think the reason they come off as flat is because of two reasons. Reason number one, they seem to be those type of friends who, when separated, you can tell who they are and what type of people they act like, but when together their personalities just meld together so they come off as having almost the exact same personality copy and pasted. The second reason is because of how little screentime they got, do I expect them to get more screentime? Not really, maybe cameos. But, if they were important to the story more, then we'd probably get a chance to see their real selves shine. It doesn't help if you combine my two reasoning either because their fight, aka one of their main important appearances and their shop scene legit has them all together.

That's all I have to say about this. Am I completely right? Eh, debatable. Did I miss a few things? Probably. Did I research this topic to make a full compelling defense? Fuck no. Again, like I said, I didn't expect to care this much and even what I did care about wasn't much. This was all made based off of my poor ass memory of them. So please correct me if I got shit wrong and add in whatever I missed, please, I'm not here to fight that I'm right and people who correct me are wrong, I will not die on that hill because I will lose.

Other than that, feel free to give your own thoughts and opinions, again, this was just my half-thought-of rant.

What type of characters are they if not flat?: Static, they are static characters.

[system-reset]

the thing is... we're not an immediate threat to ourselves and we're not really ever a threat to others. we're feeling like shit and we'll talk and think about wanting to get out of it, sometimes in permanent ways. but we'll never go through with it, because

a) we're scared and

b) we really truly believe we cannot die.

so yea we sometimes think about wanting to die but we'd never bother trying it, and frankly the chronic pain is bad enough without inflicting more damage upon ourselves.

but evidently sitting here at home on our own isn't helping at all, and we... might benefit from a change of location for a few weeks. somewhere we haven't been before. somewhere with people who are there to ensure we don't suddenly change our mind about not bothering to try to contact Death.

but the big problem with that is what i said at the start: we're not presently an immediate threat to ourselves or others. we'd be sent off with a "hey maybe go see a therapist and talk about some new meds"

that's the other thing, I'm so sick of medication. I don't... I just want to be a person without having to wake up just to drug myself for the day. it's tiresome and we've been on these meds for years and they're not working anymore.

we're tired. I just... we... there's no solution for this, because we've only built supports around the meh times and the crisis times, not anything in between. we don't have a place for people like us and it's just... idk.

[arunikas]

Hey Aru!!!

Related to your tags in my post

https://www.tumblr.com/arunikas/712901969567711232

I share the same sentiments with you! It was great to see that they added that new baby Boruto flashback scene with first time parents NH, but the entire episode did feel something lacking.

I was under the impression (there were hints about it that I saw somewhere before) that the episode would be somewhat similar to how it was during the Kurama episode, but I kinda... Didn't feel that?

I wasn't alone in watching that episode btw, and we had expressed that there was something missing in the overall feel of the episode. We were like, watching another regular episode for Boruto... Sure the animation was great, the fight scenes were well-executed, and the end part with Kawaki and Boruto was a good way to finish the series, but the emotions? Especially while Naruto was still holding on to Boruto, in complete denial of what happened... I was like - detached, neutral towards the whole thing.

And I know it's not because we already knew what was coming - we're all manga readers - we knew what was going to happen to Kurama but the emotions felt during the parts they were reminiscing had a lot of impact. Comparing that to the Boruto finale, well... Idk... I'm not even sure if I'm explaining this properly lol

OH THANK GOODNESS.........

Born I just started feeling uneasy and afraid that I might be a partypooper because of the tags I wrote, especially to you Born since you were the OP of the post. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable of what I said because everybody seems to enjoy the entirety of the episode (which is great! how long has it been since we hear good news from the Boruto episode?) Beats me.

But I'm relieved now that you felt the same way! If compared to Kurama's farewell, YES I AGREE WITH YOU!!!?!! We knew what's gonna happen and we just needed to sit back and watch how they'd execute the scene and I was literally crying and sobbing and choking on my breath even after a while I finished the ep of Kurama's farewell. It was so heartfelt and they absolutely did the scene justice! Even until now, I still feel a clench in my chest whenever I play the outro of that episode because it'd ALWAYS flood me with nostalgia of the feelings I felt when I watched it.

I was kinda expecting, nah, I really put my expectations high for this ep as well and maybe that's what makes it even more.....dare I say, disappointing? (no offense to those who enjoy the ep! your feelings are valid!!!)

My expectations skyrocketed once I saw the opening scenes of Naruto's core memories of baby Boruto and I was reaaaaally anticipating to see those glimpses come to life in the actual episode, with longer version, deeper flasback, and a profound heartfelt scenes!!!! Even when I was fascinated by the fight scenes, my mind would alway wonder "where's it? where's Naruto and (dead)Boruto? where's their moment and the flasbacks?????"

But then suddenly he got revived and I was like, "that's it?????????" 😭

I don't know...........it felt like....... everything just happened in a flash......too fast......like they rushed it to fit the 24minutes of the ep......like there's not enough time...... Even after finishing the ep, I was like, "where's my tears????????"

Nothing is stopping SP to go all out with the ep, like, wasn't it the finale of part 1????? I expect we'd get some blow in the guts with the ep hahahahahs that's (maybe) where I made my mistake. 😀

But my mami Hinata looked so good in the opening scene and for me it's their redeeming point lolol (though you must have also noticed the inconsistency of her hair? lol)

So that's my conclusion of the entire ep. I love love the opening and the ending, but the middle of the ep feels like it was lacking something....idk how to properly address this but I'm sure you understand what I mean😀❤️

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me Born!!!!!!!! I was really starting to feel bad because I couldn't feel it like how I'd imagined it would be. But, meh, that's how it is for me lolol

[batboyblog]

Hi! I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the anon from a couple weeks ago who just found out their grandma was jewish. I didn't know at first if I should get you a follow up, but your attention and kindness are still so dear to me, I decided it wouldn't hurt, at least (plus you called me friend, which is a win in my book)

So, I didn't talk to my grandma at first - my mother and aunts did. It was a very charged conversation, everyone was sore after a few days, but afterwards Grandma called everyone in the family to talk. She told us the broad strokes of the story, which was also very intense. She said she won't expect any of us to take this stuff to heart and start being Jewish, as she put it, but that she was happy with what we could share. She's kind like that. I know she's scared, I don't think she could not be, but she's been patient. I've taken opportunities to talk to her in small increments about it. I am really very open about learning about it, if not from a religious standpoint at the very least from a cultural one. She shared her secret for babka with me, as I asked her to. I learned it was her father's mother who taught her sister when he was young. It feels surreal to know this, a lifetime and an ocean away. But I'm happy she got to share this. I'm not the greatest baker, but I'm excited to try and bake it.

It's about to be Purim, right? A couple days away? My aunt is thinking of suggesting grandma that we celebrate it. I don't think we'd know what to do much, since grandma hasn't celebrated it in like, 80 years, but maybe she'd like that. Or maybe it's too soon. We'll see!

Anyways, I just thought I'd let you know. It may not have been much to you, but your words have really mattered to me. Thank you!

(also to whoever linked the song 'we are a miracle' in the notes of one of my asks, thanks for the song. I cried listening to it! I'm still very hesitant to say I'm Jewish, since I'm so removed, but to have even 1/1000th of connection to this history is honestly an honor.)

first off, of course I remember! its one of the more interesting things I've heard through this blog!

I'm glad you reached out I've been wondering ever since our last back and forth.

I'm also very glad you've been able to talk to your grandma and get a little family history and baking

yes Purim is coming up, it starts on the 6th, Jewish days start at sun down so a Jewish day would be night fall the 6th to nightfall the 7th, with the 7th being Purim (or the 14th of Adar in the Jewish calendar) you should totally ask her

IDK what Jewish community life is like where you live, if you live somewhere with LOTS of Jewish life or not. But I was thinking about after our last talk you should ask your grandma if she'd like to speak to a Rabbi, clearly these things do still mean something to her. I don't really know again how much Jewish life there is around you as far as options, and I also don't really know what your grandma would be comfortable with. Any ways she might find it comforting and easier to have one on one chats with a Rabbi rather than trying to dive into finding holiday services to go to.

one thing you might do for Purim, is the traditional cookie of the holiday, hamantash I mean who doesn't like a plate of cookies?

any ways if you live somewhere without a lot of Jewish resources, feel free to message me and we can brain storm ways to connect your grandma with resources. And feel free to message me any ways

also, this is a hard conversation, but you know, this is the end of her life, and while at the time I found it very hard to have the conversation with both my grandparents during their lives, after they passed a few years ago I found knowing what they wanted done as far as the funeral and stuff very comforting I felt very much like I was helping them. Sorry I know it's a very hard thing to talk about but... before it's too late your family should ask, does she want a rabbi? a Jewish funeral? a Star on her grave stone? her Hebrew name?

I wish you, and your family the best of luck (and happiness) with all this and to repeat my ask box and messages are always open for all questions, thoughts, updates etc

[jennawynn]

Chronotrek: Disco Season 2 Part 4?

Episode 11

mmm body horror. exactly what i like over my mac and cheese :joy:

I really like this kind of intro where there's a bunch of images that you can contextualize differently as the season goes on. it's like a scavenger hunt.

Michael's face journeys are always such a sight to see. Her indignance when she hears that her mom doesn't want her to come down.

lol "Hamlet. Hell, yeah."

Mom's like 'I feel nothing about you because all life is going to die.' Michael's like 'I will feel for both of us.'

Did they have to flashback the "unacceptable risk to the larger mission"? They don't trust us to remember the 'unique turn of phrase' we just heard in the last scene?

As soon as Mom did the UNO Reverse and started talking about how much she was there with Michael, watching, I knew she wasn't going to come back any time (haha) soon.

Episode 12

I feel... I dunno, disappointed? in the direction this went. There was time fuckery and everything... and it just boils down to Evil AI? An Evil AI that was supposedly already killed, but 'not really because I said so'. With a hefty dose of 'nothing you're doing is working because I said so'. Maybe I'm just feeling frustrated like Michael is :joy:

The biological imperative of protecting a child is... idk, I don't like it in pretty much any context. It feels lazy and reductive. Add it to Ash's story, a story I'm already unenthused about, and it only makes me dislike it more. "This child I've never met is my child and I would do literally anything to protect them because they are made of me." Ugh. Like. I think I don't like it because of the assumed elevation of biological parenthood and procreation over everything else, the assumption that bio parents are best parents, that all parents feel this way. The way it's lumped in with 'you might not want kids now, but if you have one, you'll connect and change and feel it later'.

I remember seeing somewhere that God does not exist in Star Trek. But that's at least twice now "God" has been referenced by characters in this show. Did they slip, or did they make the active choice to go against the old standard?

This whole 'capture it in a cage of a new system' thing doesn't feel like how computers work. Or why they're getting under the floor to do things. It feels forced like so much of this arc. Now... Gant being 'infected'? That I saw coming.

I don't know, maybe they just needed to make it a threat that could be seen and interacted with because 1) TV is a visual medium and 2) it might be hard to understand what's happening without it.

I couldn't explain it if I tried. "The crystals cause things to age fast." There, explained it :joy:

Episode 13

Those evacuation corridors were hot. lol I love seeing the way they bring the science to life. Though the folding/unfolding thing would be very.. questionable to me. Lots of stress on the joints.

You know... even though I knew they go to the future (which is why I don't get to watch Disco season 3+ until after I watch everything else), I somehow didn't see this coming?? Like. I don't know why? I assumed it was some accidental thing or something (maybe because I thought there were still several episodes left in this season). Even though again

I knew Disco season 3+ is in the future

I know that the plan was originally to send the data with the suit into the future

lmao Georgiou: simply find a nova and fire an antimatter torpedo into its core. Saru: We'd be responsible for the loss of life through dozens of light years Georgiou: Uh... yeah. Michael: We're not doing that. G: I thought there were no bad ideas. Pike/Admiral: That's a bad one. That's a lie.

Which genius built that? My mom. I had a special mom too. Georgiou: Ugh.

That was like three sentences and it still made me want to cry.

Listen I just want to repeat every line Georgiou has. 'like a galactic rubber band with a martyr complex.'

Oh no, now I am crying at this Sarek, Amanda, Michael scene.

And everyone standing with her :sob: But god leave Ash behind please.

Oh yay! lol ....ugh.

Oh no, all the going away messages :sob: They're just trying to wreck me.

Wait, Spock can't go. He's in the other ones.

So weird that 'parade rest' is the kind of informal salute of respect for Starfleet.

The cage is slowing things down, so Tilly calls for help, but not from Po? Who made the cage? Who already said she's not leaving? And was verified to not be back on her planet yet? Where's she at?

God I'm stressed. I'm almost glad I have to go back to work and can't watch the finale yet.

4 hours later... seriously i think i cried so much i gave myself a headache that is STILL HERE.

Episode 14

"Leland! We were just talking about you. Everybody hates you. Congratulations."

Man... I gotta say I'm kinda surprised that they were surprised that the 31 ships were nano-botted into micro-ships by Control.

At some point the people on Discovery have to realize that they're actually more likely to survive this battle than the folks on Enterprise, right? Like... yeah, they're going into the future and leaving everyone they've ever known behind, but at least they'll be alive.

Going to give my usual 'evasive actions and attack patterns being prescripted is silly' speech... like chess moves being memorized, especially playing against an AI. The only way to win is to be surprising. Anyway.

They're surrounded (but still in planar orientation, like a disc, not a sphere) but they still say all power to forward shields??

Get off my ass! Sir. Get off my ass, sir!

"Starboard shields..." and then they turn 90 degrees and show their whole topside against the enemy like a shield. Wish they'd like... use the terminology they're showing.

This cocoon thing is stressing me out. It's so well designed to explain exactly what's happening, and it isn't confusing like a lot of action scenes can be.

The DOT 7s are adorable.

Shouldn't the two big ships also be moving? Like... they're sitting ducks. Go up or down and move. Space is 3 dimensional.

You're my home. :sob:

Such a cool way to portray going through the time wormhole, with time turning into a static image on a plane of glass, seen from behind with the textured hole around emptiness... In other jumps, it looks like a CD.

Ok as much shit as I give them for making stuff up to make it sound scientific, this fight on the walls and ceiling is fun.

Why are captains so goddamn self-sacrificing? _You don't sacrifice the queen or king without good goddamn reason._

Are they really asking how she's gonna guide them through DURING THE FIGHT?? Shouldn't this have been figured out before?

And why aren't the people working on the torpedo in EV suits just in case they get ripped out into space? I guess it's faster that way.

Why was the effect of that torpedo so much worse than normal ones? Don't they fire those all the time?

Ah, so that's why Spock stays.

Y'all. _People are dying._ Hurry this up. lol

Fuckin Enterprise looks like someone took a bite out of the cookie.

Number One's name and rank is "Number One" :joy:

lol how convenient that "we have sworn to never speak your name with others' to explain why Spock, who is so central to TOS, never mentions a sibling.

He looks so different all cleaned up.

And that's it for Discovery until I get through all 1000 hours of the rest of the entire fucking series of serieses! lmao

looks like I have a couple short treks to get to before we move on to Strange New Worlds.

[coffee-keith]

This is long rant and super specific to me but I feel like I need to write about this somewhere.

I finally got some decent sleep last night! I tried a new med and got insomnia from it so I was only sleeping a few hours a night for a few days there with extremely high anxiety while it got out of my system. Now that I've slept I feel better but man I'm still very anxious. It's hard to tell what's from this episode and what's more valid. Maybe "valid" isn't the right word. Idk. I'm trying to figure out if I fucked up by accepting this job offer or if it's just from this episode. I 100% started job searching too early for several reasons. Context: I'm a physics graduate student, and I started applying for jobs (mainly this job) before I had started my thesis and before I was done with my analysis. I was having a hard time with the collaboration and my situation and needed to think about the possibility of getting out and doing something meaningful with my life. My sort-of-boyfriend at the time (hard to describe other than maybe a situationship?) is another grad student in the collaboration and he was incredibly motivated to get out and graduate. So I kind of got dragged along in that desire to get out but without the confidence or the drive (or lack of anxiety) to commit to long hours. There was an opportunity that arose with a group at a national lab that my friend is now staff scientist at. It's in space science and super cool and one step to the side of what I want to do and would be an amazing way to get into the field. I applied and they flew me out for an interview and it went really well and they gave me a verbal offer. This was in February. And now it's been a game of me being optimistic and giving a time estimate, then realizing I am not progressing as I should, then being like "ooops sorry I need more time" and then them being like "we'd like you as soon as you can, but whatever you need". And now that has gone on until I'm up to the point where I'm not sure if I can make it on the latest start date possible in the offer I signed. I'm trying to remind myself that I never "lied" to them. I was just excited and optimistic. But maybe still did start to early. And honestly I'm scared I'd never be able to finish the thesis even with infinite time. And some of my peers are like "yeah, I had to work for 8+ hours a day on my thesis with no weekends" and I literally can't do that. My brain won't let me. I'm feeling so very frozen. I have a very strong shame response and I'm feeling an incredible amount of shame imagining that I need to make this group restart their postdoc search. It feels personal because I was recommended by my friend and I would be failing him personally. And also the shame of failing in general. I should reach out to my support people but I'm just so frozen and scared. There's also the problem that with what I have written so far, I feel almost like I'm plagiarizing because I've been looking at the thesis of two of my peers that have already been submitted. And it's so hard for me to not be like "what they are doing is correct so I need to do something similar". I also feel like there's so many imposter syndrome hurdles I need to overcome that my peers probably didn't. (I'm the only grad student on this thesis that isn't a cis man). I want to understand everything but it feels like I'm copying and not actually understanding. I know I need to talk to my advisor and my other contacts and not make any big decisions right now. But my brain is just screaming at me that I need to get this pressure off so I am not so frozen. And the most direct way to do that (other than dropping out completely and never writing my thesis) is by getting rid of this timeline all together. This is probably the lack of sleep and anxiety, but I'm so tempted to undo the offer (before I waste even more moths of the group's time), go home for a month and be sad, and then just restart and take another year or something. Again, that would be a bad decision and I won't let myself make any bad decisions right now, but I just wish this amazing job offer didn't feel like a death sentence.

[vulcanmindtrick]

I am losing my goddamn mind. I have a massive crush on this guy I work with, and I'm pretty sure, if our circumstances were different, we'd probably be together (maybe that's wishful thinking, but I honestly think it might be true). But he has a girlfriend (but then again, it is a super long distance thing because they live on opposite sides of the world currently, and will for the next 2 years, so who knows, maybe they'll break up or decide to open the relationship (if they haven't already idk) or something, and I feel like an awful person for wanting them to break up or whatever, but you know...)

On the other hand, he currently thinks I'm a lesbian, but I'm actually bi (unless some other coworkers told him, but I doubt it). I've known I'm bi for a while now, but I didn't start telling people until recently. I haven't told him, because I don't want to just bring it up randomly, because I feel like that would be weird. I kinda hope it'll come up in conversation, but it really doesn't. But I'm also worried about telling him, because I'm worried he'll be weird around me after that. Not that he would have a problem with it, more like "we can't hang out anymore" at least not one-on-one, because maybe he would consider that cheating or something. But i'm just paranoid, he hasn't mentioned anything like that.

But I swear, sometimes when we hang out... maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part, but I can't help but think he might be into me too (at least a bit). Like, if I'm standing somewhere, and he comes up to talk to me, even if there's plenty of space, he ends up standing pretty close to me, definitely closer than I would stand next to someone (that I wasn't interested in anyway). I've been giving him rides to and from work sometimes because he doesnt have a car yet and he lives in between me and our work. Tomorrow, he has an appointment at a bank before work, so he suggested I could pick him up from there, but that there's a bagel place next to the bank, so we could get bagels together. But even as I'm typing all of this out, it feels like I'm looking too far into it. I mean, if one of our (straight male) coworkers were giving him a ride instead, he would probably suggest the bagel thing, too. So maybe he sees me only as a friend. Which is fine, I really enjoy being friends with him, he's fantastic. But god, just yesterday, he was saying something to me, and I just kept thinking about how I could just lean over and kiss him, but that it would go so badly, so I would never do that, but goddamn I want to (and so much more, holy shit)

Anyway, I'm going insane over this (in addition to all my stress from finishing my PhD. My dissertation is due in less than 2 weeks, and I have so much left to write, but instead of working on it right now, I'm venting my frustrations to tumblr... there is definitely something wrong with me)