#maybe i'll decide presenting my months long delusion to the internet is a bad decision

[schadenfreudich]

Okay, I have no idea if any of this is like, sane thoughts or I'm just being so very delusional.

Because back in like, August or something, I had a dream and the actual dream was very non-specific. There was this guy and he intensely stared at me. We were at a train station, though everything was foggy. It didn't even actually look like a train station, there was barely anything that wasn't just gray. And this man didn't say anything, he just looked at me, like he knew me, like he had something to tell me.

When I woke up, it felt so strangely real. It felt like he was a real person, who was trying to find me, like he had something to tell me. And while there was nothing indicating it, there was this instant "he's jewish". Something that has felt so strangely important ever since.

I was fully convinced I would see him in my dream again. But I didn't have a dream that night or any night since then, I rarely actually get dreams. But this feeling didn't go away. It just shifted to other things. He's a real person, he'll introject, he's already a headmate, stuff like that.

And none of those things happened. I didn't want to give him a name for a while because I worried it might make him introject. But I didn't want to refer to him as "the jewish man" for much longer. So we gave him a name, but it didn't feel like just a name, it felt like *his* name, which also didn't help. How could it be *his* name, if he isn't even a person.

And now, thinking about the soul lake and my innate connection to it, I have what feels like a memory and the thought of "what if *Anton* is stuck in the soul lake and needs *my* help?" because apparently know I'm also the guide for new souls or something.

Also I guess I don't feel like having to think about how we deal with headmates who have a wildly different religion. Especially not when the headmate came from a month long delusion. This wouldn't be different if he was christian or most other religions. It might be different if he was a muslim, just because we grew up muslim.

So I'm just kind of trying to avoid going to the soul lake, while I feel so very drawn to it. I must know, but I don't think I should know.