#maybe ill chicken out n delete this ask later

[ardate]

looks like someone wanted an ask yk i'll actually like not shitpost on an ask for once and ask an actual question what do you think is one of the things you've done that has improved you as a person the most? not like a project that made you feel satisfied or anything but just something that taught you a really important lesson about yourself/the world that you still hold today ime interested to know :)

also if you suddenly had to fight the entire government of france where would you want to have that fight and why i lied i was shitposting in the end

It's something I had already mentioned in an ask a loonnng time ago but I can't find it so to make it Not So Long (I'll try); I don't talk about it too much, but I 'used to' have serious anger issues. 'Used to', in quotes, because it's not something I managed to just erase, but I'm proud of having worked on and managed to overcome it.

My father sure gave me many things including this. It's something that needs constant work everyday, and god knows I've been at it for a long long time, but I think I've done a great job. I even get told by people that I'm the most level-headed person they know, which is kind of incredibly funny when you live in my head, but it's also the best compliment I can get and a genuine proof of how far I've come.

As for your second question. Buddy you know I'd march to Paris 1789 style to go burn down the Elysée myself with Macron and his whole government stuck in it if I could. Or I'd kill them with my fists maybe, I haven't done any boxing in a while. Oh the colorful fantasies in my mind <33

[playbucky]

School Crush

Requested by Anon - I just want some soft Dad!Bucky. Maybe where his 5yr old son asks him what to give a girl on Valentine’s Day only to turn out he has a little crush on his teacher who Bucky later falls in love with. You can add or delete anything you want. Characters – Dad!Bucky, OC Cole, Reader Word count – 1170

‘Daddy?’ ‘Yeah, buddy?’ Bucky asked, looking away from the road for a second. ‘What do you get a girl that you like?’ Cole asked him, he was shocked before a second before he tilted his head to the side. ‘Maybe some sweets and a soft toy.’ He said, Cole’s face lit up and nodded. ‘Could I get her some sweets?’ He asked excitedly, Bucky smiled and nodded. ‘Of course, we’ll make a stop on the way back home.’ Bucky told him, as he looked in the rear view mirror as Cole smiled widely.

‘Miss Y/N?’ Cole asked, you turned to him and smiled. ‘Cole.’ You said, bending down so you were at his height. ‘I got you this.’ He held out the small bag, you took it from him and a looked inside, packets of sweets were at the bottom, you smiled. ‘Oh, their my favourite, you shouldn’t have.’ You told him, he smiled sweetly as you, his blue eyes bright as his cheeks flushed red. You rocked forward on the balls of your feet before barely pressing a kiss to his forehead. Cole looked shocked before turning around to Bucky, who was smiling widely but his eyes portrayed shock. Cole laughed loudly before turning around and running away to join his friends. ‘I’m sorry, he said he wanted to get the sweets for his valentines.’ Bucky apologised, you waved a hand at him. ‘It’s fine, honestly.’ You replied, smiling widely as he nodded. ‘He’s not the only one that has gave me something, first time I got a sweets though, it’s mainly cards.’ You informed Bucky.

‘Dad?’ Cole asked, Bucky looked down at him. ‘Yeah, buddy?’ He asked, taking the rucksack that Cole handed him. ‘Could Y/N come over tonight for dinner?’ He asked. ‘I don’t think she would want to.’ Bucky said, Cole shook his head slightly his hair falling onto his forehead. ‘She was upset today, and you always say a dinner makes you feel better.’ Cole said, using his own words against him. Bucky ran a hand over his chin as you stepped out the building, before sighing. ‘You’d have to asked her.’ Bucky told him, he nodded before walking back over to you. You smiled at him but it didn’t reach your eyes like it normally did, and your shoulders were slumped over. Cole was talking to you and you looked at Bucky making sure it was okay, he nodded before you turned back to Cole. ‘Y/N would like to have dinner?’ Cole asked you, you cleared your throat and looked up to Bucky, who was standing a couple of steps away. He could see you were tense and tired, but he didn’t want to force you so the looked at Cole. ‘Yeah, I’d like that.’ You told the pair of them, Cole smiled widely and turned to Bucky. ‘Great, I can’t promise anything five star but I have decent chicken nuggets and mac and cheese.’ Bucky said, you smiled slightly. ‘Better than any restaurant.’ You replied, Bucky smiled before Cole took your hand and started walking you to Bucky’s car.

It had been six months since you had the dinner with Bucky and Cole, everyday at school you were greeted by the pair, who were really similar, sometimes it was scary. You had also been on a few play dates with Cole, and a few lunches. But the cold that had been going around all the kids had finally caught up to you, but had become ten times worse. So when you phone the head of the school this morning, she heard how rough you were sounding before you even told her you were ill. Having spent the day in front of the large window, wrapped in a blanket as a little fresh air came through the window, allowing you to breath easier and taking all the tablets you could you were determined to reach your bed. Shutting the window you ‘Bucky, what are you doing here?’ You asked, he froze slightly before he looked down, the tips of his ears were turning pink. ‘Cole was worried that you weren’t in school today and made me come over.’ He said, his eye flitting about not make eye contact with you. ‘It’s just a cold, don’t worry.’ You said, you voice was thick. ‘Let me make my drink?’ He offered. ‘You’re drink?’ You asked, an eyebrow raised. ‘Yeah, my mum made it for me and Steve when we got sick.’ He said, you looked at him and nodded before stepping aside and he stepped in, looking around your apartment before spotting the kitchen and marched across to it. ‘What’s the real reason you’re here, Bucky?’ You asked as he handed you the large cup, the lemon and honey smelled amazing and tasted even better when you took a sip of the warm liquid. ‘How’d you know?’ He asked, ducking his head slightly. ‘The tips of your ears turn pink when you’re lying, just like Cole.’ You informed him, reaching up and tapping your ears. ‘Cole told me that you weren’t in today, and I panicked a little.’ He admitted. ‘Why?’ You asked him, wrapping your hands around the warm mug. ‘I don’t know, just something in me wanted to come and make sure that you were okay.’ He said, you smiled slightly. ‘Well I’m good don’t worry, I’ll be back to school for Cole in two days.’ You told him, he nodded before shaking his head once. ‘I don’t think it was about Cole is was worrying about.’ He said, you raised an eyebrow as you took another sip of the warm drink. ‘What?’ You asked him. ‘I like you.’ He admitted, you froze. ‘Bucky?’ You questioned. ‘No, I really like you. I haven’t felt this way about anyone except from Dot.’ He said, you jaw dropped slightly it was only the second time he had told you about Dot, but from the way he looked when he talked about her you could tell he loved her dearly. ‘I really shouldn’t have done this.’ He said, shaking his head you looked at him confused. ‘Done what?’ You asked. ‘Cornered you in your house and admitted it, should’ve waited till you were back at school told you in the playground and run away.’ He said, motioning around your house before rubbing the back of his neck as you let out a hoarse chuckle, you winced as it turned into a coughing fit. ‘Oh god.’ You groaned once you were able to get your breath back. ‘You good?’ He asked, you nodded as you took some deep breaths. ‘How about we wait until I’m better before we talk about dates?’ ‘Dates?’ He asked, whipping his head back around to you, his eyes wide. ‘Yeah, I mean you should hear what all the teachers say, men and women, about the handsome brunette that is adorable with his son, I’d be amazing to bag a guy like him.’ You said, smirking as you watched the pink take over Bucky’s cheeks.

[gojosgf]

the lil things that happened to me, bc im tired of just kind of lying about it. i will never reblog this but ill never delete it.

tbh me having struggled in my life are quite still fresh on me, considering i lived with not knowing i had dyspraxia until late highschool years n it was like.. oh uve been pushed into this dilemma sorry we got to it so late n cant do much but u might not graduate like the rest! n at first i was mad,, but it was my parents fault because they were probably the biggest factor in my esteem and idea of myself and being extremely religious they were conservative within themselves so like me saying i may so have a disorder on top of another  disorder that i refused to tell them bc they already ruled out that people with disabilities were possessed n unless i wasnt in a chair n had a speech impediment i didnt fit the bill of having a disability. but whenever i brought it up they shunned it. 

i feel like i didnt get that much support back when i was younger, however no one approached me enough to actually have proof on that so it was always me against the rest. also being dejected to racial bullying which also considered anti-blackness��against me in the private school i used to go to i felt like a wreck i never was in a good state there, and i was always labelled as the weird one my grades were bad all along with my delusions on other things to where it was the first time i a first grader was sexually harrassed and then later in the year i reinvented the expireince in my head and blamed a kid for touching my leg even tho im sure he didnt i got my lesson tho bc i was threatened by the principal

i feel like it was i moved to a public school that things just didn't work for me along with being abused and of other things but i was also socially aware by then on me being the pastors child meant for me that i was always treated diff than others and even with church kids i was always a diff air there was hostility between me and them. thus i can admit i really never had any friends at all, just people to talk to but i feel like in random times it really showed i had no friends like when i use to eat in the bathroom but all the while my appreance ruined and i felt horrible about myself

tbh it was about freshman year that i realized that i was always not letting mysekf have that break have that allowance to just be me after being told so many times that it wasnt “ valid “ by parents by social things n by school n i feel like i wilted. i wilted whenever i acted like my parents abuse physically and mentally didnt hurt me, what i hated the most was how i always felt like id learn a lesson from this and grow strong n i did but not when it came to me?

thats why i always seeked to help other people out other than my own problems? i was so used to letting myself be a refugee camp for other peoples wars but never myself i was so okay with embracing other peoples pains but stepped over mines? truthfully it was bc of this aunt who embraced me when i young and vulnerable and treated me like the mom i never had, but when she left me i just felt so inhumane. what was worst that there’s never a way to not forget her, because an expirience with her left a mark on me. when i was six i fell and cracked open my toe and scared my eyebrow and she was there healing me and promising me empty things that i gulped down like a flower in need of light. and a little hope in me thot maybe someone like that could come again but they didnt and in fact when one did they took advantage of me in a car 

i dont know why but i hate how embrace it with open arms, and try not to let it get to me on nights alone. i think its bc when it happened n i came like a mess to my parents who screamed at me and made me feel like i was the one at fault i just automatically fell into that agreement. which is why i never harmed myself back then just allowed cries on cries.

i kind of looked at people who did harm themselves better in a stupid way, like wow there really going thru something and in crying about something stupid i shouldnt think like that i should stop crying and improve myself

but i never did

and i just let myself rot in that form of forgiving cruelty and a thorned idea of apathy when i was wreck of just wanting to be accepted in anything. the validation of just being youre okay theres nothing wrong with it but whenever i posted a thing about my life i chickened out and deleted it too worried about people thinking i wanted some attention

theres been so many times ive come on this website a complete wreck and acting like i just came out having a fresh good day whered id be in chats giggling along but close to overdosing myself in the bathroom it was also another notion of people who actually needed me to like my friend vex who had been taken advantage of by a prick n im rarely there for them now bc of predicaments im in now it made me scared the idea of leaving them for my selfish thinkings

tbh i still think this way thats why me posting this is a big deal to me because i never do this and never come out. 

i dont want any comforting words or asks about it i just want it to be here acknowledged or not i want to have this small peace with myself.