#maybe its just cus ive killed 30 of them | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ruby-whistler · 4 years ago

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Srry but i noticed in one of ur dream posts u Referred to tommy's cat as hope. I must correct u, that cat was born pussbou and died pussboi. /lh Also tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile btw just wanna say Also for ur posts about dreams trauma or wilbur manipulating him can u provide links to vods or other proof? Srry if i seem rude i mean that in a "genuinely curious way"

Aaa sorry if my ask came off as rude im just genuinely curious :(((

hi! dw, you don't seem rude at all, and i'm extremely happy someone with a different perspective has found my blog! i really appreciate that sort of attitude and am happy to answer :]

/dsmp /rp

the cat was called pussboy by tommy, but dream only called it "the cat" and then said that "it was hope", which is why it sort of became a symbol (his hope is dead, basically) - that's why i kind of made its name capitalized, because it was more of a metaphor than anything.

most c!dream fans call the cat hope because it's just really nice and really symbolic, and also really sad when you think about it. that's why the name was used in the essay, just to clear up the confusion!

tommy killing that cat was nothing compared to dream killing mushroom henry in exile

i don't really think so? mooshroom henry was entertainment more than anything, and even if it was bad, when watching the stream i don't remember seeing him mourn that much - on the other hand, dream was very quickly and very obviously attached to the cat, with it being his only companion in months of isolation, along with the hope that even when tommy left it would keep him company.

keep in mind c!dream has been deprived of stimuli and human contact for so long it's officially classified as psychological torture at that point.

i don't mean to compare trauma or even compare deaths - because honestly, what c!dream and c!tommy have gone through individually is incomparable and i think neither should be diminished in favor of the other since they're both terrible situations.

that's why i disagree that it "was nothing compared to" - it had an obvious effect on c!dream, and was still c!tommy killing an animal specifically to hurt him, no matter what reasons he had.

when i'm talking about effects people's actions have had on c!dream, i'm not talking about those people. i'm talking about him. :) /lh

as for the trauma, a lot of people agree that a lot of the things he says or does are trauma responses, and hence it's very possible that he's had trauma before he went into prison!

this includes being repeatedly called a tyrant via propaganda by about half of your friends who decided to betray you, trying to keep peace and being pushed deeper into villainy instead, repeatedly being put in between a rock and a hard place in order to make sure the people you care about don't start killing each other, then being betrayed by your closest friends after merely trying to keep peace (sapnap & george) and just in general having no control over your life or image and grasping at straws to gain it back.

i know a lot of people with trauma who heavily relate to certain trauma responses, which aren't always just shaky breaths and flashbacks, but trauma often also manifests itself in extremely ugly and destructive ways, both inwardly and outwardly.

trying to control the people around you is also very often a response to going through trauma, as well as emotional repression which is... rather evident on c!dream during season two. it only seems to get worse with repeated abandonment.

in the end, during the vault scene, the way he acts really just isn't at all the way a healthy person would act, and a lot of his really bad mindsets come from the way he was taught by the world around him.

the character is very reserved however, and since we don't have his pov we can't really say for certain - a lot of people claim it in good faith because they have a lot of evidence for it, and i think they're certainly valid in that.

that is just before the prison, however. from what happened during the prison arc? there is no denying he's traumatized at this point.

he's been emotionally and physically abused by c!sam since the very beginning of being imprisoned, and being in solitary confinement for over two weeks is generally considered psychological (and maybe also physical?) torture. that alone shows up in a lot of symptoms of his mental deterioration while in pandora's during people's visits, and quackity's "sessions" just absolutely drove the point home.

what he's gone through during this arc is absolutely incomparable to anything others charactes have faced before, and it's just plain suffering being endured by someone who is, despite everything, still a human being.

as for the wilbur manipulation thing!! it's talking about the whole vassal scene (though even beforehand a lot of their interactions are pretty iffy), and here's a post about that :]

I also have a small question about the analysis u last reblogged cus it says "why dream needed lmanburg gone rightfully" and like. The house analogy is poor because for one cus the land is infinite. And 2 cus punz's yard was literally larger then lmanburg. And also stuff about dream being a mediator? Can u provide examples?

i wouldn't say it was poor. dream's said a lot of times that he didn't care in the slightest about the land - a lot of his problems with l'manberg arose with the fact that wilbur basically built it on lies and tried to disallow half of the server to come there. c!dream was mad about the division and the fact that wilbur wanted "freedom" to have authority in his lands - over others, as can be seen in this post also.

the table analogy was fitting not because dream was some overlord, but because these were literally friends he invited to hang out and live in a place he wanted to call home. claiming a part of it for yourself and saying people of a certain nationality can't come in is directly opposing those goals.

in the early days of the smp, dream's always been a mediator between his friends - sapnap and george, who would often get into fights and go around killing each other! he would always do his best to stop the conflict, which continued after tommy joined when he took him to court and then later tried to mediate conflicts he was a part of, which resulted in tommy killing him unprovoked, stealing his gear, and starting the disc wars when dream was trying to get his stuff back. later, during pogtopia, he is also most concerned with peace over everything, and this seems to continue indefinitely after.

Today i was thinking about how messed up the final control room was. Like. Dream arranged the betrayal and punz and sapnap killed tommy and tubbo who like. Were literal children and their pals (because the author, wilbur soot, is dead/j but srsly if u take the streamers words tommy said he was 9 during the revolution sooo)

Sorry im gonna ramble about how dumb canon ages are for a second cus like. Streamers can say the characters are one way or another (wilbur saying he is mentally 30-something, etc.) But in the end the characters act like they(or at least their streaming personas) do.

i... honestly don't find it that bad? they were in a war, and the final control room was basically just supposed to end it quicker. the l'manbergians made it clear they were going to fight to the death, so they really left c!dream no other choice. and it's not like he didn't give them chances to give up.

also yeah the 9 year old thing was retconned, because in that case c!dream would've been 14 and i don't think that's true.

c!tommy and c!dream were both young and once again, in a war. the final control room was an attempt to assure victory, which both sides would've taken if possible, but only c!dream saw he had the option.

i do agree the whole child soldier thing was bad but... complain about that to c!wilbur, methinks. he talked naive kids into fighting for his personal power. however, the age argument isn't really valid either way. they had enough agency to sign up for it, and whether or not c!wilbur pushing the intense nationalism onto them had something to do with that is another debate entirely.

Bacl to final control room cus like??? Also fun fact punz took 2 of wilbur's canon lives. And like that probably is what started wilbur's paranoia which later lead to his spiral and i. Many thoughts full of lmanburg today.

i'm pretty sure cc!wilbur said what lead to c!wilbur's spiral was a "dark, twister view of possessions" and "disregard for his fellow citizen whom he claimed to love so much", but i really wouldn't say it was the control room; if anything the sudden loss of power after the elections seems to me like the trigger for his spiral.

I watched the exile arc live and. I feel dirty almost for feeling little to no sympathy for c!dream (srry ive been forgetting to add that aa) because of his actions toward c!tommy and like. The whole probation was so humiliating and unfair and c!dream was planning to frame him for the crimes he and puffy did under the the guise of "pranks" and c!quackity was planning to seize the vice president role.

i mean... to be fair, if you didn't watch the prison arc much yet or only watch tommy's perspective i understand not feeling that sympathetic - however, i encourage you to maybe watch a few prison visits, since they could help you see the whole picture better!

i also watched it live, and i also thought it was terrible, but i share very much the same sentiment for the prison arc because. absolutely no one should have to go through either of those things, you know?

i don't think probation was that humiliating? he was just. being asked to not start conflict with the other factions for two weeks. of course, what happened as a result is in no way justified, but i don't think probation itself would've been bad at all. either way yeah the framing and c!quackity's behaviour was. very yikes, i agree.

Also c!tommy antis are dumb because they say "he deserved exile angry emoji" i dont see u saying that about ranboo. Just say you hate cc!tommy and go. Also people say c!tommy was just as toxic to c!dream and i??? No. One is the victim and one is the abuser and like. :/// man. This part is rambly srry

i wouldn't say they hate cc!tommy? cc!tommy has a persona who people think is annoying at first ( but then they subscribe because he is super entertaining big man! ) but a lot of c!tommy's actions are straight up toxic to certain characters, such as c!funndy and c!jack. he has a very dismissive attitude towards others and their trauma and it does affect the people around them very negatively.

examples; his repeated bullying and behavior towards fundy:

Tommy: “Fundy, I’m just here to kinda let you know that I – if you weren’t Wilbur’s son, you would be out of L’manburg, alright? Just remember – you need to keep that relationship with your father. I saw how asshole-y and bratty you were acting in the courtroom the other night. You need to pull your shit together young man.”

......

Fundy: “I’m wearing glasses…are you making fun of my eyesight?!”

Tommy: “Yes.”

Sapnap: “Your father would be very disappointed.”

Fundy: “Wh – disappointed for wearing glasses?!”

Tommy: “You got glasses, like what are you wearing…”

Fundy: “What do you mean?”

Tommy: “Sapnap, Sapnap, over here. Fundy, Fundy, Fundy, I’m really sorry to say this – I’m just here to publicly denounce you.”

Fundy: “…What?”

( credit for transcript: @/findingjoynweirdstuff )

he's also responsible for a big chunk of c!jack's trauma, both with actions and words, and that's why i think certain people might dislike the character, and i don't think that's wrong of them. anyone can dislike any character they want if they don't attack people for liking them, in my opinion.

also c!tommy was most definitely toxic against c!dream in the cell. it's of course understandable but that doesn't change the fact he was constantly hitting and insulting him (without dream doing anything back for a long while until he snapped) which is toxic behaviour.

i wouldn't say he was "just as" though, so i agree with you on that. they're different and they behave differently.

i made a dream blob keychain today. Is it possible to send images if u wanna see? Idk cus i havent used tumblr before. I think that's all for now. Thx for letting me talk :D peepoShy -curious anon (but fr a connoreatspants c!dream redemption arc would be cool)

yooo that's cool! i don't really,,, know if it's possible to send images? try it out and if it isn't i'll try find a way to turn it on.

also, no problem! just please remember this is a c!dream sympathetic blog, and me as well as my followers are uhh,, oftentimes emotionally attached / personally relate to the character, so if you could avoid sending hate on the character (not that you have or that i expect you to, just a friendly reminder) in the asks that would be great! we already see a lot of it unwillingly so, i'd rather not see more, but as long as the discussion is civil i'm absolutely ok with you asking more and with me answering more questions if you'd want to! :)

if anyone else would like to reblog this and add some things i might've missed with my answers, feel free to, just go easy on her (she uses she/her pronouns!) and keep it factual.

i hope u had a good or at least ok time at school today :D

thanks! i gtg now because exam tomorrow but i'm going to try write the redemption essay tomorrow as well because ohhh boy i have a lot of ideas about what all i could write around the concept.

also sorry this was long, i can't keep my tongue on the leash :[

#c!tommy critical #c!wilbur critical #my asks #curious anon #long post #history #tw torture #tw manipulation

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sapphicwomanwithnopatience · 4 years ago

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just gonna answer these cus im a little bored and procrastinating on my job

65 Questions You Aren't Used To

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? - no, we are all very real

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? - maybe a two. things do exist in the dark.

3. The person you would never want to meet? - trump... ill probably get sent to jail if you put me within reach of that man

4. What is your favorite word? - “as” its a beautiful structure for metaphors

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? - maybe ash. not very unique, not very standoffish, but one of strongest and most reliable forms of wood

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? - my hair got fucked up while i slept it was a little surprising

7. What shirt are you wearing? - red pullover

8. What do you label yourself as? - a demon

9. Bright room or dark room? - dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? - watching inkmaster

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? - i dont have one

12. Who told you they loved you last? - my mom

13. Your worst enemy? - societal expectation

14. What is your current desktop picture? - hyyh bts

15. Do you like someone? - no

16. The last song you listened to? - butter

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? - nobody? killing people isnt all that

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? - currently? that one mf in texas yall know who

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? - um? what

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) - my eyes. ive been told theyre bottomless.

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? - id be hot. not really too interested in leading a life that isnt my own. id probably look in the mirror a little bit and then just about my day?

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? - im sort of a all-kill when it comes to art. i can hold my own in painting, drawing, music production, singing, writing, directing and envisioning. so i guess artistic prowess? idk im a biologist so its not common in my field.

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? -im not afraid of much.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. -cubano

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? - im depositing it in the bank

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? -id love to say some place in asia but logically since i only speak spanish and english ill be going puerto rico

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? -michelob ultra. ik ik beer is gross blah blah idc i consume beer much faster than other alcohol and its refreshing so ill go with that

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? - mandatory therapy

29. What is your favorite expletive? - cunt (im not british)

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? - laptop

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? - petition to let me erase more than one. its all or none erased, because all my experiences defined me. id need all of them or i wouldnt be me. if were erasing, get rid of it all.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! -this is not a question

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? - i see ghosts and i dont want them back. death happens when its necessary. dont cheat that.

34. What was your last dream about? - i dont remember but i know it happened

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? - i am a good

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? - yeah i broke my wrist once

37. Have you ever built a snowman? - no

38. What is the color of your socks? - not wearing ones rn but usually black

39. What type of music do you like? - anything but misogynist country

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? - sunset

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? - cookies and cream

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) - real madrid

43. Do you have any scars? - many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? - research scientist

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? - less migraines

46. Are you reliable? - yes

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? - you processed all that trauma yet?

48. Do you hold grudges? - depends on the offense

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? - i wouldnt

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? - someone asked me if id let them snort xanax out of my asshole

51. Are you a good liar? - great, actually

52. How long could you go without talking? - havent tested this but a long time

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? - bangs, not because i looked bad but because curly hair and bangs dont always mix

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? - all the time

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? - im decent at a british one

56. What do you like on your toast? - i dont eat toast

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? - a succulent

58. What would be you dream car? - mercedez benz 1982 300D in yellow

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. - i sing and dance in the shower

60. Do you believe in aliens? -youd be dumb not to

61. Do you often read your horoscope? - not really

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? - dont have one

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? - i dont exactly think either are cool.

64. What do you think about babies? - hatred.

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. - ?

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labelleangel · 8 years ago

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Tag of Basic Information ~ okie dokie so I just saw I was tagged in this and it's like 3:30 in the morning and I can't sleep (plus I saw this video on sleep paralysis and it freaked me out) (plus I'm on my phone which makes things tough) (and thank you Emily for tagging me I'm too tired to search up your username rn but thank you ily bae) ABC tag AGE – 18 BIGGEST FEAR – probably being disliked or being a disappointment/a failure. Also clowns, fuck clowns. I used to be extremely scared of spiders and I still am but I'm able to kill them now CURRENT TIME – 3:39 am but will probably be after 4am when I finish this DRINK YOU LAST HAD – Water EVERYDAY STARTS WITH – Coffee, a pb&j, and a clementine FAVORITE SONG – I have a lot but I'm gonna try to keep it brief. Any Disney song, My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion, Evermore by Josh Groban, Ride by Lana Del Rey, a shitload of Beatles songs there's too many to list, Monkees songs, and songs from Newsies, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat GHOSTS, ARE THEY REAL? – Bill Nye and other scientists say nah but I've seen a couple things that make me think "shit, probably" HOMETOWN – ive been told it's a stereotype that we're bitchy and I don't doubt it. But we're hipster af I feel IN LOVE WITH – My dog Angus, Leo DiCaprio, speaking french and anything french related (if you're from Quebec or France hmu let's communicate a bitch is tryna become fluent) and nature. JEALOUS OF – People who are straight A students easily and people with clear skin KILLED SOMEONE – Shhhh LAST TIME YOU CRIED – idk probably yesterday MIDDLE NAME – Lindsay NO. OF SIBLINGS – one ONE WISH – to be able to speak all the languages of the world fluently PERSON I LAST CALLED/TEXTED – My homegirl Gillian (love you boo) QUESTION YOU’RE ALWAYS ASKED – I used to be asked if I was in college when I was still in high school but now I'm in college I'm not asked that anymore lol REASON TO SMILE – Emily had a FANTASTIC list so mine would probably be similar to hers. LEGGO: sunrises and sunsets. The beach. A walk through the woods on a sunny day. Snuggling up with a pet. Snuggling up with a person. Seeing a loved one for the first time in forever. Disney movies. Romance movies and fairy tales. Hearing something in a language you're trying to learn and being able to understand it. Finding seashells on the beach. Traveling to a new place and seeing the landscape change. Confiding in someone and having them listen to you. Intellectual and deep conversations. Concerts. Unity when tragedy strikes the world. Love. Being in love. Being in a great big lake and floating on your back and closing your eyes. MUSIC. A GOOD ASS PLAYLIST FOR ANY OCCASION. EMPHASIS ON LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE. There's so much more of any of y'all wanna discuss messaging works lmao SONG LAST SANG - Love Potion °9 by i forgot TIME YOU WOKE UP – 10:30 am UNDERWEAR – none cus I'm in my pj's VACATION DESTINATION? – I'm trying to get to Quebec this summer but I love traveling in general. I'd honestly go anywhere WORST HABIT – picking and peeling the whites of my nails off and probably being messy when it comes to my room YOUR FAVORITE FOOD – I LOOOOVE SPAGHETTI AND JUST PASTA IN GENERAL ZODIAC – Leo BOLD tag ~ listen, a bitch is tired so I'm just gonna put yesses next to them if they apply cus I'm still on my phone and I don't think I can bold anything → appearance: I I am 5′7″ or taller- yes 5'8" I I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo i have at least one piercing - yes, my ears i have brown eyes i have short hair my abs are at least somewhat defined- i have a couple bumps near the top but they're not totally "defined" i have or have had braces -yes I hated them  There is something I would change about the way I look - yes I'm trying to get my hair cut into layers soon → personality: I My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff - gryffindor af (lowkey used to be in ravenclaw but it's a long story and now I'm in gryffindor) Ravenclaw Slytherin  I am an introvert  i like/love meeting new people - yes yes yes people tell me that i’m funny - maybe, but it's mostly me telling myself  i enjoy physical challenges -sometimes i enjoy mental challenges -It depends  i’m playfully rude with people i know well - yes but I try not to be too mean  i started saying something ironically and now i can’t stop saying it - yes its awful someone help  There is something I would change about my personality -yup → ability: I I can sing well  i can play an instrument  i can do over 30 pushups without stopping i’m a fast runner - I guess??? i can draw well - i have sketches all over the place  i have a good memory  I’m good at doing math in my head  i can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I can hold my breath for 9 hours i have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling  i know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch i know how to throw a proper punch - yes thanks to my brother → hobbies: I i enjoy playing sports - yes i love playing soccer and baseball and volleyball and just being active  I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else i have learned a new song in the past week i work out at least once a week - I try to i’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months - yes cus volleyball kept me in pretty good shape and now that's over idk what else to do with myself  i have drawn something in the past month i enjoy writing - yes and the best gift you could give me is a journal Fandoms are my #1 passion i do or have done martial arts → experiences: I i have had my first kiss - yes i have had alcohol - yes i have scored the winning goal in a sports game - yes I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting i have been at an overnight event -yes i have been in a taxi  I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I should've added hospitals to the list of things I'm afraid of, but thankfully no i haven't been to the ER lately I have beaten a video game in one day i have visited another country - Canada ig?? i have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts - One Direction yo → relationship: I I’m in a relationship  i have a celebrity crush - basically any cute actor but it always comes back to Leo DiCaprio  I have a crush on someone I know  i have been in at least 3 relationships  I have never been in a relationship i have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them  I get crushes easily - same as what Emily said, i get infatuated but i don't get crushes super easily. But if i like you i god damn like you A LOT I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year  i have had feelings for a friend → my life: I i have at least one person i consider a “best friend” - hey gilli and Teags (and my follege besties OF COURSE) where you at  i live close to my school my parents are still together -yep i have at least one sibling - yes i live in the united states -yes There is snow right now where I live i have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month - I hung out with friends in the past two days actually  i have a smartphone - yes it's what I'm using to painstakingly type all this out on  I have at least 15 CDs  I share my room with someone → random shit: I i have breakdanced  i know a person named jamie  I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce  i have dyed my hair i’m listening to one song on repeat right now  i have punched someone in the past week i know someone who has gone to jail -yes but I can't say who I have broken a bone  I have eaten a waffle today  i know what i want to do with my life - mostly, I just hope it all works out i speak at least 2 languages fluently - IM FUCKING TRYING. IM TRYING SO DAMN HARD. IMMA GET THERE SERIOUSLY IF YOU ARE A NATIVE FRENCH SPEAKER HIT ME UP!!!!!  i have made a new friend in the past year - @ All the friends I made at college you're all the bomb Okay so now imma tag @squiinty and @plurth and @natsukashiiii I legit copied and pasted @yixingding 's post and re-wrote everything (iPhone probs) and it's now 4:05 am lol but this was fun my Leo ass loves talking about myself so I invite literally anybody to do this too and THANK YOU EM&M FOR TAGGING ME ITS SO FUNNY I SAW THIS AT LIKE 3:30 IN THE MORNING I MISS YOU BOO

#tag #French #literally tagging french cus I'm serious about the french thing

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bpdmagic · 7 years ago

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sorry i need to vent for like a sec about how much my life sucks right now just ignore it i guess or read it and feel better about your life

since leaving college in may i’ve

- been dumped and gained 30+ pounds i literally want to just starve myself like i did when i was really depressed in college but i live with my dad and his fucking terrible wife and the tiny ass dog that terrorizes my cat so i cant

- i also cant starve myself because i work full time (40 hrs a week which i know may not seem like a lot but its my first time having a full time job) fucking chasing around 2-3 year olds at a daycare (many of which have behavioral problems). most of the people here are not friendly, unhappy and underpaid. i dont make enough to live on my own and

- because i work with small children i have been sick since i started working in september. i had a sinus infection a few weeks ago (right before christmas) and had to miss 3 days and pay $50 to see urgent care. i am now sick again with a fever but i dont know if its another infection i have to go spend another $50 to find out i hate this job you do so much and no one appreciates it.

- i havent had sex or been in a relationship in 8+ months which is a fucking nightmare for me because ive always been that girl with a long term boyfriend (i know big fucking deal vanessa, no one cares ok but ive been diagnosed with bpd and while im not actively trying to physically hurt/kill myself anymore, i still have symptoms and if you dont know anything about bpd sometimes it makes you seek emotional support from someone because you never really got it growing up)

- i completely ghosted my therapist and stopped taking all the antidepressants i was on back in may so i dont know what the fuck is going on with my mental health ive just been suppressing everything and have random outbursts at the dentist like a normal person, right? my family is super against medication and keep telling me “its great you got off it, its bad for you and makes you gain weight”

- its been 8 months since i graduated and im not sure how/when im going to graduate school or how/when im going to find another job and people keep asking me about my future and i just have to blindly accept that everythings going to be okay.

- im at a point in my life where im just so tired of dating and pretending to be interested in someone who has nothing in common with you. like yes looks and attraction are important but i mostly want someone i can genuinely enjoy spending time with. and i thought maybe i had found someone like that through some means other than the internet and my friend decides to be a shady bitch about it and ask him out SOLELY because i told her i was interested (and does this regularly to her other friends but theres nothing i can do about it because you cant change people like that) and he flat out rejects me. while im fucking sick in bed with a fever. not to mention winter is super fucking depressing and seasonal depression is a very real thing but i usually had someone to spend it with. new years was horrible because i was surrounded by couples. NOT TO MENTION the very real fear of never being able to fall in love with someone ever again because the only time ive ever felt real love i was in an abusive relationship that i literally keep coming back to and has ruined all of the relationships after it.

- ive been feeling shitty since leaving school tbh but ive been trying so hard to distract myself with conventions and making costumes, playing video games, seeing friends whenever i can but now i dont want to see them anymore because of this whole ordeal so.

- i guess im basically having ANOTHER quarter life crisis because i now have a bachelors degree from an esteemed college and i thought id be somewhere better by now.. and im 22 and i feel like time is running out. there are so many people in their 20s that are either married, with kids, or highly successful doing what they love...

- finally, ive been switching addresses like crazy and dont have a place to live because my mom rented our house to just genuinely BAD PEOPLE she found on craigslist who have overstayed their welcome for 8+ months and have stopped paying my mom rent and theres nothing she can do about it. so ive been sleeping on a fold out couch for 8+ months at my dads. ive never stayed with him this long and clearly my stepmom doesnt like that because she literally gave us both the silent treatment for FIVE FUCKING MONTHS. and i guess she pitied us or started to feel lonely or sorry because of the holidays and my dad being sick so theyre better now but i am still very angry at her and want to leave as soon as possible.

i literally had a mental breakdown at the dentist on tuesday. i guess the bottom filling and the huge needle in my face was the last straw (i have a bad fear of needles, ive had to be pinned down before at the doctors and cry almost every time im confronted with them). i couldnt stop crying but i went through with it and now ive had a fever since then so idk man. to take the edge off i started a free trial for netflix and started watching black mirror after watching a couple of eps at a friends house but no one said there were a lot of potentially triggering things in the show such as self harm and suicide so :-) ive stopped watching cus ive found myself having thoughts but yeah i love being rejected woooo its probably because im fat now gr8 i love it

#my life sucks #dont read this for your sake friends #tw suicide #tw self harm #dw im fine just dont want to trigger anyone else #tw weight

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