#maybe ill still write something this month who knows haha

[wikiangela]

wintery fics

I posted one of these today already for fif, but I got tagged by @hippolotamus @spotsandsocks @hoodie-buck @jesuisici33 to share my christmas/wintery fics so why not lol (there's only three, I can never get around to finishing anything before the christmas mood wears off haha)

For a holiday (and forevermore) (95k, 30 chapters - completed, M)

Eddie's sick of personal, intrusive questions about his love life whenever he visits his family, so he starts bringing Buck for the holidays as his (fake) boyfriend. He only wants to shut them up, and doesn't expect that the small crush he has on his best friend could actually turn into something more...

it's not technically just Christmas, but there are 6 Christmas chapters, 2 New year's chapters, and lots of holidays and family gatherings in between haha - fluffy fake dating and lots of family feels

You're my greatest gift (2.6k, G)

Cookie dough, flour fight, and a long-time-coming kiss. Or, the Buckley-Diaz boys make Christmas cookies.

ngl I don't even remember this one but apparently it's from last year? lol idk probably lots of fluff haha

and the last one is sambucky from two years ago and I'm scared to open it and see how bad it is lmao

Merry Christmas (I love you) (2.6k)

Matching pjs, hot chocolate, and a Christmas movie marathon with the Wilsons - what more could Bucky want for Christmas?

no pressure tags: @daffi-990 @giddyupbuck @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @spagheddiediaz @housewifebuck @gayhoediaz @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @monsterrae1 @honestlydarkprincess @underwater-ninja-13 @eowon @exhuastedpigeon @weewootruck @loserdiaz @evanbegins @steadfastsaturnsrings @ladydorian05 @malewifediaz @pirrusstuff @theotherbuckley @911-on-abc @hoodie-buck @wildlife4life @fortheloveofbuddie @nmcggg @diazpatcher @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @thewolvesof1998 @lover-of-mine @hippolotamus @disasterbuckdiaz @jamespearce9-1-1

[brisquad-unit-4402]

IM LOSING IT OVER YOUR RECENT IKE FIC. LIKE OH MY GOD. its so sweet and heartwrenching i felt just as nervous and anxious as reader the entire time, and when ike reciprocated my heart MELTED AHHH his freckles!!! how kind and beautiful he is, and his confusion turning into acceptance and his SQUEALSSS AAAA. i cant take it this is my fav ike and probably luxiem fic of all time. all of your hard work paid off so well, it was so well structured and emotional and everyone felt so real!! like they arent characters, theyre actual people!!

ahh, now i wish i knew ike's perspective during those stream moments and his reaction to pen and paper ship content HAHA. i imagine he swiftly bookmarks it on his private account but he keeps blushing and his hands shake whenever he sees any fanart WAAAH. maybe one time he sees pen and paper kissing and he cant properly look at the notifications from reader's chat without FLUSHING RED i love them so bad

i love whenever i'm reading a fanfic and it's so sweetly emotional that you feel your own emotions kicking in. so whenever i hear my work has that effect on someone else it's one of the nicest feelings in the world and WHAT DO YOU MEAN FAVORITE IKE AND/OR LUXIEM FIC EVER. that's super high praise thank youuuuu sobsobsob

i mean this is the kindest most /posi way possible but "they aren't charcters, they're actual people" is the scariest compliment i've ever heard. like on one hand i'm genuinely happy! i worked really hard on keeping multifaceted personalities in mind even for the minor characters! but also Oh No. I'm Writing Vtubers. We Need To Play This So Carefully And So Conscious Of The Creator/Audience Boundary Or My Ass Is GONE

real talk one of my most favorite ike things is when he squeals at something cute or because he's embarrassed ahhhh. and his speaking voice gets so high pitched and soft when he's flustered too like?? it's probably my favorite charm point of his

the ogs remember the poll i ran like a month ago about if ike should have freckles or not. shoutout to the landslide victory, if i remember correctly 97% of voters wanted ike with freckles! so glad that worked out, it works so well with the star theme and the difference between an online friendship meeting irl, and how reader loves them because it's a reminder that they have so much to learn about ike and are ready/willing, and also, freckles are just plain adorable. ike is just plain adorable. put them together and if i were richer and thirstier i'd be commissioning an artist

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

real talk tho i feel like ike goes from 1 to 100 whenever he catches himself simping over reader before the off-collab. either he's really good at acting composed, being normal, just interacting with his best friend like best friends do... or he's a stuttering, blushy mess that wavers like jell-o.

ike's the type of guy to sleepily check twitter before going to bed and whenever he sees pen and paper on his fyp it's like he snaps awake. maybe even squeaks or goes "a!" if it's especially.... you know. sometimes he can't even comprehend that people want him and reader to. well. his mouth goes dry.

and then he feels so dirty and embarrassed just because it's there, but... he's still looking at it. is it bad he's still looking at it? it definitely is but it's captivating, in a way. somehow. the artists are so talented, and somehow they nail your body language to a t, and the way your hair swoops above your eyes, and draw you with the cutest little expressions, and—

ah, who is he kidding.

in moments of weakness it triggers something in him to bury his face a little deeper in his blankets, pretend the screen's light would cool the heat pooling over his cheeks, and search the hashtag himself.

not even three pieces of fanart later, he has to throw his phone face-down on the mattress, cover his blush with a pillow, and now he's definitely squealing. it's healing and it makes him ill. it's... pretty. you're pretty. and he's pretty dumb for letting a silly crush distort itself like this.

the worst part is that some of these line up a little too well with daydreams he wanted to lock away until the end of time. he likes when he takes the lead. the stunned, puppyish expression so rare it only shows up on your face during the biggest plot twists during a stream, but coated in a darkened blush as he pecks them on the cheek, elegant and composed. calm.

ohhhh, this can't be good for his heart. especially when ike himself is so red-faced just thinking of it. calm, his foot.

still with the pillow over his flush, ike feels around for his phone and sets it on his nightstand. he chides himself. that's enough internet for the day, eveland! now quit acting like a shoujo high schooler in love and go to bed already, it's not going to happen!

he sets his face into a determined frown as he lifts the pillow and sets it aside. with any luck, he'd go the rest of the night without thinking of reader and his feelings for them.

the frown eases as he nestles into his blankets and tucks himself in. soft sheets and warm comfort greet him as he shuts his eyes, and he enters the fluffy haze of sleep as he slips into dreamland...

...is what he'd like to say, but not even ten seconds later his eyes snap open and jerks upright in bed. wait, i'm acting like i'm in love?!

he sits with the thought seeping through his brain like a corrosive acid, filing through every little moment he daydreamed about you, and when those don't paint him a picture he likes, he tries to recall the moments he shared with you instead. those are even fonder, and even worse.

he slaps his hands over his face and sighs, and when it sounds lovesick he sighs even more.

✧. ┊ masterpost ✧. ┊ kofi

[mushpired]

I’m back! And with a new chapter! This one is shorter, but I still hope y’all will like it!

I had trouble writing this, but I still like how it came out.

The idea of the permanent or semi permanent tear tracks is from another account here on tumblr, but I can’t find it, when I do, I’ll tag them!

5 times someone thought that something was wrong with soap + 1 time they realized that’s just how soap is.

3. Alejandro

“He makes no sound when he walks”

When he told this to Rodolfo, he thought he was just being paranoid, after all, all soldier are trained to make as little sound as possible while on missions. Some get so used to it, that they don’t make sound while on base, or at home.

Los Vaqueros had arrived to the 141 base some days ago. Captain Price, Lieutenant Ghost, and sergeant Garrick had been there to greet them, but the other friendly sergeant was nowhere to be seen.

He didn’t pay it that much attention, but after days with no glimpses from the Scott, he decided to ask Captain Price.

“ Captain Price, it’s been a while since I’ve seen Sergeant soap, is he currently deployed?” he asked after all, the young man had been of great help during the Las Alma’s mission, I’m not seeing him was quite weird since he used to always be socializing with everyone.

“ Sergeant MacTavish is on break on base, he has been feeling ill since we came back from another base” captain price said, his eyes, revealing that a simple illness was not the whole truth to it, but who was Alejandro to pry on it? So he decided to ignore it, if the sergeant wasn’t feeling well, he wouldn’t bother him.

It wasn’t until night, that he would finally see the man, and it earned him a heart attack!

He was in the common room, simply making himself a tea, when he felt a cold shudder and a whisper that made shivers go down his spine

“Would ye make me a cup?” The sergeant spoke in a low voice

He jumped

“Hijo de las re mil putas! Dios, hermano que mierda?!” He got so scared that he didn’t bother switching languages. He turned quickly to keep on shouting at the other man, but the moment he saw him, he immediately disregarded the idea

The man was covered from head to toe. A hoodie that obviously wasn’t his fell to his mid thigh, paired with some ratty and worn sweatpants and a jacket that was simply draped over his shoulders. He looked like he hadn’t seen daylight in a month

“Sorry hermano, didn’t expect you to get so surprised…” Soap spoke, but his voice was all wrong, too low, too scratchy, as if he had been screaming for a week, and when he saw his face, he almost punched himself. His face was covered in tear tracks that looked like scars, as if he was a sculpture, and the tears had been carved on his skin. His eyes were red, contrasting the normally beautiful blue. He truly looked terrible

“Ah, don’t you worry brother, was my fault, was not paying attention” he tried to talk as usual, so to not make the other soldier feel bad

“Thanks, so… what about that cup of tea?” He said, a small grin on his face, and a tiny light in his eyes “actually, make it two”

“Huh? Two? I was already making one for myself”he asked, confused at the request

“I know, one for you, one for me, and one for Ghost. Sir, you gonna come out?”

And as if he hadn’t been scared enough for a night, the big form of the lieutenant appeared from the shadows of the doorway, making Alejandro think that maybe the whole 141 was crazy

“You okay Alejandro, you look like you have seen a ghost?” Said the sergeant, now with a shit eating grin

“Haha, sergeant, you think you are so funny” said the bigger man, his covered face saying nothing, but there was an amused shine in his eyes

Deciding that he didn’t get payed to deal with this, he focused on making tea for the three of them, and prayed that there wasn’t another hidden somewhere

He heard the lieutenant asking the other how he felt, how he had been, if he needed anything and thought, ‘was I that bad before confessing to Rudy?’

He laughed silently at that

When the tea was ready, and he left the common room and the lovebirds alone, he remembered

The sergeant hadn’t made any noise when he entered the room.

He hurried to tell his lover that.

@swiftwaterprawn , you asked me to tag you! So here it is! Hope it doesn’t disappoint.

[oukabarsburgblr]

PLSSS ramble about something interesting about your course, like I'm very invested as someone who sucks at math and chemistry, but also cuz word is that engineering is no joke so I'm curious about how you're handling that

But anyways, goodluck and stay safeee🫶🫶

Oh my u just allowed my nerd side to come out HAHAH TQ FOR ASKING 💋💋

Engineering is definitely not a course u can joke about as in if youre having doubts for taking engineering, immediately dropout or discuss w ur advisor/counsellor. As soon as u sunk urself into the field, you'll find yourself drowning if you arent able to keep up.

Applies to other fields as well but engineering is a pretty tight leeway education-wise. I can only yap about chemical engineering since thats the one im taking.

Backstory about my place of education: 1 semester equals to 4 months meaning 1 year have 3 semesters which is considered very fast since we have to cram assignments, two tests, multiple quiz and final exams for multiple subjects all in 3 months (1 month for sembreak). Its a very famous uni (if you know pls keep quiet and dont doxx me) and is known for producing top-notch engineers since its related to an engineering company so competition here is high and is very costly to pay (for subjects not food or hostel)

Foundation year i took : chemistry (1&2), physics (1&2), mathematics (1&2), moral/religion, english yada yada. Its just basic stuff and if u find urself struggling in this year, ure gonna die in the next.

First year, still covering basics of chemical engineering, still share same subjects as other courses such as engineering mathematics yada yada and minor subjects. Low amount of core subjects (2) for each sem

Second year (current), deep dive into chemical engineering, lots of lab stuff. Ive crystallized sum stuff hoho and i got a taste of what the industry is like

Supposedly after that during my third year i will be going for an internship and a final year (fourth year) where ill be making a fyp (final year project) and graduate!

Chemical engineering covers a lot of the engineering field. U can literally steal another course's job (except for computer and electrical) because the subjects that you're taking is very heavy and broad.

Hence, why chemical engineers are very sought after and why it is such a hard course to deliver.

Now from the subjects themselves, i would say CE covers a lot of chemistry, mathematics and physics. Biology is GONE. language you just gotta focus on ur wording for reports but theres also minor subjects to polish ur soft skills (professional communication skills, academic writing, work ethics, etc etc)

Can u believe i got a B+ for academic writing???💀 with the shit i wrote here HAHA maybe i deserved it.

Its quite a shocker since i score my core subjects really well until the minor ones come kick u in the ass.

Although i have to say that theres no use in having a flawless GPA if u have zero skills or achievement out of a test room. I have three clubs and joined 4 events so far. (I am tired of being the head of department for sponsorship) and am currently the vice president for my club etc etc. People will probably be interested in u for a bit if they find out u got 4 flat GPA but the second u show that u have an empty slate, goodbye.

As i said, competition in my uni is very high so i have never received an achievement in my department/university for like best student award or wtv. Kinda grinds on my inferiority complex ARGH

If ure not interested in chemistry nor mathematics, i really dont suggest u join engineering. Unless its electrical/computer.

Mechanical is hard too, covers a lot of physics but the most physic ish one is definitely civil engineering where you'll play w cement a lot.

If ure interested in chemistry but not engineering, try applied chemistry. You'll sit in a lab 24/7

U can definitely switch courses in my uni but its gonna be a waste of money since its very costly or a hassle to transfer credit so i suggest u talk with a professional regarding these things.

How i manage my studies, club activities, tumblr while maintaining a 3.89 GPA?

The week before a test, study. Two weeks before exam, study. The day before a quiz, study. Read thru lectures. Make notes from lectures. Do the example from lectures. Do tutorials from lectures. Do past year questions.

Every single one of my slide lectures i have rewritten in my notes. (My way of studying)

Club activities is a number two but its a great way for me to polish my leadership yada yada and its just a great way for me to peek into an office-work environment (my club is the university's support unit)

Tumblr- whenever im horny, i write that shit down on how a man would handle me and finger my ass. Today, i wrote two drafts and jerked off so hard my legs were shaking and i swore to never masturbate again.

Feel free to ask for more LMAO

[hannahbarberra162]

thank you so much for responding to me twice now!! im sorry im sending these in so frequently, I dont know how tumblr works but i hope that, even if you dont post a reply to this, (which btw you NEVER have to, please dont feel obligated), i honestly only want you to read the ask. (even then its okay if you dont lol), im a bit overenthusiastic about your work, if you couldn't tell haha 😓 (not that it doesn't deserve all the enthusiasm in the world!!- I just know I can ramble when something excites me.)  I'll try to space out my asks more as to not overwhelm you or anything. i  honesty would love to read whatever you have to offer, even if it's just posting little snippets. I feel bad requesting stuff, though, from what I've read you're probably a busy college student with enough on your plate! still, without making any specific requests, whatever you have to offer, ill eat up like it's my last meal!! id love to see your works on other chatacters! i honestly didn't even really care heavily for mihawk or shanks but you know damn well i ate up your works on them! and like i said, i dont even really know Marco besides your interpretation, (which are canon in my mind haha) and literally had to look up who thatch was. yet i STILL have enjoyed your writings with them to the point ive been up late wondering what happens next. whatever you write, ill enjoy! you just have such incredibly intriguing stories, i honestly have never been so hooked before. thank you so much for writing! i guessed that either Marco or Ace was your favorite, so im glad i was close with Ace! i had the same sort of question as i did with Marco, but I didn't wanna ask both in one message. kinda a 'why him', sorta thing, not that i dont get this one completely- ive seen him in action and i love ace too! But i wanna hear why YOU love him, how YOU see him, same as what i asked for Marco. you don't have to answer if you dont want to! i know ive already typed a lot, so ill cut myself off here!! thank you my goat!! 🐐 and thank you for my appreciation of the WBP!!

(I've also really enjoyed your jinbe work so far!! he's one of my favorites🌊)

@celine-zzz Don't be sorry!!! This made my day, my week, my month! I lose confidence a lot and reading things like this make me think it's worth it. Thank you so so so much for your praise!!!! I actually screenshot nice asks like these and reread them haha. Ask whatever you want!! I like interacting with other people!!! Talk to me all you want!!!

I don't mind getting requests, I just don't ask for them bc I don't know that I can fulfill what people want. But I'm always happy to try! Heat Transfer is actually based off a Nonnie ask and I spiraled from there.

And, ah, I'm quite a few years past my college days 🫠🫠🫠 I'm not sure if that's better or worse, but time comes for us all.

In truth I started writing characters I felt I had a better handle on. I find Ace to be the most relatable. I think he's the most like someone you could potentially meet, maybe other than Law. Someone who is confident and self loathing and insecure and smart and dumb and self assured and all of that wrapped in a cute bundle with freckles. I also find Ace easy to write because I do feel that I've met people like him in real life, so I think of the dumb shit they would do lol. He reminds me a lot of a few of my friends, maybe that's why I feel protective over him.

That isn't a very good answer, but in summary he's my bby and I want the best for him <3.

Jinbe is who I'd actually want to ship myself with (see self indulgent fic) and I'd most want to be friends with and spend the day with Usopp.

[riririnnnn]

Most of all, hello again! And before you ask, no, I'm not a telepath or a psychic. I mean, I was a psychic for a mini time to steal— I mean, make money fairly. :D

Back here again… I'm glad you've found some new hobbies and are doing other things! Of course, I'm also very sad when I see that you're stopping writing because maybe you feel like it's becoming more of an obligation than something cool that you're doing to share. I'm really feeling like a balance, I'm happy and sad because you really are one of the few creators of quotev that I like and you were also the one who gave me the starting point to start writing my Blue lock povs. <3

So what I'm really going to say here now as a young Brazilian who accidentally took a six bloody month psychology course is; Don't try too hard or force yourself to do something you no longer want to do. If that second one is the case then I just wait for a post like "It's over, I'm done writing, Bye and Lol."

And one more thing, I'm like air. You may not see me or smell me, but sometimes you hear me and feel me— :D

Ily, bye-bye darling.

—TJ. 🇧🇷

PS; Don't worry, I probably won't actually kill someone and I'm sorry about the accidental double ask.

Ah, well, I consider myself as a lawful good, but I don't mind the idea of, y'know, stealing money from the rich. Like, I don't condone the idea of stealing—that's a bad manner, but stealing from the rich? I understand that.

And you are scaring me now..

Like, be honest, do you have any special supernatural power? Do you have a camera in my room or something? 'cause how do you know that yes, writing indeed started to feel like an obligation to me—I lost the sparks—especially during those times when I, out of the blue, started to lose motivation to write.

You see, personally, I think the most important thing for a Fanfic writer is that you should have fun while writing! I mean, it's not a job, so you should enjoy it! And I've been living by this motto ever since I, myself, became a Fanfic writer.

But lately, I wasn't able to feel the same, y'know.

Whenever I do random things, I think of my books, the potential future plot and stuffs, and I always have this stupidly big smile on my face during the whole time—you might even think I'm mentally ill or something because I'm feeling that much of happiness!

However, you can say a couple of weeks to be completely honest, I wasn't able to feel the same joy, y'know, Instead of smiling and giggling like an idiot, I ended up frowning whenever I opened the books. My face used to be like: >:( It started to feel more like a chore of something, and I couldn't confess it truthfully until now because, well, haha, I thought it was very rude of me to say so.

I kinda don't have any idea why I started to feel this way, but I'm sure that the book Cliché had a pretty big hand behind this—I think I did vent about it to you some months ago (?).

I mean, it's very arrogant of me to say this, but I took (maybe take?) pride in the fact that I never suffer(ed) from writer's block and that my imagination power is very strong—ideas always keep flooding in my mind and story automatically formed on its own as I typed. However, I never realised that having so many ideas can also mean that they may not connect very well to eachother, y'know.

And that's exactly what happened while I was writing the book Cliché. I had abundance of ideas for the story to proceed, but they just didn't link up which frustrated me and, I guess, also damaged some of my ego.

I won't say I'm done with writing though :) I still like it a lot, and I'm, slowly, getting back into the track—it may take a while, I think.

Oops, I ranted a lot :p

Thank you so much! You are very, very sweet <3

Also, "You may not see me or smell me, but sometimes you hear me and feel me," hm? That's scary, hehe :p

And LMFAOOOO! Glad to know you won't actually kill someone, lol.

Take care <3333333333

Sending you lots of love!!

[bucklemonster2]

My Doppelganger (A Story) (Nederlands beneden)

My Doppelganger by Emilia Sameyn

29/04/2024

ENGLISH: (dutch below, nederlands beneden)

Apparently, I have a doppelganger. In fact I had two. So, you know what? I'm gonna tell you about my experiences with doppelgangers. First, in medieval times having a doppelganger was seen as an omen of death. I'm not sure what the logic is behind this. Are you seeing your future self from the 'de''ath realm'? Is it implying that your doppelganger is going to k''ill you and take your place? Anyway, I remember when I first saw someone's doppelganger, besides twins that is.

The first time I saw a doppelganger was when my grandma had recently died. Yet, I saw her,

riding a bus as if nothing ever happened, minding her own business. It was quite confusing, but logically I knew it was just an old woman looking like her. Then later in 2017, I was around 23, I was still living as a cismale (normal man), so I did not look particularly different. I remember a girl looking at me weirdly. She asked me if we knew each-other, and if I was from a certain college. I was a bit confused again, it turned out, she thought I was someone else. I had a doppelganger. Anyway, many years later, I slowly discovered I was a woman (or at least agender). Around 2021 I grew my hair, got bangs/ a fringe haircut and I also coloured my hair.

However sometimes people would honk at me, and wave as if they knew who I was, but I did not know them. I wondered is it because I'm trans, or look different with my coloured hair? In 2023 I went to a rock festival called Alcatraz. I did not stay long, I just wanted to see it,

feel the vibe. I had to admit the music was to loud sometimes, and I understand people complain if they still have loud music after 10 PM. Anyhow, again a girl stared at me,

as if she remembered me, but I did not remember her. Normally, I would have taken this opportunity to get to know someone new, but I must have felt tired, and I did not plan to stay that long. The signs were getting clear, but I was still oblivious.

So months later (actually a month or week ago from now). People honked at me again,

making rock-hand signs as if I was some sort of rock-star. I think I ignored it, I'm all for self-expression, but I hate people that honk without reason, being auti'stic as I am lol.

However the signs were there, do I have a doppelganger?

Anyway a week or so ago I went to a meeting with a bunch of people. I mentioned I'm an artist. I draw, paint, write and make music. I mean maybe my music is terrible, but I make it and I have fun making it. Someone asked if I performed live. I politely said no. I make music using my computer (composing and editing), and honestly I can't play music live, or it would at least sound like a drunk toddler playing with an electric piano.

The dude explained he saw someone that just looked like me, a rock star. Well, rock star, I'm not sure if that person is famous. I'm not even sure if that person is male or female. I look androgynous, and so do many rock artists. I should have asked who that singer was, but I somehow forgot. It was only later that all these little moments came back to me, forming one story. All these people honking and making "rock music hand gestures". No wonder they did this. I have a doppelganger rock star running around! Lol Even though I try to have a unique look, sometimes cute and pink, sometimes dark, (often casual out of comfort). Even though I'm trans and have my hair in 3 different colours. Somehow somebody still looks like me! haha!

PS: I'm not accusing anyone of faking me, or stealing my identity or something. I just happen to have a doppelganger, and therefore I am someone's doppelganger. Its a coincidence, a cionkydink.

--- --- --- --- --- ---

NEDERLANDS DUTCH

Mijn DubbelGanger door Emilia Sameyn 29/04/2024 Blijkbaar heb ik een dubbelganger. Sterker nog, ik had er twee. Dus ja, ik ga je vertellen over mijn ervaringen met dubbelgangers. Eerst werd het hebben van een dubbelganger in de middeleeuwen gezien als een voorteken van de dood. Ik weet niet zeker wat de logica hierachter is. Zie jij je toekomstige zelf vanuit het ''do'denrijk''? Impliceert het dat uw dubbelganger u gaat verm''oorden en uw plaats innemen? Hoe dan ook, ik weet nog dat ik voor het eerst iemands dubbelganger zag (afgezien van tweelingen). De eerste keer dat ik een dubbelganger zag, was toen mijn oma onlangs was overleden. Toch zag ik haar, in een bus rijden, alsof er nooit iets aan de hand was, en ze gewoon haar eigen ding deed. Het was behoorlijk verwarrend, maar logischerwijs wist ik dat het gewoon een oude vrouw was die op haar leek. Later in 2017, ik was ongeveer 23, leefde ik nog steeds als een cisman (een normale man), dus ik zag er niet bijzonder anders uit. Ik herinner me een meisje dat raar naar me keek. Ze vroeg of we elkaar kenden en of ik van een bepaald internaat kwam.

Ik was, opnieuw, een beetje in de war. Blijkbaar dacht ze dat ik iemand anders was.

Ik had een dubbelganger. Hoe dan ook, vele jaren later ontdekte ik langzaam dat ik een vrouw was (of in ieder geval agender). Rond 2021 heb ik mijn haar laten groeien, en mijn haar in een froufrou (bangs/fringe) laten knippen. Soms toeterden mensen naar mij en zwaaiden ze alsof zij wisten wie ik was, maar ik kende ze niet. Ik vroeg me af: komt dit doordat ik trans ben, of zie ik er anders uit met mijn gekleurd haar? In 2023 ging ik naar een rockfestival genaamd Alcatraz. Ik bleef niet lang, ik wilde het gewoon eens zien, de sfeer opsnuiven. Ik moet toegeven dat de muziek soms te luid was, en ik begrijp dat inwoners klagen als ze na 22.00 uur nog luide muziek horen. Hoe dan ook, opnieuw staarde een meisje naar mij, alsof ze zich mij herinnerde, maar ik herkende haar niet. Normaal gesproken zou ik van deze gelegenheid gebruik hebben gemaakt om een nieuw iemand te leren kennen, maar ik moet me moe hebben gevoeld en ik was niet van plan lang te blijven. De tekenen werden duidelijk, maar ik was me er nog steeds niet van bewust. Dus maanden later (eigenlijk een maand of week geleden vanaf nu). Mensen toeterden weer naar mij, ze maakten 'rock handgebaren' alsof ik een soort rockster was. Ik denk dat ik het genegeerd heb, ik ben er helemaal voor zelfexpressie, maar ik haat het als mensen toeteren zonder reden, ik ben dan ook een grote au''tist lol. Wat het ook was, de tekenen waren er: heb ik een dubbelganger? Hoe het ook zij, ongeveer een week geleden ging ik met een aantal mensen naar een meeting. Ik zei dat ik een kunstenaar ben. Ik teken, schilder, schrijf en maak muziek. Ik bedoel, misschien is mijn muziek verschrikkelijk, maar ik maak het en ik heb er plezier in.

Iemand vroeg of ik live optrad. Ik zei beleefd nee. Ik maak muziek met behulp van mijn computer (componeren en monteren), en eerlijk gezegd kan ik geen muziek live spelen, anders zou het op zijn minst klinken als een dronken peuter die op een gebroken elektrische piano speelt. De kerel legde uit dat hij iemand zag die precies op mij leek, een rockster. Nu ja, rockster, ik weet niet zeker of die persoon beroemd is. Ik weet niet eens zeker of die persoon man of vrouw is. Ik zie er androgyn uit, en dat geldt ook voor veel rockartiesten. Ik had moeten vragen wie die zanger was, maar op de een of andere manier was ik het vergeten. Pas later kwamen al deze kleine momenten bij me terug en vormden ze één verhaal. Al deze mensen toeterden en maakten "rockmuziek-gebaren". Geen wonder dat ze dit deden. Er loopt een dubbelganger-rockster rond! Lol Ook al probeer ik er uniek uit te zien, soms 'cute en roze', soms donker, (vaak casual uit comfort). Ook al ben ik trans en heb ik mijn haar in 3 verschillende kleuren. Op de één of andere manier lijkt iemand nog steeds op mij! haha! PS: Ik beschuldig niemand ervan mij te vervalsen, of mijn identiteit te stelen of zoiets. Ik heb toevallig een dubbelganger en daarom ben ik iemands dubbelganger. Het is toeval, een cionkydink.

[rachellaumbrella]

death

9/23/2024

I guess I made a tumblr to use as a diary, it seems like a lot people do. I would just journal but sometimes that doesn't always seem 100% private. I really don't know what to write either, I thought about writing about past life events. Maybe help myself work through stuff or unburden myself.. Ill write about my mom. She passed away in 2023. Actually 2 days after my 30th birthday. Shitty, I know. The last day I seen my mom was on my birthday, she would make whatever i wanted for dinner and always made me a cake. She wasn't feeling well because she had a cold & a ear ache, She kept asking if I was happy & okay cause she felt bad that she didn't feel well and felt like she didn't do enough. I was happy, I felt bad & even told her before if she wasn't feeling well, we can have my bday dinner another day. She insisted we still have it that day, looking back, I'm happy we did. The following day, her and my dad went grocery shopping. My bday was on Friday and she passed Sunday morning. So she went shopping Saturday, in case anyone is reading this & to better understand the timeline. On my bday, I told her I would be over Tuesday and if she still wasn't feeling well, I would take her to the doctor.

Back Story: My mom wasn't in poor health but she wasn't working due to having hip problems, making it difficult to walk around. She has always been in the service industry, either as a waitress or bartender. My mom has struggled with addiction to drugs and alcohol majority of her life, she got sober from drinking when i was in 3rd grade. She stayed sober for awhile but eventually began drinking again because like I said, she has always worked in bars & restaurants. Anyone who knows addiction, its not the best ide. a for a alcoholic to work in a bar. She never became sober from pain killers during this whole time, I didn't this till I was a adult. I'll get more into this another time. When she stopped working, I went over a lot during the day to keep her company and to drive her to doctor appointments or whatever she needed to do. In this time, I became closer to my mom than I ever had before. Due to her addiction, we didn't have much of a mother-daughter relationship or the one I wanted to have. I wasn't working at this time because I was taking care of my niece and nephew because my sister in law was struggling with her own issues at this time, again another story for another time.

Several months before her death, she had her hip replaced. The surgery went very well & her rehab was great. Due to insurance and her surgeon wanted to make sure she was in best shape for surgery, it took some time from the time she stopped working to having the surgery. Because it took so long, she was putting her weight on her other hip which wasn't already in the best of shape. After so much time, the doctor said basically, he couldn't even fit a hair in her hip joint, which means it was bone on bone. The week after my bday, we were going to the doctor to get the surgery scheduled for the other hip. My mom had her own mental health struggles through her life which led to self medicating and which lead to addiction. She was on several medications for mental health and she was on a drug for addiction opiates. She was on that for 10 years, maybe less. I don't think that's normal, I'm not a doctor so who am I to say, right? I think I'll write more about her addiction in another time. I think I'm getting side tracked haha.

So I have dinner with my family Friday for my birthday. Saturday, my parents go grocery shopping and spend the day at home. My bday is in January in Northwest Indiana so its very cold. My husband & I go to dinner Saturday night for my bday, he likes to do something just us for my bday plus it was my 30th so we went to a nice place. Sunday morning, I wake up, I don't feel right... Not like sick or anything just felt like something was off. I got up and went to lay on the couch and put on the TV. For some reason, which to this day I do not know why I left my cell phone on my nightstand. Which isn't something I normally do. I end up drifting back off to sleep and I woke to my husband talking, it sounded like he was just woken up. I heard him say my dads name so I sat up. He came out into the living room and handed me the phone. I don't remember if it was his phone or mine. I do recall looking at my phone after and seeing I had 8 missed calls from my dad. My phone was on silent so I never heard it. I never heard my dad scream and cry like that, he kept just saying, "she's dead Rachel, she's dead". It didn't register with me at the moment, I just looked at my husband and said, "I need to go, something is wrong with my mom". My husband already knew what was going on so we got our coats & left. I live about 30 minutes from my parents home. I don't remember the drive very much besides my aunt calling to see where I was. When I got there, there was so many cars there. My moms sisters(who live 45 minutes away) were there along with their husbands and one aunt brought her kids too. It was a lot to walk into. My dads brother & wife(my uncle & aunt) were also there. My dad wouldn't let the funeral home take my mom or move her until I got there. I was asked if I wanted to see her before they took her, I really didn't know how to answer or feel about it. I guess it took over a hour for anyone to show up and move her. So my mom was laying on the floor while everyone was showing up. The funeral home, was in the middle of putting her on a gunnery as I arrived. Like I said, all of this wasn't really registering with me or what happened or what was happening. I went to see my dad first and was stopped because they were taking my mom out, I turned around and seen my mom in a body bag. Then was asked if I wanted to see her or say bye before they took her. I didn't want to. I didn't see her. Which I think was for the best, I didn't want my last memory and seeing my mom for the final time in my childhood home was of her dead. My last memory was on my birthday, her alive giving me hugs, kisses, telling me "happy birthday", and asking if I was happy. Its bitter. I don't look forward to my birthday anymore. My mom passed in January of 2023, so as I write this, it been almost 2 years. That whole day was a lot. I was annoyed with my family for even being there. My moms sisters quit speaking to her for several years. They only recently started speaking again because my grandmother had to go into the hospital for a fall and the doctors said she couldn't live on her own anymore so we had to go through all her belongings and move her into assisted living. My mom was aware she wasn't the best sister to them due her addictions. She was trying to mend those relationship's at the time. I just wanted everyone gone so I can process all of it, My sister was on the phone the whole time, calling everyone to let them know what happened. My sister is much more social than I am. I barely use any social media, I don't post really anything about my life around 2 years or more. My dad was crying a lot and blamed himself for not getting up sooner, in his head, if he got up sooner, he would seen her on the ground and could of got her help.

My dad didn't want a autopsy done because he didn't want anyone to hurt her and cut her. I don't know what actually caused her death. If the death appears to be natural causes, the corner doesn't even take the body, you have to find a funeral home and have them come. Which I didn't know, you'd think there would be things in place so the family doesn't have to figure that out within moments of a loved one passing. I don't think her cold had much to do with her death. I just know it was natural causes, so it could be heart attack, stroke...I guess whatever is in the realm of natural causes. I was angry and so sad for such a long time because it wasn't fair, why would she pass right after my birthday... Just grief.

Her service was really nice. A lot more people showed up, way more than we expected and planned for. It was too overwhelming, I didn't want to talk to everyone and be asked what happened , I couldn't tell them. I just tried to avoid everyone as much as possible. I never thought about that before. I've been to more than my fair share of funerals before and it is just the worst, standing there & repeating the same things over & over to everyone who comes up to you. Its almost torture. The funeral home did a wonderful job and so helpful. My mom loved pajama sets. She liked to me comfortable and cute. We decided to put her in set of her favorite pajamas. She wore a pink long sleeve shirt and the pants were grey and pink. If you didn't knwo, you'd think she was just in a regular outfit. I don't know the correct name but the lady who dressed her and did the make up did a great job. Like I said, I've been to a lot of services and a lot of the time, the person doesn't look like them anymore. My mom looked like she was just asleep. I couldn't touch her. I never been able to touch anyone in a casket since I was a kid. The first time I did, the body was hard and cold. I didn't understand why the person felt that way. As I got older, I understand it but I just couldn't bring myself to hug & kiss my mom while she was in the casket. I don't know if that makes me a bad person or not.

[yakultii]

I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

[mardoufox21111]

awell well well i got the job thank god although i am not looking forward to it tbh haha i have to give 4 weeks notice if i want to quit, get paid a pittance and the reviews online say its a bad place to work. not really too much of a bother for me but the annoying thing will be training then not being able to have a break or lunch when i want to. kind of feel sad about my old job, i still dont believe it really - over a date! anyway i will never go back there, unless i knew i could slack the fuck off haha hopefully this will be a nice new start. hoping that i have a nice year. maybe its a transformative year for me. i hope i can get back into writing - i am already writing each day, have i started actually working on my script no why because im still outlining. at least i know i have another 2 weeks to just relax. on monday i hope to maybe walk on the treadmill or swim then relax and also write. i think i need to keeeeep on doing that even if its just for 30 minutes a day. all of this stupid shit has made me realise working for a big company is just stupid and petty. going into this new job im going to slack off as much as i can and just get by. i dont like the job, i dont want to be a leader. all i need is money. thats all im there for. i dont need to worry about stupid colleagues or making nice. i will be fake nice to everyone which is new to me i am usually normal nice haha. anwyay whos to say i wont win 20mil at lotto or something in the meantime. i think for me its the best choice for right now i have a real problem controlling my anxiety - i have been working on it but ever since this incident i noticed im very like WOAH boom booom boom and feeling. i can turn it off most of the time but its not nice to feel that. iwant to be able to be calm and relaxed at all times haha it is an overwhelming feeling i think is how i would describe it. my body goes into a state of shock or something. i over think it. i just need to remind myself its no big deal, who really cares? i mean who gives a shit about all of this. would be different if they were jobs i really liked or wanted. i think its just best for me to work from home so my body doesnt go into overdrive or my mind. at least at home i can relax somewhat and not be confronted by anyone. i wonder how that will go for the rest of my life haha anyway looking at it the way it is im happy to just plod along making some money and move out or just win lotto. my writing is very importnat to me and its important that i submit something i am 100% proud and happy with. i have 2 months left - aiyayai. would be a lot easier if i lived away from my parents but eh! i can do it. maybe ill get a job in la, a cool job a great job a high paying job in a field that i love being a cool chick have cool friends a cool house and a cool car. my life has infinite possibilities and i can do anything i want i just need to remind myself sometimes. all the time ha

[nicegaai]

Ch 7:

(i ragequit halfway thru rereading this chapter bc i decided i hated it and everything in the world and etc <3 its literally fine tho. im going to finish this reread bc i said i would and i WILL. and i keep daydreaming ab this universe lately. i miss them.)

Ohhh this is where I took a big break between chapters and I was never sure the flow between them made a ton of sense… idk I guess because the two of them had a good talk and then immediately Emil dreamed about sucking oniichan off…..

Ohh this is so silly… Emil my boy.. this is so awkward for sig what are u doooooing <3

HMM. There are edits I want to make here. I didn’t need the last sentence. I used to like it, now I don’t . :/

OH!!!!! I did write Leon into this!!! Id forgot! I had several scenes with him i cut out bc I just didn’t want to write them..

ohh my god I duplicated a whole paragraph. This has all just been an elaborate exercise in embarrassment. I can’t believe I got away with this.

Wow </3 if u think about it, Sig wanting to fuck Emil sooo bad actually saved him from the gay incel lifestyle. It could have been so much worse for my boy <//3

Oh. The transition made me gasp. Gagged me a bit. Get it boysss. Wild Fucking Scene between these three. Idk what to say to this. Op you have problems.

Another error to edit :-/

CRAP DUDE I LEFT IN NOTES THAT WERE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT. I can’t take it anymore im so madddddddd 

Actually this whole chapter is my least fav yet. SIGHH. I wanna go in and edit dialogue again bc this just. ughh. Ive changed I could do him better this time

(I actually walked away here for like 4 hours. Maybe im just at the anger stage of grief. )

Ok forget Sig, Berwald would not say that either. What is any of this? Why is any of this. Mannnnnnn get me out of here!!!!!  Haha wait I can just skim read. Its fine.

(It was not fine. I rage quit again and started again the next day.)

IM SORRY FOR THE NEGATIVITY ALL OF A SUDDEN I don’t know what my problem is. It’s Sunday now, back at it. Im gonna finish this reread TODAY so I can START WRITING !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hm yeah this scene really didn’t play out as well as I hoped it would. I wanna throw up and cry but its good im good its good I am good … Its not good and I don’t know why it not being good is fucking w me this bad lmao

(RIGHT HERE is where i quit for like a month and im back again let's see if i freak out a third time<3)

so i guess this is why books go thru multiple rounds of edits. i understand now. writing is a mess and i came at this thing overconfident i could hammer something out on the fly,,,,,,,,

i will allow myself to go in and do rewrites and scene rearranging and such AFTER i finish the last chapter ONLY. thats my new motivation to finish this. and i will finish it. i will. i say this bc i really do fucking hate this scene and i want to do something violent to it in the rewrite phase sooo bad ill tear it to bits ill kill it dead #positivethinking

actually fuck this its my reread. i dont HAVE TO read this scene. aaaaand skip (<- liar who continues to skim and cringe)

ok scene over i lived. back to my darlingbabyboybabybooboobear

it was a mistake to involve characters that i dont want to throttle and soak in milk and slam against the wall. the writing only gets good when iceland is there i think & the rest is filler. the quality fr jumped about 3 levels this is so funnyyyyyy. im not hopeless after all ...!!

im going to squeeze emil until his head pops like a zit

im going to scream i m going to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD ARE THEY FUCKIN IN THIS CHAPTER? OH MY GOD ARE THEY? WAIT THERES STILL LIKE 1/3RD LEFT TO GO I DONT REMEMBER THIS ARE THEY GONNA --

im only getting more intrigued. what is this. whats happening. are they fuckin or nah

i love typos theyre eachand every one my special little friend *shaking w barely contained rage(

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i do not remember where this is going but i hope they fuckin oh my god oh my god im kickin my feet and gigglinggggg aiigieieghhghe

hes a nervous little thingg ...... uwa.. moé ... <333

this is stupid and indulgent but i live for emil reacting to things.

make another edit here i think emil could be reacting cuter. future me, make the gayboy MORE moe please tttthnak you

i made a stupid noise when they kissed im weak i a m a weak man. also i knowwww they fuckin now but i dont trust that the sex is going to be well written i know it wont be.

already i am disappointed. and i know why cuz i can feel exactly where i struggled w the eroticism of the peenus and im reading this like. yeah i didnt enjoy writing that and its coming across to the reader alright. or to me at least with my criticism goggles on. god the next few chapters are going to be so much worse. but i think i can make it work. theres. i have. ..im seeing visions from fujoshi jesus

oh no i squee'd .. theres not another word for it. AHH!!!! i fucking squee'd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]IM KICKING M Y FEET AND STUFF WHAT denice got me rolling around schoolgirl style . im a full on mess i love them sm ,THIS IS SO SILLYYYYYYYY I LOVE THEMMMMMMMMMMMMM WHAT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im actually enjoying this so much i love denice.....

BWAHHHGHHH

EAUEGHAEUEGAHGAEHGA

projection in my fanfic? nooo neverr,

HES SOOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTE EMILLLLL BABYYYYYY I WUV UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

kicking my feet again aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

fav chapter ending ive ever written in anything ever. so good. what a horrible piece of shit i hate him. i hate all of this. something something my twisted mind. one more chpater ill read idk tomorrow maybe the next day.....well goodnight

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[ettellessa]

I was writing something this morning and midway I realized it fits Danny and Sam well enough for a smol fanfic.

Trope: writer and serial killer get matched based on similar interests.

.

.

The Phantom Killer

Sam Manson is a goth girl with varius dark interests —horror movies, metal, edgy makeup, etc—, who is recently diving into the occult —witchcraft, demonology, divination—.

While interacting on forums about necromancy and ghosts, she meets a boy with a lot of questions she can theorically answer —what demons are best for what purpose, what offerings are better, is the metal background music necessary?—

Later, Sam is going through some old classic horror movies and discussing serial killers, and there he is again.

SpaceGhost: hi

LocalMorticia: u again?

SpaceGhost: any more wisdom you wanna share w me?

LocalMorticia: on serial killers? not rly

SpaceGhost: why here then?

LocalMorticia: trynna learn for a story im writing

SpaceGhost: maybe i can help u

LocalMorticia: lets see

LocalMorticia: any clue on how could I effectively turn a person into a functional puppet with strings?

SpaceGhost: first of all, if you wont kill them, then break their joints and attach the strings to the wrists, the elbows, the shoulders, the knees, the hips and the top of the head.

SpaceGhost: if youre gonna kill them, then let the rigor mortis do its thing first and then break the joints post mortem

SpaceGhost: well not you, your character haha

LocalMorticia: you know a lot

SpaceGhost: a lot of movies and videogames end up teaching you smth

LocalMorticia: thx

LocalMorticia: ill be back w more questions

SpaceGhost: ill be waiting

Question after question, they start video calling. Sam is surprised to see how cute SpaceGhost turns out to be —or Danny, that's his name. She hates to have these shallow girl thoughts, buy she can't help it.

Weeks after the calls, they agree to meet because they live in the same city.

The boy is shy and a little awkward, he seems to be very sick and fragile, but she doesn't comment on it. He knows a lot about her interestes, even if he couldn't look more casual himself. He is a bit of a geek, maybe that is why he is so pale.

There's a serial killer on the loose in Amity Park. Someone has been killing young men and putting their bodies in weird satanic altar-like places: pentagrams, circles, septagrams, candles and weird incriptions. There is always a green substance on the scene, but nobody knows what it is.

Sam notices these crimes deeply upset Danny. He goes quiet and sometimes even shakes when he sees them.

A few months later, they share their first kiss. She is pretty sure that he disappeared for a split second in the kiss. But that's impossible, isn't it?

The murders are increasing, whoever does them is very good, the police has absolutely no clue and there are no fingerprints, hair or anything they can use to track the killer. It's as though he were a ghost, which earns him a name on the media: the Phantom Killer.

Danny is doing a lot better, he is tanner and more energetic. He is brimming with life.

The months go on, Danny and Sam are getting a little serious: this isn't some flirtation anymore. Is he going to get on one knee? Is she going to say yes? Is 23 too young or too old?

Danny disappears for weeks sometimes, when he is back, he always looks healthier and stronger. He barely resembles the boy she met on dark forums.

The murders are still happening, so the Mayor imposes a curfew on town. Danny seems displeased for this, but Sam couldn't care less: he just moved in with her, it's perfect for the cozy times she hopes to spend with him.

It's only a few weeks later that she begins to notice he leaves the bed sometimes in the middle of the night. Once, she followed to the living room to catch him in his computer, fully focused on whatever he's reading. She trusts him, but she can't help to wonder.

Months into this dynamic, she realizes that he drugs her once or twice in the month —unusual nights when she sleeps like a baby and he casually brings her his "special Fenton hot chocolate" before bed. She doesn't immediately confront him, because she wants to know what he is up to.

The next time he brings him the mug —the special Snow White Poisoned Apple mug he gave her for their first anniversary, of all things— she only pretends to drink it, spiting it on the sink as soon as he leaves.

In the middle of the night, around 3:00 AM, he gets up and leaves. She listens to him getting dressed, watches him walk away —peeking through the living room window— and get lost into the night. Sam follows him wearing only her night robe and carrying her phone and am electric gun, just in case someone tries to hurt her. Definitely not for Danny.

She witnesses in the cool air of the night, how he speaks with Dash Some-Big-Last-Name, their local sports star A.K.A. the village idiot. They go inside an abandoned building.

There is barely any light inside, but she can see a lot of flying shadows and hear many gutural voices. What is going on in there?

After what feels like hours, Danny comes out of the building, alone, looking tired and wearing a different outfit. She rushes back home as stealthy as she can, and makes it to the bed barely fifteen minutes before he's back, sleeping by her side.

Three weeks later, Dash is found dead on one of the altars.

Sam doesn't want to believe it. but the same routine repeats another three times. He is smart, he never waits the same amount of days between drugging her and putting his new victim on display. But why do all the bodies look so dry on the altar, even when they appear only a day after the goes hunting?

The fifth time she follows him, he finally notices.

Sam tries to get closer to the place he entered with his victim —this time a ruined factory— to see who or what are the shadows and deep voices. When she peeks through the window, the shadows are still shadows, but the voices are much clearer: they are giving orders. making deals, offering new things.

And Danny, he is discussing with them: he wants them to give him back what they promised, he says he has given them what was bargained for and the deal his parents made is done.

The shadows deny, they demand he must give them his woman and the deal will be through. Danny keeps arguing that his parents made a deal for the lives of 25 men his age, never a woman. Suddenly, he screams like a demon, his figure disappearing into a shadow that subjugates the others with a wail that could only come from the depths of hell. Sam covers her ears, horrifyed.

And that is when he sees her. He goes back to human, running after her. She fights him like a banshee, trying to run away or reach her taser. She reaches the weapon, but Danny easily takes it away. She faints.

When she wakes up, she is in her bed, with Danny resting by her side. He caresses her cheek, he says he thought he was done and safe to make a normal life with her, but he isn't. He has to keep giving them the lives of young men if he won't give them hers.

He explains that his parents made a deal for his life, he was a fragile baby and too close to death. The shadows gave him the ability to absorb the life of the ones he kills. Be tried with animals, but they life force is way too weak, so he will have to do this as long as he wants to live.

Danny kisses her forehead, confessing that he was going to let himself die instead of keeping on with the horror. But not now, not now that he has found love.

Sam tries to find the will to hate him, to be afraid, to murder him herself to stop him. She fails.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Idk if this is a fanfic or an outline for one, but i loved the idea. And I know that Sam is more likely to become a serial killer than Danny, but Danny would never be on dark forums out of fun.

[sunnysunoo]

Love Letters ; Sim Jake

Pairing: Jake X Reader

warnings: explicit language and cursing

word count: 3k words

genre: friends to lovers au! fluff with tiny pieces of crack lmao

Jake was always known for being this perfect guy in school. I mean, they're not wrong. They always described him as if he's this walking piece of art in the hallways. People would stop to just stare at him. You'd stare at him all day too, but you set priorities first: writing him love letters.

You're no Lara Jean, but I guess you can say that she's what inspired you to write Jake letters. Who needs Peter Kavinsky when Jake Shim exists anyways?

note: Not me completely disappearing off of tumblr for like months and then showing up again suddenly lol. I got really busy the past few months since I was completing requirements for school, and I really didn't have the motivation to do anything at the time so I took so time off to take care of myself first so I hope you understand :) But now since it's summer break, I am given at least 2 more months until I go back to school in August :)) Here's the long-awaited Jake imagine that I completely forgot about lmao hope you enjoy <3

P.S I finished writing this at 1:26 am so please excuse the really shitty plot and grammar ill rewrite it once i wake up

tag list: @cha-raena ( sorry for the rlly late post bestie )

Dear Jake, First of all, I will never call you Jaeyun because calling you by your English name makes me feel like I'm your friend. Calling you by your Korean name makes us feel like we're cold strangers to one another and I don't want that. I want us to be something more than that, but it's hard when you don't even know who I am. I'm surprised how you don't grow tired of me just dropping letters right into your locker every time you open it, and that's one of the things I love about you. You don't just throw away people's efforts and you treasure them with care. It makes my heart beat so fast as if I ran miles away from here.

We're already one year left until we graduate high school, and I don't want to end my high school years without you realizing my feelings for you. I know for sure that you would never reciprocate the feelings that I have towards you, so I want to treat this as closure in case we do forget about each other in the future. Yours truly,

Moon

__

"How is this person not over you? That's like the tenth one this month," Jay said, looking over Jake as he reads the letter from his secret admirer. Jake has always been receiving these letters from the same person everyday for the past four months. He's thankful for the letters because they definitely make his day better, knowing that there's someone out there who loves him as who he is regardless of looks. He's not gonna lie that these little notes and letters make his heart race too. "Do you have any plans with finding the person behind the letters?" Jay asked as he watches his best friend trying to hide the small smile that's been growing. No one really knows who this mysterious person is and why they decided to name themselves the moon, but we don't judge anyone in here. If they want to be the moon in their next life, then so be it. "I really want to find the person who's making these letters," Jake shoved the letter in his backpack, trying to not wrinkle it. "But I don't know where to start." "Who's finding who?" A voice popped suddenly beside the presence of the two boys. You leaned beside the locker beside Jake's, watching him as he grabs his books from his locker. "Did Moon drop your daily letter today again?" "They did as usual," Jake wasn't even surprised. He would expect the letters every time he enters the school in the morning. He would open his locker to see the usual small letter placed inside his locker. He usually arrives at seven or earlier, but he's surprised that he could never even catch a glance of this anonymous sender around the campus. "Should I go to school at five in the morning?" "Five in the morning? Isn't that a bit too early?" You questioned, followed by a shaky breath. "The school doesn't even open until six." "I could just walk to that nearby convenience store I always pass by to grab a coffee." He argues, closing his locker shut before walking towards his classroom.

You and Jay followed beside him, and you sneered under your breath, "You don't even wake up to your alarm clock."

"Why don't you even want me to go early anyway?" He glances as you try to give him an answer. But before you could say something, Jay replies first.

"You’re probably hiding something." He said. You rolled your eyes and narrowed your eyes at him. "You are so weird." You grunted, before walking ahead of them. You feel panicked because you were scared that you made yourself obvious to them.

__

You were inside your classroom sitting on your desk. There were only fifteen minutes left before lunch, but you had eaten your packed meal before instead of going to your school cafeteria. You were fidgeting in your place, conflicted about Jake finding his secret admirer, not knowing that it was you who's been sending him letters the past few months. You're not scared of him finding out that the letters were from you; that was the entire reason why you wrote him letters in the first place. You're scared of how he was gonna confront you about it. Would he like you back? Would he hate you? Would he avoid you?

Your mind was full of scenarios but you were suddenly brought back to reality when a hand planted itself on your desk. You look up and saw Jay standing in front of you, eating sushi with his other hand. His face kinda looks like he knows something, and it's freaking you out a bit.

"What?" You asked, suddenly flustered over how his eyes stared right into you. He took the seat in front of your desk and flipped it so it was facing you. He sat down and blurted the phrase that you were dreading to hear from anyone.

"So, you like Jake?"

You suddenly feel like punching him in the face with his sushi.

"What??" Your body felt like, and you were left a nervous mess. Your heart like it was going to pump right out of your chest any minute, and your hands started to sweat.

Jay's mouth formed into a smirk. He caught you. "Jake may be a bit oblivious, but I can totally see right through you."

“Haha...no you don’t,” You tried to deny, but it was all useless when his expression looked unconvinced.

“Oh yeah? Then why are you all red? You look like a bursting tomato.”

“You don’t know that," You leaned further into your seat, playing with the strings of your hoodie.

“C’mon Y/N, you’re not even trying. Just give up and admit it,” Jay was trying to help you confess your feelings for Jake. Frankly, he knew it was you sending him letters this whole time—how can Jake not see it?

With a heavy sigh, you slumped and laid your head on your desk, embarrassed. “Fine. I like him, okay? Are you happy now?”

The smirk on his face grew wider, feeling proud of himself. You are not dealing with his annoying crap this early in the morning. He grinned and munched on his half-eaten sushi. “I knew it.”

“Congratulations,” It was muffled because you hid your red face away from him. All that was on your mind now was how you could book yourself a flight all the way across the world.

“But seriously, since when did you have a crush on him?” You raised your head to face him, giving him a look that could kill, except Jay finds it entertaining rather than intimidating.

“I started having a crush on him when we were in fifth grade. It was at a friend's birthday party, and he saw me being all quiet and lonely. Honestly, I forgot who’s birthday that was.” You told him the very first time you had discovered feelings.

“He saw how sad I looked so he accompanied me the whole time. He was even trying to feel more included in the games and stuff.” You felt a smile ghosting on your lips as you can still vividly remember how you felt your heart tug the first time. “It was kinda like I fell in love at first sight.”

Jay faked a gag, so you lightly punched him in the shoulder. He may be a bit of an asshole, but he’s one the most caring and kind people you’ve ever met. It honestly felt good spilling out your feelings about Jake to him.

Speaking of, Jake was watching you two play around and laugh at Jay's little jokes from outside, and he felt something burning from inside him. Was it that he felt jealous of you and Jay?

No, he can’t be...right?

Maybe it was because of how he felt separated from you and Jay because of him being a separate class.

Yeah, maybe it's because of that.

__

Dear Jake,

I just had the most bizarre day today, and I felt like telling you about it.

It was chemistry period, and we had to be partnered with someone for a lab project. I ended up getting paired with Yeojin. We kinda created this unexpected friendship, which I love. We would crack jokes at each other, tell funny stories, it was so fun to be with her that we had completely forgotten about our project. So now, we both got a detention slip for making an accidental explosion.

How about you? How was your day? I hope it was just as fun as mine. If you feel like the day just wasn't as happy or you're feeling down, just now that it's okay to feel that way because days like these just lasts for 24 hours. It will be all over before you know it and you'll be greeted by another day. Maybe it will be different, and you would be all happy again just like how my day went. Maybe being with you would be my happiest day yet, and I couldn't wait for that day to come. See you soon :)

Love,

Moon

__

"Yeojin!" Jake called, seeing her walk down the opposite way. "Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

"Hey Jake," She greeted him with a smile. "Sure, go ahead."

"Could you perhaps give me any information about your partner in Chemistry?" He had hopes of getting any kind of description about his mysterious sender, but he was instead given a sad frown on Yeojin's face.

"Sorry Jake, but that person told me not to tell you about their information." She gave an apologetic smile. "I wish you all the best in finding them!"

Jake muttered a small "okay," and sighed before walking away, feeling defeated.

Yeojin knew that he was gonna ask about Moon the moment he called her from across the hall. She couldn't wait to tell you about this.

__

"Hey Y/N," A voice said from behind. You turned around to see Jake with his backup hung on his shoulder. He brought his hand up and raked his hair, and you felt your face grow red. Jake is like a gift from the gods. How can someone look so ethereal even if they're just standing there? You could stare at him all day. You couldn't even understand a thing he said until he started waving his hands in front of you.

"Hello?" You blinked multiple times as you were brought back out to reality. You saw Jake's face grow into concern. "Are you okay? spaced out."

"O-oh..No, I'm completely fine." You reassured him, feeling embarrassed. "What were you saying again?"

"I was asking you if you wanted to go to school with me early tomorrow."

Well, shit.

Your eyes started to go wide, and your hands started to go clammy.

"Tomorrow?" You repeated, voice trembling.

'Well, yeah." He pouted his lips, and you felt like melting into a small puddle in your place. Your heart started to pound heavily.

Oh my fucking god, he is so adorable.

"Okay, sure I can go with you tomorrow," You weakly smiled at him, slightly tense.

How we're you going to give him the letter now?

__

"Good Morning," Jake said as he watches you close the gates of your house. It was past five in the morning, and you were a mess.

"Morning," You replied back before running your fingers through your hair, getting rid of any flyaways.

As you started walking your way to the bus stop, Jake kept on glancing towards you from time to time. He knew you were pretty, but since when did you become really beautiful in his eyes?

The walk was pretty quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. For him, mostly.

Meanwhile, you couldn't stop freaking out. You had written a letter the night before, but you don't know how you were going to slip it into his locker without him taking notice. If he saw you, he would know.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been like this since yesterday," Jake blurted. You looked at him before heaving a sigh.

"It's nothing," You mouthed, suddenly feeling anxious and gloomy.

"Something on your mind?"

"Something like that." It was hopeless. I guess he would have to miss this letter today. It was the first time you skipped a day, and you're feeling guilty that you would have to see Jake's face sadden that he wouldn't receive it today.

As you two stop at the bus stop, Jake looked slightly panicked as he was rummaging through the pockets of his blazer before looking through his bag. "Hey, do you have an extra pen? I left mine at home and I have a quiz today."

You snickered, "Out of all the days, Sim Jake. The same day you have a quiz is the same day you forget your pen."

"Very funny." He scoffed.

As you unzipped your bag to grab your pencil case, a folded piece of paper fell out without you realizing it. When Jake went to pick it up, he notices that it was folded the same way as the letters in his locker. It looked so identical.

Once you already got your pencil case out, you were about to hand it to him when you saw what he was holding that made your body freeze with your hand holding the case in the air.

"Why were one of my letters inside your bag?" He glanced at you, waiting for you to reply.

If you were freaking out before, this is a whole other thing. The thing that you were fearing the most is happening right before you.

"Maybe it fell into my bag yesterday..." You stammered, making up an excuse to look like it was an accident. You were tightly holding onto your pencil case, chanting many curse words in your head as you watch Jake unfold the letter.

"I don't think I've received this one yet," He said before he opened the letter and read it.

You watch as his expression formed into confusion as he reads through the paper. It only took a few moments before something in him clicked that it was you sending him the letters.

"Y/N," He began, and you started quivering in fear.

You should've known this would happen, but you didn't expect it to happen this sooner. In fact, you believed that this wouldn't happen at all. But it did.

"Let me explain," You eventually gave up and accepted fate and watch as your identity as "Moon" be revealed to your crush. You're now exposed so you didn't have any other choice but to explain everything. "Yes, I am Moon. I was the one writing you the letters that you've been getting in your locker."

Jake's face was unreadable. He looked bewildered and puzzled. He was trying to comprehend what was happening right now. All this time, it was you?

"I started crushing on you when we attended that birthday party before. I didn't want to confess my feelings for you because I was scared that you were going to harshly reject me, so I started writing down letters as a way to tell you how I feel about you without making you feel awkward around me." You continued, eyes suddenly taking an interest in your shoes. They were brand new too.

Jake was silent, and you felt your heart crack into pieces. You were mad at yourself for being so careless about it that he ended up finding out about you as his secret admirer. You wanted nothing else but to run back home, lock yourself in your room and cry with your sad playlist on loop.

You were expecting a harsh rejection coming from him, but what surprised was how he took dangerous steps towards you, minimizing the gap between you two. He placed his hand under your chin, forcing you to look up at him.

"I don't plan on rejecting you Y/N," You stare into his eyes as it reflects the sunlight of the early morning. "I'm actually happy that it was you."

You look at him, puzzled. He lowly chuckles under his breath before leaning over to place his lips against yours. It was a light, quick kiss, but it brought you feeling ecstatic. You've dreamed of this moment before, and now that it happened, you thanked your clumsiness.

As he pulled away, you were sure your face was a red mess.

"Thank you," His smile was as bright as the stars in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. "Thank you for making me like I'm special to someone."

You felt flustered over his words. You were scared that he could hear the sound of your heart pounding loudly. The butterflies in your stomach were going wild, and you felt like this was all a dream.

"So, what am I to you now?" You broke into a smile as he grabs your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

Jake acted as if he was thinking, "Hm..maybe my best friend still?"

He bursts into a fit of giggles as he sees your smile slowly disappear, replacing it with a look of disbelief. You removed your hand from his and walked at a faster pace away from him.

He ran to match your pace beside you before holding your hand again, "I'm sorry, I won't ever do that again. Is my girl mad at me?"

"Oh my god, it's only five-fifty, Jake." You too broke into laughter over his cheesiness, but your heart fluttered over the thought of Jake calling you his.

__

HERE’S A LITTLE BONUS! since I've made you guys wait for 4 months :(

"What the fuck?" Was the first thing You heard from Jay as you and Jake entered the classroom. All of your classmates were staring at your and his hands intertwined together.

Jay stood in front of you two, crossing his arms together. "Can one of you explain when this happened?" he motioned towards your linking hands. You and Jake smiled at each other before walking away, leaving Jay in a fit of joy, and confusion.

[vemuabhi]

Wait... somebody hold my pasta! Requets are opennnn! Bello, how are you?? I hope you are doing well!

I was wondering if I could ask for a Killer x Reader fic! I thought like, the reader is the new cook and Killer keeps hovering around like she's poisoning the food idk hahaha In reality, he just wants to be around, but doesn't know how to tell her.

Any special touches are so welcome! And please, take your time writing. I know you are swamped with requests and I'm not going anywhere haha Sorry for the gigantic ask!!

Thank you! Wishing you all the inspiration and love! 💙

Hello author san! Im happy to see you here in my box! This is my very first time writing for our favourite Pastaboy!! Im so excited to write for him. I hope its good and I hope you like it @holykillercake swan~~

MR. MASK

Pairing: Killer X Reader

Warning: none. Its Killer fluff!!

Word count: 2.3K

Likes/votes, comments, shares/reblogs are appreciated!

Summary : being the new cook of the Kidd pirates, comes with a very suspicious and also a curious mask dude.

"Yes. I know that and I added extra sugar for Kidd", you replied to the mask dude who was telling you, the official cook for the crew, how to make coffee for the captain.

"Just making sure", he said and started to make pasta.

"I could make it for you", you said.

"Its alright. I can do it myself. You can now go and serve the coffee to the gang", he replied without even looking at you.

'This jerk... why the hell is he like this?', you cursed under your breath and went to the rowdy gang. Mornings were the only time of the day, the assholes didn't drink.

"Heat! Wire! Wake up!!", you knocked the door and went inside. The roomies had a drowsy look on their faces. But ofcourse these two and Killer mostly stayed up guarding the ship.

Then you went to Kidds cabin and knocked once before entering.

"Captain, wake up", you said and carefully placed the hottest mug on the side of the night stand. He just grunted and turned. You knew, once Kidd woke up his drink would turn warm. So his was extra hot than others.

Once when a traitor was about to kill Kidd in his sleep, the first mate used the boiling hot coffee which was on the captains stand just in time. So... its not only a drink but also a weapon.

You quickly handed the rest of the crew, their mugs and went to the kitchen to brew the stew for the breakfast. Yes ofcourse it was wished by Kidd himself the day before.

You saw the first mate eating his pasta peacefully with his mask on. Before you were the cook, he cooked for the crew and this became his habbit to eat before the crew. He never removed his mask. Not once he revealed his face.

It would be a lie, if you said you weren't interested how he looked like and why he wore his mask always. But slowly you got used to him and his behaviour around you.

He always told you what to add and always asked what you were making. His special interest to the ingredients was weird. He looked at the ingredients and cut them for you everytime. As if you'd poison the food, if he wasn't around.

You were getting pissed by his actions day by day. You went to the stove and continued to stir the stew.

The breakfast was hectic with the rowdy crew and their massive appetite. You did feel someone staring at you once in a while. There would be 2 people if you felt like someone is staring at you. One being heat and other, the blond. Heat sat beside you, so you knew it wasnt him. And you made sure Heat could over come his shyness and ask you for food instead of staring.

You turned to look at Killer and yes, his mask was facing you. You shook your head and continued to eat the food.

And after a bit of training with Heat and Wire, you went to the kitchen to make lunch.

You got irritated when you saw the vegetables already cut. It was the work of Killer and you couldn't do anything but to sigh. You quickly started to mix the already cut veggies with the spices.

Making the Lunch was a bit peaceful. Because during this time, Killer and Kidd used to talk about some upcoming events and handled some paperwork. Sometimes they would build machines or new types of weapons.

The dinner was again a bit difficult. You could cut the vegetables this time but, he'd come to the kitchen and ask you what you were making. Sometimes he used to read books during this time. Sometimes it felt weird if... he wasn't in the kitchen.

Just like everyday after dinner, you now sat in the kitchen alone and looked at the new recipes, thinking what to make tomorrow. And like a routine, Heat came towards the Kitchen and stared at you for a few seconds before calling you.

"Hey.. Y/N", you immediately looked at him and knew what he was about to say. So you got up and went towards the fridge.

"Can I have any leftover dessert you made today", he asked as you closed the door with the dessert in your hands.

Walking towards him you placed the food before him and sat opposite to him.

He smiled happily and took a bite of the dessert and started to eat it with delight.

Yes you loved to see people enjoy the food you make. So you always made sure to save a portion for him.

You decided to ask Heat the question you had for months.

"Heat, can I ask you something"

He swallowed the dessert in his mouth and nodded.

"So... its actually about Killer", you said. Heat curiously leaned over to listen to you.

So, actually.. i feel like he is really suspicious of whatever I do and its really bothering me", you said before closing the cook book and sitting straight.

"How can he be so suspicious even after I am here for more than 4 months. I mean, if he has any problem with me, he needs to tell me right. What should I do? ", you ended with an ask and looked at him curious eyes.

He took another bite of the dessert and started to think carefully.

Finally he answered by saying, "I am pretty sure Killer is not doubting you. Maybe its better if you ask him"

"Why do you think its not the case?"

"Well, if it was... you wouldn't be alive. Its as simple as that."

'Damn that makes perfect sense. Why didn't I think like that', you mentally facepalmed yourself.

"Y/N, I believe there is something else. Why not just ask him", he suggested taking another bite.

"Yeah... thanks", you smiled at him and leaned back into your chair as you continued, "ill do that"

But ofcourse. It wasn't that easy to ask Killer. So a few days passed and one evening, the crew reached an island.

After docking, Kidd wanted to get drunk and fight other drunkards in the bar. Thinking it was a good chance to slip out of the place. The island was beautiful and the stars started to twinkle in the sky.

You walked aimlessly in the streets, which were a bit dark but still were beautiful. You didn't have to be scared. You are strong. One of the Kidd pirates. The one who always trains with the super soldiers heat and wire.

Then a park caught your attention. Walking in it you saw a slide.

'Ha... memories', you thought as you walked towards it.

The next thing you knew was you climbing up on the slide. You were ready to slide down it then you noticed the mask staring at you. You didn't know what to do. Your mind was blocked with the embarrassment. Still you slid down. Oh my... the 2 seconds slide was definitely awkward.

Both of you were so silent and just kept staring at eachother, with a blank expression.

You swore you could see his shoulders shaking. Was he... trying to hold back his laughter?

"What is so funny?", you asked with your cheeks flushed pink.

Damn he turned to another side to avoid looking at you, while he still tried to hold his laugh.

"I.. I just felt like... playing because its been a while", you tried to explain yourself while folding your arms. Then he slowly turned to look at you.

"I... didn't ask you anything", he said folding his arms.

"Tsk... why did you come here anyway?", you asked but you didn't receive any answer. You started to walk towards the swing now. He quietly followed you a few steps behind. Well you got caught so, there is no reason to hide or sacrifice the urge to play.

You sat on the swing and looked at him slowly coming towards you.

"Killer! Push the swing up high", you asked.. more like ordered.

He stood behind you in a blink of an eye and pushed the swing forward. It had been so long since you played like this.

The cool breeze felt so good. You chuckled as soon as he pushed you a bit higher. Oh how it felt like music to his ears.

After a while you asked him to stop it. You tripped as you felt a bit dizzy after swinging for so long. Ofcourse Killer was there to make sure you didn't fall down. You tapped his shoulder and made him to sit on the swing.

"Now It's your turn", you declared.

"Woah, you don't have to", he said but you didn't care and pushed the swing forward. If Killer didn't have his mask on, you could've looked at how he blushed at your actions.

Then you suddenly thought about what Heat told you. You decided it was the correct time to ask him as it was neither awkward nor anyone interrupted you two.

"So, Killer I wanted to ask you something for a while now", you saw that Killer definitely flinched when you said it.

"Wh..what is it?", he replied trying to keep him as calm as ever.

"Do you not trust me?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, you are always in the kitchen, asking me what I was doing, what I was adding, what ingredients I was using. It feels like you don't trust me", you pushed him again but he stopped to swing, by placing his legs on the ground.

"Oh no! I do trust you. I never thought you'd misunderstand my actions", he said facing you. You gave him a confused expression for which, he turned away and sighed.

"I was... trying to help you", he mumbled.

Your cheeks turned red at his answer. Then everything made sense. The way he always tried to make you know what the crew liked. How he cut veggies and other items for you. How he made his own pasta to lessen your work.

'God damn it! Now that I think, Ofcourse he was helping me', you started to curse yourself inside.

"So... you didn't knew it", his faced down looking at the ground beneath him.

"Im sorry. Killer please forgive me", you crouched before him and looked up at his mask. 'Aww how sad he seemed now.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice that you were helping me", you said taking his hand in yours.

"Its alright. It might've been my fault. I am this weird looking mask dude. No wonder you got scared"

"No no Killer. Its not because of your mask. Its not your fault. It was my fault. You are calm and collected. You always analyse things before hand. You solve fights between the crew members. You always did help me. You were always around me and made sure I didn't feel uncomfortable. You are an amazing cook and a great partner", you ended saying it.

Well with the last part you got carried away and got real close to his mask. As if you were kissing his mask.

Oh damn. You pulled back but... you were damn fricking sure, you saw shiney light blue eyes.

"Thanks Y/N", he said getting up and as you both still held hands, he pulled you up.

He placed his other hand on your waist to make sure you had balence before letting you go. He waved to you and started to walk towards the exit.

For some reason, you felt like, you'd really miss something if you just let him go now. As if... you'd not see him like always. Your legs worked their way and now you were running behind Killer.

"Killer stop!", you said and he tuned back to look at you. You couldn't stop your legs and almost tackled him down. But he was way too strong for you to tackle him down. So now, his arms were supporting you. Again!

You almost died with embarrassment but... you had to tell him.

"I didn't hate it", you said but he didn't reply. More like he didn't even know what to reply. Or... he didnt even understand what you meant.

"I didn't hate when you helped me. Infact I... liked it. Thanks for helping me then and also from now on too. So please do stay with me", you ended the sentence with looking down at the ground. It was quiet for a while.

'The fuck... why did it sound like a-'

"Is this a confession?", he asked

Your cheeks turned red at his question.

"Ah- I... But...", you struggled to come with an answer then you noticed his shoulders shaking again.

"Idiot! Dont laugh!", you shoved him back and started to walk away.

"Hey wait. No one dared to shove me and walk away", he said and followed you. You smirked at that and continued to walk with your head up.

He then continued, "Well.... except for Kidd, when he is on his period"

This shit made you to crack up and you laughed.

"Damn Kidd would kill you", you said as you placed your hand in his and you two continued to talk. You felt so warm in your heart when you held Killers hand.

Maybe something was about to start between you two.

Meanwhile in the bar of the island.

"*Achoo* I hope I didn't catch a cold", Kidd said as he snatched a drink from another person and started to make a ruckus in the bar.

XOXOXOXO

I hope you enjoyed reading this story. I hope I made justice to my very first Killer fic. I enjoyed writing so much for Killer. He is a comfort charecter of mine after Sanji. I tried so much to get a good plot for Killer.

Like/vote, comment, share/reblog to support me.

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[tigerdrop]

in lieu of doing more strenuous hand-based activities heres the Dogboy Gordon In Heat Megamix ive been talking about. i wrote this over the course of a couple months in an effort to feel okay about writing horny shit again and i only just realized there are nearly 6 thousand words here. and they only really fuck for like 10% of that

ta-dah

ive thought a lot about gordon being stuck back at gordonhouse after getting kicked out of barneyhouse. i think its ripe for a lot of pining. (and yes, he is pining over the guy hes actively banging. hes being a big mopey idiot over the fact that he doesnt get to have his fuckbuddy around 24/7.) absence makes the heart grow fonder or whatever and gordons already at a baseline of "wheres benrey. wheres benrey"......and now i am about to turn it up to 11

so lets say......gordons starting to feel weirdly under the weather. sweaty and irritable and tired. hes holing himself up in his room a lot, wrapping himself up in blankets to fight off a chill and a sniffliness that wont go away. and hes gettin awfully moody, too. real fuckin testy. starting shit with freemind for no reason and snapping at og gordon like hes a teenager. and......hes nesting, almost, or at least, gathering up a whole bunch of blankets and pillows and anything that smells vaguely like benrey. (hes not really aware hes doing this last thing.)

basically, long story short, feetman is fucked up. hes pathetic. hes being a huge bitch. at least og gordon feels vaguely sorry for him, and expresses this by way of observing him and trying to treat it. for science. its better than freemind, who just loudly complains about him being a huge bitch and reeking up the place. theres something weird coming from vr gordons corner of the house.....a musky, heady, hormonal kind of thing that makes freemind act simultaneously territorial and irritable and more lascivious than normal. and that also piques og gordons attention, because having both of them be wound up little freaks at the same time is enough to make even the most resilient person pull their hair out

now gordon primes got his suspicions as to whats going on, but hes not gonna tell vr gordon that he suspects hes going into heat. that would compromise the experiment, and all that. so poor gordons just going thru all this shit not knowing what in the fuck is wrong with him and getting more worked up and irritable about it by the day. hes convinced that hes just got the flu, or something......except, uh, haha, jesus christ he is horny all the FUCKING TIME

he doesnt get it! he feels like shit all the time, so why is he constantly fighting off boners and having weird wet dreams and thinking about-- well. his fucking boyfriend, he guesses. (are they boyfriends?? he doesnt know. he gets a weird, sharp pang when he thinks about them not being boyfriends, at this point, but its not like theyve ever talked about it!) gordons half-convinced that hes just losing his mind from being stuck inside all the time and he really just wants to see benrey again. its, like, all he thinks about. (see? hes losing it. theres the proof.)

the sucks thing for everybody else is that gordon is also Extremely Vocal about how shitty he feels and how much he wishes he didnt feel shitty so he could go see benrey and how much he cant stand benrey for not being able to read his mind and come over when he feels bad. eventually freemind gets so sick of his shit that he decides to cut out the middleman and get benrey involved directly. "come take care of your fucking dog before i call the aspca! animal neglect is a crime, asshole!"

(if pressed, freemind would adamantly reject the idea that hes being nice to gordon. but on some level, hes kinda sympathetic. the guys clearly miserable, and he just keeps asking for the same fucking thing. might as well humor him to shut him up.)

vr gordon is completely unaware of these machinations, however. hes just holed up in his room trying to work out what makes him feel better because, uhh, powerade isnt helping

jacking off doesnt do a whole lot for him anymore. like, it feels good, but its not very satisfying. gordon just ends up feeling more restless than anything afterward. and hes always stupid horny. more blankets. a box fan. less blankets. sleeping with one of benreys shirts pressed up to his face. grinding into his pillow when he wakes up hard from yet another weird dream. theyre all a little helpful, and he feels like hes working towards the right thing, somehow, but its never really enough to take the edge off

and then.....he tries......jerking off more. especially when he realizes that its bizarrely soothing to do so while he can smell benrey up close and personal on that stupid shirt of his. better still when he rolls onto his side.....and then his stomach.......rocking his hips into the mattress until he gets the idea to lift his hips a little. and......oh. cool. something kind of......clicks. in his head. as he raises his hips higher while he keeps his arms wrapped around a pillow and benreys shirt jammed against his nose. hes got that lil moment of realization that this is good, actually. this feels like a good move. and its making some of that discomfort melt away

and gordon thinks about.....how it felt. earlier. when they were with barmey. and benrey had him just like this, ass up, face down, and was spreading him apart and licking him open and making him submit and he groans so fucking hard that embarassment just rips through him like lightning. but his tail starting to wag a little faster.....electricity shooting through his belly......and he cant help but wonder. what if benrey had kept going? pulled back and-- maybe, replaced his tongue with his fingers, one at a time, curling them inside him and telling him how well hes behaving and-- and his dick throbs, hard, and gordon realizes he wants fingers inside of himself right fucking now, thank you, hes not fully certain how to accomplish it be he is going to fucking try

(sigh) so my guy figures out about the old fingers in the ass trick. and i need you to understand that i am fully convinced that this is one of those guys who has an uproarious reaction to getting fingers in his ass. mr repressed and uptight over here doesnt really get what the big deal is until he gets braver and pushes a little deeper and hes rock hard in an instant, goodbye, just like everybodys favorite creative writing exercise

and this is what he decides to do for a solid day or two without leaving his room, because, honestly, this is awesome. and the longer he spends jerking off the less time he spends stressing about the fact that his imaginations getting really vivid, here. sure, like, hes no stranger to weird dreams even before this, but this is the first time hes really letting his mind run wild and this dude is nonstop thinking about being bred and gordon still has no fucking idea that hes in heat. doesnt even occur to him

unfortunately this also does not solve his problems but at least it feels baller and it keeps him occupied. also, unfortunately, the increased rate of jerking off is causing a serious uptick in Dog Smells, the effect of which is turning freemind into a nightmare. its just not good vibes in this house. enter: benrey

now i need you to understand that when these two meet up again i want gordon to get Emotional. think about how genuinely excited he gets to see some of his pals in canon. the like......excitement and disbelief when benrey shows up outside his window throwing rocks at it before noclipping in. he forgets to even act pissed off at first. i think it would be super fucking cute for him to drop the game for a moment just out of shock, basically. his tails waggin, his ears are perked up, and hed probably tackle benrey to the ground if he wasnt also a sweaty, trembling mess whos been holed up in his room for days.

and benrey has No Fucking Idea what he has walked in on here. as far as benrey knows, freemind just demanded he get over there and take care of his dog.

(INTERLUDE: here is the part where i gin up a freemind POV of this exact scene. b/c i am out of my fucking mind

so. i had the thought of a freemind POV chapter where hes spying on gordon and benrey.....because. gordons in heat. ive talked about that scenario before too (literally so many FUCKING times okay i just need this dude to have the uncontrollable urge to be bred like a little bitch! and for benrey to take pity on him and make him feel better by nutting in him literally as many times as is physically possible!!!)

but i wanna manifest it in this specific way: from an outside perspective. voyeurism is great and also i have a one track mind and basically the only time i traffic in Other Guys in this fandom anymore is as a participant in gordon and benreys horse shit. Im not apologizing for this

lets say.....vr gordons behavior has been getting worse and worse for "unknown reasons" and freeman prime just sees it as a key observational opportunity for his research. while freeminds getting really irritated at how much its cutting into his normal way of life. for one thing, vr gordons room reeks, and he cant even escape it in his own room! and its turning him into a feisty, aggressive, and loud son of a bitch. but he cant even resolve it in his usual fashion at this point (baiting vr gordon into another competition/fuckfest) b/c gordons being a little sadsack holed up in his room and doesnt wanna play

but also.....he kinda just feels bad for the guy at a certain point. hes clearly really miserable and looks downright ill and all hes asking for is to see his boytoy again. (gordons convinced that hes dying, and feels the need to dramatically speak to benrey one last time before he croaks.) so freemind decides, in all his benevolence, to go over gordon primes head and drag the guy over there anyway. (with machinations, not his literal bare hands. what is he, a caveman?) he reasons that itll be a good opportunity to twist gordons arm into groveling at his feet later

and he spies on the two of them in gordons room.....why? idk. possibly something to do with investigating this relationship between a gordon and a barney that he had yet to fully analyze. tl;dr he gets trapped in their closet for a remix of that one barmey voyeurism chapter b/c why the fuck not

i just.....i dont know.....i think theres something really charming about a 3rd party not being able to fully make out what theyre saying or doing but piecing things together anyway.....like benreys weirdly soft tone of voice when hes talking to a super agitated gordon. as far as any of them know, hes not really like that. he either sounds bored or smug, but either way, its usually straight-up antagonistic

it would make freemind bristle to hear it b/c its almost a mocking tone, but.....it makes gordons shoulders drop and gets him to let go of some of that tension and thats probably fascinating to watch. literally soothing him like a stressed out dog, huh. smoothing back his hair and murmuring things in a low, even tone that freeminds enhanced hearing still isnt good enough to make out. (the guy mumbles, okay? he needs a fucking toastmasters meetup.)

it would equal parts horrify and fascinate freemind, in my onion. watching a version of himself fall that hard into the loyal pet role.....its pathetic! for all that gordon goes on about not being a slave to his instinct or whatever, he sure is doing a bad job of acting like it! its like watching himself, but worse.

and benreys having to soothe him like a startled animal b/c he doesnt even know whats wrong with himself, but theres something thick enough on the air that even benrey can smell it, and hes taking some stabs at the dark. especially with how charged some of the shit gordons saying is......"i cant fucking take it anymore", "you smell so good", "i dont know whats wrong with me, man, my dick hasnt gone down for days and im pretty sure i need a doctor-- no, a real one, not the other gor-- NOT a vet, JESUS"

and the whole time.....freeminds peeking from behind a closet door. watching them devolve from outright hostility into "gordon climbing into benreys lap and shoving one of benreys hands up his shirt and demanding that he fucking touch him already"

normally i dont think freemind would be averse to a little bit of voyeurism, here. if it was anybody else, hed probably at least engage in a little heavy petting. but this is getting weird, man. he cant shake the uncanny feeling that this is something too intimate for him to be watching. for one thing, gordons whimpering like a goddamn dog just from a little necking, and for two, hes never really been the kind of guy to watch people make out for 15 minutes before they get to the good stuff

its just kind of unsettling how much these two clearly really, really like each other at this point. its not like watching gordon prime give vr gordon a handjob as part of a "test". freemind expected more of a hatefuck kind of deal out of these two, what with how often gordons normally going on about how much he hates the guy, what a pain in the ass benrey is, how he just wishes benrey would stop jerking him around.....etc. freemind could shit himself right now. that lying bitch!

i imagine its also kind of painful, on a personal level, for him to watch this borderline-sappy shit. he cant even fathom being on the receiving end of that behavior, let alone from......well. theyve all got their barneys, right? and gordon primes basically doomed himself to incel status b/c he wont nut up and do anything about it. freemind just assumed they were all in the same boat: cursed to casual sex with their roommates/clones, forever, and unable to achieve any kind of intimacy b/c all 3 gordons are fucked up in the exact same way. since theyre all just diff flavors of the same fucking guy, right?

well, theres the evidence that hes wrong. and that vr gordons better than him, somehow. thats gotta suck, bro

anyway then he watches vr gordon get railed in the ass a bunch and jerks off anyway b/c its still hot. see ya)

“take care of your dog”. huh. hes got no clue what that means but, yknow, he does kinda miss his dog. hasnt seen gordon in awhile. and he immediately comments "wow. you look fucked up" in as blunt and unsympathetic a way as possible. but gordons so far gone that he cant even work up a good anger about it. he is pretty fucked up, man. and benrey sits on the bed and slaps his forehead with a palm to take his temperature (and that gets gordon to bitch at him, finally, that thats not how you do it, asshole) and judges that, uh, he is hot. in his expert opinion

and thats when gordon kinda grabs his sleeve and tugs it and starts tryin to say something. hes really bad at it, because he is having to perform the mortifying task of Owning Up To It, but eventually he manages to grind out that he needs benrey to touch him, please. just pet him. something. he feels really bad and he just needs benrey to scratch his fucking ears. this is the most gordon can cop to in one go, and it is such a sad struggle to watch, but benreys caught off guard by it and he feels weirdly bad for gordon upon hearing it so  hes just like "whoa, okay" when gordon tugs his hand to his head

gordon groans the moment his fingernails start scratching behind the ears and digging into his scalp. even just that much feels really fucking good. its comforting, for one thing, and its benrey, for another, and the physical touch feels so fucking good right now that goosebumps are crawling down his neck. gordon cant help but lean against benrey and bury his head in the crook of his shoulder. he wants to hide his face from scrutiny and he wants to get closer but he doesnt know how to say what his fucking problem is

and benreys weirdly quiet. just kinda mumbling and shushing him intermittently, awkward and not sure what to do b/c this is a level of intimacy he was not expecting but gordons sure is responding nicely to a second hand in his hair

so having both of benreys hands scratching at his scalp is really getting to gordon. hes scritchin behind the ears and gordons tails wagging at a mile a minute. the feelings making goosebumps race down his neck and arms. he starts kind of mumbling something into benreys shoulder, how hes been feeling so fucked up lately, and he squirms a little closer. hes not really aiming for anywhere in particular but every neuron thats firing in him right now is telling him to get closer. make contact. he missed the fucking guy, what can he say.

and one of benreys hands......slips down to gordons face. his jaw. a thumb pushing into that soft little divot between his jaw and neck, like hes trying to push up into gordons fucking teeth. its weird and bizarrely intrusive, but benreys hand is broad and warm and gordon leans into it anyway, groaning with relief. its not like its not doing anything for him. kind of the opposite, actually. then he palms at gordons neck, and gordon starts breathing harder. he can feel his heartbeat rabbit-fast, pushing against benreys skin (and theres no way benrey isnt feeling that, too).

benrey eyes are lidded and his breaths starting to get heavier, too. naturally, yknow, since gordons practically draped over him right now, melting all the more the longer benrey keeps petting him. oxytocin is crazy, man, especially when a guys in the full throes of some kind of chemical meltdown of the glands. gordons eyes are screwed shut, tail thumping furiously against the bed, and hes panting at benreys neck like hes a fucking dog.  he just doesnt know how to articulate what the fuck his problem is

benrey smells insanely good to him right now, and gordon just blurts that out. benrey gives him some shit for it, but when gordon only makes a weird noise in response and fists his hands in benreys hoodie, it makes him shut up real quick. hes squeezing out words about feeling like he needs something, but its clearly a fucking effort. its almost pitiful

so. gordons crawled right into benreys lap, too impatient after days and days of feeling like this (you know, being in heat, in so many words). hes been pounding off like crazy, that brand new collar of his strapped to his neck nearly every time b/c hes that desperate to feel… well. *benrey*. he cant fucking jerk off to thoughts of anything else - porn doesnt do it for him, and his fantasies slip right back to the same thing every single time. its frustrating! hes bisexual, for gods sake! its not like hes normally immune to the wiles of the Phat Ass White Girl, but lately he just keeps ending up on his hands and knees and whining benreys name into his pillow and he couldnt focus on a girls rack if he tried

point being. hes being awfully fucking demanding. (and also, hes wearing the collar *right fucking now)*. he shoves benreys hand up his shirt and shivers the moment he makes contact with gordons burning-hot flesh. and hes demanding that benrey touch him already, jesus, hes losing his mind! and benreys just crooning at him, “bossy, huh,” but hes scritching gordons ears and palming at his side and nosing at gordons neck and gordon starts to feel like hes melting into it. his protests at being talked down to are perfunctory at best

benrey licks a stripe up gordons neck and starts muttering his stupid horseshit right in gordons ear and it makes gordon clutch his shoulders so tight, claws digging into the meat of him. benreys kind of into it, though, and it just makes him laugh, low and harsh and right in gordons ear. that just makes gordons problem worse. he lets out quiet, nasal whines on every exhale, like a literal fucking dog.

he starts teasing, like, “haha, you’re *gagging* for it, bro,” but gordon doesnt respond with the defensiveness he expects. instead, its like opening a floodgate - he is, hes fucking *desperate*, okay, his dick hasnt gone down in days and he wants benrey so bad he cant see straight and he cant stop thinking about him and all of this comes tumbling out of him at once. gordons trying to press himself as close to benrey as he can physically get, legs straddling benreys lap and arms clutched tight around his back. and when benrey prods a little more, tells gordon to say what hes been thinkin about, gordon starts to pant, squeezing his eyes shut. but he cant bring himself to do anything more than choke and stutter on the words

hes half-hard in his underwear already (and, lets be be clear, he was only in boxer briefs and a tank top to begin with. hes sweating buckets and its the least amount of clothing he could get away with wearing around the house) and his tails thumping a mile a minute and hes so far gone, just from benrey talking down to him and kissing his neck and scratching his ears. but hes not budging yet, so benrey slides that hand on his ears over to his ponytail and *yanks*. tells him, “speak.” gordons dick twitches rapidly, and he lets out a sharp sound, and he finally says it: he needs benrey to *fuck* him, jesus

benrey lets out a harsh breath at that. “yeah? thats what puppy wants?” and the nickname should blister him, make him feel to embarrassed to continue, but gordons too desperate to care. he just starts spewing a litany of “god yes”s and “please”s. hes getting harder and harder, pressed up against benreys belly, and benrey can *feel* it. “good boy,” he mutters, and those claws dig harder, that panting gets louder and harsher

he slips a hand around to gordons back, rubbing slowly for a moment as if to soothe him, and then slides it under the back of gordons boxers. and lower still. starts rubbing at gordons hole. that gets a quiet “oh god” out of gordon.

gordon cant help himself - he rocks forward against benrey, just a little, rubbing his bulge against what he realizes is benreys *extremely* hard dick in his sweatpants. hes not the only one whos got it bad. but he *is* the only one whispering, “fuck, fuck, fuck,” as benrey pushes a little further, makes as if hes about to breach gordon dry. the poor guys so needy that he probably wouldnt even argue!

but benrey just stares at him, wide eyed and flushed, mouth hanging open a little. gordons so hot for this that it surprises the both of them.

anyway after some boring position finagling benrey coaxes gordon onto his hands and knees, running a broad hand down gordons shaking back. and he pulls back gordons tail, exposing him. its so fucking humiliating - gordons got his face buried in a pillow, and his ass in the air, and hes never felt so *vulnerable* before. he wants to argue, he wants to lift his head and look back to make sure that everythings, like, okay back there - benreys staring at his entire asshole, okay, and he wasnt exactly anticipating benrey making a house call to fuck him in the ass - but every time he lifts his head, or starts to say something neurotic about it, benrey chides him about it. clicks his tongue. tells him, “hey. dogs dont talk” or “i said *bow*, bro”.

for all his insisting that hes a real guy, that hes not just a dog, gordons feeling less and less like a human and more like something in thrall to his instincts. the condescension rankles like it always does, but doing what benrey tells him to feels good. feels natural. presenting himself like this feels like what hes *supposed* to do. it doesnt stop him from running his mouth entirely, but it helps to mitigate some of the embarrassment.

and then… benrey *licks*. gordon tenses and gasps. he doesnt know how benrey can stand it, its gotta be, like, unhygienic! but that didnt scare him off the last time they tried this, and its not like gordon hasnt thought about it since. hes thought about it a lot, actually. but hes been too neurotic to ask for it. benreys not stupid, though. hes a good dog owner (at least, so he thinks) and hes gonna take care of his dog. so he licks again, and again, pressing a little harder against gordons hole on each pass with the broad side of his tongue until he dares to breach it with the tip.

gordons rock hard again in an instant. his dick hangs between his legs and drips onto the sheets. he digs his fingers into the pillow now, tearing holes in its surface with those sharp nails of his, and he makes embarrassingly high noises that he muffles into into the pillow, too. hes tense, hes so fucking tense, he should be clamping down and making benreys task really fucking hard, but theres bright pink sweet voice dripping from his hole and benreys rubbing the side of his thigh in an effort to soothe him and both of these things work in tandem to get him to relax. and benrey works his tongue in further, further than a human ought to.

the tip was one thing, but it gets wider as benrey pushes it in, and its just as good as it was before - better, even, because now its just the two of them, just a master and his dog, and benreys the only one he wants to see him like this. bent over and whimpering. he cant— he cant stomach the thought of anybody else doing this to him. hell, there was a point once where the idea of stomaching *benrey* doing this to him would have made him laugh. but here he is. benreys fucking him open with his tongue and pressing against something thats making him see stars and gordon just wants *more*. he says it so sweet, too, voice growing hoarse and raw as he begs benrey to just fucking do it already, he doesnt wanna come like this!

gordon gets so worked up and emotional about it that benrey takes the time to scratch behind his ears again, shushing him and telling him to chill. benreys got him. hes been a good dog, and good dogs get treats. hearing the words “good dog” makes gordons entire body flush. thats all he wants, really. he wants to be a good dog. he wants to be *told*. he blurts out, “oh my god— say it again,” and benreys like, “huh? say what? youre gonna have to be more specific,” clicking the last syllable. it makes all the hairs on gordons head rise and prickle with shame. the best he can do is mumble it into his pillow.

benrey hears it, though, and tugs at gordons collar from behind, just enough to raise his head. “whassat? you want me to call you a good boy?” gordon cant bring himself to answer that directly, but his stupid body betrays him by making him whine. jesus christ, yes, thats all he WANTS! he needs benrey to be good and nice to him for once in his fucking life and give him what he wants instead of taking, taking, taking! but benrey just tells him that hes gonna have to earn it. gonna have to be *real* good for him. gordon could fucking snarl at that, but benreys pulling back to rub his dick between gordons cheeks and against his hole and that shuts him up pretty fast because hes *so close* to getting what he wants and hes not about to fuck it up now by running his big dumb mouth

and then… he starts to push in. that sweet voice has loosened gordon up enough to take even benrey, who, uh, is definitely the bigger of the two, in that regard. he goes slow, uncharacteristically so, and gordons chest heaves with the force of how hard hes breathing. a quiet string of “oh god”s spills out of him as he tries to crane his neck back to watch. the head breaches him with a strange popping sensation, and benrey groans, loud, as the rest of him slides in with little resistance in comparison. “good,” he pants in turn, “youre takin it so good,” and—

and gordon comes, in weak, aborted spurts. it snuck up on him. he clenches so fucking tightly that it winds benrey a little. he breathes out, “whoa. did you—” but gordon just begs him to shut up, keep going, hes not— hes not done yet, its always like this, its not *enough*. his dick barely even flags afterward, it just hangs there, achingly hard and dripping with cum. benrey cant even find it in himself to make fun of him. he wants it so fucking bad, doesnt he? and he feels so good, so fucking tight and slick around benrey that the only thought running through his head is “gotta take care of my dog gotta fuck my best friend gotta nut in him and make him howl”. so he pushes himself alllll the way in until theyre pressed together, skin to skin.

then he starts to move. slow, careful thrusts, more for benreys benefit than gordons. if hes not careful, hes gonna blow his load, right then and there, and hes trying to make it good for gordon, too, okay? unlike *some* of them, hes not gonna bust in two minutes and then spend the next half hour crying and trauma-dumping to the guy hes still got his dick inside of.

once he thinks hes got a grip, though, benrey starts fucking him in earnest, and that changes gordons vocalizations from weak little whimpers into something louder. less restrained. hes given up any pretense of being quiet so that his other selves dont hear that hes snuck his boytoy into his room. just loud, wordless moans on each thrust, initially muffled into the pillow but soon spilling into the wider room when he turns his head to catch his breath. the only words hes managing are “oh god” and “please” and “benrey, benrey, *benrey*”, and benrey just responds to him like, “yeah? thats good? fuuuck, bro, so good for me,” all short of breath and barely able to speak himself

he wants to see gordons face. he *needs* to see gordons face. needs to see what hes doing to him, needs to see that cute fuckin blush of his. so he tugs on gordons collar again, bringing him to his hands and knees properly instead of that bowing position. and then further still - pulls him back so that benreys on his knees, and gordons on his knees in turn, on his lap, cock still buried inside of him and fucking him in short, hurried thrusts. “paws up,” benrey tells him, and gordon does it. instantly. no resistance. just folds them at his chest like a real dog would.

“whos a good boy?” benrey croons, right in his ear again. gordon gasps, “i-i am!”

“yeah? youre a good boy?” nod, wail. “whose— whose good boy are you?”

and gordon chokes on his response. he cant say it, he *cant*, he doesnt want to be benreys but he does, he *does*. he doesnt want to be benreys because its not fucking fair! he cares so fucking much! so much more than benrey does, it feels like, obsessing over the guy like hes wrapped thorny vines all around gordons heart and he cant so much as shift in his seat without feeling the tug and the ache and thinking of benrey again. and benrey doesnt care, he never fucking cares, except—

except he showed up at gordons house, in his room. without even being asked. like he knew something was wrong. and he— hes always talking to gordon, shooting him stupid texts just to make him laugh. scheduling *date nights* for them. date nights where, yeah, maybe they couldnt see each other in person, and maybe they always end in some kind of depraved sexual act, but its not like gordons not into it. hes frighteningly into it, actually. and hes *so* into hearing benreys voice, low and crooning, right in his ear, and seeing him lean on an elbow and smile at him afterward. its— its practically genuine. and benreys always making excuses to talk with him, do things with him, watch stupid fucking movies that only gordon cares about and stream with him on twitch to help boost his subscriber count and—

and—

oh god. maybe he *does* care. that might be more terrifying than the alternative.

then benrey yanks the collar again. presses the whole of gordons back against his front in one hot, unbroken line. and asks, “i said, whose good boy are you, bro? *speak.*”

“benrey,” he blurts out, a ragged moan, “d-dont make me sa-AY it, oh god—”

“no?” benrey stills suddenly. his hands keep gordon stuck in place, unable to move or bounce or feel benrey shift inside of him. “thats, uh… thats too bad, friend. this trains for good boys only. good dogs go to heaven 2. no bad dogs allowed. gonna have to, uhh, escort you off—”

“im not a bad dog!”

“i dunno, gordo. bein’ kind of, uh… disobedient.”

(sorry. thats all i got . byeeee)

[hela2romantikos]

vicki, mi pequeño mundo.. 

i imagine you remembered who you are. we go finding ourselves in bits and pieces, day by day. in this ‘break up’ something really fell and shattered inside of me. maybe you don’t respect so much my decisions in the last few weeks, but honestly im just wandering around looking for myself. and i can’t really apologise to you for that. im dipping my feet in some familiar but different waters, and of course the truth i find is that this social bubble mostly just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. but i’m looking for answers, and that is one. it tells me things, the breaking of illusions, it brings me closer to my own personal truth. i can’t waste so much energy trying to fit in to something that just seems to reject me anyhow. and actually i think i’ve decided to stay in Bogotá, of course i can’t define an entire city based on one very closed and small social group, but it doesn’t excite so much my imagination the idea of living here. the next stop in my little vacation to search for answers will be Armenia. it will be hard, in that room i still haven’t put away all our little artefacts in a bag in the closet, and Pereira is full of memories.. at the same time ill be occupied by other things. ill celebrate my moms birthday, be annoyed by andrés haha, and i’ve got a book by Virginia Woolf that i’ve been waiting for the right moment to read. it will be perfect, and ill have nothing but time to think things over.

with you the world was certainly a brighter place, its hard to think of the future in the face of this great emptiness i feel. but life is full of surprises, i know that much, and behind every other corner is a little piece of gold. 

im happy you left your room, because as disappointing as the social world can be, or as full of illusions, it is also for me something like a confrontation with the world. to imagine and form opinions of things in a closed room will probably always bring us drifting away from reality in some way, at least for me, experience has always always proved me wrong. just when i feel to understand someone or something this is another curve in that path towards understanding. maybe a party, or a classroom, is just as natural as a wild forest, and so its gotta be deep down more complex than we can imagine, just as impossible to understand. on the surface its all so predictable, but under the surface its full of mysteries. anyways, i’ve played around in those environments and im pretty tired already, its time to be alone again. in some way things are richer in privacy, i feel more free, so much more free. 

(((( an opinion: a party should be a place 2 play, to escape the usual social dynamics and let go and make fun of things. unpredictable and stupid. childlike and illogical. if its an environment 2 be cool and mysterious, 2 be proud, 2 feed off of attention and put yourself in a higher position than others than i can’t stand it. i can’t stand a serious party. )))) 

i probably sound to be writing in a tone of sad acceptance, of moving on in life with that big emptiness inside me, of accepting the death of something so precious, of grief and slow return. in some way yes, but at the same time i have never been so emotionally stubborn in my life. first i think, i probably have written more in the past 3 months of all this crisis than i ever did when we were together, the experiment to keep writing is also the effort to create something new, just more sediment of words and thoughts and feelings to stand on together. for me its a drive towards the future. its hard to communicate certain things in a subtle way, i can’t in the moment throw all my raw thoughts and feelings to you, it would be too much, but i want to say that i could never except this ‘ending’ as the true end of our story together. already that story has continued. as i write you it expands. - jared