#maybe its just all phalanges that are weird lookin

[camphorcapstan]

Yiling Laozu bunny ^-^

[aka-indulgence]

Take Me by the Hand

So I wanted to post this on valentines (it’s not exactly valentine-themed, I just wanted to put something out hjdsk), but decided it was better to post now -w- this is a little fluff fic for @yeosin-n!! She has a really cool au called underwaves, and of course she makes just wonderful wonderful stuff and i love them all- and then its an undertale au!!!! in the ocean!!!!! ahdjkshd I kinda instantly fell in love with it... and UW Sans (Naut) as well, so uh!! Here’s a fluffy self-indulgent fanfic!!

Naut (UW!Sans)/Reader :D!!

"heheh, ya look like a big duck, darlin'."

  You try not to make a frustrated noise at him (lord knows he's already having WAY too much fun with you) and choose to simply mumble to yourself quietly as you take step by heavy step towards the innocently splashing waves, as if taunting your predicament.

  "I'd appreciate some help right about now, I could do without the remarks." You snap (softly) at him as you waddle your way over the sand, your heavy diving equipment jostling a little with every step.

  Naut had been helpful enough to put all the weight on you, and you wanted no more than to strangle the grin off the bastard's face.

  He's lucky you're dating him and love him too much to do that.

  Naut only chuckles for a bit, in your face, and you're about to throw your flippers at him when his laughs finally die down.

  "sorry, sorry," Naut lets a few more chuckles out as he wipes the "tears" away from his top set of eyesockets.

  You could swear you saw his lower eyelights turned into hearts for a second…

  "couldn't help myself. ya sure are a cutie," he says, and you would've made a sound of indignation if you didn't see the flowers happily popping into existence near the hole in his skull, floating down as if a slow waterfall was carrying it.

  You're the one with the happy little flowers, you want to tease, but at the same time, you didn’t want him to hide it. It was cute and pretty, you loved seeing him happy and relaxed.

  Without realizing what he's trying to do, Naut's already by your side, going behind your back. Before you could ask him what he's doing, you make a "hup-!?" Noise when he hoists your tank up.

  "better?"

  He was.. helping you carry your equipment.

  "Y-yeah!" You startle (you're not sure why, but the fact that he's actually helping you makes you feel.. sentimental).

  "ok then, let's keep going,"

  With the help of Naut, the journey to the water’s edge wasn’t as painful as it was when you started trudging down the sand, and you eventually got about chest-deep in the water.

  Naut let go of your tank, keeping you steady while you fit your dive boots into the open heel flippers. You fit your mask onto your face, and Naut starts drifting into deeper waters, now bobbing in the waves (how do skeletons float…? Of course he came from the ocean but… it’s like he has invisible floaties on!). He snrks a little. You make a face at him (well, as much of a face you could make with a mask covering half your face).

  “What?”

  “heheh… nothing. ya just… ya kinda look like a fish? with the goggles…” He makes two C-shapes with his phalanges, bringing them up to his sockets. “oh glowing waves above, i just wanna pinch you.”

  “H-hey! Stay focused!” you fluster, holding your hands out to him as if he was going to bite you. 

  Naut chuckles. “yeah, you’re right… i can always pinch ya later.” he teases, and before you could protest more, he gestures with his hand. “ok, check your second stage first, and let’s swim slowly…”

  You give the purge button of your second stage a couple of times, before attaching it to your mouth, floating towards your sea-lover. You release the air from your BCD, and Naut takes you by the hand, gently guiding you into the water.

  Everything feels different as soon as you are completely submerged, the sounds around you switching from air to water; your surroundings turning blue in an instant. For a few moments, you can only hear the sound of your breathing, the bubbles burbling around you.

  “you doing ok?” Naut’s voice snaps you out of your momentary awe, sounding practically as clear as he does outside the water. “don’t forget to equalize the pressure in your ears.”

  The sand slopes down, and you tilt your head this way and that, giving Naut the ok signal when you think you’re good.

  He’s dropped his teasing and playing around as he slowly brings you away from the surface; you vaguely feel like someone with a blindfold on while someone else’s pulling you somewhere to show you a surprise. He has to keep looking behind him to make sure he doesn’t run into corals or sharks or whatever.

  Your world completely changes around you- not that you’ve never seen ocean scapes before, but actually being in it to see it for yourself sure is a special experience. You see your first fish, catching your eye as it darts away from below you. The sandy bottom keeps going down, and down, and down….

  … Until eventually, you reach a spot where it stops, turning into a plain of sand.

  Naut sits down- just, sits down on the sand, and it's so weird how he just so casually sits, legs apart below you, underwater. He tugs you a bit, pointing to the sand.

  You descend, knees hitting the sand with a soft ‘pwsh’... your hands inadvertently fall onto Naut’s ribcage.

  You see all four of his eyelights looking down, then lighting up, and you have no idea if he can see you blushing underwater-

  But thankfully, Naut knows to set his priorities straight, and right now it’s making sure your diving goes smoothly and safely.

  “good?”

  For a second, seeing Naut completely at home in this environment, you nod your head without thinking- shaking your head before giving him the ok sign.

  His grin grows and he laughs.

  Damn. Even underwater he still sounds smooth as hell…

  “heheheh… ok, bubbles. let’s get started then, shall we?”

  After about a minute of buoyancy practice, Naut kicked off the sand with his slippers (how did they stay on his feet under- you know what? Maybe you shouldn’t question the physics of underwater monsters so much), letting you follow him in your own pace.

  Not too far from the water’s edge, corals started sprouting out from the sand, and no longer than that, more sea life appeared. A rainbow of fish were milling about, shrimp and crabs skitter over the ‘living rocks’, and a sea turtle lazily swims by.

  Naut easily backpedals towards it, and it circles around him.

  Your eyes are taking in the underwater scene all around you with splendor; if you could smile, you would. It was all just so pretty, and your boyfriend’s over there becoming some sort of disney princess, as a few cleaner fish swim towards his skull. You don’t need to hold in your laughter on account of the regulator in your mouth, but your metaphorical smile gets bigger as you watch the tiny striped fish look around his crack while he’s completely unaware… he looks like he’s about to say something when his eyelights go out, as one of them starts nibbling.

  He flaps his hand like he’s swatting a fly away, and maybe you’re being tortured right now because you just want to let out a raucous laugh, purposefully shoving it in his face.

  “oh, of course, you’re entertained.” Naut lids his sockets a little, feigning annoyance, though the cute little flowers only continue to flow out of his skull.

  You want to gesture a “sorry (not sorry)” at him, but without knowing sign language, the most you could do is open your hands for a hug. He’s been wonderfully non-teasing the whole way down, and you think he deserves some credit, especially showing you… all of this.

  You’re thinking about how thankful you are to have him with you when you see his eyelights dart somewhere else with his grin turning mischievous. He points to the turtle still swimming nearby and asks “hey, what kind of turtle do you think that green sea turtle is?”

  … What.

  You blink at him a couple of times, trying to convey your “what kind of question” emotion you’re feeling right now, knowing he’s smart enough to realize what he just said-

  “hahahah, i’m joking i’m joking, i know it’s Chelonia mydas. c’mon, i’m no loggerhead.”

  w-

  …

  Loggerhead. Loggerhead sea turtle.

  …

  You raise your fist at him, and you hope he could hear your internal screaming at him. Looking at the way his sockets crinkle and his grin practically stretching from non-existent ear to ear, you think he can.

The dive was relaxing and pleasant, with Naut completely in his element, giving you the reassurance that you’ll be alright with him. He brought you to different parts of the reef, highlighting some of the animals similarly as to how he addressed the sea turtle.

  He brought you swimming closer to the seafloor, showing you clownfish in their stinging friend-homes, and with a straight face he said, “keep your friends close,” he put a ‘friendly’ arm around the carnivorous invertebrate, “keep your anemones closer.”

  You swam away from him then, closer to whee the sand starts sloping again. You met a singular jellyfish there, to which Naut poked away from you- it could just fit in your palms. You watch with mild glee as he gently poked it around… you know it’s a living creature… but wow did you want to bounce it and play around with it like a toy. He moved it away from you and sent it bobbing in the direction of the open ocean, and he turned to you to say “are you jelly you didn’t get to play with it?”

  You wanted nothing more than to show him a flat face, if you were brave enough to take the regulator off your mouth. You followed him back towards the reef, swimming through a large school of fish that parted as you did.

  “how you feeling seastar? i’m feeling fin-tastic.”

  He turned around to gesture at the school. “aren’t they like living artwork? so beautiful. i like to consider myself sofishticated, you know.”

  You almost couldn’t focus on the reef around you as you were both delighted and desperately trying to hide it from him, that you’re enjoying a diving buddy/instructor that could talk to you as you dive.

  You swam leisurely ahead of him, looking for more “landmarks” (sea… marks…?) to look at before you run out of gas, when you heard a rush of water behind you.

  You almost let the regulator out of your mouth when you see a huge eel flapping about near you, with Naut holding its tail end and keeping it from coming at you. He reeled it in towards him, holding its head.

  “don’t know what got into this guy. maybe your fins surprised him.”

  He goes silent for a while.

  “but i guess thaaat’s a moray for you.”

  Old jokes!!! He’s too much!!!

  You wished you could’ve said something to him so you weren’t simply being subjected to his continuous puns, but at that point it looked like you might just get that; when you saw that your pressure gauge showed less than 100.

  Naut quickly looked to you when you made a wave at him, giving him a 9-0 signal, trying to convey an “up?” as best you can.

  “oh. oh yeah let’s get you up, bubbles.” He said as he swam towards you.

  It was like- he had a switch for professional diving instructor and ‘regular Naut’. He quietly guided your ascent, slowly and steadily, making a stop below the surface to decompress, before finally swimming all the way to the surface and inflating your BCD.

  “Blah!” you ungracefully spit the regulator out, letting it sink into the water and take the mask off your face. “My teeth always feel weird afterwards…”

  “cus’ you’re clenching it all the time.” he floats towards you, putting an arm around you. “how you feeling, gull friend?”

  You open your mouth, only to stop when you realized what he said- as if on time, a seagull keows above you.

  You give him your best attempt at a seething glare, but you take a breath and smile, putting an arm around him as well. “You know what? That was really nice. I haven’t had this much fun in a while. … or really, I didn’t do that much before I met you. I liked this, Naut. Thanks for taking me out here with you.”

  You watch with satisfaction as Naut’s lazy expression and smug-ass grin fade away, his main sockets becoming wide and a light blush colors his cheekbones.

  Ha, gottem.

  “o-oh. you- yeah. i… you're welcome. anything for you, seastar. i’m glad you liked it.” his eyelights shift away from you.

  “Yeah… though not gonna lie, you really were a sun of a beach down there. Punning when you know I can’t say anything to you- it was like, water you doing!”

  “ha, yeah i know, it was-” Naut paused. And then he turned to you, seeing how smug and proud you looked of yourself.

  You watched how his eyelights dilated in his sockets, sparkling like sun rays dancing in the water.

  “heh… heheheh….” he chortled, “oh… don’t be mad now… it’s not a good idea to get too tide down to your emotions.”

  “Well- high tide or low tide, I’ll be by your side.”

  “better make sure you weren’t pier-pressured into that.”

  “Nah. I’m a girl who just wants some sun with my bonefriend!”

  He was smiling like a downright lovable idiot right now, eyelights shining like the sun.

  “hhhhoooh my god, i want to kiss you.”

  You give him a smirk.

  “Oh! So you’re feeling… naut-y?”

  Your grin weakens a little when Naut stops grinning, and his eyelights shrinking back to their regular sizes, shimmering. For a moment you worry if you said something wrong somehow, but your worry was unfounded- just moments later you watch as cute little hearts start coming out of his skull, with four of his eyelights turning into the same shape.

  “i don’t know why kissing’s naut-y, but it’s in my name-ture to be.”

  You’re smiling just as wide as him, ignoring how far he had to reach to make that pun. He closes his eyes and you let him lean in towards you, meeting him in the middle. He wraps his arms around you and kisses you while you reciprocate happily; bobbing in the waves under the sun.

[detectivejigsawpines]

The Next Adventure

The Pines twins wind up in the afterlife-and not one they were expecting, either.

Here it is, folks-the weird crossover that nobody asked for, but that you’re getting anyway!  (Hint: you don’t necessarily need to have watched Pixar’s Coco to understand this, but it helps.)

Enjoy.

Ford opened his eyes and found that he was standing in the middle of a bridge made of glowing orange flower petals, with walking, talking skeletons passing him by.

This was extremely different from his situation the last time his eyes were open, so for a moment he just stood there, nonplussed.

The skeletons took no notice of him, except to step around him with the occasional “Excuse me.”  Some of them were in groups, but most were walking in ones or twos; when he took a closer look at them, he saw that they still had eyes set in their sockets, and brightly colored markings decorated their skulls-calaveras, yes, that was the word.  And most of them were speaking Spanish, or heavily accented English.

It was like no world he’d ever been to, that was for sure; and he’d been to some pretty crazy worlds.  What was worrying was that he couldn’t even tell how he’d gotten here, or why.

In an effort to clear his head, Ford looked down at the bridge, wondering how such a thing was possible, and if there was some structure underneath all the petals to keep it together (though considering the number of things he’d seen in his long life that defied the laws of physics, you’d think nothing would surprise him anymore)-and let out a small yell when he saw his hands.

Namely, the fact that they were all bone.

No, really.  Six phalanges attached to six metacarpals and eight carpals, without any skin or muscle covering them but still staying together for no apparent reason.  And, upon rolling up his sleeve, he saw that yes, his arm was all bone too, and then that his turtleneck was hanging so loosely on him now because underneath there was just a spinal cord and a ribcage.

Ford gingerly poked at the space where his stomach used to be, and realized he could reach all the way to his spinal cord.  While fascinating, it was a little disturbing that it was happening to his own body. Especially if it meant what he thought it meant.

With a slow, sickening clarity, Ford realized that Bill had been telling the truth about what would happen when he was ninety-two, after all.  But it didn’t explain where he was, or why he was a walking skeleton now. Because he knew there were some cultures who believed in that kind of afterlife, but his family had never-

“FORD!!!!”

********

Before he could consider the matter further, he was crashed into and sent flying.

Even though they were both much lighter on their feet now (he didn’t see his attacker’s face, but he would have recognized that voice anywhere) because they were all bone, he was knocked right into the petals by his brother’s tackle-hug.

As he blinked and struggled to collect himself (literally-he thought one of his feet might have become detached from his ankle upon impact, and was grateful that he still had his boots on), he realized that Stanley was babbling excitedly in his earhole, without seeing any apparent need to release him; in his excitement he sounded a lot like Mabel.

“Holy Moses I missed you so much, I’m sorry you’re dead but I’m glad ya finally got here, knucklehead!  You’re gonna love this place, there’s all kindsa cool nerd stuff to look at and lots of food and-”

“Stanley, can you let me up, please?  I think we’re starting to sink.”

Maybe it was just his imagination, but it felt like the petals were shuffling and closing around them.

Stan let out an annoyed huff, and growled, “I’m not tryin’ to leave, ya stupid thing!  I just wanted ta tell my brother hello, that okay with you?”

“Stanley,” Ford reminded him in a tone filled with fond scolding.

He felt his brother’s now equally-bony arms unwind from him a little, allowing Ford to push both of them up into a sitting position-where he promptly pulled Stanley into a tight hug of his own.

“I missed you too,” he whispered, closing his eyes and squeezing him so tight that if he’d needed to breathe, he couldn’t have in that moment.

They sat that way until someone coughed behind them.  Ford glanced over Stan’s shoulder, and saw two skeletons dressed like security guards standing there, looking a little uncomfortable.

“Um, sirs, would you mind moving off the bridge?  You’re causing a hold-up.”

Ford turned his head the other way (amazing; if he wanted to, he could probably turn it all the way around like an owl), and saw that some of his fellow travelers were standing in a cluster, watching them.  Several of them were saying “Awwww!” for some strange reason, and one appeared to have been buried with her phone, because she was using it to take photos.

If he’d still had skin, he would have started blushing.

“They can wait!” Stan said petulantly, not letting go of Ford.  “They’re not gettin' any deader, are they?”

“We’re sorry, officers,” Ford apologized, accompanying the sentence with an elbow jab into Stan’s side, and began pulling them both up; Stan grumbled but didn’t resist.  Once they were on their feet though, Ford stopped and held his twin by the shoulders so he could finally get a good look at him.

Despite his being just a bag of bones now, Ford recognized his brother with little trouble.  The same eyes, the same red beanie he’d acquired after surrendering the fez to Soos, the same wide huckster’s grin that he’d been missing.  His clothes hung more loosely on him now, though; had the circumstances been different, Ford might have joked about that diet and exercise regimen he’d tried to get Stan into finally paying off.  As for his face, the skull was decorated with its own calavera markings, in blue and gold-the blue ones were shaped like ocean waves, and the gold mini versions of the fish symbol that had been on his fez.  It made the scientist wonder what his own skull looked like. He wondered if he should be disturbed that that train of thought wasn’t disturbing him.

Then Ford remembered why they’d stood up in the first place, and released Stanley so they could keep moving.

********

They followed the security guards across the bridge towards what looked a bit like a train station during rush hour.

“Apparently it’s a lot more crowded during Dia de los Muertos,” Stan commented.

However, there was still a line of people at the gate labelled “Arrivals.”

When they reached the line, the security guards left them to attend to business elsewhere.

Stanley looked him over, eyes practically aglow.

“You’re lookin’ good,” he said finally.  “Way too healthy to be here, heh heh.”

Ford rolled his eyes, and said, “I didn’t know this was the afterlife everyone got.  I thought it was just for people from Mexican culture.”

Stan’s laugh sounded a little nervous or uncertain this time.

“Yeah, about that…”

Before he could give what Ford was sure was about to be a very unusual explanation, they reached the front of the line, where a pretty (as can best be judged of a skeleton) young woman in a blue uniform greeted them with a bright, beaming smile.

“You finally got him back!” she said to Stan, sounding genuinely happy.

Stan nodded.  “Yeah, about time.”  He glanced at Ford. “This is Carmela.”

Carmela turned to Ford, still beaming.  “It’s been years since I’ve seen twins so glad to see each other again!  It’s wonderful that you made it-we couldn’t even get him to leave the bridge when he first got here!”

Ford blinked.  “Wait, what?”

Stan, he saw out of the corner of his eye, had suddenly become very interested in examining his shoes.

The arrival agent put her hand on her hip.  “When he arrived and we told him that we had no way of knowing when you would be here, he just sat down by the gates, right over there, and said, ‘That’s okay, I’ll wait.’”  She shook her head in a way that was meant to imply exasperation but didn’t fit with her still-upturned mouth. “And he didn’t move an inch until he finally saw you on the bridge, not for love or money.  We were worried that he wouldn’t even leave for Dia de Muertos if you weren’t here by then.”

Ford turned to his brother with a scolding look.  “Stanley!”

“What?!” he demanded, jaw clenching in defiance.  “It’s not like I had somewhere ta be!”

He was still trying to come up with a good comeback to that, when Carmela said, “Sign here, please,” and held out a paper.

Ford looked down at it-and blinked in bewilderment.

“...I think there’s been some kind of a mistake,” he said.  “This lists us as being part of a...Ramirez family?”

“No, it’s correct,” she assured him.

Ford turned towards Stan and glared at him sternly.  “Explanation. Now.”

“Soos,” Stan replied.

********

“...Soos?”

“Yeah.  He put our photos on his ofrenda, so that makes us part of his family according to these jokers.”  Stan rubbed the back of his neck with one bony hand, and did that uncertain laugh again. “Crazy kid, huh?”

This time Ford couldn’t speak because he was feeling a lump suddenly grow in the memory of his throat.  He’d known, of course, how devoted the former handyman was to Stanley, but he had never thought the same sentiment applied to him.

Slowly he took the pen from Carmela and, after reading over the paper just in case to make sure he wasn’t signing anything he might regret later, he scrawled his name on the dotted line.

“Thank you,” she said, taking it.  “Señora Alzamirano should be here any moment to bring you to your new home.”

“Soos’s grandma,” Stan clarified.

“Yes, I vaguely remember her.  Very...imperturbable woman.”

And together they walked through the gates.