#maybe not but it occupies an adjacent vibe to me

[ooglywooglies]

honestly the subversion of confirmation bias is one of my FAVORITE things to talk about, this kind of plays into stuff like the (non) existence of ghosts, spirituality, prayer, gambling, so much like the mechanisms of our mentality and shortcuts the brain takes to comprehend things is pretty interesting itself

husband trying to explain to me how lucid dreaming works and accidentally mentioned that scientists dont really know "why we dream" and i had to go on a tirade about how there is no "why" we dream, only that we do. there is no biological function we have that exists for any purpose, it simply exists and has side effects which may or may not prolong our lives

i know that immediately sounds pretentious but i think its if not a helpful framework to approach topics like these from then at least an interesting one. like i like to talk about evolution a lot and ive found this framing is one of the best ways to explain how it actually works to people, like my favorite example is probably the spider tailed viper, it has a caudal lure that when moved in a specific way looks JUST like a spider crawling around (which it uses to trick birds into coming into striking range) and when people see it they ask "how does the snake KNOW what a spider looks like in order to copy it" and i love this question so much because it doesnt! evolution is the mutation of genes over many many generations, it has no goals or intentions, its completely fucking random. eventually an animal may have such a significant mutation, a really good example is an individual suddenly presenting a gene which makes it a different color than the rest, because this is something that can happen very quickly. and that mutation may create advantageous opportunities for that animal to live at least long enough to reproduce and potentially pass on the same mutation to its offspring, like if it is more or less camouflaged by its sudden color mutation that will affect its ability to survive (albino animals tend not to live to pass on their genes because they are easily spotted by predators or prey, and i might be wrong but i think albinism is recessive anyway)

so with the snake what happened was it may have had a normal snake tail, and one day a baby snake was born that had a gene that made some of the scales on its tail stick out or be a bit longer than the rest. maybe this created opportunities for it, but it probably didnt, it probably didnt affect its life much in any way. but it was able to reproduce and pass off its weird tail scale gene to its babies, and at some point a baby was born with even WEIRDER tail scales, completely randomly. this cycle continues until either the tail becomes advantageous or disadvantageous, one day a baby snake is born with a tail that birds seem to be attracted to, it catches a lot of birds, giving it a more reliable and easy food source than the other snakes, it finds a niche. the snake thrives, reproduces and passes on its gene, over time the mutations that affect the snakes tail prove more and more advantageous for catching birds in this new niche so the tail becomes more refined with trial and error (the snakes with less appealing tails are more likely to die than the ones with more appealing tails) and eventually you have a snake with a tail that is SO successful because it is SO appealing to birds it just looks exactly like a spider. the snake had to do no learning to accomplish this, it was simply benefited by random chance over generations.

so back to the dreams thing, we dont dream for any particular reason. because no biological function exists for any particular reason. even the fact that you eat and sleep is not out of any pure desire its born of instincts formed by your genes formed by your ancestors genes formed from nothing for no purpose. you happen to survive, you have a desire to survive but that desire isnt tangible. anyway, its kind of silly to suggest that "scientists dont know why we dream" because yes we dont do anything for any reason BUT its just a more honest question to ask "what are the benefits of dreaming" because it doesnt frame scientists as fools who know nothing about dreaming. theres plenty that scientists and by extension us, the rest of the population know about dreams, including benefits of it. dreaming can help us process emotions and memories experienced during the day, this may or may not help us to prolong our lives thats something we dont really know. are there other side effects to dreaming? are there negative effects? i dont know, im not really someone who has studied dreams a lot so im not the right person to ask.

i just think those questions are a lot more interesting.

also this is generally unrelated to the "why" question but i like to point out that dreaming is a pretty common symptom of sleep in a LOT of animals, and a sleep-like state is so common that you could even argue that plants experience something similar. at least in function, where you know organisms spend their active period of the day collecting energy and having experiences and stuff and then in their inactive/rest period is basically when they do all of their growing/nutrient using. since dreaming is a symptom of sleep its probably a function that involves the growth/compartmentalizing of emotions/thoughts/memories. i think ive read that your brain creates more neuron pathways whenever you sleep and its probably likely that dreaming could be something that helps stimulate that process. idk, like i said im not a dream scientist and i dont have google open either im fully just making shit up rn.

[liesmyth]

Any fiction recommendations? I’ve repeatedly read Locked Tomb, natch. I’d love something similarly brainwork inducing but maybe a touch lighter. Also not fantasy or sci fi…I need something to listen to while I do a ton of chores, and those can be hard (for me) because the unfamiliar proper nouns get confusing. :/

anon!! I'm terrible at reccing anything based on “if you liked TLT” because TLT is like five different genres in a trench coat, but I TRIED (⭐) Here are some brainworm-y recs that aren't sff — where by brainworm-y I mean that they stayed with me for a while after I finished them, but aren't overly confusing. (most of them are books, but available on audio)

Podcasts: a tumblr pal recced me the deviser based on me liking the eldritch elements of tlt; it's short and horror-y, and I really enjoyed it.

I haven't checked out the new TMA yet but I see many TLT peeps who are enjoying it (or S1 of the original The Magnus Archives could be a good entry point if you haven't ever listened to it)

TV: Unfortunately I hardly ever watch live action stuff BUT if you haven't seen either IWTV (the series not the film) or Yellowjackets, I do rec those! There's a lot of overlap between these fans and TLT fandom on my dash. His Dark Materials also goes hard and you might enjoy it (dysfunctional characters! worldbuilding! religious weirdness!) but it has more sff elements than other stuff I've recced. Oddball out of nowhere but The Great is a fun show if you enjoy the meme moments of TLT + people being gleefully horrible + having feelings despite your best intentions

Animanga: Utena (!!!!!) also Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, which occupies a very similar space to TLT in my brain

Books!

✧ I went through my “women unhinged” goodreads shelf and found some books that are avaliable in audio format, and might appeal. These are wildly varied in scope and ngl the criterion was just “at least one person (besides myself) who enjoyed tlt also this book” and the similarities stop there. It's all vibes baby! Still, I tried

my heart is a chainsaw by stephen graham jones (horror, slasher), bunny by mona awad (horror, wildly unhinged), the witching hour by anne rice (horror, gothic)

matrix by lauren groff (historical, lesbian nuns), anything by sarah waters (historical fiction + lesbians), rebecca by daphne du maurier (historical, gothic)

the plot by jean hanff korelitz (litfic, thriller), sadie by courtney summers (thriller, coming of age). anything by gillian flynn (thrillers with terrible women).

✧ I really enjoy Tana French thrillers for the strong sense of place, great prose, and the complete emotional turmoil of her character-centric narratives. If anything sounds up your alley, I enjoyed the witch's elm + dublin murder squad series. They're murder mystery procedural but the messy characters really elevate the novels. Available in audiobook also

✧ American Elsewhere, technically scifi but set in New Mexico. Somehow, cosmic horrors who have taken over a quaint little town and worse! They are enforcing HETERONORMATIVITY upon it! They also have tentacles. The main character rocks

✧ Sundial by Catriona Ward: insane, gripping psychological horror. A mother and her unsettling daughter take a trip to the isolate desert ranch where the main chracter grew up. Surrounded by unsettling science experiments

✧ A Touch of Jen by Beth Morgan: when the parasocial relationship is so strong, it accidentally summons a hellmonster from another dimension

✧ SFF adjacent, sorry, but set in the real world (historical, tho) — Cuckoo Song by Frances Hardinge, a middle grade novel with fairytale elements that gave me more brainworms than any kids book ought to, mostly because I LOVED the main character. She occupies a very similar place in my brain as Gideon does. This is actually the only book on the list that I'm not sure is available in audio format, but if you get a chance and it's up your alley, I'd check it out

I hope there's at least ONE thing you'll like in here! lmk (also. lmk if you don't have access to a way to borrow audiobooks but would like to)

[ofmermaidstories]

If you don't mind me asking- What is the dr*monies and the r*ylos thing about??

so the short of it is that people are selling physical copies of fics on etsy at an insane ($100+!!) cost without their writers permission, and in response to that violation, said writers are taking their fics down.

this is mostly contained to the dr*monies!! or at least it’s only them i’ve seen it affect. 🥹 i’ve seen outraged threads about it on twitter and devastated videos on tiktok (one of the authors is fairly popular, i think, and had a WIP going that now the readers of will never know the ending to 🥺) and—like, i’ve also seen people panic that this is going to kickstart a gutting of varying fandoms but tbh i think this is a very uniquely them problem LOL. like i said earlier, the dr*monies and the r*ylos occupy a really interesting space in fandom where they are so strictly straight—and it like, clearly resonates with the booktok crowd, the same readers who made smut in cartoon covers shoot to the top of best seller lists. so then you have videos about the single most popular dr*monie fanfic, manacled, taking off for it’s “dark romance” vibes, and making it viral within those circles—and then those readers, who maybe didn’t care for h*rry p*tter fanfic before but liked senlinyu’s dollhouse interpretation of these characters, go on to read and make super-popular other fics in the pairing. but that’s the problem, you’re introducing people who might be new to fandom and it’s conventions to a community they haven’t operated in before—and they’re coming from this like, really consumer-driven space where people post like… book hauls! bookstore vlogs (my personal fave lmao)! so then they see someone binding manacled out of love, for themselves or a friend who’s a big fan of it, and then they want a copy! so that creates a demand. and it just kinda—it snowballs from there.

it’s really interesting to watch, especially bc i do think the x reader community will be mostly safe from that flavour bullshit lmao. i feel for the writers involved, of course—like, senlinyu has announced that she’s going to pull manacled from ao3 within the next year, i think, because it’s being reworked into an original premise for publication. and while i have such an issue with both the dr*monie and r*ylo communities for basically inviting publishers to treat fanfic communities like untapped money making machines, there wasn’t much else sen could do to protect herself or her work. 🥺 like—she was the first target of all this nonsense! people were—are still, tbh—making money off of her work, without her seeing a dime and also opening her up to the possible legal action from the lawyers behind such a property.

tbh the real enemy in all of this is capitalism. 😩 fanfiction is one of the few, free things we still have that we can do whatever we want in it. there’s no censorship here, thanks to having archives like AO3. you can be as experimental or weird as you like, and there’s not going to be a studio or a publisher behind you going, “no, you can’t write that, it’s too risky, it won’t make money”. and idk!!! i think it’s a space worth protecting. and even though i think the fanfiction is in danger takes generally end up being alarmist, i do think it’s worth keeping our eyes and ears open—to keep up with what’s happening in adjacent communities. even if it’s just so we know what to watch out for, in our own.

[zed-sabre]

I’ve often heard the expression “Space Grayson” thrown around in regards to Kyle Rayner - my question; is that a fair description of Kyle’s personality? And, in your opinion, should/could Kyle and Dick ever successfully occupy the same space? Either on a team (JLA, Titans, etc), or even just as a one-off team up?

I think the urge to label characters as Bat-adjacent is odd? Like yes, DC is dominated by Bateverything, but other characters do exist in their own merit.

And maybe Kyle attracts Grayson comparisons because, of the Lanterns, he generally embodies the idealist role, like how Dick is usually boxed into being the least dark of the Robins. Also they both have black hair and a lot of girlfriends.

But, and I do not know how to put this excerpt by way of ~vibes~ because I'm not a writer, Dick is like 'oldest sister and performer' vibes and Kyle is 'Art Student(tm) and only child' vibes to me, imo. No, I will not elaborate.

Dunno if they'd make a good team, but honestly Kyle and Jason are already so much funnier when they're together.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

On the subject of Hellsing AUs- or casting in this case? I feel there could be something to Repo! But Hellsing, they feel at least a little adjacent vibes-wise, but the furthest I've gotten is like Seras probably picks up Shilo's place. (And maybe Roti Anderson/the Iscariot trio as the kids.)

Hmm I feel like Repo! kind of occupies a similar space in terms of sheer edginess, vague themes, and the subculture it appeals to but I’m not sure there’s a ton of story overlap. Hellsing’s cast is kind of sparse tbh, so AUing them is a little tough, unless we’re drastically changing the plot and character dynamics.

Personally I feel like if anyone should be Rotti Largo it’s probably Arthur? Or hell, maybe even Integra.

The Hellsing Organization has the strongest overlap generally in terms of “An empire has been built but wtf are we doing with it once the head’s been cut off?” No idea what that makes the kids tho. LOL what if we made Rotti be Van Helsing then Richard and Arthur can be his cringe fail children.

Integra is incredibly not an Amber Sweet type oh my god. But I guess we could make room for her there with some drastic alterations to the character’s role? Walter can still just be a butler I guess.

Conversely I could def see Anderson as Mr Repo Man himself. He has the strongest conflict wrt “Would prefer to just be a dad but also has a blood thirsty calling.” I love his Iscariot kiddos though so I’d probably still give him the orphanage bc why not!

Seras as Shilo def makes sense, 1:1 ingenue. Alucard as Graverobber perhaps?

No idea who would fit in as Blind Mag… very arbitrarily I’d say Rip Van Winkle bc she fits the bill of dying horribly and also having a thing for opera. But it truly has nothing to do with her as a character.

Idk how the story itself would work though. The Repo! plot straight up doesn’t… make sense. (harvesting organs that violently seems like a horrible idea) And because it’s a Hellsing AU I’d want to fit in vampires somehow? Maybe something a little Trinity Blood esque in terms of achieving vampires through #science and that mix of futuristic and gothic. But yeah the finer details are eluding me atm

[lepertamar]

speculation........i spent a lot of time being super frustrated at the weird insincere forced knots the narrative of the stars that rise at dawn gets into in order to make lucifer Correct and The Perfect Help And Answer eliya and yenatru Needed All Along despite none of these claims actually......bearing out by the events of the narrative (also the author describing them as ’dorky and adorable’ in some promotional bits which is the most aggressively Off description i could possibly think of) but......i wonder. see me being jewish, it’s like. i think a lot of jews do not care about lucifer in terms of ‘fallen angel rebelled against g-d blah blah’ becuz.............well for one thing lucifer isn’t from our myths, even though fallen angels are. but ALSO i think a big reason we often don’t care about him, and why lucifer or equivalents never really arose in our mythology and our satan is so different and so non-central compared to the absolute centrality of christian satan, and the way the evil eye, malicious/harmful demons, etc are so different from anything like christian lucifer/satan, is because, i’d venture to say....................that’s our schtick!!!

that’s a little glib but, arguing with g-d, being people who have been laden with sufferings due to disobeying g-d, arguing with g-d, making community in exile and scattered away from our temple or other tangible cores of g-d-connection in a broken world, the claim that being a people who must argue with G-d and whose history of having to deal with the consequences of this responsibility was Important Actually, arguing with g-d.........uhhhhh that’s kinda baseline, dutiful, not-even-edgy jewishness. human jewishness. it is compliant with even Your Old Stodgy Uncle’s Jewishness. NOT that most jews would phrase it that way, and definitely usually in the ‘traditional’ normie-jewish sense of this struggle being an illustration of reverence of G-d’s superior wisdom and authority and exhortations to our obedience to It. but that just kinda proves my point imo! 

anyway, xtians popularizing some Big Shot Angel to define and occupy this schtick and niche that in judaism is occupied by 1) jews 2) more jews 3) pre-judaism humans 4) many of the textual aspects of........well, G-d. lmao. but then christians ALSO characterizing this whole niche as Cool and Blasphemous and Hot and about a superhero-vs-supervillain (regardless of which figure is which) battle between the poles of G-d vs a wannabe-god angel with humans as the helpless passive meat being fought over, instead of the tension/battle being between G-d and jews, with jews (and maybe other humans), not some angel, as the main agentive pole #2 who is in tension with G-d as pole #1.......it’s........well becuz of this, i think a lot of jews find lucifer as trope, archetype, or mythological character, to be kind of unnecessary-feeling, not particularly subversive, possibly even a bit invisibility-inducing or irritating, and overall just not very emotionally arousing or evocative (positive or negative) as a concept. lucifer is kinda presumptuously savior-y even. displacing us from our role maybe. jesus-y perhaps.

buttttttttttttt i can see why xtians and culturally xtian readers, in particular, who are the type of reader to be big fans of lucifer or satan in an xtian role, would..........be WAY more open to accepting many chapters of argument about (very Very good ideas about) the nature of souls and selfhood, IF it’s coming from the mouth of a continually stated to be sympathetic lucifer. whereas they would hateread the same thing with deep suspicion if it was coming from a G-d-aligned character (also becuz ex-christians appear fundamentally incapable of parsing G-d-adjacent as ‘jewish’ instead of christian or the nonsensical idea of ‘judeo-christian’). anyway i guess this hypothetical xtian reader would not have the capacity to notice that in Stars lucifer is pushed as a straightforward priestly mentor who bestows Truth, while G-d and his harem girl are the characters with personalities/vibes closest to Fun Villain tropes (and have slightly antihero/antagonist-y (affectionate) roles, despite also definitely not being villains). 

my OWN perception of sehhinah-lucifer as a rigid prescriptivist spouter of a deeply christian interpretation of body-soul dualism and soul-essence inert purity as truer than life and acts and consequences (all only made narratively interesting through the lenses of trauma and ironic meta role reversal) is........probably largely very similar to what a rebellious culturally xtians/ex-xtian reader would’ve perceived if instead it was an unfallen g-d-loving angel who was saying those things. (and doubly so if such a book also had a foil in the Devil burning people’s eyes out in exchange for showing them the secret knowledge and beauty of creation’s power source. lmao lol.)

anyway my point was: i’m coming from a position where the pre-existing concept of lucifer the myth has no real potency to me whether positive or negative, just vague familiar obviousness and sort of western society overexposure. (in fact, while this may be a tangent, to demonstrate the heterogenity of responses to cultural tropes.....i’m far more viscerally elated by the series’s transgression of more locally culturally dominant taboos (locally culturally dominant to me, a second-generation-immigrant partly-non-ashkenazi jew) — e.g. taboos against apotheosis-style polytheism, or taboos against stuff like a) greedily and presumptuously begging for and maiming oneself with G-d’s beauty without being directed to do so by G-d, or even worse, without doing anything useful with it, and breaking your community ties and duties to pursue desires. or b) the ‘strip textual consequence of all slippery projections of connotations and consider why it could actually happen’ instead of a just-so-story mechanism of how and why angels fall in general in the sehhinah world, or why G-d would ‘smite’ people. these are some of the most rattling (in a good way) and mental-code-rewriting of this series’ concepts!!!!!!) and yet i’m also a position where i do just.....assume almost all abrahamic fantasy nowadays that isn’t either 1) explicitly specifically jewish or muslim, or 2) deeply trad and shit, or both, to be lucifer-sympathetic if lucifer comes up, becuz like, duh! 

so my cultural location doesn’t lend any air of a narrative convention, suspension of disbelief, extra-narrative validity to lucifer the character. sympathetic-lucifer is about as boring and conservative a base-assumption as evil-lucifer in both in my jewish context (where ‘lucifer exists and has a central role’ is kinda pointless and irrelevant) and in my edgy lefty american fiction context (where ‘lucifer is sympathetic’ is The Dogma and not a subversion of a dogma).

[turquoise-stones]

Edge of Insanity Pt. 3: Closer

yandere!Todoroki x fem!reader

Previous Chapter

. . .

"Good morning everyone…" you yawned, slipping into your seat. It was early in the morning (earlier then you would have liked) and homeroom was about to begin.

Uraraka walked in a moment later, frowning at your slumped over form. "What happened to you (y/n)?"

You let out a groan of exhaustion which only caused the concern on Uraraka's face to grow.

"She had to stay late in the library yesterday because some children made a mess." Todoroki explained from a few seats over, remembering the chaotic events he had witnessed yesterday.

"Uh huh…" you sighed, running a hand through your messy hair and resting your cheek on your hand so that you could look at the two of them. "And then there was math homework and history notes and a science lab and English reading… urg."

It had been a couple of weeks since you had first transferred over, and you were starting to get comfortable with your new classes and classmates. And while the class was exponentially harder than your old one, you couldn't say that you missed General Studies. In Class 1-A, you felt welcomed. You didn't hate waking up in the mornings anymore. Even if your muscles were always in pain from training, your mood had improved so much because school wasn't so emotionally draining anymore.

"You could have texted me for help!" She admonished.

"I thought about it… but by the time I started you were probably asleep already…" you yawned out, causing Uraraka's mouth to drop open.

Even Inomata hadn't spoken to you since that first day. You briefly (very briefly) entertained the idea that Shinsou had spoken to her, but decided that he was probably too aloof to go out of his way to protect you like that. Maybe she had reformed her ways! But knowing her, probably not.

But the best part of it all was the people you were now surrounded with. They radiated positive, hardworking energy that was so infectious that you were more motivated than you had ever been. Your friends (and you were sure to call them your friends now) had adopted you into their group, and made sure you weren't ever alone. Iida mothered you and helped you with work, Uraraka kept you smiling and cheerful, Midoriya helped you train and pushed you to be stronger, and Tsuya grounded you with her down to earth vibe. Even Shinsou made an effort to talk to you. After being surrounded by negative people for so long, you had forgotten what it was like to be a happy student. It felt too good to be true.

And of course, you gravitated towards Todoroki. As Uraraka had said earlier, he really did go to the library after school each day to study. Every time you peeked out from the kid's section where you worked, he would be there, typing away at his laptop, doing worksheets, and you even caught him napping once or twice. It had taken a lot of nerve, but about a week in you finally pulled up a chair next to him after your shift ended. You weren't quite sure what compelled you to do it, maybe a mix of curiosity towards him and a slight crush.

The first few times you sat with him were nothing more than studying and helping each other with homework. You had a pretty good background in English and helped him with that, and he helped you in the areas where you were struggling. But you didn't like studying as much as you liked it when he just talked with you, in those hushed library whispers, about anything and everything. It was it the depths of those conversations where you learned that the two of you got along surprisingly well. You enjoyed the same books as him, watched similar shows, had similar aspirations. Your personalities meshed together so well, and made talking with him was so incredibly freeing. Those quiet moments in the library were the only times when you (sparingly) saw him smile. He never brought up that moment in the cafe, and you were happy to keep it that way.

And your relationship with him transferred into the school day as well. Your friends had noticed how you chose to sit next to him during lunch, how you chose to spar with him, how the two of you left school to go to the library together. They didn't say anything, but sent each other knowing looks whenever they caught the two of you together. It was heartwarming, how fast you had adjusted to class.

. . .

Right before lunch, Shinsou stopped you as you exited the girl's locker room. He was slightly out of breath, and still damp looking from his after gym shower. You raised an eyebrow at him, a little freaked out.

"I need to talk to you." He hissed, grabbing onto your wrist and tugging you away from the stream of people. "Right now."

. . .

Todoroki's eyes suddenly stung like hell, which snapped him out of his daze. After washing out the soap furiously, he leaned back into the shower water and scrubbed out the shampoo with a heavy sigh. Like it had been for the past couple weeks, his mind was occupied with thoughts about you. Your words from that day in the cafe had kept him on edge. They were so… off-putting. Yet when the two of you talked, you seemed so happy and normal. Were you just exceptionally good at hiding your problems? Was he being dense? Or was he just reading too deep into things? He couldn't understand what was bothering you, and he felt that it was out of his place to ask outright after seeing how badly you reacted the first time he asked.

Either way, he could not deny the oddly protective way he felt about you. After all, you were sweet, very charming and even cute at times. He didn't quite know how to deal with the outpour of strange emotions he was feeling for the first time. Turning the water off, he stepped out and dried himself, before shrugging on his school uniform and making his way out of the boy's locker room. He wandered towards the cafeteria, thinking about the cold soba he was about to enjoy, before spotting your figure further down the hall. He watched as Shinsou flagged you down, pulling you around the corner and out of view.

He frowned at the sight, wondering why Shinsou of all people would need to talk to you. You shouldn't be going off with people alone, especially not Shinsou, who could manipulate you and make you do things you didn't want to... He had grabbed your hand… was it your hand? He couldn't tell from so far away. Either way, he shouldn't be touching you. Todoroki had half the mind to follow you and make sure you were okay, but stopped himself. Shaking his head in frustration, he tried to clear his mind of those thoughts. What was wrong with him? You could talk to whoever you wanted, and he had no right to follow you around. Plus Shinsou wasn't going to hurt you or anything… right? Someone bumped into him and Todoroki realized that he had stopped moving. He glanced at the spot where you had disappeared one last time, conflicted, before choosing to go to lunch.

. . .

Shinsou pulled you further and further into the school before choosing an empty classroom (there were quite a few since it was lunchtime) to enter.

He pushed you out of the window's line of sight before finally turning to you. You snatched your wrist out of his grip and rubbed the slight pain away.

"What the actual hell Shinsou?" You hissed, glaring up at him.

"Don't you know what people are saying about you?"

"What?"

"Well I'm glad I get to break the wonderful news to you." He said flatly. "Apparently somebody made a post hinting that a certain someone paid their way into class 1-A. They didn't name any names but… well let's just say that nobody thinks it's me."

You blinked at him, dread slowly creeping in as you processed his information.

"Are you… are you joking…?" You asked quietly. He wasn't smiling. "Are you actually serious? What the hell…"

"Yes, I'm serious. The post blew up and now literally everyone except you seems to know."

"How did you find out?"

"An old friend from General Studies told me."

You felt nauseous suddenly, and sank down into one of the chairs next to you. Did your friends know? They couldn't yet, since they behaved so normally this morning. You opened your mouth to speak but shut it again when you realized that you didn't have anything to say.

"It's not true is it?"

You glared icy daggers at him, furious that he even had the nerve to ask. Your expression was enough to make him step back a bit.

"I'm sorry, I just needed to make sure." He walked to the other side of the desk, sitting down opposite you. You took a calming breath.

"Who posted it? Was it Inomata?"

He shrugged. "I'm guessing. I don't follow her social media but I don't see who else it could be."

"And people… people believe her?"

"She's pretty popular and she didn't say your name explicitly so people are coming to their own conclusions." He stated, running a hand through his hair.

"Christ. Why… why why why. I thought this was over. Why can't she…" you groaned in frustration, pulling your knees to your chest and tucking your face into them. You wanted to cry. Your emotions were swirling and you felt like throwing up.

"I'm… I'm just so done with this. Why does she hate me so much? Why can't she just leave me alone?" You despaired. "I… I don't even have the money to pay rent every month. How can I even pay someone off…"

Shinsou shifted uncomfortably, feeling like he should comfort you but not knowing how. A quiet moment passed and you squeezed your knees tighter, not wanting to look up and see him judging you.

You heard him shift to the seat adjacent to you. "It's alright (y/n). When you work as hard as you have, people are bound to be jealous. This will pass because they're nothing but rumors. So stop crying."

You hadn't even realized you were crying until he told you to stop. Your eyes burned and your cheeks were flushed with anger and shame.

"(Y/n)? Are you listening? Look at me."

You took a large, shuddering breath, lifting your head up slightly to wipe at your eyes, briefly looking at him before turning away. "Sorry… I just…"

He said quietly that you shouldn't apologize.

"Thank you for telling me. I'd rather hear it from you than some stranger in the halls."

He nodded, and the two of you fell into silence for a bit as you calmed your breathing and slowed your tears.

"What should I do now?" You murmured.

"You should tell our class before they hear it from someone else." He said.

"O-okay. But not right now." You said quietly. "Can I be alone for a while?"

He nodded, giving you a hesitating pat on the shoulder before exiting the room.

Next Chapter

[winchester-purgatory]

Doomed | Dean Winchester (1/5)

New Orleans, Louisiana

Upon arriving at the crime scene, the Winchesters knocked on the victim's door and waited.

The rundown apartment complex gave off a perfect spooky vibe with its sketchily-stained concrete floors - blood, perhaps - and the stinging smell of death coming from the staircase. Maybe the article was just about some junkie having hallucinations?

Regardless, they had to check it out.

According to the article Sam had read online, a young woman in New Orleans, Louisiana had been the victim of a gruesome home invasion in the middle of the night. She came home from a night out with her group of friends to two strangers standing in her living room: a man in his forties and one in his late twenties. The younger shot himself in the head first, followed by the elder. The neighboring apartments confirmed having heard two gunshots, but there was only one body when the police arrived on the scene. During the interrogation, the woman's description of the second man corresponded to the house's past owner...who had been cremated three years ago after commiting suicide the same way.

The last line got Sam and Dean to pack their bags and climb into the Impala, ready for a good old classic ghost case.

Dean knocked again, in case it wasn't loud enough the first time, getting impatient. Sam gave him a look, straightening up when he heard the door handle wiggling.

A young woman with long ginger hair opened the door, pulling her eyebrows at the two suited men standing on her doorstep. ''May I help you?''

Sam was taken aback by her glamorous appearance - stockings, black dress and polished makeup. She looked nothing like the building they were standing in. It could also be an act, a sort of costume. After all, he didn't know what she did for a living. All he knew was that she looked very out of place in this ratnest.

''Cordelia Chase?''

''Myself.''

''Agent Plant and Agent Page, FBI,'' Dean introduced, holding up his faux badge licence. ''We're here for the home invasion/double suicide.''

The redhead glanced at their badges, confirming their FBI licences, but was nonetheless confused to see the agents on her doorstep. ''The case is closed. I already made my deposition and the police didn't believe me for the second man. They said there would be no further investigation.'' She scoffed, shaking her head. ''After all, there was only one body...'' she added in a lower voice.

She made a point, Sam noted.

If their suspicion was correct, the second man was the spirit of the past owner who died committing suicide in this very appartement. But, they couldn't exactly tell Cordelia the truth.

The brunet shared a look with Dean, who whipped out an excuse.

''Local police closed the case. Not the FBI,'' Dean corrected smugly. ''We've been assigned to take over.''

''We don't make the rules, Miss Chase,'' Sam explained, supporting his brother's lie. ''May we come in? We'd like to ask you some questions.''

She nodded, offering them a small smile and opening her door wider. ''Sure.''

The brothers stepped inside and Dean did a double-take, glancing again at the redhead, silent-whistling at Sam as she walked in front of them, her dress hugging her body in all the right places. Glaring at him, Sam smacked Dean's stomach, bringing him back to business.

''Would you like something to drink? Water? Coffee? Tea? I should have some in a cupboard...'' Cordelia kindly offered, passing by the small kitchen area.

Sam was subtly checking out the place in detail, looking for ectoplasm or other signs of the supernatural in this apartment, doing his part of the job as they followed the redhead to the living area for the interrogation. Jobs were much easier when men were the victims. At least he didn't have to remind Dean to focus on the job instead of the victim's physique.

''A coffee would be appreciated,'' Sam responded.

Cordelia nodded and headed behind the kitchen counter, turning on the kettle to boil water for Sam's coffee.  

While she was occupied elsewhere, Sam and Dean took a look around the cramped apartment. Just like the rest of the building, the apartment was barely holding up. There was a hole in one of the walls, as if someone had punched it, and the curtains were replaced by old sheets pinned up.

Walking into the living room, Dean noticed the blood stain on the wooden floor, barely faded despite the bleach that must've been used to scrub it off. Blood was a bitch to get off, he knew that.

''How long have you been living here, Miss Chase?'' Sam swiped his finger on the bookshelf near the hallway, frowning at the heavy amount of dirt that seemed to be on all of the furniture, as if the place hadn't been occupied for a long time.

''A couple weeks. I'll be frank with you, this apartment wouldn't have been my first choice, but I didn't have much of a choice. There was a flood in my old building,'' she explained, pouring the water in the mug, watching as the coffee grains dissolved in the hot water and turned it dark. ‘’Take a seat.’’

The two brothers shared a look before sitting on the not-so-fresh looking floral couch, a stench of old fabric filling their nostrils as they sank into it.

Sam thanked Cordelia as she set the mug on the small table before sitting down on the armchair adjacent to the couch, resting her manicured hands over her lap.

Once again, her well-mannered behavior struck Sam a certain way. Something felt off, but he couldn't pinpoint what.

''So, Miss Chase,'' Dean started, clearing his throat, causing his little brother to snap out of his trance. ''We've read your deposition and you said you walked in to the first man shooting himself and falling to the floor. You saw the second man pick up the gun and bring it to his temple, but closed your eyes the second you saw him press the trigger.’’ Cordelia nodded and Dean pursued. ‘’I don't mean to trigger you, but did you see the other man shooting himself? Did you see him fall to the ground?''

The young woman shifted, blue eyes cast down, feeling uneasy and slightly nauseous at the memories. ''No. I closed my eyes and ran out the second I heard the gunshot. I...I didn't want to witness a bullet going through someone's head.''

''Understandable,'' Sam agreed with a tight lipped smile. ''It could be possible that the second man, the elder one, missed his shot and fled. Do you have a balcony or a window that could be big enough to escape through?'' he questioned, glancing around.

Cordelia shook her head. ''No balcony. One of my windows is broken and sealed with wood, and I doubt someone can pass through the second.'' She stifled a short laugh. ''And, even if he did - no offence to my elders -, but I'm on the fifth floor, sir. Do you really think a man in his fifties could live through that fall and run away?''

Admittedly, she wasn't wrong.

''It was a theory, Miss Chase,'' Sam explained. ''We, just like you, are trying to figure out what happened. We have to think of all the possibilities.''

.

After leaving Cordelia's apartment, the Winchesters decided to separate.

Dean went back to the motel to research information about the victims, hopefully finding a connection between the younger victim and the ghost - even a name would be good - while Sam headed to the first floor to have a talk with the building's owner. An old man in his mid-sixties named Clifford Harrison - very lucid for his age. His white hair was pushed back and his pants were held by suspenders in a classic old man style.

The surprise on his face when he saw an FBI agent at his door was clear as glass. The man knitted his eyebrows, totally clueless about the agent’s motive, but didn't argue and let him in. After all, he was an agent of the law.

''I'd like to ask you questions about Lucian Stine, one of your past tenants,'' started Sam, skipping on the gore-y incident's details, figuring that Clifford didn't need a reminder of what happened in Miss Chase's appartement. As the building's owner, he must've been bombarded with journalists all week, pestering him with their filterless questions.

Instead, Mr. Harrison’s confusion deepened. ''Lucian Stine? I haven't heard that name in a moment…’’

Sam offered him a brief smile, mistaking the man’s confusion for nostalgia. ''Could you tell me about Mr. Stine?’’

When doing his research, just like the other suicide victim, Sam hadn’t been able to find a lot of information about this Lucian Stine. He seemed to be a quiet and lonesome person without any antecedents with the law.

Pursing his lips, the old man searched his memory for the rightful information. ''I don't remember ever seeing someone visiting him. I don’t think he had children either. Pardon me, but may I know why you are asking me about Lucian? Are you looking for him? If so, I’m afraid I cannot help you. I don’t keep in contact with my past tenants.''

Sam frowned at the man’s words. Does he not remember that Lucian died? Maybe he was wrong about his lucidity.

''I’m here on the behalf of the recent suicide that happened in the same appartement a week ago.’’

''I'm sorry, Agent, but there was no recent suicide in this building. It must be a mistake.''

Had he been not notified of the incident? As the building’s owner, the cops are obligated to inform him of all incidents that happen on his property. It's a common procedure.

‘’Mr. Stine occupied the apartment eleven, right?'' Sam asked, making sure Mr. Harrison wasn’t mixing him with another past tenant.

Clifford nodded. ''Yes. He did occupy this apartment, but the place hasn't been occupied since he left last December. This building is quite outdated and away from centerville. It’s difficult to find new tenants.’’

‘’Excuse me? Last December ?’’ the tall Winchester repeated.

.

On his side, Dean hadn’t been able to find the younger man’s name - nor anything about the double suicide. There was only one article about the double suicide online - very brief and to the point. Nothing in the local newspaper or the obituaries rubrik. It was odd.

Just as Sam exited Clifford’s apartment, Dean had returned, empty handed. The brothers shared their new information - or, lack of - and decided to go back to Cordelia’s.

This time, they weren’t as nice.

Dean’s fist hit the door firmly, impatiently.

As if she knew they would come back, Cordelia opened the door almost immediately. She sighed, defeated. ‘’I can explain.’’

.

‘’I declared a false home invasion and used my magic to simulate gunshot noises, knowing the tragic incident would catch Sam's attention. Turned out I was right. You two showed up.’’ Cordelia flashed them a small smile of victory. ''It was a set up, a trap . No double - or single - suicide happened in this apartment, I'm afraid.''

Magic? She’s a witch ?

Instinctively, Dean reached for his gun, hidden inside his jacket, ready to fire at the redhead. There was no witch bullet in it, but it would wound her and slow her down if needed.

She held her hands in surrender, shaking her head. ''Worry not, I'm not here to fight you. Far from. I'm actually looking for help. From you both.''

Sam glanced at Dean, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but the latter was just as lost. ''Help?'' Sam repeated, demanding explanations.

The redhead nodded. ''I'm looking for my mother.''

Dean scoffed, shaking his head. ''I think you're mistaking us for Parent Finders, sweetheart. I'm sure your local adoption center will be better help than us.''

After having been exposed to the media and putting their lives in jeopardy, the Winchesters had prefered to keep their identity on the down low. Only hunters, demons and other creatures of the night knew about them which meant, if the redhead had reached out to Sam and Dean, it wasn't by scrolling on a random list of names. She knew who they were.

Cert, she was a witch, but most witches weren’t fans of the brothers; they avoid them at all cost.

''I'm afraid they won't be of any help. My mother isn't exactly on their registers.''

Confusion deepened on Sam's forehead. ''What do you mean? Was the adoption illegal?''

Cordelia ignored the question. ''You know my mother. If I'm not mistaken, you've made deals with her in the past. Rowena Macleod. Rings a bell?''

While the name was very familiar, both boys were astounded at the bomb Cordelia had dropped. They've known Rowena for a little over two years and she never mentioned having a daughter. As far as the Winchesters knew, Rowena had one son - Fergus, now known as Crowley.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows. ‘’I get that you want to find Rowena, but where does this concern us? If you’re looking for her number, we don’t have it.’’

‘’What I’m about to tell you concerns everyone . You, me, Crowley... Lucifer .’’

Sam’s back straightened at the mention of the archangel, shoulder tensing. He gulped. Years have passed since Lucifer had tormented him mentally, but a part of him is always haunted by those past torments. Even in the Cage, as Lucifer’s vessel. Those moments were unforgettable, forever carved into Sam’s mind.

‘’Lucifer?’’ Dean repeated. ‘’He’s in the Cage.’’

‘’Is he really?’’

‘’He can’t escape from the inside. I’ve been trapped in there before,’’ Sam confirmed.

Dean glanced at his brother, seeing only one possibility. ‘’Unless someone lets him out…’’

‘’What makes you believe Lucifer is out of the Cage? There are very few ways to open the Cage and they are all very complex.’’

‘’For starter, he has to be present on his wedding day.’’

‘’W-wedding?’’ Sam repeated, incredulously.

The redhead hummed. ‘’You boys are in for a long story.’’ She motioned to the living area. ‘’Shall we sit?’’

.

‘'A week ago, my Coven has exiled me for being supposedly promised to Lucifer which is considered the ultimate betrayal to my Coven. I tried telling the High Priestess that this alliance wasn't my doing, that I'd never agree to side with the devil, but she wouldn't hear a thing…’’

In the world of witches, when a High Priestess takes a decision, it’s final . No one dares standing up to her or going against her decision. You owe respect and obedience to your High Priestess. Unless you want to deposit a complaint to the Grand Coven...but it might take time for them to return to you. And, most of the time, it’s more trouble than necessary.

''According to the whispers, I've agreed to rule Hell at his side and be his queen.'' The redhead laughed sarcastically. ''I must've gone mad because I would never ever agree to his misogynist rulings and beliefs. I'm all in to be titled as queen, but never as second ruler. I'm a woman of power, the daughter of an extremely powerful witch, and I will not let any man rule me. Especially not to Lucifer.''

Her silver tongue and fierce attitude confirmed the two brothers that she was without a doubt her mother's daughter.

Sam cocked an eyebrow. ''How does this has to do with Rowena?''

''You still haven't caught on?’’ Cordelia shook her head in discouragement. ‘’You Winchesters are so slow...''

''Wait. You think Rowena did this? That she sold you to Lucifer?''

‘'Undoubtedly. Revenge is her second name. She must've made this arrangement to get back at me. My mother has no sense of loyalty. She could throw her children in a pit of hellfire without hesitation or remorse.''

Sam agreed, Rowena wasn't a good mother. Although she claimed to love and care for Crowley, she played with his emotions and manipulated him to gain control over him so she could use his position as the King of Hell to her advantage and to further her own goals.

''Rowena can be...selfish and vengeful, but selling her daughter to the one who killed her two times sounds extreme,’’ Sam rationalized, incapable to believe that Rowena was that evil.

Cordelia smiled smugly, about to spill some tea. ''I bet she told you about being excommunicated by the Grand Coven as a result of her violent and forceful use of magic? Well, let's say it wasn't the only reason. My father was a non-witch. It's miraculous that I was born with the gift of magic. Given so, Rowena didn't think my father's identity would get to the Grand Coven's ears, but it did. Since then, she blamed me for her excommunication.''

''Why would she hold a grudge against you for something she is responsible of?''

''After all, she is the one who decided to-''

Sam gave a warning glare to her older brother. ''Dean.''

The redhead shrugged. ''Jealousy, perhaps? I've recently been growing in powers inside my Coven, currently in line to be the next High Priestess. I ignore how she got the tip, but this is a vendetta. She sold me to Lucifer so I couldn't thrive among my Coven, among the witchcraft world.''

‘’I agree that Rowena’s thirst for revenge is strong, but I doubt she’d go to this extent do doom you without getting something in exchange.’’

‘’Why don’t you ask her, Samuel? Right, we don’t know where she is.’’

Dean stifled a laugh, smug smile on his lips.

.

Lebanon, Kansas

Eight hours later, they all made it to the bunker. The heavy door closed behind them, echoing loudly and locking itself shut, startling Cordelia. The brothers walked further in, Dean leading the way downstairs, duffel bag in his left hand.

Cordelia glanced around as they stepped down, admiring the bunker’s industrial look. Everything was made of brick, wood or cement; all durable materials. There was also a rustic vibe and some modern touches, giving the place the slight warmth it needed. It wasn’t what the redhead used to live in, but it was better than the dump she spent the past few days in.

At least, here, nothing was falling apart.

‘’So, this place is warded against any evil ever created?’’ the redhead repeated, walking around the war room, exploring a bit even though there wasn’t much in here. Just a large oval table with a map as table-top and chairs around it.

Sam ran a hand over his face, wiping the tiredness away, and put his bag on the table, thankful to be home after a long drive. They hadn’t stopped on the way home other than to get food so he was pretty tired - and sore from being cramped for over twelve hours in Dean’s car. The sleep quality of the passenger seat didn’t compare to his bed.

‘’Yes. But-’’

Cordelia raised an eyebrow at him, not liking his answer already. ‘’There’s a ‘but’?’’

Sam gave her an uncomfortable smile, dreading the coming explanation. Why was he the one announcing bad news to a witch? Rowena’s daughter, of them all. If she was anything like her mother, blowing up a building because someone got on her wrong side wouldn’t be a problem.

‘’Biblically, Lucifer is an angel- an archangel . Despite their…overly strict rules and being major dicks all the time, angels aren’t considered evil.’’

‘’Lucifer is the devil incarnate, how can he not be considered evil?’’

‘’Well, we don’t make the rules.’’

‘’Why did you bring me here then if this place won’t keep me safe from Lucifer?’’

‘’Surely, Lucifer isn't working by himself. He must’ve got demons to do his dirty work, including searching for you. Unlike angels, demons can’t come in.’’

‘’So I’m on lockdown ?’’ she clarified.

‘’Until we find Rowena and get a clear of the story, yes,’’ Dean answered, removing his suit jacket, leaving him in his white dress shirt and loosened tie, annoyed by how restrictive and hot he was getting in his faux-FBI attire. Don’t get him wrong, he liked this job, saving people and hunting things, but those suits were damn uncomfortable.

''Talking about Rowena, have you tried locating her?''

Cordelia scoffed. ''No offence, Samuel, but don't you think I tried locating her before coming to you?'' She cocked an eyebrow at the tall one. ''The incantation didn't work.''

Dean held a laugh, amused by the sass Cordelia used whenever she was speaking to his brother. She wasn’t being mean to him, just quick witted and a little feisty. Dean liked it.

''Maybe she blocked her location to prevent her from being found? Rowena isn't exactly loved by her coven sisters. Or, anyone,’’ he suggested.

Cordelia scoffed a laugh. ''So I've heard! She must be hiding somewhere, away from the inevitable afterfall of her act. Especially after putting her sweet revenge plan in action.''

Grabbing his jacket off the chair’s back, Dean headed down the hallway. ‘’I’m gonna go change out of this and call Crowley. Maybe he can help us.’’

.

Before Dean returned, Crowley showed up at the bunker, dressed in his usual all-black attire.

‘’Long time no see, sister,’’ he greeted, standing in the middle of the war room, eyes on the familiar redhead by Sam. She looked fiercer than he remembered, a perfect, younger portrait of their mother.

Cordelia stood, all high and mighty, glancing at her brother. ‘’Fergus.’’

The way she said his name had the same effect when Rowena did.

The demon inhaled a breath, cringing. ‘’It’s Crowley .’’

‘’Fergus,’’ she repeated, amusement in her venom tongue.

‘’It’s Crowl-’’

''There's no need to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time,'' Cordelia said, interrupting her brother in his correction. ‘’I thought demons couldn’t teleport inside the bunker.’’ She turned to Sam. ‘’Is this another one of your lies, Samuel?’’

He flashed her a curt smile. ‘’There’s exceptions.’’

‘’We’ve summoned him here,’’ Dean explained, walking into the war room from the library, his suit having been replaced by a more casual attire: a flannel and jeans.

Cordelia’s eyes followed the voice, giving Dean a subtle head to toe look before returning her attention to the Sam and Crowley.

‘’Squirrel! Nice of you to join us,’’ Crowley pointed, acknowledging the older Winchester.

‘’How’s the family reunion going?’’

‘’As you can see, no one’s killed anyone.’’

‘’Who said I haven’t slipped an hex bag in your pocket?’’

Slightly paranoid, the King of Hell patted his pockets, checking if there was anything in them. While hex bags couldn't kill him, some could cause serious injuries.  

He rolled his eyes, recoiling his hands when catching the amused smile on her lips. ‘’Ha! Very funny.’’

Sam cleared his throat. ‘’Back to business.’’

Crowley’s posture straightened, haughty. ‘’So, you need my help.’’

‘’Yes. We need to find someone,’’ Dean explained.

‘’I’m not a tracker device-’’

‘’It’s Rowena,’’ Cordelia interrupted.

The mention of his mother caught Crowley’s attention. ‘’Our mother?’’ he repeated. ‘’Why do you want to find her? If it’s to try and mingle with her, I suggest you cross that idea. Trust me, we’re all better off without her.’’

‘’Oh, I know. Searching for her doesn't enchant me. I’d rather stay far away from her, all she do is poison people’s lives, but I need to speak to her. I need to ask her why she made me her personal vendetta.’’

Crowley frowned and they filled him in on the details of Rowena’s possible latest doings, skipping no details. Although it was mostly concerning Cordelia, Crowley was concerned too - by default - since is throne and position as king of Hell were on the table.

‘’That evil bitch…’’ Crowley paused, feeling like some part was missing.  ‘’But, why? She might’ve done this for revenge, but revenge doesn’t suffice her, she needs to get something in return.’’

‘’It’s the reason we need to find her. There’s some holes that we assumes she’ll have answers for,’’ Sam explained.

‘’I’ll have my demons searching for her. I’ll fill you in on any leads I have.’’

.

A clatter of glass and wood echoed as Dean crossed the bunker's hallway to get to his room, catching his attention. The bunker didn't have many residents beside him and Sam and Dean knew from years of cohabitation that Sam rarely gets up during the night.

Alert, Dean made his way to the library, debating whether or not making a run back to the guns he had just finished cleaning minutes ago. There was a high possibility that Cas was back, but according to his last call, he was still searching for fellow angels that survived the fall. Therefore, it couldn't be him.

That left only one option: an intruder.

Longing the wall quietly, Dean was ready to call out to Sam for backup when a woman's thick accent echoed, the choice of curse words could only belong to one Scottish redhead - or her daughter.

'' Bollocks !''

Stepping away from the wall, Dean regained composure, stepping in the library, catching sight of Cordelia in her black dress, heavy glass of whiskey in her left hand and its bottle tilted on the side, the auburn liquid spilled on the wooden table.

''Found my secret stash, I see,'' Dean commented, making his presence known. ''This whiskey cost me a hefty penny,'' he added, nodding at the good old bottle of whiskey and its remaining.

The redhead snapped her head up, slightly taken by surprise. ''You spying on me, Winchester?''

Dean shook his head and she downed her drink in one swig, impressing the blond.

''I'd apologize for finishing your whiskey, but I'm not even sorry.'' A slurred laugh escaped her lips and she set the empty glass down, almost missing the table and shattering.

''Drinking your problems away won't solve anything. Trust me, I know. It numbs them for a few hours before they're back at you, more present than ever.''

''I'm not an idiot, Dean.'' Cordelia stepped in his direction, high heels clicking on the cement. ''Does it stop you from drinking? I doubt so considering the amount of bottles you have here.''

Dean smiled dryly. ''And I thought we didn't have anything in common, turn out we pick the same poison.''

''I've been excommunicated from my beloved coven and promised to Lucifer, do I need another reason to drink?''

Fair point .

The Winchesters had the lovely occasion to meet Lucifer in the past and, needless to say, it was never pleasing nor accompanied by good news. Quite the contrary. He had caused the death of their mother, beaten Dean to almost death, mentally tortured Sam as a hallucination, and many more.

''And you.'' She nodded at Dean, interrupting his thoughts. ''What are you trying to run away from?''

The words left his lips before he realized it, his own honesty so blunt it surprised him. ''Myself.''

[random-thought-depository]

There’s a local TV channel where I live that plays a lot of re-runs of old science fiction shows, they’ve been playing X-Files re-runs in my normal TV-watching night hours recently, so having watched some of the show recently... I don’t think it really has an “apolitical” “this is just goofy funny stuff” attitude toward its conspiracy theories. Like, watching the Anasazi to 731 arc I was like “Oh wow, this dark, and in a very politically charged way if you read between the lines.” I might write a more extended post about that later, but it’s like:

“We’re going to imply that the US government subjected children to a horrific medical experiment in which they were transformed into human-alien hybrids, that this experiment was carried out with the assistance of literal Nazi scientists recruited through Operation Paperclip, and that then when the government had no further use for these unfortunate test subjects they locked them in a windowless box car, threw in an open cannister of poison gas, closed the vent hole, and then buried this improvised gas chamber with their corpses still piled high inside it in the New Mexico desert. We’re also going to maybe imply that a few of these unfortunate beings may still be alive, having been imprisoned in a converted mine in West Virginia for the last 30-40 years. Oh, did we say we’re going to imply this? We’re just going to straight-up show that the government has an entire concentration camp full of human-alien hybrids in West Virginia, and that it was overseen by a former member of Unit 731 recruited by the US government after WWII, and that when its existence becomes a liability a death squad is sent to line up the hybrids in front of a big pit, shoot them all to death, and throw their corpses in the pit for mass burial. We’re also going to imply that a lot of these hybrids were originally homeless people, inmates of insane asylums, and other vulnerable people chosen to be experimented on in this way because people wouldn’t ask many questions if they disappeared. This whole thing is going to have a lot of imagery and plot points that unsubtly remind you of fascist atrocities, the subjugation of native Americans, and historical medicalized abuse.”

It really felt like it was channeling a lot of the things you see communist-adjacent lefty types say on Tumblr, but in an atmosphere where you couldn’t just say these things, you had to be subtle and heavily hint at them through implication and allegory and imagery.

Like, remember that scene in Tunguska where Mulder is running away on foot while being chased by men on horseback with whips who are guarding a death camp where forced labor is done? That image evokes associations.

I guess you could see the Cigarette Smoking Man and company as representing the Satanic pedophile conspiracy of Qanonist fever dreams, but they don’t give me that vibe. They seem to me like the deep state in the original and proper sense of the word: the decades-embedded residents of the alphabet soup, the think-tank members, the lobbyists, the Congresspeople who sit in safe gerrymandered districts and keep getting elected again and again and have occupied their seats for decades like feudal lords; deeply committed to a horrific program that’s awful for most of humanity (like neoliberalism and Republican Cold Warrior foreign policy), not even out of any strongly held ideology or vision, but because that’s the rubric under which they’ve spent decades accumulating power and privilege and if it went away they wouldn’t know what to do with themselves except look for another excuse to keep doing what they’re doing. The key difference is the Cigarette Smoking Man and company don’t really come across as personally depraved, they come across as privileged and embedded in powerful institutional inertia and thus committed to something horrific despite being basically ordinary as people.

Come to think of it, that would be an interesting fanfic premise: what would the Cigarette Smoking Man and company do if the aliens just ... went away? Imagine the aliens cancel their conquest of Earth for reasons of their own; maybe they find another planet they like better and divert the resources of the Earth colonization project there, maybe they cede colonization rights to the region of space Earth is in to the bug people from Xi Scorpii in a treaty, whatever. Those clones tending those farms in Canada and the like are just left behind like so much military equipment abandoned in place because it isn’t worth the expense of bringing it home. The Cigarette Smoking Man and his friends are left in the position of a puppet government after its patron pulls out, or a colonial native elite after the colonial power leaves; the favor of their powerful former patron gone, they are now left exposed to the winds of local politics (local in this meaning our planet). What would the Cigarette Smoking Man and his friends do in this scenario? I think they’d try to preserve as much of their power and privilege as they can, and they’d look for some other excuse to keep doing what they’re already doing.

A big factor in our present political landscape is low trust in institutions, and The X-Files is basically “low trust in institutions, the TV show,” but The X-Files feels like it was channeling distrust that very much existed when it was made; that distrust feels more like a continuity between its time and ours than a difference, albeit one that has evolved in some ways.

I think you might have a point, in that something like the Anasazi to 731 arc might be a lot more controversial and perhaps unfilmable today - because people would pick up the subtext more easily and that subtext would be more salient to mainstream political debates! I can just see all the approving think-pieces and Tumblr posts lovingly translating this subtext into text and clapping the writers on the back for being so brave about confronting these issues, and all the conservative think-pieces and outraged posts about how the show has jumped the shark by embracing woke virtue-signaling. I think the difference is that the left has gotten strong enough that there’s more of a mainstream consciousness of points like ��the last 75 years of US foreign policy are actually pretty evil” and “there’s actually a significant continuity between Axis atrocities and stuff done in the ‘good’ countries and by the ‘good’ governments.”

So yeah, in that I guess you’re right.

But put me down on team “Scott Alexander is looking at the ‘90s through glasses so rose-colored they’re nearly petals.”

Okay, so trying not to be mean to Scott too regularly.

But it’s honestly kind of interestingly alien to hear a folk memory of the ‘90s in western culture as being unusually free and supportive of divergent viewpoints. Instead of like, a period of rigidly enforced political doctrine across all major parties and ‘serious’ outlets. (End of History! Unipolar Moment! the Era of big Government is Over! Efficiency! Innovation! Free Trade!).

It’s like when people talk about how back in the ‘90s people were colorblind and racism was on its way to being a dead issue, and have somehow completely forgotten like, not even the big systemic issues, but even just fucking OJ and Rodney King.

[seriestrash]

You Me Her

1 || 2 || 3 ||

Chapter Four: Drama Club

Word Count: 2674

↠ ♥ ↞

After Kai whisks Riley away from Lucas and Maya, he leads her out to the courtyard where they first met that morning. The boy sits himself on an empty table top and rests his feet on the bench seat attached. Riley quietly sits herself adjacent to him at the end of the seat. 

“Back to the scene of the crime..” Riley lets out a nervous giggle. 

“Again I stress, that was not me.” Kai crinkles his nose in disgust at himself. 

“And bursting through doors crying like a weirdo isn’t me either.” Riley tries to make light of it even though she was actually embarrassed. “May I ask why you were out here?” 

“Well considering I already know why you were upset I suppose it’s only fair I share my truth.” Kai sighs. 

Riley deflates a little once she’s reminded how people know her business without her even having to explain it. Still, Riley tries her best to listen respectfully as Kai gives an explanation. 

“I’m in this group chat with the other kids in the drama club and we were discussing auditions for the winter musical- Which is Grease, by the way.” Kai continues. “And I said I was going to audition for Danny Zuko and they laughed at me.”

“Why?” Riley asks cautiously as she had a feeling this could get heated.

“Apparently I look too soft.” Kai says with an eye roll. 

Riley had thought it - not that he wasn’t right for the part - but Kai certainly did have an innocent look about him. In the short time Riley’s known Kai, she realises looks certainly don’t describe a person, not this person anyway. Even though there were in the same year level Kai was never on Riley’s radar so that morning was really the first time she’s processed his existence. At first glance Riley got immediate shy guy vibes from him. He had that soft and pure look to him that the other drama club members mentioned. After Kai handed her a tissue out in the courtyard Riley felt a kindness from him and when he whisked Riley away in the hall moments earlier Riley sensed a protective nature. In the conversation that follows and many more after this day Riley realises just how the opposite Kai is to how he looks. It’s not that he isn’t pure it’s just that he’s confident, bubbly and so personable. Definitely not shy. Riley can’t believe how many people he knows. It has her questioning her own friend group and Riley wonders if it was healthy how consumed she was with so little people but then she thinks about quality over quantity and ends up on a thought spiral for hours. 

“So I came out here to prove to them I wasn’t soft.” Kai continued. 

Riley nods along as he speaks, not saying much herself. 

“What do you think?” Kai asks. “Do you think I’m soft?” 

“Ugh..” Riley isn’t exactly how to answer without offending the boy.

“Oh my god you think I’m soft!” Kai groans. 

“No, no, it’s not that!” Riley scrambles quickly. “If I’m being honest you do have a... sweet... look about you but it’s acting. How can anyone say you’re not able to play a part?” 

“Thank you!” Kai exclaims. “It’s not like I’d wear my glasses and snort on stage. I’d be in costume acting like Danny.” 

“Exactly!” Riley nods with a smile. “I say you quit the teen rebel act and put that energy into your audition.” 

“I knew this friend thing was a good idea.” Kai wears a wide grin. “Now, you’ve got the ‘too pure to be pink’ part down so I think we should work on the ‘You’re the one that I want’ Sandy.” Kai eyes Riley.

Riley squints at him wondering if Kai realises he’s just used the same sort of remark on Riley that offended him in the first place and as if he read her mind because Kai mumbles an explanation how he means it positively. Like she’s already nice so they didn’t need to work on that aspect of the roll. Either way Riley wasn’t offended but more so shocked at what Kai was suggesting. 

“You think I should audition for Sandy?” Riley gives him a quizzical look. 

“Did you want to be Rizzo or someone else?” Kai is confused at her shock. 

“They’re a bit.. I don’t know.. Major rolls?” Riley laughs nervously. 

“Your point?” Kai coaxes his head. “You audition for the main and then if you get something smaller you get something smaller.” 

“I can’t be Sandy.” Riley shakes her head. 

“Why not?” Kai questions.

“Well for starters I have brown hair...” Riley scrambles nervously. “Sandy’s blonde.”

“Riley please, it’s 2017, I could audition for Sandy.” Kai chuckles. “I don’t think being a brunette will hurt your chances.” 

“I don’t know.” Riley shakes her head.

"Have you ever acted before?” Kai questions. 

“I played Juliet in Romeo and Juliet back in middle school... But that turned out to be a disaster.” Both the play and the promise that Lucas made her after it.

“We could do a joint audition!” Kai beams. “That way you’d be less nervous having a friend up there with you! We could be Abigail Adam’s very own Danny and Sandy... You know if Danny was more interested in sleeping with Kenickie.” 

Riley lets out a soft and genuine giggle which makes Kai smile. “So you’ll be my audition partner?” Kai asks. 

Riley’s just about to nod when another doubtful thought flows into her mind. “Grease is a musical... I don’t sing.” 

“There’s a difference between don’t and won’t.” Kai says with a crooked smile. “We can work that out together.” 

Riley nods finally. “So you don’t think I should start small? Maybe go for a minor roll or something?” 

“You’re Juliet, Riley.” Kai holds her gaze. “You’re not.. Capulet number five.” 

Kai was so encouraging of Riley and they were practically strangers but his terminology like calling her his friend after five seconds of knowing each other was so inviting and it really made Riley feel good about things too. 

It’s clear to Riley that the play is important to Kai and he’s placed faith in her with their audition, something of such monumental importance. Something about Kai- Everything about Kai, his confidence, kindness and blind faith in Riley saw her taking her own leap of faith and actively agreeing to audition with him for the lead rolls. 

After the new friendship was born it was only three days until auditions for the musical so the two teens worked religiously on their lines together every afternoon. Kai quickly deducted Riley was more of a ‘won't than don't’ in regards to singing so he helped her loosen up and they had fun with the songs. 

The two watched the movie three times over for ‘research' and each time they’d end up bouncing on Riley’s bed singing the tongue twister of a final song over and over for practice. Three days with Kai and Riley was back to her giggly self. Given, any moment of Riley’s spare time was poured into her new friendship which really took her mind off other pressing issues.  

Riley is quite trusting and easily places her faith in new people. This isn’t always a good thing as it can turn out negatively for her but Riley’s newfound friendship with Kai was anything but negative as her faith was put in possibly the best person she could and as time would tell Riley had made a lifelong friend in Kai. 

The afternoon of the audition arrives and Riley nervously finds a seat in the auditorium. Kai is busy as an existing member of the drama club. He and the other nine students - a few from each grade - were all given jobs by Ms. Mitchell - the drama club teacher - to ensure the auditions ran smoothly.   

Riley sits anxiously in her seat and watches as student after student takes the stage. Riley believes each one to be a hundred times better than her. Fifteen minutes in Riley is approached by someone.

“Is this seat taken?” He asks quietly not wanting to interrupt the audition process.

Riley smiles softly at the boy and motions for him to take the seat. The whisper belonged to Noah Pearson a boy in Riley’s year level. She knew him from her English class although they’d never actually spoken. Noah is intimidatingly good looking and also a star player on the football team despite only being a freshman. Had Riley of not seen him around school before she might have been nervous in his presence but Riley had first hand witnessed his kind nature so she felt instantly at ease with him.

“So, are you auditioning or just spectating?” Noah whispers.

“Auditioning... Regretfully.” Riley lets out a quiet and nervous chuckle.

“I’m sure you’ll be great.” Noah gives her a warm grin. “Your English speeches are always so effortless and captivating.

Noah’s short but kind statement boosted her confidence entirely. “Thank you.” She whispers back. “What about you, are you watching or auditioning?” 

“Watching of course!” He giggles nervously. “You’ve seen me stutter through my speeches in class. Performing isn’t really my thing.” 

Before Riley could attempt to build his confidence, Ms. Mitchell calls a short intermission and Kai approaches Riley to tell her they’re on next but when he spots Noah he scrunches his face into a scowl.

“What are you doing here?” Kai snaps. “You and your football pals here to make fun of the drama geeks?”

“Kai!” Riley frowns at him.

“I was just watching.” Noah says sheepishly. 

After another moment of awkwardness goes by Noah decides to leave and Kai’s scowl follows him on the way out. 

“Kai that was mean.” Riley continues her frown. 

“I’m looking out for you, Ri.” Kai takes the seat previously occupied by Noah. 

“I don’t understand... Noah was being nice?” Riley knits her brows together. 

“Probably because he wants to get in your pants.” Kai crosses his arms. 

“He wants to what?” Riley squeaks. 

“Oh my sweet, Riley,” Kai gently strokes Riley’s shoulder. “Ever since word got out that you’re officially single it’s like you’ve become every meatheads main target.” 

Before Riley could process Kai’s statement or question it further Ms. Mitchell is calling them both up to stage. Riley takes a few deep breaths and tries to remember the confidence that Noah’s words instilled in her. Although, any of the bravery she found washes away the moment Riley steps on stage as she witnesses Maya and Lucas slip into two seats at the back of the auditorium. They were only there to show support to their friend but the surprise certainly shook Riley into fumbling her audition. Kai held his own and tried his best to help Riley though her parts.

After practicing for three days Riley knew Kai had all the potential to be Danny Zuko but ultimately the mediocre audition landed Kai as Putzie and Riley as Jan. The minor roll made Riley feel more comfortable about the play but she still felt horrible about ruining Kai’s bigger goals and she continuously apologises for it. Kai was anything but mad and he brushed off her apologies every time, assuring Riley that he knew the part of Danny was always going to go to someone older and that he was still a T-Bird so he could stick it to the bitches in the drama club that said he wass more suited for Eugene. 

Somehow Kai manages to turn Riley’s complete frustration about it all into a positive and he even convinces the brunette to join the drama club. Kai is quick to give Riley a rundown of each member. He concludes that six of the nine students that weren’t him were indeed snooty and not worth her time and the three others - including himself - were pretty cool. With this in mind Riley still goes in trying to eliminate preconceptions of the other students and give them all a fair chance. Still, Riley also concludes that six of the ten - now eleven - drama club members were also not really her crowd. Maybe it was the fact that the other members were freshmen so they didn’t have a sense of higher importance than the ‘snooty’ students but whatever it was about the other three they certainly made Riley feel welcome.

After the announcement of the rolls the rehearsals began immediately as the play was set to open in one month. So again all Riley’s free time is sucked into the production. Also, with the play came the expectation that Riley spend more time with the drama club so at lunch and after school Riley found herself having less time to hang around her friends as she was trying to build new friendships with these kids. A process that is bittersweet for Riley. On one hand she felt happy in the new environment and it got her away from having to watch Lucas and Maya be, well, Lucas and Maya but on the other hand Riley missed them. Another thing that goes in circles for the quirky teen as she spends time away from them and longs to be with them but when she does eventually hang out with them she slips into her down mood and longs to be anywhere but there.

Riley is known to have a dramatic flare with her over the top reactions and neurotic thinking when it comes to certain situations. Sometimes this trait is seen as cute amongst her friends but she’s not oblivious to the fact that sometimes she can be ‘too much’ for them so she has tried her best to be more rational about things. Although, Kai encourages this part of Riley and he basks in every bit of her wacky reactions. Hanging around Kai made Riley feel special and ultimately happy so naturally she wanted to spend more time with him. At first Riley sticks to her whole stance about how she’s unaffected by Lucas and Maya even though Kai had seen her crying about it but still he smiles along and sticks to the trivial stuff with her but eventually Riley opens up to him and their lines of communication are opened completely and there isn’t anything the two couldn’t discuss with each other. 

Having Kai and the drama club was a perfect out for Riley and she felt bad for thinking of it as that. She felt bad that she wanted to escape her friends but she also felt like she was using the drama club and Kai. Kai knew this and he encouraged her to use him whenever she wanted because he truly cared about her emotional state and he knew how she overthought it all. They were friends now and she’s supposed to use him and he was happy to be used in anyway she needed. 

Eventually it wasn’t an excuse anymore, Riley found herself wanting to be with them and it made her feel guilty when she thought it over at night in bed. Riley knew it wasn’t her friends fault and she’d never want to pass blame onto them but Riley couldn’t help but feel so down whenever she’s with them.  Riley thought maybe it was her fault for more reasons than one but the main being that she created a fairytale scenario for all of them which made reality hard to live up to. With that being said Riley’s mood was being uplifted by her new drama pals and it left Riley feeling that she could be happy in all aspects of life including the one with her her original friend group. 

Just as Riley’s working out a healthy balance between the two, one spills into the other before she’s ready and Riley realises that as much as she hopes for it to be different sometimes hope isn’t enough because other feelings are stronger. Riley realises that hope isn’t the most powerful thing in the world because sometimes other feelings can be stronger. 

↠ ♥ ↞

End Notes: Firstly, sorry this chapter took so long! I was trying to rejig it and yeah blah blah. 

Secondly, I hope it’s not a cruddy chapter as I’m trying to build the other journey Riley’s about to take with new people in her life. The last paragraph may be vague and confusing but next chapter is when her two worlds collide as we embark into Riley’s sophomore year. 

The next two chapters after this are very Lucas x Maya x Riley based so stay tuned! This story is more than Lucas choosing Maya and then wanting to be with Riley. It’s a journey about Riley and her growth after ski lodge. Each chapter are important parts of that journey. This chapter being the friendship established between Riley and Kai. 

As always I appreciate any feedback given! I hope you’re enjoying thus far. I know I said it was a trial period but I’m pretty invested in the story now so hopefully you stick with me :) x

[everysuperherofighting]

The Best Music of 2018

2018 was a strange year for me. It should go without saying that the politics were grim, as the United States continued to embrace gestapo-esque tactics and concentration camps as a way of dealing with the “immigration crisis” (a lot of this happened under Obama too of course). The planet continued to slide into a dystopia of global warming as more and more animals became endangered or went extinct all-together. The mid-terms happened, with typically mixed results. Elon Musk called someone a pedophile on twitter for some reason.

On a personal level, in 2018 I moved to Ohio from Oregon (again). My band put out an EP. And I lost my father, something that I still grapple with on a daily basis, though it gets less present over time.

I’ve become interested in how I discover new music, as I’ve gotten older and can’t really consider myself to be fully plugged into any sort of youth culture, sub or otherwise. Finding new music has become a very intentional process; if I didn’t seek it out deliberately, I probably wouldn’t end up hearing much of anything. But that’s always kind of true for arty-weirdos like me.

For better or worse I discovered a lot of music the last two years through Youtube. As you probably know, if you play a song or an album on Youtube, there’s an autoplay feature that will automatically play something else when it’s done. I’ve found a lot of my favorite music lately this way, and in some ways it’s kind of filled the role that “cool record store clerk” or “late-night college dj” might have filled in the times past. This is not necessarily a good change. I’ve heard you can find a lot of white supremacists that way too.

Youtube has also become invaluable if you’re someone who wants to make a list like this one, and can’t afford to spend hundreds of dollars on albums. I think sometimes the artists even get paid a minuscule amount for the clicks! Hooray free information! I hope we can all find decent jobs someday.

1) CAMP COPE - HOW TO SOCIALISE & MAKE FRIENDS

I debated with myself about whether to put Camp Cope at number one, as they’re not the most musically complex or adventurous of my favorite albums this year. However I can’t think of another band that felt like it lyrically captured the zeitgeist of the times in such a powerful way. The whole album is great, catchy and upbeat jangly indie/punk with tinges of early 90s midwestern emo, made by three woman from Melbourne, Australia. Singer Georgia McDonald has a great voice, imbued with urgency, and her accent is a lot of fun to listen to too. Her lyrics have that same emotional rawness and honest specificity that early emo has as well - on “The Omen” she sings about loving someone since they were 17 and wishes for rescue dogs and a house by the sea, while on “I’ve Got You,” she bounces from the death of her father to police shootings, the loss of her childhood home, and the grappling with mental illness, and it all feels thematically relevant as this great moment of exhaled catharsis.

The stand-outs for me, however, are “The Opener” and “The Face of God.” “The Opener” is a scorching indictment of the indie music scene, as McDonald calls-out all the garbage women in bands have to deal with, from accusations that they only succeed based on their gender, to men continually explaining things, to men showing up to lay down a big steamy pile of unrequited love BS. These aren’t new observations, but hearing them all laid out in a row like this highlights their invulnerability and their ubiquitousness, the daily microaggressions that lead up to a larger picture of persistent inequality. On “The Face of God,” McDonald narrativizes the Me Too movement from the perspective of an abused fan, musing “could it be true? You couldn’t do that to someone. Not you, nah your music is too good,” her tortured delivery capturing the rage, shame, disbelief, and sadness of all the Me Too revelations about artists that we liked, and who abused that power again and again and again and again and again and again and again an

2) IDLES - JOY AS AN ACT OF RESISTANCE

Image by Paul Hudson via Flickr

Idles was one of my favorite discoveries of last year. I was actually a little concerned with this album since I’d heard the band was “embracing positivity” , and what I loved about Brutalism was their raw, unhinged sound and clever but cynical and pissed-off lyrics. There’s also a recurring thing for me of finding a really cool raw sounding band, punk adjacent but not necessarily fully in the scene, who then get less “punk” (and to me, less interesting) with each subsequent release as they sort of turn into just another indie dude band who like Big Star or the Replacements. This band sounds raw as fuck, I’ll say, and then later they’ll put out their fucking mandolin album.

Joy as an Act of Resistance is dope though, as their music continues to embrace a raw, chaotic sound of guitars that both swirl and jab like shards of glass, pounding “Lust For Life” toms, and stripped down basslines, while frontman Joe Talbot howls sarcastic indictments of masculinity, homophobia, and racism. In a similar way to last year’s Pissed Jeans album, they tackle ugly toxic masculinity with ugly, tough sounding music, hearkening back to a punk rock that was less rigid in sound. There’s this infectious positivity that runs through the whole thing however, a joy that comes from casting off the fixed roles that the patriarchal society tries to put upon us and embracing our (ironically) gentler natures. “I wanna be your best ever friend forever” Talbot says, sincerely on “Love Song.” “Let’s hug it out,” he repeats on “Never Fight a Man With A Perm,” and though the song is making fun of a coked out bruiser, I have a feeling it’s a sentiment he would share.

3) THE ARMED - ONLY LOVE

The synthesis of hardcore punk with electronic music is something I’ve been anticipating. There’s definitely been forebearers (Horse the Band comes to mind, though there’s probably other stuff in the underground), but this is the first time I’ve heard it done so well. The Armed sound like if you took one of the better mid-2000s screamy hardcore bands and mixed it with the noisiest and most frenetic parts of a chip-tune song. That may sound like a nightmare to a lot of you, but again, it’s done so well here that it just sounds like a noisy chaotic mess in the best and most elegant possible way. This is not to underplay the tightness of the song-craft at work here - the chaotic sound seems to me to be carefully orchestrated. Glitchy, brutal, climatic, and beautiful. (And the parts where the lady sings remind me of Blatz. The world could use more Blatz.)

4) SCREAMING FEMALES - ALL AT ONCE

Image by Jason Persse via Flickr

This band is kind of a mainstay on my year end list at this point, but I feel like they continually top their previous efforts, a rare quality for most bands. Incredible vocals, incredible song-writing, incredible guitar playing, as they reach ever greater levels of accessibility and hookiness, while still maintaining that slight edge that would put them forever as at home in a basement as a venue.

5) KALI UCHIS - ISOLATION

Kali Uchis lands at that sweet spot where pop, hip-hop, jazz, soul, and psychedelia intersect that’s occupied by similar weirdos like Janelle Monae, Miguel, and the Internet. It’s no wonder that one of the all-time prophets of future-looking pop, Boots Riley, shows up on one of the singles. There’s a real bossa-nova, latin jazz vibe on a lot of these tracks, and a kind of retro-sheen even as it pushes into the future. “It’s no fun to feel like a fool,” Kali Uchis croons while straight up wall of sound style saxophones blurp in the background. “Pussy is a hell of an addiction.”

6) THE INTERNET - HIVE MIND

Another year-end list staple for me, the Internet have been consistently putting out some of the best, solid-ass R+B since 2011. The whole thing is smooth as hell, but weird or tasteful in all the right places; the “hoo hoo” on “Humble Pie” or the building horns on “Mood.” And retaining just a hint of that old Odd Future off-kilterness around the edges. OG Dungeon Family poet “Big Rube” shows up on “It Gets Better (With Time).”

7) JEAN GRAE AND QUELLE CHRIS - EVERYTHING’S FINE

Quelle Chris is a new one for me, but I rocked Jean Grae when I first started getting into indie rap back in high school. I always wondered what happened to her since then, but apparently she’s been putting out a steady stream of mixtapes and underground releases pretty much the whole time, self releasing a lot of them through bandcamp. She’s a wicked lyricist, and her and Quelle Chris trade off bars of dense wordplay and biting commentary on the current age of “self-care” and neoliberal hellscapes over beats that are just weird enough. Much of their verses are delivered through a lens of ironic detachment, but it’s especially affecting when the irony cracks into real urgency or emotion, as in “Breakfast of Champions,” a reflection on the grueling, consistent presence of racism in America. “It’s bound to wreck your body or straight burn your body out” they muse, and then later, as if realizing the gravity of it all, “it’s like damn, shit, fuck, wow…”

Also Quelle Chris apparently taught himself to program 8-bit video games for one of the videos.

8) SELF DEFENSE FAMILY - HAVE YOU CONSIDERED PUNK MUSIC

Yeah dude, you know I like punk rock that don’t follow no rules. This is definitely more in the vein of Fugazi, or maybe even a slightly more jagged Wilco, than a NOFX or 7 Seconds, with nods to Americana and a vocal delivery that reminds me of a raspier Craig Finn. A central preoccupation of the album seems to be the delicate balance between art and maturity, made all the more so when you’re tied to a subculture that’s only “supposed” to last you through your early 20s. There’s some great lines throughout: “ “Explaining motherhood to a man, cold observation but he’s not capable of understanding; detailing math to a dog, won’t retain a word but if you’re lucky he may be a good boy and nod” and “The world’s not turning for you and the road never rises, you’re eking out a living like every other asshole” are highlights for me, but I think my favorite bit of cleverness is actually just the juxtaposition between the titles of tracks 6 and 7. “Have You Considered Punk Music?” asks one. The other: “Have You Considered Anything Else?”

9) SINGLE MOTHERS - THROUGH A WALL

Image by CRUSTINA! via Flickr

And here we have a release that’s a little more meat and potatoes, with steam-rolling drum beats, distortion, and yelled vocals about the desperation to be found in modern life’s mudanities, “dog parks and IPA.” This album’s just some fucking ferocious non-screamy hardcore, with that same relentless quality that the best hardcore albums have. “Catch and Release” even has some double kick on it. Interestingly, I find some of the core anxieties the same as in the album above however: “Better people than you or I have lost that spark for life,” Andrew Thomson bellows on 24/7, a Cassandra portending the potential pitfalls of age.

10) HOP ALONG - BARK YOUR HEAD OFF, DOG

Singer Francis Quinlan has an incredible voice, powerful and worldly, and she paints quick snapshots of narrative with her lyrics like a Lydia Davis story. The music has shades of mid-western emo, with some kind of funky, almost Jackson 5 style guitar lines. This one is definitely a step up in terms of instrumentation from their earlier records, with strings, acoustic guitars, and other orchestral touches. The title refers specifically to a dying dog from one of the tracks, though it also seems to apply to all the characters briefly given voice throughout the album.

11) CINDER WELL - THE UNCONSCIOUS ECHO

Beautiful, haunting folk from Amelia Baker of Blackbird Raum (and a few other fellows mostly from the folk punk/bluegrass scene). A little more straight folk than Blackbird Raum’s high energy mix of folk, metal, and hardcore. Stripped down and evocative, with one foot firmly in an irish folk tradition. Like Blackbird Raum, there is a foreboding quality to much of the music, like a warning of dark things to come.

12) NONAME - ROOM 25

A micro-trend I noticed in hip-hop this year was short albums, notable from a tradition that often includes massive releases and mixtapes stuffed with skits and interludes. This is the first of example of this on my list, clocking in at a respectable 34:48. Noname is a great rapper with an intricate flow, technical without being too dense for a more casual listener, keeping her ideas and narratives clear and present over funky neo soul beats. At times she can be extremely candid, rapping about her sexual escapades, emotions, and insecurities. In one of my favorite moments, the track titled “No Name,” she discusses the spirituality behind her stage name: “When we walk into heaven, nobody’s name gon’ exist; just boundless movement for joy, nakedness radiance.” She’s funny too though. “I’m just writing my darkest secrets like wait and just hear me out; saying vegan food is delicious like wait and just hear me out.”

13) JEFF ROSENSTOCK - POST

More noisy power pop from former Bomb the Music Industry frontman Jeff Rosenstock (though I suppose by this point his solo career is at least as significant; Bomb albums never made it to Pitchfork). I think this one’s a little less varied than “Worry” before it, and a little rawer around the edges. The title is seemingly referring to the time post-2016 election, though it seems to often be more interested in profiling the anxious mood than making specific political points (which you probably all know anyway). I can’t think of another song writer off the top of my head that more consistently exemplifies the anxieties of the millennial generation, whether it’s the mid-20s woes of joblessness and friend loss often detailed in Bomb the Music Industry, or this current outing. On “Yr Throat,” he talks about the ease he has talking about relatively frivolous matter like video games and vinyl records, verses more important matters. One of my favorite lines in the song is a little more direct however, commenting on you-know-who: “It’s not like any other job I know; if you’re a piece of shit they don’t let you go.”

14) DEATH GRIPS - YEAR OF THE SNITCH

Image by Montecruz Foto via Flickr

Supposedly the album title has something to do with Charles Manson, at least according to their very vocal and sometimes uncomfortably affiliated online fanbase. It’s pretty rare that I can fully decipher what a song is about, other than generally surreal lyrics that hint toward a dirty and unsettling underground, whether urban, suburban, or solely online. Death Grips, if you don’t know, make experimental and abstract hip-hop, featuring dark and somewhat unconventional beats, with a live drummer, seeming to draw as much from the tradition of noise music than from rap. For as weird as all this is, however, there’s usually a pretty solid song structure underlying each track, and they create some sticky hooks out of all the electronic chaos and bellowed raps. This time around there seems to be a bit of a shoegaze influence as well, which…. doesn’t quite fit their aesthetic? But is pretty interesting all the same.

15) RAVYN LENAE - CRUSH

Steve Lacy from the Internet (the band) produced this 5 track long EP of retro/future funk and R+B. “Sticky” is as catch a song as ever there was, and Ravyn Lenae does a great job kind of floating over the beat, mixing up her delivery. These artists nod a lot to 70s R+B and funk, and I love that they preserve the strangeness of a lot of that stuff, that otherwordly vibe, whether it’s the “oooo-HOO-hoo-hoo” on “Sticky” or the blunted synth stabs on “4 Leaf Clover.”

16) HINDS - I DON’T RUN

Image by Paul Hudson via Flickr

Indie rock from Madrid with several lady vocalists that’s just a tad sloppy, in a good way. Catchy and relationship oriented, but scratching at something deeper beyond the surface. I love the way the vocal mics all seem to distort slightly. Maybe I’m just an old now, but it makes me nostalgic for college in some way, smoking cigarettes and being heartbroken. Which was probably not actually as fun as I remember it.

17) JPEGMAFIA - VETERAN

Hard as hell raps over jittery noise beats that sometimes merge into moments of dreamlike beauty from a hip-hop auteur who handles all the production himself. This kind of reminds me of when Pitchfork called Odd Future “/b/ boys” (referring to 4chan). This is the new Extremely Online hip-hop, endlessly irony poisoned, vaguely left-wing but mostly cynical, inside jokes upon inside jokes. It seems like there’s some real anger in here too, and his raps often involve promises of violence, usually upon various members of the alt right: “Look, it’s the young alt-right menace; What’s the pistol to a pennant?”

18) MILO - BUDDING ORNITHOLOGISTS ARE WEARY OF TIRED ANALOGIES

Milo reminds me of the best of the older backpacker rappers, dropping classic lines so fast that you miss about 2/3rds of them the first couple times through. Equally at home dropping a reference to a video game, a philosopher, the harshness of race in America, and the Guggenheim fellowship, like one of those memes that eradicates the distinction between high and low culture by putting references to existentialist philosophers over a picture of Spongebob. Of course, hip-hop has always been doing that, hasn’t it?

19) EARL SWEATSHIRT - SOME RAP SONGS

Image by Anna Hanks via Flickr

Another notably short album, at a brisk 24:39. The songs are short too, often coming across as sketches, though really this is the kind of project made to listen to in one sitting. Like a lot of the rap albums on here, this is a project that takes the beats as well as the rhymes seriously, pushing forward into avant garde territory, but in a mellower way than JPEGMAFIA or Death Grips. They have an almost hypnotic quality to them, as Earl raps in his slightly aloof manner, though here the aloofness feels more like a mask only thinly hiding a deep sense of melancholy. The samples on here are thick with that old record hiss - even the vocals are hissy, like a transmission from someplace far away.

20) SUDAN ARCHIVES - SINK

Sudan Archives is a violinist from Cincinnati who makes pop music that sounds like nothing else out there, though it takes cues from hip-hop, R+B, electronica, and world music. The beats are stripped down but still lush sounding, the violin often leading in a way that sounds strange and otherwordly, utilized for it’s ability to create rhythmic hooks, while her lyrics meld the personal with the empowering with the political.

21) TEYANA TAYLOR - K.T.S.E.

Kanye West produced 5 different 7 to 8 track albums this year, with mixed results. A lot of people stan Pusha T’s Daytona, but this one was my favorite, a short and sweet album that’s mellow, romantic, and a little dirty. Teyana Taylor puts in a very versatile performance, and her voice is perfectly suited to ride over the old soul samples that make up the bulk of the production. Kanye’s musical output was of course overshadowed by his various bizarre political statements and right wing flirtations, but it would be a shame for this gem to get lost in the fray.

22) CHURCH OF THE COSMIC SKULL - SCIENCE FICTION

I don’t always love heavily conceptualized “revival” type bands, but this one is so much fun, not just doing pitch perfect 70s hard rock, but also spoofing (at least, I think it’s a spoof) the phenomenon of 70s cults. The members seem to dress in all white, and look like they just stepped off some Jesus-dude’s farm/compound. Of course it wouldn’t work if the music wasn’t so damn hooky. Harmonies, heavy organs, and hella riffs.

23) VINCE STAPLES - FM!

And another super short hip-hop album from one of contemporary rap’s best. Vince’s projects usually feature stripped down beats that would sound good in a car or a club, but the lyrical matter is dark as hell, another example of what a strange genre gangsta rap is when viewed from the outside. It’s hyper-masculine and braggadocios, but also equally often an expression of black pain that is then commodified into bangers for clubs, cars, and house parties full of white frat boys to dance and drink to. The contrast is all the more apparent every time Vince mentions one of his dead friends. I dunno dude, maybe I’m just getting old.

24) JANELLE MONAE - DIRTY COMPUTER

This didn’t grab me as immediately as her previous two full lengths, trending a little too close to mainstream pop for my tastes. But underneath the added sheen, it’s still a Janelle Monae album, bouncing gleefully from Prince-style funk jams to buoyant electro tunes. Monae drops the cyber-punk robo future concept to make an on-the-nose, album length celebration of queerness (though I think there may be some sci-fi on the Dirty Computer short film, which I haven’t watched yet.) The celebratory nature fits the larger, more conventional pop moves here, a sort of “queering” of mainstream pop. There’s also more rapping here than ever, and it’s always fun to hear Monae drop some bars.

25) FUCKED UP - DOSE YOUR DREAMS

Image by CRUSTINA! via Flickr

Similar to the above, this is an album from a long time favorite of mine that didn’t grab me as much as their earlier efforts, and that also seems to be making some moves toward a more mainstream pop sound, though here of course it’s pop music featuring a bellowing, gravel voiced hardcore singer and a bunch of loud Cock Sparrer style guitar lines. This is a concept album, apparently about a character who quits his job and goes on a drug fueled odyssey through the nature of reality, learning to reject an oppressive capitalist society, which sounds like the plot of an 80s British comic book, and hey, the cover is basically ripped straight from the pages of Watchmen, so there you go. They try out a lot of different styles here, which can be a bit hit or miss, but the core of Fucked Up, the interplay between Abraham’s bombastic bellows and huge sounding guitars, is as raucous and triumphant as ever, if a little more familiar.

[swimmmusic]

Once upon a time, years ago, on an exceptionally cold December evening in New York City I had the pleasure of peeing in the stall adjacent to the singer of Bright Eyes, Mr. Conor Oberst. This will seem much more important by the end. Maybe. Once upon a time, not even a month ago I found myself in the consulting office of my bank, Wells Fargo. This particular Wells Fargo is inside of a grocery store in my neighborhood. This grocery store is called Smart & Final. There is a common consensus amongst my roommates about Smart & Final. This being that it sucks mega plums. I have no argument against this and further more I don’t believe their produce section could produce two plums to you know who/what/and/where with. Anyways, I frequent this store for three simple reasons. Proximity, necessity and laziness. If there is one thing I loathe more than grocery shopping it is laundry. One may be able to tell by the Fiat sized trash bag at the end of my bed filled with clothes waiting for their second chance. Not to worry ladies, I assure you what sounds like a lack of domestication is only the byproduct of the intense focus it takes for me to make that ‘1st million’. Forbes listers will all gripe over these hardships whilst cheers’ing their ‘El Presidentes’! Yes, I do realize that is a signature margarita at Chilis. I don’t care how many Bentley’s you’re waxing, those blue cups are just plain fun. I digress. Where were we? My first million? No. Laundry! No. Grocery shopping! Kind of. Once upon a time, just minutes before I sat inside that Wells Fargo office ready to discuss things (extremely) loosely related to my 1st million, I stood in front of the rotisserie chicken assortment. I dissected each with my eyes. One chicken had great color. A dark, crispy outside. Much too small in the breast though. One was bursting at the seams but lacked any of that crispy skin. Nothing kills the mood for me like an undercooked chicken. Finally I saw the perfect compromise between char and size. My eyes widened like two plums! I placed the chicken in my shopping cart, tenderly. Careful not to crush the Fish Sticks. Mindful not to smash the Beef & Bean Chimichangas. (aka my ‘chimis’, aka my ‘lil protein torpedoes’) I decided to pay a visit to the Wells Fargo office since it was a plum’s throw away from the roasted chicken stand. Rule #3 in Cookie’s Guide to Domestication… Either stay ‘in the know’ of your finances or stay in complete denial about your ‘lack of’ finances. Both are key to a positive disposition along the windy path to that first million. I waited for quite some time for the next available banker. Finally I checked. “Excuse me, I’m sorry to be annoying but I signed in like 15 minutes ago and my chicken is just sitting in the cart there getting cold.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My banker’s name was Oscar. And Oscar was asking me what I did for a living. “Oh I am just playing music right now.” “Oh cool, so are you in a band? What’s it called?” “Yup. It’s called Swim… with two m’s.” “Ah Swimm. Hmm. (apologetically) No I haven’t heard of you.” “Yea.. no that’s fine. We are nothing… really.” “So what do you do in the band?” “I sing and play guitar.” “Ohhhh singer! I knew you were the singer.” (Oscar smiled for a long time. His eyebrows were groomed impeccably.) “I had a friend who played guitar and sang. He was like AMAZING. He could have been famous for sure but I don’t know what happened. He lives around here. You two should like jam or something.” “Yes Oscar, we should make that happen. So, if I could just have that new card sent to my LA address then…” “So how much do you get paid when you play a show?” “Umm… well… it depends…” “Like when you do a tour, how much do you get paid each show?” At this point I felt like some of the polite small talk was becoming a bit intrusive. Not to mention I wouldn’t tell my Priest how little we were about to get paid on the upcoming tour. Smoke and mirrors baby! Fake it till you make it! Or at least until your bank account is made public knowledge. “Listen, Oscar, we are creepin on the come up. 2017 is gonna be our year and all that. Big things, man. Big things. Now I hate to rush you but I have a chicken in the cart out there that must be reaching some sort of bacteria ‘danger zone’.” (One impeccably groomed eyebrow lifts slowly) “Of course. Right away, sir. Just sign here and here and you can be on your way.” “Thanks… and hey, come out to The Troubadour if you don’t hate the music. That’s Swim… but with 2 M’s! K, bye.” At this point I was internally screaming all over the place. I nearly took my luke-warm chicken back to the stand but thought better of it. It could appear as though I was stealing the one I replaced it with. Alarms would sound. I’d be slammed down on the cashier’s conveyor belt. One clerk would yell, “Should we bag him up and take him out back for a good whoopin?!” The manager would turn to me and grimace, “Hell ya! Paper or plastic, muchacho?” Police would come and take me away. Oscar would come into the holding station as a material witness. “Oh yea, he had probable cause to steal that chicken, Officer. Trust me I just saw his bank account… if you could call it that!” Then the officer would ask me what I did for a living. Through a fat lip and bloody nose I would squeak, “I play in a band, sir.” “Oh is that right Sticky Fingers? What instrument do you play? Skin Flute?!? HAHA!” “Um, wow, Officer. Presumptuous much?” “You’re wearing a crop top and a dangly earring, son.” “Um… Have you not watched ‘Lost Boys’ lately? Kiefer Sutherland? Corey Haim? Hello? Plus we are in LA which makes 3 things undeniable… summer never ends, everyone is young forever and I def need a shirt that breathes.” The Officer just stares at me confused and asks, “So you’re in some sort of Vampire/Satanic worship band?” “No, sir. We play a blend of psychedelic pop fused with a bit of… well actually it is hard to define as we are known for ‘genre-hopping’. Not my favorite term but I get it. I mean I want our music to have a vibe but I also want to say something ya know? Of course I attribute it to an A.D.D. in our tastes and…” “Oh SHUT UP already!” the officer grunts. “What’s the name of your band anyway?” “Swim… (big sigh) with two M’s though.” “NEVER HEARD OF YA!” “Yea. No. You wouldn’t have.” “Any last words, Cookie? If that is your name?” “Well actually, if at all possible, in the report, the full name is Cookie Sugarhips. Which I realize isn’t helping my hetero-masculine cause here but as you can see with the crop, the hips literally don’t lie. Wouldn’t if they could. Oh and also when writing our band name, SWIMM, could you use all capital letters? It really jumps off the page when written like that and you’ll see the symmetry with the extra M is quite marvelous the way it….” “GET HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So… I didn’t return the chicken. But trust me there is a point to all this! I walked outside of Smart & Final. Defeated. Cursing many things that didn’t deserve it, including the chicken. I made my way to my car and started unloading the groceries into the trunk. Behind me were a couple of younger kids. One had a guitar and the other held a hat in his hand. I didn’t pay them much mind. Fury had occupied my mind. As I placed the warm milk jug into the car, careful not to smush the frozen pizza and mindful not to mash the Quesadilla Hot Pockets, the one teenager started playing a song that I recognized. Sure enough they both began singing “First Day of My Life” in a slight Mexican accent. This is my favorite Bright Eyes song and one of the best love songs ever written. Fact, not opinion. This song was the song that lifted my heart up to the ether when I first fell in love and tore it to bits all the same for years after. This song means the world to me. I walked slowly to the driver’s seat in disbelief and just sat there with the door open and listened to the whole song. My eyes watered. Possibly from the souring milk. I walked up to the guys and gave them a dollar and told them that was one of my favorite songs of all time. I wanted to hug them. I didn’t. They told me they play in a band called “The Rusty Pennies”. I told them I play in a band called Swim… with two M’s. Life is peculiar. You never really know what you’re waiting for. Once a few years back I was in a hellish long line waiting to use the bathroom at the Karen O musical “Stop the Virgens”. I thought I was going to pee myself from all the plastic cups of white wine. I grew perturbed, even panicked. But as luck would have it I ended up peeing in the stall next to Conor Oberst! Don’t worry I didn’t start singing the words of “First Day of My Life” to him. Almost certain I didn’t. I didn’t even thank him for writing one of the best loves songs ever. But hey, there he was, human just like me, with too much Chardonnay in the reserves. And sometimes that’s gotta be enough. I drove back from Smart & Final with no radio on, shaking my head in disbelief. I am thankful for these moments. Though few and far between, they find me. And each time, I feel like I “just woke up”. -Cookie All photos above taken by the lovely Linnea Rochelle Stephan from our first headline show at Troubadour with James Supercave. Final note from the author… Chimichanga is his favorite word. Just say it out loud. ‘CHIMICHANGA’. It is between that or ‘Hallelujah’ for the author. Both carry such weight… phonetically and literally. He felt as though you should know. K, bye.)

[anachef]

Review and Food Photos: Tutto Italia in Epcot’s Italy Pavilion

If you’re looking for decent Italian food in Walt Disney World, you don’t have to look too far.

Learn About: Tutto Italia Ristorante

Epcot Restaurants Disney World Restaurants

In every park (save Animal Kingdom) there are Italian restaurants — some better than others — and Disney Springs has several from which to choose (think: Maria & Enzo’s Ristorante, Terralina Crafted Italian, Enzo’s Hideaway Tunnel Bar). Even the resorts get in on the action with one of our favorites — Il Mulino — located at the Swan Hotel.

And then, of course, there’s the Italy Pavilion in Epcot’s World Showcase, where food is celebrated in several forms: pizza at Via Napoli, gelato at a cart outside, wine in the Tutto Gusto Wine Cellar, and classic Italian dishes at Tutto Italia.

Tutto Italia opened in 2013 in the space formerly occupied by Alfredo’s. And even though the name had changed, a lot of Alfredo’s remained. The overall styling of the restaurant was retained — murals, crystal chandeliers, and dark wood create an elegant atmosphere — while the menu satisfies with traditional Italian dishes.

It’s been a while since my last official review of Tutto Italia (see that review here!), so on a recent trip I decided it was time to return and see if this oft-forgotten spot is worth a more regular visit.

Outside Tutto Italia

Atmosphere

Tutto Italia’s design aesthetic features some classic, elegant elements. They combine to create a welcoming space that certainly doesn’t feel like you’re in the middle of Walt Disney World.

Main Dining Room

The crystal chandeliers cast warm light, highlighting the dark moldings on the ceiling. Murals depict Roman scenes with pillars, arches, and evergreens.

Atmosphere at Tutto Italia

Seating at Tutto Italia includes this beautifully upholstered banquette as well as padded chairs.

Banquette Seating at Tutto Italia

Seating toward the center of the main dining room also combines banquettes and chairs, and table settings are simple and functional.

Table setting

Adjacent to the main dining room is a bright, sunny space with several large windows letting in some natural light. This sun room is a lovely place to dine.

Sun Room Seating

Tutto Italia looks out over the courtyard of the Italy Pavilion, and on mild days, this outdoor patio seating is a treat. Shades and ceiling fans help to moderate the temperature, but when the shades are up, there’s plenty of people watching to enjoy.

Outdoor Seating

Patio seating is a more casual affair, with these slatted chairs and metal-footed tables.

Outdoor table setting

The overall feeling inside the restaurant may come off a bit stuffy for some, and those dining with children — while entirely welcome anywhere in the restaurant — may be more comfortable outside, where the vibe is more laid back.

Eats

One thing I’d prefer isn’t laid back: the food. Bring on the thoughtful plates of pasta, vegetables, proteins, and cheese! The lunch menu at Tutto Italia features fewer options than the dinner menu, omitting categories for Insalate and Panini, but it’s still got a good selection of dishes for a variety of tastes.

Dinner Menu

Whether you dine for lunch or dinner, you’ll receive bread and olives to start. The bread here used to be a nice, soft foccacia, but it’s seen a downgrade. The rolls were hard — literally hard — to eat. The sliced bread and breadsticks were fine but nothing special.

Bread, Olives, and Olive Oil

Green olives are large and fun for olive lovers. Not being a fan myself, I stick to the bread dipped in this high quality extra virgin olive oil.

Olives and Extra Virgin Olive Oil

I ordered two appetizers. The first — Prosciutto di Parma — featured some traditional prosciutto that was salty and rich. Fine but nothing special. But the Schiacciata Toscana it’s served with is outstanding!

Prosciutto di Parma

Schiacciata Toscana is an Italian flatbread, and this version is stuffed with dried figs. Between the texture of the bread and the subtle sweetness of the fig, it was awesome. I would happily have eaten a basket of this.

Fig Bread

The Tortino de Zucchine is a baked zucchini appetizer that’s made with pomodoro sauce, mozzarella, and Parmesan. The cheeses were surprisingly strong, but I loved that about it. (Diners who don’t love strong cheese might want to skip this one.) As a starter, it’s a great portion and offers some freshness with the vegetables. Vegetarians: this is a satisfying appetizer or meal. This was easily my favorite part of my entire meal (including dessert!).

Tortino de Zucchine

For one entree I went with Gamberi — essentially shrimp scampi. As pasta dishes go, this might be considered a lighter one due to the lemon-infused butter sauce. But, you know, pasta and butter sauce. This dish was fairly flavorful and fine.  Inspired? No. Exactly what I expected? Yes.

Gamberi

Tortellini Panna e Prosciutto came highly recommended by my server, and it was easy to see why as soon as the dish was put in front of me. Creamy, cheesy sauce coated al dente tortellini that was filled with even more cheese. The sauce was flecked with bits of prosciutto and peas, and the whole dish was dusted with grated Parmesan. It was incredibly rich and indulgent, and although it also wasn’t particularly inspired, it was satisfying.

Tortellini Panna e Prosciutto

Dessert was a slice of Mocha Tiramisu with mascarpone, espresso-soaked Savoiardi biscuits, and cocoa dusted on top. This wasn’t exciting, but it was well constructed and tasted as classic as it comes.

Tiramisu

And that’s essentially Tutto Italia in a nutshell: well-constructed and as classic, but nothing special or innovative (except maybe that fig bread and zucchini appetizer). If you’re looking for innovative cuisine or creativity, this is not the place for you. Italian food done classically and relatively well? Si.

Nosh or Not

Say buongiorno to Tutto Italia if: 

You’re looking for an Italian restaurant at Epcot that isn’t Via Napoli.

You need someplace relatively quiet to escape the crowds.

You love all things Italian: architecture, design, and food.

Row your gondola elsewhere if: 

You want really good Italian food at Walt Disney World (and don’t mind walking over to Il Mulino).

Italian food really doesn’t appeal to you.

You don’t have time for table service; Soarin’ awaits!

Overall

Tutto Italia is a perfectly passable Italian restaurant — good, even, by theme park standards. But with so many options in World Showcase, it’s hard to recommend regular visits to Tutto Italia. The food is good, not great, and it lacks a certain vitality that you can find elsewhere, even in elegant spaces like Le Cellier and more obviously energetic places like Via Napoli or Spice Road Table. Still, if you’re on a mission to try all of the Italian restaurants on property, you likely won’t be disappointed with the traditional experience you’ll find at Tutto Italia.

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Have you visited Tutto Italia? What did you think? Share with us in the comments! 

Related posts:

Review: Unique Eats at Epcot’s Spice Road Table in Walt Disney World!

Guest Review: The NEW Tea Experience at Epcot’s Rose & Crown Dining Room!

Review: Is Epcot’s Nine Dragons Worth a Visit? You May Be Surprised!

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