#maybe low creativity isn't always depression

[ragnarlothcat]

for truth & dare... ☁️, 🦴, 🏜️ and 🌿 :D

Thank you friend!!! 💙 (ask game)

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

I was aware of the (arguably) real guy and I liked the silliness of combining it with loth cats. Have you seen the episode of The Simpsons where Homer forms a barbershop quartet? When they're naming that they say "we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it" and that about sums it up.

However if I'd known a) that there was a TV show about Ragnar and b) that the obvious nickname for me would be Rag I might have chosen differently!

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing? 

I am nothing but an amalgam of everything I've ever read/seen but some influences are more obvious to me. As suggested by my previous answer, I think I take a lot from The Simpsons. Also I rewatched Veronica Mars for the first time in years and I see echoes of that in my noir fic and some of my non-fandom writing.

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I like all of them that aren't actively hostile! But I do enjoy it when people tell me things about their own lives or interests because I like responding to those best. When I get compliments I am obviously thrilled but I just send back thanks and then a bunch of hearts and exclamation marks. If someone says their cat was nearby while they were reading or that a setting reminds them of a particular city in real life I don't get so flustered and awkward because I have something I can say in return that isn't just about me.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

It's a recent thing for me so we'll see how effective it is long term but I'm getting into journaling. I know the first draft of a project is allowed to be bad but I have never been able to incorporate that knowledge into my own life so when I sit down to write I immediately need to be good and interesting. But nobody will ever see my journal and I'm just describing my thoughts so it doesn't matter if I suck! And once I'm done with that I feel more ready to tackle the scene I'm working on or whatever.

Low creativity to me sounds more like depression. I am not a doctor but when I've stopped having new ideas before it's because I was depressed. I guess there are lots of small things you can do about that but I felt better once I spoke to my doctor and got treatment.

[desertskiespodcast]

Mental illness does not care about your creative endeavors. It doesn't care about...well, anything. It just is. And what "it" is, is sometimes (most often) not conducive to a consistently productive artistic life. And damn. It sucks. Because all I wanna do is make and make and make. Create and create and build and craft and..yeah. And sometimes I can't make and make because of depression. You might know what that feels like. My particular brand of neurodivergancy means I'll spend seasons incredibly over the top productive in my creative pursuits (though those seasons have become fewer since I began pursuing mental health recovery) and other seasons when I'm too low to be productive (and those seasons are fewer too, but maybe not as infrequent as I'd like). And maybe you too are sometimes inhibited by the sudden worsening of your symptoms. You draw less, you write less, you act less, you...get the picture. The thing I wish I'd known when I was younger is this; the inability to produce art as consistently as I'd like is a really shitty reason to not make the art I love when I'm able to. I do not think that living with a mental illness automatically means a person is more creative. I do believe that I like the art a person suffering from a mental illness makes more than I would otherwise. I think the reason is this. Those who live with depression, anxiety, OCD and the like, they're more likely to embody the human condition in its extremes than those who live relatively symptom free (I'm so thankful that some of you live symptom free). It can be difficult to communicate emotions in art, it's always comes across just a little bit muted. That's not to say art isn't emotionally powerful. We know it can be! But what's in the head almost never gets completely out. What with all that bone and everything. But the person who feels the real big feelings is going to make something that, though slightly muted as it may be, will nevertheless come across extremely human. And as a human, I enjoy stuff that feels very human. Most people do. Human people that is. So, if you suffer as many do, with the symptoms of a mental illness, please make your art as your symptoms allow. There's no rush. We need what you make because it's going to make us feel what you feel because what you feel is amplified human emotion. It speaks to us. I feel the need to add this: Do not avoid the pursuit of mental health because you think being free of, or experiencing less of, your symptoms will ruin your art. It can't. You never forget the big feelings. Even when they're not there anymore. You never forget them. So do something with them.

[princelylove]

Good afternoon or morning your highness!! I cannot physically get Leone off my mind. I will be in my classes and find myself zoning out trying to create scenarios of him, but I lack creativity and always end up blanking. Your writings are exactly what I need, down to the way you words things, it’s all perfect, it’s all what I hoped it’d be. I was wondering how our dear Leone would be with a cold darling, a darling that is rather odd and off-putting with many similarities to him if you know what I mean. Thank you dear prince! :3

It kills him, to be entirely frank.

Leone is a chronic over-thinker, he takes small rejection as... big rejection. Those small, almost-funny comments drive him up the wall. He normally responds by scoffing, or he seemingly ignores them, but we both know he'll think about them for weeks in an attempt to dissect what you meant.

He always comes to the same conclusion, you just hate him. Leone doesn't see the nuance- he takes most people's behavior as-is, if you're acting like he's soooo damn annoying then he's probably doing something wrong. He'll try to rack his brain around it in his off hours, but when he comes up with nothing, he just drinks about it in an attempt to forget it's happening in the first place.

The mixed messages are pushing him over the edge. He doesn't understand it- is this a game?? Are you toying with him?? One second you're reaching over him to grab something and the next you're rolling your eyes whenever he speaks. ... Do you not like it when he scolds Narancia? You like Narancia. God. Why is he even trying????

If Leone's darling is consistently cold to him, he's 'fine' just loving you from a distance. It's a secret, between him and God. Sure, he cuts when he finds out you're with someone else (subjective, you just didn't push Narancia off immediately), but it's none of your business.

He's so depressed. There isn't a low like your love loving someone else. Of course you'd pick someone else, of course you find him to be annoying- he's constantly a dick to you, nobody wants a lover that isn't affectionate. Maybe it was never going to happen in the first place, you think he's hideous, like a beast...

It's not really recommended to lead him on. Leone's not the most stable individual. He may be more likely to act on impulse and take you if the opportunity presents itself, or he may be less likely, because he's already bothering you so much. It depends on if he's manic or not, and if there's any threat to your relationship.

[calaisreno]

Inspiration: Word Count

Re: Writing. Today I was thinking about word count. I use a writing program (Scrivener) which allows me to see how many words I've typed each day. It can sometimes be exciting to see how many words I typed last year (348,936) and depressing to see how many I typed yesterday (284). 

Overall, it's not productive to look at word count as an indicator of success. 

Here is my (non-professional) opinion, take it or leave it:

Don't set word count goals. Not even low goals. Not 2k words; not even 200.

Word count goals cause stress and put the emphasis on typing words, regardless of quality. It can give an illusion of progress, while real productivity (thinking a scene through, doing research, working on plot) may produce zero words today. 

Word count is not a good measure of productivity. Re-writing and editing take as much time (or more), and don't always produce more words. 

Word count reduces writing to an equation. If I want to write a 100k-word novel, that’s just 274 words a day! But a story isn’t just words. Writing is a process of adding words, cutting words, trying new words, deleting more words, writing a bunch more, starting over from scratch… 

Writing words simply to reach an arbitrary number is frustrating, not fun. It makes it a chore. (It’s like being the dieter at the birthday party. It should be fun, and that cake looks good, but your only goal is to get through it. If you’re writing for fun, you deserve cake.) 

Which is not to say that forcing yourself to write can't turn into inspiration and that runaway feeling when everything clicks. 

Which is also not to say that sometimes writers have to force themselves to write. Especially if they get paid to do it. That's another discussion.

And which is further not to say that writing a word-limit story isn't a creative challenge. These can sharpen your prose. 

Enjoy your cake, however small, however many other cakes are out there. You deserve it.

Disclaimer: I am not a professional writer. I do not get paid to produce stories. I write for fun and self-fulfilment. And it has been fun, and fulfilling. 

But it hasn’t been a piece of cake.

Sometimes get stuck or feel depressed or wonder what's wrong with me. This is why I started a list of Inspiration. Some of the ideas bulleted there are from other writers, and others are little epiphanies of my own. This one is an oft-repeated bit of advice, but I still see lots of writing advice that focuses on daily word count. Maybe that works for some people, but not for me. Do what works for you.

[impossiblyizzy]

Untitled Vampire Romcom | update #1

This is an update on how my current WIP is going! Intro post here.

I've been really stuck for a while, but I've started reworking the first few chapters and... it's going okay? I think?

[image description: a photo of Buttermere in the Lake District. It is autumn and there are low clouds over the hills. /end ID]

Most of what I've learnt about writing I've learnt from writing fanfiction (and I say that as someone with a degree in creative writing). Fic can teach you a lot about characterisation, dialogue, plot, tension... but it usually doesn't require much exposition, because the reader is already familiar with the characters and the world. Untitled Vampire Romcom is a 'hidden world' type fantasy where I have to introduce the reader to the world of vampires through the eyes of the main character, but before I do that I have to introduce a very specific part of the human world (the Lake District) and Jackie's relationship to it. There's also quite a lot of side characters that need introductions.

I'm also trying to juggle quite a lot with this story - it's a fluffly romcom that's also, like... horror? Maybe? Which really isn't my genre. I've been reading some vampire books to help me get the tone right (and also because of my current hyperfixation on vampires lol).

I do feel like I'm getting to know the characters better now, which always takes me a while. Darrell is my favourite - he is Blorbo From My Brain.

I ended up adding a trip to A&E, which is a staple of my stories (see This Time is Different and Don't Let the Good Life Pass You By). Here's an exerpt:

I get up and stretch, then wander down the corridor until I find a depressing little shop that mostly stocks trashy magazines. Vegan options are extremely limited so I get a packet of Oreos and a black coffee. I go back to my seat and mess around on my phone until Darrell comes back. ‘How did you become a vampire?’ I ask. ‘That’s a long story.’ ‘Can you crawl down walls like a lizard?’ ‘I prefer not to.’ ‘I guess that makes sense. You can get everywhere by flying.’ ‘On occasion, I also use the stairs.’

tagging @feeisamarshmallow and @stellarinuschronicles

[merrock]

CHARACTER INFORMATION

face claim: Chris Evans

full name: Thomas Elijah Browning

nickname(s) / goes by: Tommy, T

pronouns & gender: he/him/his cis man

sexuality: pansexual

birth date: june, 13, 1981

birth place: merrock, maine

arrival to merrock: since birth (previously left for months at a time for work)

housing: converted warehouse downtown

occupation: overseas seasonal miner, currently unemployed (seeking employment)

work place: TBA

family: cordelia browning (sister) and rosalyn browning (niece), ex-wife (tba)

relationship status: single

filling connection: cordelia’s older brother connection

PERSONALITY

+ Loyal, creative, reliable, immovable - Closeted, private, hot headed, escapist

Tommy finds he is most himself alone, or when things are slowed down, the expectations are low, and it's more about being genuine with a person than putting on a show. Joking is easier than therapy, keeping things light with people is easier than being honest. He isn't one for drama, has seen plenty of his own in the past, so he often sits back whenever he can. Don't mistaken this escapism as passiveness - he is not afraid to place himself between those he cares for and the cruelty of the world. Contridicting his well trained charisma, Tommy has lived most of his life with fear as his best friend. Being himself openly, sharing the passions he has, had always been shamed growing up. It is hard for him even now to open those doors to people. On his darker days he can bubble into something full of pain and anger, many of his decades old wounds still too tender to claim they were healed. Often he thinks he's lost his heart, that his chest is empty after all this time, but he fails to notice how it's pinned to his sleeve, touching everyone he holds on to.

WRITTEN BY: Jen (she/her), acst.

BACKGROUND / BIO

triggering / sensitive content: tw: alcoholism, abandonment, depression, homophobia

The eldest sibling of the Browning ensemble, Tommy now fights for the crown of greatest disappointment to his parents. Much like his baby sister he finds himself on the outside of a ‘family’ home, looking at its foundation full of cracks. Raised in Merrock, he had once been considered somebody but now he’s just happy to be himself. 

See, being the first born of a family who wanted the world to think they lived a perfect life came with a whole lot of expectations. He didn’t realise them as a child but by the time he was a teenager they were laid out before him, with the end goal to keep the family image in play. He was a Browning after all. Their name was supposed to mean something, come with a list of benefits. Yet, where they claimed they had money they were dodging bills, where they had connections they were crossing their fingers and wishing on stars. 

Tommy's relationship with his father seems like it had been straining ever since his voice deepened and he realised he could think for himself. Maybe some of it was being a teenager - acting out, rebelling - but it became more obvious with time his father expected more than what Tommy could give. Perfect grades, perfect girlfriends, perfect social circles and interests. The world nearly burned down when Tommy was caught with a boy he’d been curious over followed by the cold chill of denial, of unacceptance. They were to never speak of the forbidden; Tommy had a path to stay on and he would be forced along it whether he was happy about it or not.

College came at a cost, both financially and mentally. Whilst he’d developed an interest in art his parents had cut that out of him and demanded he follow a line of success they strived for: law. It would reward him with status, with money, with respect. Three things they clung to but never really owned. Tommy felt as if he had no choice, so in the end he did as he was told. 

During his twenties he had a steady career in law, moving up through the fields as he would. He fell in love with a woman who made his parents happy; they married too soon after his parents insisted it was tradition in their family line. He hears so often that twenties are supposed to be where you discover yourself, make mistakes, but instead he lost himself entirely. To a marriage taken on too soon to have a good foundation, to a career that stole his time and his passion, to a family who expected more and more when he had already given his everything. In the end he found his solitude in a bottle or two, using it to numb the growing pain of despair and regret inside of him. 

His marriage came to an end by the time he was 30, his parents disgusted he’d ever allow such a stain on their image. It felt like a breaking point to not even have support from his family when his own has ceased to exist. He was so very tired of playing the role of son and husband, having no idea who he was on his own. Eventually he snapped: he ended his law career, fought day and night with disgust over his parents views of the world, and started doing things differently. He didn’t care how he looked when he took a job as a carpenter, or when he trained to do electrical work. He picked up night shifts at bars or helped out businesses around town with deliveries. Whatever paid his bills. He found the jobs where he got to use his hands the most rewarding, and he enjoyed the socialising he found in others. 

By 35 he was divorced, removed from his family unit (though still talking with his siblings) and fluttering from one job to another whenever change felt necessary. He came across an opportunity to see a new part of the world - a remote mining job contract where he would be fully trained and supported overseas. It would pay him more than his odd jobs and only take up three months of the year. He decided to give it a go, running away for a little while. It was hard work - messier than anything he’d ever done, long hours, the living conditions were horrible, and yet he kept coming back each year. It was an escape of sorts - from the man he was told to be, from everyone’s thoughts of who he is now. For three months of the year he could be a wild animal, messy and crude. He would drink and play cards with the boys, swear like he was born a sailor, and no one would look twice at him. When he got home he had money to live off but would go back to his odd jobs to find money to play with. He invested some of it into a warehouse he was converting into his home, and some went into his old hobbies he’d left behind because someone else decided he didn’t need them. It allowed him to live, so he happily sweated through the hard work.

When his baby sister Cordelia fell pregnant to a married man he was disappointed in choices of men but not in who she was. It was bewildering to find his parents and siblings discarding her over it, reminding him all too much of the way they cut him off any time he strayed from their path. To them this was a wild scandal - and for others around town too. For Tommy this was his little sister needing help and he wasn’t going to turn his back on her, he never would. Tommy grew furious at his family for the way they treated her - he had accepted it for so long being targeted at him but to watch Cordelia have the same treatment left him losing all hope in the remaining Brownings. In the end it was them against the world - Tommy stayed home the year Cordelia was pregnant and the following when baby Roselyn was given as a gift to the world. He adores his niece and sister, and is very protective more now than ever after what she had been through. 

Tommy has just returned from Australia, tired and tan. He hasn’t told anyone yet but this was his last time in the mining field, feeling as if the last two years has shown him there is more to life here in Merrock and that maybe, just maybe, he was getting a little old for running away.

[hiraethprinmec]

Tuesday, January 9th, 2024

I've been having a hard time lately. I feel weak struggling with addiction. waking up late, not doing much of anything. I miss who I used to be loose, creative, financially free. I wonder if I can ever be that way again. I want to be different , I want a spectacular life. I want to be pretty successful, happy. I know mostly what I need to do but I've been just not doing it. I wake up late in the evening in a dirty room, I smoke, eat and play games on a loop. I want to write , paint, meet people. I've just been in a rut, feeling so tired. I want this to be my year. I want to smoke right now, its only been a minute or two since my last puff, its what I do everyday upon waking.

sometimes I wake up and I cant believe this is my life, I sit there and remember who I am and what I do. I wish I could turn back time and do thing differently. knowing what I do now. I kind of like this writing it feels like the piano. maybe this will help me . I want to believe I can be even better than before. I've been fumbling for so long I want to be different, the comfort of hitting a vape and feeling something, relaxing its something I don't want to quit. I'm considered a heavy smoking , that concerns me. when I think of quitting I always think of Sunday playing DnD, I think but "I want to smoke on Sunday" so maybe ill do my best to not smoke as much or at all until Sunday. I sometimes think of getting one of those time sensitive safes, maybe it would work or maybe it'd kill time and sleep till it opened for me.

i know i have a problem, i miss weed, i miss money, i miss feeling on top of the world. i wish i could go back in time. i struggle to do the dishes ,clean my room , brush my teeth, go out. everything feels wrong and undoable. i wish people knew who i was, i wish i could be myself. no one knows of my diagnosis, they would think i was lying and cringe. i would do anything to be normal. i want to be desired, unique. i know i just said i want to be normal and unique. what i mean is the way i am isn't the good kind of unique, i am odd and ugly. i want to be a bit odd and pretty. the kind of girl someone is intrigued by. this is all quite self loathing but i am the only one who will read it . the tip said stream of consciousness and these are my thoughts I try and not think of.

I don't want to smoke that bad when I am writing like this maybe I am smoking so much because my brain is so tangled and I am bored most of the time do to the low energy. i think this is good for me. I'm only 530 words in but this is very insightful. i feel like I'm going to sleep better tonight already.

i get stressed out thinking of tomorrow, I don't want to be on this earth and i think that's the problem. i must do things to maintain myself and I'm not even happy. what a waste i feel. i wish i wrote down what i felt when i was younger maybe i wasn't happy then either.

i want write a story about zombies, they always say be the change you want to see in the world and i want more zombie media. I lack confidence clearly. maybe i will do a meditation after this, some affirmations. I want a good life for myself I just get so overwhelmed. i don't know what I'm going to say to my therapist on Thursday am i going to lie about smoking or tell the truth. its a phone session so i think she will worry about me. id like to think I would have gone in person this week if grandma was in town. i need to learn to drive that is a shame point for me. almost done with the 750 i kind of don't want it to end so that's a good thing. I like this I'm going to do my best to stick with it.

I've been looking at daily routines of people on YouTube, famous people. i am feeling motivated, i feel scared too because what if its gone in the morning. I've gone through so many bouts of depression and relapses that i think I've just resorted to lying down and rotting. i don't want to be that way. in my mind life is a story and that is a sad and boring one.

Michelle my therapist would be happy at my progress today and i am too. i woke up talked to my dad, asked for help which i have a hard time doing and i didn't put it off and script it. i asked as soon as the problem arrived. after that i made my bed , tidied a bit. i cooked cornbread and black-eyed peas, maybe that where I've gotten this luck. i made it the way my grandma does. i need to let people in , i need to ask for help. the people in my life don't know I'm struggling. I'm sure they can sense it, but i put on a front every time and act nonchalant.

inside i am filled to the brim with drama and feeling. i am over the edge with ideas and emotion. there is so much that i want to do and so many things i want to be. i am sick of myself. this year i am going to be different . i want peace, happiness and i sense of belonging in this world. i am going to forge a purpose for myself, things and thoughts to be proud of. these feeling scare me , change has that effect on me. its the autism and trauma. i can doing great things . just because things are hard for me doesn't mean I'm bad at them. i feel bad that things a lot because of how much mental anguish i have , but most things i do , i do well.

I'm proud of myself , I cleaned under my bed and mostly swept my room, made dinner that was healthy. I plan to paint this evening. I'd like to light an incense and a candle.

i only have one pod for the next 5-6 days , that means ive gone through 3 since friday night and its Tuesday night, so i guess around 5 days. these next few days might be rough. my overindulgence and poor planning is going to get the best of me. i feel zapped of motivation when i think about not having much left. im snacking on some BBQ chips, that gives me some dopamine. its 10:18pm right now. i want to paint in a bit i know ill be thinking about my low supply when i do. i like to smoke when i paint. i worked on my DnD character a bit ,not finished but some progress. i got a bit confused and that triggers me to smoke and feel discouraged, a bit dumb.

I don't know what I'm going to paint. I started last night and its just abstract colors. maybe ill paint figures and flowers, I usually do that . ill listen to my new audio book while i do it. she's interesting and strong in mind, just like who id like to be. over all im weary but optimistic about starting this writing habit thing . it makes me feel accomplished and I actually want to do it. i don't want to do anything most days so this feeling is welcome and exciting.

so lets plan my next hour or two, i grab a candle and an incense , come back to my room light it , find some music , some water. ill stand up to paint, keep it abstract and loose. i need to think less paint more, ideas will come to me. i want to smoke i have the urge right now, i want to rip open the package of my last pod and puff puff puff. it really is a addictive chemical, and the choke hold it has me in. its cold tonight 37 degrees outside. my stomach feels weird , I feel a bit anxious. its because I don't have the freedom to hit my juul as I please .I'm rationing now.

I like getting all of my this out of my head. I feel clear, I'm glad I saw this 750 words thing. feels less lonely and like place where i can be me, i don't really know who i am but as i talk more ill be able to see more clearly. the past few months I've just been doing very base level activities , I don't want to just survive i was to thrive, create be someone i am proud of. what to paint something atmospheric, colorful, somber.

im listening to the last of us soundtrack right now and its so peaceful. writing has helped my brain feel clear . everything i think i write, it helps me figure things out. usually i just get overwhelmed and try to distract with games or videos. rather than think i just push every thought and dream away. what are my dreams? i want to be a great painter, a good person. i have regrets. i want to be a painter people admire, i want to be proud and love my work. i want to be able to sustain myself on my art , thrive on it. i want to do interviews and make videos about creating. i want to be happy and free from my vices. i want to live a long life with the people i love. i want to create without needing a substance . i want to be surrounded by my work on every wall. by the end of my life i want hundreds many a thousand paintings. i want long beautiful hair and a bright mind. i want to be kind and empathetic. fun to be around and enriching to talk to. im only 21 i can do these things i just have to change my life and stay true to my dreams. i don't want to old and regret my life.

i need to be conscious, deliberate with my time here. i can do this, i can be who i want to be. i am smart , i am kind, i am beautiful, i am talented, i have a vision. i can do hard things. i lit the candle and the incense, with the intention of trying to get back in touch with my spirituality and being positive. i used to have a lot of faith and i want to again. things will work out for me i just need to work for myself. i deserve happiness and success, love and light. i will succeed this year it will be the best year so far so help me god. I'm going to start looking for signs again, asking for them too. ill pray every night. take care of myself and my surrounding.

im really happy i found writing. when i know what im thinking i can take it seriously, identify what i want and what i dont. Keep my brain and hands occupied. smell is something i dont think of often its important, changes your perspective, adds novelty to your moments, brings me deeper into this life. i need to start engaging all of my senses. smell with incense and candles perfumes. taste is easy, just eating. touching soft clothes, slime, painting. seeing beautiful things, painting again, viewing art, photos ,videos, nature. hearing music, asmr, silence when needed.

2024 words at the beginning of 2024. i like just sitting here writing about nothing, i wonder if its productive. i dont really care, its helping me and i feel nice. i want to keep up with this its cool and it will be interesting to look back on in the future. see everything i was thinking and wishing. let me think goals for this month. make a painting, start to write some of a zombie book, be more active, drink more water. starting medium, may be small for some people but i need to ramp up to doing more ive been sedentary for so long.

this is peaceful i know ive said it alot but i havent felt this way in a long time. like i have a purpose, something i can do, something i want to do. what do i want my paintings to say? I struggle with that alot. my mind is mostly blank thinking about it. i want to incapsulate how i feel, how i see things. how do i feel and how do i see things? otherworldly, out of place, desperate to be free, to be understood, to belong.

[mycroftrh]

whats the ice cream bar approach ?

So, @bipolarings has a post talking about this a little already, but I'm always happy to be given an excuse to blather about brains :D

The ice cream bar/sundae bar metaphor was originally created to describe the autism spectrum, but it works really well for other things too, including bipolar disorder. I'mma adapt it a lil bit here, in fact, to make it work even better. Yay me.

The principle is this: instead of trying to divide up bipolar disorder into I/II/NOS/etc, or classify it as 'severe' or 'mild', picture it as a sundae bar.

Now, every day, you make yourself a sundae. You can take as many toppings as you 'want' and as much of each topping as you 'want'.

There are some toppings that go well together, so, for instance, if you take a lot of euphoria there's a good chance you'll also get some hypersexuality, some delusions of grandiosity, some creative drive, some ambition, some psychomotor agitation. And that would be called a 'manic episode'. You could get somewhat less of each, maybe leave off the delusions of grandiosity, and people might call it a 'hypomanic episode'. Even less and people might call it 'euthymia'.

But the thing is, you don't have to get it that way, and you can take any amount of each! So you might get low mood but a lot of psychomotor agitation, irritability, and disregard of consequences. Or you could get a huge amount of emotional numbness but combine it with the stuff other people like to put with euphoria. Or you could get just a bit of low mood but spice it up with hallucinations and delusions (other). Or you could get a lot of delusions of grandiosity but only a tiny amount of euphoria.

And what you get one day doesn't determine what you get the next. You could spend years getting nothing but the 'hypomania combo' and the 'depression family-size' and then one day decide to dump the entire bowl of euphoria in your cup and top it with so many delusions it starts to spill over the sides. Or maybe you've only ever gotten small, carefully curated sundaes with a healthy amount of two or three toppings but today you just tell the server 'fuck me up' and get some of absolutely everything.

Without all the metaphor:

While certain sets of symptoms commonly appear together, and are then labeled 'mania', 'hypomania', 'depression', or 'euthymia', symptoms don't have to appear in those particular combinations. (Also the DSM isn't necessarily even right about what combinations are common.)

You could also have different proportions of symptoms than someone else does. (And that doesn't necessarily make your disorder or theirs automatically more 'severe'.)

Even if you do only get common combinations of symptoms, that says nothing about how 'severe' it is. If you get an enormous amount of emotional numbness, lack of motivation, executive dysfunction, suicidality, paranoid delusions, and disregard of consequences, continuously for 98% of your adult life; and someone else gets one (1) single 3 day long episode with a medium-sized serving of delusions of grandiosity, hallucinations, and disregard of consequences; they'll probably be diagnosed with Bipolar I and you with Bipolar II, but your life is probably being affected a lot more.

What symptoms you get can also change, which can include changing from what a psychiatrist might call 'Bipolar I' to 'Bipolar II', or 'BP-II' to 'BP-NOS', or whatever. You haven't magically gotten a new disorder. You just got a different sundae today. You're still eating at the same sundae bar.

[villainess-noble-girl]

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

Title: Second-Year Valentine's Day

Author: meiberry

Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12852677/1/Second-Year-Valentine-s-Day

Fandom: Kenkyo Kenjitsu

Pairing: EnjouXReika

Photo: https://www.pixiv.net/en/artworks/67148847

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

"No. I'm not going to take it. It's going to make me sleepy. Plus it tastes like soap."

The muffled voice of Yukino came from beneath the covers. The IV drip tube poked out from the ball of sheets in the hospital bed.

Shuusuke sighed at his little brother's stubborn actions. Good thing he came prepared for this. "Yukino. Kisshouin-san wrote you a letter."

The ball of sheets shifted, and Yukino's head popped out from beneath the covers, his doe peering up at Enjou in surprise. "...Reika-oneesama?"

Shuusuke held up a small pink envelope with "Yukino-kun" written in neat handwriting in the center. Yukino reached for it when Shuusuke swept it back out of reach with a gentle smile.

"..." Sullenly, Yukino obediently drank the medicine. Watching as he finished it, Shuusuke patted his head and handed him a glass of water with a piece of candy to take care of the medicine's bitter aftertaste. Yukino popped the candy in his mouth with one hand and eagerly held out the other, looking up at Shuusuke expectantly. Shuusuke handed him the letter and watched as his little brother opened it earnestly.

In the beginning, Shuusuke was pretty surprised to see him get along so well with an older girl. Usually, Yukino was not so nice. He was a really smart kid for his young age, and many older girls had been trapped by his soft, harmless facade only to be humiliated and insulted beyond repair. But recently, Shuusuke found that with Kisshouin, Yukino seemed to genuinely act like his appearance.

Shuusuke could see why. Kisshouin clearly didn't have any ulterior motives when speaking to Yukino. Older girls usually saw Yukino as a means to an end. If they weren't patronizing then they were obsequious, obviously trying to use the younger brother to get to the older one. But when it came to Kisshouin… if anything, it was as if her treatment of the two brothers was reversed. In the ten years of knowing her, the very first time that Kisshouin started a one-on-one conversation with Shuusuke that lasted longer than one minute happened to be because Yukino. It was a dreadfully humbling experience. Yukino has sure put up with a lot these past few years.

In any case, no matter how devilish he was to other people, in the end, Yukino really was still a little boy, and Shuusuke was simply grateful that he was able to be just a normal, cute kid with someone, even if it was a girl who clearly didn't put Shuusuke in her eyes.

He watched peacefully as his little brother's eyes happily flew across the letter.

"Kisshouin-san really cares about Yukino."

Yukino shot a glance over at him, "What? Is oniisama jealous?" And then he continued reading his letter.

"And don't think that I don't realize you told her to write this to make me obediently stay in the hospital."

Shuusuke smiled wryly. When he could tell Yukino was finished reading, he continued, "Well, Yukino seems to really like Kisshouin-san. I thought maybe you would listen if she asked you personally."

Yukino smiled, happy from finishing Kisshouin's letter. "Yeah, I do like her. Reika-oneesama is really nice and she's not just pretending. Do you want to read it, oniisama? I'll let you read it, since you asked her to write this for me. I'm going to the bathroom."

Yukino handed the letter to Shuusuke as he climbed out of bed and grabbed at his drip stand to roll it into the bathroom in the room.

Shuusuke blinked at the letter in his hands. Although he didn't ask to read it, he was honestly pretty curious. What did she say to Yukino to cheer him up, anyways?

The letter was not very long, and it fit neatly on the cute stationary decorated with little birds and vines.

Yukino-kun,

Enjou-sama told me that you are admitted to the hospital. I am worried for your health. Your family must be even more worried than me. I hope you take care of your body because many people care about you very much, and we want for you to quickly become well again. With that said, I hope you listen to the doctor so that you can leave the hospital soon. I know that sometimes it is really hard to do something you don't like. But experts have their reasons for their advice.

Recently I have been learning to make desserts from a friend. To be honest, my dessert-making skill is much farther behind my cooking. I think I know what to do when I try to be creative and individual with my own ideas, but actually, my friend tells me that the greatest mistake in baking is not following from the recipe. This is completely different from cooking, where not following the recipe is not that big of a deal. When I listened to my friend, I made a dessert more delicious than anything I'd ever made in my life! I realized at that moment, ah, so that is the difference between a normal person and an expert. With that said, I hope you understand the importance of listening to experts such as your doctor.

When you come back, you'll be able to see your other friends and me in the Petite Pivoine salon again.

Wishing you a quick recovery,

Kisshouin Reika

By the time Yukino returned from the bathroom, Shuusuke had already finished reading the letter and had set it on the tray over the foot of Yukino's bed.

"So, what did you think of Kisshouin-san's letter? Are you going to listen to her when she asks to you listen to to doctor's advice?"

"I guess." Yukino sat at the foot of the bed and picked up the letter again, folding it and carefully putting it back in its envelope before he flopped back into bed, pulling the covers over himself. "The way she asks me to listen to the doctor is just less irritating than when you ask me to listen to the doctor."

Shuusuke helped put the covers over Yukino.

"I wonder why Reika-oneesama is learning to make desserts." Yukino looked at Shuusuke, his eyes widening. "Valentine's Day is coming up, isn't it? I wonder what Reika-oneesama is making…"

"Hmm. Who knows."

"I wonder if she's learning to bake something for the person she likes..."

"Hmm. Who knows."

Yukino's eyes widened like big dark marbles as he looked at Shuusuke.

"You're curious, too, aren't you oniisama? Ne, ne, what kinds of sweets has oniisama received from Reika-oneesama on Valentine's day?"

"Actually, I've never received anything from Kisshouin-san on Valentine's Day."

"Ehhhhh!"

Shuusuke thought about how in the ten years since he's known Kisshouin Reika, she has never given anyone Valentine's chocolates. Year after year, the whole school secretly held its breath in wonder at who the Goddess Kali of Suiran would afflict with her attentions. And year after year the answer was an anti-climatic… nobody.

Kisshouin Reika never gave anybody at Suiran chocolates for Valentine's day. Him and Masaya were not excluded.

Ah, wait, that's not right. Last year she gave courtesy chocolates to the student council president. In fact, Shuusuke was the one who pointed this out to Masaya... Even though she had done it in secret, for Kisshouin Reika to give chocolates to a guy at Suiran was no small matter and in the end the word leaked anyways. Because she had done it pretty secretively, there were no massive rumours, but the thing about secrets was that they always spread. Shuusuke heard about it from the more low-key sources.

Back then, he had remembered how she seemed to have had a crush on the same student council president back in middle school, but nothing had happened even after all these years. For nothing to have happened all this time, what other conclusion was it other than unrequited love? He hinted at this story of camaraderie to Masaya in hopes of inspiring him to move on with his life. Unrequited love was not the end of the world. Just look at Kisshouin-san.

Who knew that the whole thing would have worked out so beautifully at graduation. Tomoe Senju actually had a girlfriend! And he called Kisshouin Reika a sister in front of everybody. Masaya was so moved by Kisshouin's composure and courage. Shuusuke felt like he was watching Masaya watch a romance movie. Out of all the times that he's taken advantage of Kisshouin, Shuusuke felt most proud about the way that one turned out. Witnessing the way Kisshouin "handled" the student council president's "public rejection" totally inspired Masaya and brought him back from depression. He completely recovered from Yurie's rejection after that.

Yukino's marble eyes seemed to glitter in wonder as he looked up at the handsome young man sitting beside the bed.

"Wow, even though every year it seems like you get chocolates from every single girl we know, there is actually one girl who has never given you any chocolates… not even once! Hehhh..."

Yukino did not look or sound sympathetic at all with the the corner of his lips twitching upwards.

"That reminds me... when we first met and I introduced myself, Reika-oneesama made a 'geh!' face when she heard my name, like she was really saddened to hear that Oniisama was my oniisama... I thought that maybe she hated you!"

"Hmm. I sure hope Kisshouin-san doesn't hate me. But if she does hate me, then that's unfortunate."

"No, no. I don't think Reika-oneesama hates you, Oniisama! She probably doesn't even think about you at all."

"..." Shuusuke's expression remained serene as he stayed silent.

Yukino looked at his face and suddenly giggled. Shuusuke joined in with a few chuckles. For a short moment, they laughed together.

"Ahahaha…"

"Hahaha…"

"..."

"..."

Yukino turned over in bed. "Don't worry, oniisama. Maybe one day Reika-oneesama will also remember to give you chocolates, too."

"..."

"Oh yeah, oniisama, could you find me something to write with? I want to write Reika-oneesama a reply."

"...Alright. I'll go find you some paper."

The next morning, Shuusuke thanked Kisshouin for her letter to Yukino. She looked really happy that it helped. Yeah, it was really useful. She was pretty humble.

"Yukino said that it was fun to read about making sweets."

"I could only think of unimportant things to say… well..."

Hm, there it was. Shuusuke could always hear the instant whenever it sounded like Kisshouin was trying to wrap up a conversation and escape. Usually, he'd just let her go. But for some reason, he didn't feel like it this time. The words Yukino said yesterday skipped around his mind, reviving an old and annoying itch.

"So Kisshouin-san is making sweets. Could it be that on Valentine's day..."

"Umm…" He watched as Kisshouin's eyes lowered, her cheeks blushing very lightly. He could imagine her cheeks must have been warm to the touch now. "Yes..."

"Hn."

It'd be a lie to say that he never expected any chocolates from Kisshouin Reika. It wasn't to say that he wanted her chocolates or anything like that. In fact, the idea of actually eating Kisshouin Reika's handmade sweets seemed like something that belonged to the realms of extreme adventures and chemically dangerous thrill-seeking. Although, whether or not Reika's chocolates are edible, Shuusuke wouldn't want to eat them anyways, as he didn't have a sweet tooth, but...

...He still expected to get them.

It was about logic. If a girl knew Enjou Shuusuke, then she would give him chocolates on Valentine's day. (The same applied to Kaburagi Masaya.) Three of five of chocolates would be honmei. That was the rule. He knew it was a very unique and extraordinary rule. Certainly not every boy in the world had the ridiculous privilege of receiving a mountain of chocolates and sweets from all the girls he knew. But, that was his experience.

In accordance with his life experience, it was natural to expect chocolates from a girl he knew when he's always received chocolates from every girl he knew. With no exceptions.

Except this one.

[magicmanias]

Congrats on your 800 follower milestone! Could I have a pairing please? Maybe a short situation too? I'm greedy for escape!

I'm under average height, fluctuate between uk size 6-8 but feel more comfortable in bigger sizes for comfort! After years of experimenting with my hair colour, I'm finally growing my natural shade out which is light brown/auburn and wavy. But it's mostly dyed blonde 'cept for the roots atm.

I'm at a crossroads on what I want to do with my career and kinda have low self-esteem regarding my capabilities.

I've been healing from trauma for the majority of my twenties, so I'm kinda lost on where I fit. I used to be arty and creative and I feel I've lost that over time.

I'm interested in all kinds of history, psychology, filmmaking, art and generally how things come to be/the contstruction of things.

I'm organised but messy. I don't want children, ever. If I'm in a good mood and on form I'm good with kids but if I'm in a depressed mood I am like...not present lol. Cats and dogs for me, thanks.

I try to take pride in my appearence and aesthetic, but go through funks of being a complete mess. Rn I'm wearing an XL camo shirt and blue tie die sweat shorts.

Random facts? I have a dimple in my chin that I once wanted to be corrected because I thought it made me ugly 😂 I realised I was bisexual (pan, really) when I saw Drew Barrymore in Charlies Angles when she's wearing that racing car jumpsuit 🥵 fuck. me. I felt *things*. I love collecting house plants but I'm really bad at keeping them alive. I've recently been teaching myself German and Spanish.

My dream is to be self-sufficient. To be able to travel and live somewhere that isn't my hometown. I just want that experience of being in a foreign city on my own and building up my life from the bottom. (Like, I want to go to NY and live there for a year!) And I want to go to a comic con and get my nerd on.

My type... kinda hard to pin down. If you're honest and funny and don't take yourself too seriously? Don't condescend anyone. Empathetic, supportive. Spontaneous. Weird. Accepting. Willing to learn and be open to new ways of thinking/doing sh*t.

Narcos and Prospect are my favorite works of Pedro's. Would be cool to see him doing live theatre, though.

Thank you in advance xxxxx

I ship you with... Ezra!

You’ve got some blond, just like our poetic friend here.

He loves it when you dye your hair. Brings a bit of light into the ship. Most of the time you’re waiting in the dark until you pass a moon or star.

Sometimes he doesn’t know what color your hair is until those moments. He looks forward to them.

Every prospector is at a crossroads with what to do with their life. Ezra tells you he planned on becoming an English teacher at one point or another...

As adept as he is at speaking his mother tongue, learning other languages was never something he picked up.

When you tell him that you know a few ancient languages from the blue marble, he is more than elated to learn some phrases to pass the time in the freighter.

If you’re insecure about your own capabilities, Ezra can’t help but empathize. Now without his right hand... well, hand, he’s had a difficult time doing even basic tasks. When you first met him, Ezra struck a deal with you. If he taught you how to survive on the Green, you would help him perform the tasks he was once able to do with ease, and maybe teach him more... español.

That old tape of Charlie’s Angels you scrapped has almost been completely worn out from the amount of times you and Ezra have watched in the pod.

History is so complicated, but you’re an informal expert. When Ezra has trouble sleeping at night, terrors of the Green invading his mind, you let him rest his hand in your lap, and you tell him stories about a man named Napoleon who took over a continent and the pirate queen of seas.

You want to travel? Well, it is in the job description. You travel to a new planet every other month, Ezra by your side. He’s been to more planets than you—been at the prospecting game longer—so he tells you stories about all the places he’s seen. One night, he promises you he’ll show them all to you.

Messy? Uh, just the norm at this point. It’s fine though. Ezra knows where everything is in what he calls the “organized disarray.”

Kids. Ezra hadn’t really thought about having kids... His life is no life for children, so he doesn’t really bat an eye when you say you don’t want kids. Just life on the Green for you.

The small pod is really bland, but when you start collecting plants from foreign planets, Ezra loves how lush and effervescent the atmosphere in your small living space has become. He appreciates your efforts to add more color into the ship vey much.

Ezra is pretty much everything you were looking for minus one arm (not that you mind). He’s understanding, silly, eager to do new things, and always ecstatic to learn new things.

Fun fact: Ezra likes your aesthetic.

[fihyn]

hmmm lace, bands and coffee!

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

I actually think completely honestly that my last 3am convo was with you rey haha gotta love timezones,, I think it was maybe this past weekend?

I haven’t made a friend in a purely creative space in a long time, and that was something I thought about when we first started talking more! We’re at very different stages in our lives since there’s a pretty big gap in our ages but seeing you handle so many hurdles that life has thrown your way with the sort of soulful comittment you have to compassion and understanding has been awe inspiring. I’m always kind of hesitant to tell my younger friends this haha because I never want to come across as patronizing but I am so proud of you and proud to know you.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

I discovered the band Eden in 2017 when I was going through a really turbulent period in my life, and then I hit a pretty low period in my life (not the lowest I’ve ever been lol but still) around the time his second album came out. looking back now, the kind of larger-than-life music from his first album followed by the almost depressing sound of his second album mirrored a lot of things that were happening to me in real time. There’s a few lyrics I can think of that resonated powerfully for me.

“This is my life, I will not run in circles, ending where I start.”

“Have I lost sight of everything I've worked for? Did I get this all wrong?”

“And if you want you can breathe on your own. This isn't what I thought but it's beautiful.

Call it what you want but I call it growing up.”

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

I like lattes and dark roasts with cream and light sugar! But the crucial part of any coffee order I get is decaf. haha I think I’d only trust someone who cares about me to remember that part of the order because I have a minor heart condition and too much caffeine will cause pretty uncomfy chest pains for me. So I might not ask a random coworker to get coffee for me but I’d trust pretty much any close friend with it! c:

[13-timeslove]

Thirteen Time Ch1: The Docks

“I can’t believe he made pushed up my deadline again!” You groaned loudly into your Akita plushie. “I told him that this part of the manuscript needed more time considering I had to do more research! And what does he do?! Pushed up another fucking week!”

Your roommate Alice sighed as you continued to roll in your bed. She placed her hot milk onto the side table before sitting by the edge and patting your head. You only groaned once more before rolling into her lap. “My editor is an ass”

“You could always get a new one”

“...but he’s a good editor” you sigh dramatically.

“Then don’t complain sweetie”. Alice began to stroke your (h/c) hair as you laid in her lap, a small habit that has formed between your friendship. “Besides, it’s only one week difference. How bad can it be?”

“It’s awful when you have writer’s block”

“Oof”

You turned your head around, looking up at the black haired girl. “Why couldn’t I be smart like you? I wish I had your brain” She started laughing.

“Bitch you don’t want my position! Medical school is such a pain in the ass. You’re the lucky one with your brilliant creative mind, and nagged a job right out of college”

“Shut uppp. You’re better than me”

“No I’m not. And make me” she said while slapping a pillow to your face.

You squealed and rolled off her lap in an attempt to escape her attacks, sitting on the floor giggling to yourself. Alice followed suit and sat next to you, giving you the chance to rest your head against her shoulder. “This is why you’re my best friend”

“This is why I’m your only friend”

“Ouch!”

“Kidding”, you both laughed together. This is what your life with her was like, sarcastic jokes and compliments that neither of you would truly accept.

Alice was there for your since the beginning of college, from the time you accidentally spilled ink on her white pants because of sleep deprivation, to your graduation last year, and even to your heartbreaks. She was always there.

“Hey, Alice”

“Yeah?”

“What time is it?”

“Bout 5:30, why?”

You got up from the ground, and grabbed your blue jacket from the floor. “I’m going to take a quick walk, maybe seeing the sunset will clear my writer’s block”. Alice leaned over your desk to toss a small box over to you.

“Don’t forget these”. You caught them, knowing very well that they were your candy cigarettes. “Still don’t understand why you like that stuff?”

“Because they are yummy” you replied happily. She only scoffed, shaking her head sighing. “Don’t wait up. I’ll be back in half an hour”

“Be safe”

“Will do!”

You started to head out of your apartment complex, walking down the street. You pulled your iPod out of your pocket and continued to walk down the street. “High hopes” was blasting through your headphones, and you honestly didn’t care about the people staring at you head banging in the middle of the side walk. Hell, you even made eye contact with them and mouthed the lyrics hoping they would sing along somehow (some did fortunately).

Eventually, you felt the cold breeze of the shore biting at your open skin. You zipped up your jacket close. Pulling out the candy box, you took out a candy cigarette and placed it between your lips.

You found a spot close to the edge of the wooden rail and leaned against it. Chewing the end of the candy cigarette, you found that all stress in your body left. The sun was close to falling behind the waves, giving the sky a red and purple ombré (you couldn’t help but take a photo for instagram). This is nice, you thought.

....

....

“No, no girl. Leave her be”

You felt a nudge at the end of your leg, seeing a small dog bitting at your jeans. If you were a cartoon character, your head would’ve exploded at how cute this dog was.

“Hi baby!” You said in an overly high pitched voice. You knelt down to its level, letting the cutie jump in your lap and lick your hand.

A low chuckle echoed your ear, making you realize that there was still the owner on the other end of the leash. Whoops.

“Seems like she likes you” ooohhh he’s British.

“Heh, I’m glad” you tried to look up at him, but with the sun in your face you really couldn’t get a good look. You held your hand in front of your face, making an awkward smile. “Sorry I petted your dog without asking first. She’s just really cute”

You got up. “No no, I don’t mind. I’m just surprised. Frankie isn't really open to people on the streets. You’re the first”

“I have been chosen” you joked around. The sun started to set behind the sea, but when you tried to look back at the man in front, your eyes took longer to adjust. All you saw of him was his baseball cap.

“Do you mind if I have one?” You cocked your brow.

“I’m sorry?”

“A cigarette. Do you mind if I have one?” He was pointing at the white stick at your mouth, and you pulled it away realizing what he was referring to.

“Oh, um yeah you can. But they’re not cigarettes. They’re candy cigarettes”

“Those things exist?”

“Yeah actually” you laughed out. “But they’re made of sugar rather than tobacco. So sorry”

“No it’s fine. Um” he paused and started to rub his neck. A little embarrassed that he didn’t realize the damn thing wasn’t even glowing. “C-Could I have one still?”

“Sure” you smiled back. You opened the box again, giving the stranger a white sugar stick (author: why does that sound like a weird lingo for a drug...). He placed part of it in his mouth, chewing at the end.

“Oh god, its so plain”

“It’s unique taste” you laughed at him.

The two of you ended up leaning against the rail. Watching the waves crash over each other through the slightly dim sky. You didn’t like pure silence, so decided to try and make a conversation.

“Based on the accent, I assume you’re not from here? Or at the very least, new around here?”

You heard a chuckle escape his mouth, and honestly it was pretty soothing. “Yeah. I’m not from around here”

“Visiting or work, if you dont mind me asking?”

“Sorta for work. I um...I just finished a big project with my friends. We’re celebrating here, and have a um, contest coming up”

“Oh cool! What research did you guys do? Wait! Are you the guys who participated in the research regarding experimental drug for those who suffer from extreme GAD?”

Even though it was dark, you didn’t have to see his confused face as you threw all these questions at him. Well, that and the awkward laugh gave it away. “I’m sorry, but, wh-what?”

You brushed your hair behind your ear, embarrassed. “Sorry. I just realized that project can refer to multiple things, and my brain immediately went to medical research for some reason”

“Are you medical student by any chance?”

“Oh god no, that field is too advanced for me. I just like reading about medical discoveries”. He smiled at your response, a little astounded at how excited you got over it. “Sorry about that”

“It’s fine” he laughed, almost spitting out the candy cigarette. “Our project was actually a film we’ve been working on. It’s been a long process”

He looked off at the distance. His hat was shadowing his face, but if you focused, there were distinct bags under his eyes.

“It must have been exhausting”.

“Yeah it was” He smiled lightly. “There were a few bumps in the road, but...we all managed”

He pulled the candy cigarette from his mouth, looking at the chewed end. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t have a real cigarette that made him look depressed, but you knew that it was something else. Being the cheesy person you were, you pulled a penny from your pocket and placed it on the rail near him. “What’s this?” He asked.

“Penny for your thoughts? It, seems like those bumps were a bit more exhausting that the whole project”

“Am I that obvious?” He sighed when he grabbed the shiny cent.

“No. I’m just that good at reading people”. You leaned on the rail, twirling the candy between your teeth. “When people experienced hardships, they either need to talk about it, or push it away. What kind are you?”

“...with people I know...I push it away”. You leaned forward to look at him, the back of his head facing you.

“Well...luckily you don’t know me”

And for the first time throughout this whole conversation, this guy that you’ve been talking to for the past fifteen minutes, finally faced you. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness, and you could see him.

He was handsome, no doubt about that. Young, but at the same time, has worn out features such as his eyes. He gave you a full on smile, averting his eyes to the side.

“What’s your name?”

“...(y/n). Whats yours?” You smirked.

“I am Nobody”

you laughed at him again. “Odysseus fan, who would’ve guessed”

“You wouldn’t” he smirked as well. You paused at the conversation, thinking about what he said earlier.

“You asked me my name so you would get to know me. And therefore, not tell me your hardships, didn’t you?”

“...god damn you really are good at reading people aren’t you?”

“Good is an understatement”

You felt your phone ring, and when you looked down, you saw that it was a text form Alice.

Girl get your butt home. I am about to call the cops to get you home safe.

“Boyfriend?” He asked you.

“No. Best friend. My cue to leave”. You squat down to pet Frankie before you left. “By girlie”. You got back up. “Nice talking to Nobody new”

“It’s a good name”

“Just don’t take it seriously”

“What do you mean?”

You started to walk off the boardwalk a little, but looked back at him one more time. “Nobody means someone who isnt worth something. But if you look at it as another way, Nobody always refers to somebody”

“...you’re an interesting character aren’t you (y/n)?” You smiled at him, before giving Nobody a quiet nod and walked off the boardwalk. Passing by more people as you left.

Nobody, that’s absolute BS.

“Hey, there you are! Gwil and I have been looking for you everywhere”

Their friend only looked down the boardwalk, and they waved his hand over his eyes. “Ben?”

“...Rami. I”

“You good dude?”

“I...I just met someone”

“And?” Gwil started. Ben pulled the candy cigarette out his mouth, staring at it.

“Guys, where can I get more candy cigarettes?”

[silverscribblesuniverse]

MORE ADHD VIKTOR HEADCANNONS!

Hey Friends! So one of the most beautiful parts of Yuri on Ice is how Yuuri’s anxiety is depicted, right? It’s a really interesting detail, which makes him a much more complex, 3-dimensional character – which in turn gives the story more emotional stakes, and makes the viewers want to root for him.

Another lovely thing about it, is that lot of viewers who have Anxiety in real life found a character that they could relate to – a strong, wonderful, precious character who achieves great things, despite his mental health issues.

SO, keeping that in mind, I’d like to share a long-held head cannon of mine (though I certainly wasn't the first to think of it) about another beloved YOI Character.  

Since October is ADHD Awareness Month, I present for your consideration: ADHD Viktor! 

(Based on my personal, real-life knowledge and experiences managing my own ADHD)

ENJOY! (it’s a VERY long post, sorry not sorry, lol) 

- Viktor has Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type ADHD.

[According to the DSM-5 (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, *which is the most recent edition, published in 2013) ADHD is broken down into three sub-types: Hyperactive Type, Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive Type and *Inattentive Type (*Previously referred to as “ADD” – or Attention Deficit Disorder without Hyperactivity).]

- He’s never been FORMALLY diagnosed though, because OBVIOUSLY talented/“gifted”/successful people can’t POSSIBLY have an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder.

[*SARCASM*]

- When he was a little kid (like 4 or 5) he had SO MUCH ENERGY. TOO MUCH ENERGY. ALL THE ENERGY ALL THE TIME. He was ALWAYS talking too much and “getting into trouble” – his constant outbursts were nearly impossible for the adults in his life to handle. So, his parents/guardians enrolled him in various sports, hoping to channel some of that energy into something “more productive”.

[Hello, Hyperactive Symptoms!]

- That’s when he FELL IN LOVE with skating – it was all he ever wanted to do, all he ever wanted to think about, all he ever wanted to talk about, all he ever cared about.

[Ahh, yes, there’s that typical ADHD fixation/obsession]

- And he was good – INCREDIBLY GOOD. So he kept going; He kept getting better and better, and eventually got into Jr. Competitions, where he started winning. And then . . . he kept winning. Suddenly, everyone (especially adults) started praising him for his “dedication” and “focus” – he wasn't constantly being reprimanded for his behaviour anymore; he wasn't being told to “sit still” and “stop fidgeting” anymore.

[People with ADHD often tend to develop a very low self-esteem, because, as children, they are constantly being scolded for their behaviour (Behaviour which they cannot control, because their brains are literally wired differently).]

- But, the praise and attention was only a tiny piece of the puzzle. What REALLY mattered to Viktor was that he had found something he loved, and he was GOOD at it. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere; completely at home on the ice.

[Subconsciously, skating may have given Viktor an incredible creative outlet (People with ADHD tend to be “creative types”), while the exercise during practice may have given him an awesome boost of serotonin, endorphins and DOPAMINE (The leading theory is that ADHD is linked to/caused by an imbalance/lack of dopamine – that’s why stimulant medications can sometimes help. Exercise is also a highly encouraged lifestyle management tool for those with ADHD).]

- So, Viktor kept skating because he loved it, because he excelled at it, and soon he was the Junior World Champion. Things still weren't perfect though – Yakov always yelled at him for spacing out during practice, getting distracted during interviews, forgetting things all over the place, constantly being late (or outright forgetting commitments altogether) and just generally showing a lack of interest/care in anything that didn't involve him physically skating.

[There you are, Inattentive Symptoms; welcome to the party!]

- But like . . . it isn't Viktor’s fault that interviews are so boring. And, besides, Yakov always took care of the scheduling and stuff – if something important came up, Yakov would just remind him!

[People with undiagnosed ADHD tend to subconsciously develop their own “coping” mechanisms to counteract their symptoms – like perfectionism, avoidance, excessive procrastination, or dependency on others.]

- As an adult, Viktor made a name for himself as a figure skating LEGEND. So . . . If he was late sometimes, or distracted, or overly-emotional, it’s totally FINE – LEGENDS like himself are ALLOWED to be ECCENTRIC.

[ADHD can often go unrecognised/undiagnosed/misdiagnosed well into adulthood – especially in “gifted” individuals. ADHD symptoms are also often overlooked, as it can present comorbid with other conditions such as Depression, Anxiety, OCD, ASD (Including Aspergers Syndrome), Tourette’s, Dyslexia, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and Conduct Disorder (just to name a few).]  

- But now, Viktor’s reaching the end of his career – he’s a 5 time World Champion and . . . nothing is as easy as it once was. He has no more inspiration. He can’t surprise the audience anymore. He’s still winning . . . but it isn't fun anymore. It doesn't make him happy anymore.

[Maybe it’s because no one is good enough to challenge him, so competitions aren't interesting anymore. Or maybe it’s because he’s lonely, with no time for Life or Love . . . but part of the boredom/malaise could ALSO be the lack of DOPAMINE taking its toll. DOPAMINE is responsible for regulating the “reward centre” of the brain – people with ADHD might not feel the same “rush” as others when they achieve things – like getting good grades, being promoted or receiving an award].

- AND THEN comes the infamous banquet – where Viktor meets Katsuki Yuuri, HIS FUTURE HUSBAND AND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE. Now, Viktor LOVES skating . . . but he can’t remember EVER being happier than when he was dancing with Yuuri. And sure, he’s had lovers before, but NOTHING ever felt like THIS. He is 100%, absolutely, irrevocably, unquestionably IN LOVE. IT’S ALL SO NEW AND EXCITING AND SCARY AND WONDERFUL AND YUURI IS PERFECT AND VIKTOR IS FEELING ALL THE THINGS!!!

[Another symptom of ADHD (and many other psychiatric conditions) is “Emotional Dysregulation” – people with ADHD can find it hard to control their emotions, often have rapidly shifting emotions, feel their emotions INCREDIBLY INTENSELY, and then tend to act on them impulsively. They often view problems/life in “black and white”; It’s pretty much “all or nothing” feelings-wise.]

- One thing leads to another, and suddenly Viktor has dropped EVERYTHING to fly to JAPAN to be Yuuri’s coach on a WHIM because he is overjoyed and excited and in love – AND THERE’S NO WAY THIS COULD POSSIBLY BACKFIRE! THIS IS THE BEST DECISION HE’S EVER MADE EVER.

[There’s that classic ADHD impulsivity/recklessness/risk-taking.]

- He expects Yuuri to be overjoyed to see him – they’re going to skate and talk and have “slumber parties” and fall in love! But . . . that doesn't happen. Not right away, in any case. Instead, Viktor shows up and Yuuri runs away – he doesn't want to have slumber parties and he starts avoiding him and he acts like he doesn't even REMEMBER the banquet! It’s like Yuuri isn't happy to see him at all. So, Viktor may have been a bit teary-eyed, as he went to sleep ALONE (apart from Makkachin) that first night in Hasetsu.

[Some people with ADHD also experience something called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – an extreme emotional sensitivity to PERCEIVED rejection/criticism].

- Viktor and Yuuri slowly become closer over time; working on their relationships (both personal and coach/student) and figuring out how to communicate . . . even though Viktor has a tendency to be too blunt/push too hard/be too clingy at times.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: So, do you have feelings for Minako? Do you have a lover now? What about ex-lovers?

YUURI: I’d rather not talk about it . . .

VIKTOR: Then let’s talk about me! Let’s see, my first –

[EPISODE 3]

VIKTOR: The truth is, you’re actually both FAR MORE mediocre than you think. You need to be more self-aware.

[EPISODE 4]

VIKTOR: Yuuri! Why don’t we get some food?

               Yuuri! Want to soak in the springs together? 

               Yuuri! How about a slumber party?

[EPISODE 5]

VIKTOR: It’s amazing you got such a high score after running your face into a wall, but thanks for proving me right about your ability to get a solid PCS! And don’t worry about letting me down, I know you’ll do better next time!”

[EPISODE 7]

VIKTOR: I'm not very good with people crying

              Skater’s hearts are as fragile as glass – let’s try shattering his into                     pieces . . . 

[People with ADHD tend to have communication issues. They might not easily pick up on the emotions of others, interrupt often or otherwise steam-roll conversations. They commonly tend to talk too much, talk too loudly, speak before they think, or say incredibly blunt/hurtful things (all without even realizing what they are doing), which can make them come across as callous, self-centred or tactless. Impatience can also be a HUGE problem – they may tend to dive into new things head-first and don’t always take the time to properly assess situations/build relationships. People with ADHD are often described as being “intense”/“overbearing” or having “BIG PERSONALITIES”; opposingly, they might also be perceived as “flaky”/“aloof”/“uncaring”(depending on ADHD Type and Symptoms Exhibited).]

- Eventually, things start heading in the right direction. Viktor is a fully-fledged coach, and Yuuri just keeps getting better; constantly growing and surprising him. Coaching is exciting for Viktor, because it’s new and novel and he gets to be with Yuuri – but it’s also exhausting, because now it’s HIS job to take care of all the scheduling/organizing/memorizing/time management – things that Yakov used to do. Things that definitely DON’T play to his own strengths.

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Uh, oh, that’s not a happy face. Let me guess, I forgot to do something I said I would do?

[EPISODE 2]

VIKTOR: Ha, ha, ha, yea, I remember now, it totally slipped my mind! I'm sorry, but you know how I forget stuff sometimes . . . 

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: I must have told you a million times – but in last year’s nationals I BOMBED EVERYTHING . . .

[EPISODE 5]

YUURI: Do you have any idea where Viktor is? It’s about to start and I can’t find him!

VIKTOR: Sorry, were you waiting?

[EPISODE 6]

YUURI: Come on, Viktor! We’ll miss the flight if we don’t get moving!

[EPISODE 6]

VIKTOR: I'm hungry and this is boring, can we go get hot pot now?

YUURI: I'm kinda in the middle of an interview here . . . 

[EPISODE 10]

VIKTOR: Do you want to try my hot wine?

YUURI: No, I don’t like to drink before a competition

VIKTOR: Oh, right, I forgot. 

There are other little quirks of Viktor’s coaching too; but maybe that’s just because it’s all so new to him. He doesn't have the most experience – but he DEFINITELY has the most enthusiasm.

Like, THAT KISS - (you know the one ;) )

[Pretty impulsive, wouldn't you say? (In the BEST WAY, of course :D)]

And whenever Viktor is rink-side, watching Yuuri skate; he’s always SUPER animated – he gets so invested he even does the quad flip along with Yuuri at the Grand Prix Final in Barcelona! 

[EXCITEMENT - INTENSE EMOTIONS! HIGH ENERGY/RESTLESSNESS – SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS EXPRESSED AS A QUAD-FLIP!]

Viktor also gets super into the other Skater’s short programs at the Grand Prix Final, and doesn't notice how his words/actions are affecting Yuuri. 

[Perhaps it’s just because he loves skating and misses it so much . . . or could it be attributed, in part, to his ADHD brain fixating without him realizing it?]

[So, to sum up; forgetfulness/memory issues, tardiness/poor time management, easily bored/distractable, impulsive . . . those are all pretty much par for the course with ADHD (and other Executive Functioning Disorders as well).]

- In the end, Yuuri wins silver at the Grand Prix Final; but more importantly, he gives Viktor two very important things: Life and Love. And while the road to the GPF is rough and rocky, (managing both Yuuri’s Anxiety and Viktor’s ADHD); their love only grows, changing them and challenging them . . . and making them BOTH stronger for it.

So, there you have it; my ADHD!Viktor head cannons! :) 

He may be forgetful and flaky and blunt and pushy and impulsive and emotional – but he’s also energetic and outgoing and supportive and talented and creative and brilliant and charming and loving.

I see a lot of myself in Viktor – good things and bad things – so this head cannon has a very special place in my heart. Almost all our ADHD-related stories/characters in pop-culture are inaccurate, disregard the realities of ADHD, or just blatantly depict it COMPLETELY WRONG – so when I saw these traits more accurately mirrored in Viktor, a character that I love with all my heart, I couldn't help but expand on the idea.

Having said that, ADHD is a complex disorder; here are some basics:

- ADHD is an Executive Functioning Disorder/Neurodevelopmental Disorder. 

- The name: “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder” is a bit of a misnomer; it’s not a “lack” of attention, so much as it is the brain’s inability to filter out stimuli, and direct “focus” where it needs to be at any given time. 

- According to the DSM-5, there are 3 subtypes of ADHD – Inattentive, Hyperactive and Combined Inattentive/Hyperactive. 

- Not everyone with ADHD will present ALL Symptoms of ADHD, due to the different subtypes. 

[There are also many more common Symptoms/Comorbidities that go along with ADHD, which I did NOT head cannon for Viktor – things like Sensory Perception Issues/Misophpnia, Coordination Issues/Dyspraxia, and Low Frustration Tolerance/Hot Temper, just to name a few]

- ADHD is GENETIC and HERITABLE – and is linked to a lack of Dopamine. 

- ADHD is not a “Childhood Disorder”. It’s not something you “grow out of” or “cure” – it’s something you learn to manage and live with. Medication is one option – but treatment may also include making lifestyle changes (like diet, exercise, and getting proper sleep), working with ADHD coaches, going to Therapy, and investing time in creating an organizational system that works WITH one’s symptoms.

- An ADHD diagnosis does not mean that one is stupid or lazy or out of control – plenty of highly intelligent, “gifted” or otherwise successful individuals have ADHD (and in fact, with the right diagnosis and treatments, many people who struggle or “under-perform” at school/work due to ADHD are able to harness their previously untapped potential, leading to great improvements in their work, and enabling them to start on a path to success). 

- ADHD isn't a “fake illness” or an “excuse”. ADHD is a very REAL disorder, with a very REAL impact on the lives of those that it affects. However, with the proper diagnosis, knowledge, skills and tools, ADHD is also manageable – and you can absolutely learn how to work WITH your ADHD to become your best self.

***

So, if you've stuck with me this long, thanks for reading! I hope you've enjoyed these little head-cannons for one of my most favourite characters of all-time – and maybe learned something new that can help you or a loved one living with ADHD.

Thanks again! This has been my contribution for ADHD Awareness Month and the YOI One-Year Anniversary!

See You Next Level! ;)