#maybe someone will be interested in my dream journal! who knwos

[neverending-monologue]

Had a really weird dream last night, and even though I don’t know if anyone will be interested, I decided I should write it down somewhere anyway.

So, there dream was basically that I was at a party and I saw someone who looked like my ex.  In the dream, I was aware that we’d broken up, and I wasn’t 100% sure it was him anyway.  It could have been someone else.  Later in the dream, though, I accidentally bumped into him, and when I apologized, he actually seemed really happy to see me again.  Also, for some reason, in the dream, I think he identified as a girl?  He went by a different name than the one he went by in real life.  I don’t remember exactly what we did together in the dream, but I remember us talking a little about the other part of the plot of the dream (we were at my cousins’ house who my ex apparently knew - I don’t think that’s true for real life as the only relatives of mine he met were my parents and sisters).  I remember feeling extremely happy that everything was back to normal and my ex and I were together again. 

However, it’s pretty late in the morning, so mom accidentally woke me up while I was still sleeping.  That was about fifteen minutes ago.  At first I was upset that she woke me up from such a happy dream, but then I realized that it was probably a good thing.  It’s been three to four years since I even saw my ex in person.  We broke up in high school, and I’ve just finished graduating with my bachelor’s.  About a year after we broke up, I realized I wasn’t even interested in dating guys.  While we’d been dating, and I’m not going to go into full detail about this since I feel like it would be rude to talk about his past gender identities while he’s not even here, he was questioning his gender, and today he identifies as a trans guy.  While we’d been dating, I’d been fine with any identity he had because I identified as bi and no matter what, he was still a person I loved very much.  I know it’s horrible that my brain was like “your ex identifies as a girl this time for some reason!” but my dream erased a lot more about him than just his current gender identity.  In the dream, it was just like in high school where we were happy, but after we broke up, I realized I dodged a bullet in that relationship.  On my end, I wasn’t great at communicating, and we were running out of things to talk about.  On his end... I wasn’t giving him the kind of intimacy he needed, and my fear of being intimate with him was what caused me to identify as ace for a while.  I’m not sure if that label is right for now, but it’s what I used to make myself feel better about the fact that I didn’t want to be so physically close to him.  Even though he would never have forced me into anything, I’m worried that I might have forced myself to be intimate with him out of fear of him leaving me, but luckily he broke up with me before I went that far.  And then there’s also the fact that I came across his tumblr... Yeah, I’m glad we broke up.

The dream shows that, despite how I’ve moved on in real life, I’m not completely over him.  I’m jealous that he’s dated a few people since high school (and apparently his school has a billion LGBT+ groups?  Then again his school is huge so no surprise there - I went to two schools that were much smaller).  I don’t really need a relationship right now as I’ve been busy with school, worried about what would happen if I were to come out to the rest of my family, and also, I just haven’t met anyone I felt that way about.  I’m fine with that - I met friends over the past few years, and I would rather have no relationship than a relationship that feels forced because neither of us had anyone else.  Still, I can’t forget that once in a while I see pictures of my ex and have to immediately look away because of the horrible pang it causes.  I may no longer identify as someone who wants to date a guy, but that doesn’t change the fact that, at one point, I loved my ex, and I think my relationship with him was part of the reason it took me so long to figure out my identity. 

Anyway, I feel like it’s odd that I had this dream now, considering I haven’t thought about him in some time.  If we met in real life, I have no idea what I’d think.  I’d have some angry things I’d want to say, I’m sure, but I wouldn’t say any of that out loud.  Despite how happy I felt in the dream, I know that he’s a different person now, or maybe he’s never been the person I thought he was.  I’m glad that, when I’m conscious at least, I’m aware of that.