#maybe if i am thinner ill be prettier | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lightsandlostbells · 7 years ago

Text

SkamFr Episode 6 reaction

For some reason the read-more keeps getting removed from my long-ass posts even though I make an effort to put it in, I apologize for that.

This episode contained some really great things (Alex 💖💖!) and also made me able to articulate something about the remake that is part of why, despite having things I’ve enjoyed, I don’t feel it is that emotionally resonant. It lacks fragility.

Clip 1: Lucas gets the dirt from Emma

You know I don't have a problem with Yann being a skateboarder or whatever, that's where they're going with his character, but it low-key exasperates me because (as we just heard this week) Jonas was into skateboarding because Marlon Langeland was. Similar example, Sana played basketball because Iman Meskini plays basketball in real life. I believe Eva’s Black Swan costume was a nod to Lisa Teige being a dancer. Is Yann’s actor into skateboarding IRL? I don't know. Maybe he is. But by sticking to the original characters so slavishly, they're missing on opportunities to personalize them and play to the actors’ strengths. Like these are really simple things they could do to differentiate the characters to make it more of a personalized production.

I mean it’s totally fine and even a little charming if Yann is kind of a crappy skateboarder, lmao (I am not an expert).

I forgot how much Isak leads into this conversation with Eva, trying to get the details. But that actually makes more sense to me because in this version, Lucas just sits down, asks if everything is okay, and then Emma confesses right away. If this has been weighing on her (which it has), she could have told one of her girls, who would have been a “safer” choice to tell? Maybe not Daphne, but Manon wouldn’t have cared and wouldn’t have any reason to tell Yann - ignoring Lucas’ real motivation at this point, he is also Yann’s BFF and might feel a sense of loyalty to him. Any way you look at it, not a great person to confess to. Isak was at least leading Eva a bit and encouraging her to open up, so it makes sense that she would cave and share with him in that moment.

I never noticed before but at the beginning of the original clip you can see Isak and Eva walking together, cute.

No offense to these actors but Lisa and Tarjei are the ones from the original I miss most. For all of the social media for Lucas and Emma that makes them seem like good friends, within the clips themselves I don't really feel like they're close.

Clip 2 - girls at lunch

On the one hand, I get why they picked episodes 7 and 8 to merge, gossip travels fast and I could see these events unfolding rapidly. On the other hand, there’s a lot of really weighty material in these episodes so it’s unfortunate.

So the big thing here is obviously that Alex hooked up with a girl! I saw the post about the actress confirming her as bi, so that’s terrific. What would be great is if this was integrated into future seasons - what if Kasper was a girl??? A deeply weird girl. I would be all kinds of into it. Or just keeping up the trend of her casually talking about girls, having her chime in to correct Vilde/Daphne’s ill-advised comments about lesbians, etc.

This is also pretty big because she’s apparently out, at least to her friends? There’s not going to be a coming out season for her unless it’s for her family or something. So should they decide to do an Alex season or involve her sexuality in a future storyline, it would be from the perspective of someone who is already open and seemingly comfortable in her sexuality. I seriously hope they do some exciting stories with this piece of information.

Poor Daphne clinging to her delusions. Her enthusiasm about double dating with Emma, Alex, and Charles is so sad.

Were the jerseys in the previous episode at all? Manon being like “I can’t stand seeing you in this jersey” when it’s the first time Daphne’s worn it (though I agree, once is enough). I checked and Daphne wasn’t wearing one, she had on some cute sweaters. Did Charles have to like ... order one in her size ... and the shipping took a week ... because that was a big thing to overlook, costuming wise.

I was going to say that they could have shot the rest of the scene in the cafeteria, with Manon pointing out girls in there wearing the jerseys, but we got Manon taking Daphne by the hand so that was nice. And I guess it might be awkward for Daphne to realize this at the lunch table.

OK, Emma launching herself at Yann for a makeout session during this heartfelt moment where Manon is trying to make Daphne feel better about a boy not liking her is rather insensitive. Read the room, Emma. (I know she’s trying to alleviate her guilt. It’s still pretty WTF.)

I know that a lot of criticism has been directed at the remake sticking to closely to the original, and I’ve certainly done my share of this, but I’m really disappointed they choose to cut Vilde’s line about feeling like there was something wrong with her. It was so raw and heartbreaking and real and it’s too bad that of all the things they’ve been keeping the same, they got rid of that part. For example, the Alex and Lucas “flirting” could have been cut to make room for that line; that moment felt forced and stilted anyway, and it’s the exact thing they should be cutting if they’re having to compress the story for time.

Clip 3 - confronting Charles

I thought the whole bit about Vilde not having dignity was one of the less excusable Sana moments from S1 since it’s not directed at something Vilde did wrong or said to help her, but Alex snorting after Imane says it is probably an added sting for Daphne.

Charles is the fucking worst. I feel like he’s even worse than William at this point, tbh. He just seems smarmier and sleazier. I’m not saying the actor’s bad or anything, I just find this dude to have an extra layer of creep. William seemed kind of checked out of the Vilde confrontation, what is this interrupting my day, Charles seems more deliberately trying to twist the knife.

Uhhhh I guess it’s nice that Charles and Alex have more of a friendship and Alex can tease him about getting verbally shredded by Manon and all but he was also cool with standing there as his best bro told a girl that he fucked that she wasn’t pretty enough for him so frankly, Raptor Alex is the worst, too.

I will go into Manon at the end but this moment was fine, it wasn’t my favorite thing she did this episode but I thought she showed more fire this week than in previous ones.

I also missed the moment where Vilde called Sana out on throwing water in Ingrid‘s face and Sana replies that she had a good reason for that because it was a little reminder of that incident and foreshadowing to the reveal of why she did it. I get why they cut it but it might’ve been nice since I’ve seen more divided opinions on Imane and whether, in making Daphne less offensive and less willing to speak up for herself, they’ve made Imane seem unnecessarily rude.

But also, in watching the original clip, I think Vilde was inspired or bolstered by Sana’s comments not to confront William (who are you to tell me what to do, you just put me down, you’re telling me not to ruin things when you also caused a scene) and Noora‘s encouragement (Noora had previously comforted her and given her the idea to confront him).

Clip 4 - The fight

Depending on your POV, the fourth wall breakage about a Norwegian tv show was either groan-worthy or cute. I thought it was sweet.

What kind of books do you think Daphne reads? I assume, much like Vilde, she reads exclusively The Secret, The Game and other self-help/relationship manuals.

I also liked Emma calling Manon “Booba” and giving her that little shoulder squeeze.

You know I never realized quite how much this would’ve been embarrassing for Vilde. Not just because of what William said, but because that was supposed to be her moment. Confronting William was supposed to be her proving to be a badass. Instead William cruelly put her down in public, and instead it was Noora who got to be the badass. You know, Noora, who in Vilde’s eyes is prettier, thinner, and cooler than she is, and who William instantly has an attraction to (not that Vilde got to see this). Vilde’s words didn’t land a blow to William at all, but Noora managed to leave William speechless. He didn’t put Noora down, it was Noora he was impressed with. So even when the girls are like good job, Noora, about this epic moment that Vilde didn’t see because she had to walk off in shame and hurt, Vilde’s empowering moment was snatched away from her. Ouch.

Manon was a boss in this fight. I kind of hate the term “mama bear” but that’s what came to mind here.

The fight itself went on for too long, Manon’s excellence aside. It also made me think that a physical fight inside the school would be a more serious deal than a fight outside of it, in the sense that teachers/adults are definitely going to notice. IDK how French school works but at my high school everyone involved would be hauled off to the principal’s office right away.

Clip 5 - Emma on the steps

The bit with Emma being called a whore on Facebook - I wouldn’t say that’s a NICE touch, but it adds to the aspect of social media being used for bullying.

Yeah Ingrid is straight up intimidating. Manon is like a little mouse beside her. But lmao at Sarah immediately folding when Manon stood up.

I did like Ingrid stepping in front of Sarah. That’s her girl.

THEIR INSTAGRAM POSTS ARE SO DRAMATIC. JESUS.

Clip 6 - Manon comforting Emma

The scene was cute, especially Emma starting to sing along.

I legit do not care what anyone ships but I’m so ????? at how people could ship Manon and Charles at this point except by already being a Noorhelm fan and having the knowledge that they are a future couple. Because like ... if you were watching this not having seen the original show, Charles’ role has to been to be a jerk to a girl he slept with and spoil this lovely moment between two friends in order to deliver some rapey as fuck dialogue about how No is a Yes in waiting. WTF. I don’t want to get into the discourse but he is deeply creepy here!

I would not be surprised if Blurred Lines is Charles’ cheer-up song of choice.

I kind of laughed about Manon watching House of Cards because isn’t House of Cards considered a prestige show, Spacey scandal aside? I watched several seasons of it; although it is like a political soap opera, I thought it was supposed to be kind of an award bait. It doesn’t seem that weird that Manon would watch it even if she’s not a TV person, lol. But maybe it is, I don’t know! I thought Suits was more of a sort of guilty pleasure procedural but I’ve never seen that show, so maybe my perception is all wrong.

Clip 7 - Daphne’s extraordinary meeting

Alex’s hair is indeed very pretty. Nice job.

Soooo this scene.

In the original, while Vilde tells the story about Ingrid and Jonas, the camera stays on a close-up of Eva’s miserable, guilty face while memories of what happened flash by in her mind. In the remake the camera focuses a lot on Daphne as she’s telling the story, with some shots of the group, and only cuts to Emma for a few short moments. The result is that this scene is much less emotionally effective. Yes, I already know the story, I know the twist, perhaps that matters. But I’m not deep in Emma’s pain. You really feel it with Eva, how her past is coming back to haunt her and how her mistakes are being exposed in front of her new friends against her will, and she probably feels like she deserves it. When I watched the original scene, I felt gutted for her. Here the emphasis is on Daphne’s judgmental face as she tells a story that she’s not personally involved in. That creates an emotional disconnect. This is the moment that should make us understand Eva’s behavior over the season even further, this is the moment that should explain the mysterious feud with Ingrid, this is a defining moment for Emma’s character and it’s not hers.

I do like that Daphne seem almost like she’s appealing to Manon by saying that people should know not to steal boyfriends, because that is the kind of thing that feminist Manon would be strictly against. Although obviously the attempt backfired.

Also lol at them working on the party “for months” it’s been one month since you even formed the squad! Though I do think it’s implied Daphne has been working on it for longer, and that she doesn’t want her pet project to be ruined.

The bit about Imane saying you stand for your friends “even when they don’t deserve it" was added from what I can tell; I think that’s a decent part though it might kind of be unnecessary, like sometimes less is more, the point is still there even without it, we get that Daphne just messed up. It’s not a huge sin or anything but there are a few occasions where I think the dialogue has been too on the nose (like Yann being all WOW SO MUCH TRUST BETWEEN US right after Emma cheated).

I do like Alex comforting Emma. I think Alex is a little more OK with confrontation then Chris was. Chris was a little flustered and didn’t know quite how to respond in the original, and we later saw that sometimes she struggled with how to be there for her friends, and Alex seems a little more chill with open displays of supporting her friends. She’s a very chill character in general.

Clip 8 - Yann and Emma in the skatepark

Time to talk about fragility.

When I think of Skam at its best, that is something which comes to mind. Not fragility of storytelling, but fragility in its emotions. Stripping away all the bullshit that you encounter in everyday life that leads you to put on a mask and say hollow words, as well as cutting out all the bullshit that you see in 90% of teen dramas and TV shows that go for noise and overblown, nonsensical emotions in order to produce drama, and just letting the characters say something real to each other. It’s not just about characters being sad, but being vulnerable. To be vulnerable means you can be easily broken. Fragile.

Not just Noora in the wake of her assault, but Noora telling Vilde about the nutritional benefits of potatoes as a way of talking about Vilde’s eating disorder, because to address the subject outright is too much. Not just Isak falling to the ground in tears, but Isak trying to talk around and delay his coming out to Jonas, turning it into a guessing game, because if Jonas rejects him or says the wrong thing, it would shatter him. Not just Sana crying alone in her room, but Sana writing a text to her friends explaining how much she feels she doesn’t fit in and asking her friends to forgive her.

And I heavily associate that concept with Eva’s season in particular. Every moment with her feels like we are with someone whose vulnerability is right there on the surface. Her old friends now hate her, her boyfriend seems to be keeping secrets from her, she’s struggling in school, her mom isn’t there and doesn’t know about her life, she just doesn’t know who she is. Think about how delicate a moment is the end of episode 2, when Eva is upset and can hear the boys laughing from another room, not caring, and she sees that Noora has accepted her friend request. A tiny, tiny gesture like that feels enormous. This really mundane thing because powerful because the show has demonstrated how Eva’s fragility, how much this friend request means to her.

The best scenes of Skam France, IMO, and the aspect has been working for me personally, is Daphne. And in a lot of ways, that is because she is fragile. We can see her hurt coming a mile away even if we hadn’t seen S1 before - because we can tell how much Charles means to her and how she is nothing to him. She is really, really fucking vulnerable when she puts herself out there for someone to love only to get rejected. She is vulnerable when she sends Charles a topless picture and when she tries to win back his attention. She is vulnerable when she tries to stand up for herself only to get put in her place. The show has done a good job with the actress and with demonstrating that raw, realistic pain.

Where I don’t feel that fragility is with Emma. Or Yann. Who knows if we’ll feel it with Lucas, with his upcoming parental woes and confession to Emma. But Emma is the focus of the season, and that’s a problem.

Some of it is in the acting, personally, and some of it is the writing. I know a lot of people like Emma and even prefer her to Eva because of her self-confidence, but I’m not a big fan and I think part of it is that her attitude and essence don’t work as well with the material. Like it feels less like a teenage girl having all her insecurities and mistakes bared. Again, it’s not just about Emma being sad. We have seen her sad. I don’t find her as fragile.

Another example from this episode: not focusing on Emma when hearing the true story of what happened with Ingrid. Eva’s vulnerability was the focus of that scene. We could not get away from her haunted face as she had to relive her past regrets. We missed a chance to follow how much the Ingrid incident has broken Emma.

Another non-Emma example: omitting Vilde’s line about feeling something is wrong with her and knowing she shouldn’t feel that way, an incredibly raw, wounded line we didn’t hear from Daphne.

There are several other key scenes where I think some aspect of the production has undermined a potentially vulnerable moment - what sometimes seems like the overuse of music, condensed conversations with less room for silences to speak for themselves, camera work that keeps us at a distance. Also some times where it has worked, too, I’m not saying there are no emotional moments like this, and I’m not saying that it needs to follow the original in these exact ways. But it’s a repeat issue.

This is not to say every character has to be troubled and vulnerable, by the way. But - this is a show about being young and dealing with problems. Vulnerability is vital in our ability to empathize with these characters. These are kids getting their first taste of adult problems and not knowing how to deal with them, they should be fragile. Almost all of the best coming of age films, books, and TV shows excel at depicting vulnerability. It doesn’t matter whether it’s French or Norwegian, youthful fragility is universal (and if not then why the fuck are you making a show about teenagers and their feelings).

Anyway, this scene.

This is an angry conversation. Sure I know Yann is upset. But I don’t feel that personal fragility coming from him. I have seen it before at time - like when Emma came over while he was playing video games with the boys, she made to leave, and he asked her several times to stay. Other times we’ve missed that vulnerability from him - for instance, when Jonas asked if Eva wanted a break, he genuinely seemed kind of fearful that she would say yes. When Yann asked Emma, he was throwing it in her face, and didn’t really seem afraid until she walked away and he gave her a dramatic speech.

Like Yann just skateboards up to her and doesn’t have much patience for what she says. He seems pissed. And hey, maybe that is how he expresses vulnerability, you could certainly make a case for it. But the acting and directing didn’t really make me feel it at all. It just feels like he’s angry (understandably).

However, Yann is also such a jackass here, jeeeeez. Obviously I can’t know for sure because I don’t speak French, but even his tone of voice to me sounds like he’s making fun of her. And of course he has to go on about her stupid parties and her friends, when I think Jonas seemed to mostly go for the idea that she doesn’t know what she wants. It wasn’t that Eva’s friends were dumb, it was that she changed who she was and what she wanted based on who she was with. But Yann seems to be mocking her specifically for trying to throw those parties and making fun of her friends. He's really aggravating and almost seems to resent that she’s no longer fitting into the image of what he wants his girlfriend to be. I do think Jonas did say something that cut Eva to the bone, but I don’t think he was trying to make fun of her. He was angry but he did seem vulnerable himself, not as much as Eva, but it was evident.

I do think Emma is being vulnerable here, moreso than we’ve seen her in some other scenes, but overall she doesn’t really have that vibe for me. It’s probably more effective for people who are fans of her character.

The last shot of Yann smashing his skateboard into the ground is a dramatic TV moment. The last shot of Eva sitting by herself, tiny against the skate park murals, is a fragile moment.

General Comments:

This was a really big week for Manon. The scenes were a little hit and miss for me. I think Manon lacks the withering disdain to really nail scenes like telling off Charles, but is stronger when she’s in full on angry protector mode, like during the fight or standing up to Sarah and Ingrid. She did finally make a much stronger impression with all of her big moments.

The moments where Alex ogles Lucas don’t really work for me and I wish they’d be cut to make room for other things, but you know how it could work? If Alex and Lucas form some kind of friendship later on, gay dude/bi girl solidarity.

There was a lot of social media this week after the big events, like Manon telling off Charles, the fight, etc. and it was like a flurry of vagueposting and flinging shade all over the place. I kinda feel like it’s too much, lmao? But I also kinda think teenagers are overly dramatic on Instagram.

Because they combined episodes seven and eight, several scenes are missing from the original, for example Jonas and Eva in her bedroom while Eva texts P-Chris, Eva and Isak in her room after Jonas finds out, and Eva arguing with her mom. It’s possible some of these moments like the Isak or mom scenes could come in later, like I guess they could have Emma and Lucas hugging it out this week. I did miss that scene because it was an important moment for their friendship (also fragile...) and more painful when we learned what Isak did. I’m not feeling the friendship between Lucas and Emma that much on screen and that could have helped. However, I do understand why these where the scenes they cut.

Personally I think having time limits to the French episodes is a strong case for doing more comprehensive rewrites, but blah blah it’s in the contract blah blah.

I was pretty nitpicky this time around but it was not a bad episode, there was a lot going on.

I sure hope someone did a parody of Yann spiking his skateboard to this song.

#skamfr reactions

22 notes · View notes

war-and-peace-out · 7 years ago

Conversation

Nobody asked for this, but I am feeling nostalgic

Q. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before?

A. I went to prom, I graduated and went to college! Never been there before, It has been interesting.

Q. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

A. I did not make any resolutions because I believe if there is something you want to change about yourself, do it now. So I will not set any for this year.

Q. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A. My sister Caroline gave birth to her daughter Emily! I remember holding her this someone the second day of her life.

Q. Did anyone close to you die?

A. Unfortunately, my grandmother died. I went to her 90th birthday party in June and her funeral in September.

Q. What countries (I am changing it to states lol) did you visit?

A. Most memorable I went to Hawaii! Also the obvious, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri. Also Arkansas, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconson, Minnesota. But my favorite was New York.

Q. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017?

A. Love from a boyfriend type person.

Q. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

A. Jan 21 - Little Shop of Horrors!

Feb 2 - The day I asked Christian to sadies. One of the scariest days of the year

Feb 12 - Sadies, I thought this was the start of something great but I was wrong. Never forget losing biggest heart in the school yearbook as well.

March 13- The giver competition!! I could cry thinking I am not in theatre anymore lol.

March 15- Christian asked me to prom!!!!! Now that was a day. Still have the flower he gave me.

April 15th and 23d - celebrating my birthday and my actual birthday. Love my friends so much. Will never forget geting my first tattoo as well!

May 11- Okay so this is the day before the theatre feildtrip, and boy was that a night of realisation. I was running and crying and truley realized that I needed to start moving on.

May 28 - Senior banquet, the first goodbye

June 2- Graduation day!!

June 4 - I text christian and tell him how I feel

June 22- I saw the great comet!!

July 27- The last goodbye, CIY

Aug 17 - saying goodbye to beth

whatever move in day was

Oct 31 - an okay Halloween!

Dec 28 - mistakes

Q. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

A. my grades!

Q. What was your biggest failure?

A. my grades!

Q. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A. just random fevers

Q. What was the best thing you bought?

A. I got a bomb black cardigan from salvation army

Q. Whose behavior merited celebration?

A. Devan for being my college friend!

Q. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

A. Christian

Q. Where did most of your money go?

A. My friends, Gas, and Food.

Q. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

A. Seeing the Great Comet

Q. What song will always remind you of 2017?

A. Maybe day and night because I made a good joke about it.

Q. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c ) richer or poorer?

A. Sadder

B. Fatter

C. Richer

Q. What do you wish you’d done more of?

A. Living in the moment!

Q. What do you wish you’d done less of?

A. Crying over people who don't care about me

Q. How did you spend Christmas?

A. With my family and Christa!

Q. Did you fall in love in 2017?

A. Unfortunately no, not in the true meaning of the word anyway.

Q. What was your favorite TV program?

A. Probably star trek not going to lie

Q. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

A. Nope! Only loved more people.

Q. What was the best book you read?

A. Turtles all the way Down by John Green

Q. What was your greatest musical discovery?

A. The coffee shops in joplin play amazing music and I will hella take advantage of that via shazzam

Q. What did you want and get?

A. I wanted to loose weigth and get prettier at thebegging of the year I did. At the end of the year I wanted a new roomate and I got one.

Q. What did you want and not get?

A. I really wanted a boyfirend and a 4.0 gpa but I got a 3.9 and just a string of rejections.

Q. What was your favorite film of this year?

A. Baby Driver

Q. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

A. I turend 18, and I got a tattoo of "Prov 4.23"

Q. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A. Making a college friend so I didnt feel so alone.

Q. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017?

A. Subtley alternative. Subtley vintage. Basically I like weird stuff but I want to seem aprochable so black turtle necks across the board

Q. What kept you sane?

A. My friends. Always. I Love THEM

Q. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

A. I actually am not a fan of celebrity obsessions because they are like real people? and being obsessed with people is weird?

Q. Who did you miss?

A. Beth. I love Beth with all of my heart and leaving her 3 times this year to go to school has wrecked me.

Q. Who was the best new person you met?

A. Devan, my closest school friend, and new roommate.

Q. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017.

A. DO NoT CHAse AFTER thE WIND. Do not just "try it once". There are always consequences to actions and you will regret it later.

Q. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

A. (from Ghost Quartet my second greatest music discovery)

SCREAMED HIS NAME AND IT ECHOED THROUGH THE PINES

OH, THE DREADFUL WIND AND RAIN

#why did i do this #me #life #it was a good year I am just dramatic

1 note · View note

metaphysicalsoup · 6 years ago

Text

2018

the last and first time I wrote this out was five years ago. i liked looking back so much that i decided to make a new public blog to keep me off other negative platforms and see if looking at pretty things or writing makes me feel more productive or connected. there’s still some left to 2018 but i think this is a good place to start.

1 : What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before? got on my own lease. didn’t even need a guarantor. have been paying my own rent for 8 months. living on my own in queens. i am nearly broke. and money is tighter than it has ever been for both my parents and i. i never did think i’d meet this milestone and i’m terrified of no longer being able to live alone.

2 : Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i actually did. can you believe it? i will write them all here when i visit home and look at the water colored poster paper on my wall. i will make more. when you’re in therapy you can accomplish some amazing things.

3 : Did anyone close to you give birth? Michelle gave birth again to the cranky Samantha.

4 : Did anyone close to you die? i don’t think so actually.... but i’ve died too many times to count.

5 : What countries did you visit? still have not been out of the US

6 : What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? enough security in myself to not hate other people, and to receive the true love i want to give.

7 : What dates from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? election day, the first time i voted absentee and was actually informed on what a ballot even is. March 15th the day I started paying rent

8 : What was your biggest achievement of the year? finding a home.

9 : What was your biggest failure? losing out on 2 chances at love, not finding a better survival job. still answering phones right this minute and hating it.

10 : Did you suffer illness or injury? was sick alone for the first time and it was scary. threw up in the toilet! that’s a big deal for me because throw up is one of my large irrational fears. was glutened by the bagel place i tried to work at for 2 weekends and was never compensated at all.

11 : What was the best thing you bought? crush the fish and all his accoutrements he is a buddy when i’m lonely and something to take care of / sing to

12 : Whose behavior merited celebration? my own fuckers! i’m learning to take care of myself and how to feel conscious for the first time ever.

13 : Whose behavior made you appalled? republicans, politics. men.

14 : Where did most of your money go? rent

15 : What did you get really, really, really excited about? decorating my house

16 : What song will always remind you of 2018? anything from madeleine peyroux

17 : Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer? a - happier. this time last year i was getting acquainted with deep, dark depression for the first time. it’s still here, but i’m learning to manage. b - gained weight. but we’re out of body shaming business so that no longer equates to worth. c - poorer. so much poorer the comfy cushion is gone.

18 : What do you wish you’d done more of? gives less fucks when singing for other people, forgiving myself for mistakes

19 : What do you wish you’d done less of? hating myself over wasted time

20 : How did you spend Christmas? to be spent at home in CT. will update if any excitement ensues.

21 : Did you fall in love in 2018? almost. twice. david, brandon. i miss them both but cannot nor would choose to be with either. feeling that close hurts because you start to see your life become potentially so much easier and less lonely. until you find out they’re not in the same place.

22 : What was your favorite TV program? friends. annoying. basic. don’t care.

23 : Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? i pretty much hate girls i think are prettier or more successful than me so i’m working on that because it’s bad news bears.

24 : What was the best book you read? trying to think of a book i finished. i love to pick things up and never know the end. ministry of utmost happiness was the only book (and only non-fiction) i’ve finished in years.

25 : What was your greatest musical discovery? that i love jazz and other genres. looking forward to getting better at guitar and playing what i want to make on my own.

26 : What did you want and get? i wanted to be independent. and i got a lot of that. now i want to be less alone.

27 : What did you want and not get? i wanted fame and fortune. instead i’m a little tired and jaded.

28 : What was your favorite film of this year? a star is born maybe. because of bradley cooper’s performance and the music. and the message hits me where everything matters

29 : What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? singing - same answer as 2013

30 : How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? leggings. BOY T-SHIRTS. overalls and jumpsuits.

31 : What kept you sane? medicine. alone time. my fish. guitar.

32 : Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? alexandria ocasio-cortez a woman who i think can fix the country. lady gaga for doing her shit. i wish i could be like that.

33 : What political issue stirred you the most? the opposite of 2013 i can’t get into it because it’s too raw and that news lives on forever anyway. everything’s on fire.

34 : Who did you miss? myself whenever i get off track or get lost in the darkness

35 : Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018? don’t spend it until it’s in your bank account. stop charging things unless you really need them. walks in the park and getting out of bed are very important when you feel like you can’t lift a finger. no one out there is going to save me. and that fucking sucks.

36 : Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? Nothing's true, and nothing's right / So let me be alone tonight / 'Cause you can't change the way I am / Are you strong enough to be my man / Lie to me, I promise I'll believe / Lie to me, but please don't leave

0 notes

gencottraux · 6 years ago

Text

Unlike the father in the popular Twitter feed, book, and short-lived television show starring William Shatner, Sh*t My Dad Says (Justin Halpern), my mother was never gross or profane (God forbid!). But she still managed to fill my head with some real stinkers.

My mother was raised in a fairlt strict, upper middle-class home in the 1940s and 1950s South, where manners and social standing were emphasized. Although my maternal grandmother was a Vermont farm girl, once she and my Alabama-born grandfather moved to Atlanta when my mother was a toddler, you’d never have guessed that my grandmother had ever been north of the Mason-Dixon line.

My mother was sweet, hospitable, polite. Things I think I learned from her. She also taught me to love reading, to be kind to animals, and to always have Kleenex within reach. That’s important. We tend to drippy noses in my family, and you don’t want to be caught without a tissue! Of course, in her youth, it would’ve been monogrammed handkerchiefs.

My beautiful mother in 1969. Note the red shoes. This is important.

She taught us well. My siblings and I are all excessively polite, maybe not by Southern standards, but we tend to seem goofy anywhere else in the country. We are all neat and tidy. Although I am less neat and tidy than I used to be since I work full time, am working on my PhD, have 5 animals in the house, and live with a wonderful guy who isn’t so neat and tidy (love you, Bob).

She also imparted words of supposed wisdom that she honestly believed to be true, but which I have found have either messed with my self-image or made me wonder if I was adopted. Yes, there are baby pictures of me, and yes, I look like my mother, but still…

Every woman should own at least one pair of red shoes. She believed this, most definitely, and my sister Ellen will defend that statement with her last breath. But I beg to disagree. I have survived fine with nary a pair of red shoes in my closet. I wore red Keds as a child, so maybe that counts, but I had to wear boys’ Keds at the time because of my short, wide feet, and in the 1960s there probably weren’t a lot of color choices. I wore them because they fit, not because they were red. Ellen talked me into buying a pair of red sandals a few years ago, and during a recent closet cleanout, I realized I had NEVER worn them and put them in the charity collection bag I was filling up. I work in an animal shelter and tend to spend my spare time in my old shabby clogs that act as bedroom slippers. My shoe choices are dictated by comfort and the fact that I have bad feet (bunions, corns, hammer toes; TMI, I know) so red shoes–don’t need ’em, have no use for ’em. Sorry, Mom. And Ellen.

I think these shoes are darned cute. Not buying them, though.

Change your purse to match your shoes. Not going to happen. Ever. EVER. My mother’s closet had special shelves and cubbies for her shoes and purses. She had purses to match every pair of shoes. She kept the purses in silk bags. She paid a lot of money for the purses. When she was in hospice, one of the things she insisted on was that I take her purses. (We didn’t wear the same size shoes, or she would have made me take those too, I am sure.) I have the purses, and they are very nice. I never use them. One of them is red; she probably hoped against hope that I would buy some red shoes to go with said purse. I don’t have the time or patience to be switching purses. And again, I work at an animal shelter. I haven’t found a purse that matches my grubby black shoes I wear to clean dog kennels and cat habitats. I have 2 purses that I really like and I might switch them out every year or so, if that. In the late Nora Ephron’s book I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, she wrote a whole chapter about hating her purse and not understanding woman who spend large sums of money on collecting them.

She had the same purse “failing” that I have. I felt so much better about myself after I read her book. Just find me a bag that my stuff fits in and let me go. I’ll never find my keys on the first try no matter what magic the purse offers.

My current purse. Practical and makes a statement (Crazy Cat Lady!). Good enough for me until it wears out.

Women over 40 should never wear sleeveless attire. I bought this one for a while. Her point was that women shouldn’t expose the jiggly droopy bits that arms develop with age, unless you’re a gym rat or Michelle Obama.

The kick-ass former First Lady. Intelligent, well-spoken, poised, beautiful, and the most toned arms ever to grace the White House.

Getting old isn’t for sissies, as it’s been said. Your body changes. As noted in the title of Nora Ephron’s book, necks get crepey. Arms get droopy. Laugh lines appear around the eyes and mouth. And I do consider them laugh lines. I earned those suckers with my polite smiling. Some people call that arm fat “batwings”. People (women, really, it’s only women) even get arm lifts, or brachioplasty, from cosmetic surgeons. We’ve been made self-conscious to the point of obsession about our arms.

I spent many years living in a hot climate and avoiding tank tops and only wearing pretty sleeveless dresses if I had a cardigan on at the same time (just to cover my arms). I say, “No more!” Maybe if I had extreme, super droopy batwings, I’d feel differently. But I see a lot of people out in the world who don’t seem to care how they look. I haven’t quit caring; far from it. But if it’s hot or if I’m going somewhere fancy and want to wear a sleeveless (not strapless, that’s a different thing altogether) dress, I will.

Too cute to cover up. Okay, she has pretty arms. But still, the dress is too cute to cover up with a cardigan. (Image from ModCloth.)

Similarly, she said women over 40 shouldn’t go out in public bare-legged. Panty-hose at all times with skirts, dresses, even shorts. Hell no. Pantyhose are hot and itchy. They get runs in them. They sag around your ankles. They are expensive and don’t last long. Unless we are talking about either appropriate dress for a job interview or super fun colors and patterns of hose and tights, I am out.

You’d be prettier if you cut your hair/pushed your hair out of your face/kept your hair short. I still hear Mom’s voice telling me to cut my hair. Hey, Mom! It’s MY HAIR, not yours. This has caused me endless insecurity about my hair, the shape of my face, my eyeglasses once I had to start wearing them, my looks in general since I was a little girl. Mom used to take us to a place in Atlanta called David of Paris for pixie cuts back in the 60s. I think Monsieur David only knew how to do one hair cut. Short. Yes, it was cute when I was 5.

The David of Paris look.

Still young enough for the sleeveless look.

I’ve had short hair much of my life, and at times it has been a good look, mostly when I was thinner and going blond.

A thin-with-blond-short-hair stage. But I’m wearing a sleeveless dress and no hosiery. Not sure if Mom would approve.

Then I’d let my hair grow out because I wanted to, and Mom would start on the subtle and not-so-subtle hints for me to cut my hair, or at least pull it off my face. But preferably cut it. I’m trying to tune out that Mom voice in my head when it comes to my hair. I am mostly succeeding these days, mostly, kinda sorta…Should I cut it?

Bangs, shoulder length hair, glasses. It’s a look I am happy with. And if I have Pugcat with me, no one’s looking at my hair anyway!

If you can’t sleep, close your eyes and lie still. You’ll at least be rested in the morning. FALSE. I still try this. It does not work. Mom would tell me this most often when I couldn’t sleep the night before the first day of school every year. I would lie in bed, eyes squeezed shut, and imagine all the awful things that might happen in the upcoming school year, dread filling me, my stomach hurting. I still have sleepless nights, and I lie there, looking at the clock once in a while, thinking I’ll rest, when I’m actually a churning ball of anxiety over whether I’ll ever get to sleep. During one really bad spell of insomnia, I would throw in the towel and get up and bake in the middle of the night. I went on a quest to make the perfect morning bun–those flaky twists of buttery croissant dough, coated with cinnamon sugar and baked in muffin tins. This took quite a few batches to perfect (which I did, thanks to Nancy Silverton’s Pastries from the La Brea Bakery.

Each morning I would take the resulting pastries to work. I was exhausted, but popular. Now if I get up, it’s either to read or to write. The insomnia is generally now a case of too much caffeine in my system, but it’s just as exhausting as the dread-filled kind.

If you feel a sore throat coming on, gargle with warm saltwater. Maybe there is some truth to this, but I hated it. I suffered from a lot of sore throats growing up, and I still wish some doctor had ordered a tonsillectomy for me. But they quit doing them routinely to kids around the time I was born. My Vermont farmgirl grandmother had trained as a nurse and worked in a hospital in New York, where she met my doctor grandfather. The warm saltwater gargle was her thing. Mom would make me take a big glass of the stuff into the bathroom to gargle with anytime I mentioned a tickle in my throat. I’d still get a sore throat, and my mouth would taste of salt. Maybe it is what led to my weird love of salt now. I’ll put flakes of it on my tongue to suck on, and I adore Dutch salty licorice. Maybe I’ll try sucking on salty licorice next time I feel a sore throat coming on.

I’m sure there are gems of my own I would impart to the daughter I never had. She’d probably roll her eyes, and do just the opposite. What are my truths?

Dark chocolate makes everything better. Maybe not literally. You’ll still be ill or broke or alone. But the chocolate will make it just a little bit better somehow. I swear.

Medicinal chocolate. (Image from Scientific American.)

If you don’t believe me, do you trust Scientific American? Writer Katherine Harmon Courage descibed the health benefits of chocolate in scienctific terms in the article “Why is dark chocolate good for you? Thank your microbes.”

Your feet are too important for cheap or uncomfortable shoes. That was something my ever-wise maternal grandmother said, and I totally ignored her about this topic until I started to have trouble with my feet. Somehow my grandmother managed to wear good shoes that still looked stylish, but I haven’t managed that. I’ll stick with my flat, sensible, square-toed shoes. Have I mentioned that I work at an animal shelter?

Skechers, my shoe of choice these days.

Read every day. Pretty simple. I will brook no argument on this one.

You wouldn’t argue with this guy, would you?

Everyone should have a creative outlet. Whether it is writing, drawing, sewing, music, cooking, making models of castles out of matchsticks, whatever floats your boat. Do something that makes you happy and let’s your mind drift away from your cares and worries.

Bob Ross, The Joy of Painting, as seen on PBS.

I’ll finish with a quote from the writer C. S. Lewis (1898-1963), sent to me on my birthday by sister Ellen. “You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream.” Lewis was a brilliant man. Don’t doubt that.

C. S. Lewis

I intend to follow his advice to the end of my days.

Dream. Dream small, dream big, but dream. Don’t stop.

Mom is not always right (lies my mother told me) Unlike the father in the popular Twitter feed, book, and short-lived television show starring William Shatner, …

0 notes