#maybe i should go outside. rollerskating would fix me.

[raii-bread]

i need to do work but i am actually in such a horrible mood lmao

[bumblesimagines]

Sharing Is Caring

Request: Yes or No

Summary: (Y/N) Keller never believed in true love. He did hookups but nothing serious. It broke Betty's heart since she had fallen for him the moment she met him. Her hurt and jealousy intensifies when Veronica Lodge joins the picture but Veronica has the perfect idea.

~

Betty turned the page of the book, feeling the edge of the paper as she read the lines. Her line of thought was disrupted as someone put their book down infront of her. She looked up, seeing light green eyes and slicked-back hair. She smiled gently.

"Kev.." She greeted softly. Kevin grinned in return, sitting across from her.

“You won’t believe who asked me out on a date!” Kevin took off his bag, placing it on the table. Betty giggled at his excitement, feeling happy for her friend.

“Remember Joaquin?” Betty nodded. “Well, he said that he’s free later tonight and asked if I was up for a date at Pop’s and added that I could bring a friend and their partner as like a double date type of thing. So... I was wondering if-”

“Kev, I don’t have a boyfriend.” Betty reminded. Kevin pouted, nodding.

“I know, Betty, but you can always come with a friend. Maybe Archie?”

“I don’t think Valerie would like that.”

“Jughead?”

“Jug doesn’t do ‘dates’.” Betty closed her book, sliding it into her bag. “Why don’t you ask Arch? He’ll happily help.” 

“Yeah but I want my bestie to be there.” Kevin placed his head on his fist, eyes distant as he tried to come up with something. Betty watched his eyes light up and a grin spread across his face. She frowned. That grin brought nothing but trouble.

“Hey, (N/N)!” Kevin called out. Betty straightened her back and quickly smoothed out her pink sweater. Kevin chuckled quietly, watching his friend silently freak out.

“What’s up, Kev?” (Y/N) asked, hand gripping his backpack strap. The hood of his jacket was up, making his face pop out more. His lips were stretched out into a smile, showing off his pearly whites. 

“I’m going on a double date and Betty here needs someone to go with her. I was wondering if you could tag along? Unless you have practice?” Kevin stared up at his brother with puppy eyes. (Y/N) rolled his eyes.

“Kev-”

“Please?” With a defeated sigh, (Y/N) nodded.

“Okay, fine. I’ll go on this.. double date with you. I’ll finish practice early, alright?” (Y/N) ruffled up his brother’s hair, glancing at Veronica as she sat down. 

“Sorry, I’m late! Mrs. Jefferson held me back.” She explained, giving them all smiles. Her eyes landed on (Y/N) and her smile grew wider. She stuck her hand out.

“Veronica Lodge, pleasure meeting you, handsome.” She purred. Betty dug her nails into her palm, watching them shake hands.

“(Y/N) Keller.”

“Kevin’s brother? I’ve heard so much about you!” Veronica tucked a strand of her black hair behind her ear. 

“All good things I hope..” (Y/N) glanced at his brother with a cocked brow. Veronica giggled, nodding.

“He brags about you a lot. I see why now.” She said, finger toying with her pearl necklace. Betty licked her lips, heartbeat picking up. Of course, Veronica just had to come along and insert herself. Kevin cleared his throat.

“As much as I’d like to see where this goes, I’m afraid my brother has things he needs to do,” Kevin said. (Y/N) rolled his eyes, saluting them as he walked away.

“He’s a walking snack. The genes in your family are crazy.” Veronica said, watching him. Kevin chuckled, nodding.

“We get that a lot. But in other news, (Y/N) does not care about love. He wants to focus on his grades and ice skating. He does hookups but absolutely nothing serious. He’s a notorious heartbreaker, even though he doesn’t mean it.” Kevin told her, glancing at Betty. Veronica hummed, picking up the green apple.

“There’s nothing a Lodge can’t fix.” She smiled, biting into the apple. Kevin swallowed.

“Uh, another thing is... Betty has had the biggest crush on him.” 

“Oh..” Veronica chewed on the apple piece in her mouth, nodding slowly. Betty shifted her gaze onto the table.

“It’s not a big deal or anything... If you like him, you should go for it. I won’t stop you.” Betty mumbled. Veronica reached over, hand grabbing her wrist gently.

“I’m not gonna fight with my new bestie over a guy! We can... Share. After all, sharing is caring.” 

“You guys do know I’m still here, right?” Kevin questioned playfully. Betty gave a small smile. 

~

“And where are you going, young lady?” Alice questioned, arms crossed as she watched her daughter get ready. Betty glanced at her as she tied her hair back.

"I'm going to Pop's with Kev."

"Just Kevin?"

"And his brother." Betty stared at her reflection, fixing her off-shoulder navy blue sweater and jean skirt. Alice raised an eyebrow.

"(Y/N)? Hmph." She tapped her finger against her arm. Betty looked at her mom.

"What?" She asked softly.

"Nothing, Betty, I just think it'd be better if it was you and Kevin alone-"

"Kevin's boyfriend's gonna be there and he didn't want me to feel like the thirdwheel so he invited his brother. Plus, mom, you know (Y/N) is more focused on skating and school." Betty said, pulling two strands out of the ponytail to complete the look. Alice sighed, nodding.

"But I want you home by 11. Sharp." Betty nodded, watching her mom walk away. Betty put on some gloss before grabbing her bag and flats. She put the flats on and headed downstairs. Betty opened the door, closing it behind her once she stepped outside. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.

"Betty!" She opened her eyes, looking at the boys. She smiled, getting off her porch and approaching the car. (Y/N) was driving, considering it was his precious car, while Kevin was in the passenger seat.

"Hey, Cooper." Joaquin greeted.

"Hey, Joaquin." Betty gave him a smile.

"Oh, wow, I think this is the first double date I've ever gone on with my brother." Kevin said.

"And it's gonna be the last." (Y/N) replied playfully, smiling at his brother. Betty giggled, glancing out the window. Her eyes slowly moved from the passing trees to (Y/N). He kept his gaze on the road as Kevin quietly hummed along to the music. Joaquin gazed lovingly at Kevin making Betty smile. They were total opposites yet the perfect couple. Betty thought about her and (Y/N). He was the nice, sporty guy while she was the sweet cheerleader. A typical couple but everyone loved it. Betty blinked as the car stopped and everyone began to get out. She got out of the (F/C) car, watching as Kevin and Joaquin held hands when they entered Pop's.

"How are we gonna compete against that?" (Y/N) joked, locking the car. Betty smiled.

"I don't think anyone can beat them." She replied, walking with him. Pop's was a bit empty, a few couples and random people sitting around, some working while others chatted. Betty slid into the booth Kevin and Joaquin were in, (Y/N) following. Betty stayed mostly silent, listening to Kevin tell funny stories. All throughout, (Y/N) would chime in while Joaquin just watched Kevin, pecking his cheek and causing the bubbly boy to swoon. Betty flushed when (Y/N) propped his arm around her casually but she told herself that it wasn't romantic. (Y/N) was just comfortable around her.

"So, how long have you two been together?" Joaquin asked. Betty felt her ears heating up.

"We're not a couple." She said with a shy smile.

"We're friends." (Y/N) removed his arm from around her, leaning forward and drinking from his milkshake.

"Oh, well, you two would make a cute couple." Joaquin said. Betty shrugged.

"(Y/N) is keen on not finding love until high school's over." Betty said. Joaquin cocked a brow.

"You only experience-"

"High school once.. Yeah I know. Everybody tells me that. I mean, I have my whole life to find love, why start now?"

"Why not? At this rate, you'll join the Olympics and that'll take up all your time." Joaquin wrapped an arm around Kevin.

"I don't mind. I'll probably leave this town after high school... Go off and compete professionally... Probably find a girl and marry her-"

"Have kids and come back to this tiny town to live off the rest of your years." Joaquin finished for him.

"Happens to the best of us." (Y/N) shrugged.

"What about you, Betty?" The blonde played with the sleeve of her sweater.

"I'll probably stay here.. Take up a job as a reporter or teacher." Betty replied, swirling her straw around the glass, watching the milkshake mix together.

"I always saw you as a housewife." Joaquin said.

"Everyone seems to think that." Betty watched as Kevin and Joaquin paid the bill before getting up. They left the diner, going over to (Y/N)'s car. Kevin and Joaquin got in the back, making Betty sit in the front.

"Keep your pants on until I drop you off, alright?" (Y/N) huffed at the couple making out. Betty laughed softly, staring out the window as (Y/N) turned up the music. He dropped Kevin and Joaquin off at the trailer park.

"What time do you have to be home?"

"11."

"It's only 9, mind if I stop by the rink?" (Y/N) asked. Betty shook her head.

"Course not." She smiled. (Y/N) hummed, driving to the ice rink. He parked the car, getting his skates and entering the cold building. Betty followed him, looking around the empty building, apart from the man renting out the skates. (Y/N) changed his shoes into the skates, getting on the ice and skating around. Betty watched him, noting how graceful and concentrated he was. She had seen him compete a few times before. He was definitely going places. Betty stood, going over to the shoe area and renting a pair. She slid them on and wobbled onto the rink.

"Ever skated before?" (Y/N) asked. Betty shook her head, stepping onto the ice. She grabbed onto his shoulders and tried balancing herself.

"The key is not to freak out." He cooed, hands grabbing her waist. Betty smiled nervously, gripping his jacket as she stood straight. (Y/N) slowly skated backwards, pulling Betty along.

"I've rollerskated before but never skated on ice." Betty said, moving her hands from his shoulders to his arms.

"Then you'll learn quickly." He assured, grabbing her hand and slowly skating. Betty eventually relaxed and let go of his hand, skating by herself. Nothing impressive but at least she hadn't fallen yet. (Y/N) smiled, reaching out and grabbing her hand.

"It's relaxing.. Keeps your mind off things." (Y/N) said, tilting his head up and sighing. Betty held both of his hands, the cold and fear of falling long gone.

"Yeah.." (Y/N) looked down at her. He smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her up. Betty laughed softly, placing her hands on his shoulders. She let out a soft sigh as he placed her back on the ice.

"I see why you like it so much." She said, slowly realizing how close they were.

"Alright, lovebirds! We're closing." (Y/N) chuckled, looking at the man.

"Alright, Tom, we'll be out of your hair soon!" (Y/N) called back. He led them to the exit and got out. They changed out of the skates, Betty returning the ones she rented. They left the building, heading back to the car and getting in. The drive was silent but peaceful.

"Right on time." (Y/N) smiled, watching the time turn to 11:00 PM. Betty chuckled, getting out of the car.

"I'll see you on Monday, (N/N)." She said.

"Mhm, see you later, Bets." He replied. Betty closed the door, heading up to her porch and unlocking the door as she heard the car drive off.

"How was it?" Alice asked, approaching her as she cleaned her hands with a rag.

"It-"

"Jesus, Betty, you're freezing!" Alice said, touching her daughters face.

"We went to the ice rink, mom." Betty chuckled, taking her hands off. Alice sighed, watching her head upstairs. Betty entered her room and collapsed on the bed. So close. She heard a buzz and picked up her phone, looking at the screen.

"Heard about the date! How was it? Remember I only want to share, not compete! Xoxo"

Betty sighed, wondering how to respond to Veronica.

[paradox-oflife]

massive q and a post part 4 ignore this pls

1. Is the grass greener on the other side? It depends on perspective I guess. To me, not really. All of us are going through some stuff in the inside.

2. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one around to hear it does it make a noise? uuuuuh yeah, i’d say so!

3. Why does it always rain on me? (idk how to respond to this)

4. Have you ever sailed a boat? One time. It was kinda scary ngl but my brother basically did most things for me.

5. Do you love or loathe Harry Potter? Love. Bro, 2nd grade me reading books under the covers. Catch me with some Percy Jackson or HP.

6. Do you do your utmost for the environment? Of course mate. Though one person won’t have much effect on global warming, you gotta respect your surroundings.

7. Do you love or loather Eurovison? I only watched it once. Reminds me a lot of the Voice. I don’t really watch that type of stuff though.

8. Have you ever wielded a sword? YEAH. I got a plastic one for a skit in school and god it was so much fun doing choreographed fights. I felt cool.

9. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building names after you? Maybe something small. Nothing too big. Depends what I did to become famous too.

10. Whats your favourite type of fish? Why the Blobfish of course.

11. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails? Ponytails. I wear low ponytails like everyday because my hair makes my face irritated sometimes.

12. Whats the ultimate cake topping? Fruit. Enough said.

13. Do you like marzipan? It’s no bad.

14. Whats better? Center Parks or Butlins?  (I’m assuming this is another British thing for hotels)

15. If you were in a band, what instrument/role would you play? I actually was in a band during high school with my friends, except we barely performed. We just hung out in the garage playing songs we liked. I was the bassist, or sometimes when the keyboardist couldn’t make it I’d play piano. I wanted to try drums but i can’t move my limbs independently enough. I tried picking up the guitar but there’s too many strings lmao i can’t memorize enough chords

16. Can you erect a tent? Nope

17. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck it until I get bored, then i CRONCH it

18. Have you ever used a telephone book? (yeah im old enough to remember these things) I used it as fuel for a fireplace lol

19. If you have an mp3 player what size is it? I used to have one. It was smaller than my hand.

20. Do you still have any music on vinyl or casettes? No :( I don’t have a vinyl player but I have old casettes of Chinese Children songs lmao

21. Do you still have a camera that uses conventional film? My dad has one, but it’s out of batteries.

22. Approximately how many DVD's do you have? A lot. I have one of those books with DVD holders and they’re just movies like Shrek.

23. Approximately how many Albums do you have? Downloaded on my phone - a lot.

24. Do you talk to yourself? When I’m alone. I’ve done it before at school and I got crazy looks

25. Do you sing to yourself? ONLY when Im by myself. God forbid anyone hears me singing.

26. Do you know any identical twins? I know two pairs that’s my age, and a pair that’s 27 I believe.

27. Have you ever given blood? No, I really should as someone with blood type O+ but im a big WUSS when it comes to needles.

28. Could you ever be a medical guineapig? Nah. I need something that’s been tested. Because if they screw up, chances are they won’t know how to fix it.

29. Whats your favourite radio station? Classical music station for short drives because I don’t know like any of the “mainstream” stuff. But I just connect my phone to the car and listen to my own playlists.

30. Whats your favourite letter of the Alphabet?  X feels so exotic

31. Which is better? rollerblade or rollerskates? Rollerskates.

32. Have you ever written a love letter? No

33. How many valentines cards did you recieve this/last year? 5. They were all from my friends :)

34. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons? Dragons for SURE

35. Have you ever made your own ice lollipops? No

36. Have you ever made your own Ice cream? No

37. Which foreign language did you have to learn at school? and do you still remember enough to hold a conversation in that language? I did two years of Spanish in middle school, but for high school I went the easy path and took Chinese. Then again, most people who take Chinese already speak Chinese. I did it to jump to AP faster.

38. Do you know CPR? Only from the Office, but I’ve never had to do it before. I heard you have to keep pushing until the ribs break?? 

39. Do you have any swimming badges? Nah, I can swim but I sure am slow

40. Do you prefer digital or rotary/analogue clocks? I’m alright with either

41. How tall is the tallest person you know? 6′7″. Mate, I’m 5′1″, I literally have to tilt my head so high just to talk with him.

42. Have you ever got lost in a maze? omg yeah in New Zealand there’s this thing called a sensory maze. And at one point you go into this room where the seizure inducing lights are flashing on and off super quickly and it’s filled with mirrors. Me and my cousin were basically crawling on the floor because we kept crashing into mirrors.

43. Have you ever been attacked by a wild animal? No and I hope I never do

44. Have you ever ridden a camel? No. Don’t see a lot of camels in California

45. Whats your opinion on rats? They’re alright. As long as they’re not in my house

46. Have you ever been to a gym? Yeah.

47. Have you ever been in a helicopter? No, but it seems kind of fun

48. Have you ever cheated at a test? Okay, maybe a couple times but after 9th grade i STOPPED

49. Have you ever ridden a tractor? Yeah, I even wore a bandana.

50. Are you a gossip? No. I only spill tea around people I know who can keep secrets.

51. Have you ever cried at a film? Yeah. The last time was during Avengers Endgame when Black Widow sacrifices herself.

52. When you're ill do you struggle on regardless or just curl up in bed as much as possible? Well, coming from an Asian family, I developed that type of mentality where if it’s just a cold, then I keep going. If I have a fever, then I stay home.

53. Do you need to write down things to remember them? Most of the times

54. Do you keep a diary/journal? I’ve kept one since 6th grade. It’s so interesting to see how my mentality and thinking has changed over the years. From my lowest points to my highest, it’s so cool.

55. Are you scared of thunderstorms? Nah, unless there’s lightning close by. One time I was at Taiwan and there was lightning like right outside my house. Bro it’s the scariest thing ever. You see a flash of lightning next to the window and the house rattles with a BOOOOOM. Legit, it’s so loud

56. Do you have any unusual fears or phobias? I mean, needles are a pretty common fear so I guess not.

57. Whats your favourite disney movie? Lion King. The remake wasn’t that bad imo.

58. Have you ever slept in a caravan? Nope

59. Have you ever painted a house? I’ve painted inside one

60. Have you got green fingers? I mean, I’m alright with plants. 

61. Whats the tallest tree you've ever climbed? Not that tall because I slipped and fell one time and had the air knocked out of me. Thought I would die there lol

62. Have you ever dialed the talking clock? (another uk thing)

63. Do you always wear identical socks? I try to but hey, if I don’t care, then it’s a free for all

64. Do you live by any motto or philosophy? A couple actually. A lot of comes from the Bible, specifically the whole  Matthew 5-7 sermon on the mountain

65. Do you lick the yoghurt or desert lid? Yes, there’s so much on there.

66. Do you lick the spoon clean after making something sweet? Usually, unless it’s like raw or something

67. Do you like the sound of music? (the musical/film) I remember watching that on those old TVs during elementary school. I think it’s a pretty nice film!

68. Have you ever made your own orangejuice? Yeah

69. Have you ever sucked on a lemon? yes and i think i had a sweet lemon because it was honestly not sour

70. Have you ever licked a battery? no WTF

71. Are you a good aim with a rubber band? Ah, not really.

72. Have you ever played golf? Yee

73 .Whats the most unusual name you've ever come across? I met a Jezebel before. The name meaning itself isn’t bad, but that character in the Bible is associated with pretty bad things

74. Do you prefer to wash in the mornings or evenings? Evening showers>>>> you literally CANNOt change my mind

75. Have you ever danced in the rain? No. because I hate getting my shoes wet.

76. Do you like long or short hair? Long hair

77. Have you ever sworn at an authority figure? Nope. I’m a good kid

78. Have you ever walked into a wall? Yes. So embarrassing.

79. Whats your favourite precious metal? N/A

80. Whats your favourite precious stone? N/A

81. Could you ever hunt your own meal? No way. 

82. Have you ever read any comics? None of your standard American DC Comics, but yeah.

83. Where do you like to go to on a first date? Somewhere personal. Doesn’t matter where really. I mean personal like, a picnic on a grassy plain, or under a starry sky. Studio Ghibli vibes.

84. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes? Horizontal I guess

85. Have you ever baked your own bread? Yeah and it came out like pita chips lol

86. Can you believe I can't believe its not butter is in fact not actually butter? I don’t eat that much butter, but I guess it’s what it says in the title?

87. Can you name all 50 American states? Yes. Capitals though? Maybe 70%

88. Have you ever owned a goldfish? Ive had a beta fish and two guppies in second grade. 

89. What was your favourite school subject? Orchestra and Literature. A lot of people are surprised at my choice of lit. But I actually love reading and analyzing, though writing papers kind of suck. The problem for me when it comes to writing papers isn’t coming up with a topic, it’s wording it in MLA format. Like I could discuss with people all the time but its hard to organize my thoughts.

90. What was your least favourite school subject? Math. Which is a bit odd because I’m actually not too bad at it. But I’ve had the most mental breakdowns when it comes to math. Geez, AP Calc was a ride. I also cried in Chemistry once. 

91. Have you ever passed wind in an embarassing situation? Not that I can’t think of. And Im sure if I have, it would be engraved in my memories.

92. Have you ever played the bongos? Yeah. Pretty fun.

93. Have you ever handled a snake? Yeah it was a smol milk snake. He was a shy boy.

94. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself? OMG YEAH from Ikea it was such an experience. The satisfaction of sitting in a chair you built all by yourself is so satisfying.

95. When did you last go to the beach? Like... a while ago. A year ago maybe.

96.  When if ever did you last go to london? Haven’t been there, but totally would!

97. What do you do to cool down when its hot? Sit inside with a fan, or A/C

98. Whats the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Okay now don’t judge me on this one but i LOVE century eggs. It’s not too uncommon to find them in Taiwan.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this weekend was actually okay and something i needed. on saturday i spoke to my landlord who was very aggressive about our deal and it gave me alot f anxiety. i attempted to share this with.. well.. anyone, and it was really isolating. the day before i had spent just a few hours with him and another friend and i felt isolated. saturday evening he decided he wanted to hang out and was really, really excited to share that he had found a cottage he could use this summer. neither me nor my friend was that enthused. both of us have lives that dont reallt include cottages and who knows if he will still be our friend by then. honestly. and he presented this with such excitement, like it would be good news for me. like i would care. like i was supposed to care. i think in a way both my friend and i thought good news wouldve been him wanting to move out of his mothers house. like he had a change of heart and realized what was actually for the best. he stuck on the cottage, repeatedly asking me over the next day or so if i was excited. he said i could go fishing. if i dont, does he bring someone else? but having him in a good mood was much better than usual and made him much more affectionate and nice, which is what i needed to overcome some of my anxiety. not all anxiety can truly be solved on its own. he kept touching me and held my hand and was overall just really nice. it made me comfortable enough to share my landlord situation and surprisingly he had a similar reaction to my own - they had been nice before, they set out the rules im following, theyre just angry they arent getting anything right now by definition of their own rules. he told me it was okay and i didnt need to worry about it because they had resolved to threats and aggression when i never once acted inappropriately. i felt alot better hearing that. weve been very careful not to comment on each others choices but still offer passive opinions. he doesnt like me living with anyone and hes negative about all of my options. but he doesnt tell me outright what to do / what im doing wrong in his eyes. but it felt better to feel justified in my belief that i wasnt crazy for thinking that i was in fact following their rules and procedures. a bit later on he mentioned that i should try for my native status and to me its a very sketchy subject based on almost 100 years of people with a very flimsy story which i imagine is mostly true but there could be serious false parts. thats why i just accept the ancestry my father believed in but dont indulge in it. but its gratifying to hear a random opinion which someone came to on their own regarding my ancestry and their belief in my belief. but he added that i should seek out an aboriginal center that could help me through the process and they should be more than willing to help because ive experienced so much abusive trauma. i felt a bit thrown back by this observation and didnt really reply. i mean, im not insulted or offended. im more genuinely surprised that within his own thoughts he believed i had abusive trauma and he wanted a way for me to cope easier in life. and it wasnt just oh u had trauma, it was 'so much abusive trauma' - very specific, indicating belief that not onlt had i experienced trauma on its own but that it had been willfully inflicted on me in my past. i believe in a way this also refers to the fact i told him what has been unsaid between us but most obvious in our last fight. he is a contributing factor on a semi regular basis to my anxieties and depression because he chooses to be as close as he is in the type of 'relationship' we have but does things like randomly break up or blame things on me. but its up and down, putting me through a cycle and my trust and patience, as thin as it was to begin with, is hanging on by a thread. i do believe he could leave at any moment without deep thought into how it would affect me. and he tries to remain naive or ignorant to the damage he caused; he asks me if i know where random things are or why i havent taken care of our herb garden and i remind him that im not here and im not welcome to do these things or know these things. he pushed me away for almost two weeks and expected things to be exactly as they were like i had left yesterday. i believe, like my ex, my trauma is too large for him. like, its a hard thing to completely encapsulate and see on a single level at once. and its complex emotional abuse - whether purposeful or not by people that may or may not have had control over the situation. i have felt like an observer since i was a baby. like im just watching crazy shit go down over and over again without a real period of content in between it all. in the afternoon, i felt a bit better. i didnt need sympathy or a shoulder to cry on necessarily, but when you feel very isolated, having your existence acknowledged is good. someone knows. they thought about it. i didnt implant it or bring it up. i roller skated for a bit - im sure its like literally 5-10 minutes of skating at a time but to me its kind of amazing im outside on rollerskates at all. and i think its kind of unbelievable to others as well - not that im too lazy, just that ive made an active choice to emerge from things at the best of mt abilities. later i began looking for jobs and apartments, repeating the same routine of the last few weeks but grateful to be in comfort doing it instead of at the library. i began narrowing down my search - i know, i know, i should take all the jobs. any job. put myself on a production line, hand bomb boxes, cut up chicken - but i cant. i cant do it at this point in my psyche. i cannot physically or mentally bare the process of living that way. its incomprehensible to me - im not above it. im not stubborn. im not lazy. but when you barely have the desire to get out of bed and feed yourself and bathe, to create the desire from nothing to go to a factory and pack boxes for eight hours of the day is so much time alone with my mind. its not distracting or challenging enough and ive see. these terrible jobs make normal people depressed so to me it seems like a death sentence. so i began to narrow it down - its been a long journey, acrually. it started months ago when i sat down and sincerely though about the very few things i could believe or want in my life thriugh all the fog and trauma and stress. it was very basic - im kind of a simple person. or maybe im simple among my turmoil. i like animals - but they also can trigger alot of anxiety and emotions that i dont want to deal with on a regular basis on top of having employment to maintain. i like cooking and baking; but all job environments with this are very high stress fast paced places and i am a sloth. not lazy, again, but currently moving at a pace that is the best of my abilities. i like computers but my skills are from 2008 and i dont have the patience or attention span to upgrade them right now. i like, in some ways, cleaning but i dont think its something id want to do everyday of my life. i like caring for the elderly, but again, its a complex job with alot of mental stress. so for the past month or so ive settled on essentially something in horticulture. i like growing things. it brings me a little joy on the inside. i like herb gardens and flowers, i like being outside, i like learning about plants. i began looking for a job in a garden center but they were few and far between and i began to realize that it was still mainly retail. so i applied to landscaping - i could cut grass and weed gardens but its male dominated industry and i dont think my few years of experience doing well, nothing, makes me a their first choice. plus its back breaking and the weather conditions can be terrible. so i looked for jobs as a florist or in a flower shop or maybe just the flower department in a grocery store. it seemed relatively low stress, not incredibly fast paced but something that was always in demand and flowers and maintaining flowers is great. but i began to learn that it required experience, as most jobs do, but as i thought about it i realized perhaps i could be a floral designer. it sounds really.. meh. like a super unimportant job with no real purpose and may e thats okay. it has alot of options; floral shops, weddings, funerals - its an oddly versatile thing that also allows for creativity and an experience of art and a little bit of science. its not complex, but it could be. and it allows for expansion - i could run my own flower shop. its not the most useful trade but its something thats always useable. i hesistantly looked into schooling. it seemed like a random course you took once and they gave you a paper. but a neaeby college has an entire 2 semester course that includes fundamentals of color and design and business plus floral design and other similae things. i say near but its a 2 hr bus ride away. however, its only on saturdays. one day a week for eight months. for curiousitys sake i looked into student loans. my last experience was uncomfortable. despite my best efforts, including calling multiole financial aid offices and sending paper work, i was still messed around and had no idea what to do to fix it. in rhe end i was told it was unlikely student loans would cover my choice; it was an online course in criminal psychology. i felt defeated and turned away from it but looking back now it was a poor attempt to alleviate pressures. so i was weary that osap would cover this course. apparantly school was sketchier than i thiught and the websites were utterly confusing and just asking for money up front. but i continued on, certain that it must work - everyone else manages it. i found the loan calculator and inputted the data. it would be the bare minimum course load thst would count towards getting a loan. it seemed impossible, a course that only happened saturdays that would be covered by a loan. but it recognized the course and calculated based on my assistance i get now, which i know is possible and i know assistance encourages you to do so. it came back as covering my books as well as 9000$+ for living & travelling expenses for the eight months. right now, assistance would allow me a little over 5000$ provided i dont get a job. and thats for living and eating, 300$ a month for rent, 300$ for basic living. at 9000$ i could afford 500-600$ in rent, possibly more if i really wanted to stretch it more so as a loan, when i work, my money isnt deducted. so my shelter costs are covered and at an even higher amount of rent for 700$, i have 300$ still to live on. if i wanted to live alone, that is. having 500-600$ to offer in a roommate situation or towards anything in my future is better than the 300-400$ im looking at now. so i think i want to do this. im going to ask assistance to cover the application fee and im rly hoping i have the one pre requisite course they ask for. it doesnt solve anything right now at all. this is long term think over the next 6-8 months, whicb honestly is scary. im scared by planning so far ahead for myself. and its hard because what if what if what if. but i think its the right thing to do. i dont know if it is. was i ever going to be a famous chef or doctor or office person? probably not. im lucky to exist as i am now. its a reachable goal just outside of my comfortzone and despite the meager amount it seems like theyre giving me, its more than i have had for almost a year now. i believe im ready to handle this, which is funny because its thrown on 18 yr olds eith no life experience but it doesnt matter. a friend has been sort of wanting to be my roommate. its hard to trust her though. and its a really sketchy situation to enter into but financially it would make sense and it would allow me to keep a majority of my comforts. she said she drove around and looked for apartments yesterday and called a few, which is more than ive done. she did show me a few but they were just out of my price range and i wonder if i just wont have enough money to even have a roommate. i also havent had any calls or opportunties for jobs or cash and half of it is my fault. today i could go to contract testing andearn 20$. but ill spend 4$ to get there. i wanted to make it a trip and go to the assistance office too and submit paper work for my application but my desire is not there and im frustrated st myself because i was given a fine weekend. and i need the money; im nearlt short of first & last for 400$ worth of rent, which means i cant even look at 500$ places. i can, however, afford 450$ which is not so bad and i guess i could borrow 100$ from someone if it came down to it, considering my efforts. so 20$ today would sort of go towards living expenses right now and i guess i just.. dont care. i also have to call hydro because i have a past due notice im hoping doesnr translate to final notice? im past due on mt past due and even making the phone call seems daunting. my mornings have become battlefields, mental acrobats of havinf set a plan - even a simple task and fighting myself for several hours about doing it or why or for what purpose. i commend myself, sadly, on the three consecutive days at the library last week. thats actually unheard of in my world, getting up, getting ready and goinf out at almost the same time for three days in a row. then it was the weekend. and now im here. and the weeke d didnt bother me. it didnt cause this, or maybe it did but it doesnt feel like it. im glad to have spent time with him in such a positive way but i guess i have a looming feeling of "well tomorrow i know i wont see him" and ill work out my day alone and eat alone and sleep alone and have all this time because i barely have wifi and no cable and no tv and no movies. its not his fault though. its mt fault. he doesnt have to share his time eith me because i couldnt manage to have wifi. or that i sold my tv. it would be best for me to do the things i planned today. i also havent began cleaning or packing any of my things. i could use boxes. but i kind of want to sleep; i didnt sleep well last night and felt ljke i was up most of the night, having slept alone, and being woken up pretty uncemermoniously at 630am. he explained he was up until 3am working on his project and managed some niceties but dropped me a block from my apt for no real reason. i do scorn myself for not taking initative. these tasks are really fucking simple and crucial to my well being but ill comfort myself with "well, its only this time of day, i can still do this and this later" and its such a poor cop out. i could do it now. the two hours ive been sitting here, couldve done it. but i didnt and i honestlt probably wont and that really makes me such a bucket. its hard feeling down about your depression. but i guess unfortunately im going to start this day again in a few hours and im sure ill be much better off.. or atleast well enough to move from my bed.