#maybe she wasn't born to be a voice actor but she Was born to read audiobooks for me personally

[curfewplugs]

Kind of a shame Alison Lohman didn't get more voice work after doing the English dub of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind and knocking that into the stratosphere.

[seafearing]

ahh watched small things like these, spoilers, long rambles and such under

i really loved it; a small indie, understated and with a lot of tension to it. pretty much what i expected from an irish indie after having read the book as well. loved the childhood flashbacks, the child actor looked so alike older bill. it was really excellent casting, especially on a film like this with the allusions to how alike he looks to ned both as a child and older. i'll probably have to rewatch some point to take in all the details since i was watching pretty tired with my eye hurting lmao, but i still enjoyed it a lot. i loved the family dynamics and how they were shown with so little along with bill and eileen's relationship. it felt very lifelike, like a coat worn a thousand times. looved eileen walsh in this.

and the end where bill took back to the coal shed with the bag of fancy new shoes in his hand, implied that it's paid by the Mother since she paid for their christmas as manipulation to shut him up, it's the details like that that i really enjoyed, that bag in his hand is understated but says a lot

what i wasn't the hugest fan of was emily watson tbh, i didn't think her accent work the best, though she brought in a great presence. i read a review which implied that it's a bit of a cop out to have the part of the villain be played by a british actor and the inherent distancing to what irish people did in irish society in that. i can't say from the pov of the irish obviously, but her voice stuck out to me as less natural in the sea of irish voices in the film and took me out a bit. surprised she was longlisted for a bafta for this role

i loved cillian's acting in this but also i had the sense from reading the book that bill is more subterfuged, his thoughts not as visible on his face, but more underwater, under several layers of suppression. and i know cillian can do that, so ig it's a difference in interpretation. i am a book fan first after all. the stuttered, slow speech was at times a bit slower than felt natural in some way, idk, or maybe i'm just responding to how unnerved the film made me. since it did pack a punch as well though and it did make me tear up and remind me of the kind of quiet men from my childhood. i'll have to rewatch and see if i think differently

some things could have been more understated for me as well, like the mirroring of bill's mother sarah and the sarah in the coal shed. we already found out early on that bill's mother was called sarah and the scene where we find out the name of the girl in the coal shed was impactful for drawing the comparison, so i thought having the shot of the name on the grave wasn't needed. just stuff like that i'd prefer to be left more subtle because they pack more of a punch like that or give the viewer something more to discover on a second viewing

but i also appreciate that not everyone will notice details like that, and im not saying that im the absolute sharpest tool in the shed, but just judging by some reviews, some people didn't understand what i thought very straightforward and clear narratives in the film

like one reviewer said they didn't understand why the film just dropped the storyline with bill's oldest daughter and what happened to her and called the film disjointed for that. the scenes with bill's oldest daughter belied his fears from his pov; we don't know if something might have happened to her or would happen to her, and we're not supposed to know as the tension of him fearing for his daughters is a part of the film

i loved that the movie so clearly didn't portray him as a hero. he was processing being born out of wedlock and the death of his mother along with the absence of his father, a disjointed childhood that makes him dissociate through the film, and not saying that the compassion he felt for sarah redmond wasn't true, and yes, she's the only one who directly asks for him to help her, but the film clearly presents another layer as to why she is the only one in the convent that he hones in on. she mirrors his mother, they even have the same name. he thinks, if his mother wasn't helped, where would i be. (and what a thought that is looking through the lense of 2025 and the discoveries of the hundreds of buried babies and children in Tuam's convent's septic tanks etc) like there's altruism and compassion, following a sense of what's right and personal morality, but also a kind of self-centeredness to that, and i thought it mirrors how men are being told to relate to women: what if it was your mother, your daughter, your wife, because "what if this woman was a human being" isn't accessible enough. and that's really what i enjoy about the movie as well, because i took it as commentary on that, mirrored from 1980s to this day. and kind of sad how this is so important even today to see a man not be able to take a woman being abused in society, even if it's then through the literal lense of: what if this was your mother and in your breakdown this is your mother

i thought it ended perfectly as well in that silence as bill brings sarah out. you just know it won't end well for her and after the film mainly focusing on his breakdown, finally at the end we are faced with reality, and that's when the story ends. pretty perfect.

did have my stomach kind of drop at that uncharasteristic silence in the lively house full of girls being the end. and then the text of the movie being dedicated to so many women's suffering in the convents. fade to black indeed.

[bloomfish]

this show has absolutely floored me btw. i am agog. the themes were themeing, the performances were performing... i honestly think s2 was better than the first series and that's saying something because I really enjoyed s1. definitely one of the better tv shows i've seen in a while

i'm just gonna get out my thoughts so spoilers for s2 of iwtv

i was mildly spoilered on here but not in a way that matters ❤️ (also I'm not someone who cares about spoilers that much lol so I wasn't blacklisting) like it really made no difference, because the things I saw were either very predictable (claudia dying, lestat returning in general) or made no sense out of context and the main beats were still as impactful as they were meant to be, I think. I could NOT have predicted lestat returning the way he did, either in new orleans or at the (count olaf voice) theatre

speaking of the theatre, what a GREAT device that was. from a technical standpoint the set and visuals were absolutely gorgeous and just so effective. and SANTIAGO. what a delight to watch him on my screen. great chemistry with the other cast members. i particularly enjoyed how he was played off lestat at the trial, the tensions were crazy and you could see this guy who was used to the limelight being suddenly dimmed by lestat's command of the audience. his death was great but kind of a shame just because he was so entertaining to watch lol

lestat. like i said sam reid was born to play this character and he absolutely eats up the scenery like WHAT a performance, start to finish. ive seen some "discourse" about he sucks and i feel like that's not the point. they are all evil because they are vampires who kill people so let's start there. Anyway, he was brilliant as always, his vulnerability AND his exuberance and all of it. lestat they could never make me hate you❤️

the scene at the end between between louis and lestat amidst the hurricane in new orleans... i had my hand over my mouth the entire time, i was GASPING i was heartbroken. jacob anderson another impeccable performance as louis, absolutely smashed it. the chemistry between reid and anderson is WILD whenever they're around each other i am going insane

armand, i'm so obsessed with him. he really got to let loose this season after being somewhat understated for most of s1 and assad zaman DELIEVERED. boy did he deliver. i absolutely love him, i am naming my three children after him

claudia 💔 it was obvious what was coming since she was introduced in s1. delainey hayles brought such complexity to the role. i can't believe she's english like jacob anderson, admittedly my familiarity with new orleans accent is limited so idk how well they did. madeleine was also excellent. im insane about it

daniel molloy both younger and elder.... so good. loved seeing the friendship growing between him and louis and their history. loved seeing him and armand being insane in a room together. daniel molloy the accidental couples therapist that you are ❤️

other notes:

i am glad i'm not french because i think their accents would bother me lol. (gus fring breaking bad's spanish really took me out of what was otherwise a great performance). Even while not speaking French I could tell a few were meh, especially secondary actors. But I also know this must be difficult to do, and if it doesn't impact the performance too much it's fine.

the sartre cameo and daft punk reference.. im lmao. but apart from that the level of detail and care given to recreating post war paris... just phenomenal

i'm starting to think maybe i just like vampires. I was always like 'vampires arent really my thing and buffy is the exception' but idk idk maybe i'll read the books

[dogsofardour]

part one | part two

Just getting some Jotileen and Holiday Fluff out of my system :)

Oh! There's some suggestive-ness by the way!

In 1992, Father's Day was on June 21st. This was 10 days before Jolyne was born.

Of course, Jotaro and Eileen didn't exactly know exactly when Jolyne would arrive, but Eileen thought that the holiday was too close to her due date to not celebrate it!

Jotaro gave a big huff about it since he "wasn't a dad yet" but Eileen countered with how spectacular he's been to her (and by extension their baby) throughout the pregnancy! There for the appointments, the cravings, the crying, the grosser stuff and so forth! The amount of consideration, tenderness, patience and love Jotaro has given Eileen when she's felt so... So all over the place! Overwhelmed? Happy but scared? She couldn't have imagined a better boyfriend. Especially since Jotaro has been attending university on top of it (two full terms of research papers, readings, lectures, it's a lot even without a baby on the way). Somebody else would've surely buried themselves in the course work and not done much else. So, why not celebrate?

Granted, they couldn't do too much. Eileen was pretty heavily pregnant, and although her due date was on July 3rd... Yeah, she's exhausted.

A week before Father's Day, Eileen proposes that they can spend the afternoon at a nearby beach.

"You can nerd out about the local fauna while I chill with the biddy bug under an umbrella," she suggests.

"... I would like to see more Comet Stars..."

"And maybe you could find me another seashell?"

"...Maybe."

"You know I know that's a yes!"

The night before Father's Day Eileen found herself wide awake. Not unusual, since the little bug liked to roll and kick when Eileen's finally ready to hit the hay. The doctor said as her due date gets closer the baby should've been slowing down a little, but little Jolyne seemed to say otherwise. Eileen tapped out a little pattern where she could feel her little baby kick her stomach. The little bug really enjoyed it.

Jotaro's conked out beside Eileen, his nose pressed against her collar and his arm stretched across her shoulder. His breath is a nice warm puff against her skin. It was cute seeing Jotaro sprawled partially on her, and nice to feel his sleeping body against hers. Usually he climbed into bed long after Eileen.

She enjoyed it for as long as she could, but sooner rather than later Eileen had to pee. She slipped out of Jotaro's grasp carefully. He was a pretty light sleeper.

It's when she's washing her hands Eileen started to think about lunch the next day. The morning would be havoc, getting the towels, bathing suits, sunscreen, medication, go bag (just in case). It would be nice if lunch was already packed.

That's how she found herself in their kitchen at 2 in the morning, making a couple of recipes Holly taught her. Eileen didn't typically like to cook, but when it was for someone - it felt special. Soon enough, everything was tupperwared, and refrigerated if need be. Eileen felt more at peace. When she slipped into bed with as much grace as a heavily pregnant woman could muster, it was with a satisfied smile.

***

"--And give your mom an easy day, alright? She's been working hard for you," Jotaro's morning voice was the first thing Eileen heard.

She kept her eyes closed for a couple more moments, trying to keep her breathing even. It was always a treat to hear Jotaro talk to Jolyne when he thought nobody else could hear.

"I... We're really excited to meet you, and I just," he laughed a little, "I know you're going to be wonderful." He traced a warm finger over Eileen's belly. "Just like your sneaky mother."

Okay, so he knew she was awake, Eileen never claimed to be a great actor. Jotaro's stupidly handsome face smirked at her when she opened her eyes. Smug bastard.

"What time is it?" she asked through a yawn and a stretch.

"We have plenty of time, don't worry."

"Mhmm," she hummed. "B'eakfast?"

Jotaro ruffled her bed head, "I got it."

"Aw you really do care!"

Eileen could see the roll of Jotaro's eyes as he clambered out of bed, "Pfft. Whatever."

"'Whatever' whatever," Eileen stuck her tongue out at his retreating back.

Damn, his ass looked great in those dolphin boxers.

***

Eileen's late night lunching paid off, they made it to the beach by 11:45 with the glorious Sunday sun blazing down on them. The little grains of sand that made its way between Eileen's sandals and feet were scorching, but thankfully not too much of a problem.

It took a couple of trips from the car to their spot to unload everything (given that Jotaro refused to let Eileen carry anything other than their cheap beach ball), but in no time the couple were sprawled on their towels, taking a little break from all the movement.

The umbrella Jotaro had struggled with shaded both of their bodies, but Eileen knew something truly awful was on the horizon. The damn sunscreen.

"I can just stay here, in the shade, no catching rays, no problem? Eh?" Eileen offered, eyes on the dreaded bottle in her boyfriend's hands.

"If that isn't the biggest lie I've ever heard," Jotaro popped open the cap.

"Oh, what about this one?" Eileen challenged. "'Only the tip, I promise?'"

Jotaro turned beet red. "That's completely unfair!"

[aceofvernons]

15 questions, 15 mutuals

taged by @boochans ty for tagging me in so much stuff ilysm <333

1. are you named after anyone?

my name xanthe specifically has xanthe huynh as my namesake, she's a voice actor for a couple of my favorite characters and i also love the name so much ^^

2. when was the last time you cried?

earlier today, i was watching a game with a couple of my friends and we were all voice acting for it and we just finished the game today. there was a scene near the end of the game where two characters reunite after a really long time and it was very touching. the game is 'super lesbian animal rpg' if anyone is interested! (yes that is the actual name of the game)

3. do you have kids?

nope. not going to have any either. closest thing i have to one is my lovely demon winry, who's black and white and fluffy ♡

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

yeah i'd say so. i think i used to be snarkier when i was younger, but i'm still full of quips sometimes.

5. what sports do you play/have played?

ah, i haven't really played any sports formally, but i used to take taekwondo in middle school! sometimes i really do miss taking a martial art

6. what's the first thing you notice about people?

their clothes and how tall they are!

7. what's your eye color?

dark brown, if i didn't like dyeing my hair so often i'd be subject to the 'my hair and eyes are basically the same color' curse. it's not really a bad thing though imo i just like messing with my hair

8. scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings! i am unfortunately an overly anxious weenie who's got very little stomach for horror depite being one myself (/hj)

9. any special talents?

i think this counts more as a skill, but i've gotten really good at calculating time differences when i became friends with people who lived in different time zones from me. i also (roughly) remember the time differences of most places in the world from me. if that doesn't count as a special talent i also have the ability to recognize like every seventeen song ever for whatever that's worth.

10. where were you born?

i was born in one of the probably dozens of cities that surround los angeles, california. i still live in the area now, but it's massive so this doesn't mean much.

11. what are your hobbies?

i love playing video games, writing, reading, listening to music, and attempting to become the color blue. (the last one is only partially a joke)

12. do you have any pets?

i do!!! i mentioned her in #3 but her name's winry, she's 6, and she loves committing crimes against me but she's so lovely that i can't stay mad at her for long ♡

13. how tall are you?

i'm 5'0 or 152cm! the odds were stacked against me for my height, my body pushed me to the five foot mark then gave up ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

14. favorite subject in school?

uh, history? i guess? science classes were fun too when i wasn't being bombarded with numbers

15. dream job?

i really want to work as a researcher of some kind, helping people and maybe writing some studies. i wrote one in my most recent semester of college, and just the process of putting together information and trying to prove something new is really interesting. realistically though i just want a job that will be kind to my neurodivergent and disabled ass (doubtful)

i'm leaving this as open taglist because it's 3 am and i stopped doing a project for today and i ache from it </3 if anyone sees this and thinks it's interesting enough to do, consider yourself tagged ♡ but i probably will be going to bed after this

[bumblesimagines]

Still A Costa

Request: Yes or No

I haven't seen a single fic for this series on Tumblr. For anyone curious, since Bayardo (Ramon's actor) is 37 I'm gonna make Ramon 37 which means when (Y/N) was born, he was around 19.

~

'Yesterday night, Cassie Shore, a student at the prestigious Archer School Of Ballet, fell four stories down from the roof of the school. Miss Shore, who was an exceptional dancer and beloved by her fellow peers, is currently in the hospital in a deep coma. The director, Monique Dubois, has stated the following-'

"What a load of bullshit." (Y/N) muttered, shutting his phone off as he leaned back in his seat. Cassie Shore was hated by everyone. Nobody there truly loved her. They all hoped she'd break an ankle. (Y/N) felt the bus stop and grabbed his bag, standing up. He exited the bus, letting out a deep sigh. He never expected to be back in Chicago but his brother wanted him there. (Y/N) was much happier in Madrid. The mere thought of bumping into any of his old acquaintances gave him a headache. Unlike his brother, (Y/N) wasn't as wellknown. He was only eighteen yet he already had a job as a photographer. (Y/N) felt his phone vibrate in his hand, looking at the contact.

Mona

"Fuck off already." (Y/N) huffed lightly, rolling his eyes. He answered the call, walking forward as he pressed the phone to his ear.

"This is the twenty-fifth time you've called me this week and it's only Tuesday. What do you want?" (Y/N) asked, getting a taxi. Monique hummed. (Y/N) watched a car pull over.

"Is that any way to speak to an adult? Especially someone who practically raised you?"

"Ramon raised me. You were just his pedo girlfriend." (Y/N) said, putting his bag in the car and getting in. He moved the phone away from his face, quietly giving the driver the address.

"How's Madrid? I heard your brother ditched Paris and is back in Chicago. When are you gonna come back?" Monique asked gently. (Y/N) scoffed, leaning back in the seat. He turned his head slightly, watching the buildings pass by.

"Face it, Mona. You only call when you want something. What is it?" (Y/N) asked.

"I see Ramon taught you nothing but attitude. Fine. I was hoping you'd be able to convince your brother to choreograph for me. I see what he's done for Delia. He should do something for the school as well." Monique responded, the fake sweetness in her voice dropping. (Y/N) let out a small chuckle, shaking his head lightly.

"He'd never do it. Not even if I asked. Plus, he knows I don't care about ballet. He'd know you begged me to ask."

"I'm not begging-"

"You are." (Y/N) cut off, toying with the strings of his hoodie. "And even if I agreed, you'd have to give me something in return."

"You wouldn't do it as a favor to an old friend?" Monique asked.

"No. I don't have friends. Just people I know." (Y/N) replied.

"Was Cassie not a friend? You've probably heard about what happened to her by now. Are you not gonna visit?"

"Cassie and I are history. I have no business visiting her or trying to make amends. She's half dead, isn't she? I don't bother dead people." (Y/N) answered, annoyance in his voice as he got his wallet out and gave the driver some money. He got out of the car, closing the door and watching the car drive off. His gaze settled on Ramon's house, eyeing the front door.

"Always dramatic." He approached the house, opening and closing the door. He glanced around, sighing. He headed up to his old room, entering and finding it just the same as he had left it. Ramon was still young when (Y/N) was born and thrusted into his life. Ramon held resentment towards him during the first few years since his parents up and disappeared and Ramon had to travel around with a baby but as (Y/N) got older, the resentment was replaced with brotherly love. (Y/N) tossed his bag on the messy bed, looking over his bookshelf. Seemed like either Delia or Ramon had added more books. (Y/N) approached the shelf, picking up the new additions.

"Sharp Objects, The Bell Jar, White is For Witching, and House of Leaves." (Y/N) read the names aloud, humming softly. He put them back, continuing to look around the room. He only returned to Chicago to watch Ramon's debut ballet. (Y/N) sat on the bed, unpacking his bag. He took out his camera, placing it on his nightstand. He grabbed his phone, getting an uber and heading out. (Y/N) thoughts wondered back to his and Cassie's last exchange.

"Are you fucking serious? My brother?" (Y/N) stared at her. Cassie swallowed, shaking her head.

"It was a one time thing! When I graduate, I can have Ramon wrapped around my finger and it'll help boost my career!" Cassie explained, staring at him. (Y/N) scoffed, shaking his head.

"You have a habit of using Costas, you know that?" (Y/N) asked, looking away from her.

"I never used you. You were my best friend and-"

"And you used me to get closer to Ramon. I always wondered what went wrong. I'm glad we got that cleared up." (Y/N) ran a hand through his hair, unable to look at the girl. Cassie stepped closer to him.

"You're wrong-"

"I always knew you were a selfish bitch." (Y/N) muttered, walking past her and leaving the hotel room.

(Y/N) blinked, feeling the car stop. (Y/N) thanked the driver and got out, staring up at the old building. He closed the door and walked forward, gaze dropping to the dried blood on the pavement. He went up the steps, entering the school. (Y/N) stuck his hands in his pockets, heading up to Monique's office. Selena glanced up, doing a double take and quickly standing as her eyes widened.

"Mr. Costa, I wasn't-"

"Yeah, nobody knows I'm here. I want it to stay that way." (Y/N) said, opening the door and entering the office. Monique looked up from her phone, brows raising. She stood, taking off her reading glasses.

"Well, someone got here fast." She breathed out, dismissing Selena with a wave of her hand.

"I was already here when you called and ruined my mood even more." (Y/N) replied, glancing around the office. He plopped down on one of the chairs, arms crossing.

"So, Cassie pulls a Humpty Dumpty and you think my brother is gonna clean up the mess?" (Y/N) cocked a brow, watching Monique sit back down. She chuckled, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"A choreographed dance by him would pull people's attention somewhere else." Monique said, shrugging lightly. "Your brother has been ignoring me."

"I would too. You're really persistent and annoying." (Y/N) said, eyes sweeping over her desk.

"Any lawsuits?"

"The police declared it an accident."

"Was it?"

"I thought you and Cassie were history?" Monique cocked a brow, tilting her head. (Y/N)'s jaw clenched as he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, we are. I'm just curious if there's a potential murderer among the staff or students." (Y/N) shrugged.

"She's alive." Monique reminded.

"Barely. You think she didn't bust her head open when she fell? Who survives a fall like that?" (Y/N) questioned. Monique leaned forward, resting her arms on her desk.

"Why are you here, (Y/N)?" Monique asked. (Y/N) sat up, licking his lips as he stood up.

"I was wondering if anything changed at the school. Since you're still director.. That means nothing has changed. All the work you put into this school and still only medicore dancers graduate. You have a star dancer once every couple of years. Delia was the lastest one." (Y/N) shrugged, grabbing the edge of the desk as he leaned forward.

"Who's the next star?" (Y/N) asked, tilting his head. They turned their heads as the door opened and a girl entered.

"Neveah Stroyer." Monique replied. (Y/N) hummed, looking back at her.

"Let's hope she doesn't have a great fall." (Y/N) leaned back, stepping away from the desk.

"Neveah meet (Y/N) Costa." Neveah's brows rose, looking at (Y/N). Her eyes shined with excitement.

"I've read some of your books and seen the photographs you take. They're amazing." Neveah said, walking forward and shaking his hand. (Y/N) hummed.

"Maybe you'll take some pictures for the school." Monique said, smiling. (Y/N) hummed, looking at the older woman.

"I'd rather choke." He replied, giving her a fake smile. Neveah's brows raised, clearing her throat. (Y/N) walked past Neveah, opening the door.

"Good luck surviving with rats and sharks, Neveah!"

[oikirstein]

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 | Kuroken | Day 1

Synopsis: Kenma has has loved his best friend, Kuroo, for a lifetime. After a misfortunate occurrence which was photographed by the media, the PR team for Bouncing Ball Corp. decide that it’s a good idea for Kenma and Kuroo to play along with the public to increase the sales of their upcoming product release. Will Kenma be able to control his emotions, or will he lose his best friend in the process?

Contains: Angst, unrequited love, fake relationship

Posted: 12/21/2020

Word count: 3,342

Haikyuu Angst Week Prompt List here.

I have been in love with Tetsuro Kuroo since I was seven years old.

I still love him—eighteen years later.

Growing up as best friends, he was never a hard person to love. He looks out for me, brought me out of my comfort zone, hell, he’s the reason why I’ve grown into who I am today. I’d never admit that to his stupid face, though.

I was seventeen when I realized my love for him was more than just platonic. He was a year older than me, so by the time I started my third year, he was already off to university. The harsh reality of the situation finally weighed heavy on me when I waited outside of his house for thirty minutes and remembered he’s not coming anymore.

He called me later that evening apologizing, although he did nothing wrong, because that’s just the type of person Kuroo was. The next week he surprised me by waiting outside my door to walk me to school.

“I miss this,” he reminisced, staring up at the sky.

“What?” I turned to him, heart racing just a little more than usual, hoping for a certain string of words to come out of his mouth.

“Walking to school like this every morning.”

They didn’t.

I don’t know what I was hoping for. Maybe I wanted him to say he missed walking with me. I’m not sure whether I’d rather hear lies or the truth. That was the day I admitted to myself that he’d be the only person for me.

Now here we are, me at 25 and him at 26 sitting in my office with my publicist yelling at us for being so reckless in public. It was a misunderstanding, really.

“How could you do that at a party where you knew there’d be press coverage?” Kata was pacing back and forth while I rested my forehead on my crossed arms that laid on the glass desk and Kuroo leaned back in his chair on the other side of the table.

“Kata,” she stopped mid-stride and turned her attention to me as I muttered, “how many times do I have to repeat myself,” I lifted my head back up, “IT ISN’T WHAT YOU THINK.”

Kuroo found it difficult to hold back his laugh.

“I don’t think you should be laughing, Kuroo-san. You’re in just as much trouble as Kozume-san.”

He stopped laughing.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I think. It was never about what I thought. The point of my job is to make sure you look good for the public. Thats what a publicist does. Now the issue here, is that the public thinks you’re dating.”

“Okay, wow so all it takes is for me to fall, Kuroo to catch me, and some no-name photographer to snap a picture of us for us to be considered ‘dating’ now?” 

“Kozume-san if you play into this little charade, say for a couple months, just long enough for the new product to be released, sales will go up, and then you can just announce that you two called it quits.”

Was it really worth playing with my heart just to earn a quick buck? 

“No. I don’t want Kuroo to be forced to date me, that’s weird and embarrassing.” 

Kata walked forward and took a seat in the chair next to Kuroo before she leaned forward and rest her chin on her hand, “Here’s the thing Kozume-san, you two ‘dating’, doesn't even have to be real,” proud of her award-winning idea, she leaned back in her seat, arms folded across her chest, and a smug look written all over her face.

“So what you’re saying is to do this as a cash grab?” Kuroo seemed genuinely curious.

“Well somewhat. Think of it more like...fan service.”

“Hmmm...I mean if it’s a show they want then it’s a show they’ll get,” he reached over and smacked my back, “What do you say kitten? Be my scene partner?” he smirked.

Ugh. Why does he have to use those stupid nicknames that always make my heart flutter. My face was visibly cringing as i scrunched up my nose and scowled at him. He knows I could never truly refuse when it’s him.

“Fine,” I mumbled under my breath as I looked away.

Kuroo’s footsteps were light as he got up from his seat and went around the desk to sneak up behind me. He bent down and leaned in close towards my ear.

“What was that, puddin?” he whispered, his hot breath whipping through my loose strands of hair.

I jumped out of my seat and rubbed my ear with the sleeve of my jacket and he laughed his ugly, stupid, hyena laugh. 

“See! Look at that! You two aren’t even ‘dating’ and yet you have so much chemistry!” Kata said enthusiastically while clapping.

Of course we have chemistry. We’ve been best friends for eighteen years. Soulmates our whole lives. It was always easy to be around Kuroo. That’s one of the things I love about him. Why wouldn’t we have chemistry?

“Well, when you’ve been best friends with someone for like, your whole life, of course you’re gonna know exactly how to push his buttons,” his voice was breathy as he wiped tears from his eyes.

I didn’t realize it then, but I truly did sell my heart for pocket change.

A full month later was when we went out in public together as a “couple” for the first time. It was a simple brunch at a well known restaurant, but Kata made sure to anonymously tip paparazzi that we would be at that establishment. Together. It wasn’t even 30 minutes into our meal when we were bombarded with cameras.

“Today we are here with Kenma Kozume, the young CEO of Bouncing Ball Corp., and his supposed boyfriend, Tetsuro Kuroo, from the Japan Volleyball Association. Are any of you able to speak on the rumors spreading about the two of you?”

Kuroo had always been good at talking. He's been smooth with his words for as long as I could remember him. He was...a people person. The complete opposite of me, which is why we agreed that Kuroo would do most of the talking, should a camera crew show up.

He laughed, not the ugly hyena kind, it was an attractive laugh. That’s how I knew it wasn’t real.

“Well I mean we won’t confirm or deny anything right now, won’t we kitten?” he winked at me and suddenly all the attention was directed towards my direction.

Idiot. Two can play at that game.

“Im pretty sure whatever the public is thinking is probably true, hm Tetsu?”

I’ve never called him that before, so it was obvious he was shocked. Big eyes and blushy cheeks. We gave the camera exactly what it wanted.

“Is that a confirmation?” the man behind the camera was provoking us for an answer.

“It’s whatever you want it to be,” he smirked before taking his chopsticks back into his hand and grabbing a plate full of beef, “Now if you gentlemen will excuse us, we’d like to continue our lunch date.”

Satisfied with the content they would now be able to work with, the cameras slowly started retreating from the scene until it was just us two again.

“Damn maybe I should’ve gone into show business,” he smirked.

“Shut up, they might still be around,” I whispered while looking down, incase we were still being watched.

“How do you know I was talking about that. I could just simply be saying that I would’ve been amazing on T.V.”

“No you wouldn’t,” I replied, monotonous voice, as I took a bite of some barbecue and rice.

“Kenma, why do you have to break my heart like this? What if I was born to be an actor?”

“Uhm I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen an actor that has the same hairstyle twenty-four seven, three hundred sixty-five days a year.”

“That’s a technicality. Why should hair define my amazing acting abilities?”

“Then I want to see you shave your head and wear a wig.”

Kuroo froze in the middle of whatever movement he was making and just stared at the grill in the middle of the table with a horrified expression written on his face.

“You know what? Maybe I wasn't meant to be an actor...”

Outings usually continued on like this. We would have little interviews with paparazzi, slowly dropping more and more hints about our “relationship,” and once they left, we’d have breakfast, lunch, or dinner, like we usually do. I suppose to any outsider it would seem as though we were on a date, but I wouldn’t allow myself to call this pitiful get together as such.

I could pretend this was real. I could tell myself that Kuroo reciprocated my feelings. I could tell myself that we were truly in a relationship. I could tell myself I have a chance, but a mere sliver of probability isn’t worth risking our friendship. 

Since I was seventeen I accepted the fact that I’d be happy as long as he was in my life. I mean, he’d still smile the same. He’d still laugh the same. He’d still love me... 

I’m supposed to be content with what I have. It’s either we stay as best friends, or we go on as strangers, and I’d rather avoid the latter. So why do I feel such a tightness in my chest whenever we’re forced to go out together? Why do I feel so selfish for wanting more?

Two months went by until we had to make an actual appearance together at a party. Me under Kuroo’s arm like some sort of bittersweet candy. 

He was always good at reading people—especially me. Which is why he pulled me aside before we walked into the huge rental house. The only reason I agreed to show up was because it was Shoyo’s team celebrating their win against some team who’s name I can’t remember.

“You okay Ken?” he rested both hands on my shoulders with my back against the wall.

“Yeah, I just need a second.”

I never did like big crowds.

After taking a few minutes to breathe before submitting myself to the abyss of rowdy adrenaline-high athletes, Kuroo took my hand in his as we walked through the front doors together. It was warm. Like my fingers were molded to fit perfectly into his palm. Must’ve been why I felt so cold when he let my hand go.

As soon as the camera flashed and Bokuto called him from the other side of the room, he whispered an “I’ll be back kitten,” before joining the beefy player by the bar. 

I guess I’ll go find Shoyo.

It wasn’t long until I saw a bush of bright orange bobbing up and down through a sea of people.

“Shoyo!”

“Kenma!”

“Congratulations on your win.”

“Thank you! I wouldn’t want to disappoint my sponsor,” he winked, “Do you want to step outside? It’s a little loud in here.”

Whether he means to or not, Shoyo’s always been good at making sure people feel comfortable.

“Uhm, Shoyo?” I grabbed the hem of his shirt and tugged a little to get his attention.

“What’s up?” he practically had to yell over the loud music and the incessant yelling of the surrounding people.

“Can we get a beer first?”

A smile spread across his face, “Of course, just wait for me by the fire outside.”

I followed his instructions and sat in one of the red lawn chairs that snaked around the circular bonfire.

“How’ve you been?” the ginger said while handing me an opened beer and sitting in the chair next to me.

“I’ve been alright. Things are running smoothly for the product release—”

“I didn't ask about how work was, Kenma,” he interrupted, “How are you?”

“Oh. Uhm...I’m keeping it together.”

He leaned back in the plastic chair and took a sip from his drink, “So you and Kuroo-san, huh?”

I looked around to make sure no one was near us. I could never lie to Shoyo.

“Barely,” I mumbled as I, myself, took a big gulp.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s an act. All because of a misunderstanding from a few months ago.”

“Well did you have a choice?”

“Not really.”

“That's unfortunate. I thought you would’ve told him how you felt by now.”

“Wait- what do you mean ‘how I felt?’ You knew?”

“I may not be that bright, but I have eyes, Kenma. I can see the way your eyes gloss over when he calls you one of those cute pet names, or the way your cheeks redden when he does that weird laugh at your jokes.”

“Hmm... You’re more observant than I thought, Sho.”

“So why haven’t you told him?”

Just thinking about confessing scared the shit out of me. All I can imagine is the disgusted look on his face when I tell him. The scenario plays over and over again in my head—the one where he walks away and fades into the background. I don’t know when I started crying, but I had only realized it when I heard the glass of Shoyo’s bottle tap the ground.

“What’s wrong?”

I wiped the hot tears from my cheeks with my wrist.

“I guess I just love him too much to lose him.”

Two weeks after that party, we had another meeting at the office.

“This has been going great so far!” Kata exclaimed, obviously proud of her idea, “Have you ever thought of being an actor?” she teased Kuroo.

“See! That’s what I’ve been telling Kenma, but apparently my untamable hair is standing in the way between me and fame.”

“You’re already all over the news, idiot.”

“And all thanks to my little kitten,” he walked over to my seat behind my desk and peppered my cheek in kisses.

“We’re not in public, you can stop acting all lovey dovey,” I spat. I didn’t even think about my words until Kata’s effervescent expression changed into a state of confused shock. She wasn’t sure how she should react to my outburst.

“W-what? It’s all fun and games, Ken,” Kuroo was taken aback by my response as well, but he hid it much better than my publicist.

“It always is with you,” I got up and walked out of office. I couldn't take it anymore. All this pretending and toying with my heart. I felt bad for blaming it all on Kuroo, when he couldn’t have possibly known about my feelings, but it was easier to blame him for my pain than to admit to myself that I’m a coward. 

I rounded the corner and continued on my way to the vending machine to get an energy drink. Those always seemed to put me in a better mood.

Kuroo knew me well. Who wouldn’t after eighteen years? That’s probably why he knew exactly where to find me.

“What the hell was that, Kenma?”

I pulled up the tab of the can and let the hiss of carbonation fizzle out before I took a sip and leaned against the wall.

“What was what?” 

“You’re little scene in there? What’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on.”

“You’re lying to me.”

 I looked off to the side, my eyes scanning every row in the vending machine, “I just think it’s time to call quits on this charade we have going on,” I responded dryly.

“Huh? Why? It’s only a couple more weeks until the release. Why end it now?”

“I’m tired, Kuroo. I don’t want to have to pretend all the time anymore.”

I was never an emotional person, so I knew that in this moment Kuroo knew something catastrophic was going on inside my head, for me to put myself before the potential success of the company.

“It’s just for a little while longer and then we can go back to normal, okay? Can you just hold out until then?”

“No. You’re not listening to me. Why the hell do you want to keep doing this. This doesn’t benefit you in the slightest.”

“Because I love you,” my heart rate went up at these words although I knew he didn’t mean them in the way I wish he did, “You’re my best friend and I want to see you thrive.”

“Why are you always putting yourself on the line for me?”

“Putting myself on the line? What are you—”

“I’m so selfish! And then you over here,” I rolled my eyes at him before kicking my weight off the wall, “You constantly give but you never take!”

“I don’t see the issue with that.”

“You’re too good for me,” I looked to the ground because I knew that if I looked up into his gorgeous hazel eyes, I would definitely cry. 

“That’s not true—”

“Yes it is and you know it,” my voice was on the verge of cracking from how tired I was from arguing.

“You know what? You look like you need some space. Think about things okay? I’m only a phone call away. I’ll see you at the launch party,” he walked away.

The day of the launch party was a bore. Just a bunch of business men in suits and the growing anxiety in the pit of my stomach, for Kuroo had yet to show up like he promised. 

It was half-past twelve when I stepped outside the venue to get some fresh air. The second I opened the doors was when I saw him pacing back and forth, deep in thought.

“Kuroo?”

“Kenma! I’m so sorry about what happened a few weeks ago—”

I did nothing but hugged him like I was going to lose him.

“Why are you apologizing? I was the one that had a tantrum.”

“Well you’re not the only one that got mad.”

“Let’s go for a walk?”

He nodded and draped his heavy arm over my shoulder before he took another step.

“Well so far sales have been good. Almost linear.”

“I’m glad I was able to help. So this is the end, huh?”

We both stopped in the middle of the side walk. I didn’t want it to end. The handholding, the hugs, the camera kisses. I wanted all of it. I so badly wanted all of it to be real. Maybe it’s because I spent half the night drinking, or maybe it’s because his midnight hair ricocheted the moonlight ever so perfectly, that I felt a courage rush through me like never before.

“Why does it have to end?”

“Didn’t you say like three weeks ago that you wanted to end our little ‘relationship?’”

“I don’t mean it like that. I mean,” I unwrapped myself from his limb and stepped in front of him, “I’m in love with you, Tetsu. I have been for eighteen years.”

A piece of my heart cracked when he took a step back, face pale, and eyes widened.

“What?”

I wanted to take a step forward, but for some reason, my feet were glued to the ground.

“I love you.”

He smiled assuringly before he laughed to lighten the air. The same type of laugh he’s used to fool reporters. 

“You’re my best friend, Kenma.”

“I know. I’ll never be more than that, right?”

“You know I love you,” I wouldn’t dare get my hopes up again at those words, “You’re like a little brother to me.”

Damn. Is this what it feels like for my heart to be so irreparably shattered? Physical pain spread from my chest throughout my body. To the tips of fingers and toes.

“I—” he started, before giving you that diabetes inducing smile, “I should go.”

I watched him walk away. It was a vision from my worst nightmare. When did it all change? Is this what my selfishness was bound to lead to?

What was supposed to be a simple marketing tactic, turned out to be a fate worse than death. I was heartbroken to think he was my soulmate, but I wasn’t his.

© all content [unless stated otherwise] belongs to gellysticks 2020. do not modify or repost.

reblogs are greatly appreciated :)

[chocolatemin]

LIGHTS, CAMERA, OFF-SCRIPT!

note: so hello!! i'm officially back at writing after a six-month long hiatus, special thanks to my friend who supported me and now i finally over came my writer's block!! also, thanks to that spongebob episode that inspired me to write this!! and also, i can't insert the keep reading button, it doesn't work )):

word count: 4.0k

synopsis: You were part of the university’s theatre club since freshman, you used to act and perform on stage until he came, you were on your mid semester during your second year in college. You suddenly turned down all the roles offered to you and chose to work as part of the scriptwriting and stage directing team. You thought no one would notice, but boy, you’re mistaken. Now that the other lead is sick, who will act in her stead? And one more thing, you don’t hate him, do you?

Ever since Beomgyu joined the theatre club, you stopped participating on acting. You always get chosen for the lead roles and you often refused, opted for supportive roles instead. There was only one time that you only agreed to do the lead role because the play was focused on mystery more than romance. The play was very successful and you are glad you didn't have to do those overly romantic and intimate scenes. But now that he's in the same club, you started to reject all the acting roles.

You were there on his audition as part of the judges and you saw his potential and talent. All your co-judges were convinced that he will be a great lead for acting. Not only he has stunning looks but he delivers the lines well and he has great facial expressions; in short he became the star of the theatre club.

Meanwhile, you shifted to be a part of the backstage. You worked in the scriptwriting and stage directing. It's not like you hated him, but you wanted to avoid being his lead. You were afraid that you might end up being paired up with him, now that you agreed to be a lead role even if it was only for one time. The president of the club told you that she wouldn't let you refuse the lead roles anymore. The theatre club became more popular because of you and the president wanted to return your help by giving the roles that will suit you perfectly- being the lead.

Let's just say that Beomgyu caught your attention since your freshman year. He wasn't very popular that time but you always noticed him. He always stood out in your eye and maybe, earned a tiny bit of crush on him. You were afraid to make mistakes while acting on rehearsals and on stage just because you were nervous having him around.

Not until this time.

You are all gathered in the backstage to prepare for the play that is set on the next few hours. The final rehearsal took place last night so that everyone wouldn't have the need to carry all the props, costumes and make-up again today. You had finished checking if there is missing on the belongings of the club that were left at the backstage last night.

Everyone is busy setting up. You were helping the props men to carry and set up the props on the stage. You returned to the backstage to see a commotion. The crews are panicking while the actors and actresses look confused.

"What is this commotion all about?" You asked in a loud voice enough for everyone to hear. Everyone turned their heads to your direction, even Beomgyu, but you were quick to avert your gaze.

"We have a problem! The lead actress caught a fever due to exhaustion and she won't be able to make it today!" The president told you with phone in her hands and visibly shaking, "What are we going to do now? Our play is within an hour and a half! We don't have enough time, we are-" You rushed to her side gave her shoulders a rub that helped tense body relax. "Jia, please calm down. We'll see what we can do." You mumbled softly while rubbing her back slowly and turned your head to the others, "And please, everyone, get back to preparing. We'll take care of this." Everyone went back to their own businesses as if nothing happened. While you and the other directors dragged the president towards the backdoor.

"We have to find a substitute to Wendy." The vice president spoke in as-a-matter-of-fact manner.

"We need someone who can act and sing," the Artistic Director calmly stated, "And someone who can memorize the lines easily." You can feel the tension between the four of you as your chest started to rise and fall. Your breathing started to get heavier each second that passes.

"What are we going to do now?"

"But what if we get someone who is already familiar with the lines, someone who actually knows the dialogues of that character..." You all looked towards the president. Your eyebrows knitted in confusion. "What do you mean by that?" You asked.

"Oh, wait! I know someone!" You looked to your side and saw the Artistic Director filled with excitement, she looked as if she just won a billion-dollar question.

"I know someone too," the president trailed her eyes on you, "Do you know someone who might be able to substitute Wendy?" You tilt your head to the side, eyebrows still knitted and confusion visible on your face.

"Uhh, I don't?" Your eyes searched for answer in their faces and they seem to have one.

"It's you." The president spoke, "You know the lines since you were in the scriptwriting team."

"But we don't have time to rehearse!" Your breath hitched as you spoke,"I can't-" Yeonjun, the vice president, interrupted your sentence, "You DON'T need to rehearse, it's you who wrote that character's lines. You should know the feelings and how to convey it properly."

"I am afraid I might make mistakes!"

"You used to act in front of the whole school, you were even the lead on the play that made our club more popular and loved. It's not like the audience would notice that, right? It will only get noticed by the audience if you let them." The Artistic Director argued, "We know you can pull that off."

The president stepped in front of you and held your hands, "Please, you are our only hope..."

You bit your lip, having no choice, "Fine. Just let me scan the script before the play starts."

"Thank you so much!" She hugged you and tears started to pool in her eyes, "I'm so glad you agreed." She wiped her tears as she spoke, "Let's get back to work, shall we?" And you all nod.

You head back to the backstage and saw the actors busy rehearsing their lines, without actions. The backstage is noisy but they all noticed that the four of you are now walking back towards the backstage.

"What happened?" One of the stage crew asked as soon as you reached the messy room.

"Well good news! We already found someone to replace our lead." The producer, also the president, happily made the announcement. "But we don't have time to do a dry run!"

"We don't have to do a dry run." Yeonjun answered.

"What?!" Everyone is shocked by the Yeonjun's words. They all look confused as their eyes darted towards the four of you and silence filled the room.

"Who is going to replace Wendy then?" Beomgyu asked quietly out of nowhere, his deep voice echoing loudly in silence and he added, "Is there someone who can memorize all the lines within an hour? And the play will run for almost three hours."

"Beomgyu is right. The play is quite long and so is the script." One of the actors supported.

"There is someone who knows the script and had it memorized." The Artistic Director answered, emphasizing on the words someone and knows, "All we need to do is to try fitting the costume."

"Who is it then?" Beomgyu asked.

"It is..." The president trailed off, and the three directors pointed at you. Beomgyu's eyes widen and everyone landed their gaze on you. Their stares instantly made you nervous and gave you goosebumps.

"May I ask why?" One of the actresses spoke.

"Well, she is the one who wrote that character's lines. She had it memorized. So we don't have to worry about that."

"But like Jay said, we don't have time to dry run."

"Of course, she knows how to convey the lines, she wrote the script; She used to be one of our actresses before, right? Of course she can act." Tension filled the air as everyone looked skeptical about having no dry run with the new lead.

"Please, trust Y/N and our decision."

"Okay, then let's start the fitting now." One of the members of the costume design team went over to you. Eventually, everyone went back to minding their own businesses.

"Please follow me." She smiled at you before picking up the costumes on the clothes rack and followed her. She ushered you the fitting room for girls and quietly closed the door behind you. She scanned you from head to toe, as if a robot memorizing your physique in an instant. "So, as I took a look on your figure, yours and Wendy's size don't seem to be that different from each other, however, you still must try fitting these clothes to see if we need adjustments."

"Oh, alright."

You finished fitting all the clothes and exited the room. Yena dragged you to the make up table and asked you to sit down, "Since we don't need to make adjustments, I will apply make up on you now. The costumes fit you perfectly so we don't need to worry about that." You nod and she started doing your make up. She applied the cosmetics carefully on your face. She took pauses between and squinted her eyes, checking if she put too much. Soon, she started doing your hair too. After a while, "You're all set now! Let's get you changed into your costume."

On the other side, Beomgyu can't help but to feel nervous and excited at the same time. Finally, his dream is slowly becoming true. He wanted to be your lead actor that is why he auditioned for the theatre club. Every time he watched the theatre club's plays every year, he can't help but to notice how stunning your performance were, even if they were supporting roles only. Until one time, when you played the lead role, he watched you in complete awe. You definitely stood out during the play; you were so beautiful, mystifying and alluring. You played the character very well, as if you were born to be on the stage. He was very jealous of the male lead, wishing it was him instead. That made him determined to join the club.

This experience for him is very nerve-wracking, not only because the play is different from the usual but also because his long-time crush, since freshman year is finally his lead. He can feel the blood rushing to his cheek due to excitement. He borrowed a mirror to one of the crews and checked his face. They didn't apply too much make up on him since his face is naturally glowing, and from the mirror, he can see that his face is flushed and his ears are as red as cherries.

"Beomgyu, are you okay? You seem bothered..." Soobin, one of the supporting characters, and the one who used to be your male lead, asked him.

"I'm fine, it's just that I'm so nervous..." Beomgyu spoke quietly, afraid that someone might hear him. He looked around to see if anyone is paying attention to them. But Beomgyu looking at your direction for several seconds longer didn't go unnoticed by Soobin.

"Ah, I see. I know you can pull it off, especially that Y/N is your lead." Soobin teased, he enjoyed how the younger reacted. He smiled as he saw how Beomgyu's eyes widen. "So that's why."

"Please don't tell anyone-" "that you're nervous because of Y/N?" "Yeah- no! That I'm nervous, you know, I'm not usually like this, the play is just so different from the previous ones. And this is just my second time being the lead, I am used to being the supportive role." Beomgyu started rambling which made Soobin laugh. "Why are you laughing?!"

"You look so funny. I promise, I won't tell anyone..." Soobin raised his right hand beside him and looked like he is taking an oath while Beomgyu relaxed a bit, "that you like Y/N." Soobin trailed off before laughing and Beomgyu threw him a dirty look, "I didn't say anything, how can you jump into conclusions like that?" Soobin just shrugged and patted the younger's shoulder before walking away towards the producer. A heavy sigh escaped Beomgyu's lips as he took another glance at your direction. You looked so gorgeous even with your hair just halfway done. He looked down and shook his head. There's no way he wouldn't get nervous.

"Thirty minutes left!" The producer announced startling everyone with her loud voice. Thirty minutes seem to pass quickly and soon the play started.

The show is now nearing its end and your last scene is next. You are on the backstage walking in circles until you are stopped by Yeonjun. "Why are you so nervous?" You turned to look at him in the eye, "It's been a while since I last performed on stage. I'm nervous that I might make a mistake at the end."

Yeonjun took your hand and rubbed circles on the back of your palm. "Come on, I know you can do it."

You smiled at him, "And oh, Y/N, are you ready for the kissing scene?" "Yes, of course- what? Kissing scene!?" To say that you became more nervous is an understatement, your hands are literally shaking against Yeonjun's and your face is all red. "Yeonjun, I don't know how to kiss!" "What?!"

"What is the problem here? Why are you two shouting?" The president stepped closer to the both of you. "We are NOT shouting; we are simply shocked." Yeonjun rolled his eyes.

"Y/N doesn't know how to kiss!" Jia laughed, "and what is the problem with that? Beomgyu can lead!"

"No! Beomgyu and Wendy did not rehearse the kissing scene because they were too nervous during rehearsal. Plus, I think they don't look good together so it's fine that they did not do it." Jia elbowed Yeonjun's side, "What are you talking about? I didn't ask for your opinion on Wendy and Beomgyu!"

"Sweet cupcakes, what do I do now? It's the next scene!" You are shaking, you do not want to mess up, especially at the end of the play, and also not with a scene with Beomgyu.

"Y/N, please standby. You'll be on stage in five." The crew behind the curtain reminded you.

"Y/N, I have an idea." Yeonjun blurted out, a grin creeping up on his face. "What now?"

"Practice it with me!" Yeonjun winked at you shamelessly, raising his brows to tease you more. "What the hell?" Jia exclaimed, "that's disgusting, Yeonjun. Go kiss Soobin instead!" You sighed, not knowing what to do.

"Y/N! It's your turn now." You nervously looked at Yeonjun and Jia and wore your mask before heading to the stage.

"We wish you luck Y/N..."

"Mademoiselle, you came." Beomgyu, who is sitting on the bench on a garden, looked at your direction. He stood up and took slow but big strides towards you. He offered his hand to you and you gladly took it.

"If it wasn't for the prince." You smiled at him, "So what is it that you want to tell me privately, my Prince?"

"I have something for you, Mademoiselle." He put his hand inside his pocket and pulled out a ring, "This is for you, Milady... If you'll let me?" You nod and he raised you hand, putting the ring on it. The ring perfectly fits your finger. He knelt to the ground and kissed the back of your hand. You stared at each other's eyes, full of emotions that you weren't able to tell to each other. He stood up and took his mask off; you can't help but to stare at how gorgeous he looks after he removed the mask that hid his beautiful features. Beomgyu leaned closer to your ear, "Now, Mademoiselle, will you please close your eyes?"

You closed your eyes and felt his hand remove the mask that covers your face. This isn't part of the script! You thought to yourself. The only thing you can hear is your heart beating loudly inside your chest. You became more nervous each second that passes and you felt his breath fanning near your lips. You feel his hand snake around your waist, pulling you closer and a pair of soft lips touched yours. Your eyes shot open as a reflex and you saw Beomgyu with his eyes closed. You were quick to act and closed you eyes, bringing your right hand on his chest and your left on his nape. This is not part of the script either. You felt his lips moving and you tried your best to reciprocate the kiss. Never did once it crossed your mind that your first kiss will be like this.

You pulled away just as your eyes fluttered open and stared at Beomgyu's pretty eyes. You were blushing furiously, you can feel it, and everyone can see it- so does Beomgyu. You can see that his ears are red and his cheeks are tinted with pink. You both smiled to each other and you thought to yourself, is this still part of the script?

Beomgyu is having the time of his life. Sure, he is nervous but as soon as he saw you walking back to the stage, he immediately gained confidence. He knows he will not embarrass himself in front of you. He feels like his heart is going to jump out of his chest, he is too happy. Not only he get to be your male lead, but he also get to hold your hand, dance with you and even kiss you.

All of a sudden, a sweet orchestral music started playing quietly, as if it were from a ballroom hall near the setting. Beomgyu knelt to the ground looking like a real prince, offering his hand to you, "My lady, may I have this dance?"

"Of course, my Prince." You took his hand and he stood up, pulling you closer towards his body. He wrapped his arm around your waist and his other hand holding yours. You put your free hand on his shoulder and you started dancing. Fortunately, you were thought waltz as part of joining the club. It is necessary for the actors to know the basics of singing and dancing, especially ballroom.

Beomgyu and you danced, oblivious of the audience, as if you were the only ones in the auditorium. You danced and twirled around the stage forgetting that you were still onstage, you looked at each other with adoration and love; which are the two things you can't say to each other. Everyone went off-script as they realized that you are lost in each other's eyes and there is no way the play is going to finish by itself. The president started to narrate and the technical team lowered the volume of the music. You heard Jia's voice and you realized that you and Beomgyu were dancing for too long. You are both quick to pick up what is happening and continued to dance for a little while before stopping on the middle of the stage, still holding each other, exactly just as Jia finished narrating.

Beomgyu smiled at you, his eyes twinkling with happiness, "The moon is beautiful, isn't it?"

You are baffled, to say at least. You are literally grinning from ear to ear. "I can die happy."

You heard the audience cheer and applaud. The lights on the stage turned off and everyone gathered for the curtain call.

After the play, you and Beomgyu couldn't even look at each other and kept distance. You can't believe that you just confessed on stage, and everyone in the club knows that it is not part of the script. They cooed as soon as you entered backstage. They all gave you knowing looks; you were annoyed and embarrassed at the same time, especially Yeonjun, he kept on teasing you. The officers asked for a group photo with the different teams, the actors and the last few photos including all the members of the theatre club. The professors entered the backstage to congratulate everyone for the successful play.

The play is far the most successful one and for the theatre club's record, you beat the most successful play, which was the first ever play that you participated as the lead role. It started trending on the university's page within minutes just after the performance.

"Hey Y/N, don't think I am just teasing you because of the play and how you went off-script. Did you know that because of you two, we all went off-script too! Also, don't think that I didn't know your crush on Beomgyu. You literally avoided him everytime, I just don't know why everyone doesn't notice it. Since Beomgyu joined the club, you started working backstage which is very sudden." Yeonjun flashed you a smirk. You heave a heavy sigh, defeated, "Yeah, you're right. I like Beomgyu that's why." You admitted, there's no way Yeonjun would let you live either.

"Yes! I knew it!" Yeonjun laughed loudly attracting everyone's attention. You smacked his arm lightly, telling him to stop.

From the other side of the room, Beomgyu has been staring at you two, he is annoyed at himself, for not being able to bring himself to talk to you. You looked at his direction causing you both to blush and quickly averted your gaze at the same time. Yeonjun noticed it and smiled to himself.

"Y/N and Beomgyu sitting on the tree-" Yeonjun started to sing in a childlike voice which annoyed you and made you blush even more. You covered his mouth with your hand and apologized, "Ah, please forgive this annoying old man. Please don't pay attention to him, he doesn't know what he's saying."

You gave the guy beside you a glare. "By the way, we have an after-party tonight at 10! See you everyone!" Everyone cheered on Jia's announcement. She shoot a wink at your direction and you are thankful for Jia's save. You all continued packing up and returned the things to the theatre club room.

The after party is held on Jia's house, just like the usual. Jia's house is big enough to handle a big club like yours. Everyone is having a blast while you, still cannot get over on what you did at the end of the play, is sitting alone at the kitchen eating your pizza. You sighed and shook your head recalling your confession. You were so absorbed in yourself that you didn't notice the footsteps coming from the living room.

"Y/N?" A gentle voice came from behind you. You looked to see who it was and immediately regret your decision. "Oh, Beomgyu. Hi." You started fidgeting and you became uneasy, there is no way you can look at his face after what happened. "I wanted to talk to you..." His voice is shaky and almost inaudible, you can feel that he is nervous. "About what?" You finally locked your eyes with him. "About the thing I said earlier."

Beomgyu is nervous, his hand is shaking and he tries to hide it from you. Silence fall upon as he mustered up all the courage and spoke confidently, "I mean it and I like you."

"Oh, uhm, I was actually- I like you too." You mumbled quietly but enough for him to hear. After hearing those, his confidence became overflowing and he feels proud of himself, taking steps to close the distance between the two of you, "I figured out you do too, based on your response at the end of the play."

"Well, uhm, I-" You stuttered and couldn't bring yourself to create a sentence, Beomgyu thought you looked cute in a flustered state. "I'm sorry, it's just I didn't know how I'm going to face you after the kiss..." You spoke, words getting softer and softer each time. "Oh, was it your first time?" Beomgyu had a smug look on his face as he put emphasis on ‘first time’, "Uhm, yeah..."

"Don't worry, it's mine too." He grinned at you, he looked so adorable and handsome especially up close.

"I have one more thing to ask you."

"Go ahead."

"Will you be my star?"

[stitchasvgheart]

Honestly though. It's not just the men's reviews. Think about it. We women read reviews like people. We read ten reviews. Maybe two are by women. We don't comment on this unless men say something that isn't factual like, "women write all the reviews and men are being oppressed."

We just read reviews to decide if we'll see a movie at all or to choose a movie in the theatre or wait for a streaming or disc release. We don't really put more effort into it than that. Most reviews published are from male voices. Whatever. That's the industry. We can make our own minds up. But here's where the problem shows up.

When a movie with a female lead or all female cast shows up, the number of male reviewers jumps from a male dominated industry to a male tantrum hellscape. Professional reviewers who skewer the film but do so some a professionally trained standpoint are suddenly painted as liberal lefties because they understand cinema and weren't harsh enoughfor the tastes of the angry, violent men.

We saw this with Captain Marvel. The movie wasn't out yet and men were threatening rape and murder in less than a week on a review site. Because a woman was a lead in a superhero movie about....A WOMAN. Ghostbusters had threats in their reviews. Over a shitty movie. Because Women were in the remake. The original was shit. The remake was shit. But no one threatened to kill anyone when the first piece of shit featured chubby, nominally talented, corny fucking male actors. So what the fuck happened? Men happened. Again.

Why do everyday men snub films that appeal to women UNLESS WOMEN ARE LEADS IN A FIELD MEN CLAIM FOR THEMSELVES?! I don't see male tantrums for some stupid Rom com. I even thought period dramas were safe from the male tantrum. But then men shocked me (a new feeling for me) and brought their "women can't be superheroes!!!!!!!" Vigor to.....Alias Grace.

Alias Grace is an exploration of female roles in the early to mid 19th century. It's a thriller novel in letter and correspondence form that slowly plants dread and horror. The novel is based on an actual murder and the lead character, Grace Marks, is a monster. The Netflix series managed to pull empathy for Grace's plight before clobbering the viewer with Grace as a serial killer who only had the small number of victims she had because she was caught. Guilt crops up and confusion is part of the narrative. It's a fantastic show. Cinema sometimes proves its worth and can beef up a novel even though it's a rare occurrence. This is one of those cases.

I thought, "finally, a period film that confronts the 'but she can't be wicked...she's a girl' trope so often found in narratives from the past!" I thought men would be thrilled. A female serial killer far more cunning and cruel than typical narratives. At least incels and MGTOW would be thrilled....right? Wrong.

They were just as mad. Why? Because a female serial killer doesn't follow a patriarchal narrative of female roles and expectations. They were livid that Grace Marks was human enough to be evil. How the fuck does a brain manage to pretzel that badly? It's not that all male opinions are shit. It's that male opinions can't see past themselves and now instead of reading reviews and going about our day, women are now suspecting just about any man of being a complete idiot. This isn't fair or the right response. But what else were women going to do? If a woman can't be a serial killer in cinema because the historic event and it's retelling challenges the patriarchal model enough to destroy it, then patriarchy is the weakest and most pathetic thing we've ever seen. If a woman is born, patriarchy failed it's narrative. If a woman can be a movie star, patriarchy takes a hit. If a woman can be evil, patriarchy is done. It's not our fault seemingly intelligent men keep picking the most impotent methodology on the planet.

The female cast is not the problem. Movies are not the problem. Jobs are not the problem. And women are not the problem. The problem exists among the men and their emotional and silly attachment to patriarchy. They just aren't trying.

My letterboxd review for birds of prey