#maybe it’s the (relatively) limited choices of brush and stuff that keeps me from getting overwhelmed like w procreate

[lavender-rroses]

back with more

still riptide this time but now with some OCs :-)

[loulougoingsolo]

Mac n Cheese Has No Limit?

Mac n Cheese is not something we eat regularly here in Finland. Our go-to macaroni based comfort food is macaroni casserole, which you can buy at every grocery store big and small. Sadly, the ready-made version contains minced meat, so if I want to eat macaroni casserole, I need to make it from scratch (and I sometimes do). But mac n cheese, that I've only made once, and although it appears to be the comfort food of choice for many people, for me, personally, it was too much cheese. In other words, my mac n cheese limit wasn't hard to find.

But what if you add mac n cheese to another dish? At what point is it too much for an average palate, such as those of Mythical crew members? Let's find out!

So, this time on GMM, Rhett and Link must try to figure out which of the four panelists, Layne, Chris, Emily or David, taps out first, as the mac n cheesy mash ups get stranger each round. Whoever knows /guesses how their employees behave, wins "a sexy set of six mac abs" whatever that means.

Before the first round, the panelists all look rather happy to be there!

In the first round, things are still relatively normal, as the first dish to test the limits is buffalo wings with a man cheese crust. Link predicts Chris is the one to tap out in this round, because he seems like a guy who prefers wings without bones. But no, Chris doesn't mind bones. And I can't believe Link just said Chris likes bones with a straight face. Link, no! (Please tell me he had a chicken crumb in his teeth, and that was all.)

Well, nobody tapped out. Moving on!

In the second round, mac n cheese has been turned into jello. I think the mac is interfering with the jiggle a bit, and as pretty as this creation looks there is no way someone could enjoy eating it. Well, Layne seems to be the only one with a normal palate, and she gives up. And because both Rhett and Link assume this is too much for Chris, they are now both at -2 points.

Isn't there a rule about not mixing fish and cheese? Well, according to the majority of folks eating the mac n cheese tuna sushi roll in the third round, that rule is not carved in stone. Emily, David and Rhett are into this creation, for Link the most problematic part is the seaweed, not so much the macaroni and cheese, but Chris is struggling, and taps out. Link seems to have a system, because he has guessed Chris for the third time, and even a broken clock is correct twice a day.

In the fourth round, Josh serves everyone their very own ball of haggis n mac n cheese. I have no idea what haggis tastes like, or if it really is as bad as it sounds (I assume it's not, since people continue to eat it), but I find the sight of the unopened blobs somehow very aesthetically pleasing. They are so uniform, and smooth. The insides, however...Well, Emily taps out without even tasting the stuff, and David somehow keeps his cool and even takes another bite.

Although there was only one correct guess in the whole game, there is a winner, and for once, it's Link! And when it comes to mac n cheese, according to Lindsay Lohan, limit's not a thing...there's no limit...the limit does not exist!

In More, Rhett and Link continue with the cheesy theme, and play pictionary with melted cheese and string cheese brushes.

Pictionary is one of my favourite games, and I would gladly watch the guys play it even with a pen and paper, but the cheese does add another layer to the whole thing. A layer of cheese, that is.

After Rhett's accurate depiction of the seahorse, who doesn't discriminate, with a birthday hat, Link draws Guy Fieri playing the flute, and I think he does a very good job. You'd think it would be the toughest part of this round to recognize Guy Fieri from a cheesy stick figure, but no, Rhett gets that part right immediately. It's the flute that takes a while to figure out, but he gets there eventually. (But there doesn't seem to be a scoring system, or a time limit in this game, so take all the time you need.)

At this point, Link gets his prize for winning the game in the main episode. I love how he says he could put noodles on his own abs. I'm sure he could, actually, and he would. He probably already has. Why do I feel Rhett wanted to see Link put that thing under his shirt, and when Link didn't he was a bit disappointed?

(That thing is too realistic, though. Every time Link turned to draw, I forgot he was still wearing it, and I freaked out a little when he turned back to face the cameras. 😂)

I say this with nothing but love for him, but Rhett isn't very good at this game. Instead of continuing to draw, he resorts to hand gestures, trying to explain a snow cone, and I almost started to think he's purposefully guessing everything but the correct answers. Or, he's too distracted by Link's fake abs to think about anything but boobies and racks. 😳

Link trying to guess which voluptuous Rhett is trying to draw is absolutely hilarious, and also proves his knowledge of ladies with big butts focuses on the ones with actual talents instead of just a butt. But he gets to a Kardashian eventually, "the Kim one". Rhett trying to warn Link to be careful when he starts to draw what Kim is riding on results in an immediate response from Link: "Kim's butt is oozing..." #nofilterlink

I have to say, Rhett's emu did look a lot like Mike Wazowski. The fact Link found the correct species of big bird in the end is enough reason to celebrate. Maybe with some mac n cheese, or a pasta dish of your choice!

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

*chucks this to the starving lions* Can I get, uhhh… you interested in some dabihawks intimacy over burns? (2k+ words) ( AO3 )

Hawks lacks his trademark energy. His movements, be them his quirky little leg bounce or a mundane lift of a hand, have become sluggish- that is, if he even bothers moving. Everything about him screams exhaustion, even after almost two weeks of being off duty. Forcing himself to get outside makes Dabi think the hero crazy for two entirely new reasons.

First, he’s everything but suited to walk the streets like this, with restricted mobility that’s just begging for some nosy assholes to tail him. Especially nowadays. He also could have become easy prey to petty villains in the first shady alley, as there’s no way in hell that he can use his left wing for anything but sending out some warped or puny feathers. Considering the cotton pads lining his neck and that his upper body is still covered in bandages under the tee, two sizes too big, this is also not subject to change for a while. There’s one additional pad on his left cheek, likely hiding the spot of a particularly nasty blister. And this mess here had the nerve to ask for a meetup and sneak out to this infection-ridden hole, but let's not even go there.

No, there's a bigger issue. The other reason Hawks is a madman… the thing that ties an unswallowable knot in Dabi’s stomach, and makes him reconsider coming for the umpteenth time, and legitimately uncomfortable… is that the gauze on the other's body is hiding second, if not third degree burns that he himself had inflicted, under circumstances he’d rather not even think of.

Once it becomes obvious that he won't be the one to initiate, Hawks’ familiar voice rings with forced bravado. “What’s with the long face? You look even deader than usual,” he chides the villain. It almost sounds like there wasn't a rotting elephant carcass in the room. Almost.

There's no answer he can muster. He’s just staring vacantly at the left side of the other’s face. A silent thought notes how the hero's hair grows about as fast as his feathers do after being shaved. Or burned. He made all those passive-aggressive jokes in the beginning, about what high quality kindling Hawks would make if set ablaze. And he really does burn so fast… so easily.

He should have ignored the message altogether.

Hawks sighs; his scowl softens and the tired smile disappears without a trace. No point in waltzing around the metaphorical bush, is there. “See… this is why I wanted to come. Because I figured your punk ass would wax emo over it. She's safe and sound, isn't she? And I'll just have to deal with it. It’s for doing the same damn heroic thing you keep chewing me out on, after all. Can’t help not make dumb decisions? Then let them bite you in the ass! So it did, you were right! Congrats. Not that it’s a big deal, though. This shit’s always been part of my job description.”

He cannot find it in himself to give an edge to the words, or get any snarkier with Dabi right now. The incident had some really bad timing. Things… had already been changing between them, for better or worse. Dabi’s painfully aware of this, too. As for Hawks…

It's hard to forget what it looks like. The way a man's blind rage and murderous intent change to the frantic panic and horror of a child at the drop of a hat… What seeing it feels like, as your left side is set on fire in real time, feeling a thousand-degree hand print itself into your flesh in slow motion, before it’s yanked away as if it had been charred by something burning even hotter inside you. What Dabi’s voice sounds like when in distress, calling out for someone he cared for, thinking he hurt them. Then the change to a faint moment of immense relief in those haunting eyes as your body goes into shock, before giving way to some kind of indescribable emotion that’s the bastard child of those preceding it, and more.

Dabi blinks, eyes still fixated over the rose-laced, ghastly pale patchwork on Hawks’ tan skin. That's a job description he wouldn't have to worry about if he had been given a choice, the idiot. First, he was mad at him that he would intervene. But… if Hawks hadn’t been there, and jumped in between a few minutes later, he---

“It's weird and creepy to have you staring at me like this, you know? The world didn't quite end, but aren't there some news which you should be raving about…? There's chaos and distrust all over the place, people are suspicious of everything labelled hero… they even got rid of that flaming pile of garbage to save some face, didn't they? I'm having it nice with the second guesses around my alignment and inactivity, to be honest… Slipping from the top ten while also being hospitalized makes you have time for yourself! Who would have thought?” It won’t stay like this. No, no… his name is just clean enough from every available angle that both the populace and the Commission trust him and in his return. Latter will want to get him battle ready as soon as possible, right after screaming their heads off at him. He’ll get a message next week, tops. He’s almost happy to oblige, though…

“I’ve been wanting some me time for a while now, but, how should I put it... now that I got my wish… I feel like shit, and can’t do shit that I’d like to do. Karma, bitch- I’m sitting in my room all day, with no idea how to pass time, haha!” No learning to play the guitar, gardening, or how to bake brownies. He can't even take a proper shower with all the bandages and his left shoulder being as stiff as a board. There's only his body, pulsating with slowly rising, light fever, and the numb existence after taking one of those potent painkillers before the aching starts all over again. He usually cannot even remember what happens in the series he ends up watching. It’s frustrating as all hell, and killing his ADHD-plagued ass whenever he has the energy to do something. He would have gone crazy if even his right hand had been off-limits.

If not for Hawks, he would have...

The blonde’s eyes flicker to his aching side as his fake smile returns, and he lifts a hand over the bandages covering his neck. The fingers look mangled under thick layers of shedding, dead skin; the rest, still hidden from view. “The model gig is off the table, too, I guess. They are planning to patch my face up once my wings and joints are salvaged, from what I could gather. Not that it’s a priority, though.” There’s a pause. “I also caught up with my feed, and some ‘fans’ just up and left after getting a little sunburn, too… like, seriously!? That’s just mean,” he moans with thinly veiled disappointment. He exhales with closed eyes and the barely-smile, fingers lingering at the edges of the exposed burns. The expression sticks for a moment.

He would have… burned his mother.

Dabi steps closer, reaching up to Hawks’ face, then barely touches his wounded cheek. This prompts the other to open his eyes again, with light surprise, confusion, and perhaps wariness reflecting in them. “It’s high time those little snots reevaluated their tastes,” Dabi speaks up at last, brushing the back of his fingers over the sensitive skin. He never gave a flying fuck about pretty faces, but… “You never looked better.”

To anybody else, this would sound like a dig… which, it kind of is. But Hawks can read and hear the subtext, which is to say, mild disdain and genuine gratitude. It’s… something else, though. Basically being told that he’s the most beautiful he’s ever been. It’s doing funny things to him inside- it’s beyond great to feel something after the days spent as a walking vegetable. Those fingers are, ironically, also nice and cool against his aching skin, but all of this is getting a little too much to handle at once.

Intended or not, it worms an involuntary (and rather painful), real smile out of Hawks. “Wow… gross.”

He’d be amused at the answer already, but the smile is what gives Dabi whiplash, cracking the uneasiness boulder the size of a truck sitting on his chest and sending him straight to cloud nine. Which is not something that he wants right now, goddammit.

And he would backpedal on the spot, because this backfired really bad, but Hawks has already placed his marred hand over his, and is reaching up with his other one, too. The relatively undamaged right is placed over his bare arm and traces over the scarred-up skin.

“… Does it still hurt a lot?” Hawks asks then, examining the burns meticulously; the texture sends a small chill down his spine, forcing all remaining hair on his body to stand.

He lost sleep over thinking about this. It’s a little embarrassing… thinking about whether Dabi’s wounds hurt as much as his do, all of the time. Or how he took the news. Last thing he kind of remembers before waking up to numb aches is getting an ice layer cast over him by the youngest Todoroki, and all he knew after finally catching up on the news was that the villain managed to escape and was MIA. Honestly… he had just been worried and thinking about Dabi a lot.

… Okay, it’s very embarrassing. And alarming.

“Can’t feel much where it's like that,” he admits. Where gentle fingers run over dead skin, there's a ghost of a presence that the surviving nerves deep below give notice of. A hint of warmth, maybe. Nothing more. “Not now, nor when the stuff cracks and bleeds. What will hurt… are these spots,” he guides the man’s hand up to the staples over his wrist, then takes the same hand and rubs lazy circles over a healed-up spot. “Dead and live skin don’t get along well. They get pulled apart easily, especially if you are still growing… and shit swells and tears when you are not careful. But you’ve already seen that happen to me.” Having finished the vaguely educational monologue, he looks Hawks in the eyes. “It’s also bold of you to waltz into a cesspool like this one. The plague eats roast meat for breakfast, and I hear chicken’s his favourite.”

The last line revives the smile before it could fade, and he looks back at Dabi, too. “Aww, worried~?”

“Nah,” the villain replies with the corners of his mouth also creeping upwards. Hawks’ dulled senses don’t even register that he’s already in his face until it’s too late; “The plague is me.”

The kiss is tender, and lasts only a second or two; before the hero knows it, it’s already over. He blinks first, trying to decide whether he just hallucinated this under the influence of drugs, or it was a real-ass thing that just happened… then hides his mouth behind his free hand with a blushing face.

“… that was totally uncalled for,” he mumbles, trying not to sound whiny, while also trying his best to look as angry as possible. It’s entirely futile as he can’t get rid of the fully grown, shit eating grin, though. “I’m still running a fever, you know. This is not helping.”

Burning face and heart aside, a part of him feels bad about this. Even if nobody asked Dabi to do this. It’s as if he was using the situation for selfish gains.

“In that case, get your sorry ass back to the hospital or whatever, little phoenix,” Dabi purrs, giving another kiss on his temples once Hawks manages to look at him again. The villain lets go of the hand at last, but stays close, staring into the other’s eyes for a moment.

There it is again. That ‘more’ he saw in them back then. It’s stupid, yes… but Hawks would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy basking in the glint that’s so foreign to those eyes.

He doesn’t get much time to enjoy himself, as Dabi’s lips are already curling into an impish smile; “Then, once you resurrect from those ashes… maybe we could run a fever together, hmm?”

Hawks spends the next minutes cursing softly from behind both hands as his ears start burning up, too... and Dabi just laughs, not caring for the blood leaking from his face.

***

*old HDD processing noises* not that I’m particularly happy with it, but yeah, I think this is the first kiss I’ve ever written. hell, those may be even the first vaguely suggestive lines that are meant to be taken seriously that I’ve ever written. Hide yo wives, and hide yo husbands, this is the beginning, I’m going hog wild y’all

ps admit it… the half-assed summary had your expectations fooled

[motorsportclubofottawa]

Words: Omar E. #550 Points: Naresh D. #27 Photos: Richard D. #30 & Naresh D. #27

.xls – Final 2017 Autocross Championship Points

As another autocross season wraps up, we sit and reflect on what is … or what could have been. History becomes etched into stone, as the top drivers reap the fruits of their accomplishments. Sponsorship deals and fancy stickers aside, the progression as drivers is what keeps us coming back for more. Victory…an intoxicant that arouses the mind with new possibilities, new limits, new direction and new bank accounts. Let us begin.

Women’s Cup

MCO autocross was blessed to have many more women lace up the race boots in pursuit of the women’s cup title.   Leading the way was the pride of Derbyshire, Kathleen I. displaying her fighting irish roots.  The soft-spoken doctor used some Italian spice in her recipe for victory taking top spot honours amongst the ladies, not to mention her class. 

Women’s Champion – Kathleen I.

It all came together for Natalie “dry beard? coconut oil will gitter’ done” F. piloting the “Green Mile” miata.  Improving step by step was the order of the day for this future Hollywood stylist.  Ms. Facette locked up second place gathering a whopping 6380.92 points…excellent work!

Women’s Cup – 2nd Place – Natalie F.

The final podium position went to Eva “I can’t believe this is legal!” G.  In her second season of competition, Eva kept it together taking in as much experience as possible from every event.  Well it paid off! Eva takes third place amongst the ladies with a points total of 6235.46.

Women’s Cup – 3rd Place – Eva G.

Sidenote: This year, MCO made a concerted effort to  attract more women to our sport and our community, including a Women’s Track Day and a presence at the Women’s Show this past spring. We were ecstatic to have even more female participation than we did during last season’s high-water mark. If you know a woman who loves being behind the wheel, you owe it to her to get her out to Lot 9. 

Rookie Cup

An injection of new drivers is important for the future of autocross. We have been fortunate to have many rookies make an impact quickly as they develop their driving skills and contribute to the success of the series. For this year, top spot amongst the rookies goes to none other than Gerard B.! The Focus ST driver almost won his class but came up a tad short. Despite that, Gerard still walks away with the Rookie of the year title.

Runners up, and husband and wife duo, Scott and Heather M., put down some very respectable times. Scott in the Mini Countrymen managed to amass 6552.55 points while Heather in the Mini Cooper S managed 5075.38 points at the season’s end.

Rookie Cup – 2nd Place – Scott M.

Rookie Cup – 3rd Place – Heather M.

Class Champions

A Class

A class saw a new champ take over as the battle in the “souped up” segment heated up at the end of season.   As has always been the case, the amazing Kevin S. was dominant all year long utilizing all the Fong S2300 had to offer.  The humble Swiss native didn’t really concern himself with podiums and accolades.  It’s all about the driving!  And drive he did!!  MCO’s Stig completed the season with 6840.79 points to take first overall in the class. 

A Class – 1st Place – Kevin S.

Next up was the S2300’s pimp, Steven F.  Also in the S2300, Mr. Fong locked up second accumulating 6689.31 points.  When Mr. Fong was asked about the secret to his success he simply said “I just do whatever…”  Well that is some superb feedback, I’ll wait for the e-book.  Rounding out the top three was Naresh Dibs and Ginger for the most part. 

A Class – 2nd Place – Steve F.

Naresh really only shows up to autocross to sing karaoke…maybe do some driving.  Now in retirement mode, the prolific autocross manager pumped out 6637.18 points all while managing an autocross series…this is a testament to Naresh’s commitment to the series and it’s participants.  Awesome work my friend!

A Class – 3rd Place – Naresh D.

B Class

It was a season long war between Aaron Z and the Wolf.  Both competitors utilizing different styles of the same weaponry and sometimes at the request of fans, they would exchanges weapons between themselves and try them out against each other.   Such is the nature of autocross.  At curtain close it was Aaron Z who held off a menacing attack by the Wolfpack managing 6981.28 points.  That’s good for top spot and class champ bragging rights!!

B Class – 1st Place – Aaron Z.

Not the slightest bit concerned with where he finished, the Wolf takes second with 6970.33 points.  Colin was the only podium winner who competed in every event…He is…the autocross ironman!  Well, Well, Ralf was right…new tires change the game. 

B Class – 2nd Place – Colin W.

Taking third place was your write up guy, Omar “Don’t be an angry Arab and smile already!” E. in his esteemed Omaro.  This culturally dynamic mismatch shows what can be done when differences are put aside grudgingly.  When approached for an interview, representatives from Team Omaro declined to comment and gave me a look that suggested that I was invading their intimate space.  Tallied points for Team Omaro totalled 6541.38. Hurray.

B Class – 3rd Place – Omar E.

C Class

Mr. Kevin S. shows up for a second tour of accolades this time in C class.  On his crusade to dominance, the quiet Kanata resident selected Goldie as the tool of choice as he decimated the competition by obtaining the maximum number of points possible, a whopping 7000!

C Class – 1st Place – Kevin S.

Cameron W. in the “Chariot of Fire” took away second place from course design connaisseur, Mike S..  For the Brockville resident, wearing matching socks had everything to do with his 6831.52 points tally.  Looks like the new suspension setup did its job for Team Cameroooon!

C Class – 2nd Place – Cameron W.

Everything came together at the last event for Mike S. driving the “Green Mile” miata where he was able to lock down top spot.   Suffering from an autocross obsession like many of us, Mike spent hours, if not days designing and mapping course layout after course layout all season long.  The contemporary solo 2 course design artist rounds out the top three for the season with a points total of 6814.51.

C Class – 3rd Place – Mike S.

D Class

Mr. Slow played his underdog card all season long.  Silently counting his first place stickers in the dark, the questionably certified bean counter needed a general ledger to keep track of his victories.  Michael Carroll Shelby, also known to the autocross secret service as the “silver fox” made it rain with the help of his most trusted ally, the silver bullet.   Together, they utilized the power of perception to sway the public into thinking they were nothing to worry about…”I’m just a frail old man driving puny insignificant powerless girly car…what impact could I possibly have” he would exclaim.  So one by one, they brushed him off buying into the image and feeling relatively optimistic about their chances.  But the wise fox knew the truth…and with a simple “click” of the bullet’s seat belt buckle triggered the rise of the autocross Goliath from within…”Say hello to my leettle friend…RE71 ARRRRRRRRRR…”.  The poor dejected competitors never saw it coming resulting in their…decimation.  Hitting less than a handful of cones throughout the season, the silver fox asserted his dominance racking up 6977.20 taking top spot in class.    

D Class – 1st Place – Michael C.

Well played Michael, …well played!  Known to many as the “suspension fiddler”, Mr. Brodey “Michelle, It’s damping, not dampening” D. certainly made his case in the Italian stallion.  Constantly adjusting the Abarth to the point where it will have an identity crisis, Brodey was persistent in his search for that extra tenth.  His work has paid off as he gobbles up second place overall with a points total of 6906.89.

D Class – 2nd Place – Brodey D.

Third place overall went to Colin F. in the FRS.  The silent semi-pro course chalker is becoming somewhat of a legend with his consistent driving.  Colin and Co. continued on their winning trajectory gathering a stellar 6846.66 points.

D Class – 3rd Place – Colin F.

E Class

A first-time class champion has risen from the ranks.  Mademoiselle Kathleen I. in her Abarth was dominant early on and kept it that way until her last event.  Confident she had won her class, the good doctor decided to go on holidays missing that last few events.  It didn’t matter, as “the medicine woman” found a way to victory amassing 6959.72 points. 

E Class – 1st Place – Kathleen I.

Hot on her heels though was the “newb” Gerard B. in the Focus ST.  Mr. Butler sure made things interesting finishing in first place in the last four events.  Sadly for Gerard, that would not be enough as he settles for second place overall managing 6908.15 points.  This will make for an interesting battle in the upcoming autocross season. 

E Class – 2nd Place – Gerard B.

Another new guy managed his way onto the podium showing us that half the battle is showing up!  John “H2O” W. in the Volvo machine was a pillar of driving consistency.  Running what he brung, the S60 held it down long enough for this tandem to take third place collecting 6319.35 points.

E Class – 3rd Place – John W.

Overall Champion

This year’s overall autocross season champion is…Kevin “I’ve run out of things to say about you” S.  Kevin competed in two classes and managed to win both of them.  On a couple of occasions Kevin came close to beating a formula car using a street legal car.  Impressive stuff! Congrats Kevin!

Before we leave you, we’d like to thank our amazing 2017 sponsors who have made this past season truly memorable. Please consider supporting these fantastic local businesses. After all, they support you and your passion:

Title Sponsor

Platinum Sponsor

Gold Sponsors

Silver Sponsor

  2017 Autocross Championship Results Words: Omar E. #550 Points: Naresh D. #27 Photos: Richard D. #30 & Naresh D. #27…

[eridianshores-blog]

Yes, I Just Sat Through Sharknado 4

Look, I know these movies are supposed to be ridiculous as shit, but I firmly believe that Sharknado: The 4th Awakens is the death knell for the once watchably-schlocky series.

None of these movies are worth scholarly, comprehensive criticism, but the phenomenon of “so-bad-it’s-good” versus “just plain bad” is worth examining.  See, the first film was pretty much like any other high concept SyFy film; yeah it was dumb and unapologetic, but it still basically tried to be a film.  Even though it became this massive “hit,” I think what a lot of people fail to realize is that it was made like any other P.O.S. SyFy movie.  I mean there’s nothing wrong with liking Mega Python vs. Gatoroid or Mansquito but let’s be honest about what they are - high concept schlock made on a shoestring budget.  And that’s all Sharknado was.  Why did it catch on?  It’s hard to say.  

My thought is that it was simply seen by enough people.  All it takes nowadays for something to go viral is a tweet or two from the right influential people, and boom, instant exposure.  It’s very possible these days for a single tweet or like or share to be the difference between “just another random piece of internet fodder” and “next big thing (for 15 minutes - or less).”

Popularity points aside, there are plenty of B-movies better than Sharknado.  It does have a few things going for it though.  The acting, while uneven, isn’t completely awful and the most cringeworthy parts seem to be the result of an unnatural script rather than a failure of acting talent.  Another plus is that it attempts to take itself somewhat seriously.  It’s stupid, but also shameless.  And let me be clear, when it comes to low budget film making, there is a difference between between being fun and shameless, and then being outright self-deprecating.  As the series wears on, it pokes fun at itself with reckless abandon and gets a little too comfortable with the self-referential shit.  What’s worse is that it never really breaks any new ground behind the “sharks falling from the sky” concept, nor does it use its newfound fame to do something like hire a better scriptwriter or spring for some help in the FX department.

Getting back to what specifically makes The 4th Awakens such a travesty captured on celluloid, let’s take a quick look at the plethora of “-nados” featured.  Actually, it might’ve been sortta cool if they’d spent more than 2 seconds on them:

SHARKNADO

SANDSHARKNADO

BOULDERNADO

OILNADO

FIRENADO

LIGHTNING-NADO

LAVANADO

HAILNADO

COWNADO

NUEKNADO

I mean...I just...fuck.

Tommy Davidson plays some kind of corporate mogul science guy in the most annoying way possible, and all the while the film vacillates between portraying him as a sketchy businessman and a courageous do-gooder.  It’s confusing.  Plus he delivers one of the worst lines of the movie.  His advisers are telling him about how the current technology won’t work on he new “-nados” and he blurts out, “We just need a solution!”  Well no shit, Sherlock.   Then someone says some goofy shit like, “we could try adding more isotopes to the base” and he’s all like, “yeah, you go with that” in a tone that reads somewhere between facetiousness and incredulity.  The guy flits and screams in every scene he’s in like some kind of black Adam Sandler.

In the first flick, maybe even the first 2, the actors did a reasonable job of “interacting” with the green screen.  Maybe it’s because the “action” scenes were less ridiculous (hard to believe anything in Sharknado could be described as “less ridiculous” than anything else...), or maybe it’s because they just got lazy...I don’t know.  

Tara Reid - man, how far has she fallen? - delivers another atrocious line; while using her new cyborg powers to save a kid from a car, she claims to be “Iron Man’s wife” in order to comfort the kid and get him to run and find his mom.  First of all, what does being “Iron Man’s wife” have to do with getting the kid to run away and find his mom?  Secondly, where the hell did this line even come from?  It’s just goofy.  It’d be different if a joke - or even a bad joke - followed, but no, it’s just all, “I’m Iron Man’s wife, go find your mommy.”  It’s WEIRD.

Oh and Gilbert Gottfried ups the annoyance factor for good measure...to quote the first film’s tagline, “’nuff said.”

I’ve seen plenty of films from the Asylum (the production company responsible for this type of stuff), but never have I see one with such an inability to properly convey perspective.  We get a long shot of one of the various “-nados,” then our characters standing around with some wind blowing, and all of sudden they’re right next to the damn thing.  It makes very little sense.  I know we can basically chalk it up to the poor FX and CGI, but they could do a better job with the establishing shots.  Also, it can take these ‘nados 15 minutes to move 200 feet or 5 minutes to cut through 4 states.  I’m not even sure what the point is in switching locations every scene.

There is a lot of terrible dialog in the movie - among the worst I’ve ever heard in something proclaiming to be a feature film - but perhaps even more sickening is the film’s heavy-handed and absolutely pointless insertion of references to other films.

Example 1:  Being a horror nut, I found this one particularly egregious.  It actually starts off somewhat subtle and tasteful.  The gang is in Texas (they just magically hop around the country, popping up hundreds of miles away in a matter of minutes) and find themselves in need of a chainsaw.  (I’m not sure why the chainsaw became such a staple of the series; from the get-go it seemed to be directly ripping off Evil Dead’s blatant fascination with the device, and the deal was sealed when April (Reid) had her hand severed and then got some kinda mini-chainsaw robo-attachment.)  So anyway, they end up at a chainsaw shop...in Texas...run by Dog the Bounty Hunter (remember that weird-ass Hulk Hogan-Paul Hogan wannabe?) and some crazy woman.  She makes a comment about how their relative “Gunnar” uses a specific chainsaw to scare off neighborhood children.  Cut to a quick shot of Gunnar to reveal a burly, surly guy with a face etched out of granite.  Now if they’d ended the reference there, I might’ve even gone so far as to call it “clever.”  But no.

Don’t get it?  That’s ok.  References are supposed to be oblique.  I mean it doesn’t really count when they beat you over the head with it.  And that’s exactly what Sharknado 4 proceeds to do.  To explain the original reference, I’m sure most of you have heard of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the main villain, Leatherface.  Although not as well-known as Robert Englund or even Kane Hodder, big horror buffs will know the actor Gunnar Hansen as the actor who played Leatherface in the original 1974 film.  See?  At this point it was a well structured reference.  But...

The whole family ends up outside cutting up sharks with chainsaws while our main character goes and gets in a ditch-digger (it’s supposed to look like a giant chainsaw).  Dog (the Bounty Hunter) shouts, “the saw is family!” in the most unconvincing manner possible, and then the crazy woman goes, “it wouldn’t be Texas...without a chainsaw massacre!”  Ugh.  Infuckingcredible.

Example 2:  This is a crossover which leads into a reference.  Our crew meets up with some guy from SyFy’s Lavalantula movie who gives them a car named “Christine.”  Of course the giveaway (before the name drop) is painfully obvious as the quintessentially 50′s car rolls up playing quintessentially 50′s pop music, you know, those wistful teen tragedy songs.  The guest character makes all these comments about “she knows where to go” and “she’ll know how to find him later,” So what does all this business of the “living car” lead up to?  Nothing.  Literally nothing.  The world’s largest ball of twine is chasing them, but since it’s “coming too fast,” the guy stops the car, everyone gets one, and they all start running...because that’s how you outrun a massive ball of twine propelled by a tornado.  POINTLESS.

Example 3:  Here we have 3 references to the same movie.  Team goes into a house in Kansas, gets picked up by a Sharknado, and travels all the way to Chicago without someone even so much as having a brush with a shark.  Anyway, the house lands on the bitchy major, and we then see her legs, complete with striped socks and red shoes, just before her toes curl up.  Was the major even wearing this shit?  Also, the storm picks up some “yellow bricks” and then trops them, and Fin tells everyone to “follow the yellow brick road.  And then his kid’s all like, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore...”

More Examples:  There’s plenty more that are just stupid and out of place too.  April rescues Fin and says, “Come with me if you want to live.” (Terminator 2)  There’s a stupid, stupid “homage” to Baywatch where some chicks run in slow-mo before getting eaten.  Fin tells someone, “Don’t get cocky, kid.”  The kid pulls a mini-chainsaw out of a rock a la The Sword in the Stone.  Oh god, and then there’s a scene where April is testing out her cyborg features; her dad tells her to “use the force,” whereupon she produces a lightsaber blade from her wrist, and then says, “may the force be with you.”  What in the living hell.

I guess I could keep going on about the nonsensical choices of the characters (for example, they need a large body of water, so they pick the highly-dangerous Niagra Falls instead of like, one of the Great Lakes...or a fucking spot by the goddamn ocean), or the bad acting, or the exceedingly poor CGI, but I think it all boils down to the creative forces behind the film not giving a shit.  Instead of cutting corners due to budget concerns or other practical limitations, it was like they started cutting corners because they “needed” to make a “bad” movie.

Bottom line: this ship has sailed.  One of the things that even the worst movies have going for them is creative envelope pushing, but not here.  The gore has worn a little thin, and there’s only but so many times that it’s fun to watch sharks land on people or pull off these well-coordinated bites while zipping through the air.  The story is just an excuse to throw all these weird “shitnados” into the mix, and while they could’ve been interesting and posed some unique threats, for the most part they’re quickly glossed over.  The “nuclear sharks” are able to generate a few chuckles I suppose, as is Al Roker’s deadpan delivery of stuff like, “technically we saw a sand-sharknado.”  But overall it was just a sloppy, jumpy film that adds nothing to the series.  Besides, the only reason sharks were initially able to survive was because they were contained in waterspouts; there’s never any reason for how they stay alert and aggressive amid a dust devil, hailstorm, or flaming oil. But whatever.  I actually had a little fun watching the first two.  The third one was mildly irritating, but this fourth installment is just aggravating and insulting.

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