#maybe i just had a normal seizure experience or maybe the really mean nurses were right and i am faking and i just don’t know it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

threeletterslife · 4 years ago

Text

For Everland

→ [2/7] of the Society Series

→ summary: Yoongi is supposed to be your patient. He's not supposed to threaten your so-called relationship with your lifetime partner, Jeon Jungkook. You're not supposed to love him—you shouldn't be able to.

→ pairing/rating: yoongi x reader | PG-15

→ genre: 97% angst, 3% fluff | dystopian!au

→ warnings: profanity, making out, implied sex, infidelity (kind of?), blood, death, hyperventilation, depictions of a seizure (oc works at a hospital so), mentions of the afterlife, descriptions of getting shots/needles, a character has a missing leg (poor bby)

→ wordcount: 17.7k

→ a/n: this is loosely inspired by the great lois lowry’s the giver. i grew up reading that book omg 😭😭🥺and writing this fic was sO fun bc if i had to choose a dystopian society to live in for the rest of my life, it would HANDS DOWN be this one

cr.

It's over.

Thank goodness, it's over.

It's easily the worst part of the job. The transport room is painfully white and frighteningly silent. The only comfort you have is your ocean linen hand soap that sits loyally on the side of the sink. You pull off your latex gloves slowly, tossing them in the trash and turning on the warm water to wash your hands. The familiar, sea breeze scent punctures the room, soothing your jittery nerves. It seems to warmly congratulate you for orchestrating another successful transport.

Thank god. You won't have to do the procedure for another few weeks.

You make a bee-line toward the hospital closet, quickly shrugging off your spotless lab coat and pulling on your worn-out, fuzzy sweater. Already, you're feeling a bit better just being in your normal clothes. Professional attire makes you feel solemn and serious. You hate it.

But other than having to do the procedure in the transport room quite often, you enjoy your assigned career.

The procedure is only inevitable, you suppose, as you start to walk home from your career unit. Jungkook, your assigned partner, isn't waiting for you today, so he must be at home, making dinner. You begin to fast-walk before you accidentally break curfew a second time—the first time was embarrassing enough.

But to keep your mind busy and away from shutting down due to boredom, you reflect back on the day's work.

It's definitely not easy being a nurse, but you take the job with immense pride. Because without you, no one would be able to get to Everland. When you'd first received your career assignment, the Council had proudly told you that you were the very bridge between the society—Tagna—and Everland. They told you that you should take your assigned career with pride.

Everland. How do you even begin to explain that place? It's a paradise, they say. The Council tells every citizen of Tagna the general idea, but only you're gifted with the details. They told you that the skies are blue and the sun shines brightly but never too much. It is spring all year round in Everland. The land boasts serene nature and lakes that stretch across the grassy lawns. The homes are built from cedar wood and are sturdy against the whispering breezes at night.

Of course, you've never seen Everland for yourself. In fact, the Council makes it very clear that no one who has been to Everland has come back to Tagna. You suppose if you lived in paradise too, you wouldn't want to leave.

Some are transported to Everland earlier in their lives; you've worked with a handful of newborn babies, young children and even teenagers. Others are transported later, after thoroughly experiencing the structured and well-disciplined society of Tagna; there were more adults, grandmothers and grandfathers who you transported to Everland. But in the end, every person in Tagna—yourself included—would earn a chance to visit Everland themselves. It's just a matter of time... and luck.

As a nurse, it's up to you to take care of the patients. You're supposed to talk to them, keep them company, comfort them, be their closest friend—until it's time for them to be transported. The transportation is also part of your job, but the least favorite part for you.

Maybe you hate the procedure and going through with the transport because you get quite attached to your patients—you don't want them to leave. But maybe... and deeper inside you, you hate the procedure because you're jealous.

You can't deny that you want to experience this Everland. You've come close to the paradisiacal land more times than any other citizen of Tagna. But the Council seems to be intent on keeping you in society so you can serve those in need.

Goddamn. Every time you step into that small, white room, every time you put on your latex gloves, you wish it were you, sitting in the hospital bed, instead of your patient.

When your assistant rolls in the medical cart with supplies, you can't help but spend an extra few seconds gazing longingly at the clear serum in the syringe. The sharp, pointed needle glints in the white light, which brings a small, sad smile to your face. That's the serum that puts your patient to sleep—well, physically. Their minds are already flying through dimensions, zipping past other worlds to land in Everland. Their bodies will follow suit later.

It's unsettling though. You hate how the clear liquid disappears through the skin the more you press the pad of your finger on the plunger of the syringe. There is also an unspoken agreement with all the people in the room to stay absolutely silent. The silence is unsettling to you.

Very rarely, your patient has to be strapped into their seat. But it becomes quite obvious when you're tending your patient before the transport whether they'll need a strap. You assume the shot isn't too painful, judging from the majority of the reactions of your patients. But you're not really sure. And it's not your job to know. The Council is extremely strict about assigned careers.

Sometimes, it's unsettling to watch your patient fall asleep. Their eyes begin to flutter rapidly and their limbs become limp, their head lolling to the side. As a tradition, you have to walk towards your patient, your shoes clacking against the white floor. You hold their hand and speak your last goodbyes.

"Remember the lines we rehearsed? The ones we went over every day, honey?" you say every time.

There's always a mixed response from the patients. Sometimes they nod, sometimes they shake their heads. Other times, they don't even answer you—when the serum works too quickly and they're already halfway crossing dimensions in their minds. It usually doesn't matter. You recite the rehearsed line yourself.

"For us and for Everland."

On good days, your patient says the line with you; it's their very last words before they would leave Tagna forever and enter Everland. When their body goes slack and their eyes close, you have to double-check their pulse—for the transportation to Everland is not possible with a beating heart. The injected serum is merely a catalyst that will help your patient transport to Everland. And once the patient's mind is already at Everland, their body will follow, and they will wake up in paradise.

The unsettling feeling does not leave until some of your assistants enter the room to roll your patient's hospital bed away. You always give them a nod of acknowledgment but you never speak to them—just in case any loud noise might disrupt your patient's safe travels.

Every transport procedure drains you. But Jungkook's always waiting for you somewhere, waiting to replenish your energy and shower you with attention. He's always insisting that you take a rest, which, in his language, means to go on a lunch coffee date with him. But you're usually too busy to accept.

You manage to reach your house unit before curfew, opening your door and nearly collapsing on the living room couch.

"Sweetie?" you hear Jungkook calling you from the kitchen. It takes you a moment to realize he's cooking spaghetti, which makes you lift your head gratefully.

"Yeah?" you say.

"Are you tired?" he calls. "I made spaghetti, but I can wrap it up for you so you can have it for breakfast tomorrow if you want to sleep."

"No, no, it's fine," you say, heaving yourself up from the couch and stumbling into the kitchen. "I want to eat dinner with you."

Jungkook smiles brightly. Normally, you leave him to eat his meals by himself. "Did something good happen today?" he asks as he pulls out the chair for you and places two still-hot bowls of spaghetti on the table.

"Not really," you shrug, sitting down and grabbing your fork. "It was normal as work goes."

"How was the transport, then?"

"Routinely," you say, stuffing a forkful of spaghetti in your mouth. "Mm, this is good, Jungkook," you hum, swallowing. Jungkook beams at your compliment. "The patient was a grandmother, and she recited the lasting line with me, so that was good."

"For us and for Everland?"

"Yeah." You nod.

You like it when Jungkook discusses work with you. Because in your opinion, your career units are the only thing the two of you have in common. Which was the whole point of assigned partners, anyway—to match people up according to their career units. The Council says it makes couples more compatible. You're indifferent.

It's silent for the rest of dinner. Jungkook knows you don't like to come home to small talk after doing it for work all day. And you don't find it interesting when Jungkook starts to go off in tangents about the new baseball lineups the Council approved of. You do the dishes while Jungkook clears off the table and cleans the kitchen floor.

The chores are habitual, making you feel almost like a robot as you complete them every day. When the last dish is in the dishwater, you turn to Jungkook, who just came back from taking out the trash. "Jungkook?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"Listen, I've been meaning to ask you..." you trail off. Your partner smiles hopefully at you. "Where do you roll my patients off before their bodies are transported? I mean... I guess what I'm asking is, do you get to see Everland? Is there a portal or something that leads there?"

Jungkook sniffles, scrunching his eyebrows in thought. You can tell by the slight crease on his forehead that he's disappointed there's going to be another work-related conversation.

"We're just told to put them in a white sack. Maybe that's the portal you're talking about? I'm not sure where they go, sweetie," he says. "We just do these extra check-ups so we know they're in good condition to transport. Then we set them in another room. I guess someone else does the rest." He pauses. "But I don't think I was supposed to tell you all that. Y/N, you know the details of our assigned careers have to be kept confidential."

You sigh. "Yeah, I know... Still, though. What does it matter? We work in the same career unit. There should be no secrets!"

"I think the Council would have something to say to that," Jungkook says. "I just think you want to see what Everland is like because you've been asking me an awful lot of questions about work," he sulks. "We're partners, Y/N... Can we please act like it? Look at Hoseok next door with his partner. And Namjoon too. They always go on dates, and they're already thinking of signing up for kids from the clinic."

You flinch. Assigned partners, you want to remind Jungkook. But you don't. It's not that you hate Jungkook or despise his presence altogether. It's just that you don't love him. Not as much as he loves you, anyway.

But he's loyal and one of your only friends. And he's not too bad of a company.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," you say, reaching out to place a friendly hand on his. "I just... I've been selfish, I know."

Jungkook takes your hand in his, tugging you into his arms.

"I always feel guilty, you know?" you whisper against his chest. "I make Everland seem like this fairytale place. But I don't even know what it's like."

"It's best to trust what the Council says," Jungkook reassures you. "You're better off trusting them than anyone else, right?"

"You're right."

"It's okay," Jungkook whispers, kissing your forehead before letting you go. "Sooner or later, we'll be transported too. Sometimes in moments that we least expect it."

You hum, detecting the melancholy tinge to his silvery voice. "It's your brother, isn't it? How do you think he's faring in Everland?"

"Junghyun?" Jungkook sighs. "He's probably having the time of his life there... It was just so sudden. I didn't even get to say goodbye to him."

"They leave us in the most mysterious ways," you say. "Too bad we lose contact after their transport. I would've loved to see what it's like there."

"Yeah, me too," Jungkook says. "But I want us to leave for Everland together."

Unlikely, you think. "Me too," you say. "Come on, let's get to bed. I have to stay late tomorrow at work. They're giving me another patient on top of Jimin."

Jungkook groans, his hand searching for yours as the two of you make your way into the bedroom. When he finds your hand, he holds it tightly, almost as if he was afraid you'd fade out of sight at any second. "The Council's overworking you, sweetie."

"Or they just think I'm doing a great job," you say, squeezing his hand. "It's okay. I swear I don't mind. He's a good guy, you know, this Jimin. Deserves to be in Everland. He just needs some emotional boost as they all do. And as for the new patient... I don't know what to expect."

"Well, then," Jungkook says. "Tell this Jimin to say hi to my brother for me when he's there."

"Sure thing."

"Sweetie?"

"Hm?"

"Don't work too hard," Jungkook says. "You need some time to relax."

You giggle. "My career is my relaxation! It's fun to meet these people, to talk to them, you know? Granted, half of them don't understand me, but I dunno... I like the process way more than the procedure itself."

"Yeah, yeah," Jungkook laughs, shaking his head, his hand slipping out of yours. "We should wash up," he says, "before the suppressant makes me drop to the floor snoring."

You laugh along with him, tugging your assigned partner into the bathroom. The nighttime routine in there is as practiced as any other routine in your life. Soon, you and Jungkook are lying in bed, side by side. Just like always.

"Sweetie?" Jungkook murmurs, the suppressant taking a toll on him already. He seems to be barely awake.

"Yeah?"

"Try to get home much before curfew, okay?"

Jungkook had freaked out when the patrollers had found you crossing the streets after curfew. He'd been reminding you about getting home earlier for months now. But you never listen to him. Still: "Of course," you say. "I'm sorry for always making you worry."

When Jungkook doesn't answer, you realize he's already knocked out. You let out a deep sigh, turning over to face the small window in the bedroom. It's dark out tonight, with no moon to light up the bedroom even the slightest bit.

Sometimes, you wonder what it would be like if the suppressant worked on you normally as it did for everyone else.

Out of the thousands of citizens of Tagna, it had to be you to be the victim of immunity to the suppressant.

"Jimin! How are you?" you exclaim, closing the hospital room door behind you as you shake a bag of his favorite chips in your hand. "Look what I got you! I might've been late because of that." You laugh apologetically as Jimin giggles, immobilized on his bed.

"I'm fine, Y/N, thank you. No need to worry." But the man shifts uncomfortably, then lifts the bed covers off of the lower half of his body. "Can you help me up?" He nods towards his missing right leg, giving you a rather frustrated look.

"Yes, of course," you quickly say, taking big steps to help Jimin out of his bed and onto his wheelchair. Though the amputation had been successful—the infection didn't spread to the rest of the body—a missing leg left Jimin often irritated and frustrated. "Where do you want to go today?" you ask him, rubbing his shoulders to comfort him.

The man places a hand on top of yours, looking at you pleadingly. "Outside the hospital...?" he says hopefully.

"Aw, Jimin..." you say, crouching down in front of him to take his hands. "You know we can't do that." He knows, but he asks every day, just in case—as if one day, you'll be waiting for him with a different answer other than no.

"I know," Jimin says, squeezing your hands. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," you tell him. "Do you want your blanket, Jimin? You know, to cover—"

"Yes, please." Nodding, you help the man drape a white cotton blanket over his leg. "I want another look around the hospital before I'm transported."

"Sure!" You adjust Jimin's blanket, securing it so it falls over his missing leg. You and Jimin have a wordless agreement not to talk much about it, and you know how much he likes to have it covered up. Jimin's insecure, embarrassed about a missing limb. Especially when before the amputation, he had been a fit, robust figure, always running around and training. "We'll just roam around the hospital and talk."

Jimin smiles. "That sounds good to me. Let's bring the chips too."

You hand the snack to Jimin, carefully checking the room one last time before rolling the man out into the hospital corridor. It's silent as you wheel Jimin in the direction of the left-wing, where there are full-length windows replacing the usual bland white walls, allowing bright sunlight to flood the corridor. It's the only place that gives the otherwise spotlessly white hospital a golden glow. Jimin likes that spot the best; honestly, so do you.

Once you situate Jimin in front of the windows, making sure he isn't completely in the sun, you sit down next to him. (He doesn't like it when you tower over him.) Jimin looks comfortable in his wheelchair, clutching his now open bag of chips and staring out the window with deep admiration.

"Tell me about Everland, again," he whispers, gazing thoughtfully out of the windows. "Please, Y/N."

The sunlight bounces perfectly off the bridge of Jimin's sloped nose, giving his face of beautiful features a sort of rare radiance.

"Everland?" you hum. "What do you want to hear about it?"

"I don't know... If people like me are welcomed there, I guess," Jimin sighs. His gaze flickers to you. "No one I know and admire knows about my amputation—except you. They won't let me contact my friends or family... They're sending me to paradise early because I'm an embarrassment to Tagna."

"Don't be like that." Sure, you've noticed society's outcasts are usually the ones that are transported—the ones with physical or mental disabilities, or just those older in age. But, of course, that just means that everyone should be transported sooner or later. Or maybe these people are the only people that Everland accepts.

Jimin is going at it as if Everland only accepted those rejected from Tagna. You're not so keen on that idea. The Council works hard to protect every single citizen. That would be impossible.

The seated man inhales sharply. "How can I not be like this, Y/N? I feel so useless here, like this, in a fucking hospital of all places. The only way I can even moderately feel like I'm back in society is here, in front of these damned windows where I can actually see the sunlight. Otherwise, I'm stuck in these white-walled rooms with no one to talk to but you. Then I'm forced to run through these health checkups with doctors that never speak to me, even when I ask them questions! At this point, anything is better than this stupid hospital."

"Oh, Jimin..." you say, immediately taking his hand in yours. You can't bring yourself to tell him 'don't be like that,' again. Pure sorrow is held deep in his brown eyes when he looks at you; your heart aches. "Hey..." you whisper, softly squeezing his warm hand. "Remember that thing I always tell you?"

"What thing?" he huffs. You can tell he's a little bit irritated, and you struggle to keep a straight face.

Placing another comforting hand on his remaining knee, you say, "Remember? For us and—"

"For Everland," Jimin finishes for you. "Oh, that thing," he mumbles. "Of course I remember."

You nod, smiling when Jimin grips your hand tighter. "Have you ever stopped to think about what that meant?"

"No, not really, Y/N." Though he's still frowning, he doesn't look as forlorn anymore.

"Well," you say, "we, as a society, will always miss any patient after their successful transport. I remember everyone I've helped to cross the dimensions and go to Everland, so I'm sure your friends and family unit will always remember you as well. You'll be the man who was worthy of being transported into paradise. Think of it like you're doing it for Tagna, to represent our society in a new land. For us."

"And for Everland?"

"It's nice to say that out of respect, you know?" you smile. "I mean, you'll be staying there for the rest of your life, Jimin. Besides, no one ever said anything about you being an embarrassment, Jimin. You're nothing but a hero, a veteran."

The corners of Jimin's lips turn up just slightly as he looks out the windows once more. "For us and for Everland, huh?"

Though he can't see you, you nod. "Everland is the happiest place on what's left of planet earth," you say, causing Jimin's head to whip toward you. "Yeah," you say. "It's a place even better than our advanced society right here. Everyone is equal in Everland too, but you get many more benefits. The skies are this rich, azure blue and the clouds are so fluffy, they say they emulate the sweetest cotton candy. The people there are veterans like you. I can guarantee you that everyone is respected and well-understood. Every home unit has enormous windows that let the sunlight warm up the buildings. The food there is fresh, nurtured straight out of the soil and hand-picked by the dwellers. It's beautiful there because it's spring, all year long..." you trail off.

Jimin stares at you, lips parted and eyes glossy, no doubt daydreaming about this Utopian place just like you are. "Beautiful..." he mutters under his breath. It's like he wants to ingrain this wonderful scene he had painted of Everland in his head, to recite it to himself every so often before his transport.

You sit back, hand still intertwined in his as you let Jimin lose himself in his reverie. It's several minutes later when Jimin finally jolts from his seat, turning to you with an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry," he says. "I zoned out."

"No worries," you tell him. "We all do when we think of Everland."

Jimin hums, squeezing your hand, turning to you with the best of his ability (which was how well his chair would let him). "Do you have a partner, Y/N?"

The rather personal question makes you raise your eyebrows in shock, but you quickly make up for it with a small, stifled laugh. Normally, your patients like it when you tell them fantasy stories or when you listen to them talk about their whole life. They very rarely ask about you.

"Uh, yeah, Jimin," you say. "I have an assigned partner."

"What's he like? When were you assigned to him? Do you love him?"

When you raise another shocked eyebrow, Jimin squirms in his seat, releasing your hand. "Sorry... I-I wasn't trying to be... um, invasive. I'm just... I'm being transported before I get my partner. Having one was one of my dreams since I was little. You know, having my very own family unit to come home to after work..." he trails off. "Please, tell me everything about it."

How can you say no to that?

"Don't worry," you smile warmly. "You can ask all the questions you want—I can't guarantee a good answer, though."

"That's fine, Y/N."

"Well then, hmm..." you say. "Um, his name is Jungkook. I'll start with that. Tall, handsome, ungodly fit... Kind, too." You pause, searching for the look of approval on Jimin's face; he looks like he's in bliss, so you continue. "Sometimes, he acts like my assigned mother, you know, nagging at me to take care of myself and being concerned about everything I do... But, at the end of the day, he's my best friend. He tells me not to overwork myself and he tries to take me on dates when they're due. Then he always makes sure I'm back home before curfew. He knows how I let time fly past me at work," you laugh. "Jungkook's a beautiful soul. I'm really lucky to have been assigned to him. It's been about three years, and I can't say I have any complaints, really."

"Do you love him?"

The question catches you off guard. You look at Jimin, who looks so hopeful, so attached to your assigned relationship—as if it were as precious as his own. With that look on his face, you don't know what kind of monster you would have to be to tear that fantasy apart. Your assigned partner is the last relationship Jimin will hear of, the one that will be embedded in his memories when he is transported. It's your job to take care of Jimin. And it's your job to support him emotionally.

You know the answer to that question. You've known it for a while, and for the longest time, you always thought (or hoped) it would change. It never did.

You're not even completely sure what love is, at this point, though the Council had drilled the definition of it in you since you were a little girl. You're supposed to love your assigned partner, so in a way, you feel like you've failed them.

But you let out a shaky breath, catching Jimin's eyes as you beam. "Yes, I love him."

It's a lie.

Usually, you're given one patient to work with at a time; the Council knows to give you some well-deserved lax time. But never have you gotten two patients. Jimin's transport wasn't scheduled for another two weeks, yet they're taking you to meet a second patient today.

You're not that bothered by the news—not as bothered as Jungkook, anyway. You know he's always wanted to lounge around in bed, watching authorized movies and cooking homemade breakfast together. But you insist that you need to take your assigned career seriously.

He can't argue much after that.

You've said your goodbyes to Jimin earlier that day, had a quick snack and waited. And waited. and waited.

The first meeting with a new patient always makes you feel so jittery. You don't know this person at all—you're to never have any personal connections with them. So you always have to figure out their conditions yourself. It's always one of three things: mentally disabled, physically disabled or older in age. At first glance, it's always easy to tell which the patient is.

The patient is always nervous too, glancing at you anxiously, wondering if you would take good care of them as the Council had promised. There's some pressure to make the best impression. Your white lab coat tends to make your patients uneasy, so one day you 'lost' it in the laundry and never wore it again. A fuzzy sweater or a modest t-shirt with jeans usually does the trick.

You straighten out your t-shirt for the hundredth time, checking to see if it was tucked in your jeans correctly and fixing your hair too. Sometimes, you think you probably feel more nervous to meet your new patient than the patient. After all, you'll have to spend as much as time (or more) with this person as with your assigned partner.

When the door to the hospital room opens, you stand up immediately, ready to greet your patient and assistant, Taehyung, who always introduces you to your new patients. But you're greeted with something you're not quite ready for.

"Don't fucking touch me," a menacing voice snarls. The owner of this voice is a rather lean man with messy blonde hair. He practically slaps Taehyung for holding onto his elbow, and even the always-happy Taehyung looks miserable.

You quickly scan the patient with your eyes. Normally, your discernment is quick, but this time, it's hard. Immediately, you're able to rule out old age. If there was a physical disability, it wasn't obvious. You're leaning towards mental disability, though you also get a feeling that it's really not. You're stumped, but you try not to show it.

Besides, your patient already sounds really irritated.

"Hey, Taehyung," you say, offering your assistant a smile. "Who's our lovely patient?"

The patient dramatically rolls his eyes, aggressively pulling away from Taehyung's grip. "Min Yoongi."

"Yoongi!" you say with a happy smile, though you're very much aware that this Min Yoongi is anything but happy. "Come on into your new room! Nice to meet you. I'm Y/N. I'll be your nurse until your transport in several weeks. You turn to Taehyung, nodding. "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem. Good luck," Taehyung says before hurrying away.

It's possible that Taehyung's busy and that's the reason behind his sprint away from you and the new patient, but something tells you that it's something else. And that 'good luck' sounded more like a warning than a cheerful goodbye.

Your eyes meet with Yoongi's. They're hard, black and cold. Almost like they can pierce through your soul.

"So, Yoongi," you say, "are you excited about going to Everland?"

It's the best way to start off the first conversation with any patient. They enjoy talking about Everland—and if they don't know much about it, they beg for you to tell. It works every time.

Except not today.

Yoongi scoffs, collapsing on his hospital bed as he turns to face you, cocking his head haughtily. "Why would I be excited?" He sounds like he's accusing you of spreading false lies.

But you don't back down. "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe excited isn't the right word. I guess I meant you're looking forward to it?"

"No, I'm dreading it. Terrified. Fucking disgusted and filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation."

"W-What?"

"Whatever. Just leave, Y/N. Come back when it's time for me to be 'transported' or whatever the shit the Council calls this."

Never have you dealt with a rude patient. They're all usually very understanding and kind and most of all, respectful. You're taken aback, but you're not one to say no to a challenge.

"Yoongi, do you need someone to talk to?" you ask in your softest voice. "Hey, I'll listen to anything. Really. If you're that 'filled to the brim with overflowing trepidation,' then you can tell me. I'll listen."

"What makes you think I trust you?" It's another challenge, the way he utters it. Yoongi crosses his arms over his chest and raises a daring eyebrow at you.

You swallow your pride, keeping an unfazed, neutral look on your face. "Everything you tell me here, stays in here, Yoongi. You have my word."

"You could be lying through your teeth right now," Yoongi snorts. "Could you be any more artificial? You're giving me a headache, all right? If you're going to be so ersatz with your emotions, I reckon you leave."

Me? Give him a headache?? And not the other way around???

You've had enough.

"I don't think you want me to leave," you say slowly and firmly, crossing your arms and staying rooted to your spot.

"And why would you think that?" Yoongi cocks his head, his bangs falling over his eyes as he does so. He makes no effort to sweep it away. For some reason, that ticks you off even more.

"Loneliness," you say. "You'll get sick of being cramped up and alone in this white-walled room. The only artificial thing here would be the lights—and trust me when I say if you stay here alone, you can say goodbye to natural sunlight until your transport. If you claim that you don't find loneliness even in the tiniest bit of solitude, then I think I might have to ask you to leave for being... what was it again? Ersatz with your emotions."

You haven't left eye contact with the patient.

And you start to become jittery again when complete silence follows after your passive-aggressive speech.

Until: "Damn. Didn't think you had that in you."

"What?"

"I have to give you credit for that," Yoongi shrugs. "Maybe you won't be completely annoying after all. Maybe you'll be bearable."

You let out air through your nose. "Thanks?" You shake your head in disbelief as you sit next to him on his bed.

"You're welcome, I guess."

A small giggle escapes from your lips, then a louder laugh.

Yoongi looks at you as if you sprouted devil horns on your head.

"Sorry—" you manage to say in between giggles—"if the Council saw me being this mean, I'd have to say goodbye to my job."

"You call that being mean?" It's Yoongi who laughs this time. "You're going to have a hell of a time with me, then."

You leave your home unit early for the first time—without Jungkook having to shake you awake—to buy some snacks for your patients. (Though you know Jimin's favorite foods, you end up having to take a wild guess for Yoongi.)

Jimin had made you promise to meet you as early as your schedule allowed it. You don't mind. Hanging out with Jimin is relaxing, especially because he lets you blabber on and on about your personal life. Today, he wants to hear about your assigned career.

"The Council assigned me as a patroller, you know," Jimin says, leaning back proudly in his wheelchair. "I would've been a hell of a good one too... If it weren't for the infection." He sighs, staring at his foot with scrutiny. "It's okay," he shrugs. "What about your career?"

"Hm," you say, looking outside the window where the morning sunshine catches your eye. "Well..." you hum, voice soft and eyes glazed over. "I'm a nurse." Jimin waits for you to continue. "But I have to admit, I didn't really like my assigned career at first. Why be a nurse when you can be a doctor, a surgeon, perhaps?" You give Jimin a small smile. "As a little girl, I always wanted to be in that operating room, you know, operating and saving lives."

"That's honorable, Y/N." Jimin gives you an approving nod, placing his hand on yours to tell you to proceed.

"But I guess the Council thought I'd be a better nurse," you say. "And now, I think they're right. I mean, they always are. Besides, I wouldn't last two seconds in a cold, quiet operation room. I need to talk to people, you know? Take care of them, tell them stories, help them transport. I think I value the presence of people, along with their happiness." You shrug. "I dunno. I do dare say that I'm pretty good at making people happy."

Jimin laughs softly. "There's no other career that would've fit you better." He turns his body fully so that he's facing you. "Y/N, I really don't say this often, but I'm glad you're my nurse. Thank you." Jimin looks deeply into your eyes, something he only does when he's extremely serious. "Hey," he whispers, "I just want you to know that I'm not scared. Everland will be as wonderful as you've always told me. I trust you. And I know I'm in great hands."

He squeezes your interlocked hands for emphasis. "For us and for Everland, yeah?"

"Have you obtained a serious eye infection?"

"N-No," you stutter, wiping your red eyes with the back of your sweater. You quickly set down some snacks on Yoongi's bed and avert your eyes away from him. "I just..."

"Oh," Yoongi says, clapping his hands together. "You've been crying!" he accuses, pointing at your face with a smug smirk. He looks like he could care less, yet he asks, "What happened?"

"It's really nothing," you sniff, sitting down on Yoongi's bed. "They're not sad tears, necessarily."

To your surprise, Yoongi laughs. You look at him with disapproval. "I'm sorry!" he snorts between giggles, "but you wouldn't know 'sadness' if it socked you in the face!" Upon seeing your puzzled expression, he sighs. "Whatever."

Yoongi doesn't push the topic, which is very much like him. You don't mind. It's not like you want to explain crying in front of Jimin, your patient. Jimin has a strange way of making you feel special. And special's a word no one's allowed to be in Tagna—because specialness is the cause of discrimination. But you think specialness makes you feel valuable.

"So," Yoongi starts, tilting his head to look at your curiously, "why are you here?"

This time, you're the one to laugh. "I'm your nurse! I'm supposed to look after you before your transport. You know, talk to you, answer your questions, tell you about Everland."

"Doesn't sound very crucial to me."

Yoongi has a habit of being very, very candid. You tend to mistake his honesty for rudeness, but after a while, you've come to appreciate the truthfulness. He brings out a fun, slightly meaner side of you that nobody else but Yoongi would approve of. You hate to admit it, but you like it.

"Fine then," you say. "What do you suggest we do?"

"I don't know. What do you do with people you know? Not including those in your career unit."

"We..." you trail off, a frown settling on your face. "I don't know any people outside my career unit," you admit. "I mean, unless you count my assigned partner. But then again, I always talk about work with him too." You gasp. "I don't think I have actual friends!"

"Good," he says, which makes you look at him with incredulity. He laughs at your expression, a genuine laugh in which his eyes sparkle with mirth and his lips are tugged into a rather snarky smile. But it's a smile nevertheless. "It's fine, Y/N. 'Cause me too. We can be each other's friends."

"Really? But wouldn't you technically be a career-related friend?"

"But are we going to talk about career-related things?" He gives you a look. "I believe I told you I'm not the least bit interested in Everland. Nor do I care even the tiniest bit how to get there. I surely don't have any inquiries regarding the transport. I'm pretty sure you won't have to worry about being a nurse around me... Though I'll probably appreciate the snacks." Yoongi pauses to rip open a bag of gummy bears. He grins. "My favorite. How'd you guess?"

"I had a hunch." You smile proudly, taking a mental note to buy some more gummy bears for Yoongi in the future. "But wait a minute," you say. "You really want me to be your friend?"

"Definitely not a nurse," Yoongi says. "I can take care of myself, thank you. But you were right. I'd die of boredom if I'm alone. That's where you can step in as a friend." He winks, sorting out the green gummy bears from the other variegated colors and popping one in his mouth. He offers you a red gummy bear.

How'd he guess? You smile, shaking your head as you take his offer. My favorite.

Jimin and Yoongi are polar opposites. If one man is gentle, sensitive and kind, the other is brash, rather presumptuous and most of all, pedantic. It's obvious who is who.

But you're not one to pick favorites. A patient is a patient no matter who they are—at least you try to think so. Your end goal is to make sure you're there for them before they're transported to the all-so-magical Everland. Granted, one acts like your friend and the other, your patient.

Jimin likes to ask you a lot of questions, whether it's an inquiry about Everland or questions about your personal life. He's made you repeat the details of Everland so many times, you're sure he already has everything memorized. But he still asks.

On the other hand, Yoongi doesn't bother to ask questions at all. As a man of his word, he proved from early on that he had no interest whatsoever in Everland or assigned partners or assigned careers or assigned anything. You're starting to wonder if he has any interests at all. In fact, come to think of it, you're not even sure if he's ever left his hospital room.

"Oh, this place reeks," you tease, waving your hand in front of your nose. You toss Yoongi a bag of gummy bears and plop down on the bed next to him. "Do you ever leave the room?"

The man laughs, reaching for the snack. "I don't leave the bed."

You scrunch your nose. "Ew." Yoongi shoves four green gummy bears into his mouth, and you watch with a mixture of disgust and pity. "We need to get you out of here."

"Out of the hospital?" Yoongi asks with a mouthful of gummy bears.

"No, just out of this room," you say. "I mean, you might die from a kidney disease before being transported. Imagine that, the first man in decades to die in Tagna—in this day and age with advanced medicine and technology!"

Yoongi scoffs. "Whatever. Fine, let's get out of here. Not like there's anything better to do outside, though."

"We can get ice cream in the cafeteria," you offer. "And argue about the right way to cut up a sandwich again."

"You monster, you're supposed to cut it in triangles!"

"Yeah, says the one who puts the milk first, then the cereal!"

The bickering continues until you're seated in the hospital cafeteria. By that time, both of you are too tired to carry on with the arguing. So there's a bit of silence as you and Yoongi feast on your ice cream scooped onto large sugar cones. You went for plain vanilla, but Yoongi opted for the most sugary flavor: butterscotch dutch fudge nut with diced marshmallows and a caramel drizzle.

You swear he might get diabetes before his transport if he keeps this up. Maybe you should bring him some healthy snacks next time—kale, avocados, spinach. They're green, just like how he likes his gummy bears, so maybe he'll listen to you and finally have a salutary diet.

But instead of being able to convince Yoongi to start the habit of healthy eating, it all spirals down into another debate.

"It's CAR-amel," you insist.

"CARE-amel," Yoongi retorts, shaking his head. "We've been quarreling for the past hour, Y/N. Aren't you getting tired of it? I've never argued this much in my entire life!"

"But what if that's how this 'friend' thing works?" you say. "Actual friends care so much they disagree on every little detail."

"Then it's very tiring to have friends," Yoongi sighs, taking a depressing lick of the lump of sugar on a cone.

"I agree." A pause. "Did you ever have friends, though?"

Yoongi snorts. "Actually, contrary to popular belief, I did. But that was before I got myself into this mess."

"Mess??"

He shrugs the question off, countering it with another question of his own. "Did you have any friends?"

You tilt your head, but figure it's best to let Yoongi have some space. "Um, yeah. I guess I was pretty well-known in my year. Now I don't really have time for that. Work," you sigh. "But I still enjoy what I do."

"I know you do. You're a good friend, and though I wouldn't know, an amazing nurse," Yoongi grins, shrugging so nonchalantly that you almost miss the complimenting tone of his voice.

You grin back. It had taken you a bit to coax the sweetness out of his cold and collected demeanor, but once revealed, Yoongi could almost parallel Jimin's amenity. "What about you? Did you like what you did before you were chosen to be transported?"

Yoongi's smile disappears in the blink of an eye, a sour frown replacing it. "Not exactly." His stone-cold voice is a sign for you to change the topic, but he continues to speak. "I was good at my career. Liked it at first, too. But I'm a rare mistake, I suppose. Maybe I had some traits within me that the Council didn't catch, or maybe I changed as an adult. The Council deemed my career as a mismatch."

A mismatch... You always thought that was a myth—assigned careers never failed. The Council never made mistakes. You can't even fathom the amount of disappointment that Yoongi probably had felt when realizing his assigned career was a mismatch. "I'm so sorry," you say. "Do you mind if I ask what career unit you were in?"

Yoongi hesitates for so long, you start to think you've crossed the line. But then: "Unit 38. I was in unit 38." He clears his throat and watches carefully for your reaction.

Your eyes widen and your mouth opens, shuts, then opens again. "38?? That's my unit!" you say. "How come I've never seen you before?"

He crosses his legs, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I suppose I was in the more secluded area of the hospital."

Though you want him to elaborate, Yoongi's uneasy fidgeting sets you off. You're here to make him feel safe, comfortable. As much as you're insanely curious now that Yoongi's avoiding the subject, you shrug. "Oh, that's interesting... Wanna talk about something else?"

When Yoongi shoots you a grateful look, you actually feel glad for changing the topic. It was the right thing to do. As to sate your curiosity...

I'll just ask Jungkook about him later.

"Hey, Jungkook?" you whisper, testing the waters, trying to tell if the suppressant already brought your assigned partner to a deep slumber. You turn around on the bed to face him, and you're glad when he turns around as well.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Do you know anyone of the name Min Yoongi?" you ask hopefully.

Jungkook crinkles his brows in thought. "Min Yoongi?" he mutters to himself. "Min Yoongi..." He gives you an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, the name doesn't ring a bell."

"It's fine," you sigh, lying fully on your back now and staring up at the dark ceiling. "I just think it's strange the Council would assign me a patient who worked in the same unit as me."

"Really?" Jungkook murmurs. "Unit 38? Why don't we know him?" he asks, tiredness laced into his tone. "Are you sure you heard him right, sweetie?"

"I'm sure," you say. "He did say he worked in the more secluded part of the hospital... And I thought we were in the most secluded area."

Jungkook laughs softly, moving to place his hand on top of yours. "Why don't you just ask him about the details?"

"I didn't want to push him into explaining something he's uncomfortable with," you say. "I'm sorry... I'm keeping you up with all of this, aren't I? You're tired. It's past curfew." You glance over at the digital clock you keep beside the bed. The red, glowing light flashes 2245 hours. It's pretty late.

"It's okay," Jungkook says. "You don't have to be sorry, Y/N," he laughs, but it comes out dry and forced. You can practically feel the worried look on his face. "You took the suppressant today, right?"

"Never gone a day without one," you reply. "You know they don't work on me as well as they work on others..."

"Sweetie, you should tell the Council. I don't want you to get in trouble for acting out of line," Jungkook sighs but it morphs into a wide yawn. "See?" he murmurs sleepily. "Mine works fine."

You stay silent, watching blankly as your assigned partner's eyes flutter shut. Soon, his breathing becomes even, his chest rising and falling steadily. He's asleep, just like that.

The suppressant does a number of things—or, at least, it's supposed to. The Council keeps the full effects of it private, and the only citizens who are aware of the details are the specialists who designed it. It's uniquely engineered to help the average citizen fall asleep an hour after curfew only to wake him up at 0700 hours every morning. Except on Sundays, it's 0800. Every citizen must take one suppressant—a small, white, tasteless pill—every day before he leaves his home unit at precisely 0845 to get to his career or school by 0900 hours.

Untimeliness is definitely not tolerated.

Which is a proven hassle for you. The suppressant doesn't affect you in the same way it does others. You're always waking up and sleeping later than others. Back when you were in school, you'd always be late for your classes. The Council generously took that into account before they assigned your career, though—but not before they scolded you for being tardy to the career ceremony.

Compared to other careers, nurses have a more lenient call time. It works out in your favor because if it weren't for Jungkook, you'd show up to work three hours late daily.

The clock flashes an angry 2300, but you're still not tired.

At least tomorrow is Sunday. Usually, it's the day off for every citizen in Tagna. Jungkook probably wants you to spend the day with him...

But it won't hurt to visit the hospital. Just for a few hours. To meet your new friend. Jungkook won't mind, right?

You smile to yourself. The thought makes you so excited, you aren't able to sleep until 0300.

It's routinely to visit Jimin before Yoongi.

Jimin is becoming increasingly nervous as the days of his departure to Everland are decreasing. He doesn't talk too often when you visit, but you know he finds your presence soothing.

But today, it's eerily silent.

"You okay?" you whisper.

He nods but offers you no words.

"You're worried, Jimin. Trust me, it'll calm your nerves to talk to me. What's got you anxious?"

He looks down at his foot, avoiding eye contact. You let him stall as he collects his thoughts. Then, in the smallest voice: "I... I don't like injections," he squeaks.

"Hey, hey, it doesn't hurt one bit," you say, wrapping a comforting arm around him. "I would know, Jimin. Trust me."

"I don't know," he sighs, fidgeting his hands. "The needle just—" he chokes over his words, shaking his head in shame. "The last time I got an injection, they took away my leg. I'm scared, Y/N. What if I get to Everland without my good leg too? What if they take away all of my limbs?"

Once in a while, you get a patient who's slightly nervous about the injection, but never have you dealt with something as serious as this. "Jimin... The transport isn't a surgery," you say softly. "It puts you to a peaceful sleep so you can be transported safely. It won't hurt one bit. And you definitely won't lose any limbs. You're in safe hands."

Jimin nods, but he looks fragile, back hunched and eyes shaking. It's hard for you to see him in this state. You wish you can do more for him—more than telling him tales of Everland and bringing him snacks and giving him intangible support.

You want to show him Everland.

But how can you? You don't even know where it is.

"You look like you ate dog shit."

You've been waiting for this moment the whole day—you missed the grouchy man and his candid words.

"Hello to you too," you say, wearily plopping down on Yoongi's bed as he shifts to make space.

"Where's your chipper smile today, Y/N?" Yoongi says. If you didn't know any better, you'd think he's worried about you. But he covers it up well with a: "Your frown is very hideous, by the way."

"Thank you."

"No, I mean, I meant to ask, what happened? You look completely miserable."

"It's confidential," you sigh. "You know, about my other patient..."

"What are the fucktards going to do about it when you tell me?" Yoongi snorts. At your appalled face he clarifies, "By fucktards, I mean the members of the Council."

"Yoongi!"

"It's not like they're going to find out," Yoongi shrugs. "Is this other patient giving you a hard time?"

"They could take away my job," you protest.

"Yeah, only if they find out."

"That's true..."

"So?" Yoongi says. "Are you going to elaborate?"

You pretend to think. "Okay, maybe..." You nod. "Yeah, okay. But I have nothing against Jimin, you know, the patient. He's an absolute sweetheart," you say. "Which is the whole problem. He has such big hopes for Everland. And I keep feeding him all of this paradisiacal information, but it's not enough! I want to help him, I want to tell him what Everland's really like, but how can I? How can I speak about something so highly when I've only lived through it vicariously? Oh god, I tell him things he wants to hear, but technically, I'm lying to his face." You pause for breath. "I'm a liar! But he listens to me! He trusts me! I can't bear the thought of him coming face to face with Everland and realizing it's nothing like what I told him it would be! He'd be broken!"

You can't lie, it feels good to let out everything that had stacked up over the past several days.

"Everland is wonderful. I don't want to doubt that. But what if it's not wonderful enough for Jimin? He's different from my other patients, you know? He needs so much more reassuring and love and care... Sometimes I don't think I can give him the best. Should I resign? I can't keep doing this to him. I'll practically die of guilt! Imagine that—in our day and time—a citizen passing away from something incurable! Bullshit!"

"It is bullshit," Yoongi agrees with you right away. "But I think it'll be fine, Y/N. You don't need to resign. And you definitely don't have to worry. You really don't have to." He stares at the floor with a frown etched deeply on his face. "It'll be fine."

"Really?"

The man nods slowly but surely. You can tell he's choosing his next words wisely, which is something he normally doesn't do. Yoongi is a man of rapid-fire and quick reactions. He's prone to blurt out whatever's on his mind. This is the first time you see him be so attuned to your emotions. Maybe he's trying to think of words that'll help you calm down.

"Everland will be unimaginably peaceful," he says, finally looking at you. His dark eyes show no flicker nor hint of playful teasing. He's serious. "Jimin will like it there."

Something about the way he says it makes you believe him.

Mondays are days when you always end up behind schedule. Your body likes to throw away its natural alarm clock out the window Sunday night, so you tend to accidentally sleep in the next day.

Jungkook usually tries to wake you up for work, but half of the time, you don't budge, so he leaves a kiss on your cheek and leaves for his job. The sequence is always vague in your memories.

Curse your immunity to the suppressant.

It's really no surprise when you show up to your job an hour late. You might've also made a little stop to the convenience store for some snacks. Of course, not for you, but for your patients.

Jimin's already waiting for you patiently on his bed. He thankfully doesn't ask any questions when you walk in a bit breathlessly, handing him a bag of his favorite chips.

You plop down on his bed, wiping away the beads of sweat that had accumulated on your forehead. "I'm so sorry, Jimin," you wheeze. "You must've been up for hours. I apologize for making you wait."

Jimin giggles, shaking his head. "What are you talking about, Y/N? I woke up a few minutes ago. Around 1005 hours? You're right on time!"

If he's lying to make you feel better, he's doing a good job at it.

"I don't get a daily suppressant anymore," Jimin confesses. "I'm awake when everyone's asleep and sometimes, I'm asleep when everyone is awake. Sometimes I can't sleep." He sighs, fingers wrapping around the chip bag. "That never used to happen when I took the suppressant."

He sounds lonely. As if the whole world was excluding him from vibrant, festive affairs.

You're supposed to be his solace, but you can't help but say, "Why don't they give you the suppressant?"

"I've asked," Jimin says. "But of course they don't answer. Just some grunts and mumbles that I can barely comprehend."

"That's not very nice of them," you say. "How about this? I promise I'll visit you more often if you're lonely. And to make you feel better, how about I talk about Everland again?"

Jimin nods hopefully, his eyes lighting. You want the best for him, but sometimes, there's not much you can offer him—except your words.

Yoongi is different. He doesn't want your buttered up, sugar-coated words. He doesn't live behind the curtain of fantasy. He lives in reality. Maybe even a bit more than you do.

"The suppressant tends to mess up the injection. Makes the process longer," Yoongi says casually. He rips open the bag of gummy bears. "Which is exactly why they're not given to patients. Why do you ask?"

"No, it's just..." How does he know that? "Jimin wants to take it again."

"Why would he?" Yoongi scoffs. "I always hated waking up early. Now I can sleep through the whole day and night."

"He's lonely."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. He was well-known before he was moved to the hospital. He misses the social life, I think."

Yoongi doesn't answer for a long time after that. When you finally look over at him, you find him staring into his hands with a conflicted look on his face.

"You okay?" you ask, reaching out and putting a hand on his by habit.

The contact makes Yoongi flinch, but he nods. "I'm always okay, Y/N. Why bothering asking?" He grins. His hand feels warm under yours and you make a move to hold it. But he jerks away. "Anyways, you should be going now, right? Time to get my beauty sleep, you know."

You're shocked, leaving his room feeling utterly rejected.

He'd never even told you goodbye.

If the Council finds out you're pulling a disobedient stunt like this, they might just shove you in the jailhouse for eternity. Then you'll be stripped from your career, home unit and assigned partner.

All your life, though, you've been known as the obedient one. If the Council told you to end your service as a nurse by jumping off a bridge, you'd do it.

But sometimes, you suppose you need to take drastic measures.

Your heart thumps loudly in your chest and your palms feel irritatingly clammy in your jacket pocket where a ziplock bag stays stowed away from sight. Every step towards the hospital fills you with dread—it's another step you've survived without having a Council member catch you in the act.

Maybe this is a bad idea. What if they can check your vitals? That would give away the fact that you had neglected to take your suppressant this morning. The white pill sits snugly in the ziplock bag in your jacket pocket.

The plan is simple. You will walk into the hospital like nothing is wrong. You will walk straight into Jimin's room and hand him the suppressant. He will take the pill. It can't be that hard.

Both of you had developed this plan over the course of a week. It would've taken less time to execute it too if you hadn't chickened out three days in a row.

It mostly terrified you that once started, this little illicit project would last until Jimin's transport. It freaked you out even more that the whole thing was a secret between you and Jimin.

You can't credit this idea to yourself, but it wasn't exactly Jimin's either. Both of you had hinted at it, and in the end, it had been officially addressed. So, you can't blame anyone if it fails drastically.

The suppressant has been around for decades. No one in Tagna has lived without taking them for a very, very long time. The Council likes to hint that before the suppressant entered the human body system, humans were fickle, sexual and undeserving beings. You don't think you'll revert back to that, per se.

But you're wary of the possible side effects.

You always told yourself you'd never show favoritism among your patients. But here you are. Sacrificing your suppressant for Jimin. In your defense, he's something else. Someone that will forever be ingrained in your memories. He's the only person who deserves more than what Everland has to offer. Because Everland surely doesn't restore back missing limbs. And that's what Jimin deserves.

Come to think of it, there's a crazy synergy between you and your patients for some reason. Even Yoongi... He understands you in a way no one else has before. Talking to him feels natural, effortlessly easy and fun, too. Maybe it's because he had worked in your career unit—as the Council says, compatibility rates skyrockets amongst those in the same career unit. Or maybe, just maybe, he should've been your assigned partner. Maybe you're a mismatch with Jungkook.

And judging by the way you feel around your assigned partner, you think it might be true. Doesn't easy communication and having fun around someone mean you love them? Isn't that what love is? Isn't that what defines a deep attraction?

But then again, the last time you'd tried to hold Yoongi's hand—which hadn't been a romantic gesture at all—he had tugged away. Ever since that incident, you've been refraining yourself from lightly touching his shoulder or reassuringly holding his hand. Yet if Yoongi had felt awkward from that encounter, he didn't show it.

Now it's been five days since you've stopped taking your suppressant. Ever since the third day, you haven't felt guilty about it anymore. It almost feels natural not to take the pill at this point.

Jimin's been noticeably happier these days as a result. He has two days before his transport, but he's showing no symptoms of intense nervousness. The suppressant seems to be doing wonders for his condition.

That finally puts you at peace.

And regarding the little warning that Yoongi had given you? The one about how taking the suppressant would make Jimin's transport take longer? Jimin didn't mind.

He told you he'd rather be happy, that he didn't mind the wait. It was all it took for you to authorize the plan.

And now look where things are. It's going great.

This is peculiar.

You have no idea when it started, or how it started, or why it started, but you've been noticing the smallest details about Yoongi. The way he eats, the manner in which he talks, the slightly sarcastic tone to his voice when he argues with you... You may not have noticed them before, but you see them now. And it's endearing.

He's endearing.

Every time he smiles at you, your heart beats a little faster and you feel the heat rushing through your face. You can't quite say it's a good feeling per se, but you know it's special. When his hair falls over his eyes, you always have the urge to reach out and fix it for him. You can't even get him out of your head.

You've never experienced anything like this before. You can't exactly say you hate it, but you're not sure if you like it either.

"Hey, Yoongs?" you whisper. Yoongi glances up from reading his latest book you provided him. It's a cheesy romance story and Yoongi openly made a ten-minute rant on why he hates romance, but you just think he's in denial that a little romance is actually really addicting.

"Hm?" he hums.

You're silent, admiring his face before the words tumble out of your mouth. "Did you ever have an assigned partner?"

Yoongi raises his eyebrows. "Oh?" He smirks. "Why are you interested?"

You flush bright pink. "Why can't I just ask a question without having to deal with a deflected inquiry?"

"Because I like being difficult."

"Clearly."

"But to answer your rather invasive question, yes, I had an assigned partner," Yoongi says. "But it was a mismatch. Lovely."

You gape at him. "The Council mismatched your partner and career??"

"Technically, they mismatched my home unit too," Yoongi scoffs. "They failed me, you know. Don't trust those fucktards."

"Maybe you changed drastically during your transition to adulthood?" you reason. "The Council just doesn't make mistakes!"

Yoongi laughs out loud. "Oh, they make a lot of mistakes. Trust me."

Trust me. It's a lot coming from someone you've known for less than a month. You grew up with the Council supporting you, watching you grow, nurturing you and treating you like you were their own daughter. You can't just throw away your trust in the Council because someone you're fond of says so.

"Mistakes? What other errors could there possibly be?" you say doubtfully.

"They should've made their system foolproof," Yoongi laughs. "They should've put a chip in everyone's arm to check their vitals. Now there's no way of finding out who's not taking their suppressant."

You freeze.

Did he know??

"You mean there's barely a difference in action between those who take the suppressant and those who don't?" you ask.

"No, there are a few differences," Yoongi shrugs. "Only a suppressant developer would know, though. Say, Y/N," he smiles, shutting his book and showing you the cover. "Do you know what love is?"

"Love?" you say, raising your eyebrows. "What do you mean? Of course I know."

"You mean you trust the definition of love that the Council gave you."

"Yes? Why wouldn't I? Love. Noun or verb. A deep attraction. Or to feel a romantic connection with someone." The definition slips off your lips easily after years and years of repeating in your head and out loud.

"And," Yoongi drags on, "how do you know you feel a deep attraction to or a romantic connection with someone?"

"If you communicate naturally together? And uh, have fun together?" you say, but it sounds more like a question than a sure statement. You sigh, "Maybe I don't know what love is."

It feels horrible admitting it out loud.

"Maybe because I don't know what it is, I can't seem to love my assigned partner," you say. "That makes sense, right?"

Yoongi laughs. "Love isn't something anyone can control. That includes the Council." He laughs again, casually tossing his book across the room. You gasp when it lands in the trash can. "Every single fucking 'romance' book here is fake—ersatz, if you will."

"What the hell do you mean?" you say, frowning as you try to stand up to retrieve the book.

But Yoongi grabs your arm and you freeze once more. You turn your face the other way as your cheeks start to feel warm.

"Love is something you find for yourself," he says. "Arranged partnerships, forced partnerships, assigned partnerships—whatever the books say—it's not supposed to work. You're supposed to feel something when you're in love. You're supposed to feel bothered. And sometimes, you'll feel a little too warm for your liking. Your stomach will feel weird. Kinda like there are butterflies flying about inside it. You're supposed to care for the person you love, be their friend, their listener. Sometimes, you'll feel like you want to touch them—sexual attraction. You love them so much, you want to know every inch of them—physically and mentally..." Yoongi trails off. "Of course, the suppressant suppresses all of those feelings."

"Oh." It's the only thing you can manage to mutter. How can you say anything else when Yoongi just described almost everything you felt about him?

It explains so much too.

Why so suddenly you'd been feeling so heated around Yoongi. It's most likely you loved him before you stopped taking the suppressant. But it was only revealed after.

"Oh?" Yoongi says.

"I-I don't know," you say, flustered. "All my life... All my life I thought I was supposed to love my assigned partner. But I don't now... And I... I think I love someone else."

Yoongi smiles, cocking his head so that a bit of his bangs fall over his eyes. "Are you sure?"

You mirror his smile. "Yeah," you murmur, taking a deep breath before using all of your willpower to lean in and sweep Yoongi's bangs off to the side. "I'm sure."

"Good," Yoongi says. "So, do tell. Why have you stopped taking the suppressant?"

He's extremely close to you. So much so, when he speaks, you can feel the warmth of his breath on your cheeks. You barely have the capacity to be surprised.

"I... um, I thought I was immune to it," you answer back in a hushed whisper. "So I didn't think it would change anything if I uh, stopped taking it," you lie. "But it was suppressing me and I didn't even know it."

"Still, you feel it now, right?" Yoongi says. "The butterflies in your stomach?"

Butterflies. What a weird way to describe the fluttering sensation rising up your middle to your chest. But you like it.

"Right now?" you say, raising an eyebrow.

Yoongi grins. "I don't know why, but we're attracted to each other, Y/N. Love has a strange way of connecting the people most far away."

"Wait, Yoongi—"

"Blushed cheeks, shy glances, playful touching... Y/N, I think I found out you love me before you did," Yoongi laughs, lying back on the bed triumphantly. "And then when I thought about it, I supposed you weren't too bad. That's when you started to plague my mind—in kind of a good way, too. It wasn't long until I realized I loved you back." Yoongi glances your way. "Am I going too fast? Do you need time to understand?"

"Um, yes!" you say. "Are you proposing that we love each other? But in an unconventional way? A way that the Council doesn't approve of?"

"The Council isn't the law, you know."

"You're right. They're higher than the law."

Yoongi snorts. "They tell you they are," he says. "I like to think that they're control freaks. It'll be fine. I get to escape to Everland or whatever the shit they call 'paradise' anyway."

"I don't even know what to say!"

"Yeah, me neither."

"What am I supposed to do? Believe you? Challenge the Council questions? Start taking the suppressant again?"

"Do whatever you want," Yoongi smiles. "That's how I ended up getting chosen to go to Everland."

"What do you mean?"

Yoongi suddenly leans in, making your breath hitch and the butterflies in your stomach spread their wings in rapid succession. A rippling motion undertakes your inner stomach. Instinctively, you reach out to the man in front of you, softly wrapping your hand around his wrist. He smiles, tugging you close—so close that your noses are almost touching.

"You'll find out if you want," Yoongi whispers. You can feel his warm breath on your lips. The sensation is new, foreign, but the intimacy pulls you in.

His lips finally meet yours in a quick, fleeting kiss so soft that if your whole face wasn't burning, you would've convinced yourself it hadn't happened. Yoongi leans away, looking confident in himself as he glances at you through the bangs that had fallen over his eyes again.

Your heart beats dangerously fast in your chest when your eyes meet his, goosebumps dotting your skin and your lips feeling unusually tingly.

"Do you believe me now?" Yoongi asks.

It's a hard question disguised with easy words. You find yourself struggling to answer, cheeks tinging pink as you look down at your feet.

Of course you want to believe Yoongi. But you can't throw away your belief in the Council and that was that.

Yoongi senses your hesitation and breaks the silence. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"How about this," he says. "Why don't you go back home to that mismatched assigned partner of yours and see for yourself?"

You hum. Maybe that is a good idea.

You suppose you'll have to see for yourself.

"Jungkook?" you whisper.

"Yes?" he answers in a similar, quiet tone. He grabs your hand from under the bed covers, drawing soft circles on the back of your hand with his thumb. "What do you want to ask this time?" There's a small, teasing lilt to his voice that almost makes you feel bad for planning on dropping such a difficult question on him. But you persist.

"Why do you love me?"

Jungkook momentarily pauses. "We're partners! Of course I love you!"

"No, no," you sigh, shaking your head. "But why. If we weren't assigned partners, would you still love me?"

There's a sudden shift in the covers as Jungkook turns to his side to face you. Judging by the frown etched on his face, he isn't a big fan of your question.

"The Council picked us to be partners, sweetie," he says. "I love you because we have easy communication and we have fun together."

"Is that all love is to you?"

"Do you want me to go ahead and define it, sweetie?" Jungkook asks. "I'm getting worried, Y/N. Why the sudden questions about love?"

"I-I'm sorry..." you say. "But just... don't you feel something? Love makes you feel something."

"Feel?" Jungkook shakes his head. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you constantly think of me throughout your day? Don't you feel the butterflies in your stomach? Don't you start blushing if I ever say something nice to you? Don't you want to touch me?"

Jungkook's frown deepens. "Why would I have butterflies in my stomach?" he says. "I don't think that would be healthy at all, sweetie. And I'm already touching you, see?" He holds up your intertwined hands.

He doesn't understand.

"Never mind..." you sigh, pulling your hand away from his. "I'll stop bothering you."

"No, explain, sweetie," Jungkook says. "You're not bothering me. I promise."

He will never understand. Not like Yoongi does, anyway. You stay silent, wishing that the suppressant will put Jungkook to sleep. It's better for people like him to stay ignorant.

But just as you thought the long silence indicated that Jungkook was asleep:

"Well, do you love me?" He sounds hopeful, but also so sure you're going to give him the answer he wants.

The question catches you off guard. You desperately want to say yes—to preserve a partnership and prevent Jungkook from pain and sorrow. But maybe it's better for you to tell him the truth. You can't continue what you have with Yoongi when you have an assigned partner. It pains you to say but—

"I don't love you."

"W-What?"

"We're a mismatch, Jungkook. Let's go to the Council tomorrow and file a split."

This is possibly the worst day to proceed with the procedure.

Things have been hectic with the Council pulling you out of your home unit to separate you and Jungkook. Things have been awkward. Jungkook probably doesn't want to speak to you ever again. He's convinced that you broke his heart.

You're convinced that he never truly loved you to begin with.

Yoongi helps you explore a new kind of relationship. The one that sets fire to your insides and seals it with searing kisses. The one that's pretty distracting for your other daily activities.

Jimin sits patiently on the hospital bed with a blanket draped over his missing leg. "I'm excited, Y/N," he says. "Just think! In a few hours, I'll be there! In Everland..."

You nod, silently pulling on your latex gloves.

"I'm so happy, Y/N," Jimin says. "I've never been this happy in my whole life."

"You'll be happier in Everland," you reply, smiling. "You deserve it, Jimin."

"It's all thanks to you," he says. He suddenly sits up, looking at you solemnly. "But I'll miss you, you know that?"

"Oh, Jimin... I'll miss you too."

"Thank you," he says. "Really. For everything."

He's talking about the little suppressant plan. "No, thank you," you say. Jimin was the catalyst to you finally coming to your feelings, after all. "I wish you a safe transport."

When your assistant rolls in the familiar cart with your needed supplies, you can hear Jimin take a deep breath. He must've seen the syringe.

"It won't hurt," you promise, walking over to the cart and holding the syringe carefully. The needle glints in the air.

Jimin gulps. "F-For us and for Everland, right?"

"Right. Now, lie down, please," you say in your most soothing voice. "This is going to put you to sleep. Your mind will start to travel between dimensions to eventually reach Everland. If you want, you can close your eyes too."

You lean in to whisper in his ear, "The process might take longer... as you may know, but the delay won't be hours long, I hope."

Jimin nods. His eyes flutter close and you can tell he's trying to relax his body.

"That's it," you say. "Relax..."

You let Jimin take a few deep breaths. Then you hold out his arm. "Clench your fist for me, please."

Jimin does as you say. Once you can spot a vein on the upper forearm, you tell Jimin the needle will go in. He nods and does not respond, squeezing his eyes shut. Thankfully, his body stays relaxed as you begin to slowly push down on the plunger. You're almost done when Jimin starts to whimper.

He must be scared.

"Just a few more seconds, Jimin," you say. "You'll be fine..."

But his whimpering doesn't cease even after the needle is out of him. You wipe away excess blood with an alcohol swab quickly, pressing a clean cotton ball on his skin and using medical tape to secure it.

Jimin's still squeezing his eyes shut and you notice sweat accumulating on his forehead.

"Jimin?" you say. "It's over, Jimin. Are you okay?"

"I-It h-hurts," he whimpers. "P-Please, make it stop."

"Hurts?" you say. It's not supposed to hurt. No one ever said it hurt after. You don't want to panic; not when your patient is close to a panic attack.

"Please, Y/N," Jimin groans. His body starts to shake and his eyes open in the process. "I-It's hard to b-breathe—"

Your darkest nightmare unfolds before your eyes.

"He's hyperventilating!" you yell, no doubt frightening your assistants. "Jimin, do you hear me? Purse your lips, take a deep breath through your nose and let it out slowly through your lips, okay?? Do you hear me? Jimin??"

Jimin's leg jerks, nearly kicking you. His whole body begins to twitch; you watch in horror as foam starts to gather in his mouth. "Fuck, he's having a seizure! Get me a cushion!"

"Jimin, hang on!"

You turn his head to the side, guarding the edges of the hospital bed so he doesn't fall off. When your assistant hands you a cushion, you carefully place it under his head. "Oh, Jimin..."

All sorts of bad thoughts fly past you. What if he can't get to Everland because he took the suppressant? What if he will never find happiness again? What will happen when the Council finds out? Will they declare my career as a mismatch too?

Right now, all you can do is wait the seizure out. If he's unconscious afterward, it'll be one of two things: he's somehow transporting himself to Everland or he's in need of urgent care.

It's all your fault, it seems. If you hadn't agreed to such a fickle plan, you would never be in this state of agony. A minute flies by and Jimin falls asleep, limp and sweaty. His face is red and there's a puddle of spit with a mixture of vomit by his lips. You have to look away.

I'm so sorry, Jimin.

A new batch of assistants burst through the door and they start to roll the hospital bed away.

"Wait, where is he going?"

They don't answer you. Apparently, they're not your assistants.

"Is he going to Everland??" you try again.

They're silent.

"Is Jimin okay?"

One of them turns around to look at you. Her eyes are cold but she forges a small smile on her thin lips. "He is okay. The transport was successful. The Council has permitted you to go home early."

There is a relief that floods through you. But it feels cold.

You didn't even get to say your proper goodbyes to Jimin. And now he's off to Everland, but only after leaving Tagna feeling intense pain and undergoing great suffering. The last memory you have of him is him unconscious, legless and distressed.

I don't want to go home.

There is no one waiting for you there, now. So you walk solemnly down the unsettlingly white hospital hallway and knock on the door of a familiar room.

"Come in," says an all too familiar voice.

You already feel comforted.

You tell Yoongi everything that happened in Jimin's procedure. His hyperventilating, his seizure and then his successful transport. Yoongi listens quietly to your story but you can tell his mind is someplace else.

When you finish talking, he continues to stare at you, offering no comments or reactions to Jimin's hectic transport. He looks a lot like he's thinking with his brows slightly furrowed and his lips parted.

"Yoongi?"

"Hm?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"Do you want me to be brutally honest?" he asks. You nod, though you're a bit wary of his candid thoughts. "Don't get mad," he warns you. "But I pity you."

You frown. "Pity me?"

"Yes. You, your job, your... life."

"Just because I had a mismatched assigned partner doesn't signal the end of the world," you say. "You don't have to pity me, Yoongi."

"Jimin's gone, Y/N," he replies without skipping a beat. "I do pity you. Jungkook's gone because you never loved him. And I'll be gone too. What are you going to do?"

"This is my job," you say. "I guess we can't all have perfect assigned partners and careers and home units and everything. Besides, Jimin's in a great place now. And you will be too. I'm just helping you get there."

Yoongi's silent. He stares at his hands then he stares back up at you. Then, he sighs.

"Do you want to know why I'm here?"

You frown. "What do you mean?"

"You've been wondering, right? Why I'm not physically nor mentally disabled. Why I'm not an elderly man, either. I'm a strange case, aren't I? You weren't supposed to get another patient for a while longer, but you ended up having to take care of me and Jimin. Don't you want to know why?"

"I mean, of course I do. It's just very sudden that you're—"

"I'm a criminal."

Your heart drops in your chest.

"You're a what?"

"A criminal."

"W-What...? Why aren't you in a jailhouse? A-Are you sure you're a criminal? Why would they allow you to go to Everland?"

Yoongi nods, laughing bitterly. "It's all a part of the Council's masterplan."

"What the hell are you saying?"

"The Council likes order. They like normal. They can't accept people who are different. They can't possibly house the citizens who would disobey their orders," Yoongi says. "So they ship the different ones off to Everland."

"Because Everland accepts and loves everyone for who they are!"

"No, so they won't be a disgrace to Tagna," Yoongi snorts. "My brother had Aspergers," he continues. "But they didn't find out until way later. He liked the routinely ways of the Council and tried to conform. But he was still different. Social interactions were hard for him—so hard that the Council found out that he's different. The next thing you know, he's shipped off to the hospital so they could 'treat' him and I never saw him again."

"They took him to Everland," you say.

"I know they did. I didn't find out until later," Yoongi says. "Because I invented the drug."

"What??"

"The syringe you use for every patient, right? I invented the serum inside it."

"H-How?"

"What do you mean, how?" Yoongi says. "It made it easier for the Council. Less chaos."

It makes sense. When you were training to be a nurse, everything had been a pilot-run because the transport system had been revamped.

"I didn't think they would use the drug that way..." Yoongi says. "I thought they'd use it on the criminals in the jailhouse..."

"Why would they give that to the criminals in the jailhouse??"

"You and I, Y/N..." Yoongi trails off. He looks into your eyes, almost as if he was pleading you to believe him. "We're murderers."

You stand up from his bed. "What did you say?"

When Yoongi stands up and takes a step towards you, you step backward, nearly stumbling over doing so. "Listen to me very carefully, Y/N," he pleads. "That drug... it stops your vitals."

"No! It puts you to sleep! Then your mind starts to travel across dimensions!"

"Don't you understand?" Yoongi says. He grabs your arm. "Everland is death."

You fall to the floor.

"They burn the bodies in the basement of the hospital," he continues. "You thought Tagna was such an advanced society there was no such thing as death?" He laughs scornfully. "Y/N, the Council believes Tagna is so advanced, it's permitted to kill their own citizens to preserve equality and likeness. And when the neighboring societies attack, they'll release the gas-version of the drug and kill everyone—even the citizens of Tagna if they have to."

"That can't be true..." you whisper. "Yoongi, I can't do this." You bury your face in your hands. "Neighboring societies? A cemetery under the hospital? I've been living under a rock."

"The only society we know the name of is Atna. They're curating a selection of their best and most intelligent citizens to destroy us," Yoongi says. "That's all I know. I helped design the gas serum that would make them drop dead like flies. Until I threatened to quit and release the gas in the Council's chambers."

"You quit because you knew they killed your brother."

"Exactly that," Yoongi says. "See, it isn't so hard to understand. And now I'm here, a threat to society, apparently. After everything I've done for them, too. Even fixed up the suppressant by request..." He pauses, watching you tremble on the floor. He kneels down next to you, patting your back. "Hey... do you believe me?"

"I killed him..." you breathe shakily. "I killed Jimin... And I made it worse by letting him take the suppressant... A-And it reacted badly with the serum... I killed seventy-eight people... Oh, fuck! And I have to kill you!" A broken sob leaves your lips as your huddle into a ball. "You're right, Yoongi. I'm a murderer..."

"You were forced to do it. And you didn't know," Yoongi soothes. "The Council are a bunch of vile fucktards, Y/N. They're the real murderers. Not us."

"What am I going to do?" you sob. "I can't continue on, Yoongi. I want to resign."

"If you resign, they'll kill you too."

"Maybe death... maybe Everland will be better than this," you whisper. "What's the point anymore, Yoongi? When I'm old, they're gonna kill me too."

"Let them. There's no use fighting it. Either way, you'll end up dead. Like me."

"I can help the other citizens of Tagna," you say, wiping away your tears and gritting your teeth. "I can free them from the Council's restraints. Maybe we can leave Tagna altogether and see if there are other societies to live in. You can tell me where they keep the gas! That could be really helpful."

"No, Y/N," Yoongi firmly says. "Let the others live in bliss."

"What?? Why?"

"I don't want to be a hero. Think about how complicated things will be if you were to go against the Council," Yoongi says. "It's not worth it because you'll lose."

"So you're going to let me kill you?"

"Everland is better than Tagna, don't you agree?"

There he goes again, answering your question with another one of his.

"You've accepted your fate."

"I have. You should accept yours too."

"I have no fate," you scoff. "I'm someone the Council chose to become a licensed murderer."

"Your service helps those poor people escape their suffering."

"Yeah, without their permission."

"You shouldn't have declared your assigned partner as a mismatch to the Council," Yoongi sighs. He rubs his forehead in a conflicted way and gives you a sideways look. "I'm leaving in five days, you know. I don't want you to be alone. Mismatched or not, he was your friend."

"Five days..." You run your fingers through your hair. "That's such little time."

"We'll spend it together."

"How?" you challenge. "How would I? I'm not supposed to feel love, Yoongi. They'll notice something suspicious if I'm always here with you."

"They'll think you're being a good nurse," he answers. "Come on, Y/N," he says, taking your hands in his. "As your patient, I demand you stay over with me tonight. The other days... you can do whatever you want. I just... I want your company today."

After everything you learned now, you need Yoongi's presence too.

So you nod, crawling into bed with him. He tells you light-hearted stories of fictional societies that might exist in the barren world until you fall asleep.

You confess.

This morning, when you woke up, you swiftly got out of the hospital bed, swept away Yoongi's bangs from his face and gave him a silent goodbye (you didn't want to wake him) before walking out of the hospital. You go straight to the Council. And you admit you haven't been taking the suppressant. You admit that Jungkook isn't a mismatch as you had thought he was—you were without your suppressant and you weren't thinking straight. You tell them that you deserve whatever consequence they will bestow upon you. That you're sorry (though you aren't). And you regret messing up Jimin's procedure (which is the truth).

They are generous to you. Only because they love you like their daughter. Only because you have such a highly held job.

The Council doubles your suppressant intake and declares your curfew will be stricter. But they will move you back to your original home unit and reassign you to Jungkook. They lie to you. They say he loves you very much. You lie right back to them. You say you love him too.

Then, you bargain with them. You ask if your current patient may have an extension date until their transport, explaining that it's hard for you to convince him that Everland is a paradise. You tell them that he repeatedly tells you that he is afraid of Everland. It's a lie. But the Council will make something of it because they don't know you know the truth. In the end, you manage to convince them to authorize a three-day extension.

Now you have a week left with Yoongi. Less time than you'd like, especially with your stricter curfew. But it's more than what you had before.

Your next step is to apologize to Jungkook, hoping he doesn't take your declaration that you were a mismatch too personally. He is nothing but a victim to you, at this point, you realize. You would never know if he truly loves you or not—only ditching the suppressant altogether would tell. And it's not his fault that you don't love him back.

But the Council must've told Jungkook that you weren't in your right mind when you filed a split with him because he welcomes you back with open arms.

"I missed you," he whispers, tugging you into a tight hug.

"Me too," you say, hugging him tighter. It isn't a lie either. "I'm sorry," you say. "I'm really, really sorry, Jungkook." That's the truth.

"The Council told me what happened. I'm sorry about Jimin's transport, sweetie," he says. "Please don't make me worry again, though." He pulls you back and looks at your face, studying your features with what reflects on his eyes as admiration and care. "Please take your suppressants."

"I will," you tell him.

"They're making me monitor you," Jungkook says. "But just promise me, that you'll take the suppressant."

"I promise."

It's a lie.

Every day, you leave your home unit for work just like any other day in your life. But every day, you pretend to take your two suppressants in front of Jungkook, but when he isn't looking, you crush them, dissolve what's left of them in water and flush the solution down the toilet. And then you spend the rest of the day—up until your curfew—with Yoongi.

The two of you try to pretend everything is normal. When, of course, everything is not. But it helps to imagine everything is all right.

"What if Everland exists?" you whisper, poking at Yoongi's chest as he reads his mystery novel. "And when you die, you actually go to Everland?"

"I'll find out in a couple days for you," Yoongi says, setting down his book and quirking a teasing eyebrow at you.

So much for ignoring his impending death.

"I'm more worried about you after I leave," he says. "Don't you ever wish I never told you about what Everland really was?"

You hum thoughtfully. "I don't know. Haven't thought about it much... I guess I'm a bit peeved you forced all this information on me," you tease. "But I think I like knowing the truth, overall."

"Well, that's a relief," Yoongi grins. "Don't wanna piss off the person who's dealing with my transport."

You shouldn't have, but you laugh. "We're really getting into the dark humor, aren't we?"

"We are," Yoongi agrees. "And we'll continue while it lasts."

"How long do you think it'll be until I meet you in Everland—if it exists?"

"Maybe like what, fifteen? Twenty years later? You're still young, Y/N," Yoongi tells you, poking at your cheeks. "You still have baby fat, love."

"I-I do not!" You flush a brilliant shade of red. Something about Yoongi calling you love... You wish you could cherish this feeling forever. Lock it up somewhere and go back to relive it over and over again.

"It's okay. I like the way you look," he says proudly. "Even if you were ugly—which you aren't—I would still love you. Because—" he pauses dramatically—"love makes you see past physicalities."

"Clearly," you joke, gesturing at Yoongi's face and subsequently earning a playful shove from him.

"Do you think we're doing the right thing, though?" Yoongi suddenly asks. "What if we just... run away?" He hums, grabbing your hand and tugging you to his chest, earning a little yelp from you.

"Run away?" you say in a hushed whisper. "That's preposterous!"

Yoongi laughs. "I know, I'm just joking. Imagine if we ran away only to find a post-apocalyptic world outside of Tagna. What if one of us dies? Then what about the other? Or what if we meet the crazy Atnatians? I was totally joking. To run away would be akin to a death wish. Only more drawn out and torturous."

"Yeah, I figured," you huff, turning your body towards Yoongi to frown at him disapprovingly.

He just snorts. "You didn't sound like you had it figured."

"You are very, very difficult."

"I know," he says. "But sometimes, you are too."

"Hey! You—"

You're cut off when Yoongi pulls you in by the waist for a kiss. It's one of those searing ones, where your whole body tingles at the feeling of his warm lips moving against yours. Your hands helplessly splay against his chest as his free hand caresses your cheek. When he carefully flips you over, your legs sandwiched between his thighs, he pulls away from your lips, a bit breathless and winded. And the moment his softened eyes meet yours, you realize this is more than what it seems—the road to passionate lovemaking. In reality, it is a desperate goodbye.

Before tears can well in your eyes, you tug Yoongi in by gripping the collar of his shirt, crashing your lips on his. You want to forget, but everything becomes a reminder that he will leave you in two days. The way he grips at your thighs, the way he spares extra time to memorize every inch, explore every crevice of your body—it's all painful to digest that this might be the last time... Everything he does to you might be the last. You hate it.

But you have to live in the moment.

There's something about Yoongi's movements tonight that reveals his true feelings. You can feel how much he loves you tonight—not from the butterflies in your stomach, but from Yoongi, himself. It's like he's cherishing the moment, so it can last well in your memories.

The Council likes to preach that equality is what drives society to succeed. Everyone must be equal, dress equally, live equally, even die equally (though that's disguised as a simple transport to Everland)—all to ensure that everyone is satisfied with the justness of the system. You disagree. It is unfair.

You feel wronged. Stripped away from the greatness of the life you could've had. But there is a small part of you that is grateful. If things hadn't turned out the way they had, maybe you would've never felt love. Maybe you would've been stuck in your career unit, working as a slave to the Council as they brain-washed you without knowing the truth. You wouldn't have met Yoongi.

In comparison to the truths you've unveiled and the pure bliss you've felt with Yoongi, it's a small price to pay. In the end, you'll have to transport Yoongi to Everland. And then you will go back on with living your life as a citizen of Tagna. Jungkook will do everything in his power to make you fall in love with him. Maybe you will; maybe you won't. The far future is hazy and thinking of it hurts your head.

You'll figure something out, though. You always do.

Finally, you've accepted your fate.

The procedure room is unbearably cold.

Your hands shake as you pull on your latex gloves, and you have to take deep breaths to steady yourself, to convince your assistants that this is like any other normal transport. Except it's not.

"Why are you more nervous than I am?" Yoongi laughs, sitting up on his elbows on the all too familiar hospital bed.

You turn around and shoot him an ungrateful look. "Stop it," you hiss. "I'm trying to concentrate."

"Yes, nurse," he says sarcastically, saluting to you.

You bite your lip so you won't break out in a grin in front of the assistants. Shaking slightly, you turn to the medical cart where the syringe lies, the needle gleaming at you dangerously. You've touched seventy-eight shots, but you can't seem to grab this one, no matter how hard you try.

Finally, you let out a big sigh. "Can all of you leave, please?" you say. "Sorry, not feeling well today."

Thankfully, your assistants are obedient. There's shuffling as they move out of the room, and soon, it's only you and Yoongi left.

"Alone at last," he says, smiling.

"Not so happy you invented that horrible serum, now are you?" you say, frowning.

Yoongi shrugs. "Depends on the wielder of the serum. In this case, I'm satisfied."

With a huff, you snatch up the syringe and hold it out in front of you. "So this is it, then?"

"I suppose it is, love."

Your heart sinks. "I don't know if I can do this, Yoongi."

"Sure you can," he urges you. He grabs your wrist, pulling you close under the upper half of your thighs hits the edge of the medical bed. "Find the vein, insert the needle and you'll be done."

"It's not as easy as it sounds," you say. You stare at the man, a frown etched on your forehead. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," Yoongi replies. "Come here," he says, pulling you in to plant a sweet kiss on your lips. Something tells you it will be the last one.

"Okay. Okay," you whisper to yourself. "Lemme just find the vein and—" you nearly choke on the heavy feeling at the back of your throat. "I-I just have to insert the needle... press the plunger... Fuck," you curse.

"You can do it. I'll be here, watching you," Yoongi says, giving you a shit-eating grin.

"Thanks. That helps."

"Aren't you going to ask me for my last words, love?"

"No," you say, taking a deep breath and inserting the needle into Yoongi's upper forearm. He doesn't even flinch.

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," you say in your trembling voice as you begin to press on the plunger, slowly and carefully. "Because," you repeat, "I don't want you to say the lasting line. It's bullshit."

"I had another line in mind."

"Really?" you say. When the plunger doesn't move further, you close your eyes in shock, even disbelief. You fumble to stop the blood from seeping out, quickly cleaning the mess with an alcohol swab and taping a cotton ball to the small wound. There is care laced in your actions, and your fingers linger on his arm.

"Yeah," Yoongi answers, his voice softening. His eyes begin to droop as the serum begins to work on his body. "I love you, Y/N."

"Oh, Yoongs..." you let out a choked sob, grabbing his hand. "Please don't—"

"I'm not done yet," he manages to breathe. He tries to look into your eyes, attempting to grin at you, but his lips don't move at his will. "F-For you and for me..." he trails off. "Because..." he takes a short pause to swallow, "E-Everland is bullshit a-and 'us' should only c-consist of... of y-you and... me."

"Yoongi..." you whisper, squeezing his hand. "I love you too. For you and for me... Yoongi?"

And when there is no sarcastic response, you know he is gone.

Except he's not traveling through dimensions to get to Everland. He's dead. And you don't know what happens when you die.

You can't bear to look at him. So you let go of his hand, turning your back to his body. On cue, your assistants flood into the room. You duck your head to wipe your tears and let them roll his unconscious body out of the room. When you get a short glimpse of his face, you find that there's a faint smile on his lips. You exhale a breath you didn't know you were holding.

As long as he was happy...

And with the way he was cracking jokes just seconds before his death proved a lot. If Yoongi is—was—okay with it, then so are you.

You bid him a final goodbye in your head.

Something switches inside you. A boiling, bubbling feeling. You can’t quite describe it, but it’s intense, making your body tingle from head to toe.

With vehement steps, you walk out of the hospital and straight into the Council. Standing before the Council members, you smile at them angelically.

"Good afternoon, Y/N," they chorus.

"Good afternoon, Council," you say.

"What are you here for today?" one of them inquires.

You look at him, "With all due respect, sir, I just want to have a little wish granted."

"A wish?" another member says incredulously.

"Yoongi. Formerly held a career in unit 38. Deceased. Don't burn his body in the basement under the hospital. Bury him, please. Properly. Give him a coffin and a tombstone and everything. He's done a lot to advance Tagna hasn't he? It's the least you can do."

And before any of the Council members can react, you march away, down the streets and into your home unit.

Confronting the Council and demanding justice from them felt refreshing. Your suggestion might actually be taken, or you might be taken to the jailhouse. You're not sure which. But whatever it is, it won't matter. All you can do now is wait until your time of death comes.

"Y/N? Sweetie?"

Jungkook.

"How was the transport?" your assigned partner says, rushing to greet you with a hopeful smile on his face. "The Council told me they gave him an extension for his transport date because he was so nervous. Did it go well?"

You smile. "Yeah... It was... good. Peaceful. Eye-opening, too."

"That's great!" Jungkook exclaims. "Did he say the lasting line?"

I love you, Y/N. For you and for me. Because Everland is bullshit and 'us' should only consist of you and me.

The saddest... but most content part of your life in just three sentences. Tears begin to well up in your eyes, but a small smile stretches across your lips from the memory. "No, he didn't say it."

"O-Oh," Jungkook says. He awkwardly stares at you in blatant confusion, wondering why you are crying profusely while smiling. He wonders if starting to take the suppressant again messed with your sanity. Jungkook's brows furrow as he begins to worry again. "Y/N..."

"No," you say, shaking your head adamantly. "He said something better than that."

Something true. Not some bullshit line like for us and for Everland.

It feels good to admit to something so genuine. Your grin grows wider.

Yoongi would be proud of you for not being so... so, ersatz. And he's up there somewhere—maybe in your head—nagging at you, teasing you. You'll count down the days until you'll be able to follow him there.

But for now, it's for you and for me, Yoongi.

—masterpost

—masterlist

#ficswithluv #btswritersnet #btswriterscollective #bangtanfairygarden #btswritingcafe #yoongi #min yoongi #yoongi imagine #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fanfiction #bts #bts fanfiction #for everland #THIS ONE GOES OUT TO THE ANGST LOVERS #and the ones who love bickering couples lmfao

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dgarski · 4 years ago

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Time does not heal all wounds.

Two years ago today, March 6, 2019, my life changed forever. Recovering, healing, processing...all of these things have fully encompassed me every day of those two years. Mental healing however, has been another thing altogether. There is so much that I don't remember. Mostly, I see flashes and pictures in my mind, of me in the hospital. I remember almost nothing of the night that I collapsed. Even waking up in the hospital, there is so much I still don't remember. It was like watching life unfolding through the eyes of someone else. I do remember the desperate feeling of being trapped and completely lost. I remember the feeling of imminent death. I was so close, but somehow, I lived. I was awake, but I didn't really know what happened to me. The doctors, the nurses and family all tried to tell me about my collapse and how I had survived a stroke, a heart attack and a seizure. I thought they were kidding. I thought they were talking about someone else. Nothing made sense. I couldn't account for time. My entire life had dramatically halted.

After the first week, I was brought out of I.C.U. to the physical therapy floor. I finally got my own private room. It was mostly quiet. I remember looking out the big windows of my room, at the city of Orlando. "There's my city." It was a view I had never imagined before. I was in a hospital room, looking out at the view of downtown Orlando. At the time, I had no idea how long I would be there. I wanted to leave. I knew that if I didn't get out soon, I would snap. Decisions were being made by my family, that I don't think I will ever completely understand. I have had a lot of time to think about all that; and I concluded that, at the time, I must have believed that I could die at any moment; and that it would be best if I just agreed with anything and everything I was told. I think that I must have been convinced that I was in the hospital for two weeks because they really needed to keep an eye on me; because I could maybe have another stroke or another heart attack at any second. I don't think I've ever felt so weak, so scared, so numb, in my entire life.

Once I was released from the hospital, the very next day, I found myself on an airplane to Chicago with my mother and my brother-in-law. I remember looking out the window, as the plane ascended over downtown Orlando, and thinking to myself, "Hey, there's my city!" This time, it was from a much more profound point of view. At that moment, I wasn't sure if I would ever see it again. I still didn't really know what was going on inside my head. I must have thought that me going to Wisconsin was just a weird sort of unplanned vacation, and that I would be back in Florida in a week or two. I remember the immediate cold of Chicago, as we walked to my brother-in-law's truck from the airport terminal. There I was, standing in a parking lot at O'Hare airport. It made no sense to me. It was night, and we were on a freeway headed to Racine. I hadn't been back to Wisconsin since Christmas 2002. A lot had changed in 17 years.

For the next several days, I slept and slept. I was still so weak. I was initially on so much medication, it was really wreaking havoc on my body. Within a few days or so, my mental faculties began to become more and more lucid. Being scared that I might die at any moment, was quickly being replaced with depression, anger and frustration. I started to piece the puzzle together. I began to realize that in the blink of an eye, I literally lost just about everything.

The actual physical recovery took very little time for me. I remember still having almost no strength in my arms or legs. Walking took some effort. Once I got myself motivated, I began to get the strength back in my legs. Within a few more weeks, I was walking to the lake and back. It would still exhaust me, because I was on so much high-dose medication at the time. I always seemed to be light-headed. The doctors regulated the prescriptions and I began to feel better. I was still very weak in most areas of my body. Over the summer of 2019, I began to feel more and more physically normal. In September, I began working again. The job didn't require a great deal of physical strain. I certainly did a lot of walking though. I pushed myself to work as many 12-hour days as I could. When I wasn't at work, I mowed the lawn at my parents house. When it snowed, I even shoveled the sidewalks. I honestly don't know where I found the strength to push myself. Perhaps it was an extreme instinct to get out of the place where I was so that I could get back to the place where I belong.

Even though my body was healing, my brain was still trying to recover. I mean that in a sense that, my mental faculties were still reeling from all that had happened to me. Some call it "post traumatic stress disorder." I don't know if that's what I actually had or maybe I am still dealing with it. I don't really know what constitutes someone having P.T.S.D. Whatever the fight was, I was in it completely on my own. I remember each day as sort of a movie that I was actually living. None of it ever seemed real to me. It was very much like a nightmare. I would go to bed, hoping that I would wake up and it would all be a terrible dream.

Time does not heal all wounds. Some scars just never heal, especially the ones you cannot see. I remember feeling angry, frustrated and confused. Luckily, I had a couple of people that I could turn to, to help support me emotionally. Unfortunately, there were others who chose to kick me when I was down. Maybe they simply didn't understand what I was going through, and it was easier for them to criticize, condemn and judge me. I've had to let all of those people go. It sucks that it has to be this way. I certainly didn't choose it. I didn't ask for this to happen to me.

So many questions still remain. Can forgiveness ever be a part of the healing? Will I ever be able to completely let go of the pain of so much loss? How will I feel about all of this, in another two years?

I think about so many things that have happened in the past two years. I think about those days in the hospital and how long I was there, and how very little I remember about any of it. I remember being in Wisconsin, freezing almost every day. I was never warm enough to be comfortable. I remember how much I absolutely hated being there and how much I wanted to leave and go back home to Florida. I remember working at the hospital, trying to convince myself that working 48 hours in four days each week, was the only way I was going to save enough money to get myself out of Racine and back home to Orlando. I remember laying in a bed in a very cold, damp basement bedroom, wondering how my life had dropped to such incredible depths of despair and loss. I was alive, but what was I supposed to learn from all that had happened to me?

It is so very true that desperation will make any human being do just about anything to survive. I found out what I am truly made of, way down deep in my soul. Yes, I had a lot of help in the process, but I learned that I am a real survivor, in every sense of the word. I don't think that most people ever get to experience the realization of their own mortality and the unknown inner strengths. So few ever get to find out what they are truly capable of, deep inside.

When I hear stories or talk with someone who has been in the hospital or has had their life dramatically changed forever, I can feel the pain they feel. I know that I feel a sense of new found wisdom and appreciation for the little things in life. I find myself watching the sunsets more often, taking more pictures, watching the clouds change into strange shapes. I can sense so much more now. When you've come close to death and you live, there comes a profound new type of knowledge that is impossible to define. It clarifies and enlightens everything.

If you are close with someone who has had a stroke and survived, you must learn to treat them with patience, kindness and understanding, and do so unconditionally. After a stroke, the brain, in all of its entire complication, is a slowly healing brain that has been through one of the worst types of change. A stroke survivor may heal physically on the outside, but it's the mental and emotional healing on the inside, that may take much longer.

A stroke survivor will feel anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, depression, and may even become emotional without ever knowing why. Some emotions may be intense reactions to the environment or people. Outbursts of crying for little or no reason, may happen occasionally. There may even be personality changes. You must learn to allow these people their time to heal and process their life after a stroke. It may take a few weeks, a few months or the rest of their life.

After two years of healing, I am more in tune with my mortality now, than I ever was before.

#stroke survivor #mental healing

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paleorecipecookbook · 7 years ago

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RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

In this episode, we discuss:

Introduction and background of Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

WNL: We’re not looking

Raising public awareness of functional and progressive medicine through the mainstream media

The impact of the show Doctor in the House among colleagues and across the UK

Changing the expectation among medical professionals to a more collaborative care method

Chatterjee’s new book, How to Make Disease Disappear, and the 4 Pillar Plan

Communication is the biggest skill for healthcare professionals

Small changes tend to make the biggest impact

Show notes:

Rangan Chatterjee on YouTube

Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine Course

Chatterjee’s new book: How to Make Disease Disappear

[smart_track_player url="https://ift.tt/2jlMsPC" title="RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee" artist="Chris Kresser]

youtube

Chris Kresser: Rangan Chatterjee, it's such a pleasure to have you on the show. I'm really looking forward to this.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee: Chris, the pleasure is mine. Thanks very much for inviting me.

Chris: We met when I came over to the UK last year, I think that was. It’s all such a blur.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yeah, someone said we need to speak, so we went out for a lovely dinner, actually.

Chris: Yes. I really enjoyed that. Mark Hyman introduced us via email before we came over and said, “Hey, you guys should know each other,” and he was definitely right. We hit it off immediately, in large part because we share not only a passion for reinventing healthcare and the future of medicine, but also a pretty similar perspective on how we should go about doing that. That's what I'd love to dive into today, and I want to start by talking maybe a little bit about just your background, how you came to Functional Medicine, and this perspective that we share on reinventing healthcare and medicine, and then I want to talk a little bit about your experience with the TV show, because here in the US we don't have access to it. And so while that's a pretty well-known show and people have had a lot of exposure to it in the UK, some of my US listeners might not be as familiar with what's going on. I think it's a really interesting portal to how Functional Medicine can get a wider adoption and exposure.

Introduction and background of Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes. Well, Chris, first of all, just a bit of background and a sense of my journey and how I've got to where I am today in terms of my perspective. I've been seeing patients now as a medical doctor for almost pretty much 17 years, actually, and my career has gone through various evolutions during that time, because the reality is, you leave medical school and you think that you have been given all the tools that you need to get your patients better. That's ultimately why you end up at medical school, is to how to do that way, and it's not so obvious, but when I reflect back on my career, I think there was a discontentment in the way that I'd been taught to practice medicine. It was probably there right from the start, so I don't think I quite realized it because I start off in the acute medical setting, so I was training in hospitals dealing with a lot of emergencies. I remember running the cardiac arrest team for the hospital for a period of time and doing all the things that you think modern medicine is with the defib and all that kind of crazy stuff which you see on television. As a young guy in their 20s, I think, “This is medicine,” right?

The biggest skill for a healthcare professional may not actually be scientific knowledge, but how they connect and communicate with the person in front of them. Every patient wants to be as healthy as they can. They don't want to struggle. They want to live their life!

Chris: Right.

Dr. Chatterjee: I went through my training, I was going to be a specialist, so I got my exams. Certainly in the UK, we call it the MRCP, Member of the Royal College of Physicians, a very tough set of exams to certify in internal medicine, and I was planning to do nephrology, or kidney medicine. I just started to get a little bit frustrated, month on month, sort of year on year, I was getting a little bit frustrated. It's the sort of thing that I don’t really want to spend the rest of my career just seeing kidneys and kidney problems. I thought that I'm going to move to general practice. To put this in perspective, I come from a medical family, and my dad was a consultant in genitourinary medicine. I think he was a bit flabbergasted that his son was going to leave the hallowed turf of being a specialist to become a generalist. But I really had this calling from inside me saying, “Look, I want to see everything. I want to see how everything interacts with everything else.” That's why I moved to general practice. I did my exams, and then I started working and I loved it, but a few years in, I honestly sat back at the end of the day and I thought, “How many people have I really helped today?” I came up with a figure, 20 percent. I thought, 82 percent of the people that had come in, I wasn't convinced I'd actually done that much for them. Sure I may have given them a prescription, a pill to suppress their symptoms, but I really didn't feel that I had actually helped them understand what was going on. I don't think I knew what was going on in terms of what was driving their ailments. I think the difficulty is, Chris, I'm sure you’ve heard this before from people, it's very hard to know what to do with that. You know, all your training, your whole career, everything is shaped around the system the way it currently is. And then for me, as many people have an experience with illness either in themselves or with a family member, that really changes everything. For me it was when my son, who is now seven years old, but he was six months old at the time … My wife and I, we went on holiday, it was just past Christmas, it was around 27th of December. I remember it so clearly. We went to Chamonix in France for a holiday, and my son stopped moving. His arms went back. He had a convulsion, and really I panicked because I thought he might be choking. My wife had called out to me and I knew that he had a lot of mucus and phlegm throughout the day. I tried to turn him over and slap him on the back and clear his airway and nothing was happening. The truth is, in that moment, I wasn't a highly qualified medical doctor, I was a worried father.

Chris: Absolutely. It must have been terrifying.

Dr. Chatterjee: Even now I think back to it, and it was horrible. It really was horrible, and my wife said, “Come on, we've got to go now. We got to get to hospital.” And we rushed into the car. I nearly killed us all. It’s just snowed there and we went on a steep road down to the main roads and the car skidded, but ultimately we got to a hospital, and many of your listeners might be familiar that a six-month-old having a convulsion is not that uncommon if there is a fever there. It’s what we here call a febrile convulsion, but he didn't have a fever. His temperature was absolutely normal, and you could see the admitting doctors and nurses were incredibly worried because, “Why has this boy stopped moving? Why is he having a convulsion without a fever?” We were in a small hospital. He had to be blue-lighted in an ambulance down to the main hospital, down the valley through the mountains.

A few hours later, some of the preliminary blood started coming back. Now in this time frame, he already had two lumbar punctures. We are a health-conscious family. My wife had breastfed for six months as this sort of public health guidance. We’re pretty switched on, we thought, with respect to our health, and then the blood results come back, and the doctor said he's had a seizure because his calcium levels were too low in his body. He had a hypocalcemic convulsion. To put it in perspective, the normal range for serum calcium in that hospital is the same as in the UK, which is 2.2 to 2.6. His calcium level was 0.97, frankly, barely compatible with actually life, in many ways. Everyone was scratching their head—why has he got such a low calcium level? What's been going on there? And then again, you had to wait a bit later on, because in this time frame, initially we thought he might have meningitis. The doctors were very worried, and we were panicked, in a foreign hospital trying to figure out what the hell was going on, and it turns out that his vitamin D level was almost nonexistent.

To cut a long story short, ultimately a fully preventable vitamin D deficiency caused him to have a low calcium level in his blood, which caused him to have a convulsion. That was incredibly challenging to get my head around. I mean, of course, I was delighted that we found out what the problem was and that modern medicine saved his life. He had an intravenous calcium infusion, right? Great. Superb. You bring the calcium level back up into the normal range. That was fantastic, but nobody that taught me or told me what are the consequences of the fact that your son may have been deficient, or certainly suboptimal levels, of vitamin D potentially for the last six months, arguably in the utero as well.

What are the consequences of that? How can you go about potentially repairing some of those? My son had pretty bad eczema at that time and obviously we know now, I wish many doctors knew about then, that it's pretty clear that vitamin D is a critical nutrient immune system. Eczema is in some way dysfunction of the immune system. Could the two be linked? Of course they could be. For me, Chris, really what happened in that moment was, yes, I'd been frustrated, but in that moment, it was like, I, by conventional measures, am highly qualified, double-board certified medical doctor, yet my son nearly died from a preventable vitamin deficiency, and suddenly it was like a switch changing me. In that moment, I'm going to find out why this happened, how this happens, and I'm going to get my son back to full optimal health. I'm going to try as if nothing of this has ever happened. That was the challenge that I set to myself.

In the age of the internet, Chris, you can spend three, four hours a day researching, and that's exactly what I did. Week after week, month after month, year after year, the more I learned, the more I put into practice with him, the more I put into practice with my family and myself. I can see that the immense benefits for my son, I felt the benefits for myself, started applying the same principles with my patients, I was like, this is the sort of medicine I wish I'd learned in medical school. Understanding root causes of ill health. I'm figuring out how you can help people, not only improve their symptoms, but certainly, in many cases, reverse that illness, and it’s just transformed my career, Chris. It has transformed the way I look at health. It has, in many ways, shaped what I've done in the media for the past four or five years. I reflect back and think, had this not happened to my son, would I be doing what I'm doing? I don't know. I can't answer that. Potentially I would have found—maybe the frustration would have gotten the better of me in another way, but this really forced my hand. I'm pleased to say that my son is a thriving, healthy, eczema-free seven-year-old boy who I think is incredibly well and arguably healthier than many kids around him who maybe have not had this problem. It’s a slightly long-winded story, Chris, but that in a nutshell is why I do what I do.

Chris: It's so great. It got very real and very personal for you in a way that it did for me, a slightly different way, but that's what, really, I think at the end of the day, almost everybody who's doing this work that we talk about, Mark Hyman and many of us thought leaders and influencers, have a similar story because when it affects you personally or a family member personally, there's just no other motivation that's quite as urgent.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, absolutely, but Chris, we need to … we started talking months before … at the moment I find that the people who are trying to adopt this approach to chronic disease, the thought leaders, but all the thousands of practitioners around the world who are also trying to do this, pretty much all of them behind that have got a personal story. I get that because I'm one of those, but we need to move beyond that. We need to move like what you're doing with the Kresser Institute. We need this education to be that—all healthcare professionals, basically, not just those who have had a personal experience.

WNL: We’re not looking

Chris: Absolutely, yes. Your story with your son is really, I think, revealing because it points to this principle of “we're not looking,” or that's my version of WNL. In medicine we think of WNL as “within normal limits,” if you do a lab test and it’s within the normal limits. But I have another way of looking at WNL, which is “we’re not looking.” Your story with your son, like the vitamin D thing, was easy to detect and easy to correct, but it wasn't part of the standard thought process of what you should be looking for early on in his life. I had a patient last week in her late 70s who came in, and she had some of the typical complaints you might expect of someone of that age. She had kind of a mild tremor. She was having some cognitive decline and brain fog, difficulty concentrating, and her GP had just written it off as, “You're getting older. And you're in your late 70s. What do you expect? This is standard.” And yet when we tested, did a full comprehensive blood panel on her, we found out that she had very severe B12 and folate deficiency and very high homocysteine, and she had again a very easily correctable, at least if it had been detected in time, nutrient deficiency that was misdiagnosed as dementia and early mild Parkinson's. There's really no excuse for missing and not correcting that, and yet we're not looking.

Dr. Chatterjee: Absolutely, Chris, and I'm sure you've got countless more stories like that from seeing patients, as I have. One thing to add there with my son’s story as I'm sure many people listening might be thinking, “It’s so obvious, why wasn't he just giving his son vitamin D from birth?” I think it's a reasonable question because the guidelines in this country actually do state that you should be doing that. The problem is, nobody knows those guidelines.

Chris: Yes.

Dr. Chatterjee: And they're not being followed. As the same with all my patients, I didn’t know that. But I tell you this, I have replayed this over in my head so many times, three weeks before we got on that plane at the start of December, so son's maybe 5 to 5 1/2 months old. I had been coming across a bit more research on vitamin D, and we had a protocol in our surgery in a different sort of part of the UK where I would start to prescribe a lot of vitamin D to certain patients. I started to think, “I think my son should be on this.” Now it's drilled into us in the UK by the GMC, the General Medical Council, that we should not be making those kind of decisions on our own family. It is very much frowned upon here to do anything treatment-wise for your own family. I did what I thought I should do back then, and so I crossed off the protocol and I phoned my wife up and I said to her, “Hey, babe, can you just go make an appointment to the GP? Just go and ask him what he thinks about this. I think that our son should probably be on vitamin D.” And so she prints it off, she goes to see a doctor, and the doctor knows that I'm also a fellow healthcare professional, and he laughed at her and he said, “Look, this is just complete rubbish. You could have just printed this off yourself and typed it up on Word and given it to me. Look, you're breastfeeding; you're doing a great thing. There's nothing more you need to give your son.” And she was a bit upset with the way it went down because I didn't think he was compassionate, and when she reported this back to me, I thought, “Okay, fine. All right, let me do a bit more research. Let me look into this. I’ll figure it out,” not realizing the urgency of the situation. I often think back, could I, should I just put my foot down then, and it’s not a nice emotion as a dad when you get these things. Having said that, Chris, he could well have been deficient for months prior to that.

Chris: Absolutely.

Dr. Chatterjee: And arguably, have I supplemented then, supplementing just before this happens with a very low dose, let’s say, 400 IU of vitamin D or something like that or 800, arguably, it may not change anything, or it could have gone undetected for a lot longer. At least this way, and again, I wish this had never happened, certainly for my son’s sake, but by having it happen with that sort of magnitude, I was forced to confront some very difficult questions and uncomfortable realities, and I felt compelled to fix them. I do kind of believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe as humans we have to believe that in order to get through, but I had a lot of guilt for a number of years. That actually drove me to learn more and help as many people as possible, but I know you're a father as well, Chris. I'm learning now to let go of that guilt.

Chris: Yes. I mean, we can always second guess ourselves, and there's so many situations like that that I can think of myself with my daughter, things I wish I would have done differently. But I think this is more what you were saying before—it's about getting this knowledge and these guidelines and this understanding out on a wider scale because it is true. There's a saying that a doctor who treats himself has a fool for a patient, and you could possibly extend that to family members, because sometimes we're too close to really be able to tell. But what if there had been guidelines that not only should babies be tested, but pregnant women should be tested for their vitamin D levels because guess where kids are supposed to get it? From breast milk, and if a woman is deficient in pregnancy, then her breast milk is not going to be a sufficient source of it, and I always test my pregnant women patients for that now, but that's not something that's really widespread now, at least in our in this country. I don’t know how it is in the UK.

Dr. Chatterjee: One of the biggest frustrations for me about the way medicine currently operates—I should say conventional or allopathic medicine, whatever you want to call it—it's very much a black-or-white situation. You've either got an abnormal result or it's normal.

Chris: Right.

Dr. Chatterjee: There has been no or very little recognition as optimal, and there is this huge gray area in between overtly abnormal and disease and deficiency versus what is an optimal level for this human being to be functioning as well as they can. A little bit like Dale Bredesen, a professor, who is sort of showing how in some cases you can reverse cognitive decline, certainly in early cases of Alzheimer’s disease. He's managed to demonstrate that, but I love his approach, which is you've got to treat that person like a Formula One car. You’ve got to optimize every single parameter that you can. I love that because that really isn't how we do things here, certainly the UK, and I know it's the same in the US. Even if you talk about blood sugar, you talk about a common condition, type 2 diabetes, we’ve got slightly different ranges from you guys, so an HbA1c, the average blood sugar marker, is 6.5 and above, and in this country is, I think the same as you, is a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes. Our prediabetic range starts at 6, so 6 to 6.4 is what we call prediabetic, whereas with you guys, it's 5.7.

Chris: It’s a little lower, yes.

Dr. Chatterjee: A little lower, and you know these are just arbitrary figures that we could argue about all the day. One of the practices I would tap recently, patients who come in and get their blood sugar checked, if it comes back at 5.9, I know doctors who are still reporting that as normal. What's happening is that patient phones at reception to say, “Hey, you know what, my bloods are okay.” The receptionist will report back saying, “Yes, doc said absolutely normal, nothing to worry about.” That patient then who has come, maybe they come in for a medical or for a checkup just to see where does their health look like at the moment, in that opportunity we are reporting an HbA1c of 5.9 as normal, which is madness. I just don’t know how we got so far off track in medicine where we can call that a normal blood sugar.

Chris: Right. Just because it hasn't reached the arbitrary … as if something magical happens when it goes one-tenth of a point higher, then all of a sudden you have diabetes, whereas it was perfectly normal before that.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes. And even if all we did in conventional medicine, even if we did not adopt a full kind of Functional Medicine approach, is if we simply recognize that as an optimal range, and then there’s a deficiency range, and we should be striving to get our patients in those optimal ranges—just to say, with blood sugar, for example, we could start maybe once the HbA1c is 5.2 or 5.3, start to get people back in and say, “Hey, look, you're not prediabetic yet. You don’t have type 2 diabetes yet, but actually your blood sugar is not as good as it could be. Can I show you some things that we can do to help optimize that?” So many members of the public would welcome that, and they’ll go, “I didn’t realize it. Yes. Tell me what I can do.” Rather than waiting until it has crossed that 6.5 to 6.6 type 2 diabetes threshold, when yes, sure you can still turn it around sometimes, but it’s going to be suboptimal to be getting involved then.

Raising public awareness of functional and progressive medicine through mainstream media

Chris: Absolutely. Speaking of this, we're talking about raising awareness of Functional Medicine and preventative medicine and what you call progressive medicine. I think arguably you've had a bigger impact in terms of raising the public awareness of these concepts than just about anybody else because you've been doing a mainstream TV show about Functional Medicine in the UK for the last several years. I mean, we don't have anything like that still here in the US, and I've really enjoyed following that and hearing more about the impact, and I think our listeners here would love to hear a little bit more about your experience with that show, how it got started, and then what kind of impact you feel like that's had.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, Chris, thanks for asking me. That really has been … I'm incredibly fortunate and lucky to have the experience that I've had, and I’ll explain to you why I say that. I think the first thing to say is I never got approached to do that show because of my approach to medicine. I think it was just quite fatuousness, how it all happened. I was on my journey of learning. I was going out to America at regular med schools. I was going through all these Functional Medicine conferences, and I was literally just sucking up knowledge. One conference had finished, and I couldn't wait to book on to the next one and buy my flight and come straight back to learn more. It’s a story with many people who once they got their head gets switched on to this way of thinking … but what happened while I was doing or was training, I'm still in my sort of conventional practice, and the practice manager sent out a group email to all their MDs in the practice saying the BBC are looking for a new doctor. They've got a new concept called Doctor in the House, which is what happens when you have more than 10 minutes with your patients. I remember seeing the email and thinking, “If you have more than 10 minutes, then you could do so much.” I had no ambition, Chris, to be a TV doctor. In fact, I can't stand that term. You're no longer a doctor, you're a “TV doctor,” and I prefer a “doctor who also is on TV,” but that’s a minor point.

I phoned up the number thinking, what’s this about? Anyway, I ended up having like a 40-minute interview with the studio, and that turned into three months of basically interviews and tests. They’d film me with families, and they take you around an empty house and say what kind of things would you be looking for, what sort of clues would you be picking up, and it … what’s interesting to me is I didn’t prepare for a single one of those interviews, around eight of them over three months, because I wasn't really desperate to be on television. I just thought, if these guys like me who I am, great. If they don't, fine, get someone else who might want to say … what the right things to say in order to get on television. So I just went and did my thing. Three months later, I heard they went for about 1,500 doctors, and somehow I get picked to make the series. Just to make one show actually, but the show went so well that they made a decision for me to do a whole series, and that was a big decision for me because I thought, “Wow. This is a lot of exposure.” BBC is our main channel that gets the biggest viewing, and it is a primetime show. And I thought, “Wow, this is a lot of exposure.” But I thought, what an opportunity here to see … can I get various conditions, various families who've been struggling with their health for years, who’ve already been under GPs, specialists, other healthcare professionals and they still can't get better, can I get these guys better on television? I didn't know what it would entail at the time. Like all the things, you just you jump in the deep end and you kind of sink or swim.

Chris: Right.

Dr. Chatterjee: If I'm honest, Chris, to actually go into families' houses and spend all this time with them, you get to … for example, we talk about nutrition. This is not what people tell you they eat in your surgery, in your practice. You're actually watching what they do eat, what they got in their fridge, what they got in their cupboards. When they're snacking, what are they snacking on? Because everyone filters in front of their healthcare professional. People tend to have a little filter in terms of what do you eat on a typical day. Are they going to tell you, Chris, what they eat on their best day, when they follow the principles in your book? Or when it’s Christmas holidays and they're actually feeling emotionally vulnerable and that's what they're eating then? I got to see the few hours before bed what the family dynamic is like, what are those interactions. Those sorts of things actually would never probably come up in my surgery. And not only would they not come up, even if I asked about them, I suspect that they just wouldn't come up in the same way. I was just seeing all kinds of things. I thought, “Wow, these are all playing a role in that person's health.” And now that I can see that, I can actually potentially influence those things in a different way, and what's interesting to me, Chris, is that a typical Functional Medicine doctor will probably have a lot longer than some 10 or 15 minutes. You may have an hour or 45 minutes or an hour and a half with the patient, and we all want more time. I potentially got too much time because the other problem I had, Chris, is that when you know absolutely everything and you see it all, it's almost too much information because you can then literally … you don’t have the security of your surgery and your consultation room walls. You're seeing people in their own setting. You feel quite exposed, actually, so it was an incredible experience, the results I managed to demonstrate for those families, but also in front of five million UK viewers a week, and probably the proudest results of my career because I had some of my most difficult cases on that show. As my best friend, who is not a doctor tells me, he’s like, “You've got five million people watching you do your job.” I'm like, “Yeah.” He told me this a few weeks before the show came out. ... I was pretty nervous anyway, but now ...

Chris: Thanks a lot.

Dr. Chatterjee: We can dive into a bit of the detail, but essentially I got to see different sides of people from what I see in my consultation, and that has changed me, not only what I did on the series, but I'm a different doctor now than before I filmed the TV show.

Chris: Yes. For the folks who are listening, although you can't yet watch the full series, I think there are quite a few YouTube clips of the show.

Dr. Chatterjee: I found that there is quite a few on YouTube, and I put them all together on my YouTube channel so people can watch at least eight of those episodes free of charge on the internet.

Chris: Oh, cool. Yes. Yeah. I really recommend doing that. It's really great to see these concepts on primetime television going out to people who are totally unfamiliar with them. I'm just curious—there are so many things we could talk about related to that show, but I'm mostly curious in this context—what was the feedback that you received from professional colleagues and also just from the general public in terms of being exposed to these concepts? What kind of impact do you think it's had in the UK, and how has it changed the conversation?

The impact of the show Doctor in the House among colleagues and across the UK

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, Chris. Look, I think it's had a huge impact. I mean I get invited by the NHS to come and talk about how we implement the strategies, the things that they saw on television. How do we get that into the National Health Service and make that widespread? Clearly, having a doctor in your house for four to six weeks is not a rational or actionable national strategy. It’s a reverse from the chronic disease trajectory, but what can we learn from that human emotion as we focus on the negatives? If I get 99 with the collaborative and inspirational plus the feedback, and then one in a hundred sort of say, “What was that you were doing? There’s no evidence behind that,” etc., your mind tends to focus on that one person. Although I had learnt over the last years to get a lot better at that, but generally the responses have been very, very good.

It's the first series to actually demonstrate on a primetime show that type 2 diabetes was a reversible condition and something that can be done in some cases, well, I'm not saying it has to be, within 30 days is really quite remarkable. I think that was very much ahead of its time because now, NICE, the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence in the UK is now accepting that we can code in people's SNPs that type 2 diabetes can be put into remission, but it was very, very controversial for years here. When my show came out, it was the third episode in the first series, where I helped a lady reverse her type 2 diabetes in 30 days. The BDA, the British Dietetic Association, released the statements about criticizing the care that was given, and there are very alarmist statements advising people not to adopt the strategies they saw and go discuss with the doctor. That was a hugely … it was quite a challenging time for me because I didn't do this to fight with people. I'm not interested in having fights with other people. I think I've found a better way than I used to look out to people. I managed to show that on television, and I just want to get that message out to as many people as possible, to people that agree with me, fine, but I didn’t necessarily want to fight this. I found that quite hard, actually. The thing I found the hardest was, I would have preferred the BDA to say, “Look, that isn't the person we take. We recognize the fantastic results you’ve got. Can we get together and discuss? There’s something interesting there.” That approach wasn't taken because I wasn't sort of being down on dieticians; I wasn't criticizing other people's approaches or anything like that. I was simply going, “Okay, you’ve got this problem. I'm going to give you the best advice I can with all the experience and all the knowledge I have, and worst-case scenario is you're no better after four weeks. Best-case scenario, I've revolutionized your health.” That was the only really negativity I've got in the first series, was the dieticians.

But from so many medical doctors around the country, from nurses, from pharmacists, from nutritional therapists, from other dietitians, I got so much warm feedback saying, “Look, just incredible to see those results. We’d love to learn more.” I got so many emails from medical students, Chris, and this made me incredibly excited. A lot of medical students contact me saying, “Look, Dr. Chatterjee, I love what I saw there, but I'm in final year now of medical school. I'm not learning about this. How can I learn more? Because that was incredible!” I think it's been highly significant here. It’s changing the conversation here. I think a lot of people now are embracing lifestyle not only as a way of preventing getting ill, but also as a therapeutic tool to treat people when they are ill.

I recently lectured for the Royal College of GPs at a Wellbeing conference as to how can doctors look after their health, and this GP came up to me afterwards—and it really touched me—he said, “Look, I've just got to thank you.” I said, “What’s happening?” He said, “Look, the work that you’ve done, it set the stage for me to be able to do what I do. People give me a lot more credibility. I can now talk about these concepts in a way that I couldn't do four years ago because of the work you do. I just want to thank you.” It was great to me to hear that because yes, I'm doing it to help the public. I want to empower the public or as many people as possible to understand that actually, no matter what your health problem is, some simple changes to your lifestyle can have a profound impact. But it's also nice when other healthcare professionals or when other medical doctors say, “Look, I love that. I'm now using this approach with my patients and I'm getting great results. Thank you.”

And I think the culmination of that for me, Chris, was in January this year, where I sort of created with a colleague the first what's called Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine Course that the Royal College of GPs have credited. That's our main institution here. They have credited that course with seven CBD points, and we had nearly 200 doctors come in January and we have GPs, we had gastroenterologists, rheumatologists, oncologists all coming, learning from me and a colleague in terms of how you can apply these principles, and it was just incredible. The feedback is 95 percent of them have said they would highly recommend this course to their colleagues, 85 percent of them have already said this has significantly impacted the way that they are practicing medicine. We didn’t go the whole hog. We didn’t go in as much detail as you offer, Chris, in the Kresser Institute. This is trying to shift people from one to two rather than one to ten because I feel very passionate that … your training exists, that is very good training out there for that really detailed, in-depth look at reversing chronic disease, but I thought, “Okay, look, the public has bought into this. A lot of the profession has seen those results, but probably don’t have the time, energy, or inclination to go on and do this in depth, to dive into Functional Medicine. What are the core principles, and what can I actually teach them in one day to shift them from one to two or one to three?” The feedback has been incredible, so, Chris, what has been the impact? Well, I can tell you, four or five years ago, we weren’t having Royal College of General Practitioners-accredited courses in lifestyle medicine; in 2018 we now are. That gives me a lot of hope.

Changing the expectation among medical professionals to a more collaborative care method

Chris: Absolutely, and that's exactly the change we need to see. I think we all know when we're shifting our paradigm, we expect resistance, but almost by definition, if we don't get resistance, we're not doing our job. We're not really changing the conversation, and of course, we've seen similar things here. We're seeing a lot right now about how the dietetics organizations are fighting health coaches because they want to be the sole providers of nutritional information, and they're arguing that nobody other than a registered dietitian should be able to offer nutrition advice, which I personally think is just crazy. Unfortunately, this stuff, it's not just about logic and what’s the best direction from an evidence-based perspective. We have to deal with all the messy human stuff that comes along with it, and that's fine. We'll get there one way or the other.

Dr. Chatterjee: We will get there, Chris. You mentioned this about dietetics in the US. It was literally last week where a big story came out on the BBC website, a new radio documentary that they did, or was featured in talking about how doctors don't learn about nutrition at medical school or very much in this country, and my quotes were heavily featured in that BBC article. I haven’t read it. I didn't know it was out, actually. My friends texted me and said, “Hey, look, this is out.” I thought, “Wow, this is going to pick up a lot of noise.” There was quite a lot of what I call abuse … No, I won't quite call it abuse, but there was a lot of interaction on Twitter from dieticians. I said, “Look, we're not getting enough.” One of the ways I have tried to make a change here is with this Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine course, which is just a one-day masterclass to teach other healthcare professionals, in particular, medical doctors how they can start to apply these principles in their current system, and this is why there is no dietician teaching that.

I very respectfully interacted back, and I said, “Look, guys, I absolutely respect your expertise. We're teaching in a system, a framework, a new set of principles for people to apply. Everything that we taught was well within our expertise levels to teach.” And no one was responding to that. They just kept saying, “Dieticians are the only people who can give nutritional advice on medical problems. No, this is not serious because there's no dietician there.” And I thought, when you take a step back and you set the emotion out there, I find it remarkable. What I would expect some prefer is, “Hey, look, that is great. You're trying to make a difference here. I’ll tell you what, I've got some interesting things and I can answer that. Can we get together? Can I actually suggest what I'm up to add to that course?” I’d be very open to that. I don’t really understand the assumption that our course is no good when you haven’t attended it, whereas everyone who attended thought it was superb, and I thought that really just shows what we're finding out there, which is a lot of ego, frankly, which there's really no place for that in healthcare because ego is getting in the way of getting people better, and this is not just about one organization fighting with another. We've got a serious problem, Chris. Any disease you want, I mean, type 2 diabetes is one that often gets spoken about, in 2012, so that’s six years ago, we think that type 2 diabetes was costing the UK in direct and indirect costs £20 billion a year. What’s that, about $26 billion a year?

Chris: Incomprehensible.

Dr. Chatterjee: An obscene amount for a condition that by and large is an environmental illness. This is driven by our lifestyle and our environment.

Chris: That number is $250 billion in the US, by the way. This is the population differential.

Dr. Chatterjee: And instead of fighting in terms of who has got the authority to give the right advice, let's just be more collaborative and go, “Hey, look, that's great. That's working or this is working. What can we do together?” Because patients get incredibly frustrated, the public gets incredibly frustrated, because they don’t know who to trust, and I think like you, Chris, I've just decided to just focus on doing what I do. I normally stay out those fights on Twitter, and the reason I got involved last week was because I was really trying to extend a hand of collaboration. And I would go, “Look, this is great. Let’s get together. Let’s meet for the greater good.” And I've learned that Twitter is not the best environment to actually try and change people's opinion.

Chris: Yes.

Dr. Chatterjee: I think things are changing, that's for sure, Chris. There's no question here that things are changing and I can't comment on how impactful my show has been, but I get told by a lot people that the show has been game-changing here.

Chris: Yes. I've definitely heard from lots of people and when I was over there in the UK I heard from lots of people who were turned on to these concepts from watching your show, both professionals and consumers. I think that you have had a big impact.

Dr. Chatterjee: I would say to people who do, if you do provide the links to the shows and they watch them, just to say, look this was edited for a mainstream audience. I think some viewers who may watch it might go, well, what happened there or what testing was done, you got to remember that actually this was a 9 p.m. primetime slot, so a lot of the things I did got very simplified. The narrative got quite simplified, but it was definitely a true narrative. It was definitely not inaccurate, but I would have preferred a lot more detail. But Chris, I've also learned, being in the media, that there are two sides to this. The show that I would want to make with all the detail in there, with all the science, we’ve probably had a hundred people watch that show, whereas the TV studios know how to edit and show in a way that actually engages the viewer, and so we have five million watching it. Initially I was frustrated that not all of my ideas and principles came across. Then I think, “Well, you know what? If 70 percent of your ideas came across to that many people, that's better than 100 percent to 50 people.”

Chris: That's right, absolutely. TV is that kind of medium. We're not talking about a book here. We're talking about a primetime TV, show so you have to customize accordingly, and I think you did a great job, from the episodes that I've seen.

Dr. Chatterjee: Thank you.

Dr. Chatterjee’s new book, How to Make Disease Disappear, and the 4 Pillar Plan

Chris: Speaking of books, let's talk a little bit about your new book, How to Make Disease Disappear. It's actually available in the US now. It was published in the UK as the 4 Pillar Plan, I believe, right?

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, absolutely.

Chris: At the beginning of the show I mentioned that you and I not only share a passion for reinventing healthcare; we also share a similar perspective on the most important way to do that, and in your book you talk about these four pillars, and they are actually identical to the four pillars that I mentioned in my 14Four online program. Tell us what they are and why you think they're so important for turning our health around.

Dr. Chatterjee: I'm just going to just back up a little bit just to say that on the two series of Doctor in the House I've done so far, I treated a wide variety of different conditions, whether it was type 2 diabetes, whether it was panic attacks and anxiety, whether it was insomnia, whether it was fibromyalgia, chronic back pain, irritable bowel syndrome, cluster headaches, all kinds of different things. And as I reflected, I thought, 80 percent of what I have done with every single family, no matter what their label is, no matter what we call that disease, 80 percent of it in its core was the same. I've been on an evolution of the past years, as I'm sure you have, Chris, as you've got more and more into this area that I love, doing all the fancy testing, and I love finding that little pathway that's not working and giving supplements as much as anyone.

But we often forget the low-hanging fruits and those four key areas of health which I call relaxation, food, movement, and sleep. When we make small changes in each of those four areas, it completely changes our biology in such a powerful way that many people don't realize. We’re always jumping for what's there, you know—what’s that something that we need? What is that test that I need? And more and more, Chris, I'm realizing that actually these four areas for me are the core pillars of health, and we would get so far off the way there with many of us if we just start applying these principles. Food and movement, of course, everyone has been talking about for years, but I think relaxation, which is the whole stress piece, and sleep is very much undervalued. This book came out in January in the UK and is doing incredibly well, and I think the reason it says press is because I've taken the pressure off people. I have said that there are four pillars, there are four core areas to this book, 25 percent of the book is literally on each of those pillars, and in each pillar there are five chapters, and each chapter is a suggestion. That was not prescription, it's a suggestion. That means there's 20 possible suggestions that you can do from the entire book. Now, I don't think anyone's going to manage 20 in the modern world. I think it’s going to be incredibly challenging, but say, “You don’t have to do 20.” Most of my patients tend to need to do about three in each, but I don't know for that individual, in the concepts of their life, in the concepts of their job, how many they will need to do. Some might get away with less, but the whole point of this book is about saying, “Look, you don’t need to be perfect in one area. You don’t need the perfect diet. If your diet is good enough, you're going to get more benefit from shifting over to another pillar and going to be bed one hour earlier or actually switching off for 20 minutes each day and do a bit of meditation.”

I've got many patients, Chris, who come to see me who actually, they have read a lot of blogs and their diet is pretty good by the time they come to see me. And I tell you, I had this type 2 diabetic patient recently, his diet was frankly outstanding. In fact, I would argue he was almost too aggressive with his carbohydrate intake, and he was stressing himself out because he could not get his blood sugars under control. And I remember seeing him and I said to him, “I don't think your diet is the issue here. I think the fact that you are chronically under stress and that you are a busy executive and you never have any downtime, I think these are the levers we need to turn to get your blood sugars under control.” And he was shocked because he thought it was all about carbs. He read it on the internet, he says, “No, no. I must be getting carbs from somewhere that I'm not realizing.” I said, “Look, honestly …” and I drew him this diagram—and I talk about this in the How to Make Disease Disappear book, I sort of go and say, “Look, if there are four possible things that could be playing a role and you have maxed out on your diet, if these other factors are driving your blood sugar now and you don't tackle them, it doesn't matter what you do with your diet since—” I won't get into the whole detail of the story, Chris, but essentially I got him to eat more carbs, but he started to prioritize relaxation, and I just traded with him. I made a deal with him, I said, “Just five minutes a day.” He said, “I can't do it.” I said, “Okay, what can you commit to?” And he came up with five minutes a day, we downloaded the Calm app, the meditation app in my clinic, and so he did that. He went for a 15-minute walk every day, and he had a relaxing practice before he went to bed. I'm not kidding you, Chris, but he came back maybe six or eight weeks later. He was eating more carbs and his blood sugar had come down back into the normal range.

I think even in the health sphere, a lot of us talk a lot about diets, and diet clearly is very important. I'm a huge advocate for changing one's diet, but it's not everything. I think we can over-obsess; we could hit a certain ceiling and forget those other big leaves that we could be turning. That's really where my approach comes from. The approach really comes from what I've learned from my patients both on the TV series, but also in 17 years of practice, which is anyone could go on a seven-day or ten-day diet and lose weight or feel better. The question is, can they still be following that in two months, in six months, and in 12 months?

The approach that I sort of lay out in my book is very simple. I think it's achievable for pretty much everyone, and I think it takes the pressure off people because I say quite clearly, “Look, I don’t expect you to get all of these things, and actually, if you read one of these chapters and you don’t like the suggestion I make, don’t do it. Choose one that does fit with your belief system and your lifestyle,” because there was a lot of crossover there and I think certainly for me, I think that's where the magic is here, which is that if you do about two in each, two sustainable ones in each, I think you're going to get really profound results.

And Chris, sometimes, I don’t know how you feel, but sometimes I feel very burnt out. We’re trying to go around the country and spread this message as far and wide as possible. A few weeks ago, I was really lucky. Jamie Oldman advised me to come out and have lunch with him to talk about can we really start to make an impact with the obesity epidemic in children. It was a great meeting. It went on quite a way. I'd been in London for two or three days, and I don't live in London. I was on the train back home in the evening. I was exhausted. I got over to the station, and my wife, I texted her, she replied that she’s asleep, the kids were asleep, so I asked the cab to stop in a supermarket and I thought to kind of nip in very quickly and buy some food. I walked in, and three people suddenly stopped and turned around, and the lady said, “Oh, my God.” I was like, “What’s happening?” And she said, “Oh, my God, doctor. We’ve just been talking about your book. I literally bought this book six weeks ago. I've been ill for ten years. I had to give up work with fibromyalgia, and I've spent all my savings on private treatment, and all I've done is apply the principles in your book, and I've never been this good. I've been to the gym four times this week, sleeping eight hours a night, I've got more energy.” And her husband came and gave me a big hug, and I thought, this is why I'm doing what I'm doing, is because just for that one moment alone, it was worth the months it took me to write the book. And there's many more moments like that.

But as you would’ve experienced, Chris, no doubt many times in your career that the point is that she hadn't taken any supplements. Again, I'm not saying supplements don’t have a value. If she was my patient, I may well have given her some things to support her mitochondria, but even that taught me that, wow, just by applying those lifestyle principles, the low-hanging fruit, actually, we can go a long way to where we need to, and that's really what I set out. I'm so proud it's coming out in America because your country's health outcomes, I think, are worse than ours.

Communication is the biggest skill for a healthcare professionals

Chris: Yes. We hold that distinction. We're ahead of the pack with far of that goes. We’re behind on many measures of healthcare safety and efficacy.

Dr. Chatterjee: There's a story I got, why I started the book. This is actually before I knew the in-depth Functional Medicine knowledge that I know now, Chris. I remember it was earlier on in my days as a GP. I was in a busy Monday afternoon surgery. I had three people waiting outside. This was years ago. I was trying to sort of catch up, and a 16-year-old boy comes in with his mother and ultimately, basically, there's a letter that he basically tried to harm himself on a Saturday and he ended up in the ER. He was discharged from the ER. They thought he was safe to be discharged, but there was a letter for him to come and see me on Monday and for me to start him on antidepressants. Now, I didn't know as much as I know today, but something intuitively did not feel right to me at all. I don’t know what's going on here. This family seems to be, with me, well balanced. I can't quite figure out what's been going on here. I spent a little bit of time talking, and I said, “Guys, look, can you guys come about tomorrow at the end of my morning surgery, and I'll spend a bit longer with you?” And they said, “Okay, fine.” I, of course, made sure he was safe to send home that night, and that's no sort of immediate issue.

He comes back the next day and the end of it, at the end of our sort of 20 to 25 minutes of chatting, I started to feel, could it be an issue with his use of social media? Because I was really worried how much he used it and what his feelings were like after he was using it. I said to him, “Look, I'm not sure that the way you're using social media is helping you. Would you be interested in me helping you to reduce that?” He said, “What do you think is going to help, doc?” I said, “Well, look, honestly, I don't know, but before we put you on these antidepressants, if you're interested, let me help you do this.” What we did, we said, can you one hour before bed switch off your smartphone? And he goes, “Do you think it’s going to help?” I said, “Look, why don’t we try it?”

He goes away and he does that for a week, and seven days later he comes back in—and just to be clear, this is within the realms of conventional ten-minute appointments. He comes back to see me, and I said, “How are you feeling?” He said, “I started to feel great. I'm sleeping better. I'm less up and down through the day. Something has changed.” Now Chris, don’t get me wrong, the guy is still not doing very well at all, not to make a small improvement. But now I've got buy-in that there's something here he might be able to impact. Over the course of the next few weeks, we move it to two hours where he doesn’t go on his devices or his phone for two hours in the evening, and he's getting better and better. He’s still not great, but he’s improving each time.

And then I was reading some research about how our diets can influence our mental health, and so I asked him, “What are you eating?” And it was a classic teenager’s diet of sugary, processed junk food, a blood sugar roller coaster all day, and I explained to him, I drew him out a sort of picture and said, “Hey, don’t you realize actually, maybe two hours at your breakfast when your blood sugar is falling rapidly, that is a stress response to your body, and it's not just the blood sugar issue. It's not just that you need to eat a bit more for concentration that is impacting your cortisol levels, your adrenaline levels, and all your mood hormones.” He said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah. The foods you're eating I think are also impacting this.” And so, I drew him a picture and I said, “A few more healthy fats throughout the day …”

In the interest of time, I won't get into the whole case, Chris, but essentially, I helped him make some simple changes to his diet, not full-on perfection, just simple changes, and he started to improve, and I don’t see him for six months. I go into my surgery, and I got a letter waiting for me, and it’s basically his mother. It said, “Dear Dr. Chatterjee, I just want to thank you. You’ve completely changed Evan’s life. He’s like a different boy. He’s happy at school. He is interacting with his friends. He joins clubs at the weekends. I just want to thank you.”

But really, that case has taught me so much, that just simple lifestyle changes, when explained clearly, when explained in a way that actually resonates with the person in front of you, can have a profound impact. I'm not claiming this happens in every case, Chris, absolutely not. But that taught me a lot how … those simple things. And a lot of people say, “Yeah, a 16-year-old will never listen to you.” I disagree. If you connect with that person and actually, we’ve spoken about that, Chris, and something I'm very passionate about is that actually I think the biggest skill for a healthcare professional is actually not scientific knowledge, but can we connect to communicate with the person in front of us? Because I find every patient wants to be as healthy as they can. They don't want to be struggling. They don’t want to be on your waiting list or on my waiting list. Actually they want to be living their life. We assume, and certainly in my profession in the UK, we assume a lot of the patients don't do what we tell them today. I don't really buy into that. I just think if we can connect with them and we can it make achievable for them, they do want to make those changes. And that's essentially what I do in my book, Chris. I make these changes seem achievable for everybody, and I think that's why so many people are resonating with the message.

Small changes tend to make the biggest impact

Chris: And they are. I'm in exactly the same place as you, Rangan, because after many years of doing very … sometimes going down the Functional Medicine rabbit hole, which as you know, can take you pretty deep, I'm more convinced than ever, as you are, that in many cases the basics are what matter most. And I would also say, and this is very consistent with your book, that we often make the mistake of assuming that big problems require big interventions to make a difference. What I've found is actually it's a series of small changes that tends to make the biggest impact, instead of these hugely dramatic interventions. I think that's really the message with your book as well.

Dr. Chatterjee: And I think, Chris, we've all got … one thing I've recognized, we all got our own personal bias, because when I changed my diet, that's such a profound impact to the way I feel that I then was assuming that it all starts with food. That's that key intervention. Now I'm saying that isn't the case, but I've learnt, I see those four pillars as like, they all feed into each other in a circle. You can get on wherever you want, but it will all feed around. If you want to start with food, that is fine. I started with food, but I had a patient we see with a mental health problem who frankly was not interested in changing his diet, but I could persuade him to become more physically active and as we ramped up his physical activity, he then wanted to start eating better, which then had an impact on his sleep, etc., etc., etc., so I kind of learnt over the 17 years of seeing patients, just do not assume anything about your patients. They may not want to start what you want to start, and that really has helped me define that very simplistic … I think the structure of my book, Chris, is actually deceptively simple because the chapter titles are actually quite a simple intervention. I sort of walk people through the science, but then bring it back to say, actually, the lifestyle intervention at the end of all that science is relatively straightforward. I don’t think we realize … I've got this phrase I use quite a lot now, which is, “Consciously make changes to your lifestyle to unconsciously change your biology,” and that in a nutshell is the approach I take to these things.

Chris: Well, this has been fantastic. I'm so glad you could take time out of your busy schedule to join us, and as I mentioned, How to Make Disease Disappear is out today in the US. I definitely recommend checking it out. As I said, I believe that a series of these small changes, even for people who are, and this is a key point, who are really knowledgeable about this stuff … I mean, my patients are some of the most informed, knowledgeable patients that you're ever going to find. I mean, they are people who have been reading these books and following the blog post, and in many cases they're healthcare professionals themselves, and yet in my work with them I often find that the biggest difference comes from making some of these changes like implementing a digital detox or tech Sabbath one day a week, or starting a stress management practice, or incorporating more time for leisure and pleasure in their life. These things might seem insignificant compared to doing thousands of dollars of lab testing and treatment, but frankly, in many cases they end up making a bigger difference.

[Crosstalk]

Chris: Yes, exactly. How could that be more powerful than—

Dr. Chatterjee: ___ real medicine. This is fine. I know about that, but is this real medicine, that’s the nub of the matter.

Chris: Absolutely. I've been beating this drum for many months now. I think it's just really become even more clear to me, and it's one of the reasons we're launching a health coach training program. Actually, by the time this is out, enrollment will already be open for it because I so deeply believe that diet, lifestyle, and behavior change are the key, and the problem is that it sounds almost trite. We said that so many times, people are like, “Yeah, yeah. Tell me something I don't already know.” But we don't already know it because if we did, we’d be acting and behaving differently.

Even myself, I mean, this is something that I continually have to come back to. For example, whereas I am about the effects of technology and I do a pretty good job of limiting my use over the last several months, I'd started to slip, and so we drew a hard line in the sand, and we've gone back to Sunday as being absolutely completely technology-free. We just put our iPads and computers in a drawer. We don't interact with technology at all, and it's been absolutely transformative to go back to that, and now we're planning a vacation soon where we're going to have another experience where we've done every year where we're completely off the grid. No technology for eight or nine days, and I can tell you that that has as big of an impact on my health as just about anything else.

Dr. Chatterjee: Chris, just before we went live in February of this year, I've just been … the book came out in the UK in January, and obviously today it's out of the US, which is just fantastic, but I was burnt out from all the book promo, speaking to hundreds of people. I've been all around the country. You’ve experienced this before, Chris, the irony of promoting a health book is what you do to your own health once you're doing that. And we booked a very last-minute holiday to … we went to a place called Dubai, and I made a big deal of it on my Facebook and my Instagram. I said, “Guys, you will not be getting anything from any of my channels over the next nine or ten days.” Not only did I say that, I managed to do it. We got to the hotel, and I put my laptop and my phone in the safe, and they stayed there. I tell you, that holiday was probably the best holiday I've ever had because I don’t think we realize how much noise technology constantly, it just nags away at you and it just drains your mental energy day after day after day.

I love tech as much as the next guy. Like you, Chris, I go through an ebb and flow. Sometimes I slip into bad habits, and we all need constant reminders. I mean, just because we are sort of preaching this stuff, it doesn't mean we are perfect by any stretch of the imagination. It’s a constant challenge, and I think that collaboration with health coaches is absolutely the way forward, and I'm delighted to hear about that. But if you have not … some people might say, “I can't do a whole eight or nine days without tech.” Okay, fine. Try it on a Sunday morning. Try going to the park with your kids and don’t take your phone with you. It is a different experience. As soon as I come back, I feel like I've got a holiday just when I'm not on my phone for four hours. It’s just incredible.

Chris: Yes. We don't recognize how much it influences us until we get that break, and I definitely recommend starting tomorrow night. Like you said, don't start with nine days—that's probably going to be too difficult—but start with half a day and or even an hour and see what kind of impact it makes.

Dr. Chatterjee: I've always taken with myself … not always with myself, actually, I am sort of pretty strict with myself, and I’ve got myself into trouble sometimes trying to really stick to some really hard-core health regime. What I learnt what is sustainable are these small changes that are achievable because … let’s say, for example, one of the things I recommend—I talk a lot about strength training, as you do, Chris. It's very much undervalued, when we talk about movement and exercise, people often undervalue how important lean muscle mass is. A few years ago I was telling my patients, I was saying, “Hey, guys, once you go past 30, you can lose up to 5 percent of your muscle mass every 10 years. Your muscle mass is one of the biggest indicators of your health as you get older.” And so you got to join the gym and do some…” A few weeks later they come back, and I say, “How are you getting on?” “Oh, you know, doc, I can't manage it. It’s too far.”

I've always thought, okay, I'm giving advice that they are not able to follow. I never felt that actually, you know what? These guys are not doing what I'm telling them to do. I go, okay, clearly the advice I'm giving them doesn't resonate with them in the context of their life, so I came up with a saying in my book, and I actually did it on one of the shows in Doctor in the House, sort of five-minute kitchen workouts, which is basically a very simple bodyweight workout that anybody can do of any age. I've literally got patients in their 20s doing it, patients in their 70s doing it. You don't need any equipment and you can get a really good strength workout doing it. You don’t have to join the gym. You don’t need to get changed, and I've always looked at, how can I make these things practical for people? And what I found is when they say they don’t have time, then I say, “Well, can you give me five minutes twice a week?” “Yeah, of course I can.” You start off slow, and they do this five minutes twice a week. They start to feel the benefits, and before you know it, they're doing it six times a week.

I talked about this in the book. There’s a couple in their 60s who I taught the five-minute kitchen workout in my clinic room, and they thought I was mad, and they were a little bit skeptical. And they said, “Okay, doc, we'll give it a go here.” And they started it off, and they enjoyed it so much, when they came back to me see me four weeks later, they said, “Look, when we run our evening bath upstairs, on the landing we both do it for about seven minutes now, five nights a week.”

Chris: That’s great.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes. It's incredible. Wow. Can we really make a difference? When you set the bar low, people achieve it, then they want to do more. If you set the bar too high, people don’t achieve it, they just give up. This approach, I think, is quite different from what I've seen five or six years ago. And like you, Chris, I listen to my patients, I learn from my patients, and this is the approach I think works for the vast majority of people.

Chris: That’s fundamentally a coaching approach. I mean, there's a concept in coaching called “shrink the change,” which means you take a big change you want to make, and you have to break it into smaller, more actionable steps, which is exactly what you did there. I mean, that's why I'm so excited about the coaching program because we assume that people, when they don't change, it's because they don't have enough information. We just need to give them more information, and then they'll change, but really, that's actually not the case. People don't change because they don't know how to change, and we as practitioners don't know how to support them in making that change. Just learning about how human beings actually do change and incorporating some of that into our work can make a huge difference.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, absolutely. Chris, before we go, I just want to say how much I respect the work that you have done over the past few years. I think very few people have done as much as you to raise awareness of ancestral approaches, Functional Medicine approaches, lifestyle medicine approaches, and yes, I just want to give a lot of gratitude to you. I think your blog is fantastic, and I'm very much in awe of the work that you’ve done.

Chris: Oh, thank you, Rangan, I appreciate that. Everybody, How to Make Disease Disappear is available today on Amazon and elsewhere. Do check it out. We'll put a link in the show notes to your YouTube channel, Rangan, where people can watch some of the episodes of the show. I think that would be a great thing for everybody to see, and I look forward to seeing you again next time when our paths cross, Rangan, and good luck with the book and everything else.

Dr. Chatterjee: Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you soon.

Chris: All right. Great.

The post RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee appeared first on Chris Kresser.

Source: http://chriskresser.com May 01, 2018 at 06:03PM

#paleo #recipe #food #delicious #healthy #yum #diet

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Episode 2 Transcript: (NURSE) Turning Setbacks into Success with Kim Ceccarelli

Rachael Barksdale: Welcome to the Career Bites podcast where we make career exploration easy - and fun! This week, I explore a career that has been front and center in this pandemic - nursing. I am so fortunate that my guest took time out of her busy schedule to speak with me, given that she is not only a full-time nurse, but also a mother to a toddler and expecting her second! Kim Ceccarelli is a progressive care unit (PCU) nurse in Oregon, but the path to get there wasn’t an easy one - and for Kim, the journey isn’t over yet. I hope her story will inspire you to persevere as you embark on your own path. Here’s my conversation with Kim.

A lot of people are watching the news and seeing all of these nurses talk about the COVID situation and personally, having worked with a lot of nurses when I had my first kid almost a year ago - nursing is really intense! I personally super admire anybody who’s a nurse or wants to be a nurse because I know I don’t have what it takes. Why did you choose to go into nursing?

Kim Ceccarelli: So the starting point, I mean in high school I always had like, you know, that career that I wanted to get into. But I never understood why I wanted to be in it. I just knew that it was something that I really liked being a part of because I always volunteered at the hospitals. My first volunteer gig was at the - like in the medical ICU at Madigan which is on the Fort Lewis military base back home in Tacoma. And I just always admired the work ethic, the way they interacted with patients, just how sharp they were, too, and just how much the doctors and the pharmacists always turned to them. But then it’s like, I always admired them but then I wasn’t sure, like what is it about me that could contribute to this area? And then the turning point happened while I was in college, still trying to figure out my path. I bounced around a little because life was happening, and one of those major life events was that my grandmother who - who lived with us - she was having issues with small strokes and whatnot, but she had the big one while I was on holiday break. And that scared the...the dickens out of me and...but you know, high school because I had to work in a hospital as a volunteer, I had like CPR skills and whatnot, but I just turned her to her side because she was having the stroke, and eventually she had a seizure, which I didn’t know all that connected at the time, and had to call 9-1-1. And that was a really scary situation, you know, having a personal loved one go through that. And again, it was the nurses in the emergency room who calmed us down, and her down, as well as my mother who was sobbing tears, you know. It was the nurses - after the doctors explained things in confusing medical lingo, that the nurses made more sense about like what the imaging was, what medications they were giving, how long she might be there. And then it was the nurses who, eventually when my grandmother went into hospice, they took such good care of her toward the end of her life that just being involved with it even just indirectly, like on a personal level now, was like “I want to be that for other people”. And so, I persisted and - but that was kind of why I chose to be a nurse.

Rachael: Wow, that is super inspiring. And, what a crazy way to get into that, to have your grandmother have that experience.

Kim: Mm-hm.

Rachael: That’s scary, but sometimes it’s those really intense life moments that push us down a certain path. So, you mentioned some of those things that nurses did, they were the ones that explained what was going on in terms you could understand, they were the ones that were comforting...If I were to shadow you during one of your shifts, what are some of the things that I would be experiencing?

Kim: We work 12-hour shifts, maybe other places do 10 or eight, but mainly in the hospital it's a 12-hour shift. We see you first thing in the morning. We’ll take your vital signs that range from your blood pressure, charting down your heart rate, measuring your respiration - so as you’re talking, we will not tell you that we’re measuring how much you’re breathing but we’ll do it very discreetly - we’ll check your blood sugar if that’s what we have to do. And then we kind of just do, like a little mini assessment, like head to toe, ask you your pain levels and whatnot, ask if you slept well if you were there overnight. And then just kind of review as to why you’re in the hospital because it’s always good to know what got you there in the first place. And I have a lot of patients, too, that don’t understand why they’re in the hospital either because of old age or they’re altered because of whatever their condition brought them in for, so we kind of just have that routine to kind of go over like “where is the patient at?” And so after I do my assessments, I usually check-out meds. Typically we have like these 8 or 9 o’clock medications that need to be given - that’s either stuff that they’ve been taking at home if they were taking, you know, maintenance medication, and anything new like that brought them there that they have new orders for, medications for. I’m always seeing how the patient’s doing, seeing if they have the strength to even sit up on the edge of the bed, if they can even swallow or drink well, if they can even take their medications at all. We are like a stroke unit too, as well, so I’m always trying to ensure their safety and make sure they don’t choke on their pills. And then a big chunk of my time lately is charting. At least for my unit, we have to chart like every four hours, and then even more frequently if we’re monitoring the trajectory for a stroke, or if they just got out of surgery usually it’s like every 30 minutes to an hour, just depends on what they’re there for and what kinds of protocols and procedures are in place for that kind of thing for charting. I’m always on the phone, too, if I’m not in a patient room, either mediating care with the nurse managers, the care coordinators. Sometimes these patients’ primary care clinics give us a call for an update. Sometimes I’m talking to hospice organizations if the patient is going that route. Then, I’m talking to the physicians, I’m talking to all the therapists - physical, speech and occupational - just asking how the patient’s doing. I’m talking to all of the imaging departments because we have to coordinate times for x-rays and CTs and MRIs, all that kind of stuff and...I feel like I’m always mediating when I’m not in a patient room. And sometimes, depending on family dynamics, I’m talking to a handful of family members who are okay to get information, because we do have confidentiality laws, but I mean if I’m able to talk to a family member - if it’s okay with the patient or if they’re a power of attorney. Some families like to call throughout the day and some just want a quick update first thing in the morning. I mean all that makes for a really busy day. Then you get things like, that blindside you, like codes or rapid responses, or just like a change in health status that takes all of my attention.

Rachael: It sounds like you don’t have any down time whatsoever, which I think for some people is great, they want to be busy. And that’s good to know for some people that - they’re considering nursing but they need those breaks. I mean you’re going 12 hours straight. How often do you do your 12-hour shifts in a week?

Kim: Yeah, so, I mean, if you’re 12-hour shifts in a hospital typically it’s three days a week. You can have those either all consolidated into three days in a row which is very tiring, but I mean, if you’re young and you can do it - kudos. But even at 30 I’m like “oh my gosh I am so exhausted”. And usually that first day off after three days, which is like 36 hours in three days, but then you account for like, you know, getting to work and staying late sometimes because of charting, or like something happened at the end of the shift. Sometimes it is 40 hours in three days.

Rachael: Wow.

Kim: Which some people don’t seem to understand when they’re like “oh yeah, you only work three days a week that must be really nice” but if you have all those days clumped together, which a lot of hospitals make you do, it’s...it’s rough.

Rachael: Right, it’s just the super-concentrated work week, that’s what it is.

Kim: Oh yeah. I mean, I will say, a lot of my lulls happen like at 2 or 3 o’clock. And I will say also that I’m super fortunate that I’m part of a hospital that has a union that fought for breaks. Breaks are legal, we’re supposed to have your three 15-minute breaks and a one 30-minute break. Some places don’t necessarily do that. I’m not going to, like, name-call or anything, but that’s kind of the consensus in nursing that people just go without their breaks, and that that’s just normal. But that’s not normal and it’s not safe for patient-care or for nursing staff. Yeah, luckily I am in a union that fought to add an extra nursing position to have what we call a “break relief nurse”. So I - I fortunately get all of my breaks. So that makes a huge difference in my day.

Rachael: That’s awesome.

Kim: I feel really grateful to have that.

Rachael: One of the questions I had written down here to ask was how you felt about these ongoing concerns, you know way before COVID pushed every hospital to the limit, about the nursing profession at large having nurses overworked and underpaid, culturally kind of under-appreciated. They’re sort of the teachers of the...of the medical profession, you know, they’re completely essential and yet, unfortunately, disregarded in a lot of ways. I guess, do you want to elaborate on...on your thoughts on that or how you’re seeing the situation from the inside?

Kim: Even before I started working as a nurse, during my clinicals in the two years - two, three years before becoming one - yeah, I just wondered, like, when is my preceptor going to have her break? Like, what’s in place? You go 12 and a half hours almost, thirteen or fourteen depending on what goes on, and I’m like, “this shouldn’t be a culture that’s accepted like this”. We need to feel more appreciated by management. So, I mean, it’s hit or miss, I haven’t worked at a place that doesn’t have a union or - I mean, most of the area hospitals in my, in my state do have unions except for maybe one, but breaks and management of relief for these nurses is pretty standard or at least it’s trying to be the standard. But no, I just, I just don’t think like that culture of not having your breaks and going for 12 hours straight should be accepted and I...I definitely signed the papers to, you know, have that be considered in a contract of ours at work. So it takes a lot of advocating and fighting for ourselves to make sure that we get that respect and those breaks.

Rachael: For sure. So nursing, again, this really intense profession, takes a lot of your time, what would you say would be the top three attributes for someone who’s successful as a nurse?

Kim: One is you need to have a strong backbone. Not all patients are very nice. They will say really mean things to us. Sometimes they don’t even want to be there because maybe a family member brought them in out of concern, or they didn’t understand why they were going because they’re so confused. And you know, in altered states some people can be really combative and whatnot. But we have to have a really strong backbone to just not take those kinds of things personally. Some people are just really sick so they just say some really mean things because they’re vulnerable, and we have to realize that. And so I always say, like, you have to meet the patient where they’re at. So that’s why I do that little review at the start of my shift, which includes introducing myself and reviewing their course of care, and what to expect for the day. And then, second is to never act like you know it all because nursing is an ongoing learning process. And even though I precept and train new hires, or new graduate nurses, like three years into this, I - I still feel like I’m always learning, even new procedures alongside the doctor like just - supplies, I’m like “oh, I’ve never heard of that kind of catheter or whatever” - but it was a preference for a physician and that makes the procedure go easier like for paracenteses and whatnot. Yeah, so it’s always being willing to learn, too, and always accepting advice even from older and newer nurses just to receive their input, because I feel like you’re not going to go anywhere if you’re not willing to learn more. And then another attribute is - I know you mentioned earlier that nurses are underpaid or - but it depends on where you work, hospitals do get the highest pay and such - but that’s not what influenced why...and so we should always reflect and acknowledge that getting into nursing is so much more than just the pay. But it’s because you legitimately want to care for the people that are kind of under your wing. And because they’re going to be from all stages of life, all walks of life, they’ll be at a different stage in, like, their illness either toward the end of life or maybe they just found out something, you want to have the compassion and the empathy for people who are going through these trying times. Especially now in light of COVID.

Rachael: I’m going to take a step back then and let’s talk about how you got to nursing in the first place. We talked a little bit about this before the call, about your unorthodox education path to get to this point, so walk us through that. After high school, what path did you take and what did you learn after going through that process?

Kim: Yeah, for sure. So like I said before our call started, I went and did, you know, the four-year college route, because, you know, that’s all that was kind of ingrained into us in high school, like “go to a four-year college”. So I went. I discovered that I’m not a really great person with studying or I didn’t have like a really good study ethic cemented for myself. Life also happened, like I said, when I was a sophomore in college my grandmother had that stroke. So I was in and out of the university campus helping my mom set my grandma up for, you know, the different areas of healthcare that she needed, like hospice and dealing with the emotions of that. So life happens. I ended up getting a degree out of Gonzaga in psychology because that’s what I ended up changing my major to. It was nursing at the time, but because of life I had to change it. And I actually had an advisor that told me that because of one low grade that I shouldn’t be a nurse. So even though I had, like you know, that turning point in my life that inspired me to become a nurse, I also had someone who told me not to. And that was - that was me saying “I - I’m not going to listen to that”. Why would an advisor say, “you shouldn’t be what you’ve always wanted to be”? So that was definitely a driving force too, but you know I persisted because it was really truly what I wanted. And I - after Gonzaga I had to take a few prerequisites just to kind of, you know, get that A-grade or to really solidify my knowledge in that area, especially anatomy and physiology. And then applying to nursing school was a whole other ball game. Nursing schools are very competitive. They usually have really really large application pools for a small cohort. For example, the school that I eventually got into, there were 600 applications the year that I applied, but they only took, like, 80 students. Which feels like a lot, but out of 600 applicants that’s not a lot. And the applicants for these nursing schools, it’s just so large at any of the schools that you look into and so...It took a couple years to get into this program, but again, persistence was the name of the game for me and I was like “I am not giving up”. So in that time that I had to reapply, and ever since I got out of Gonzaga, I knew how important it was to start working directly with patients. So I worked in assisted living facilities, I worked in skilled nursing homes, I worked with patients in memory care - and honestly, the care that my grandmother received inspired me to look into these areas so I understood what she was going through when she eventually had to be out of the home. Yeah, so I went through to do a two-year associate's degree. A two-year associate’s degree still allowed me to sit for the national licensure exam, called the NCLEX. That in itself was a - that was a doozy and I spent like seven weeks straight just studying and honing my ability to take tests. Because that’s really what it is, it’s like how well can you take a test? The information you learn in school was honestly enough to help you take the exam, but you really had to hone in your test-taking skills with that. I got licensed on my first try. You hear as nurses that “oh, someone passed it the, like you know, the minimum amount of questions”, which is 75, like their thing shut-off. Because I have to work extra hard at everything I do I feel like, I finished at like 115 questions. And the exam can let you take as many as like 250 questions for this licensure exam - so I felt good, and you know, it was a really hard two or three days to wait, but I got - I got licensed by the state of Oregon and I was extremely happy with myself. All that hard work of, you know, working and being rejected initially, my - my grandmother’s passing, like all that really culminated into that one moment where I read the email saying “Congrats! You are now a licensed nurse”. It was a very tearful and joyful moment. But I still pressed on, like even though I just got licensed I felt like I didn’t really have time to celebrate because I was looking for a job. And then even after I started a job I still needed to get a Bachelor’s of Science in Nursing because that was kind of the minimum degree to have in hospitals especially. So...and I wanted to make sure, you know, I covered all my bases. So my first year that I was working I worked nights, three times a week for the 12-hour shifts, and at the same time I was attending an RN to BSN program at Oregon Health and Science University. That was for an entire year, so three-quarters - I got my holiday breaks and whatnot. And that focus was very different from my associate’s degree. My associate’s degree was very hands-on learning, was more about pathophysiology, pharmacology, how to do assessments, like things to look for, like practically basically. But OHSU taught me about more in-depth on nursing leadership, epidemiology, community health concerns and that kind of stuff - which I really liked. Some people maybe were like “oh, that’s not very different from like the ADN” but I really thought that that helped me hone in my critical thinking skills as a registered nurse, and I was very appreciative of having that opportunity to go to OHSU. Because the nice thing is this RN to BSN program partnered with my community college and seven others in the area that allowed associate’s degree nurses to transition to this program without having to competitively apply. So it was like a nice, seamless transition to a BSN program so that we could get more BSN graduates in the workforce. Because they - there was something from the Institute of Medicine or whatnot that said that they’re trying to get like a certain percentage of nurses with their BSNs in an effort to improve patient care. Which I think is cool, so that’s nice to have in our area and I feel very lucky to have that.

Rachael: To clarify, you don’t need to have your bachelor’s degree to become a nurse, you only need to have a two-year degree and pass the licensure exam, correct?

Kim: Mm-hm, basically. And an associate’s program can let you do that. But the hold-up is is that most hospitals, or most health systems, they’re trying to phase that out almost so they’re trying to make the minimum requirement to even apply to have a bachelor’s degree. Which it makes it confusing because it’s like “well, why do we have all these associate’s degree programs?” But one, it’s inexpensive compared to like a four-year college that offers a BSN, and it honestly I feel like it makes it have better access to nursing, just getting the education that way.

Rachael: So you mentioned you went right into a four-year degree program and that didn’t work for you...Would you recommend to potential future nursing students to go the associate’s degree route?

Kim: If time and money are important factors I would say, bring out the money if you know exactly what you want at 18, to go for that four-year degree. But if, like, money is an issue then going the community college route to get like your prereqs done and finding a program that has a nursing school, like an associate’s degree nursing program, to go that route, just to save money. It really depends on what your priorities are and what your financial capabilities are, too, to going to school - because no one wants to have loans. So you have to do what’s best for you financially too. And a bachelor’s program I’ve found, some people - the ones that I’ve gone to school with - was a little harder to look into because I felt like they wouldn’t be able to get the childcare, whereas the community college I went to, they provided childcare whilst kids were in class. There was an on-campus kind of, like, childcare program that was available. So it really depends…

Rachael: Do you have other future education or career aspirations going forward?

Kim: Even when I got my associate’s degree my sisters always joked with me that I will forever be in school or aspire to forever be in school. Which is kind of funny and true at the same time. Because I really do want to get the highest terminal degree and get that satisfaction of saying that I did it and that I’m doing this for myself, but I’m also doing it for my patients and the care that I provide. So I actually have a couple applications out to area nurse practitioner programs, and specifically I want to be an adult gerontology nurse practitioner in primary care. I love my hospital gig, I love everything about it: I love the people I work with, I love the patient population...18 and over. So that’s been, like, my niche and the area I thrive in. But a lot of the care that I provide is very reactive. I see them, you know, while they’re at their sickest and then when they’re - when they’re well enough to go home or stable, like I have no idea what happens after that. And that’s kind of the piece of healthcare that I’m like, “well, how are they doing?” Like, I want to know how they’re doing. And so what kind of influenced the whole nurse practitioner route was that I want to be a provider that helps people stay out of the hospital and help them manage with proper education and follow ups to help them manage, you know, their chronic conditions like whether it be diabetes or cardiac issues or whatnot. You know, help them manage it at home and give them the power to be able to manage it. And so that’s kind of what sparked that, just the whole reactive process in the hospital, and then...I just don’t feel...fulfilled not knowing how they’re doing after that discharge day. And then you also wonder - or I’ve also wondered - “why does this same patient keep coming back for the same thing (recurrence in like a heart failure exacerbation)?” Like are they not taking meds? Is there no access to their meds? Do they - can they not get to their primary care physician, because are they too far? Or do they have transportation issues? Like all those things really, like, buzz around my head: “why is this patient here?” The hospital’s great, we do our job, but you’re only in the hospital because you’re very, very sick. And I feel like management outside of the hospital is super-duper important, for all of our health.

Rachael: I feel like that just goes to show how much you care about what you do as a nurse and just who you are as a person that those considerations cross your mind and inspire you to be the best nurse and the best healthcare professional possible so…

Kim: Mm-hm.

Rachael: That’s super inspiring for me, personally, just to know that you care so much that you want to be the best that you can, not necessarily just for yourself but for others as well. If there was one piece of advice you would give a high school student, whether they are looking into nursing or not, about adulting and choosing a career path, what would that piece of advice be?

Kim: Honestly, with getting into the career that I’m in now, getting your feet wet and working right away, whether it be in any capacity, to get into a medical field. There are a lot of certificate programs out there and places that even you could volunteer in as a high schooler. It’s really important to get your feet wet so that you understand and know what you’re getting into, and see how you interact and just how you do with other people at their worst. Is that something you could handle? The blood-and-guts thing is also one factor. I have had people who’ve shadowed me and they’re like “I can’t do this. I can’t deal with the needles, I can’t deal with that”. So it’s like always getting your feet wet and just kind of diving in. Like, don’t say “oh I want to be this” without the experience or the knowledge or the capacity to handle it, so I always say get your feet wet in whatever capacity you can either through work, either through volunteering, career interviewing, what have you, anything. Always reach out. And I feel like a lot of primary care offices are really good places to start, like if you have a primary care physician. Just even asking the nurses who work there, or the medical assistants, anything to get started.

Rachael: That was Kim Ceccarelli, PCU nurse. To learn more about becoming a nurse, check out our show notes. Subscribe to and rate Career Bites podcast on your favorite listening platform. Follow us on Instagram @careerbitespod, or like us on Facebook. Join us next Monday as we sample another career with an everyday professional.

#career #career bites #nursing #nurse #Oregon #medicine #health #covid

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littlej097 · 7 years ago

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Klaine Advent- Health

Summary: It’s hard being sick, but nothing can prepare you for when you’re a parent and your child is sick. Daddy!Klaine

Note: This should be fairly accurate. I’m a nursing student and I actually witnessed a case pretty similar to this during my time in the Children’s ER yesterday.

It’s always hard being sick. However, nothing prepares you for when you’re a parent and your child is sick. Penny had woken Kurt and Blaine up around one o’clock in the morning by screaming her head off. It was strange because she normally slept through the night since she was two now. “I’ll go get her.” Kurt told Blaine. He pushed himself out of bed and padded down the hallway and into Penny’s nursery. “Oh honey, what’s the matter?” Kurt cooed. He picked the two year old out of her crib and instantly could feel the heat radiating off her skin.

“Papa!” She cried and gripped onto his pajamas. Kurt held his baby and then took her back to their room.

“Blaine, wake up.” Kurt said as he shook his husband awake. Blaine woke up pretty quickly because Penny was still screaming pretty loudly. “I think Penny is sick.” The toddler reached out towards Blaine and he took the little girl into his arms. “I’m going to go and get a thermometer.” Kurt added. He hurried into the bathroom while Blaine shushed Penny and bounced her slightly. Before Kurt could come back, something truly awful happen. Penny went pale and promptly vomited all over Blaine’s pajamas. Blaine was frozen not knowing what to do.

“Kurt!” he called. Kurt came rushing in and saw that his husband was covered in vomit.

“Oh god, gross.” Kurt exclaimed. He went over and took Penny from Blaine and let him get up to change his clothes. “I was really hoping this wasn’t going to be a stomach virus thing.”

“Tell me about it.” Blaine muttered. “It’s going to be a long night.”

By the morning, all three Anderson-Hummels were exhausted. Penny had been up all night throwing up and her fever had reached 100.5. She was currently passed out on top of Blaine’s chest, a blanket lying over both of them. Kurt was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee, desperately trying to stay awake. He had been stuck in the world of Web M.D for a long time and was getting freaked out. He didn’t know if they should go to the emergency room or if they shouldn’t. Not knowing who else to talk to, He picked up the phone and dialed Carole’s number.

“Hello?” Came Carole’s voice.

“Carole, I’m sorry to wake you up. I just didn’t know what to do.” “What’s wrong sweetie?” she asked.

“Penny woke up last night and started throwing up. She’s got a fever too. I’m just worried that she’s getting dehydrated.” Kurt replied.

“It’s going to be okay.” Carole told him. “Kids get sick. Just made sure you keep giving her fluids. Pedialyte is good. She’s two so she can have tylenol. Just watch her fever. If it get’s over 101, I would go to the emergency room.”

“She’s just never been sick, Carole. I feel so helpless.” Kurt replied.

“The dilemma of every parent with a sick child.” Carole replied. “It’ll be hard, but just be there for her and she’ll be okay.” Suddenly from the living room, Kurt heard Blaine yell, “Kurt! She’s throwing up again!”

“Carole, I have to go. Penny’s getting sick.” he said before hanging up the phone and running into the living room. This time, Blaine was lucky enough to get a trashcan to the toddler’s mouth. When she had finished throwing up, Kurt took the trash can from him and went to wash it out. When it was clean, he walked it back over to his husband who was taking their daughter’s temperature again.

“What is it?” Kurt asked when the thermometer finally beeped.

“Still 100.5” Blaine replied. Poor Penny looked so sick as she lay limply against Blaine’s chest.

“That’s not good.” Kurt said. “I talked to Carole and she said to keep giving her fluids, even if she keeps throwing it up. I’m going to go out and pick up some Pedialyte for her. Do you want me to get anything else?”

“Maybe some popsicles. Those might be good too.” Blaine offered.

“Got it.” Kurt replied as he pulled on his jacket. “I’ll be back as soon as possible.” Kurt left and Blaine was left with the sick toddler.

“Maybe a nice warm bath will be good for your fever.” Blaine said. “How about it Pen?” The little girl didn’t reply. She just put her head on Blaine’s chest. Blaine decided to do it anyway. He took Penny into the bathroom and stripped her down.

“No Dada.” she whined.

“It’s gonna feel good honey.” Blaine told her. He placed the two year old in the bathtub and began running a washcloth over her skin. Penny shook like a leaf in the lukewarm water. Though it was hard to see, Blaine knew that it was most likely helping his daughters fever. He tried to engage the little girl by showing her her favorite rubber ducky, but Penny just didn’t care. Blaine eventually got her out of the tub and wrapped her up in her hooded elephant towel. He took her into her room and then put her into new pajamas. “Okay, baby. Let’s go watch some tv. Do you wanna watch Cinderella?” Penny nodded. Blaine took her into the living room and then turned on the movie.

Not too much later, Kurt came home from the store. “Hey, I got the Pedialyte. Do you think she’ll want to try some?”

“It’s worth a shot. She didn’t throw up while you were gone.”

“Well that’s good.” Kurt replied. “Do you mind if I quickly take a shower? Then, you can take one. I would let you go first, but I think that she wants you.”

“It’s fine. We’re good.” Blaine replied. “I’ll get her the pedialyte. You can go shower.” Kurt nodded before heading upstairs. Blaine set Penny on the ground. “Daddy, will be right back okay Penny girl.” Penny didn’t say anything. She just continued to stare at the movie. Blaine walked into the kitchen and got out a sippy cup. He started pouring the Pedialyte into the cup when he heard a loud thud. He dropped the cup and ran into the living room. There, he saw Penny on the ground. Her body was tensed up, especially her hands which were in tight fists and her legs were drawn up to her stomach. She stared at the ceiling and Blaine watched as her eyes rolled back into her head.

“Kurt! Kurt!” Blaine screamed as he ran over to Penny. He grabbed a pillow the blanket and placed it under Penny’s head and then he looked at the clock and started timing the seizure. Kurt came downstairs. Obviously he had yet to get in the shower.

“Oh my God! What’s happening?” Kurt exclaimed.

“She’s having a seizure.” Blaine replied, still looking at the clock. “Go call 911”

“We-Oh my god- we need to go to the hospital.”

“Kurt, call 911!” Blaine said.

“No! The hospital is five minutes away. We’re not waiting.” Kurt exclaimed as he scrambled for his car keys.

“We can’t take her while she’s having an active seizure.” Blaine told him. Suddenly, Penny stopped seizing and her body went limp. Blaine was quick to press his fingers to her carotid artery. “She has a heartbeat.” he placed his head on her chest. “And she’s breathing.”

“Please, we have to take her now.” Kurt begged. Blaine picked Penny up and they ran to the car. He sat in the backseat with her while Kurt drove. Those five minutes felt like a lifetime, but finally they reached the ER. There was a nurse waiting outside for them because Blaine had called 911 on the way.

“Here, please help her!” Blaine said. The nurse took Penny in her arms and then ran back to the trauma room. Kurt and Blaine followed along. When they reached the trauma room, Penny was lying on the large hospital bed. She had wires attached to her to monitor her heart and a blood pressure cuff on her. And, she was screaming. Kurt felt so overwhelmed that he started sobbing. He sobbed so hard that Blaine had to grab his arm just to keep him upright.

“What did we do wrong? What did we do Blaine?” he cried. A doctor came over to them and gave Kurt a chair to sit in. She knelt down and began to talk to them.

“It’s okay. I’m Dr. Kopek” She said to comfort them. “You did everything right. She’s doing okay. I just have a few questions. Tell me what happened.” “She’s been sick since one o’clock this morning. She was vomiting and couldn’t keep anything down. I went to get her some pedialyte and then I heard a loud thud and found her having a seizure.”

“Has she ever had a seizure before?”

“No” Both of them replied.

“I timed the seizure. It was only about three minutes.” Blaine added.

“It was great that you knew to do that.” Dr. Kopek replied.

“I have epilepsy.” Blaine said. “I’ve had some experience.

“You what?” Kurt replied. “You never mentioned that!”

“Sorry, I... I haven’t had a seizure in a long time. My meds are controlled.” Blaine replied. “Could Penny have epilepsy?”

“It’s hard to say. But, we’re doing everything we can for you daughter.” Dr. Kopek replied. “You can go in with her if you like.” she offered. Kurt nodded and wiped away his tears. Four nurses were holding Penny down as they tried to get an IV into her. Kurt went close to her head and whispered sweet things into her ear, but none of them seemed to help. Finally, the nurses got the blood that they required and Kurt was able to pick Penny up. He rocked her in his arms and soon Penny fell asleep. Poor thing was exhausted from having the seizure.

Kurt, Blaine and Penny spent the rest of the day in the ER. They had to go through Penny getting an EKG to check her heart and a Cat scan to look for anything neurological. Finally around 3 in the afternoon, Dr. Kopek came back in. Blaine nudged Kurt who was sleeping and he woke up.

“I got all the tests back and I talked to our neurologist, Dr. Coffrey. He doesn’t believe that Penny has epilepsy. Her fever was 101 when she came in so we’re it's pretty definitive that it was a febrile seizure, meaning it was caused by fever. They’re common in younger children.”

“So she’s going to be okay?” Kurt asked.

“She’s going to be okay. I want you to keep an eye on her fever. It was 99.0 which is good, but other than that you can take her home.”

“Oh thank God.” Blaine said. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome and I hope you keep feeling better Penny.” Dr. Kopek replied. “Dr. Coffrey does want you to follow up with him just so he can definitely rule out epilepsy, but he is pretty sure that this seizure was just caused by virus.”

“We’ll make an appointment tomorrow.” Kurt replied.

“Good.” Dr. Kopek replied. “A nurse will come in with your discharge information and then you’re good to go.” she added before leaving the room. Kurt and Blaine could not have been more relieved. They got Penny dressed and then headed home. Once they got there, they laid Penny in her crib and watched her as she slept.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been as scared as I’ve been today.” Kurt confessed.

“Me either.” Blaine replied. “I’m just happy that once she’s over this virus she’ll be healthy again.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had epilepsy?”

“It’s not something I talk about often and I haven’t had a seizure in years.” Blaine confessed. “They were really bad after Sadie Hawkins, but they’re under control now. I’m a little self conscious about them to be honest”

“Honey, you know you have nothing to hide with me.” Kurt replied. “Also, I signed up to love you in sickness and in health, but you have to fill me in on the sickness side, so I’m ready.”

“I’m sorry.” Blaine replied. “I promise to talk to you more about it and even show you my meds. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kurt replied. “How about we try and get some sleep?”

“Sounds good to me. I’m exhausted.” Blaine replied. They walked hand in hand to the bedroom and layed down on the bed. The day had been horrific, but Kurt and Blaine couldn’t be more grateful that their little girl was okay.

#klaine advent 2017 #klaine advent: health #daddy klaine #littlej097

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takinginair · 7 years ago

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Game Changer

Many people are surprised that I’m leaving Thailand. Let me assure you, no one is more surprised than I am. People ask me why; but like all of my life right now, I fear telling them the truth because the truth is extremely uncomfortable...for them.

I spend the majority of my life lying to other people now. In fact, I spend the majority of my life being the exact opposite of everything I have ever been.

I was born happy, cheery, peppy. The annoying type that just wakes up full of electricity and possibilities. I came from a family that loves God and He is centered in everything we discuss. We are honest and I have always been honest to a fault. I live sober and I have done it all in the name of knowing I am an immortal being that can only get a human experience if I am clear and present in every second. When I fractured my pelvis I never took one single medication. I mean, how can I get to know myself if I’m always masking it with untruths and hallucinations? Well, that’s what I thought before.

Then there was an incident. Let’s call it A Game Changer, because now everything is different, and now I’m going back to California, and now I lie to everyone, and now I hide how I feel from myself and now being sober is torture.

I’m not ashamed of my story, I just don’t talk about it to spare you. The rest of this story is probably easy to guess, but I share it because some people in my life want to know the truth and this is for those people.

The Game Changer

Days after Diogo left us I stopped sleeping and sometimes even stayed up for over 36 hours, including work days. This is insufferable. It would be different if I could be extremely productive during this awake time, but I can’t. I’m debilitated by nightmares, voices and crying jags that last hours. It causes me to go crazy and then I have to be happy and teach my students. I started becoming short tempered with them. In my world, my students are the sun and the moon and not allowing them to be the spicy children they are is my boundary. So I went to the doctor and got sleeping medication to get back to my normal.

I’ve been taking medications ever since. I can stop taking them when I stay with other people, like when I visit friends; or If I start backpacking and get caught up in my world-wide classroom. But otherwise, sleeping is a thing of the past unless I have my medications.

I started with anti-histamines, moved to OTC painkillers like Motrin and Tylenol, and even tried herbal stuff. I started mixing them because they are so light and barely worked and can be so dangerous for my organs, even though they do very little for my mental status. I have truthfully tried to do everything without taking illegal substances, smoking substances or even taking strong pills.

However, a couple of months ago I went to the pharmacy and told them I needed something else. By this time, I had a couple different doctors and pharmacies so I didn’t come across as a drug addict, which I’m not. I mean, it’s not like I got morphine or something good. I was trying to get Benedryl and Xanex, even the lowest dosage of Valium offered, stuff like that. The pharmacy gave me some pills. They were yellow and I don’t know what they were. It’s possible they were Ambian, as there aren’t too many choices in Thailand.

I told Yogi everything that I took so he was aware and could keep track, I wasn’t hiding anything. He didn’t like me taking such things. He trusts pharmaceuticals less than street drugs. And he feels that sleeping pills are counter productive as eventually they stop working and so does your internal ability to not need them. But I had no choice.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I took 2-3 of my normal pills and waited 2 hours...nothing. So I cried my way to the box and took another pill of something different and waited an hour. Finally at 3am, in total desperation, I remembered my new yellow pills, so I took one. Then I thought...”maybe take 2, I have to get up soon and I can’t have another sleepless night.”

The next thing I remember was Yogi yelling at my door, “Are you coming? Are you even awake?” Dang it! I threw on my dress and jumped on his bike, I forgot to brush my teeth. Shoot. I hate getting sleep at all the wrong times, but at least I slept a bit.

Of course I was groggy, but that was to be expected. I always felt groggy and tired in the mornings, that’s what the pills were for. In fact, the morning fog stopped most of my panic attacks and helped me breathe better. Actually, because of the meds I had been taking, I thought I was coping really well and even signed up for another semester to teach in Thailand.

We arrived at school and I got my lessons ready for the morning. As I stood up from my desk in our office I announced, “Ok Yogs, I’m going to the printer. Wait. No I’m not. Yogs, I don’t feel good.” I sat down and my face went cold. He went to get me a muffin and some coffee. By the time he came back I was generally unconscious.

What I remember after that is blurry. I remember him telling me to lay down and I didn’t because I didn’t want the kids to see me and get scared. But I should have realized me knocked out in a chair was probably worse. My next memory is me in the back of a car crying to Yogi to take me home. I thought I just needed to sleep it off with a tiny nap. To which he replied, “You are going to the hospital and you can shut up about it.” I started crying immediately and spoke to the driver in Thai, a student teacher, "Gat Ban!” I demanded. To which she replied in English, “Teacher Rose is not ok.” Yogi piped up calmly, “You’re not going home, so you can stop chewing on that bone.” That was clever, I took note of how clever he is as I fell asleep again.

The next time I opened my eyes I was staring at a white ceiling. I was in the hospital and a beautiful lady-boy nurse stood above me and said in his best English, “Can me help you?” To which I replied, “Absolutely not!” And I closed my eyes and fell asleep as Yogi told them what was going on in Thai-glish. He had a panicked voice I had never heard, I worried about him.

They kept pestering me to open my eyes again, I saw my blood pressure it was 119/80. “That’s normal for me,” I screamed at yogi, “my blood pressure is fine take me home.” Then I feel asleep. I was awaken again to a nurse saying, “Stomach vomit?” I kept my eyes closed, “Sure stomach vomit, whatever.” What seemed like a simultaneous moment, I was getting a shot and immediately I stopped breathing.

Apparently, I was a little over dosed. I just had too many relaxers and stuff in my system. So when Yogi brought me in, they just assumed I was having stomach cramps because I’m a foreigner and most foreigners have food poisoning. They gave me something that prevented me from breathing because my body was too relaxed. I actually didn’t know that was possible. My inexperience with drugs and medications wasn’t on my side, at this point.

I used all my breath to yell for Yogi, “Call my mom, medicine is bad.” and then that was it. The next thing I know they had me upside down and kept me that way until my body could wake up more.

I slept for 2 days without waking up. Of course I had no intention of over dosing. Of course, I felt I was taking all measures and the most inconsequential medications to even make me sleep, let alone make me stop breathing. I was honest with those closest to me and maybe I wasn’t completely forthright, but I was not trying to “hide” any “drug use.” And I didn’t even think an “over dose” was an option with these type of medications.

Regardless of all my internal logic, I woke up to Yogi, a banana and coconut water waiting for me. It was my standard meal since Diogo died. Yogi crawled in bed with me and he said, “Rose, you over dosed. You took too much.” To this day that sentence sounds so stupid. I mean, over dose on antihistamines and Tylenol and ibuprofen and little stuff that my grandparents take, it just sounds stupid. Of course, that doesn’t account for the pills I didn’t know what they were...and also, I couldn’t remember how many I took. Upon reflection, the entire scenario sounds nothing like me.

I looked at yogi and the next words out of my mouth were the nail in the coffin of my Thai life, The Game Changer, “Yogi, I don’t want to live anymore.” Yogi lied next to me and held me...not for me...for him. He sobbed as he told me that he spent the last 2 days scared to check on me because he didn’t know if I was alive and he didn’t know how to tell my students, my mom, my friends what had happened. He sobbed so hard that he shook my bed and I realized at that moment...I was the worst friend ever.

Yogi had saved me in many ways and with no hesitation he was my primary care-taker. Yet here I was, putting all my problems right in his lap. There was no choice from that point on, I had to go home. Although, I’m not an addict, I only take pills I need. It’s like saying someone that has seizures is an addict to their seizure medications. Not getting sleep causes some of the same symptoms as taking drugs to sleep. It’s a horrible cycle and one that I have never been in before.

But even so, I had to admit that my very first words to my very best friend were, “I don’t want to live anymore.” I had to admit that my pill managing had become sloppy and by the time I woke up, Yogi had completely cleaned out my house of even my menstrual meds, because he was scared. I had to admit that I had hurt my very best friend, intentional or not. And mostly, I had to admit to myself when an accident would become an “attempt” or a success. It felt like a slippery path and scared me.

Mom’s opinion on the matter wasn’t coded, “Brittany-Rose,” Which she only uses my full name if she’s very serious, usually when she’s telling me not to swear in front of company, “I have never told you what to do. But you have one choice, and if you make the wrong one, I will come and get you myself.”

So I spent the last month in Thailand preparing myself to leave my beloved home. I spent the next two months getting support from my friends around Asia. I went to my good friends in Japan, My american friends in Korea and my Muslim friend in China. All just waiting to do something I never ever ever wanted to do, bury Diogo in Portugal in May.

Everything is over now: my apartment is cleared in Thailand, my FB page is full of the new experiences I had in the last 5 countries I was in, and 3 days ago we put the love of my life in the ground, proving he really is gone and no matter how many more flights I take, I won’t find him. That’s the toughest pill I’ve ever had to swallow.

In 7 days I will be back in Cali and I have no hopes, dreams, plans or expectations. I exist because God isn’t always merciful. I exist because I don’t think I have a choice. And if I don’t talk about it it’s not because I’m ashamed or it’s more painful than my actual reality, it’s because I care about you.

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denisalvney · 7 years ago

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RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

In this episode, we discuss:

Introduction and background of Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

WNL: We’re not looking

Raising public awareness of functional and progressive medicine through the mainstream media

The impact of the show Doctor in the House among colleagues and across the UK

Changing the expectation among medical professionals to a more collaborative care method

Chatterjee’s new book, How to Make Disease Disappear, and the 4 Pillar Plan

Communication is the biggest skill for healthcare professionals

Small changes tend to make the biggest impact

Show notes:

Rangan Chatterjee on YouTube

Prescribing Lifestyle Medicine Course

Chatterjee’s new book: How to Make Disease Disappear

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youtube

Chris Kresser: Rangan Chatterjee, it's such a pleasure to have you on the show. I'm really looking forward to this.

Dr. Rangan Chatterjee: Chris, the pleasure is mine. Thanks very much for inviting me.

Chris: We met when I came over to the UK last year, I think that was. It’s all such a blur.

Dr. Chatterjee: Yeah, someone said we need to speak, so we went out for a lovely dinner, actually.

Introduction and background of Dr. Rangan Chatterjee

Chris: Right.

Chris: Absolutely. It must have been terrifying.

WNL: We’re not looking

Chris: Yes.

Chris: Absolutely.

Chris: Right.

Chris: It’s a little lower, yes.

Raising public awareness of functional and progressive medicine through mainstream media

Chris: Right.

Chris: Thanks a lot.

Chris: Yes. For the folks who are listening, although you can't yet watch the full series, I think there are quite a few YouTube clips of the show.

Dr. Chatterjee: I found that there is quite a few on YouTube, and I put them all together on my YouTube channel so people can watch at least eight of those episodes free of charge on the internet.

The impact of the show Doctor in the House among colleagues and across the UK

Changing the expectation among medical professionals to a more collaborative care method

Chris: Incomprehensible.

Dr. Chatterjee: An obscene amount for a condition that by and large is an environmental illness. This is driven by our lifestyle and our environment.

Chris: That number is $250 billion in the US, by the way. This is the population differential.

Chris: Yes.

Dr. Chatterjee: Thank you.

Dr. Chatterjee’s new book, How to Make Disease Disappear, and the 4 Pillar Plan

Dr. Chatterjee: Yes, absolutely.

Communication is the biggest skill for a healthcare professionals

Chris: Yes. We hold that distinction. We're ahead of the pack with far of that goes. We’re behind on many measures of healthcare safety and efficacy.

Small changes tend to make the biggest impact

[Crosstalk]

Chris: Yes, exactly. How could that be more powerful than—

Dr. Chatterjee: ___ real medicine. This is fine. I know about that, but is this real medicine, that’s the nub of the matter.

Chris: That’s great.

Dr. Chatterjee: Thanks, Chris. I’ll see you soon.

Chris: All right. Great.

The post RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee appeared first on Chris Kresser.

RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee published first on https://chriskresser.com

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