#maybe because everybody around me is transphobic aka they all want me dead
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lunar new year holiday ending
school tomorrow
#I hate my classmates#I don't even consider them my friends anymore because theyre SUPER transphobic#and I wish I was joking when i said that everyone in my school is stupid#like i cant tell if its because they're rich#thats the only thing they all have in common: they're rich and they're stupid#they're like the kardashians i swear#āif i had enough money I would quit keeping up with the kardashiansā#āif i had enough money i would take a gap yearā GIRL YOU LIVE IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE CONDO IN THE CITY#and most the teachers are fucking assholes#this one teacher made me have a full blown breakdown by telling me 'i dont deserve to be mentally ill' ???????????#there are only two teachers i like and i dont even like them very much honestly#actually i dont like anybody#everybody around me sucks#maybe because everybody around me is transphobic aka they all want me dead#huh i wonder why im so depressed all the time#my guidance counsellor (who's a bitch btw) asked me why im āso bothered that not everybody knows the same things you doā#which first of all - these people think the bladder the stomach the colon and the womb are the same organ. they are stupid.#imagine going to a uni lecture that talks about how the earth is round and everybody keeps asking BUT WHY the earth is round#then even the professor isn't even sure if the earth is round or not they're just reading from a textbook#welcome to my school#I currently hold the record for student with most missed days for 3 consecutive years#but my parents told me that i cant miss school tomorrow#one of the reasons i end up missing school is that my dad wakes me up in the morning#and my dad caused me severe trauma from trying to exorcise me after a sewerslide attempt by holding me down on the bed and reading verses#so imagine you have trauma from being held down onto a bed and hearing a specific person's voice and that person wakes you up every morning#YOU'RE GOING TO START YOUR DAY OFF WITH A PANIC ATTACK#last friday I literally woke up shaking and crying#also my parents bully me i feel like that's a major plot point in my personal lore its kinda funny actually#remember that video that went viral a few years back of the girl that said āchecking up on my middle school bullyā then calls her mom?#thats me btw LOL
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[ooc] Ranting
That shitās below the read more because I am a fucked up individual who is maybe a little bit tipsy and tired and depressed simultaneously.
my lifeās shit, iām stupidly jealous, and nobody cares, a rantpost. read more if you want i fucking guess you already clicked the link at this point and itās all about me being a whiny bitch who nobody cares about
positive: ordered herbal testosterone blockers and estrogen boosters because the training we were supposed to get navy-wide on transitioning in the military had a due date of January 31st and itās now almost a month later and we havenāt gotten it
hereās hoping i donāt get in trouble for that haha (spoilers: at this point I DONāT give a SHIT because if I didnāt start this then Iād probably fall even further down the apathy barrier and fail out of the nuclear programme, which is the only reason Iād like to be in the military at this point aside from staying away from moving back home)
trump is a shit as fuck president, rapist, dumbass, rascist, misogynist, transphobic, and basically using the american flag as toilet paper with his in-office state
thereās a handful of people I have mutual care for/about: -Laraās my go to most days, best princess -Buttonās a cute switch, but if I vanished I doubt sheād realize it -Amburroās around sporadically these days -Chel has her own problems -iām not sure how I feel about paul but heās kind of precious -Audjob plays with other people a lot, acknowledges my existence but that comes close to -it- -and lauralai just came out from the abyss, wentĀ āi really like you and spending time with you, youāre kind of awesomeā only to kind of do her own thing with other people instead
iām quiet as fuck, nobody notices me, the only thing iām particularly good at aside from being smart at this point is lying through my teeth unless iām not serious about it at all
iāve been trying to get a car for about a month and itās finally about to happen con: another 6,000$ loan, around 200$/mo even through usaa for insurance
iām moving into a co-workerās apartment to set up a better way of getting to work since i have a habit of sleeping 4 hours a night during the work week; also 12 hour workdays of rotating shiftwork are literally satan
i feel unwanted by basically everybody, the people who arenāt straight-up apathetic prioritize other people way before they even think about me, iām like a footnote cute girl
i never got below a 3.0 on a test before i joined the navy, now at least i know what it takes to be a genius (answer: complete social ineptitude)
i prioritize dumb shit, my lifeās a mess, the navy is garbage, and the best thing thatās happened at all in my life so far is meeting a cute canadian girl
i went from public school in 5th grade to christian school the next, then back to public for 12th, then into the navy instead of staying home and going to college because i couldnāt take my parents at that point: which led to, because of the churchās doctrine, self-isolation as well as social isolation (aka different schools) from my gradeschool friends, who were awesome.
I miss Jennette, Molly, Aislinn, Maegan, Fernando, Miles, Langston, and the friends-of-friends situations I got into with them because those friends of friends were also fan fucking tastic. I miss the friends I made in 12th grade too, which basically includes the whole goddamn class because the school was bigger than the situation ofĀ āhaha iām the only one in the high school (11th grade)ā by a margin of 40-50, + everyone was so great and it felt wonderful after transitioning from christian school to be around sane people again
nothing against christians, but sports and bible arenāt the only things that exist and if those are your main focuses in life you end up prty goddamn dumb and sheltered and overall a shitty human being from my experience
iāve never cut myself but I sure have held objects that could close to my skin and thought about it
but then again
thatās probably why iām completely starved for attention
sic: quiet; add: nerdy, kinky
iām glad to be one personās priority
iām glad to feel wanted, at least in that respect
and itās not like i outright burned bridges, i just let them fall apart
is that 6 year period to mean nothing in my life?
the things I learned since: transgender was what defined the odd feelings i had had for many more, following a religion is a lazy excuse for not trying to think about things too much (aka if the christian god were real iād side with satan because that dudeās insane), iād really like to write things but given success rates of authors itās probably best to have a safety net, drugs will get you high, i am not a lightweight in terms of alcohol but 151 is some GOOD SHIT, iām not emotionally dead but i have enough walls that the inside of my head is probably a hedge maze
if i do get discharged early, iām just going to hit up my dadās work through him and renovate my parentās basement if they actually accept my ādeviantā behavior.
if i donāt, then Iāll finish my 8 year contract- and yeah itās definitely 8 years because even if electricians get the shittiest bonus thatās still 2 years for automatic advancement in rate thatās impossible to get off of just the test until youāve got a year or so in the fleet; if I like it enough I might go reserves. regardless Iāll finish up the engineering degree and apply to civilian power plants and electrician companies, whatever it takes to live in washington because then I can make good pay and be happily close to princess, making enough $$ to save and retire soon after, staying fit and pretty and focusing on writing things from the world thatās been building in my mindās eye for 5+ years now
i needed to write this down and itās still not everything but itās most of it
to include,Ā ānot everythingā is largelyĀ āI donāt feel satisfied with the content of this post but itās already so longā this is probably just going to be a summary of later posts on how fucked up my life has been from a personal standpoint
not to say that itās the worst or anything like that
but itās definitely not the best
iām socially stupid/awkward and friends Iāve made in this program seem to keep being either in different spots than I am or being removed for various issues
also sorry not sorry for my first post on this blog in forever being complaints for far too long; thatās another thing iām shitty at, because there are so many good muns out there that i practically abandoned talking to
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