#maybe i will start getting a handle on editing again over the next few weeks

[skoulsons]

I’ll have you all know I’ve had about 23 edit ideas over the past week but have failed to actually complete anything of them because I am a major perfectionist when it comes to photo editing. not to mention I am also indecisive and while I may listen to a few lines in a song and have a brief, ethereal moment of ‘oh! I can get screenshots of these scenes and use them with these lyrics!’ it immediately leaves my head even if I try and write it down as quickly as possible and then i end up sitting there. contemplating my existence because I cannot remember the exact thought I had .02 seconds prior. and all this turns into one big emotion and I get frustrated and shut my computer.

one day. one day I will post a sad joel and ellie edit on here and giggle at all my notifications. ONE DAY

[nereidprinc3ss]

do you believe me now? | 6

in which spencer reid and inexperienced!fem reader are finally honest with each other. complete with tears and more than a few make-up kisses.

series masterlist

this series is 18+ warnings/tags: angst but mostly fluff, i think this qualifies as hurt/comfort, HHEHHEHHEH, lots of kissing, so cheesy, you jokingly imply he's a slut, i need him expeditiously a/n: thank you guys for being patient with me!! ilysm!! i edited this until i hated it but i hope it's satisfactory for YOU guys..... as always please please let me know what you think!! and i already started the next part hehehe

The car ride is the worst of your life. 

Neither of you speak. 

And you find yourself wishing, pleading to god that one of you will say something to fix this—but each minute ticks by and the streets get familiar and a quiet song ends and you realize you were silly to ever think a twenty minute car ride would change anything. 

Spencer was the luckiest you’d ever been and your relationship is floating away like a balloon you forgot to hold on to—nothing more than a red dot lost to the vast blue. 

Maybe for him it’s easier. You’re pretty sure it is, as you risk one or two glances at his unreadable profile that turn into lingering, obsessive looks because you’re panicking and realizing you’ll maybe never see him this close again. It’s funny and terrible how quickly you’re remembering what it was like to see him at the coffee shop for the first time—how he was nothing but a beautiful stranger, completely unknown to you and worlds away. Now you’ve had him, sort of, and you’re turning into the girl who could never have him all over again. 

When he turns onto your street reality begins to sink in. Your heart is a short fuse inside your chest as he pulls into a spot and parks the car. The rumble of the engine cuts. The headlights stay on. 

For a moment, everything is quiet. You wish you could insert your own reality into the silence—one where you’re simply enjoying each other’s company and there’s no sense of impending doom to take your breath away. 

“Do you want to talk?” Spencer asks, looking pointedly ahead where the lights shine off the back of some other person’s car. A wayward moth dips and swirls into the high beams. You watch Spencer track it with his eyes. 

“I’m not sure what to say,” you admit quietly. The weight of everything you’d like to say sits in your stomach like lead, too heavy to divulge. It’s only been a few weeks of having to carry the truth around with you and your muscles are already fatiguing. The idea of carrying it around indefinitely makes your eyes sting. You’re already exhausted. 

Maybe a stronger person would find that last bit of energy to make a final push, to save the relationship just before it falls apart. 

But you never claimed to be strong.

Deep down, you must’ve known you weren’t ready for a real relationship. You can’t handle all of this pretending to be okay with things that hurt. Even if that's the grown-up thing to do.

“I tried. I really did, I’m sorry—I’m—”

Before you can get the words out your throat tightens around them and you bury your face in your hands. 

The sound of his seatbelt unlocking and whirring back surprises you—but you’re even more surprised when he undoes yours. Still, you move your arm so it can snap back into place and then he’s pulling you into him. 

“It’s okay,” he murmurs, one hand on the back of your head as you lean over the small gap between the seats, unable to stop yourself from shedding more tears. “It’s not your fault. I’m sorry.”

He’s sorry. 

For not loving you?

If it’s not your fault he doesn’t love you back—then whose fault is it? Who’ll take the fall?

But still, he’s holding you so carefully, like you’re made of porcelain. Something to be protected. Or at the very least, something to be mourned even after it’s in pieces. 

As you lean against him, lulled by the slow in and out of his breath, the inverse of yours, and the way he slips his thumb over the back of your hair in silence for a few minutes—you wonder what’s missing. Why he’s not satisfied. 

“I don’t understand you.”

The words come out flat, muffled by his coat, garbled with leftover tears. 

“What was that?” Spencer asks gently, still playing with your hair. You sniffle, adjusting your head so your cheek is to his shoulder and your lips are no longer smushed. 

“I just… I want you to explain it to me.”

“Explain what?”

You sit up just enough to meet his eyes. The movement seems to take him by surprise, but he keeps his hands on you—one slipping to your cheek and the other still loyal to your back. He brushes his fingers over the delicate skin beneath your eye and you cover them with your own in an effort to get him to stop treating you so kindly. But even now, when you’re mad at him for being so gentle in the way that he hurts you, you can’t help but seek the familiar callus on the side of his trigger finger. It’s an odd thing to anticipate missing, but you’ll miss all of him. You can’t imagine holding a hand without that familiar anomaly—a cairn to show you where he’s been and who you’re holding. 

He curls his warm hand around yours and you hold your joined fist out for him in emphasis, speaking louder than either of you were prepared for. 

“This! You! I understand that we don’t feel the same way about each other and maybe I can’t change that. But then you do this and I don’t understand why. I don’t understand why this isn’t enough for you, because it’s enough for me, and I just—I don’t know what else I can give you. I don’t know what else there is. I don’t understand why I’m not... enough.” The tears are back and flowing freely, but you forge breathlessly ahead, because you’ve finally found a way to be honest and you’re not going to stop now. Spencer is frowning, lips parted and clearly confused or shocked or something, but you continue your confessional before he has the chance to interrupt. “I want to be enough, but you didn’t even give me the chance, and I don’t think it’s fair that we’re breaking up when you didn’t let me try. Maybe if you just told me, if you explained what’s missing I could fix it and you could love me back, and—please. I just want to try. Please, Spencer.”

A car engine revs somewhere far away, echoing down the street. It reverberates for several seconds, unimpeded by any other noise. Any word, any breath. 

His voice is thin when he responds a moment later, still studying your face with a kind of scrutiny that is so indecipherable you don’t know how you expect him to respond. 

“Love you back?”

You blink. 

Your stomach drops. 

For all that you’d revealed, for all that you’d willingly humiliated yourself with your pathetic supplication—you’d meant to keep that four letter word to yourself. 

What a way to make an exit from your relationship. 

Spencer is still looking at you, keeping you pinned to your seat, and as much as you wish it wasn’t the case he’s not going to let you off the hook this time. He’s going to demand an answer, and you have a 0% chance of bursting into mist before you have to provide an explanation, so you have no choice but to say something. 

What, exactly, you’re going to say—you don’t know. 

“I didn’t…”

“You didn’t mean it.”

The response comes so quickly, sharp as a slap, that you jump back slightly, a deep frown twisting your brow. Spencer makes no effort to keep his hand in yours as you slip from his grasp. 

“That’s not what I was—”

“Just say what you mean.” Silence. “Tell me.”

It’s like he’s got an ice pick to your chest. It’s like he wants you to humiliate yourself even further, to punish you for your messy indiscretions. 

“Spencer…”

It’s a warning. You’re giving him a chance to stop this before he hurts you sadistically. Before he becomes unrecognizable. 

He swallows. 

“Please.” And then, a second later, when you’re still trying to process the quiet pain in his voice and suddenly faced with the unexpected question of who is hurting who, “please, just… tell me if you meant it.”

For the first time tonight, you notice how exhausted he looks. Slightly gaunt, even paler than usual. Shadows pool deeper in the hollows of his face. His eyes look glossy, dark crescents below awaiting to catch tears you realize you’ve never seen fall. The tonal shift has you so disoriented, so out of your body like you’re seeing yourself in his own injuries—the truth becomes the only humane answer. Even if it hurts you.

“Yes. I meant it. You know I mean it.”

“I don’t know that,” he says on a shaky exhale. “How would I know that?”

And he’s got the ice pick back at your sternum. It’s tipped in poison. The mallet trembles in the air. So does your voice. 

“You told me you didn’t feel the same. You said it was new for me and different and I was going to make things complicated and you treated me like I was a stupid kid, and—and it doesn’t even matter. This was dumb. I’m sorry I said anything, I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing. I just.. I can’t do this.”

You’re about to open the door, every muscle tense as you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. What reduced you to the weepy, pathetic girl, begging a boy to love her despite knowing it doesn’t work like that—the same girl you’ve looked down your nose at in every film and TV show and in every high school and college hallway since you learned what self-superiority meant. Before you knew exactly what it felt like to be her. 

“Wait.”

He says your name.  

And of course you pause. 

You want a reason to stay. If you had more self-respect, you wouldn’t. But you know you’ll give him as many chances to give you an excuse as he’s willing to take. You knew that before your fingers met the metal of the door handle. 

“Just—hold on a second. Can you look at me?” 

You sniffle and wipe your eyes with the heel of your palm before turning around to face him once more. You wonder if anyone will ever have the kind of power he has over you ever again. 

The despair leaves only wisps of itself on his face—mostly he looks like he’s thinking hard about something. It’s jarring. 

“You’re talking about our phone call on Sunday, right?”

You nod petulantly with a quick teary eye-roll because obviously that’s what you’re talking about. 

Something lights in his own dark eyes as he inhales, parts his lips as if to speak, and stops himself again. Like he’s got news that he’s not sure how to break. 

“The things I said, on that call… I wasn’t talking… about you.”

Your insides feel like tangled yarn as you stare at him uncomprehendingly. 

“I mean, I was. I was talking about us. But not in the way you think, it was—” he stops, rubbing his eyes and taking a frazzled breath. “I know what it’s like to be the one who cares more. I have to assume that I’m the one who cares more because when I don’t, I ruin things. And with you, I felt like—the stakes were so high, and I thought it’d be safer for me to not say anything until I knew you felt the same. But I know that’s not fair to you so I tried to tell you over the phone that if you didn’t feel the same way it was okay. And now I’m—I’m realizing the way I phrased it was incredibly unclear and misleading, and somehow I fucked it up in a completely new way. But I wasn’t referring to you. I just didn’t want you to feel stuck with someone who can’t give you casual when you have so much ahead of you. I had no idea you felt that way about me. And I am so, so sorry that I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen.”

You blink. 

And for some reason, begin sobbing. 

Spencer freezes for a moment, then tells you to stay there and you barely have the capacity to wonder what he means as you hear his own door opening then slamming shut again. A moment later he’s on the passenger side, opening your door and leaning in. 

“Hey,” he whispers, gently pulling your hands from your face and making you turn your head to look at him. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. But that’s good news, right? Why all the tears, lovely? What’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

You take a shuddering breath. 

“This is all my fault, I ruined everything because I was too scared to tell you before and now—and now—”

Stroking your cheeks to wipe away the tears is a futile effort because they just keep coming, but Spencer does it anyway, and he speaks so kindly, so evenly it somehow hurts deeper. 

You were terrible to him. And he had been prepared to accept that. He thought you didn’t love him, and he was still willing to be the subject of all your cryptic frostiness and inexplicable cruelty. 

“It is not your fault. You didn’t ruin anything. I’m still right here. We’re okay.”

“But we’re breaking up, and—and I was so mean to you. That’s not okay, Spencer.”

You finally look at him. He’s close, eyes warm and wide as he looks directly into your own teary gaze, shaking his head earnestly. 

“You were confused, honey. So was I. It was just a misunderstanding. But… I know I was unkind to you. I cannot express how sorry I am for that, and the last thing I want is for us to break up, but if you think that’s what’s best, I’ll… I’ll understand.”

His voice is dangerously thin by the end, strained with impending tears of his own. But he’s eternally kind—backlit by the streetlamps and beautiful like an angel.  Whatever you want, he’ll give you. Even if it’s this. 

“I don’t want that. I don’t.” You sigh, closing your eyes briefly against the world as you realize the impending breakup had been a delusion all along. That you were going to let your insecurities and some sick pride end the relationship for you. All that despair had been for nothing. Or—maybe not nothing. You realize he still hasn’t said it back. But you won’t be a coward. It’s not worth losing him. You open your eyes.  “I just—I want us to be on the same page. And if you don’t love me yet or if you don’t wanna say it, or if you can’t, I get it—it’s okay, but if you don’t could you maybe just tell me? So that I’ll know—”

Before you can process it Spencer is leaning in, head angled to accommodate you, pressing his lips to yours so softly your breath catches and your stomach flips. Maybe softer than he ever has before, and it’s like taking a deep breath after holding it through a dark tunnel. You exhale a tentatively soft sigh against him, releasing air you don't have along with the fraught tension in most of your body. All too quickly he’s pulling away, hands still cupping your cheeks and thumbs stroking over your skin. When he speaks it’s not quite a whisper, but secret-soft. 

“How could I not be so in love with you?” 

Suddenly you can feel the world turning underneath you. Or maybe you’re just dizzy from lack of oxygen. Either way it feels good. A drop of warmth makes a splash in your stomach and slowly spreads through every vein and capillary until you’re sure you’re glowing gold. 

“Really?”

“Of course really. I’m—” he takes a breath of his own, and you realize how difficult this must be after what happened the last time he professed his love for a girl. Your chest aches for him. His voice is low and solicitous, but it wavers slightly. “I should have told you sooner. I wanted to, but I was worried—I was worried the way I felt for you was… too much. I am so in love with you it scares me. I still don’t know what to say or how to act around you. When I’m gone, sometimes I imagine quitting my job, just so I can come home and see you sooner. When I have a gun in my hands, I start thinking about all the things I would do to keep you safe, or—or just because you asked me to. And if what you wanted was for me to leave you alone, I would have done that. If you wanted me to drop everything and everyone to be with you I would have done that. And I know you’d never ask those things of me. But any of them, I’d do in a heartbeat. Which is… it’s a little scary, huh?”

The final sentence is a nervous self-effacing chuckle, which you can match in sound only—one breathy attempt at a laugh from your slackened jaw. 

When that’s the only response you can manage, he clears his throat. 

“Too honest?”

You shake your head as if in a fog. 

“No. Not too honest. But I’m just… I’m trying not to cry again.”

He smooths over your hair fondly. His own eyes are shiny and full of wonder as he studies you for a short while, like you're doing something much more awe-inspiring than sniffling in the passenger seat of his car. Then one hand is dropped to your shoulder and the other braced against your seat back. Finally, he pulls back to a more reasonable distance with a shaky sigh. It’s a sound of relief. You want to hug him, and all the past hims who have ever been hurt by anyone. 

“You, um—you need to rehydrate. Do you have anything that will rebalance your electrolytes? If you don’t I can go to the store—”

“You don’t need to do that,” you assure him with a small, watery laugh, loosely grabbing the wrist that brushes your shoulder. 

“But you need to take care of yourself. And I know you haven’t been drinking enough water because you never do.”

There’s a lingering overwrought shakiness to his voice, but it’s still the most relaxed he’s sounded since he came home, and you realize that the worst is behind you. The storm that you’d been so sure you couldn’t weather is somehow clearing up. 

“I can’t believe we almost just broke up.”

He hangs his head, dropping it to the curve of your neck and groaning. 

“Don’t say that. Let’s not think about that right now. Just—” when he raises his head again, and shakes it slightly to get his hair out of his eyes, they’ve cleared, like he’s on a mission to change the subject. “Let’s go upstairs. Will you let me take care of you?”

You give him an exaggerated nod, still sniffing, and the smile that grows on his face is like seeing the sun rise above the ocean. You love his smile. You love him. 

Spencer kisses you on the cheek. 

“Okay. Let me lock the car and then we can go up.”

As soon as you get into your apartment and turn on the light Spencer goes to the kitchen. It’s a small unit, but antique and nice enough, though you prefer Spencer’s. There’s still some tension as you observe him filling a glass with water, kicking your boots off by the door—but not necessarily the bad kind. You’re not sure exactly what it is. 

“Where are you going?” He asks as you pass the kitchen area to turn on a standing lamp in the opposite corner of the room. 

“I don’t like the big light.” A warm glow emanates through stained glass as you flick it on. 

“I know that. I just didn’t realize it was a higher priority than your wellbeing.” His tone is sardonic but he’s already switching off the overhead lighting for you. You give him a wry smirk as you finally approach and take the proffered glass from his waiting hand. 

“Ambience over everything, baby.”

His brows pinch at the cavalier sentiment—you never call him baby, so you're sure he knows it’s a joke—and he shakes his head with a humorous little huff of air through his nose, watching as you drink deeply. Your hand is shaking. Spencer notices and covers it with both of his, taking the half empty glass with one and grabbing your hand with the other. 

“Adrenaline,” he murmurs, kissing your knuckles. “It’ll go away soon. Did you get enough?”

You nod, smiling small but genuinely. Emotionally exhausted or not, you’re happy. 

Spencer strays, not far, to set the glass on the counter. Then he turns to face you, bracing his palms on the ledge and just watching you for a moment with the kind of smile that makes you nervous in the best way.

He beckons you to him with nothing more than a quick tilt of his head, and you shuffle across the floor in your socks til you’re toe to toe. Without your shoes on, he feels much taller. Still he just watches you for a moment—not that you mind. Your view isn’t half-bad. The faint warm glow from the lamp casts shadows over his face, highlighting all the perfect angles, deep brown eyes framed by dark lashes, and lips that still make you feel like a girl with a crush when you look at him. His hair is getting long. You’re unreasonably glad you still get to look at him like this. 

“Hi,” you whisper—something about the intimate dark of the room feels like a place for secrets. 

“Hi, pretty.” Spencer tucks hair behind your ear, eyes soft wherever they focus on your face like if he even looks at you too sharply you might break. “Have I told you how much I missed you while I was gone?”

He knows he hasn’t.

“Even when I was being a heinous bitch?”

Spencer laughs and it makes you smile too. The way his smile changes the landscape of his whole face will never feel any less like observing a natural phenomenon. It’s unfair how beautiful he is, and how you’re keeping him all to yourself in the dark on the fourth floor of an apartment building in DC. 

“Even then. Not sure that’s the wording I would have used.”

“I missed you too,” you admit softly. 

He maps your face with wandering eyes like he’s done a hundred times. Vaguely you wonder if he sees the same kind of beauty in you that you see in him. If he sees landmarks in your flaws and stars beyond the observable universe in your eyes. 

Spencer sweeps your hair over your shoulder, fingertips grazing your neck. 

“Can I kiss you?” He murmurs. 

Butterflies fill your stomach and you nod shyly, unsure of what would come out if you tried to speak.

His free hand settles on your lower back and brings you into him until you’re chest to chest. With his other on your jaw, he bows his head, and you angle yours up, allowing your eyes to flutter shut. 

Spencer kisses you so gently it aches in your chest, still cupping your face and stroking your cheek. You can’t help wrapping your arms around his middle—before he’s pulling away far too soon. 

And he’s laughing. 

“What were you drinking?”

You frown, flustered and trying to remember a time before his lips were on yours.

“Water.”

“Before that, baby. At the bar.”

You think back even further, head muddled even more by the endearment so that it takes you a moment to recall. 

“A Shirley Temple. Derek brought it to me. Why? Is that bad?”

“No,” he says, still smiling as his lips brush yours. “You’re perfect. You taste like candy. It’s cute.”

Oh. You feel warm as he presses another kiss to your lips—and this time you insist on him staying awhile. He’s happy to oblige. 

Spencer kisses you soft and careful at first, and then deeper, but still so slow, until you can’t help the way you’re bunching the fabric of his shirt between your fingers and rising on your toes to try and get impossibly closer. He kisses you the way you’ve been needing him to since he left, long and unhurried and sweet—and takes everything you give him, siphoning away all your leftover turmoil and angst until you’re weightless. You’re deprived of oxygen, you’re dizzy, and you don’t care at all. 

“I love you,” you breathe against him before he captures your lips again with a hum that flips your stomach, his hand rubbing over your hip. 

“Say it again,” he mutters against your mouth a second later, brushing hair away from your face. 

It comes out a little mumbled this time between kisses, but it comes out all the same. 

“Love you.”

He sighs into you—relief that mirrors your own. 

“I love you.”

It seems like the kind of thing that will never stop sounding perfect from his lips. 

A final deep kiss shortens into a series of smaller ones, and then he’s pulling away slowly, brushing the corner of your mouth affectionately. 

Both of you require a few deep breaths—a moment to let your sparkling eyes wildly chart each familiar curve and convex and shade and shadow of the other’s face—before either of you can speak. Spencer breaks the silence first. 

“I’m sorry.”

You frown, stirred from your brainless bliss by his unexpected apology. 

“For what?”

The fiery glow in his eyes dampens slightly. 

“For what I said at the bar.”

Oh.

That.

It feels like a lifetime away—memories seen through someone else’s eyes. Words like blows from a less familiar mouth. 

You look away. For a while, you’d forgotten about that. Ideally he wouldn’t have reminded you. 

At least he doesn’t make you look at him. He just strokes your hair, watching you examine the tiled counter. His voice is soft and soothing, like he’s appealing to a scared rabbit. Or maybe something angrier and with more teeth. 

“You’re not immature, or badly behaved, or thoughtless. I was having an emotional reaction, I got defensive, and I lashed out. It was unfair and unkind of me to throw those things back in your face when I know how much trust it takes for you to be vulnerable with me. There’s nothing I can say or do that will adequately make up for that, but I want you to understand that I didn’t say any of it because it was the truth. I said it because I didn’t understand how you were feeling and I was hurt. I was insecure and I acted juvenile. I am so, so sorry, honey. You don’t have to forgive me, but you do need to know that none of it is true.”

Once you bite your lip long enough to be sure you won’t cry again, you speak. 

“It’s okay,” you insist with a cheerfulness as natural as hard plastic, something in your chest twinging. “I was mean too. Like you said, we were both confused.”

“It is not. I made you cry.”

Sometimes you forget that he’s not like other people. He’ll never accept anything less than the barest truth. So you look back up at him and speak with a level of honesty that you hope satisfies him. 

“I forgive you. You didn’t mean it. And I have insurance because Derek said he and Emily would kick your ass if you’re mean to me again.”

You hear the sad humor in his voice. His hand runs up and down your back. 

“If I’m ever mean to you again, I personally invite you to kick my ass. And then let Derek and Emily have their turn.” He thumbs at your cheek, studying you in silence for a moment. “I can’t tell you how much I wish I could take it back.”

You stand up a little straighter. Spencer tracks you with his eyes, noting the way you smile slightly. 

“You’ll find a way to make it up to me.”

“I’ll do anything for you,” he admits, barely a whisper and the truth of it so heavy you can feel it too. 

But for tonight you can’t contend with more weight. 

“You know what you could do right now?”

The mischief in your tone is obvious, and he hesitates, like he’s not sure he wants to let you move on from this so quickly. But eventually he plays along, pressing his thumb into the dip of your back and speaks lowly, just as you’d hoped he would. 

“What’s that?”

You smile slyly. 

“You could kiss me again.”

“Hm… I don’t know, three times in one night? Sounds a little excessive.”

“Do you want to be forgiven or not?” You huff. He smiles lazily, already dipping his head to press his lips to yours. 

“I thought I was already forgiven.”

“Apologies can be retracted.”

“Ah.” His next words are mumbled as his lips ghost yours. “Well we wouldn’t want that.”

Spencer puts you out of your misery, not bothering to warm you up to it before he’s kissing you with a deep need. It’s still languid, and not hungry, exactly—it’s more like an aching, mind-numbing thirst. It’s all-consuming, overwhelming to have all of his burning focus pinpointed on you like this. Both hands come to cup your face and you wonder if he wants you in ways that he doesn’t entirely understand, just as you want him. You wonder if anything could possibly sate this desire to possess him completely and for him to possess you, to trade corporeal forms—or if it’s just something you’ll have to live with like a metaphysical itch you can’t scratch. As he forces you to tip your head back for him, using his height to his advantage, breathing deeply against you and attempting to push himself impossibly closer, you begin to think he understands exactly how you feel. 

As soon as you’d sensed he wanted it, your lips had parted for him. He knows he could have any part of you. He knows how eager you are to give yourself to him. You’ve done everything to prove it, and yet you’ve never needed him quite like you do ask he pushes off the counter and slowly backs you against the wall, protecting your head with a hand as the paintings rattle ever so slightly. You gasp into his mouth and he kisses you greedier still, but his hands don’t stray from your cheeks. 

Not until, that is, you hook your right leg around his left, and he catches it, fingers wrapping under the bend of your knee. 

Never in your life have you regretted picking jeans rather than a skirt more than you do right now. 

But to your disappointment, Spencer slows down to a halt—pulling his lips from yours like they’d been stuck by molasses until he’s far enough away to study you wildly, panting just as you are. His hair hangs over his smoldering eyes. He’s disheveled. It’s sexy. 

“What?” You whisper, voice surprisingly hoarse.

He looses a dry, abashed laugh. The flush he’s sporting is incredibly charming. 

“I’m supposed to be playing nice with you.”

Spencer says it like it’s a mild hindrance. Something frissons in your core. You smile a little wider as you continue to catch your breath, which seems to please him. 

“Playing nice?”

“Being gentle. I’m not supposed to push my favorite things against walls when they’re delicate.”

Your face heats at the way he speaks of you—if it weren’t Spencer, if you didn’t know he really doesn’t think of you as an object, you’d be pissed. But instead all you can think about is how good it feels when he calls you his. 

“According to who?”

His eyes dart between yours and then down to your lips several times before he averts them to the wall beside you with an intensity that could burn holes through the plaster. Is that how he looks at you?

“According to me. I think… god, you're going to hate me for this. But I think I need you to kick me out.”

You drop your leg at the same time as you do your heart. 

“What?”

“I know,” he says, over-apologetically, “I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let that escalate. But we can’t… do anything tonight.” Before you can protest, he rushes to explain himself. “It’s just that it’s been a long day. It’s been a long week, actually, and I doubt either of us have slept very much, and I think you’re really drained, and probably not thinking super clearly. I don’t think you’re in the best place for decision making.”

You look pointedly down to where he still has you pressed to the wall. 

“I think I’m in a great place.”

At that he steps back, but lets his hands find yours and pulls you away from the wall—just not quite as close as before. His nose bumps against yours as he speaks low and sweet. 

“I understand that you want me to stay right now. But it’s not a good idea to associate fighting with physical pleasure. That can set some really dangerous patterns.”

“We’re not fighting,” you plead, matching his tone as you look up at him with big eyes. His fingers lace with yours. 

“You’re right. Maybe fighting was the wrong word. But we had some pretty intense conversations today, didn’t we?”

Reluctantly you nod. 

“Right,” he agrees. “Same premise. We need to be able to have those conversations without getting distracted.”

In a last ditch attempt to get him to change his mind, you give him your best approximation of the imploring, wide-eyed gaze he sometimes uses on you. Something not entirely smile and not entirely smirk twists the corners of his mouth. When he ducks down to kiss you quickly, you reciprocate, but you lack the enthusiasm of earlier. 

“Hey.” 

“Hm,” you respond, dejectedly. 

“Don’t get all grumpy because I don’t put out.”

That puts a disgruntled little smile on your face as he probably knew it would. 

“I guess you just gave it up easy to all those other women.”

He grabs your chin and gives you a final peck. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never been with other women.”

“Mhm,” you grumble good-naturedly, pushing away from him and going to the door to undo the deadbolt. “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

“Wow. I really must have overstayed my welcome if that’s the goodbye I get.”

You turn back around, brows raised. 

“Oh, I was prepared to be very welcoming. This is your doing.”

“Uh-huh. Come here.”

Happily you skitter back across the few feet of wooden flooring and wrap your arms tightly around him one more time, pressing your cheek to his chest. He’s ready, winding his arms over yours and rubbing your back. It’s eerily similar, you realize as he presses his face into the concave of your shoulder, to when he’d left on that most recent case. 

But at the same time—everything’s different. 

And you won’t make the same mistake twice. 

“Hey,” you smile, resting your head on his shoulder. Spencer pulls back to look at you, a similar grin on his face. 

“Hey what?”

“I remembered what I was gonna say.”

The grin widens. He knows exactly what you’re talking about. 

“Tell me.”

“I was going to tell you that I love you. And—I hope you’re not one of those people who’s uncomfortable being told that often. Because if that’s the case I’m really going to annoy you.”

“I’m not that kind of person,” he assures. “Tell me as often as you can.”

“But you should say it back. It’s more polite that way.”

“I love you,” he murmurs, in a voice more serious than your teasing tones had been but still soft and sweet around the edges. “You know, people talk about love as if it’s completely irrational and illogical. But with you… I think the world actually makes more sense than it used to. I understand things I never did before. You’ve taught me a lot.”

It’s like a lightshow in your stomach. You wonder if he has any idea the effect his casual musings have on you.

“You already knew everything.”

“Not everything,” Spencer whispers. “Not about the things that matter.”

And you’re fresh out of teases. All you can do is look up at him with big eyes again, in awe of the fact that you get to keep him after all. 

“Will you text me when you get home?” You request, voice reverent in the wake of an admission you could never hope to top. 

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

You nod, because it doesn’t even matter if you had other plans tomorrow. They’re as good as cancelled. 

Spencer kisses your cheek, and you get the sense that things are still being left unfinished. There’s an unresolved tension that you can’t shake, even after all the apologies and kisses and sweet words. Still, he made a point with his talk about not mixing argument with pleasure, and you’d like to respect those wishes because you respect him—even if every atom of your being shakes with desire to keep him locked in your bedroom, hidden away from the world together, for as long as you can possibly manage. 

Eventually, you loosen your hold, and you let him go. He lingers at the door, hands in his pockets, just watching you and mirroring your small smile as you hold onto the counter with an iron grip to keep yourself in check. After he finally peels his gaze away from yours and silently closes the door behind him, you stand there, staring at the wood for at least a minute.

Once you manage to shake yourself from your revery with a deep breath, you grab your glass from earlier and stand in front of the sink, watching it fill with a white jet of water. It’d be a shame to admit it to him, but maybe Spencer is right. Maybe you do need time to emotionally digest today. After all—that was technically your first argument. It seems to have left you sort of wound up. Not in a bad way, per se—maybe you just need to take a shower, let the hot water roll over your shoulders and wash away the frenetic energy that clings to you. 

Still, something tells you that you won’t be getting much sleep tonight, even if you do take the world’s longest shower. You’re simply too high-strung. You wonder if having Spencer here would fix that or make it worse. But ultimately, he’d made the call that it was a bad idea for him to stay, and you’re generally inclined to trust his judgement. 

The thought makes you laugh into your cup as you drink. Even after the debacle that was the past week, you trust him to know what he’s doing. Maybe you need to rethink that, at least temporarily, until he’s had a chance to redeem himself. 

Just then, your front door is opening with absolutely zero warning and slamming shut again before you can finish whipping around. Your heart threatens to choke you and you almost drop your glass, clutching your chest. 

“Jesus, you—”

But the words die in your throat as Spencer storms toward you, shrugging his coat off with a white-hot chill in his eyes. It’s enough to freeze you in place, heart drumming against the confines of your ribs. 

“You really need to start locking that door,” he breathes, tossing his jacket on the counter before grabbing your face and crashing his lips into yours, palms pressed to your jaw and fingers pushing into your hair. You stand there, hands hovering in air before you gain the wherewithal to blindly set the glass down behind you. Your heart is pounding as you immediately submit to the kiss, whining softly against his lips and cautiously seeking stability in the fabric of his shirt. Spencer pulls away only briefly, allowing you to gasp for much-needed air. His brown eyes are like molten gold on you, pupils blown wide and wild as he scans your face, taking heavy breaths of his own. “Anyone could just walk in.”

-

part seven

[myosotisa]

i'm starvin, darlin - e.m.

Eddie Munson x Reader

ǁ summary: Since coming back from the Upside Down, Eddie has slowly been changing. Each week seems to bring something different and he finds himself doing things he never thought he would.

ǁ tags: gender neutral reader, no pronouns, no y/n. nickname used (sweetheart). mentions of season 4 final episode and what occurred. canon divergent (every one lived). it's not smut, but smut adjacent. it's sexy

ǁ word count: 2k

ǁ notes: i sat down and wrote an entire one shot in one sitting again. and i am also not going to edit this one. and i do not feel bad for lowercase hozier title, so don't even try me like that. if y'all really like it, i can add a part 2 with smut, but this is it for now

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There are still a lot of things Eddie is having to come to terms with since the night his heart stopped.

That night in the Upside Down, laying in Dustin’s arms, he had died. Without a doubt. Dustin had felt his pulse and there was nothing there. And though he didn’t know CPR, had no idea what he was doing, Dustin had laid him down on the ground and started to beat against his chest. Like maybe if he hit hard enough and in the right place, his friend would come back to life.

Somehow it worked. No one bothered to ask why.

But they all knew something was wrong two days later. Eddie, barely breathing and with a weak heartbeat, had been dragged back to the surface and hidden away in the RV they had stolen. Someone watched him round the clock as they debated what to do. If they should try to get him to a hospital, how they’d be able to explain it. But then something miraculous began to happen:

Eddie started healing. All on his own. Way faster than any person should have been able to.

His skin stitched itself back together faster than should be possible, leaving less scar tissue than it should have behind. His chest began to rise and fall in more steady breaths, his heart beat getting stronger, bones resetting themselves with slow and quiet creaks as he laid in that RV bed and slept. He’d been asleep since they brought him back.

The day he woke up, his body had almost entirely healed itself. From the brink of death, having even stepped over to the other side, and now he was almost back to before it ever happened. It had only been a week.

Everyone rejoiced, refusing to question anything weird that may have happened in the Upside Down and just thinking they finally won for once. Max had casts on both her arms but was otherwise unharmed, Steve had recovered from his own injuries at the rate of a normal human and now sported a scar around his throat that he sometimes felt self conscious about. Dustin was on crutches with his broken leg for another month at least. Eddie was alive and whole and back to himself. They’d made it, everyone had made it.

He began to notice more and more things that were different as the days went on.

The first thing he caught on to was that he had the capability to be strong. Way stronger than someone who had recently been bed ridden should be. It was like in the comic books with the Hulk – if he wasn’t paying attention or if he got too emotional, he could easily break anything. A walkman destroyed, a ceramic bowl reduced to shards, a metal pipe bent beyond fixing, the wooden handle of a hammer shattered in his grip. The boys were all present for the hammer incident and sighted it as one of the coolest things they had ever seen. They swarmed him, asking him how he did it, what else he could do, how strong he really was.

Only the other teens, Steve, Nancy, Robin, you, started to look a little bit closer.

When the next few changes became apparent, it was clear something unnatural had happened to Eddie that night in the Upside Down. He could feel other people's feelings. They brushed against his consciousness like ghosts whenever he looked at someone. Happiness like warm rays of sunshine, fear like a shuddering gust of wind, anger like hot coals pressed to his skin. It wasn’t a conscious effort – in fact, there were a lot of times he wished he could turn it off. Whenever he looked too hard at someone, it’s like his brain adjusted to a different frequency and their emotions reached out to him, no matter what they were. And he didn’t struggle to make sense of the sensations like he thought he might, his brain completed the dots easily at first, but then he began to recognize them consciously. It was certainly useful sometimes, especially when it came to you, but it still felt a bit invasive. When he’d explained it to a few people, he assured he tried to ignore it whenever he could, but sometimes he couldn’t help but react. The icey spike of terror he felt when you woke up next to him from a nightmare. The velvet comfort that enveloped you and him when he held you after.

The first time he spoke into someone’s mind it was an accident. Steve had whipped toward him, breath catching in his chest, eyes wide and mouth open in a gasp. Eddie felt it like ice down his spine. “Did you… You did that?” He’d asked breathlessly. It had been so shocking, Eddie wasn’t even sure what’d he said, or projected, or whatever it was.

“I - I don’t know.”

Steve stepped closer, suddenly looking determined. “Try to do it again.”

It was a slithering feeling when he dipped back into Steve’s mind. Like sliding his way in between cracks to a place he didn’t belong, seeping into the forefront of his thoughts to plant one of his own. It made him feel dirty, uncomfortable, and wrong. But it worked. Steve explained it as having a thought like his own but it came out in Eddie’s voice instead. An intrusive thought but not an uncomfortable one.

As with all of the other discoveries, a meeting was called. Dustin, Mike, Lucas, Max, Will, El, Robin, Jonathan, Nancy, Steve, and you. Steve did most of the talking while Eddie sat and looked at his hands. These meetings, while he acknowledged were important for everyone to keep track of his progression into… something, it still made him feel a bit like a zoo animal in a cage. A magician with a magic trick. All the boys immediately begged him to do it to them, they wanted to see what it felt like, wanted to see how easy it was for him to do it. 

Nancy and Jonathan had shooed them, catching on to how overwhelmed Eddie was, their excitement and curiosity battering against him like a whipping wind of too much. Once it was just the older people in the room, you crossed over to where he was, kneeled down in front of him, reached out to hold his hand.

Pity felt like someone was pissing in his pants.

“Are you okay?”

How could he say no? How could he admit that he was scared, confused, and feeling more and more like a monster with the passing days? “It’s just a lot. To deal with.”

Your smile was pained as you pushed yourself up onto your calves and wrapped your arms around his shoulders. His came around your waist on instinct, the breath feeling like a wheeze in his lungs as he held tight. Face pressed into your hair with his eyes squeezed shut, he inhaled deep in relief.

That was when the next thing changed.

It was a desire. A need. One he couldn’t place a name to. Like he was desperately missing something, desperately craving something and he didn’t know it was. It crawled under his skin like ants and sent him scratching for a feeling that couldn’t be satiated. No matter what he tried: eating, drinking, masturbating, exercising. The feeling wouldn’t go away. It got stronger day after day, his mind focusing more and more on the void it left behind until it was all he could think about.

Steve threw a little get together at his house once a month or so. Just time for everyone to get together, eat some food, listen to music, play board games, maybe watch a movie. This was the first get together since his hunger began.

He was sitting on the couch on his own, decompressing. While normally he was right in the middle of everything, today it was a lot to handle when he was hyperfocused on the crawling beneath his skin. He had his legs spread wide, hands resting on them, leaning deep into the cushions of the couch in Steve’s basement. While he had initially tried to close his eyes, hang his head back, maybe stare at the ceiling – he couldn’t stop his attention from drifting back to you.

You and Eddie had been friends for a long time. Understandably, you’d gotten much closer after the events in March. The two of you had helped each other through hard nights of nightmares, panic attacks in parking lots, flashbacks in public. You’d been a great comfort to him since he came back. But today your laugh sounded like music. The smell of your perfume hit him even across the room. Each emotion crashed over him in waves, pushing and receding like the tide as he tried to get off your frequency, unentangle himself from you before he did something he didn’t mean to do.

I’m starving.

Your back stiffened, the grip on your plastic cup getting just a bit tighter. A moment of fear quickly shifted to mellowed surprise, curiosity. He’d never spoken into your mind before, hadn’t meant to do so now. But you still shifted, your eyes slowly coasting across the room until you caught sight of him on the couch.

A shock of electricity shot down his spine as you made eye contact, his hands tightening over his thighs in reaction. Unsure exactly what to do, he settled for projecting again. Slithered his way into your ears and settled a respectful distance from the area he’d never been brave enough to venture. Sorry, he offered with a wince, didn’t mean to.

What he didn’t expect was the utter flood of feeling that hit him next. Like a drip of warm honey settling into the space between his hips, pooling there in a subtle swirl as the warmth from it started to diffuse outward. You realized you’d been staring and your eyes flit away, but the feeling didn’t cease. In fact, it only got stronger. Your lower lip caught on your teeth as you shifted between your feet. Things that would be completely normal to see, wouldn’t have anyone looking twice, but Eddie could. Your desire. The want that poured from you like water when your eyes first met his.

Was this the first time? Had something changed between you and him? Or had he just never caught on before?

The ants beneath his skin began to vibrate as he narrowed in on the feeling, on you. Like the part of him that had slithered into your thoughts was now bearing down, digging in for purchase, wanting to stay awhile and feed on this new feeling, what you were offering. It didn’t even occur to him what he was doing, how invasive it might be, how wrong he normally would have felt. All he knew is that it felt like licking at the thing he’d been craving for so long and he was helpless to chase after it.

Sweetheart. It came easy as breathing now, teeth sunk into your consciousness from where you stood across the room. You whirled on him again, another flood of warmth hitting him deep as you leaned your hip against the counter you were standing next to and focused on him. What’s got you so worked up?

He couldn’t even consider how bold he was suddenly being, the fear that he might ruin this friendship well out of his grasp. Especially when your embarrassment spiked along with the want, the pool of warmth now suddenly coming to life to have a heartbeat of its own. Your eyes widened, shifting on your feet again as you broke eye contact. It only took a few moments before you couldn’t help but look back at him again. The buzzing settled further, now like a purr beneath his skin. It was bearable as long as you kept your eyes on him.

You wanna do something about it?

-

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thanks for reading, please reblog and leave a comment if you liked it!

[fangirl-dot-com]

Chapter 6 - Ok It’s Happening! Everyone Stay Calm!

This chapter is going to span Tuesday night into Wednesday night. Nothing really happens in between the initial post and family dinner, so I tried to add some things to fluff it up. You finally get to read a bit of reader-lore. The next chapter, “Family Dinner,” will be posted Wednesday night. Enjoy and don’t forget to comment to be added to the tag list :D 

Arthur had to leave early Monday morning. You were sad, but were thankful that he was able to come spend a few nights with you. You almost forgot why you were in London in the first place. 

Oh yeah, to become one of the best freaking F1 drivers there ever were. You could see the TikTok edits now. You hoped there would be at least one with an Olivia Rodrigo song in the background. Or maybe Taylor Swift? The possibilities were endless. 

You were able to drive the car a few more times in the span of Monday and today. You really felt like you were becoming more familiar with it. One of the last times, they put you into the RB-19, just to get a feel for it for Vegas. 

Speaking of Vegas, something popped up on your Instagram that you just had to share with Vito. 

“Hey Vito, can you find me someone to marry while I’m in Vegas?” you nonchalantly asked while the two of you were having breakfast. He nearly spit out his orange juice. 

“Excuse me?” he responded while wiping his mouth with the nice cloth napkin. The brunch place was very high end. You ended up getting pancakes though, while Vito got something you didn’t even want to try to pronounce. 

“Well, there’s this Formula 1 wedding chapel, and I thought, how cool would it be to get married there while it’s up? So, I thought I’d ask to see if you could find me someone.” 

Vito took a deep breath before massaging his brow. He was “this close” to quitting. But he would never do that to you. Instead, he said, “Kid. You cannot get married in Vegas.” 

He thought you would have put up more of a fight, but you just shrugged and stuffed your mouth full of another bite of pancake. He shook his head as he tried to take another sip of his drink. The breakfast went well after that. You didn’t try to bring it up, but somehow, you would find your way to this chapel. Even if you weren’t going to get married. 

As the two of you walked out of the building, you angled your body to Vito. “So, what do I have to do?” 

He looked at his phone, “So you have to approve your helmet. And then we have to take some pictures for your post tonight. Tomorrow we have a flight to catch that will take us to Vegas. After, you will get settled at the hotel and then eat dinner with the team.” 

“Geez, that seems like a lot doesn’t it?” You opened the driver door to your vehicle. Vito had said that it was your time to drive. You wanted to argue that every other waking moment was spent behind the wheel, but you knee that he wanted to be the passenger princess for once. He said that was not the case as he couldn’t handle you picking Country Girl by Luke Bryan one more time.

He said he even heard the song in his dreams. 

You thought that was total madness. How could someone get tired of Luke Bryan. Maybe Daniel would listen to it with you at some point, if the two of you got close enough. Vito had walked around the car, got in, and started to buckle. 

Using the button to start the car, the engine came to life. You carefully backed out of the parking space and pulled onto the road. Per the request of the Vito and Mitch, you were to return to RB to go over some last-minute paperwork and things of that nature. 

Since the drive was so familiar by now, the time seemed to fly by even faster. You knew what you were doing. It was crazy to think that just last week, you were winning your F2 championship with no future plans. And now you were pulling up to headquarters like it was just another Tuesday. 

Time was weird like that. 

At the building, you almost cried when you saw your helmet. You wanted to make a joke, but decided against it. You could do that later over the radio in free practice one. It was everything that your little F1-loving heart ever wanted. The white and silver had a great contrast. But your favorite part was the glitter. You tried it on and had a couple of pictures taken. You let them know which ones were your favorites. 

You later found yourself in a conference room going over last-minute legal things. Vito made sure that you knew what you were getting into with a multi-year contract and how much it would damage you if you were to break it. You were still 100 percent with it all. You also discussed what picture you wanted to use for their official statement. You picked one that had been taken after your first F2 win of the 2023 season. You sheepishly smiled when they pointed out the Mercedes logo, but you told them that it was there since you had won a sponsorship to help pay for everything. You had no loyalties to the other British team. 

“All right, I think that wraps things up. Any questions, comments, or concerns?” one of the lawyers asked as he packed his things up. 

With multiple shakings of heads, he bid farewell and left the room. 

Now that it was just you, Mitch, and Vito, you spun your chair to face the two of them. You felt like a villain out of a movie as you put your hands together.

“Mitch, did you bring the special thing that I asked for?” you said in a darker tone, wanting to feel mysterious. 

She rolled her eyes as she got up and walked to a clothing bag that was laying on the end of the table. She brought it back over and laid it over your lap. 

You unzipped the bag and stared at the item. It was a vintage Red Bull bomber jacket. Just the sight wanted to make you cry. 

You stood up and carefully put the jacket on. You turned towards Mitch and Vito. 

“How do I look?” you asked. Now you were getting shy. You might be loud with people you were comfortable with, but you always put people’s opinion of you over anything else. They both had comforting smiles. 

“I think you were born to wear that jacket kid,” Vito said, with almost tears in his eyes. 

“Same here Y/n. You truly belong with us,” Mitch said as she gave you a hug. You let a few tears fall when doing so. It had been long since you really felt accepted somewhere. 

With your parents, you constantly wanted their approval, but never got it. That drove you to be the best at everything. People always told you to quit in F4, but you slowly rose above them as you entered F3. There, people told you that you, a girl, did not belong in F3. You were only 15 at the time. 

You proved them wrong as you became the first female to join the ranks of F2 two years later. You spent 3 years fighting for your hard earned right to be there. It got easier with the help of friends, but you always wanted more. One more chance to prove yourself. And you got that with the F1 seat. 

“Could we take a few pictures for me to post later?” Mitch and Vito agreed. You three found a nice spot on a hidden balcony. It basically looked like you were on the sidewalk, but you wouldn’t take that risk. It was too close and you had people right where you wanted them. 

You had grabbed an iconic can of Red Bull on your way out and cracked it open to pose with it. It took a good 30 minutes for you to get the pose correctly. 

While going through those photos, you spoke up. 

“Did you know that my first kart had the Red Bull logo on it. I loved that thing, even if I crashed it multiple times.” You chuckled at the memories. 

“What goes around comes around,” Vito muttered as he went through the photos. 

“Reminds me of that Taylor Swift sound on Tik Tok. It’s been a long time coming.” 

Mitch gave a playful scoff, “You should use that as your caption.” You hadn’t thought of that! Mitch definitely thought that you wouldn’t, but the look on your face showed her that you really wanted to do it. She, once again, rolled her eyes at your antics. But, she herself was comforted by your easy-going personality. She had only known you for a couple of days, but you were becoming very dear to her. 

You were becoming very dear to everyone. Every worker was amazed at your talent. A few even compared you to Sebastian Vettel and their very own champion Max Verstappen. But Mitch wouldn’t tell you that in fear of scaring you off. It was a big thing to be compared to the two legends, but you didn’t need that pressure on you. You already had been through so much. Vito had let Mitch know before of what has happened with past race strategists. She never wanted to be like what you’ve had to deal with. 

You now were beginning to explain the entirety of why Taylor Swift was re-recording her albums in the first place. Your hands were pointing at invisible objects in the air while Vito just stood and listened. Mitch thought it would be hilarious to see you and Max discuss race tactics. 

There was the Maxsplaining and the Leclerifying. Now you would be Y/n-strating (illustrating but with your name in front). 

“And that is why we don’t like Scooter. We’re gonna come for his ankles before he can come for ours. Mother never told us to be nice to him,” you gestured as you finished your rant. Vito looked bored to death while Mitch was just smirking at the two of you. You wondered what she was thinking about. 

Oh well. She could read your mind but you couldn’t read hers. 

When it got dark, you and Vito headed back to hotel to pack before you were supposed to be at the hotel. Riggs, Lacy, Mitch, and other personnel would be flying out with you. There would be no commercial flight, instead there would be a private plane for everyone. You couldn’t wait, since this would be the first time to fly privately. 

There was really nothing different to it until you actually got on the plane. Security was the same and the private lounge area wasn’t much different than the ones you had already been to. There were fewer seats on the plane, but everyone fit comfortable. 

You were excited that you didn’t have to pay for WIFI on the plane to watch your TV shows. There were a couple of Brooklyn 99 episodes that you hadn’t seen yet. Once those were finished, you told yourself that you’d take a quick nap and wake up way before you landed. 

That was a lie. 

You practically slept the entire way there, and was only awoken by the plane landing. You were excited to be back in the states. You hadn’t been in years. Texas would always be your favorite state though, since you lived there for 5 years when you were in your teens. You had begged Arthur and Ollie to go with you once, but they declined and you ended up not going. You couldn’t wait to drive at COTA. 

The nap really helped as you weren’t exhausted when you got to the hotel. Vito told you though that you had time to sleep before you needed to wake up the next morning. But the nerves were getting to you. 

At 9 a.m. Red Bull would be posting the statement. Which reminded you to do the same. You inhaled sharply as you picked the pictures on your Instagram. You were able to find a picture of your old kart, and you definitely used Mitch’s suggestion for the caption. You tagged Red Bull before posting and turning off your phone. You could deal with everything tomorrow morning when you had gotten a good night’s sleep.  

Well, that good night’s sleep was way too short for your liking. Your alarm sounded way too loud and interrupted the nice dream that you were having. It was something about marrying some dude at the F1 chapel. You just couldn’t get it out of your mind. 

You took a shower to at least feel better. The staleness of the plane air clung to you throughout the night. Should you have showered after sending the world into a panic? Yes. But did you? No. Your phone might as well have combusted last night. Turning on the front screen, there were thousands upon thousands of notifications. You simply swiped left and deleted them all. 

Opening your Instagram, it was worse. Your face was everywhere. Happily, enough, almost everything was a positive outlook. Only a few bad ones stood out, but you knew better than to look. While scrolling, you were interrupted by a face time request from Ollie. You quickly picked up and were met with the sight of his face. With jaw dropped, he just stared at you. 

“Hello to you to?” 

You pulled the phone away from your face as he started screeching. You just listened as he ranted for another 10 minutes before he went silent. 

“You done?” you deadpanned. 

“Uh, yeah. I think so.” 

“Ok good.” You went on to tell him about everything that happened in the past week. He definitely whined when you told him that Arthur knew before he did. He demanded that you tell him next time. And you told him that you hoped that there wouldn’t be a next time. You were determined to stay with Red Bull for as long as possible. 

After the phone call, you kind of just chilled around the room all day. Dinner wasn’t until later and you had time to get ready. 

After watching episodes upon episodes, you saw that you needed to get ready. With your trusty playlist, cans of hair spray, your makeup, and your curling iron – you were ready for the battle that was looking perfect for dinner. 

Each curl had to be calculated, each face product must be weighed to the exact suggested amount. Did you do either? No. 

You just did it how you normally did, and somehow you got it done. You took a quick picture and posted it on your story. The dress you picked was black. A long slit showed just enough leg, while there was only one sleeve. You paired it with some gold heals. You only hoped it wasn’t too much, but you wanted to make a good impression. Vito had gotten the go ahead from Christian beforehand. The restaurant was supposed to be of the upmost hoity-toity-ness and you hoped you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself. 

With a knock on your door, you knew it was time to meet the family.  

(Your story)

Tag List : @awekbachira @lightdragonrayne @leilanixx @angsthology @digitalizeduniqueness @topguncultleader @landosgirlxoxo @gods-menace @itsjustkhaos @thefandomswhre @alwaysboredsworld @vellicora @bintuabbas @sam-is-lost @empress-kimiko @assholeinatrenchcoat @kagatinkita @glitterquadricorn @zyonsay @tsukishimawhore @treehouse-mouse

[lost-girl-2021]

Adopted Spider Headcanons (Metkayina Edition)

I've been reading fics where Spider's adopted by Ronal and Tonowari the past couple days and now I'm obsessed. The problem is that I mostly write angst and I really wanna read hurt/comfort, lol.

I feel like the typical/common way that I see Spider get taken in is basically him doing his little beach bum shit after everything and slowly getting adopted into their family. And I eat it up. Every. Single. Time.

Spider: *Building a campfire, roasting his own food* Ronal/Tonowari/Tsireya or Anoung: *Why is the Sully's adoptive son alone on the beach?* *Oh well, mine now*

I feel like Ronal would definitely be way at first, she's made it no secret that she strongly dislikes Sky People. But, I'd imagine that eventually, she comes to see him not just as a human, but as a child. And a child who is alone and in need of help.

Aounung would probably be the same. I have this idea of him giving Spider a hard time (after all the carnage/damage/dead people have been handled). Like, trying to mess with him as much as possible, just being an asshole. And then, maybe Spider goes under for a long time while Aounung is on the beach weaving or something. And, even though Spider has a mask and can breath underwater as well as he does above it, Aounung somehow forgot that and freaks, thinking the human has drowned.

Aounung tossed his half-repaired net aside, diving into the water. He whipped around, eyes catching on the mess of dirty blond. Pushing further, he grabbed the boy by the armpits, shooting to the surface and pulling the human onto land. He flipped him over, meeting confused eyes as he placed a hand on his chest. He was breathing fine, not even panting from being under for so—

Spider's mask glinted in the sun. Aounung was an idiot.

"Are you . . . okay?" The smaller boy asked hesitantly, making no move to sit up.

"You were under for a long time." He mumbled, pulling away.

Spider's face split into a grin. "Did you— did you think I was— "

"Quiet." He hissed, standing up. "We will never speak of this again."

Spider's laughter followed him as he stormed away.

I feel like with Tsireya, she would've immediately been all over him. Like, this is Spider, Lo'ak's supposed best friend. The human boy who acted just like he was Na'vi. It probably started mostly as curiosity, but I think that after seeing how the Sully's interacted with Spider, she'd be confused about his place, his family. If Spider didn't sleep in the Sully's marui, didn't eat with them— then where did he do those things?

Tsireya glided along the water, Lo'ak a few feet from her. "Why doesn't Spider stay in your marui?"

Lo'ak raised a brow. "Uh . . . I don't know. He lives with the humans, I guess. Always has."

"But . . . the humans left after helping Kiri. They have not returned."

"They . . . they haven't?" He cleared his throat. "I'm sure Dad has it handled. There's probably a new shack or something for him."

Consider Spider's mask running low and there isn't a spare anywhere. As a kid, he never was gone from the shack long enough for his battery to run low and during his time with the recoms, there were always spares in someone's pack when he needed it. Idk how long the masks last, but for my own sake, I'm going to say Spider got a new one the day of the battle and it lasted him about a week. Or maybe, he managed to pillage one as the ship went down so he's on his second and it's like two weeks or so.

I think that when he saw the little red light flashing, a small beep-beep sounding, that he'd probably be like a kid who forgot there was a test. He'd just panic. But, I imagine he'd also be scared to bother the Sully's by telling them, so he'd spend the next hour searching the village (discreetly) to see if there were any pilfered batteries or masks left behind when the humans visited. Let's say he has two hours from when the mask starts flashing to change it out. And where, oh where, does he wind up when he's got a half-hour left?

Spider was not panicking. Because, when a human panicked, they breathed faster and wasted more air. Norm told him that, so it had to be true. But, he'd checked everywhere he could think of and . . . nothing. There was no shack, no Norm or Max to run to before his timer ran out. No humans. Only him. And in a matter of . . . fuck, twenty minutes, he was going to die just like a human.

He sat slumped on the beach, looking out into the water and trying his best not to openly sob. He didn't want to die crying like a little baby. It was not working out well for him. At least, he'd have a good view when he died.

"Child? What is wrong?"

Spider flinched, looking up with wide eyes at the clan leader. He'd only talked to Tonowari once, when Jake had introduced him. Of course, given his spectacular luck, the man would find him when he was on death's doorstep.

With a sniffle, he held up his beeping pack. "It's almost out. Twenty minutes."

The man frowned down, grasping the device carefully. "And that is why you're so upset? Because, you don't wish to go into the village for a new one? Did something happen? Someone make you feel unwelcome?"

"There is no new mask." There was also no home to go back to. "That was my only one."

With a cut-off gasp, he pulled Spider to his feet. He marched the boy through the village and into what he recognized as the healer's marui. The Tsahik was mixing something, but she stood as soon as they entered.

"Tonowari?" She asked, stepping closer. "What happened? Is he hurt?"

"His mask, where's the spare?"

Wordlessly, the woman pulled a mask from one of the many baskets, easily connecting the tubing and turning it on. Like, she'd done it before. Spider had no time to ask why she had such a thing before she was right in front of him.

"Take a deep breath." She ordered, unlatching the straps of his mask before pulling it off. Just as quickly, the new one was secured. Spider hadn't even moved.

I think that even before deciding to adopt Spider, Tonowari and Ronal would probably make sure he had spare masks and check what food he could/couldn't eat. Like, as soon as they realize the Sully's aren't caring for him, they'd probably subconsciously take responsibility for him. Because, he was just a kid, really. And kids were clumsy and careless and needed help, needed parents. Anoung and Tsireya, despite being independent and skilled, still needed their parents sometimes. Let their mother do their hair and insisted on their father de-gutting their catches. And Spider— Spider is fragile. He's skilled and smart and quick on his feet, but he's a human surrounded by Na'vi. Not to mention, one wrong move and he's left with a cracked mask. And what if he eats the wrong food, mistakes one fruit for another and ends up poisoned?

This ended up way longer that I thought it would be, lol. But, I really love these types of fics and if anyone has any recs or wants to hear more, my comment section is open. XD

[lionlena]

Unforgivable mistake (JoelMillerxreader) Part 8

Edit: Sorry yesterday I forgot to add tag list

Summary: Reader is much younger than Joel and is in love with  him. One night, after arguing with Tess and getting drunk, Joel spends  the night with a reader, but in the morning he breaks her heart…  She  runs away from Boston hoping that she will never meet this cold bastard  again in her life. But almost six years later, she unexpectedly sees  Joel in Jackson. She decides to hide herself and her little secret from  this asshole.

Warnings: age gap (reader is about 28 years, Joel 58),  strong language, swearing, past trauma, bullying, attempted rape, memories of sexual abuse, unprotect p in v,  dom!Joel, Joel is asshole, ANGST, hurt, sadness and heartbreaking, sexual harassment, women abuse, violence, injury, sickness.

Part 8

As you suspected, Steve didn't stay long in town. The Wolves left town three weeks after you two broke up. On one of the cloudiest and rainiest days of summer. Autumn was in the air, and you stood on the green hill where the horses grazed and watched the riders go. Suddenly, a cold wind swept over you and you rubbed your bare arms, which were covered with goosebumps. You shivered and suddenly felt warm material land on your back. You looked to the side in surprise and your gaze met warm brown eyes. It was Joel who covered you with his jacket.

"I was wondering where I would find you." He looked into the distance at the diminishing silhouettes of the Wolves. "Will they come back for the winter?"

You shrugged. "Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don't."

He nodded and murmured, "Do you regret breaking up with him?"

You were surprised by his question. You shook your head and replied, "No. Why are you asking that?"

"You seem sadder," he said softly and brushed a stray strand of hair from your cheek. "I just want you to be happy and..." He sighed heavily and you could easily see that he was fighting with his thoughts. "If my behavior was the reason you broke up with him, then I'm sorry."

You smiled slightly at him and took his hand. "I already told you that I and Steve always had different priorities. We had a good time together, but our break up was inevitable. And I'm sad because he's my friend and I'm worried about him."

Joel nodded and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you to his side. He started rubbing your shoulder reassuringly. "I'm sure he can handle it. He doesn't seem like someone who's easily defeated."

You nodded your head and allowed yourself to enjoy the comfort of Joel's body heat. Recently you two were getting closer and closer. It still wasn't anything very intimate. You didn't know if you were ready for this, but you stopped flinching when Joel touched you. Sometimes you even needed it. You were not lovers. But you were partners raising a child together. You have become friends. You liked this arrangement. Though sometimes only for a brief moment you wondered if there could be something more to it. Joel's voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

"Tommy is already whining that winter will come early this year."

"Maybe," you replied and pulled away from him, instantly regretting it. "I have to take the horses back to the stables." You wanted to take off his jacket, but Joel stopped you.

"Keep it. I don't want you to get cold. Help you with the horses?"

"If you want."

He smiled and winked at you, "Sure."

The next few weeks passed quickly. The end of summer and the beginning of autumn has always been a time of intense work. Stocks of food and wood were collected, preserves were prepared and everything was preserved before the onset of winter. Even the patrols were more frequent because looters were more feared in the fall. Because of that, you saw less of Joel. Most of the time, you only had a moment when you exchanged custody of Teddy.

That was how it was supposed to be this time. You and Teddy were walking towards the stables and you said, "When dad comes back from patrol, he'll take you home."

Your son smiled at you and nodded.

Suddenly you saw Sofia running towards you, the girl who recently helped you in the stable, with Anderson's son.

You immediately noticed the scratches on his round face. His eyes were full of tears and his nose was red.

"What happened?"

You may have hated Anderson, but his son was just a kid.

"He took Venus for a ride out of town and fell. He came back alone, and she supposedly ran off towards the river," Sofia said quickly.

She was holding the boy's arm tightly and you suspected she was as angry as you were. You had a hard time keeping from yelling at that brat. You've told him many times that Venus isn't ready for an inexperienced rider, but he obviously had to spite you. You took a deep breath and firmly said, "Take him home. Let his father bind his wounds while I look for Venus."

Anderson's son, instead of remaining silent, stamped his foot and growled, "I'll tell my dad you were mean to me."

That was enough. You leaned over to him and snarled, "Seriously? Then tell daddy he has Joel's greetings too, and we'll see how brave he is then!"

The boy opened his eyes wide and stepped back. You weren't proud of yourself for using Joel as a threat, but you knew he wouldn't mind.

You felt your son grab your hand and cuddle up to your side. You started rubbing his back comfortingly.

"Everything it's ok, Teddy. We'll find Venus."

Sofia looked at you anxiously: "Shall I take care of him?"

Your son immediately whined plaintively, "No. I want to help."

You sighed heavily and thought about it for a moment. Venus was very attached to your son and sometimes she only came when he called.

"I'll take him with me. It might help."

*

Joel returned from patrol and as he led his horse into the stable he immediately looked around. But he only noticed Sofia. The girl seemed worried.

"Hi, Sofia. Have you seen Y/N and Teddy?"

"They went looking for Venus."

"What?!"

The girl quickly told him what had happened. Joel didn't even think twice. He jumped back on his horse.

"Are you going to look for them? You just got back."

"See those dark clouds? It's going to snow soon. I'm not leaving them alone in the woods, they're the two people in the world I care about the most. If we're not back in two hours, tell Tommy what happened."

He hit the horse's flanks with his heels and galloped toward the gate.

*

You looked up and quietly cursed. Just when you were looking for Venus, the first snow must have started to fall. You knew that in two or three days there would be no trace of this snow. Unfortunately, it could have significantly hindered your search by covering up traces.

"Mommy," your son moaned.

You could sense his tiredness and sadness. On top of that, you were wearing clothes that were too thin for the weather. You took your scarf off your neck and wrapped it around your baby boy.

"It's okay, honey. We'll find her soon and come home."

You stopped your horse and looked towards the river. You jumped to the ground and tied the animal to a tree. You helped your little child come down to the ground and knelt beside him.

"Listen to me carefully. I'll go down to the riverbank for a while and see if there are any hoof marks. Don't follow me, it's too steep up there. Okay?"

"Yes."

You smiled and pecked his nose to make him laugh.

You hoped that Venus hadn't crossed the river, but you didn't know what to do anymore. You were slowly losing confidence that you would find her. You didn't notice any hoof prints by the river. You carefully looked around and after a few minutes you returned to the place where you left your son, but the child was nowhere to be found. Only your scarf is left on the ground.

"Teddy!"

You started looking around. He couldn't have gone far. The snow began to fall more and more, and you had no idea which way he went.

"Teddy, don't hide! It's not funny! Teddy!!!"

Panic seized your body. You ran a few meters in one direction and then a few in the other. Your behavior made no sense. You kept calling out to him, but your voice cracked.

Suddenly you heard someone else's voice.

"Y/N!"

Joel jumped off his horse and quickly tied it next to yours. He ran over to you and grabbed your shoulders.

"What happened?"

You started crying loudly. "I lost our son! I lost him!"

"Calm down, take a deep breath." He pulled you to him. "Breathe deeply and tell me where was the last time you saw him and when?"

You took a shaky breath. Joel's touch and voice eased your panic a bit and you began to think straight. "Fifteen minutes ago I left him with Star and went to the river… Oh no, what if he fell into the water?!"

You wanted to run towards the river, but Joel was still holding you tight. "You'd notice him then. Besides, Teddy is too smart to go to the water by himself. Let's look for him in the north. There," he pointed to the south, "there's too much brush. And I came from the city. So north is the surest direction."

You looked at him surprised. "How can you be so calm?"

"Because I know we'll find him. I'm not leaving this damn forest until I find our little son."

His voice was so confident it reassured you. Joel grabbed your hand and you started walking in the direction he pointed. You both kept calling for your son and after a few minutes, you heard him whimpering softly.

"Mommy."

His voice was strangely muffled. You and Joel ran ahead. You found Teddy sitting in a hole. The hole was not very deep, but it was impossible for a small child to get out of it on his own.

Joel immediately jumped down. As soon as the little one saw him, he stretched out his hands towards him and moaned: "Daddy."

Joel grabbed his son. "Hi 'bear cub'. I see you got into a little trouble, but it's okay now." He kissed his son on the cheek. He hugged him briefly before handing him into your waiting arms. After a moment Joel also got out of the trap. You stepped back to a safe distance and knelt down, pulling your crying son to you. You kissed his forehead and said, "Don't ever do that again, Sweetpea. Why did you leave?"

Teddy wrapped his little arms around your neck and moaned, "Mommy…I wanted to help you find Venus."

You sighed heavily and began rubbing his back comfortingly. Joel joined you shortly after. He knelt down beside you and put his arms around you both, making Teddy feel safer. The little boy turned his head towards him, smiling slightly and sniffling.

"You found us, daddy."

Joel wiped the last tears from the child's cheek with his thumb and nodded. "I will always find you because I love you both more than anything in the world."

You looked at Joel in surprise, but it seemed that he himself did not fully realize the words he had just said. You saw how he carefully scanned the child, probably looking for any injuries. Fortunately, Teddy only had a few small scratches on his hands. The bigger problem was that he was cold and started shaking. Joel immediately took off his jacket and wrapped the toddler in it. Teddy was almost drowning in his jacket, but at least he was starting to warm up.

"It's time to go home," said Joel, and he started to get up slowly, but when he tried to pick up the boy, he backed away.

"No! We need to find Venus."

You gave your son a firm look and with a slight admonishment in your voice you said, "Teddy, enough trouble for today."

Your son, however, was not going to give up so easily and looked at dad with those brown, puppy eyes glistening with still unshed tears. Joel swallowed and bit his lip. It was a losing battle and he knew it. He sighed heavily and knelt down next to his son.

"Okay. I tell you what we do. You and mom going back to town and warm up while I look for Venus."

Your son smiled broadly and threw himself into his father's arms. You couldn't believe what you heard. "Joel, you're tired... You just got back from patrol."

He looked at you gently. His heart melted with your concern. And yes, he was tired, but he couldn't let his son down.

"It's alright, I'll be fine."

You didn't like the idea at all, but you knew how stubborn Joel could be. As you sat on the horse with Teddy, still wrapped in his father's jacket, you said, "Be careful. Venus is still young and can be skittish."

He nodded and squeezed your knee for a moment. "It'll be all right."

*

As soon as you are in the stable, Sofia ran up to you.

"Joel found you?"

"Yes," you replied and jumped down to the ground.

"And where is he?"

"Daddy will find Venus!" shouted Teddy with a big smile.

Sofia looked at you surprised, but you shook your head, letting her know not to say anything. You doubted Joel's mission success, but you didn't want to break your little son's heart. There was always a faint hope that the young mare would return on her own.

You were tired and wanted to go home, but your son insisted on staying in the stable. You spent the next hours sitting with him on bales of straw. Your son was almost falling asleep, but he refused to go home. You were getting more and more worried. You wanted Joel to finally come back safe and sound. You wanted to touch him, hug him. Feel his strong hands on your back, cheek, and hip.

You finally decided it was time to inform Tommy, that something might have happened to Joel. He might need help. These thoughts made your heart tremble with anxiety.

But just as you were about to do so, Joel walked into the stables. With two horses.

"You did it!" you couldn't stop screaming with joy.

Your son jumped to his feet and ran to his beloved mare.

"Venus!"

You walked over to Joel and noticed a scratch on his face.

"What happened?"

Joel just shrugged. "You were right... She was skittish. She got away from me once and I fell off my horse." You opened your eyes wider and you gently touch his face. "I'm fine... Maybe just bruised ribs."

You wanted to say something, but your son ran up to him and held out his hands.

"Daddy, you are a hero!"

Joel smiled, but you saw him wince as he lifted the baby into his arms. You saw how tired he is. You rubbed his arm gently.

"Take him home and I'll look after the horses and be back soon."

He nodded his head and didn't even have the strength to try to defy you. Your son didn't protest either. He cuddled up to his dad and you were sure he would fall asleep in his arms halfway there. You were glad that both of your boys were safe now.

You quickly took the saddles off the horses' backs. Venus was still wearing the saddle that Anderson's son had put on her. It caused some minor abrasions, but luckily nothing more serious. As you ushered her into the box stall, you give a kiss in her nostrils and whispered, "Calm down dear, I know it wasn't your fault."

*

When you returned home, you found Joel sitting in your kitchen. His eyes were closed and he seemed to have fallen into a light sleep. You slowly walked over to him and gently brushed your knuckles against his cheek. He jumped a little but calmed down quickly when he saw it was you.

"Hey," you whispered.

"Hey," he replied with a smile. "Teddy fell asleep before we got home. I changed him into pajamas and wrapped him in a blanket."

You nodded your head and stared at his cheek. You stepped away for a moment and took a kitchen towel and a metal bowl from the cupboard, which you filled with cold water. You looked at Joel and said, "Take off your shirt."

"What?!" He looked at you surprised.

You smiled and walked closer to him, placing the bowl on the table. Without waiting for his move, you started unbuttoning his shirt and said, "You said your ribs were bruised. Cold compresses should ease the pain."

He gently grabbed your wrists. "You don't have to do this," he whispered.

"I know, but you didn't have to look for Venus."

"Are you kidding? She's our son's beloved horse and yours." You raised your eyebrows and he chuckled. "Yes, I know you say you don't have a favorite horse, but that's a lie."

You rolled your eyes and tapped him on the chest. "Shirt."

He nodded and finally undressed. You noticed a slight blush on his face as he exposed his chest. You knelt down beside him and sighed. There was a large purple bruise on his right side. You brushed his skin with your fingers and he hissed.

"Are you sure you don't have broken ribs?" you asked anxiously.

But Joel shook his head. "Believe me, I know how broken ribs hurt."

You nodded and started applying a damp, cold towel to his aching body. You noticed that Joel avoided looking at you. He looked away as if ashamed. You didn't understand why. You were delighted to examine his chest covered with small scars. You marveled at his soft belly and wished you'd never had a closer look at his body before. Suddenly, an ugly scar caught your eye. You guessed it was the wound that Ellie told you about. You couldn't help but put your hand on it, glad that it didn't lead to his death.

Joel swallowed hard. He didn't understand why you did it for him. And he thought his body would disgust you. Definitely, his body was no match for Steve's. When he felt the hand that you placed on his scar, he finally dared to look at you. And he saw only concern in your eyes. He cleared his throat slightly, and you finally realized that maybe you'd been keeping your hand on his body a little too long. He noticed the blush appearing on your cheeks and couldn't help but smile a little. Maybe he still had something in him?

Meanwhile, you decided that applying a cold compress to his side should end. You got up and stood between his legs, wanting to take care of the wound on his cheek.

Joel had his hands in his lap and was forcing himself not to put them on your hips. When you said, "I'm done," he felt a painful stab in his chest. He wasn't ready to leave your house that night, and he didn't know how to tell you that. He had to open up to you.

You felt one of his hands gently land on your hip. You looked at him surprised and saw the fear and sadness in his eyes.

"Joel?"

"Let me stay on the night, please. I..." He let out a shaky breath. "There in the woods, for a moment... I thought I was going to lose another child... I..."

His voice cracked and you couldn't stand his pain. You gently cupped his face with your hands. "It's okay," you whispered.

His eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I know, but... I want to keep an eye on him."

"All right."

You've never seen him so sensitive and you couldn't stand it. You had to do something. You moved closer to him and wrapped your arms around his head, pulling him to your chest. You felt his arms wrap around you. Joel sighed and let himself shed a few tears. You suddenly realized that Joel was calm in the woods because he knew he had to be strong. If you both started panicking, it would really make the search harder. You felt a twinge of guilt and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Joel pulled away from your body and shook his head. "It's not your fault. If anyone is guilty, it's Anderson's brat," he growled.

You smiled and said, "You know he tried to scare me with his father." Joel raised his eyebrows. "But it's possible I scared him with you." You bit your lip, waiting for his reaction.

Joel laughed lightly and replied, "Good."

You ran your hand through his hair and said, "Let's go to sleep now." You pulled away and handed him his shirt. Heading to the bedroom, you noticed that Joel had turned into the living room. "What are you doing?"

He looked at you surprised and thought for a moment that you had changed your mind. "You said I could stay."

The sadness in his voice made you want to hug him. Instead, you softly replied, "But not on the couch. Not when your ribs are bruised. You won't be able to get up tomorrow morning."

"So what's your plan?"

You bit your lip for a moment. You knew your plan wasn't the best, but you had no other. "I'd say I'll sleep on the couch." Joel opened his mouth, but you quickly interjected, "I know you won't agree to this, so... My bed is big enough. We'll lie down in it together, with our clothes on."

He walked over to you with an uncertain expression on his face. "Are you sure? I don't want to force anything on you."

You smiled slightly. "We'll just sleep in the same bed, nothing more."

Joel was still undecided as he lay in your bed, but you reassured him once again that you would keep your distance and everything would be fine. You lay down on your side with your back to him. He chose to lie on his back because of his ribs. You were both so exhausted that you fell asleep right away. However, your own body has decided to betray you.

It was still night. You started to wake up, but you were still engulfed in a dream fog. You slowly began to realize that you were cuddling up to something warm and solid. You first dismissed that thought when suddenly it hit you. You opened your eyes and understood. You cuddled up to Joel's left side. You actually snuggled into him like some kind of cudly octopus. An arm across his chest and a leg hooking his hip. You barely held back a squeal. You decided to just slowly pull away from him and don't wake him up. He'll be unaware of what you've done. You felt his hand lightly comb your hair. You jumped up suddenly and hovered over him.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" He asked.

Even in the darkness, you could see the worry in his eyes.

"I... I'm sorry... I know you don't like it." Joel frowned, unsure what you meant, so you added, "That morning when I cuddled up to you like this..."

You tried to move away, but Joel stopped you. "No, please, don't move away. I was an idiot then." He gently stroked your cheek. "I think we both need comfort after today."

He gently pulled you back to him, and you couldn't resist. Joel was right. You needed comfort. You rested your head on his chest again and placed your hand on his body, but you kept your legs some distance from his body. You sighed heavily and had to get rid of the thought that was bothering you.

"You think I'm a bad mother?"

"What?" he gasped.

"I lost him."

Joel wrapped his arms around you and kissed the top of your head. "Oh dear, do you think that makes you a bad mother? You love him and sacrifice yourself for him. Teddy is a happy, sweet child and today's events don't erase that. Besides, these things happen. When Sarah was three years I left her alone for a minute and she fell down the stairs."

You tilted your head slightly, "Really?"

"Yes. She cried so hard that Tommy had to drive us to the hospital because I was too panicked."

You started rubbing his chest gently. Joel rarely spoke about his deceased daughter, and you knew it cost him a lot.

"Did something happen to her?"

"No. She only had a bump. The doctor who treated her told me it was normal. Parents make mistakes, they stumble, and children only need their love, not perfection."

You smiled and closed your eyes.

"Thank you," you whispered.

You felt Joel hug you tighter. He pressed his lips to your head and murmured, "You're welcome. Let's try to get some sleep."

You were asleep before he finished his sentence.

Part 7

Part 9

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[woman-of-balnain]

Undone in Sorrow Part 9/10 (Alpha Rick x Omega Reader)

Previous Part | Collection Masterlist | AO3 Ver. | Next Part

Pairing: Rick Grimes/Fem!Reader

Summary: Rick relieves some of his built up tension before his final confrontation with Negan.

A/N: So, I guess the most important thing is to say that I’ve already decided I’m going to do a complete rewrite of this story. I’m going to post chapter 10 and then finish the other things I have on my writing list, but then I’m going to come back to this.

I just struggled so much with writing this story because my initial idea was kinda vague and things just kept adapting in my mind after the first 4 parts were posted. It’s hard with fanfic because you’re making it public as you’re still writing it and working it out.

So, yeah I just think the pacing is off with this one and certain plot points could have been handled better. I may eventually remove this version on here (idk yet) but I’ll keep it on ao3.

Anyway, if you’re struggling to keep reading at this point then I totally get it, since I’m struggling to keep writing it 😅 so if you wanna abandon this version and come back to check out the rewrite when I do it, then go for it. But I’ll still finish this one with the final part tomorrow.

Okay, regarding this part, it opens with smut. I'm not entirely happy with it, so I may come back and edit it to just expand on it a bit over the next few days, as I feel like it's maybe too rushed and/or repetitive.

The plot is kinda minor in this one, since the smut takes up most of it, but everything will be wrapped up in the next part, which is all plot.

Warnings: Smut, unprotected sex, Rick cumming inside, elements of breeding kink (but I mean Reader is already pregnant so...)

Word Count: 4,233

Dividers by: cafekitsune + newlips

Did you really believe?

C'mon, did you really believe

That everyone makes it out?

Almost no one makes it out

You're talkin' to one right now

For once, almost was good enough

It felt like at least half a year had gone by since you last encountered Negan. In reality it was only a couple of weeks, but Rick’s promise to keep the other alpha away from you had held so far. It was now an all out war, after your group had finally started fighting back against the Saviors. With everything going on, you started to see Rick less and less.

When you did see him, he was always tense and on edge. It was usually only late at night, on evenings like the current one, that he ever seemed to let himself relax a little. You were half asleep when you heard the front door open, telling you Rick must finally be home.

You snuggled further into the covers, hearing footsteps coming up the stairs and expecting him to come into the bedroom at any moment. But when everything got quiet again and there was still no sign of Rick, you realized that it must have been Carl coming upstairs alone, without your alpha. You knew that Carl would’ve told you if anything was wrong, so your curiosity got the better of you and you got up.

Your steps were soft and quiet as you walked out into the hall and then descended to the bottom floor. The kitchen light was on and that was where you found Rick, sitting at the table with a drink in one hand and the other running through his hair in frustration. His whole body looked tense and there was blood on his skin and clothes.

“Are you hurt?” You asked him worriedly, crossing the distance to stand beside him.

He looked up, seeming like he had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed you were there.

“Hey sweetheart,” he greeted you softly. “I’m okay, it’s not my blood.”

You moved behind him, letting your hands rest on his shoulders before you moved to take his jacket off. He let you, shrugging his arms out of the sleeves to help you remove it more quickly. Then when he was left in just his white shirt, your hands moved under the material and began to lightly knead at his tired and aching muscles.

You felt Rick relax, and he tilted his head back slightly as a moan of relief escaped his lips. You began to apply a little more pressure, working away the knots that had built up with all the stress he’d been under.

“That feels so good baby,” he breathed out.

You just smiled, continuing your ministrations as his body began to ease up more and more. Rick let out quiet, but content sighs and you felt bad that he’d barely had any reprieve lately, let alone time to himself. Leaning forward, you pressed a kiss to his cheek, and he reached up to take one of your hands in his.

“Come here,” he murmured.

You pulled back only briefly, just so that you could move around the chair and come in front of him. Rick wrapped one arm around your waist like it was second nature and brought you closer to him until you were pulled into his lap.

Your legs fell to either side of his and the thin material of your panties did little to stop the stimulation you felt from his half-hard bulge being pressed against you through his jeans. You brought a hand up to his cheek, fingers lightly tracing over the short grey hairs there while your thumb brushed over his bottom lip.

You let out a quiet but startled laugh when he nipped playfully at your thumb, pulling it between his teeth as his eyes darkened with desire. You pulled your hand away from his mouth, bringing it down to his shirt and playing with the collar while his hands settled on your hips.

“I need you,” he breathed out. “Please baby.”

He used his hold on you to grind your hips down onto him and you felt him harden even more, proving his point. You let out a sound that was something between a gasp and a moan, tightening your hold on his shirt in the process. You bit down on your bottom lip and his pupils dilated so much that the black seemed to completely consume the blue.

“Let me fuck you ‘mega,” he continued, his voice deep and gruff, betraying how badly he needed it.

You nodded, feeling wetness build between your legs just from the way he was looking at you - let alone the way he was talking and how insanely sexy his tone of voice was. Rick moved his hands lower before letting them disappear underneath the bottom of your oversized nightshirt. His fingertips moving gently across your naked skin was the best kind of torture. It was enough to excite you but also not enough, because it just left you aching for more.

“Please,” now you were the one begging. “Don’t tease me, Rick.”

A smirk played across his lips as his fingers inched ever higher.

“You wet for me already baby?” He guessed.

“Do you even need to ask?”

Sometimes it felt like he knew your body even better than you did. He knew what he was doing to you and how easy it was for him to turn you on. You let out a desperate moan when his fingers brushed over your clit through your panties. Then he ran two fingers up and down your slit, feeling how moist the material of your underwear was.

“That’s my girl,” he praised you. “Always so eager for me.”

Your hips bucked, making his fingers press into you, only stopped by the barrier of your panties. He clearly didn’t like that, since he was quick to push the fabric to the side and let himself touch you properly. Your back arched as he buried his fingers deep inside you, curling them up to tease the bundle of nerves there. You squeezed down around him, and he groaned.

“Rick… I need you now. Please, I need you inside of me.”

“Not yet baby,” he denied you.

“Why not?” You practically whined in frustration.

“I need to taste you,” he moaned.

Rick then pulled his fingers away from you and you felt frustrated by it for only a brief moment before he was lifting your hips and setting you on the edge of the table. He pulled your panties down your legs impatiently before spreading your thighs wide for him.

His gaze was fixated on your wet pussy, and it made you feel hot all over with intense desire. He spread your folds before pushing his fingers back into you and leaning forward until his head was buried between your legs.

“Oh, fuck!” You moaned out, hips pushing forward slightly.

His tongue flicked over your clit while his lips sucked around it and the coarse hair of his short beard tickled your soft and sensitive skin. Rick was no amateur; he was a god damned expert. He knew exactly how to bring you into a state of euphoria. His tongue gave firm and precise strokes, causing your sensitive nub to harden with sheer arousal. And all the while his fingers were working your pussy towards ecstasy with the way they pumped in and out of you, scissoring and then curling up at other times.

You brought your fingers to his thick hair, grasping at his curls in desperation. Rick alternated between flicking his tongue rapidly over your clit and flattening it out to give long and languid strokes. That, paired with the movements of his fingers, and the way he sucked down around you every now and then, was bringing you closer to the edge.

He moaned against you, the sound vibrating through your pussy and causing your hips to buck up of their own accord. And when his teeth nipped ever so softly at your clit, your entire body seemed to quiver with pure and intrinsic satisfaction.

You threw your head back and your entire upper body arched as your legs wrapped around Rick’s shoulders. He just kept worshipping you with his mouth and fucking you with his fingers, loving the way he could make you come undone. You were breathing heavily, soft moans leaving your lips as you didn’t even bother trying to hide them.

When your body stopped shaking, Rick pulled away from you gently. While your mind reeled with orgasmic bliss, he pulled his shirt over his head and then worked to get rid of his belt. You watched him through half-lidded eyes, gazing at him appreciatively as his body was gradually revealed to you.

Taking in the sight of his toned chest briefly, your eyes then wandered downwards to where he was pulling his jeans and boxers down his hips. You moaned at the sight of how hard he was, his long and thick cock clearly aching for its own release.

Rick settled himself between your thighs, one hand grasping his hardened length as he let it glide up and down your pussy. The head nudged against your clit, and you thrust your hips up in frustration.

“You ready for me baby?” He asked, deciding to tease you a little further.

“God, Rick,” you moaned out. “Just fuck me already!”

“You sure?” He smirked. “I’m not gonna be gentle.”

“I don’t care,” you whined.

He pulled his cock back far enough so that he could line himself up at your entrance before thrusting in hard. Rick let out a deep and guttural groan before sliding out and then pounding back in rapidly. He stretched you out perfectly, in a way that caused your walls to wrap tightly around him.

“Your pussy is always so greedy for me baby,” he moaned out, setting a ruthless pace. “Like you never wanna let me go.”

He slammed his hips back and forth, the sound of your skin meeting and smacking together reverberating throughout the room.  Rick held onto your waist in a vice like grip, continuing his merciless rhythm. You couldn’t say a word; the only sounds leaving your throat were ones of shameless desperation.

You felt him everywhere, not only deep inside of you, not just the touch of his skin around you, and not simply his lust-addled scent either. You felt his emotions through your shared bond too. The aching need he felt for you, how much he loved the feel of your pussy clamping down around him, his desperation to ensure that you would always remain solely his and the deep and intense love he held for you.

You looked down through half-lidded eyes, seeing the way his cock disappeared so effortlessly into your pussy, burying itself to the hilt and then sliding back out at a relentless pace over and over again. His movements were more primal and brutal than usual, causing his cock to overstimulate your sensitive walls.

Rick leaned forward, bending his head down to capture one of your hardened nipples into his mouth, relieving the aching nubs which had been begging to be touched. He moved one of his hands from your hips to squeeze and knead your other breast, his fingers wrapping around and teasing your other nipple. All the while, his teeth gently tugged on the one between his lips, sending a feeling of carnal desire through you once again.

Your pussy contracted around Rick’s cock, squeezing down tightly. His tongue lapped over one nipple, while his fingers tugged on the other. Your legs spasmed and your mind momentarily went blank as that familiar and intense wave of pleasure washed over you once again.

“That’s it baby,” he coaxed, pulling away from your tits to take in the sight of you. “I love the way you milk my cock. Love the way you look when you cum for me.”

He never let up in the brutal and rough way he was fucking into you, but you felt the way his length throbbed and twitched deep inside of you, telling you that he was close to cumming as well.

“Rick…I need…to feel you…”

Although your words were vague and breathed out in utter desperation, he knew exactly what you wanted.

“You want me to cum deep inside you baby?” He practically growled out the question, voice filled with unbridled lust. “Right here?”

He pressed his hand against your lower stomach, and you nodded wildly.

“Yes,” you moaned desperately. “Please, I wanna feel it.”

“You wanna feel my cum filling you up?”

“Mmm,” you continued nodding frantically.

It didn’t matter that it wouldn’t do anything. You just needed to feel the evidence of his own release deep inside of you. To have it anywhere else just felt wrong. Rick brought his fingers down to your clit, rubbing against you expertly and driving you even crazier.

You were still coming down from your last orgasm, so you felt hypersensitive. Rick bent his head again, this time so that his lips could kiss along your mating gland. It sent shivers of desire coursing through you and when he began to suck down on the sensitive skin, your pussy squeezed down around him again.

Rick seemed to react out of instinct more than anything, his teeth biting down lightly. It wasn’t enough to break the skin, but it did cause another wave of pleasure to wash over you. Your back arched but Rick kept you held tightly against him as he thrust in deeply one last time, spurts of his cum flooding your pussy and filling you up with wet warmth.

“Oh god…” you moaned out wantonly, clinging to the naked skin of his back.

Rick continued to bite gently on your claiming bite, almost possessively as each pinch to the sensitive mark caused your pussy to contract around him repeatedly.

“You feel so fucking good,” he praised you. “My perfect ‘mega. Made just for me.”

He began to kiss along your neck affectionately, the long curls of his hair brushing lightly against your skin as they fell down over his forehead. Your pussy squeezed him for everything he had to give until he was completely spent.

Your walls were sore from the rough fucking he just gave you, but it was the sinful kind of aching, which left you thoroughly sated. You were both breathing heavily, with a light sheen of sweat covering your bodies as you came down from your highs.

You kept him pressed against you, enjoying the way his lips soothed your hypersensitive body. His fingers traced along your hips and then across to your lower stomach, caressing the place where his child already lay.

“I’ll keep you both safe,” he murmured against your skin, like he was talking more to himself than he was to you.

You brought your hand to his cheek, coaxing him to look at you. When he did, you saw that he looked far less tense than he did when you found him after coming downstairs. Still, the way he had ruthlessly thrust into you usually only happened when he was in a rut and then sometimes when he felt extremely angry or frustrated over something.

“Are you okay?” You asked him gently.

His gaze softened into a loving expression, and he brushed the tip of his nose against yours affectionately.

“I’m fine, sweetheart.”

He seemed like he was telling the truth but something in the back of your mind still made you feel unsure. Nevertheless, you gave him a small smile and tried to forget about it. He had sheltered you from most of what was going on lately, so you had no real idea of what he was facing every day. But it only seemed natural that he was more on edge than usual.

“Stop overthinking,” he softly said, reading you easily.

“Sorry,” you replied sheepishly.

His lips curved up into an amused smile, as his fingers came up to gently take hold of your chin.

“You make everything else fall away,” he murmured, looking at you with such intense adoration and love that you felt your cheeks heat into a blush. “Until it’s just you and me.”

He had never told you anything like that before, but it was exactly what you experienced when he was kissing or touching or making love to you. The world slipped away, along with all of your thoughts and worries until there was only Rick.

You didn’t get a chance to tell him that though because he didn’t wait for a response before he brought his lips to yours in a soft and devoted kiss. You let yourself melt into it, the aforementioned experience quickly overcoming you, leaving just you and Rick occupying your mind, with everything else fading into nothingness for now.

Looking back, you wished you had cherished that moment a little more because it was the last really intimate and private moment you had with Rick before everything got bad again. Alexandria fell during another attack from Negan and the Saviors, causing you all to abandon your home and flee to Hilltop instead.

You had been relieved when you saw Maggie and she had hugged you tightly for far longer than usual. But the need to get things finished took precedence over any proper semblance of a reunion and she was quick to get to work with Rick and the others so that they could finally end the nightmare that had begun the first night you all met Negan.

Rick wasn’t really himself in those last days. He wasn’t necessarily distant, but he was a little closed off, the stress of it all getting to him. The night before they planned to go against the Saviors for the final time, he was quiet and lost in his own thoughts. You were both staying in the same room as last time, the one you had recovered in after he came back to Hilltop for you. It was there where you found him sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands with his mind somewhere else.

“Hey,” you said softly, moving to his side. “Everything okay?”

He looked over and up at you with his brow furrowed in a way that expressed he was having some doubts.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “Just thinkin’ about tomorrow.”

You sat down beside him and lifted one of your hands to gently run through the curls at the nape of his neck.

“It’ll be fine,” you tried to reassure him.

“What if it isn’t?”

“I believe in you. If anyone can beat him, you can.”

“You know, that’s what Maggie said to me that day… in the RV. That she believed in me.”

“Rick…”

He turned to face you properly and your hand fell back down into your lap.

“I promised you I’d kill him,” Rick reminded you. “But every time I’ve gotten close, he always gets away.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” You asked with a frown. “Rick, I don’t care about that! Not really. I only care about you getting out of this whole thing alive. If he gets away again, then you can just try again.”

“Nothing’s gonna happen to me,” he promised, taking one of your hands in his. “I just… what if killing Negan makes us as bad as him?”

You wondered if his promise to you was weighing on him. You had grown so used to the person he had become, the man who didn’t hesitate to kill if it meant protecting the people he loved. The idea that he would have doubts about killing Negan of all people seemed strange to you. But ultimately no one had pushed your group to the depths of grief and despair like he had. Maybe Rick had a point. Maybe you needed to start being the better people within the cruel and merciless world you now found yourselves in.

You couldn’t help but to think back to that conversation you had with your father, back at the prison. Looking back at the Governor, he seemed like nothing compared to Negan. But you had been so worried that this new world would make all of you become just as cold and heartless as he was. In retrospect, you wondered if people like him just always had darkness lurking deep inside them and the world falling apart meant that they no longer felt a need to hide it.

But Hershel’s words rang through your mind, telling you that a day like this might come, where you had to remember what was right and what was wrong, even if it was hard to distinguish between the two. What would he make of all this, though? The pain Negan had inflicted on you and Maggie. The brutal way he had killed Glenn. The inner conflict and turmoil Rick was facing.

Things at the prison seemed like a picnic compared to this. Would your father tell Rick to spare Negan? Even as his daughter, you weren’t certain of the answer. You could only give Rick your own advice.

“I don’t know if it makes us as bad as him,” you answered honestly. “If you get the opportunity to do it, I think it’s ultimately up to you to decide what you do. I’m sorry, but I just don’t know…”

He nodded, lowering his gaze from yours to look down at your joined hands.

“But I’m not going to hold it against you, either way,” you continued. “Whatever you decide, I’ll stand by you no matter what.”

Rick looked up at you again, his eyes filled with relief.

“I’ll keep us all safe,” he promised, alluding to the fact that he would stick to that vow no matter the outcome. “I won’t let him hurt you again, Y/N.”

“I know,” you offered him a small smile.

Rick pulled his hand from yours so that he could tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear, his fingers then moving to cradle the back of your head, bringing you closer to him.

“I love you so much,” he whispered against your lips.

“And I love you,” was your ardent reply, before you pressed your mouth to his.

Rick’s fingers tangled in your hair and pulled you closer. Your hands clung to the front of his shirt, and you let yourself get lost in the way his lips claimed yours desperately, forceful and bruising in their movements. His tongue stroked passionately against yours, like he was cherishing the feel and the taste of you.

There was so much worry and anxiety plaguing your mind, as you were unable to know what tomorrow might bring. You hoped with every fiber of your being that it would all work out, but you just didn’t have the ability to know that for sure. So, you savored every second of his kiss and every touch he offered you.

Then, eventually, just like always, those troubles left your mind as it became consumed by Rick. And rather than just savoring it all, you allowed yourself to enjoy it too.

Rick groaned from the wounds on his stomach that Negan had inflicted with that bat he called Lucille. He wasn’t able to get up just yet and had to listen to the other alpha drone on and on about the night they met. But then Negan shifted the topic of conversation, inciting Rick’s wrath once again.

“You know, maybe with you out of the picture, I can finally get a real piece of that omega of yours. I’ve claimed her now, bit into that sweet and supple skin… once you’re gone, she’ll be all mine.”

Rick should’ve known the other man was intentionally trying to get a rise out of him, but he didn’t care. He saw red whenever someone threatened you - in any way. So, he kicked his foot against Negan’s leg, tripping the other man and causing him to fall to the ground as well.

Rick didn’t waste time, moving to climb on top of the other man and plummet his fist straight down into Negan’s face. The other alpha tried to reach for his bat, but Rick kicked it out of the way before landing another blow. Negan grunted in pain, blood pooling out of his nose as the bones there broke pitifully. Rick didn’t stop; he was finally able to release all the pent up rage he had been holding in, unleashing it on the man who had tried to destroy his entire world.

He forgot his doubts from the night before, believing that he was better, simply because he had been pushed to his limits, brought to his breaking point over and over again until it all culminated into this. He wasn’t as bad as Negan, who did it all out of some sick sense of satisfaction. Rick told himself that he was doing this for you, for Carl, for Judith, for your unborn child and for everyone else - both the ones who were gone and the ones who had been left behind.

The only thing that was able to stop him as he raised his fist to pound it into the other alpha’s face another time, was the sharp pain that suddenly spread through his body. Rick paused, looking down as warm liquid pooled across his skin and seeped through his shirt. Then he saw the knife sticking out from where Negan had plunged it into him.

--

Next Part

--

[needlesandnilbogs]

⭐ for the ask game! Gimme some director's commentary on your favorite of your fics!

You get mini-rant about superhero au because it's on my mind again and I'm taking a metaphorical axe to the long term plans for it right now (and lowkey wishing I'd thought about it more before I posted it last year) (read more bc I'm ramble-y tonight lol)

I should have cut the entire first bit of this and rewritten the second bit. third arc in that story is great and the prologue is great but the first and second arcs need to be better

For once, I'm not thinking about this in terms of lore changes --- I've had. Uh. A lot of the thoughts pretty clearly in mind since near the beginning (the backstory of hero mensah and her villain partners, the secret identity of actually-evil-villain Corporate, all the other backstories, exact power ideas and limitations) and don't need to edit that much for consistency --- but about the actual execution, especially the way they all handle balancing superheroics and secret identities.

I like the prologue, except for I think that Mensah probably would have had slightly more charitable words for Tano from the start (if not for Amena). Prologue can stay.

However. If I hadn't published it already (and I'm honestly just going to leave it rn bc I don't mind it, but I can still feel annoyed about it not being what I actually want), I would cut the first proper arc entirely, not because I'm not proud of it, but because it kind of duplicates the second arc, and not in a good way; it's a disconnected bunch of them interacting as secret identities and being Weird about it, and it leads into the next arc pretty much exactly. If I were rewriting this I'd probably keep it as the aftermath of a Corporate attack, but cut most of it down to a short description of the heroes working together, then the after-battle bits (adding a moment with the heroes deciding they're at the point they really need to get Corporate's identity for an arrest warrant, maybe making it actually clear that Gurathin is Pin-Lee's cousin and not some random person hanging around, and for sure clarifying something about what's going on with ratthi and Bharadwaj), then put the parts where they're investigating each other as part of the next arc.

The second arc also needs a bunch of things changed, but it's actually half-decent as a single storyline, if you actually start halfway through the previous arc. However:

I like thinking about how Mensah's council staff would respond to her being kidnapped approximately every other week and I should have said more about that (she plans about two days a month with nothing serious scheduled, so she can reschedule meetings she misses onto those days if needed; the council staff has a standing script for if someone needs her while she's busy being kidnapped; there's an actual emergency line that one of the most trusted staffers has that can get to her comm so she can respond if she's busy being kidnapped but they seriously need her)

I should have made it clearer that Mensah was absolutely complicit in the kidnapping bit and that she wasn't actually mad at Tano or Farai, just annoyed not to be told in advance (consensual kidnapping), but Ratthi was not consensually kidnapped, he was treated well but he was, also, actually literally kidnapped by supervillains and would probably have been freaking out more.

Also, a thing I'd do over would be to start with Mensah and her partners idly chatting about this plan over dinner a few days earlier, as part of the bit where everyone's investigating everyone else, so Mensah knows what's going on and why, just not when, exactly, her partners plan on pulling this one off.

Also also, Mensah probably needs to actually have a talk with her partners on screen about identities after everything, but other than that I don't actually mind the part where they reveal themselves to each other, and honestly I think it's okay that she doesn't tell anyone about her partners until later (might put it such that that reveal happens directly after that arc, but I like the moment where mensah tells pin-lee later and I'd move that to fit, and I don't mind mensah telling overse bc Overse notices the distress and wants to offer comfort). I think they'd need to talk and she'd need their permission to tell anyone (outside the team psychic lol) but they all should find out sooner than they actually do (in what I've actually written they will know by the next fic in the series for sure tho)

Anyways the third arc in there is great and I like it a lot. actual mystery with actual clues in there and arada doing mad science. 10/10 no notes.

[senzasord]

Life update - haven't done one of these in a while, but I reached a save point, so a good time for it.

Read more break because it's longish:

- finally finished the assignment that was due in april. Far too late to submit, but I've emailed my course advisor (and will over the next week build up the courage to email my unit coordinator as well). I don't have to process this until next year when I re-take the unit, but if you don't count my capstone assessment for prac next year, then that was my last assignment for my masters of teaching. I'm frustrated with how long it took, but I really enjoyed completing it, and maybe I'll get to implement it one day (it was a proposal for a classroom intervention)

- mum and older sib finally found a rental, and also grandad's will has been done, so for the first time in my life I'm not worried about mum having money. Hopefully it lasts - it's not too much, but enough that i can breathe, and mum's getting better with money too, so it should last a bit. I actually really don't know what to do with myself.

- Cody has an infected paw. Vet wants to do exploratory surgery. I'm worried because of his age, but they wouldn't recommended it if they weren't sure he couldn't handle it. Now that mum can afford it, it's been scheduled after the move

- Singing lessons are going well - won't go into it too much because I've been doing that enough on the other blog. Almost done for the year though. I hope to rebuild my practice over the summer

- Had another big flare from around mid-July to end of August, and spent September recovering from it, but doing better now. It's been really frustrating because the whole point of moving my prac was to have this half of the year to work on my health (e.g. starting the CHOP protocol to manage my POTS better), but most of the time has been taken up by flaring and finishing that assignment (which was, of course, delayed because of the flare). I've been trying to make peace with it by reminding myself the flare would have happened anyway, and it's been informative to know I can finish anything given enough time and not forced to quit for the start of a new unit. Also, class doesn't go back until February, so I still do have a lot of time. I might have to move my prac again, but again, that decision is a long way off. My brain is just good at dilating and shrinking timeframes in an unhelpful way. Knock on wood for no more big flares for the rest of the year (and not catching covid third year in a row! Now that the flare is over and my assignment is finished, I can get my booster finally)

- Now that flare is over, slowly reconnecting with friends I haven't been able to stay in touch with. Slow going, but it's been good to see people and talk to people in real life who aren't my coworkers, my housemate, and my doctors. Also means I get to enjoy better the company of my friends of my weekly discord game. They'd never admit it, but I can be pretty annoying during a flare, so I'm glad we might get a reprieve from me for a while

I think there's other stuff, but those are the big ones. I've promised myself to do no teaching study for a few weeks. But I do have start all the admin and house things i"ve been putting off - I currently have 8 empty butter containers soaking for recycling that have been slowly collecting in the fridge since february. I hope I don't make a fool of myself by being optimistic - I could have another flare tomorrow. And I'm still exhausted all the time, but at the moment it's less so, so for the time being, I'll take the win.

Edit: my friend just finished their thesis!!!! WAHOOOOOO!!!!

[putonmyfavoriteshow]

Writing advent calendar

Day 16

Prompt: Mistletoe Title: The Mistletoe Experiment I know I missed Days 1-15, but thought I'd finally had time to jump in on this one... Summary: Camila has a plan to get Natalia under the mistletoe...for science.

EDIT: read here for ao3

The Studio kids begged Pablo to let them finish their class early the day before they took off for the holidays to have a little potluck to celebrate the season. He decided they deserved a little fun after all their hard work so far that year, but they'd have to handle all the planning for it. So they all agreed to take on different tasks, and bring snacks.

Fran and Violetta baked some Christmas sugar cookies together. And also came up with a list of Christmas songs the group would sing. Andres recently purchased a chicken that was going to provide the eggs for his "Special Eggnog", but considering the chicken was actually a rooster, no one had any interest in trying this. León already had plenty of hot chocolate prepared as backup for drinks.

Ludmila had signed up to bring 'whatever Naty was bringing'. So Naty decided to make some little reindeer treats she found online out of chocolates and pretzels on behalf of them both.

Broduey brought in some candy canes for everyone. He even dressed like Santa to do the job. Diego also volunteered to help him and dressed like an elf. He acted like he was given the short end of the stick of what to bring, but for some reason he had an elf costume at the ready, and it's not like he didn't have other options...

Maxi and Cami teamed up to work on decorations together so it would be a bit more festive. 

Maxi even brought a dreidel and some chocolate coins to offer a mix of holiday traditions since he had a Jewish uncle who would surprise him with the gelt around the holidays that he looked forward to every year. _

Maxi and Cami made some paper snowflakes they hung over the stage, and some lights they strung around the piano. They brought in a little Christmas Tree next to the table they were using for all the food. They covered the table with red and green table cloth, and stuck a menorah on it as well.

Cami also had a special decoration, she brought herself for her own ...scientific purposes. 

Ever since Naty and Camila practiced Cami’s kissing scene a few weeks prior, the actress was thinking about ways to kiss her again….for research. She would report her findings in a new kissing book she started, since this was all for an experiment. What that experiment was exactly, she wasn’t quite sure yet....Maybe to become more convincing during her character's kiss scenes? Yeah! That was sensible, right?

After Camila had dragged Naty home that afternoon on that fateful day, she hadn’t planned to really continue the scene with Naty but the nervous brunette was confused and insistent on running lines with her. And Cami really did need to practice with somebody so why not trust one of her closest friends? Plus Naty was a pretty good actress herself when she got into character...maybe a little too in character. Still when the script got to the kissing part, she didn’t imagine Naty would lean in and she herself would lean in too or the way she felt when their lips tou...

“Wow Cami, we really killed it with the decorations, huh?” Maxi said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders admiring their work.

"Mmhmm," Cami nodded nervously, embarrassed that she was just caught in a daze daydreaming about (stage*) kissing his girlfriend.

And with her secret plan brewing, she suddenly felt uncomfortable at the prospect of going through with it.

She excused herself from Maxi, and headed over by the doorway where she had previously snuck off to hang the mistletoe while Maxi was distracted by setting up the Menorah, and was reaching up to grab it and take it down when Naty approached her.

“Ohmigosh Camila, you have to try my Rudolph pretzels! They actually taste really good!” Naty said with her mouth full, and shoving a handful of tiny reindeer into the red head’s face.

“Oh! Thanks Natalia, I’ll give them a try.” Cami grabbed a few and tossed them in her mouth and began to chew tentatively before the perfectly combined sweet and salty taste took over her senses.

“Mmmm, these are really good!”

“Right?”

“I’ll have to show you the recipe sometime, maybe you can make some for your sisters and - OH”

“What?”

Naty began to laugh over-enthusiastically as her focus was now above Camila’s head.

“Naty, what’s so funny?”

Suddenly, Cami realized what had redirected Naty’s attention and that her plan was accidentally now in motion. Without even setting her up, Naty had walked right into her mistletoe trap.

“Well, I guess we have to follow the laws of Christmas tradition…” Naty scratched at the back of her head.

“Yeah, I mean who knows what..er...how we'd be cursed if we didn't....” Cami shrugged.

After a moment of pause, Naty gradually perched herself up on her toes and Cami leaned down slowly and the two were just about to fufill the yuletide tradition when...

“NATALIA!”

The two immediately parted to opposite ends of the open doorway as Ludmila walked through them like she was Moses parting the Red Sea. She turned directly to Naty.

“Did you remember to bring our snack? Pablo said I can’t eat unless I brought something, but we agreed to do ours together and you made them last night, right?”

“Yeah Ludmi, they’re right over there?” Naty said pointing to the table to her left, but eyes still tentatively traveling between Ludmi cowering over her, and Cami behind her.

“Good….and um, thank you.” Ludmila added and patted her head awkwardly, as she was still trying to find a balance in treating Naty like an equal.

Cami sighed looking down at her feet. I guess this is for the best, she thought.

Meanwhile, Naty waited for Ludmi to be out of sight and once she was far enough away, grabbed Cami gently by her chin and pulled her down swiftly for a long deep kiss.

After it was over, Cami quickly looked around to see if anyone had witnessed their liplock, but all their classmates were hovered over the table at the other side of the room, eating and talking, totally missing what had just transpired turning Cami as bright red as her hair.

“Cool decorations, Cami!” Naty smirked.

Cami stuttered but before she can come up with a response, Naty already skipped off to Ludmila’s side.

Camila's brain short-circuited from the new set of information she had to now record in her findings.

[xexiar]

Keep Watching. 44

Ch43 Ao3

----

Chapter 44

While entering class, I quickly rushed over to Bakugo and Midoriya. “Are you serious about the collector's edition to All Might Brawl 6? Cause I heard that was going to be extra expensive when it gets released to the public.”

“Good morning, Kirishima. And yeah. The store I usually go to, during game release, informed me of the special event happening for this game. At that, I had already entered the raffle for early comers. And during the actual release, I can enter again, along with everyone us.”

“What the hell!” We looked over to Bakugo, who fully turned around to face us. Before long, Kaminari, Sato, Ojiro, Tokoyami, Mineta, and Sero joined us in talking about the upcoming game. “There’s no way they’re finally adding Jack Rabbit! They said that about the last game, and he wasn’t there.”

“Right! But when looking through the upcoming raster, there was Jack Rabbit and even the new hero costume for Edgeshot.”

“You’re lying, Deku! They promised us Jack Rabbit for All Might Brawl 5 and ended up giving us Brazilian jumping hero, Rasta.”

“Bakubro is right. I was so looking forward to Steelcage, but he ended up being cut. So, unless I see that Jack Rabbit and Steelcage in AMB6, I won’t believe it.”

“Exactly.” We looked over at Tokoyami. “They promised Ms. Kist 3 games in a row. But she always gets cut. So, what makes you think we will believe their lies now?”

As Midoriya was about to say something, is when we could hear the door about to open. We quickly rushed to our seats and got ready for class. After Aizawa went over the course again for the internships next week, he reminded us that today, we get to start picking out our heroes' names. Which I almost completely forgot about. And the way I could see Kaminari shake in front of me, I’m glad I wasn’t the only person.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure if I ever thought of a name. Maybe I could pay homage to my favorite hero. Would that even be allowed? Especially since he’s my inspiration for the type of hero I want to be. So, what kind of name would pay homage while it still being me? 

What if I have something that mentions my quirk? What kind of name would sound cool with having “hardened’ in it? Thinking about it now, that sounds so wrong. But what would be about something manly? I looked up as I tried to think, and that’s when I saw Ashido. At that moment, I couldn’t stop smiling as I remembered how she had handled that bully from middle school. She was such a riot. THAT’S IT! “My hero name will be Red Riot!” 

When we were dismissed for lunch, I walked over to Midoriya. “Are you serious about Deku being your hero name?”

“Yeah.” Before I could say anything else, Tokoyami and Todoroki started to walk next to us. “Why do you want Ms. Kist, Tokoyami?”

“Why not? She’s mysterious while also being able to use her sword hair quirk.”

“Wait a minute.” We looked over at Todoroki. “Are you talking about the very same Norwegian number 17 hero, Ms. Kist?”

“The very one. Even though her ranking dropped every time the game was about to be released. It’s truly unfair that such a great hero isn’t appreciated enough.”

“I agree.” Todoroki took out his phone and pulled up the latest Norwegian hero rankings. “It seems in recent polls, she might drop rank again.”

“No way.” As we walked to the lunchroom, we talked about Ms. Kist. This then led to talking about a few other heroes we are hoping will be in AMB6. “I really hope they kept to their word and we get to be able to customize our online hero. Wouldn’t that be so cool?”

“I’ll say.” I took a bite of my burger. “Besides, isn’t the new Natenx console coming out the same week?”

“Actually! On the same day.”

“A Natenx? What’s that?” We all looked at Todoroki.

“Don’t you game?” The way he looked confused was weird. “Don’t you play video games?” That’s when he shook his head. “No way!” We all looked at Todoroki in surprise. “We got to get you step up so you can join us brawling!”

“Yeah! Let’s go after school to the nearby game shop and get you started.”

“I’m not too sure, Kaminari. What would be the point of getting a system now when the new one is coming out soon.”

“Good point.” We watched as Midoriya started to go off about what would be the best possible way to get Todoroki started going with us while also getting around the upcoming release. “I got it!”

“Tell us.”

Midoriya smiled as he took out his phone. “Todoroki-chan could at least set up an account online. Then, he could borrow my Natenx 2 to get used to the system. So, when he gets the game and new console, he’ll already have everything set up.”

“Do you really think it’s ok if I borrow your Natenx, Midoriya? What if you wish to use it?”

Midoriya just waved it off. “It’s ok. During the two weeks before release day, I will be too busy with internship and studying for midterms.”

“Midterms!” Everyone looked at Kaminari. “I completely forget about midterms coming up. I’m going to fail.”

“As long as you study, Kaminari, you should do well.”

We looked at Ida. “Says the one who’s always passing every pop quiz.”

“I don’t see the problem. One must always study to be able to succeed.”

“Whatever you say, class president.” Before long, we started heading back to class. As we did so, Midoriya chatted with Todoroki about setting him up after school.  “If you need to, I brought my laptop.  So, we can set up during homeroom.”

“You mean AFTER homeroom.” I couldn’t help but chuckle at how Ida tried to lecture Kaminari about class rules.

��

I still couldn’t believe he actually chose that as his name. Deku is so brave, which makes me even more confident in my choice. And as we dismissed for lunch, I couldn’t help but watch Ashido skip over to Bakugo. I wondered what that was about, so I tagged along. “I still can’t believe how Midnight-San kept turning down all your names. Besides the whole kill and murder parts, I thought they were pretty cool.”

“Sure,” I looked and saw that Tsu was next to me. “For over blasty boy who’s favorite word is kill, ribbit.” We all started to laugh as Bakugo folded his arms while standing in front of Tsu.

“Then why the fuck you didn’t use Ribbit as your hero name, uh? Since you always say that.”

“I’m a frog. And why would I encourage people to mock my speech pattern?”

“Tch. Whatever.” With that, we just continued walking the halls. That was until Bakugo suddenly stopped and looked over his shoulder. “My old hag is making me go to the mall this weekend. You extras wanna tag along?”

“A shopping trip. Hell yeah!” Ashido was practically bouncing next to Bakugo as we kept walking. That was until we spotted Yaoyorozu, Jiro, and Hagakure standing in line. Ashido rushed over and seemed to say something to them. Which had at least 2 of them jumping from excitement. All while Jiro was twirling her ear jack.

I stepped next to Bakugo. “Guess we just got 3 more people to go shopping.” I looked at the grumpy blonde as we got in line. “So why did you invite us?”

“The hag said I can. So, why not.”

It was when we went to sit down that I noticed something. I looked over to the table where I usually sat with Deku and Ida and saw the boys were still talking about that game from this morning. I then looked at Bakugo, who was sitting next to a chatty Ashido. “Why don’t you sit with the rest of the boys?”

“Na.” I watched as he made a slight frown before returning to his typical grumpy face. For some reason, that seemed strange. There was no usual aggressive response, but I tried to ignore it. For the rest of lunch, we talked about the upcoming shopping trip with Bakugo and his mom. But I did catch a few times that he would try to look over at the table behind me. 

…

As we started getting changed in the locker room, I couldn’t help but shake my head. The idiots were still talking about All Might Brawl 6. It's not like I didn’t want to join in the conversation or anything. We did have training class to deal with. “Kacchan.” I turned in time to see a shirtless Deku next to me. Usually, I had caught a glimpse of his back, but seeing his front was a different experience. Especially when I saw small scars along his under ribs and one nearing his lower abdomen. Where did he get all those scars? They looked so old.

“What, nerd?”

I watched as Deku bounced up and down before grabbing his phone from his locker. Why was he being so cute that I could just bite him? He held up his phone to my face, showcasing some updates for AMB6. “They’re finally returning Egyptian flame hero, Braziir!”

I snatched Deku’s phone from him as I read the update closely. “There’s no way. He hasn’t been in All Might Brawl since the original.”

“I know, right!” I looked at Deku, and it felt like I was staring at the sun. “You always used to main him when we fought to see who could use All Might! And! And!” He started excitedly mumbling about something along the lines of how we used to play every weekend during 1st grade. “At that, I have gotten better with American hero Cross Hair. So, I’m going to beat you this time!”

I shoved Deku’s phone in his face. “In your dreams, nerd! I kicked your ass then, and I’m still going to kick your ass now!”

“Wait?” We looked over at tape face. “You two used to play together?” 

Then shitty hair tried to drape an arm over Deku’s shoulders, but he quickly stepped back. Good. “So does that mean we get to have a game night once we all get AMB6? Just us guys?”

“But where would we gather to play? Unless we do so online.”

“We could chill at my place.” We looked over at big lips. “I have plenty of space to host a game night. Plus, I have a huge gaming setup in my living room. You guys could bring the snacks.”

“That’s such a sausage fest.” I could hear the shorty behind me, and the way the others looked confirmed he was there. “Just hear me out, fellas. Let’s invite the ladies.”

“But it’s a manly game night for all us bros.”

“You just scared that a girl could kick your ass.” I tried not to laugh at that comment from Deku. Even the rest of the guys were snickering.

“What the hell, Midoriya. You spent too much time with Bakugo with how mean you’re being.”

“You’re just mad that I’m right.” The way dunce face was banging on the lockers as he laughed was super loud, especially with how close it was to my ears. As we walked to the class, the guys were still snickering over what Deku said. That was until Deku was walking alongside shitty hair, and what he said next had me ready to crack up. “Don’t worry. I’m sure one of the girls would let you win out of pity.” What is with Deku today?

Even during training class, Deku did not give up on the comments. What the fuck? The usually shy nerd was talking shit. What made it worse was that it was funny. “Is Midoriya ok?” I looked over at glasses as he stood next to me. “He hasn’t stopped since we left the locker room. Do you happen to know anything about this?”

“Why are you asking me? I don’t know shit.”

“I expected bad mouth from you, but not Midoriya. Which, I’m still confused about what triggered it. Along with why he seemed to only say them to boys. It’s very un-team-like of him.”

“And what do you expect to get out of this by telling me?” He just did that weird robot arm thing as he pointed over to the nerd. I sucked my teeth as I stood up from leaning against the wall. “Whatever.” I walked over to where the nerd and floaty were talking. I happened to overhear him chatting about something to do with swimming with sharks. “Nerd.”

The way he turned around, I questioned how his neck was still attached to his shoulders. “Is something wrong, Kacchan?” He was doing the bouncing thing. Maybe something is wrong. That’s when I recalled how he gets when he isn’t able to finish a thought. So, he tends to just jump from one topic to another. But did that really have anything to do with why he was making such comments to the rest of our male classmates? Perhaps it would explain a few things.

So, I looked over at round cheeks. “Do you play any Natenx games?”

“Does this have to do with that game you guys are excited for? I was going to ask Deku but got sidetracked by him talking about extreme spots.”

“What was it that you wanted to ask, Ochako?” Which then set off the nerd to mumble up a storm about the game. So, with that, I walked back to my spot by the wall. When I got there, four eyes simply nodded his head in approval, I guess. Once school hours were over, I watched as Icyhot and Deku surrounded dunce face. Even four eyes and grape shit. I wonder what that was about.

Not only were they setting up a Natenx account for Icyhot, but they were also doing one for four eyes. “You two seriously never gamed before?”

…

After setting up Ida and Todoroki with Natenx accounts, I was finally able to head home. Well, kind of. This time around, I was bringing a friend home. Wow. Just thinking that was super exciting. Besides Kacchan, I have never brought anyone else over. At that, it felt like forever that I had someone over. 

Speaking of Kacchan, I noticed how calm he seemed today. But also how he was talking with the girls of our class. I don’t think I've ever seen him this calm when speaking with a girl before. He usually would shout at them to leave him alone. Or completely ignore them. I wondered what changed.

Then I looked over to my right and couldn’t help taking note of Todoroki. After everything he told me about his upbringing, I may have jumped at the chance to help him out. Yet, as I was looking at him, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about how pretty he was. Which is completely unfair. Besides trying to be a hero and learning to handle One For All, there was something else about UA I just wanted to avoid. But it couldn’t be helped.

Maybe since Kacchan is the only person who knows me the longest, I might be able to get away with hiding other things about me. I was already technically lying about my quirk, so what’s a few more lies? It's not like anyone is going to notice. Will they? Compared to elementary and middle school, the teachers aren’t singling me out. At that, most times, our classmates have been picking on Kacchan. I surprisingly have been getting such a strange treatment that I’m not sure how to feel about it.

It’s almost like I exist but don’t. I’m not getting mean looks or having people write death threats on my locker anymore. Is this what high school is really like? Or was this everyone else experience but my own? Then there’s something else I couldn’t shake off. “Nerd!”

I blinked a few times and looked around me. “Midoriya, are you ok?”

“Of course not, half and half. the nerd’s crying.” I looked between Todoroki and Kacchan before I realized that we were standing at the corner between our homes. “What the fuck, nerd?” Suddenly, there were snapping fingers in my face. “Deku!”

“What?” I tried to smile, but it hurt. “I’m fine, Kacchan.”

“Are you sure, Midoriya?” I looked over at Todoroki. “You suddenly started to cry. Bakugo tried shaking you and such, but nothing seemed to work. Instead, you just cried harder. What happened?”

I tried to walk past them, but I could feel the heat from Kacchan’s quirk as his grip on my shoulder tightened. “I’m ok. I’ll be fine.”

[nixytea]

at the will of the waves — y.jw x reader

pairing: yang jungwon x gn!reader

genre: love is hard for wotaku (wotakoi) au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, slight angst, one-sided pining

inspired by: フィクション - sumika

summary: to pretty much everyone you know, you’re a diligent office worker. but behind closed doors? you’re what society calls an “otaku”: obsessed with manga, anime, gaming and the like. after a traumatising event, you swear to yourself you will never again let anyone find out about this side of you, but what happens when Yang Jungwon, your best friend from middle school and fellow nerd, squeezes his way into your life again and offers you something you cannot reject ?

warnings: OOC, food, weird people, mentions of insecurities, too many anime references, girlboss y/n, inaccurate gaming terminology, maybe if this were on ao3 i'd tag it dead dove do not eat for how badly this would affect my social life if anyone sees this irl

word count: 10.65k

disclaimer: to whoever has the guts to read this: here's a pair of anti-secondhand-embarrassment goggles and a tetra pack of unsee juice, strap in cuz this was written by me six months ago in my "what in the world is romance" era so uh. yeah tldr: this is gross for me to read and edit, i suggest reading it only once to spare your soul.

taglist: @drunkjazed @kange3939 @ahnneyong

track 001 : still into you - paramore track 002: disconnected - 5sos

LEVEL 000: SINGLE PRINGLE NOT READY TO MINGLE

You’ve got a feeling the universe might just hate you. Just a teeny tiny hunch.

Today’s supposed to be a fresh start for you. New job, new coworkers, new outfit -- which you totally didn’t spend two months’ worth of your salary to purchase, no way. 

So then why in the name of Eren Jaeger’s left buttcheek are you sprinting towards the train station in three-inch heels?

It’s your first day at work, you can’t afford to be late. “If i can just run a little faster-” you wheeze, frantically swinging your arms. A hiss of the doors and you’re in. “Nice, I’ll be on time at this rate,” you think to yourself. It’s the morning train, so you opt to grasp a handle dangling from the bars overhead. Relief washes over your body, relaxing your overworked calf muscles. Nothing can stop you today.

Yet as your eyes skim across a manga advertisement, you can't help but clench your free hand.

I hope no one finds out this time.

Less than ten minutes later, you find yourself in a waiting room. The door swings open, and a tall woman steps in. She doesn’t seem much older than you, yet she exudes the confidence you’ve only dreamed of having since middle school. You can't help but admire the way everything about her screams elegance and professionalism. That would’ve helped three months ago, you muse internally.

“Nice to meet you. I’m your supervisor, and I’ll be your guide for the next few weeks. We work in the same department.” She offers her hand, a graceful smile  spreading across her face. “I hope we get along well.”

You grip her palm in a firm handshake, while secretly scanning her gorgeous face. “Let’s work hard together!’

Your supervisor leads you into the hallway, briefing you as she strides along. Thoroughly engrossed in your new mentor’s advice, you only realise someone else is in the corridor when your shoulder brushes theirs ever so slightly. Yet you continue walking on after a quick apology, attention returning to -

Wait. 

You swivel around, disregarding your supervisor’s confused mumble. “Yang Jungwon?!” 

The once-fading back of your victim pauses, head lolling to his side. “Y/n?”

Your mind races in overdrive, thoughts scrambling in your head as you force your mouth to say something at all. “H-hey, Jungwon! It’s um, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Last time we met was in middle school!” Your hand lifts in a shaky wave, heart skipping at the glimpse of his familiar smirk. “It’s so unexpected! What are the odds that we’d be working here together?” Avoiding the curious gazes of your supervisor and Jungwon’s colleague, you continue rambling on. “Uhh…let’s catch up over dinner! Don’t be late!” You mentally slap yourself to shut your mouth, and breeze past the two men. Phew, that was close. You cannot let the only person who knows your darkest secret go free. Luckily you’d spotted him on your first day, or who knows-

“By the way, are you tabling at Comic Con?”

You swear you were one word away from a heart attack. “H-haha, very funny. You know I don’t do that stuff, why would you ask that? Bye now!”

“…I’m screwed.”

Eleven hours later, you find yourself at a nearby 24-hour arcade, your focus on the sparkly joystick loosened by years of manhandling.

“The bait’s been set. Passing it over to you now.” You swap places with Jungwon to finally chug your can of Calpis. “Mmmm, that’s the stuff,” you sigh happily, never tearing your eyes away from the screen, where Jungwon’s doing up the finishing touches for the claw machine. He’s always been better at these things than you, but you’d like to believe it’s because he spent more time in arcades than you did when you were kids. You were more into stupid otome games with cheesy endings.

“Got it. Told you it was possible,” Jungwon announces, the collection door swinging open to reveal a fluffy dino stuffie. “Seriously, after all these years you still need my help?”

You let out a derisive snort as you seized the plushie from his hands. “Well, you haven’t changed much either, have you? Nearly told everyone I’m an otaku on my first day. I do have a death wish, mind you.”

His smirk really is the same, you realise, as his dimples emerge as prominently as you remember. It’s actually quite endearing, though you’ll never tell him that. ‘Sorry, but I couldn’t have known you’re a closet otaku now? You used to be so blatant about it. ‘Ohmagawsh have you seen the new nyeh nyeh nyeh? The love interests are so hot I’d lick their abs.’ That’s how you sounded like, you know?”

“Stop, someone could hear us and I can say goodbye to my job!”

“Relax, no one’s here. You never used to care so much about people’s opinions, though,” he quips, reaching out to grab a piece of fried chicken. “So? What’s the tragic backstory behind your pathetically closeted fangirling?”

Your elbow accidentally collides with Jungwon’s ribs, nearly pushing him out of the high chair. “I was only like that with you. And it’s…a long story.”

“It’s also a long night.” That was how Jungwon was. Always there, always listening.

You have to take a swig of your Calpis to steel yourself, after all it’s not a story you like to tell. But he’s your best friend, and he’s the only one you’d trust with a fraction of your secret. 

“Somewhere during university, I guess the pressure to be a…normal student was pretty high. So I decided to put my uh, unorthodox hobbies into the rhetorical closet?” You pause, lips pinching as you try to avoid his questioning look. Somehow you can’t bring yourself to tell him the whole truth. A part of you begs to confide in him, because you just know he’s the only one who might understand. But…

Jungwon watches you, an emotion you can’t pinpoint brewing in his sharp eyes. “Is that all?” 

“Y-yeah. It’s a pretty good reason if you ask me.” Your tone is more defensive than you mean it to be, considering this is meant to be no more than a casual catch-up session with an old friend.

He shrugs, stare boring right through your soul. It’s funny how the guy you haven’t met for half a decade is the one who knows you best, even better than yourself. “I don’t believe you.”

And you crack. It’s surprising, really, that after so many months of holding yourself together it is Jungwon who becomes the catalyst to your spiral. Your vision melts into a blurry kaleidoscope of colours as the words fall from your lips. You tell him everything. About you falling so deeply in love with your boyfriend of three years that you plucked up the courage to tell him about your less-than-perfect lifestyle. About him asking for a breakup in a matter of minutes after the confession. About him telling everyone at your workplace, about people you once considered friends pretending you don’t exist, about being so openly mocked you have no choice but to resign and escape from a nightmare you know was created by your own two hands. And you know telling Yang Jungwon about your dirty laundry isn’t going to turn back time, isn’t going to bring your old life back, but you tell him anyway because it feels safe and right somehow. He feels safe and right.

He always has.

When your world stops spinning and you return to reality, you find yourself sinking your nails into the plushie, eyes stinging slightly, and Jungwon’s hand is on your back, palm rubbing circles into your back. You’ve gotta admit, it feels better than you thought it would. It coaxes more out of you, words you didn’t know were in you before. “I swore off telling anyone I date about being an otaku. Saves me so much more effort and heartbreak.”

He raises his eyebrows, a thin crease forming across his forehead. “What about finding an otaku partner? Saved you the heartache.”

The question instantly sobers you up, your back straightening as if you weren’t on the verge of sobbing your eyeballs out a moment ago. “Hey, that’s just weird! Besides, I’d get zero attention from them.”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

The conversation evolves into something more lighthearted, and it’s like the five years between you two was never there to begin with. You spend the rest of the night basking in the waves of nostalgia, reliving the freedom of your childhood.

Hours later, Jungwon checks his wristwatch. “It’s late, I’ll walk you home. We still have work in the morning.” 

The walk to your apartment is silent, save for the whistling of the cool night breeze in the city streets. Jungwon’s footsteps are silent - he walks just like a cat, you conclude after watching him slink along your side.

“Thanks for tonight, Yang.”

“Anytime, L/n.”

You continue soaking in the peaceful atmosphere, knowing tomorrow will be a hectic work day. Such a night is hard to come by, but maybe with Jungwon around, things’ll be more fun?

“…me?”

“Hm?” You turn to ask him what he said, but he beats you to it.

“What about me?”

You stare at him in confusion. “What about…you?”

“You said you wouldn’t tell your partner about being an otaku. Then what about me as a partner? I’d help you clear stages in games whenever you needed, I’d support you at conventions, and I wouldn’t judge you for your interests. And while we date, I’ll teach you how to not screw up future dates. You know, some sort of friends with benefits, except the benefits aren’t the usual…you know. You can treat me as practice for relationships. Dump me whenever you find someone you actually like.” Somehow, his face remains clear of any signs of embarrassment as he oh-so boldly states something that shouldn’t seem as simple as he makes it sound.

His proposal shocks you, no doubt. He’s never shown any interest in you romantically, as far as you can remember, so he can’t possibly be hitting on you right now. Besides, Yang Jungwon is a level-headed person, and his offer doesn’t seem so bad the more you think about it.

You reach out to grip his hand in a firm handshake, watching as Jungwon fails to hide the satisfied grin spreading across his face. You’ve got a feeling your face is mirroring his too. “Deal.” 

And henceforth, your whirlwind otaku romance begins.

LEVEL 000 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

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LEVEL 001: MEET THE HOMIES

You’d think getting a partner would be a life-changing experience that completely shook your world, but Jungwon just wasn’t acting like it was a big deal. You, on the other hand…

Embarrassing as it was, you were hiding from him. Who knows why. It was as though last night was a secret you had to take to your grave. 

So here you are, crouched under a table while Jungwon and his friends are messing with their Switches over lunch. 

Since you aren’t too far away from their table, you can catch snippets of his conversation with his gaming buddies. And as you stare a little longer, the sudden realisation hits you: you know those guys. They lived in your neighbourhood too, went to the same school, played hundreds of games with you and Jungwon too. 

Kim Sunoo, the one whose name Jungwon used to call with more excitement than you’d ever seen before. He was older than you by a year, and he was the reason you and Jungwon started gaming. Every inch of his house was covered in anime posters, Genshin cosplays, full sets of manga volumes and action figurines. Plus, he had a treasure trove of a game collection that lined every wall in his house, something that still amazed you. Apparently, he’d gotten the money through cosplay wig commissions or some voice acting gig (the dude had a honeyed croon every fangirl could swoon for). Cunning, hardworking and motivated. You could see him write those on his resume.

Then there was the dude who hulked over your…boyfriend and Sunoo. Nishimura Riki. If you recalled correctly, Riki was like a little brother to Jungwon, who would take him anywhere and everywhere. His parents owned a dance studio, and Riki had put his skills to good use. Cosplay thirst traps were all your feeds consisted of, and you’d stumbled across Riki’s account one day, featuring the tall boy in a maid outfit. By the looks of it, he worked here. The apron gave it away.

Just how much did you miss?

“Yah! That’s the third time you missed a shot today. And you never miss!” you hear Sunoo whine. “Who are you and what have you done with my talented dongsaeng?”

Riki snickers “Hyung, he’s distracted. Look at him. He can’t focus.” He leans towards Jungwon, a meaningful smile curling on his face. “He logged on late last night, didn’t he? I bet he went on a date.”

Jungwon’s fingers slipped.

“AAAAAAAH JUNGWON-AH WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Sunoo’s wails fill the cafe, earning a hasty shush from Jungwon. “Honestly, you guys are so dramatic. Is it so unbelievable?” 

“Ah, but hyung, this is different. You’ve been single your whole life cause you can’t get over-”

“Shut up.”

You hear Jungwon exhale, fingers fiddling with the power button of his switch. “Look, it’s not like that okay? She and I are just dating till she gets an actual boyfriend.” 

A pause. Then hysterical laughter begins to echo through the small cafe. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Won,” Sunoo wheezes, slapping his knee so hard you hear the smack ringing in your ears. “You of all people should know these things never end the way you expect it to. Aren’t you supposed to be a shoujo plot expert?”

“What do you even expect me to know? This isnt real life!”

“Hyung, I know a good pick up line you can use on her. Are you an angel? Cause your health bar dropped when you fell from heaven.”

“That sucks, Riki.”

Much as you’d like to watch Jungwon dig a deeper hole for himself with every word that comes out of his mouth, you do have an ounce of pity for him.

You walk over to their table, pulling out a chair. “Oh? Didn’t expect to bump into you here.”

Sunoo falls off his chair in shock, but he just stays on the floor staring at you with almost comically  wide eyes. “Y/n?! We all thought you died when you disappeared from our neighbourhood?”

“Died?! I left to study, who told you I died?” 

Shaking his head, Sunoo giggles deliriously. “Wait till you find out what Jungwon’s love life is like. Did you know he’s got a…a fake girlfriend?”He barely gets the words out before another fit of giggles knocks him over.

You clear your throat. “I…might know a thing or two.” Jungwon’s head spins towards you, the existential horror evident on his betrayed glare. “Y/n, why would you tell them that?” The boys perk up almost immediately, the sound of Sunoo slamming the table reverberating off the walls as the owner shoots dirty glares at Riki. “No way, his fake girl is you?”

Just as Sunoo is about to tease you even more, Riki comes to your rescue. “Ah, who cares. At least you can game with us now. Hoyoverse ID, please.”

You wince, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, about that, my ex deleted my account as revenge. I haven’t found time to restart.”

“Sheesh, Y/n, what kind of exes do you have?

“Bitter ones, obviously.”

“So Jungwon’s better than them all?”

“Oi Riki shut your mouth.”

LEVEL 001 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

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LEVEL 002: FIRST DATE?!

Being in a relationship requires commitment. That much you’re aware of. Miraculously, so is Jungwon despite his absolute lack of experience.

“So Riki wasn’t joking? You’ve really never dated anyone ? Why?” 

Jungwon sighs. If he weren’t so busy with his mouse, he’d probably have glared you down. “Didn’t think I needed it, don’t ask why.”

“Sheesh, okay. So touchy.” 

This is how you’ve been spending your after-hours: playing any PVP game that suits your mood with your…boyfriend? Neither of you had really made an effort to give each other any experience dating someone who didn’t spend 24 hours a day thinking of 2D characters. 

Jungwon’s fingers fly across the WASD as he continues the conversation. It’s a skill he seems to have acquired after so many years of doing this with Sunoo and Riki. “I think we should stick to the plan we agreed on.”

“What plan? We never planned anything.”

He swallows audibly, eyes darting around the screen of his monitor as his avatar creeps nearer towards his opponent’s “We need to try going on an actual date. Zero gaming references, strictly no mentions of your manga allowed. Practice makes perfect.”

“Practice makes perfect,” you echo. He’s right, you have to admit. It’s been fun having him around to help you level up in your games, but there’s no way you can continue on like this. The arrangement might as well be off, if that were the case.

Right?

You don’t miss the cheeky edge in his voice as he speaks. “You’ll have a harder time than me, so let’s have a bet. If you mention anything anime or manga or video game-related, I get to pick what games we play for a week.”

“Oh come on, there’s no way I’m gonna play Mario Kart for a week. If I win, you have to play a full Mystic Messenger route with me.”

Jungwon groans, falling back against the backrest as he slides away from you. “Now I really need to win.”

The following day, you find yourself standing at the gates of a small theme park. Squeals of pure delight fill the air as children dart around visitor’s legs. Pop-up shops line the edges of the park, with colourful carnival booths and cotton candy of every flavour imaginable. In other words, paradise.

Coincidentally, it’s also the place you and Jungwon visited when you graduated from high school, and you can’t help but wonder if he remembers it the way you do. 

With Jungwon by your side, you head straight for the merry-go-round. Beckoning towards Jungwon, you swing your legs over a plastic horse. The spinning disc begins to rotate, and your horse bounces you upwards. “Ha, I’m finally taller than you!” you joke cheerily. 

He shakes his head fondly, signature smirk curling to reveal his teeth. “In your dreams. Do you remember the first time we came here?”

“Oh yeah, in kindergarten I think? Your sister took us here. We snuck off to the spinning teacups twice.”

“If she hadn’t found us, we’d have gone a third time,” he snorts. “I miss being a scrappy kid. No need to worry if someone’s gonna kill me for my typos, or my parents nagging at me to bring a girl home. Just doing what I want to. Preferably with you.”

You hum absently, pondering on his sudden confession. It’s true, neither of you would have believed it if ten years ago, someone had told you you’d be doing a nine-to-five desk job. “Heh, we used to say we wanted to be game developers. Look at us now.”

“Look at us now.”

The next five minutes make you feel as though the two of you are in your own little bubble, and you are so lost in conversation that you almost don’t notice that the ride has stopped. As you step off the platform, you find yourself wishing this could last forever. Wasn’t so bad, was it?

“C’mon, I wanna try the roller coaster next.” Jungwon nudges you towards the loopy tracks, painted in a blinding white that reflects the bright morning sun. “Last I checked, you’re pretty good with heights.”

With his hand on your shoulders, he steers you towards the winding line of poor souls who don’t know what’s coming. Luckily for you, this isn’t your first time. Following Jungwon’s lead, you march forward. The day’s going well so far, but somehow it just doesn’t really feel like a date. Oh well, that can be built up over time. You squeeze your way through a small crowd, peering over tall shoulders. And as the crowd parts ever so slightly… 

It can’t be.

Not far from you, a head of dyed blonde hair glints in the sunlight. As you lean forward, you see the face attached to it. Your ex.

And hand-in-hand with him is another ex-colleague. 

You should’ve known, really. They’d been making eyes at each other even while you were dating, so this shouldn’t be a surprise. But as your fingers dig into the sleeves of Jungwon’s sweater, you can’t ignore the way your heart clenches painfully, dread coursing through your limbs as you will your legs to just move along.

For better or worse, Jungwon is a highly perceptive person. He follows your gaze. “Is that…” His voice trails off, hands tightening their grip on your back. 

You swallow thickly, trying to tear your eyes away. “Y-yeah. Let’s keep moving, shall we?”

Forcing a smile, you surge forward with greater resolve than ever. Today’s not about him, is it? It’s about you and Jungwon. Right. Today can still be a good day.

“Y/n?”

Jungwon’s voice rings clearly despite the bustling visitors surrounding you. You look up in surprise as his arm wraps around your shoulders, hand squeezing your bicep firmly. An assurance. “Ignore him. Even if he spots you, he wouldn't dare come here.”

“And if he does?” 

“He’s just a side character in the grand scheme of things. You’re the main focus today, don’t let him ruin our date…or whatever.”

His words send your heart aflutter, warmth filling your veins like honey. Leave it to Yang Jungwon to make you feel special. “Now say it with me: I am weirdo otaku, and my ex is a smelly normie with no real hobbies.” 

You know he means it as a joke, but somehow you can hear your voice growing louder and more confident as you repeat after him for laughs, and you realise that for the first time in months, you are perfectly calm about the whole thing. Maybe it’s the fact that you know for sure he’s in the wrong now. Maybe it’s the fact that Jungwon literally has your back. Either way, you’ve finally found it in you to stand up for yourself. 

“Right, I’ve got a date to enjoy with my boyfriend.” Hooking your arm with Jungwon’s, you lead him towards the cotton candy stand. “I can’t stand the sight of that bastard, so let’s go.” 

A genuine smile graces Jungwon’s cat-like features, dimples deepening as he gazes at you with so much fondness in his eyes it’s as though you’re the only one in his world. You suppose years of knowing each other gives him that right, but you can’t explain away the tickly sensation in your belly when he looks at you that way. “Well, I’m glad. At least that’s one obstacle we’ve overcome through this amazing plan of ours-“

“And thank you for joining me in the Mystic Messenger grind.”

“What? Since when?” He gapes, horror dawning on his face as he realises the situation he’s gotten himself stuck in.

“Oh, you know exactly what you did.”

“...that doesn’t count.”

“Does too!”

“Does not.”

“Whatever you say, loser. Get ready for a tearjerker marathon, Won. We better stock up on tissues before we start tonight.”

LEVEL 002 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

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LEVEL 003: MIXED SIGNALS

You are positively, utterly, tragically, extremely screwed. Why? Because you have a chapter of a doujin to upload. Tomorrow. And said chapter is…nonexistent. And judging by the influx of comments under your discord, the fans aren’t gonna be happy if you don’t keep your promise. Then again, neither are you. You’re actually just excited for this, but to think you might just let your readers down…

You sigh, cracking your knuckles as you flop into the study chair. This is not the time to be panicking, you decide as you pick up your pen. You’ve got the plot down, the action scenes are already looping in your head, plus the cheesy romance factor is definitely, undeniably there. So what’s the issue here? Why is it that as you twirl the digital pen between your fingers, you are staring at a blank canvas?

Death by manga. Not a bad way to go out. You try to squeeze your brain, gulp down a whole cup of hot tea, hot coffee, anything at all. But none of it works. An hour later you are still met with a snowy white expanse across your PC, not a single face, hand, just nothing. Great.

You reach for your phone. Maybe checking the fan art submissions will give you some ideas. But as you pick it up, a notification tone pings, screen lighting up as a message pops into existence. A red heart floats beside the text. 

won<3: why r u online on twt rn arent u supposed 2 b asleep

you: omg ur online pls save me n log on 2 discord thx

Almost immediately, your discord alert tone goes off, and Jungwon’s voice blasts from your monitor. “You okay? You should’ve turned in for the night two hours ago. What’s keeping you up?” The concern in his tone is evident, despite the virtual barrier. It feels good, to know someone’s looking out for you. Especially if that someone is Jungwon.

“Listen…you know how my new chapter is up tomorrow? Well, I kiiinda haven’t finished drawing it yet.”

The silence in your room is telling, save for what you think might be Jungwon dropping his bag of chips. “Y/n, you can’t be serious. Share the file with me, we don’t have much time if you want to get any sleep tonight at all.”

“Really? You’ll help? Thank you so so much I’ll buy you dinner tomorrow.” You fiddle with the controls, and it just so happens that Jungwon decides to turn his camera on at the exact same time. His face appears across your screen, and for a moment you forget what you’re supposed to be doing. 

Although it’s past midnight, he still looks absolutely gorgeous. With the contacts off, his eyes are their natural black, sharper than when you see him in the mornings. You are about to question why he is so alert today when your eyes fall on his pursed lips, a pretty shade of pink, much like when you were kids. He did grow up well, you’ve got to admit. But instead of his features making you flustered, it seems to make your heart ache instead. It’s an inexplicable feeling, similar to nostalgia. Regret for the years you’ve lost.

“What even…y/n, I don’t think this is called being unfinished. You didn’t even start.” He runs a hand through his auburn hair, expression giving away the exasperation directed at you. “Well, we better get started. Pick your pen up, we’re in for a long night.”

The next two hours are spent brainstorming and you panicking over the lineart, while Jungwon tries to colour in the cover page. Every time you let out an “oops”, you swear you see the cat ears on Jungwon’s headset twitch in annoyance. (Not that it matters, but that’s the headset you got for him for his eighteenth birthday.)

After a while, you settle into a comfortable silence, save for the gentle tapping of your pen’s nib on the screen. “Hey, Won?”

Hearing the hum of acknowledgement from his end, you continue. “Did you…miss me when I left? I know you found out from my mother, but only because I was too scared to tell you on my own.”

There is a pause, where only Jungwon’s even breaths are audible. Finally, he answers your question. “Y/n, you were my best friend. You still are. Of course I missed you.” He says it like it is so obvious, like it is a given for him to care so much about you, platonic or not. 

“Weren’t you a little…disappointed by what I was like when we met again that day? I did try to pretend I’d changed.” You’ve never actually told Jungwon that if he hadn’t talked to you that night, you were planning to never approach him again. Back then, you would’ve wanted to pretend he didn’t exist. But that night at the arcade, and how he’d shown you over the past few months that he wasn’t going anywhere, it made you wonder. Why’d you want to stick with me?

“Disappointed? Never. Not in you. You haven’t had it easy since you left our hometown, I know. But from here out, I’m sure you’ve figured out what you want, haven’t you?”

A wave of relief washes over you, the comfort dulling your senses as you rest your chin on the desk. “You’re setting my standards a little too high, you know.” Your eyelids begin to droop, the prolonged exposure to the screen beginning to take its toll on you. Slowly, the world fades to black. “Won, can you wake me in five minutes?” you manage to get out, before your consciousness slips away as you lay your head down. 

Unbeknownst to you, Jungwon watches your slumbering figure, a bittersweet tang in his mouth as he admires your fluttering eyelashes, the slight rise and fall of your shoulders, the tiny twitches of your enticing lips, a virtual barrier separating him from your sleeping frame. His fingers trace the image of you cast on his pc, chest cavity clenching painfully as he realises how much more beautiful you’ve become in the five years that passed with regret. “If I had told you back then, would we be what we are now?”

The next day arrives without a hitch. You had to apologise to Jungwon for falling asleep on call, to which he replied with a cheeky eye roll. “If you want to make it up to me, come over to my place tonight. Wii sports isn’t fun as a single-player game.”

You wrap up your work in record time, with your supervisor being so incredibly impressed that she almost tries to assign you extra work, but you manage to run away before she gives you overtime for the third time this week.

Jungwon has been to your place many times, but you haven’t actually visited his apartment before. The times you go over to pick up stuff aren’t counted because you don’t actually go in, and you’re honestly curious to see what your…boyfriend(?)’s taste in interior design is. 

After picking up some takeaway from a nearby yakitori place, you and Jungwon make the short trip from the office to his place. “What’s it like? Do you have a whole cabinet dedicated to your vocaloid figurines or something?”

“Nope,” he shrugs, an odd look on his face as he eyes you warily. “I have some…ah never mind.” He stops, and you realise you have reached his front door. He swings the door open, hands fumbling in the dark for the light switch. “Welcome to my apartment. Make yourself at home. There’s some soda in the fridge if you’re thirsty.”

One look into the apartment is all you need to know that Yang Jungwon is the same, tidy creature you’ve always known. The living room is minimalistic, with a deep blue couch in the centre. A small television leans against a wall, some wires disappearing into the back. To the left, a small cloth-covered box sits in the corner, and you assume it is for his gadgets. The kitchen looks extremely new. Too new, even, and knowing Jungwon he’s probably never actually used it before. A short corridor leads to the bedroom, but the lights don’t reach that area. 

Jungwon drops the keys into a small basket on the kitchen counter. “Bathroom’s in the bedroom down the hallway. If you want, you can take a shower. I’ll leave a shirt for you. Might not be a good fit though.” He doesn’t even have to look at you to know, since his shoulders are just so broad that if you were to put on his clothes, they’d probably slide right off you. But why does the thought of wearing his shirt make your cheeks burn? You used to do this when you were kids, when you crashed at his house for sleepovers and you forgot your pyjamas. You’d borrow his favourite pyjamas just to watch him pout, but he could never say no to you. And when he began to outgrow you, you were a little disappointed when he decided to just give that set to you since “you seemed to like them so much”. 

“I invited Sunoo and Riki, they’ll be over soon. I’ll get the console set up, so you go clean yourself up.”

Without a single protest, you thank him and make your way into the bedroom. You’re dying to wash up after a long day at work. The moment you step in, you are greeted by the pleasant smell of lavender and chamomile. His childhood home used to smell like that too, so the aroma is somewhat nostalgic, and very welcome too. The bed covers are tucked into the sides of the bedframe neatly, its colours matching the couch outside. His favourite colour hadn’t changed all this time. In fact, you’re willing to bet his gaming controller is blue.

As you peer into the washroom, you notice a small bottle of makeup remover, its contents still to the brim. You’d mentioned passing your favourite brand once, and there it is, perched on the bathroom counter. For some strange reason, an odd warmth trickles into your chest as you shut the door.

Your shower is quick but thorough, and as you step out you notice the pile of clothes on the bed. Slipping on the soft fabric, you sniff the sleeves. It smells kind of like the cologne you told him smelled nice on him once. So he did remember. He always did remember the weirdest things, after all.

“Who did?” Jungwon leans into your ear from behind you, his breathy whisper tickling its way into your ears. The sudden assault on your hearing makes your neck twitch away from him, but as you lurch away from him your balance tips. The fabric of Jungwon’s loose T-shirt bunches in your fist as you hold onto him for support, but you end up dragging him down with you. As your back hits the bed, you hear a soft oomph from Jungwon. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” you gasp, turning your head to the left and-

oh.

His face is inches from yours, a proximity that you never would’ve thought possible until now. Every shaky breath between his lips is accentuated with a nervous swallow as you watch him attempt and fail to pry his eyes away from your lips. You gasp audibly, feeling lightheaded despite already being on your back and your fingers are twitching desperately. The odd warmth is back, and your body moves on its own accord, fingers reaching out to Jungwon’s jaw. But as your fingertips are just a millimetre away from his skin, Jungwon seemingly sobers up, abruptly breaking the spell for himself. “S-sorry, don’t know what came over me,” he stutters, sitting up before you can touch him. He moves to get off the bed, but something within you breaks. Without warning, your hand snaps to his wrist, tugging him backwards and it’s all too fast, you shouldn’t be thinking about your best friend like this-

But here you are, leaning in to join your lips with his. It’s not your first kiss, but it may as well be with the way your heartbeat pounds in your ears, adrenaline shooting through your veins as you wrap your fingers around the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. The distance is too little, too much, the electrifying heat unbearable yet so addictive. With your eyes shut, the hesitant brush of his palm on your hip is magnified tenfold, and your heart races as you feel him bury a hand in your wet hair, his thumb grazing your cheek slightly. It’s gentle, it’s sweet, it’s perfect, and you smile against his lips. But before you can lock your fingers with his, everything disappears. He pulls away from every part of you, and it is only then that your eyes flutter open. 

“Y/n, I…”

A weight in your chest drops as you see the guilty expression on his face, eyes looking anywhere but you. “You…I’m sorry.”

You shake your head, fingers reaching for his own, but he retracts his hand faster. “Wait, don’t go. We just…you just - okay, what are you saying sorry for again?”

He gulps, throat bobbing as he purses his lips firmly to stop them from trembling. “I think you’re probably just confused since we hadn’t seen each other for a while. Just, let’s not do…that again, or-”

“Or what?!”

“Or I’ll think you actually like me.”

You scan his face, searching for any signs of mischief, but his eyes are still averted, biting his lip like a guilt-ridden cat. Normally you’d think this is cute, but right now nothing but irritation is clouding over any instinct to be calm about whatever’s going on right now. “Jungwon, I literally just kissed you. What else would I mean other than that? People don’t kiss people they don’t like.”

“You’re confused, Y/n,” he sighs, rubbing his temple tiredly. You want those hands on yours right now, but he isn’t going to give it to you and you know it. “You don’t know what you want. Heck, neither of us know what we’re doing. What was this stupid deal anyway? It was selfish of me to even let this happen, I mean it’s been five years. This was just a whole stupid idea to give teenage me what he wanted. You probably don’t even need me in your life, and it’s so stupid of me to want to be in yours like this.”

“Are you kidding me? I want you here. I like you, and I want you by my side just like this right now. I’m not leaving again, Jungwon. Do you…did you even like me at all?”

“Yes. Too much. But you’re…” he trails off, a muffled groan escaping his lips as he buries his face into his knees. “If you knew how much I really like you, you’d never be able to leave.”

“Then I won’t-”

The doorbell interrupts you, and Jungwon takes the opportunity to scramble off the bed, leaving you alone in the room. Sunoo and Riki’s loud banter drifts into the small space. As Jungwon’s scent becomes too strong for you to bear in the room, you grab a breather before walking out. “Hey guys,” you murmur, resisting the urge to roll your eyes as Jungwon pretends to be busy with the controllers.

“Were we interrupting something?” Sunoo asks absently, fussing with the snacks he brought from the convenience store downstairs. When neither of you reply him, Riki smirks knowingly. “Lovers’ quarrel, then?”

You smack Riki in the arm. “You’ll regret that when I kick your butt at Wii sports later.”

At your overly confident declaration, Jungwon lets out a loud snort. “Oh yeah, because you’re so good at bowling, Y/n.” His snide comment ticks you off, bringing out your competitive streak. “Oh it’s on, Yang,” you growl, cracking your knuckles in the most menacing angle you can find.

The night is full of laughter, despite the tension between you and Jungwon. It’s easy to ignore, with Sunoo and Riki over, but every now and then you look over at Jungwon, who purposefully maintains his absolute lack of eye contact with you. Which is atypical of him, and you’re sure Sunoo’s already noticed but knows better than to point it out. After rounds and rounds of stupid games that usually end with someone falling over, you flop onto the couch, cracking open a can of marble soda. “That last move was killer. Don’t think I’ll be able to walk tomorrow,” you groan, taking a swig of your soda as if it’s alcohol and you’re a tired mother. (Technically you all can legally drink, but you know better than to do that tonight because Jungwon will freak if you guys throw up in his apartment.)

Riki chuckles, tossing another can across the living room towards Sunoo. “Ha, Y/n’s getting old.”

“I’ll get the Salonpas, you guys sit here,” Jungwon sighs, jumping up from his seat on the couch to the cupboard behind you. He throws a few at your head, and chucks another box at Sunoo, who glares at him like he just said mint chocolate ice cream’s the most disgusting dessert he’s ever eaten.

“You’ll thank me tomorrow, Sunoo.”

Mumbling a string of inaudible words, Sunoo slaps a patch on his shoulder. “What time do you want to sleep?”

“NEVER.”

Jungwon fiddles with a bunch of wires, and the screen of his nintendo flashes across the TV. “Anyone up for a DDLC run?”

“How do you still have this? And why is your progress already two days in?”

“Y/n and I played it the two weeks we were messing with Mysme, so we wouldn’t get bored.”

“Oh nice, whose death did you remember most?”

“Gotta be Yuri’s, I think.”

“No way, Natsuki’s freaked me out more. I nearly threw the game out the window when I saw it.”

“Natsuki?!”

Their quarrelling continues, and you shake your head in amusement. You’ve played the game multiple times, enough to the point nothing about it scares you anymore. When you and Jungwon first played it together in elementary school, you couldn’t sleep for a whole week. Cue the endless sleepovers, where every little creak of the door would jerk you two awake. You remember having to hold Jungwon’s hand under the covers for security. 

But now, that memory only serves to remind you of the events that came about a few hours ago. Disconnecting yourself from the conversation, you lean back into the couch, fingers subconsciously drifting to your own lips. The feeling hasn’t really faded, resurfacing every time you think about it too long. As your eyes flutter shut, your mind goes back to what he said earlier. Are you really using him as a rebound? But you still believe, after all this time, that it’s fate who brought you back to him. You need him in your life again, nothing to do with your ex.

Which brings you to the question: where’s the fine line between friendship and romance? Because with every passing day, Jungwon’s every move makes you start to question what he really means to you. 

You hear a rustling of fabric, and a small felt blanket is draped over you, the soft material sliding over your toes. “Is she asleep?” you hear Sunoo ask.

Judging by the fact that Jungwon’ voice is nearest to you, you assume he’s the one who gave you the blanket. “Sure looks like it. Guess we bored her to sleep.” The couch cushions sink, and you feel the backrest dip. 

“So, Jungwon, what happened before we got here? Did you guys fight or something?”

Jungwon sighs. “It’s…I think I made a mistake with her. She’s mixing up her feelings, and she probably just missed me.” There is an unmistakable bitterness in his words, the way he spits them out with such self-doubt that it makes your heart ache. You want to open your eyes and grab him by the shoulders and shake him awake, but now isn’t the time.

“But Jungwon hyung, I don’t think she just misses you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. It’s kinda gross. You two are disgustingly cute.”

“It’s not romantic, Riki. She didn’t like me when we were kids, why would she like me now? The least I could do for her is to not get in the way of her future since that’s what we agreed on, but-”

“But do you like her?” Sunoo asks, ripping open a bag of potato chips.

“I don’t know. When we were kids I coud just brush it off as stupid teenage infatuation. I thought I got over her, but the moment I met her again everything felt different. It’s...I don't know. It’s just not the same.” The frustration is evident in his tone, and you have to fight the urge to crack your eyelids open and yell at him. It all hits you for the first time how hard your departure from his life must have hit him. His own best friend (and childhood crush) disappearing without a trace, and not even telling him. 

Luckily, Sunoo comes to your rescue. “She returns your feelings, then. She’s back for good, Jungwon. You’re not holding her back, trust me. She’ll stay this time.”

The long pause is almost painful for you, who cannot see the look on Jungwon’s face now. You can picture it, but the curiosity is near unbearable. To your surprise, Jungwon is the one who breaks the silence. 

“But…what if she wants to leave again? What then?”

What then? It’s a question begging to be answered, an enigma that should not be. Even Sunoo falls silent at Jungwon's raw, vulnerable confession that he’s scared, terrified even that he’ll lose you someday. No, you want to say. I won’t leave again. But would he believe you? Sunoo might. Riki does. But Jungwon? The one who missed you twice as much as you missed him, the one who took you back in a heartbeat, the one who willingly let himself suffer for a taste of what he thought he couldn’t have. It’s not fair, you decide. It’s not fair that Yang Jungwon is so selfless and aware of every little detail, pretending to be unbothered by everything under the sun. But you know that’s not the truth, that beneath those sturdy shoulders you’ve leaned on for far too long, there is a boy who just wants your love. It’s ironic, really, that the person who hurt him most is the one who has the power to end the years-long torment he’s been put through.

Your thoughts are jumbled in your brain as a restless sleep finally claims you. Just before you nod off, you hear the flip of a switch, the rustling of a mattress being pulled out, and…

A kiss on the forehead.

LEVEL 003 COMPLETE. PROCEED? >YES >NO

SIDE QUEST OPEN! PROCEED? >YES >NO

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

SIDE QUEST XX: MEET THE PARENTS

After that groundbreaking sleepover, a lot of things go unsaid between you and Jungwon. Somehow, there’s a weird gap where you’re eager to talk about what happened that day, while Jungwon seems to want to avoid it completely, contrary to what he said that night. You still pass each other at work, but no text messages ever come in like they used to, inviting you to play whatever mind-numbing game he feels like. It’s the quiet that scares you most, and even though Sunoo called you the other day to tell you not to worry, that Jungwon will come to his senses already, you fear that this is the day Jungwon ends his common sense streak. 

You’re beginning to plan on how to get a key to his apartment when you hear a light tapping on your work booth. Swivelling your chair around, you find yourself face to face with the very person who’s been occupying your thoughts. You take a moment to look him up and down, searching for any signs he may be regretting pushing you away that day. But all you see is a sheepish Jungwon, dressed in the cutest pink sweater you’ve ever seen, and the earphones you gave him hanging around his neck. “Um, Y/n…can we talk?”

For a moment, your heart leaps. Is he going to make amends? You jump up, dragging him into a secluded corner. “Is this about…you know?”

“No…I’m sorry. It’s the opposite, actually. It kinda slipped my mind about what we wanted to do over the weekend. Do you still remember?”

Remember? Of course you remember. This weekend, you were supposed to go back to your hometown to visit both your parents. You’d gone back to spend time with your parents before, but never with any of the neighbours who used to dote on you as a child. And after the arrangement you and Jungwon had, you decided to visit his family, where he would introduce you as his girlfriend just to get his parents off his back about “settling down”. 

But now that whatever’s between you two is more obvious than ever, it would probably make sense to Jungwon to cancel. Yet a part of you deflates at the thought. “I still wanna go, if that’s what you mean.”

You watch as Jungwon gulps, throat bobbing as he squeezes his hands together. “Won’t you feel a little weirded out? I mean, after…that, I’d understand completely.”

“Hate to break it to you Jungwon-ssi, but the awkwardness is very much one-sided.”

He seems to hesitate for a moment, before speaking up again. “Are you sure-”

“YES. I want your mother’s jajangmyeon. You can’t keep me away from it forever.”

And with that, the deal is done. Ignoring Jungwon’s absolutely manic laugh of disbelief, you slip back into your seat, a plan already beginning to form.

That same weekend, you stand in front of the Yang family’s apartment, a death grip on the handle of the crocker in your hands. Yet when paired side by side with Jungwon, it’s clear almost immediately who’s the stressed one.

“Isn’t the girlfriend supposed to be the scared one when meeting the parents? Why are you the one acting like you’re about to faint in front of your own house?!” you chide, nudging him with your elbow hard enough to throw his balance off. Still, he squeezes your shoulder in what you assume is some awkward show of reassurance. “You don’t have to do this, no one’ll blame you.”

“Now is not the time to be regretting your decisions, so suck it up. You’re the only one with a problem about this.” You can’t help the curt edge in your tone, because try as you might, it’s undeniable that meeting the Yang family after so many years freaks you out. They loved you as their son’s best friend, no doubt, but as a potential future daughter-in-law?

Before either of you can start to get cold feet, you lunge for the doorbell. The button is worn, from years of you, Sunoo and Riki jabbing it every day. From the sound of it, the batteries must’ve been replaced recently, but the melody retains its same nostalgic tune.

Almost immediately, you hear the fumbling of keys in a lock, and the door swings wide open to reveal a familiar face.

“ Jungwon-ah, you’re here-” It’s as though you can pinpoint the exact moment his mother realises who the girl standing next to her son is. “Is that…Y/n? It’s been so long! We’ve missed you so much! Jungwon-ah, why didn’t you tell me you met her? I could’ve organised dinner with her family long ago! Ah, what a wonderful surprise. Come in, come in!” She invites you in without waiting for you to greet her, practically dragging you into the house. “Make yourself at home, although you probably already feel at home. Oh, is this for me? Thank you so much, dear, what a thoughtful child you are!” Accepting the pot of food you prepared, she hurries into the kitchen for a pair of mittens.

You take your time to look around with Jungwon’s supervision. Not much has changed, save for the little white gate barely holding back the family dog. Maeumi (which is the adorable ball of fluff’s name, according to Jungwon) leans against the gate eagerly, barking with sheer joy at the sight of Jungwon. “Do you…wanna pet her?” Jungwon asks awkwardly as he notices you eyeing her in adoration. As he gets a nod from you, he can’t help the chuckle that escapes from him, and he bends down to fiddle with the lock. 

Almost instantly, Maeumi bounds into Jungwon’s outstretched arms, licking his face uncontrollably as Jungwon laughs. “So it’s easier for a dog to get a kiss from you than a human, huh,” you mumble softly. Jungwon just rolls his eyes, his cheeks turning visibly red.

You hear the slam of a door. “Why didn’t anyone tell me Jungwon was here…oh Y/n!” Jungwon’s sister runs out of her room, sweeping you into a tight embrace. “Who would’ve guessed, our sweet baby brother brings his childhood sweet-”

“NOONA.”

She giggles deliriously, absently dismissing Jungwon with a wave of her hand. “Come on, Y/n. We have lots to catch up on.”

The rest of the night goes by seamlessly. Dinner is a casual affair, which feels more like a reunion as your parents drop by unexpectedly and end up joining in the conversation. As expected, most of the questions are about you and Jungwon. (“Where did you meet?” “How long have you been dating?”) With Jungwon by your side throughout the meal, you manage to catch him staring at you an absurd number of times, and they always end with him ducking away again. He’s usually confident in these kinds of settings, and he probably would appear so to everyone else, but for some reason you can almost feel the nervousness radiating off him like he’s some sort of weird lava lamp. Still, things go as planned without any slips of the tongue where you might accidentally reveal that your “love lives” (if any) were in jeopardy.

After the plates have been washed and cleared away, everyone shifts into the living room again, all the parents claiming their spots on the large L-shaped sofa. You, Jungwon and his sister seat yourselves on the floor, Maeumi resting on your belly. Surprisingly, the puppy took a liking to you quickly.

As the conversation lulls on, Jungwon leans nearer towards you. “Tired? I can take you home early if you’d like.” In response, you slap his thigh gently. “No one’s going anywhere, stop trying to make me leave before I work my magic on your parents. Too scared they’ll make you keep me?” As expected, Jungwon pointedly ignores you, opting to take a sip of his tea. 

Half an hour in, Jungwon’s sister suddenly rises. “Hey Y/n, can you come out to the balcony with me? I want to catch some air.” She hauls you to your feet, tugging you towards the balcony far away from the others. As she locks the door, panic begins to claw up your throat. “Uh, what’s going on?”

She pats your head affectionately, sighing as she tries not to laugh. “Why do you look so scared? I’m not going to kill you, relax. I did, however, want to talk to you about something.” She gazes up at the night sky, leaning against the railing as she smiles softly. “So, Jungwon actually told me about you two way before our parents knew you two were…dating? I dunno, you guys are unlabelled right now aren’t you?” 

You nod slowly, joining her on the edge of the balcony. “Honestly, I already know what I want, but Jungwon’s…scared? Worried? Maybe that’s the better word for it, but either way he thinks I’m confused about everything. Which could not be further from the truth, because I’m, uh. You know.”

“Falling in love harder than you expected to?” She sends a knowing smirk your way, one you can make out despite the relative darkness. She’s always been so aware of Jungwon’s life, and the lives of people around him. You’re no exception, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. 

“Yeah. It’s funny, really, how we went from friends to…this. I miss when it wasn’t so complicated, but things change. Feelings change, and I guess I don’t want things between me and him to stay the same anymore,” you admit. It’s kind of strange to be venting to your crush’s sister, but she probably knows him better than you. If not her, then who?

She turns to face you properly, a wistful expression on her face as she stares into space. “He tells me it’s just fate that brought you two together again, you know. But if it were just fate, he wouldn’t have carried those headphones you got him all those years ago literally everywhere. I’m willing to bet he’d have spent the rest of his life looking for you.” She’s right, and you know it. It’s not fate that brought you together. It can’t be, because that would mean everything that happened so far can be chalked up to everyone just following some story where you already know the ending. You made this decision on your own, to fall for Jungwon. He chose, years ago, to not let go of his feelings for you. And you refuse to let yourself be tossed around by the waves of life any longer. This time, Yang Jungwon will not disappear from your life, lost to the trials of time.

“Don’t let him out of your sight, Y/n. Dependable as he may seem, he’s still the baby of the family. You’d be surprised at how insecure Jungwon can be, especially when it comes to you. Talk some sense into him, will you?”

The exchange feels like an eternity, yet at the same time too short. You’re not nearly as brave as you want to be, not to mention when it comes to feelings like this. “But the heart wants what the heart wants, doesn’t it?” you muse, earning a pleased look from Jungwon’s sister. “That’s the spirit. You have full permission to punch him in the face if he still doesn’t see sense, got it? Or you can let me do it, I’d be more than happy.”

A couple hours later, when the cups are dry, and your eyelids begin to droop, Jungwon pulls you to your feet. “I think it’s about time we leave, Y/n has a busy day tomorrow. I’ll send you home.” Observant as always, Jungwon leads you to the door, waving goodbye to your families. The moment the door shuts behind you, his shoulders slump as though a huge weight’s been taken off. “Let’s go, I’ll walk you home.”

The journey is quiet, but as you reach the door of your apartment, it seems Jungwon has enough of the silence. “That was exhausting,” he groans breathlessly, sliding down the door as he massages his forehead. You decide that this is your opportunity to swoop in.

“But…would you do it again?”

His head snaps towards you immediately, panic flickering briefly across his face as he bites his lip, searching for the right words. “As…whatever we are right now?”

You take a step closer, leaning towards him as you stare directly into his eyes in a sudden rush of confidence. “No, I want something different.”

His throat bobs visibly as he swallows thickly, fists clenching and unclenching as he looks around, anywhere to avoid your intensifying gaze. “Y/n, we talked about this.”

“Correction: you talked, and I just listened. I heard what you told Sunoo and Riki, not that I didn’t already know how you feel.” You gently tug on his collar, bringing his face closer to yours. Your knuckles brush his cheek, and this time you relish the tingles it sends down your arm, straight to your heart. “You don’t need to tell me how you feel. A part of me’s always known. Yang Jungwon, I know you from the inside out. There’s nothing you can do that I haven’t already predicted. And it goes both ways. I’m not asking for the words ‘I love you’, because I already know. So what more do we have to hide from each other?”

Jungwon’s gaze wavers slightly, but try as he might, everything in the moment seems to be screaming, pleading with him to stay. “But you…I don’t want to be the thing that holds you back. I want you to do what you want, go where you want, whenever you want.”

“You’re all I want, Won. I’m not leaving your side again. What makes you think I could leave you behind so easily? I’ve already decided what I want. So be selfish, and ask me to stay.”

As you tighten your grip on his shirt, you step closer towards him, other hand drifting upwards to stroke his cheek. Your thumb traces the ridges of his dimples, slides down the edge of his mouth, and you can feel a surge of adrenaline as his lips part to form a word. Just one word, shaky and no more than a whisper, but it’s more than enough to stop time altogether as a tear falls from his eyes.

“Stay.”

Your vision goes blurry as you slip into his arms, his chin resting on your shoulder as his palms move to your back, pulling you closer. The fabric of his vest presses into your cheek, and your senses are filled with him. It’s too much and too little, all at the same time, his scent overwhelming you as he shakes under you. A garbled sob escapes your throat, and your fingers bunch up the fabric of his clothes for support as you both sway in place.

After what feels like hours, you pull away from his grasp. “You’re so stupid,” you blurt out, but the statement is void of malice as your voice trembles. 

“Who’s the idiot who left for so many years and didn’t even try to call me?”

You wipe the tears from your eyes, slapping his arm as you try to calm yourself down. “About that…my mother told me you changed your phone and gave me your new number, but when I tried calling it an old man answered every time. Last night I was clearing my messages but I accidentally tapped into your contact, and then it finally hit me that she gave me a number with one wrong digit. I swear I wanted to call you.” 

“You’re an idiot.’

“But I’m your idiot, aren’t I?”

Jungwon doesn’t answer, but you can feel the fondness practically radiating off him as he squeezes your shoulders. “Very funny, Y/n. Go in, you’ve got stuff to do tomorrow.” Just before you disappear into the apartment, you feel a hand block the door from shutting entirely. “I’ll, uh. Call you tomorrow morning. Just in case your alarm clock doesn’t go off, or you roll out of bed, or-”

“Jungwon.”

“Right.” He breathes out, hand slipping through the small crack of the door to pat your head. “Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Jungwon.”

“Sweet dreams.”

“You too.”

“Don’t fall off the bed.”

“I won’t.”

“Don’t sleepwalk.”

“I don’t sleepwalk, you know that.”

“Fine.” As he leaves with a little wave, you pretend to close your door, before poking your head out to watch his silhouette grow smaller as he walks down the corridor. Chuckling to yourself, you finally go inside to wash up and get ready for bed. Tomorrow is another day, one with Jungwon in it. And that alone, and the knowledge that every day from this day forth will never again be void of his presence by your side, is enough to give you the courage to live for tomorrow.

«────── « ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ » ──────»

a/n: so you got to the end! congratulations and condolences. this was an absolute roller coaster and i think i screwed up any semblance of a motif. positive criticism is very much welcome. heck, i think i'll take even the hate, it's all in good fun. yeah nO. i'd be lying if i said i were proud of this but hey, i'll just come up with something better. sorry it took SO LONG, my priorities are a mess. i have more planned. never again will i do something like this, leaving the comedy/fluff to someone else hurhur.

[shyvioletcat]

A/N: Well friends, here it is. As usual please accept lateness apologies and it’s loosely edited because I have to go to bed and I have work tomorrow. I hope you like this one. Maybe content warning? just some baby nursing stuff. Just some regular function of the human body I guess. Anyway, see you guys in a minute. 

~ Made of Ashes Masterlist ~

~~~~~

Aelin felt terrible. She had as many layers on as she could bear but she was still shivering. There was a blanket over her knees and she desperately wanted to burrow herself under it completely, but there was the baby she was currently nursing preventing that. Seven weeks postpartum and life was a little rough. Last week Elsie had gotten her shot so for a few days she had been under the weather and now it was her mother’s turn. 

She had assumed that Elsie sleeping for longer than a stretch of four hours was a blessing. It in fact had turned out to be a curse. When 4am rolled around and Aelin blearily looked over to see Elsie still fast asleep she had very gratefully closed her eyes and instantly slept again. Then just before six the little whimpers started and Aelin started awake, immediately feeling the heavy weight of undrained milk on her chest. She didn’t bother to change Elsie before unclipping her top and getting started. She just needed that relief. 

Unfortunately, that extra hour and 45 minutes of sleep led to clogged duct, which led to mastitis, which culminated in Aelin feeling like utter shit while trying to take care of herself and a seven week old baby. Aelin hadn’t been entirely without help, though. Yesterday her mother had been by and filled her fridge with easy to cook meals and had taken Aelin to the doctor so she could pick up some antibiotics. But functioning was still so hard and all Aelin wanted to do was sleep, but she could only sleep when the baby slept, and Elsie decided she wouldn’t sleep unless she was rocked or cradled on her mother’s chest. And that was just too painful at the moment. Nothing seemed to fit together at the moment. 

Aelin hissed at the stinging pain that shot through her boob as the milk drained out. On top of body aches, shivers, fever and soreness in the general breast area, that was just another lovely symptom she had to deal with. When Elsie was done Aelin put her on the couch while she did her bra up, whimpering at the pain that came from the contact. Doing what she had to, Aelin picked up Elsie and made sure she was burped and settled. The next step was going to be painful and she had to psyche herself up to lean over and put Elsie in the mesh bouncer at her feet. Tapping it very gently with her foot, it was the best solution Aelin had to keep her daughter calm. With her arms free she got her wish and pulled the blanket up to her chin and focused on the TV just so she would stay awake.

The knock on the door took her by surprise. Aelin wasn’t expecting anyone but then again she had woken up not knowing what day it was. It was highly likely she had just forgotten. She looked down at Elsie in her bouncer and wondered if the infant would let her get the door without losing it completely. But the thought of bending over to take her along on the trip to the door made Aelin queasy. The pressure of that action would make her head pound and her nose had just stopped running. So Aelin threw caution to the wind and went to the door on her own. 

Standing up still had her head spinning a little, but she could easily handle that. Aelin unlocked her front door and pulled it open to reveal Fenrys standing there. 

He was wearing his usual smile when he said, “Good afternoon.” But then he really took her in and his face fell. “Gods, you look awful.”

Aelin rolled her eyes and gave herself a headache as she moved out of the middle of the doorway. “It’s nice to see you, too.”

“I didn’t mean—’’

Fenrys didn’t get to finish his sentence because Elsie took over the conversation. Aelin sighed, not at her daughter, just because she was so tired. She went back over to the couch, nearly dropping into it, and nudged the bouncer again. The crying stopped, turning to a fussy whimpering instead. Aelin heard the door close, a timely reminder that she had a guest. Fenrys came into the living area and she could feel his scrutiny. With her head leaning on the back of the couch she looked over at him 

“Yes?”

“Are you okay?” Fenrys asked.

Aelin sniffed, then coughed. “My boobs betrayed me.”

The look on Fenrys’ face would have made her laugh any other time. It was confused and maybe a little embarrassed. “They what?”

“Clogged ducts, got an infection, it's just boob stuff,” Aelin explained. “What brings you here?”

Fenrys held up a bag. “Elide had some books for you that she gave to Lorcan, which he didn’t have the time to drop off so I offered.”

Now that she thought about it was quite early for Fenrys to be here on a weekday. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

The smile on his face told her that the next words out his mouth might need questioning. “I think there’s a tickle in my throat so I had to duck out early.” 

Aelin managed a weak smile before she shivered again. 

“You’re really not well are you?” Fenrys came a little closer after the question. 

“Nope.”

Fenrys sat on the other end of the couch, leaving the books on the coffee table. “Can I do anything for you?”

“No,” Aelin said miserably. “I just want to sleep.”

There was a long moment of silence and then Fenrys cleared his throat. “Well, I could watch Elspeth if you want.” 

Aelin raised her head off the couch, a little surprised at the offer. Not everyone was keen to watch a close to two month old. She didn’t even know if Fenrys had any experience with kids. That wouldn’t exactly be a problem, but it was a lot to take on. 

“Only if you’re comfortable, of course,” Fenrys hastily added in response to her silence “I could take her for a walk or I don’t know if you need anything from the shops. I just… want to help.”

“No, no. That’s not it at all,” Aelin added hastily. “I was just concerned about you being comfortable.” 

“I’ll have you know that Korbin taught me everything there is about babysitting,” Fenrys said. “And has more than prepared me for the little princess down there. Just, you do really look like you could use a break.”

Aelin looked down at her daughter, then yawned so hard there were tears in her eyes and it took a lot of effort to keep them open after that.

“If you’re sure?” Aelin hedged, giving Fenrys the chance to back out. 

“Absolutely,” Fenrys nodded at Elsie, asking permission to pick her up. Aelin nodded back and he eased the baby out of the bouncer and Aelin’s heart clenched at how content Elsie looked at being held. “Just give me the rundown and then go to bed, or whatever you need. I got this.” 

“Yeah, yeah okay,” Aelin said “I’ll get you what you need.”

Aelin ended up supplying Fenrys with a stocked nappy bag, the chest carrier and a couple of bottles. The fridge was readily stocked with bottles because she had been pumping when she could to try and help with unclogging the duct. Fenrys got the timing instructions for feeds and even put them down in his phone. Before he left Fenrys had her to show him how to use the carrier and Elsie with all snug against his chest he was ready to go. 

“Okay, just call me, I’ll keep my phone on loud,” Aelin said, yawning again. 

Fenrys nodded and bounced a little when Elsie protested over nothing. “All good.”

Aelin stood there a little awkwardly. “Okay well.”

“We’ll go for a little walk. Leave you to rest,” Fenrys said with a reassuring wink. 

Fenrys turned and swung the backpack onto his back. He was murmuring something Aelin couldn’t hear and he gave her one last wave as he closed the door behind himself. 

The silence was odd at first but the bone deep weariness won out and Aelin took herself off to bed. But first she stopped by the kitchen to take her medication to ease her pain and help her sleep. Something about the quiet made Aelin anxious, like there was something she should be waiting for. She knew that it was more a lack of a certain little someone that had her nerves on edge, but she also knew that she had nothing to worry about with Elsie being in Fenrys’ care. Over the last six weeks, and even when Aelin was pregnant Fenrys had been so helpful and supportive. And what she really appreciated was that Fenrys didn’t push. If she had said the smallest of no’s he would have backed down and let Aelin decide what she wanted. With caring but slightly overbearing parents as her main support network it was refreshing. They meant well, Aelin just needed to breathe sometimes. 

And now alone in her quiet apartment feeling like absolute hell and on her way to her very comfortable bed, Aelin could do just that. Under her blankets, and head resting on her pillow it only took minutes for her to fall asleep. 

It was pain that had Aelin waking up; she didn’t know how long later. Her hands immediately went to her boobs and were feeling full again. That meant that Elsie had been gone longer than she expected and had missed a feed. It was odd not to run on clocks anymore, rather it was the baby rearing functions of her body. Aelin got out of bed, heading to the living room where her pump was to once again add to the stash in her fridge. She still didn’t feel great, but she felt a little bit better. At least now that she felt like she could keep her eyes open. 

The apartment was still quiet, and unexpectedly it turned out that it was not as unoccupied as she thought. Coming out of the hallway she saw Fenrys sitting on the couch with Elsie curled up asleep on his chest. 

“Check it out,” Fenrys said softly as to not disturb the sleeping baby. “I did it.” 

That made Aelin smile and she nodded, walking over to look at her daughter. Elsie was notoriously hard to get to sleep and she loved contact naps, which unfortunately she had been deprived of recently. Right now she looked so content where she was, more content that she had in days. This sickness was hard on the both of them it seemed. 

“She seemed hungry so I just fed her and then she was all tuckered out and I got her to sleep,” Fenrys explained. “And we had fun on our little outing. We got you a treat, it’s on the kitchen counter.”

“Thank you,” Aelin said, excited to see what it was. On the bench there was a block of chocolate, nothing fancy, just classic milk chocolate. But it was enough to get her appetite going. She took that with her, along with a bottle of water, back out to the living room. 

“Ah, I see it passes,” Fenrys said when he spotted the chocolate. 

“Oh, yeah. And I’m sorry but I’m not sharing. Nursing starves me.”

Fenrys chuckled and that made Elsie stir. He stopped immediately and hushed her gently, Aelin was pretty sure he was holding his breath until Elsie settled again. Aelin smiled, ripping back the foil on her chocolate and broke off a row. While she ate that she contemplated the dilemma in front of her. Elsie had just eaten, and she was asleep, which meant nursing right now was not an option. So Aelin would have to pump, but she usually did that out here, all her stuff was already set up. The problem now was the man at the other end of the couch with a sleeping baby on him that Aelin really didn’t want to move. 

“This is going to be super awkward,” Aelin started, shooting a timid glance at Fenrys. The change of motherhood had made her unsure of herself, it was hard for her to own awkward situations like she used to. “I need to pump, and I don’t want to kick you out… but. But you’re stuck under my baby and I don’t want to wake her up and all my pumping stuff is right here and I really don’t have it in me to carry it to the other room.”

“Okay,” Fenrys said, the syllables of the word were drawn out as awkwardly as the situation was. “Hand me one of those books.” 

Aelin passed him one of the books that he had dropped off. It was a contemporary romance, one of the ones with the blocky faceless cartoons on the front. Fenrys opened it and a second later his entire face was hidden as he angled it to block Aelin out completely.

“I swear the book will not move until you're done,” his voice came from behind the pages. 

Aelin just looked at him for a long moment. “It’s going to be like twenty minutes.”

“Don’t worry, my biceps can handle it,” Fenrys assured her. 

Aelin’s laugh was a little nervous. “Alright then.” 

Minutes later Aelin was all set up, the pump on and they both sat there awkwardly. But true to his word he kept that book up and gave her the privacy she needed. 

Aelin stopped her mindless scrolling to look over at her friend, as much as him as she could see, anyway. “You’re a good guy, Fen.”

He gives her a thumbs up, only his curly blonde hair showing over the top of the book. “I try my best.” 

~~~~~

Rowan had been working in his office all day and hadn't noticed the sky had gone dark. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. And he doubted that it would be the last. His focus was unmatched, he was first one into the office and he was the last one to leave consistently. The way it came so easily to him was just further proof to him that he was doing what he was meant to do. Coming to Doranelle was the right decision for him, Rowan had no doubt about that. 

His solitude was a blessing in disguise, how simple life was with a one track mind. One day he might go searching for more but right now this was enough. 

~~~~~

Aelin stood, arms folded, as Elspeth walked in circles around her legs. Amazingly they were slightly early, a very rare occurrence in the Galathynius household. After being told where they were going Elsie had been excitable this morning and had to be bribed to sit down and eat her snack before they left. She had practically inhaled her food and was waiting by the front door in record time. Today was the day, today Elsie would be meeting her other set of grandparents and that had Aelin’s stomach in knots. She had wanted to have this meeting in a public place and not in the apartment. That was a safe place for the both of them and Aelin didn’t want that compromised. Not that she expected Rowan’s parents to do anything untowards, not at all. It was their sanctuary and home where Aelin had everything under control and she wanted to keep it that way. This playground was neutral territory. 

“Rue coming?” Elsie asked, looking up at her mother with big eyes and eager to start playing.

Aelin shook her head. “No, not today.” 

Elsie huffed dramatically, continuing her pacing, and Aelin continued to be nervous. Besides last night she hadn’t seen Iris and Evander since months before she and Rowan had broken up. With them living in Doranelle, visits weren’t frequent and Aelin had been wracking her brain trying to remember the last time. 

“Swings now, Mama?” Elsie asked, pulling her mother’s hand towards the playground, her impatience winning out. “Please, now?”

“Not yet, darling,” Aelin said and Elsie let out a sound of frustration. Aelin knew she had limited time before a full blown tantrum erupted. “We’re waiting for someone else.”

Elsie didn’t know who she was meeting today, Aelin couldn’t figure out a way to explain it to her.  At two years old she had no idea about familial bonds or how complicated they could get. Throwing in another set of grandparents, even just by title, would be confusing. There was also the possibility that Aelin was avoiding the topic completely and was waiting until the last possible moment to fully deal with it. It was a terrible thing to do, but it was keeping some of her sanity. Having Iris and Evander meet Elsie was the first step, however things went from there would determine what happened next. 

Aelin looked around, trying to see if she could spot them anywhere when her eyes caught on a car pulling into a parking spot. A few moments later two familiar figures got out of the car. Evander Whitethorn was always what Aelin imagined Rowan to look like when he got older, with his silver hair and green eyes. Rowan hadn’t inherited much from his mother’s side but when Iris spotted them and gave her a small smile he could be seen in that. 

“Elsie, here they come,” Aelin said and took her daughter's hand.

She watched as Elsie looked over to where her grandparents approached and she sidled up closer to Aelin’s leg, practically hiding behind her. Aelin wasn’t going to force anything here, this would go Elsie’s way. If she wasn’t comfortable and wanted to leave, Aelin would pull the plug without hesitation. 

Neither Iris nor Evander were looking at Aelin, their eyes were fixed on the child next to her, no doubt recognising the green eyes she had inherited from her father. They both stopped a short distance away just as Elsie hid behind her mother’s legs completely.

“Aelin,” Iris said but didn’t come any closer. “It’s nice to see you.”

Aelin nodded. “You too Iris. How are you Evan?”

Evander gave her a kind smile. “I’m well.”

A tugging on her hand made Aelin look down. “You want to say hello?”

Elsie didn’t say anything, but she did look at Iris and Evander with curiosity and interest. Iris took a single step forward and Elsie didn’t move.

“Hello, Elspeth. We’re old friends of your mother. That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing.”

“It’s blue,” Elsie said in response, tugging on the front of it.

Then Iris crouched down, wincing a little at the movement. “I love the colour blue. I have something for you in my bag. Would you like to see? If you like it you can keep it,” Iris said, then looked up at Aelin. “If that’s alright with your mother of course.”

The words were said kindly, no hint of judgement or resentment, so Aelin nodded and Iris' hesitant smile spread a little further. 

Out of her bag she pulled a toy pony, yellow with purple hair. “I wasn’t sure what you would like so I took a guess.”

So slowly Elspeth came out from behind Aelin, but her steps were sure as she walked towards Iris.

“This yellow,” Elsie said as she pointed to the pony’s body. “This purple.”

“Wow, look at you. You know all the colours,” Iris said as she held out the pony for her granddaughter to take. “You are so clever.”

Aelin couldn’t see, but from the way Iris’ face lit up she was sure Elsie was smiling at her. Then her little hand reached out and took the pony, Elsie immediately turning to her mother holding out the new toy. “Look Mum!”

“I see,” Aelin said, running a hand over Elsie’s golden curls. “Did you say thank you.”

Elsie turned back to Iris who had eased herself back up to standing. “Thank you, a’welcome.”

Aelin was able to recognise the toddler speech, that was ‘thank you’ and a ‘you’re welcome’ thrown together. Iris and Evander chuckled at that, having understood it enough.

“She hasn’t quite learned yet that she only needs to say one,” Aelin explained.

“Slides now?” Elsie asked.

“Of course,” Aelin said and Elsie started to lead her away.

“May we?” Evander asked. “Of course if you’re not comfortable…”

“No, no,” Aelin said quickly. “It’s fine. Elsie, can Evander and Iris play with you? I’ll sit on the bench just over there.”

Elsie eyed the adults that weren’t her mother for a long second and then said, “Okay.”

Both Evander and Iris were beaming as Elsie let go of Aelin’s hand and took Iris’, still a little wary of Evander. Aelin watched them walk away before she made her way over to the bench and sat down. Elsie going off with them like that was a little unexpected, although she did have quite an outgoing streak so it shouldn't have been too surprising. And the toy pony certainly sweetened the deal. 

Aelin watched Elsie play with her grandparents for longer than she expected the two year to last. But with the two of them at her beck and call Elsie was in her element. Iris and Evander did just about everything Elsie commanded of them and they looked as if they were enjoying every second of it. A few minutes ago she had led them over to the swing that she was now sitting in, her pony held in one hand as Evander pushed her. Aelin was enraptured by the way her daughter laughed and smiled so much so she hadn’t realised Iris was heading over to her until she had nearly sat down. When Iris did sit she let out a tired sigh as she settled onto the bench.

“It has been a very, very, long time since a toddler ordered me around a playground,” she said with a smile and looked over at Aelin. “Elspeth is so precious, Aelin. You should be so proud.”

“Thank you,” Aelin said, suddenly feeling painfully uncomfortable. With Iris right beside her there was nowhere left to hide and there were things she had to say. 

Aelin had to look away as tears started to prick her eyes. Iris just reached over and rubbed her shoulder. This had been Aelin’s one regret when it came to raising her daughter. She had loved Iris and Evander, they had welcomed her into the family with open arms and had almost become second parents to her. Not telling them about their grandchild had kept Aelin up on so many nights these past three years. There was always a little bit of shame Aelin had held onto because of that.

“It wasn’t you,” Aelin said quietly. “I need you to know that me not telling you about her wasn’t about you or Evan. It was about him, no one else. I never told you because of Rowan. Him walking out like that… it broke me and breaking every connection I had with him is how I survived.” 

“He never…” Iris clearly her throat. “He never told me about what happened. Not in detail.” They were both silent for a long moment and then Iris asked. “He left you?”

That night flashed in Aelin’s mind, remembering how angry they had both been and all the things they’d said. “I offered him a choice and he didn't choose me”

Something like surprise lit up Iris’ face and her lips went tight like she was holding her words back. It was the simplest way Aelin could have said it without going into the gorey details. She would leave that up to Rowan if his parents had more questions. But she would answer the one that was undoubtedly the most pressing.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant when Rowan left,” Aelin admitted. “It took me weeks to figure it out.” 

Iris nodded, then sighed. “I will admit, I was angry when Rowan told me about Elspeth. I didn’t understand, I still don't fully understand. But I understand enough to know that you put the needs of your child first. It would have been very difficult for you to decide to let us into her life right now, so thank you for that.”

Right then Elsie’s bright laughter travelled over to them and the two women looked over to the swings. Aelin didn’t miss Iris wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.

She had one last thing to say. “You never did anything to make me question otherwise and I’m so sorry. He may not have chosen me, but I chose her.”

“I know,” Iris said sadly. “I know.”

Small running feet caught both their attention, and Aelin saw Elsie running towards them. Just like that, all those hard feelings were swept under the rug for the sake of the child who meant so much. She’d been caught up in it enough, she didn’t need to witness trying to figure out this mess.

“I thought we might get some ice-cream,” Evander suggested playfully.

“Ice-cream!” Elsie echoed, looking as excited as any almost two year old would over such a treat.

Aelin smiled and let Elsie pull her to her feet. “I think that’s a great idea.”

~~~~~

Being a Saturday there was no real reason for Rowan to go into work, but when faced with the alternative it was the better option. Even though Aelin had asked him to leave the room while she spoke to his parents—something he was still mildly pissed about—they had filled him in afterwards about what the plans were. They were meeting at a local park, sometime around ten, where they would be introduced to their granddaughter. And then Rowan could only guess what they would do next. Rowan hadn’t said anything, because he could see them holding back their hesitant excitement, but Aelin’s invitation had been like a kick to the guts. 

He was starting to realise what Aelin had offered—no imposed—on him wasn’t enough. He’d been playing by Aelin’s rules since he arrived, he’d been here for months and had nothing to show for it. Honestly, Rowan didn’t blame Aelin for the boundaries she’d set, he was just getting tired of them. What had started as curiosity about Elspeth was morphing into something else. Rowan wanted to know his daughter.

Aelin could deny it all she wanted, but Elspeth was a part of him. He wanted the chance to get to know her, and a chance to prove himself after all those times he hadn’t handled things the best he could. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to commit to the entire fatherhood thing, that was a looming and scary thought Rowan wasn’t quite ready to examine just yet. But he needed to start somewhere. 

So instead sitting at home waiting and contemplating the pitfalls of his current circumstances, and even considering going for a run and just happening to pass the park, Rowan drove to the office where he could be guaranteed complete distraction. He used the opportunity to contact some international clients in places where it wasn’t currently the weekend. Then he had enough projects to look over to keep him occupied after that. It was his hunger at mid afternoon that had him heading home. As expected, Rowan’s time at work was productive and had done exactly what he had wanted it to. It was reliable like that. 

Rowan was late enough home that he was surprised to see that his mother was there when walked through the door. She sat on the couch, glasses on, reading a book, but she didn’t look up right away as she most definitely heard him come in.

“I thought you’d be back at the hotel by now,” Rowan said, dropping his work things on the small kitchen table.

His mother looked up then, taking her glasses off, her face set in an expression Rowan hadn’t seen since he was a teenager. He knew he was in trouble.

“You idiot,” she said simply. “You rutting gods-damned idiot.”

Rowan was openly surprised at his mother’s words.

“Not only did you leave that poor woman devastated, you broke her enough that she didn’t want  to tell you about that beautiful little girl. She is so precious Rowan,” The emotion in his mother’s voice built with every word. 

“I wouldn’t know, I’ve only seen her a handful of times,” Rowan said defensively, but he knew it was the wrong thing to say as the unadulterated anger that flashed in his mother’s eyes.

“I always knew you leaving her was a mistake but now,” she just shook her head as if she didn’t know what to say, or maybe it was what she wouldn’t say to him. But it didn’t take long for her to recover. “You don’t even know what you’re missing.”

Shame washed over him, it was like welcoming an old friend. She was right, he didn’t. And maybe for everyone involved it was better that way.

“We loved Aelin like she was our own, it broke our hearts when you left her.” His mother had stood now, and somewhere Rowan was aware of his father entering the room. “And now we’ve missed years of Elspeth’s life because you didn’t realise all you needed was right in front of you. Now you’re just left with this empty life, void of any meaning.”

“Iris,” Evander said, softly but firm.

From the look in his mother’s eyes she knew she had gone too far, but she wasn’t going to apologise. She just looked at him for a long moment waiting for him to say something. But Rowan had nothing to say, because he knew she was right.

His mother took that as her sign to leave. She picked up her things and without another word she was out the door. From where his father stood in the entryway of the kitchen he sighed. Evander followed his wife but he stopped beside Rowan and put a hand on his shoulder. 

“She’s just upset, son. Give her a moment. We had a good day, so everything is a bit much,” Evander said. “If you need me, just call, all right?”

“Thanks, Dad,” Rowan murmured.

“Chin up, Rowan. This’ll get sorted.”

They exchanged goodbyes, but Rowan stood there alone for a moment trying to figure out what his father was referring to. He didn’t know if it was the situation with his mother or with Aelin and Elspeth. No matter what it was, the words his mother had thrown at him had cut him deep and he was struggling to sort through his feelings fast enough to keep himself together. A million what ifs invaded his mind, and they didn’t leave him alone while he went through the motions of his evening. And as Rowan lay in bed ready to sleep he knew they would haunt his dreams. 

He had been right, and that was evident from the sluggish way that he made his coffee. All night his dreams had been restless, jumping from one possibility to another. Some where he met Elspeth when she was a teenager, others where Aelin took the initiative and ran even further from him. There was one that was especially vivid at a wedding, Aelin was the bride but it wasn’t him she was marrying. 

The door unlocking blessedly drew Rowan out of his thoughts and he knew who it would be. His mother appeared in the kitchen a moment later, a take out bag in her hand. She looked as tired as he probably did. 

“I got you a bacon and egg breakfast sandwich,” Iris said, her tone flat. “I assume it’s still the only fast food breakfast you enjoy?”

Rowan nodded. “Would you like a cup?”

“Yes please,” his mother replied to his offer. 

It took Rowan half a moment to pour another cup of coffee and carry it out to the kitchen table to where his mother waited. He put down the cup in front of her and she pushed the wrapped sandwich at him. He unwrapped it but didn’t take a bite, just like Iris didn’t take a sip of her coffee. 

“I’m sorry, Rowan,” she said at last when the silence between them was almost unbearable. “I shouldn't have said those things to you.”

Rowan laughed humourlessly. “You weren’t wrong.” 

“That may be the case, but I could have been kinder about it,” Iris admitted to him. “Yesterday was just a lot to take in. And you…” she sighed heavily. “You’ve known about this for months. Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you say anything?”

With a sharp shrug Rowan said, “Shame, embarrassment, anger. Take your pick.” 

Iris lent forward, her hand reaching for his. “But you’ve been dealing with this on your own.”

He really had. There hadn’t been a soul that he’d been able to talk to about this whole situation with open honesty. Lorcan had been the closest, but he was so embroiled in it all that Rowan hadn’t bothered to rely on him completely. 

“Son,” Iris whispered softly. “Talk to me, please.”

“I didn’t know what to do.” In this moment Rowan allowed himself to be vulnerable. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so angry, I just internalised it all and took it one day at a time.”

“What is it that you want?” his mother pressed. 

It took Rowan a moment to consider if he could say these words out loud. “I want to know her. Elspeth. I’ve seen glimpses and she seems like such a… a little ray of sunshine and I just. I don’t know what it is but lately something in my chest just aches when I see her.”

His mother was crying. “Yeah, I can understand that.”

“I bet she’s nothing like me,” Rowan said, playing with the corner of the table, watching as his thumb pressed into the corner. 

“Oh, you’d be surprised,” Iris said, her voice a bit lighter and it made Rowan look up. “When she concentrates very hard she gets this little crease between her eyebrows just here,” she ran a thumb between his brows, “just like you do.”

“She does?” Rowan hated the enthusiasm in his voice.

“Yeah, she does,” Iris insisted, sitting back in her chair. “Eat up, Rowan. Then we’ll start figuring this out together.”

Like he was a little child again he nodded and did as his mother said. His admissions had left him feeling lighter, hopeful even. That was something Rowan hadn’t felt in a long while.

~~~~~

I didn’t forget Rowan’s flashback, that’s just a little technique to show how little he’s got going on at the moment. Thanks for reading!

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[tobesobri]

Traditions | 17.3k

a/n: it's been a while since I uploaded writing and for some reason I decided to sign up for this challenge and by some miracle actually managed to write something for it 🤯anyways, this is for the Valentine's Day Challenge by @1dffchallenges and it's honestly just a bit of fun, enemies to lovers little bit of angst and some smut! so i hope you enjoy! I'd always love to know your thoughts!! (also pls excuse any errors, I wrote this in a week with little editing lol)

prompt: doube date

dialogue: “So let me get this right. You want to hire me as your date for a Valentine’s Day Party?”

Pink and red were speckled throughout the entire office, whether it was a bouquet of chocolate roses, a banner of hearts, or stuffed bears residing next to bowls full of heart-shaped candies. Every employee’s section of the office had been filled to the brim with decorations as well. Pink and red ribbon taped carefully around the edges of their desktop computer, little store-bought balloons, also heart-shaped, grouped together and tied to desk chairs. 

And Y/N, dressed in her typical all black outfit, rolled her eyes as she paced through the office toward the one section in the back that was immune to all things heart-shaped, pink, or stuffed. 

She sat down at her desk with a loud sigh, her purse hitting the floor in its usual spot just before she slipped out of her jacket and draped it haphazardly between her back and the chair. It’d be wrinkled by the end of the day, but she didn’t care all that much, nor did she put much thought into the stains on her purse from leaving it on the floor. All she concerned herself with, after settling in, was getting straight to work… which was put on hiatus when she came face-to-face with both a pink and heart-shaped sticky note plastered onto the center of her computer screen. 

Groaning, she ripped it off and moved to turn her computer on before she bothered to read whatever was written on the note. She considered three potential suspects while she pulled her keyboard down onto her desk and logged in. There was Kayla, who worked front reception and was one of the main culprits of all the Valentine’s decorations. A strong contender. It could’ve also been Ines or Carmen, her closest work friends whom Y/N knew both owned a pad of pink, heart-shaped sticky notes. 

However, when she finally let her eyes fall to the note as her computer loaded up, the handwriting didn’t match any of the women she knew, and she was quite positive that none of them would have written was was sprawled out in black ink either.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I will fill your office with teddy bears and balloons, if you don’t send me your half of the proposal by two.

Harry.

She crumpled the note and tossed it into the bin under her desk. He could go fuck himself for all she cared. Sure, she was nearly done with her portion of the work and would be able to send it to him before then, but now that he’d pestered her about it, he’d be lucky if she even bothered to send it to him at all. 

She didn’t doubt the promise, i.e. threat, he made on the note, but being surrounded by teddy bears and balloons would be worth making Harry’s life just a tad miserable.

After opening all the apps she’d need to get her work done, namely Photoshop and Illustrator, she connected her drawing tablet and set up the rest of her work station for the day, both on screen and off.

Harry had worked at the company for about two years longer than her and she’d started off as an intern while she was still in college and, after graduating, was hired as a permanent graphic designer. They had never really gotten along ever since Harry—jokingly—asked her to get him a coffee once… or twice. Unfortunately for her, though, they ended up working well together and their boss had stuck them both on the same projects ever since. Especially after the month-long project last spring that had been their most successful one to date. 

While she came up with the design parts of client projects, Harry handled the more technical side of things and they’d never really argued much over each other’s work even though they clashed constantly at a more personal level. 

“I see your feeling festive.” Just as she’d gotten into the groove of her typical morning and had forgotten all about Harry’s stupid note, his voice interrupted her entire thought process. So when she swiveled around to find him leaning into her little office space, it was hardly a surprise when she glared at him, even though he feigned offense at her bitterness.

“You got my note, I presume.” He let himself into her space anyway, holding a mug of steaming coffee she was sure he’d just made in the workroom, and leaned up against the opposite side of her desk that housed a much larger, digital drawing tablet for when she needed to do more intricate design pieces. 

She just swiveled back around to face her computer again and went back to work as if he was no longer there. Pretending to ignore his existence proved to be quite difficult when the very particular woodsy, vanilla scents of his cologne met her nostrils and filled her entire office. Not to mention, the sight of what he’d been wearing singed the backs of her eyelids so that she still saw him every time she blinked. It was as if her brain refused to let her forget what he looked like in his white button-up, sleeves rolled to the crooks of his elbows, all tucked into his fitted black trousers that tended to get the imaginations going of all the women in the building. 

Not her though, of course. She was better than that. Obviously.

He cleared his throat, still very much present in her space and still very much giving her a migraine. “So will it be ready by two?”

“Well, I planned to send it to you before lunch.” She tweaked the spacing between letters of a potential logo for the millionth time. “But now… I think I might need the rest of the day.”

She heard rustling behind her and knew he was shifting his weight impatiently and running a hand through his hair as he often did when he was… displeased. “I told you I’m leaving early tomorrow and I need it no later than two.”

She cocked her head to the side, still staring at her computer screen and not giving him an ounce of satisfaction. “Did you tell me that?” She teased, an amused smirk lifting the corners of her mouth when she heard him groan behind her. “I must’ve forgotten.” Shrugging, she went back to her work.

“Unlike you,” he snapped, “some of us actually have a love life and I’d appreciate you not fucking up mine.”

She froze then, only for a split second, when his words sank in. Two thoughts raced through her head. The first a string of curse words because of his assumption that she didn’t have a love life. But the more prominent and worrisome part of his statement was that he did have one. And that he was leaving early tomorrow—Valentine’s Day—so he could get ready for a date.

Throwing both her prickly exterior and heartbreaking smirk up again, she turned to face him. “I’ve known you for three years now and if anyone has the potential to fuck up your love life, it’s you.”

He narrowed his eyes at her and her gaze fell to the hand that seemed to wrap a bit tighter around his Bugs Bunny mug. His knuckles whitened and she met his heated stare again, pleased with herself for getting him riled up before he’d even finished his morning coffee.

“So,” she continued before he get get a word of retaliation out, and sat back against her chair, crossing her legs confidently as she folded her hands in her lap. “Who’s the poor girl you’ve tricked into going on a date with you this time?”

Harry had a terrible track record. The longest relationship he’d been in lasted for two months, and that was well before she’d known him. Everything else he had was just a one or two night thing and nothing more. Sure, it was all more than she had, but she preferred it that way. Harry seemed to resent the fact that he couldn’t keep a girlfriend to save his life.

“You don’t know her.”

Her smile widened. “How long have you been seeing her?”

“Couple weeks.”

“Ooh, that just might be your second longest relationship, Styles.” 

“Well at least I’ve had one.”

His jab didn’t have an affect on her however, and he knew it wouldn’t because it never did. He knew she didn’t give a damn about relationships, or at least that’s what she claimed anyway. He couldn’t think of many twenty-four year old women who actually wanted to be alone. He actually couldn’t think of a mid-twenties anyone who wanted that.

“You’ll have to try harder than that.” She said nonchalantly, which irked him even more than he already was, and then swiveled away from him one last time, picking up her drawing pen and getting back to work.

“What’s your issue with relationships?” He went on and she knew he was headed right down a path intended to hurt her feelings just as much as she had his. So, she tensed slightly and braced for impact. “Is it a commitment thing? Or can you just not find anyone to put up with you for longer than five minutes?” 

She let his words sink their teeth in and then smiled to herself. “Hm. Seeing as you’ve been in my office now for,” she checked the time at the top right-hand corner of her screen, “eight minutes, maybe we should date.” She lifted a brow, awaiting his next response. 

It felt a bit like a cat-and-mouse chase bickering with Harry and since she was usually the cat, it brought her way too much pleasure fighting with him.

He scoffed. “Like I’d lower my standards for you.”

That one hurt, she had to admit. Not out loud or to Harry, but it still stung because it was true. He’d have to drop his standards to the floor to even consider dating her and she knew it. 

“Maybe,” she began, still half focused on her work, and ignored his comment all together, “some of us like being alone.”

“Nobody likes that.” He responded quickly and she heard a shift of his weight again and then his voice once more a few moments later. “It’s nice to be by yourself sometimes, yeah, but you can’t tell me you don’t want someone to come home to at the end of the day.” He crossed one leg over the other as he gripped the edge of her desk for support and just when she thought he was done, he kept going, “Someone you can vent to about your annoying co-worker.”

She glanced at him through the little portable mirror hanging above her desk—mostly used to make sure she looked decent before meeting with clients or, sometimes, Harry—and saw the tight smile on his lips. Almost as if that’s what he wanted, like he was talking about himself and not her. 

She’d slowed her progress down while he’d talked until she was no longer working at all. She no longer swiped her pen across the pad or had any idea what she was even doing when she focused solely on his words. Because, once again, whether he was talking about himself or about her, he was right.

“Yeah well,” she quickly hid herself back behind her wall and made her hands function properly again. “Some of us also don’t have the luxury of choosing whomever we want.”

She imagined him smirking at that one because, buried deep within her words was a compliment. That he was handsome enough to actually have anyone he wanted.

Instead, when she glanced at the mirror again and found him, there was the complete opposite of a smirk on his face, and as he stared down into his mug, clearly lost in thought, she wondered what the tightness in his jaw and the frown pulling on his lips meant.

She sighed and stole his attention away from his coffee. “I’ll have it to you before lunch. You can go now, unless you’d like to argue some more and slow me down by another…” she glanced at her clock again, adding up all the time he’d been standing in her office, “fifteen minutes.”

Without another word, she listened to the drag of his footsteps as he finally left her office space. And although she was glad to be rid of his distraction, the room felt so much bigger and so much colder and emptier without him in it. Shivering, she slipped back into her jacket and spent the next few hours doing nothing but staring straight ahead at her screen as she made final adjustments to her designs. 

Any other conversations with Harry were had over email as he worked in his own respective office, messaging her with every little concern he had in order to get his work done efficiently so that he wasn’t stressing to finish it tomorrow before he had to leave. Even though Y/N considered not responding to him a few times, just to spite him and slow him down for her own amusement, she found herself feeling guilty after leaving him hanging a couple times. Sure, she hated Valentine’s Day and everything surrounding it, but she’d almost hate even more the idea of both her and Harry being miserable tomorrow, so she inevitably gave in and cooperated with him. She’d probably regret it when he came back on Thursday spreading around the office all the gory details of his date, but at least he wouldn’t also be in a shitty mood. Her days were both boring and slow whenever Harry wasn’t having a good day. And although she’d blame it all on selfish reasons, it did also make her sad to see him frowning around the office and sulking when all she wanted to do was bicker with him and make him smile again, even just a little bit. But it was easier leaving him to his own devices than risk him finding out she cared about him enough to not wish sadness upon him.  

She couldn’t say the same for him. Harry probably relished in the days she came into the office in a sour mood. He probably celebrated and threw a party whenever she was upset, and, even so, it didn’t change how she felt about him.

The sun had long set and most of the office was gone by the time she finally called it quits and began packing up her things and giving her computer a rest for the night. There were still quiet murmurs from other workaholic employees, which comforting her knowing she wasn’t completely alone in the building, since the last time she’d done that, it took everything in her not to have a panic attack all the way to her car. 

Even though her boss told her countless times not to stay past five o’clock, as he told every other female employee that worked for him that he didn’t wish to see attacked after sunset in the city. Of course, when she was the only one who didn’t listen to him, he hired more guards and one of them rounded the corner into her office space, ready to escort her all the way down to her car.

“Figured you were still here.” He leaned against the walls of her cubicle and watched as she startled, twisting to meet his eyes for a moment before she settled and returned to slipping her belongings into her purse. 

“I don’t need you to escort me.” Zipping her purse, she rose from her chair, checking one last time across her desk to make sure she’d grabbed everything she needed to take home with her before turning to him as he still lingered in the opening of her little office. 

William had been hired a couple months ago, and was only a year older than her, but even so he was more than a foot taller than her and his biceps were about as big as her head. While the entire office drooled over him, she tended to keep her eyes and her thoughts to herself. 

“You say that every night you stay late. Just let me do my job and shut up about it.” He smirked at her and when her eyes met his again, sharply, glaring at him, she groaned and whirled past him toward the elevators. He followed swiftly behind, knowing she’d close the doors on him if he didn’t keep close enough pace with her, mostly because she’d done it before.

As he took his spot beside her and she pressed the button for the parking garage at the basement of the building, a familiar voice rang out through the office.

“Wait!” As if she wasn’t already annoyed enough with William’s presence, his stupidly large arm held the elevator doors open as Harry slipped inside a moment later.

“Thanks, mate.” Harry said exclusively to William as he caught his breath and stood wedged in the middle between the guard and Y/N, who was inching closer and closer into her corner to get away from Harry.

“You have any plans tomorrow?” Harry asked, his attention solely on William again while the elevator took off down through the levels of their building. Not fast enough for Y/N, of course.

William sighed, crossing his arms and trying to resist smiling. “Me and my girlfriend take turns surprising each other every year. And it’s her turn this year… so I guess I have plans, but I don’t know what they are.”

“Damn, way to make us feel incompetent.”

Y/N whirled her head to glare up at the side of Harry’s face. “Speak for yourself.” She warned.

Harry just ignored her though. “What did you guys do last year?”

Again, William stifled a grin. “I had been saving up for a while and took us both to Paris.”

“Shit.” Harry’s eyebrows rose and Y/N rolled her eyes away from him, watching the LED screen above the elevator doors as they neared the bottom levels of the building. She knew Harry and William had become friends, mostly because Harry was annoying and befriended everyone. Except her, of course. She heard his stupid voice again and wished she could just transport herself directly into the front seat of her car and be done with the both of them. “And now she has to do better than Paris.”

Y/N glanced around Harry just in time to see William smirk and she should have known what was about to come out of his mouth before it did. “Well, I don’t consider much better than her mouth ar—“

Y/N cut him off. “Ew! Are you serious?”

Both men eyed her curiously just as the elevator came to a stop and, with a ding, the doors opened. She flew toward them quickly.

“Y/N wait, I have to—“

Again, she cut him off, turning once she was out on solid ground. “I’ll be fine, besides trying to rid my mind of that image you just burned into it.” She turned on her heel and headed off toward her car.

William made a move toward her and Harry grabbed his arm, “I’ll walk her. Forgot she’s a bit of a prude.” They shared an amused look and Harry jogged out onto the concrete and asphalt until he reached her side.

“I heard that, you know… and I know for a fact your car is not parked in this direction.” She seethed and he just smiled to himself, happier than ever that she was in the mood to bicker with him, because he wasn’t quite in the mood to leave yet, where he’d have to wait till tomorrow morning at nine-thirty to see her again. And she wasn’t always the most talkative person on Valentine’s Day, either.

“Why are you the only female in our building not foaming at the mouth over him?” He asked instead, referring to William.

He heard her scoff. “Just because he’s attractive doesn’t mean I have to be interested… or want to hear about his girlfriend sucking his—“

“Cock?” Harry finished for her and within a second she spun around to face him, forcing him to stop in his tracks just inches from her now. His smirk only grew when he saw just how quickly he’d gotten her all flustered. 

And then, as they started each other down, the hardness in her face softened and she drew out a breath, forcing his eyes to fall to her lips and his smirk to fall from his mouth. He thought back to last spring, when there were numerous late nights with her just like this one. When he went home and couldn’t stop thinking about…

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She asked and he blinked a couple times before he lifted his eyes.

“Like what?” He furrowed his brows, trying to track down all the resentment he had for her but he couldn’t find it anywhere anymore. He couldn’t summon it and say something that would save his ass from being caught looking at her like he wanted to kiss her.

Like he wanted to taste her and feel her against him, and hear what she sounded like when he tugged at her hair for more.

“Nevermind.” She shook her head, silencing the chaos going on in his brain. And then she turned, continuing the walk to her car with or without him, but, when she heard the echoing click of his shoes against the asphalt once more, she knew she wasn’t rid of him yet.

“I don’t suppose you’ll give me a ride back to my car, will you?” He easily stepped back into place beside her like nothing had happened.

She didn’t say anything for much longer than he was comfortable with. And then, finally, they reached her car and she sighed. “Get in before I change my mind.”

As she went for the driver’s side, he took quick steps to the opposite side, watching her over the top of her little Honda as she unlocked her door, and then, after clicking the button, his door as well. They both slipped in at the same time and while she fastened her seatbelt and settled in for her drive home, he sat perched with his backpack in his lap, knowing he’d be out of her car within only a couple minutes.

He still glanced around at his surroundings as she backed out of her parking space. “Should’ve guessed your car would be as neat as your desk.”

She didn’t say anything as she drove in the opposite direction of the exit toward the section of the garage Harry always parked in. It was closer to the elevators because he always came in before her and snagged a prime spot. She preferred an extra few minutes of sleep over walking an extra fifty steps.

And he started up again when she continued to not talk to him. “Most artists I know of are super messy.”

“I’m not an artist.” She gritted out through her teeth as she came to a stop once she spotted the rear-end of Harry’s BMW. Although she knew it well enough to distinguish it from the other black BMWs in the garage, it also helped that Harry had an old, faded license plate cover filled with a collage of cute pictures of puppies. He’d said it won him bonus points with women, but she also knew his screensaver at work was a picture of puppies as well, and no women he was interested in ever saw that.

He peeled his eyes off his car and looked over at her. “I know you can draw, too.”

She paused, gripping her steering wheel. She did enjoy both art and design and she knew Harry knew the difference between the two. She just didn’t know why he always insisted on bugging her about it. 

“Yeah, well that doesn’t make me an artist.”

When he didn’t say anything, she glanced at him just in time to find him shrugging a shoulder like he was agreeing to disagree. Even if she couldn’t draw, he’d still consider her an artist because the things she managed to design always blew his mind and if that wasn’t art… 

She rolled her eyes. “Are you going to get out, or do I have to drag you?”

He grinned, and it was almost as if her eyes refused to see anything else but his dimples and the bright whites of his teeth, and the birthmark to the side of his mouth… 

“I’m going.” He assured, and yet he still hadn’t moved an inch. “Even though I’d love to see you try to drag me.” With her knuckles whitening on the steering wheel, he chuckled and unzipped the small pocket on the front of his backpack, withdrawing his keys as he finally swung her door open.

Once he was out, he gripped the top of the door and leaned back in to find her staring straight ahead. “Drive carefully, yeah? Would be quite tragic for your bitter ass to die on Valentine’s Day.”

She reached over and, despite having to brush her knuckles along the side of his thigh, grabbed the handle of the passenger door and yanked. His body remained in her way, however, and he was unfortunately a lot stronger than her.

Then she finally looked up at him, and those thoughts he had earlier surfaced again as much as he’d tried to bury them. This time though, he didn’t fight it as he glanced at her lips once more, then back at her eyes, which had widened slightly just before the dimples reappeared in his cheeks. “And I guess I would miss bickering with you every day.”

With that, he was gone and she retreated back to her seat as he shut the door for her. She had no idea what to think about what had just happened. Why he’d looked at her like that again. What that look even meant. 

By the time she reached the freeway, she’d convinced herself she was just seeing things. Harry wasn’t looking at her in any other way he had before when he was intent on pestering her. But, as she took in the scent of him still lingering in the cabin, she allowed a small part of her to hope she was wrong.

Her eyes fell on the man down the hall from her door as she slipped her key into the lock, her brows furrowing as she watched him. It wasn’t unusual for their paths to cross, as they tended to get home around the same time, but it was quite odd to see him sitting on the floor outside his apartment, his head in his hands. 

They’d said hi to each other a couple times in the mailroom, but she definitely didn’t know him well enough to go up and ask what his issue was or try to fix it for him. And after it was confirmed that he hadn’t, in fact, lost his keys, as they sat beside him on the floor along with his phone, she figured it best to leave him be. 

Turning her key, she pulled her gaze from him and disappeared from the hallway.

The second she was inside her apartment, she felt all the weight lift right off her shoulders, especially when her cat came racing up, screaming at her from the floor while also coaxing her toward the kitchen to fill the food bowl. Whatever was going on with her neighbor still very much on her mind, she tried to focus instead on relaxing and getting both her and the screaming Pretzel some dinner. 

She tried to remember his name as she heated up leftover pasta. She knew it started with an A, but her brain was coming up short. So, while Pretzel crunched on his food in his corner of the kitchen, she tried her hardest to remember. 

And it was no question why she cared so much. Her neighbor was someone she was actually interested in, and she had been since she first saw him. Of course, she was never foolish enough to think he was into her, but she still let herself fantasize. He was tall, nearly black curly hair atop his head always in a state of disarray, and he had the most beautiful blue eyes she’d ever seen hidden behind his glasses. And, if she was being honest with herself, he was just a darker-haired version of Harry. Maybe that’s why she liked him.

The beeping of her microwave tore her thoughts from the dangerous path they’d been headed down. Harry’s voice rang in her head a moment later.

Like I’d lower my standards for you.

She’d needed to hear him say that, because sometimes her thoughts got carried away when it came to Harry and sometimes she did let herself be a fool who hoped. But after he’d said that one damning phrase, it was enough for her to stop. She didn’t meet a single one of his standards, inside or out. 

Still, she tried her hardest not to go back out into the hall and make sure her neighbor was alright. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to and it wasn’t like she was doing anything important. Even if she didn’t have a dumb crush on him, as she did Harry, she still didn’t enjoy seeing him in the state he’d been in.

Before she could work up the nerve, however, a knock sounded through her quiet apartment.

She held her breath as she opened her door, really hoping it wasn’t the boy from across the hall, since she was still blanking on his name, but she couldn’t imagine anyone else knocking on her door this late into the evening. 

So when she inevitably found him there, looking down at her through his annoyingly long lashes as she took in the horrible state he was in—red, inflamed eyes and hair that needed to see a brush rather than his hand—she completely lost her breath instead.

“Uh, sorry, I… saw you come in and I know we don’t talk and this is a weird thing for me to ask but…” He ran said hand through said messy hair and she found her breath again while looking up at him like she’d do whatever he’d asked just so he’d stop frowning.

He sighed, glancing down the hall toward his apartment and then met her curious and somewhat concerned gaze. “Can I come in?”

She recoiled. “Um… why?”

“Well, um, I was hoping you could help me with something and I’d rather not have the entire floor know about it.”

She was beyond confused now, but still, she stepped aside and let him pass, assuming that if he was actually a murderer he would have done her in a lot sooner than this. He had plenty of other opportunities. Plus, something in his face just… made her want to trust him.

She closed the door and turned to him, watching as his eyes scanned her kitchen and where her food still sat before he twisted around, eyes wide. “Shit, I’m sorry for interrupting.”

She shook her head. “It’s fine.” And after clearing her throat, she crossed her arms over her chest. “What do you, um… what do you need help with?”

He swallowed and she watched his Adam’s apple budge in his throat. “I don’t imagine you’ll like me very much after I ask but… I need a date.”

“What?” Again, she nearly flew out of her skin.

His eyes darted back and forth between hers, gauging her reactions and very obviously on the verge of seeing himself out and pretending this never happened. Instead, he stuffed away his pride and went on. “My ex… she, uh… well we broke up a few months ago and I saw her the other day and she’s seeing someone and we were talking and I… told her I was seeing someone too and so she invited me to go on this stupid double date with her… but the thing is… I’m not actually seeing anyone and I just told her that so she’d be jealous but she didn’t seem jealous at all and I don’t exactly have many friends to ask for help and I saw you and…” He rambled, but she managed to understand his predicament just fine. 

“A double date? With your ex?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know either. She’s… she does weird shit but… I still want her back.”

Y/N’s heart ached in her chest. As much as she detested relationships, she was a sucker for other people’s relationships and she was definitely a sucker for her beautiful neighbor, even if he was asking to use her to make his ex-girlfriend jealous.

“Not that I’m saying yes but… when? And where?” She finally asked after thinking things over for a moment.

“Tomorrow night… I can pay you. I will pay you, I mean… but, seriously, you don’t have to do it I just thought I would ask.”

“Where is this date at?” She repeated when he didn’t answer that part of her question.

“At this party… and bef—“

She cut him off. “Okay so let me get this right. You want to hire me as your date to a Valentine’s Day party?”

He lifted a brow, “Well, there’s more… she wants to get dinner before going to the party.”

She shook her head, looking away, “I don’t really do Valentine’s Day…”

“You wouldn’t have to do much. I’ll pay for your dinner, too. Whatever you want. I just… really need your help and you’re my only option.”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You realize I’m not exactly…” she waved at her face and his eyebrows screwed together in confusion. “I’m not easy on the eyes and I don’t think taking me will make anyone jealous.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, just stared at her incredulously. She shifted her weight nervously and he finally opened his mouth. “You don’t actually think that, do you?”

Her features scrunched up and she kept her eyes planted on the middle of his chest. And then he realized that she, in fact, did.

“I’m so sorry… I shouldn’t have asked you to do this.” He also realized that using her to make his ex jealous would possibly hurt her more than it would help him and he could no longer fathom putting her through that. “I’ll figure it out. I’m sorry.” He moved to walk past her, back to his apartment but she stopped him before he got far.

“No… I’ll help you.” And then she realized his identity was still somewhat of a mystery to her. “This sounds even worse than what you just asked me to do, but… I completely forgot your name.”

He breathed out a laugh. “It’s Adam.”

She knew it had started with an A!

“Y/N.” 

He smiled wider and nodded. “I know.” And then his face grew sad again. “I am really sorry I’m asking you to do this on Valentine’s Day, it’s definitely not my proudest moment.”

She waved him off. “I wasn’t going to do anything anyway. Just tell me what you need me to do.” She didn’t bother brining up the whole payment thing. She didn’t really care about being paid. He was nice, the only nice person she’d encountered in her apartment building and if getting him back together with his ex meant she’d never have to come home and see him in the fetal position on the floor again, she’d suffer through a date and a party on her least favorite holiday.

It was somehow even worse than it’d been yesterday. The decorations seemed to triple in size. Not an inch of the office was untouched by something pink and she prayed whoever had put up even more decorations had spared her little cubicle.

“Oh, hey, Y/N!” One of the receptionists most responsible for the overflowing decor, Kayla, called her over to her desk not even a minute after Y/N had arrived. And she stalked over until she saw the package Kayla pulled out that instantly lifted her spirits.

She stopped in front of Kayla’s desk and took the thin box from from her, already knowing what it was and thanking god for the timing so that her entire day wasn’t completely miserable. It was a new drawing pad she’d ordered, a bigger one that she hoped would be a bit more efficient to use than her current one.

Even with her back turned to the rest of the office, she sensed Harry’s presence long before he stopped beside her with his mug in hand.

He lifted a brow at the package in Y/N’s hands just as she reluctantly turned to look at him. “Getting gifts sent to the office? That’s a first.”

She rolled her eyes and stuffed the box under her arm, holding herself back from running off to her office to set it up. “Jealous?” She cocked her head.

And instead of his condescending smirk and a hateful response to go with it, the sparkle in his eyes seemed to fade as he eyed the box again, genuinely worried now that it was actually a gift from someone. 

Before either could say anything, they all turned to find a delivery man walking up to Kayla with a giant bouquet of flowers in tow. And so it began. Although, when Kayla took the vase from the man eagerly, a bright smile on her face because Kayla loved love a little too much, Y/N couldn’t help but think about Adam. About how the only time she’d managed to get a date on Valentine’s Day was when it wasn’t even real. Instead, she’d stupidly agreed to help her cute neighbor win back his ex-girlfriend in exchange for a free dinner.

It was… pathetic. To say the least.

She felt Harry watching her, too, while she eyed the bouquet of flowers as they departed reception with Kayla and made their way to their recipient. As stupid as she found everything about the holiday, she couldn’t help but want someone to send her flowers. To give her anything for that matter. To have thought about her for at least a second of their day. Harry cleared his throat and she tore her eyes away.

“So… what’s in the box?”

“None of your business.” She rounded him, heading to her office, but he grabbed her free arm to stop her short and didn’t speak until she met his gaze again.

“Can we meet up in my office to finish the proposal? Think it’ll be easier to get it done than over email.”

She had every reason to be suspicious of him. They almost never worked in each other’s offices. When they did work together, which was often, it was in one of the empty conference rooms and it was usually at the beginning of the process when they needed the space to plan things out. The last time they’d really been in each other’s offices was last spring. Figuring he just wanted to get things done so he could be out of the office on time, she let it go.

“Give me fifteen minutes.”

He watched her walk away, watched her even as Kayla returned and noticed his gaze and giggled at him as she took her spot back behind her desk.

“It was something she ordered for herself, by the way.”

“What?” Harry whipped around again, not having even realized the other woman until now.

“I know you two pretend to hate each other but I see the way you look at her, Harry.” Kayla lifted a brow at him as she began typing on her keyboard.

He feigned disgust. “I’m seeing someone, you know.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.” He insisted. “I have a date. Tonight.”

She lifted her hands in surrender. “Okay… I’m just saying.”

“I don’t look at her.”

Kayla suppressed a smile and snorted instead. “If you say so. I guess you didn’t also sneak into her office this morning, either.”

“I think all these flowers and stuffed bears and heart-shaped things have gotten to your head.” He pointed around to the decor littering her desk while holding his mug steady.

Kayla met his eyes and her smile slipped off her face. “Harry, please don’t mess with her.”

His face screwed up. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If you don’t like her then don’t lead her on.”

“I don’t think she’s capable of being led on.”

Kayla froze for a moment and then nodded. “You’re right.”

He wasn’t sure what she meant by that either. “Why are you being weird?”

“Because,” Kayla sighed, brushing her curled brunette hair onto one shoulder and then lowered the volume of her voice. “I happen to know she doesn’t think very highly of herself and I’d rather not see her get hurt, especially not by you.”

Now Harry froze. The hand that gripped his mug tightened and he didn’t even flinch as it began to burn his skin. He heard Y/N’s voice in his head then as he drowned out his surroundings.

Some of us don’t have the luxury of choosing whomever we want.

He had instantly regretted what he’d said to her yesterday when she’d told him that. And now hearing Kayla, in a way, confirm what he’d read between the lines of Y/N’s words… his chest tightened in quite possibly the worst way ever. He’d hated himself most of the day after telling her he’d never lower his standards for her and he could say he was just bickering all he wanted, but he knew now for certain she took it the wrong way. And he wished more than ever that he hadn’t said something so horrible to her, especially when it was the farthest thing from the truth. 

And the real truth, that he was trying desperately to shove away with stupid remarks like that, was that he didn’t meet her standards. She wasn’t into relationships and he knew he wasn’t good enough to change her mind.

“How do you know that?” He finally asked.

“That Christmas party last year… she’s a really happy drunk until she’s not.”

He flinched. “Did she say something?”

“I don’t want to get into it, mostly because I don’t think she remembers and would probably kill me if I told you but… just leave her be.”

He hardened back up again. “She does’t have any interest in relationships anyway, ‘specially not with me.”

Kayla scoffed. “She’s a really good liar.”

Harry stood there for a few more moments, feeling as if his life had just gotten flipped upside down. He’d been in such a good mood mere minutes ago before his dumbass waltzed into reception all because he’d seen Y/N. Because, despite everything and despite the fact he was already attempting to date someone else, it was Y/N he wanted to be close to all the damn time. Groaning, he turned on his heel and left for his office, hoping she wasn’t there waiting for him so he could have a moment to himself to gather his thoughts.

In a hurry to open her package, Y/N slumped down into her chair tossing her purse on the ground at her feet and pulling out her box cutter in a rush of movements. She was so distracted, in fact, that she didn’t even notice the little stuffed frog, the box of chocolates and envelope sitting on the other side of her desk near her mouse. Instead, she unboxed her new tablet and began setting it up, not noticing the gifts until she went to turn on her computer. And then she froze.

With reluctant hands she grabbed the envelope first, her name printed on it in perfect cursive. She knew nobody in the office who had such good penmanship. Opening the card in hopes of finding out who had placed the items on her desk, instead, she just found it signed as ‘secret admirer.’ Rolling her eyes, she set the card down and realized it had to be from her boss. Sometimes he remembered to go around and give everyone little gifts on the holidays. Obviously he’d remembered this year. 

She dug into the chocolates as she set up her tablet and began calibrating it to suit her needs before finally testing it out in the little bit of time she had before she needed to make her way to Harry’s office. 

And once that time came, she left everything in its place, besides the box of chocolates, which she continued to pick at while she made her way through the room. What she didn’t notice while stuffing her face with candy was that… no one else had a stuffed frog or chocolates or a cheesy little card on their desks.

She rounded the corner into Harry’s office, which was a real office and not a cubicle that he usually shared with one other person who was thankfully out with clients for the day. She knocked on the doorframe to get his attention after just watching him focus on his screen for a moment. Harry was cute when he was focused.

But then he turned to her and his eyes fell to the box in her hand.

When he didn’t say anything, she held it out toward him. “Do you want some? I think Andrew was feeling generous this year.”

Harry’s eyes quickly panned up to hers and his brows furrowed as if she’d just punched him in the gut. And she couldn’t make out what that expression meant no matter how hard she tried. 

“He didn’t give me anything.” Harry motioned around his desk.

“Maybe he doesn’t like you.” She shrugged, setting the chocolates down on his desk while she grabbed his office mate’s chair and pulled it up beside him.

Harry sighed, turning to his computer for a moment and then watching her from his peripheral while she picked out another piece of chocolate. “I didn’t see anyone else with chocolates on their desks this morning.”

Y/N just shrugged. “There was a frog too. And a card.”

“And why do you think he’d give you all of that and no one else?” Harry hoped she’d get the hint but he didn’t hope too hard. She was still Y/N after all. And he really didn’t mean to sound so bitter… well, okay, he did. But he knew she’d misplace his bitterness, crushing what little hope there was to bits.

“Maybe he likes me better than all the rest of you.”

Harry scoffed, shaking his head as he put his attention back on his screen. 

“No one else in this office would give me a card signed as a secret admirer so… maybe I did something I don’t remember doing and he’s thanking me?” Now that she really thought about it, and if Harry was right… then it really didn’t make  much sense. It’s not like she was Andrew’s favorite employee.

Harry just lifted a brow and then pretended to lose all interest. 

Sensing the tension, she slipped the box closer to him. “Here. I think you need a knock-off Snickers if you expect me to work with your grumpy ass.” He made no move to indulge her, however. And so she went on, continuing to poke the bear. “Why are you in a lousy mood anyway? Isn’t this your favorite holiday? And you get to leave early.”

His eyes fell from his screen and he stared at the brick of sticky notes below his monitor before mumbling, “I’m sorry about what I said yesterday.”

Taken aback, she searched what she could see of his face for answers to what he was apologizing for. He’d said a few things she could imagine deserved an apology and yet, so did she. Maybe she should have been the one to apologize to him first.

“I didn’t mean to say what I did.” He finally turned to meet her face on. He’d hoped the frog and the chocolates would have been atonement enough, but considering she thought they were from their boss and not him, he just had to suck it up and actually say what he meant.

She shrugged. “It’s fine. I can be a prude sometimes.”

He searched her eyes for a moment and then shook his head, “No that’s not… I meant what I said earlier in your office… about lowering my standards. It was a stupid thing to say and not true in the slightest.”

But then she smiled and he grew confused. “Yes it is. It’s okay to have standards, you know.”

“I know that. But if we… I wouldn’t have to lower my standards. And it was cruel of me to have said that to you.”

She couldn’t stand looking at him any longer and averted her gaze, clearing her throat. “Well it doesn’t matter so… can we just get this proposal done?”

He’d wanted to spend how ever long it took to convince her that it did, in fact, matter, but Y/N was persistent, more so than him, and so he’d given in and they moved on to being productive with their time. And in less time than he’d anticipated their proposal was finished, being sent off to Andrew for approval before their presentation at the end of the week with their clients.

Harry sat back in his chair and she returned her own to the other desk where it belonged, all while he watched her. 

“What do you do on Valentine’s Day?” He asked, just trying to get her to stay longer, knowing that if those were his true intentions, then he was fucked. That he wanted to be around Y/N, even though he was seeing someone else, albeit for just a week so far, even though she’d never want the same from him. 

Maybe he was just as terrible with relationships as she claimed if he always chased after what he couldn’t have.

“That is also none of your business.” She grabbed her box of chocolates from his desk, his voice pinning her in place again though.

“Let me guess… it involves chocolate, your cat, and the most anti-romantic movies you can find?”

He would not think her very prudish if he knew what else she did on Valentine’s Day while alone in her apartment, but she figured it was best to keep that to herself. Instead, she smiled at him. “Something like that.”

He narrowed his eyes and threw his arms up behind his head as he laid back in his chair, watching her curiously like he was trying to figure her out. Meanwhile, she was trying to not make it obvious she was staring at his biceps as they just about bulged from underneath the sleeve of his pink button-up. He’d done it on purpose though, so as much as she tried to hide it, he still grinned with satisfaction when she became flustered.

“Well, have fun with that, then.” He nodded, and for a moment while she was lost in his eyes and growing embarrassingly hot, she wondered if he could read her mind. If he knew exactly what not-so-innocent things she did on Valentine’s Day. Then he brought his arms back down to rest his elbows on the edge of his desk, pinching his bottom lip between his fingers and watching as she rolled her eyes, held her chocolates close, and left his office. 

Adam arrived right when he said he would at five-thirty. It had given her plenty of time to change out of her work clothes and into one of the few dresses she owned, to at least seem somewhat convincing that this was a real date. She also fixed her makeup and put on a pinkish-nude lipstick before switching out her bulky purse for a smaller crossbody. 

When she opened the door to him, he most certainly did not disappoint. She almost let herself get lost in the delusion that it was a real date when she saw him dressed to the nines and cleaned up for the first time since she’d known him. And she especially got a little lost in it when he pulled a small bouquet of flowers from behind his back and handed them to her. 

“You didn’t have to—“

“I know.” He gave her a once over when she wasn’t looking. “You didn’t have to do this for me either.”

She quietly accepted the flowers and let him in while she found a vase and filled it with water. He leaned on the counter, watching her as she did so.

“You look… beautiful, by the way.” He blurted out once she had cut and placed the stems into the vase. Her hands froze, though, and when he met her eyes, he knew he’d made a mistake.

“You’re paying me to make your ex-girlfriend jealous. Please don’t flatter me.”

“Sorry.” He muttered, although he was beginning to wonder if the bigger mistake was not taking her out on a proper date that had nothing to do with his ex. 

She sighed and adjusted the strap of her purse. “Let’s go then.”

He went over all the final details on the Uber ride to the restaurant. Things about his ex he thought Y/N should know about. And he made sure she knew, for about the hundredth time, that she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to. And she reminded him for an equal amount of times that she never did anything she didn’t want to do. So, settling that, he helped her out of the back of the Uber when they arrived and opened the door to the restraint for her as well. Everything that she’d expect from a normal date, which only left her disappointed when she reminded herself it wasn’t.

She waited quietly, and tried to catch her nerves, while Adam talked to the hostess and gave her his ex’s name for the reservation. The place was packed and anyone who didn’t call ahead surely would not be getting a table tonight. She’d never been out on Valentine’s Day, though, so it was like stepping into a brand new world for her. And as she followed both the hostess and Adam, she paid more attention to all the couples enjoying their meals than anything else.

Except for when he reached back and grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers just before they came to a stop. She blinked her eyes at their hands for just a moment before he gently pulled her around next to him. And whatever way she’d felt about holding Adam’s hand went right out the window when she locked eyes with Harry.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

The last thing she expected to find, while Laura, the gorgeous blonde ex-girlfriend, stood to hug Adam, was Harry fucking Styles. And what a fucking coincidence it was, almost as if this was her karma for feeling the need to constantly help people. 

Adam’s hand slipped from hers but she didn’t even notice it anyway. She and Harry still stared each other down and neither of them moved a muscle either. Well, besides the one in his jaw as it tightened. Then he did move, glancing over at Adam with a blank expression before landing his gaze back on her again. And then his eyes fell to the glass of water in front of him and she felt like she’d been released from chains he’d tied around her wrists.

“This is Y/N,” Adam’s hand went to the small of her back, guiding her forward to meet his ex-girlfriend and Harry’s current… whatever they were. 

Laura held out her hand, her smile a little too forced. “Laura. It’s nice to meet you. Please, sit.” She ushered them to the table as she took her spot beside Harry again. Adam, of course, took the chair opposite Laura, which left Y/N in the one opposite Harry. 

This would be a long, hellish night.

She couldn’t help but wonder what Harry was thinking. That maybe she’d come to crash his date. Or, even worse, that he’d already figured the whole thing out. That Adam was paying her to be here. She really hoped he’d never find out because it was just embarrassing enough to make her want to change her name and move across the country, thousands of miles away from him. Harry finding out that she couldn’t get a real date to save her life… beyond humiliating.

“This is Harry.” Laura motioned to him and he just barely lifted his gaze, nodding at Adam and ignoring Y/N entirely. “You know,” the blonde went on, glancing between Adam and Y/N, “I was a little shocked when you told me you were seeing someone again.”

Adam just shrugged.

“How did you guys meet?” 

Y/N left all the talking to him. Mostly because she was still in shock that she was sitting across from Harry. And she hadn’t even taken the time to properly take him in and realized he’d also changed his clothes since work. Swapping his wardrobe out for a fitted black button-up, that wasn’t buttoned all the way to the top as his shirts normally were. The sleeves were already rolled to his elbows. He’d shaved off the scruff along his jaw as well and fixed his hair so that it was combed back out of his face, although a a couple rebellious strands hung down onto his forehead. He looked… like absolute perfection. And he was being forced to be on a date with the ex-boyfriend of the girl he was seeing and his annoying co-worker. She felt terrible for him.

“Oh, uh, well we live on the same floor.”

Laura nodded, clearly anticipating more. “Is that it?”

Y/N felt Adam tense up beside her and so she took over, easily spinning a lie. “I ran out of milk one night a few weeks ago. He’s the only one who answered the door.”

She noticed a flash of movement in her peripheral and turned to find Harry’s gaze on her again, one eyebrow lifted curiously. He was either wondering how she hid it so well, or trying to figure out what to ask in order to reveal their ploy. He never said anything, though.

“Sorry, um,” Laura’s tone changed as she glanced between Harry and Y/N, both of them looking away when the other girl interrupted. “Do you two know each other?”

Harry grinned, sitting back against his seat and folding his hands in his lap. “Something like that.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “We work together.”

“Really?” Although her tone said otherwise, Laura’s face said everything about how she felt upon hearing that bit of information. 

Adam twisted his worrisome gaze to Y/N, but she ignored it. Harry, however, did not.

“Don’t worry, mate. I was under the impression she was celibate up until now.” With that, Y/N kicked him under the table and he sat forward to swallow the groan that very nearly left his lips after she’d jabbed him in the shin with the toe of her heels. “Guess she’s really good at hiding things, though.”

Adam just chuckled nervously and Y/N shot him an apologetic smile, trying to reassure him that this date would still work out despite Harry. 

“What a small world.” Laura laughed, trying to break the tension but dinner hadn’t even started yet. 

Sometime during the main course, Laura excused herself to the bathroom and Y/N almost, in a desperate attempt to flee both Adam and Harry, invited herself along. But she figured it’d be worse to be alone with Laura than with them. Laura might ask questions she wasn’t prepared for. So, she stayed put, as much as it pained her to do so.

“So, Adam, what do you do for a living?” Harry asked suddenly and she wanted to kick him again. Mostly because his tone was that of a jealous teenager and he’d waited until Laura was gone to pester her ex-boyfriend who most certainly did not deserve Harry’s pestering.

“Oh, uh, I’m an artist. I work for an animation studio at the moment but I’m trying to get into freelance.”

Harry’s eyes shot to the suspiciously quiet girl sitting across from him. “So is Y/N.”

Adam turned to look at her, but she just glared at Harry. “Oh, I didn’t know that.”

Harry titled his head as he narrowed his attention in on Adam again. “So you’ve known her for a few weeks and you never asked what she did?”

“Harry.” Y/N warned, trying to kick him under the table again but he dodged out of the way.

“Well… she said she was in graphic design… not art.” She had told him that, during their crash course yesterday while they got to know as much as they could about each other in a span of a couple hours.

“I think it’s the same thing.”

Adam just shrugged. “I guess. I don’t think I could be a designer, though. Most artists make what they think looks good, designers create things to appeal to customers.”

“Just ignore him.” Y/N advised and Harry was the one shooting her daggers and attempting to stomp his foot on top of hers under the table this time.

“You and Laura used to date then? She never told me how you split up.” Harry moved on.

Adam swallowed nervously. “She broke up with me.”

“Why?” Harry pushed and Y/N looked at him like she wanted to kill him, which he ignored.

“I, uh… I had a drug problem for a while. I was not the best person to be around sometimes. But after we broke up, she helped me with rehab and everything.”

“Guess that explains why you’re on such good terms.”

Now Y/N really wanted to do more than just kick him. 

Adam grabbed Y/N’s hand under the table and pulled her straight from her violent thoughts about Harry. And he didn’t lace his fingers between hers, instead, it felt as if he had just been looking for something to ground himself with. And her hand resting on her lap was the closest thing he could find. It didn’t, however, go unnoticed by Harry and his jaw clenched as he stared at the point in the table where, just below, there their hands met almost as if he was trying to set everything on fire.

Laura returned shortly after that. 

As promised, Adam paid the entirety of both his and Y/N’s bill, even though she attempted to snag it from him, seeing as the date had gone to shit and it was all her fault. Well… maybe it was also Harry’s fault a little bit too. But she definitely did nothing to make Laura jealous. Adam, on the other hand, did a great job at making Harry jealous just by existing and being Laura’s ex, whom she was still friends with. 

The four of them stood outside on the curb awaiting their Uber after dinner was over, agreeing upon splitting one car to get to the party instead of taking two. Laura was apparently very cautious about fossil fuel consumption.

Y/N shivered as she stood between Adam and Laura, wishing she’d bright a jacket instead of relying on a long-sleeve dress to keep her warm. Then an arm wrapped around her shoulders and Adam pulled her close, running his hand up and down her arm to form heat. She tensed up, though, forming into an immovable brick. She had no idea the last time she’d been that close to another person, let alone a member of the opposite sex. When he felt her go rigid, he leaned down until his lips were at her ear. “Is this okay?”

She just nodded and tried to relax. Which turned out to be quite easy because Adam was warm and he smelled nice. She, of course, didn’t let her mind wander off too far. He was still in love with his ex. He’d still shove cash into her hand at the end of the night for her troubles and go on with his life.

Adam let go of her when the car pulled up and quickly went to the passenger door to confirm with the driver. Then he opened the back door for the three of them to climb in, Laura going first, then Harry, and, at last, Y/N, while Adam slipped into the front seat beside the driver.

While the car took off, Y/N was shoved into the corner when Harry moved closer to her in order to find both his and Laura’s seat buckles in the dark. Eventually, he settled back into the middle and gave her some space again. When she made no move to do the same as them, Harry turned to look down at her. 

“Put your seatbelt on.” He whispered.

Her eyes whirled up to his. Wordlessly, and of course after rolling her eyes, she grabbed her seatbelt and he made room for her to buckle it in. Then she sat back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest while she stared out at the traffic through her window.

She would have stayed in that exact position the entire trip, too, if Harry’s knee didn’t insist on bumping into hers constantly. And she couldn’t tell if he was doing it on purpose or not.

When she glanced up at him, and found the corner of his lips curl upward, she figured it was, in fact, purposeful. So, with the hand closest to him as her arms were still crossed, she poked him in the side, right against his ribs, hoping it hurt.

“Ouch.” He whined, covering the spot with his hand dramatically. Everyone in the car glanced at Harry, all except for Y/N who snickered as she returned to staring out the window.

Harry wasn’t giving up, though. This time, with his arms crossed in his lap, and glancing at Laura to be sure she wasn’t watching, he walked his pointer and middle finger up the outside of Y/N’s thigh, close enough to her hip to make her squirm slightly when his touch tickled her. And as soon as he got her attention, he looked down at what he was doing and pressed his middle finger against her, meeting her gaze with a smirk.

In the same moment, the driver turned up the music in the car as they waited tirelessly at a red light. It was better than silence or listening to his passengers breathing. But Harry mentally thanked him and turned his attention back to Y/N, leaning into her slightly until his lips were at her ear and she shivered for an all new reason.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress before.” He whispered for her ears only. The music was especially loud in the back and he wasn’t sure Y/N had even heard him.

Especially since she didn’t respond right away. But how could she? Harry’s fingertips were still grazing her thigh, as if trying to emphasize the dress she had on. And his stupid knee was pressed right up against hers. She couldn’t think straight.

Though when she finally turned to him and whispered back, “Don’t get used to it,” he knew she had, in fact, heard him well enough. 

He leaned again, “Afraid I already am.” 

She hated that there were butterflies in her stomach. That he was saying such odd things to her when his date was sitting just on the other side of him. The date who most definitely met all Harry’s standards.

Huddling away from him, she stuck her eyes out the window and kept them there the rest of the trip.

It was just past eight when they arrived, a fifteen-minute trip up through the city taking half an hour due to all the Valentine’s Day traffic. Another reason she hated this holiday.

The party was being held by Laura’s best friend, who’s name Y/N did not care to commit to memory. In the elevator ride up to the penthouse, though, Harry stood close to Laura, his arm wrapped around her waist and Adam to Y/N, although he didn’t touch her. She wouldn’t have minded if he did, but she figured it was best to keep those boundaries in place anyway.

Pink and golden balloons littered the ceilings of the penthouse. The drink cups were also pink, as was the communal punch bowl that Y/N steered clear of, having no idea what was in it, or who had already spiked it. She knew nobody at the party besides who she’d come with, though she assumed both Adam and Harry were somewhat acquainted with Laura’s friends. 

It was most definitely not someplace Y/N ever saw herself being at, not only because it was a Valentine’s themed party, but also because she wasn’t exactly comfortable around so many people. Especially when those people were all so unfamiliar to her.

“Here,” Adam handed her a drink and then grabbed one for himself. She downed the thing in one go, needing to take the edge off. It might’ve been a slight mistake when the alcohol burned the back of her throat, but she didn’t care too much when she grabbed another.

Then he was leading her into the dancing pit of bodies where they huddled close enough so that his lips were at her ear. “Is it alright if I touch you?”

She glanced over at where Laura and Harry had been left, finding both her hazel eyes and Harry’s green ones glued to the both of them. She wasn’t sure what Harry’s deal was, but this was her moment to fix things and make Laura jealous, so, turning back to Adam, she nodded.

He eased his hands onto her waist as they began swaying to the music. And then he pulled her closer, his hands slipping to the small of her back as her arms wrapped around his neck, being careful with her own movements even though she desperately wanted to sink her hands in his hair.

And, god, he smelled so good as her head rested in the crook of his neck. And he felt good, too, as he moved against her body. She knew it wasn’t real, and that the alcohol was making skewing her perception of things, but it was still nice. Nice to be held and to just let go for a change.

Over Adam’s shoulder, Y/N caught Harry’s eyes again. His jaw clenched and he looked the same as he did back at the restaurant. Angry. And then she realized that maybe she wasn’t really trying to make Laura jealous anymore at all, but rather Harry.

It was dumb, she knew that. He’d have to like her in order for her to make him jealous. But… the way he was looking at her. The way he had looked at her. His eyes lingering too long on her lips. What he’d done in the car ride here. 

She heard Adam in her ear again. “I think it’s working. She just stormed off into the kitchen.” Then he pulled away and she realized she hadn’t even seen Laura. Just Harry. Harry and his stupid, obnoxious green eyes.

“You owe me more than just dinner.” Y/N teased but Adam grew serious.

“I know. And since you refuse to accept my money, I’ll have to figure out another way to repay you.” He smiled and then twirled her around so that she no longer had any line of sight toward Harry. He pulled her close again, one hand going to her waist while the other stayed locked to one of hers. “Suppose I could start with making your coworker just as jealous… although I think he already is.”

Confusion flooded her features as she peered up at him. 

“Oh, come on! He was ready to rip my head off when he realized I’d grabbed your hand. And when I put my arm around you? I thought I might be better off just giving you my jacket and freezing to death instead.”

“I don’t…” she shook her head in disbelief. It was one thing for her to be pretending to make Harry jealous in some delusional hope that it’d work. But this… this was a whole other thing.

“I’m actually quite interested to see what he does if I kissed you.”

She was shocked at first and then, possibly due to the alcohol, just as interested. “Are you asking my permission?”

“Are you saying yes?”

Y/N hesitated. “Is she back?”

Adam’s eyes scanned the room and Y/N realized he hadn’t asked to kiss her for Laura’s sake at all.

“She is.” He finally announced. 

Without any more second guessing, Y/N’s hand slipped to the back of his neck and pulled him in. As soon as their lips collided and she tasted the alcohol on him, she knew that she’d never agreed to this without it. Or maybe she would. Adam spun them back around again, deepening the kiss as her eyes opened and fell into the direction she’d last seen Harry.

He was still there.

Still watching.

His hands in fists. His jaw tightened into a crisp line. His nostrils flared. His eyes… sad.

She pulled away. Adam steadied her, grabbing her shoulders when she swayed. But, as she caught her breath, the dizziness went away. 

“I’m going to find the bathroom.” She told him and after he nodded, she left, forming a rift for herself through the bodies that danced all around them until she was in the clear. Then she was avoiding Harry as she walked past him, not so sure his gaze was still set on her. Maybe she’d gone too far. She didn’t often just kiss people for no good reason and that’s exactly what she’d just done with Adam. She barely even knew him.

She didn’t exactly need the bathroom, just an open, empty and quiet place. And so, she fell back against a wall in the foyer and ran a hand through her hair.

“That was quite the show.”

She startled at the sound of his familiar voice and looked up just as he stopped a few feet away from her. “What are you talking about?”

He lifted a brow. “You expect me to believe that that you, anti everything to do with this holiday and with relationships and romance, are actually dating that guy?”

“Is it that hard to believe?” She crossed her arms, willing to go as far as she needed to before she let Harry see the truth. That she was that pathetic. 

“Yes.” He didn’t even hesitate to respond and she flinched.

“Well, I’m sorry that you have a hard time believing that someone may actually like me.” She had no reason to nearly be shouting at him and no reason to be saying what she was because Adam didn’t like her.

“That’s not what I said. It’s hard for me to believe you just dropped all your ideas about relationships for some guy with obnoxious blue eyes.”

“I didn’t.”

“So then what is this?”

Y/N hesitated. Hating that the truth was about to boil over out of her mouth for him to see all the embarrassing bits of it, but she had no other way of convincing him. And it didn’t really help that Adam was so far out of her league that it wasn’t even convincing to begin with. Nor did she want to convince Harry of anything either. It was clear now that he hadn’t been jealous, he was just trying to figure out when she stopped hating relationships so much.

And the truth of that was she never really hated them. It was just easier telling herself she didn’t want it than admitting no one ever actually wanted her.

She trembled, not even sure why, but he was making her incredibly nervous, so much that she wished she could rewind and stay squished next to him in the back of the car forever. Being that close to him... his stupid fingers on her thigh, whispering things in her ear that made her head spin. She’d much prefer that than standing in front of him now, seeing every ounce of judgment he was about to throw her way.

“What do you want me to say, Harry?” She shrugged and dropped her eyes to the white marble floors between them, focusing on calming her anxiety while she was no longer looking at him. “He needed a date and I felt bad for him.”

“What does that mean?”

Letting her head fall back against the wall, she stared up at the ceiling this time as her eyes burned with embarrassment. “He paid me to be his date so his ex-girlfriend didn’t find out he wasn’t actually seeing anyone. That’s what it means.”

Harry didn’t say anything.

“So, yeah.” She folded her arms, looking down at the floor again, still unable to meet Harry’s eyes and see the look that would be on his face. A smirk of amusement at her expense. Even probably his dimples, taunting her and turning her into the joke she already was. “You were right. I can’t find anyone to tolerate me, which is why I’m on this stupid date that isn’t even real.”

“Him kissing you seemed quite real to me.”

There was more exasperation than humor to her laugh. “It wasn’t.”

Harry seemed to finally understand. “He’s trying to make Laura jealous.”

Y/N just nodded. “I promise I didn’t know you were going to be there, that he was trying to get her back from you.”

“You still kissed him though.”

She couldn’t argue that, nor could she tell him the real reason she’d agreed to the kiss. That it wasn’t exactly Laura she was trying to make jealous. She’d never live that one down, if she ever managed to live any other aspect of this night down.

When she didn’t say anything, he stepped closer. “Why did you kiss him?”

“I’m sorry, Harry I just... I don’t know.”

He shook his head and took another step, making her eyes widen when he was close enough that she had to crane her head back to meet his gaze. “Seemed like you were trying to make me jealous.”

She swallowed, not exactly in the position to laugh it off and argue with him when he was this close and all she could feel were the traces of his fingertips on her thigh. Her voice was quiet when it finally came out. “Making you jealous would mean I assumed you liked me in the first place... which I’m definitely not stupid enough to assume.”

A crease formed between his brow and his stupidly perfect jaw hardened as if he was biting his tongue from saying something. And fuck him for choosing then to finally stop opening his mouth.

Just then, a pair of drunk guys, one on the other’s back, came racing through the foyer, screaming at the top of their lungs while a few others followed quickly after them. It was enough to force Harry away from Y/N again, enough for the both of them to step out of the little bubble they’d been in together the past ten minutes.

Once they were alone again, their eyes gravitated toward each other and just when she thought Harry might say something after all, he flipped around on his heel and left. And she watched as he turned the corner and mixed back into the party.

After a few moments to gather herself, she followed him, not exactly sure what she was going to do now that Harry wouldn’t talk to her and it felt weird being with Adam while Harry knew everything. But, whatever plans to keep herself occupied no longer matted when she spotted Laura.

Making out with Adam in the middle of the room. 

Without even thinking, she turned to locate Harry and he might as well have been a source of gravity because her eyes fell right to him within a second. And he was watching them too. He knew. 

He met Y/N’s eyes and she wasn’t quite sure if he was upset or not. She couldn’t really read anything on his face, and stopped attempting to when he moved towards her and she had other things on her mind, like where he was going and if he was going to bother taking her with him.

Shortly after he stormed past Y/N she made sure he wasn’t going to leave her behind and chased after him. She didn’t know Adam very well and definitely not Laura to want to stay with them. And everyone else in the room were complete strangers to her. Adam had promised he’d take her home, but he probably hadn’t expected to be making out with his ex by the end of the night, either.

Harry didn’t say anything, not even when they’d reached the foyer and Y/N asked where he was going. He just located his jacket and slipped it on before making his way out the front door.

And right when she thought he really was going to leave her behind, since she was the reason he’d just lost Laura to her ex, he held the door open and glanced over his shoulder at her while she still stood on the other side of the threshold.

“Are you staying?”

Without a word, she sprung into motion and trailed right behind him into the hallway like a lost puppy, letting the door shut behind her that cut them off from the music as it faded into the background behind them.

It was a silent trip down the elevator, mostly because she had no idea what to say that would sound sincere and he didn’t say anything at all. At least not until she followed him through the lobby until he stopped on the curb just outside the main doors.

She took up the spot next to him, eyes glued to the side of his face as he took in a deep breath of fresh air, or at least as fresh as traffic allowed it to be.

Then he spoke, and it seemed like the first time she’d heard his voice all night. “I’m the one who gave you the chocolates and the frog.”

She narrowed her eyes, both not exactly sure why he’d just said that or if he was even being serious. “What?”

He looked down at her. “It wasn’t Andrew, it was me.”

“Why?” She breathed and while she was positive she’d be freezing cold soon, the fresh air after being surrounded by so many people felt good. It felt freeing and she wondered if he felt that way too.

His eyes scanned hers before he looked away. “Well partly to apologize for what I said.”

“What’s the other part?”

Sighing, he turned his entire body to face her now. “Something else entirely…” He trailed off, only confusing her more as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and stared at his feet. “I didn’t tell you because I know you don’t like all this stuff, but seeing you with him tonight... I wish I had.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal. It’s just a frog.”

He shook his head, grinning. “It’s not just a frog, Y/N... because the thing is,” he paused to catch his breath, “I’ve been in love with you for... a really long time… since last spring. But with you being the way that you are, I never thought you’d feel the same way.”

She opened her mouth and then closed it.

“And then you come in with that guy and...” He pulled his fingers through his hair. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more jealous in my life... because all this time I thought you weren’t interested in relationships, but you just weren’t interested in me.”

Inhaling, she summoned every ounce of courage she could fathom. “You were right about why I kissed Adam.” He lifted a brow, waiting for her elaboration which never came. “You were right about other things, too. I wish I had someone to come home to almost every single night I got to bed alone. No one—“ She cut herself off, trembling again as tears stung her eyes. “I pretend not to be interested so I can ignore the fact that no one’s ever wanted me.”

“That’s not true.” He had that same look on his face as before, when she’d told him she wasn’t stupid enough to think he liked her.

She just nodded. “And I’m sorry but... why would you want me when you could have someone like Laura?”

“Y/N...” He huffed and stepped closer to her, the heat from his body making her shiver. “This is not the first time I started seeing someone to get over you... in fact, all my relationships since I met you have been shit.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Well you’re very anti-relationships so I think I was justified in wanting to avoid you rejecting me… especially since we work together and it would have been really awkward.”

“I don’t, uh... I...” She stammered, not really sure what to say to him even though her heart was screaming at her in full volume. 

He held his breath and then, in almost a whisper, “Is this the inevitable rejection?”

“No.” She didn’t even hesitate that time and at this point, her mind no longer controlled the words coming out of her mouth as she let another organ finally speak for itself. “No, I liked you the second I saw you, Harry... and at no point tonight was I ever trying to make Laura jealous.”

The corners of his mouth began to curl into a smile. “That was very cruel of you to do to me.”

“I didn’t think you liked me at all twenty minutes ago, Harry.”

“Twenty minutes ago,” he fully invaded all of her space now, leaving the smallest gap between their bodies as he could get away with, lifting his hand to her jaw and rubbing his thumb over her cheek. “I was still on this date with the wrong person.” 

“I think the date is over now.”

“No,” his eyes fell to her lips just like they had before. “It’s not.” 

“You’re looking at me like that again.” She mumbled, out of breath.

He lifted a brow and didn’t once remove his eyes from her lips. “Like what?”

“Like…” she trailed off, not having the courage to say it in case she wasn’t right. 

“Like I’ve wanted to kiss you for a very long time and I’m tired of pretending?” 

“Something like that, yeah.”

He grinned, both of his dimples making an appearance just before he leaned in and brushed his lips against hers. And once her brain realized what was happening, she sunk right into him, letting his arm wrap around her waist as his other hand tangled its way into her hair to bring her closer. She threw her arms over his shoulders and he hunched lower to meet her. She staggered back a step when he did, nearly losing her balance but he caught her instantly and then drew his lips back as he laughed.

“This is not how I expected tonight to end.” She couldn’t help but think the way he struggled to catch his breath was possibly the hottest he’d ever been. Not to mention the tiny bit of her lipstick smeared on his face. She could look at him just the way he was right there and then for days and be perfectly satisfied.

“It doesn’t have to end yet.” She fully blamed her sudden burst of confidence on the cold, but refreshing February night. And maybe she also just wanted to get out of it before it caught up to her and she would, yet again, regret not having a jacket.

“Oh?” She wanted to smack the mischievous smirk off his face and leave him there on the curb. “And here I thought you were a prude.”

“You thought a lot of things about me that weren’t true, Harry.”

He thought about that for a moment and after realizing she was right, he then wondered just how wrong he was when he’d called her celibate. “I suppose… I’d quite like to find out just how wrong I was.” He slipped a loose strand of her hair back behind her ear, which is where his lips ended up as he whispered softly, “And I’d also quite like to show you just how wrong you were about me not liking you.”

They stumbled into her bedroom in the dark, Pretzel racing out between their twisted feet in a hurry, screeching at them in the process. Harry giggled against her lips, “Your cat sounds friendly.” 

“Well, since I was supposed to be spending tonight with her, and chocolate, and anti-romantic movies…” She pulled away from him, watching as his smile spread further. Maybe she could actually believe he’d been in love all this time. 

“Right… I’d be upset too.” 

She shook her head and kissed him again, then pulled back a second later. “You know that’s not actually what I do on Valentine’s Day.”

He lifted a brow and waited for her to explain but she didn’t.

“And what is it that you do, then?” He finally asked, curiosity getting the best of him, although he had some inkling as to what she was talking about.

Her smile was devoid of innocence as her hands fell to his belt. Harry’s shirt had already been lost to the kitchen floor. Her dress hardly covering what it was supposed to once Harry had gotten his hands on it. 

“Maybe you’ll get to find out.” 

When she brought her lips back to his, after undoing the buckle just under his navel, he spun them around and led her backwards to the bed. He wasn’t sure how far it was, but hoped he was headed in the right direction. And because of that, when her knees did finally bend over the mattress, he practically came flying down on top of her. 

She squirmed out from under him, crawling back towards the pillows as she watched him at the end of the bed while he stood and removed his belt completely, trying not to drool at the sight of him. At the sight of Harry, her fucking annoying ass, perfect, beautiful, coworker standing shirtless at the end of her bed where he was also about to be…

He pushed his trousers down off his hips and they fell to the floor with ease, almost with the same amount of ease that her eyes fell to the tight boxer-briefs he wore underneath. She swallowed as he adjusted the waistband back into place, quite certain that, even in the low light, her eyes were not deceiving her.

The bed shifted at her feet as he joined her, and then it took all her willpower to not fling herself at him as he crawled up the length of her. As he settled himself between her thighs and she felt every last, very hard, inch of him pressed against her. She couldn’t be blamed for the whining moan that she let out in his ear as his lips became familiar with the shape and taste of her neck. She also couldn’t be blamed when her hips instinctively collided with his.

He just giggled again and shook his head, the loose strands of his curls tickling her forehead. “Easy now.” He warned in a hushed mumble, his lips vibrating right against the vein in her neck that pulsed so much faster the more his free hand began to wander up underneath her dress.

He left her speechless for multiple reasons, but the main one was when she felt his fingers tracing down her thigh and then, moments later, after he shifted his weight and used his knees to keep her legs open, she sucked in a breath of air as she felt him pressed against her clit, forcing her nails to dig into his back but he didn’t seem to mind.

Coming back down to kiss her, he began moving his hand in expert little circles, grinning against her mouth every time her body begged him for more. It wasn’t long that he complied, either, when he sat back on his knees between her legs and tugged her underwear off for good, throwing it to the depths of her bedroom floor. He wouldn’t have known where they landed even if he tried because his gaze belong to her only as he lowered himself to his elbows before her, kissing his way up her thighs until he reached her center.

When she squirmed away from him, he wrapped his arms around her thighs and pressed his hands into her hips after gently moving her dress out of the way. 

“You know when we used to stay late at the office working?” He asked suddenly and the heat of his voice against her made her squirm again, but he held on tight. “And you would get sick of sitting in an office chair and made me promise not to tell Jim when you sat on his desk instead?” She had no clue where he was going with it, but still, she nodded. “Every single time I turned to look at you, I thought about doing this.” Before she could get words out or even a coherent thought, she felt his tongue on her. And this time when she jerked against him, she nearly slipped out of his hold until he grabbed her again and pulled her back down, digging himself further into her as she struggled to breathe properly.

She dug her fingers into his hair when he brought her close to the edge and showed no mercy. And somehow, she’d managed to get the sole of her foot up onto his shoulder in order to kick him away, but it didn’t matter much because he never budged. Not that she wanted him to, but he just felt so good… 

“Harry!” She shouted, pulling at his hair and making matters worse for herself when he moaned against her sensitive bundle of nerves. He let her come, never once lifting his mouth from her even as her hips jerked off the mattress and she very nearly pulled his hair out. When she stopped screaming, her voice caught in her throat because she was lost to her own orgasm, is when he lifted his mouth, replaced it with his fingers and watched her as she came down. As her eyes fluttered shut and her chest heaved, her lungs struggling to get oxygen back into her system. Her hold on him loosened as she came undone around him, melting into his hands it seemed like.

And when he began rubbing his index and middle finger into her, once she was far and beyond overstimulated, and he knew that, she reached down with a whine and grabbed his wrist with what little strength she had in her and pulled him away. His hand fell to the other side of her hip, which he used to his advantage to pull himself up over her again, his other hand taking her dress with it until he was able to tug it over her head and toss it. Then he came back down to kiss her, letting her taste herself on her lips. He rubbed his thumb across her cheek and when he pulled away, found her looking at him finally. Although it was with heavy lids as she still struggled to regain her bearings.

Before they could get much further, a loud crashing sound from the other room made both of them nearly jump out of their skin. She shot up instantly, grabbing hold of Harry’s bicep before moving him out of the way and sliding off the edge of the bed. 

“It’s just the cat.” Harry would have probably said the same thing even if it was not just the cat, he’d say anything just to get her to stay with him.

“I know but it sounded like…” her voice trailed off as her feet hit the floor and the moment she went to stand on her own two legs, her knees buckled. He reached to grab her waist but she righted herself before he could. She didn’t see the way he hid his cheeky smirk at the fact that he’d been so good, she was still dizzy.

“You good?” He asked as she stumbled her way into a shirt. With only a groan in response, and what he was sure was her middle finger, she left him alone in her bed to investigate the noise. Sighing, he laid on his back and got comfortable amongst her pillows. And after about three minutes, decided to locate the remote to her TV to entertain himself. 

He flipped onto his side and felt around her bedside table, but his fingers never landed on anything remote-like. So, frustrated, he reached up and switched the lamp on. Again, he found nothing. Looking further, he realized the table had a drawer and so he pulled it open in hopes of finding the damned remote before she got back. 

But what he found instead was so much better than turning on late night news.

“Fucking cat knocked over my vase.” Y/N was back within ten minutes. Harry had left the light on, but made sure it wasn’t obvious he’d gone snooping into her drawer, at least not yet anyway. She crawled back into bed beside him and it was then he noticed the bandage on her thumb.

“Are you alright?” He forgot all about what he planned to tease her with when he gently grabbed her hand to inspect the damage.

“Yeah. I was in a bit of hurry trying to clean up the glass…” 

Harry rolled his eyes and dropped her hand. “I would have come help you.”

She just smiled up at him as he fit his arm around her shoulders, his bicep under her neck. “That’s alright.”

He shrugged. “It was for the best anyways that I didn’t.” When he smirked, she narrowed her eyes suspiciously at him.

“And why’s that?”

She followed his other hand as he reached for something and then, moments later, it reappeared with a very familiar pink object clutched in his grasp. “Because then I wouldn’t have found this.”

Her first reaction was to pry it from his snooping fingers, but when she reached across him to grab it, he way too easily held her back and, at the same time, held it far out of her reach. 

“So this is what you do on Valentine’s Day, then?” He flicked his wrist back and forth, waving her vibrator in the air as he taunted her.

“If you don’t give that back to me,” she reached for it again to no prevail, “you won’t be doing anything, least of all, me.”

He clicked his tongue. “Why would I give it back when I plan on using it?”

She froze and he chuckled at her reaction.

“Would be rude of me to break your traditions, wouldn’t it?” 

She swallowed, her eyes slowly meeting his again. The appearance of his right dimple told her he wasn’t playing any games. She had no idea how many times he planned to make her come tonight or whether or not she’d even be able to walk tomorrow at work. But, given the stupid look on his face, she almost began making plans to call out sick instead.

“Do you actually know how to use that thing?” She finally asked, glancing at the wand still held very firmly in his hand.

He looked at her like she was crazy moments before he pivoted and pinned her onto her back, settling himself into the position they’d been in before the interruption of the cat. 

Just, this time… he was clicking on her vibrator and watching her face as she began to regret her words. 

“‘Course I know how to use it. The real question is,” he brought his lips to her ear, the soft vibrations and the sound of his voice mixing together like sin itself. Even more so when he nipped at her earlobe. “Do you know how to handle it?”

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Desperate Measures 1

Warnings: nonconsent and rape (miniseries); stalking, fear, intimidation.

This is dark!Steve Rogers and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: At first, you think it’s a joke when you get the strange messages, but when they don’t stop, you realise too late how real it all is.

Note: This was going to be a one shot but it kept going and going and going, so it’s gonna be split in 2.

Thank you. Love you guys!

Please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

Have a piece of American dream Open up, and swallow, on your knees And say Thank you I'd like some desperate measures, please

💌

The first picture was sent on Monday. You remembered it clearly unlike most Monday mornings. It was the same boring ritual; a coffee that had long turned cold, a pen that wouldn’t write, and a computer that ran as if on dial-up. 

The only bright side was that your small desk was near a window and you could look out onto the city streets, though they were hardly less miserable than your own existence. You were so high up the people were merely moving specks. You often found yourself distracted by the crowded traffic below.

You were drawn from such a distant reverie by the buzz of your phone. You kept it face down by your monitor. Despite the temptation, you limited yourself to succumbing only once an hour. You sat back and your chair creaked as it tilted beneath you. You checked the time in the corner of your screen and reached for your cell, the rubber case scuffed and scratched at the edges.

Notifications for the same emails that sat open in front of you and a few personal ones in the next bubble. Another for the game you played on the subway or when you were overly listless, several updates for your hoarded apps, and a single text. 

There was no number attached to the message, only the foreboding thick font that read ���unknown number’. You chewed on your thumb as you leaned forward on your elbow and swiped your screen up and punched in your password. The screen flashed and you hit the last notification. No words, just a file. You hit download.

You blinked as it ate your data and the image of your apartment door appeared. You glanced around and laughed to yourself. You shook your head and keyed in your response; ‘very funny, Eva.’ You hit send and set your phone back down. 

Your old friend liked her jokes and you hadn’t missed her little ploy the last time she showed up at your place angry over her latest fling. You had thought she was getting a picture of the stain on the hallway carpet that looked suspiciously like blood… or feces… or a mixture of the two.

You went back to your work and switched the document you’d been picking at for most of the morning. Your job was as entertaining as watching paint dry then peel from age. When you applied for an editing position, you’d expected thrillers and melodramas. Instead, you got dry textbooks and educational guides.

You yawned and pushed through to your scheduled break. You dumped your cold coffee and headed down to the café to grab another. The coffee they kept in the office was cheap and bland. You ate your salad in the lunchroom as you watched the clock tick away. You checked your phone. No reply to that unusual text. Eva must’ve chickened out.

You scoffed and switched chats to send her usual number an ‘lol’. You tucked your phone in your pocket and punched back in before you headed back to your desk. A couple more hours and you’d be home to stew in the early week daze.

The last half of the day went quicker and your subway ride was uneventful; well, for New York. You walked home from your stop and pulled out your phone as you climbed the stairs. You slowed down and moved your feet blindly. You’d finally gotten an answer. ‘Eva?’

You opened the chat again and hit the image. It filled the screen and you squinted as you came to a stop. The stain wasn’t there. Your landlord had finally relented and had the entire hallway torn up and replaced with an even duller shade of grey. The picture had been taken since then; within the last month. The last time you’d seen Eva, you’d gone to hers.

Your chest clenched and you gulped. You hit the little icon in the corner of the conversation and hit ‘block’. You continued to your floor and neared your door. You looked down the hallway and back to your door. You tried the handle. Locked. You took a breath.

It could still be a joke. The stoner next door, Perry, had your number from when you agreed to feed his cat that one time. Maybe he was high or just trying to be funny. Still, it hadn’t come up under his name. Well, he might have changed his number since then.

You unlocked your door and scurried inside. You made sure to turn the latch and slide the chain into place. You tossed your bag beside the mat of shoes and added your flats to the pile. You dropped your phone on the coffee table and untucked your work shirt as you walked around the small living room. 

Nothing was out of place, not that you truly believed whoever it was had gotten past your door. You rubbed your forehead and went to the small kitchen that looked out into the living room. You grabbed a can of sparkling lime whatever and plopped it next to your phone.

You went to your bedroom and stripped yourself of your stiff work clothes and pulled on the night shirt crumpled atop your blanket. You looked down at the thin grey cotton and reached under to unhook your bra. You flung it in the corner knowing you’d be cursing yourself when you couldn’t find it the next morning.

You flopped onto the couch and grabbed your remote. You turned on some mindless Youtube video and opened the mobile game which had taken too much of your life from you. You connected three and four and five and somewhere in between your existentialism kicked in and had you wondering at the point of it.

You closed the app before it ate all of your battery and your phone shook in your hand. 

‘You didn’t tell me who Eva is.’ The message flashed over the top of the screen then disappeared. You pulled down the notification and hit it. You were certain you’d blocked the number. The other messages were gone though and ‘unknown number’ was still emblazoned across the top. You blocked the convo again and dimmed the screen. 

You plugged in your phone and sprawled out across the sofa. You stared at the television, a blur and a buzz to your frantic mind. 

It was dark already when you dragged yourself off the couch and heated up a microwave dinner. You ate it without tasting and your phone chimed to signal a full charge. You left it as it was on the arm of the couch and resumed your repose on the sofa. You fell asleep to the angered commentary of a gamer trying to fight a clam.

You awoke with a start. You blinked through your daze as your television showed stills of mountain and grassy fields. You sat up and grabbed your phone. You checked the time; midnight. Another message.

‘She’s the one you had coffee with last week.’ It said.

You gaped and dropped your phone. You looked around as if whoever it was would be hiding in the corner. You shook as you reached down and took the phone. You swallowed and began to type.

‘Whoever this is, this isn’t funny anymore. Cut it out.’

‘Funny?’ The response came quickly.

‘I mean it. Stop.’

‘Good night, sweetheart.’

You recoiled at the message and bit your lip to keep it from trembling. You checked your door again, the chain still in place, checked every inch of your apartment in your paranoia. Nothing. You let out a breath and took a blanket from your bed and huddled up on the couch. You turned on a playlist, not sure you’d be sleeping much that night.

💌

You weren’t sure when you fell asleep again but you rose before your alarm. You drank your coffee as the sky turned a duller shade of grey. You went through your usual morning dance and headed out the door with a bagel hanging from your mouth. You chowed down on your way to the subway. You felt your bag buzz as you stepped on the train.

You ignored it and clung to the bar as you counted the stops. You got off and stopped by the coffee shop. You ordered a black tea and headed down to your building. Your desk was as it was when you left it. The chair was tucked in and your mouse was hidden behind the keyboard. You sat and booted the laggy machine.

As you waited for it to start, you stirred around in your bag for your phone. You had another message. You dreaded opening it but the circle just kept spinning in the middle of the monitor. You hit the bubble and your phone unlocked.

You took a sharp breath as the image glared back at you. It was you, on the subway, that morning judging by the jacket, staring at the door as the photo was taken unknowingly. Your phone slipped from your grasp and you spun in your chair.

Everything was as it should be. Your co-workers looked just as dead inside as you. Your boss was boxed up in his office on a ‘conference call’. You shuddered and turned back to your desk. You burned your tongue on your tea and signed into your computer. Your phone vibrated beside your shoe and you bent to retrieve it.

‘You looked tired this morning’. The next message blipped on the screen.

You were quick to sweep the clock upward and type. ‘Who the fuck is this?’

‘Sweetheart. I don’t like that kind of language.’ The response was quick and sharp, even in text.

‘Tell me who you are? Why are you doing this?’

‘One thing at a time.’ The letters burned into your vision.

‘Who are you?’ You keyed in again. No answer. 

You set the phone down and watched it. Five minutes, no buzz. You hovered your hand over your mouse and tried to focus on your monitor. Your heart was so loud in your ears, your head began to pound.

💌

When you got on the subway at the end of the day, you looked around frantically as you settled into a seat, your bag hugged to your chest. You glanced up and down the car a dozen times over as you awaited your cue. Your toe tapped anxiously and you stood so fast you were dizzy when your stop came up.

You rushed down the sidewalk, peeking over your shoulder every other step. You didn’t say anything unusual; no one following you, no one watching. You ran up to your building and unlocked the door clumsily. 

You hurried up the stairs and down the hall to your apartment. The key slid in roughly and you turned it so quick, you were certain it would bend. You skirted inside and put the chain in place.

You looked down as your thin-soled boot brushed over something. A pile of flyers slipped through the slot in your absence. You picked them up and sorted through them, an envelope amidst the mess. On its face, it read ‘for my sweetheart’.

You hovered by the door, staring at the envelope. After a moment, you slung your bag down on the floor and placed the flyers on the end table by the lamp. You clicked on the light and ran your thumb along the lip. You carefully opened it and pulled out the paper inside. You unfolded it and your breath caught in your chest.

It was a sketch, quite well done, of you. You’d worn that sweater last week. You went to the park and walked around, sat by the fountain, tossed rocks into the babbling basin. They had been there, whoever it was. How long had they been watching?

And they had been at your door, close enough to slip this through the slot. You folded the drawing and shoved it back in the envelope. You stomped into the kitchen and tossed it into the bin beneath the counter. You backed up and gripped the other counter behind you. You felt a lump in your throat. 

What the fuck was going on?

💌

You started going in early to work; catching the train half an hour before your usual one. You left late and changed your route between the station and your building. You entered through the back, hopping the low concrete barrier between the apartments and the backlot.

Still, it only gave you a single day of peace. No messages, no pictures; and you thought the game was over. You hoped it was. That it was just a sick joke that had finally grown tiring. 

But Thursday saw another image of you just outside your work building. Friday, another of you on the subway.

The weekend was listless. You did your shopping quickly and on Sunday, you wore a loose hoodie to the laundromat. You could find nothing peculiar around you. The city was full of sketchy people but none seemed to be watching you. The hordes were still about their own lives; ignorant of those around them. You felt entirely alone, as if you were being hunted.

Monday was much the same as the last but how could it ever be dull again. You shut your phone off so you could focus on your work. When you were finally done, you dialed the toll-free number for your provider. You took a taxi home and spent two hours on the line but you got your new number and a sense of relief.

You kept your phone on, ringer on max, and nothing. You watched the screen rather than the television but it only lit up with emails and a random text from your mother. You slept in your bed that night,almost soundly.

You still kept your eye over your shoulder. Still searched out any sign of unusual interest. Perhaps you were clueless or maybe your lack of response had finally gotten through to them. Once their messages bounced back as out of service, they might have given up. They got their laughs, now you wanted peace.

It lasted until Friday. 

A full week and you were certain it was over. You finished work and stopped by the liquor store for a bottle of wine on your way home. You could finally let loose. Life had gone back to its usual tedium. You browsed the reds lazily but pondered a pack of coolers instead. Your phone buzzed. You slid it from your pocket out of habit.

‘That cabernet on the top shelf is on sale. Just to your left.’ You stared at the message and backed away from the shelf. You looked around but all the other customers seemed intent on their own purchases. You gulped and blocked the unknown sender.

You left emptied-handed and ran for the train. You got home an hour later than usual. You raced up the stairs and stopped dead in front of your door. The tall gift bag looked familiar; it had been hanging in the store by the till. You neared and peered inside. The golden cap of the wine that had stood in front of you; top shelf.

You bent and flipped the little card attached to the string.

‘For you, sweetheart. Enjoy your weekend.’

You stood and grabbed the bag. You glanced up and down the halls and stormed back down the grey carpet. Your feet hammered down the stairs and you burst through the back doors. You threw the bag into the dumpster and heard the shatter. Your lip trembled as you spun and sprinted back inside.

When you reached your apartment, you called Eva. You struggled to open your dresser with one hand and started pulling out clothes and stuffing them into your neon duffle. She finally picked up.

“E-eva,” you stuttered, “can I-- Can I stay with you, please? J-just a night or two--”

“Wohoa, whoa, slow down,” she said. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t… I can’t tell you now. I’m just-- I’m freaking out and I can’t stay here.” Your voice cracked and you sniffed back tears, “I-- Please. I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I… I have plans but I can cancel,” she offered.

“No, no, I… don’t--”

“You’ll have the apartment to yourself,” she said, “I’ll just let Ray know I’ll be late.”

“What time are you supposed to--”

“Seven but it’s fine,” she assured you. “You okay?”

“I… Wait, you’re fucking around with Ray again?”

“Do you want the couch or not?” She half-kidded, “you want me to meet you there or--”

“No, no,” you whisked into your washroom and grabbed your toothbrush, “I’m coming right now.” You returned to the bedroom and shoved an armful in the bag. “Eva… thank you.”

“Stay on the phone,” she said softly. “Please… you’re scaring me.”

“Okay,” you zipped up the duffle, “yeah, I’ll stay on.”

💌

You hung up as you came up to Eva’s building. She met you at the door, a thick silence between you as you sensed what she wanted to ask you. You weren’t sure how to tell you. You weren’t sure if you could.

You pushed the door closed behind you as you entered her apartment. It was cuter than yours, a spiral staircase led to a loft above and the curtains were lace and matched the dainty pillows on the couch. You placed your bag on the floor and she turned to you.

“Just give me a moment,” you said. She didn’t need to ask.

She went to the desk in the corner of the spacious room and turned on the ring light of the round mirror. She fished through her make-up box and pulled out her eyeliner. She was already done her base and highlight. You neared and hovered just beside her desk.

“I don’t even know…” you stopped yourself and went to your bag. You pulled out the paper you’d shoved in the side pocket on your way out. “Look.”

You crossed to her again and unfolded the sketch on her desk. She glanced down from drawing a wing along her eye and lowered the pencil. She blinked and shrugged.

“Look, someone dropped this through my mail slot. No address on the envelope, just this.” You felt crazy. “And I thought it was all some joke. They were sending me pictures, of me, of my building… I blocked them but they just kept on. I even changed my number.”

She scrunched her lips and looked back to her mirror. She finished her other eye and set the pencil down.

“You call the police?” She asked calmly.

“I… the drawing is all I have. I just deleted the messages when they came because… well, I didn’t think much of it at first. Not until… There was a bottle of wine waiting for me when I came home. The very same I was looking at right before I booked it for my train,” you rubbed your cheek, “Eva, I’m not crazy. I swear.”

“I believe you,” she said, “why wouldn’t I but… there’s nothing you can do but keep a log of what happens from here on out. Screencap everything.”

“You think… you think the police would help if I did?” You asked.

“Not much. Stalking isn’t really something they take seriously. I knew this girl in college-- Well, the evidence can at least get you a restraining order… if you ever figure out who’s sending you all this,” she paused and glanced down at the drawing. “Whoever it is, they got talent.”

“I’m sure they’d be happy to hear that,” you scoffed and crossed your arms.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay here with you?”

You pondered her offer but shook your head.

“As much as I think you should send Ray along, no. I can’t ask any more of you.” You sighed and grabbed the sketch. You dragged your feet to the couch and flopped down on the cushions, “I really do appreciate it.”

“I always told you to get out of that neighbourhood,” she said as she searched her assortment of make-up, “but you know I never mind you hanging out.”

💌

You spent the night on Eva’s couch, alone. She didn’t get home until three in the morning and you waited until noon for her to wake up. When she did, her face was smeared with eyeliner and her hair a mess. 

You hadn’t touched your phone since the night before. You chewed your thumb as you waited for her to emerge from the shower, restless and unsure what to do with yourself. She slammed the lid down on her coffee machine and growled as she turned and crossed her arms.

“Are you okay?” she asked sharply.

“I’m sorry,” you said as you stopped pacing. You barely remembered getting up to walk circles around the coffee table, “I just don’t know what to do.”

“Well, how about a latte?” she yawned behind her hand, “my coffee machine is fucked… again.”

“Um, maybe that’s best, get out and… distract myself,” you twiddled your fingers as your stomach ached. You hadn’t eaten anything since the day before and that was just after noon.

“We’ll get lunch,” she rubbed her forehead, “soak up the wine.”

You shook your head and said nothing. She always drank too much around Ray but you didn’t have the energy for that argument again. So you stayed quiet and watched her disappear into her bedroom.

She emerged as you zipped up your purse. You didn’t bother with your phone as you waited by the door but felt listless without the device. It was like a shield you used when you went out in the world. It kept you from eye contact or awkward conversation.

You set off and headed down the street to the pub that seamlessly shifted from brunch to ladies’ night every Saturday. You ordered breakfast tacos as you sat just inside the large floor length windows that looked out onto the shady patio. The other guest lent a sense of normalcy as they carried on their own conversations and reminded you that you were just another ant on the hill.

As you got your latte in the stemmed glass, Eva pulled out her phone and scowled at the shaking. She was so wrapped up in her texts with Ray she hadn’t even mentioned the reason for your overnighter. You were happy for it and yet, you couldn’t think of anything else.

“Jesus, I told him we were having breakfast and he’s blowing up my phone,” she huffed, “just a second.”

“Eve,” you said as she stood and slid her thumb across the screen, “our foods gonna be here--”

“I won’t be long,” she promised and lifted the speaker to her ear and turned away, “Ray, I’ll be over later, promise. I barely slept--”

Her voice trailed away as she wove between tables and pushed out onto the patio and went to the short fence to chat beyond the ears of diners. You sipped from your drink and stared down at the splintered curve of the table. You couldn’t stay with Eva forever and she was hardly any comfort in her distraction with her on-again, off-again dirt bag. Maybe, if you moved--

“There you are, sweetheart,” the low voice startled you and you sat stalk straight as a figure smoothly slid into Eva’s empty chair, “you gave me quite a scare, up and leaving without a word…”

You stared wide-eyed at the stranger across from you. Well, you knew who he was. Everyone in the city, in the country, even the world, knew Steve Rogers. He smiled at you as his blue eyes glimmered. His posture was cool and confident and it was you who felt out of place.

And you knew, it was him. The shock was not enough to fuel your denial as that feeling deep down assured you of it. That little voice that told you this was your tormentor and that you were fucked.

“I…” you breathed and blinked. You couldn’t find the words, you hardly understood the storm of emotions flowing through you. You glanced through the window as Eva threw her hand up and continued berating her phone, “it’s you?”

“I hate that it has to be this way,” he said, “you know, my work keeps me out of town so much and I just wish we had more time.”

“Wha…” you gulped and gripped the edge of the table, “why--?”

“You haven’t been answering me,” his smile fell, “I don’t like being ignored.”

Your hand shook and you kept it in your lap to hide the rising terror along your spine. You sat paralysed as he sighed and glanced around the restaurant. He tilted his head and pushed his shoulders back.

“You threw out my gift,” he said evenly, “that wasn’t very nice.”

“Go…” you uttered, “go, please--”

“Sweetheart, we’re just talking,” he took a gulp of Eva’s Americano casually, “I missed you… I miss you every day and it hurts that we have to be apart.”

Your shoulders slumped and you clutched your hands in fists on your lap. You could scream but what good would that do. He was Captain America, the first avenger, a hero. 

As if your thoughts sent a banner waving, a young kid approached the table and smiled nervously as he held one of the colouring pages supplied by the restaurant in his hands.

“Um, Captain, uh, America,” the kid stuttered, “will you sign-- Will you sign my--?”

The kid smiled through tight lips and held up the colouring page. Instead, Steve chuckled and took his cap from his head and fished around in his pocket. He pulled out a sharpie and signed the brim and placed it back on the kid’s head.

“There you go,” he said.

“Thank you, Cap!” the kid almost squealed, “oh my gosh!”

“No problem,” Steve laughed and watched the kid run back to the table where his mother sat, she waved at the man across from you and mouthed a thanks. He cleared his throat and stood as he tucked away the marker, “sorry, this is why I didn’t wanna do this in public,” he gripped his hip with one hand, “but… we’ll have our time.” He slowly backed away, “I’ll text you. You’ll answer.”

He grinned one last time and strode away. He stopped before the door as he held it open for Eva and she batted her lashes at him as she gushed. You could guess at her star struck words but couldn’t make them out. He left as she finally stopped her babbling and she almost skipped over to you.

“Oh my god, did you see him?” she trilled, “I didn’t think he’d be even better looking in-person.”

“See who?” you asked dumbly as you tried to disguise your discomfort in your latte.

“Steve Rogers,” she announced, “ugh, even without your phone, you got your head in the ground.”

[thefanbasewhore]

Can you do a soulmate Stucky x reader? I feel like you would write that so well, especially how you portrayed bucky in "are you mad at me" was so soft. The soulmate version would be so cute

Summary || Bucky and Steve meet their soulmate, which they had no idea existed.

Warning/content || fluff, a small explicit scene, fighting. Soulmate AU.

Paring || Bucky Barnes x reader x Steve rogers

I got a little carried away, but enjoy ❤️ not edited or beta read but I'm sleepy 😴

Bucky and Steve have had each other from the moment they have met. Imaging their surprise, being two little boys from Brooklyn seeing colors, something the two agreed to hide, pending the time period.

It was different now, a different time. They were accepted and while both of them loved each other, so very much, especially through the mind control, fighting each other, then for each other. They always knew something was missing.

A color, maybe even two, three. A part of them missing but they both collectively came to the conclusion that it was just that. Some missing colors, it happens sometimes.

It happens when they least expect it.

After Thanos, after Tony finally deciding to leave that kind of life behind, buying a small two bedroom house on the outskirts of the city. A home to grow old in, be together for the first time since before the war started but only one thing prevented that.

The house was a disaster, gutted to the foundations, no running water, green moss outside covered the whole house, the lawn completely out of control. For Bucky it was a hard no, it was a dump but the moment Steve fluttered those ridiculously long lashes, how could he say no?

So here they are, sweating on this 90 degree day, putting up new dry wall with no air-conditioning.

"What color should it be?" Steve asks, glancing to his dark haired lover, taking notice of his now shirtless appearance. Bucky let out a sigh, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"Maybe we should get all of the walls up first."

Steve clicks his tongue, "I like the color green, like a nice pastel mint green."

"Whatever you want, honey." Bucky wasn't too picky, besides whatever made Steve happy, made him happy.

"Hello?" A sweet, feminine voice came from the kitchen. The doors left open because of the heat, there was nothing much in here anyways.

Steve pulls away from his task, pulling his shirt over his head to wipe his forehead with it. "Come in, we are in the kitchen."

Bucky wasn't too alarmed, Steve had told him previously that he hired a someone to make up the yard, nothing too fancy but the both of them were completely clueless when it came to plants, or gardens period.

"Quite a project you have going on here, Mr. Rogers." No doubt taking in the half gutted house along the way. While they have never met, they spoke on the phone briefly about his wants.

"You have no idea, Hun."

The woman looks around the kitchen first, noticing the freshly painted cabinet, the smell a dead giveaway, half eaten burgers thrown to the side on a small, make shift table with barely enough room to fit.

At first glance towards the man she notices the sharp jawline, defined but soft feature of the blonde as she greets him with a smile which soon drops in confusion as small dots of color appear. Stormy blue eyes with a full beard, Steve's mouth dropping agape as he notices the splirts of color - the missing colors for 106 years finally appear.

Bucky notices the tension in the room, shifting his attention from the wall to Steve, noticing how intensely he's staring, Bucky follows the line of vision and meets sweet eyes.

She's hit with another line of color, different from Steve's but now there's no more gray hue, bright yellows and blues. The outside is suddenly so bright and Bucky mouth drops.

This cannot be happening.

They sit there and stare for what seems like hours.

"I - ugh.." she starts, "What is happening?"

***

Sometimes life just throws curve balls, like finding out that your soulmate or in this cause soulmates are two, one hundred year old super soldiers who have already been in love with each other for over a decade.

The pull is already strong, nature intended for these souls to be together until death due part and honestly Bucky could feel it. With Steve he was used to the urge of wanting to have him close, kiss him every free minute he has but with the woman in front of him, it's new.

He doesn't even know her name, watches the way she nervously flickers from Steve's gaze to his own. She's beautiful.

Strong but delicate features, the curve of her nose is cute, cupid lips are so full... kissable. He can't stop staring, even with Steve and her in the mist of conversation. The make shift table cleared of all prior mess, Buck and Steve have to share a chair, which is quite comical, seeing two giant supersoldier try to share a small, old, dinning room seat.

Bucky's metal fingers twitch, metal plate click and whirl to life as he tights to urge to map her face out with his fingers. His heart is beating so fast, filled with so much... Love? Joy?

No matter how much Steve and Bucky try to hide it.. deep down they always knew, something was missing and in this case, someone.

"You're beautiful." The words catch both her and Steve off guard, Bucky blushes red something terrible but the sweet smile defuses the fire.

Well until she says something back, "You are too."

His whole face is hot and Steve reaches over to affectionately rub the back of his shoulder. Of course Steve was calm, he always is.

He handles things with lots of thought and understanding, while Buck is more hot headed, acts on the moment.

***

"It doesn't feel right." Bucky comments, watching from the window to insure she safely gets into the car. Steve sighs, by the time they're done talking darkness has filled the house. Steve affectionately squeezes the brunette's bicep, pressing a kiss to his hair.

"I know Bucky. This is a lot for her, for us. She needs to take time and reflect on this. She'll come to us when she's ready."

Bucky knows nothing then her name, and love for plants but chews at his bottom lip nervously. She's too far, the bond pulls at his heart strings. Now bonded forever. "What if she never comes back?"

"She will."

***

A few days pass, the kitchen is finally done, new appliances, new china and kitchen fully stocked. Steve is making something for Dinner - it smells amazing while Bucky starts painting the walls of the lifeless living room.

It's bare, not even something to sit on but no doubt with the stamina of two super soldiers it will be done by next week.

The knock on the front door is unexpected, but Bucky replies quickly. "I got it, Stevie!"

He expects some older, much wrinkly neighbor to be complaining about the noise of the nail gone or something this late at night. His mouth drops, a little shocked at the sight of her.

A very formal sitting dress, long and black, dips into a sweetheart neckline, the valley of her breasts easily visible. Hair is thrown into a neat updo, sexy and sleek.

Bucky clears his throat. "Hi." He squeaks out, feeling like a total idiot as he watches her nervously shift her weight from one heel to the other.

"Hi, I was in the area. A wedding for one my clients, thought I'd come say hello." Bucky wants to shake his head in disbelief that something so beautiful, just like Steve is made for him.

The universe sculpted and made two beautiful, breath taking human beings to be his and it's overwhelming. She's so pretty it's alarming.

It was a good excuse, the truth but not the real reason she stopped by. How could she tell them that they have been on her mind none stop? It physically hurts to be away for so long.

"Who is it, Buck?" Steve mumbles, interrupting the thick tension between the two.

"Come in, doll." Bucky's helps her with the jacket that lays over his shoulders, mentioning his head towards the direction of the kitchen, where his other lover is.

Steve is stunned none the less, he at least expected a few more days. Also, feeling much like Bucky, amazed by the radiating beauty.

He decides to play it cool, dimples forming with a breath taking smile. "Do you like spaghetti?"

Hours pass, time moves so fast with conversation, and adding wine to the mix surely didn't help.

The trio once again in the kitchen, but this time each have a chair, a new, more comfortable dinning set.

"You got this done fast. It's beautiful." She comments, "Colors are beautiful, I guess I have you two to thank for that."

Bucky shifts in his seat, the glass of wine is useless but still finds himself sipping from it. Her eyes are red, watery with a slight buzz.

"Do you feel it?" The question has both Bucky and Steve look at each other, watching her teary eyes as she presses a hand to sooth the ache in her chest. "It hurts, it hurts to be away. All week."

"It's normal." Steve answers just above a whisper, his next words make Bucky's bottom lip quiver. "I felt it every day for the last 5 years, Bucky was gone."

Bucky had never thought about it - there hasn't been enough time to. It's only been a month later since the return and it never occurred to him what Steve has gone through.

"Steve.." He starts, tears kiss his waterline as his fingers run through the blonde's hair. "I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't know, I -."

"Couldn't prevent it Buck. It happened but you're here now and.." Steve turns his attention towards the girl, tears slip past her eyelids. It's for Steve, for Bucky.. all the pain and suffering they've been through. "Hey, don't cry, it's alright beautiful."

It's feels right, despite barely knowing the man, nothing feel more right then being pulled into his chest as a large metal hand comforts her in a different way, rubbing the loose strands of hair as he murmurs. "We've got you now, you're our other half."

***

Months have past from that day. The house is finally done, everything they could have imagined with the additional of an extra tooth brush in the cup that sits on the bathroom sink, a pile of fuzzy blankets at the bottom of the bed and a five year old chocolate lab. Steve didn't mind much, he's always loved dogs, Bucky on the other hand...

"Alright, alright, Maverick." Bucky huffs, grocery bags in hand as the dog excitedly nuzzles his legs, following him throughout the house like it wasn't only an hour ago he's seen him. Once putting the bags down, hears the whine, big brown eyes staring up at him. Bucky sighs, dropping to a knee before petting the pup's head. "Alright you mutt, don't tell anyone about this."

"Too late, pal." Bucky jumps, hearing the amusement in Steve's voice, followed by the giggle of the woman that peers out from behind him. Wrapping her arms around Steve before testing her head against his shoulder.

"Caught you red handed, you love Mav." Bucky grumbles at her words, feeling two smaller hands wrap around his waist as a head falls into his chest. He presses a soft kiss into her hair before taking in the blonde that barely fits through the doorway he leans against.

Bucky's free hand reaches out, mentioning him closer but as she's soon finds herself in the middle of a super soldier sandwich. "Hi, baby." Bucky presses a kiss to the blonde's lips.

"Hi, pal."

***

"It's only one mission. That's it, we will be in and out." Steve promises, not liking the way his girls face twist into a worried expression.

Heavy eyes, lower lip sticking out to pout. "What if something happens? If you get hurt? Or if they find you, Bucky?"

"I told you, Hydra is gone, honey." Bucky's large hands sooth over her tight shoulders, pressing soft kisses to the back of her upper traps.

"No. You still have nightmares at least three times a week. This can't be good for you. And you." She turns her attention back towards Steve, "Barely sleep four hours a night. You carry the fault on your shoulders, you don't need anymore. I don't want you two to go."

"We don't have a choice. They were my family once, I owe this to them." Steve didn't miss the way her lips moves to form a snarl, not sparing another glance as she makes a b-line for the stairs.

Bucky sighs, leaning against the wall. "She's going to be mad at us." Rubbing his chest with hopes to ease the burn.

The bond pulls at their hearts, a slow, painful punishment for their actions.

They return two weeks later, tired, just wanting to see their girl. The moment they walk into the house they look at each other with will wild eyes, heart pumping as they fear the worse. The dog, the annoying wiggling tail that would bark is one where to be found, something is wrong.

It's alarming. "Where is that freaking mutt?"

Steve calls her name, but there is no answer. Bucky and him are searching the house, ascending the stairs, opening the bedroom door with a deep sigh of relief.

The stupid dog takes up half of the bed, but is cuddled into his owner. Arm draped around the ball of fur, amount as long as her.

The dog lifts his head, a little tail waggle as Steve stretches his ears, lowering to his knees and laying his top half over the bed to press loud, audible kisses to his ears. "Good boy, protecting our girl while we are gone."

When morning comes she notices the dog is still pressed against her, licking small stripes against her cheeks. "Have to go out, buddy?"

She barely makes it five steps before tripping over two rather large bodies, sleeping on a makeshift bed on the floor. Bucky groans and Steve's eyes flicker open.

"Why are you on the floor?"

"Wanted you to sleep pretty girl. Mav was taking up all the room and you looked like an angel." Bucky hums in agreement despite his eyes being closed.

"Mmm, well it's all free now." It's short, simple but the sarcastic tone has Bucky's eyes flickering to meet his boyfriend's. They both sigh, staring up at the ceiling, knowing it's going to be a long day.

And it is. She's does whatever she can to get away from them, only answers with short replies to the point Bucky can't take it anymore.

"Sweetheart," Bucky tries again but she doesn't acknowledge him, eyes stayed glued to the book. He gets fed up, metal plates click as artificial appendages run over the binding and pull it from her grasp.

"Give it back, James."

He cringes at the name, a displeased frown wears his face. "No, you have to talk to us."

"No."

"You're bring a brat." Bucky starts, watching her expression change from annoyed to anger, wrinkles of frustration pinch between her eyebrows.

"Buck - don't say that to her." Steve comments, it's his fault, he's the one who said yes without confiding in her first.

"She is, it's over with now. She has no right to be this mad."

"No right?" Her chest fills with emotion as a humourless chuckle causes both men to stiffen. "No right? Huh Buck? I sat here for two full weeks, no communication, nothing while the two of you are out there fighting God knows what after you swore, promised you would always be with me. Don't promise me forever if you're just going to throw yourself in danger! You're going to die and leave me, or worse! Both of you will."

No one says a word, only watch as her chest rises and falls with deep, heavy pants despite the tears that rolls past her eyes lashes.

"Honey, I'm sorry -."

"I don't want to hear it James, and you." She turns towards Steve, fire in her soul. "I thought you would understand, more then him, considering it has happened to you."

She leaves the room without another word, Buck turns towards Steve, watching the way he fights the tears that gather. The pain of loosing Bucky is still so fresh, "She's right Buck, we fucked up."

"I know, I know." He mumbles into Steve's shoulder, pulling him close.

***

"You're so good to me, sweet girl." Bucky moans as she shifts her hips against him, the blunt end of his cock hitting the spot inside her that makes her squeal for more.

Large hands squeeze her hips as Steve leans over to find his boyfriend's lips, kissing him through the gasps and whines of their girl's name as she circles her hips around Bucky.

Steve's hands pull at his hair, lips trailing from his lips, down his cheeks before nipping at his jaw.

"How does he feel honey?"

"So good, Stevie." For a second he's in a trance, watching the way her face contours with pleasure and the pain of her third orgasm well on its way.

Steve lays next to Buck, hand wrapping around his own heaviness between his legs as he stokes it, switching between her face of pleasure to Bucky's, who bites his lip to suppress a moan.

It's short lived as hips stutter against her own, coating her walls with his warm cum.

Steve barely gives her time to recover, positioning her on his hands and knees before hovering over her ear and nibbling on it. "My turn, honey."

***

Her hands nervously shake, the kitchen table is all set up, dinner is ready but at the moment she doesn't have an appetite.

Between this morning sickness, the overall change her body is under going, food makes her sick. The opening of the front door makes her sit up straight, sucking in a deep breath.

Two voices conversationing in the hall, "I thought I said for you to lock the door when we leave." Buck is clearly annoyed, it's been a long day but Steve rubs his shoulders, mumbling something incoherent.

Upon entering the kitchen, they both grow worried. Face drained of color, red blotchy eyes with shaky hands.

"Hey, hey." Steve drops to his knees in front of her seat in an instant, hands curling around her wrist as worried steel blue eyes follow his stance, reaching over to stroke her cheek. "What is it? What happened?"

"I'm pregnant." She pauses, "I'm scared, I'm scared. What if someone comes for you? How are we supposed to raise a baby? What if it has the serum, will it ever be safe?"

The questions fill Bucky with dread, how much though put into every sentence, every word is like a new hit of pain to his body but he stays strong. For his girl, he leans forward, wiping the tears away from discolored cheeks. "Everything is going to be fine babydoll, you're going to be fine, our baby is going to be fine."