#maybe just donate it? i doubt anyone would actually want it its just junk at the end of the day

[googsvents]

"are you mad at me? i think you're mad at me"

[lizardfina-blog]

V Bad Story End 3

Days 1-5: https://lizardfina.tumblr.com/post/175732161387/badendcommon

Day 5 last chatroom

23:48 Finishing up on a Stormy… I happen to be going through one in my heart so v was not uninterested in Rika you’re caring for me, aren’t you? Thank you same here… I think this situation is really complicated I can’t give you details since the hacker might see this. It bothers me the hacker hates v friend shield on! for example? aw, come on … but if she’s alive, why won’t she come back? so jumin, you also with rika were alive do you think that was who she truly was? didn’t you say rika was adopted? I’d like to see him in brown hair I think you’re not getting enough sleep jumin a model? …jumin that’s enough please I feel sorry for jaehee, but I’d like to invite him I like jumin’s personality. Especially regarding care for his friend I’m sure we have to wait and see if that’ll make everyone happy I’m a bit ignored right now, so I’ll be fine Day 6 – 100% 01:17 707 Cyber News hello yes you’re getting your meals on time, aren’t you? I know you’ll win seven you need a right too wow no kidding! You made them for fun but they’re impressive daffodils should I start greeting you with binary numbers? why don’t we ask her about the coordinates password? the sun don’t you think it’s be related to rika? mint color? v has mint colored eyes hmm… that sounds worth a try so how long does it take what will happen if you get the coordinates faster than expected? I’ll see you again who is it? ok… could you ask him to send an e-mail? you two are in a carefully contracted relationship….. it will! Cheer up, jaehee 02:43 V’s Concern I can’t sleep. I feel uneasy I think he’s trying to decrypt as fast as he can do the mint colored eyes mean something? what is it? Can’t you tell me? so there’s something in this place luciel must not find out hmm? I’m a little bored since they’re ignoring me you turned a little brighter thanks to me, didn’t you? do you think I’m attractive, v? yes, I should 07:55 Changes Jumin Sees it’s an energetic and strong morning so simply put, your cat stretched? v is still looking for rika’s traces. It breaks my heart when do you go to bed, jaehee? she’s right. You should go to work and don’t forget v! you can also protect him in a good way? I think v is slowly approaching me because my heart is wide open I hope v will take courage and break his wall himself what? Why? jaehee, please make sure v doesn’t see those pictures aren’t you going to work…? you should copy yourself and let the clone do the job let’s take care of them one by one why don’t you have a cup of coffee? long is the way of the head of the intelligence unit 10:24 Don’t Want to be Hated ray are you still attacking the RFA? why do you keep doing this? it looks like nothing but a malicious delivery right now I am a hostage they’ll come to save me if I lose contact by force I’ll trust v don’t touch the RFA anymore. And please let me go please don’t torment seven too much are you going to send something worse than images? I like someone else are you going to make me take that drug? I don’t believe you who is this savior? what does she have to do with v? when will you let me out of here? 12:33 Need Some Fresh Air about time to gave at the sun, worrying about v your body rhythms turn irregular, which could cause….. is something wrong? I wanna get some air on your car, seven you should. Be brave yoosung, why would you go there? …good for you, jaehee stop suspecting v, yoosung what about zen? whoa….nostalgia he should keep it well until he donates to a museum I wish I could help zen somehow I’d like to protect zen’s vintage and original aspects we are going to have the party! RFA party will be held as planned walkingman was made in the same era as zen’s computer zen must be so patient I think this is a good time for a donation what kind of nagging does he give? I wish LOLOL would work on phones please be careful of kidnappers 14:42 Passion Red jaehee, is the intelligence unit all set? but I think v will be distressed when he sees those pictures hmm…he seems to be up to something what is his car like? I wonder what kind of car v owns I’d like to go on a drive with v here comes devastatingly handsome man zen do you know how to drive? I thought of v it’s the graceful stability that dances between speeding and slowing I wanna try seven’s car—it’s packed with speed no no you should first get a new computer I think you should throw it into a junk shop what can you possibly do with that computer? oh no… not the blue screen! sniffle… I should’ve given you my old laptop do you have a walkingman? zen you didn’t get one, did you? I wonder what v’s home is like I’m sure he does more than jumin rough is the life of an agent don’t be stressed out! Have fun do you think v is good with computers? have a safe trip! Please watch seven so he doesn’t break into v’s house Ray VN: who is it? …what brings you here? I don’t want to see her ray? ***there’s a walking section, and I don’t remember if you actually have to give responses, but it all says “…” until you meet the savior**** a mask…? you won’t stop me from using the messenger, will you? … who are you? 16:19 Yoosung’s Heaven yoosung did you have dinner yet? not yet! cup noodle is bad for your health you’ve found peace jumin have you ever had a cup noodle? is it because jaehee isn’t with you now? you talked about work even in chat rooms? jaehee… I wonder when she can return home yoosung, you suspicion is just endless. Can’t you trust v? I don’t think there’s anything I’ve done here yes… v will come to save me I hope you’d take action instead of blaming v good idea! That’s something only you can do good luck! I think this all sounds very strange to you, jumin a vending machine robot for cup noodle? let’s invite him! And place computers at the party good luck! how’s the intelligence unit going? what’s the menu? 18:23 Heading Towards 2020 zen how was your exercise? yes there’s nothing like a shower after exercise if I see your silhouette in the mirror in the middle of our exercise session… we’ll get to hear lots of helpful tips on a diet! yeah yeah! she said that in the previous chat room so you get to go outside more often than stay at your desk? no! you’re going to take that computer away from zen looks awesome… the latest model runs hindows 7? don’t you think we should get him the latest model? you’re not giving him a laptop you’ve been using, are you? …..Its lifespan is almost over sniff sniff… I smell trouble may god7 watch over you nothing is for free in this world by the way seven, how did your trip to v’s house go? he said he needs your computer to work on something back up! Back them up! oh, two in a row? Who is it now? same here! I hate relationships with secrets though I’d like to know the acquaintance of your acquaintance… let’s invite him so long… 386 20:00 Doubtful Family I moved to somewhere else, but I’m fine I wouldn’t mind was there something in v’s mailbox? did you call your aunt? why would the sender send such things to v? do you think he missed rika? did you talk to your aunt? why would she tell you to take rika’s stuff? and why would your aunt say that? it's so sad, but looks like something is definitely wrong do you think what we know about rika is what she really is? but I think it’s strange rika never talked about her parents but they’re still her parents. Maybe it’s true this isn’t your fault perhaps that’s why she made such a dire choice you shouldn’t look for someone to blame. Start offering condolence to rika from now on, let’s trust v together if you’re stressed out, take a break. Don’t think about anything else I met someone new so I have to stay alert for a while I hope you take a break! Everything will be ok yes if there’s anyone who needs my help, I’m willing to offer it I think things would’ve been different if rika was willing to show what she felt alright. I was actually thinking about having some time to myself Savior VN: I’ve come to test a game, but now it feel like I’m caught in something big you look like a scary person why do you keep asking me questions? what do you mean? v will come save me I’d like to, but not with you 22:02 His Idea Of Family welcome, jumin that’s the proof jaehee’s doing a good job rika might have hidden their relationship you can’t change your familial environment what’s the matter? Are you anxious? umm, let’s not talk too much in this chat room since when did you live with your cat, jumin? did rika avoid talking about her parents? but marriage happens between two people, not two families what matters in looking at a person’s true essence is to figure out…… perhaps you two got engaged too fast maybe it would’ve been better for v to see them soon? have a good time with Elizabeth the 3rd so seven knows where I am, right? yes, I will. don’t worry VN: how old is this building? does ray have lots of wounds too? do you also alternate between fear and happiness within? what’s your relation to the RFA? you’re not using me as bait, are you? … v this place isn’t safe. Run! I knew it. You are rika v! 23:11 What Happened to V? v! are you alright? **there is only one selection for this chat** Savior VN: this place is weird. Everything seems against the laws what will happen to v now? a little couldn’t you be the light? what are you going to do with v? what is it? Day 7 – 100% 01:20  Shocking Truth V has been kidnapped! What should I do? seven, please explain to him a few hours ago I’m alright but v is in danger. We must save him rika and v are apparently not friends let’s just calm down. We need to discuss how to save v it's no wonder v kept it secret. She’s no longer the rika you used to know yes… rika isn’t a hostage. She tricked and trapped v I’m alright! Please take care of v I think he’s imprisoned yes…perhaps he’s watching us no, she’s not yoosung, just wait. You’ll find out everything after some time you mean what v said? To not listen to rika? maybe v was protecting the RFA. He destroyed all data from 6 months ago this is much more serious than a simple fight I think we need to save the hacker…I think he’s being manipulated let’s not hide anything until we save v I’m fine so please save v. good luck, seven zen, I think yoosung needs you I think everyone’s having a hard time that’s alright. Please take care of the other members 02:32 Jumin Helplessness and…. jumin, you’re logged in at this hour rika now hates v I think she’s doing something illegal it seemed to me that rika finds her current location more precious than the RFA I felt v always did his best to protect RFA. He always meant the things he did v was just trying not to harm anyone what is it? rika did it!? then why won’t he get his eyes treated? you’ll help us save v, won’t you? I don’t think I can sleep. I’m so worried about v 06:55 C&R Intelligence Unit I’m fine…though I can’t say v is safe v could be in greater danger than he was back there I hope their friendship won’t break apart they are working together…I can guarantee both of them suffered deep wounds in their hearts I don’t think comparison matters now ^^; I hope so too ok…see you soon 08:46 Staying Calm I’m well. What are you doing zen? I’m fine, though I just can’t sit still because I’m worried about v welcome, yoosung maybe zen did some cleaning before he left whoa, morning packed with vitamins and fibre I think I’ve seen a walkie-talkie… she’s not well in heart we should be worrying about v! he’s in danger right now I think as of now rika wouldn’t hesitate that was before I actually met her zen, how’s your practice going? please, just be safe ……… that’s because of the router yes, let’s do that you can recommend guests too, yoosung good luck with that but it’s good at least zen is on the bright side ummm…i’m not sure rika would want to hear that, but ok cheer up! Savior VN: is he safe right now? why did you leave v? are you afraid of stepping outside the darkness? did you show your tears to v? rika… 11:51 Provoke you didn’t know? when will we go save v? what is it? a cult? Yes, it feels like a cult here if this place is involved in illegal activities, shouldn’t we rescue the victims? do we really have to fight each other? I want to get out of here before things get worse does something change when I log in? what is it? you mean…v’s in danger? can’t we find a peaceful solution to this? let’s do as he says jumin yes, please hurry I’ll be waiting I hope everything works out well…though I can’t help worrying okay! I’ll be right here waiting yes, I’ll be waiting 13:16 One’s Own Reasons I’m so worried about v. it’s hard to keep waiting how are preparations for the party going? okay…though I’m not sure if the party’s happenings, let’s invite him of what? do you think it’s okay to send him alone? I see you’re having a difficult time, yoosung it's dangerous here yoosung, I think you shouldn’t disregard other scenarios I think I know what you feel like looks like yoosung is having a hard time whatever rika would say, what matter is for yoosung to realize what kind of people rika and v…… don’t worry. Right now what we need to do is work together to defeat this crisis 15:38 Miss You, I Feel Lonely ray! It’s been so long since I last saw you I’m worried she’ll hurt v ray… you should stop being obsessed with me yes he’ll be here to rescue me what are you trying to do with the RFA? is v safe? he’s safe right? welcome yoosung did you try calling him? why not leave a message on the chat room ok…though I’m not sure if that’ll happen 17:45  His Heart yes, I’m waiting for you! Did you get a call from yoosung? how much time do you think will take? you’re not driving the one that fits 2 people are you? how’s yoosung doing? are you a playboy? now I’m surprised that you even have a smartphone be careful on the road I really wish he would it does look simple and honest lol I hope you’d always stay bright too a lotus flower? I’ll try talking to him. For a curry party! massage? I wanna give it a try, too got it! ^^ I hope you stay safe as well, zen. Until I see you ^^ 19:24 How to Cope with Risks I think he’s coming from somewhere really far away I think it’d take more time to make a landing spot umm…I think a car and helicopter are on complete different levels give me a tip on what to do when I feel uneasy! jumin, do you have any memory you want to run away from? you’ve been friends with v for so long…so I understand welcome yoosung yoosung are you in the middle of an escape? zen mind if I replace yoosung? have a good time, yoosung but zen was trying to look out for you ^^; hahahahahahaha wow…let’s try inviting if we’re actually having one you’re actually counting seconds? Savior VN: I’m thinking about v I’m worried about v 21:39  Coming This Way! what’s racing? so ray, are you going to see seven? treatment? Are you ill? what is rika going to do to v? mine? i…will make a choice on my own bye… 23:11 Before Charging In! how far did seven go? I’m sure that was ray…and yes, he’s that hacker there’s a signal interruption for you? the hacker hacked the messenger to talk to me oh…you’re professional what does blue mean? I’ll look forward to it I’m nervous too… you are already more than helpful. I wish luck for C&R’s intelligence unit oh, it’s alright! Please go ahead I’ll see you VN: no, nothing lasts forever choice? … v! are you alright? is this what you did to ray, too? v! it’s me! ----- rika please! Stop torturing v I understand your pain, but you must control your devil rika… Day 8 – 100% 00:44 Seven’s Status Report But no one’s here I feel so bad for v yoosung, v is sick I think v was forced to take a dangerous drug I don’t think she’s the same rika you used to know yoosung… rika was the one who put v in danger yes, seven saved v. good work, seven seven, are you going to investigate mint eye soon? you can talk to me, yoosung no more repetitions you can count on me perhaps v made secrets because he didn’t want us to see what rika became I don’t think she’ll come with us even if we all go there together good luck on that, yoosung VN: oh, thank god… seven, he’s starting to awake you should worry about yourself seven I know you’re confused but v is not well right now I’m fine. Please take care of yourself 01:59 Emergency in RFA he's  resting… but he’s sweating a lot… he seems to be in pain no there was a situation, so now we’re going to seven’s hideout I don’t think we can afford to invite him over here, but please tell him to contact me you’re so busy late through the night, zen what? No! I don’t think v has any intention of making rika have her punishment v is trying to solve this…but he’s too self-sacrificing she is the rika you know. I can guarantee I think you make an interesting team with yoosung you’re working so hard, jaehee it's ray I think we’d better tell seven I don’t want to see anymore of this heartbreaking war I think they need you jumin I’ll do my best in whatever I can good luck, jaehee could you distract our enemies with your beauty? seven we have a situation when will we get the messenger back? how long will this war last? ok. I hope I can see you again here, though I’m not sure when VN: v, I’m here v, your hands are shaking okay please don’t push yourself. Just rest, v I’ll hold your hand. No need to shiver 07:13 Suspicious Chat Room tell me about it… I thought the RFA messenger is closed now no, let me do that. You should rest ray! This is your work, isn’t it? ray…? what’s wrong with the messenger? so can we get back to our original messenger? I’m looking after v aggressive you? isn’t there a way all of us can get along? I don’t think this is the right time is that why you wanted a party to happen? So this was all.. for now, could you tell him to send an email? no, I like ice cream too ok… could you please ask rika to settle this peacefully? 09:27  Conciliation Towards Seven pardon? wow! It’s back it’s… back, right? seven…it’s dizzy umm…I think ray blocked it no, it’s fine. It almost worked did ray stop seven? rika please stop hurting us anymore rika, ive seen them too… I think you need treatment but seven rescued v seven, is it okay to keep talking to rika? who’s saeran? seven, I don’t know what you two are talking about. But don’t let yourself falter saeran must be important to you, seven don’t you want to make up with us? rika… are you alright? I think we can make up if we treat your trauma VN: this time I’ll protect v 11:00 How Did We End Up Like v what are you doing? You should be resting what are you trying to tell rika? what was your first encounter like? yes why is that? so you wanted to be a painter so it was rika who helped you wake up? so you wanted to prove yourself so denying love was the same as denying yourself I understand how rika would’ve felt it was a process of discovering who you really are. You got to know love better but you didn’t know that until now. Ignorance is no sin I understand how you feel v, but I wish you wouldn’t lose hope in love I will be with you in your path to the conclusion. I’ll hold you tight I think you can find an answer more mature than that why is that? that is not going to happen… I want to protect you 13:07 The Demon You Created v is looking back at himself… he must be in lots of pain I don’t think talking about your past will be of any use what did it feel like to you back then? perhaps he realized it’s selfish to blindly pour his feelings no matter how good it is I think v was just being honest with his feelings rika are you having difficulty accepting the truth? rika if you still love v please let him go. Just like v is trying to rika v wants to become different now. And I want to help him right now all v wants to do is protect me please stop trying to put us against each other, rika v doesn’t mask himself that is not going to happen rika you sound very far from normal trying to control us with fear won’t work now rika 15:21 I’m Worried of You ray what brings you here? it's not v’s fault. But I’m not sure if you’d understand you shouldn’t have drugged him. It’s wrong I hope your trauma can be cured. Mint eye will not provide treatment for your wound ray. I’m not going back now you asked me not to abandon you I think you must find your own happiness instead of relying on someone else I don’t think that’s the right way. All the things that are forced in that place are wrong I trust in v. and that won’t change no matter what you say you did too? What do you mean? I wish there were somebody who could sincerely care for your wounds my heart can’t be divided into a devil and angel. My heart is what it is why is that? I’m sorry but I don’t think that will happen leave the RFA alone and leave the party alone stop it ray. We’re not getting anywhere huh? seven! could it be what?? 17:32 It’s All My Fault where are you right now? it's alright. There’s really nothing we can do about this. Rika’s side….. that’s not true. I believe you can love no, you can do it v. you can be stronger. I’ll help you I understand you’re afraid. Think about all the things you’ve gone through seven are you looking for v? don’t you think you’re being over protective? what’s wrong? Is it bad for v? so when v suddenly cries it’s because of the drug? he seemed to know you well seven why did you think you might know him? is this person you’re thinking of the person you asked rika if he’s doing fine? seven you know we can’t trust rika now, right? cheer up! I’m wit you! I wish you’d get better soon I don’t think it’s bad to put down your burden and take refuge thanks for the info seven you didn’t lie to luciel, did you? I think there was nothing you could do about it. You were met with agony… yes, I’m sure your depression will soon go away. Have faith and wait a bit more how are you going to do that? instead of reunion, why not a new start? it's okay! Of course you’d be scared I’m sure you can find love again. From now on try to accept your fear as well I’m heading over 19:02 Failure rika are you painful to see v changing? I know how difficult your environment was, but you chose to make things like this please take a look around. There are people having a hard time because of you that’s not happiness. That’s nothing but pleasure don’t you think you’re taking away their ability to stand alone? he’s accepted loss of love. So of course he’d feel afraid he's not running away. He’ll learn to acknowledge his fear and love in reality perhaps v is afraid because no one ever held his hand by his side v has had more than enough violent /self-destructive love. That’s enough rika 20:21 Don’t Want to be no well, because of mint eye you mean why she founded mint eye? v is deeply related to the source of trouble rika caused you are very talented ray. I’m sure you could do something else ray I hope you’d use your talent for yourself I don’t think any single party is at fault you’ve done nothing wrong. I thought it was dangerous to be with rika…. ray, don’t you want to join RFA? ray isn’t there any way I can save you? v's effect was huge in the process rika founded mint eye you mean the elixir of salvation. Won’t ray grow dependant? ray is sick. Why do you force him to take the drug? ray… I feel bad for ray. Please don’t make nay more victims 22:00  Opposition and Debacle that’s why I came after you I think rika tried to achieve her goal by hook or by crook can we just get through with this? This is so frustrating you’re the one who feels pleasure from fear. V is nothing like you there you have it. Now stay away from v I can handle v’s love like the sun. I don’t think that’s strange v don’t let her words get you we don’t see someone like you every day rika. V stumbled upon a wrong person ok there goes acknowledgement. Happy now? he said not anymore if that is true love then why did you leave v? v are you trying to leave me? I think you’re better off without her you’re not trying to take v away are you? You can’t do that v i won’t be like rika let’s stop talking I really hope you’ll get over rika soon please don’t tell me that you’ll leave me I’m here for you. Let’s run away from rika then what are you waiting for? Hurry up 23:16 Pass the Baton ray what’s wrong? I’m looking for a way to destroy your friends you’re the one torturing us yes I’ll interfere. I’ll destroy it nice and neat you’re being punished because you hung out with bad people are you alright? huh? What is going on right now? is there something I can do for you? this is the username I saw back then seven hurry! You should track him down what do you mean maybe not? We need to stop that no matter what maybe this person is easier to deal with seven what am I supposed to do? are you..? what are you going to do now? you can’t take me. The RFA will protect me Day 9 – 100% 00:56 Seduction of the Moon I don’t want to think about that something disastrous will happen if you can’t control the darkness of course. V will be with me from now on whichever it is…I don’t care as long as v comes to me I am a little afraid, but it’s something I want I want to grow by agonizing and feeling those kinds of things idyllic… I understand what you mean mint eye may be right for me rika you should let the sun be 02:43 I Can Make You Have More you’re new aren’t you? sleeping? What do you mean? why did you wake up now? get rid of him!? you seem dangerous give me back ray I’m curious about you will we be together if we start from the beginning? …… 06:21 Stop It why did you come in here? I know, right? You don’t think you can do anything without me the harder it is the better outcomes it should come to it must have been tough for you too v. you can rely on me I think you’re the only one getting hurt because of rika are you planning to leave me? Don’t say such a thing don’t betray me why don’t you just say it straight that you like rika more than me? v if you go I’ll be disappointed v is there no way for you and me to be happy? aren’t you sick and tired of living your life for someone else? The two of us can be happy VN: v? what were you doing? once this passes, only happiness will await you. Happiness with me I’m so jealous of rika. You love her this much it's not your fault v. who would have thought rika was such an evil person? I don’t care if you hurt me. I want to be yours if it’s complicated, embrace the way it is. I’m here for you I’ll come with you. I don’t want to let you go alone 09:04 Third Person Perspective a hacker! There’s a hacker here! are you fiddling with seven’s phone? what’s wrong with the design of our app? it is a test lol let’s talk nonsense say something! Anything! in truth…I think you’re good looking why isn’t he answering them? he probably thinks of his life dearly now I have no idea where this part is heading he was always like that he codes with his toes? why? You like it? you’re very good at cleaning I thought you were avoiding us yes we will soon start our relationship is there something wrong with seven? how is that job from seven going? I think it’ll be a good idea to give up for the sake of your eyes what other jobs do you do other than keep watch on him? he wouldn’t be angry would he? 12:07 Rika’s Feelings he's trying to do everything he can to stop you rika that’s not completely wrong the idea that someone will save me is just fantasy rika you have a lot of people around you. Why do you feel lonely? you two are people with completely different ideas then take your hands off the RFA and v that’s even scarier rika how much do you know about RFA? rika that’s really dangerous. I can see why v is trying to stop you by himself are you saying you’re different? rika you’re also using others to prove yourself VN: you’re not even doing well. Stop being so stubborn v you’re so stubborn are you sure you’re okay with that v? so what is your real answer? enough with your obsession with rika! Treasure yourself some more you don’t have to sacrifice yourself for rika. You’re already priceless to me choose what you think is right 14:11 Reason Trying to Stop Her he just fell asleep. Rika and v’s relationship is complicated yes. Rika is now like a bomb who in the world would believe rika’s words? I think lying that she committed suicide was too much the reason rika could act so violently was because v’s love was too ideal I think he’ll eventually follow rika v seems to want to go to rika you weren’t interested, were you? you can see that seven? is there no way to change her mind back? alright… 16:39 You Change Me I’ll hate you for the rest of your life if you disappear. I’ll hate you more than rika we should be happy soon. Throw away your lingering feelings for rika she might stop if you leave rika dead on stop saying that…how about trying to forget rika? then there’s one more reason you shouldn’t go I’m different from rika. You don’t have to be scared what are you going to do after meeting her? if you go to rika, I won’t be able to see you again v in whatever shape it is, we will be happy soon as long as rika is taken care of so now I’m more influential to you than rika, right? 18:35 Seven’s Persuasion return jumin cat did you come to interfere us? seven, is ray baffled because we’ve won? he's right ray. You should rather go with seven why are you so afraid of losing? you have a brother? did you eat something wrong? seven you seem to be very interested in that hacker good luck till the end 20:12 Winner Seven!! can we not get rid of mint eye? wow!!! why aren’t the others coming in? would v want to go to the hospital? will ray not attack again? wouldn’t it be more transparent by receiving the law’s orders? I want to share this emotional moment with v can the RFA members come into the messenger now? what is it? then make them exit the room and add the RFA members if the members login, can the read the messages rika and the hacker wrote? this will be the last, won’t it? 21:49 I Missed You All the messenger’s security system has been recovered rika mistake? what do you want? we did but seven would have blocked it quit it if you’re trying to seduce them to join mint eye that’s a lie. What trip? for making v like that? you don’t even plan to do that are you planning to say hello to every member like this? rika your attitude is very double sided yes the three of us should get together. I’ll reveal what kind of person you are rika keep away from v and the RFA. It’s really sick and tiring it's now getting pitiful one last thing? VN: okay. Here, lean on me what is it? no, thank you for finding me in my life regardless, thank you for wading through such a trail of thorns I hope you’d get your chance soon are you sure you’ll be fine? then please excuse me 22:34 V Has Been Stabbed! I have nothing to say to you now, ray ………… wouldn’t rika and the hacker participate in our chats? can the others come in now? yes i’m innocent! zen, call the others! should I try pinching him? I’m okay. So is seven. V’s the only one hurt badly it’s a long story. You should go read it yourself did you read the messages rika left? it was between the two of them. Some of it might be true everything’s been done but he couldn’t kick out rika and the hacker do you want me to find proof or something? it's frustrating that you’re in denial when the situation says it all yoosung you’re trying to look after RFA in your own way don’t worry. V will be okay. He’s strong I’m relieved as well to see the members doing fine Day 10 – 91% 00:46 I Want to Talk to You seems like you couldn’t sleep I’m not sure I think it’s rika why don’t you think about how you’ll take revenge on mint eye I hope jumin thinks of a way to destroy mint eye then you must know how bad mint eye is yoosung, you think differently? v was stabbed and you’re talking nonsense no never! You shouldn’t trust her even the slightest bit still I think it’s ironic since I was able to join the RFA with her help rika keeps hurting everyone. Yoosung you should let go of her you should stop thinking of rika! You will try to stop won’t you? VN: seven it’s not your fault what do you plan to do to mint eye? 02:32 See You Soon jumin when are you going to take care of mint eye? this is all because of rika and mint eye yes that’s why I’m going to take revenge on mint eye rika couldn’t accept v’s change. Maybe that’s why she despised him? about this hospital you led us to. We can trust it? if something happens to v I won’t let them get away with this what are you planning to do with rika? She must be judged soon when are you coming? I’m so worried really? Are you sure? there’d be no problem as long as mint eye is destroyed see you! VN: Hello Jumin it must be difficult for you because of rika and mint eye must I go to the party? he did? that doesn’t sound like v you know v very well I’d say their relationship as lovers is now over 06:21 Triangle? he's having surgery. I’m waiting for him in the waiting room but we don’t have to worry about him yet, do we? yoosung you’re coming to the party, aren’t you? feels like it’s been so long since you two chatted together it's all because of v –whining on and on and on-- yes in truth, we were kind of in a love triangle we were getting along fine, but rika kept interfering. Rika seems to be meddling……. I feel like I’ve been pushed away because of Rika. It’s a bit sad wouldn’t she have gone to v’s house? this association has so many secrets it's dangerous to go there. There’s a bomb yoosung, rika is the villain. Snap out of it! but the party’s tomorrow if mint eye is take care of today…we can still have the party, right? this is unacceptable. They intend to interrupt until last moment? seven, you have to get back to work, don’t you? it wasn’t that bad at the hideout…but I prefer being next to v here I’d like to go too. I want to speak to rika yoosung do what you want to do. I don’t want to care about her anymore 08:38 Her Thoughts you’re not welcome here. Leave! of course. Judgment is the only thing left for you what are you hiding in there? no of course not. I’m not going to invite you, rika. Never, ever it feels like you keep trying to seduce yoosung don’t try to prey on jumin. He’s already having a hard time….. jaehee, can’t you make her leave? shouldn’t we send someone to the apartment? you make your words sound so smooth…as always don’t try to weave your way out! Whatever it was,ou were doing something illegal don’t try to smooth your way out of this! You criminal rika…you should stop now I think talking to her anymore will only hurt us more jaehee, let’s leave the room if you have nothing more to say to rika not anymore rika. You should try to grasp what’s going on rika it was you, wasn’t it?! VN: What are you going to do with mint eye? 11:51 Zen Worrying Over Yoosung zen how are you managing? why did you come into the messenger? did he disappear without a word? yoosung! Where are you? yoosung, why did you go out? you should head to zen’s place right now zen can’t you tie down yoosung to your place? everything’s going to be okay I the end, yoosung yes I think you need to take good care of yoosung look what kind of mess we’re having because of rika he went to university because of rika. I see why he wouldn’t want to go to school got it. Take good care of yoosung 14:05 Yoosung’s True Feelings yoosung, stop obsessing over rika there’s nothing you can gain by talking to her she doesn’t have the guts to face you. Since she’s sinned so much weren’t you going to tell her to come back? rika if you’re here to hurt yoosung, you should leave this is all your fault. What are you going to do about yoosung’s wounds? don’t trust a word she says don’t trust her. Never trust her rika your dual side is really sickening someone like her will eventually betray you again. It’s better not to expect anything I don’t think I can believe you even if rika changes, she has no right to stay in RFA rika’s right yoosung…rika has already left v was also hurt because rika acted however she wants rika won’t be able to come tomorrow. You should stop hoping for it that’s enough! if you keep acting like that in the messenger, I will call zen 16:12 Tattered I feel sorry for Rika you should tell rika what you think of her, zen you made me feel so much better. I never want to see her on the messenger again how’s it going with mint eye? I’m also about to blow up…gahhh do you know when rika and the hacker will be taken care of? seven! You are working, aren’t you? isn’t there another way to solve the problem? then let’s get on with it seven…it is because you don’t have the guts to win later? how long do you think we’ll have to wait until v wakes up? I’m angry that it’s v who gets hurt every time I hate mint eye for making v like this can you use it as an ID? they just won’t surrender to the end I agree! It’ll be a disaster if he meets rika try to cheer up with yoosung we’re going to win this, right? good luck, seven! 18:00 I Want You to be Happy why do you keep coming to this chatroom? you don’t even think about the scars you’ve given? it’s evident the RFA has grown out of your grasp, isn’t it? I’m sick of you justifying yourself it's time for the bad rika to disappear your past is not important. You’ve changed so much so you admit yourself you need to be isolated stop meddling with v anymore I don’t want to hear what you think of our relationship 19:49 Save Me you did a good job at the hospital today thank you for worrying about me. I’ll take care of myself how’s mint eye? rika did you hear? Mint eye is over why say that at this point? Rika you’re really strange you know there is no one out there who will understand you, rika now that’s enough rika you’re just being arrogant rika did you want to play messiah or something? that’s not an endless chain of happiness! It’s an endless chain of pain but you wounded v! you demon! how could you do that to v? rika, your words are nothing but a criminal’s excuses …bye rika what should we do with you? aren’t you ashamed of using ray even now? 21:53 My Defeat status please, o head of the unit are you still trying to catch the hacker alive? it looks like they’re willing to die, as this is their last battle then will all of this be taken care of within today? luciel the judicator seven, but you have been fighting off the hacker. Aren’t you tired? is ray reading the chat logs? so ray is really good as his game so it’s all going to end soon so you have been watching us ray, it’s all over now

[crown-eater]

A maze of pain and insane fantasies

Over the course of the past week, ‘Choly had been making a genuine effort to start moving into Cecil’s apartment beyond simply leaving a few belongings here and there as he came and went. Things hadn’t quietened down on the Bell front, but his landlady had served him yet another "final notice” that felt more ominously terminal than the others that had come before it. So between acclimating to his metagenesis and running errands for Bell, Chalcedony, and the Tellurides, he had found himself doing his best to at least scavenge the important things.

Like the leg lamp.

The leg lamp caused a huge fuss, and it ended up in the garbage at least twice. Cecil hated the thing, but it was one of ‘Choly’s most cherished possessions, one of the few things he felt his mother’s hoarding habits had yielded to benefit. He had no idea why it existed, or what cultural significance it might have had, but it was his and he loved it. Ultimately the lovers had to agree to disagree, and the leg lamp moved around the apartment as Cecil repeatedly disowned it. ‘Choly always returned it to the side-table beside the daybed he’d taken for his own.

'Choly had a sizable collection of physical copy novels, including his most prized possessions Roadside Picnic and Crash, the former of which being a nearly verbot relic and thrill token, a tangible piece of Quarter history. But, the stack of roughly a dozen novels paled as child’s play compared to the walls of Cecil’s apartment so densely lined with bookshelves that he also used them as sectional dividers. Cecil had been spelunking to rescue books since childhood, and he cultivated two very different collections from the life’s work: one at the physical copies wing of the library, a good third of it his own additions, and a second at home. His private collection was comprised of books which catered to his own personal interests, including many books too damaged to donate or too controversial to air in public.

Unprecedented for ‘Choly was the experience of a good Wi-Fi signal in a private setting. Cecil had left ‘Choly to the task of unpacking a couple of boxes while Cecil went to work for the day, and once ‘Choly felt like he had gotten sufficient progress, he treated himself to Web surfing unabated.

The notification sound of his chat app startled him, and at first he was disgruntled because an unfamiliar username was messaging him.

9augen: hey you havent been posting very much lately

9augen: everything all right?

9augen: this is rev by the way

«There you are, you stupid ghoul,» he thought to himself. «So you went silent for over a month and came back with a new username. Clever.»

ketherphorbia: *i* haven’t been posting much lately?

ketherphorbia: welcome back to the land of the living

9augen: not quite

9augen: i was just wondering. isnt like you. didnt even make a journal post

9augen: usually you vent if somethings wrong?

ketherphorbia: you’re honestly the only person who’s noticed the radio silence, ironically

9augen: why wouldnt i notice? youre my favorite for reasons you know

ketherphorbia: ...i guess if i can dish to somebody, it’d be you

ketherphorbia: i, well

ketherphorbia: i did it. i tried it.

9augen is typing...

9augen: whatd you get your hands on???

ketherphorbia: the junk that’s making all the stalkers sick. fluxeldrin. turns out my assumptions were wrong. it’s not what made the supermarket geek

9augen: ...

9augen: the slag does it do to a dreg then

ketherphorbia: a lot of what it did really slagging sucks. i’ve mentioned my joint disorder before. all those symptoms are magnified to a fault. i...

ketherphorbia: i kinda literally fall apart now

ketherphorbia: on the plus side, it did make me a meta. a really shitty meta, but ME. a META.

9augen: magic fall apart powers sound incredibly useful to me

9augen: haha pics or it didnt happen

ketherphorbia: yeah i thought you were as hard over this as me, you dreg

ketherphorbia is sending a file DSC39082_100-3493.JPG.

ketherphorbia: it stretches pretty far actually

9augen: fuck--

9augen: shit--

ketherphorbia: did i break you? you should see tricks my dick can do now

9augen: i--

ketherphorbia: i really need to take pics of that, but i’ve been kind of nervous to post ‘em anywhere

9augen: slagging cocktease the fuck man. im at a finnegans

ketherphorbia: sorry

9augen: no you arent. one of the reasons i love you

ketherphorbia: yeah no you’re right. you know me too well

9augen: ive told you before i think youre cute right

ketherphorbia: slag, the skin thing makes it hard to disagree with you

9augen: i never sent you a pic of me did i

ketherphorbia is typing...

ketherphorbia: i’m taken, y’know, but no. you haven’t.

9augen: i know. youre a chouay nasty little creature now like youve always wanted. maybe not the next clayface. but you still have got this teratophilic dregs heart pounding hard tonight

ketherphorbia: ...i try

9augen: theres a reason i havent sent you a pic before, but the reason i was quiet for the past month makes things a little more comfortable. i used to be pretty selfconscious about photographs

ketherphorbia is typing...

ketherphorbia: i have no idea what you could even possibly be going on about. you trying to tell me something happened last month? are you going to tell me what happened or not

9augen: The vampire stuff isn’t an act anymore.

ketherphorbia is typing...

ketherphorbia has stopped typing.

ketherphorbia: WHAT

9augen is sending a file DSC92734_101-2245.JPG.

ketherphorbia cancelled the file transfer.

9augen: the slag did you do that for

ketherphorbia: vampires don’t show up in pictures

9augen is sending a file DSC92734_101-2245.JPG.

9augen: very funny bugdick

ketherphorbia: ...a hybrid...?

9augen: im more lamprey than anything else. but theres a lot of nuance to the cocktail. fine tuning

ketherphorbia: ...gives a whole new meaning to ‘body modification.’ how the slag did you even get that done last month? isn’t that stuff banned?

9augen is typing...

9augen: slag i hear somebody griping at the waitress about the smell of me. like some dead thing crawled out of the bay. shes probably going to kick me out. i should get going anyway

ketherphorbia: rude. you a wifi hopper too then?

9augen is typing...

9augen: parting thought for you though. i want my mouth all over every inch of that metahuman skin of yours. just imagine all the perfect lancet marks making lace out of you.

ketherphorbia: you show up in pictures. i really doubt i could keep you away just by not inviting you in.

9augen: im pretty sure they just called the cops. not the evening i was anticipating

9augen: i gotta get a bite to eat. later dreg

9augen: and would you really do something to keep me away? ;)

ketherphorbia is typing...

9augen is offline.

ketherphorbia: did you just--

‘Choly nearly flung the reader once his friend logged off without further answers. Had Rev just implied what it had sounded like? After a minute of trying to calm down, he opened the vampire’s selfie again and stared. He’d snapped that picture in the Finnegan’s. Time-stamp aside, ‘Choly could recognize the newsprint-plastered walls in the background--that was a frequent Wi-Fi lurk for him. The fact the two shared a stomping ground but had never initiated meeting in person haunted ‘Choly a bit. But now, his friend was a lot less inconspicuous.

He decided to make lunch instead of try to linger on the chaos that just thrust itself upon him. Hours later, he was checking his mail on his reader, and had gotten correspondence from a 9augen email. The following thread of emails were exchanged over the course of just over two months.

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

To: ketherphorbia@geemail.com From: 9augen@tricity.co.dv Subject: Sorry to have cut out on you like that. —————————————

I suppose I do owe you an explanation, Kether. We’ve known each other long enough, and we trust enough enough. Yes, I did get the work done last month. Yes, that kind of work is verbot. Yes, I’m supposed to keep hush-hush about it until the coast is clear. But, I know I can trust you with the knowledge that the movement is still very much alive and kicking.

You like stories. How about some non-fiction for a change?

I didn’t know what to expect when I went to see him. Aside from what little understanding of splicing I had through news coverage, all I knew of it had been vampires in my coven who’d had the fortune--and I use that word in both senses--to have had work done while it was still legal, to become more like themselves and live as the creatures of the night they were in their souls.

There’s still a lot of under the table activity. Alleyways, clinics. People get work done however they can sneak it. One girl came into this one club a few months ago, even, said she’d traded a few sexual favors for the funds to get a splice that’d emulate albinism for her and would cut her teeth. She was having great difficulty keeping herself from feeding directly from the flesh afterward. They hadn’t used sterile equipment, and the last thing she wanted was to contaminate the coven or its donors. She became a pariah for her limitations after the coven learned of the blood disease. Requiring blood be drawn, rather than be capable of drawing it oneself, is weakness, and in one of us weakness is revolting. And she wasn’t strong enough to accumulate the funds to go about seeking a cure, to dig herself back out of her self-imposed grave.

I was so wary of botched jobs, of diseased implements, of cut dosages... Everything after the ban went into effect sounded too good to be true, that anyone might ever have the chance to get work done again by someone with both the credentials and accommodations to do it and do it well. A friend of a friend was in with one of the underground grafters, got us private referrals for a new project, at a cut rate due to it being a test procedure. None of us was given the same time. The location was a residential address, an apartment in the lower-mid of Union City. Nice, but still obviously it was an aging complex. A feathered girl greeted me and, after confirming I was alone, ushered me inside. Despite being a residential space, the whole place was set up like a laboratory. It was prodigious.

I went in with a lot of specific plans in mind. I told the grafter the things I wanted. Heavy on the bat serum. Wolf eyes. I had the money and the opportunity, and I was going to get exactly what I wanted out of it.

Turns out, I only thought I knew what I really wanted out of it.

Let me tell you. This Linnaeus is the most intimidating, persuasive, and completely dominating individual you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. He’s also probably the most brilliant. I couldn’t even begin to guess what species he’s got in him. In the month since, I’ve been told he specializes in splicing with extinct species. I would call bollocks on such a claim, but it sounds crazy enough to be one-hundred percent true.

After hearing the particulars of my desires, he thought a moment, paced. He pulled up a chair next to me and coolly asked me what vampire species I could name off the top of my head--besides the vampire bat. On the spot and overshadowed by his overwhelming aura, I could only stammer out something stupid, like mosquitoe or flea. I can’t remember exactly what answer I gave him, but I clearly remember his trite, patient laugh that came of it. At that point, he pulled out a graphics reader and tried to pitch to me an entirely different angle. I can only guess that an artist can draw so many of a thing before becoming tired of repetition, regardless of it being a commission. And I am starting to believe that the species I desired for the work simply didn’t push the envelope enough to fit the bill of his particular... project.

This was so much more than just getting the features of bat and wolf. This was about becoming myself. He’d deliberated the best way to give me what I’d be happiest with, and I had the impression he had the entire animal kingdom to sample from--within reason, of course, as he’s working within the shadows of the law. He told me briefly, without going into significant detail, that he was working on harnessing the strengths and idiosyncrasies of all life, going beyond the animal kingdom. It certainly sounds promising, whatever he means.

Ultimately, we came to the agreement that my splicing job would use the pacific lamprey as its base, but that I would get the vampire bat ears I’d sought coming to see him. The underlying work is complex, but everything is so finely tuned to enhance everything else. Cave salamander, and a strange anemone-like creature called a tunicate. Did you know the cave salamander has cultural roots with the Roma? The gills along my neck are mostly superficial, and the lungs don’t do much either--all that’s in my skin now. The nasal structure has a bit of a sonar thing to it, from both the salamander and lamprey; every smell is intense now. Slag, my mouth is filled with teeth now, cheeks ringed with lancets. Linnaeus tells me the tunicate helps with bloodborne pathogens. I later found it also helps with whatever I get exposed to in the bay.

Doesn’t help with the smell, though.

I’m glad that I could reach out to you, and keep correspondence with you. It’s taken a lot to get used to being aquatic, but I regret absolutely nothing that I’ve left behind. Living near the docks has been a slagged blessing. Perfect hunting grounds, and nobody bothers me so long as I stay off shore. I think you’d love hearing about the weird shit I find at the bottom of the bay. Believe it or not, it’s good money. Pawn shops hardly ever have the nerve to question where I got waterlogged goods. Not that it’s smart to question me. With this lean, cartilaginous skeleton, the splicing also yielded me significant height gain, mostly in my torso. The lengthening of my body was necessary to accommodate swimming muscles, but I slouch horribly so it’s hardly obvious just how tall I stand until I straighten up.

I so enjoy the shock value of doing that. Norms haven’t seen the likes of this nascent wave of chimeric hybrids, so I must be some kind of unholy cryptid to them. As though I’d continue unfolding in other ways were they to truly rile me. Admittedly, I do. ...But it’s rare to get a glimpse of the inside of my mouth.

I would love to meet you in person finally sometime. Get acquainted with one another’s new-found inhumanities. Get to play with that skin of yours. Show each other in person what the other’s body’s limits are. Maybe include your boyfriend in fooling around, if he’d be interested. I promise I won’t eat you, either of you, except perhaps in the most platonic sense. I cherish you too much.

Though really, I must admit, the hardest thing about adjusting to this wonderful luck of mine was finding a waterproof reader. Not that I get good Wi-Fi reception in the better half of the bay, nor that I’m able to recharge it without venturing onto land. I just don’t want to slag it up if I get it wet, you know?

This got meandering. I’m going to cut it off here, and leave everything open to discussion. It’s good to be back in touch with you. I wonder if, now that you’re what you write about, that you’ll write about yourself instead of just for yourself.

                                 --Don’t be shy.

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

To: 9augen@tricity.co.dv From: ketherphorbia@geemail.com Subject: Re: Sorry to have cut out on you like that.  —————————————

>I suppose I do... >You like storie... >I didn’t know w... >There’s still a... >I was so wary o... >I went in with ... >Turns out, I on... >Let me tell you... >After hearing t... >This was so muc... >Ultimately, we ... >Doesn’t help wi... >It’s taken a lo... >I so enjoy the ... >I would love to... >Though really, ... >This got meande... >--Don’t be shy.

I hope you understand how overwhelmed I am with all this.

I still don’t get how I didn’t pick up after all this time that you were in the vampire scene. That... kind of actually manages to make you even creepier than before. In a good way. I promise in a good way.

Understandable, then, I hope, just how jealous I am of you and what you have. This skin and bone deformity is nothing compared to having become an outright monster, complete with the appetites of one.

Slag it all, man.

You’ve got to tell me everything.

What was it like? To have the serum take effect? You must have been conscious.

Describe it to me.

Your semen must be very salty.

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

To: ketherphorbia@geemail.com From: 9augen@tricity.co.dv Subject: Re: Re: Sorry to have cut out on you like that. —————————————

>>I suppose... >>You like s... >>I didn’t k... >>There’s st... >>I was so w... >>I went in ... >>Turns out,... >>Let me tel... >>After hear... >>This was s... >>Ultimately... >>Doesn’t he... >>It’s taken... >>I so enjoy... >>I would lo... >>Though rea... >>This got m... >>--Don’t be...

>I hope you unde... >I still don’t g... >Understandable... >Slag it all, ma... >You’ve got to t... >What was it lik... >Describe it to ... >Your semen must...

Spouting off Ballard quotes at me. You must be a wreck...

Creepier than before? I suppose. You’ve always known my predilection for the classics. Fang and claw have always been a preference over tooth an nail.

What was it like? It was an utter entheogeny, my friend. Do you know what a grafting gun is like? To aid in the serum’s administration, it isn’t a single needle but six very fine-gauged needles, in a pneumatic hypodermic gun. In that medical implement, the approximation to vaccination is one which makes me smile to this day, chemicals which carried with them the proverbial antibodies which would make me capable of fighting off the plague of a chronic illness otherwise known to the public as “humanity.”

Linnaeus and his technician had before the procedure harnessed me like a modern Saint Andrew, the cross-like restraints having evolved thoroughly alongside the medicine which required them; their robotic cuffs could expand or contract, as could the distance of each of the hydraulic arcs of its aureole, which envelopd the entirety of the body of the device and acted as its structural integrity in the absence of a characteristic saltire structure.

He’d said that it had been difficult to replace this harness in particular after the ban, also said it had been necessary to be procured again. Implications lingered that the ban had bankrupted his agency, though there was something more to the specialty of this device. There had been incidents in the movement’s embryonic state, before he had implemented such measures as protective bondage.

He did not, however, go into further detail.

In deliberate irony or not, he went for the throat for the injection site. The serum itself felt much like a typical intravenous application, well-chilled and somewhat astringent. Heavy in the veins. Its seeming effervescence was not from gases, but of its heterogeneous components under high pressure. The syringe hisses pneumatically when it fires its contents into you One would suppose that someone with an aversion to needles would panic at hearing that sound in the sense of an injection; though, panic might be too considerate a word. Especially inches from one’s ear.

If he had not been referencing a phobia of needles in his practical necessity for the ring-like restraint system, however, it was the resultant agony of a teenage growth spurt, magnified across the span of the boughs of species, and sped up within a frame observable to the naked eye. It was as though I’d never truly experienced the metamorphosis to the adulthood I’d been meant to undertake. As a normal human being acclimates to his changing body, he might have his shins ache, or be inexplicably hungry, or suffer from bouts of hormone swings. All these things are exponentially worse when your cells are shifting between species, and trying to settle comfortably somewhere in between.

I never realized just what kind of masochist I was until that night.

Bone became cartilage. Skin became mucous membrane. Entire organs restructured themselves. There were entire minutes I could not breathe. My jaws dissolved, for the most part; simultaneously, the total surface of my expanding mouth sprouted dozens of rings of razor-sharp thorns. Nearly three times the vertebrae now comprise my spine. I was suffocating, and I was starving.

The metamorphosis extorts a great energy from a hybrid.

The feathered woman was the one to release me from the cross, whispering forth pedantic blandishments as I sank to rest on all fours. As I glared up at her, the extension of my external gills must have seemed more a threat display than a cry for oxygen. My head swam, but all of me needed to. I was too dizzy to take in anything either of them said, though I clearly recall the doctor finding some distinct pleasure and pride in how completely the serum had taken. “You’ll learn to breathe again,” I remember him admiring as the two of them permitted me at last to shove myself out the door and down the street.

I was fortunate that their secret clinic was so low in the city’s bowels, so close to the river. I didn’t care then how rank the water was, how I knew in my heart even just a fraction of the stuff might kill me. Water. I needed water. I don’t remember how I ended up at the dock, or how I ended up in the bay. I imagine I mostly flopped by inertia. The salt only stung for a moment, as it caught me off-guard; but then, as my faculties began to seep back into me, I could tell that the saline levels were facilitating my ability to breathe and take in the water.

So I was a saltwater fish now? I remember asking myself. It’s a good thing I’m a Jersey devil, then, I guess. I remember the insistent hunger, too, and that even then, my veins burned violently, especially those in my skull.

You know me well enough to know what state in which that experience left me. You also know me well enough to take pride in knowing this is an erotic work crafted for ketherphorbia, written for your own eyes only.

I suppose it’s not entirely out of line for me to return the favor, and ask you to describe your metagenesis.

A celebration. A coronation of wounds inflicted against the iniquity of manhood.

We’re both creatures now. More alike than either of us thought previous. Am I right?

I want to see more of you.

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

To: 9augen@tricity.co.dv From: ketherphorbia@geemail.com Subject: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to have cut out on you like that. —————————————

>>I hope you... >>I still do... >>Understan... >>Slag it al... >>You’ve got... >>What was i... >>Describe i... >>Your semen...

>Spouting off Ba... >Creepier than b... >What was it lik... >Linnaeus and hi... >He’d said that ... >He did not, how... >In deliberate i... >If he had not b... >I never realize... >Bone became car... >The metamorphos... >The feathered w... >I was fortunate... >So I was a salt... >You know me wel... >I suppose it’s ... >A celebration. ... >We’re both crea... >I want to see m...

There are no words to convey just how arousing that sounds. I guess the best compliment I can give is to divulge the mighty fine time I’ve had rereading that last email. I can only imagine how the fuck the man knew how bad your autoerotic asphyxia was. Maybe he noticed the rope-like bruising on your neck... I’ll get off your case, but I won’t stop getting off on your case. :)

You want to know how it went? The story’s one testament after another of my own clumsiness and stupidity. It started with a date with Cecil at the coffee shop on Garden Center. The woman spearheading Tri-City’s EPA presence had decided that same shop would be where she would unwind after the day she’d been having, and a point of conversation with Cecil resulted in her burning ears shouldering in to both drop information and grab some of her own from us. One thing led to another, and I ended up with enough information to suggest not just where the Supermarket Geek had taken his spill, but what it had been he spilled in.

I vacillate whether I have hindsight not to have researched my facts further before acting upon them. But it was enough for me, that the conversation had yielded an unprecedented factoid, to the point that said information spurred a particular writing session.

I don’t know if you read the “Quarter Oysters” wip I threw up on my blog a while back. I’ve written more recent things, but there are a number of reasons I can’t share them. Really, though. I don’t know. Maybe I can share them with you. You’ve already made me an accomplice to slag all of verbot shit. Turnabout’s fair play...

Any rate... After writing “Quarter Oysters,” I snuck out of the house and broke into the dump site I’d had described to me. The place was littered with toxic waste drums. In several spots, they were stacked up over a story high. I’d never seen such a thing be so organized as this. Many of them were leaking to spite their order. Some of them even glowed. There were two guards stationed, and I managed to duck them once; they’d almost found me the first time because I’d slipped and thrown out my knee, but I chewed on the shoulder of my shirt and reset it while in hiding. I found a drum of Fluxeldrin cordoned off by tape, and I had my tippling cane with me, so I had a vial to sample of it. I’d have taken more than one, since the cane contained four, but I already heard them coming for me, and I couldn’t hide fast enough. So, I only took the one and hastily reassembled my cane, rather than risk getting caught actively stealing it. They threw me out of the Yard, but they thought I’d just been a snooping idiot cripple. For once my youthful look and decrepit demeanor benefited me. They had no idea I’d smuggled my prize.

I shambled down the street and found myself a safe place where I could mull things over in private. The place was run down, even for a half-completed apartment complex. I’m not even joking, it was creepy as hell. Someone had been living there, I’m sure of it, and from what I saw in the rotting pressboard cabinets, I’m sure they were cooking drugs or bombs or something. There was even a nasty spring-box mattress there. And a bathtub, but not attached to anything. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the kind that installs into where the floor and wall meet when it’s just a free-floating hunk of fiberglass, but they are unsettling as hell when they’re not installed.

My reader was going dead because I’d used it as a flashlight while retrieving my prize, so I couldn’t really research after the fact. I knew Cecil would freak if he found me in possession of the stuff, so I had to act on it then and there. I didn’t have enough to rub it into my skin and get even coverage, so I decided like an idiot I had to drink it for maximum effect. Fluxeldrin glows an aggressive lime green, is oily like antifreeze, and smells like rotten cut flowers but worse. The consistency of it made it cling to every surface of my innards that it came into contact with, and the smell and taste of it had me fighting all compulsion to regurgitate every last drop of it along with all my organs. I flung the vial after downing its contents, too caught up in the moment to realize the recklessness of it. Fighting the urge to vomit, hands on my mouth trying to keep my lips clenched tightly together, I ultimately collapsed on the mattress, not even caring about the grime.

When I awoke, there was blood on the mattress where my face had been, crusted up around my nose and mouth. I threw out the same knee again upon trying to stand--but this time, I threw it out as though the joint weren’t actually connected, and I spilled out on the cement floor. I really wish my reader hadn’t been dead by then, because I would kill right now for a photograph of something that can make me vomit. And I mean I puked to the bile, the way that the fall had disheveled my leg. Couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I managed to get it back together, and gather my belongings. Putting my cane back together, I barely managed to get to my date with Cecil for lunch the next day.

I bullshat some stupid excuse about having had to hit the yards early that morning for something time sensitive. The night before he’d suggested that he could get me a job working at the Central Library, and after lunch he dragged me up there to show me around. I was interested in doing all this, really I was... but it was so hard with all my joints feeling like every surface was over-oiled. With fifteen minutes to closing time, I ran into the Geek trying to use his library card for the first time. Meeting him, I can guarantee you he’s a stalker too. ...I made an idiot out of myself and really shook him up trying to get him to eat my finger splints. I’m still messed up over that.

But that doesn’t even get to the verbot shit. The stress of having slagged up first impressions with the Geek had me pretty literally falling apart. All the physical problems my joint disorder’s inured me to, that all’s magnified by what the Fluxeldrin did to me. Worse for wear, I ended up trying to get in with Dr. Bell before the All’s Well Clinic closed for the evening. I didn’t manage it. So, I did the logical thing and broke in through the back door with the intent to “borrow” some pain pills, and wait out the night to see him first thing in the morning. The first week I was like this was the most excruciating, man. This condition has the unprecedented ability to drive me to do just about anything to alleviate these systems, when they flare up. And breaking and entering a pharmaceutical storage wasn’t outside the realm of what felt acceptable in my present state that night...

I fell face-first into Bell’s racket. He’s the only doctor in the city with knowledge of the metahuman condition, and the only one whom I can reasonably see helping me cope with what the Fluxeldrin did to me--but it comes at with a high price tag. I know his deal, but he has that B&E hanging over me. If I don’t do exactly what he says, he’s got ways to make my life hell. And he’s got me running shopping errands for him for the truck he cooks for his projects. He’s the heart of the Quarter, I just know it.

I’m so torn on the right thing to do because my dick doesn’t want what’s taking place to ever stop. I guess I’m telling you not just that I trust you not to tell anybody, but that I want some input on what kind of person it makes me, to be going along with this madness to avoid the fallout of shaking the foundation everything’s tentatively scattered upon. I’m scared, Rev. For Bell’s victims, for me, for Cecil. For everybody who’s ever gotten sick in the Quarter.

This got really long-winded and meandered into a “from one friend to another” situation. So, to make it up to you, a quick and dirty recap:

I broke into a stalking yard and stole a flask of fluxeldrin. And drank it. I drank something that fluoresced neon lime green, smelled and tasted like rot, and felt like gasoline. Something I knew could kill me. Something I knew was banned in its industry of origin due to its health hazards. I drank that. And it made me the shittiest meta that will likely ever be.

It’d be nice to meet, but I’m not sure how that would even work. You said you’re a fish now, but you’d be a fish out of water... Even I know better than to go anywhere near the toxic soup that dares to call itself Hudson Bay...

▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼ ▼

To: ketherphorbia@geemail.com From: 9augen@tricity.co.dv Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Sorry to have cut out on you like that. —————————————

>>Spouting o... >>Creepier t... >>What was i... >>Linnaeus a... >>He’d said ... >>He did not... >>In deliber... >>If he had ... >>I never re... >>Bone becam... >>The metamo... >>The feathe... >>I was fort.. >>So I was a... >>You know m... >>I suppose ... >>A celebrat... >>We’re both... >>I want to ...

>There are no wo... >You want to kno... >I vacillate whe... >I don’t know if... >Any rate... Aft... >I shambled down... >My reader was g... >When I awoke, t... >I bullshat some... >But that doesn’... >I fell face-fir... >I’m so torn on ... >This got really... >I broke into a ... >It’d be nice to...

Delight is in the details. Oh, would I have never expected a short story written explicitly for mine eyes alone--let alone with such minutiae of gauche detail! Were it under suspicion of being fiction, I would think you a master for the unfortunate believability of your tale; that the course of events you’ve described can’t not have happened.

I’ve been around the coastline of the Quarter since my rebirth. The scent you described is very potent for this nose, these gills. If I were to hazard assumptions, I do believe the stuff has begun to seep into the water table, into the river. Of all the areas of the waterways around this city I can’t tolerate, it’s there, believe it or not. Something about it is fundamentally repulsive, and no matter what it is, I can’t shake what feels like an archetypal fear of it. So, for you to so casually narrate your deliberate pursuit of obtaining this Fluxeldrin business, and so flippantly have imbibed it... Well, I harbor a revolting admiration for you.

You do find yourself between a rock and a hard place, I imagine. Several. Or maybe, you simply find yourself hard between all these rocks. I won’t force details, though I can certainly read between the lines. It’s difficult to say. But, knowing you...I needn’t remind you how often we’ve shared the fantasy of some pandemic mutating the masses like some fabric-rending reality, culling the unfit. Everything is perfect.

The world is fluorescing into wounds, as you so describe.

To say you’d kill for something graphic enough to make you retch. I’d love to see it, too. Systemically disarticulate you, just to watch what you’d do. Stretch out that stuff that used to be your skin, curious how translucent it is, admire the veins.

Calling the bay an unapproachable toxic soup, though? I survive just fine in it. It’s all I have, Kether.

Regardless.

I’m sure we can determine a way to make this work.

[pursuitofsimpler-blog]

Journey into Minimalism

I developed a habit of hoarding – I’m not even sure when it started.

My bedroom has been a warzone for over two decades, and now in my 30s, I still struggle to get (even slightly) organized. My closet was flooded with clothes. Knick-knacks, clutter, garbage, and any furniture that was offered to me freely have dominated all of the places I’ve called home.

At one point, I had four couches, three of which I never used, none of which were nice. I had drawers stuffed with random flyers, crumpled receipts and pocket lint. All my clothing was filthy, tattered, and tired – but I refused to let it go.

 If I didn’t want to deal with something or didn’t know how to throw it away, I would stuff it away somewhere I see it, like a bag or a closet. I figured if I hid it away, I wouldn’t need to deal with it. I developed a pretty strong coping mechanism: denial and distraction.

 The Darkest Days

When I was 25, I hit rock bottom. I was living in a condemnable mess of an apartment, overflowing garbage. The only part of my apartment that was even remotely cleared of chaos was a small space on my couch where I sat slumped each night, taking drugs and watching South Park DVDs.

Over the four years I lived there, not caring about myself or knowing how to ask for help– things looked really, really bad.  I had been so ashamed of the way I was living, I couldn’t bare to have anyone come over to visit me. I looked for any and every excuse not to go home so I wouldn’t have to look at it all. I hated myself for the way I was living, and not knowing how to overcome it. Not knowing where to even begin.

I was suicidal.

That chaos in my apartment was the physical embodiment of what was going on with my mental state. Everything was overwhelming and it seemed impossible to know how to fix it. I was afraid to throw things away, let go of t-shirts that no longer fit, and worried that if someone knew what my life at home really looked like they would judge me. I’d have an anxiety attack if I threw away an old envelope – like, wtf.

I was ashamed. With my depression at its most terrifying point, I didn’t believe I deserved any better for myself. I lived in shit because I was shit. I had accepted that this would be my reality forever, a disgusting chaotic mess - just like me.

But then the seasons changed.

I had to leave my apartment and move back home to get my head screwed back on straight.  I had no choice but to deal with my apartment and the four-year mess I’d made of it. My mom and a few friends came over to help me throw things away and pack up my belongings.

My mom promised not to say anything that would make me feel worse than I already did, but she did cry a little. My apartment, and everything in it, was being tossed into large black garbage bags and chucked away. I was trying to justify every little thing I had, I had an excuse for everything I insisted I had to hold onto (“Maybe I’ll need this old envelope!”).

Luckily, I had some wonderful people present to assure me it would be fine, despite my protests and panic. No one dared mention the fact my apartment smelled like a funeral home. They helped me to discern the difference between garbage, clutter, and things I needed. It was really hard – but I had to trust them. I mean, I clearly didn’t have the capacity to figure it out on my own.

Since then, I’ve never let my space and environment become that toxic mess. However, that doesn’t mean I resolved my deep-seeded issues with being organized, procrastination, and messiness. Even when I was a child, I had a penchant for making messes. It’s a really tough habit to break. It’s hard to be vigilant about change when I’ve grown so accustom to living in a mess.

 “But I’m a Creative!”

I’ve heard it’s a common denominator among creative types that they are a little messier by nature - I’m okay with that. I’ll probably never live in a stark white apartment with perfect things arranged just so - I’m okay with that.

As an emotionally intelligent person who is sensitive as hell, I find myself placing attachment to things that shouldn’t be important, knick-knacks especially. I feel an invisible pressure to display everything. Nothing of mine has a home, it all just kind of gets scattered around my place, accompanied by my personal hopes it will pass for ‘decorating’. No matter how I rearrange the stuff, there is never enough space and it always looks like a mess.

And clothes – god, do I ever collect a lot of cheap clothes. Not nice quality clothes, just impulsive buys that give me that insta-satisfaction of owning something new. Maybe I’ll wear them a couple times, and then they get tossed into an indiscernible pile of laundry, never to leave the floor. For a long time, I don’t think I had a handle on what my personal style was, so I’d effortlessly just buy something trendy in hopes of blending in.

 This recipe of shopping for quick highs and an inability to let things go has made it impossible for me to maintain a calm living space. I can’t get organized, there is just too much to get organized. Everything is everywhere, and I can’t manage it. I don’t really love most of my things, I just carry them around from place to place.

 Netflix and No Chill

One Friday night, my boyfriend and I decided to watch ‘Minimalism’ on Netflix. I kept seeing it appear in my ‘Suggested for You’ section. Every time I’d see the title, I would get anxiety. I didn’t really want to watch ‘Minimalism’ because I was afraid it would be too chilling for me.  Comparing my chaotic, messy life - abundant with meaningless things - to the simplicity of Minimalism had the potential to make me feel weird. He pressed play.

It did make me feel weird.

It was a lovely and impactful documentary, and it shook me to my very core. It made me question a lot of my choices. It made me look around at all the things I’m surrounded by and ask myself… WHAT HAVE I DONE? What does any of this stuff mean, and does it add any value to my life? I didn’t really love most of anything I had, and I doubt I’d notice if one day it all disappeared.

I rocked back and forth on the floor for two days. I realized I really needed to make a change. I needed to let go.

Everyone featured in ‘Minimalism’ seemed so happy. They all seemed…. Calm. They seemed to know what was important to them, and what wasn’t. They spent their energy on the things that enriched their lives – not material things.  Could it be true that you could live more with less? Would my life be better…. if I changed?

It inspired and scared me simultaneously. We watched it just shortly before Christmas, and I decided that for my upcoming 31st birthday, I would make a commitment to change. I wouldn’t rid myself of everything I owned, but I wanted to begin my journey to detach from my myriad of stuff.

My birthday was in early March, and my boyfriend and I were moving into a new apartment for April 1st, the perfect excuse to purge. We donated bags upon bags to goodwill, and took weekly trips to the dump and recycling centre ridding our messy home of clutter and junk.

Moving day came, and even with the actual tons of things we let go – there was still so, so much stuff.

 Where To Now

I started by letting go of some things I’d had for years. My Super Nintendo, Electric Guitar and Acoustic Guitar. I’ve had them all for years, and I guess I felt like they were a part of my identity. When I was a kid I loved playing videogames after school with my sister, as a teenager I wanted to be a rockstar. I thought those things were defining. I let them go.

I went through all my shoes, and donated at least 20 pairs of perfectly good shoes knowing I never wear them. I let go of my favourite, most coveted tattered winter coat with the fur trim and embroidery. I loved that thing for over 15 years. I let it go.

And this weekend, I decided to pursue another experiment, Project 333. I painstakingly curated my wardrobe down to 33 items. I did cheat a little since I kept an extra bag for gym stuff and my Pleaser Pole heels (I need them). And I didn’t include accessories, so I have a couple extra scarves that I wanted to keep for cold days. I got it down to 5 pairs of shoes.

It seemed like it would be impossible. I went back and forth on my choices for a good 3 hours before finally feeling like I’d made the perfect capsule closet. It wasn’t as impossible as I thought it would be.

I took a step back and all my clothes were right there, on hangers, organized, and so easy to manage. I felt instantly lighter. Plus, everything I kept in my closet are things I really adore and feel great wearing. It will make getting dressed every day a breeze.

There is something about getting started made me feel optimistic. I am looking forward to seeing where this leads. The more things I have let go, the easier it is to start questioning the things I keep. I look at things more critically now and I am going to refuse to grant them space unless it’s sheer love between us.

I thought this would be an impossible mission, but humans are incredible creatures. We have the ability to change and pursue the things that make our lives full. I want a more meaningful and connected life. I want to feel less anxiety. I want to be able to focus in on what matters with more clarity.

This journey starts now, and I’m going to write about it.

 Stay Tuned.