#maybe it’s my parents and their probable impending divorce! or maybe im just kinda fucked up!!

[petruchio]

because that’s the weird thing about my life now. like at this point i really do have it all. not in a conceited way but i do, i have my dream job, a great education, a cute apartment in a trendy neighborhood, tons of friends, im beautiful, im fun, everyone is either jealous of me or wants to be my best friend or go out with me. so that should feel good right?

and yet i feel so fundamentally empty at the end of every day. i think i’ve always just been a deeply lonely little girl. like no matter what i do, it’s never going to change. and idk if there’s any way to solve it because ultimately i think i’m always going to be filled with this deep, profound loneliness and nothing is ever going to change that no matter how many friends i have or events i go to or people i force to fall in love with me. i’m always going to be alone.

so what now? what is there left to do? the thing is i don’t know any more. i guess some part of me thought if i achieved all the things you’re supposed to achieve i would feel whole, or at least closer to feeling whole, or i’d figure out what comes next that could lead me closer to it. but instead i just feel even more misunderstood, even more alone, even more like i’m living someone else’s life but it’s also only my own. and i do all the right things; i journal, i go for daily walks, i have a regular sleep schedule, i eat healthy, i go on dates, i’ve even started doing creative projects again. and still it all feels so pointless, so empty, so meaningless.

i hate to be the stereotype of a kid who gets out of college and looks at the world and says, wait, is this it? but i still feel like there’s something i’m missing, some fundamental bone of empathy or friendship or understanding that just skipped me. i can’t explain why i’d always rather be alone than speak to anyone, i can’t understand why i still somehow hate myself when i know logically i’m doing everything right, when i know deep down i really do love myself and my own company. i do think i’m a good person, yet i can’t imagine anyone else genuinely thinking that about me. it’s strange.