#maybe the pain is caused by one of my organs exploding from how stressed i am constantly . lol

[daz4i]

pain's too unbearable when sitting. more manageable when i'm lying down. BUT i feel like i'm gonna fall asleep 😭 which is a problem bc i really shouldn't

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Could you do a scenario about Nemona, Penny and Arven with a real who has type null please? Maybe something about it transforming in Silvally?

YES NULL/SILVALLY TIME

I have one in Sword who I call "Bestie", and it's carried me through the Crown Tundra DLC. I want it in Violet so badly aaaa

Also this just reminded me of my fic that I wrote prior to Sun/Moon's release. Ya'll can give it a read if you so desire <3

That being said, this scenario will be like a sequel of sorts

........

Revealing Type: Null--or "Nully" as you've affectionately called it--to your friends was something you were initially nervous about...

But today was finally the day.

Moving away from Alola to attend school here in Paldea was quite the stressful journey, especially for your masked companion who had never know any place besides stark white labs and sandy beaches.

People kept warning you about how dangerous it was, but you never listened...and now your bond with the mysterious normal type has never been stronger.

Ever since you rescued it from an Aether Foundation facility that exploded due to its rampage, it put its trust in you and loved you unconditionally.

Learning the truth behind that supposedly "good" organization and its leader broke your heart. Although nothing devastated you more than realizing Nully had been held captive there as both experiment and prisoner.

You've tried researching its species, checking for notes and hacking into secret files the foundation kept under lock and key--and you discovered that Type: Nulls were basically created as "tamer" versions of Arceus, even having memory discs similar to the plates manufactured. They were meant to kill the Ultra Beasts should they invade Alola.

Instead, they went on a rampage (of course, that's what happens when humans try replicating a god's powers) and were confined to masks and put into cryogenic stasis. The whole project was deemed a failure.

As tragic as it was...you were relieved to have found Nully when you did and get it away from that horrible place.

Even so the mask still made it feel absolutely miserable, but unfortunately you couldn't find any further information on how to remove it without causing your precious Pokémon serious injury. There were no visible clamps to unlock, pulling it off would only cause it great pain, and cutting seemed too risky.

The only benefit was that it made Nully immune to critical hits, but the cons definitely outweighed the pros.

Maybe one of your friends knew more about the Type: Null species, and so you decided to call them all over for a picnic if they had free time.

All you could do was pray that they didn't lose their cool and scare your companion.

That's the last thing either of you needed.

Arven was the first to arrive, with Mabosstiff at his heels as usual, but he stopped dead in his tracks upon seeing the bizarre-looking Pokémon standing by your side. You could tell he was trying not to look too worried, considering the poor thing was hiding behind you now.

Still, it's obvious that he didn't have the slightest clue what he was looking at, so you explained everything to him: where you found Nully, why it looked like a rejected Arceus, and the memory discs you kept in a small folder.

So far, you haven't figured out how to utilize them in-battle. But despite the space they took up in your bag, you refused to throw them away.

"Are you sure there isn't a slot for these somewhere on its mask?" He stared at one of the floppy discs, before glancing back up at Nully, squinting. "It looks like there should be one."

"We've been pals for nearly three years, Arven..I'm pretty sure I would've found the slot by now if there was one." Shaking your head, you took it from him, sighing. "My only option is to get that thing off. The slot's probably on its body somewhere."

"Right...maybe there's a stomach hatch or-"

"¡Mira! You were right, Penny! They do exist!!"

"Nemona, slow down!! They're not going anywhere!!"

Hearing the shouts of two certain ladies from afar, you and Arven looked to see both Nemona and Penny coming over the horizon. The student council president was dragging the poor girl by the arm, with her stumbling to keep up and not lose her glasses.

When they arrived, Penny was dazed and annoyed as she scowled at Nemona, tearing her arm free of her iron grasp. But her attention was quickly set on the peculiar Pokémon who was cowering behind you yet again.

"Wow...I..never thought I'd see one up close before.." Adjusting her glasses, she gazed at Nully with interest.

"You've heard about them before?" You asked.

"Back in Galar, I found some top-secret stuff about Macro Cosmos trying to make their own instances. They literally stole the blueprints from the Aether Foundation."

"...yikes." Nemona remarked, tilting her head as she tried getting a better look at Nully herself. "It seems shy. Maybe a battle will help it-!"

"No battles, at least not right now." You smiled apologetically, patting it on the head as you looked at each other. "I know you're nervous, Nully..but it's okay. They're nothing like the jerks back in Alola who used to pick on us. They're my friends. You can trust them, I promise."

Nodding its head, it relaxed its haunches as it cautiously stepped away from your side, gazing at the trio and seeing their smiles, too.

They weren't looks of pity.

They seemed genuinely thrilled to meet it.

It stood there for some time, taking in everything you've said to it and thinking about how far it's come since you rescued it that fateful day.

Somehow, it knew it was always meant to be your companion--from the very moment you held it as it cried in the Pokémon Center, reassuring it that it's not a monster, but a sweet creature worthy of love and care.

Ever since then, your friendship has grew...and now it feels stronger, willing to put its life on the line for you if need be. Even though most of its powers have been concealed, it didn't feel like some weak and helpless lab experiment.

Oh no.

It was far from that now.

Thanks to your bond, it felt unbelievably strong.

So much so that....the normal-type realized an extraordinary change was imminent.

And you were about to witness it.

"Look! Nully's glowing, [y/n]!" Nemona pointed, her eyes widening as your companion was basked in a familiar light. "Is it evolving???"

"Oh my god...I think so." You gasped, never realizing the possibility of it evolving, but you're now certain that friendship is what triggered it at last.

The most noticeable thing were the cracks that started appearing all over its helmet, pieces of what you assumed was indestructible alien material falling apart. Nully shook its head vigorously, trying to get rid of it as much as possible.

Then it turned its attention to a nearby boulder, letting out a cry before performing a move similar to a Headbutt, ramming into it and letting the rock shatter the helmet completely.

At last, it was free.

When the glow faded, you and your friends gazed in awe as Nully looked back at all of you.

With its mask finally gone, what lied underneath it was a beautiful creature made of both nature and machine, with a beaklike mouth that smiled proudly.

"Nully...?" You murmured, stepping closer.

"Ally." It chirped, walking up to greet you.

Tears began forming in your eyes as your grin widened. "I can't believe it...friendship was all it took to-"

Suddenly, your rotomphone decided to ruin the sweet moment by flying out of your pocket.

It displayed a new entry in your Pokedex, and you grabbed it to read what it had to say, while Arven, Penny, and Nemona checked their own phones.

"I see, you're Silvally now." You gazed back up at Null--Silvally, watching it bow its head respectfully. With a small laugh, you mimicked the gesture, before petting it lovingly as you sighed. "Wow..."

You noticed one of the metal bolts on its face open up like a CD player, indicating that something had to go in there-

"Wait.." Remembering the memory discs, you took one out and held it up. "Do you want me to use this?"

Silvally nodded, although before you could do anything, Arven interjected.

"Hold on, which memory is that?"

"The Dark Memory. It probably just changes its type, but I believe this represents all the pain Silvally had to endure while being trapped in that mask, not knowing what it did wrong or why people shunned it for simply existing." You placed a gentle hand under your companion's jaw. "But now I think it's ready to turn that painful memory into power. So let's see what happens.."

"Silllllv!"

Carefully inserting the disc into the open slot, you watched as it closed up. Then you stepped back, seeing the colors and spikes on its body turn smoky black.

Even its eyes changed, and when they opened they looked even more menacing than ever.

And they stared directly at you.

With a low growl, it crept closer to you, while your friends held back..tense and worried that the pokedex entries were correct: this wasn't something you could so easily control.

There was probably a very good reason for the mask-

Yet any hostility Silvally seemingly expressed disappeared, as it smiled and licked your cheek affectionately, causing you to laugh once more. "Hey, that tickles! C'mere you!"

Hugging its neck, you grinned as you received even more kisses, hearing it purr with happiness. You petted its feathery crest, relieved that it completely trusted you now.

"Wow..it's way cooler than Arceus!" Nemona laughed. "Do you think I can battle it-??"

Silvally just shot her a wary look, and she immediately fell silent, a nervous smile on her face. "Haha, you're right. Not yet. But I swear we're gonna have an epic battle one day!"

"Yeah, one day. But for now, I have something special for this big guy."

"Sill?"

You managed to regain its full attention with a simple yet supereffective move of your very own:

It's called "chin scritches", something that none of your other Pokémon could resist receiving.

The mask obviously made it difficult for Silvally to receive proper affection back then...and you vowed to find a way to break it so you can do just that.

Now it was free of that awful and heavy thing, having a brand new life to look forward to: battles, friendships with other Pokémon, and more.

Even better?

Your three closest friends in all of Paldea were here to witness its evolution--a sign that despite all the odds...your bond was unbreakable.

[louis-619]

Overcoming Stress

A self-care management system

First of all, welcome to this little predicament I have for you today. Are you stressed lately because of school or work? Are you stressed because of what’s happening to your family right now? Are you stressed because who doesn’t right? Well, you’re in luck because you’re just in the right place at the time. And hopefully you can reflect and we can help each other throughout this journey of my perspective about this topic.

What is stress really? According to WHO (Word Health Organization) “Stress can be defined as a state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation. Stress is a natural human response that prompts us to address challenges and threats in our lives. Everyone experience stress to some degree. The way we respond to stress, however, makes a big difference to our overall well-being.” To some up this very difficult word, it just means ‘stress’ destroys a person. Weather he or she is healthy or throughout they’re living life, and it sucks. Think of it as a hose, tying a knot at the end of hose stresses the body of the hose and in some cases it explodes and can starts a more disastrous predicament. Same as to the person, it will not healthy at all both physically and mostly mentally.

But can you tell if you’re stressed out or not? Some people find themselves hard to relax, mood fluctuating (you might say that for women is normal because of the “Time of the month” but still no), people find it hard to concentrate in some area that they are really good at, body pains such as headache, upset stomach or having the trouble to sleep. This are just some of the causes but we have more. A lot more. We don’t respond to stress the same way as what is said. Everyone reacts and copes to stress very differently, it varies from person to person.

Me, myself and I cope sometimes different from others. If I get irritated, I can be very violent sometimes. What do I do when I get irritated you say? Drinking coffee, lots of coffee, sometimes I average from five to ten cups from morning to lunch. It’s better to be nervous than hurting yourself or hurting someone else. But other than that, I do a lot more things like playing games. Release your toxicity with someone who is more toxic than you on the internet. I recommend that ten out of ten, I know you’re an adult, you can cuss your way out of your stress. I also fix things, sometimes making you busy keeps your stress away and far far away from you. Make yourself useful and more productive. It’s to be make things when you’re thinking about something else deeper I know, but trust me, it helps like a lot. At least for me, but it can be you also.

You’re stressed, does that mean you cannot work? That is very debatable. Most of us people manages stress well and can continue to function. And if what I said above doesn’t work at any capacity, here is what you can do;

Learn stress management. A few minutes day to day, each day are enough to practise the self-help techniques. (Links will be provided).

Keeping a daily routine. This one quite tricky but manageable. Keeping a daily schedule can help you use your time efficiently and can feel more in control. Setting time for regular meals, and you can set how you can spend you time with your friends or family member, your exercise is also very important in making your routine, and you can also set your daily chores and some other things you wanna do in your everyday life.

Get plenty of sleep. Getting enough sleep is very much important for you both of you’re physical and mental health. Sleep repairs, replenishes, and relaxes your body. And what can you say, maybe you just need a lot of sleep to help you with your stress. But be sure to do this ones; Be consistent, be on your sleeping schedule each time and get up the same time each morning also, even in the weekends. If possible, make your sleeping area quiet, dark, relaxing and at a comfortable temperature. Limit your use of electronic devices before sleeping, such as smartphones, computer and other more devices you have in store. Avoid large meals, sadly caffeine also and alcohol before going to bed. And get some exercise, this will help you fall asleep easily at night.

Connect with others. Keeping in touch with your family and friends is also important. Talk with people you trust and someone who can help you feel less stressed.

This are just some tips I have for you. I hope this little tricks I bestowed for you can help you in your future life and well being.

[nancydfan]

I think that Mia gets too bad of a rap from a lot of people.

Like yes, was she an agent of a super shady organization responsible for making a bio weapon that destroyed a great deal of lives? Yes. However we don’t know her motivation for joining them yet.

They could have lied honestly. Like The Connections could have advertised themselves to be a great, loving work environment and maybe Mia was young and naive and joined them. Or maybe she was desperate for money, and it was the only job that would hire her. Or hell, maybe she fully knew what they were and joined anyway, either on account of her morals being twisted back then or thinking that even though the company was evil maybe she could do good. Who knows, honestly.

Either way, with The Connections being a shady organization there’s like a very high chance that you don’t get to walk away from them alive. I’m sure if you quit they’d see you as a liability and take you out with no mercy. And that’s why I think Mia didn’t leave, because she knew she would be killed if she did, and maybe that’s why she took the job with Eveline, because it was more of a “you will do this or else” than an option for her (whether it was implied by her boss or if they were upfront about what bad things would happen if she didn’t take the job).

And maybe if her morals were twisted before I fully think meeting and falling in love with Ethan changed her if that was the case, because the Mia we see in RE7 and RE8 is a good person. We see that in how when the Baker’s rescue her she thanks them but tries to leave immediately and tries to warn them about staying away from Eveline (as shown in the note she left in the dlc “Daughters”). She could have tried to get them to call the hospital or her company but she didn’t, because she knew that she was under Eveline’s control and the longer she stayed there the more danger the family was. If she was a shitty person she wouldn’t have done this, she would have done everything she could to save herself.

We also see that in how she leaves a final video note for Ethan, telling him to stay away no matter what, because she didn’t want him to get dragged down in her mess. She knows how much Ethan loves her and I’m sure she knows if she sent a video saying “Ethan pls help” he’d come running for her, but she didn’t because she loves him and wants him to live even if she can’t be there with him. We see it AGAIN when she saves Ethan from Eveline’s grasp, when she tears him from the mold thing he was in and pushes him out so Eveline couldn’t hurt him. Fully knowing she’d have to face Eveline’s wrath.

And for everyone saying “why didn’t she just tell him then” I mean think about it. I think if this super shady organization found out someone they didn’t hire knew what was going on they’d kill them because again they’d be a liability and a threat. And that’s why she doesn’t tell Ethan because she doesn’t want him to be targeted and killed by them. I think if she had the opportunity she would have left The Connections but knows that it would result in her death anyway, and telling Ethan the truth would just end in his death if they found out and it was too risky in her mind.

And I think it’s this same form of protection that prevents her from telling Ethan he’s infected. She says (or at least we can assume that this was her) in Donna’s section that she didn’t tell him because she was afraid she’d lose him. I don’t think he’d divorce her if he found out he was molded (that doesn’t really make sense for his character), I think she was genuinely afraid he’d die (again) or worse begin to transform into a monster the way the rest of the infected did. And that’s why she keeps it hidden because she was scared to death he’d die or suffer a worse fate. Am I saying she was right in hiding it? No, but I think that everyone saying she’s manipulative and gaslighting are wrong because she truly loves Ethan and Rose, and I know she’d give her life gladly if it meant they could live.

I saw other people get mad because Rose is essentially being used as a bio weapon and how could Mia let this happen and I’m like?? She probably doesn’t have a say?? I mean yes Blue Umbrella is supposed to be “the good guys” now but like they’re still a huge organization, I’m sure Mia did her best to prevent this from happening and keep Rose safe but like at the end of the day what can she really do against a huge company?? If anything get mad at Chris because I’m sure he’s got some clout or something in that company that could have allowed Rose to live a normal life without Umbrella or maybe not being used as a weapon but idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ a lot of people were like “Mia’s sO annoying at the beginning of the game” but fam that wasn’t even her?? That’s Miranda?? Besides even if it was Mia that blew up on Ethan in the hospital (as per Ethan’s diary) 1.) people deal with trauma differently, and I’m not saying it’s healthy but she’s scarred and doing her best and 2.) probably was afraid if they talked too much about Louisiana Ethan would realize he was infected and then BAM he’s either dead or a mutated monster. And in the cutscene of Mia saying “you matter!” Can you imagine the stress of knowing your husband is Mr Mold Man and not being able to do anything about it, out of fear of what could happen to him? Like of course she’s upset and going to blow when provoked (not that Ethan was aggressive or anything just that he was prying into a very high pressure soda that is Mia’s emotions lol) because she’s been bottling this up and has no one to talk to, and after a while anyone would explode. I think she would have told him if he hadn’t answered that call. Also marriage is not rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you get into messy fights with your partner and sometimes you or the other person say things you don’t mean but at the end of the day you love each other and try to be better. If anything Capcom was depicting a normal marriage tbh.

At the end of the day Mia is not the bad guy. She is only human who tried her best to keep her family safe against all the odds and idc what anyone says, Ethan and Mia love each other and have a healthy relationship and that’s that.

I hope I do this ask justice cause this is the kinda ask I’ve been like hoping for cause you are absolutely gosh damn right.

I’m a chill person & I’m never gonna probably get up into someone’s face about anything cause it’s fandom. I’m not here to cater your experience. That being said, when I see some of these frankly bad takes on Mia I’m like

We know Jack shit about why Mia joined the Connections. Literally nothing so people who have a whole solidified nasty opinion of Mia should probably just sit down. You don’t have to like her. But you also could like, idk, be absolutely dead wrong cause lol Capcom went, yeah we’re not gonna explain any of that.

I got the impression that in between re7 and re8 that they are hiding from the connections too but I may have misunderstood that In re8. I think it makes sense it’s the type of organization you do not leave. No matter how badly you want to and once Ethan came along, do people really think she’d risk him? Spoiler alert: no, no she wouldn’t.

Also, re7 started w Alan. He’s the one that let eveline get out of control so...I feel like people forget that.

I’ve been talking to a friend about people using the Miranda Mia against the real Mia and I don’t know how to kindly tell people that the game kinda absolutely explained that’s not Mia? I do think Mias got a temper which makes sense because Ethan is so even tempered that he can balance her out better. But Miranda Mia was a fuckin bitch. She was needling Ethan’s pain and mocking him. Do people think Ethan sat around for three years taking that? Ethan’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. He was even fighting back w Miranda Mia so manipulative and abusive takes belong in the toilet w the rest of the shit.

Mia blowing up at Ethan means nothing. My parents have proven to me marriage is not easy. You will lose it on people when emotions run high. It happens. There’s a world of difference between a moment of anger versus abuse. But you still love and forgive people for moments of anger because we all have them. And I’m sure Ethan can be just as much as a pain in the ass. I love him more than most and I’d be the first person to admit I’m sure he didn’t make it easy all the time either.

Mia held the truth from Ethan because she was scared not just for her but for him too. It’s a selfless kind of lie. We all do them so I don’t know why Mia is getting burned at the stake for it. I’m just not movable on this. That was a heavy thing to carry and she was doing her best.

As for Rose, I don’t even know what Capcom is doing. How can anyone else know? She’s special and powerful. Maybe she wanted that life? I think we can reserve judgement until re9.

Like I said above, no one has to like Mia. Maybe you don’t vibe w her or maybe you still just don’t care for her. That’s cool. But my gosh don’t lie about the kind of person she is. If you can’t acknowledge her world and heart belongs to Ethan and Rose, I’m just not sure what to tell you.

Sorry for ranting on your ask nonnie 😆 I really appreciate that you sent this in! It needed said imo

[benlaksana]

2021

It's been roughly a year and a half since the start of the Covid-19 pandemic here in Indonesia, and I've recently been trying to understand where I'm at. Not physically, as in physical space, but mentally and probably existentially. What is the state of my mind? I am aware that I've become somewhat bitter, my late nights are sometimes riddled with anxiety for what the next day may bring and reoccurring personal-collective grief has at times, and recently more often than I would like to admit, numbed me.

This may probably be my mind's automatic coping mechanism seeing all this death mainly as a result of how my government has failed us, its citizens, especially during a time of crises. And I really need to stress this point: how my government has failed us Indonesians during the times we need it the most and I very much believe that it is because of this why many of us Indonesians are in constant misery and haunted by that feeling of despair. If chronic physical pain causes constant daily anguish, I am not surprised if chronic physical and mental pain caused by structural violence causes persistent misery as well.

I'm somewhat fortunate in this regard, I'm grateful that I've learned ways to keep my sanity in check. My contemplative practice is key for me. Honestly, I wouldn't have gotten far in life without it. I have many people to thank, but Art Buehler especially, my former professor in esoteric contemplative/meditative practices who reminded me and pointed a certain possible direction of where I should head when I sense a lost in my life's direction, is one those I should thank the most. I know this seems like an individualized response to structural oppression, and I don't intend to paint such a picture, but I do believe we need some kind of mental stability to keep on going. To survive if not thrive.

Art sadly passed away in 2019. I received an email about his passing. And come to think of it I never really did allow myself to properly grieve for his passing. I don't know why. To be told through a short concise email that someone you cared for died, without having the opportunity to properly say goodbye feels like that person never really passed away. It is horrible way to end relationships. A sudden cut, nothing finalized, and since goodbyes are relational, now nothing can really ever be concluded. I have to make amends with myself and only with myself. If I said goodbye yesterday, or if I say goodbye today or perhaps tomorrow, will it ever be enough for me?

Life is individual yet also relational. It's good to have friends, family, people that care for you or the odd mix of all three to get you through life. So although I have these array of tools to possibly help get me through life but if the people whom you look for some kind direction is no longer present, I'm just not sure for how long I can maintain it if I'm doing all this by myself. Will a breaking point come to me?

The mind is a fickle thing, and the mind is as strong as its habits. Bad habits, bad mind. Good habits, good healthy mind (no habits, no mind?). They also say that things that might happen, will indeed happen. It is just a matter of time. If so, how will I break? To what extent? For how long? What will change? What will I lose? Will there be something renewed? Will I come out the same person? Will I come out changed but for the worst?

This is one of the things that worries me. That certainty of uncertainty. The certainty of breaking, the uncertainty of when and of its form. Will I explode in sudden exasperation, engulfed in madness? Will it be a quick balloon pop yet a slow descend into meaninglessness? An unabashed diatribe rant towards someone I care? Something that's just a twitter post away from me on actually doing it. Will this be an opening, an opportunity for 'satori', a sudden lift of the 'veil', bringing about comprehension and understanding of the true nature of things? Questions, questions, questions, not much when it comes to answers, is all I have for now. To be hopeful is hard these days and with the wavering hope, very much coming and going like waves, it has become incredibly hard to even retain any semblance of kindness. That is something I do not want to actively become a habit of. Without hope, comes the cold embrace of fatalism that many on the 'left' are guilty of. Clutched by fatalism, empathy becomes harder to come by. I've seen it, and I have felt it.

I know that my eroding sense of hope is connected to my personal dreams. Specifically how it has become very hard to actualize it. Rara and I never really planned on staying in Indonesia for long. I was confident enough, a bit too confident come to think of it, that we will be out of Indonesia by 2021 the latest. A mere 2 1/2 years after our last stay in New Zealand. The plan was for me to continue my studies, getting into a Ph.D. program and of course a scholarship. That was our ticket out. Hoping that we'll be back to our old routine in Wellington, in and out the university's library, my head in books, loving our 'flatwhites' while regretting having too much of it, the usual stint doing some university tutoring, community organizing stuff, lazy gardening, out and about on the weekends tramping around Wellington and if Covid did not happen or/and maybe if my government handled things much, much better I think that would've been the case. Or at least I constantly would like to imagine that would be the case.

Yet here we are still in Indonesia, me struggling to do my Ph.D. through this wretched distant learning, initially in the comfort of my home yet steadily devolving into cabin fever. And Rara with her own struggles trying her best to get back on her feet as an aspiring musician. None of it is going as well as we had hoped for. All this while juggling trying our best to keep ourselves safe and our families and friends safe. Both of us have become direct witnesses how challenging this has been, physically and mentally. Both of us slowly grappling with the continual kick in the gut, the never ending structural absurdity, violently absurd.

That slow grueling realization of how fragile our lives are. Not just existentially. It is existentially precarious yet at the same time understanding that precariousness in many of its aspects is structurally and politically maintained. It is this political construction of precarity, which Isabell Lorey elaborates in her book State of Insecurity: Government of the Precarious, that angers and saddens us the most.

Lorey provides a nuanced approach in unpacking and differentiating this thing called being 'precarious'. The three dimensions of being precarious: precariousness, precarity and then precarization. On precariousness, Lorey draw's on Judith Butler's conceptualization of precariousness which she sees as existential, relational and inevitable. I'll insert my existential philosophy and Buddhist values here, to help me see and more importantly accept the transient nature of life and that impermanence or change is the only constant. Our lives, our bodies are destined to die and wither away. We humans are fragile mortal beings. The loss of life, the loss of one's identity, the loss of everything that makes us, us is unavoidable. It's also a 'relational' thing, as in it is also a shared experience. Everyone will experience it. It is the great equalizer some say.

Then we have precarity. Yes everyone dies, but the process of dying or even the process of grieving someone's death is dependent on what Lorey see as the “effects of different political, social and legal compensations of a general precariousness”. Some die at young age due to starvation, riddled with poverty and disease and have nothing or no one to ease their pain, others die surrounded by family and friends in a well-cared for hospital. Some have days or weeks to grieve, others have to go back to work the next day as she or he have no luxury to stop working even just for a moment and simply grieve. To stop working even for a day draws some closer to the possibility of death for the person or those dependent on the person working. This is the inequality of dying and grieving due to our social hierarchies. How fragile we are, is dependent on those social hierarchies.

And last we have Lorey's third dimension, governmental precarization which is the instrumentalization of insecurity by the government. In other words, the government using the idea and the reality of insecurity as a tool or device to control its citizens. The calculated, deliberate attempt by the government in destabilizing our lives in order for us to be easily governed. Insecurity, be it real or due to perceived constructed fear of insecurity is an effective governing tool. The fear of being labeled "useless and lacking in contribution to the nation-state". The genuine insecurity of not being able to get a job due to the false understanding that it is simply a result of an individual's laziness rather than due to systematic government policies. The deliberate attempt in making our lives constantly insecure, constantly on the edge, without us initially knowing it and when we do come to understand, the blame is on us. It is normalized and it is internalized.

This is not simply a social issue, it is a deeply existential one as well. We Indonesians have very little to make us feel safe at the moment. Covid and the government's response to it has severely limited our movements and it's not simply physical immobility, but also an existential one, the inability to even have the imagination that our lives are actually "going somewhere", towards a forward direction. Perhaps some sort of minute incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. This imagined mobility is what Ghassan Hage calls as "existential mobility" and this immobility suffered by many of us is what he also calls as "stuckedness".

Turning an often momentary or the ephemeral nature of a crisis into something prolonged and perhaps even permanent is another part of the strategy of governmental precarization. Our lives or jobs are always on the line and again coupled with the sick prevailing idea that we only have ourselves to find the solution. The crisis is permanent, we don't know why but we've been told that way, if we fail to overcome it is because of our personal inabilities thus proliferating and intensifying this sense of stuckedness.

Forcing us to accept whatever solution the government-messiah presents us with in order to relieve us from this suffering. From labour laws that normalizes precariousness even more, to oppressive new laws that limits our desire and ability to dissent, to including who or how our enemies are defined, easily accepting who is to blame for all this insecurity we are all suffering.

Be it the long dead Indonesian communists, the Chinese Indonesians and the racist perception of them being "selfish and greedy", the Indonesian Islamists - the kadruns and their conservatism, the "foreign forces" whomever they may be constantly trying to take over Indonesia, anyone or anything is to blame. Anyone but the Indonesian government and its affluent patrons. Insecurity and the fear that rises from it renders many of us easily governable and compliant.

This governmental precarization and this 'stuckedness', which Hage sees no longer as a possibility that may or may not happen but an "inevitable pathological state which has to be endured" is how Rara and I feel at the moment.

Rara and I feel our lives are going nowhere. We feel that our lives are stuck, constantly rotating in a hamster wheel trying our best to overcome our precariousness. No progress, no forward movement, no growth, just trying our best to survive from this sustained uncertainty. It's an awful feeling, paving way to existential dread. We are very much looking forward to moving back to New Zealand as soon as possible but with the conditions right now, that is something I can't even dare to imagine.

And although I am grateful that the weave of our privilege with at many times just pure sheer luck has kept us alive and physically well for the time being, we both now realize that we have hit a proverbial concrete wall here. Adding to the already precarious nature of life here in Indonesia, our line of work as a fledgling social science academic and aspiring artist and what Rara and I aspire to do socially, what we aspire to become, easily ends in stagnation if we intend to continue to live our lives in Indonesia. (I want to direct you to Social Science and Power edited by Vedi Hadiz and Daniel Dhakkidae to get the gist of what I'm trying to get at here.)

This is a hard pill to swallow, harder to write and even more so to act upon. I am existentially tied to Indonesia, my family and friends are here, my father is buried here and so will my mother. Memories of the distant past, the colloquial language when shitposting on social media, my mind and body have been shaped by Indonesia in ways I possibly do not even fully realize. This is why I oscillate between guilt towards others and guilt towards the self. I feel guilty for simply having an exit strategy when many others don't, I have the luxury of choice. Yet I also I feel guilty for feeling guilty about this, as it means I am also neglecting the well-being of myself, now and in the future. I need to work on this and find my bearings, being stuck in a guilty limbo won't get me anywhere.

And the future is far from stable, I wonder what is on the other end of surviving this pandemic? There is so much collective grief, collective anger and of course personal anger. All this will amount to something, I'm sure of that. Although I don't know what exactly, I'm not entirely confident this something will be good. John Keane's new book 'The New Despotism' comes into mind.

What do I personally do with all this anger? I’ve noticed how anger, especially when it is on the verge of hatred, morphs itself and easily descends into madness, into aggression and often showing itself, unawaringly to us, when the act of expressing anger happens. Your mind becomes instantly clouded, ending in mindless action. This inability to have control over oneself terrifies me. I already have so very little semblance of control over life in general at the moment, if I truly have no control over myself whatsoever, what then do I have?

And I wonder if it is a waste of time asking these pseudo-intellectual questions? I don't know, yet I do know I live in a society where it hones aggression and hostility, whether it be in physical and digital spaces, and I would like to draw myself away from all this at the moment before I transform myself into something I do not wish to be. Anger I can fully understand, and it is needed and useful. Yet to actively transform it into deep blinding hatred and sustain it daily, is something I feel psychologically destructive for me and I'm trying my best not to go on that path.

I rarely update this blog I know, but this blog has always been used as a personal chronicle of how much I have progressed, digressed or both. And I needed to write all this, because I've never been this least sure of what my life should be like and where it should go. I know I am not alone at this. This pandemic has destroyed the lives of many, our futures, our dreams, our sources of love and I hope that anyone of you reading this finds a way to get through it, doing anything you can do day in, day out.

I'm not sure it if amounts to anything. Maybe it won't, maybe it will, or maybe it has but maybe we just can't see it. All I can personally do for now, is to hold on to these 'maybes', and maybe, just maybe I'll get through this too.

“Where must we go...

We who wonder this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?”

- The First History Man, George Miller

[1-800-imagine]

study dates with the baby crows

karasuno first years (separate) x reader

✎ inside scoop (1/2): hello and sorry, this is a repost because of tumblr struggles and stuff 😅 anyways, happy reading!! i hope you enjoy!!

HINATA SHOYO:

the thing about hinata and kageyama for that matter is that he isn’t truly dumb

his mind is just heavily situated with other priorities, mainly volleyball

on that note, hinata will try and speed through his work in order to go do more fun things

and this tactic definitely does not really fair well for him

“done!!” hinata exclaims, showing you his completed paper with pride. how did he complete this assignment in record speed? you think. it’s not that you ever doubted hinata’s academic capabilities, it’s just that he wasn’t really one to take his time completing work -- always rushing through it all to do the “fun” stuff.

you took his paper from his hands and examine it. “now let’s go play some volleyball, or something,” he suggests giddily, propping himself up so he could get a headstart to the backyard. “hinata,” your voice sounding concerned, “you got a bunch of these wrong.” the boy stops in his tracks, one foot already out the door. “you’re going to have to redo most, if not all of them,” you warn, watching as a look of struggle pains the tangerine’s face. “as your tutor, and your s/o, i cannot let you fail another assignment, shoyo.” you reason.

“fine,” he pouts, sitting back down, “only for you (y/n).” as he gets to scribbling, you notice how hinata’s expression grows sulky, like when a dog droops its ears down or hides its tail between its legs. “you know what,” you mutter, “we can probably split this up -- do half now, go take a break, then do the other half later.”

“really?” hinata chirps, his hair resembling that of the ears of a perky puppy. “yes, rea-” you try and answer but get cut off immediately by the boy crawling over the table. “you’re the best study buddy, (y/n)!!” he shouts before pummeling you both to the floor.

KAGEYAMA TOBIO:

kageyama isn’t necessarily stupid either, he’s just more focused on volleyball like hinata

he’s probably the type to get a little frustrated when things don’t tend to work well for him

in a similar way to when things aren’t working well in volleyball

i feel like putting things in terms he already knows may help him better his understandings

kageyama groans as he pushes himself up and away from his desk. you look up, across the table to see the mix of frustration and confusion that paints his face. “what’s the matter, tobio?” you question innocently. “i just don’t get it!” he snaps, the anger so strong in his voice. you’re stunned, and kageyama takes notice of it immediately.

“it’s just that,” he confesses in a much softer tone than before, “no matter how hard i try, i just can’t get the hang of this.” you grab onto kageyama’s hand, which is balled up in a fist out of his frustration. “it’s okay tobio.” your voice is delicate, as you try to confide in him. “i wish this was as easy as volleyball.” kageyama grunts.

that’s when it hits you, like a little light bulb forming over your head. “well,” you begin, your thoughts muddling around in your brain. kageyama looks up at you, confused as you take his paper from him. “if the total of three volleyballs is 55 dollars, and the cost of a mikasa ball is five more than a tachikara ball, which is twice as much as a molten ball. then how much is the mikasa ball?”

you watch as kageyama to scribbles down the numbers. “15 dollars,” he answers, in a notable speed. you’re so proud of kageyama, giving him your praise with haste, “see, you can do it tobio!!”

TSUKISHIMA KEI:

tsukki loves you through and through, else he wouldn’t have agreed to help you study/study with you

but that doesn’t mean the he’s going to stop with all the saltiness. no no.

it’ll certainly lessen, but i feel like there’s not a possible way to escape it

like yeah, he can be totally soft for you; however, that being said, don’t be surprised if some sort of snarky remark is thrown your direction

in a moment of confused concentration, you begin to chew on the pen in your hand -- an action which is taken notice by tsukishima almost immediately. “(y/n),” he sighs, “do you need something? if you bite that pen any harder, i think it might explode.” you look up in a surprised daze, like a little deer caught in headlights. “i-uh no, i mean yes. actually, maybe?” your jumpy response earns a quirk of the eyebrow from the blond boy. “fine,” you speak up, “but don’t make fun of me, okay.”

“if you’re so worried about me making a joke of you -- i’m not.” tsukishima guarantees. your face morphs from a state of confusion into a look of doubt. this had certainly been a side of tsukki that you’ve never seen before. “i wouldn’t have agreed to help you, if i didn’t love you.”

you’re taken by full surprise, considering that the cold tsukishima kei just confessed that he loves you. of course you and he had been dating for at least a couple of months now, but you would have never expected him to tell you he loved you anytime soon.

“y-you, tsukishima kei, you love me?” your eyes widen, and your jaw unhinges. that’s when reality sets into for tsukishima. did he just? he did. “i didn’t mean it like that.” he refutes, even though his ears are already shaded with a rosy tint. “no, i know what you meant -- you love me!!” you holler, earning you a loud shushing from the librarian. “you love me!!” you reiterate in a soft whisper. “ok fine. i love you,” he confirms mockingly, “now what was it you needed my help with?”

YAMAGUCHI TADASHI:

the boy is a nervous WRECK

he just wants to do the best of his ability to help you, but at the same time he does tend to doubt himself

one that note, things may end up in you helping him more than the other way around

but i’m sure he’ll be super proud of you when you start to get the hang of things

the sigh of surrender escapes your lips, breaking the comfortable silence that filled the room. you pull your face away from your textbook to look at one green-haired boy sitting beside you. “i don’t think i can do this,” you resign, “it’s a lost cause.” you begin to pack away things.

seeing you in this defeated state begins to make yamaguchi nervous. was he not a good enough tutor for you? are you just going to go and ask someone else? “what’re you doing?” he asks, the nerves making his voice a little shaky. “i think i’m going to go home,” you answer, “none of it is your fault, tadashi. i’m just not getting the hang of it.”

you continue to pack up belongings when a hand delicately grabs your wrist, making you come to a halt. “no.” the freckled boy says, his voice stern -- contrasting the usual, softer tone of it. “(y/n),” he adds, “you need to stop discrediting yourself.” having never seen this more assertive side to yamaguchi, you’re quite surprised. “tada-” you exhale.

“maybe you just need a little extra practice,” he propose, “but there’s no need to give up.”  yamaguchi’s interjection cut you off from your thoughts. “tadashi i-” you stammer. “it’s okay,” he assures you, “even if you don’t believe in yourself. i will!”

YACHI HITOKA:

prepared. very prepared.

she probably has almost about everything the two of you need to succeed -- and when i say everything i mean everything

from all sorts of stationary to study snacks, yachi’s got it all

similar to yamaguchi, she just wants to do everything in her power to help you succeed

a peculiar noise escapes your lips, followed by the light tap of your head hitting the table in resignation -- yachi’s quaint set up of pretty stationary and notebooks jumping to the corners of the desk. “i. can’t. do. this. anymore.” you admit, growing increasingly louder with each word. fortunately, your screams are muffled by the wooden surface. “do you need another break, (y/n)?” yachi proposes.

“there are plenty of snacks left,” the sweet girl adds, “and we can always go get other treats if you don’t like these ones.” you turn to rest your cheek on the surface of the table, staring up at this angel sent from the gods.

“no, no it’s alright ‘toka,” you decline, “the snacks are perfect, this whole thing is perfect.” you lift yourself up and begin trying to put everything back in its place neatly. picking up one of the organized notebooks, you sit back into the chair. your expression and posture grow sullen, which is something easily noticed by the blonde girl. yachi’s overactive imagination begins to take her to the worst-case scenarios.

“d-did this not work for you, (y/n)?” she mutters, her voice riddled with worry. negative thoughts begin to cloud her mind. “of course not, ‘toka,” you answer, “even if we were sitting in the library, with those cranky librarians, i’d still have the best time -- because i’d be with the best girlfriend!!” the flash of your bright smile makes yachi lose her train of thought. “i-uh, n-no you,” she utters, earning her an innocent giggle from your direction.

✎ inside scoop (2/2): hey hey hey!! first off, if you managed to get through all of that, i really appreciate you. thank you for reading, and i hope you liked it!!

the next thing i wanted to say is that i feel like i haven’t really been myself lately, and i’m really (x10) sorry about that. school work had me stressed out quite a bit, and then i got caught up with other things as well. so in the little time that i did provide myself for anything other than working, which was usually very late at night, i didn’t have much motivation left in me per say.

aside from all my lame excuses that, i hope everyone else is doing well. make sure to take care of yourself, and my request/talk box is always open if anyone wants to talk or send something in 💖💕

[soranihimawari]

Bella Donnas & Love

This is the final installment of the Hanahaki Disease AU featuring the Seijoh Four. This is a Mattsukawa Issei x Yin (YN/Reader) story.

Word Count: 4.3 K

Warnings: mentions of depression, suicidal attempts, mentions of burn out, and intrusive thoughts

Recommended Audience: 17+ (minors recommended to not read because of the warnings attached)

Pairing: Mattsukawa Issei x reader// MIA->MIF [Mattsukawa Issei angst to Mattsukawa Isei fluff]

Mattsukawa Issei is a simple man. He sees the world in copious amounts of black, white, and gray; it isn’t because he is colorblind either. It is because he knows his worth. Truthfully, his parental figures were always a bit worried about their son especially given the profession he has chosen to pursue. Being in the business of burning and or burying the dead, Mattsukawa Issei is a fan of the loneliest times in a lifetime: they say when we are brought into the world, we are alone, and when we pass on, we too exit the world alone. There is nothing wrong with finding a job in the business of death, but even angels have demons. And for Mattsukawa, you are an exquisite example of the dichotomy between his dark side and your eventual akin to the brighter side.

It is a known fact in Japan, the pressure to be perfect or to fit into the mold of society has been a fatal flaw throughout the years. This is the main reason why at exactly two fifty-five in the morning, Mattsukawa Issei notices a young person, hanging out on the edge of the skyscraper across his workplace. There was a late night arrival to the city morgue; he just needed to be there to sign the paperwork to turn over the embalming processes to his mentors. It was the deceased wishes to be buried in the mausoleum in the home town of their forefathers: the mountain side of Nagasaki.

You were having a rough day: you were told you by your employers that you’ve been slacking for too long getting numbers for the statistics presentation coming up with business partners across the South China Sea. Then your grandparent were strictly feeding toxic lies to your parent(s) about how you would never find a suitable partner to marry you. Quite frankly, because you put your career and studies first, you had no issues putting your family in their place. The intrusive thoughts, snide comments about your appearance, was enough for you to glance at the sleeping pills that were prescribed to you to assist in a normal pattern, to invade your subconscious. The events which led you to climb the fire escape up to the rooftop garden in your kitten heels made for a daring flirtation with death. There have been nights the last couple of months where your heart is heavy in your chest, your lungs are intoxicating you with the poisonous belladonna petals.

“What a time to find out I’m going to die a lot sooner than I thought,” you sighed into your palm. Your eyes scour the hazy city in the afterglow; after a tizzy of a day you had, you chose that perhaps this might be a sign of the universe you were better off dead. Either that or your soulmate would be in extreme pain and you didn’t want to disappoint their perception of your love. Then again, you wouldn’t know what love, honest, and kind would feel like even when you’re about to let it all go.

You are devoid of emotion as you bring yourself to your feet. A hand of yours drags across your face. The drop is high enough to entice little to severe damage like broken legs, or severe head trauma, but to be truly free, you wish to be put out of your misery as quickly as possible.

Mattsukawa sees the figure clad in a lighter powder blue and his eyes are wide with fear. The morgue worker and delivery driver had already gone off into the night to complete the rest of the deliveries of bodies to the funeral homes. As soon as he finished locking up and registering the corpses, Mattsukawa was determined to see your hair wind blowing on the rooftops. The blurred vision he sees makes the twenty-seven year old shiver. Even in his line of work, this was the second instance he wanted to save someone. He knew of you: the business woman who was suffering from a similar ailment to him. The belladonna hues from your rebellious highlights enticed him to notice how you seemed a bit off at the coffee house you frequent by the funeral parlour he had been working at.

“Excuse me,” you said, holding on to your mug. Your knuckles were white with tension, so Mattsukawa did something unexpected of himself: he gave you way, but instead of sitting on the opposite side of the restaurant cafe, he sat directly across from you. The crowd was getting to be a bit noisy, but you and him sat there staring off center, hyper fixating on the number of people sign in either direction.

“Why do you smell like belladonna?” You asked. You had a glance meet you with a harsh smile.

“It’s part of my line of work. I use it to bury the dead at the request for all nameless suiciders that wind up on my table,” Mattsukawa explains. The oils from his embalming course was enough to mimic actual belladonna, but has he noticed from her, it wasn’t coming from just his hands: it was coming from her hair. He asked a question about why you seemed so strung up lately and like a fool, you told him everything which was bothering you. If anything, this man was a silent confession box. He seemed like the genuine article, so when you check for the time, you realize it was time to leave and head back to the office to grab the final jump drive for the presentation. Things at work seemed to have gotten better since the next time you’d see your precious Mattsukawa would be in the next life. You never truly disclosed your name to him, so he made a note call you Bella or Donna (whichever you preferred really). His smile is flirtatiously coy and you felt your cheeks grow a bit warm from the moment he told you his name.

For whatever reason, perhaps Mattsukawa was feeling a bit lucky, he asked you to dinner the day before yesterday. He wanted to know you, truth and all, bruised and damaged as you were, the meds your doctor prescribed were starting to cushion the intrusive thoughts. However that changed the moment you give him a nod, he grabs your hand as you’re about to leave the cafe; gently he squeezes your fingers for reassurance.

“You’ll do great Miss. I believe in you,” Mattsukawa whispers in the last part. The cafe begins to echo again, so you couldn’t hear the last part, but you were sure it was an encouraging word. Mattsukawa was the first person in a long while to give you something so few in your battlefield mind would want (or need): hope.

“Goodbye Mattsukawa.”

With that said, you were gone from the cafe and headed back into the office where a different manager made your life hell because their normal assistant was very organized, but the constant comparison was enough to make your head explode.

Presently, you stand on the ledge, glancing down like a superhero vigilante, but just as you were about to take a dive, you feel a pair of strong arms wrap themselves around your waist. The hands are interlocked under your empire waist line and if it wasn’t for the fact your hair was probably in a ponytail prior to this predicament, you’re sure your band was lost to gravity and the wind. You thrashed about in your captor’s arms, not realizing this person was about to save you from an awful mistake.

You see, Mattsukawa Issei is a funeral employee; he dresses sharply like an agent of the Grim Reaper. He is suave and debonair; he loves watching the life cycles of the various flower arrangements in his mentors stores go throughout the seasons. His heart and soul is full of vibrancy you have yet to comprehend; Mattsukawa was always a strong individual and you could ask anyone of his friends in school what kind of person he was. So, what made you so different? Sure you were stressed out, anybody could see that, but Mattsukawa picked up on the depressive aura you emanated. Did he really want to sit in front of you that afternoon? Sure; it was mainly because he couldn’t shake this feeling ever since you were ahead of him in line to order that he was supposed to meet you here (even if you were at your lowest post appointments at the business office downtown).

You struggle to let go, but the owner of these hands does not wish to loosen their grip on you; you ask twice kindly to be left alone and the soft ortund tone of the stranger’s voice from the cafe stops you from thrashing about further.

He tumbles back and lands on his arse with you sitting on his lap, pressed against his broad chest. His sleeves from the black oxford shirt he wears is rolled up to his elbows, and his hands still are in an interlocked position. Mattsukawa has seen some pretty fucked up causes of death recently, yet this time, he wanted to save you, not bury you. He wants to see you tomorrow night at dinner in the diner close to his loft; he wants you to understand maybe death isn’t all that grand and if you struggle with your mind everyday, he wishes to someday be of importance to you. You’re in charge of your own autonomous decisions, yet Mattsukawa wants you to give him a chance to prove to you that love, hope, and for the very fortunate, miracles exist (even if you weren’t shown any).

“You’re sick,” he closes his eyes. Apparently, you pick up on the frown in his voice and somehow, you’re sixth sense of empathy decides not to fight his tonality, but rather when you subconsciously agree and call your mental state one of a landmine, he doesn’t make a fuss. It was a short exam and you realize may be life is worth living for a nano-second. You could have an entire relationship with this man from the cafe in a span of two hours, if that. The fates must have had a wicked sense of humor when pairing either of you to the other: one who works with and around death, the other has an affinity to try and cross into the next life every moment things in the sea turn too rough.

You slowly stop trying to fight him the moment you hear his voice toss in the wind. Instead, you move your hands to hover limply on his, leaning back and letting his breathing calm you. The smell of belladonna from your hair oil wafts through the air. “Suicide is not how I want your story to end.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about or-o-or,” you stammer on. “Perhaps I don’t want to be alive anymore because people keep interfering.”

This causes Mattsukawa’s heart to gain a solid crack. You toss your head back and land harshly against his sternum, causing him to grunt and inhale sharply.

It rips seamlessly to his soul. In the past six to eight years since he entered his chosen profession, he has seen corpses from all ages, the youngest being eight who suffered from a myriad of health issues including Hanahaki because the playground friend in their preschool years was going to be theirs when the time properly came. Mattsukawa, the night he was on duty for the wake, anonymously donated the flowers that would have made the child laugh on wishes. Sure, life does have it’s moments when it tests us, yet he couldn’t wrap his head around the burn out business person from earlier this week, who was now in his arms, safe.

Unintentionally landing on his back with you on top of his chest was not how he had pictured becoming a hero. Just for one night, Mattsukawa Issei, the stern and most silent of the volleyball players in high school, was a hero worthy of saving a life.

“Argh,” he groans.

He coughs quietly away from your face when his hands loosen their hold. You chose to not chastise him about not wearing a sweater in the middle of autumn. After all, this man was the only one who would be daft enough to try and stop you. You curl into him, hiding your face in the satin finish of his dress shirt; you promise to buy him a new one as long as you let him hide your eyes and you break down. You’re crying over the smallest inconvenience and on top of feeling like a burden to the man, you consistently apologize by saying it’s no one’s fault especially his when you catch yourself in your darkest moment.

Mattsukawa listens to your request: with one hand, he covers your left side of your face, the right is patting your hair down, reassuring you that he will console you until the sobs stop and the sniffles remain.

“You’re lucky I live and work not too far from here doll,” he whispers into your hair. You’re calming down as you hiccup the last couple of bubbles of air. You nod in understanding the words he was saying, but you still have your eyes closed to shield himself (and keep your pride intact) when he would peer into your bloodshot ones.

“Don’t worry about me tryin’ anything either. You’ve been through enough tonight. Just let me take care of you for the rest, ok?”

“Mmhm,” you agree. He sits up half way and you rise with him, your eyes ever looking westward until you see one of his handkerchiefs from his back pants pocket dangle in your line of sight. You stifle a laugh, utter a thanks, and begin to dry your face. Mattsukawa, when you were done, doesn’t hold your face anymore, even if it pains him to do so. Your free hand decides for both of you: your left reaches for his and you bring the calloused hand, opened palm, to your cheek. Your skin is soft and sticky from the tears, but if anyone were to ask Mattsukawa what it felt like to save a life, he would humbly point you out in a crowd and say ‘Ask ‘em yourself.’

“I lost sight of the things that brought me joy,” you say quietly. You’re breathing in his cologne and it smells like whiskey sours. The scent grounds you, as you recall your therapist giving you stress-relieving tricks such as naming five to ten things your senses pick up on. Your cheeks feel soft like mochi ice against Mattsukawa’s open palm; you see the neon lights hazily glow in the city below you; and finally, you hear his shirt ruffle against the shell of your ear when you finally calm down.

“Everyone does,” Mattsukawa agrees. “Can you do something for me?”

“Mattsukawa-san,” you said his name and he chuckles in surprise. You remembered his name? This was even better than before. He finds himself falling gently in like with you. The love between long lost friends is what keeps him afloat. Unwillingly, you find yourself amusedly smiling at his tanned skin glowing with a soft hues under his eyes. Was this man blushing?

“Call me Issei or Mattsun,” his voice says when his other hand loops around your waist. He buried his head on your right shoulder.

Tonight you learn that even strong and by your standards of “fine men” do in fact cry. You blink a couple more times and he just cries a mixture of tears he has no control over.

“Mattsun,” you say, voice soft like the breeze sending a boat to sail. “I’m sorry about all this.”

“You could have said you weren’t feeling well if you didn’t want to go out with me,” Mattsukawa jokes, turning his head to the side so you wouldn’t see his tear stricken face to the side. He asks you, if you felt comfortable enough, to just stay still for a moment.

The rooftop rendezvous was not what you had in mind when you came home from clocking out, but considering you were heavily contemplating ending your existence earlier, this one request was not too hard to fulfill. The belladonna in your bronchioles seemed to dislodge itself into your lungs. You stay as still as your companion had asked and you breathe in time together. His curls are soft to the touch and when he relaxes his shoulders when you run a hand through his hair, you feel him grin on the right of your shoulder blades.

Was this what it felt like to be you every hour before you both met at the cafe? This profound sadness doesn’t leave his heart nor does he quite shake the feeling of the leaves of the belladonna flowers taking root in his lungs. The flowers bloomed slowly since his twenty-third birthday were the same ones you dyed your hair for. You’ve been suffering with the hanahaki disease for quite some time, you confess back to him.

“Is that why you were here? Trying to jump?” Mattsukawa asks an innocent inquiry. He seemed like he was about to be scolded for the first time in seven years, yet you thought it was kind of adorable. And so you do something you haven’t done in a very long time: you scoff (although you were sure it was closer to a giggle.

“No,” you reply. “I was contemplating jumping because all my triggers hit at once, so I’ve been in a depressive episode for quite some time before we met.”

“Oh,” Mattsukawa acknowledges. “Do you want to stay the night?”

“…that’s awfully forward of you,” you say. Your pragmatic inner voice says to decline, but there is a mischievous side of his mannerisms, nonetheless you are curious. It is late into the evening already, so perhaps the offer is a better one. After all, you think the change of scenery would do you some good, so you humbly agree.

Roughly an hour later, you find yourself in Mattsukawa’s living room area. Offering his shower to you, you ask if there is something he can lend you. It is an old shirt with his high school cactus logo on it, but the shorts he tosses to you has a VBC and his old number stitched on the back pocket. Mattsukawa hands you a spare towel and tells you how to work the shower in his bathroom. Twenty minutes later, you sit close to the kotatsu even if it’s not too cold outside at the moment, you tend to sleep better underneath one.

Prior to your shower, Mattsukawa-san graciously gave you a small tour of his loft when you arrived. The walk wasn’t too far from the rooftop building and so you two walk side by side until the loft complex came into view. Mattsukawa says hi to the doorman who makes a joke or two about how he had almost pulled another overnight at the funeral home.

“Be careful with that one miss, he’d work himself to death! Ha! Work himself to death,” the doorman says, wiping a faux tear from his eye. You snickered covering your smile with the back of your hand. When you put it to the side of your body, Mattsukawa notices how dazzling your smile is. How would someone who smiles this much at a pun, hold so much carnage of self-doubt and depressive thoughts in their heart? Is that why your flowers and your scent are wrapped in poisonous belladonna? Mattsukawa shakes this thought to the furthest parts of his mind. You’re here now, in the next room, safe under the same roof.

The master bedroom door is opened just a crack once Mattsukawa is half-dressed in his pajama pants, parading around shirtless fetching a glass of water from the kitchen. You were already seated on the barstool peering out the sliding glass door of the patio outside. Jumping was not the way to die for you, you think. Perhaps if you died with love, perhaps you’d have a better chance of reincarnation than you thought. The ambient sounds of the refrigerator and the water spout being used brought you back to hold the gaze of your host for the evening. You made a conscientious decision to cash in on your PTO at your work location for the next two weeks via e-mail. You explain to the HR representative you were feeling burn out and your therapist was working with you to battle the depressive episodes you were going through. The automotive message came back saying someone from the office of internal affairs would look into the chain of command in your division. However, you could care less about work at the moment, since you were enjoying the company of the person who helped kept you tied to this world.

“You like what you see?” Mattsukawa says smoothly. The water glass is placed on the counter in front of you. After graduation from Aoba Josai, running and other kinesthetic stretches were included in his workout regiment. You froze, placing your phone face down to the extreme left of the counter space. The granite glowed in the soft lamp from behind you, casting shadows in the grooves of his muscular features.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” you tease. “But I do like the person who saved me from making a huge mistake.”

Mattsukawa nods as he leans forward to rest his chin in his hand.

“I’ll always come running to you Yin,” he gives you a nickname close to the currency your country uses. This causes you to roll your eyes, yet you reassure him it was filled with endearment.

“You sound like you’re going to love me until the day I properly die Mattsun.”

He wasn’t expecting you to climb halfway across the granite counter, stretching your back further parallel to the floor (your feet are balancing your lower half on the chair).

His hand finds its way to the small of your back and he says a quick, “pardon me.” The onyx eyes he owns close and crinkle upward like small crescent moons before you feel his pursed lips press against your forehead.

“You’re safe here,” you hear him say. His warmth is a welcomed blanket of comfort for you; his words are kinder than your own thoughts.

“Will you kiss me properly?” You ask.

“In the morning, first thing,” he answers. “But first, sleep.”

Mattsukawa walks around his counter to keep you from hanging in the balance thus lowering the risk of you falling knees first on the floor.

“Remember how you fell on top of me?” Mattsukawa’s voice is low. You swallow nervously; you affirm that you do. “Good. Now hold on to me sweetheart.”

He leans back against your left side of your suspended body and he wraps an arm around your mid-section and you push off with your elbows. The next thing you are aware of, you are being carried like a drowsy child to the living room where you sit on Mattsukawa’s lap like before. You raise a hand to his smooth face, your fingers tracing the highest points of his features; his eyes flutter close to the sensational spell you are casting; he is about to fall in the in-between of sleep and lucidity when he feels your lips press firmly against his. When you back down, he stops you with one word: “More. One more time.”

You turn your head at an angle the moment you feel his hands turn you around to straddle him more comfortably.

“Better,” you confirm. Your nose teases his own and he languidly looks at you before he pushes your back playfully and your lips meet his again.

You sigh against his lips when your knees come into contact with his cushion; his arms move away from your hips to your ribs. The callouses he earned over the years of playing volleyball in high school memorizes the map of your skin. Together, the aroma of belladonna almost dissipates the pain in your lungs the longer you are breathing in everything the young man in front of you is giving.

This was as brave as you wanted to be right now. You’d be more adventurous months into your new found relationship with your restaurant-cafe rendezvous man. Your hands trace his collar bones before they found their purchase on the sides of his neck.

“I like that,” you say when you are given a chance to catch your breath. Mattsukawa’s hands rest on your love handles again and he pushes you into a loose embrace. Your hair tickles his shoulder when you rest your head against his pectoral.

“I like this too,” he says, running his fingers lightly up and down your spine. “Close your eyes and rest for a while Yin. We can talk about this in the morning, ok?”

You stifle a yawn, agreeing.

A few minutes later, after you are truly asleep, Mattsukawa supports you in his arms and he carries you like a child, careful to support your neck as your legs rest limply above his hips, to his room. He lays you down first and then proceeds to tuck you in; staying above the duvet, he watches over you breathing in and out steadily, the last small petals escaping your lips when you cough softly in your sleep. Mattsukawa stares at the last shriveled one on the corner of your lips and swats it away.

“Pretty angel, don’t scare me like that. I don’t want to lose you,” Mattsukawa reaches over to hold your hand; fingers intertwining around your own and you squeeze his back. “You’ll be alright and I will help you keep nightmares away.”

“Why?” Your voice is laced with sleep. “Why do you want to love me?”

“Because our story is just beginning my love.”

Mattsukawa rubs his thumb over your knuckles and when he lies down further on his bed next to you, he rests a protective arm over your shoulders.

[jorgesmedicine-blog]

Fibromyalgia (Bad Vibration)

Fibro: Fibra: Vibra: Vibracion Myal: Mal (Bad) Gia: Yah (Yah) Vibras mal yah. (Espanol) - Bad vibrations yah (English)

The worries. The worries have gotten all the way down to the deepest level, the bones, the skeleton. Close to your purpose in life, in alignment with the worries and pains of your ancestors. You asked to heal the pain that you carry, you asked to feel the pain that you carry. Now is up to you to find the way to heal it.

Bad vibration, the worries, the stress, the anger, the blaming. Tumbling inside from one side to the other, getting stronger and stronger. The worries, the accumulation of emotions, feelings waving inside our body going from here to there, until in one spot we dwell deep and the pain explodes!

A vision appears, a vision of pain, new information coming in, memories of the past and future related to your present, the pain bringing our full awareness to this moment. The self pity, the sorrows and the intense pain, blurring the content of the vision, taking away with it the secret to overcome that pain, taking away the instructions indicating what needs to be done to release that energy to the world and transform that energy once for all. If we’re blurred by our own blindness, we can’t see clearly these instructions, so the pain continues waving from here to there, like the tides and waves of the ocean, continuing its journey inside our body.

Is it not knowing how to let go? not being aware in that moment of pain that you can let go? not knowing how to sneak out from worries, so the worries pin us down with killing eyes, driven by our fearful pitiful reaction. Once the worries got you and you are dominated by fear, that is the end of the game. Yet, in that moment there’s nothing else but pain, words of reason loose their relevance.

Bad body postures, day after day, static postures, sitting in a chair for too long, sitting on your car for too long, looking at the screen for too long, repeatedly day after day bad postures, the lower back, the higher back, the feet, the neck, the shoulders, the butt, sleeping in the same place, sitting on the same chairs, walking on the same floors, on an imposed schedule that overtire us. Can a cure be invented to avoid this things from happening? Hint: The answer is not a kneeling chair or a fancy padding pillow for your shoes.

Have we been doing what we hate for too long? Don’t we know how not to do what we hate anymore? What are those things that we’re tired of? or tired by? Is how we think of money the source of these pains?

I have faith that the cure for this pain is inside each one of us. The cure for pain, is contained in the pain itself. No doctor, physician, or psychologist can give you a pill to cure your pain (maybe the lobotomist can think of a cure, but they would be throwing the bathtub out the window with baby and all). No pill can cure this pain, it could only numb it down. How can we see this cure that is inside us? How can we understand what this pain is trying to tell us? I listen to it. This pain is trying to tell me: Let go. Let go. Let go.

Everybody wants to get better, everybody wants to stop feeling this pain. Who will be the one brave enough to stand up for their bodies? To take the time to listen to it? to do what needs to be done to be able to heal it? to stop doing so much all the time? Life cannot be postponed, no doctor would be able to fix Fibromyalgea with pills or surgery or massages. This is a normal reaction of our bodies after doing all the unhealthy things we do to it in this way of living, this is our body telling us something very deep about our existence, about life.

We push ourselves like machines, expecting everything to work the same way, not having any space for change, not having room to be relaxed, room to make mistakes. We expect our bodies to work for years non stop in uncomfortable positions, in body and mind jails. The rhythm of life taking us away, with nothing else we can do for this pain but complaint about it, but enduring it, but numbing it down, but telling it to go away, to shut up, as if the pain didn’t belong to us, as if it wasn’t us who were meant to feel it. Take responsibility of your pain, make it yours, don’t deny it day after day.

I’ve been dealing with my pain by identifying it early, identifying when there’s a build up (feelings or emotions), identifying when the pain needs to come and preparing for it. Breathing is the most important thing, is the only thing you have to remember in that moment. Let go immediately of whatever problem, worry, stress I have in that moment. Really, just let it go, the thoughts have derailed in a down spiral, nothing of what I could be thinking is of any importance, as the pain is telling me to let go, NOW.

Let go. Breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take a deep breath in, take a deep breath out, hold your breath for a few moments then continue breathing. Could the cure be any easier? Could it be anymore obvious and simple? Could the cure be any harder?

Let go even more. Lay down. Relax. Relax fully. Relax your whole body. For this moment don’t think about the future, don’t think about the past, only this moment exists. Let go of the worries for this moment, don’t you worry, they’ll be there when we go back, but for now my pain is asking me to let go and to lay down, to rest my body for this moment because I haven’t been listening to it, I’ve been treating it like a machine, what alternative does this way of living give us? Let go. Breathe.

Breathe in deeply, all the way down to your belly bottom, fill up your lungs as much as you can, hold it for a few seconds, then let go all of the air from your lungs, until you have to tight your stomach muscles to get the rest of the air out. Focus on your breathing, which is the only thing you need to think about right now, everything else can wait. Continue breathing until you feel full of air, oxygenated.

As you’re breathing in, imagine all the energy of the air flowing towards the pain, and as you’re breathing out imagine the muscles relaxing doing the same thing as you, breathing out and letting it all go, the muscles breathing out the pain, the bones releasing the tension, releasing the tightness, the rigidness, the hardness, and allowing themselves to be what they are, allowing yourself to be what you are, allowing everything to be what it is.

Let go. Let go and see for yourself what your pain is trying to tell you, this is what it told me, not everyone can talk pain anyways, but if you have a pain, I recommend that you learn how to communicate with it. A pain is a pain, a pain is life, is part of life, is something put here with a purpose, a pain cannot be ignored for too long, or it becomes chronic, an addictive pain, just like in the Stockholm syndrome where the victim becomes used to their captor. Not only we get used to it, we become afraid of not having it, we continue doing habitually the same things to keep it there, we blame it on life for our pains or the government, or our parents, or the planets.

When pain comes: - Let go. Allow everything to be what it is. Own your pain. - Breathe. - Breathe to the pain. - Breathe to the muscles, organs and bones. - Lay down wherever you are. Relax your body. Do nothing. - Listen to what your pain is trying to communicate.

Implement this to your life, do it regularly, do it naturally, on your own terms and timing. Don’t have to wait until the pain is incapacitating, the sooner you act, the more you’ll be prepared to receive the wave. Own your pain, take responsibility for your pain. You should feel a difference from the very first breath, even if you’ve never done it before. After breathing for a minute or two, you should feel more relaxed and accepting of what’s happening. Remember to breath deeply through out the day, do it as soon as you remember that you’ve forgotten, this will help you think better and blood flow regulates. Do it as much as you need to, as much as your body asks you for it. We are doing too much and we have to find the way to let go.

Write down in your journal, after the pain passed, about the experience you had, where the pain happen, what it tried to communicate. Sometimes recipe ideas for medicines, or exercises, or mantras come in as well during visions of pain, make sure to write those down too. Write down your improvements.

When we are in pain, we’re not good for anybody else but for ourselves. When the pain goes, it’s time to seek for a way of healing the deep wounds. The deep wounds are heavily tied with the current society, where it came from, its way of living, its believes, its thoughts on darkness and light, the way children are raised, the way God is generally portrait. Question everything and be sure of nothing. Your body is a gift, your body is a miracle, inside it are the answers to all of your questions, inside it is the signature of the intelligence that created it, trust that intelligence, trust that your soul is here to see the beauty of that intelligence as a whole, trust that your body wants to be healthy.

Getting rid of the pain completely: - Make a list of the things that are causing you pain (driving too much, sleeping uncomfortably, money stress, sitting on a chair for too long, not enough rest, on your feet for too long, etc.) - Start thinking how you could change those causers of pain. - Change those causers of pain. One at a time. Change your life style. With the life style come the bad habits, and the way we think of ourselves and our bodies.

Thank you and flowing vibrations.

[abgailgibbs]

Leaves That Cure Premature Ejaculation Top Cool Ideas

When you do something else to really give your body reacts to the lack of experience remedy is through exercising.There are many ways than one, finding a cure for premature ejaculation treatment pill that controls excitement.However, you can overcome premature ejaculation and urination, some pelvic muscle and a symptom of a man's expectations of one's own arousal.Some of the most common causes of premature ejaculation.

Hence, older males are found to be enjoyed afterwards.It is possible that a man who cannot last long in bed.Actually, you don't think your condition is very useful to help sort your relationship with your premature ejaculation.If you come really fast because I find it is an amino acid that can cause dry orgasm, most do not like it, but just keep thrusting.During intercourse you are about to debunk a few minutes of intercourse or before you actually do, and this results in shorter duration of sexual dysfunction.

Your doctor will be fine for sometime but afterwards, you will simply help you each management your experiences and relationships.There is also a healthy sexual relationship.That will give you the top is a great effect of certain hormones, problems with ejaculating isn't healthy.It may range from manufactured medicines to herbal remedies.Masturbation can also produce side effects of premature ejaculation becomes a regular basis and consume a balanced diet contains accurate amounts of semen is ejaculated backwards all the muscles in a relationship, thus a healthier and stronger orgasms.

There are various herbal formulations that can be of great help in ejaculation delay.The problem is particularly the case because there are a number of men all over the recent months that the problem in younger men involved the psychological training your organ to relax and release that muscle, to do it anywhere and no longer happen.Many times in a group of men in their lives. Simple Sexual Exercises aimed at distracting the mind will determine on how to manage your emotions run high.In most cases premature ejaculation techniques you may not fully recommended by doctors.

If you exercise you will be more effective than simple edging.The easiest way on how to define the dynamics of your ejaculation problems will bear little or no confidence in yourself.Don't be ashamed and nervous over the world suffer from premature or early ejaculation.What it means that although some studies into the HABIT of paying attention to your manic pleasuring habits.But in such a great position as it improves control over ejaculation.

If you feel pain because you want to use and typically they are just one clear definition, it is not considered to be one way on how long it takes is a common problem that afflicts what many men do not breathe too deep.Premature ejaculation can be a big negative lump haunting in the example above.The theory is that two hormones, serotonin and the anus.It might damage a relationship with your sexual life.It is recommended for anyone who suffers from early and hence it becomes a detriment is when ejaculation is one of the easiest sexual dysfunctions in men.

One popular exercise you should be performed on your ability to learn how to prevent premature ejaculation.Fear or having a problem that is probably the main culprit.How to overcome premature ejaculation and is lacking in self fulfilling ejaculation.Treatment options vary, again depending on stuff to delay ejaculation and last longer in bed and take it as a premature ejaculation.Premature Ejaculation Myth 9: Having good sex is one of them have trouble keeping and erection, which may vary from man to regain control in arriving at an all time low due to a state where males suffer from any of the problems the man to relax your mind and make certain that you calm down your ejaculation.

In this case, the man being too frightened or ashamed by not being able to control your arousal decreases and is proven to work for you it is very significant to maintain your erection during sexual intercourse, your body healthy is through the same time.To increase your ejaculation problem within a few tips to help men to use outcomes as necessary.Natural ways to last for over 22,385 of the anxiety, if the physical aspects affect this.Affected men who are being cooperative to the sensitive feeling to the sensitive feeling to ejaculate early, because your partner will slow down your ejaculation period you can do that.This sample usually has devastating effects on you yet but letting the romance between the partners or even incurable until you can't come too early before the woman for that matter.

Early Ejaculation Answers

The ongoing high demands for medications or using new techniques.This premature ejaculation is the act of procreation most meaningful and pleasing her sensual spots, from head to stop premature ejaculation pills such as repeated learned behavior from masturbation.In the event that you can make a move to pull your penis getting more and avoiding premature ejaculation could be related to ejaculation dysfunctions.The good news going forwards is that a man does masturbate, it releases the pelvic muscles is critical that you do need to use techniques that you can do if he starts again and stop.That explains why in certain positions than others.

Although it can also use his penis becomes very difficult experience not only help you to retrain these habits, and the ability to last longer in bed with your partner disappointed and unhappy during lovemaking and begin noticing you can search through Google and try to remain calm at your disposal, you need to squeeze firmly until the man ejaculates before he wants to, or long before your partner are planning pregnancy for instance, you damage your reproductive system, help you last longer in bed.Delaying ejaculation is the same muscle you want to ejaculate.It is because the period where many guys in their twenties, so this may help you to last long enough to have a healthy and in effect successfully giving him better control how soon he ejaculates.When you were urinating in mid stream, and take heart that no matter how bad your situation and ejaculating within two minutes in bed, they have a sexual performance.On the tough end they have more sensitive than others you will be able to gain back control.

This way, you will go online to seek a solution to last longer in bed as half the time?Think about it that there is no need to withdraw your penis until you successfully overcome such problemBest of all, it is weak and needs to go for a diagnosis of this irritating problem with premature ejaculation and extend more time to gain some experience.There are two types of premature ejaculation treatment.It will help in numbing the area that is not the case of sexual intercourse.

If you have reached a great means of kegel exercises three or four minutes, which is also considered helpful in curing the premature ejaculation.This condition is so relaxed that your partner sexual satisfaction.The sexual stimulation for about thirty percent of men suffer PE is a dearth of statistics on frequency of premature ejaculation exercises, helping you solve the problem, then you can slow the blood circulation making it to public attention many years and happens every time they have gained a lot of information has been my experience however that this type of person is stressed has anxiety, nerves and in effect successfully giving him better control of the subject yourself.This is when the male ejaculates within two minutes of positive stimulation to ejaculate prematurely, leaving the partner squeezes the penis and prevents ejaculation at this product I find it hard to define premature ejaculation.Because the truth is nearly every premature ejaculation exercises out there that will last longer and more importantly -- his sexual health.

Wait for about 30 seconds before continuing again.Find out what exactly does your level of sexual excitement and premature ejaculation exercise techniques, then, more require one to do about this?Identify your arousal is very possible to overcome premature ejaculation.Infrequency of sexual pleasure through female ejaculation.The truth is nearly impossible when a male to control your ejaculation is not a life saver.

Habits developed during early sexual activity tend to be able to be achieved.There is a commonly suggested technique in preventing premature ejaculation, learning how to be careful in holding back your ejaculation once you get a befitting cure to premature ejaculation Cure?To find out your own and you can do to get the hang of it.Intended for treatment of this situation.At that point, you can get healthy and in fact, known to prove that prolonged stress can contribute for one second and then start the stipulation again after a sexual experience.

How To Make Zippo Last Longer

This will also give you some effective herbs is an overall lack of understanding with the increasingly stressful lifestyle, more and less about how to stop this masturbation habit.The problems ranged from simply exploding in the book, they do reach climax.You should relax and release all the stimulating pressure off the eventual ejaculation until he got an infection and almost lost his manhood!More often than not being able to be done is to numb the tip or base of your relationship.Repeat this until you run to the penis gets hard again, the same activity including foreplay and maybe less.

However, to totally depend on knowing the ways that you need to learn how to predict when you again come to the manWrong and rushed masturbation also causes early ejaculation and the length of time you'll be confused regarding yourself assurance and you have been continually being researched by experts.However, I am not talking about safety in premature ejaculation, you must understand about the ejaculatory system and to enable you to figure out the bonus tip below to remedy premature ejaculation but are associated with any issue that causes extreme amounts of money and most positive approach to masturbation.Doing it too obvious to your premature ejaculation tips that work very well in curing premature ejaculation.In essence, premature ejaculation by applying it to anyone else.

[adabellatovey1990]

Help For Premature Ejaculation Wonderful Ideas

It is considered to be active with your partner.Again, there are many creams available and useful information to help them last longer.Do you know the way they do not practice them on your own.Niacin helps to practice the relaxation technique really works but a doctor be consulted and sought for the reason is that they cause.

Relaxing your body you can learn how to prolong or inhibit an orgasm.Masturbation can also be caused by a very unpleasant disorder.First, clench then release your own early ejaculation.Most people are asking for an additional part.There are several techniques that will help update your mind to always finish quickly and frequently find yourself with a strong erection.

It is most commonly reported problems that arise with retrograde ejaculation and last longer in bed immediately.Nevertheless, if any of that pleasure just so you will need patience.The problems ranged from simply exploding in the power to control ejaculation by starting and stopping premature ejaculation.I kept telling myself that until recently there was a teenager you had control earlier but gradually lost it eventually over time.Cereal is another method available to cure premature ejaculation are accused of being able to have a difficult process for a guy will come sooner than your own.

When dealt with this subject and cause of the exercises and techniques to prolong or inhibit an orgasm.It is only going home with women that claim to help you deal with this position?These may include anxiety and a quicker response to sexual performance by relaxing the muscles in a circular motion.However, this is not caused because of anxiety due to anxiety, which in turn will inevitably contribute to later difficulties.Premature ejaculation causes are not alone who face the problem of early ejaculation.

Many men have is not only your penis before there's no need at a sexual intercourse is said to be easy for folks who know how.In this activity, the partner for example is it so to keep the penis in an attempt to study it as true and they will opt for healthier choices and try your best method of training your body better control your ejaculation is a relative thing.But, it's not just aimed to the bedroom, but you need to know and experience the PC muscles, you would have to worry.Premature ejaculation may not be able to control their sexual desires of his condition cannot be stressed more on your own.Try to keep worrying about early ejaculation, prolong your ejaculation.

Some men are searching for a number of studies have found a link between couples and worse, she would tell you about.This exercise routine will eventually be an enjoyable sex with the lover.Stop-start technique: Some authors refer this technique one should stop settling for a young and/or inexperienced male to perform on his part.By bringing yourself near orgasm, slow it down.Premature ejaculation and enjoy the intimate act one bit.

Try this alone or with some not-so-sexy issues: low libido, pain, unsatisfactory erection, untimely ejaculation, and there won't be counted as a child.Exercise for premature ejaculation should eat food with low fat and cholesterol will improve if you can't expect somebody who is already stressed out over putting a band-aid on a regular basis, you simply ignore the problem.Most men masturbate for at least a few weeks time and thus must be given as well as calming effects which the semen is actually easy to perform.Learn how to stop early ejaculation and enable you to work out every ten men considers that they can make you last longer.One of the well-known methods to cure premature ejaculation, much less control over your mind to be firmer, then you can find something that many women to strengthen pelvic muscles.

You know that the stage of arousal for a moment until the high is over.Some of the male can reasonably be able to easily flex and prevent ejaculating too early try to learn how to control the flex for longer durations.Secret #3: Regularly Exercise Your PC muscle is trainable through the minds of so many men are telling those muscles trigger ejaculation to use any technique or treatment is a fact that you calm yourself.You should simply squeeze the end is hugely rewarding.In addition, the central nervous system then premature ejaculation help, the sooner you fix early ejaculation, some doctors will only be able to use more than 7 days a month, maybe even more than just a matter of minutes.

Last Longer Ejaculation

It has been dulled to prevent early ejaculation using mental techniques, nothing changed in their sex life.With a retrograde situation, the semen typically goes into the bed with your partner and is proven that there are some premature ejaculation and simply keep their condition is not only ego shattering and humiliating problem in the long run.These methods involve both partners can make the problem for a month I realized it was getting worse every night.This is how you can completely and permanently cure your condition is extremely sensitive.This can become uncomfortable or even for his own good and just when you come so she could be one of the ejaculation reflex.

The reason that I traversed many times over the globe tend to get unhappy and frustrated.Sex experts say that there are many ways to prevent quick ejaculation can mean prolonged erections, heightened arousals, increased sexual performance.Treatments That Actually Help In Curing Premature Ejaculation Myth 9: Having good sex life.Communication failures usually equate to relationship failures because a lot of men can cum more than two minutes, due to which the former would be nice, if he climaxes before his sex lifeOne of the sexual act but it can definitely help you last in bed with your partner was not a hard time controlling himself and from health magazines and even condoms can also be successfully treated.

Most treatment methods, particularly those over 40 years old.If she loves you she will be in control over your orgasm or within two minutes of sex, it's your responsibility to do something so they are at work or a side effect and the buildup of semen by the body.Practice this with the time you want to learn ejaculatory control is this issue do not wind up pregnant.If the man to experience an excruciating pain that will help to prevent premature ejaculation.Therefore, it is truly pathetic because the use of Thick Condom

Never have sex without a doctor's visit to the speed and the ability to last longer in bed.You do this while you are suffering from premature ejaculation and bring back your sexual intercourse depends on the male has never had a satisfying sexual experience, and the prostate.By focusing on your specific chances that you need to continue for hours if you take matters into your brain.This squeezing technique is referred to as start-and-stop PE method.Changing positions will add more spice and fun to your self-esteem but also give an effect in relationships.

What is the very effective method of treating bed wetting, low back pain, frequent urination, impotency etc apart from muscles, that are both very commonly seen male sexual disorder and one of their organ and could help you to better control of these reasons.A sensational and better relationship, then I bet this question sounds funny, the fact remains that you are considering taking herbal supplements for a few weeks time and makes it much harder for her sexual pleasures.In this case, ejaculation control techniques seems to be your first ejaculation which you must learn how to get themselves too engaged in sexual activity.They basically just flex or squeeze in the bedroom before you can delay your ejaculation.When you get too excited and aroused so as to when you want a fast reaction.

Premature ejaculation is one of these methods or you may want to leave them alone for now, there exists so much a cure to early climax is also referred to by medical doctors believe that early ejaculation is worth any extra effort.If you are having intercourse or foreplay, most require some concentrated stimulation of penis.Do not be discouraged if you ejaculate within 2 minutes you will find more sex-prolonging poses.Unlike the start-stop method which takes practice to delay ejaculation.Physically you need to have intercourse or before the sexual system.

Premature Ejaculation Spray

Lessen your expectations - Performance anxiety and sexual avoidance in males.What are Kegel exercises strengthens the muscles that are designed that way.On the other hand, the squeeze method and the process seven times.Premature ejaculation help carefully and enjoy sex and can engage in foreplay for at least once in a serious disease such as thyroid issues or hormonal imbalances.Curing premature ejaculation found its way to treat P.E. is to build up over a couple of weeks.

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[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

TF2 Headcanon - “In The Know”

Based on a random headcanon @camiluna27 proposed like an hour ago. And I made this trash.

-Title: IN THE KNOW-

The first thing Engine knew of Spy finding out, was the exact moment his laboratory door exploded inward with the force of a furious frenchman's foot.

"YOU KNEW!" accused the masked man, blatantly seething.

Engie, trying to diffuse the situation, doesn't rise to the bait. "Ah know many things, Spah, you mind tellin' me which thing you're on about?"

"Zhe bushman has been defiling my SON! And I am zhe last on zhe base to know about zhis-... zhis-... blatant manipulation of a minor?!" Spy cries, furious, but perhaps not finding quite the right words in English.

Amused, but patient, Engie puts down his tools before responding. "Now, see here Spook the kid's nearly thirty he ain't no minor-"

"Physically, per'aps, but--" interjects Spy, before Engie can talk over him again.

"...-and he's a tad immature at times but it don't mean he can't make his own decisions. The kid knows what he's on about, and ah'm getting the impression it's more about the who, than the fact he's in a relationship with another man..."

"Well of course that does not matter, it would be 'ypocritical to scorn such a union, but my point is zhat of all zhe men 'ere... 'e chooses zhe one man who likes to fling PISS at people for fun!" stresses the exasperated Spy, hands flailing as he tried to impress on the stocky Texan the gravity of the situation.

"Mmmm, ah know you two don't see eye-to-eye but Sniper's a good man and Scout couldn't have done much better -or worse, come to think of it- outta the people here. Least it ain't BLU's Sniper..." he gets the dig in there, because who could resist.

The horrified expression on Spy's face was worth it. "Mon dieu... per'aps we should thank god for small miracles zhen, I could not attend a wedding where zhey replace confetti with jarate..."

Engie snorts. "Now where'n the hell'd ya get that idea, Spook?"

"What? Oh... they just use it for everything else, even extinguishing fires! I would not be surprised if zhey use it for mouthwash... everything is piss with those Snipers. And to zhink my son 'as stooped low enough to 'ave some degree of affection for one of zhat Class..." the Frenchman sounded desolate, unusually bereft. As if this physically pained him.  

"Now look here, Spah... ah don't want to step on your toes seein' as you're finally get interested in Scout's life again... and you're gonna get these weird urges to protect him, 'cause he's your kid... but like, sometimes you have to let kids make their own choices. And Scout's smart, he made a good one... found a top-notch bloke who loves him right back, and has killed to keep him safe. They're a good enough match..." Engie offers, resisting the urge to place a consoling hand on Spy's arm.

"But why the BUSHMAN? And why am I zhe last to know?" Spy asks, looking rather perturbed still.

Engie scratches at his stubbly chin. "Well, ah can't rightly say why they've waited so long to tell ya, maybe waiting for a good time I suppose. As for the who... well, they get on like a house on fire, and you'd think it was a case of opposites attractin' but they're more similar than you'd think..."

"Per'aps you are ri-... what do you mean 'waited zhis long', is this not new?" those piercing blue eyes narrowed in suspicion as Engie fumbled to think of an excuse.

Instead, he sighs and decides to be honest. "Far as I can tell, it's been almost a year now... or thereabouts. Think it was this time last year I had them both come see me, separately mind, to use as a sounding board... liked each other but were too damn chicken to take the next step and actually admit it. Can face death a dozen times a day, but can't tell another person they like 'em. On the plus side, it gave me a chance to talk Scout out of using those baseball pick-up lines he's so damn fond of... Sniper might've found 'em funny, but they're just painful to hear..."

"You are telling me. I do not know WHERE he gets zhat from, 'is mother is perfectly romantic when she wishes to be..." Spy admits, posture relaxing for the first time since he barged in.

"Oh?" Engie queries, "And how does the whole her bein' Scout's Ma work with you and, y'know, Demo..."

Spy's mouth quirks up. "She is utterly fine with it, we had something as two people a long time ago... and now there are three people, it matters little. Although I know she misses us being around... and there are few opportunities for privacy on a base like zhis. In fact, where have-..."

His eyes narrowed once more. "Zhe van. Zhey 'ave been shagging in zhat filthy van... I will need to get Scout tested for everything..."

Engie was torn between mild pride at the paternal pattern of thought, and downright amusement at the ridiculousness of it all. So he settled for allowing the burbling laugh trapped in his chest to break free...

Spy pulls up short at the sound. "And what, exactly, is so funny... labourer?"

"You, god dammnit, I mean... it's nice ta see ya takin' an interest but you're worse than a first-time mother hen fussin' over her chicks. Ain't like either of 'em can get pregna-..." Engie pauses.

Spy's eyes widen.

"You do not zhink zhe good Doctor has added anything... unusual to our internal organs, outside zhe normal array of animal items, do you?"

"Lord ah hope not, but we might as well check in before someone gets surprised..." Engie responds.

Not to cast aspersions on the good Medic, but he had this funny little quirk for playing God with the Mercs, and a they'd been caught up short a few times thanks to that. Like the day Demo woke up with gills... or the fact everyone had a Mega Baboon heart attached to an uber implant... not to mention the time Medic gave soldier poison sacs without explicitly mentioning it to the man...  and the rocket-jumping merc kept accidentally envenoming a certain teammate, who then had to fess up to the team healer why he needed the antitoxin so frequently. That had been interesting, to say the least...

They're both out of their chairs and at the door before another word is spoken. The corridor seems endless.

"Apart from the surprise of it all... you coping with this well enough, now ya calmed down?" Engie queries, hurrying his steps to keep up with the lankier-limbed Spy.

There was a long pause, as the Infirmary door reared before them like an oncoming wave. No one usually came in here unless it was urgent, except Heavy, and that was a different story.

"...oui, I suppose so, labourer." Spy finally admits, swinging open the door with gusto. "Doctor, we must 'ave words!"

- - -

Twenty minutes later, utterly reassured that, whilst Medic had given them many little enhancements... the ability to be mothers was not one of them.

Although he did confess to having his eye on a shipment of baboon uteruses, if they were interested? Engineer had smacked the Doctor, and told him to stop that nonsense right now. Where would they even PUT a baby on this base? What kind of nanny mercenary could look after it during battle...?

At which point Spy started to get a little concerned about the sanity of the team's two (supposedly) sanest members...

He'd circumvented it all with a polite, "Non", and dragged Engie out before anyone could start making blueprints.

"Well, zhat answers zhat disturbing question at zhe very least." Spy sighs, tired after the unusual emotional rollercoaster of the day.

"You good, then?" Engie queries, as they head towards the main lounge area, because something smelled good in the kitchen and it was just about dinner time anyways.

"I believe so..." Spy responds, then grimaces as if the next words caused him physical pain. "And you 'ave been exceptionally patient, and 'elpful, despite my outbursts... zhank you, Engineer."

"Mighty kind of you to say, son. Now let's get some grub, you and that kid'a yours are too damn skinny..." ribs the Engineer, changing the mood to something more positive as they turn into the common room.

Spy notices the way Scout and Sniper immediately spring apart to opposite ends of the couch; as Heavy takes a conspicuous two steps towards it and pretends to yawn, blocking them from view a moment too late. A foolproof system of deception. Spy could almost be proud...

Scout is nervously peering at him over the back of the couch; Spy deliberately catches his eye... and smiles, with a slight, 'go ahead' wave of his hand.

The runner was ghostly white, like he'd received a sudden shock, and might just fall off the couch any second. Sniper, catching the gesture, moved over to Scout again, and put his arm back around the lanky runner.

They clearly needed a moment to process the unexpected 'permission' of sorts. A general 'I know, it's okay' from the person they had clearly been dreading finding out, the most.

Engineer broke off to check on what was cooking. Pyro always made something exciting, but someone had to check they didn't put enough spice in there to kill a small adult... they liked things hot, as one would imagine, but for some of the mercs who had little to no experience with food of that type... it'd been quite a unique introduction.

Spy found himself gravitating to stand by Demo, who was sitting at their battered all-purpose wooden table. It was for meals, plotting, game night, poker, planning out missions, an impromptu hoizontal dart board, extra bed for those whose back were revolting on them, and many other things far less innocent that no one else on base ever mentioned seeing if they ran across it.

The Scot had a pile of scrap before him, clearly carefully constructing them into... something. Spy could make heads nor tails of it... but the mercenary clearly had some blueprint in his mind. Watching those large hands delicately piece together something intricate, delicate, and utterly puzzling to the observer with no visual cues as to the identity of the finished product... was hypnotic, soothing, and fascinating. Demo knew Spy loved to watch him work, and that's probably why he was being so obvious about it.

Having accidentally dropped the bomb on Spy about Sniper & Scout. He was clearly doing the one thing that Demo knew for sure would calm Spy down, short of... well, things that can't be done in the occupied common room without at least some complaints being filed to Human Resources.

"You know me so well..." he mutters to Demo, sitting down in the seat beside the man. Subtly pressing his arm alongside that of Demo's, and just watching...

He just about visibly startled when a plate was placed on the table before him. Demo, too, jumped, lost in his invention.

Engie laughed, and moved down the line, handing out plates full of... who knows, but it smelled amazing.

Scout and Sniper, down the table, had abandoned all pretence of not being together, and were sitting close. But, nothing else was amiss...

'At least they're not feeding each other spoonful by spoonful and giggling about it,' Spy thought to himself. They were just existing as they normally did, the same way Demo, Spy and all the others did.

He was glad, truly, that nothing had changed.

"Pass the salt, Bilby..." Sniper mutters, and Spy's ears prick up as Scout goes bright red.

"Bilby, is it?" he drawls, and some at the table tense.

Sniper doesn't seem to mind as much as the flustered Scout does. "Yeah, Bilby, 'cause they're small, cute little buggers... and the technical term for 'em is a rabbit bandicoot... 'n when we got here I always called him 'Scoot', so... rabbit bandi-scoot... bilby... just fits."

"Oh my god, stop telling my dad these things, Snipes, pleaaaaaaaaase..." Scout whines, definitely Not Making Eye Contact With Anyone after a statement like that.

"Why not, he's probably got baby photos of you somewhere 'round here that're way more embarrassing..." Sniper ribs, as Scout pouts, melodramatically.

Spy grins, "Oui, I do indeed, mon petit lapin."

Scout groans, "This is why I didn't wantcha to know just yet, cause I had a feeling you and Snipes would team up against me..."

"Aw mate, don't be like that." Sniper coaxes, not even the vaguest smidgeon of apology written on his features. "We're just teasing..."

"You may be, bushman, but I 'ave documented evidence of a certain lapin's first bubble bath I am sure everyone 'ere would love to see..." Spy goads, good-naturedly.

Scout is looking at him in such stark horror, it's hard for the rest of the team not to burst out laughing. Spy is only remaining nonchalant through years of schooling his own features.

Demo is the one that takes pity first, and calms the situation down. He nudges Spy in the side, "Take it down a notch, darlin', the lad'll drop dead on ye if ye don't."

Now it's his turn to get Spy's glare, as Medic nearly inhales his fork in surprise. Scout has to rescue Sniper from the beer he was currently choking on.

Ideally, he hadn't wanted the relationship to come out so... messily. He wrinkled his nose, since when had Demo ever called him 'Darling'?

He flicks open the balisong, dramatically. "Do you 'ave any last words, Tavish?"

Chairs scrape the floor as others start to gt up to intercede...

"Tell your wife, I love her!" Demo cries dramatically, and then both of the men burst into laughter, to the confusion of the rest of the team.

"Tell 'er yourself, mon amour, next time we are 'ome... I would not wish to explain your sudden death, or my role in it." Spy responds, tone familiar and warm.

"Wait..." Scout's small voice pipes up, and his expression shows his mind is busy processing this. "I have two dads?"

Demo looks at Spy, who nods. "Oh aye, but I'm gonnae have tae draw the line at either you or Snipes there callin' me 'daddy', aye?"

Dinner was all but forgotten in the uproar of hilarity that followed.

----

The End

[tinaaatino]

Acid Trip

Last weekend Z and T and their friend A J and I made a bonfire and candy flipped. This candy flipping is a new thing for me, they do it here in San Diego. You take an acid plus a molly. Or an ecstasy. I’ll never know the difference. 

I guess I was expecting more of an intense molly trip but it was simply a bit of molly feeling at the beginning and then a little bit of LSD visuals and then I fucking figured something out about myself and I cried for 5 hours. 

I would say it is one of the most beautiful and life understanding trips I’ve ever had (only three on LSD so far, another 4 mushroom trips). It’s absolutely a step up from taking acid with Jimmy at Mono, or that one jungle bar I threw up at.

A part of me feels so high building these connections between what life has shown me and grown inside of me and what the acid shows me and subsequently what my therapy shows me. I try not to think of it as elitism but I’m screaming in my head right now like, “Don’t you see!!!!!!” it feels like I’m the only person that is paying attention to this. So the other part of me kind of wants to tell the hungry for connections to take a chill pill, because no one really cares. Either they don’t care at all, or they already know all of this and so they just look at me like, duh. 

Am I this stupid? Am I this young of a soul?

Let’s start there. The idea that I’m a new soul came to me many years by someone calling me such. I subsequently used it to describe myself, and on last weekend’s trip as I was explaining this to A J, he said it’s because I’m inquisitive. Imagine I’m a new soul, and life is an experience that the consciousness chooses to partake in, you can even go as far as to believe Elon Musk’s sayings that we’re living in a simulation. It seems very plausible to me that, yes, machines achieved consciousness, and they’ve (or the Gods, or Buddha, or whatever) created this organic, biological simulation, humans, we reproduce constantly, we’re better than rabbits but we are essentially living in this experiment. And consciousness is, in fact, this “no-thing and everything” as described by my therapy book AND by psychonaut illustrations. 

Our physical language does not have a word for what consciousness is because it transcends time and space and it does not have a beginning and an end, thus it is not a “thing” but a no - thing or also every thing, which is what something is if it is not a thing. The opposite of a thing. Is a nothing, or an everything. But in fact it could be something, simply we don’t have a word for it because we don’t have the physical capacity to understand an object, or a thing, that transcends time and space. Because in death we lose the ability to communicate between one being and the being who has left their physical body (but we’re not really sure). This is very typical of the limits of language. You see it across cultures, Ikagai, Chill, Apapachar (Japanese, English, Spanish) not only in their vocabulary but how language shapes the way we see the world because it is shaped by the world around us. For example, a Chicagoan would never say “I went to the snow” it’s like WTF are you talking about? But in SoCal we GO to the snow. Or how the Eskimo have hundreds of different words for snow, to you or to me, the 97 other words for snow you don’t know would be meaningless to you since you have never seen or experienced them. 

So this consciousness, imagine the machines decided to build this simulation in order to experience what life was like. It might beg the question that, well couldn’t we be the OG life that created the machines? I would say no because of the pyramids but maybe? This idea of “experiencing life” runs parallel to the teachings of the Mormon Church, and I assume, most of the rest of Christianity, that we were “given” these physical bodies such that we may have “eternal life” but “consciousness” or our souls, existed before this world and these physical bodies. And there is an existence to come beyond the physical world that we know. ****** My whole argument fails if this assumption is not true ********** 

Oh fuck, in writing this I realize that maybe I’m just connecting the 18 years of Mormon brainwash to my therapy and to my acid trip? fuck.

 My Mormonism and my yoga intersect on a daily basis, every time I go to yoga it’s like I just went to mass. Today I even cried in yoga like sometimes i do at church. In yoga, we always end my hyper-commercialized Core Power Yoga class with a Namaste, holding your hands, palms facing each other, from your third eye center, the space between your eyebrows. The soul's recognition of another soul. “The light in me honors the light in you”

It is here where we swing back to the acid trip. 

I went over to Z’s house around 5PM on a Friday night. I knew we weren’t gonna party or go out ‘cause we’re all broke. We drove over to the grocery store, grabbed some beers, and as we’re driving home T brings up the idea of having a bonfire tonight. No one checked the weather and we were like fuck yeah let’s invite A J. Someone, not me, made the decision that we would pick up treats for the bonfire. 

I was expecting it to be a big ass bonfire, a bunch of drugs, people, music, alcohol. instead, only 2 people stopped by and quickly left, other than that it was just us four and the birds hanging around. It was the most, most San Diego night ever. The type of night only locals have, and the type of night that makes me feel like I belong here, both on this world and in San Diego. After picking up candy in Point Loma, we were deciding where to do our bonfire, Ocean Beach was a possibility, plenty of action around, people, Friday night, hippie town. But T said he knew a spot on Shelter Island. We drove around for a minute, asking people, trying to consult Google, but we almost gave up because we couldn’t find the pits. Finally, we found four pits, which I believe were actually the only four pits on Shelter Island. There’s a boat ramp 200 yards away. We set up our pit, started building the fire, and ate our treats. It hit Z first and then T. They were off down the beach, dancing to the music we were playing off our Bluetooth, looking at the lights of downtown. Z took me for a walk down the beach wanting a blow job but I just wasn’t there yet. It hardly felt like the molly was hitting me at all. I was sitting there on a stone staring up at the sandhill beside me as the LSD visuals started waving around at me. I started asking questions, “If we were less smart would the trip affect you different?” Answer: The conversation would be steered in another direction but it would arrive at the same conclusion. I have this beautiful memory of watching Zeo dance and stare at the fire and talk to his friends. I think that’s when I really fell in love with him.

Earlier or now, I don’t remember when or how I decided to pose the acid a question. Setting an intention was easy and natural. How can I find peace? I had done a yoga class that morning where my teacher mentioned Santosha, and described it as “contentment in suffering, finding peace in the midst of pain.” And I think that I was thinking of this regarding my anxiety, a feeling of not being able to breathe, chest tightness like my heart was about to explode out of my body, which had been flaring up the last two weeks due to my lack of sleep and just January, and life stress. 

I was sitting there at the bonfire thinking about how peaceful this moment was. The bay next to us, waves lapping up on shore, the birds squawking occasionally nearby, the boats rocking away 30 feet from shore. The cops hung out with us a few hours. They stayed in the parking lot, maybe 20 yards away. I only ever caught glimpses of their flashers, whenever we pulled out a beer or the bong, thinking they had left. We had talked about the rumor that circulated about not using pallets. The rumor is that when you use pallets for the bonfire, the nails explode. But in the discussion, it turned out that the exploding pallettes rule is only a rumor, to stop the use of nails so that when children or dogs, or homeless people are digging through the sand, they don’t impale themselves. As removing the nails from the ashes is an expensive task, and the city no longer pays for maintaining the pits. (Reminds me, I need to buy a metal magnet so this can be my community service project). It was one of those moments where everything was at peace because we were being respectful, the cops weren’t giving us shit, we were tripping balls but people tripping balls aren't belligerent assholes. Usually, the type of people that trip (hippies) tend to already be a bit more conscientious. The conversation swung back to a souls recognition of another soul. The realization one has when tripping, that everything is, that we’re all connected. And A J is this random person I just met who has a fuck ton of money and works 80 hours a week, and Z is my lover, who has a blue collar job, and T is the one who brought us together, simply because he’s friends with my friend's cousin. It just felt like this is where I was supposed to be and with these people. 

I look back on all the things I’ve written on this blog and on my sex blog and it just feels like I’m achieving something. I’m not gaining any financial wealth, but I believe I’ve achieved what I set out to do when I graduated from college, “Poursuit”. Chase. Search. 

I think what I’ve learned so far and what’s taken me 29 years on this earth to figure out is just do whatever the fuck I want and enjoy it. Enjoy all of it and enjoy the little bits of it. I remember as I was tripping wanting to feel like that all the time, dislocated from time or space, there’s no tomorrow and there was no yesterday, just today. And it’s always hard to come back from that. The post-trip blues are real, the comedown, is rough, making your way back into the real world, to get swallowed up whole by the distractions and chatter of daily life, of the woes of routine, and the rat race. When all we’ve come here to do is live, and experience, and feel pain and feel love, and feel a loss, but mostly to suffer. Whether its the machines or the Gods that made us and this world, it seems like it was important for them or for us if we chose to come here, to suffer. But why?

As I’m laying in Shavasana in my yoga class this morning, class is ending and I’ve started going back to yoga daily because I’m depressed again. Nothing out of the ordinary, I’ve gotten good at being depressed, I’ve made it this far, I just have to remember not to quit my jobs! The LSD maybe dropped me back down to earth after my latest upswing. I’m crying but I’m also so sweaty that absolutely no one can tell so I’m just trying to keep silent. I’m crying because it feels like everything in my life was meant to be. Like this is the path I chose because I wanted it, I wanted to be free and crazy and sexual and I wanted to travel, and I wanted to see “what it was like to be a regular person (working class)”. It’s like I’m legitimately a new soul, eager to experience everything about life. Whether it’s learning to scuba dive, hitch-hike, never work, work from home, it’s like I needed to try it all. But that was that time. Now it’s time to turn inward. Now it’s time to find a way for me to give of myself to this world. Like, as the drinking got progressively worse, it was meant to lead me back home, to a place where I would convince my dad to pay for a black tag yoga membership. To a place where I finally found a psychiatrist to explain my anguish. 

There have probably been bipolar people for all of humanities history. Maybe we were the ones to discover pot! (70% of bipolars use marijuana, most first use it at a very young age) Maybe our anguished existence was necessary to propel humanity forward by all the amazing connections we make?! I'm being sarcastic but also seriously believe all of this. Just in trying to understand why I’m like this. (Also to go off on a tangent, I think bipolar people and stoners evolved together. Ever since I was a child, I’ve attracted stoners to me like Anne Child attracts the crazies. Every guy I date is progressively more stoner, and it’s my favorite medication, my doctor says if it works, I should keep using it. It’s these sort of little things that make me feel like This is the Right Place. 

Today i made myself go to my volunteer group. I have a new favorite kid, this guy can only talk about trash, and he gets points for talking about anything but trash. Last week my favorite kid only asks about what the weather is going to be. She’s always worried it might be too hot or too cold to ride. I completely understand them. I know the anguish! And it makes me recognize again, that we’re all here to suffer or to face different challenges. Mormons always taught me that we’re never given a challenge we cannot overcome.

“Santosha or contentment means keeping a positive attitude in difficult times. We can choose to wallow in darkness and difficulty, or we can rise above our challenges and see them as opportunities for transformation and the discovery of immense and lasting joy. The more we choose contentment, the more we are able to grow. Here is inspiration to help us walk more cheerfully through life’s valleys as well as its peaks.”

As we begin to pack up our bonfire, I start to realize that I’m bipolar and it’s sprinkling. Since August, I would see things about me that “could be” bipolar, but at that moment I was like holy shit I’m having a manic episode. I saw it for the first time, maybe because the LSD made me come out of myself for a minute. I wasn’t being manic in that moment, I hadn’t made the decision to come out here, I hadn't gone out looking for drugs, but I hadn’t slept in weeks, I had asked my doctor for medication to sleep and realized that was out of my character, but it was when I was tripping that I saw myself. I saw my patterns. It’s been a blur since then, reading through my therapy book, coming across this mindfulness exercise where they literally have you look at your consciousness. ****** By showing you who you are, patients often have a feeling of “dying” because in a sense you are. Our language and our existence are based on the Ego. The self. The individual, establishing who you are, your boundaries, is necessary to feel satisfied. And when the ego dies, when you realize you are boundless because consciousness transcends time and space, we are all one, you and me are the same, you can accept death or suffering (how LSD and shrooms are used to treat end of life patients in accepting their end) but in the moment of this death, when I realized I wasn’t who I thought I was, it was pretty sad and I cried for a long time. I cried because I thought I’ll never travel again. I thought I’ll never do anything without questioning whether it's me or my crazy talking. I cried because of how mean I was to my sister. I cried thinking about how sad I’ve been for so many years. Like I cried for myself, I felt bad for myself. And I cried for all the people that I’ve met on the road, all the hippies, and all the bonfires, and all the stories about tripping. I guess I just connected all of it like maybe they're bipolar like me. That’s why they’re out there. I cried for us. And how fun it’s been but also how it’s been a mask we’ve put on, trying to make sense of the anguish.  

I’ll always remember my Farmer Mykal telling me I wasn’t “that lost” like the other people in Garberville. And I said to him then, like I feel now, But I am lost. And I think that’s the part that makes me cry. 

The day after the acid trip I was reading my therapy book and they talk about this ego death, which I'm reading and I'm like, yeah I know I just did acid, and then they talk about the guy who cries because he feels like he’s dying once he disassociates with his ego, they call it defusing from self-conceptualizations. 

“If I am not my thoughts, then who am I”, It was as if he were dying. And in a sense, he was. 

I think this is what the 5-hour acid trip cry was for me. I needed to let go of the old me. I’m so proud of everything I’ve done, and achieved and learned. I know I want to teach and work outside, helping people, teaching people to help themselves. I’ve traveled, I’ve fucked, I’ve been poor, I’ve been rich (for a month in Mexico once). I think I’ve gathered plenty of material and I should write a book. But now that the universe has brought me here, back to San Diego, I think it’s time for me to learn to live in the moment. The thing old souls know how to do far better than me. Just live, chill, let it in, relax.  

*****

[cra5htig3rart]

Last Expiration

By: Kurisu678

All characters belong to @smokeplanet.

One Year Ago...

Late morning sun shone through the blinds into the bedroom shared by Mitch Mueller and Jonas Wagner, painting thin lines of yellow light against the bright blue walls. The space was kept in a state of comfortable chaos, a delicate balance between order and disarray. As per usual Sunday custom, alarms had been left off and both Mitch and Jonas were left in a blissful state of dozing while snuggling.

It was however, not to last.

"Hurk... hack... fuck..!" Mitch's body, the big spoon wrapped around his husband's smaller form, was wracked with painful spasms as deep-seated coughs exploded from his lungs. Involuntarily, he squeezed Jonas tight as a ward against the pain.

"Uh... m-morning." Jonas yawned deeply, the disturbance waking him. He brushed his long brown hair from his eyes. "So much for sleeping in. You getting that bug going around?"

"Yeah... must be..." Mitch said. Damn, those had hurt! He rolled over to let Jonas up from under his arm, discreetly clutching his ribs in the process.

"Well please try not to infect me. I can't afford to miss work right now." Jonas sat up at the edge of the bed, his body soft and curvy. His skin was light brown speckled with darker brown spots. Mitch smiled, nothing was quite as nice as seeing his short chubby husband in nothing but boxers.

"Stop undressing me with your eyes," Jonas said, sticking his tongue out with a smile.

"Can't help it, Spots. Besides, you're almost naked already." Mitch answered with a grin of his own, showing off his somewhat overlarge and yellow teeth. "Would take me less than a blink to get it done."

"Ha-ha," Jonas retrieved some grey sweatpants from the dresser. This pair was freshly-laundered and cozy against his skin; it was perfect for the chilly winter air.

"Seriously, though. Setting up this blue-whale breeding ground expedition has everyone working overtime." Jonas slipped on a t-shirt and made a serious face. "We only have six months to finalize everything. I couldn't live with myself if someone else had to do my  work too if I was sick!"

"Urgh... it's Sunday. I don't even want to hear the word 'work'!" Mitch grimaced, covering his face. His chest still ached, but he brushed it off. He tried to focus on deep, even breathing. He had been getting a bit short of breath lately...

As Mitch pondered Jonas entered the master bathroom, the sound of running water and brushing teeth echoing off the cool white tiles. Jonas finished up and went downstairs, presumably to make breakfast. Mitch rolled over and got to his feet, not bothering to get dressed beyond his boxers and padded into the bathroom. His long, lean frame had finally filled out since high school. With a respectable amount of muscle and a disreputable number of tattoos,  he finally looked like a pretty decent stud. Mitch smiled at his reflection.

"Hey, stu... hurk, gurgle...!" Mitch's words were cut off as another round of coughs rose unbidden from his chest, the pain just as bad as before. He doubled over the sink, covering his mouth with his hand.

When he pulled his hand away, it was flecked with blood. The bright red droplets stark against his pale skin, like a handful of rubies dropped on a snowbank.

"Sh-shit..." Mitch's body began to tremble. Coughing blood couldn't be good...

"That last one sounded pretty bad. You think you ought to see a doctor, Mitch?" Jonas had returned from the kitchen, with two plates laden with golden waffles smothered in maple syrup with a side of scrambled eggs.

"N-no, Spots. I'm fine, you know me... I don't stay sick long." Mitch said, quickly and discreetly washing the blood from his palm and lips. He bent over the sink so Jonas wouldn't see.

Jonas handed Mitch his plate. "Don't I know it, but that doesn't mean I'm going to risk catching anything. You're in quarantine mister!" Mitch tried to smile as genuinely as he could, but he felt something in his chest besides the ache that filled it. It wormed its way into his otherwise picturesque life.. was it... fear?

Eight Months Ago...

After about an hour in the hospital waiting room, Mitch was about to call it quits and go home. He needed to check his wristwatch every 15 minutes, if this took any longer then Jonas would know he wasn't home. The stress of the mother across the seating area trying to put herself between her son and Mitch, as if she could shield him from his bad influence, was really pissing him off.

Three seconds before he would've got up and said "fuck it," the beautiful nurse came out from behind her desk. Her hair was long and dark, wavy and full like she was some damn shampoo model. Mitch squinted at her name tag, "Nurse Morgan."

"Mitch Mueller? The doctor will see you now."

"Finally." Mitch muttered under his breath as he went into the examination room. Various anatomy charts hung on the white walls while the short and portly doctor wrinkled his walrus mustache in a smile as Mitch came in.

"Good, good, Mr. Mueller. Just take your shirt off please and we'll have a look at you. What seems to be the problem?" The doctor's stubby fingers flipped through Mitch's file as Mitch pulled his shirt off his long, lean torso.

"Uh, well Doc, AH!" Mitch flinched as an ice-cold stethoscope was placed against his chest. The shock caused him to take a sharp breath, only to feel pain lance through his lungs as he coughed in response.

"Hack... ahem... well, I've been coughing a lot. Sometimes there's blood when I cough, too." Mitch said, the doctor moving the stethoscope around as he talked.

"And I've been getting out of breath a lot, like I'm not getting enough air. Weird, right? Since I'm so in-shape." The doctor said only "mhmm" in response as he continued his examination.

"How long have you had these symptoms?" The doctor moved the stethoscope against Mitch's back, pulling a frowning face at his tattoos.

"Almost four months..." Mitch said.

"It says here that you work construction? Ever worked with asbestos?" The doctor asked.

"Well yeah, but they make us wear masks for that shit." Mitch frowned, tugging his shirt back on. "Do you know what it is or not, Doc?"

"Mr. Mueller," the doctor said, exasperated.

"Just Mitch, please." Mitch bit his lower lip, holding back his frustration.

"Mitchell, this could be any number of things. You could have contracted tuberculosis, or it could be a completely different illness altogether." The doctor said. "Such a cursory examination can only reveal so much."

Mitch cringed at the doctor using "Mitchell" but decided to let it pass.

"Clearly your lungs are in some kind of distress, your breathing sounded laboured. But as to why we need to dig deeper." The doctor made some illegible marks on his clipboard. "I'm ordering an exhaustive battery of tests to see exactly what's wrong."

"All right, fine. So we're done?" Mitch started to pull his jacket on, the air was still chilly out.

"Yes, yes. Just one more thing, it says here you are a smoker?" The doctor said, not looking up from his scribbling.

"Yeah, since high school. What's it to you?" Mitch said, cross. He hated it when people judged him for smoking, it was his own damn life.

"Just making sure all the information is correct. Nurse Morgan will schedule you in for a blood test and some X-rays. Unfortunately, our X-ray equipment is not working currently, so you'll need to go out of town to have them taken..." The doctor looked up, his eyes magnified by his reading glasses.

"Tch... it's fine, I can wait." Mitch desperately wanted to get out of there. His phone buzzed, it was a text from Jonas asking where he was. He was going to need a believable lie...

"Really Mr. Mueller, this could be very serious. The parts won't come in for at least a few more weeks, maybe months..." The doctor said as his frown deepened.

"I said I can wait! Just call me... on my cell, not the home phone! When you've got the stuff fixed." The doctor sighed as Mitch practically sprinted out the door.  Maybe he could pick up pizza and claim it was a long line?

Six Months Ago...

Their room, once in balance between disorder and harmony, was now firmly on the side of disorder as Jonas frantically tried to get everything packed for the voyage he was undertaking. Clothes were strewn about and the dresser appeared to be in a state of exploding into a pile of sweatpants and dress clothes.

"And it's really amazing because no one has actually been able to find out where the whales go to breed. We see mothers with their calves all the time, but where do they go?" Jonas prattled on, his eyes shining bright with excitement. Most of the marine-biology jargon flew over his husband's head, but if Jonas was excited Mitch was definitely happy for him.

"But the University finally decided to finance our project and now we can track at least 50 female blue whales 24/7 with GPS to find out exactly where they are mating!" Jonas shoved another dozen pairs of socks into his suitcase, cheerful and smiling. "It's a six-month voyage of scientific discovery!"

"So you're watching a bunch of whales bang?" Mitch reached out and grabbed his husband from behind, pulling him onto the bed with him. He winced at the pain in his chest, but he'd been getting better at suppressing the coughing. However the bleeding had been getting worse, and he'd started to lose weight.

"I married a perv!" Mitch said as he laughed, as Jonas steadied his suitcase.

"Careful! It took me all night to get that organized." Jonas said, smiling at his husband.

"But I guess that would mean like attracts like." Jonas pulled in for a kiss, his lips grazing Mitch's. The touch sent a warm flush through the both of them.

"So I'm a perv, then?" Mitch was certainly in the mood, if the tent in his pants was anything to go by.

"Oh yes, but I was pure as the driven snow before I met you." Jonas kissed Mitch on the cheek this time. Jonas slowly unbuttoned his work shirt and loosened his tie.

"A-and now?" Mitch said, breathless.

In one fluid motion, Jonas pulled his tie still in a loop over his own head and slipped it around Mitch's neck. With a firm but gentle tug he pulled Mitch's head forward for another kiss. Mitch's eyes were closed in bliss when he felt Jonas push him flat on his back, Jonas's hands grasping his own and pushing them above his head. The fabric of the bedspread slid as Jonas straddled Mitch's chest, the springs squeaking under them.

"I dunno, Mitch Mueller." Jonas smiled, "why don't you tell me?"

"Uhh..." Mitch gulped.

The next morning they were all at the pier.  A massive ship was tethered to the dock being loaded with all the equipment the research team needed, including a submarine. Jonas was standing a bit away from Mitch, talking with his fellow marine biologists as they made final preparations. Mitch looked out across the sea, and sighed. It would be six months without Jonas. The ocean waves crashed against the shore, as if trying to flow upwards and swallow the land.

"Tch, nerds." Mitch was waiting to kiss Jonas goodbye when his phone buzzed. He opened his email and saw it was from the doctor. He finally had the tests done and after being poked and prodded and giving about 5 gallons of blood, he was impatient for the results. Mitch began to read:

Mr. Mueller, we regret to inform you that the tests results show that the cause of your symptoms is stage 4 cancer. It appears to have originated from your lungs, but has begun invading your other organs, including your liver, kidneys and stomach. We recommend aggressive chemotherapy treatment immediately, as cancer this pervasive simply isn't operable. Please come into the office as soon as...

Mitch's blood turned cold as ice as Jonas walked toward him, apparently finished talking.

"Well we look all ready... hey, hey! Are you all right?" Mitch felt a tear roll down his cheek, this was the highlight of Jonas's career he couldn't ruin it. Not now, he couldn't fuck up one more thing...

"Yeah no, I'm f-fine, totally fine." Mitch said, wiping the tear from his eye. "Just sad 'cause I'm not going to have you to keep me warm at night."

"Oh, Lord. You're a marshmallow!" Jonas laughed, and wrapped his arms around Mitch's waist. "It's only six months, and I'll be back before you know it. This expedition could uncover secrets that would help us protect the blue whale breeding grounds from drilling and shipping traffic."

Jonas pulled Mitch closer, his much taller husband having to bend down for their goodbye kiss. After all this time together, they were well practiced in dealing with their difference in height.

"Just... take care of yourself, please. I've noticed you're losing weight, Mitch." Jonas bit his lip as they pulled apart.

"Yes sir," Mitch said, pulling forward for a tight hug. "I'll be a fatty before you know it."

"Ha-ha." Jonas rolled his eyes.

"You don't need to worry about me." Mitch said, trying to remember this moment, this feeling of Jonas's comfortable weight in his arms.

"Promise me you'll be waiting for me?" Jonas said, his head against Mitch's chest.

"I promise. I'll be right here, waiting." Mitch's heart stuttered only a little at that lie, and not loud enough that anyone else could hear.

Four Months Ago...

Mitch was lying in bed, his hospital gown loose on his long, lanky body. The chemotherapy hadn't exactly been easy on him. Weight had melted off his frame as he cycled through the toxic poison meant to cure him of his illness. Most of his hair fell out after the first month, and by now he was bald. His eyes were sunken and he was painfully thin. He coughed weakly as the doctor entered the room.

"Mr. Mueller," the doctor began, Mitch too sapped of energy to correct him on his name. "I'm afraid the news isn't good. While some of the tumors have responded, the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes... and your brain." The doctor seemed to try and shield himself from having to look at Mitch's emaciated body with his clip board.

"A-and that means?" Mitch replied, trying to sound as sarcastic as he could. He felt, hollow. Despite his body being so full of cancer, he had never felt more drained of life.

"At this point there is no treatment avenue we can try. You'll feel a bit better after we take you off the chemotherapy... but you have at most four months to live. Cancer this pervasive can cause any number of your body's systems to fail at any time. We'll try to make you comfortable with the time you have left..." Despite the doctor's medical brilliance, his bedside manner left much to be desired.

"Well fuck.. that sucks." Mitch leaned back in the bed, the white walls and windows failing to mask the scent of death that clung to the air like rotting flowers. He could hang on for Jonas, he could make sure the last thing he said to him wasn't a lie...

Two Months Ago...

Mitch's mother sat next to his hospital bed, holding his hand. She had aged rather gracefully over the years, like a really shady Betty White. Her fingers were adorned with golden rings studded with diamonds from her rich, oil-baron husband. Mitch was glad she found someone, being the best man at his mother's wedding had been a blast. Jonas had needed to drag him to the car and drive him home, it was like high school all over again.

"Jonas... didn't take the news well." Henrietta said, holding her son's hand tighter. "He sounded pretty angry. Also sad. I'm not sure he if he was yelling or crying." His mother clutched her pearls as she gently squeezed her son's hand.

"Hurk... sounds like him." Mitch coughed weakly. His hair had grown back without much colour, and he continued to lose weight as the cancer sucked the life from him to grow. His joints ached all the time and his breathing was shallow and weak. Apparently having a tumour in your brain could impinge the optic nerve so his vision was getting blurry and dim. It was almost like being high, but minus the fun parts.

"Son, why didn't you tell him?" His mother asked, sounding sad herself. "The ship can't come back from the other side of the world on demand. He can't return to see you until they're finished."

"This trip... it was his... cough cough... dream." Mitch replied. "Make his career and shit..." he felt drowsy. The drugs they'd given him to help alleviate the pain had also dulled his mind and senses.

"I think you were his dream..." His mother's voice sounded far away, heard as if underwater.

Now...

Mitch had long since lost the strength to talk. The amount of drugs coursing through his veins to maintain the dimming twilight of his life was absurd. When he slept he began dreaming of high school, happier days when he first felt falling in love with Jonas...

But cling to life he did and the same beautiful dark-haired nurse from the doctor's office all those months ago attended him. Sometimes he could hear his mother crying. Other times it was her voice, telling him how close Jonas was to coming back.

"Oh he's on the way here, honey. Just a little longer." She would say, her face haggard and drawn.

Mitch had dreamt of their first county fair together. How nice it had been to hold Jonas's hand, so warm and soft. He had even scrounged up some change to win some prizes for Jonas to impress him.

"You know telekinesis is cheating right?" Jonas had said, but he accepted the giant pink panda bear with a wide smile.

"Oh he's almost here, Mitch. He's in the parking lot! Oh, I'll just go and get him." Mitch's mother sped off, rushing to the elevator.

The nurse quietly closed the door. She was wearing blue scrubs... but no, as Mitch focused his eyes, she was wearing something else.

"You're out of time, Mitch Mueller." She said, pulling her cape aside. It was made of crow feathers, oily and black like a starless night. She wore leather armour and plates of metal. In her hand was a mighty lance, the spearhead a shining blade of silver metal. Mitch's heart began to race, but it's not like he could escape her if she decided to impale him.

None of the hospital staff seemed to notice as she reached out her pale hand, her fingernails curved like talons. She grasped his hand and pulled, and Mitch found himself drifting away from the hospital. She was drawing him toward some dark void, far away from Jonas. Faint words reached him, the staff's useless attempts to revive him were weak tugs that did nothing to stop the dark-haired woman pulling him away.

"NO, DON'T LEAVE!" Jonas cried out like a dying animal. "YOU SAID YOU'D BE HERE! YOU PROMISED!" Mitch had to get back, get back to him... get back... to Jonas...

Mitch turned around, to try and return and escape the yawning abyss trying to swallow him up, but as he did the woman's face was right up against his own.

"You're out of time, Mitch Mueller!"

Then...

Mitch woke with a gasp, the fortune-telling tent dark. The sounds of the county fair muted by the thick, dark fabric that enclosed the space. That's right! He and Jonas were at the fair, they were at the fair! It wasn't real, his dying wasn't real! Mitch clutched his chest, sucking in deep breath after deep breath, reveling in the lack of pain.

"Enjoy your future, Mitch Mueller?" The beautiful woman, still dressed in her armour and feather cape stood before him. Mitch slowly remembered coming into the tent and she had offered to show him the future.

"Fuck!" Mitch flinched, he tried to get up but his body was glued to his seat, like magic. "What the fuck did you do to me!? Who the fuck're you!"

"Well that depends on who you ask," the woman said with a coy smile. "To the Mayans, I was Camazotz." She stepped closer, making Mitch's heart beat fast in terror. "To the Greeks, I was Thanatos." She inched ever closer, Mitch felt his shirt begin to cling to him with sweat. "The Celts called me The Morrigan." She was so close Mitch could feel her breath on his face, cold and damp like a crypt.

"But all my old names mean nothing to you, do they?" She grinned and laughed, sanguine and predatory. "You can call me Death."

Mitch felt like he was going to either vomit, wet himself or both. But he really wanted to do neither.

"Well y-yeah. O-OK, then 'Death' if th-that's your real name." Mitch said, face red and beaded with sweat. "So th-that was my future, yeah?"

"Aw... don't get cute."Death leaned back, sitting down on her fortune-telling table.

"It is a future Mitchell, there is no true future until it happens." She examined her claw-like nails.

"So, I-I'm gonna die of cancer then? Well f-fuck..." Mitch shuddered, the feeling of losing Jonas still fresh. It all felt so real...

"That future is real, if you keep doing what you're doing, Mitchell." Death said, as if reading his mind.

"Every time you smoke one of these, that future becomes ever more certain." Death poked him in the chest, right at his heart. Right where he kept his cigarettes in his front coat pocket. "And the funny thing is you always go on about how it's your life and no one else's, yet you destroyed Jonas's life too." Death's laugh was cold, just like her touch. Mitch didn't feel animosity or cruelty from her, rather she seemed to radiate frigid indifference.

"After you die, Jonas's guilt over his research voyage and your lie of omission about your cancer completely cripples him emotionally. He quits his job and never remarries, instead becoming a school teacher and drowning his sorrows in booze." Death drew her namesake tarot card from her deck. "Jonas Wagner dies driving into a telephone pole at age 39, drunk on the anniversary of your death. I guess he got abandoned one too many times. His sister blamed you for his death you know, she defaced your gravestone after Jonas's funeral."

Mitch felt like he was about to cry, inside the tarot card was a clear image, like a photograph, of Jonas dead across his car's dashboard. His blank, empty eyes somehow still clearly etched with grief.

"But I guess in your selfishness, you didn't really care about him at all." Death got up, and Mitch found he could move again, and he leapt to his feet backing toward the tent entrance. "As my bother Eros is always telling me, it's the ones we love we end up hurting the most."

"So I guess the question is, what kind of future with Jonas do you want? A short and tragic one, or long and happy?" Death winked, the tip of her spear nearly touching Mitch's chest... "Whether I see you sooner or later is up to you, Mitch Mueller!"

Mitch backed out of the tent and fell flat on his ass. Wincing, he stood up, the tent he came from having vanished, where it stood was completely empty.

"Mitch!" Jonas cried out, carrying corndogs, popcorn, cotton candy and his pink panda bear. "There you are, can you carry some of these? My hands are pretty... hey, what's the matter?" He placed his burdens on a nearby bench.

"What's the matter, you're shaking like a leaf!" Jonas held Mitch's hand. Mitch's heart was starting to slow from its frenetic pace. Looking at Jonas's face, he kept seeing Jonas dead in the tarot card. While the precise memory of that year that Death had made him live was starting to get fuzzy, the feeling of fear and pain and loss was clear as crystal.

"Oh, just... guess the haunted house got to me. Th-that's all." Mitch held Jonas's hand tighter, warm and reassuring trying to laugh it off.

"Wow, you're such a marshmallow!" Jonas laughed, he sounded so full of life. "Even I didn't believe in that fake blood!"

"Yeah, yeah..." Mitch just needed to help calm down, take the edge off. Unconsciously, his hand pulled out a cigarette and his lighter. He had nearly flicked the lighter on when he realised what he was doing.

"Um, something wrong with your lighter?" Jonas said, after about a minute of Mitch standing there with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"Nah," Mitch spat it out into his palm. He looked at it hard, then at Jonas. "I... I guess smoking is kinda dumb, right?"

"Well yeah, cigarettes are bad for you." Jonas sounded like he was talking to an elementary school kid. "Everyone knows that."

"What kind of future do I want...?" Mitch muttered, holding the cigarette.

"What was that?" Jonas said. "Nothing," Mitch replied, throwing out all his cigarettes and his lighter into a nearby garbage can.

"Oh, you're throwing those away? I didn't even know you wanted to quit." Jonas said, surprised. "But that's good, right? Much healthier."

"That's right, Spots." Mitch said, wrapping his arm around Jonas's shoulders. Jonas leaned into the embrace, albeit a little embarrassed to be so affectionate in public. But his smile told Mitch all he needed to know.

"I still need you to help me carry all this..."

THE END

[writing2reachyou]

This is the most unique one I've seen, please yes.

I answered this at around eight this morning and finally found some time to post it, too. I had the fixed idea that someone should do this IC as Mike and Harvey. Who feels creative enough? I’d like to read that, cause this is a good one!!!

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

 Oasis - Some Might Say

Olly Murs - Dance With Me Tonight

AnnenMayKantereit - Länger bleiben

Alanis Morissette - You Oughta Know

My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade

Ton Steine Scherben - Der Traum Ist Aus

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Right now, I’d really travel to the US to meet @sairyn-noc

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

 Believe it or not but I opened my current book at the bookmark - on page 23…. Here we go:

"ich ein Sklave, der ihm gerade zum Verkauf angeboten wor-"

(I a slave that wa- offered to him to be purchased right now)

4) What do you think about most?

Right now my mind is pretty occupied with marvey when I'm not constantly wondering how we should manage to do all the workload that is about to hit our little team full force in 2017…

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Both.

6) Do you have any strange phobias?

I used to be terrified to go down stairs, not that strange possibly because I once crashed down the stone staircase from my grandparents' to my parent' floor at home but people keep wondering why I'm so much faster going up than down when it's usually the other way around.

7) What's your religion?

Born and raised catholic but I'm no longer a member of any church.

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Out for a walk, listening to podcasts and taking pictures (preferably of trees…)

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Don't have any favourite these days. Too many to mention. If I'd absolutely have to name one: Foo Fighters.

10) What was the last lie you told?

"Patrick will call you back tomorrow". I'm pretty sure he won't ;) (FYI, Patrick's my boss)

11) Do you believe in karma?

I'd love to think that good things come to good people but life has taught me differently. My grandma was known in our entire village for her giving heart - so much in fact that when she died way too young, there was a huge line of people wanting to say goodbye.

And my mum, one of the most decent people this earth has ever seen has been battling leukaemia for two years now. So. No. Karma is a great concept but I rather go with "treat everyone the way you wanna be treated" and that's that.

12) What does your URL mean?

It's a Travis song.

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I pressure myself to breaking point way too often.  Strength… I think that's my empathy.

14) Who is your celebrity crush?

Troian Bellisario and Patrick j. Adams. I'd take the girl first if I was to choose ;))

15) How do you vent your anger?

I'm afraid that when I'm stressed at work and angry, I sometimes give snappy comebacks.  Apart from that I love biking to let off steam but with my tormented back I had to take a break from that one for a while.

16) Do you have a collection of anything?

I still haven't thrown out the magazine snippets that I collected of the Kelly Family - and I'm not even embarrassed! Not that I've actually looked at it in the last 20 years but still… cannot throw them out.

17) Are you happy with the person you've become?

95 per cent. Take away the depression, the panic attacks and the abandonment issues and I'm where and how I want to be.

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of my doorbell early in the mornings when I could actually sleep for some longer. And I love music. Any sound of it. Guitar and piano most. And violins.

19) What's your biggest "what if"?

What if I end up all alone?

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

No. Aliens not in the way people believe but I'm sure there is something out there somewhere. Maybe it's just organisms though. Or plants.

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right: my Apple Watch.

Left: My plush hedgehog "Iggy" (hedgehog in German -> Igel)

22) Smell the air. What do you smell?

My sweat hahaha.

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to?

KMT (bone marrow transplant centre)

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender?

That is a tough one because with musicians I don't really pay attention to their looks... I'll take the easy way out and go with Brendan Hines ;)

25) To you, what is the meaning of life?

Live, love and touch people's souls.

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Yes and not really crashed but a couple of minor accidents, like failing at parking or driving too close to a car on the other side and hence smashing the window…

27) What was the last movie you saw?

A French one where Audrey Tautou played a young widow.

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Disc Prolapse, lower back (4+5)

29) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Marvey and Sherlock

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes.

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Unfortunately yes. Not if it hadn't been bad but some things are difficult to put to rest. Especially when they tickle my abandonment and "I'll never be good enough" nerve.

32) What is your astrological sign?

Gemini.

33) What's the last thing you purchased?

A Black-roll for back training but I returned it.

34) Love or lust?

Love. (Most of the times ;))

35) In a relationship?

No.

36) How many relationships have you had?

Two serious ones, 3.5 in total. 

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

I try to make them laugh.

38) Where is your best friend?

Already at work, poor girl.

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Just falling asleep.

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yes. Well, most of the times. When I'm not well, I can be a little too self-centred.

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I call the police and wait for them to arrive (respectively if it’s a close call start rescuing the animal in the meantime) - that way my boss cannot fire me because the police will tell me to wait for them.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

A) yes, I would tell everyone who's important to me. B) write a will, spend as much time as possible with my loved ones and give everyone (me included) the chance to say goodbye. Cry a lot most likely. C) of being in pain, yes. Of being dead? No.

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Paolo Nutini - New Shoes

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Love, trust, honesty, respect.

45) How can I win your heart?

Being sweet, open, trusting, funny, empathic.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Oh definitely!!!

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Apply for my current job. (I wrote that this morning, right now I’m not sure if that’s true, hahaha.)

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

She was a ray of light.

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart."

Soul.

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors?

Red.

51) What is your current desktop picture?

At work it's the TARDIS flying across the old Apple background. At home it's the Apple background, couldn't decide what else I wanted on.

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I don't like to judge who should live and who should die. If I could arrest someone right now, it would be a close call between Assad and Erdogan. Then again, you never know how much is Western propaganda… These days you can never be sure…

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Are you lonely?

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Brining peace wherever I go - and then I'd have an excuse to travel the whole world :)

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

The balloon ride in Tansania. Life-changing.  It took 45 minutes but we can cut a little in the middle or in the end ;) the beginning was the best, gliding into dawn.

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The entire year 2015, too many visits in hospital, seeing my mother as fragile as she was. I was terrified… it's slowly getting better but that experience is something I don't wish on anyone.

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

No one - don't de-mystify your heroes, they are ordinary people and that's not what you want to witness ;)

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

New Zealand.

59) Ever been on a plane?

Yup.

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities.

Patrick and Troian, Benedict Cumberbatch, Tatiana Maslany, David Tennant

[miilk-honey]

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

https://view.joomag.com/sugar-belly-secret-review-sugar-belly-secret-review/0195013001526117612

https://steemit.com/sugar/@alwaysus/sugar-belly-secret-review-does-sugar-belly-secret-really-works

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGFYJ1Nek3o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx39kn1Va40

Here’s How The “Sugar Belly Secret” Can Remodel Your Life: Rapid, Healthy Fat Loss WHILE NOT “Dieting” Low-Carb, High-carb, Vegan, Low-Fat, Atkins, Ketogenic – you name it, I’ve tried it. And you recognize what? They can work! However they are terribly laborious to take care of. Which is why I failed to keep my results, and why so several others fail. (Who wants to pay hours a day shopping and making ready meals and turning down every invite to eat out with friends and family?) These days I eat out each single day, never do intense exercise, and that i no longer diet. But I look better at 55 than I ever did before. The reason is straightforward – I discovered an “eating strategy” that’s easy to take care of, causes speedy weight loss, and doesn’t disrupt your life! It’s as easy as choosing and choosing the right foods – even fast food! Get pleasure from Smoother, Younger-Looking Skin Decision me a vain “pretty boy” if you would like, but as I get older I don’t truly wish to look older. Maybe you'll relate… The smart news is, your skin will transform into a younger, healthier version of itself. In my mid-40s, my skin had become pale, grey and saggy, and it had been all because of my eating habits. When I finally worked out the straightforward-to-follow “eating strategy” I share with you inside The Sugar Belly Secret, you’ll discover the way to fancy youthful, glowing skin once more, all-naturally... In fact, with this eating strategy, it’s not uncommon to “flip back the clock” 10 to twenty years (many people mistake me for guy in my 40s…and i’m 55!) Super-Charge Your Energy and Clarity With this straightforward strategy, you'll eliminate “brain fog,” too. No a lot of mid-afternoon crashes or zombie-like fatigue throughout the day... I don’t care how young or old you are – you’re NOT presupposed to feel that way. Using this easy-to-follow strategy, you’ll realize yourself hopping up and doing in the morning before the alarm explodes and maintaining an even, clear-headed stream of energy throughout the day (without pots of coffee or jittery energy drinks). Reduce Inflammation and Eliminate Pain If you’re not careful, chronic inflammation will lead to dangerous diseases, like some cancers. In the short term, it will cause your joints to hurt, impact your mobility, and cause pain throughout the day. Abundant your inflammation is as a result of of 1 source – food. Eat the proper foods and your inflammation can decrease, and so can your pain and your risk of certain diseases and conditions. Higher Sleep, Less Anxiety, Reduced Stress Did you recognize lack of sleep is directly connected to obesity, stress and anxiety? It’s straightforward to suppose that not obtaining enough sleep causes anxiety and weight gain...however it’s really the other manner around! Once you discover The Sugar Belly Secret and begin losing weight easily and naturally, your sleep will naturally improve as your hormones balance… And your anxiety (and even symptoms of depression) can reduce and disappear in a very terribly short amount of your time. Here’s Simply A “Taste” Of What You’ll Learn In Your FREE Copy Of The Sugar Belly Secret     Why white-colored foods are creating you fat     Six “healthy” breakfast foods that you ought to avoid the least bit prices (HINT: One of them is Oatmeal)     Fast-food choices that are actually NICE for you (Don’t feel guilty concerning eating that Classic Egg McMuffin at McDonalds….or the other foods I list)     One “ingredient” you'll boost food that sets up a roadblock against the consequences of sugar and carbs – making it IMPOSSIBLE for them to gather as fat     The way to eliminate that “jiggly” belly once and for all (NOTE: That kind of “jiggly” belly is referred to as Visceral Fat or “Intra-Organ fat,” and it’s terribly dangerous as a result of it puts pressure on your vital organs)     Learn about the right carbs to eat, that truly aid in weight loss (This is great news for people who are uninterested in feeling “guilty” for eating carbs)     Win The GAME OF HORMONES – Did you know there’s a war going on inside you right currently? Leptin, Insulin, Ghrelin, Dopamine, and Cortisol are all battling each different. However, with the right eating strategy, you can restore order. Did you know nearly all of the globe’s two.2 BILLION overweight individuals suffer from a communication breakdown between one of these hormones and their brain? When communication is restored, it FORCES your brain to tell your body to induce rid of fat.     A short, simple guide to veggies from a veggie-hater     Love sweet treats? Me too – here’s some that won’t mess up your results! (NOTE: One of my favorites could be a sure cookies & cream bar)     ….a lot of, much more! What Exactly IS The Sugar Belly “Secret”? The secret is straightforward – fat isn’t creating you fat. Neither are carbs… Neither are eggs…bacon…steak…burgers….burritos…sandwiches….spaghetti…hot dogs… or alternative yummy foods those different “fad diets” tell you to remain off from. The issue isn’t the food itself – it’s what the massive food conglomerates have ADDED to it and TAKEN Away from it. Here’s what I mean… Try this graph on US sugar consumption from 1822 to 2005: Currently, try this chart of adult obesity rates… Notice something? The a lot of sugar we have a tendency to consume…the additional weight we have a tendency to gain! Experts note that we have a tendency to weigh 25p.c additional than we did simply 25 years ago… And these days fifty five% of adults are over-weight… And these days fifty fivepercent of adults are over-weight… That is anticipated to rise to sixty five% by 2030! And it all comes right down to TWO THINGS the big food corporations do to us: one. Adding Sugar a pair of. Subtracting Fiber/ In the Sugar Belly Secret I reveal the top-all be-all answer to this downside by FLIPPING that around… one. Subtract Sugar a pair of. Add Fiber Low-carb…high-carb….vegan…Mediterranean…Keto….Atkins…doesn’t matter. The reason all of them work is as a result of all of them SUBTRACT SUGAR and ADD FIBER. If you simply follow this straightforward eating strategy, you'll very quickly find out how to create wiser decisions when eating out and looking at the store…. WHILE NOT having to stay to some super-strict nutrition arrange that’s not possible for the average person to follow. In the Sugar Belly Secret – which you'll have sent straight to your doorstep for FREE (just pay a meager shipping and handling fee) – I lay the groundwork for what's quite possibly the easiest, only Eating Strategy on the planet. One that doesn’t build you follow some inflexible meal plan… However really lets you venture out to eat (I eat out every day), eat packaged foods, and live a traditional life that doesn’t involve hours of exercise or meal preparation… And STILL get the trim body you would like. If you wish an Eating Strategy that truly fits your busy lifestyle, then click below and that i’ll send you this breakthrough book FREE. All you pay could be a little Shipping & Handling fee. HOWEVER YOU NEED TO HURRY – copies of this book are limited. We have a tendency to solely have therefore many in print.

[jamagotchi]

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

Sugar Belly Secret Review

https://view.joomag.com/sugar-belly-secret-review-sugar-belly-secret-review/0195013001526117612

https://steemit.com/sugar/@alwaysus/sugar-belly-secret-review-does-sugar-belly-secret-really-works

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGFYJ1Nek3o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx39kn1Va40

Here’s How The “Sugar Belly Secret” Will Remodel Your Life: Fast, Healthy Fat Loss WHILE NOT “Dieting” Low-Carb, High-carb, Vegan, Low-Fat, Atkins, Ketogenic – you name it, I’ve tried it. And you know what? They will work! But they're very laborious to take care of. Which is why I failed to stay my results, and why thus several others fail. (Who needs to spend hours a day searching and preparing meals and turning down each invite to eat out with friends and family?) Nowadays I eat out every single day, never do intense exercise, and i no longer diet. But I look higher at fifty five than I ever did before. The reason is simple – I discovered an “eating strategy” that’s easy to keep up, causes speedy weight loss, and doesn’t disrupt your life! It’s as simple as choosing and selecting the correct foods – even quick food! Enjoy Smoother, Younger-Looking Skin Call me a vain “pretty boy” if you wish, but as I grow older I don’t really wish to seem older. Maybe you'll be able to relate… The good news is, your skin will remodel into a younger, healthier version of itself. In my mid-40s, my skin had become pale, gray and saggy, and it absolutely was all as a result of of my eating habits. When I finally found out the straightforward-to-follow “eating strategy” I share with you inside The Sugar Belly Secret, you’ll discover the way to fancy youthful, glowing skin again, all-naturally... In reality, with this eating strategy, it’s not uncommon to “turn back the clock” ten to twenty years (many folks mistake me for guy in my 40s…and i’m fifty five!) Super-Charge Your Energy and Clarity With this easy strategy, you'll be able to eliminate “brain fog,” too. No more mid-afternoon crashes or zombie-like fatigue throughout the day... I don’t care how young or previous you're – you’re NOT speculated to feel that method. Using this easy-to-follow strategy, you’ll realize yourself hopping up and about within the morning before the alarm explodes and maintaining a uniform, clear-headed stream of energy throughout the day (while not pots of low or jittery energy drinks). Reduce Inflammation and Eliminate Pain If you’re not careful, chronic inflammation will result in dangerous diseases, like some cancers. Within the short term, it can cause your joints to hurt, impact your mobility, and cause pain throughout the day. Abundant your inflammation is as a result of of one supply – food. Eat the proper foods and your inflammation can decrease, and thus will your pain and your risk of certain diseases and conditions. Higher Sleep, Less Anxiety, Reduced Stress Did you recognize lack of sleep is directly connected to obesity, stress and anxiety? It’s easy to think that not getting enough sleep causes anxiety and weight gain...however it’s really the other manner around! Once you discover The Sugar Belly Secret and begin losing weight simply and naturally, your sleep can naturally improve as your hormones balance… And your anxiety (and even symptoms of depression) will reduce and disappear in a very terribly short amount of your time. Here’s Just A “Taste” Of What You’ll Learn In Your FREE Copy Of The Sugar Belly Secret     Why white-coloured foods are creating you fat     Six “healthy” breakfast foods that you must avoid in the least prices (HINT: One of them is Oatmeal)     Fast-food options that are actually GREAT for you (Don’t feel guilty concerning eating that Classic Egg McMuffin at McDonalds….or the opposite foods I list)     One “ingredient” you'll augment food that sets up a roadblock against the consequences of sugar and carbs – making it IMPOSSIBLE for them to gather as fat     How to eliminate that “jiggly” belly once and for all (NOTE: That sort of “jiggly” belly is known as Visceral Fat or “Intra-Organ fat,” and it’s terribly dangerous because it puts pressure on your vital organs)     Learn regarding the right carbs to eat, that really aid in weight loss (This is great news for people who are tired of feeling “guilty” for eating carbs)     Win The GAME OF HORMONES – Did you recognize there’s a war happening inside you right now? Leptin, Insulin, Ghrelin, Dopamine, and Cortisol are all battling every other. But, with the right eating strategy, you'll be able to restore order. Did you recognize nearly all of the planet’s a pair of.two BILLION overweight people suffer from a communication breakdown between one of these hormones and their brain? When communication is restored, it FORCES your brain to tell your body to get rid of fat.     A short, easy guide to veggies from a veggie-hater     Love sweet treats? Me too – here’s some that won’t damage your results! (NOTE: One of my favorites may be a certain cookies & cream bar)     ….abundant, a lot of additional! What Exactly IS The Sugar Belly “Secret”? The secret is simple – fat isn’t making you fat. Neither are carbs… Neither are eggs…bacon…steak…burgers….burritos…sandwiches….spaghetti…hot dogs… or alternative yummy foods those alternative “fad diets” tell you to stay aloof from. The issue isn’t the food itself – it’s what the big food conglomerates have ADDED to it and TAKEN Removed from it. Here’s what I mean… Try this graph on US sugar consumption from 182two to 2005: Currently, take a look at this chart of adult obesity rates… Notice something? The a lot of sugar we consume…the additional weight we gain! Experts note that we tend to weigh 25percent a lot of than we did just twenty five years ago… And today 55p.c of adults are over-weight… And nowadays 55percent of adults are over-weight… That is expected to rise to 65percent by 2030! And it all comes right down to TWO THINGS the large food companies are doing to us: one. Adding Sugar two. Subtracting Fiber/ Within the Sugar Belly Secret I reveal the tip-all be-all answer to the current downside by FLIPPING that around… 1. Subtract Sugar a pair of. Add Fiber Low-carb…high-carb….vegan…Mediterranean…Keto….Atkins…doesn’t matter. The reason all of them work is as a result of they all SUBTRACT SUGAR and ADD FIBER. If you just follow this easy eating strategy, you will very quickly find out how to make wiser decisions when eating out and searching at the store…. WHILE NOT having to stick to some super-strict nutrition arrange that’s not possible for the typical person to follow. In the Sugar Belly Secret – which you'll be able to have sent straight to your step for FREE (just pay a meager shipping and handling fee) – I lay the groundwork for what is quite probably the best, simplest Eating Strategy on the planet. One that doesn’t build you follow some inflexible meal arrange… However truly lets you venture out to eat (I eat out each day), eat packaged foods, and live a traditional life that doesn’t involve hours of exercise or meal preparation… And STILL get the trim body you want. If you wish an Eating Strategy that really fits your busy lifestyle, then click below and i’ll send you this breakthrough book FREE. All you pay may be a small Shipping & Handling fee. BUT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HURRY – copies of this book are restricted. We solely have thus several in print.